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The One With All the Wedding Dresses

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Story by: Adam Chase
Teleplay by: Michael Curtis & Gregory S. Malins
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen


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[Scene: Joey抯 bedroom, he is asleep and snoring loudly. Chandler enters wondering who left their engine running.]

Chandler: Are you kidding me?! Joey. Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey!!

Joey: (joining in, in his sleep) Joey. Joey. Joey. Joey! Joey!!

(Chandler acts disgusted, but is happy that Joey has stopped snoring. However, just as he is about to leave, Joey starts snoring again. So to get him to stop, he slams the door shut, waking Joey.)

Chandler: Oh. Oh, did-did-did I wake you?

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is getting another cup of coffee.]

Chandler: Gunther, can I get another cup of coffee, please? (Gunther starts to pour him another cup.) So uh, what do you do when you抮e not working here?

Gunther: You don抰 need to fill these silences.

Chandler: Oh, okay, thanks. (He goes back to the couch and rejoins Monica, Joey, and Phoebe.)

Monica: Chandler, that抯 like your fourth cup of coffee!

Chandler: Well, I am drinking lots of cups of coffee because I抦 exhausted! Because Joey started snoring!

Monica: He抯 in a different room! He抯 really that loud?

Joey: (proudly) Oh, you should here me.

Chandler: It抯 not something to be proud of, okay? You have to go to a sleep clinic!

Joey: Look, I told ya, I抦 not going to any clinic! I don抰 have a problem, you抮e the one with the problem! You should go to a "Quit being a baby and leave me alone" clinic!

Chandler: They don抰 have those.

Joey: Yeah, they do! Quit being a baby and leave me alone! There, you抳e just had your first class!

Monica: Y択now I used to go out with this guy that was a really light sleeper, and whenever I started to snore, he would just roll me over?

Joey: Ohhh, yeah!

Monica: He would just roll me over and I would stop snoring.

Chandler: Next time you snore, I抦 rolling ya over!

Joey: I gotta do what I gotta do, you gotta do what you gotta do, you just do it.

Ross: (entering) Hey guys!

Chandler: Hey, all right!

Phoebe: Hey!

(Joey starts humming Here Come the Bride.)

Phoebe: Oh, the Olympics.

Monica: Have you guys picked a date yet?

Ross: Oh no, not yet.

Phoebe: I still cannot believe you抮e engaged! (Ross looks at her) Just 慶ause its happening so fast; not 慶ause you抮e such a loser. 

Ross: Oh. Thanks. Uh, has anyone seen Rach?

Monica: Ugh, she抯 upstairs not doing the dishes! And I tell ya something! I抦 not doing them this time! I don抰 care if those dishes sit in the sink until they抮e all covered with桰抣l do them when I get home!

Ross: Yeah梠h! Hey listen umm, Emily found this wedding dress in London?

Phoebe: Already?!

Ross: Yeah, but it didn抰 fit. Well, luckily there抯 a store here that has one left in her size, but I抦 the groom, I抦 not supposed to see the dress?

Monica: I抣l pick it up for you!

Ross: Thank you.

Monica: Okay.

Chandler: Oh, she抯 got you running errands, y択now, picking up wedding dresses?(Laughs and makes like Indiana Jones and his whip) Wah-pah!

Ross: What抯 wah-pah?

Chandler: Y択now, whipped! Wah-pah!

Joey: That抯 not whipped! Whipped is wh-tcssh!

Chandler: That抯 what I did. Wah-pah!

Joey: You can抰 do anything!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is not doing the dishes. She hears someone coming up the stairs and quickly puts down her magazine and pretends like she抯 actually doing the dishes.]

Rachel: Hey, Mon, I was just doing the dishes! 

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: Oh! It抯 you. (She stops doing the dishes.) Hi.

Ross: Hey, do uh, do you have a minute?

Rachel: Yeah, yeah, I was just about to take a break anyways, so?

Ross: So listen uh, I know you and I haven抰 really had a chance to talk since uh, Emily and I decided to get married, and uh, I was just wondering how you were.

Rachel: Oh.

Ross: I know if you were getting married I抎 feel, kinda?. y択now.

Rachel: Yeah. Yeah. Definitely, well it definitely took me by surprise, but I抦 okay.

Ross: Yeah?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: All right, I just wanted to check.

Rachel: Oh, that抯 sweet.

(He goes over to hug her.)

Ross: You抮e great. And I-I know someday this will happen for you too. You just hang in there.

Rachel: (breaking the hug) Uhh, hang in there?

Ross: Oh, no, I didn抰 mean, uh?

Rachel: I mean maybe you didn抰 hear about a serious relationship called me and Joshua?

Ross: Oh, I thought you guys had just been on like four dates, I didn抰 realise that had become anything, yet.

Rachel: Oh, no-no-no, no-no-no, it has become, it has梱eah. Oh no, those were four great dates. 

Ross: Oh. Yeah?

Rachel: Yeah. Oh, yeah. And I mean, the connection, I mean y択now, emotionally, mentally, physically?

Ross: Wow, that抯-that抯-that抯 incredible.

Rachel: I know isn抰 it? It抯 like I抦 right there with Joshua.

Ross: Uh-huh.

Rachel: You are right there with Emily. And it抯 y択now, it抯 kinda like? it抯 a tie! Well, I gotta get, I gotta get back to the dishes.

Ross: I gotta get to work.

Rachel: Oh yeah? Fine.

Ross: Hey, y択now, y択now what would make me really happy?

Rachel: Oh yeah, no, what抯 that?

Ross: If like the four of us could all y択now, hang out together. Uh, in fact Emily抯 coming into town this weekend, why don抰 you say we all have dinner? Say, Sunday night?

Rachel: That would be great!

Ross: Yeah, all right, it抯 a date. (He leaves)

Rachel: (to the closed door) Hang in there. You hang in there. (Gives him the raspberry.) 

Ross: (coming back in) Did you say something?

Rachel: No, just singing. (Does a little song.)

[Scene: Beatrice Bridal Shop, Monica and Phoebe are there to pick up Emily抯 dress.]

Monica: Oh my God! Ohh! Look at this one! It抯 so beautiful!

Phoebe: Yeah, but y択now, about have of these are gonna end up getting divorced.

The Saleslady: May I help you ladies?

Monica: Oh, yes, umm, I抦 here to pick up a dress that you have on hold.

The Saleslady: Yes, what抯 the name, please?

Monica: Emily Waltham.

The Saleslady: Yes! I have it right here. (Phoebe and Monica both gasp at the dress.) Would you like to try it on Ms. Waltham?

Monica: (laughs) Okay.

[Time lapse. Monica is wearing the dress and starring at herself in the mirror.]

Phoebe: You抮e the most beautiful bride I抳e ever seen.

Monica: I am, aren抰 I?

The Saleslady: Ms. Waltham?

Monica: Yes?

The Saleslady: We抮e closing.

Monica: All right. (Goes to take off the dress.)

The Saleslady: And could I get my ring back?

(She disgustedly takes the ring off and gives it back.)

[Scene: Joey抯 bedroom, he抯 snoring again and Chandler is there to roll him over.]

Chandler: All right buddy, time to roll over. (Rolls him over, and discovers a surprise) (Looking down) No-no! (Covers his eyes) No, no-n-n-n-no!! You are going to a clinic! You抮e going to a clinic, and a pyjama store!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is doing the dishes.]

Monica: Does she use the cups? Yes! I believe she does. Does she use the plates? Yes! I believe she does. (Looks at the wedding dress and stops.)

[Time lapse, Monica is now wearing the dress while doing the dishes and is making like she is thanking her guests for coming to her wedding. Paging Dr. Crane. Dr. Fraiser Crane!]

Monica: Oh. Thank you. Ohhh, thank you very much. Oh, thank you for coming. (There抯 a knock on the door.) Uh, just a second!

Phoebe: No-no, let me in!

Monica: Phoebe?

Phoebe: Yeah!

Monica: Can you just hold on for one minute?

Phoebe: No, you have to let me in right now!!

Monica: Are you alone?

Phoebe: Yes!

Monica: All right.

(She goes over and lets Phoebe bounce in wearing her own wedding dress.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is complaining about going to the clinic.]

Joey: This sucks! I didn抰 know I had to stay up all night before I went to this stupid sleep clinic! I抦 so tired!

Chandler: It抯 6:00.

Joey: Yeah, well?

Rachel: (entering) Hi!

Chandler: Hey, I hear that you and Joshua are going out to dinner with Ross and Emily, and I think that抯, I think that抯 really cool.

Joey: Yeah, Rach, I think you抮e handling that really well.

Rachel: Handling it? What do you mean, handling it? There抯 nothing to handle. Now, maybe I would have a problem with this if it wasn抰 for me and Joshua. Y択now, they抮e not gonna get married anyway!

Chandler: What?

Rachel: Come on! They rushed into this thing so fast it抯 ridiculous! I mean, they抮e gonna be engaged for like what? A year? And somewhere along the way, one of them is gonna realise what they抳e done and they抮e call the whole thing off. I抦 telling ya, you抮e gonna be dancing at my wedding before you抮e dancing at there抯.

Chandler: Yeah, well, I don抰 dance at weddings.

Rachel: Why not?

Chandler: Because weddings are a great place to meet women, and when I dance, I look like this?(Starts to dancing really, really, really badly. Ross enters behind him and he stops.)

Ross: Hey man.

Chandler: Hey!

Ross: So, what are you guys doing four weeks from today?

Chandler: Nothing.

Rachel: Nothing.

Joey: I am?(Looks in his date book.) free!

Ross: Great! Because Emily and I are getting married in a month!

Joey and Chandler: What?!

Ross: Yep!

Rachel: In a month?

Ross: Yeah!

Rachel: You mean, you mean 30 days?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: From now? 

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Well, that抯 great.

Ross: Yeah! Yeah, Emily always wanted to get married in this beautiful place that her parents got married, but it抯 going to be torn down, so?I mean, I-I know it抯 crazy, but everything up 憈il now has been so crazy, and I don抰 know, this just feels right. Y択now?

Joey: (still looking in date book) Hey! That抯 the day after I stop menstruating! (They all look at him.) This isn抰 mine.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is waiting impatiently for Joshua.]

Joshua: (entering) Hey, Rachel.

Rachel: Hi!

Joshua: What抯 up? You抮e voice sounded all squeaky on the phone.

Rachel: Ohh, nothing, I just wanted to see you. See you and hug you. (Hugs him) See you.

Joshua: Great!

Rachel: Yeah! (She sits down) Sit!

Joshua: (sitting) You okay?

Rachel: I抦 more than okay, I am really, really happy! Wanna know why?

Joshua: Do I?

Rachel: 慍ause I am really happy about us. I think we are, I think we are so on the right track! Y択now? I mean, I think we are working, I think we are clicking. Y択now?

Joshua: Yeah, sure-sure, yeah, we抮e-we抮e-we抮e-we抮e-we抮e clicking.

Rachel: Yeah-yeah, y択now if-if there was just like one little area where I梩hat I think we need梬e would need to work on; I-I would think it was we抮e just not crazy enough!

Joshua: I-I gotta say, I-I-I-I抦 not too sure I agree with that.

Rachel: Well, yeah, right, y択now what? Yeah, you抮e right, I mean, we no, we have our fun. Yeah! But if (Grunts uncomprehensively)厖I mean, I mean like craaaazy! Y択now? Okay, all right. This is gonna, this is gonna sound y択now, a little umm, hasty, but uh, just go with it. Umm. Ugh. What if we got married?

Joshua: What?! (Gunther is listening in.)

Rachel: Oh, I know, I know, it抯-it抯 so, it抯 so totally like, "Whoa! Can we do this?" Y択now, I mean, but I mean it just feels right! Don抰 you think? It does! I mean, it just feels right, don抰 you think?

Joshua: Wow! Uhh, Rachel uhh, you抮e a real special lady, but my divorce isn抰 final yet and, and, and we抳e been on four days, so I抦 thinking "No, but thanks."

Gunther: YOU IDIOT!!!!!

[Scene: The Sleep Clinic, Joey is having trouble staying awake.]

Sleep Clinic Worker: Your name, please?

Joey: Joey Tribbiani.

Sleep Clinic Worker: Um-hmm, and did you stay up all night in preparation for your sleep study. (Joey doesn抰 answer) Uh, sir? (Joey starts snoring)

Chandler: (answering for him) Yes he did.

Sleep Clinic Worker: Alll right, we抣l call you in a few minutes.

(As she leaves, a beautiful woman enters and sits down across from the boys.)

Chandler: (waking Joey) Hey, check out that girl! She is really hot!

Joey: (sleepily) Yeah, she is. Wow! (Falls back asleep, loudly) How you doin?

(Chandler wakes him up, again.)

Joey: What?!

Chandler: You抮e coming on to the entire room! (He goes over to pick up a stack of magazines next to her, and to get her attention, he throws them back down.) I抦 Chandler.

Woman: I抦 Marjorie.

Chandler: Hi.

Marjorie: Hi.

Chandler: You mind if I?

Marjorie: No, please. 

(He sits down next to her.)

Chandler: So uh, what are you in for?

Marjorie: I talk in my sleep.

Chandler: What a coincidence, I listen in my sleep.

Joey: (asleep) So why don抰 you give me your number?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe, still defying reality, are now throwing a bouquet at each other, pretending to catch the actual bouquet at an actual wedding.]

Monica: Okay, ready?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Monica: Okay.

(She turns around and throws the bouquet to Phoebe.)

Phoebe: (catching it) I got it! Mine! (They both hug)

Monica: Congratulations!

Phoebe: Thank you!

Monica: Okay! My turn! My turn!

Phoebe: Okay! (Gets into position) Okay, ready?

Monica: (cocking her head from side to side in some pre-bouquet-catching ritual) Yeah.

Phoebe: Okay. (Phoebe turns and throws it on the couch.)

Monica: (upset) That was a terrible throw!!

Phoebe: I抦 not gonna right to you! That抯 not real!

Monica: Look at me! My big concern is what抯 real?! (Finally realises) Oh my God. We抮e really sad, aren抰 we?

Phoebe: Yeah, I think we are.

Monica: This isn抰 even my dress.

Phoebe: Well, at least you didn抰 rent yours from a store called, "It抯 Not Too Late."

Monica: I抦 changing out of this.

Phoebe: Me too.

Monica: In like a half-hour?

Phoebe: Me too.

Monica: Okay, throw it straight this time.

Phoebe: Okay.

(She throws it straight, and Monica makes a big deal about catching it.)

Monica: I抦 getting married next!!

Phoebe: Yay!

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe, back to reality, are sitting in normal clothes.]

Phoebe: I hate my regular clothes now! Y択now? I look down and-and I know that this isn抰 gonna be the most special day of my life.

Monica: Yeah. I mean it was kinda fun for a while, but didn抰 you start feeling silly?

Phoebe: I guess.

(Monica crosses her legs and is still wearing the garter belt.)

Phoebe: Oh my God! 

Monica: Oh God.

Phoebe: Oh, you抮e such a cheater!

Chandler: (entering) Hello! Little ones.

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: So, is Joey gonna stop snoring?

Chandler: Yep! And! A beautiful woman agreed to go out with me. (They抮e stunned.) Joey wanted to ask her out, but uh, she picked me.

Phoebe: Oh, how抎 that happen?

Chandler: Because I抦 cooler.

Monica: No, seriously.

Chandler: Well she抯, she抯 the kinda girl桱oey was unconscious. 

(Joey enters, wearing a mouth guard like boxers wear.)

Joey: (muffled by the mouth guard) Hey you guys! What抯 happening?

Monica: Oh my God!

Phoebe: What is that?

Joey: (muffled) Oh, they gave it to me at the sleep clinic, and it抯 gonna help me not to snore.

Monica: Well, are you asleep right now, Joe? 慍ause I don抰 think you have to wear it unless you are!

Joey: (takes out the mouth guard) I know I don抰 have too! It tastes good. (Puts it back in.)

Chandler: Plus, you look cool.

(Joey totally agrees with this statement and kicks his feet up.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is putting away the wedding dress, finally.]

Rachel: (entering from her bedroom) Well, I just called Joshua?

Phoebe: Oh, how did it go?

Rachel: Well, I did my best to convince him that I抦 not some crazy girl who is dying to get married桰抦 just going through a hard time.

Phoebe: What did he say?

Rachel: Well uh, his answering machine was very understanding. Ugh. I feel blue.

Monica: Ohh, sweetie! (Goes to comfort her.) Hey, I bet you anything that he抯 gonna call you again.

Rachel: Yeah, maybe, but I don抰 think I even care. I don抰 think he抯 the one I抦 sad about. Y択now, I know that I said that I am totally okay with Ross getting married, but as it turns out, I don抰 think I抦 handling it all that well.

Phoebe: Yeah, maybe.

Rachel: And I-I am just trying to figure out why.

Phoebe: Any luck?

Rachel: Well, yeah, y択now how Ross and I were on again, off again, on again, off again? I guess I just figured that somewhere down the road, we would be on again.

Monica: Again. Y択now what? I think we all did.

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Hey! (She jumps up and throws Emily抯 wedding dress into Rachel抯 room.)

Ross: So, I got us some reservations for Sunday night, okay? How about, Ernie抯 at 9 o抍lock?

Rachel: Yeah, well, you uh, better make it for three.

Ross: Oh, see I-I don抰 know if we抮e gonna be hungry at three.

Rachel: Three people. Joshua抯 not gonna be there.

Ross: What happened?

Rachel: Uh, well, I think, I think he broke up with me.

Ross: Noo. Why?

Rachel: Well, apparently he scares easy.

Ross: Oh, Rachel, I抦-I抦 sorry.

Rachel: It抯 okay. Sometimes, things don抰 work out the way you抎 thought they would.

Ross: Come here.

(They hug.)

Rachel: (breaking the hug) Oh, hey, don抰 you have to go pick up Emily?

Ross: Yeah. 

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: You okay?

Rachel: Yeah! I got my girls.

(He leaves.)

Rachel: Ugh. (She goes over and lays her head on Phoebe抯 lap.)

Phoebe: (looks at Monica) Hey, y択now what might cheer you up?

Rachel: What?

[Time lapse, all three girls are now wearing wedding dresses, eating popcorn, drinking beer, and watching TV.]

Rachel: Y択now, I gotta tell ya, this really does put in a better mood.

Monica: Oh, I wish there was a job where I could wear this all the time. (Pause) Maybe someday, there will be.

(There抯 a knock on the door.)

Monica: Oh God! He抯 gonna come by and borrow some candles for his big date!

Rachel: Oh, okay! (She goes to answer the door.)

Monica: No-no, Rachel, don抰 get it! He can抰 see us!

Phoebe: No, yeah! The groom cannot see the bride!

Rachel: I抦 not gonna marry Chandler!

Phoebe: Not after this!

Rachel: Okay, you guys, just relax. (She goes over to open the door, and as she does, she says.) I doooo. (Sees that it抯 Joshua, not Chandler that knocked on the door.)

Joshua: I gotta go.

Rachel: Oh, wait, Joshua! Joshua! (Pause) (Comes back inside) Yeah, well, that oughta do it.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Chandler抯 bedroom, he is sleeping with Marjorie. All of the sudden, Marjorie starts talking in her sleep, awakening Chandler. After a little bit, she quiets back down, and Chandler tries to get back to sleep. There抯 a short pause until she starts screaming, causing Chandler to scream with her. She quickly calms down. This all wakes up Joey, who comes over wearing the mouth guard, opens the top half of Chandler抯 door, and starts to complain about the noise.]

Joey: (muffled by the mouth guard) Dude! I am trying to sleep! (Shrugs to say, "What抯 up with that?")

End


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The One With the Sonogram at the End

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Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane 
Transcribed by: guineapig


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[Scene Central Perk, everyone's there.]

Monica: What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it. 

Joey: Yeah, right!.......Y'serious? 

Phoebe: Oh, yeah! 

Rachel: Everything you need to know is in that first kiss. 

Monica: Absolutely. 

Chandler: Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out. 

Ross: Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket. 

Chandler: The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake. 

Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone. 

Joey: (pause)....Are we still talking about sex?

Opening Credits

[Scene: Museum of Prehistoric History, Ross and a co-worker (Marsha) are setting up an exhibit which includes some mannequins of cave people.] 

Ross: No, it's good, it is good, it's just that- mm- doesn't she seem a little angry? 

Marsha: Well, she has issues. 

Ross: Does she. 

Marsha: He's out banging other women over the head with a club, while she sits at home trying to get the mastodon smell out of the carpet! 

Ross: Marsha, these are cave people. Okay? They have issues like 'Gee, that glacier's getting kinda close.' See? 

Marsha: Speaking of issues, isn't that your ex-wife? 

(Carol, Ross's ex-wife, has entered behind them and is standing outstide the exhibit.) 

Ross: (trying to ignore her) No. No. 

Marsha: Yes, it is. Carol! Hi! 

Ross: Okay, okay, yes, it is. (waves) How about I'll, uh, catch up with you in the Ice Age. 

(Marsha extis and Ross waves Carol into the exhibit.) 

Ross:Hi. 

Carol: So. 

Ross: You look great. I, uh... I hate that. 

Carol: Sorry. You look good too. 

Ross: Ah, well, in here, anyone who... stands erect... So what's new? Still, uh... 

Carol: A lesbian? 

Ross: Well... you never know. How's, um.. how's the family? 

Carol: Marty's still totally paranoid. Oh, and, uh- 

Ross: Why- why are you here, Carol? 

Carol: I'm pregnant. 

Ross: Pregnant?! 

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are watching Three's Company.]

Chandler: Oh, I think this is the episode of Three's Company where there's some kind of misunderstanding. 

Phoebe:...Then I've already seen this one! (Turns off the TV.) 

Monica: (taking a drink from Joey) Are you through with that? 

Joey: Yeah, sorry, the swallowing slowed me down. 

Monica: Whose little ball of paper is this?! 

Chandler: Oh, uh, that would be mine. See, I wrote a note to myself, and then I realised I didn't need it, so I balled it up and... (sees that Monica is glaring at him) ...now I wish I was dead. 

(Monica starts to fluff a pillow.) 

Phoebe: She's already fluffed that pillow... Monica, you know, you've already fluffed that- (Monica glares at her.) -but, it's fine! 

Monica: Look , I'm sorry, guys, I just don't wanna give them any more ammunition than they already have. 

Chandler: Yes, and we all know how cruel a parent can be about the flatness of a child's pillow. 

Phoebe: Monica- Hi! Um, Monica, you're scaring me. I mean, you're like, you're like all chaotic and twirly. And not-not in a good way. 

Joey: Yeah, calm down. You don't see Ross getting all chaotic and twirly every time they come. 

Monica: That's because as far as my parents are concerned, Ross can do no wrong. Y'see, he's the Prince. Apparently they had some big ceremony before I was born. 

Chandler: (looking out the window) Ew, ew, ew, ew ew ew ew ew! 

Monica: What? 

Chandler: Ugly Naked Guy got a Thighmaster! 

All: Eeaagh! 

(Rachel enters from her room.) 

Rachel: Has anybody seen my engagement ring? 

Phoebe: Yeah, it's beautiful. 

Rachel: Oh God, oh God, oh God oh God oh God oh God.... (Starts to look under the couch cushions.) 

Phoebe: No, look, don't touch that! 

Rachel: Oh, like I wasn't dreading tomorrow enough, having to give it back to him... 'Hi Barry! Remember me? I'm the girl in the veil who stomped on your heart in front of your entire family!' Oh God and now I'm gonna have to return the ring, without the ring, which makes it so much harder... 

Monica: Easy Rach, we'll find it. (To all) Won't we! 

Chandler and Joey: Oh! Yeah!

Joey: Alright, when'd'ya have it on last?

Phoebe: Doy! Probably right before she lost it! 

Chandler: You don't get a lot of 'doy' these days... 

Rachel: I know I had it this morning, and I know I had it when I was in the kitchen with... 

Chandler: ...Dinah? 

Rachel: (looks at the lasagne and realizes something) Ohhhhh, don't be mad... 

Monica: You didn't. 

Rachel: Oh, I am sorry... 

Monica: I gave you one job! (Starts to examin the lasagne through the bottom of the glass pan.) 

Rachel: Oh, but look how straight those noodles are! 

Chandler: Now, Monica, you know that's not how you look for an engagement ring in a lasagne... 

Monica: (puts down the lasagne) I just... can't do it. 

Chandler: Boys? We're going in. 

(Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe start to pick through the lasagne as there's a knock on the door which Monica answers.) 

Ross: (standing outside the door).....Hi. 

Monica: Wow. That is not a happy hi. 

Ross: Carol's pregnant. 

Phoebe: (while everyone else is stunned) Ooh! I found it! 

Monica: W-w-wh-... wha-... w-w-w-... 

Ross: Yeah. Do that for another two hours, you might be where I am right about now. (He enters.) 

Chandler: Kinda puts that whole pillow thing in perspective, huh, Mon? 

Rachel: Well now, how-how do you fit into this whole thing? 

Ross: Well, Carol says she and Susan want me to be involved, but if I'm not comfortable with it, I don't have to be involved.. basically it's entirely up to me. 

Phoebe: She is so great! I miss her. 

Monica: What does she mean by 'involved'? 

Chandler: I mean presumably, the biggest part of your job is done. 

Ross: Anyway, they want me to go down to this- sonogram thing with them tomorrow. 

Rachel: So what are you gonna do? 

Ross: I have no idea. No matter what I do, though, I'm still gonna be a father. 

(Joey starts to eat the rest of the lasagne and everyone turns and stares at him.) 

Joey: .....Well, this is still ruined, right?

[Scene, Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross are pouring wine for their parents.] 

Mrs. Geller: Oh, Martha Ludwin's daughter is gonna call you. (Tastes a snack) Mmm! What's that curry taste? 

Monica: Curry. 

Mrs. Geller: Mmmm! 

Ross: I- I think they're great! I, I really do. 

Mr. Geller: (To Ross) Do you remember the Ludwins? The big one had a thing for you, didn't she? 

Mrs. Geller: They all had a thing for him. 

Ross: Aw, Mom... 

Monica: I'm sorry, why is this girl going to call me? 

Mrs. Geller: Oh, she just graduated, and she wants to be something in cooking, or food, or.... I don't know. Anyway, I told her you had a restaurant- 

Monica: No Mom, I don't have a restaurant, I work in a restaurant. 

Mrs. Geller: Well, they don't have to know that... (She starts to fluff the same pillow Monica fluffed multiple times earlier.) 

Monica: Ross, could you come and help me with the spaghetti, please? 

Ross: Yeah. (They go to the kitchen.) 

Mrs. Geller: Oh, we're having spaghetti! That's.... easy. 

Monica: I know this is going to sound unbelievably selfish, but, were you planning on bringing up the whole baby/lesbian thing? Because I think it might take some of the heat off me. 

[Time Lapse, everyone is now eating.] 

Mrs. Geller: What that Rachel did to her life.... We ran into her parents at the club, they were not playing very well. 

Mr. Geller: I'm not gonna tell you what they spent on that wedding... but forty thousand dollars is a lot of money! 

Mrs. Geller: Well, at least she had the chance to leave a man at the altar... 

Monica: What's that supposed to mean? 

Mrs. Geller: Nothing! It's an expression. 

Monica: No it's not. 

Mr. Geller: Don't listen to your mother. You're independent, and you always have been! Even when you were a kid... and you were chubby, and you had no friends, you were just fine! And you would read alone in your room, and your puzzles... 

[Time Lapse.]

Mr. Geller: Look, there are people like Ross who need to shoot for the stars, with his museum, and his papers getting published. Other people are satisfied with staying where they are- I'm telling you, these are the people who never get cancer. 

[Time Lapse.] 

Mr. Geller: ...And I read about these women trying to have it all, and I thank God 'Our Little Harmonica' doesn't seem to have that problem. 

Monica: (trying desperately to change the subject) So, Ross, what's going on with you? Any stories? (Digs her elbow into his hand.) No news, no little anecdotes to share with the folks? 

Ross: (pulls his hand away) Okay! Okay. (To his parents) Look, I, uh- I realise you guys have been wondering what exactly happened between Carol and me, and, so, well, here's the deal. Carol's a lesbian. She's living with a woman named Susan. She's pregnant with my child, and she and Susan are going to raise the baby. 

(Stunned silence ensues.) 

Mrs. Geller: (To Monica) And you knew about this?! 

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Park, everyone's there.] 

Joey: Your folks are really that bad, huh? 

Ross: Well, y'know, these people are pros. They know what they're doing, they take their time, they get the job done. 

Monica: Boy, I know they say you can't change your parents,... boy, if you could- (To Ross) -I'd want yours. 

Ross: Must pee. (Goes to pee.) 

Phoebe: Y'know, it's even worse when you're twins. 

Rachel: You're twins? 

Phoebe: Yeah. We don't speak. She's like this high-powered, driven career type. 

Chandler: What does she do? 

Phoebe: She's a waitress. 

Rachel: All right, you guys, I kinda gotta clean up now. (They all start to leave.) 

Monica: Chandler, you're an only child, right? You don't have any of this. 

Chandler: Well, no, although I did have an imaginary friend, who... my parents actually preferred. 

Rachel: The lights, please..

(Joey turns off the lights, and they all leave as Rachel starts to clean up.  Ross enters from the bathroom.) 

Ross: ...How long was I in there? 

Rachel: I'm just cleaning up. 

Ross: D'ya.. uh.. d'ya need any help? 

Rachel: Uh.. okay, sure! Thanks! (She hands him the broom and sits down.) 

Ross: Anyway.. um.. (Starts to sweep.) So, you- uh- you nervous about Barry tomorrow? 

Rachel: Oh.. a little.. 

Ross: Mm-hmm.. 

Rachel: A lot. 

Ross: Mm. 

Rachel: So, got any advice? Y'know, as someone who's recently been- dumped? 

Ross: Well, you may wanna steer clear of the word 'dumped'. Chances are he's gonna be this, this broken shell of a man, y'know, so you should try not to look too terrific, I know it'll be hard. Or, y'know, uh, hey!, I'll go down there, and I'll give Barry back his ring, and you can go with Carol and Susan to the OB/GYN... 

Rachel: Oh, you've got Carol tomorrow.. When did it get so complicated? 

Ross: Got me. 

Rachel: Remember when we were in high school together? 

Ross: Yeah. 

Rachel: I mean, didn't you think you were just gonna meet somone, fall in love- and that'd be it? (Ross gazes at her.) ..Ross? 

Ross: Yes, yes! 

Rachel: Oh! Man, I never thought I'd be here.. (She leans back onto his hand.) 

Ross: Me either... (He pulls up a stool so that he doesn't have to move his hand.) 

[Scene: Carol's OB/GYN, Carol is waiting.] 

Ross: (entering) Sorry I'm late, I was stuck at work. There was this big dinosaur.. thing.. anyway. 

(Susan enters holding a drink.) 

Susan: Hi. 

Carol: Ross, you remember Susan. 

Ross: How could I forget? 

Susan: Ross. 

Ross: (they shake hands) Hello, Susan. (To Carol) Good shake. Good shake. So, uh, we're just waiting for...? 

Carol: Dr. Oberman. 

Ross: ..Dr. Oberman. Okay. And is he- 

Susan: She. 

Ross: -she, of course, she- uh- familiar with our.. special situation? 

Carol: Yes, and she's very supportive. 

Ross: Okay, that's great. (Susan gives her drink to Carol.) No, I'm- Oh.  

Carol: Thanks. 

Ross: (picks up a surgical instrament and mimes a duck with it) Quack, quack.. 

Carol: Ross? That opens my cervix. (He drops it in horror.) 

[Scene Barry's office, Barry is working on patient, Robbie, as Rachel enters.] 

Rachel: Barry? 

Barry: C'mon in. 

Rachel: (hesitates) Are you sure? 

Barry: Yeah! It's fine, it's fine. Robbie's gonna be here for hours. 

Robbie: Huh?! 

Barry: So, how ya doin? 

Rachel: I'm- uh- I'm okay... You look great! 

Barry: Yeah, well.. 

Bernice: (over intercom) Dr. Farber, Jason Greenstein's gagging. 

Barry: (answering the intercom) Be right there. (To Robbie and Rachel) Be back in a sec. 

(As Barry exits Robbie stares at Rachel.) 

Rachel: I dumped him. 

Robbie: Okay. 

[Scene: Carol's OB/GYN, they're talking about how this is going to work.] 

Ross: So, um- so how's this, uh, how's this gonna work? Y'know, with us? Y'know, when, like, important decisions have to be made? 

Carol: Give me a 'for instance'. 

Ross: Well, uh, uh, I don't know, okay, okay, how about with the, uh, with the baby's name? 

Carol: Marlon- 

Ross: Marlon?! 

Carol: -if it's a boy, Minnie if it's a girl. 

Ross: ...As in Mouse? 

Carol: As in my grandmother. 

Ross: Still, you- you say Minnie, you hear Mouse. Um, how about, um.. how about Julia? 

Carol: Julia.. 

Susan: We agreed on Minnie. 

Ross: 'S'funny, um, uh, we agreed we'd spend the rest of our lives together. Things change, roll with the punches. I believe Julia's on the table..? 

[Scene: Barry's office, Rachel is doing her makeup in the mirror on Barry's lamp as Barry enters.] 

Barry: Sorry about that. So. What have you been up to? 

Rachel: Oh, not much. I-I got a job. 

Barry: Oh, that's great. 

Rachel: Why are- why are you so tanned? 

Barry: Oh, I, uh- I went to Aruba. 

Rachel: Oh no. You went on our honeymoon alone? 

Barry: No. I went with, uh.. Now, this may hurt. 

Robbie: Me?! 

Barry: No! (To Rachel) I went with Mindy. 

Rachel: Mindy?! My maid of honour, Mindy?! 

Barry: Yeah, well, uh, we're kind of a thing now. 

Rachel: Oh! Well, um.. (Grabs his forehand) You've got plugs! 

Barry: Careful! They haven't quite taken yet. 

Rachel: And you've got lenses! But you hate sticking your finger in your eye! 

Barry: Not for her. Listen, I really wanted to thank you. 

Rachel: Okay.. 

Barry: See, about a month ago, I wanted to hurt you. More than I've ever wanted to hurt anyone in my life. And I'm an orthodontist. 

Rachel: Wow. 

Barry: You know, you were right? I mean, I thought we were happy. We weren't happy. But with Mindy, now I'm happy. Spit. 

Rachel: What? 

Robbie: Me. (Spits.) 

Rachel: Anyway, um, (Gets the ring out of her purse.) I guess this belongs to you. And thank you for giving it to me. 

Barry: Well, thank you for giving it back. 

(Barry and Rachel look at each other.) 

Robbie: Hello?! 

[Scene: Carol's OB/GYN, they're still arguing about what to name the baby.] 

Susan: Oh, please! What's wrong with Helen? 

Ross: Helen Geller? I don't think so. 

Carol: Hello? It's not gonna be Helen Geller. 

Ross: Thank you! 

Carol: No, I mean it's not Geller. 

Ross: What, it's gonna be Helen Willick? 

Carol: No, actually, um, we talked about Helen Willick-Bunch. 

Ross: Well, wait a minute, wha- why is she in the title? 

Susan: It's my baby too. 

Ross: Oh, 's'funny, really? Um, I don't remember you making any sperm. 

Susan: Yeah, and we all know what a challenge that is! 

Carol: All right, you two, stop it! 

Ross: No no no, she gets a credit, hey, I'm in there too. 

Carol: Ross. You're not actually suggesting Helen Willick-Bunch-Geller? 'Cause I think that borders on child abuse. 

Ross: Of course not, I'm... suggesting Geller-Willick-Bunch. 

Susan: Oh, no, nonononono, you see what he's doing? He knows no-one's gonna say all those names, so they'll wind up calling her Geller, then he gets his way! 

Ross: My way?! You-you think this is my way? Believe me, of all the ways I ever imagined this moment in my life being, this is not my way- y'know what? Uh, um, this is too hard. I'm not, I can't do- 

Dr. Oberman: (entering) Knock knock!How are we today? Any nausea? 

All: Yeah. Yeah. A little. 

Dr. Oberman: Well, I was just wondering about the mother-to-be, but.. thanks for sharing. (To Carol) Uh, lie back.. 

Ross: You- uh- y'know what, I'm gonna go. I don't- I don't think I can be involved in this particular thing right now. 

(He turns to go, but the sound of the sonogram catches hes ear.  He returns and stares at it.)

Ross: Oh my God. 

Susan: Look at that. 

Carol: I know. 

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment, everyone is watching the tape of the sonogram.   Rachel is on the phone.]

Ross: Well? Isn't that amazing? 

Joey: What are we supposed to be seeing here? 

Chandler: I dunno, but.. I think it's about to attack the Enterprise. 

Phoebe: You know, if you tilt your head to the left, and relax your eyes, it kinda looks like an old potato. 

Ross: Then don't do that, alright? 

Phoebe: Okay! 

Ross: (walks over to where Monica is standing)Monica. Whaddya think? 

Monica: (welling up) Mm-hmm. 

Ross: Wh- are you welling up? 

Monica: No. 

Ross: You are, you're welling up. 

Monica: Am not! 

Ross: You're gonna be an aunt. 

Monica: (pushes him and starts to cry) Oh shut up! 

Rachel: (on phone) Hi, Mindy. Hi, it-it's Rachel. Yeah, I'm fine. I-I saw Barry today. Oh, yeah, yeah he-he told me. No, no, it's okay. I hope you two are very happy, I really do. Oh, oh, and Mind, y'know, if-if everything works out, and you guys end up getting married and having kids- and everything- I just hope they have his old hairline and your old nose. (Slams the phone down.) (To everyone) Okay, I know it was a cheap shot, but I feel so much better now. 

End


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The One With the Thumb

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Written by: Jeffrey Astrof & Mike Sikowitz. 
Transcribed by: guineapig


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[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe is there.] 

Phoebe: (entering) Hi guys! 

All: Hey, Pheebs! Hi! 

Ross: Hey. Oh, oh, how'd it go? 

Phoebe: Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said 'We should do this again!' 

All: Ohh. Ouch. 

Rachel: What? He said 'we should do it again', that's good, right? 

Monica: Uh, no. Loosely translated 'We should do this again' means 'You will never see me naked'. 

Rachel: Since when? 

Joey: Since always. It's like dating language. Y'know, like 'It's not you' means 'It is you'. 

Chandler: Or 'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you'. 

Phoebe: Or, or, y'know, um, 'I think we should see other people' means 'Ha, ha, I already am'. 

Rachel: And everybody knows this? 

Joey: Yeah. Cushions the blow. 

Chandler: Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm. 

Ross: That's funny, that, no, because, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send our dog off to live on a farm. 

Monica: Uh, Ross. 

Ross: What? Wh- hello? The Millners' farm in Connecticut? The Millners, they had this unbelievable farm, they had horses, and, and rabbits that he could chase and it was- it w- .....Oh my God, Chi Chi! 

Opening Credits 

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is helping Joey rehearse for a part.]

Chandler: "So how does it feel knowing you're about to die?" 

Joey: "Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over. But you'll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die." 

Chandler: Hey, that was really good! 

Joey: Thanks! Let's keep going. 

Chandler: Okay. "So. Whaddya want from me, Damone, huh?" 

Joey: "I just wanna go back to my cell. 'Cause in my cell, I can smoke." 

Chandler: "Smoke away." 

(Joey takes out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.  He fumbles and drops the lighter.  Then he lights a cigarett, takes a drag, and coughs.)

Chandler: I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone. 

Joey: What? 

Chandler: Relax your hand! 

(Joey lets his wrist go limp.) 

Chandler: Not so much! 

Joey: Whoah! 

Chandler: Hey! 

Joey: Hey! 

Chandler: Alright, now try taking a puff. 

(Joey tries and visibly winces.) 

Chandler: Alright.. okay. No. Give it to me. 

Joey: No no no, I am not giving you a cigarette. 

Chandler: It's fine, it's fine. Look, do you wanna get this part, or not? Here. 

(Joey reluctantly gives him the cigarette.) 

Chandler: Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that's been missing from your hand. When you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete. 

Joey: Y'miss it? 

Chandler: Nah, not so much. Alright, now we smoke. (Takes a puff.) Oh.. my.. God. (He continues to smoke.) 

[Scene, Central Perk, everyone except Phoebe and Rachel is there.] 

Monica: No, no, no. They say it's the same as the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb to the tip of his index finger. 

(The guys stretch out their fingers.) 

Joey: That's ridiculous! 

Ross: Can I use.. either thumb? 

Rachel: (carrying a tray of drinks) Alright, don't tell me, don't tell me! (Starts handing them out.) Decaf cappucino for Joey.. Coffee black.. Late.. And an iced tea. I'm getting pretty good at this! 

All: Yeah. Yeah, excellent. 

Rachel: (leaving to serve others) Good for me! 

(The gang swaps all the drinks for what they ordered as Phoebe enters.  She sits down without saying hi.)

Joey: Y'okay, Phoebe? 

Phoebe: Yeah- no- I'm just- it's, I haven't worked- It's my bank. 

Monica: What did they do to you? 

Phoebe: It's nothing, it's just- Okay. I'm going through my mail, and I open up their monthly, you know, STATEMENT- 

Ross: Easy. 

Phoebe: - and there's five hundred extra dollars in my account. 

Chandler: Oh, Satan's minions at work again... 

Phoebe: Yes, 'cause now I have to go down there, and deal with them. 

Joey: What are you talking about? Keep it! 

Phoebe: It's not mine, I didn't earn it, if I kept it, it would be like stealing. 

Rachel: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping! 

Phoebe: Okay. Okay, let's say I bought a really great pair of shoes. Do you know what I'd hear, with every step I took? 'Not-mine. Not-mine. Not-mine.' And even if I was happy, okay, and, and skipping- 'Not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine'... 

Monica: We're with you. We got it. 

(Chandler leans over the back of the couch out of sight.) 

Phoebe: Okay. I'd- just- I'd never be able to enjoy it. It would be like this giant karmic debt. 

Rachel: Chandler, what are you doing? 

Monica: (puling him up) Hey. Whaddya doing? 

(Chandler tries to shrug nonchalantly but eventually he has to exhale a mouthful of smoke.)

All: Oh! Oh, God! 

Ross: What is this?! 

Chandler: I'm smoking. I'm smoking, I'm smoking. 

Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you! You've been so good, for three years! 

Chandler: And this- is my reward! 

Ross: Hold on a second, alright? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit. 

Chandler: Okay, so this time I won't quit! 

All: Ohhh! Put it out! 

Chandler: All right! I'm putting it out, I'm putting it out. (He drops it in Phoebe's coffee.) 

Phoebe: Oh, no! I- I can't drink this now! 

Monica: Alright. I'm gonna go change, I've got a date. 

Rachel: This Alan again? How's it goin'? 

Monica: 'S'going pretty good, y'know? It's nice, and, we're having fun. 

Joey: So when do we get to meet the guy? 

Monica: Let's see, today's Monday... Never. 

All: Oh, come on! Come on! 

Monica: No. Not after what happened with Steve. 

Chandler: What are you talking about? We love Schhteve! Schhteve was schhexy!.. Sorry. 

Monica: Look, I don't even know how I feel about him yet. Just give me a chance to figure that out. 

Rachel: Well, then can we meet him? 

Monica: Nope. Schhorry. 

[Scene: Iridium, Monica and Paula are at work.]

Monica: I mean, why should I let them meet him? I mean, I bring a guy home, and within five minutes they're all over him. I mean, they're like- coyotes, picking off the weak members of the herd. 

Paula: Listen. As someone who's seen more than her fair share of bad beef, I'll tell you: that is not such a terrible thing. I mean, they're your friends, they're just looking out after you. 

Monica: I know. I just wish that once, I'd bring a guy home that they actually liked. 

Paula: Well, you do realise the odds of that happening are a little slimmer if they never get to meet the guy.. 

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is smoking out on the balcony, Phoebe is absent.]

Joey: Let it go, Ross. 

Ross: Yeah, well, you didn't know Chi Chi. 

Monica: Do you all promise? 

All: Yeah! We promise! We'll be good! 

Monica: (shouts to Chandler) Chandler? Do you promise to be good? 

(Chandler makes a 'Cross my heart' sign.  It starts to rain and he taps on the window.)

Joey: You can come in, but your filter-tipped little buddy has to stay outside! 

(Chandler sulkilty picks up a garbage can lid and uses it as an umbrella.)

(Phoebe enters, walks to the couch, sits down, and begins to read a letter without saying hi.)

Ross: Hey, Pheebs. 

Phoebe: 'Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We're sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you'll accept this- (Searches in her purse) -football phone as our free gift.' Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars, and a football phone! 

Rachel: What bank is this? 

(The intercom buzzes.) 

Monica: Hey. It's him. (On the intercom) Who is it? 

Alan: (on the intercom) It's Alan. 

Joey: (shouting to Chandler) Chandler! He's here! 

(Chandler comes in, dripping wet.) 

Monica: (to all) Okay, please be good, please. Just remember how much you all like me. 

(She opens the door and Alan enters.) 

Monica: Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Alan. 

Alan: Hi. 

All: Hi, Alan. 

Alan: I've heard schho much about all you guyschh! 

(Everyone laughs.)

[Time lapse, Alan is leaving.]

Monica: (to Alan) Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow. (Alan exits, to all) Okay. Okay, let's let the Alan-bashing begin. Who's gonna take the first shot, hmm? 

(Silence.) 

Monica: C'mon! 

Ross: ...I'll go. Let's start with the way he kept picking at- no, I'm sorry, I can't do this, can't do this. We loved him. 

All: Loved him! Yeah! He's great! 

Monica: Wait a minute! We're talking about someone that I'm going out with? 

All: Yeah! 

Rachel: And did you notice...? (She spreads her thumb and index finger.) 

The Guys: (reluctantly) Yeah. 

Joey: Know what was great? The way his smile was kinda crooked. 

Phoebe: Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe! 

Ross: ...What shoe? 

Phoebe: From the nursery rhyme. 'There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while...' 

(Dubious pause.) 

Ross: ...So I think Alan will become the yardstick against which all future boyfriends will be measured. 

Rachel: What future boyfriends? Nono, I th- I think this could be, y'know, it. 

Monica: Really! 

Chandler: Oh, yeah. I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhof impression alone. You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties, right? (Does the impression) 

Ross: You know what I like most about him, though? 

All: What? 

Ross: The way he makes me feel about myself. 

All: Yeah... 

Commercial Break 

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is alone as Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Joey enter dejectedly in softball gear.] 

Monica: Hi.. how was the game? 

Ross: Well.. 

All: WE WON!! Thank you! Yes! 

Monica: Fantastic! I have one question: How is that possible? 

Joey: Alan. 

Ross: He was unbelievable. He was like that-that-that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions, right, but instead of Bugs it was first base-Alan, second base-Alan, third base-... 

Rachel: I mean, it-it was like, it was like he made us into a team. 

Chandler: Yep, we sure showed those Hassidic jewellers a thing or two about softball.. 

Monica: Can I ask you guys a question? D'you ever think that Alan is maybe.. sometimes.. 

Ross: What? 

Monica: ..I dunno, a little too Alan? 

Rachel: Well, no. That's impossible. You can never be too Alan. 

Ross: Yeah, it's his, uh, innate Alan-ness that-that-that we adore. 

Chandler: I personally could have a gallon of Alan. 

[Scene: A street, Phoebe walks up to a homeless person (Lizzie) she knows.] 

Phoebe: Hey, Lizzie. 

Lizzie: Hey, Weird Girl. 

Phoebe: I brought you alphabet soup. 

Lizzie: Did you pick out the vowels? 

Phoebe: Yes. But I left in the Ys. 'Cause, y'know, "sometimes y". Uh, I also have something else for you. (She searches in her purse.) 

Lizzie: Saltines? 

Phoebe: No, but would you like a thousand dollars and a football phone? 

Lizzie: What? (She opens the envelope Phoebe has given her.) Oh my God, there's really money in here. 

Phoebe: I know. 

Lizzie: Weird Girl, what are you doing? 

Phoebe: No, I want you to have it. I don't want it. 

Lizzie: No, no, I ha-I have to give you something. 

Phoebe: Oh, that's fine, no. 

Lizzie: Would you like my tin-foil hat? 

Phoebe: No. 'Cause you need that. No, it's okay, thanks. 

Lizzie: Please, let me do something. 

Phoebe: Okay, alright, you buy me a soda, and then we're even. Okay? 

Lizzie: Okay. 

Phoebe: Okay. 

[Scene: Chandler's office, Chandler looks around, opens his desk drawer, takes a puff of a cigarette, sprays around some air freshener, and takes some breath spray.  He types for a little while, opens the drawer again, and takes another drag of the cigarette.   While not paying attention, he sprays the breath spray around the room, takes a squirt of air freshener and gags.]

[Scene: A Street, Phoebe and Lizzie are at a hot dog vendor.]

Lizzie: Keep the change. (To Phoebe) Sure you don't wanna pretzel? 

Phoebe: No, I'm fine. 

Lizzie: (leaves) See ya. 

(Phoebe opens the can and reacts.) 

Phoebe: Huh! 

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is telling everyone about her discovery.]

Ross: A thumb?! 

(Phoebe nods.) 

All: Eww! 

Phoebe: I know! I know, I opened it up and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker! 

Chandler: Well, maybe it's a contest, y'know? Like, collect all five? 

Phoebe: Does, um, anyone wanna see? 

All: Nooo! 

(Chandler lights a cigarette.)

All: Oh, hey, don't do that! Cut it out! 

Rachel: It's worse than the thumb! 

Chandler: Hey, this is so unfair! 

Monica: Oh, why is it unfair? 

Chandler: So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying? And Ross, with his over-pronouncing every single word? And Monica, with that snort when she laughs? I mean, what the hell is that thing? ...I accept all those flaws, why can't you accept me for this? 

(An awkward silence ensues.)

Joey: ...Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody? 

Rachel: Well, I-I could live without it. 

Joey: Well, is it, like, a little annoying, or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair? 

(Phoebe spits out her hair.)

Ross: Oh, now, don't listen to him, Pheebs, I think it's endearing. 

Joey: Oh, (Imitating Ross) "you do, do you"? 

(Monica laughs and snorts.) 

Ross: You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly. 

Rachel: "Indeed there isn't"... I should really get back to work. 

Phoebe: Yeah, 'cause otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered. 

Rachel: Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out, and the gloves come on. 

(They degenerate into bickering and Chandler happily starts to smoke, undisturbed.)

[Scene: Iridium, Monica and Paula are working.]

Monica: Did you ever go out with a guy your friends all really like? 

Paula: No. 

Monica: Okay.. Well, I'm going out with a guy my friends all really like. 

Paula: Waitwait.. we talking about the coyotes here? All right, a cow got through! 

Monica: Can you believe it? ...Y'know what? I just don't feel the thing. I mean, they feel the thing, I don't feel the thing. 

Paula: Honey.. you should always feel the thing. Listen, if that's how you feel about the guy, Monica, dump him! 

Monica: I know.. it's gonna be really hard. 

Paula: Well, he's a big boy, he'll get over it. 

Monica: No, he'll be fine. It's the other five I'm worried about. 

[Scene: Cental Perk, Joey and Ross are persecuting Chandler about his smoking.]

Joey: Do you have any respect for your body? 

Ross: Don't you realise what you're-you're doing to yourself? 

Chandler: Hey, y'know, I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it. 

Rachel: (holding the phone out to Chandler) Chandler? It's Alan, he wants to speak to you. 

Chandler: Really? He does? (taking the phone) Hey, buddy, what's up! Oh, she told you about that, huh. Well, yeah, I have one now and then. Well, yeah, now. Well, it's not that big- ..well, that's true,.. Gee, y'know, no-one- no-one's ever put it like that before. Well, okay, thanks! (He hands the phone back and stubs out his cigarette.) 

Rachel: (to Ross, who has wandered up) God, he's good. 

Ross: If only he were a woman. 

Rachel: Yeah. 

(They give each other a dubious look.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyond except Monica and Joey is watching Lambchop.] 

Chandler: Ooh, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock on my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too. 

Ross: Okay. I think it's time to change somebody's nicotine patch. (Does so.) 

Monica: (entering) Hey. Where's Joey? 

Chandler: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong? 

Rachel: I think he's across the hall. 

Monica: Thanks. (Goes to fetch him.) 

Ross: (finishing changing Chandler's nicotine patch) There y'go. 

Chandler: (deadpan) Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now. 

Ross: Hey Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart?.. Pheebs? 

Phoebe: Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart? 

Ross: Hey, I might! 

Phoebe: Sorry. ..Y'know, those stupid soda people gave me seven thousand dollars for the thumb. 

All: You're kidding. Oh my God. 

Phoebe: And on my way over here, I stepped in gum. ...What is up with the universe?! 

Joey: (dragged in by Monica, he has just gotten out of the shower) What's going on? 

Monica: Nothing. I just think it's nice when we're all here together. 

Joey: Even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear.. 

Rachel: Uh, Joey.. 

Joey: Oh, God! (Hurriedly closes his legs.) 

Monica: (turns off the TV) Okay.. 

All: Oh! That was Lambchop! 

Monica: Please, guys, we have to talk. 

Phoebe: Wait, wait, I'm getting a deja vu...no, I'm not. 

Monica: Alright, we have to talk. 

Phoebe: There it is! 

Monica: Okay. It's-it's about Alan. There's something that you should know. I mean, there's really no easy way to say this.. uh.. I've decided to break up with Alan. 

(They all gasp and clutch each other.)

Ross: Is there somebody else? 

Monica: No, nononono.. it's just.. things change. People change. 

Rachel: We didn't change.. 

Joey: So that's it? It's over? Just like that? 

Phoebe: You know.. you let your guard down, you start to really care about someone, and I just- I- (starts chewing her hair) 

Monica: Look, I- I could go on pretending- 

Joey: Okay! 

Monica: -but that wouldn't be fair to me, it wouldn't be fair to Alan- It wouldn't be fair to you! 

Ross: Who-who wants fair? Y'know, I just want things back. Y'know, the way they were. 

Monica: I'm sorry.. 

Chandler: (sarcastic) Oh, she's sorry! I feel better! 

Rachel: (tearful) I just can't believe this! I mean, with the holidays coming up- I wanted him to meet my family- 

Monica: I'll meet somone else. There'll be other Alans. 

All: Oh, yeah! Right! 

Monica: Are you guys gonna be okay? 

Ross: Hey hey, we'll be fine. We're just gonna need a little time. 

Monica: (dubious) I understand. 

[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica is breaking the news to Alan.]

Alan: Wow. 

Monica: I'm, I'm really sorry. 

Alan: Yeah, I'm sorry too. But, I gotta tell you, I am a little relieved. 

Monica: Relieved? 

Alan: Yeah, well, I had a great time with you.. I just can't stand your friends. 

Closing Credits 

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is mopping around and eating ice cream.] 

Rachel: Remember when we went to Central Park and rented boats?.. That was fun. 

Ross: Yeah. He could row like a viking. 

Monica: (entering) Hi. 

All: Mmm. 

Ross: So how'd it go? 

Monica: Oh, y'know.. 

Phoebe: Did he mention us? 

Monica: He said he's really gonna miss you guys. (dubious look) 

Ross: You had a rough day, huh.. c'mere. (She sits down and Ross strokes her forehead.) 

Chandler: ...That's it. I'm getting cigarettes. 

All: No no no! 

Chandler: (leaving) I don't care, I don't care! Game's over! I'm weak! I've gotta smoke! I've gotta have the smoke! 

Phoebe: (shouting as he leaves) If you never smoke again I'll give you seven thousand dollars! 

Chandler: (returns) Yeah, alright.

End


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
The One With George Stephanopoulos

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Written by: Alexa Junge
Transcribed by: guineapig


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[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except Joey.] 

Monica: Alright. Phoebe? 

Phoebe: Okay, okay. If I were omnipotent for a day, I would want, um, world peace, no more hunger, good things for the rain-forest...And bigger boobs! 

Ross: Yeah, see.. you took mine. Chandler, what about you? 

Chandler: Uh, if I were omnipotent for a day, I'd.. make myself omnipotent forever. 

Rachel: See, there's always one guy. (Mocking) "If I had a wish, I'd wish for three more wishes." (Joey enters.) 

All: Hey Joey. Hi. Hey, buddy. 

Monica: Hey, Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent? 

Joey: Probably kill myself! 

Monica: ..Excuse me? 

Joey: Hey, if Little Joey's dead, then I got no reason to live! 

Ross: Joey, uh- OMnipotent. 

Joey: You are? Ross, I'm sorry.. 

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Monica are watching Phoebe sleep.]

Monica: How does she do that? 

Ross: I cannot sleep in a public place. 

Monica: Would you look at her? She is so peaceful. 

Phoebe: (waking and startling them) Oh! What what what! ...Hi. 

Ross: It's okay, y'know, you just nodded off again. 

Monica: What's going on with you? 

Phoebe: I got no sleep last night! 

Ross: Why? 

Phoebe: My grandmother has this new boyfriend, and they're both kind of insecure in bed. Oh, and deaf. So they're constantly, like, having to reassure each other that they're having a good time. You have no idea how loud they are! 

Monica: Well, if you want, you can stay with Rachel and me tonight. 

Phoebe: Thanks. 

(Chandler and Joey enter.  Joey is counting his steps.) 

Joey: ...Ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven. See, I told you! Less than a hundred steps from our place to here. 

Chandler: You got waaaay too much free time. 

Joey: (to Ross) Hey! Here's the birthday boy! Ross, check it out: hockey tickets, Rangers-Penguins, tonight at the Garden, and we're taking you. 

Chandler: Happy birthday, pal! 

Joey: We love you, man. (Kisses Ross) 

Ross: Funny, my birthday was seven months ago. 

Joey: So? 

Ross: So, I'm guessing you had an extra ticket and couldn't decide which one of you got to bring a date? 

Chandler: Well, aren't we Mr. "The glass is half empty." 

Ross: Oh my God, oh- is today the twentieth, October twentieth? 

Monica: Oh, I was hoping you wouldn't remember. 

Ross: Ohhh. 

Joey: What's wrong with the twentieth? 

Chandler: Eleven days before Halloween.. all the good costumes are gone? 

Ross: Today's the day Carol and I first.. consummated our physical relationship. (Joey is puzzled.) Sex. ..You know what, I-I'd better pass on the game. I think I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover. 

Joey: The hell with hockey, let's all do that! 

Chandler: (trying to stop Ross leaving) C'mon, Ross! You, me, Joey, ice, guys' night out, c'mon, whaddya say, big guy, (Pretending to punch him in the stomach.) Huh? Huh? Huh? 

Ross: What are you doing? 

Chandler: (stops) I have no idea. 

Joey: C'mon, Ross! 

Ross: Alright, alright, maybe it'll take my mind off it. Do you promise to buy me a big thumb finger? 

Chandler: You got it.

(Rachel runs up cluching an envelope.) 

Rachel: Look-look-look-look-look, my first pay check! Look at the window, there's my name! Hi, me! 

Phoebe: I remember the day I got my first pay check. There was a cave in in one of the mines, and eight people were killed. 

Monica: Wow, you worked in a mine? 

Phoebe: I worked in a Dairy Queen, why? 

Rachel: God, isn't this exciting? I earned this. I wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it was totally?opens envelope)梟ot worth it. Who's FICA? Why's he getting all my money? I mean, what- Chandler, look at that. 

Chandler: (looking) Oh, this is not that bad. 

Joey: Oh, you're fine, yeah, for a first job. 

Ross: You can totally, totally live on this. 

Monica: Yeah, yeah. 

Ross: Oh, by the way, great service tonight. 

All: Oh! Yeah! 

(They all get their wallets out and give generous tips.)

Guys: Hockey! (They go to leave but are blocked by three of Rachel's friends, Leslie, Kiki, and Joanne.  The guys pause to stare at them.) Hockey! Hockey. (The guys.) 

Leslie: (looking around) Rachel? 

Rachel: Oh my God! (Rachel, Leslie, Kiki, and Joanne all scream and hug each other. 

Monica: (to Phoebe) I swear I've seen birds do this on Wild Kingdom. 

Rachel: What are you guys doing here? 

Kiki: Well, we were in the city shopping, and your mom said you work here, aaand it's true! 

Joanne: Look at you in the apron. You look like you're in a play. 

Rachel: (to a pregnant Leslie) Look at you, you are so big I can't believe it! 

Leslie: I know. I know! I'm a duplex. 

Rachel: (to Joanne) So what's going on with you? 

Joanne: Well, guess who my dad's making partner in his firm? (She points to herself and they all scream again.) 

Kiki: And while we're on the subject of news.. (She holds up here finger to show off her engagement ring and they all scream again.) 

Phoebe: (to Monica) Look, look, I have elbows! (They scream.)

[Scene: A Street, Chandler and Joey are kicking a can to each other.]

Chandler: ...Poulet passes it up to Leetch! (Passes it to Joey.) 

Joey: Leetch spots Messier in the crease- there's the pass! (He kicks it to Ross, but Ross is staring into a shop window.) 

Chandler: We'll take a brief time out while Messier stops to look at some women's shoes. 

Ross: Carol was wearing boots just like those the night that we- we first- y'know. Fact, she, uh- she never took'em off, 'cause we-we- (off Chandler's look) Sorry. Sorry. 

(They walk on.  Chandler and Joey start to talk but Ross stops and whines.) 

Joey: What? 

Ross: Peach pit. 

Chandler: Yes, Bunny? 

Ross: (points) Peach pit. That night we, uh- we had- 

Joey: -Peaches? 

Ross: Actually, nectarines, but basically... 

Chandler: (to Joey) Could've been a peach. 

Ross: Then, uh, then we got dressed, and I-I... I walked her to the- (looks up, realises, and points) -the bus stop... I'm fine.

Joey: Hey, that woman's got an ass like Carol's! (They turn to stare at him.) What? Thought we were trying to find stuff. 

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Lesile, Kiki, and Joanne are talking.]

Rachel: So c'mon, you guys, tell me all the dirt! 

Kiki: Well, the biggest news is still you dumping Barry at the altar! 

Joanne: Alright. Let's talk reality for a second. 

Rachel: Okay. 

Joanne: When are you coming home? 

Rachel: What? Guys, I'm not. 

Joanne: C'mon, this is us. 

Rachel: I'm not! This is what I'm doing now. I've got this job- 

Kiki: Waitressing? 

Rachel: Okay, I'm not just waitressing. I'm.. I, um... I write the specials on the specials board, and, uh... and I, uh... I take the uh dead flowers out of the vase... Oh, and, um, sometimes Artelle lets me put the little chocolate blobbies on the cookies. 

Leslie: Well. Your mom didn't tell us about the blobbies.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica are in pajamas and Monica is making something in the blender as Rachel enters.] 

Monica: Hey, Rach. How was it with your friends? (She and Phoebe scream.) Okay! How would you like some Tiki Death Punch? (She pours the contents of the blender into some glasses.) 

Rachel: What's that? 

Monica: Weeeell, it's rum, and- 

Rachel: Okay. (Grabs the blender and starts to drink.) 

Monica: We thought since Phoebe was staying over tonight we'd have kinda like a slumber party thing. We got some trashy magazines, we got cookie dough, we got Twister... (The phone rings and Monica answers it.) 

Phoebe: Ooh! Ooh! And I brought Operation! But, um, I lost the tweezers, so we can't operate. But we can prep the guy! 

Monica: Uh, Rach, it's the Visa card people. 

Rachel: Oh, God, ask them what they want. 

Monica: (on phone) Could you please tell me what this is in reference to? (Listens) Yes, hold on. (To Rachel) Um, they say there's been some unusual activity on your account. 

Rachel: But I haven't used my card in weeks! 

Monica: That is the unusual activity. Look, they just wanna see if you're okay. 

Rachel: They wanna know if I'm okay. Okay.. they wanna know if I'm okay, okay, let's see. Well, let's see, the FICA guys took all my money, everyone I know is either getting married, or getting promoted, or getting pregnant, and I'm getting coffee! And it's not even for me! So if that sounds like I'm okay, okay, then you can tell them I'm okay, okay? 

Monica: (pauses then on the phone) Uh- Rachel has left the building, can you call back? 

Rachel: Alright, c'mon! (Miserably) Let's play Twister!

[Scene: Madison Square Garden, the guys are trying to find their seats.] 

Ross: (squeezing past people) Sorry, sorry... Uh-oh. 

Chandler: What? There was ice there that night with Carol? Plastic seats? Four thousand angry Pittsburgh fans? 

Ross: No, actually I was just saying it looks like we're not sitting together. But now you mention it, there was ice there that night... It was the first frost... 

Joey: C'mon, sit. Just sit down, sit. 

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, they're all hanging out in the living room.]

Monica: You should feel great about yourself! You're doing this amazing independence thing! 

Rachel: Monica, what is so amazing? I gave up, like, everything. And for what? 

Phoebe: You are just like Jack. 

Rachel: ...Jack from downstairs? 

Phoebe: No, Jack and the Beanstalk. 

Monica: Ah, the other Jack. 

Phoebe: Yeah, right! See, he gave up something, but then he got those magic beans. And then he woke up, and there was this, this big plant outside his window, full of possibilities and stuff.. And he lived in a village, and you live in the Village.. 

Rachel: Okay, but Pheebs, Pheebs, Jack gave up a cow, I gave up an orthodontist. Okay, I-I-I know, I know I didn't love him- 

Phoebe: Oh, see, Jack did love the cow. 

Rachel: But see, it was a plan. Y'know, it was clear. It was figured out, and now everything's just kinda like... 

Phoebe: Floopy? 

Rachel: Yeah. 

Monica: So what, you're not the only one. I mean, half the time we don't know where we're going. You've just gotta figure at some point it's all gonna come together, and it's just gonna be... un-floopy. 

Phoebe: Oh, like that's a word. 

Rachel: Okay, but Monica, what if- what if it doesn't come together? 

Monica: ...Pheebs? 

Phoebe: Oh, well... 'cause.... you just... I don't like this question. 

Rachel: Okay, see, see, you guys, what if we don't get magic beans? I mean, what if all we've got are.. beans? 

[Scene: Madison Square Garden, the guys are watching the game.]

Ross: Get him! GET HIM! Get him! Get- YESSS! Not laughing now, are ya pal! 

Chandler: (to Ross) See buddy, that's all you need, a bunch of toothless guys hitting each other with sticks. 

Ross: Pass it! Pass it! 

Chandler: He's open! 

All: Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! 

(The player shoots and the puck flies off the rink and hits Ross in the face.  Chandler looks concered until he notices...) 

Chandler: Hey, look, we're on that TV thing! 

(Chandler and Joey hold the puck and wave at the TV thing.) 

Commercial Break

[Scene: An Emergency Room, Chandler and Joey are leading Ross in.]

Chandler: (to the receptionist)'Scuse me. 

Receptionist: (holds up her hand梥he is on the phone) It says to call this number if you're not completely satisfied with this candy bar. Well, I'm not completely satisfied. 

Chandler: Listen, it's kind of an emergency. Well, I guess you know that, or we'd be in the predicament room. (The receptionist glares at him.) 

Receptionist: (on phone) Hold on. (To Chandler) Fill these out, sit over there. (Tosses him some forms.) 

Ross: (jumping to his feet) Look, I don't wanna make any trouble, okay, but I'm in a lot of pain here, alright? My face is dented. 

Receptionist: Well, you'll have to wait your turn. 

Joey: Well, how long do you think it'll be? 

Receptionist: (sarcastic) Any minute now. 

Ross: Hey, this- (she gives him a look and the guys back off) Heyy... 

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the slumber party continues.]

Rachel: I'm so sorry, you guys. I didn't mean to bring you down. 

Monica: No, you were right. I don't have a plan. (There's a knock on the door.) 

Pizza Guy: (yelling from outside) Pizza guy! 

Rachel: Thank God. Food. (She goes to answer the door.) 

Monica: Phoebe? 

Phoebe: What? 

Monica: Do you have a plan? 

Phoebe: I don't even have a 'pl'. 

Pizza Guy: Hi, one, uh, mushroom, green pepper and onion? 

Rachel: (miserably) No, no, that's not what we ordered... We ordered a fat-free crust with extra cheese. 

Pizza Guy: Wait, you're not 'G.Stephanopoulos?' Man, my dad's gonna kill me! 

Monica: (leaping off of the couch and runs up) Wait! Did you say 'G.Stephanopoulos?' 

Pizza Guy: Yeah. This one goes across the street, I must have given him yours. Oh, bonehead, bonehead! 

Monica: Wait, was this a-a small mediterranean guy with curiously intelligent good looks? 

Pizza Guy: Yeah, that sounds about right. 

Monica: Was he wearing a stunning blue suit? 

Phoebe: And-and a power tie? 

Pizza Guy: No, pretty much just a towel. 

Monica: (staggered) Oh God. 

Pizza Guy: So you guys want me to take this back? 

Monica: Are you nuts?! We've got George Stephanopoulos' pizza! (Rachel pays him, Monica grabs some binoculars, and runs to the window.) 

Rachel: Uh, Pheebs? Who's George Snuffalopagus? 

Phoebe: Big Bird's friend. 

Monica: I see pizza! 

Phoebe: Oh, I wanna see! Lemme see! Lemme see! (She runs up and takes the binoculars.) 

Rachel: Hello? Who are we spying on? 

Monica: White House adviser? Clinton's campaign guy? The one with the great hair, sexy smile, really cute butt? 

Rachel: Oh, him, the little guy? Oh, I love him! 

Phoebe: Ooh, wait.. wait, I see a woman. 

Monica: Please tell me it's his mother. 

Phoebe: Definitely not his mother. 

Monica: Oh, no... 

Phoebe: Oh, wait, she's walking across the floor.. she's walking.. she's walking.. she's going for the pizza- (Yelling) Hey, that's not for you, bitch! (Phoebe covers her mouth with her hand walks away from the window.) 

[Scene: The Emergency Room, Joey is miming hockey pucks kitting foreheads.  Chandler realises it's getting tense and goes to the receptionist again.]

Chandler: Excuse me, look, we've been here for over an hour, and a lot of people less sick than my friend have gone in. I mean, that guy with the toe thing? Who's he sleeping with? (She slides the gladd panel over and Chandler talks through it in a loud voice.) Oh, c'mon Dora, don't be mad... I know we both said some things we didn't mean, but that doesn't mean we still don't love each other. (To the waiting room.) Y'know, I feel like I've lost her.. (She slides the panel back, he turns, and it takes him by surprise.) Ba-! 

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are all out on the balcony.]

Monica: Light still out? 

Rachel: Yeah. 

Monica: Oh. Maybe they're- napping. 

Rachel: Oh please, they're having sex. 

Monica and Phoebe: Shut up! 

Rachel: So, whaddya think George is like? 

Monica: I think he's shy. 

Phoebe: Yeah? 

Monica: Yeah. I think you have to draw him out. And then- when you do- he's a preppy animal. 

[Scene: The Emergency Room, Ross is still going on about his first night with Carol.]

Ross: I remember the moonlight coming through the window- and her face had the most incredible glow. 

Chandler: Yes, the moon, the glow, the magical feeling, you did this part- Could I get some painkillers over here, please? 

Joey: He's right, enough, already. What is the big deal about today? So you slept with her for the first time, so what? You slept with her for seven years after that. 

Ross: Look, it's just a little more complicated... 

Chandler: Well, what? What? What is it? That she left you? That she likes women? That she left you for another woman that likes women? 

Ross: Little louder, okay, I think there's a man on the twelfth floor in a coma that didn't quite hear you... 

Chandler: Then what? 

Ross: My first time with Carol was... (He mumbles the last part) 

Joey: What? 

Ross: It was my first time. 

Joey: With Carol? (Ross gives him a look.) Oh. 

Chandler: So in your whole life, you've only been with one?He gets a look too)梠h. 

Joey: Whoah, boy, hockey was a big mistake! There was a whole bunch of stuff we could've done tonight! 

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are still out on the balcony.]

Monica: Okay. Okay, I got one. Do you remember that vegetarian pate that I made that you loved so much? 

Phoebe: Uh-huh. 

Monica: Well, unless goose is a vegetable...ha haaaah! 

Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh! Okay, fine, fine. Now I don't feel so bad about sleeping with Jason Hurley. 

Monica: What?! You slept with Jason? 

Phoebe: You'd already broken up. 

Rachel: How long? 

Phoebe: A couple hours. 

Monica: Oh, that's nice! 

Rachel: Okay, okay, okay, I got one! (She sits up and the cushion she was leaning against falls off of the balcony.) Anyway- The valentine Tommy Rollerson left in your locker was really from me. 

Monica: Excuse me?! 

Rachel: Hello? Like he was really gonna send you one? (To Phoebe) She was a big girl. 

Monica: Really. Well, at least 'big girls' don't pee in their pants in seventh grade! 

Rachel: I was laughing! You made me laugh! (Monica and Rachel start to squabble) 

Phoebe: There he is! There he is! 

Monica: Where? 

Phoebe: Right- where we've been looking all night! 

Rachel: He is so cute! 

Monica: Oh, George, baby, drop the towel! 

All: Yeah, drop it! Drop the towel! Please drop the?pause)梬owww. 

[Scene: The Emergency Room, Ross is absent.]

Joey: Man. Can you believe he's only had sex with one woman? 

Chandler: I think it's great. Y'know, it's sweet, it's romantic... 

Joey: Really? 

Chandler: No, you kidding? The guy's a freak.. (Ross enters off camera) 

Both: Hey, buddy. 

Ross: Hi. (He is wearing a piece of steel bandaged to his nose.  He tosses some forms onto reception desk.) 

Receptionist: (sarcastic) Oh, that's attractive. 

Chandler: Oh, I thought you were great in Silence of the Lambs. Oh come on, admit it! All things considered, you had fun tonight. 

Ross: Fun? Where was the fun? Tell me specifically, which part was the fun part? Where's my puck? 

Joey: Oh, ah- the kid has it. 

Ross: The kid...? (To the kid) Excuse me, uh, that's, that's my puck. 

Kid: I found it. Finders keepers, losers weepers. (Ross looks at Chandler for help.) 

Chandler: You gotta do it, man. 

Ross: (to the kid) Oh yeah? Well, I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever?to Chandler)梒an't do it. (to the kid) Listen, uh- gimme back my puck. 

Kid: No. 

Ross: 'Yes', how about. C'mere. Gimme! 

Kid: No! No! (They start to fight over it.) 

Receptionist: Hey! Hey! No rough holding in my ER! 

Ross: (tries to snatch it from the kid) GIVE ME MY PUCK!! (but it files out of his grasp and knocks out the receptionist) 

Ross: ...Now that was fun. 

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey and the girls are playing twister.]

Ross: (Doing the spinning) Okay, Monica: Right foot red. 

Monica: Could've played Monopoly, but nooooo. 

(There's a knock on the door, Chandler opens it, and silently hands back the cushion.) 

Chandler: Thanks. (The guy nods and leaves) 

Ross: Okay, Pheebs: Right hand blue. (Phoebe has to bend over.)Good. (Joey stares at her butt appreciatively) 

(The phone rings and Chandler answers it.) 

Chandler: Hello? Oh, uh, Rachel, it's the Visa card people. 

Rachel: Oh, okay. Will you take my place? 

Chandler: Alright. (on phone) Yes, this is Rachel. 

Rachel: Nooo! (She grabs the phone and Chandler takes her place on the mat.) (On phone) Hello? (Listens) Oh, yeah, no, I know, I-I haven't been using it much. (Listens) Oh, well, thanks, but, I'm okay, really. 

Ross: Green. To the green. 

Rachel: (on phone) I've got magic beans. (Listens) Never-never mind. 

Chandler: To the left, to the left- aww! (They all collapse) 

Rachel: (on phone) Ohhh... I'm fine.

End


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The One With the East German Laundry Detergent

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Written by: Jeff Greenstein & Jeff Strauss
Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips
With Minor Adjustments by: Dan Silverstein


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Scene: Central Perk, all six are there.]

Monica: Would you let it go? It's not that big a deal.

Ross: Not that big a deal? It's amazing. Ok, you just reach in there, there's one little maneuver, and bam, a bra right out the sleeve. All right, as far as I'm concerned, there is nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right?

Rachel: Come on! You guys can pee standing up.

Chandler: We can? All right, I'm tryin' that.

Joey: Ok, you know what blows my mind? Women can see breasts any time they want. You just look down and there they are. How you get any work done is beyond me.

Phoebe: Oh, ok, you know what I don't get? The way guys can do so many mean things, and then not even care.

(Long pause.)

Ross: Multiple orgasms!

Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, all are there.]

Chandler: So, Saturday night, the big night, date night, Saturday night, Sat-ur-day night!

Joey: No plans, huh?

Chandler: Not a one.

Ross: Not even, say, breaking up with Janice?

Chandler: Oh, right, right, shut up.

Monica: Chandler, nobody likes breaking up with someone. You just gotta do it.

Chandler: No, I know, but it's just so hard, you know? I mean, you're sitting there with her, she has no idea what's happening, and then you finally get up the courage to do it, and there's the horrible awkward moment when you've handed her the note.

Joey: Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man, just stop calling. 

Phoebe: You know, if you want, I'll do it with you.

Chandler: Oh, thanks, but I think she'd feel like we're gangin' up on her. 

Phoebe: No, I mean you break up with Janice and I'll break up with Tony. 

Ross: Tony?

Monica: Oh, you're breaking up with Tony?

Phoebe: Yeah, I know, he's sweet, but it's just not fun anymore, you know? I don't know if it's me, or his hunger strike, or, I don't know.

Rachel: (waitressing) Does anybody want anything else?

Ross: Oh, yeah, last week you had a wonderful, nutty, chocolatey kind of a cakey pie thing. (Rachel gives him a dirty look) Nothing, just, just, I'm fine.

Phoebe: (to Rachel) What's the matter? Why so scrunchy?

Rachel: It's my father. He wants to give me a Mercedes convertible.

Ross: That guy, he burns me up.

Rachel: Yeah, well, it's a Mercedes if I move back home. Oh, it was horrible. He called me young lady.

Chandler: Ooh, I hate when my father calls me that.

Monica: Did he give you that whole "You're-not-up-to-this" thing again?

Rachel: Oh, yeah, yeah. Actually, I got the extended disco version, with three choruses of "You'll never make it on your own".

Phoebe: (rhythmically) Uh-huh, uh-huh.

(Angela, a beautiful woman in a tight dress, enters.)

Angela: Hi, Joey.

Joey: My god, Angela.

(Angela takes a seat at the counter.)

Monica: Wow, being dumped by you obviously agrees with her.

Phoebe: Are you gonna go over there?

Joey: No, yeah, no, ok, but not yet. I don't wanna seem too eager. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi. That seems pretty cool. (he walks over to her) Hey, Angela. 

Angela: (casually) Joey.

Joey: You look good.

Angela: That's because I'm wearing a dress that accents my boobs.

Joey: You don't say.

(Cut to Ross and Rachel, talking next to one of the tables.)

Ross: So, uh, Rachel, what are you, uh, what're you doing tonight?

Rachel: Oh, big glamour night. Me and Monica at Laundorama.

Ross: Oh, you uh, you wanna hear a freaky coincidence? Guess who's doing laundry there too?

Rachel: Who?

Ross: Me. Was that not clear? Hey, why don't, um, why don't I just join you both, here?

Rachel: Don't you have a laundry room in your building?

Ross: Yes, I do have a laundry room in my building, um, but there's a.... rat problem. Apparently they're attracted to the dryer sheets, and they're goin' in fine, but they're comin' out all.... fluffy. Anyway, say, sevenish?

Rachel: Sure.

(Cut back to Joey and Angela at the counter.)

Angela: Forget it Joey. I'm with Bob now.

Joey: Bob? Who the hell's Bob?

Angela: Bob is great. He's smart, he's sophisticated, and he has a real job. You, you go on three auditions a month and you call yourself an actor, but Bob...

Joey: Come on, we were great together. And not just at the fun stuff, but like, talking too.

Angela: Yeah, well, sorry, Joe. You said let's just be friends, so guess what?

Joey: What?

Angela: We're just friends.

Joey: Fine, fine, so, why don't the four of us go out and have dinner together tonight? You know, as friends?

Angela: What four of us?

Joey: You know, you and Bob, and me and my girlfriend, uh, uh, Monica.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment, Joey is there, trying to convince Monica to pose as his girlfriend. His plan is to hook Monica up with Angela's boyfriend Bob and then take Angela back for himself.]

Joey: Monica, I'm tellin' you, this guy is perfect for you.

Monica: Forget it. Not after your cousin who could belch the alphabet.

Joey: Come on. This guy's great. His name's Bob. He's Angela's... brother. He's smart, he's sophisticated, and he has a real job. Me, I go on three auditions a month and call myself an actor, but Bob is...

Monica: (looking out window) Oh, god help us.

Joey: What?

Monica: Ugly Naked Guy's laying kitchen tile. Eww!

Joey: Eww! Look, I'm asking a favor here. If I do this for her brother, maybe Angela will come back to me.

Monica: What's going on here? You go out with tons of girls.

Joey: (proud) I know, but, I made a huge mistake. I never should have broken up with her. Will you help me? Please?

[Scene: Ross' apartment, Chandler is over.]

Ross: (on phone) Ok, bye. (hangs up) Well, Monica's not coming, it's just gonna be me and Rachel.

Chandler: Oh. Well, hold on camper, are you sure you've thought this thing through?

Ross: It's laundry. The thinking through is minimal.

Chandler: It's just you and Rachel, just the two of you? This is a date. You're going on a date.

Ross: Nuh-uh.

Chandler: Yuh-huh.

Ross: So what're you saying here? I should shave again, pick up some wine, what?

Chandler: Well, you may wanna rethink the dirty underwear. This is basically the first time she's gonna see your underwear梱ou want it to be dirty?

Ross: (sheepish) No.

Chandler: Oh, and uh, the fabric softener?

Ross: Ok, ok, now what is wrong with my Snuggles? What, it says I'm a sensitive, warm kinda guy, you know, like a warm, fuzzy bear. Ok, I can pick something else up on the way.

Chandler: There you go.

[Scene: A fancy restaurant, Joey and Monica are there, meeting Angela and Bob, who Monica thinks is Angela's brother.]

Monica: Thank you. So what does this Bob guy look like? Is he tall? Short?

Joey: Yep.

Monica: Which?

Joey: Which what?

Monica: You've never met Bob, have you?

Joey: No, but he's...

Monica: Oh my god, Joey, for all we know this guy could be horribly...

(Angela and Bob walk in. Bob is good-looking.)

Angela: Hey, Joey.

Monica: ...horribly attractive. I'll be shutting up now.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Phoebe are there, both ready to break up with their significant others.]

Chandler: Where are they? Where are they?

Phoebe: This is nice. We never do anything just the two of us.

Chandler: It's great. Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car and run over some puppies.

Phoebe: Eww, I don't wanna do that.

(Janice and Phoebe's boyfriend, Tony, walk in.)

Chandler: Here we go.

Phoebe: Ok, have a good break-up.

Chandler: Hey, Janice.

Janice: Oh, my god, I am so glad you called me. I had the most supremely awful day.

Chandler: Hey, that's not good. Can I get an espresso and a latte over here, please?

Janice: We got the proofs back from that photo shoot, you know, the one with the little vegetables. Anyway, they pretty much sucked, so, I blew off the rest of the day, and I went shopping...(looks through her bags)... and I got you, I'm looking, I'm looking, I'm looking, I got you...

(Chandler sees Phoebe breaking up with Tony. She talks to him for a few seconds, hugs him, and then he leaves. Chandler is amazed how easy it was for her.)

Chandler: What?

Janice: What?

Chandler: (covering) What... did you get me there? 

Janice: I got you...these. (pulls out a pair of socks)

Chandler: Bullwinkle socks. That's so sweet.

Janice: Well, I knew you had the Rockys, and so I figured, you know, you can wear Bullwinkle and Bullwinkle, or you can wear Rocky and Rocky,or, you can mix and match, moose and squirrel. Whatever you want.

Chandler: That's great. 

(The drinks arrive, and Chandler downs his espresso in one gulp.)

Chandler: Well, I'm gonna get another espresso. Can I get you another latte?

Janice: (holding the full cup) No, no, I'm still working on mine.

(Chandler walks over to the counter where Phoebe is, and is asking her about the break-up.)

Chandler: That's it?

Phoebe: Yeah, it was really hard.

Chandler: Oh, yeah, that hug looked pretty brutal.

Phoebe: Ok, you weren't there.

[Scene: The Launderama, Rachel is there, waiting for Ross. An old woman takes Rachel's clothes off the machine and begins loading it with her things.]

Woman: Comin' through. Move, move.

Rachel: Oh, 'scuse me. I was kinda using that machine.

Woman: Yeah, well, now you're kinda not.

Rachel: But I saved it. I put my basket on top.

Woman: Oh, I'm sorry, is that your basket? It's really pretty. Unfortunately, I don't see suds.

Rachel: What?

Woman: No suds, no save. Ok?

(Ross arrives.)

Ross: What's goin' on?

Rachel: Hi, uh, nothing. That horrible woman just took my machine.

Ross: Was your basket on top?

Rachel: Yeah, but, there were no suds.

Ross: So?

Rachel: Well, you know, no suds, no save.

Ross: No suds? Excuse me, hold on a second. (to woman) That's my friend's machine.

Woman: Hey, hey, hey, her stuff wasn't in it.

Ross: Hey, hey, hey, that's not the rule and you know it. 

(The woman and Ross stare at each other. Finally she takes her stuff out of the machine and leaves.)

Ross: (to the crowd in the laundromat) All right, show's over. Nothing to see here. (to Rachel) Ok, let's do laundry.

Rachel: That was amazing. I can't even send back soup.

Ross: Well, that's because you're such a sweet, gentle, uh...Do you, uh, do you...Oh, hey, uh you must need detergent.

(Ross pulls out a huge box of laundry detergent.)

Rachel: What's that?

Ross: Uberveiss. It's new, it's German, it's extra-tough.

(Rachel starts to load her clothes.)

Ross: Rach, do you uh, are you gonna separate those?

Rachel: Oh god. Oh, am I being like a total laundry spaz? I mean, am I supposed to use like one machine for shirts and another machine for pants? 

Ross: Rach, have you never done this before?

Rachel: Well, not myself, but I know other people that have. Ok, you caught me. I'm a laundry virgin.

Ross: Uh, well, don't worry, I'll use the gentle cycle. Ok, um, basically you wanna use one machine for all your whites, a whole nother machine for colors, and a third for your uh, your uh, delicates, and that would be your bras and your under-panty things.

Rachel: (holds a pair of panties in front of Ross) Ok, Well, what about these are white cotton panties. Would they go with whites or delicates?

Ross: (visibly nervous) Uh, that, that, that would be a judgment call.

[Scene: Fancy restaurant, Monica, Joey, Angela, and Bob are seated at the table.]

Monica: (to Joey) He is so cute. (to Angela and Bob) So, where did you guys grow up?

Angela: Brooklyn Heights.

Bob: Cleveland.

Monica: How, how did that happen?

Joey: Oh my god.

Monica: What?

Joey: I suddenly had the feeling that I was falling. But I'm not.

Commercial Break
[Scene: Fancy restaurant, Joey and Bob are talking.]

Joey: So, you and Angela, huh?

Bob: Yep. Pretty much.

Joey: You're a lucky man. You know what I miss the most about her? That cute nibbly noise when she eats. Like a happy little squirrel, or a weasel.

Bob: Huh, I never really noticed.

Joey: Oh, yeah, yeah, listen for it.

Bob: Monica, Monica is great.

Joey: Yeah, but it's not gonna last. She's too much for me in bed. Sexually.

[Scene: The ladies' bathroom at the restaurant, Monica and Angela are talking.]

Monica: I've gotta tell you, Bob is terrific.

Angela: Yeah, isn't he?

Monica: It is so great to meet a guy who is smart and funny, and has an emotional age beyond, like eight.

Angela: You know what else? He's unbelievable in bed.

Monica: Wow. My brother never even told me when he lost his virginity.

Angela: Huh. That's nice.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is coaching Chandler on how to break up with Janice.]

Phoebe: Ok, you can do this. It's just like pulling off a Band-aid. Just do it really fast, and then the wound is exposed.

(Chandler walks back to couch, where Janice is.)

Chandler: Janice. Hi, Janice. Ok, here we go. I don't think we should go out anymore. Janice.

Janice: All right. Well, there you go. (she gets extremely wound up, and begins to try and calm herself down) Stop it, stop it, stop it.

[Scene: The laundromat.]

Rachel: Ok, I know this is gonna sound really stupid, but I feel that if I can do this, you know, if I can actually do my own laundry, there isn't anything I can't do.

Ross: That does not sound stupid to me. You know, it's like the first time I had to make dinner for myself, after Carol left me? (the buzzer on the washer goes off) I'm sorry, that's all the time we have. Next on Ross...(opens up the washer) Uh-oh.

Rachel: What uh-oh?

Ross: (not wanting to tell her) Uh-oh, uh-oh, the laundry's done. It's, uh, it's a song. The laundry song that we sing. (singing) Uh-oh the laundry's done, uh-oh, uh-oh.

Rachel: Ross, what's the matter?

Ross: Nothing, nothing. Lee-lo, the laundry's done.

Rachel: Come on, show me.

Ross: All right, all right, it's just that you left a red sock in with all your whites, and now, everything's kinda pink.

Rachel: Oh, everything's pink.

Ross: Yeah, uh, except for the red sock, which is still red. I'm sorry, please don't be upset, it could happen to anyone.

Rachel: Except it didn't. It happened to me. Oh, god, I'm gonna look like a big marshmallow peep. What am I doing? What am I doing? My father's right. I can't live on my own! I can't even do laundry!

(The woman who had tried to steal the washing machine walks by, and laughs.)

[Scene: The fancy restaurant, Angela has her hand in Bob's shirt, and Monica is very uncomfortable.]

Monica: Something went wrong with Underdog, and they couldn't get his head to inflate. So anyway, um, his head is like flopping down Broadway, right, and I'm just thinking... how inappropriate this is. Um, I've got something in my eye, uh, Joey, could we check it in the light, please? 

(Her and Joey walk away from the table.)

Monica: Oh my god.

Joey: What?

Monica: Hello! Were we at the same table? It's like... cocktails in Appalachia.

Joey: Come on, they're close.

Monica: Close? She's got her tongue in his ear.

Joey: Oh, like you've never gotten a little rambunctious with Ross.

Monica: Joey, this is sick, it's disgusting, it's, it's梟ot really true, is it?

Joey: Well, who's to say what's true? I mean...

Monica: Oh my god, what were you thinking?

Joey: All right, look, I'm not proud of this, ok? Well, maybe I am a little.

Monica: (hits him lightly) Oh! 

Joey: Ow!

Monica: (leaving) I'm outta here.

Joey: Wait, wait, wait. You want him, I want her. He likes you.

Monica: Really?

Joey: Yeah. I'm thinking, if we put our heads together, between the two of us, we can break them up.

[Time lapse, Monica accidentally spilled her drink on Bob's shirt and is wiping it off. Joey is making eyes at Angela.]

Monica: I'm so sorry, I can't believe I did this, but I couldn't stop laughing at your Norman Mailer story.

(Angela is eating chicken wings and making the weasel-like noise Joey had told Bob about.)

Joey: Uh, waiter, one more plate of chicken wings over here.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is still trying to ease things over with Janice, and there are about a dozen empty Espresso cups in front of him. He is extremely wired.]

Chandler: Here's the thing, Janice. You know, I mean, it's like we're different. I'm like the bing, bing, bing. You're like the boom, boom, (Chandler flails his hand out and hits Janice in the eye)... boom.

Janice: Ow!

Chandler: Oh, my god, I'm so sorry. Are you ok?

Janice: Ow. Um, it's just my lens. It's just my lens. I'll be right back.

(She leaves.) 

Chandler: (to Phoebe) I hit her in the eye! I hit her in the eye! This is the worst break-up in the history of the world. 

Phoebe: Oh my god. (Chandler downs another espresso.) How many of those have you had?

Chandler: Oh, I don't know, a million?

Phoebe: Chandler, easy, easy. Go to your happy place. La la la la la la la.

Chandler: I'm fine.

Phoebe: All right. 

(Janice returns from the bathroom.)

Chandler: I'm not fine. Here she comes.

Phoebe: Wait here. Breathe.

(Phoebe goes over to speak to Janice. She talks to her for a few seconds, and then Janice immediately smiles, hugs her, waves to Chandler, and leaves.)

Chandler: How do you do that?

Phoebe: It's like a gift.

Chandler: We should always always break up together.

Phoebe: Oh, I'd like that.

[Scene: The Launderama. Rachel is sorting her now-pink clothes.]

Ross: You got the clothes clean. Now that's the important part.

Rachel: Oh, I guess. Except everything looks like jammies now.

(The same woman walks over and takes Rachel's laundry cart.)

Rachel: Whoa, I'm sorry. Excuse me. We had this cart.

Woman: Yeah, well, I had a 24-inch waist. You lose things. Now come on, get outta my way.

(Rachel looks at Ross, who motions to her to get the cart back.)

Rachel: I'm sorry, you know, maybe I wasn't being clear. Uh, this is our cart.

Woman: Hey, hey, hey there aren't any clothes in it.

Rachel: Hey, hey, hey, hey, quit making up rules!

Woman: Let go!

(They struggle for the cart. Finally, Rachel climbs inside of it.)

Rachel: All right, listen, missy. If you want this cart, you're gonna have to take me with it! 

(She thinks it over, and then walks away.)

Rachel: (to Ross) Yes! Did you see that?

Ross: You were incredible! Brand new woman, ladies and gentlemen.

Rachel: I could not have done this without you.

(Rachel stands up and kisses Ross. He is stunned. A moment of silence follows.)

Ross: Ok, um, uh, more clothes in the dryer? (Ross turns and bangs his head on an open dryer door.) I'm fine, I'm fine.

Rachel: Are you sure?

Ross: No.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there. Ross has an icepack to his head.]

Rachel: Oh, are you sure you're ok?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Does it still hurt?

Ross: Yeah.

Phoebe: (seeing Rachel's clothes) What a neat idea. All your clothes match. I'm gonna do this.

(Monica and Joey enter.)

Monica: Hi.

Phoebe: Hey, how'd it go?

Joey: Excellent.

Monica: We ripped that couple apart, and kept the pieces for ourselves.

Ross: What a beautiful story. Hey, I'm fine by the way.

Monica: (notices his head) Oh, I'm sorry.

Rachel: Where's Chandler?

Phoebe: Oh, he needed some time to grieve.

(Chandler runs by the window outside, joyous.)

Chandler: I'm free! I'm free!

Phoebe: That oughta do it.

End


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The One With the Butt

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Written by: Adam Chase & Ira Ungerleider
Transcribed by: guineapig


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Scene: A Theater, the gang is in the audience wating for a play of Joey's to start.]

Rachel: (reading the program) Ooh! Look! Look! Look! Look, there's Joey's picture! This is so exciting!

Chandler: You can always spot someone who's never seen one of his plays before. Notice, no fear, no sense of impending doom...

Phoebe: The exclamation point in the title scares me. (Gesturing) Y'know, it's not just Freud, it's Freud!

(The lights dim.)

Ross: Oh, shhh, shh. Magic is about to happen.

(The lights go up on the stage, Joey, as Freud, is talking to a female patient.)

Joey: Vell, Eva, ve've done some excellent vork here, and I vould have to say, your pwoblem is qviiite clear. (He goes into a song and dance number.) 

All you want is a dingle,
What you envy's a schwang,
A thing through which you can tinkle,
Or play with, or simply let hang...

Opening Credits

[Scene: The Theater, the play has ended and everyone is applauding.  As soon as the cast leaves, the gang all groan and sit down heavily.]

Rachel: God. I feel violated.

Monica: Did anybody else feel they just wanted to peel the skin off their body, to have something else to do?

Chandler: (staring at a woman across the room) Ross, ten o'clock.

Ross: Is it? Feels like two.

Chandler: No, ten o'clock.

Ross: What?

Chandler: (sighs and gestures to explain) There's a beautiful woman at eight, nine, ten o'clock!

Ross: Oh. Hel-lo!

Chandler: She's amazing! She makes the women that I dream about look like short, fat, bald men!

Monica: Well, go over to her! She's not with anyone.

Chandler: Oh yeah, and what would my opening line be? 'Excuse me. Blarrglarrghh.'

Rachel: Oh, c'mon. She's a person, you can do it!

Chandler: Oh please, could she be more out of my league? Ross, back me up here.

Ross: He could never get a woman like that in a million years.

Chandler: Thank you, buddy.

Phoebe: Oh, oh, but y'know, you always see these really beautiful women with these really nothing guys, you could be one of those guys.

Monica: You could do that!

Chandler: Y'think?

All: Yeah!

Chandler: Oh God, I can't believe I'm even considering this... I'm very very aware of my tongue...

Ross: C'mon! C'mon!

Chandler: Here goes. (He walks over to her but just stands there.)

Aurora: ...Yes?

Chandler: Hi.... um... okay, next word... would be... Chandler! Chandler is my name, and, uh...(He clears his throat noisily)...hi.

Aurora: Yes, you said that.

Chandler: Yes, yes I did, but what I didn't say was what I was about to say, what I wanted to say was, uh... would you like to go out with me sometime, thankyou, goodnight. (He walks back to the others but she calls him back.) 

Aurora: Chandler?

(Joey enters from behind a curtain.  The others all talk at once.)

All: Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you could dance! You had a beard!

Joey: Whadja think?

(Pause)

All: ...Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you could dance! You had a beard!

Joey: C'mon, you guys, it wasn't that bad. It was better than that thing I did with the trolls, at least you got to see my head.

All: (admitting) Saw your head. Saw your head.

Chandler: (running back) She said yes!! She said yes!! (To Joey) Awful play, man. Whoah. (To All) Her name's Aurora, and she's Italian, and she pronounces my name 'Chand-lrr'. 'Chand-lrr'. I think I like it better that way. (To Joey) Oh, listen, the usher gave me this to give to you. (He fishes a card out of his pocket.)

Rachel: What is it?

Joey: The Estelle Leonard Talent Agency. Wow, an agency left me its card! Maybe they wanna sign me!

Phoebe: Based on this play? ...Based on this play!

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone else is there as Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hey, kids. 

All: Hey.

Phoebe: (reading Monica's palm) No, 'cause this line is passion, and this is... just a line.

Chandler: Well, I can't believe I've been here almost seven seconds and you haven't asked me how my date went.

Monica: Oh, right, right. How was your date, 'Chand-lrr'?

Chandler: It was unbelievable. I-I've never met anyone like her. She's had the most amazing life! She was in the Israeli army...

(A flashback of Aurora and Chandler on their date in Central Perk is denoted by italics.)

Aurora: ...Luckily none of the bullets hit the engine block. So, we made it to the border, but just barely, and I- ...I've been talking about myself all night long, I'm sorry. What about you? Tell me one of your stories.

Chandler: Alright. Once I got on the subway, right, and it was at night, and I rode it all the way to Brooklyn... just for the hell of it.

Chandler: We talked 'til like two. It was this perfect evening... more or less.

Aurora: ...All of a sudden we realised we were in Yammon. 

Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, so 'we' is?

Aurora: 'We' would be me and Rick.

Joey: Who's Rick?

Chandler: Who's Rick?

Aurora: My husband.

All: Ooooohhh.

Chandler: Oh, so you're divorced?

Aurora: No.

Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, then you're widowed?...Hopefully?

Aurora: No, I'm still married.

Chandler: So tell me, how do- how do you think your husband would feel about you sitting here with me?...Sliding your foot so far up my pant leg you can count the change in my pocket?

Aurora: Don't worry. I imagine he'd be okay with you because really, he's okay with Ethan.

Chandler: Ethan? There's, there's an Ethan?

Aurora: Mmmm... Ethan is my... boyfriend.

All: What?!

Chandler: So explain something to me here, uh, what kind of a relationship do you imagine us having if you already have a husband and a boyfriend?

Aurora: I suppose mainly sexual.

Chandler: ...Hm.

Monica: Oh. I'm sorry it didn't work out.

Chandler: What 'not work out'? I'm seeing her again on Thursday. Didn't you listen to the story?

Monica: Didn't you listen to the story? I mean, this is twisted! How could you get involved with a woman like this?

Chandler: Well, y'know, I had some trouble with it at first too, but the way I look at it is, I get all the good stuff: all the fun, all the talking, all the sex; and none of the responsibility. I mean, this is every guy's fantasy!

Phoebe: Oh, yeah. That is not true. Ross, is this your fantasy?

Ross: No, of course not! (Thinks) ...Yeah, yeah, it is.

Monica: What? So you guys don't mind going out with someone else who's going out with someone else?

Joey: I couldn't do it.

Monica: Good for you, Joey.

Joey: When I'm with a woman, I need to know that I'm going out with more people than she is.

Ross: Well, y'know, monogamy can be a, uh, tricky concept. I mean, anthropologically speaking-

(They all pretend to fall asleep.)

Ross: Fine. Fine, alright, now you'll never know.

Monica: We're kidding. C'mon, tell us!

All: Yeah! C'mon!

Ross: Alright. There's a theory, put forth by Richard Leakey-

(They all fall asleep again.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is there as enter except Joey enter.]

Rachel: Tah-daaah!

Chandler: Are we greeting each other this way now? 'Cause I like that.

Rachel: Look! I cleaned! I did the windows, I did the floors... I even used all the attachments on the vacuum, except that little round one with the bristles, I don't know what that's for.

Ross: Oh yeah, nobody knows. And we're not supposed to ask.

Rachel: Well, whaddya think?

All: Very clean! It looks great! Terrific!

Monica: ...Oh! I-I see you moved the green ottoman.

All: Uh-oh...

Monica: How-how did that happen?

Rachel: I dunno.. I-I thought it looked better there. And I- and also, it's an extra seat around the coffee table.

Monica: Yeah, yeah, it's interesting.. but y'know what? Just for fun, let's see what it looked like in the old spot. (She moves it.) Alright, just to compare. Let's see. Well, it looks good there too. Let's just leave it there for a while.

Phoebe: (to Rachel) I can't believe you tried to move the green ottoman.

Chandler: Thank God you didn't try to fan out the magazines. I mean, she'll scratch your eyes right out.

Monica: You guys, I am not that bad!

Phoebe: Yeah, you are, Monica. Remember when I lived with you? You were like, a little, y'know, (psycho) Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree!

Monica: That is so unfair!

Ross: Oh c'mon! When we were kids, yours was the only Raggedy Ann doll that wasn't raggedy!

Monica: Okay, so I'm responsible, I'm organised. But hey, I can be a kook.

Ross: Alright, you madcap gal. Try to imagine this. The phone bill arrives, but you don't pay it right away.

Monica: Why not?

Ross: Because you're a kook! Instead you wait until they send you a notice.

Monica: I could do that.

Rachel: Okay, uh, you let me go grocery shopping, and I buy laundry detergent, but it's not the one with the easy-pour spout.

Monica: Why would someone do that?! ...One might wonder.

Chandler: Someone's left a glass on the coffee table. There's no coaster. It's a cold drink, it's a hot day. Little beads of condensation are inching their way closer and closer to the surface of the wood...

Monica: STOP IT!! ...Oh my God. It's true! Who am I?

Ross: Monica? You're Mom.

(Monica gasps.)

Phoebe: Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree!

(Joey enters and he's on the phone.)

Joey: (on phone) Uh huh.. uh huh... oh my God! Okay! Okay, I'll be there! (He hangs up and to all.) That was my agent. (He tosses and catches the phone.) My agent has just gotten me a job...in the new Al Pacino movie!

All: Oh my God! Whoah!

Monica: Well, what's the part?

Joey: Can you believe this? Al Pacino! This guy's the reason I became an actor! "I'm out of order? Pfeeeh. You're out of order! This whole courtroom's out of order!"

Phoebe: Seriously, what-what's the part?

Joey: "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!"

Ross: C'mon, seriously, Joey, what's the part?

Joey: ...I'm his (mumbles)

Rachel: ..You're, you're 'mah mah mah' what?

Joey: ...I'm his butt double. 'Kay? I play Al Pacino's butt. Alright? He goes into the shower, and then- I'm his butt.

Monica: (trying not to laugh) Oh my God.

Joey: C'mon, you guys. This is a real movie, and Al Pacino's in it, and that's big!

Chandler: Oh no, it's terrific, it's... it's... y'know, you deserve this, after all your years of struggling, you've finally been able to crack your way into showbusiness.

Joey: Okay, okay, fine! Make jokes, I don't care! This is a big break for me!

Ross: You're right, you're right, it is...So you gonna invite us all to the big opening?

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Monica is getting the door.]

Monica: Alright, alright, alright... 

(Joey enters with Monica's paper and hands it to her.)

Joey: Here. I need to borrow some moisturizer.

Monica: For what?

Joey: Whaddya think? Today's the big day!

Monica: Oh my God. Okay, go into the bathroom, use whatever you want, just don't ever tell me what you did in there.

Joey: Thank you! (He goes into the bathroom.)

(Chandler enters with the phone.)

Chandler: Where's Joey? His mom's on the phone.

Monica: He's in the bathroom. I don't think you wanna go in there!

Chandler: C'mon, we're roommates! (He goes into the bathroom, screams, and runs back out.) My eyes!! My eyes!!

Monica: I warned you...

(Rachel enters from her room.)

Rachel: Who is being loud?

Chandler: Oh, that would be Monica. Hey, listen, I wanna borrow a coupla things, Aurora spent the night, I really wanna make her breakfast.

Monica: Oh, you got the whole night, huh?

Chandler: Yeah, well, I only have twenty minutes until Ethan, so, y'know.. (He starts to raid the fridge.)

Rachel: Ooh, do I sense a little bit of resentment?

Chandler: No, no resentment, believe me, it's worth it. 'Kay? Y'know in a relationship you have these key moments that you know you'll remember for the rest of your life? Well, every- single- second is like that with Aurora.. and I've just wasted about thirty-five of them talking to you people, so, uh.. Monica, can you help me with the door? (He has armloads of stuff.)

Monica: Sure. Oh, um, Chandler? Y'know, the-the old Monica would-would remind you to scrub that Teflon pan with a plastic brush...But I'm not gonna do that. 

(She opens the door and he leaves.)

[Scene: A Film Set, Joey is entering for his scene.]

Director: (on phone)...Dammit, hire the girl! (He hangs up the phone.) Okay, everybody ready?

Joey: Uh, listen, I just wanna thank you for this great opportunity.

Director: Lose the robe.

Joey: Me?

Director: That would work.

Joey: Right. Okay. Losing the robe. (He takes off the robe.) And the robe is lost.

Director: Okay, everybody, we'd like to get this in one take, please. Let's roll it.. water's working (The shower starts).. and... action.

(Joey starts to the shower with a grim, determined look on his face.)

Director: And cut. Hey, Butt Guy, what the hell are you doing?

Joey: Well, I'm- I'm showering.

Director: No, that was clenching.

Joey: Oh. Well, the way I see it, the guy's upset here, y'know? I mean, his wife's dead, his brother's missing... I think his butt would be angry here.

Director: I think his butt would like to get this shot before lunch. Once again, rolling... water working... and action....and cut. What was that?

Joey: I was going for quiet desperation. But if you have to ask...

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Aurora and Chandler are in bed in Chandler's room.]

Chandler: God, I love these fingers...

Aurora: Thank you.

Chandler: No, actually I meant my fingers. Look at 'em, look at how happy they are.

Aurora: (moves Chandler's arm and look at his watch.) Oh my God, I'm late. (She starts to get up.)

Chandler: Oh no nonononononnononono, don't go.. (He kisses her and pulls her back down.)

Aurora: Okay.

Chandler: Don't go.

Aurora: Okay. Oh no, I have to.

Chandler: (to himself) Too bad, she's leaving.

Aurora: (getting up and dressing) I'm sorry. He'll be waiting for me.

Chandler: Well, I thought- I thought you talked to Rick.

Aurora: It's not Rick.

Chandler: What, Ethan? He got to spend the whole day with you!

Aurora: No, it's-it's Andrew. 

Chandler: I know there'll be many moments in the years to come when I'll regret asking the following question, but- And Andrew is?

Aurora: He's... new.

Chandler: Oh, so what you're saying is you're not completely fulfilled by Rick, Ethan and myself?

Aurora: No, that's not exactly what I was..

Chandler: Well, y'know, most women would kill for three guys like us.

Aurora: So what do you want?

Chandler: You.

Aurora: You have me!

Chandler: Nono, just you.

Aurora: Whaddyou mean?

Chandler: Lose the other guys.

Aurora: ...Like, ...all of them?

Chandler: C'mon, we're great together, why not?

Aurora: Why can't we just have what we have now? Why can't we just talk, and laugh, and make love, without feeling obligated to one another... and up until tonight I thought that's what you wanted too.

Chandler: ...Well, y'know, part of me wants that, but it's like I'm two guys, y'know? I mean, one guy's going 'Shut up! This is great!' But there's this other guy. Actually it's the same guy that wells up every time that Grinch's heart grows three sizes and breaks that measuring device... And he's saying, y'know, 'This is too hard! Get out! Get out!'

Aurora: So... which one of the two guys will you listen to?

Chandler: I don't know, I-I have to listen to both of them, they don't exactly let each other finish...

Aurora: Which one?

Chandler: ...The second guy.

Aurora: (gets up to leave) Well, call me if you change your mind.

(She kisses him, he holds her, and kisses her passionately.)

Chandler: Sorry, the first guy runs the lips.

(She leaves, Chandler sighs, and falls back on his bed.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is trying to comfort Chandler.  Joey is absent.]

Ross: Look at it this way: you dumped her. Right? I mean, this woman was unbelievably sexy, and beautiful, intelligent, unattainable... Tell me why you did this again?

(Joey enters.)

All: Hey!

Monica: Hey, waitwait, aren't you the guy that plays the butt in the new Al Pacino movie?

Joey: Nope.

Ross: No? What happened, big guy?

Chandler: (to Ross) "Big guy?"

Ross: It felt like a 'big guy' moment.

Joey: I got fired.

All: Oh!

Joey: Yeah, they said I acted too much with it. I told everybody about this! Now everybody's gonna go to the theatre, expecting to see me, and...

Rachel: Oh, Joey, you know what, no-one is gonna be able to tell.

Joey: My mom will.

Chandler: Something so sweet and...disturbing about that.

Joey: Y'know, I've done nothing but crappy plays for six years. And I finally get my shot, and I blow it!

Monica: Maybe this wasn't your shot.

Ross: Yeah, I mean... I think when it's your shot, y'know, you-you know it's your shot. Did it... feel like your shot..?

Joey: Hard to tell, I was naked.

Phoebe: No, I don't think this was your shot. I mean, I don't even think you just get one shot. I really believe big things are gonna happen for you, I do! You've gotta just keep thinking about the day that some kid is gonna run up to his friends and go 'I got the part! I got the part! I'm gonna be Joey Tribbiani's ass!'.

Joey: Yeah? That's so nice! (They hug.)

(Ross and Chandler look at each other and hug as well.)

Monica: I'm sorry, Joey. I'm gonna go to bed, guys. 

All: Night.

Rachel: Uh, Mon, you-you gonna leave your shoes out here?

Monica: (determined) Uh-huh!

Rachel: Really? Just casually strewn about in that reckless haphazard manner?

Monica: Doesn't matter, I'll get 'em tomorrow. Or not. Whenever. (He goes to her room.)

Ross: She is a kook.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica's Bedroom, she's lying in bed wide awake.]

Monica: (hums for a while, then gives up, and in her head) If it bothers you that much, just go out and get the shoes. No. Don't do this. This is stupid! I don't have to prove anything, I'm gonna go get them...But then everyone will know. Unless I get them, and then wake up really early and put them back! ...I need help! (She buries her head in her pillow.) 

End 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The One With the Blackout

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Written by: Jeffrey Astrof and Mike Sikowitz.
Transcribed by: Ruth Curran


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[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is introducing Phoebe, who is playing her guitar for the crowd.]

Rachel: Everybody? Shh, shhh. Uhhh... Central Perk is proud to present the music of Miss Phoebe Buffay.

(applause)

Phoebe: Hi. Um, I want to start with a song thats about that moment when you suddenly realize what life is all about. OK, here we go. (plays a chord, then the lights go out) OK, thank you very much.

[Scene: The ATM vestibule of a bank, Chandler is inside. The lights go out, and he realizes he is trapped inside.]

Chandler: Oh, great. This is just...

(Chandler sees that there is a gorgeous model inside the vestibule with him. He makes a gesture of quiet exuberance.)

Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is on the phone with her mother. Phoebe, Rachel, and Ross are there.]

Rachel: Wow, this is so cool, you guys. The entire city is blacked out!

Monica: Mom says it's all of Manhattan, parts of Brooklyn and Queens, and they have no idea when it's coming back on.

Rachel: Wow, you guys, this is big.

Monica: (into phone) Pants and a sweater? Why, mom? Who am I gonna meet in a blackout? Power company guys? Eligible looters? Could we talk about this later? OK. (hangs up)

Phoebe: Can I borrow the phone? I want to call my apartment and check on my grandma. (to Monica) What's my number? 

(Monica and Rachel look at Phoebe strangely.)

Phoebe: Well, I never call me.

[Scene: ATM vestibule, Jill Goodacre is on the cellular phone. Chandler's thoughts are in italics.]

Chandler: Oh my God, it's that Victoria's Secret model. Something... something Goodacre.

Jill: (on phone) Hi Mom, it's Jill.

Chandler: She's right, it's Jill. Jill Goodacre. Oh my God. I am trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre! (pause) Is it a vestibule? Maybe it's an atrium. Oh, yeah, that is the part to focus on, you idiot!

Jill: (on phone) Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just stuck at the bank, in an ATM vestibule.

Chandler: Jill says vestibule... I'm going with vestibule.

Jill: (on phone) I'm fine. No, I'm not alone... I don't know, some guy.

Chandler: Oh! Some guy. Some guy. 'Hey Jill, I saw you with some guy last night. Yes, he was some guy. 

(Chandler strides proudly across the vestibule and Jill stares at him.)

[Scene: Monica's apartment, Joey enters with a menorah, the candles lit.]

Joey: Hi everyone.

Ross: And officiating at tonight's blackout, is Rabbi Tribbiani.

Joey: Well, Chandler's old roomate was Jewish, and these are the only candles we have, so... Happy Chanukah, everyone.

Phoebe: (at window) Eww, look. Ugly Naked Guy lit a bunch of candles.

(They all look at the window, grossed out, then flinch in pain.)

Rachel: That had to hurt!

[Scene: ATM vestibule.]

Chandler: Alright, alright, alright. It's been fourteen and a half minutes and you still have not said one word. Oh God, do something. Just make contact, smile!

(Chandler smiles at her, she smiles back sweetly.)

Chandler: There you go!

(He continues to smile like an idiot, and she looks frightened.)

Chandler: You're definitely scaring here.

Jill: (awkwardly) Would you like to call somebody? (offering phone)

Chandler: Yeah, about 300 guys I went to high school with. Yeah, thanks. (takes phone)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The phone rings; it's Chandler.]

Monica: Hello?

Chandler: Hey, it's me.

Monica: (to everyone) It's Chandler! (on phone) Are you OK?

Chandler: Yeah, I'm fine. (trying to cover up what he is saying) I'm trppd in an ATM vstbl wth Jll Gdcr.

Monica: What?

Chandler: I'm trppd... in an ATM vstbl... wth Jll Gdcr!

Monica: I have no idea what you just said.

Chandler: (angry) Put Joey on the phone.

Joey: What's up man?

Chandler: I'm trppd... in an ATM vstbl... wth JLL GDCR.

Joey: (to everyone) Oh my God! He's trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre! (on phone) Chandler, listen. (says something intentionally garbled)

Chandler: Yeah, like that thought never entered my mind.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, time has passed. The five are sitting around the coffee table talking.]

Rachel: Alright, somebody.

Monica: OK, I'll go. OK, senior year of college... on a pool table.

All: Whoooaa!

Ross: That's my sister.

Joey: OK... my weirdest place would have to be... the women's room on the second floor of the New York CIty public library.

Monica: Oh my God! What were you doing in a library?

Ross: Pheebs, what about you?

Phoebe: Oh... Milwaukee.

Rachel: Um... Ross?

Ross: Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After All.'

All: No way!

Ross: The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical Dutch children... then they fixed the ride, and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom.

Phoebe: Oh, Rachel.

Rachel: Oh come on, I already went.

Monica: You did not go!

All: Come on.

Rachel: Oh, alright. The weirdest place would have to be... (sigh)... oh, the foot of the bed. 

Ross: Step back.

Joey: We have a winner!

[Time lapse, Ross and Rachel are talking, Joey is on the couch, and Monica and Phoebe are out of the room.]

Rachel: I just never had a relationship with that kind of passion, you know, where you have to have somebody right there, in the middle of a theme park.

Ross: Well, it was the only thing to do there that didn't have a line.

Rachel: There, well, see? Barry wouldn't even kiss me on a miniature golf course. 

Ross: Come on.

Rachel: No, he said we were holding up the people behind us.

Ross: (sarcastically) And you didn't marry him because...?

Rachel: I mean, do you think there are people who go through life never having that kind of...

Ross: Probably. But you know, I'll tell you something. Passion is way overrated. 

Rachel: Yeah right.

Ross: It is. Eventually, it kind of... burns out. But hopefully, what you're left with is trust, and security, and... well, in the case of my ex-wife, lesbianism. So, you know, for all of those people who miss out on that passion... thing, there's all that other good stuff.

Rachel: (sigh) OK.

Ross: But, um... I don't think that's going to be you.

Rachel: You don't.

Ross: Uh-uh. See, I see.... big passion in your future.

Rachel: Really?

Ross: Mmmm.

Rachel: You do?

Ross: I do.

Rachel: Oh Ross, you're so great. (she playfully rubs his head and gets up)

(Ross gets up, pleased with himself.)

Joey: It's never gonna happen.

Ross: (innocently) What?

Joey: You and Rachel.

Ross: (acts surprised) What? (pause) Why not?

Joey: Because you waited too long to make your move, and now you're in the friend zone. 

Ross: No, no, no. I'm not in the zone.

Joey: Ross, you're mayor of the zone.

Ross: I'm taking my time, alright? I'm laying the groundwork. Yeah. I mean, every day I get just a little bit closer to...

Joey: Priesthood! Look Ross, I'm telling you, she has no idea what you're thinking. If you don't ask her out soon you're going to end up stuck in the zone forever.

Ross: I will, I will. See, I'm waiting for the right moment. (Joey looks at him) What? What, now?

Joey: Yeeeeaaaahhh! What's messing you up? The wine? The candles? The moonlight? You've just got to go up to her and say, 'Rachel, I think that...' (Rachel comes into the room behind them)

Ross: Shhhh!

Rachel: What are you shushing?

Ross: We're shushing... because... we're trying to hear something. Listen. (everyone is silent) Don't you hear that?

Rachel: Ahhhh!

Ross: See?

Rachel: Huh. (she agrees, but looks very confused)

[Scene: ATM vestibule.]

Jill: Would you like some gum?

Chandler: Um, is it sugarless?

Jill: (checks) Sorry, it's not.

Chandler: Oh, then no thanks. What the hell was that? Mental note: If Jill Goodacre offers you gum, you take it. If she offers you mangled animal carcass, you take it.

[Scene: Monica's apartment, Phoebe is singing.]

Phoebe: (singing) New York City has no power, and the milk is getting sour. But to me it is not scary, 'cause I stay away from dairy.... la la la, la la, la la... (she writes the lyrics down)

Ross: (to Joey) OK, here goes.

Joey: Are you going to do it?

Ross: I'm going to do it.

Joey: Do you want any help?

Ross: You come out there, you're a dead man.

Joey: Good luck, man.

Ross: Thanks. (Joey hugs him) OK.

Joey: OK. (Ross goes out on the balcony to talk to Rachel)

(Monica walks in, starts to go out on the balcony.)

Joey: Hey, where are you going?

Monica: Outside.

Joey: You can't go out there.

Monica: Why not?

Joey: Because of... the reason.

Monica: And that would be?

Joey: I, um, can't tell you.

Monica: Joey, what's going on?

Joey: OK, you've got to promise that you'll never, ever tell Ross that I told you.

Monica: About what?

Joey: He's planning your birthday party.

Monica: Oh my God! I love him!

Joey: (as Phoebe enters) You'd better act surprised.

Phoebe: About what?

Monica: My surprise party!

Phoebe: What surprise party?

Monica: Oh stop it. Joey already told me.

Phoebe: Well, he didn't tell me.

Joey: Hey, don't look at me. This is Ross's thing.

Phoebe: This is so typical. I'm always the last one to know everything.

Monica: No, you are not. We tell you stuff.

Phoebe: Yuh-huh! I was the last one to know when Chandler got bitten by the peacock at the zoo. I was the last one to know when you had a crush on Joey when he was moving in. (Monica gestures at Phoebe to shut up; Joey looks surprised but pleased) Looks like I was second to last.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Ross and Rachel are talking.]

Rachel: Hmmm... this is so nice.

Ross: OK, I have a question. Well, actually, it's not so much a question as.. more of a general wondering... ment.

Rachel: OK.

Ross: OK. Here goes. For a while now, I've been wanting to, um....

Rachel: Ohhh!!!! (looking at something behind Ross)

Ross: Yes, yes, that's right...

Rachel: Oh, look at the little cat! (a small kitten is on the roof behind Ross)

Ross: What? (the cat jumps on his shoulders) Ow!

[Cut to inside. Monica, Joey and Phoebe are singing while outside, Ross and Rachel are trying to get the cat off of Ross' shoulder.]

Monica, Joey, and Phoebe: (singing) I'm on top of the world, looking down on creation and the only explanation I can find, is the wonders I've found ever since...

Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is holding the cat, Monica is treating the scratches on Ross' back. Joey is holding the menorah over the wound.]

Monica: (to Ross) This is just Bactine. It won't hurt.

(Ross flinches in pain.)

Joey: Sorry, that was wax.

Phoebe: Oh, poor little Tooty is scared to death. We should find his owner.

Ross: Why don't we just put 'poor little Tooty' out in the hall?

Rachel: During a blackout? He'd get trampled!

Ross: (nonchalantly) Yeah?

[Scene: ATM vestibule.]

Chandler: You know, on second thought, gum would be perfection. (Jill gives him a stick of gum, and a strange look) 'Gum would be perfection'? 'Gum would be perfection.' Could have said 'gum would be nice,' or 'I'll have a stick,' but no, no, no, no. For me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself.

[Scene: The hallway of Monica's building. Phoebe and Rachel are trying to find the cat's owner.]

Phoebe: (stops at a door) Oh no, the Mendels, they hate all living things, right?

Rachel: Oh. (they knock at the next door, Mr. Heckles answers) Hi. We just found this cat and we're looking for the owner.

Mr. Heckles: Er, yeah, it's mine.

Phoebe: (trying to hold back the struggling cat) He seems to hate you. Are you sure?

Mr. Heckles: Yeah, it's my cat. Give me my cat.

Phoebe: Wait a minute. What's his name?

Mr. Heckles: Ehhhh... B-Buttons.

Rachel: Bob Buttons?

Mr. Heckles: Mmm. Bob Buttons. Here, Bob Buttons.

Phoebe: (the cat runs away from her) Oooh! You are a very bad man!

Mr. Heckles: (as Phoebe and Rachel leave) You owe me a cat.

[Scene: Rachel has gone off on her own to look for the cat's owner.]

Rachel: Here, kitty-kitty. Here kitty-kitty. Where did you go, little kitty-kitty-kitty? Here kitty-kitty-kitty-kitty...

(While looking at the floor for the cat, Rachel runs into a pair of legs. She slowly gets up and sees a gorgeous Italian hunk holding the cat. Who, by the way, you'll hate very, very soon. The man. Not the cat.)

Paolo: (something Italian)

Rachel: Wow. (she exhales in amazement, blowing the candle out)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Monica, and Joey are playing Monopoly.]

Ross: (rolling) Lucky sixes....

Rachel: (entering with Paolo, arm in arm) Everybody, this is Paolo. Paolo, I want you to meet my friends. This is Monica.

Monica: (smitten) Hi!

Rachel: And Joey....

Monica: Hi!

Rachel: And Ross.

Monica: Hi!

Paolo: (something in Italian)

Rachel: (proudly) He doesn't speak much English.

Paolo: (pointing at game) Monopoly! 

Rachel: Look at that!

Ross: (jealous) So, um... where did Paolo come from?

Rachel: Oh... Italy, I think.

Ross: No, I mean tonight, in the building. Suddenly. Into our lives.

Rachel: Well, the cat... the cat turned out to be Paolo's cat!

Ross: That, that is funny... (to Joey).... and Rachel keeps touching him.

(Phoebe enters.)

Phoebe: Alright. I looked all over the building and I couldn't find the kitty anywhere.

Rachel: Oh, I found him. He was Paolo's cat.

Phoebe: Ah! Well! There you go! Last to know again! And I'm guessing... since nobody told me... this is Paolo.

Rachel: Ah, Paolo, this is Phoebe.

Paolo: (something in Italian, he is apparently attracted to Phoebe)

Phoebe: (smiling) You betcha!

[Scene: ATM vestibule.]

Chandler: (chewing gum) Ah, let's see. What next? Blow a bubble. A bubble's good. It's got a... boyish charm, it's impish. Here we go.

(Chandler waits until Jill is looking, then starts to blow a bubble. But instead of blow one, he accidentally spits the gum out of his mouth and hits the wall.)

Chandler: Nice going, imp. OK, it's OK. All I need to do is reach over and put it in my mouth. (Chandler slyly grabs the gum from the wall and slides it back in his mouth.)

Chandler: Good save! We're back on track, and I'm... (grimacing) ..chewing someone else's gum. This is not my gum. Oh my God! Oh my God! And now you're choking. 

(Chandler starts to choke.)

Jill: Are you alright?

(Chandler tries to save face and makes the 'OK' sign with his hands, while obviously unable to breathe.)

Jill: My God, you're choking! (she runs over and gives him the Heimlich, the gum flies from his mouth) That better?

Chandler: (gasping) Yes... thank you. That was... that was....

Jill: Perfection?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Paolo are at the window. Ross and Joey are watching disgustedly.]

Paolo: (something romantic in Italian about Rachel and the stars)

Ross: (mocking Paolo) Blah blah blah, blah blah blah... blah blaaaaaah....

(Rachel walks away from Paolo, laughing.)

Ross: Wha-What did he say that was so funny?

Rachel: I have absolutely no idea.

Ross: That's... that's classic.

Rachel: (to Monica and Phoebe) Oh my God, you guys, what am I doing? What am I doing? This is so un-me!

Monica: If you want, I'll do it.

(Ross looks at Joey.)

Phoebe: I know, I just want to bite his bottom lip. (Rachel looks at her) But I won't.

Rachel: God, the first time he smiled at me... those three seconds were more exciting than three weeks in Bermuda with Barry.

Phoebe: You know, did you ride mopeds? 'Cause I've heard... (they stare at her)... oh, I see... it's not about that right now. OK.

Rachel: Y'know, I know it's totally superficial and we have absolutely nothing in common, and we don't even speak the same language but Goooooooddddddd....

[Cut to the other side of the apartment, Ross has gone over to straighten things out with Paolo.]

Ross: Paolo. Hi.

Paolo: Ross!

(Ross notices that Paolo is standing on a step, which makes him taller. Ross gets up on the same step so he can look down at Paolo.)

Ross: Listen. Um, listen. Something you should... know... um, Rachel and I... we're kind of a thing.

Paolo: Thing?

Ross: Thing, yes. Thing.

Paolo: Ah, you... have the sex?

Ross: No, no, no. Technically the... sex is not... being had, but that's... see, that's not the point. See, um, the point is that... Rachel and I should be, er, together. You know, and if you get in the.... um... 

Paolo: Bed?

Ross: No, no, that's not where I was going. Er, if you get in the... way, of us becoming a thing, then I would be, well, very sad.

Paolo: Oh!

Ross: Yeah! Se vice?

Paolo: Si.

Ross: So you do know a little English.

Paolo: Poco... a leetle.

Ross: Do you know the word crapweasel?

Paolo: No.

Ross: That's funny, because you know, you are a huge crapweasel!

(They hug.)

[Scene: ATM vestibule, Chandler and Jill are sitting below the counter with two pens dangling from their chains in front of them. Jill is showing Chandler how to swing the pen around his head.]

Jill: Chandler, we've been here for an hour doing this! Now watch, it's easy.

Chandler: OK.

Jill: Ready? (she swings the pen around her head in a circle)

(Chandler tries to do the same thing but the pen hits him in the head.)

Jill: No, you've got to whip it. 

(He swings the pen hard, and it snaps back and almost hits him again.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is all sitting around the table.]

Phoebe: Oh, look look look. The last candle's about to burn out. 10, 9, 8, 7... (time lapse)... negative 46, negative 47, negative 48.... (someone blows it out, the room gets completely dark)

Ross: Thank you.

Phoebe: Thanks.

Ross: Kinda... spooky without any lights.

Joey: (does a maniacal laugh) Bwah-hah-hah!

(Everyone starts to imitate him.)

Ross: OK, guys, guys? I have the definitive one. Mwwwooooo-hah-hah...

(The lights come back on, and Rachel and Paolo are making out. Ross clutches his chest.)

Ross: Oh.. oh... oh.

Joey: Hey Ross. This probably isn't the best time to bring it up, but you have to throw a party for Monica.

Closing Credits
[Scene: ATM vestibule, the power has come back on.]

Jill: Well, this has been fun.

Chandler: Yes. Yes, thanks for letting me use your phone... and for saving my life.

Jill: Well, goodbye Chandler. I had a great blackout. (she kisses him on the cheek) See ya.

(She leaves. Chandler presses his face to the glass door after her, stroking the window lovingly. He then turns to the security camera and starts talking to it.)

Chandler: Hi, um, I'm account number 7143457. And, uh, I don't know if you got any of that, but I would really like a copy of the tape.

End 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The One Where Nana Dies Twice

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Written by: Marta Kaufmann & David Crane
Transcribed by: guineapig
With Help From: Rachel Stigge


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[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is on a coffee break.   Shelley enters.)

Shelley: Hey gorgeous, how's it going?

Chandler: Dehydrated Japanese noodles under fluorescent lights... does it get better than this?

Shelley: Question. You're not dating anybody, are you, because I met somebody who would be perfect for you.

Chandler: Ah, y'see, perfect might be a problem. Had you said 'co-dependent', or 'self-destructive'...

Shelley: Do you want a date Saturday?

Chandler: Yes please.

Shelley: Okay. He's cute, he's funny, he's-

Chandler: He's a he?

Shelley: Well yeah! ...Oh God. I- just- I thought- Good, Shelley. I'm just gonna go flush myself down the toilet now...(backs out of the room) Okay, goodbye...

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there.)

Chandler: ...Couldn't enjoy a cup of noodles after that. I mean, is that ridiculous? Can you believe she actually thought that?

Rachel: Um... yeah. Well, I mean, when I first met you, y'know, I thought maybe, possibly, you might be... 

Chandler: You did?

Rachel: Yeah, but then you spent Phoebe's entire birthday party talking to my breasts, so then I figured maybe not.

Chandler: Huh. Did, uh... any of the rest of you guys think that when you first met me?

Monica: I did.

Phoebe: Yeah, I think so, yeah.

Joey: Not me.

Ross: Nono, me neither. Although, uh, y'know, back in college, Susan Sallidor did.

Chandler: You're kidding! Did you tell her I wasn't?

Ross: No. No, it's just 'cause, uh, I kinda wanted to go out with her too, so I told her, actually, you were seeing Bernie Spellman... who also liked her, so...

(Joey congratulates Ross, sees Chandler's look and abruptly stops.)

Chandler: Well, this is fascinating. So, uh, what is it about me?

Phoebe: I dunno, 'cause you're smart, you're funny...

Chandler: Ross is smart and funny, d'you ever think that about him?

All: Yeah! Right!

Chandler: WHAT IS IT?!

Monica: Okay, I-I d'know, you-you just- you have a quality.

All: Yes. Absolutely. A quality.

Chandler: Oh, oh, a quality, good, because I was worried you guys were gonna be vague about this.

(Phone rings; Monica gets it)

Monica: Hello? Hello? Oh! Rachel, it's Paolo calling from Rome. 

Rachel: Oh my God! Calling from Rome! (Takes phone) Bon giorno, caro mio. 

Ross: (to Joey) So he's calling from Rome. I could do that. Just gotta go to Rome.

Rachel: Monica, your dad just beeped in, but can you make it quick? Talking to Rome. (Showing off to Phoebe and Chandler) I'm talking to Rome.

Monica: Hey dad, what's up? (Listens) Oh God. Ross, it's Nana.

[Scene: The Hospital, Mr. and Mrs. Geller are there, along with Aunt Lillian. Ross and Monica enter and everyone says hi and kisses.)

Ross: So, uh, how's she doing?

Aunt Lillian: The doctor says it's a matter of hours.

Monica: How-how are you, Mom?

Mrs. Geller: Me? I'm fine, fine. I'm glad you're here. ...What's with your hair?

Monica: What?

Mrs. Geller: What's different?

Monica: Nothing.

Mrs. Geller: Oh, maybe that's it.

(Monica strides over to Ross, who is making coffee, and talks to him aside.)

Monica: She is unbelievable, our mother is...

Ross: Okay, relax, relax. We are gonna be here for a while, it looks like, and we still have boyfriends and your career to cover.

Monica: Oh God!

(They hug.)

[Cut to the hospital, later. Everyone is talking about Nana.]

Monica: The fuzzy little mints at the bottom of her purse. 

Ross: Oh! ...Yeah, they were gross. Oh, you know what I loved? Her Sweet 'n' Los. How she was always stealing them from- from restaurants.

Mr. Geller: Not just restaurants, from our house.

(The nurse comes out of Nana's room.)

Nurse: Mrs. Geller?

(Everyone stands up. Cut to Ross and Monica in Nana's room.)

Ross: She looks so small. 

Monica: I know.

Ross: Well, at least she's with Pop-Pop and Aunt Phyllis now. 

Monica: G'bye, Nana. (She kisses her on the forehead.)

Ross: Bye, Nana. 

(He goes to kiss her but she moves. Monica screams. Ross shouts and stares in disbelief. Monica runs out of the room.)

Monica: Ross!

(Ross runs out too.)

Mrs. Geller: What is going on?!

Ross: Y'know how-how the nurse said that-that Nana had passed? Well, she's not, quite..

Mrs. Geller: What?

Ross: She's not- past, she's present, she's back.

Aunt Lillian: (reentering) What's going on?

Mr. Geller: She may have died.

Aunt Lillian: She may have died?

Mr. Geller: We're looking into it.

(Monica returns with the nurse and they go into Nana's room.)

Ross: I, uh, I'll go see. (He goes in)

Nurse: This almost never happens!

(Nana passes for the second time and the nurse pulls the blanket over her. Ross and Monica go to tell the family)

Ross: Now she's passed.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Phoebe, Joey, and Rachel are there.]

Chandler: I just have to know, okay. Is it my hair?

Rachel: (exasperated) Yes, Chandler, that's exactly what it is. It's your hair.

Phoebe: Yeah, you have homosexual hair.

(Monica and Ross enter.)

Rachel: So, um, did she...

Ross: Twice.

Joey: Twice?

Phoebe: Oh, that sucks!

Joey: You guys okay?

Ross: I dunno, it's weird. I mean, I know she's gone, but I just don't feel, uh...

Phoebe: Maybe that's 'cause she's not really gone.

Ross: Nono, she's gone.

Monica: We checked. A lot.

Phoebe: Hm, I mean maybe no-one ever really goes. Ever since my mom died, every now and then, I get the feeling that she's like right here, y'know? (She circles her hand around her right shoulder. Chandler, sitting on her right, draws back nervously) Oh! And Debbie, my best friend from junior high- got struck by lightning on a miniature golf course- I always get this really strong Debbie vibe whenever I use one of those little yellow pencils, y'know? ...I miss her.

Rachel: Aw. Hey, Pheebs, want this? (Gives her a pencil)

Phoebe: Thanks!

Rachel: Sure. I just sharpened her this morning.

Joey: Now, see, I don't believe any of that. I think once you're dead, you're dead! You're gone! You're worm food! (realises his tactlessness) ...So Chandler looks gay, huh?

Phoebe: Y'know, I dunno who this is, but it's not Debbie. (Hands back the pencil)

[Scene: Nana's house, Ross, Mrs. Geller and Aunt Lillian are going through clothes.]

Ross: I thought it was gonna be a closed casket.

Mrs. Geller: Well, that doesn't mean she can't look nice!

(They open a cupboard which, amongst other things, contains a chest of drawers)

Mrs. Geller: Sweetie, you think you can get in there?

Ross: (sarcastic) I don't see why not.

(He tries pushing against the chest of drawers. Then he opens one of the drawers and climbs into the closet using that; he falls behind the chest of drawers with a shout.)

Ross: Here's my retainer!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is talking to her father.]

Mr. Geller: I was just thinking. When my time comes-

Monica: Dad!

Mr. Geller: Listen to me! When my time comes, I wanna be buried at sea.

Monica: You what?

Mr. Geller: I wanna be buried at sea, it looks like fun. 

Monica: Define fun.

Mr. Geller: C'mon, you'll make a day of it! You'll rent a boat, pack a lunch...

Monica: ...And then we throw your body in the water... Gee, that does sound fun.

Mr. Geller: Everyone thinks they know me. Everyone says 'Jack Geller, so predictable'. Maybe after I'm gone, they'll say 'Buried at sea! Huh!'.

Monica: That's probably what they'll say.

Mr. Geller: I'd like that.

[Scene: Chandler's Office, Shelley is drinking coffee; Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hey, gorgeous.

Shelley: (sheepish) Hey. Look, I'm sorry about yesterday, I, um-

Chandler: No, nono, don't- don't worry about it. Believe me, apparently other people have made the same mistake.

Shelley: Oh! Okay! Phew! 

Chandler: So, uh... what do you think it is about me?

Shelley: I dunno, uh... you just have a-a...

Chandler: ...Quality, right, great.

Shelley: Y'know, it's a shame, because you and Lowell would've made a great couple.

Chandler: Lowell? Financial Services' Lowell, that's who you saw me with?

Shelley: What? He's cute!

Chandler: Well, yeah... 's'no Brian in Payroll.

Shelley: Is Brian...?

Chandler: No! Uh, I d'know! The point is, if you were gonna set me up with someone, I'd like to think you'd set me up with someone like him.

Shelley: Well, I think Brian's a little out of your league.

Chandler: Excuse me? You don't think I could get a Brian? Because I could get a Brian. Believe you me. ...I'm really not.

[Scene: Nana's Bedroom, Ross is holding a dress out from inside the closet.]

Ross: (holding a dress out from inside the closet) This one?

Aunt Lillian: No.

Ross: I have shown you everything we have. Unless you want your mother to spend eternity in a lemon yellow pant-suit, go with the burgundy.

Aunt Lillian: You know, whatever we pick, she would've told us it's the wrong one.

Mrs. Geller: You're right. We'll go with the burgundy.

Ross: Oh! A fine choice. I'm coming out. (Starts to climb over the furniture)

Aunt Lillian: Wait! We need shoes!

(Ross falls back inside)

Ross: Okay. Um, how about these? (Holds out a pair)

Mrs. Geller: That's really a day shoe.

Ross: And where she's going everyone else'll be dressier?

Aunt Lillian: Could we see something in a slimmer heel?

Ross: (forages around) Okay, I have nothing in an evening shoe in the burgundy. I can show you something in a silver that may work.

Aunt Lillian: No, it really should be burgundy.

Mrs. Geller: Mm. Unless we go with a different dress?

Ross: No! Nonono, wait a sec. I may have something in the back.

(He finds a shoebox (out of shot), pulls it down and opens it. It is full of Sweet 'n' Lo's.)

Ross: Oh my God..

Mrs. Geller: Is everything all right, dear?

Ross: Yeah, just... just Nana stuff.

(He reaches up higher and knocks down another shoebox lid. Sweet 'n' Lo's rain down on him)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are preparing to leave for the funeral.]

Ross: (entering) How we doing, you guys ready?

Monica: Mom already called this morning to remind me not to wear my hair up. Did you know my ears are not my best feature?

Ross: Some days it's all I can think about. 

Phoebe: (entering) Hi, sorry I'm late, I couldn't find my bearings.

Rachel: Oh, you-you mean your earrings?

Phoebe: What'd I say?

Rachel: (sticking her foot out) Hm-m.

Monica: Are these the shoes?

Rachel: Yes. Paolo sent them from Italy.

Ross: What, we-uh- we don't have shoes here, or...?

Joey: (entering with Chandler) Morning. We ready to go?

Chandler: Well, don't we look nice all dressed up?...It's stuff like that, isn't it?

(They all leave.)

[Scene: The cemetary, after the funeral.]

Monica: It was a really beautiful service.

Mrs. Geller: It really was. Oh, c'mere, sweetheart. (Hugs her) Y'know, I think it might be time for you to start using night cream.

(Joey listens to his overcoat for a second and sighs, then notices Chandler watching)

Joey: What?

Chandler: Nothing, just your overcoat sounds remarkably like Brent Mussberger.

Joey: Check it out, Giants-Cowboys. (He has a pocket TV)

Chandler: You're watching a football game at a funeral?

Joey: No, it's the pre-game. I'm gonna watch it at the reception.

Chandler: You are a frightening, frightening man.

(Rachel steps in a patch of mud)

Rachel: Oh no! My new Paolo shoes!

Ross: Oh, I hope they're not ruined.

Phoebe: God, what a great day. ...What? Weather-wise!

Ross: I know, uh, the air, the-the trees... even though Nana's gone there's, there's something almost, uh- I dunno, almost life-aff- (Not looking where he is going he falls into an open grave)

All: God! Ross!

Ross: I'm fine. Just-just... having my worst fear realised...

[Scene: The Wake, at the Gellers' house. Ross is lying on his back, with Phoebe squatting over him, checking to see if he's injured.]

Phoebe: Okay, don't worry, I'm just checking to see if the muscle's in spasm...huh.

Ross: What, what is it?

Phoebe: You missed a belt loop. 

Ross: Oh! No-n-

Phoebe: Okay, it's in spasm.

Mrs. Geller: Here, sweetie, here. I took these when I had my golfing accident. (Hands Ross a bottle of pills. Then turns to Monica and pats her hair over her ears)

(Cut to Chandler and a woman, Andrea, reaching for the same slice of meat)

Chandler: Oh, no-

Andrea: Sorry- Hi, I'm Dorothy's daughter.

Chandler: Hi, I'm Chandler, and I have no idea who Dorothy is.

(They shake hands. Cut to Ross emerging from a hallway, grinning inanely. He is obviously very stoned)

Phoebe: Hey, look who's up! How do you feel?

Ross: I feel great. I feel- great, I fleel great.

Monica: Wow, those pills really worked, huh?

Ross: Not the first two, but the second two- woooo! ...I love you guys. You guys are the greatest. I love my sister (Kisses Monica), I love Pheebs... (Hugs her)

Phoebe: Ooh! That's so nice...

Ross: ...Chandler! 

Chandler: Hey.

Ross: (hugs him) And listen, man, if you wanna be gay, be gay. Doesn't matter to me.

Andrea: (turns to a friend) You were right. (They walk off and leave Chandler.)

Ross: Rachel. Rachel Rachel. (Sits down beside her) I love you the most.

Rachel: (humouring him) Oh, well you know who I love the most?

Ross: No.

Rachel: You!

Ross: Oh.. you don't get it! (Passes out and slumps across her)

(Cut to Joey watching TV in the corner. He makes an extravagant gesture of disappointment.)

Mr. Geller: Whaddya got there?

Joey: (hides the TV, but he still has an earphone) Just a, uh... hearing disability.

Mr. Geller: What's the score?

Joey: Seventeen-fourteen Giants... three minutes to go in the third.

Mr. Geller: Beautiful! (Turns to watch with him)

(Time lapse. A large crowd of men are now watching the game)

Rachel: (still trapped under Ross) Pheebs, could you maybe hand me a cracker?

Mrs. Geller: (to Monica) Your grandmother would have hated this.

Monica: Well, sure, what with it being her funeral and all.

Mrs. Geller: No, I'd be hearing about 'Why didn't I get the honey-glazed ham?', I didn't spend enough on flowers, and if I spent more she'd be saying 'Why are you wasting your money? I don't need flowers, I'm dead'.

Monica: That sounds like Nana.

Mrs. Geller: Do you know what it's like to grow up with someone who is critical of every single thing you say?

Monica: ...I can imagine.

Mrs. Geller: I'm telling you, it's a wonder your mother turned out to be the positive, life-affirming person that she is.

Monica: That is a wonder. So tell me something, Mom. If you had to do it all over again, I mean, if she was here right now, would you tell her?

Mrs. Geller: Tell her what?

Monica: How she drove you crazy, picking on every little detail, like your hair... for example.

Mrs. Geller: I'm not sure I know what you're getting at.

Monica: Do you think things would have been better if you'd just told her the truth?

Mrs. Geller: ...No. I think some things are better left unsaid. I think it's nicer when people just get along. 

Monica: Huh.

Mrs. Geller: More wine, dear?

Monica: Oh, I think so.

Mrs. Geller: (reaches out to fiddle with Monica's hair again, and realises) Those earrings look really lovely on you.

Monica: Thank you. They're yours.

Mrs. Geller: Actually they were Nana's.

(There is a cry of disappointment from the crowd of men.)

Mr. Geller: Now I'm depressed! ...(To everyone) Even more than I was.

[Scene: Central Perk, the gang are looking at old photos.]

Rachel: Hey, who's this little naked guy?

Ross: That little naked guy would be me.

Rachel: Aww, look at the little thing.

Ross: Yes, yes, fine, that is my penis. Can we be grown-ups now?

Chandler: Who are those people?

Ross: Got me.

Monica: Oh, that's Nana, right there in the middle. (Reads the back) 'Me and the gang at Java Joe's'. 

Rachel: Wow, Monica, you look just like your grandmother. How old was she there?

Monica: Let's see, 1939... yeah, 24, 25?

Ross: Looks like a fun gang. (They all look at each other and smile)

Joey: Ooh, look-look-look-look-look! I got Monica naked!

Ross: (looking) Nono, that would be me again. I'm, uh, just trying something.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is on a coffee break as Lowell enters.]

Chandler: Hey, Lowell.

Lowell: Hey, Chandler.

Chandler: So how's it going there in Financial Services?

Lowell: It's like Mardi Gras without the paper mache heads. How 'bout you?

Chandler: Good, good. Listen, heh, I dunno what Shelley told you about me, but, uh... I'm not.

Lowell: I know. That's what I told her.

Chandler: Really.

Lowell: Yeah.

Chandler: So- you can tell?

Lowell: Pretty much, most of the time. We have a kind of... radar.

Chandler: So you don't think I have a, a quality?

Lowell: Speaking for my people, I'd have to say no. By the way, your friend Brian from Payroll, he is.

Chandler: He is?

Lowell: Yup, and waaay out of your league. (Exits)

Chandler: Out of my league. I could get a Brian. (Brian enters behind him) If I wanted to get a Brian, I could get a Brian. (Sees him) Hey, Brian.

End


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The One Where Underdog Gets Away

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Written by: Jeff Greenstein & Jeff Strauss
Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips
With Minor Adjustments by: Dan Silverstein


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is confronting her boss, Terry.]

Rachel: Terry, I, I, I know that I haven't worked here very long, but I was wondering, do you think it would be possible if I got a $100 advance in my salary?

Terry: An advance?

Rachel: It's so that I can spend Thanksgiving with my family. See, every year we go skiing in Vail, and normally my father pays for my ticket, but I sort of started the whole independence thing, you know, which is actually why I took this job.

Terry: Rachel, Rachel, sweetheart. You're a terrible, terrible waitress. Really, really awful.

Rachel: Ok, I, I hear what you're sayin'. I'm with you. Um, but I, but I'm trying really hard. And I think I'm doing better. I really do. Does anybody need coffee? (everyone in the place raises their hand) Oh, look at that.

Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is approaching a customer.]

Rachel: Excuse me, sir. Hi, you come in here all time. I was just wondering, do you think there's a possibility that you could give me an advance on my tips?

Guy: Huh?

Rachel: Ok, ok, that's fine. Fine. Hey, I'm sorry about that spill before. (picks up the tip he leaves) Only $98.50 to go. 

(Monica enters.)

Monica: Hey. Ross, did you know Mom and Dad are going to Puerto Rico for Thanksgiving?

Ross: No, they're not.

Monica: Yes, they are. The Blymens invited them.

Ross: You're wrong.

Monica: I am not wrong.

Ross: You're wrong.

Monica: No, I just talked to them.

Ross: (getting up, upset) I'm calling Mom.

(Joey enters. His face looks abnormally colorful.)

Joey: Hey, hey.

Chandler: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey.

Chandler: And this from the cry-for-help department. Are you wearing makeup?

Joey: Yes, I am. As of today, I am officially Joey Tribbiani, actor slash model.

Chandler: That's so funny, 'cause I was thinking you look more like Joey Tribbiani, man slash woman.

Phoebe: What were you modeling for?

Joey: You know those posters for the city free clinic?

Monica: Oh, wow, so you're gonna be one of those "healthy, healthy, healthy guys"?

Phoebe: You know, the asthma guy was really cute.

Chandler: Do you know which one you're gonna be?

Joey: No, but I hear lyme disease is open, so... (crosses fingers) 

Chandler: Good luck, man. I hope you get it.

Joey: Thanks.

(Ross comes back to the couch.)

Ross: (to Monica) Well, you were right. How can they do this to us, huh? It's Thanksgiving. 

Monica: Ok, I'll tell you what. How about I cook dinner at my place? I'll make it just like Mom's.

Ross: Will you make the mashed potatoes with the lumps?

Monica: You know, they're not actually supposed to have... (Ross looks at her sheepishly) I'll work on the lumps. Joey, you're going home, right?

Joey: Yeah.

Monica: And I assume, Chandler, you are still boycotting all the pilgrim holidays.

Chandler: Yes, every single one of them.

Monica: Phoebe, you're gonna be with your grandma?

Phoebe: Yes, and her boyfriend. But we're celebrating Thanksgiving in December 'cause he is lunar.

Monica: So you're free Thursday, then.

Phoebe: Yeah. Oh, can I come?

Monica: Yeah. Rach, are you thinking you're gonna make it to Vail?

Rachel: Absolutely. Shoop, shoop, shoop. Only a hundred and two dollars to go.

Chandler: I thought it was $98.50.

Rachel: Yeah, well it was. I, I broke a cup.

Ross: Well, I'm off to Carol's.

Phoebe: Ooh, ooh! Why don't we invite her?

Ross: (mimicking) Ooh, ooh. Because she's my ex-wife, and will probably want to bring her, ooh, ooh, lesbian life partner.

[Scene: Carol and Susan's apartment, Susan is there. Ross enters.]

Ross: Hi, is uh, is Carol here?

Susan: No, she's at a faculty meeting.

Ross: Oh, I uh, just came by to pick up my skull. Well, not mine, but...Susan: Come in.

Ross: Thanks. Yeah, Carol borrowed it for a class, and I have to get it back to the museum.

Susan: What's it look like?

Ross: Kinda like a big face without skin.

Susan: Yes, I'm familiar with the concept. We can just look for it.

Ross: Ok. (browsing the apartment) Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about bein' a lesbian.

Susan: Well, you know, you have to take a course. Otherwise, they don't let you do it. 

Ross: (picking up a book) Hey, hey, Yertle the Turtle. A classic.

Susan: Actually, I'm reading it to the baby.

Ross: The uh, the baby that hasn't been born yet? Wouldn't that mean you're... crazy?

Susan: What, you don't think they can hear sounds in there?

Ross: You're not serious, I mean, you really... you really talk to it?

Susan: Yeah, all the time. I want the baby to know my voice.

Ross: Do you uh, do you talk about me?

Susan: Yeah, yeah, all the time.

Ross: Really?

Susan: But um, we just refer to you as Bobo the Sperm Guy.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there but Rachel.]

Ross: Look, if she's talking to it, I just think that I should get some belly time too. Not that I believe any of this.

Phoebe: Oh, I believe it. I think the baby can totally hear everything. I can show you. Look, this will seem a little weird, but you put your head inside this turkey, and then we'll all talk, and you'll hear everything we say.

Chandler: I'd just like to say that I'm totally behind this experiment. In fact, I'd very much like to butter your head.

(Rachel enters.)

Monica: Hey, Rach, did you make your money?

Rachel: No, not even close. Forget Vail, forget seeing my family, forget shoop, shoop, shoop.

Monica: Rach, here's your mail.

Rachel: Thanks, you can just put it on the table.

Monica: (insistently) No, here's your mail.

Rachel: Thanks, you can just put it on the table.

Monica: (gives her an envelope) Would you just open it?

(Rachel opens it. Inside is the money she needed.)

Rachel: Oh my god, oh, you guys are great.

Monica: We all chipped in.

Joey: (to Monica) We did?

Monica: (to Joey) You owe me 20 bucks.

Rachel: Thank you. Thank you so much!

Monica: (hands Chandler a bag) Chandler, here you go, got your traditional Thanksgiving feast, you got your tomato soup, your grilled cheese fixin's, and your family size bag of Funyuns.

Rachel: Wait, wait, Chandler, this is what you're havin' for Thanksgiving dinner? What, what, what is it with you and this holiday?

Chandler: All right, I'm nine years old.

Ross: Oh, I hate this story.

Chandler: We just finished this magnificent Thanksgiving dinner. I have--and I remember this part vividly--a mouthful of pumpkin pie, and this is the moment my parents choose to tell me they're getting divorced.

Rachel: Oh my god.

Chandler: Yes. It's very difficult to appreciate a Thanksgiving dinner once you've seen it in reverse.

[Scene: The subway, Joey spots a gorgeous woman waiting. He goes up to her.]

Joey: Uh, hi. We uh, we used to work together.

Girl: We did?

Joey: Yeah, at Macy's. You were the Obsession girl, right? I was the Aramis guy. (pretends to spray cologne) Aramis? Aramis? 

Girl: Yeah, right.

Joey: I gotta tell you. You're the best in the business.

Girl: Get out.

Joey: I'm serious. You're amazing. You know when to spritz, when to lay back.

Girl: Really? You don't know what that means to me.

Joey: Ooh, you smell great tonight. What're you wearing?

Girl: (provocatively) Nothing.

Joey: Listen, uh, you wanna go get a drink or something?

Girl: Yeah. (she gets up, notices something behind Joey) Oh.

Joey: What's wrong?

Girl: I just remembered, I have to do something.

Joey: Oh. What?

Girl: Um, leave.

Joey: Wait, wait, wait!

(Joey turns around and sees his face on a poster in the subway. The poster says: What Mario isn't telling you...V.D., you never know who might have it. A variety of scenes are shown with the poster displayed all over New York City.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey enters, amongst snickers from the gang.]

Joey: So I guess you all saw it.

Rachel: Saw what?

Phoebe: No, we were just laughing. You know, how laughter can be infectious.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey enters, upset.]

Joey: Set another place for Thanksgiving. My entire family thinks I have VD.

Chandler: Tonight, on a very special Blossom.

Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is cooking Thanksgiving dinner. Chandler is standing in the doorway, not wanting to participate in the festivities.]

Monica: Mmm, looking good. Ok, cider's mulling, turkey's turking, yams are yamming. (notices Ross is depressed) What?

Ross: I don't know. It's just not the same without Mom in the kitchen.

Monica: All right, that's it. You know what? Just get out of my way and stop moping.

Ross: That's closer.

(Rachel enters, excited.)

Rachel: I got the tickets! I got the tickets! Five hours from now, shoop, shoop, shoop.

Chandler: Oh, you must stop shooping.

Rachel: Ok, I'm gonna get my stuff.

Joey: Chandler, will you just come in already?

Chandler: No, I prefer to keep a safe distance from all this merriment.

(Phoebe takes a slice of pumpkin pie and waves it in front of Chandler's face.)

Phoebe: Look out, incoming pumpkin pie!

Chandler: Ok, we all laughed when you did it with the stuffing, but that's not funny anymore.

(Chandler leaves.)

Joey: Hey, Monica, I got a question. I don't see any tater tots.

Monica: That's not a question.

Joey: But my mom always makes them. It's like a tradition. You get a little piece of turkey on your fork, a little cranberry sauce, and a tot! It's bad enough I can't be with my family because of my disease.

Monica: All right, fine. Tonight's potatoes will be both mashed with lumps, and in the form of tots.

Ross: Ok, I'm off to talk to my unborn child. 

(Ross grabs for some food, Monica slaps his hand away.)

Monica: Ah!

Ross: Ok, Mom never hit.

(Ross exits.)

Phoebe: (stirring pot) Ok, all done.

Monica: What, Phoebe, did you whip the potatoes? Ross needs lumps!

Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry, oh, I just, I thought we could have them whipped and then add some peas and onions.

Monica: Why would we do that?

Phoebe: Well, 'cause then they'd be like my mom used to make them, you know, before she died.

Monica: Ok, three kinds of potatoes coming up.

Rachel: Ok, good-bye you guys. Thanks for everything. (she starts to leave, and hits everyone with her skis) Oh, sorry! Oh, sorry!

(Chandler enters, running.)

Chandler: The most unbelievable thing has happened. Underdog has just gotten away.

Joey: The balloon?

Chandler: No, no, the actual cartoon character. Of course the balloon. It's all over the news. Right before he reached Macy's, he broke free and was spotted flying over Washington Square Park. I'm goin' to the roof, who's with me?

Rachel: I can't, I gotta go.

Chandler: Come on. An 80-foot inflatable dog let loose over the city. How often does that happen?

Phoebe: Almost never.

Monica: Got the keys? or Got the keys!

Rachel: Ok.

(Everyone leaves the apartment.)

[Scene: Carol and Susan's, Ross is preparing to talk to her belly.]

Carol: Anytime you're ready.

Ross: Ok, ok, here we go. (he crouches down near her stomach) Ok, where am I talking to, here? I mean, uh, well, there is one way that seems to offer a certain acoustical advantage, but...

Carol: Just aim for the bump.

Ross: Ok, ok, ok, ok, here goes. You know, I, you know, can't do this. Uh, this is too weird. I feel stupid.

Carol: So don't do it, it's fine. You don't have to do it just because Susan does it.

Ross: (quickly talking) Hello, baby. Hello, hello.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the group is coming back from the roof.]

Rachel: I loved the moment when you first saw the giant dog shadow all over the park.

Phoebe: Yeah, but did they have to shoot him down? I mean, that was just mean.

Monica: Ok, right about now the turkey should be crispy on the outside, juicy on the inside. Why are we standing here?

Rachel: We're waiting for you to open the door. You got the keys.

Monica: No I don't.

Rachel: Yes, you do. When we left, you said, "got the keys."

Monica: No I didn't. I asked, "got the ke-eys?"

Rachel: No, no, no, you said, "got the keys".

Chandler: Do either of you have the keys?

Monica: (panicked) The oven is on.

Rachel: Oh, I gotta get my ticket!

Joey: Wait, wait, we have a copy of your key.

Monica: Well then get it, get it!

Joey: That tone will not make me go any faster.

Monica: (angry) Joey!

Joey: That one will. 

(Joey leaves to get the copy of the key.)

[Scene: Carol and Susan's, Carol is reading, Ross is talking to her stomach.]

Ross: And everyone's telling me, you gotta pick a major, you gotta pick a major. So, on a dare, I picked paleontology. And you have no idea what I'm saying, because, let's face it, you're a fetus. You're just happy you don't have gills anymore.

Carol: Look, you don't have to talk to it. You can sing to it if you want.

Ross: Oh, please. I am not singing to your stomach, ok?

(Susan enters.)

Susan: Hi, how's it goin?

Ross: Shh! (singing) Here we come, walkin' down the street, get the funniest looks from, everyone we meet. Hey, hey! (to Carol) Hey, uh, did you just feel that?

Carol: I did.

Ross: Does it always, uh--?

Carol: No, no that was the first.

Susan: Keep singing! Keep singing!

Ross: (singing) Hey, hey, you're my baby, and I can't wait to meet you. When you come out I'll buy you a bagel, and then we'll go to the zoo.

Susan: I felt it!

Ross: (singin) Hey, hey, I'm your daddy. I'm the one without any breasts.

[Scene: The Hallway, Joey has a tray full of keys, and is trying each one in the lock.]

Joey: Nope, not that one.

Monica: Can you go any faster with that?

Joey: Hey, I got one keyhole and about a zillion keys. You do the math.

Monica: Why do you guys have so many keys in there anyway?

Chandler: (sarcastic) For an emergency just like this.

Rachel: (grabs Chandler by the shirt) All right, listen, smirky. If it wasn't for you and your stupid balloon, I would be on a plane watching a woman do this (makes a gesture like a stewardess pointing out exits) right now. But I'm not.

Monica: I swear you said you had the keys.

Rachel: No, I didn't. I wouldn't say I had the keys unless I had the keys, and I obviously didn't have the keys.

Phoebe: Ooh, ok, that's it. Enough with the keys. No one say keys.

(Short pause.)

Monica: Why would I have the keys?

Rachel: Aside from the fact that you said you had them?

Monica: But I didn't.

Rachel: Well, you should have.

Monica: Why?

Rachel: Because!

Monica: Why?

Rachel: Because!

Monica: Why? Because everything is my responsibility? Isn't it enough that I'm making Thanksgiving dinner for everyone? You know, everyone wants a different kind of potatoes, so I'm making different kinds of potatoes. Does anybody care what kind of potatoes I want? Nooooo, no, no! (starting to cry) Just as long as Phoebe gets her peas and onions, and Mario gets his tots, and it's my first Thanksgiving, and it's all burned, and, and I... I...

Chandler: Ok, Monica, only dogs can hear you now, so, look, the door's open. Here we go.

(They walk in. Smoke fills the apartment.)

Monica: Well, the turkey's burnt. (checking pots) Potatoes are ruined, potatoes are ruined, potatoes are ruined.

(Ross enters, singing.)

Ross: Here we come, walkin' down the梩his doesn't smell like Mom's.

Monica: No, it doesn't, does it? But you wanted lumps, Ross? (picks up the pan of badly burnt potatoes) Well, here you go, buddy, ya got one.

Rachel: Oh, god, this is great! The plane is gone, so it looks like I'm stuck here with you guys.

Joey: Hey, we all had better plans. This was nobody's first choice.

Monica: Oh, really? So why was I busting my ass to make this delicious Thanksgiving dinner?

Joey: You call that delicious? 

(all shouting)

Monica: Stop it, stop it, stop it!

Chandler: Now this feels like Thanksgiving.

[Time lapse. Everyone is upset with each other. Phoebe is at the window.]

Phoebe: Ooh. 

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: Ugly Naked Guy's taking his turkey out of the oven. Oh my god. He's not alone. Ugly Naked Guy's having Thanksgiving dinner with Ugly Naked Gal.

(They all run to the window.)

Joey: I've gotta see this. All right Ugly Naked Guy!

Monica: Ooh, Ugly Naked Dancing!

Phoebe: It's nice that he has someone.

[Time lapse. The gang is around the table, eating grilled cheese sandwiches.]

Chandler: Shall I carve?

Rachel: By all means.

Chandler: Ok, who wants light cheese, and who wants dark cheese?

Ross: I don't even wanna know about the dark cheese.

Monica: (holding sandwich) Does anybody wanna split this with me?

Joey: Oh, I will.

Phoebe: Ooh, you guys have to make a wish.

Monica: Make a wish?

Phoebe: Come on, you know, Thanksgiving. Ooh, you got the bigger half. What'd you wish for?

Joey: The bigger half.

Chandler: I'd like to propose a toast. Little toast here, ding ding. I know this isn't the kind of Thanksgiving that all of you all planned, but for me, this has been really great, you know, I think because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting. Anyway, I was just thinking, I mean, if you'd gone to Vail, and if you guys'd been with your family, if you didn't have syphilis and stuff, we wouldn't be all together, you know? So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm very thankful that all of your Thanksgivings sucked.

All: That's so sweet.

Ross: And hey, here's to a lousy Christmas.

Rachel: And a crappy New Year.

Chandler: Here, here!

Closing Credits
[Scene: The Subway, Joey sees his poster and he peels off the caption on his poster, revealing more posters underneath. The captions read, as follows: 

Bladder Control Problem
Stop Wife Beating
Hemorrhoids?
Winner of 3 Tony Awards... 

He's finally happy with that and walks away.]

End


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The One With the Monkey

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Written by: Adam Chase & Ira Ungerleider
Transcribed by: guineapig


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.]

Ross: Guys? There's a somebody I'd like you to meet. 

(A monkey jumps on to his shoulder.)

All: Oooh!

Monica: W-wait. What is that?

Ross: 'That' would be Marcel. You wanna say hi?

Monica: No, no, I don't.

Rachel: Oh, he is precious! Where did you get him?

Ross: My friend Bethel rescued him from some lab.

Phoebe: That is so cruel! Why? Why would a parent name their child Bethel?

Chandler: Hey, that monkey's got a Ross on its ass!

Monica: Ross, is he gonna live with you, like, in your apartment?

Ross: Yeah. I mean, it's been kinda quiet since Carol left, so...

Monica: Why don't you just get a roommate?

Ross: Nah, I dunno... I think you reach a certain age, having a roommate is kinda pathe- (Realises) ....sorry, that's, that's 'pathet', which is Sanskrit for 'really cool way to live'.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is getting ready to sing. Joey is not there.]

Phoebe: So you guys, I'm doing all new material tonight. I have twelve new songs about my mother's suicide, and one about a snowman.

Chandler: Might wanna open with the snowman.

(Enter Joey)

All: Hey, Joey. Hey, buddy.

Monica: So, how'd it go?

Joey: Ahhhhhh, I didn't get the job.

Ross: How could you not get it? You were Santa last year.

Joey: I dunno. Some fat guy's sleeping with the store manager. He's not even jolly, it's all political.

Monica: So what are you gonna be?

Joey: Ah, I'm gonna be one of his helpers. It's just such a slap in the face, y'know?

Rachel: Hey, do you guys know what you're doing for New Year's? (They all protest and hit her with cushions) Gee, what?! What is wrong with New Year's?

Chandler: Nothing for you, you have Paolo. You don't have to face the horrible pressures of this holiday: desperate scramble to find anything with lips just so you can have someone to kiss when the ball drops!! Man, I'm talking loud!

Rachel: Well, for your information, Paolo is gonna be in Rome this New Year, so I'll be just as pathetic as the rest of you. 

Phoebe: Yeah, you wish!

Chandler: It's just that I'm sick of being a victim of this Dick Clark holiday. I say this year, no dates, we make a pact. Just the six of us- dinner.

All: Yeah, okay. Alright.

Chandler: Y'know, I was hoping for a little more enthusiasm. 

All: Woooo! Yeah!

Rachel: Phoebe, you're on.

Phoebe: Oh, oh, good.

Rachel: (Into microphone) Okay, hi. Ladies and gentlemen, back by popular demand, Miss Phoebe Buffay. Wooh!

Phoebe: (Takes mike) Thanks, hi. Um, I wanna start with a song that means a lot to me this time of year. (Shakes bell as an introduction) (Sung:) 

I made a man with eyes of coal
And a smile so bewitchin',
How was I supposed to know
That my mom was dead in the kitchen?
(shakes bell) La lalala la la la la lalala la la...

(Cut to later. Everyone is totally depressed by now.)

Phoebe: (Sung) 

...My mother's ashes
Even her eyelashes
Are resting in a little yellow jar,
And sometimes when it's breezy...

(Over the sound of Phoebe singing we hear two scientists, Max and David, having a noisy discussion)

Phoebe: (Sung) 

...I feel a little sneezy
And now I- (abruptly stops) 

Excuse me, excuse me! Yeah, noisy boys! (They stop talking and look up) Is it something that you would like to share with the entire group?

Max: No. No, that's- that's okay.

Phoebe: Well, c'mon, if it's important enough to discuss while I'm playing, then I assume it's important enough for everyone else to hear!

Chandler: (Quietly, to the others) That guy's going home with a note!

David: Noth- I was- I was just saying to my-

Phoebe: Could you speak up please?

David: (Stands up and speaks more loudly) Sorry, I wa- I was just saying to my friend that I thought you were the most beautiful woman that I'd ever seen in my- in my life. And then he said that- you said you thought

Max: Daryl Hannah.

David: Daryl Hannah was the most beautiful woman that he'd ever seen in his life and I said yeah, I liked her in Splash, a lot, but not so much in- in Wall Street, I thought she had kind of a 

Max: Hard quality.

David: -hard quality. And uh, while Daryl Hannah is beautiful in a conventional way, you are luminous with a kind of a delicate grace. Then, uh, that-that-that's when you started yelling. (Sits down)

Phoebe: Okay, we're gonna take a short break. (Goes over to their table)

Joey: Hey, that guy's going home with more than a note!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Joey is decorating for Christmas.]

Ross: Come here, Marcel. Sit here. (Marcel wanders off)

Rachel: Pheebs, I can't believe he hasn't kissed you yet. I mean God, by my sixth date with Paolo, I mean he had already named both my breasts! ...Ooh. Did I just share too much?

Ross: Just a smidge.

Phoebe: David's like, y'know, Scientist Guy. He's very methodical.

Monica: I think it's romantic.

Phoebe: Me too! Oh! Did you ever see An Officer and a Gentleman?

Rachel: Yeah!

Phoebe: Well, he's kinda like the guy I went to see that with. Except, except he-he's smarter, and gentler, and sweeter... I just- I just wanna be with him all the time. Day and night, and night and day... and special occasions... 

Chandler: Wait a minute, wait a minute, I see where this is going, you're gonna ask him to New Year's, aren't you. You're gonna break the pact. She's gonna break the pact.

Phoebe: No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, could I just?

Chandler: Yeah, 'cause I already asked Janice.

Monica: What?!

Ross: C'mon, this was a pact! This was your pact! 

Chandler: I snapped, okay? I couldn't handle the pressure and I snapped.

Monica: Yeah, but Janice? That-that was like the worst breakup in history!

Chandler: I'm not saying it was a good idea, I'm saying I snapped!

[Joey enters, his shoes have bells on, which jingle as he walks. He is wearing a long coat.]

Joey: Hi. Hi, sorry I'm late.

(He removes the coat to reveal an elf costume)

Chandler: Too many jokes... must mock Joey! 

Joey: Nice shoes, huh? (He wiggles his foot and the bells tinkle)

Chandler: Aah, y'killing me!

(Marcel knocks over some kitchen tools)

Monica: Ross! He's playing with my spatulas again!

Ross: Okay, look, he's not gonna hurt them, right?

Monica: Do you always have to bring him here?

Ross: I didn't wanna leave him alone. Alright? We- we had our first fight this morning. I think it has to do with my working late. I said some things that I didn't mean, and he- he threw some faeces...

Chandler: Y'know, if you're gonna work late, I could look in on him for you.

Ross: Oh, that'd be great! Okay, but if you do, make sure it seems like you're there to see him, okay, and you're not like doing it as a favour to me.

Chandler: Okay, but if he asks, I'm not going to lie.

[Scene: Max and David's lab, David is explaining something to Phoebe with the aid of a whiteboard.]

David: ...But, you can't actually test this theory, because today's particle accelerators are nowhere near powerful enough to simulate these conditions.

Phoebe: Okay, alright, I have a question, then. 

David: Yuh.

Phoebe: Um, were you planning on kissing me ever?

David: Uh, that's definitely a, uh, valid question. And, uh, the answer would be (Writes YES on the board) yes. Yes I was. But, see, I wanted it to be this phenomenal kiss that happened at this phenomenal moment, because, well, 'cause it's you.

Phoebe: Sure.

David: Right. But, see, the longer I waited, the more phenomenal the kiss had to be, and now we've reached a place where it's just gotta be one of those things where I just like... sweep everything off the table and throw you down on it. And, uh, I'm not really a, uh, sweeping sorta fella.

Phoebe: Oh, David, I, I think you are a sweeping sorta fella. I mean, you're a sweeper! ...trapped inside a physicist's body.

David: Rrrreally.

Phoebe: Oh, yeah, oh, I'm sure of it. You should just do it, just sweep and throw me. 

David: ...Now? Now?

Phoebe: Oh yeah, right now.

David: Okay, okay, okay. (Gets ready to sweep, and then picks up a laptop computer) Y'know what, this was just really expensive. (Puts it down elsewhere. Then picks up a microscope) And I'll take- this was a gift. (Moves it)

Phoebe: Okay, now you're just kinda tidying. 

David: Okay, what the hell, what the hell. (Sweeps the remaining papers off the desk and grabs Phoebe) You want me to actually throw you or you-you wanna just hop?

Phoebe: I can hop. (She hops onto the table)

(They kiss, finally)

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]

Ross: So tell me something. What does the phrase 'no date pact' mean to you?

Monica: I'm sorry, okay. It's just that Chandler has somebody, and Phoebe has somebody- I thought I'd ask Fun Bobby.

Chandler: Fun Bobby? Your ex-boyfriend Fun Bobby?

Monica: Yeah.

Joey: You know more than one Fun Bobby?

Chandler: I happen to know a Fun Bob.

Rachel: (Brings Joey a mug of coffee) Okay, here we go...

Joey: Ooh ooh ooh ooh, there's no room for milk!

Rachel: (Glances at Joey and then sips his coffee) There. Now there is.

Ross: Okay, so on our no-date evening, three of you now have dates.

Joey: Uh, four.

Ross: Four.

Rachel: Five.

Ross: Five. (Buries his head in his hands)

Rachel: Sorry. Paolo's catching an earlier flight.

Joey: Yeah, and I met this really hot single mom at the store. What's an elf to do?

Ross: Okay, so I'm gonna be the only one standing there alone when the ball drops?

Rachel: Oh, c'mon. We'll have, we'll have a big party, and no-one'll know who's with who.

Ross: Hey, y'know, this is so not what I needed right now.

Monica: What's the matter?

Ross: Oh, it's-it's Marcel. He keeps shutting me out, y'know? He's walking around all the time dragging his hands... 

Chandler: That's so weird, I had such a blast with him the other night.

Ross: Really.

Chandler: Yeah, we played, we watched TV.. that juggling thing is amazing.

Ross: What, uh... what juggling thing?

Chandler: With the balled-up socks? I figured you taught him that.

Ross: No.

Chandler: Y'know, it wasn't that big a deal. He just balled up socks... and a melon...

(Max runs in)

Max: Phoebe. Hi. 

Phoebe: Oh, hi Max! Hey, do you know everybody?

Max: No. Have you seen David?

Phoebe: No, no, he hasn't been around.

Max: Well, if you see him, tell him to pack his bags. We are going to Minsk.

Phoebe: Minsk?

Max: Minsk. It's in Russia.

Phoebe: I know where Minsk is.

Max: We got the grant. Three years, all expenses paid.

Phoebe: So when, when do you leave?

Max: January first.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Max and David's lab, they are working. Phoebe knocks on the door]

Phoebe: Hello?

David: Hey!

Phoebe: Hi.

David: Hi! (Kisses her) What-what're you doing here?

Phoebe: Um, well, Max told me about Minsk, so (Puts on a fake cheery voice) congratulations! This is so exciting!

Max: It'd be even more exciting if we were going.

Phoebe: Oh, you're not going? (Fake disappointed voice) Oh, why?

Max: Tell her, David. 'I don't wanna go to Minsk and work with Lifson and Yamaguchi and Flench, on nonononononono. I wanna stay here and make out with my girlfriend!!' (Storms out)

David: Thank you, Max. Thank you.

Phoebe: So-so you're really not going?

David: I don't know. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I just- you decide.

Phoebe: Oh don't do that.

David: Please.

Phoebe: Oh no no.

David: No, but I'm asking-

Phoebe: Oh, but I can't do that-

David: No, but I can't-

Phoebe: It's your thing, and-

David: -make the decision-

Phoebe: Okay, um, stay.

David: Stay.

Phoebe: Stay.

(He thinks for a moment and sweeps the stuff off the table)

Phoebe: Getting so good at that! (She hops on)

David: It was Max's stuff. (They kiss)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the party has started.]

Janice: I love this artichoke thing! Oh, don't tell me what's in it, the diet starts tomorrow! (Laughs her Janice laugh)

Chandler: You remember Janice.

Monica: Vividly.

(Someone knocks on the door; Monica gets it)

Monica: Hi.

Sandy: Hi, I'm Sandy.

Joey: Sandy! Hi! C'mon in! (She enters, followed by a young boy and a younger girl)...You brought your kids.

Sandy: Yeah. That's okay, right?

(Joey and Monica look at each other and shrug. Ross enters with Marcel on his shoulder)

Ross: Par-tay! 

Monica: That thing is not coming in here.

Ross: 'That thing'? This is how you greet guests at a party? Let me ask you something, if I showed up here with my new girlfriend, she wouldn't be welcome in your home?

Monica: I'm guessing your new girlfriend wouldn't urinate on my coffee table.

Ross: Okay. He was more embarrassed about that than anyone. Okay? And for him to have the courage to walk back in here like nothing happened...

Monica: Alright. Just keep him away from me.

Ross: Thank you. (She walks off) C'mon, Marcel, whaddya say you and I do a little mingling? (Marcel runs off) Alright, I'll, uh... catch up with you later.

(The door opens. Rachel is standing there. Her coat is muddy and torn, her hair is dishevelled and her face is bruised. Everyone turns to look)

Monica: Oh my gosh! Rachel, honey.. are you okay? Where-where's Paolo?

Rachel: Rome. Jerk missed his flight.

Phoebe: And then... your face is bloated?

Rachel: No. Okay. I was at the airport, getting into a cab, when this woman- this blonde planet with a pocketbook- starts yelling at me. Something about how it was her cab first. And then the next thing I know she just starts- starts pulling me out by my hair! So I'm blowing my attack whistle thingy and three more cabs show up, and as I'm going to get into a cab she tackles me. And I hit my head on the kerb and cut my lip on my whistle...oh...everybody having fun at the party? (To Monica) Are people eating my dip?

[Time lapse. Monica and Rachel, fixed up somewhat, emerge from a bedroom]

Sandy: Y'know, when I saw you at the store last week, it was probably the first time I ever mentally undressed an elf.

Joey: Wow, that's, uh, dirty.

Sandy: Yeah.

(They almost kiss and then Joey realises her kids are staring at them)

Joey: Hey, kids...

Ross: (Watching Marcel play with Phoebe. To Chandler) Look at him. I'm not saying he has to spend the whole evening with me, but at least check in.

Janice: (Startles them) There you are! Haaah, you got away from me!

Chandler: (Imitating) But you found me!

Janice: Here, Ross, take our picture. (Hands him a camera and he starts snapping) Smile! You're on Janice Camera!

Chandler: Kill me. Kill me now. 

(Someone else knocks on the door. Monica looks through the spyhole)

Monica: Hey everybody! It's Fun Bobby!

(Everyone cheers. Monica opens the door. Bobby is obviously very depressed)

Fun Bobby: Hey, sorry I'm late. But my, uh, grandfather, he- died about two hours ago. But I-I-I couldn't get a flight out 'til tomorrow, so here I am!

Joey: (Approaching) Hey Fun Bobby! Whoah! Who died?

(Monica gestures wildly behind Fun Bobby's back) 

[Time lapse. Bobby is talking about his grandfather. Everyone else is virtually in tears]

Fun Bobby: It's gonna be an open casket, y'know, so at least I'll- I get to see him again.

Janice: (Ross is still taking their photo) Oh, I'm gonna blow this one up, and I'm gonna write 'Reunited' in glitter.

Chandler: Alright, Janice, that's it! Janice... Janice... Hey, Janice, when I invited you to this party I didn't necessarily think that it meant that we-

Janice: Oh, no. Oh, no.

Chandler: I'm sorry you misunderstood...

Janice: Oh my God. You listen to me, Chandler, you listen to me. One of these times is just gonna be your last chance with me. (She runs off)

(Ross is still taking photos)

Chandler: Oh, will you give me the thing. (Snatches the camera)

(David is feeding Phoebe popcorn. Max walks up)

Phoebe: Hi, Max!

Max: Yoko. (To David) I've decided to go to Minsk without you.

David: Wow.

Max: It won't be the same- but it'll still be Minsk. Happy New Year.(Walks off)

Phoebe: Are you alright?

David: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. 

(Phoebe leads David into a bedroom)

Phoebe: You're going to Minsk.

David: No, I'm... not going to Minsk.

Phoebe: Oh, you are so going to Minsk. You belong in Minsk. You can't stay here just 'cause of me.

David: Yes I can. Because if I go it means I have to break up with you, and I can't break up with you.

Phoebe: Oh yes, yes, yes you can. Just say, um, 'Phoebe, my work is my life and that's what I have to do right now'. And I say 'your work?! Your work?! How can you say that?!'. And then you say, um, 'it's tearing me apart, but I have no choice. Can't you understand that?'. And I say (Hits him) 'no! No! I can't understand that!'.

David: Uh, ow.

Phoebe: Ooh, sorry. Um, and, and then you put your arms around me. And then you put your arms around me. (He does so) And, um, and then you tell me that you love me and you'll never forget me.

David: I'll never forget you.

Phoebe: And then you say that it's almost midnight and you have to go because you don't wanna start the new year with me if you can't finish it. (They kiss) I'm gonna miss you. You scientist guy.

Dick Clark: (on TV) Hi, this is Dick Clark, live in Times Square. We're in a virtual snowstorm of confetti here in Times Square...

(Joey puts a blanket over Sandy's kids)

Joey: There y'go, kids.

Chandler: (To a woman who he has clearly just met) And then the peacock bit me. (Laughs) Please kiss me at midnight. (She leaves)

Joey: You seen Sandy?

Chandler: Ooh. Uh, I don't know how to tell you this, but she's in Monica's bedroom, getting it on with Max, that scientist geek. Ooh, look at that, I did know how to tell you.

Rachel: Vrrbddy, the bll is drrbing.

All: (in the kitchen) What?

Rachel: The bll is drrbing!

Dick Clark: (on TV) In twenty seconds it'll be midnight...

Chandler: And the moment of joy is upon us.

Joey: Looks like that no date pact thing worked out.

Phoebe: Everybody looks so happy. I hate that.

Monica: Not everybody's happy. Hey Bobby!

(Bobby waves and then bursts into tears. Midnight comes and everyone at the party except for the gang cheers and kisses)

Chandler: Y'know, I uh.. just thought I'd throw this out here. I'm no math whiz, but I do believe there are three girls and three guys right here. (Makes kiss noise)

Phoebe: I dunno. I don't feel like kissing anyone tonight.

Rachel: I can't kiss anyone.

Monica: So I'm kissing everyone?

Joey: Nonono, you can't kiss Ross, that's your brother.

Ross: Perfect. Perfect. So now everybody's getting kissed but me.

Chandler: Alright, somebody kiss me. Somebody kiss me, it's midnight! Somebody kiss me!

Joey: Alrightalrightalright. (Kisses him. Ross takes a photo) There.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, time lapse.]

Ross: (Watching Marcel and talking to Rachel) I wanted this to work so much. I mean I'm still in there, changing his diapers, pickin' his fleas... but he's just phoning it in. Just so hard to accept the fact that something you love so much doesn't love you back.

Rachel: ...I think that bitch cracked my tooth.

End


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The One With Mrs. Bing

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Written by: Alexa Junge
Transcribed by: guineapig


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[Scene: A Street: Monica and Phoebe are walking to a newsstand.]

Phoebe: Do you think they have yesterday's daily news?

Monica: Why?

Phoebe: Just wanna check my horoscope, see if it was right.

Monica: Oh my God. (Grabs Phoebe and turns her away) Phoebe. Don't look now, but behind us is a guy who has the potential to break our hearts and plunge us into a pit of depression. 

Phoebe: Where? (Turns to face him) Ooh, come to Momma.

Monica: He's coming. Be cool, be cool, be cool.

(The guy walks past them)

Guy: Nice hat.

Monica and Phoebe: (in unison) Thanks.

(The guy walks on)

Phoebe: We should do something. Whistle.

Monica: We are not going to whistle.

Phoebe: Come on, do it.

Monica: No!

Phoebe: Do it!

Monica: No!

Phoebe: Do it do it do it!

Monica: (Shouts to the guy) Woo-woo!

(The guy turns round, startled. Monica points to Phoebe. The guy gets hit by a truck)

Phoebe: I can't believe you did that!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Hospital, the guy is in a coma and Mon and Pheebs are visiting.]

Monica: Why did I 'woo-hoo'? I mean, what was I hoping would happen? That-that he'd turn round and say 'I love that sound, I must have you now'?

Phoebe: I just wish there was something we could do. (Bends down and talks to him) Hello. Hello, Coma Guy. GET UP, YOU GIRL SCOUT! UP! UP! UP!

Monica: Phoebe, what are you doing?

Phoebe: Maybe nobody's tried this.

Monica: I wish we at least knew his name... Look at that face. I mean, even sleeping, he looks smart. I bet he's a lawyer.

Phoebe: Yeah, but did you see the dents in his knuckles? That means he's artistic.

Monica: Okay, he's a lawyer, who teaches sculpting on the side. And- he can dance!

Phoebe: Oh! And, he's the kinda guy who, when you're talking, he's listening, y'know, and not saying 'Yeah, I understand' but really wondering what you look like naked.

Monica: I wish all guys could be like him.

Phoebe: I know.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe are telling everyone about their coma guy.]

Chandler: Are there no conscious men in the city for you two?

Monica: He doesn't have anyone.

Phoebe: Yeah, we-we feel kinda responsible.

Joey: I can't believe you said woowoo. I don't even say woowoo.

Rachel: Oh, she's coming up! She's coming up! (Turns on the TV)

Jay Leno: (on TV) Folks, when we come back we'll be talking about her new book, 'Euphoria Unbound': the always interesting Nora Tyler Bing. You might wanna put the kids to bed for this one.

(Everyone has settled down to watch, except Chandler)

Chandler: Y'know, we don't have to watch this. Weekend At Bernie's is on Showtime, HBO, and Cinemax.

Rachel: No way, forget it.

Joey: C'mon, she's your mom!

Chandler: Exactly. Weekend At Bernie's! Dead guy getting hit in the groin twenty, thirty times! No?

Rachel: Chandler, I gotta tell you, I love your mom's books! I love her books! I cannot get on a plane without one! I mean, this is so cool!

Chandler: Yeah, well, you wouldn't think it was cool if you're eleven years old and all your friends are passing around page 79 of 'Mistress Bitch.'

Ross: C'mon, Chandler, I love your mom. I think she's a blast.

Chandler: You can say that because she's not your mom.

Ross: Oh, please...

(Rachel opens the door to Paolo)

Paolo: Bona sera.

Rachel: Oh, hi sweetie. (They kiss)

Ross: When did Rigatoni get back from Rome?

Monica: Last night.

Ross: Ah, so then his plane didn't explode in a big ball of fire?... Just a dream I had- but, phew.

Phoebe: Hey hey hey! She's on!

Paolo: Ah! Nora Bing!

Jay Leno: (on TV) ...Now what is this about you-you being arrested i-in London? What is that all about?

Phoebe: Your mom was arrested?

Chandler: Shhh, busy beaming with pride.

Mrs. Bing: (on TV) ...This is kind of embarrassing, but occasionally after I've been intimate with a man...

Chandler: Now why would she say that's embarrassing?

All: Shhh.

Mrs. Bing: (on TV) ...I just get this craving for Kung Pow Chicken.

Chandler: THAT'S TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!

Jay Leno: (on TV) Alright, so now you're doing this whole book tour thing, how is that going?

Mrs. Bing: (on TV) Oh, fine. I'm leaving for New York tomorrow, which I hate- but I get to see my son, who I love...

All: Awww!

Chandler: This is the way that I find out. Most moms use the phone.

Jay Leno: (on TV) Y'know, don't take this wrong, I-I just don't see you a-as a mom, somehow.. I don't mean that, I don't mean that bad...

Mrs. Bing: (on TV) Oh no, I am a fabulous mom! I bought my son his first condoms.

(The gang turn to look at Chandler)

Chandler: ...And then he burst into flames.

[Scene: The Hospital, it's a montage of Monica and Phoebe's visit to the hospital with My Guy playing in the background.  It starts with Monica reading a newspaper to him.]

Monica: Let's see. Congress is debating a new deficit reduction bill... the mayor wants to raise subway fares again... the high today was forty-five... and- oh, teams played sports.

[Next is a shot of them dragging an enormous plant into the room, then Monica knitting a sweater, then Phoebe singing, then Phoebe shaving him and chatting to Monica]

Phoebe: What about Glen? He could be a Glen. 

Monica: Nah... not-not special enough.

Phoebe: Ooh! How about Agamemnon?

Monica: Waaay too special.

[Scene: A Mexican Restaurant, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler and his mom are there.]

Mrs. Bing: I am famished. What do I want... (Looks at Chandler's menu)

Chandler: Please God don't let it be Kung Pow Chicken.

Mrs. Bing: Oh, you watched the show! What'd you think?

Chandler: Well, I think you need to come out of your shell just a little.

Ross: (Entering) What is this dive? Only you could've picked this place.

Mrs. Bing: Oooh, c'mon, shut up, it's fun. Gimme a hug. (They both sit down) Well, I think we're ready for some tequila.

Chandler: I know I am.

Mrs. Bing: Who's doing shots?

Monica: Yeah.

Phoebe: I'm in.

Mrs. Bing: There y'go. Ross?

Ross: Uh, I'm not really a shot drinking kinda guy.

(Enter Rachel and Paolo. They are both somewhat flustered)

Rachel: Hi! Sorry- sorry we're late, we, uh, kinda just, y'know, lost track of time.

Ross: ...But a man can change. (Downs a shot)

[Time lapse. Ross is now clearly drunk. He is holding up a shot glass to his eye like a jeweller's eye.]

Ross: Anyone want me to appraise anything?

(Rachel feeds something to Paolo. He eats it and licks her hand)

Rachel: Mrs. Bing, I have to tell you, I've read everything you've ever written. No, I mean it! I mean, when I read Euphoria at Midnight, all I wanted to do was become a writer.

Mrs. Bing: Oh, please, honey, listen, if I can do it, anybody can. You just start with half a dozen European cities, throw in thirty euphemisms for male genitalia, and bam! You have got yourself a book.

Chandler: Myyy mother, ladies and gentlemen.

[Cut to Mrs. Bing on the telephone.]

Mrs. Bing: Yeah, any messages for room 226?

(Ross emerges from a toilet marked 'Chicas')

Mrs. Bing: You okay there, slugger?

Ross: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. (A woman emerges from the toilet behind him and he tries to pretend he was in the other one)

Mrs. Bing: What is with you tonight?

Ross: Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing.

Mrs. Bing: (To phone) Okay, thank you. (To Ross) It's the Italian Hand-Licker, isn't it.

Ross: No. It's the one he's licking.

Mrs. Bing: She's supposed to be with you.

Ross: You're good.

Mrs. Bing: Oh, Ross, listen to me. I have sold a hundred million copies of my books, and y'know why?

Ross: The girl on the cover with her nipples showing?

Mrs. Bing: No. Because I know how to write men that women fall in love with. Believe me, I cannot sell a Paolo. People will not turn three hundred twenty-five pages for a Paolo. C'mon, the guy's a secondary character, a, y'know, complication you eventually kill off.

Ross: When?

Mrs. Bing: He's not a hero. ...You know who our hero is.

Ross: The guy on the cover with his nipples showing?

Mrs. Bing: No, it's you!

Ross: Please.

Mrs. Bing: No, really, c'mon. You're smart, you're sexy...

Ross: Right.

Mrs. Bing: You are gonna be fine, believe me.

(She kisses him on the cheek)

Ross: Uh-oh...

(...Then full on the mouth)

(Enter Joey)

Joey: Uhhhh.... I'll just pee in the street.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the next morning. Joey is getting the door in his dressing gown梚t's Ross.]

Ross: Hey, is Chandler here?

Joey: Yeah.

(Ross drags Joey into the hall and slams the door)

Ross: Okay, uh, about last night, um, Chandler.. you didn't tell... (Joey shakes his head) Okay, 'cause I'm thinking- we don't need to tell Chandler, I mean, it was just a kiss, right? One kiss? No big deal? Right?

Joey: Right. No big deal.

Ross: Okay. 

Joey: In Bizarro World!! You broke the code!

Ross: What code?

Joey: You don't kiss your friend's mom! Sisters are okay, maybe a hot-lookin' aunt... but not a mom, never a mom!

(Chandler opens the door and startles them. He picks up the paper)

Chandler: What are you guys doing out here?

Ross: Uh.. uh.. Well, Joey and I had discussed getting in an early morning racquetball game. But, um, apparently, somebody overslept.

Joey: Yeah, well, you don't have your racket.

Ross: No, no I don't, because it's being restrung, somebody was supposed to bring me one.

Joey: Yeah, well you didn't call and leave your grip size.

Chandler: Okay, you guys spend waaaay too much time together. (Goes back inside and shuts the door)

Ross: Okay, I'm scum, I'm scum.

Joey: Ross, how could you let this happen?

Ross: I don't know, God, I... well, it's not like she's a regular mom, y'know? She's, she's sexy, she's...

Joey: You don't think my mom's sexy?

Ross: Well... not in the same way...

Joey: I'll have you know that Gloria Tribbiani was a handsome woman in her day, alright? You think it's easy giving birth to seven children?

Ross: Okay, I think we're getting into a weird area here...

(Monica and Rachel's door opens and Rachel and Paolo emerge)

Rachel: Hey.

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: What're you guys doing out here?

Ross: Well, not playing raquetball!

Joey: He forgot to leave his grip size!

Ross: He didn't get the goggles!

Rachel: Well,sounds like you two have issues.

(She and Paolo walk a little way down the hall)

Rachel: Goodbye, baby.

Paolo: Ciao, bela.

(They kiss. Ross is watching them)

Ross: Do they wait for me to do this?

(Joey and Ross go into Monica and Rachel's apartment)

Joey: So are you gonna tell him?

Ross: Why would I tell him?

Joey: How about 'cause if you don't, his mother might.

Ross: Oh...

Monica: (Entering) What are you guys doing here?

Joey: Uhhhh.... he's not even wearing a jockstrap!

Monica: ...What did I ask?

[Scene: Hospital. Phoebe is there stroking Coma Guy's hair, when Monica enters with a bunch of balloons.]

Monica: Hi.

Phoebe: Hi.

Monica: What are you doing here?

Phoebe: Nothing, I just thought I'd stop by.. y'know, after the uh... that I.. y'know, so what are you doing here?

Monica: I'm not really here. Just thought I'd drop these off...on the way.. my way... Do you come here a lot? Without me?

Phoebe: No. (Monica brushes Coma Guy's hair in the other direction) No! No! ...So, um, do you think he's doing any better than he was this morning?

Monica: How would I know? I-I wasn't here.

Phoebe: Really? Not even to, um, change his PAJAMAS?! (Whips back the sheet to reveal him wearing new pajamas.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is talking to Chandler. Joey is making a snack at the bar.]

Chandler: Oh my God. 

Ross: You're my friend. I-I had to tell you.

Chandler: I can't believe it. Paolo kissed my mom?

Ross: Yeah, um, I don't know if you noticed, but he had a lot to drink, and you know how he gets when he's drun..uh... (He has caught sight of Joey scowling at him) I can't do this, I did it, it was me, I'm sorry, I kissed your mom.

Chandler: What?

Ross: I was really upset about Rachel and Paolo, and I think I had too much tequila, and Nora- um, Mrs. Mom- your Bing- was just being nice, y'know, and- But nothing happened, nothing- Ask Joey, Joey, uh, came in-

Chandler: (To Joey) You knew about this?

Joey: Uh... y'know, knowledge is a tricky thing.

Chandler: I spent the entire day with you, why didn't you tell me?!

Joey: Hey, hey, hey, you're lucky I caught them when I did, or else who knows what woulda happened.

Ross: Thanks, man, big help.

Chandler: (To Ross) I can't believe this! What the hell were you thinking?

Ross: I wasn't- I mean, I-

Chandler: Y'know, of all my friends, no-one knows the crap I go through with my mom more than you. 

Ross: I know-

Chandler: I can't believe you did this. (Walks toward the door)

Ross: Chandler-

Joey: Me neither, y'know what-

Chandler: I'm still mad at you for not telling me.

Joey: What are you mad at me for?!

Ross: Chandler-

Chandler: You gotta let me slam the door! (Leaves; slams the door)

Joey: (Shouting after him) Chandler, I didn't kiss her, he did! (To Ross) See what happens when you break the code?

Ross: Joey-

Joey: Ah! (Points to door) Huh? (Leaves and slams the door)

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except for Chandler.  Rachel is writing something and Monica walks up.]

Monica: Hey.

Rachel: Hey.

Monica: (Reading) 'A Woman Undone, by Rachel Karen Green'. 

Rachel: Yeah. Thought I'd give it a shot. I'm still on the first chapter. Now, do you think his 'love stick can be liberated from its denim prison'?

Monica: (Reads) Yeah, I'd say so. And there's no 'j' in 'engorged'.

Phoebe: (Walks up with her guitar) Hey Rach.

Rachel: Hey.

Phoebe: Hello.

Monica: Hello. 

Phoebe: Going to the hospital tonight?

Monica: No, you?

Phoebe: No, you?

Monica: You just asked me.

Phoebe: Okay, maybe it was a trick question. (Plays a few chords) Um, Rachel can we do this now?

Rachel: Okay. (Writes a little more) I am so hot!

Joey: (To Ross, on the couch) Now, here's a picture of my mother and father on their wedding day. Now you tell me she's not a knockout.

Ross: I cannot believe we're having this conversation.

Joey: C'mon! Just try to picture her not pregnant, that's all.

Rachel: (Into microphone) Central Perk is proud to present Miss Phoebe Buffay.

Phoebe: Thanks. Hi, um, 'kay. I'd like to start with a song that's about a man that I recently met, who's, um, come to be very important to me. (Monica gives her a look) 'Kay. (Sung:) 

You don't have to be awake to be my man,
As long as you have brainwaves I'll be there to hold your hand.
Though we just met the other day, 
There's something I have got to say...

(She sees Monica sneaking out) Okay, thank you very much, I'm gonna take a short break! (Runs out, knocking over the mike stand)

Rachel: (Into mike) Okay, that was Phoebe Buffay, everybody. Woo!

(Enter Chandler)

Chandler: What was that?

Ross: Oh, uh, Phoebe just started a...

Chandler: Yeah, I believe I was talking to Joey, alright there, Mother-Kisser? (Goes to the counter)

Joey: (Laughing) Mother-Kisser... (Sees Ross's look) I'll shut up.

Ross: Chandler, can I just say something? I-I know you're still mad at me, I just wanna say that there were two people there that night. Okay? Two sets of lips.

Chandler: Yes, well, I expect this from her. Okay? She's always been a Freudian nightmare. 

Ross: Okay, well, if she always behaves like this, why don't you say something?

Chandler: Because it's complicated, it's complex- Hey, you kissed my mom!

(People turn to look)

Ross: (To the rest of Central Perk) We're rehearsing a Greek play.

Chandler: That's very funny. We done now?

Ross: No! Okay, you mean, you're not gonna talk to her, you're not gonna tell her how you feel?

Chandler: That would be no. Look, just because you played tonsil tennis with my mom doesn't mean you know her. Alright? Trust me, you can't talk to her.

Ross: Okay, 'you' can't, or (Points to Chandler) you can't? (Chandler grabs his finger) Okay, that's my finger. (Chandler twists it and Ross goes down on one knee) That's, that's my knee. (To Central Perk) Still doing the play. Aaah!

[Scene: The Coma Guy's Room, Monica bursts in, closely followed by Phoebe. There is no sign of Coma Guy.  His bed is empty.]

Phoebe: Alright, whadyou do with him?

(There is the sound of a flushing toilet and Coma Guy emerges from the bathroom)

Monica: Oh! You're awake!

Phoebe: Look at you! How, how do you feel?

Coma Guy: Uh, a little woozy, but basically okay.

Monica: You look good!

Coma Guy: I feel good! ...Who are you?

Monica: Oh, sorry.

Phoebe: I'm Phoebe Buffay.

Monica: I'm Monica Geller. I've been taking care of you.

Phoebe: Well, we both have.

Coma Guy: So, the Etch-a-Sketch is from you guys?

Phoebe: Well, actually it's just from me.

Monica: I got you the foot massager.

Phoebe: You know who shaved you? That was me.

Monica: I read to you.

Phoebe: I sang. (To Monica) Hah!

Coma Guy: Well,... thanks.

Monica: Oh, my pleasure.

Phoebe: You're welcome.

Coma Guy: So. I guess I'll see you around.

Phoebe: What, that's it? 

Monica: "See you around?"

Coma Guy: Well, what do you want me to say?

Monica: Oh, I don't know. Maybe, um, "That was nice?" Admit something to me? "I'll call you?" 

Coma Guy: Alright, I'll call you.

Phoebe: I don't think you mean that.

Monica: This is so typical. Y'know, we give, and we give, and we give. And then- we just get nothing back! And then one day, y'know, it's just, you wake up, and "See you around!" Let's go, Phoebe.

Phoebe: Y'know what? We thought you were different. But I guess it was just the coma.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's Chandler is talking with his mom.]

Mrs. Bing: Car's waiting downstairs, I just wanted to drop off these copies of my book for your friends. Anything you want from Lisbon?

Chandler: No, just knowing you're gonna be there is enough.

Mrs. Bing: Alright, well, be good, I love you. (Kisses him and goes to leave)

Chandler: You kissed my best Ross! ...Or something to that effect.

Mrs. Bing: (Reentering) O-kay. Look, it, it was stupid.

Chandler: Really stupid.

Mrs. Bing: Really stupid. And I don't even know how it happened. I'm sorry, honey, I promise it will never happen again. Are we okay now?

Chandler: Yeah. No. No...

[Cut to the hallway, Joey is listening to Chandler and his mom's conversation through the door as Ross walks up.]

Ross: Ah, the forbidden love of a man and his door.

Joey: Shh. He did it. He told her off, and not just about the kiss, about everything.

Ross: You're kidding.

Joey: No, no. He said "When are you gonna grow up and start being a mom?"

Ross: Wow!

Joey: Then she came back with "The question is, when are you gonna grow up and realise I have a bomb?"

Ross: 'Kay, wait a minute, are you sure she didn't say "When are you gonna grow up and realise I am your mom?"

Joey: That makes more sense.

Ross: So, what's going on now?

Joey: I dunno, I've been standing here spelling it out for you! (Goes back to the door) I don't hear anything. Oh, wait, wait, wait. (Looks through the spyhole)

Ross: Whaddya see?

Joey: Hard to tell, they're so tiny and upside-down. Wait, wait. They're walking away... they're walking away... No, no they're not, they're coming right at us! Run! Run!

(Joey runs off down the hall. Ross tries Monica and Rachel's apartment, but it is locked so he has to stand in the hall and pretend he wasn't listening. Chandler and his mom come out)

Mrs. Bing: You okay, kiddo?

Chandler: Yeah, okay.

Mrs. Bing: Alright. (Kisses him)

Chandler: Nice save.

(She walks down the hall)

Ross: (Very politely) Mrs. Bing.

Mrs. Bing: Mr. Geller.

(She leaves)

(Ross knocks on Monica and Rachel's door)

Chandler: Hey.

Ross: You mean that?

Chandler: Yeah, why not. (They shake hands) So I told her.

Ross: Yeah? How'd it go?

Chandler: Awful. Awful. Couldn'ta gone worse. 

Ross: Well, howdya feel?

Chandler: Pretty good! I told her.

Ross: Well, see? So, maybe it wasn't such a bad idea, y'know, me kissing your mom, uh? Huh? (Wags his finger at Chandler, then puts it down) But.. we don't have to go down that road.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is handing out copies of her book to the gang.]

Rachel: Okay. Now this is just the first chapter, and I want your absolute honest opinion. Oh, oh, and on page two, he's not 'reaching for her heaving beasts'.

Monica: What's a 'niffle'?

Joey: You usually find them on the 'heaving beasts'.

Rachel: Alright, alright, so I'm not a great typist...

Ross: Wait, did you get to the part about his 'huge throbbing pens'? Tell ya, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those!

Rachel: Alright, that's it! Give it back! That's it!

All: Nooo! 

End


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The One With the Dozen Lasagnas

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Written by: Jeffrey Astrof, Mike Sikowitz, Adam Chase & Ira Ungerleider
Transcribed by: Jim & Tracy Lambers
With Minor Adjustments by: Dan Silverstein


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[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there. Ross working on crossword puzzle, starts humming theme from The Odd Couple. Chandler joins in, followed by Monica and Phoebe, then the whole gang. Ross starts humming theme from I Dream Of Jeannie.]

Chandler: No-no-no-no, we're done.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is on the phone in the kitchen.]

Monica: Aunt Syl, stop yelling! All I'm saying is that if you had told me vegetarian lasagna, I would have made vegetarian lasagna. (pauses, listens to person on phone) Well, the meat's only every third layer, maybe you could scrape.

(Camera moves to Chandler, Phoebe, Ross, and Joey sitting in living room)

Joey: Ross, did you really read all these baby books?

Ross: Yup! You could plunk me down in the middle of any woman's uterus, no compass, and I can find my way out of there like that! (snaps fingers)

Phoebe: Ooh, this is cool...it says in some parts of the world, people actually eat the placenta. (Joey grimaces)

Chandler: And, we're done with the yogurt. (Sets yogurt down on table)

Phoebe: (softly) Sorry. (Camera pans back to Monica, still on phone)

Monica: Aunt Syl, I did this as a favor, I am not a caterer. What do you want me to do with a dozen lasagnas? (listens to Aunt Syl on phone, looks shocked) Nice talk, Aunt Syl. (in New York accent) You kiss Uncle Freddie with that mouth?

(Camera pans back to group in living room)

Joey: Hey Ross, listen, you know that right now, your baby's only this big? (measures about 2 inches with his thumb and index finger) This is your baby. (in baby-like voice) Hi Daddy! 

Ross: (waves) Hello!

Joey: (in baby-like voice) How come you don't live with Mommy? (pause; shows Ross less than amused) How come Mommy lives with that other lady? (pause; Ross still looks less than amused; Joey smiling) What's a lesbian? (playfully hits Ross)

(Rachel enters with Paolo, speaking Italian. Ross looks annoyed)

Rachel: Honey, you can say it, Poconos, Poconos, it's like Poc-o-nos (touching Paolo's nose with forefinger with each syllable)

Paolo: Ah, poke (Paolo touches Rachel's nose) a (touches nose again) nose, mmm (they rub noses, then kisses her)

Joey, Chandler, and Ross: (sitting in living room, imitating Paolo) Mma, Mma, Mmaah

(Camera pans to Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe in the kitchen)

Monica: So, did I hear Poconos?

Rachel: Yes, my sister's giving us her place for the weekend.

Phoebe: Woo-hoo, first weekend away together!

Monica: Yeah, that's a big step.

Rachel: I know...

(Camera pans to Ross, looking dejected)

Chandler: (to Ross) Ah, it's just a weekend, big deal!

Ross: Wasn't this supposed to be just a fling, huh? Shouldn't it be...(makes flinging motions with hands) flung by now?

(Camera pans back to Rachel)

Rachel: I mean, we are way past the fling thing, I mean, I am feeling things that I've only read about in Danielle Steele books, you know? I mean, when I'm with him, I'm totally, totally...

(Camera pans to Ross, holding his stomach)

Ross: ...nauseous, I'm physically nauseous. What am I supposed to do, huh? Call immigration? (pauses, looks suddenly inspired) I could call immigration!

[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Joey leaving girls' apartment, carrying lasagna.]

Joey: I love babies, with their little baby shoes, and their little baby toes, and their little baby hands... 

Chandler: Ok, you're going to have to stop that, forever!

(Joey opens door, throws keys on kitchen table, table falls over)

Joey: Need a new table.

Chandler: You think?

[Scene: Carol and Susan's, there's a knock on the door and Carol answers it to Ross.]

Carol: Hey hey, come on in!

(Ross enters, carrying lasagna)

Ross: Hey, hello! mmwa! (kisses Carol) I brought all the books, and Monica sends her love, along with this lasagna. 

Carol: Oh great! Is it vegetarian, 'cause Susan doesn't eat meat.

Ross: (pauses) I'm pretty sure that it is...

Carol: So, I got the results of the amnio today.

Ross: (making flinging gestures with hands) Oh, tell me, tell me, is everything, uhh....? 

Carol: Totally and completely healthy!

Ross: Oh, that's great, that is great! (Hugs and kisses Carol. Then picks up a picture frame)

Ross: Hey, when did you and Susan meet Huey Lewis?

Carol: Uh, that's our friend Tanya.

Ross: (surprised, chuckling nervously) Of course it's your friend Tanya. (looks up frightenedly)

Carol: Don't you want to know about the sex?

Ross: (chuckles nervously) The sex? (chuckles) Um, I'm having enough trouble with the image of you and Susan together, when you throw in Tanya (miming washing hair, that's the best I could think of), yaw...

Carol: The sex of the baby, Ross.

Ross: Oh, you know the sex of the baby? Oh, oh-oh-oh!

Carol: Do you want to know?

Ross: No, no, no, no, no, I don't want to know, absolutely not. I think, you know, I think you should know until you look down there, and say, oop, there it is! (pauses) Or isn't...

(Susan enters)

Susan: Oh, hello Ross!

Ross: Susan...

Susan: So, so, did you hear?

Ross: Yes, we did, everything's A-OK!

Susan: Oh, that's so... (Susan hugs Carol, they giggle, Ross steps away) It really is...do we know...?

Carol: Yes, we certainly do, it's going to be...

Ross: (flailing arms in protest) Oh, hey hey hey, ho ho ho, hello, guy who doesn't want to know, standing right here!

Susan: Oh, well, is it what we thought it would be?

Carol: Mm-hmmm (Susan and Carol hug, giggling. Ross stands back, reaches out and lightly taps Susan's shoulder)

Ross: Ok, what, what...ok, what did we think it was going to be? 

Carol and Susan: It's a...

Ross: (interrupts) No, no, no I don't want to know, don't want to know. Ok, you know, I should probably, I should probably just go. 

Carol: Well, thanks for the books.

Ross: No problem, ok, mmmwa (kisses Carol) oh, mmmwa (kisses Carol's stomach, then punches Susan's shoulder) Susan... (Ross leaves.)

Susan: All right, who should we call first, your folks, or Deb and Rona? (intercom buzzer rings)

Carol: Hello?

Ross: (on intercom) Uh, never mind, I don't want to know. (Carol and Susan laugh)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's,  Joey and Chandler use their knees as a table to support the lasagna.]

Chandler: Ok, so it's just because it was my table, I have to buy a new one?

Joey: That's the rule.

Chandler: What rule? There's no rule, if anything, you owe me a table!

Joey: How'd you get to that?

Chandler: Well, I believe the piece of furniture was fine until your little breakfast adventure with Angela Delvecchio

Joey: You knew about that?

Chandler: Well, let's just say the impressions you made in the butter left little to the imagination.

Joey: Ok, ok, How about if we split it?

Chandler: What do you mean, like, buy it together?

Joey: Yeah

Chandler: You think we're ready for something like that?

Joey: Why not?

Chandler: Well, it's a pretty big commitment, I mean, what if one of us wants to move out?

Joey: Why, are you moving out?

Chandler: I'm not moving out. 

Joey: You'd tell me if you were moving out right

Chandler: Yeah, yeah, it's just that with my last roommate Kip...

Joey: Aw, I know all about Kip!

Chandler: It's just that we bought a hibachi together, and then he ran off and got married, and things got pretty ugly.

Joey: Well, let me ask you something, was Kip a better roommate than me?

Chandler: Aw, don't do that

[Scene: Phoebe's Massage Parlor, Phoebe's assistant is telling her about the changes to her schedule.]

Phoebe's Assistant: We've got a couple changes in your schedule. Your 4:00 herbal massage has been pushed back to 4:30 and Miss Somerfield canceled her 5:30 shiatsu.

Phoebe: Ok, thanks. (assistant leaves, then walks back in)

Phoebe's Assistant: Oh, here comes your 3:00. I don't mean to sound unprofessional, but, yum (walks out, Paolo enters)

Paolo: Buon Giorno, Bella Phoebe!

Phoebe: Oh, Paolo, hi, what are you doing here?

Paolo: Uh, Racquela tell me you massage, eh?

Phoebe: Well, Racquela's right, yeah!

(Paolo speaks Italian)

Phoebe: Oh, okay, I don't know what you just said, so let's get started.

Paolo: Uh, I am, uh, being naked?

Phoebe: Um, that's really your decision, I mean, some people prefer, you know, to take off...oh whoops! You're being naked!

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe is there.]

Rachel: (to Ross) I can't believe you don't want to know. I mean, I couldn't not know, I mean, if, if the doctor knows, and Carol knows, and Susan knows.... 

Monica: And Monica knows...

Ross: Wha, heh, how could you know, I don't even know!

Monica: Carol called me to thank me for the lasagna, I asked, she told me.

Joey: So what's it gonna be? (Monica whispers in Joey's ear. Ross gets up and waves arms frantically in protest)

Ross: Wait梠h梙ey梙uh, oh great now he knows, and I don't know!

Monica: I'm sorry, I'm just excited about being an aunt!

Joey: Or an uncle... 

(Phoebe enters)

Joey and Chandler: Hey Phoebe!

Ross: Hi Pheebs!

Rachel: Pheebs!

Phoebe: Fine!

Monica: Phoebe, what's the matter?

Phoebe: Nothing, I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm out of sorts.

Customer: Hey, can we get some cappuccino over here?

Rachel: Oh, right, that's me!

Joey: Hey, Chandler, that table place closes at 7, come on.

Chandler: Fine. (Joey and Chandler walk towards the door)

Monica: Phoebe, what is it?

Phoebe: All right, you know Paolo?

Ross: I'm familiar with his work, yes...

Phoebe: Well, he made a move on me.

(Joey and Chandler come back)

Joey: Whoa, store will be open tomorrow!

Chandler: More coffee over here, please!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]

Monica: Well, what happened?

Phoebe: Well, he came in for a massage, and everything was fine until. (A flashback starts Paolo, lying on massage table, moving his hands up Phoebe's legs.)

[Cut back to Central Perk.]

Joey and Chandler:  Ooooohh!

Ross: My God.

Monica: Are you sure?

(The flashback resumes with Paolo grabbing her butt.)

[Cut back to Central Perk.]

Phoebe: Oh yeah, I'm sure. (Flashback resumes with Phoebe doing a voiceover.) And all of a sudden his hands weren't the problem anymore. (Flashback continues: Paolo rolls over, Phoebe looks down, then quickly looks up, bites lip, shakes her head)

Monica: Was it...?

Phoebe: Oh, boy scouts could have camped under there.

Guys: Oooooo....

(Rachel runs over)

Rachel: "Ooo," what?

Phoebe: Uma Thurman.

Monica: Oh!

Ross: The actress!

(all talking indistinctly, high-fiving)

Ross: Thanks Rach.

(Rachel walks away)

Chandler: So what are you gonna do?

Ross: You have to tell her! You have to tell her! It's your moral obligation, as a friend, as a woman, I think it's a feminist issue! Guys? Guys? (waiting for guys to chime in)

Chandler: Oh, yeah, you have to tell her.

Joey: Feminist issue. That's where I went!

Phoebe: She is gonna hate me.

Ross:(sympathetic yet...) Yeah, well...

[Scene: The Table Store, Joey and Chandler and looking for their new table.]

Joey: Will you pick one, just pick one! Here, how about that one? (points to a table)

Chandler: That's patio furniture!

Joey: So what, like people are gonna come in and think, "Uh-oh, I'm outside again?" Of course!

Chandler: (gesturing towards another table) What about the birds?

Joey: I don't know, birds just don't say, "Hello, sit here, eat something."

Chandler: You pick one.

Joey: All right, how about the ladybugs?

Chandler: Oh, so, forget about the birds, but big red insects suggest fine dining!

Joey: Fine, you want to get the birds, get the birds!

Chandler: Not like that, I won't! (pauses) Kip would have liked the birds! (Joey turns and gives Chandler a dirty look)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel folding and packing clothes in suitcases as Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: Hi Pheebs!

Phoebe: Are you moving out?

Rachel: No, these aren't all my suitcases. (picks up small blue suitcase and shows to Phoebe) This one's Paolo's.

Phoebe: Um, um, Rachel can we talk for a sec?

Rachel: Well, sure...just a sec, though, 'cause Paolo's on his way over.

Phoebe: Oh! (sits down) Ok, um, ok, um, 

Rachel: Oh, Pheebs, Pheebs...

Phoebe: Ok, um, (clears throat) we haven't known each other for that long a time, and, um, there are three things that you should know about me. One, my friends are the most important thing in my life, two, I never lie, and three, I make the best oatmeal raisin cookies in the world. (Phoebe opens a tin and offers Rachel a cookie)

Rachel: (taking cookie) Ok, thanks Pheebs (takes bite of cookie, overwhelmed) Oh my God, why have I never tasted these before?!

Phoebe: Oh, I don't make them a lot because I don't think it's fair to the other cookies

Rachel: All right, well, you're right, these are the best oatmeal cookies I've ever had.

Phoebe: Which proves that I never lie.

Rachel: I guess you don't.

Phoebe: Paolo made a pass at me.

(Rachel looks stunned)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross, Chandler, Joey, and Monica admiring their new table.]

Chandler: So, what do you think?

Ross: I think It's the most beautiful table I've ever seen.

Chandler: I know!

(The camera pans back to reveal Joey and Chandler's new foosball table.)

Monica: So how does this work, you going to balance the plates on these little guys' heads?

Joey: Who cares, we'll eat at the sink! Come on, let's play!

Monica: Heads up Ross! (Monica scores on Chandler and Joey) Score! (points at Chandler) You suck!

(Chandler looks at Joey in amazement)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is recovering from the shock.]

Phoebe: Are you okay?

Rachel: I need some milk.

Phoebe: Ok, I've got milk (takes thermos from her bag and starts to pour a cup) Here you go... (Rachel drinks straight from thermos) Oh!(Rachel finishes thermos) Better?

Rachel: No...oh, I feel so stupid! Oh, I think about the other day with you guys and I was all "Oh, Paolo, he's so great, he makes me feel so..." Oh, God, I'm so embarrassed!

Phoebe: I'm so embarrassed, I'm the one he hit on!

(Phoebe's and Rachel's lines overlap)

Rachel: Pheebs, if I had never met him this never would have happened!

Rachel and Phoebe: I'm so sorry! No I'm sorry! No I'm sorry! No I'm sorry! 

Phoebe: No, wait, oh, what are we sorry about?

Rachel: I don't know...right, he's the pig!

Phoebe: Such a pig!

Rachel: Oh, God, he's such a pig, 

Phoebe: Oh he's like a...

Rachel: He's like a big disgusting... 

Phoebe: ...like a...

Rachel: ...pig...pig man!

Phoebe: Yes, good! Ok...

Rachel: (voice wavers) Oh, but he was my pig man...how did I not see this?

Phoebe: (raises hand) Oh! I know! (Rachel startled) It's because... he's gorgeous, and he's charming, and when he looks at you...

Rachel: Ok, Ok, Pheebs...

Phoebe: The end.

Rachel: Oh, God...

Phoebe: Should I not have told you?

Rachel: No, no, trust, me, it's, it's, it's much better that I know. Uh, I just liked it better before it was better...

(Phoebe scoots her chair over to Rachel and hugs her)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe is telling everyone how it went across the hall as the foosball game continues.]

Phoebe: I think she took it pretty well. You know Paolo's over there right now, so...

Monica: We should get over there and see if she's okay. (switching places with Ross) Just one...second! Score! (Monica scores, high-fives with Ross) Game! Come on. (Monica and Phoebe leave)

Ross: (wiping his brow) Ah...ooh! Well, looks like, uh, we kicked your butts.

Joey: No-no, she kicked our butts. You could be on the Olympic standing-there team.

Ross: Come on, two on one.

Chandler: What are you still doing here? She just broke up with the guy, it's time for you to swoop in!

Ross: What, now?

Joey: Yes, now is when you swoop! You gotta make sure that when Paolo walks out of there, the first guy Rachel sees is you, She's gotta know that you're everything he's not! You're like, like the anti-Paolo!

Chandler: My Catholic friend is right. She's distraught. You're there for her. You pick up the pieces, and then you usher in the age of Ross! (Ross and Chandler look off into the distance. Joey, wondering what they are looking at, looks in the same direction)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is throwing Paolo's clothes over the side.]

Paolo: No, that's cold, that's cold, that's...

[Cut to inside the apartment.]

Ross: (entering) How's it going?

Monica: Don't stare. Now she just finished throwing his clothes off the balcony, now there's just a lot of gesturing and arm-waving, (shows Rachel gesturing with hands in front of her chest), Ok, that is either, "How could you?" or, "Enormous breasts!" Here he comes! 

Phoebe: Ooh!

(Paolo enters. Ross, Phoebe, and Monica scatter)

Paolo: Uh, I am, uh, to say good-bye.

Phoebe: Oh, ok bye-bye.

Monica: Paolo, I really hate you for what you did to Rachel, (hands him a lasagna) but I still have five of these, so heat it at 375 until the cheese bubbles.

Paolo: Grazie.

Ross: Paolo, I-I just want to tell you and I think I speak for everyone when I say... (shuts door in his face and walks away)

Phoebe: Oh, just look at her... (girls move toward Rachel on the balcony)

Ross: Oh you guys, I-I really think just one of us should go out there so she's not overwhelmed...

Monica: Oh, you're right.

Ross: (pulls Monica back) ...and I really think it should be me.

[Cut to the balcony, Ross has just climbed through the window.]

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Hey.

Ross: You all right?

Rachel: Ooh, I've been better...

Ross: Come here. (he hugs Rachel) Listen, you deserve so much better than him...you know, I mean, you, you, you should be with a guy who knows what he has when he has you.

Rachel: Oh, Ross...

Ross: What?

Rachel: I am so sick of guys. I don't want to look at another guy, I don't want to think about another guy, I don't even want to be near another guy. (Ross crosses arms)

Ross: Huh.

Rachel: Oh Ross, you're so great!

Ross: Ohhhh (Hugs her and sighs)

[Cut to inside the apartment, Rachel and Ross are entering.]

Monica: Ooh...hey honey, are you all right?

Rachel: Oh...

Phoebe: You ok?

Rachel: ...medium...hmm...any cookies left?

Phoebe: Yep!

Ross: See, Rach, uh, see, I don't think that swearing off guys altogether is the answer. I really don't. I think that what you need is to develop a more sophisticated screening process.

Rachel: No. I just need to be by myself for a while, you know? I just got to figure out what I want

Ross: Uh, no, no, see, because not...not all guys are going to be a Paolo.

Rachel: No, I know, I know, and I'm sure your little boy is not going to grow up to be one.

Ross: (astonished) What? 

Rachel: What?

Ross: I-I'm, I'm having a boy?

Rachel: Uh...no. No, no, in fact, you're not having a boy.

Ross: Wha-I'm having, I'm having a boy! (babbling) Huh, am I having a boy?

Girls: Yes, you're having a boy! (Monica runs over and hugs Ross)

Ross: I'm having a boy! Oh, I'm having a boy!

(Joey and Chandler run in)

Chandler: Wha-

Joey: Wha-

Joey and Chandler: What is it?

Ross: I'm having a boy! I-I'm having a boy!

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey and Chandler: We already knew that! (they hug)

Ross: I'm having a son. Um...

(Ross looks scared)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Monica is busy killing Chandle and Joey at foosball.]

Monica: Yes! And that would be a shut-down!

Joey and Chandler: Shut-out!! (They both start heading for their rooms.)

Monica: Where are you guys going? Come on, one more game!

Joey: Uh, it's 2:30 in the morning!

Chandler: Yeah, get out!

Monica: You guys are always hanging out in my apartment! Come on, I'll only use my left hand, huh? Come on, wussies! (Joey and Chandler pick her up) All right, ok, I gotta go. I'm going, (they throw her out) and I'm gone.

Chandler: (to Joey) One more game?

Joey: Oh yeah!

End


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The One With the Boobies

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Written by: Alexa Junge
Transcribed by: guineapig


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[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler walks in and starts raiding the fridge. Then Rachel comes out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her waist, drying herself with another towel. Chandler and Rachel startle each other and she drops the towel for a second and snatches the rug off the couch.]

Rachel: That is it! You just barge in here, you don't knock

Chandler: I'm sorry!

Rachel: You have no respect for anybody's privacy!

Chandler: Rachel, wait, wait.

Rachel: No, you wait! This is ridiculous!

Chandler: Can I just say one thing?

Rachel: What? What?!

Chandler: That's a relatively open weave and I can still see your... nipular areas.

Rachel: Oh!!

(She storms off)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there with her boyfriend Roger, talking to Rachel and Monica.]

Phoebe: Oh, honey, honey, tell them the story about your patient who thinks things are, like, other things. Y'know? Like, the phone rings and she takes a shower.

Roger: That's pretty much it.

Phoebe: Oops!

Roger: But you tell it really well, sweetie.

Phoebe: Thanks. Okay, now go away so we can talk about you.

Roger: Okay. I'll miss you.

Phoebe: Isn't he great?

Rachel: He's so cute! And he seems to like you so much.

Phoebe: I know, I know. So sweet... and so complicated. And for a shrink, he's not too shrinky, y'know?

Monica: So, you think you'll do it on his couch?

Phoebe: Oh, I don't know, I don't know. I think that's a little weird, y'know? Vinyl.

Rachel: Okaaay. (To the guys, on the couch) Any of you guys want anything else?

Chandler: Oh, yes, could I have one of those. (Points)

Rachel: No, I'm sorry, we're all out of those. Anybody else?

Chandler: Okay.

Roger: Did I, uh, did I miss something?

Chandler: No, she's still upset because I saw her boobies.

Ross: You what? Wh what were you doing seeing her boobies?

Chandler: It was an accident. Not like I was across the street with a telescope and a box of donuts.

Rachel: Okay, okay, could we change the subject, please?

Phoebe: Yeah, 'cause hello, these are not her boobies, these are her breasts.

Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, I was hoping for more of a change.

Chandler: Y'know, I don't know why you're so embarrassed, they were very nice boobies.

Rachel: Nice? They were nice. I mean, that's it? I mean, mittens are nice.

Chandler: Okaaay, (Gestures) rock, hard place, me.

Roger: You're so funny! He's really funny! I wouldn't wanna be there when when the laughter stops.

Chandler: Whoah whoah, back up there, Sparky. What'd you mean by that?

Roger: Oh, just seems as though that maybe you have intimacy issues. Y'know, that you use your humour as a way of keeping people at a distance.

Chandler: Huh.

Roger: I mean hey! I just met you, I don't know you from Adam. ...Only child, right? Parents divorced before you hit puberty.

Chandler: Uhhuh, how did you know that?

Roger: It's textbook.

(Joey enters with his dad)

Joey: Hey you guys. Hey, you all know my dad, right?

All: Hey! Hey, Mr. Trib!

Monica: Hey, how long are you in the city?

Mr. Tribbiani: Just for a coupla days. I got a job midtown. I figure I'm better off staying with the kid than hauling my ass back and forth on the ferry. (Sees Roger) I don't know this one.

Phoebe: Oh, this is my friend Roger.

Roger: Hi. 

Mr. Tribbiani: Hey, hey. Good to meet you, Roger.

Roger: You too, sir.

Mr. Tribbiani: (To Phoebe) What happened to the, uh, puppet guy?

Joey: Dad, dad. (Shakes his head)

Mr. Tribbiani: Oh, 'scuse me. So Ross, uh, how's the wife? (Ross whines and lays his head on Chandler's shoulder) Off there too, uh? Uh, Chandler, quick, say something funny!

(Chandler stays stonefaced)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Mr. Tribbiani is on the phone.]

Mr. Tribbiani: Gotta go. I miss you too, I love you, but it's getting real late now

Joey: (Snatches the phone) Hey Ma. Listen, I made the appointment with Dr. Bazida, and... Excuse me? (To his dad) Did you know this isn't Ma?

(His dad nods. Cut to later. Joey is chopping mushrooms)

Mr. Tribbiani: Her name's Ronni. She's a pet mortician. 

Joey: Sure. So how long you been... (Goes back to chopping)

Mr. Tribbiani: Remember when you were a little kid, I used to take you to the navy yard and show you the big ships?

Joey: Since then?!

Mr. Tribbiani: No, it's only been six years. I just wanted to put a nice memory in your head so you'd know that I wasn't always such a terrible guy. ...Joe. Y'ever been in love?

Joey: ...I d'know.

Mr. Tribbiani: Then y'haven't. You're burning your tomatoes.

Joey: You're one to talk. (Puts the mushrooms in a saucepan)

Mr. Tribbiani: Joe, your dad's in love big time. And the worst part of it is, it's with two different women.

Joey: Oh man. Please tell me one of 'em is Ma.

Mr. Tribbiani: Of course, course one of 'em's Ma. What's the matter with you.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is lamenting to everyone about hid dad's affair.]

Joey: It's like if you woke up one day and found out your dad was leading this double life. He's like actually some spy, working for the C.I.A. (Considers) That'd be cool.... This blows!

Rachel: I know, I mean, why can't parents just stay parents? (She walks over near Chandler and his gaze stays very obviously on her chest) Why do they have to become people? Why do they have... (Notices Chandler) Why can't you stop staring at my breasts?

Chandler: (Without looking up) What? (Looks up) What?

Rachel: Did you not get a good enough look the other day?

Ross: Alright, alright. We're all adults here, there's only one way to resolve this. Since you saw her boobies, I think, uh, you're gonna have to show her your peepee.

Chandler: Y'know, I don't see that happening?

Rachel: C'mon, he's right. Tit for tat.

Chandler: Well I'm not showing you my 'tat.'

(Door buzzer goes)

Monica: Hello?

Phoebe: (Intercom) It's Phoebe.

Roger: (Intercom) And Rog.

Monica: C'mon up.

Chandler: (Sarcastic) Oh, good. Rog is here.

Joey: What's the matter with Rog?

Ross: Yeah.

Chandler: Oh, it's nothing, it's a little thing... I hate that guy.

Ross: What, so he was a little analytical. That's what he does, y'know? C'mon, he's not that bad.

(Cut to Chandler, Ross and Roger sitting at the table. Ross is upset)

Ross: Y'see, that's where you're wrong. Why would I marry her if I thought on any level thatthat she was a lesbian?

Roger: I dunno. Maybe you wanted your marriage to fail.

Ross: Why? Why would I why? Why? Why? Why?

Roger: I don't know. Maybe maybe low self-esteem, maybe maybe to compensate for overshadowing a sibling, maybe you...

Monica: Wait-wait, go back to that sibling thing.

Roger: Well, I don't know. I mean, it's conceivable that you wanted to sabotage your marriage so that the sibling would feel less of a failure in the eyes of the parents.

Ross: That that's ridiculous! I don't feel guilty for her failures!

Monica: Oh! So you think I'm a failure!

Phoebe: Isn't he good?

Ross: Nonono, thatthat's not what I was saying...

Monica: Y'know, all these years, I thought you were on my side. But maybe what you were doing was sucking up to Mom and Dad so they'd keep liking you better!

Ross: Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good!

(Cut to later. Rachel is in tears)

Rachel: You're right! I mean you're right! It wasn't just the Weebles, but it was the Weeble Play Palace, and and the Weebles' Cruise Ship. Oh, which had this little lifeboat for the Weebles to wobble in. 

Roger: That's tough. Tough stuff. C'mon, Pheebs, we're gonna catch that movie, we gotta get going. 

Phoebe: Oh, okay. Feel better, Rachel, 'kay?

Roger: Geez, we're gonna be late, sweetie...

Phoebe: Oh, okay. Listen, thanks for everything, Mon.

Monica: You're welcome.

Roger: Listen guys, it was great seeing you again. Mon, um, easy on those cookies, okay? Remember, they're just food, they're not love.

(He shuts the door and Ross and Monica fling cookies at it)

Monica: Hate that guy! (Throws another cookie)

[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Joey are just leaving Monica and Rachel's.]

Joey: Night, you guys.

(They notice that a woman is sitting by their door)

Chandler: Oh look, it's the woman we ordered.

Joey: Hey. Can, uh, can we help you?

Ronni: Oh, no thanks, I'm just waiting for, uh, Joey Tribbiani.

Joey: I'm Joey Tribbiani.

Ronni: Oh no, not you, big Joey. Oh my God, you're so much cuter than your pictures! (Joey stares at her) I-I'm, I'm Ronni....Cheese Nip?

Chandler: Uh, Joey's having an embolism, but I'd go for a Nip, y'know?

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ronni is talking to Chandler. Joey's dad is not around.]

Ronni: Now, y'see, most people, when their pets pass on, they want 'em sorta laid out like they're sleeping. But occasionally you get your person who wants them in a pose. Like, chasing their tail, (Demonstrates) or, uh, jumping to catch a frisbee.

Chandler: Joey, if I go first, I wanna be looking for my keys.

Ronni: That's a good one!

(Joey's dad enters.)

Mr. Tribbiani: Hey, Joe.

Joey: Dad, Ronni's here.

Mr. Tribbiani: Huh?

Ronni: Hi.

Mr. Tribbiani: Hey! Hello, babe! Wh what're what're you doing here?

Ronni: Oh, uh, well, you left your good hair at my apartment, I figured you'd need it tomorrow for your meeting. (Hands him the hair)

Mr. Tribbiani: Thank you. Uh...

Chandler: So, who's up for a big game of Kerplunk?

Ronni: Look, I uh, I shouldn'ta come. I-I'd better get going, I don't wanna miss the last train.

Mr. Tribbiani: I don't want you taking that thing.

Ronni: Oh, where'm I gonna stay, here?

Joey: Who-ah-ho.

Mr. Tribbiani: We'll go to a hotel.

Ronni: (Shrugs) We'll go to a hotel.

Joey: No you won't.

Ronni: No we won't.

Joey: If you go to a hotel you'll be...doing stuff. I want you right here where I can keep an eye on you.

Mr. Tribbiani: You're gonna keep an eye on us?

Joey: That's right, mister, and I don't care how old you are, as long as you're under my roof you're gonna live by my rules. And that means no sleeping with your girlfriend.

Ronni: Wow. He's strict.

Joey: Now dad, you'll be in my room, Ronni uh, you can stay in Chandler's room.

Ronni: Thanks. You're, uh, you're a good kid.

Chandler: C'mon, I'll show you to my room. ...That sounds so weird when it's not followed by "No thanks, it's late." 

Joey: Okay. Now this is just for tonight. Starting tomorrow, you gotta make a change. This has gone on long enough.

Mr. Tribbiani: What kinda change?

Joey: Well, either you break it off with Ronni

Mr. Tribbiani: I can't do that!

Joey: Then you gotta come clean with Ma! This is not right!

Mr. Tribbiani: Yeah, but this is

Joey: I don't wanna hear it! Now go to my room!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, night. Chandler and Joey are sharing the sofabed in the living room. Joey is restless.]

Chandler: Hey, Kicky. What're you doing?

Joey: Just trying to get comfortable. I can't sleep in my underwear. 

Chandler: Well, you're gonna.

Joey: I've been thinking. Y'know, about how I'm always seeing girls on top of girls...

Chandler: Are they end to end, or tall like pancakes?

Joey: Y'know what I mean, about how I'm always going out with all these women. And I always figured, when the right one comes along, I'd be able to be a stand-up guy and go the distance, y'know? Now I'm looking at my dad, thinking...

Chandler: Hey, you're not him. You're you. When they were all over you to go into your father's pipe-fitting business, did you cave?

Joey: No.

Chandler: No. You decided to go into the out-of-work actor business. Now that wasn't easy, but you did it! And I'd like to believe that when the right woman comes along, you will have the courage and the guts to say "No thanks, I'm married."

Joey: You really think so?

Chandler: Yeah. I really do.

Joey: Thanks, Chandler. (Snuggles up to him)

Chandler: Get off!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, morning. Someone knocks on the door and Monica gets it.]

Ronni: Hi.

Monica: Hi...May I help you?

Ronni: Yeah, uh, Joey said I could use your shower, since, uh, Chandler's in ours?

Monica: Okay...who are you?

Ronni: Oh, I'm Ronni. Ronni Rappelano? The mistress?

Monica: Oh, c'mon in.

Ronni: Thanks.

Rachel: Hi, I'm Rachel.

Ronni: Hi.

Rachel: Bathroom's up there.

Ronni: Great.

Rachel: Hey, listen, Ronni, how long would you say Chandler's been in the shower?

Ronni: Oh, like, uh, five minutes?

Rachel: Perfect. Fasten your seatbelts, it's peepee time. (She goes into Joey and Chandler's apartment, where Mr. Tribbiani is reading the paper) Hey, Mr. Trib. 

Mr. Tribbiani: Hey. Morning, dear.

(Rachel goes up to the door of their bathroom)

Rachel: Chandler Bing? It's time to see your thing.

(She opens the door and whips back the curtain. It's Joey. They both scream)

Joey: (Runs out in a towel) What's the matter with you?!

Rachel: I thought it was Chandler!

Chandler: (Comes out of his room) What? What?

Rachel: You were supposed to be in there so I could see your thing!

Chandler: Sorry, my my thing was in there with me.

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Phoebe enters.]

All: Hey, Pheebs.

Phoebe: Hey. 

Monica: How's it going?

Phoebe: Good. Oh oh! Roger's having a dinner thing and he wanted me to invite you guys.

(Chandler laughs)

Phoebe: So what's going on?

Monica: Nothing, um, it's just, um... It's Roger. 

Ross: I dunno, there's just something about...

Chandler: Basically we just feel that he's...

Rachel: We hate that guy.

All: Yeah. Hate him.

Ross: We're sorry, Pheebs, we're sorry.

Phoebe: Uh-huh. Okay. Okay, don't you think, maybe, though, it's just that he's so perceptive that it freaks you out?

All: ...No, we hate him.

Rachel: We're sorry.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment, Joey is trying to turn the sofabed back into a sofa. Someone knocks on the door and it rears up at him.]

Joey: Ma! What're you doing here?

Mrs. Tribbiani: I came to give you this (Gives him a bag of groceries) and this. (Whacks him round the ear)

Joey: Oww! Big ring!

Mrs. Tribbiani: Why did you have to fill your father's head with all that garbage about making things right? Things were fine the way they were! There's chicken in there, put it away. For God's sake, Joey, really. (She gives the sofabed a tiny push and it folds away)

Joey: Hold on, you-you knew?

Mrs. Tribbiani: Of course I knew! What did you think? Your father is no James Bond. You should've heard some of his cover stories. "I'm sleeping over at my accountant's," I mean, what is that? Please!

Joey: So then how could you I mean, how could you?!

Mrs. Tribbiani: Do you remember how your father used to be? Always yelling, always yelling nothing made him happy, nothing made him happy, not that wood shop, not those stupid little ships in the bottle, nothing. Now he's happy! I mean, it's nice, he has a hobby.

Joey: Ma, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but... what the hell are you talking about?! I mean, what about you?

Mrs. Tribbiani: Me? I'm fine. Look, honey, in an ideal world, there'd be no her, and your father would look like Sting. And I'll tell you something else. Ever since that poodle-stuffer came along, he's been so ashamed of himself that he's been more attentive, he's been more loving... I mean, it's like every day's our anniversary.

Joey: I'm...happy...for you?

Mrs. Tribbiani: Well don't be, because now everything's screwed up. I just want it the way it was.

Joey: Ma, I'm sorry. I just did what I thought you'd want.

Mrs. Tribbiani: I know you did, cookie. Oh, I know you did. So tell me. Did you see her?

Joey: Yeah. You're ten times prettier than she is.

Mrs. Tribbiani: That's sweet. Could I take her?

Joey: With this ring? (Her engagement ring.) No contest.

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is there with Roger.]

Roger: What's wrong, sweetie?

Phoebe: Nothing, nothing.

Roger: Aaaah, what's wrong, c'mon. (Pats his leg. She lies down and rests her head in his lap)

Phoebe: It's, I mean, it's nothing, I'm fine. It's my friends. They-they have a liking problem with you. In that, um, they don't.

Roger: Oh. They don't.

Phoebe: But they don't see all the wonderfulness that I see. They don't see all the good stuff and all the sweet stuff. They just think you're a little...

Roger: What?

Phoebe: Intense and creepy. 

Roger: Oh.

Phoebe: But I don't. Me, Phoebe.

Roger: Well, I'm not I'm not at all surprised they feel that way.

Phoebe: You're not? See, that's why you're so great! 

Roger: Actually it's, it's quite, y'know, typical behaviour when you have this kind of dysfunctional group dynamic. Y'know, this kind of co-dependant, emotionally stunted, sitting in your stupid coffee house with your stupid big cups which, I'm sorry, might as well have nipples on them, and you're like all 'Oh, define me! Define me! Love me, I need love!'.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is letting everyone in on the new developments.]

Monica: So you talked to your dad, huh.

Joey: Yeah. He's gonna keep cheating on my ma like she wanted, she's gonna keep pretending she doesn't know even though she does, and my little sister Tina can't see her husband any more because he got a restraining order...which has nothing to do with anything except that I found out today.

Rachel: Wow.

Chandler: Things sure have changed here on Waltons mountain.

Ross: So Joey, you okay?

Joey: Yeah, I guess. It's just parents, after a certain point, you gotta let go. Even if you know better, you've gotta let them make their own mistakes.

Rachel: Just think, in a couple of years we get to turn into them.

Chandler: If I turn into my parents, I'll either be an alcoholic blond chasing after twenty-year-old boys, or... I'll end up like my mom.

Phoebe: (entering) Hey.

All: Hey, Pheebs.

Monica: How's it going?

Phoebe: Oh, okay, except I broke up with Roger.

All: Awww.

Phoebe: Yeah, right.

All: Aaawwwwww!!

Rachel: What happened?

Phoebe: I don't know, I mean, he's a good person, and he can be really sweet, and in some ways I think he is so right for me, it's just... I hate that guy!

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Phoebe is reading the paper and Joey enters.]

Phoebe: Hey, Joey. What's going on?

Joey: Clear the tracks for the boobie payback express. Next stop: Rachel Green. (He goes into the bathroom. We hear a scream and he comes out, closely followed by Monica in a towel)

Monica: Joey!! What the hell were you doing?!

Joey: Sorry. Wrong boobies.

(He leaves. Cut to Monica entering Chandler and Joey's apartment. She sneaks up to the shower door)

Monica: Hello, Joey.

(She whips back the curtain to reveal Joey's dad)

Mr. Tribbiani: Oh! ...Hello, dear. (She whips the curtain shut in horror)

End


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The One With the Candy Hearts

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Written by: Bill Lawrence
Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips
With Minor Adjustments by: Eric Aasen


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is eyeing a beautiful woman at the counter, and Joey and Chandler are egging him on to go talk to her. No pun intended. I mean it.]

Joey: I'm tellin' you Ross, she wants you.

Ross: She barely knows me. We just live in the same building.

Chandler: Any contact?

Ross: She lent me an egg once.

Joey: You're in!

Ross: Aw, right.

Woman: Hi, Ross.

Ross: Hey. (stutters something incoherent)

Chandler: Come on, Ross, you gotta get back in the game here, ok? The Rachel thing's not happening, your ex-wife is a lesbian桰 don't think we need a third... 

Joey: Excuse me, could we get an egg over here, still in the shell? Thanks.

Ross: An egg?

Joey: Yeah, you're gonna go up to her and say, "Here's your egg back, I'm returning your egg."

Chandler: I think it's winning.

Ross: I think it's insane.

Chandler: She'll love it. Go with the egg, my friend.

(Ross walks over to the woman, egg in hand.)

Joey: Think it'll work?

Chandler: No, it's suicide. The man's got an egg.

Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler are there. Ross is still talking to the beautiful woman.]

Monica: You can not do this.

Rachel: Do what, do what?

Monica: Roger wants to take her out tomorrow night.

Rachel: No! Phoebes! Don't you remember why you dumped the guy?

Phoebe: 'Cause he was creepy, and mean, and a little frightening... alright, still, it's nice to have a date on Valentine's Day!

Monica: But Phoebe, you can go out with a creepy guy any night of the year. I know I do. 

Rachel: Well, what are you guys doing tomorrow night?

Joey: Actually, tomorrow night kinda depends on how tonight goes.

Chandler: Oh, uh, listen, about tonight...

Joey: No, no, no, don't you dare bail on me. The only reason she's goin' out with me is because I said I could bring a friend for her friend.

Chandler: Yes, I know, but her friend sounds like such a...

Joey: Pathetic mess? I know, but梒ome on, man, she's needy, she's vulnerable. I'm thinkin', cha-ching! (Rachel throws a roll at Joey. He picks it up and eats it.) Thanks. Look, you have not been out with a woman since Janice. You're doin' this.

Ross: Hi. She said yes.

Chandler: Yes! Way to go, man! (Chandler and Ross hug. Something crunches in Ross' shirt pocket.) Still got the egg, huh?

[Scene: A Restaurant, Joey and Chandler are there, waiting for their dates to show up.]

Joey: (Looking at himself in the reflection on a knife) How do I look?

Chandler: Oh, uh, I... don't... care. (Joey's date shows up) Ok, now, remember, no trading. You get the pretty one, I get the mess.

Lorraine: Hi, Joey. Well well, look what you brought. Very nice.

Chandler: ...And what did you bring?

Lorraine: She's checking the coats. Joey, I'm gonna go wash the cab smell off my hands. Will you get me a white Zinfandel, and a glass of red for Janice.

Chandler: Janice?

(Lorraine leaves. Joey shakes his head as though to say, 'It can't be the same Janice.' Janice enters.)

Janice: Oh.... my.... God.

Chandler: (angrily) Hey, it's Janice.

[Scene: The bathroom at the restaurant, Chandler and Joey are talking.]

Chandler: Ok, I'm makin' a break for it, I'm goin' out the window. 

Joey: No, no, no, don't! I've been waitin' for like, forever to go out with Lorraine. Just calm down. 

Chandler: Calm down? Calm down? You set me up with the woman that I've dumped twice in the last five months!

Joey: (at the urinal) Can you stop yellin'? You're makin' me nervous, and I can't go when I'm nervous.

Chandler: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're right. (gets up right behind Joey and yells in his ear) Come on, do it, do it, go, come on!!!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are all there, discussing their bad luck with men.]

Rachel: Ok, ok, Roger was creepy, but he was nothing compared to Pete Carney.

Monica: Which one was Pete Carney?

Rachel: Pete the Weeper? Remember that guy who used to cry every time we had sex. (imitating) "Was it good for you?"

Monica: Yeah, well, I'll take a little crying any day over Howard-the-"I-win"-guy. (imitating) "I win! I win!" I went out with the guy for two months桰 didn't get to win once.

Rachel: How did we end up with these jerks? We're good people!

Monica: I don't know. Maybe we're some kinda magnets.

Phoebe: I know I am. That's why I can't wear a digital watch.

Monica: There's more beer, right?

Phoebe: Oh! You know my friend Abby who shaves her head? She said that if you want to break the bad boyfriend cycle, you can do like a cleansing ritual.

Rachel: Pheebes, this woman is voluntarily bald.

Phoebe: Yeah. So, we can do it tomorrow night, you guys. It's Valentine's Day. It's perfect.

Monica: Ok, well, what kind of ritual?

Phoebe: Ok. We can, um, we can burn the stuff they gave us.

Rachel: Or?

Phoebe: Or...or we can chant and dance around naked, you know, with sticks.

Monica: Burning's good.

Rachel: Burning's good. Yeah, I got stuff to burn.

[Scene: The Restaurant, Joey, Lorraine, Chandler, and Janice are at the table. Joey and Lorraine are seated very close, Chandler and Janice have backed their chairs away from one another.]

Lorraine: You know, ever since I was little, I've been able to pick up quarters with my toes.

Joey: Good for you. (jumps suddenly) Uh, quarters or rolls of quarters?

Janice: By the way, Chandler. I cut you out of all my pictures. So if you want, I have a bag with just your heads.

Chandler: That's OK.

Janice: Oh, are you sure? Really? Because you know, you could make little puppets out of them, and you could use them in your theater of cruelty.

(Lorraine whispers into Joey's ear.)

Joey: (to Lorraine) We can't do that.

Chandler: (disgusted) What? What can't you do?

Joey: Uh, can I talk to you for a second, over there?

(Chandler and Joey leave the table.)

Joey: Uh, we might be leaving now.

Chandler: Tell me it's "you and me" we.

Joey: She said she wants to slather my body with stuff and then lick it off. I'm not even sure what slathering is, but I definitely want to be a part of it.

Chandler: Ok, you can not do this to me.

Joey: You're right, I'm sorry. You're right.

Lorraine: (to waiter) Uh, can we have three chocolate mousses to go please?

Joey: I'm outta here. Here's my credit card. Dinner's on me. I'm sorry, Chandler.

Chandler: I hope she throws up on you.

(Joey leaves with Lorraine. Chandler sits back down with Janice.)

Chandler: So...

Janice: Just us.

Chandler: Oh, what a crappy night!

Janice: Although, I have enjoyed the fact that, uh your shirt's been stickin' outta your zipper ever since you came back from the bathroom. 

Chandler: Excuse me. (gets up, jumps up and down while he zips his zipper up... other patrons look at him) How ya doin'?

Janice: So, do we have the best friends or what?

Chandler: Joey's not a friend. He's...a stupid man who left us his credit card. Another drink? Some dessert? A big screen TV?

Janice: I will go for that drink.

Chandler: You got it. Good woman! (the waiter turns around, it's a man) Could we get a bottle of your most overpriced champagne?

Janice: Each.

Chandler: That's right, each. Oh, and a uh Rob Roy. (to Janice) I've always wanted to know...

[Scene: Chandler's bedroom, Chandler wakes up, and finds someone else's hand on his chest. He rolls over and is shocked to see Janice there.]

Janice: Happy Valentine's Day!

Commercial Break
[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler is trying to get Janice out of his apartment.]

Janice: Oh, I miss you already. Can you believe this happened?

Chandler: No... no! And yet it did. Good-bye, Janice.

Janice: Kiss me!

(Janice kisses him. Monica comes out for the newspaper.}

Monica: Oh, Chandler, sorry.

(Janice turns around, Monica sees who it is.)

Monica: Ohhh, Chandler, sorry! Hey, Janice.

Janice: Hi, Monica.

Chandler: Ok, well, this was very special.

Monica: Rach, come see who's out here!

(Rachel comes out.)

Rachel: Oh my god. Janice, hi!

Chandler: Janice is gonna go away now.

Monica: I'll be right back.

(Joey enters from the stairs.)

Rachel: Oh, Joey, look who it is.

Joey: (in disbelief) Whoa.

Chandler: Oh, good, Joey's home now.

Janice: This is so fun. This is like a reunion in the hall.

(Monica comes out with her cordless phone.)

Monica: Oh, hi, Ross. Yeah. There's someone I want you to say hi to. (to Chandler) He just happened to call.

Janice: Hi, Ross. Yes, it's me. How did you know? (she laughs obnoxiously) 

[Scene: A Chinese Restaurant, Ross is there with his date.]

Ross: I'm just sayin' if dogs do experience jet lag, then, because of the whole um, seven dog years to one human year thing, then, when a dog flies from New York to Los Angeles, he doesn't just lose three hours, he loses like a week and a half.

(Ross starts to laugh, and then makes a face like 'Why did I just say that?' Ross' ex-wife, Carol, and her lesbian lover, Susan, enter the restaurant. Ross stares at them.)

Kristin: That's funny. Who are they?

Ross: The blond woman is my ex-wife, and the woman touching her is her... close, personal friend.

Kristin: You mean they're lovers.

Ross: If you wanna put a label on it.

Kristin: Wow, uh, anything else I should know?

Ross: Nope, nope, that's it. 

(Carol takes off her jacket, her pregnant belly is exposed.)

Ross: Oh, and she's pregnant with my baby. I always forget that part. (to Carol and Susan) Helloo!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are holding their boyfriend bonfire.]

Phoebe: Ok, so now we need, um sage branches and the sacramental wine.

Monica: All I have is, is oregano and a Fresca.

Phoebe: Um, that's ok! (throws it in fire) Ok. All right. Now we need the semen of a righteous man.

Rachel: Ok, Pheebs, you know what, if we had that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place.

Monica: Can we just start throwing things in?

Phoebe: Ok, yeah, ok. (she throws the directions in) Oh, OK.

Rachel: (tossing things in the fire) Ok, Barry's letters. Adam Ritter's boxer shorts.

Phoebe: Ok, and I have the, uh receipt for my dinner with Nokululu Oon Ah Ah.

Monica: Look, here's a picture of Scotty Jared naked.

Rachel: (looking at picture) Hey he's wearing a sweater.

Monica: No.

Rachel and Phoebe: Eww!

Rachel: And here we have the last of Paulo's grappa.

Monica: Hey, Rachel, isn't that stuff almost pure...

(Rachel throws the alcohol in the fire. A burst of flames shoots up from it.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are there. Chandler is preparing to dump Janice again.]

Chandler: How can I dump this woman on Valentine's day?

Joey: I don't know. You dumped her on New Year's.

Chandler: Oh, man. In my next life, I'm coming back as a toilet brush.

(Janice enters.)

Janice: Hello, funny Valentine.

Chandler: Hi, Just Janice.

Janice: Hello, Joey, our little matchmaker. I could just kiss you all over, and I'm gonna!

(Janice kisses Joey all over. Chandler smiles.)

Joey: (to Chandler) If you don't do it, I will.

[Scene: The Chinese Restaurant.]

Ross: So, um, what do you do for a living?

Kristin: Well, um, for the past few years I've been working..(Ross is watching Carol and Susan, not listening to Kristin. Susan gets up, and has to go. Carol is left stranded)...which is funny because, that wasn't even my major.

Carol: Oh no. I thought you said they could shoot the spot without you. 

Susan: I thought they could...I'll try to get back as soon as I can. I'm sorry. (Ross realizes Kristin was expecting him to laugh, so he starts to laugh hysterically.)

Ross: Now that is funny. Hey, do you think...would it be too weird if I invited Carol over to join us? 'Cause she's, she's alone now, and pregnant, and, and sad. 

Kristin: (reluctantly) I guess.

Ross: Are you sure? Great. Carol? Wanna come over and join us?

Carol: Oh, no no no. I'm fine. I'm fine.

Ross: Come on. These people'll scooch down. You guys'll scooch, won't you? Let's try scooching! Come on. Come on. Uh, Kristen Riggs, this is Carol Willick. Carol, Kristin. Uh, Carol teaches sixth grade. And, Kristin, Kristin...(struggling)...does something that, funnily enough, wasn't even her major!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, firemen are there to handle the bonfire that got out of control.]

Fireman No. 1: What do we got there?

Fireman No. 2: A piece of something: boxer shorts, greeting cards, and what looks like a half-charred picture梂ow, that guy's hairier than the Chief!

Monica: You know, it's a really funny story how this happened.

Fireman No. 3: It's all right. It's all right. You don't have to explain. This isn't the first boyfriend bonfire that we've seen get out of control.

Fireman No. 1: You're our third call tonight.

Rachel: Really?

Fireman No. 2: Oh, sure, Valentine's is our busiest night of the year.

[Scene: Central Perk.]

Janice: I brought you something.

Chandler: Is it loaded? Oh, little candy hearts. (reading the candy) Chan and Jan Forever.

Janice: I had them made special.

Chandler: Ok, Janice. Janice. Hey, Janice. Look, there's no way for me to tell you this. At least there's no new way for me to tell you this. I just don't things are gonna work out.

Janice: That's fine.

Chandler: (surprised) It is?

Janice: Mmm-hmm. Because I know that this isn't the end.

Chandler: Oh no, you see, actually it is.

Janice: No, it isn't, because you won't let that happen. Don't you know it yet? You love me, Chandler Bing.

Chandler: Oh, no I don't.

Janice: Well then ask yourself this. Why do you think we keep ending up together? New Year's? Who invited who? Valentine's? Who asked who into whose bed? 

Chandler: I did, but...

Janice: You seek me out. Something deep in your soul calls out to me like a foghorn. Janice, Janice. You want me. You need me. You can't live without me. And you know it. You just don't know you know it. See ya.

(She kisses him passionately,then leaves.)

Chandler: Call me!

[Scene: The Chinese Restaurant, Ross and Carol are talking. Kristin is not there.]

Carol: It's not true. I never called your mother a wolverine.

Ross: You did so. I swear, I swear?noticing Kristin's absence) How long has she been in the bathroom?

Carol: Uh, I don't think she's in the bathroom. Her coat is gone.

Ross: Well maybe it's cold in there. Or maybe I screwed up the first date I had in 9 years. 

Carol: That could be it.

Ross: Oh, god. (He puts his head down on the grill) You know, this is still pretty hot. (He picks his head up, and a mushroom sticks to his head. Carol picks it off and eats it.)

Carol: Mushroom. Smile. They won't all be like this. Some women might even stay through dinner. Sorry, that's not funny

Ross: No, it's just...you know the whole "getting on with your life" thing. Well, do I have to? I mean, I'm sitting here with this cute woman, and, and, and she's perfectly nice, and, but that there's, that's it. And um, and then I'm here talkin' to you, and, and it's easy, and it's fun, and, and I don't, I don't have to...You know, here's a wacky thought. Um, what's say you and I give it another shot? No no no, I know what you're gonna say, you're a lesbian. But what do you say we just put that aside for now you know? Let's just stick a pin in it, ok? Because, we're great together, you know. You can't deny it. Besides, you're carrying my baby. I mean, how perfect is that? But see, you know, you keep sayin' that, but there's somethin' right here. I love you.

(They kiss.)

Carol: Oh, I love you too. But...

Ross: No but, no but.

Carol: You know that thing you put over here with the pin in it? It's time to take the pin out. You'll find someone, I know you will. The right woman is just waiting for you.

Ross: That's easy for you to say, you found one already.

Carol: All you need is a woman who likes men and you'll be set.

(A beautiful woman walks by Ross, he stares at her.)

Carol: Not her.

Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The girls are talking with the firemen.]

Fireman No. 3: We get off around midnight, why don't we pick you up then?

Rachel: So, um, will you bring the truck?

Fireman No. 3: I'll even let you ring the bell.

Rachel: Oh, my god.

Phoebe: See, there you go, the cleansing works!

Monica: They're nice guys.

Rachel: Oh, they're firemen guys.

[Scene: Out in the hall, the firemen are talking.]

Fireman No. 1: You guys tell them you were married?

Fireman No. 2: No way!

Fireman No. 3: Are you kidding? My girlfriend doesn't know, I'm not gonna tell them!

End


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The One With the Stoned Guy

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Written by: Jeff Greenstein & Jeff Strauss 
Transcribed by: Ruth Curran


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[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is serving Joey, Ross, and Monica their drinks.]

Rachel: (to Joey) Coffee. (Hands it to him.)

Joey: Thank you.

Rachel: (to Ross) Cappuccino. (Hands it to him.) 

Ross: Grazie.

Rachel: And a nice hot cider for Monica. (Hands it to her.)

Monica: Aww, thank you. (Notices something.) Uh Rach?

Rachel: Yeah?

Monica: Why does my cinamon stick have an eraser?

Rachel: Oh! That's why. (Rachel checks behind her ear, and finds a cinamon stick.) I'm sorry!

(She takes the pencil out of Monica's coffee and Monica puts her cup down in disgust.)

Opening Credits
[Scene: Chandler's job, Chandler is typing data into his computer, he keeps typing even while taking a drink of coffee with one hand. One of his co-workers walks by.]

Woman: Chandler.

Chandler: Mrs. Tedlock. You're looking lovely today. And may I say, that is a very flattering sleeve length on you.

Mrs. Tedlock: Yes. Well, Mr. Kostelick wants you to stop by his office at the end of the day.

Chandler: Oh, listen. If this is about those prank memos, I had nothing to do with them. Really. Nothing at all. Really. (Chandler tries to hide a rubber chicken from the woman.) Nothing.

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there but Chandler. Phoebe runs in, excitedly.]

Phoebe: Hey you guys! Chandler's coming and he says he has, like, this incredible news, so when he gets here, we could all act like, you know...

(Chandler comes in.)

Chandler: Hey!

All: Hey!

Phoebe: Never mind. But it was going to be really good.

Ross: What's going on?

All: What is it?

Chandler: So, it's a typical day at work. I'm inputting my numbers, and big Al calls me into his office and tells me he wants to make me processing supervisor.

All: That's great!

Chandler: So.... I quit.

All: Why?

Chandler: Why? This was supposed to be a temp job!

Monica: Yeah, Chandler... you've been there for five years.

Chandler: If I took this promotion, it'd be like admitting that this is what I actually do.

Phoebe: So was it a lot more money?

Chandler: It doesn't matter. I just don't want to be one of those guys that's in his office until twelve o'clock at night worrying about the WENUS.

(Everyone looks at him, confused.)

Rachel: ... the WENUS?

Chandler: Weekly Estimated Net Usage Systems. A processing term.

Rachel: (sarcastic) Oh. That WENUS.

Joey: So what're you going to do?

Chandler: I don't know. That's the thing. I don't know what I want to do. I just know I'm not going to figure it out working there.

Phoebe: Oooh! I have something you can do! I have this new massage client... Steve? (pause) Anyway, he's opening up a restaurant and he's looking for a head chef.

Monica: (taps Phoebe on her shoulder) Um... hi there.

Phoebe: Hi! (turns back to Chandler, then to Monica) Oh, yeah, no, I know. You're a chef. I know, and I thought of you first, but um, Chandler's the one who needs a job right now, so....

Chandler: Yeah... I just don't have that much cheffing experience. Unless it's an all-toast restaurant.

Phoebe: (to Monica's tapping) Yeah, yeah! 

Monica: Well, what kind of food is he looking for?

Phoebe: Well, he wants to do some ecclectic, so he's looking for someone who can, you know, create the entire menu.

Monica: (excited) Oh my God!

Phoebe: Yeah, I know! (turns to Chandler) So, what do you think?

Chandler: Thanks, Phoebe. But I just don't really see myself in a big white hat.

Phoebe: OK. (pause) Oh Monica! Guess what!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler walks in, wearing a suit.]

Chandler: Can you see my nipples through this shirt?

Rachel: No. But don't worry, I'm sure they're still there.

Phoebe: Where are you going, Mr. Suity-Man?

Chandler: Well, I have an appointment to see Dr. Robert Pillman, career counselor a-gogo. (pause) I added the "a-gogo."

Rachel: Career counselor?

Chandler: Hey, you guys all know what you want to do.

Rachel: I don't!

Chandler: Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream.

Ross: Ah, the lesser-known "I don't have a dream" speech.

(Monica enters, excited.)

Monica: Oh, I love my life, I love my life!

Phoebe: Ooh! Brian's Song!

Rachel: The meeting with the guy went great?

Monica: So great! He showed me where the restaurant's going to be. It's this, it's this cute little place on 10th Street. Not too big, not too small. Just right.

Chandler: Was it formerly owned by a blonde woman and some bears?

Monica: So anyway, I'm cooking dinner for him Monday night. You know, kind of like an audition. And Phoebe, he really wants you to be here, which will be great for me because then you can 'ooh' and 'ahh' and make yummy noises.

Rachel: What are you going to make?

Phoebe: (as though Rachel wasn't paying attention) Yummy noises.

Rachel: (pause) And Monica, what are you going to make?

Monica: I don't know. I don't know. It's just going to be so great!

Phoebe: Ooh! I know what you could make! (runs over to join Monica and Rachel in the kitchen) I know! Oh, you should definitely make that thing... you know, with the stuff? (Monica doesn't know.) You know, that thing... with the stuff...? OK, I don't know. (sits down)

Ross: Hey guys, does anybody know a good date place in the neighborhood?

Joey: How about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-ounce steak, it's free.

Ross: OK, ahem, hey, does anybody know a good place if you're not dating a puma?

Chandler: Who are you going out with?

Phoebe: Oh, is this the bug lady?

Rachel: (trying to sound like a bug) Bzzzz.... I love you, Ross.

Ross: Her name is Celia. She's not a bug lady. She's curator of insects at the museum.

Rachel: So what are you guys going to do?

Ross: Oh, I just thought we could go out to dinner, and then maybe bring her back to my place and I'd introduce her to my monkey.

Chandler: And he's not speaking metaphorically.

Joey: (aside to Ross) So.... back to your place...you thinking, maybe... (gestures with hands, back and forth) huh-huh?

Ross: Well, I don't know.... (gestures) huh-huh.... but I'm hoping (gestures) huh-huh.

Joey: I'm telling you, that monkey is a chick magnet! She's going to take one look at his furry, cute little face and it'll seal the deal.

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Marcel is hanging from Celia's hair, and she is screaming, trying to get him off.]

Ross: Celia, don't worry!  Don't scream!  He's not going to hurt you! Soothing tones, Celia. Soothing tones! Marcel...

Celia: I can't stand this! He's got his claws in my...

Ross: Alright... (lifts Marcel away)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there but Ross and Chandler. Monica is making food, and having everyone try it.]

Monica: (to Joey) OK, try this salmon mousse.

Joey: (tasting) Mmmm. Good.

Monica: Is it better than the other salmon mousse?

Joey: It's creamier.

Monica: Yeah, well, is that better?

Joey: I don't know. We're talking about whipped fish, Monica. I'm just happy I'm keeping it down, y'know?

(Chandler kicks the door closed, angrily. His clothes are askew, he looks beat.)

Rachel: My God! What happened to you?

Chandler: Eight and a half hours of aptitude tests, intelligence tests, personality tests... and what do I learn? (he taps the results and reads them) "You are ideally suited for a career in data processing for a large multinational corporation."

Phoebe: That's so great! 'Cause you already know how to do that!

Chandler: Can you believe it? I mean, don't I seem like somebody who should be doing something really cool? You know, I just always pictured myself doing something...something.

Rachel: (comes up and rubs him on the chest) Oh Chandler, I know, I know... oh, hey! You can see your nipples through this shirt!

Monica: (brings a plate of tiny appetizers over) Here you go, maybe this'll cheer you up.

Chandler: Ooh, you know, I had a grape about five hours ago, so I'd better split this with you.

Monica: It's supposed to be that small. It's a pre-appetizer. The French call it an amouz-bouche. 

Chandler: (tastes it) Well.... it is amouz-ing...

(Phone rings. Monica answers it.)

Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Oh, hi Wendy! (Listens) Yeah, eight o'clock. (Listens) What did we say? Ten dollars an hour?... (Listens) OK, great. (Listens) All right, I'll see you then. Bye. (hangs up)

Phoebe: Ten dollars an hour for what?

Monica: Oh, I asked one of the waitresses at work if she'd help me out.

Rachel: (hurt) Waitressing?

Joey: Uh-oh.

Monica: Well... of course I thought of you! But... but...

Rachel: But, but?

Monica: But, you see, it's just... this night has to go just perfect, you know? And, well, Wendy's more of a... professional waitress.

Rachel: Oh! I see. And I've sort of been maintaining my amateur status so that I can waitress in the Olympics.

Chandler: You know, I don't mean to brag, but I waited tables at Innsbruck in '76. (dead silence) Amouz-bouche? (holds out tray)

[Scene: Ross' apartment, Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon (the original, not that cruddy Urge Overkill version) is playing. Ross and Celia are kissing passionately.]

Celia: Talk to me.

Ross: OK.... um, a weird thing happened to me on the train this morning...

Celia: No no no. Talk... dirty.

Ross: (embarrassed) Wha... what, here?

Celia: Yes...

Ross: Ah....

Celia: Say something..... hot.

Ross: (panicked) Er.... um..... 

Celia: What?

Ross: Um... uh.... vulva.

Commercial Break
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Ross are there, discussing what happened last night.]

Joey: (in disbelief) Vulva?

Ross: Alright, I panicked, alright? She took me by surprise. You know, but it wasn't a total loss. I mean, we ended up cuddling.

Joey: (sarcastic) Whoaa!! You cuddled? How many times??

Ross: Shut up! It was nice. I just... I don't think I'm the dirty-talking kind of guy, you know?

Joey: What's the big deal? You just say what you want to do to her. Or what you want her to do to you. Or what you think other people might be doing to each other. I'll tell you what. Just try something on me.

Ross: (deadpan) Please be kidding.

Joey: Why not? Come on! Just, just close your eyes and tell me what you'd like to be doing right now.

Ross: OK. (closes eyes) I'm in my apartment...

Joey: ....yeah... what else?

Ross: That's it. I'm in my apartment, you're not there, we're not having this conversation. (gets up, walks across room)

Joey: (walks to catch up to him) Alright, look, I'll start, OK?

Ross: Joey, please.

Joey: Come on. Come on. Alright, ready, look! (in a low voice) Oh... Ross.... you get me so hot. I want your lips on me now.

Ross: (impressed) Wow.

Joey: Alright, now you say something.

Ross: I... ahem... I really don't think so.

Joey: Come on! You like this woman, right?

Ross: Yeah.

Joey: You want to see her again, right?

Ross: Sure.

Joey: Well if you can't talk dirty to me, how're you going to talk dirty to her? Now tell me you want to caress my butt!

Ross: OK, turn around. (Joey looks taken aback) I just don't want you staring at me when I'm doing this.

Joey: (turning around) Alright, alright. I'm around. Go ahead.

Ross: Ahem... I want.... OK, I want to... feel your... hot, soft skin with my lips.

Joey: There you go! Keep going. Keep going!

Ross: I, er...

(At this point, Chandler walks into the living room from his bedroom. Ross and Joey both have their backs to him, so they don't notice. Chandler sees the situation and remains quiet, watching.)

Ross: I want to take my tongue... and... 

(Chandler is completely astounded.)

Ross: ....and....

Joey: Say it... say it!

Ross: ...run it all over your body until you're... trembling with... with...

(Chandler leans back against the wall and Ross and Joey hear him. Ross and Joey both notice at the same time. They slowly stop, and then very slowly turn around to see Chandler staring at them.)

Chandler: (smiling)....with??

Ross: (rushing to explain) Funny story!

Joey: You're not going to believe this!

Chandler: It's OK. It's OK. I was always rooting for you two kids to get together.

Joey: Hey Chandler, while you were sleeping that guy from your old job called again.

Chandler: Again?

Joey: And again, and again, and again... (phone rings, he answers) Hello? (hands phone to Chandler) And again.

Chandler: (on phone) Hey Mr. Kostelic! How's life on the fifteenth floor? (Listens) Yeah, I miss you too. (Listens) Yeah, it's a lot less satisfying to steal pens from your own home, you know? (Listens) Well, that's very generous (Listens) er, but look, this isn't about the money. I need something that's more than a job. I need something I can really care about.... (Listens) And that's on top of the yearly bonus structure you mentioned earlier? (Listens) Look, Al, Al... I'm not playing hardball here, OK? This is not a negotiation, this is a rejection! (Listens) No! No! No, stop saying numbers! I'm telling you, you've got the wrong guy! You've got the wrong guy! (Listens) I'll see you on Monday! (slams the phone down)

[Scene: Chandler's new window office, he is showing Phoebe around.]

Chandler: Well?

Phoebe: (excited) Wow! It's huge! It's so much bigger than the cubicle. Oh, this is a cube.

Chandler: Look at this! (he opens the curtain to a view of New York City)

Phoebe: Oh! You have a window!

Chandler: Yes indeedy! (they look outside) With a beautiful view of...

Phoebe: Oh look! That guy's peeing!

Chandler: (walks away from window) OK, that's enough of the view. Check this out, look at this. Sit down, sit down.

Phoebe: (sitting) OK.

Chandler: This is great! (he presses a button on his intercom) Helen, could you come in here for a moment? 

(An unamused woman walks into the office.)

Chandler: Thank you Helen, that'll be all.

(She leaves, obviously perturbed.)

Chandler: Last time I do that, I promise.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is on the phone. Rachel walks in and overhears the conversation.]

Monica: (shouting on phone) Wendy, we had a deal! (Listens) Yeah, you promised! Wendy! Wendy! Wendy! (hangs up)

Rachel: Who was that?

Monica: Wendy bailed. I have no waitress.

Rachel: Oh... that's too bad. Bye bye. (she walks away towards the door)

Monica: Ten dollars an hour.

Rachel: No.

Monica: Twelve dollars an hour.

Rachel: Mon. I wish I could, but I've made plans to walk around.

Monica: You know, Rachel, when you ran out of your wedding, I was there for you. I put a roof over your head, and if that means nothing to you... (Rachel isn't buying it, desperate) twenty dollars an hour.

Rachel: Done.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later. Rachel is waitressing, Monica is cooking. Phoebe walks in with Steve (Crystal Duck winner Jon Lovitz).]

Rachel: Well hello! Welcome to Monica's. May I take your coat?

Monica: Hi Steve!

Steve: Hello, Monica. (to Rachel) Hello, greeter girl.

Monica: (to Steve) This is Rachel.

Steve: (unconcerned) Yeah, OK.

Phoebe: (overemphasizing) Mmmmmm! Everything smells so delicious! You know, I can't remember a time I smelt such a delicious combination of (Monica signals her to stop) of, OK, smells.

Steve: It's a lovely apartment.

Monica: Oh, thank you. Would you like a tour?

Steve: I was just being polite, but, alright. 

(They leave on the tour and Rachel goes to follow them but Phoebe stops her and drags her into the kitchen.)

Rachel: What's up?

Phoebe: (whispers) In the cab, on the way over, Steve blazed up a doobie.

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: Smoked a joint? You know, lit a bone? Weed? Hemp? Ganja?

Rachel: OK, OK. I'm with you, Cheech. OK.

Steve: (from the living room) Is it dry in here? (licks his lips)

Rachel: Let me, let me get you some wine!

Monica: Yeah, I think we're ready for our first course. (Steve sits, Monica brings over a tray) OK, um, these are rot-shrimp ravioli, and celantro pondou sauce... (Steve starts to eat them one by one, quickly)... with just a touch of mints... and... (he finishes)... ginger.

Steve: Well, smack my ass and call me Judy! These are fantastic!

Monica: I'm so glad you liked them!

Steve: Like 'em? I could eat a hundred of them!

Monica: Oh, well... um, that's all there are of these. But in about eight and a half minutes, we'll be serving some delicious onion tartlets.

Steve: Tartlets. Tartlets. Tartlets. The word has lost all meaning. (he gets up and goes into the kitchen)

Rachel: Excuse me? Can I help you with anything?

Steve: You know, I don't know what I'm looking for. 

(Rachel tries to get Monica's attention to tell her Steve is stoned. She pretends to drag on a joint, and Monica thinks she's giving her the 'OK' signal. Then Rachel does it again, inhaling deeply this time. Monica waves it off as though she doesn't believe it.)

Steve: (from kitchen) Ah, cool! Taco shells! (Rachel motions, "You see!") You know, these are... they're like a little corn envelope.

Monica: (joining him and taking the taco shells) You know that? You don't want to spoil your appetite.

Steve: (looking in cabinets) Hey! Sugar-O's! (grabs the cereal box)

Monica: You know, if you just wait another... six and a half minutes...

Steve: Macaroni and cheese! We gotta make this!

Monica: No, we don't. (reaches for box) 

Steve: Oh, OK. (he drops the box on the floor) Oh, sorry. (When she bends down to pick it up he grabs a package of Gummi-bears from the cabinet.) 

Monica: Why don't you just have a seat here? (he sits at the table, then tries to secretly eat the Gummi-bears. Monica spots him.) OK... give me the Gummi-bears.

Steve: (childishly) No.

Monica: Give them to me.

Steve: Alright, we'll share.

Monica: No, give me the...

Steve: Well then you can't have any. (she grabs for the package, and it breaks open. Gummi-bears fly everywhere, some into the punch bowl on the table.) Bear overboard! I think he's drowning. (he throws some Sugar-O's into the punch bowl) Hey fellows! Grab on a Sugar-O... save yourself! (Mimicking the bears) "Help!  I'm drowning!   Help!"

Monica: (furious) That's it! Dinner is over!

Steve: What?

Monica: What?

Steve: Why?

Monica: Why? It's just that I've waited seven years for an opportunity like this, and you can't even wait four and a half minutes for a stupid onion tartlet?

(The oven goes off.)

Steve: (excited) Hey!

[Scene: Central Perk, all are there except Chandler.]

Joey: What a tool!

Rachel: You don't want to work for a guy like that.

Ross: Yeah!

Monica: I know... it's just... I thought this was, you know... it.

Ross: Look, you'll get there. You're an amazing chef.

Phoebe: Yeah! You know all those yummy noises? I wasn't faking.

(Ross gets up and goes over to the counter and Joey follows him.)

Joey: (to Ross) So, er... how did it go with Celia?

Ross: Oh, I was unbelievable.

Joey: All right, Ross!

Ross: I was the James Michener of dirty talk. It was the most elaborate filth you have ever heard. I mean, there were characters, plot lines, themes, a motif... at one point there were villagers.

Joey: Whoa! And the... (gestures with hands) huh-huh?

Ross: Well, ahem... you know, by the time we'd finished with all the dirty talk, it was kinda late... and we were both kind of exhausted, so uh...

Joey: You cuddled.

Ross: Yeah, which was nice.

Phoebe: You guys wanna try and catch a late movie or something?

Rachel: Maybe, but shouldn't we wait for Chandler?

Joey: Yeah, where the hell is he?

[Scene: Chandler's office, he's on the phone, agitated.]

Chandler: (on phone) Yes, Fran. I know what time it is, but I'm looking at the WENUS and I'm not happy!... (Listens) Oh, really, really, really? Well, let me tell you something... you will care about it, because I care about it! You got it? Good! (slams phone down, then leans back and realizes what just happened) Whooooaaaa....

Closing Credits
[Scene: Phoebe's massage parlour, she has Steve on the table, and is giving him an extra-painful massage.]

Phoebe: How's this? (presses down hard)

Steve: Eeeee!

Phoebe: Sorry. How about over here? (presses down hard again)

Steve: Aaaaah!

Phoebe: See, that just means it's working. Does this hurt? (presses down elsewhere)

Steve: No.

Phoebe: What about this? (she starts using her elbows on his back, he yells in pain)

Steve: Aaaaahhh!!

Phoebe: There you go! (She continues to work him over with her elbows and he continues to yell in pain.)

End


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The One With Two Parts: Part 1

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Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane
Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly
With Minot Adjustments by: Tennant Stuart


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[Scene: Rift抯 Restaurant, as seen in Mad About You, Joey and Chandler are there.]

Chandler: This is unbelievable. It抯 been like a half an hour. If this was a cartoon, you抎 be looking like a ham right about now.

(Ursula Buffay, Phoebe抯 identical twin sister, is waiting on tables in her inimitable manner.)

Joey: There抯 the waitress. Excuse me, Miss. Hello, Miss?

(Ursula spins around looking puzzled, quite unable to tell where the sound is coming from.)

Chandler: It抯 Phoebe! Hi!

(Ursula notices Joey waving his hand, and comes over.)

Ursula: Hi. Okay, will that be all?

Chandler: Wait, wait! Wh-what are you doing here?

Ursula: Yeah, um, I was over there, then you said, "Excuse me, hello Miss," so now I抦 here.

Joey: No, no... how come you are working here?

Ursula: Right, yeah, 抍ause its close to where I live, and the aprons are really cute.

Chandler: Can we start over?

Ursula: Yeah. Okay great. I抦 gonna be over here. (She wanders away.)

Chandler and Joey: No, no, no!

Opening Credits

[Scene: A wintry February day in New York City, snowplows are clearing the streets. Inside Central Perk, all three girls are paying court to Ross.]

Ross: I don抰 know whether he抯 testing me, or just acting out, but my monkey is out of control. But, he keeps erasing the messages on my machine, "supposedly" by accident.

Rachel: No, yeah, I抳e done that.

Ross: And then, like three days in a row he got to the newspaper before I did, and peed all over the crossword.

Rachel: I抳e never done that.

(Outside in the street, Joey and Chandler arrive, to peer through the window at Phoebe, by bending down to look underneath the shop抯 sign梐 large steaming cup of coffee.)

Chandler: All right, now look at her and tell me she doesn抰 look exactly like her sister.

Joey: I抦 sayin?I see a difference.

Chandler: They抮e twins!

Joey: I don抰 care. Phoebe抯 Phoebe. Ursula抯... hot!

(Joey and Chandler come indoors.)

Chandler: You know that thing, when you and I talk to each other about things?

Joey: Yeah.

Chandler: Let抯 not do that any more.

(They hang up their coats and scarves, then approach their friends on the main sofa.)

All: Hey guys! Hey!

Joey: Hey Pheebs, guess who we saw today.

Phoebe: Ooh, ooh, fun! Okay... um, Liam Neeson.

Joey: Nope.

Phoebe: Morly Safer.

Joey: Nope.

Phoebe: The woman who cuts my hair!

Monica: Okay, look, this could be a really long game.

Chandler: Your sister Ursula.

Phoebe: (Her face dropping) Oh, really.

Chandler: Yeah, yeah, she works over at that place, uh...

Phoebe: Rift抯. Yeah, I know.

Chandler: Oh, you do? Because she said you guys haven抰 talked in like years.

Phoebe: Hmmm? Yeah. So, um, is she fat?

Joey: Not from where I was standin?

Phoebe: (Turning to Chandler) where were you standing?

Rachel: Um, Pheebs, so, you guys just don抰 get along?

Phoebe: It抯 mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know, I mean, like, everyone always thought of her as the pretty one, you know... Oh, oh, she was the first one to start walking, even though I did it... later that same day. But, to my parents, by then it was like "yeah, right, well what else is new?"

Ross: Oh, Pheebs, I抦 sorry, I抳e got to go. I抳e got Lamaze class.

Chandler: Oh, and I抳e got Earth Science, but I'll catch you in Gym.

Rachel: So, is this just gonna be you and Carol?

Ross: No, Susan抯 gonna be there too. We抳e got dads, we抳e got lesbians, the whole parenting team.

Rachel: Well, isn抰, isn抰 that gonna be weird?

Ross: No, no. (Distractedly putting on a jacket to go out) I mean, it mighta been at first, but by now I, I think I抦 pretty comfortable with the whole situation.

Monica: Ross, that抯 my jacket.

Ross: I know.

(Rachel grins as Ross removes the girlie jacket, grabs his own, and rushes out.)

[Scene: The Lamaze class, several couples and one trio sit on the floor, introducing themselves to the teacher, who抯 got as far as a woman sitting next to Ross, Carol, and Susan.]

Woman: Hi, we抮e the Rostins. Err, I抦 J.C., and he抯 Michael, and we抮e having a boy, and a girl.

Teacher: Good for you. Alrighty, next?

Ross: Hi, um, I抦 err, (has to clear his throat) I抦 Ross Geller, and err ah... (pats Carol抯 bulge) ..that抯, that抯 my boy in there, and uh, (points) this is Carol Willick, and this... is Susan Bunch. Susan is um Carol抯, just, com... (embarrassment finally overwhelms the poor fellow, who becomes incoherent until) ..who抯 next?

Teacher: I抦 sorry, I didn抰 get... Susan is?

Ross: Susan is Carol抯, Carol抯, Carol抯, friend...

Carol: Life partner.

Ross: Like buddies.

Susan: Like lovers.

Ross: You know how close women can get.

(The teacher smiles, but her eyebrows go up. Susan and Carol pat each other affectionately.)

Carol: Susan and I live together.

Ross: Although I was married to her.

Susan: Carol, not me.

Ross: Err, right.

Carol: It抯 a little complicated.

Ross: A little.

Susan: But we抮e fine.

Ross: Absolutely. (Turns back to the woman next to him.) So, twins... hah! That抯 like two births. (He struggles again.) Ouch.

[Scene : Chandler's Office, Chandler is working.]

(Helen抯 buzzer is heard on the intercom, so Chandler presses his button, too.)

Chandler: And (he imitates the buzzer) to you too, Helen.

Helen: (Over the intercom) Nina Bookbinder is here to see you.

Chandler: Oh, okay. Send her in.

(He hurriedly checks his hair in his computer screen, before taking a sporting trophy from a drawer to place ostentatiously on his desk. An attractive young woman opens the door.)

Nina: Hi.

Chandler: Hi, Nina. Come on in.

Nina: You wanted to see me?

Chandler: Uh, Yes. Yes. I抳e just been going over your data here, and little thing, you抳e been post-dating your Friday numbers.

Nina: Which is bad, because?

Chandler: Well, it throws my WENUS out of whack.

Nina: Your... excuse me?

Chandler: WENUS. (Coughs) Weekly Estimated Net...

Nina: Oh, Net Usage Statistics, right. Gotcha, gotcha. Won抰 happen again. I wouldn抰 want to do anything to hurt your... "wenus."

(Nina beams flirtatiously at Chandler, who catches her drift, but for once he抯 lost for something to say – so she nods her head to tell him that he抯 thinking correctly...)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Chandler, and the girls are dividing some Chinese takeout, while the sitcom Family Matters is playing on the TV.]

Chandler: It抯 not just that she抯 cute, okay. It抯 just that... she抯 really really cute.

Ross: It doesn抰 matter. You don抰 dip your pen in the company ink.

(Marcel scampers about, interfering with the neatness.)

Monica: Ross, your little creature抯 got the remote again.

Ross: Marcel, Marcel, give Rossie the remote. Marcel. Marcel, you give Rossie the remote right now... Marce... you give Rossie the remote...

(Marcel points the remote at Monica抯 television, pressing a particular combination of keys. The logo SAP appears on the screen, and suddenly the dialogue is dubbed into Spanish.)

Monica: Great.

Ross: Relax, I抣l fix it.

Rachel: (Looking at the television) Cool... "Urkel" in Spanish is "Urkel."

Ross: (looking at the remote) How did he do this?

Chandler: (Looking out at the balcony) So tell me something, is leaving the Christmas lights up part of your plan to keep us merry all year long?

(Rachel slowly spins around, finally noticing that the lights have outstayed their welcome.)

Monica: Ah no, you see, someone was supposed to take them down around New Year抯... but obviously someone forgot.

Rachel: Well, someone was supposed to write "Rach, take down the lights" and put it on the re... frigerate... (finally noticing Monica抯 note stuck to the refrigerator) How long has that been there?

(Joey enters, looking extremely pleased with himself.)

Chandler: Hey, where you been?

Joey: I went back to Riff抯. I think Ursula likes me. All I ordered was coffee, she brought me a tuna meltt and four plates of curly fries.

Chandler: Score.

Joey: She is so hot!

Chandler: Yeah, listen. Okay, before you do anything Joey-like, you might wanna run it by err... (he indicates Phoebe, who is helping Ross understand the remote control.)

Joey: Pheebs?

Phoebe: (Jumping up) Yeah?

Joey: You think it would be okay if I asked out your sister?

Phoebe: Why? Why would you wanna... do that?  Why?

Joey: So that if we went out on a date, she抎 be there.

Phoebe: Well, I mean, I抦 not my sister抯, you know, whatever, and um... I mean, it抯 true, we were one egg, once, but err, you know, we抳e grown apart, so, um... I don抰 know, why not? Okay.

Joey: Cool, thanks.

(He happily gestures at Chandler that there was nothing to worry about, then exits. Rachel and Monica are concerned for poor Phoebe, who slides back down next to Ross.)

Ross: You okay?

Phoebe: Yeah I抦 fine.

Ross: You wanna watch Laverne y Shirley?

(The sitcom begins with its familiar refrain, yet with a Latin lilt. Rachel and Monica do a little dance with their chopsticks, and Phoebe has to grin as Ross joins in the rhythm.)

[Scene: Lamaze class. Susan is there. Each couple has a doll, for they have just finished learning how to change a diaper. As Ross rushes in, stepping on the Rostins?pretend baby, squashing its head flat. It bleats, in protest. He performs emergency surgery, then hands the doll back to J.C.]

Ross: Sorry.

Ross: Hi. Sorry I抦 late. Where抯, where抯 Carol?

Susan: Stuck at school. Some parent-teacher thing. You can go. I抣l get the information.

Ross: No... No... No. I think I should stay, I think we should both know what抯 going on.

Susan: Oh, good. This抣l be fun.

Teacher: Alrighty. We抮e gonna start with some basic third stage breathing exercises, so Mummies, why don抰 you get on your back? And... coaches, you should be supporting Mummy抯 head.

(Ross and Susan each gesture for the other to lie down.)

Ross and Susan: What? What? What?

Susan: I am supposed to be the mommy?

Ross: Okay, I抦 gonna play my sperm card one more time.

Susan: Look, I don抰 see why I should have to miss out on the coaching training just because I抦 a woman.

Ross: I see. So what do you propose to do?

Susan: I will flip you for it.

Ross: Flip me for it? No, no, no... heads, heads, heads!

Susan: (Triumphantly) On your back... Mom.

(Ross gets down like all the other mothers, cradled in Susan抯 lap like all the other fathers.)

Teacher: Alright, Mommies, take a nice deep cleansing breath.

(Forgetting herself, Susan does the "Mommy" action with Ross.)

Teacher: Good. Now imagine your vagina is opening like a flower.

(Ross comes out of character to glare into the distance.)

[Scene: Chandler's Office. Chandler is playing with a toy as his boss Mr. Douglas knocks and opens the door.]

Chandler: Mr. D, how抯 it going, sir?

Mr. Douglas: Ohh, it抯 been better. The Annual Net Usage Statistics are in.

Chandler: And?

Mr. Douglas: It抯 pretty ugly. We haven抰 seen an ANUS this bad since the seventies.

Chandler: So what does this mean?

Mr. Douglas: Well, we抮e gonna be layin?off people in every department.

Chandler: Hey, listen, I know I came in late last week, but I slept funny, and my hair was very very –

Mr. Douglas: Not you. Relax. Ever have to fire anyone?

[Scene: Chandler's Office, later that day, Nina is in his office.]

Chandler: Nina? Nina. (He goes around his desk to where she is sitting.) Nina. (In pain) Nina.

(She sympathetically reaches out to fondle the inner thigh of his left leg.)

Nina: Are you okay?

Chandler: (Looking down at her hand) Yes, yes I am. Err, listen, the reason that I called you in here today was, err... please don抰 hate me.

Nina: (Taking her hand away) What?

Chandler: (Suddenly bright) Would you like to have dinner sometime?

(Nina gasps in surprise and relief.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is at the counter, serving coffee to Phoebe.]

Rachel: So Pheebs, what do you want for your birthday?

Phoebe: Well, what I really want is for my mom to be alive and enjoy it with me.

Rachel: Okay... Let me put it this way. Anything from Crabtree and Evelyn?

Phoebe: Ooh! Bath salts would be nice.

Rachel: Ooh, okay... good.

(Jamie Buchman and Fran Devanow enter the coffee house. They look about them as Jamie removes her coat and scarf.)

Jamie: What is this place?

Fran: Look, you抮e cold, I have to pee, and... (indicating the sign) ..there抯 a cup of coffee on the window. How bad could it be?

(Jamie notices Phoebe sitting at the counter.)

Jamie: I think we have an answer.

Fran: What抯 she doing here?

Jamie: This could be God抯 way of telling us to eat at home.

Fran: Think she got fired at Riff抯?

Jamie: No, no, no. We were there last night. She kept... (shuddering at the memory) ..bringing swordfish. (Indicating the ladies?bathroom) are you gonna go to the, um?

Fran: I抦 gonna wait till after we order. It抯 her, right.

Jamie: It looks like her.

(Phoebe walks by, ignoring the two strangers.)

Jamie: Um, excuse me.

Phoebe: Yeah?

Jamie: Hi, it抯 us.

Phoebe: (Smiling blankly) Right, and it抯 me.

Jamie: So, so you抮e here too?

Phoebe: Much as you are.

Jamie: (Without moving her lips) Your turn.

Fran: Err... we know what we want.

Phoebe: (Philosophically) Oh, that抯 good.

Jamie: All we want is two Caffe Lattes.

Fran: And some biscottie cookies.

Phoebe: Good choice.

(Phoebe turns away so that the two weird women won抰 see the face she pulls, and sits down.)

Jamie: Definitely her.

Fran: Yeah.

Commercial break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel抯, Phoebe is watching a Spanish version of The Waltons. At a nearby table sit Monica knitting, Rachel winding a ball of wool, and Chandler supplying them both from a skein which is spread between his hands.]

(Phoebe uses the remote to stop the Spanish by turning off the television.)

Monica: I can抰 believe you. You still haven抰 told that girl she doesn抰 have a job yet?

Chandler: Well, you still haven抰 taken down the Christmas lights.

Monica: Congratulations, I think you抳e found the world抯 thinnest argument.

Chandler: I抦 just trying to find the right moment, you know?

Rachel: Oh, well, that shouldn抰 be so hard, now that you抮e dating. (Imitating men at their worst) "Sweetheart, you抮e fired, but how 抌out a quickie before I go to work?"

(Joey lets himself in, carrying a large paper shopping bag.)

Joey: Hey.

Rachel and Chandler: Hey.

(There is a loud knocking at the door through which Joey has just entered.)

Chandler: You know, once you抮e inside, you don抰 have to knock any more.

Monica: I抣l get it.

(She rises, dragging Chandler along by the wool. Rachel has to leap over a chair to follow them. Monica opens the door to find Mr. Heckles standing there.)

Monica: Oh. Hi, Mr.Heckles.

Mr.Heckles: You抮e doing it again.

Monica: We抮e not doing anything. We抮e just sitting around talking, quietly.

Mr.Heckles: I can hear you through the ceiling. My cats can抰 sleep.

Rachel: You don抰 even have cats.

Mr.Heckles: I could have cats.

Monica: (Closing the door) Goodbye Mr.Heckles.

Rachel: We抣l try to keep it down.

(The wool-bound trio returns to the table. Rachel has to rush ahead to avoid becoming tangled. Joey brings the shopping bag over to Phoebe, and takes out a nice cardigan.)

Joey: Phoebe, could you do me a favour? Could you try this on? I just wanna make sure it fits.

Phoebe: Ooh, my first birthday present... (delightedly examining the cardigan in her lap) ..oh, this is really...

Joey: Oh, no no no. It抯 for Ursula. I just figured, you know, size-wise.

Phoebe: Ohhh... Sure, yeah... (disgustedly dropping the cardigan back into the bag) ..okay, it fits.

(The others have been taking all this in.)

Rachel: Are you seein?her again tonight?

Joey: Yep. Ice Capades.

Chandler: Wow, this is serious. I抳e never known you to pay money for any kind of capade.

Joey: I don抰 know. I like her, you know. She抯 different. There抯 uh, somethin?about her.

Phoebe: That you like, (snappily confronting Joey over the heads of the knitting circle) we get it. You like her. Great!

(The circle freezes in apprehension.)

Joey: Hey, Phoebe, I asked you, and you said it was okay.

Phoebe: Alright, well, maybe now it抯 not okay.

Joey: Okay... Well maybe now I抦 not okay with it not being okay.

Phoebe: Okay.

(An embarrassed silence... finally broken by)

Chandler: Knit, good woman, knit, knit!

(Monica frantically bursts into action as Rachel resumes winding, tangling Chandler抯 wool.)

[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler & Nina are locked in a passionate embrace. Someone knocks, so they hurriedly separate to stare out of the window. Chandler抯 boss opens the door.]

Chandler: And that抯 the Chrysler Building right there.

Mr. Douglas: Nina.

Nina: Mr.Douglas... (flirting defensively) ..cool tie.

(She escapes, fortunately so distracting Mr. Douglas, that he misses Chandler抯 expression of alarm & guilt.)

Mr. Douglas: (Shutting the door, then pointing vaguely at Nina抯 shapely departure) She抯 still here.

Chandler: Yes, yes she is. Didn抰 I memo you on this? See, after I let her go, err, I got a call from her psychiatrist, Dr. Flanen-nen, Dr. Flanen, Dr. Flan. 

(Thinking quickly, Chandler desperately tries to remember anything to do with schizophrenia....) 

Chandler: And err, he informed me that uh, she took the news rather badly, in fact, he uh, mentioned the word frenzy.

Mr. Douglas: You抮e kidding? She seems so...

Chandler: Oh, no, no. Nina... (miming fairies twinkling around his head) ..she is whooo wewee-woo whoo whoo! In fact, if you asked her right now, she would have no recollection of being fired at all, none at all.

Mr. Douglas: That抯 unbelievable.

Chandler: And yet, believable. So I decided not to fire her again until I can be assured that she will be no threat to herself, or others.

Mr. Douglas: I see. I guess you never really know what抯 goin?on inside a person抯 head.

Chandler: Well, I guess that抯 why they call it psychology, sir.

(Mr. Douglas screws up his eyes, trying to credit what Bing has just said, but turning to follow Nina down the corridor, he realises Bing must be telling the truth, since he would not have any personal interest in the girl, would he?)

[Scene: Lamaze class, Ross is again on the floor, cradled in Susan抯 lap, but now Carol is cradled in his lap, and she has a pretend baby, on her lap. The teacher is showing her class a video, which is about to end.]

Soothing male voice: ..a sound Mom and Dad never forget. For this after all, is the miracle of birth.

Teacher: Lights please? And that抯 having a baby. Next week is our final class.

(People start getting up. Ross grabs Carol抯 doll to hold it upside down like a football, slapping it with his other hand.)

Ross: Susan, go deep.

(Susan just glares back, as Ross抯 inappropriate joke falls flat. Meanwhile, a bubble is about to burst...)

Carol: This is impossible. It抯 just impossible.

Susan: What is, honey?

Carol: What that woman... did. I am not doin?that. It抯 just gonna have to stay in, that抯 all, everything will be the same, it抣l just stay in.

Ross: Carol, honey, shhh, shhh, everything抯 gonna be alright.

Carol: (screaming at Ross) Oh, what do you know?  No one's going up to you and saying, "Hi, is that your nostril?  Mind if we push this pot roast through it?"

Susan: Carol, Carol, sweetie. Cleansing breath.

(Both women gulp in air. Ross looks at his "football," then manipulates the head & limbs back into place, until it resembles what it represents.)

Susan: I know it抯 frightening, but, big picture. The birth part is just one day, and when it抯 over, we抮e all gonna be parents for the rest of our lives.

(Ross is staring blankly into space.)

Susan: I mean, that抯 what this is all about, right? Ross? Ross?

[Scene 13: Central Perk, the gang is gathered around Monica comforting her brother, who in a slight state of shock is cuddling a cushion for security.]

Ross: I抦 gonna be a father.

Rachel: This is just occurring to you?

Ross: I always knew I was havin?a baby, I just never realised the baby was having me.

Rachel: (She comforts him too) Oh, you抮e gonna be great!

Ross: Aw, how can you say that? I can抰 even get Marcel to stop eating the bath mat. How am I gonna raise a kid?

Chandler: You know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that, that monkeys and babies are actually different.

(Joey tires of this, so he gets up to leave.)

Phoebe: Where抮e you going?

Joey: Out.

Phoebe: With?

Joey: (Spreading his arms wide) Yes.

Phoebe: Alright, could I just ask you one question?

(Joey nods his head.)

Phoebe: Have you two, you know... like... you know... you know... yet?

Joey: Well, not that it抯 any of your business, but, no, we haven抰, okay?

(Joey walks toward the door, then hesitates and turns back.)

Joey: You meant sex, right?

(Phoebe buttons her lip, while the rest of the gang pretend they抮e not there.)

[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is working as Nina knocks, then opens the door.]

Nina: Do you have a sec?

Chandler: Ah, sure, Nina. What抯 up?

Nina: I don抰 know. For the past couple days, people have been avoiding me and giving me these really strange looks.

Chandler: Oh, well, ah... maybe that抯 because they抮e ah... jealous, of us.

Nina: Maybe. But that doesn抰 explain why they keep taking my scissors.

Chandler: Ah, well, maybe that抯, ah, because you抮e getting a big raise.

Nina: I am?

Chandler: Sure, why not?

Nina: Oh my god! (Rushing over to give him a big hug) You抮e amazing!

Chandler: Oh, you don抰 know. (Presses a button.) Helen, could you make sure we put through the paperwork on Miss Bookbinder抯 raise?

Helen: (Over the intercom) So you still want me to send her psychological profile to Personnel?

Nina: What?

Chandler: Helen drinks. (Insincerely) Will you marry me?

(Nina puts her hands on her hips, then gives Chandler a quizzical look.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel抯, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Phoebe are sharing a bowl of popcorn, while Monica carefully reads the instruction manual for her television set.]

Chandler: Well, I ended up telling her everything.

Rachel: Oh, how抎 she take it?

Chandler: Pretty well. Except for the stapler thing. (He holds up a bandaged hand.) Little tip: if you抮e ever in a similar situation, never ever leave your hand... (he mimes Nina taking her revenge) ..on the desk.

Monica: Okay, I think I get how to do this.

(Monica points the remote at her TV, and punches out a key combination from the book, but the dreaded SAP logo remains and Spanish still comes forth.)

Phoebe: Alright, so, can we turn this off? Can we just make it... make them go away? Because I can抰, I can抰 watch.

Monica: (Remotely turning off the television) okay, Pheebs, they抮e gone.

Phoebe: Okay.

Monica: Are you alright?

Phoebe: Yeah. It抯 just, you know, it抯 this whole stupid Ursula thing, it抯...

Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, can I ask? So, he抯 going out with her. I mean, is it really so terrible?

Phoebe: Um, yeah. Look, I mean, I抦 not saying she抯 like evil or anything. She just, you know, she抯 always breaking my stuff. When I was eight, and I wouldn抰 let her have my Judy Jetson thermos, so she threw it under the bus. And then, oh, and then there was Randy Brown, who was like... Have you ever had a boyfriend who was like your best friend?

Monica and Rachel: (Wistfully, shaking their heads) No.

Phoebe: Well, but that抯 what he was for me. And she you know, kind of stole him away, and then... broke his heart... and then he wouldn抰 even talk to me any more. Because he said he didn抰 wanna be around... anything that looked like either one of us.

Rachel: Oh... Oh, Pheebs.

Phoebe: I mean, I know Joey is not my boyfriend, or my thermos, or anything, but...

Chandler: You抮e not gonna lose him.

Monica: Hon, you gotta talk to Joey.

Phoebe: Yeah. Okay.

Ross: No, come on, he doesn抰 know this stuff. If he knew how you felt.

Phoebe: But he抯 falling in love with her.

Rachel: Oh please, they抳e been going out a week. They haven抰 even slept together yet, I mean, that抯 not serious.

Phoebe: Okay... Okay.

(Monica and Ross indicate that they mean right now.)

Phoebe: Oh, okay, oh.

(Phoebe gets up and walks across the hallway, but the door to Chandler and Joey抯 apartment is shut. She knocks, and anxiously waits for Joey to come, but instead her identical twin sister emerges wearing one of Joey抯 shirts.)

Ursula: (Surprised) Oh.

(Phoebe reels back in shock, while Ursula defiantly leans against the doorpost as though she owns the place.)

Ursula: Yeah, um, may we help you?

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is taking down the Christmas lights. Monica sees her, so she leans out of the small side window.]

Monica: Rachel, what are you doing? It抯 freezing out here. Would you come back inside?

Rachel: No no no no no. You wanted me to take them down, so... (she climbs onto the railing to reach the top of a pole) ..I抦 takin?抏m down. Okay? Whoa! (Screams.)

(Rachel slips, loses her balance, and falls over the edge..)

Monica: Oh-my-god Rachel! (Rushing out to look over the edge) Rachel!

(In the apartment below, Mr.Heckles is trying to relax and read his newspaper, but Rachel is helplessly dangling upside-down with her ankle wrapped up in the Christmas lights.)

Rachel: (To Monica) I抦 okay! I抦 okay! (She knocks on Mr. Heckles's window.) Mr. Heckles, Mr. Heckles could you help me please?

Mr.Heckles: See, this is just the kind of thing I was talking about.

End


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The One With Two Parts, Part 2

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane
Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly
With Minor Adjustments by: Tennant Stuart 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Opening Credits

[Scene: An Emergency Room, Rachel and Monica enter.  Rachel is limping and leaning on Monica for support.]

Rachel: Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow ow. Ow ow ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

(They reach the desk. The bored nurse thinks she's heard it all before.)

Monica: Hi. Uh, my friend here was taking down our Christmas lights, and and she fell off the balcony and may have broken her foot or or ankle or something.

Nurse: My god. You still have your Christmas lights up?

(Rachel glares at the nurse, who gives Monica a form attached to a clipboard.)

Nurse: Fill this out and bring it back to me.

(Monica helps Rachel over to a vacant seat.)

Rachel: Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow.

(Monica starts on the form, while Rachel catches her breath and massages her ankle.)

Monica: Okay, ooh, alright. Name, address... Okay, in case of emergency, call?

Rachel: You.

Monica: Really?

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: Oh, that is so sweet. (Touched, she puts an arm around her friend and kisses her.) Oh gosh, love you. Insurance?

Rachel: Oh, yeah, check it. Definitely, I want some of that.

Monica: (No longer touched) you don't have insurance?

Rachel: Why, how much is this gonna cost?

Monica: I have no idea, but X-rays alone could be a couple hundred dollars.

Rachel: Wel-wel-well what are we gonna do?

Monica: Well there's not much we can do.

Rachel: (Like a big baby) Um... unless, unless I use yours.

Monica: Hah, no no no no no no no no no no.

Rachel: (Tapping the clipboard) well, now, wait a second, who did I just put as my "In case of emergency" person?

Monica: (Looking around to check that no-one's listening, then lowering her voice anyway) That's insurance fraud.

Rachel: Well, alright, then, forget it. (Getting up to go) Might as well just go home. Ow ow ow ow!

Monica: (Jumping up to make Rachel sit down) Okay, okay. I hate this.

Rachel: Thank you. Thank you. I love you.

Monica: (to the nurse) Hi, (tiny laugh) um, I'm gonna need a new set of (tiny laugh) these forms (tiny laugh).

Nurse: Why?

Monica: (Tiny laugh) I am really an idiot. (Tiny laugh) you see, I was filling out my friend's form, and instead of putting her information, (tiny laugh) I put mine.

Nurse: You are an idiot. (She hands over a blank form).

Monica: (Tiny laugh) yep, that's me, (tiny laugh) I am that stupid (tiny laugh).

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, has split up his newspaper so Joey can look at the funnies, while Ross's inappropriate joke at Lamaze class has come back to haunt him.]

Ross: I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.

Chandler and Joey: That's nice.

Ross: No, no, with him. (He mimes holding the baby like a football.) I'm on this field, and they, they hike me the baby... and I, I know I've gotta do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defence is comin' right at me.

Joey: Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.

Ross: Right, but, it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinkin' they can take us. And so I uh, hah-hah, I just heave it down field.

Chandler: What are you crazy? That's a baby!

Joey: He should take the sack?

Ross: Anyway, suddenly I'm down field, and I realise that I'm the one who's supposed to catch him, right? Only I know there is no way I'm gonna get there in time, so I am running, and running, and that, that is when I woke up. See I, I am so not ready to be a father.

Chandler: Hey, you're gonna be fine. You're one of the most caring, most responsible men in North America. You're gonna make a great dad.

Joey: Yeah, Ross. You and the baby just need better blocking.

(Feeling a little better, Ross fetches more coffee.)

Joey: Oh, have either one of you guys ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it real expensive?

Chandler: Well, only if you order stuff.

Joey: I'm takin' Ursula tonight. It's her birthday.

Ross: Wo-wo-whoa. What about Phoebe's birthday?

Joey: When's that?

Ross: Tonight.

Joey: Oh, man. What're the odds of that happening?

(Joey begins to contemplate his ill fortune.)

Ross: You take your time.

(Joey looks at his friends, thinks a bit more, then realises.)

Chandler: There it is! So what're you gonna do?

Joey: What can I do? Look, I don't want to do anything to screw it up with Ursula.

Chandler: And your friend Phoebe?

Joey: Well, if she's my friend, hopefully she'll understand. I mean, wouldn't you guys?

Chandler: Man, if you tried something like that on my birthday, you'd be starin' at the business end of a hissy fit.

(Joey gestures to show that he wouldn't dare...)

[Scene: The Hospital, Monica and Rachel are waiting for the doctors to arrive.   They enter and are played by Noah Wyle and George Clooney.]

Dr. Mitchell: ..you add a pinch of saffron, it makes all the difference.

(They approach the young ladies. Dr. Mitchell consults Ms.Geller's admissions form.)

Dr. Mitchell: Okay, errrr, Monica?

Monica: Yes? (jumping as Rachel punches her arm) ..yes, she is.

Rachel (as Monica): Hi, this is my friend Rachel.

Monica (as Rachel): Hi.

Dr. Mitchell: (Smiling) Hi, err Rachel. I'm Dr.Mitchell.

Dr. Rosen: (Smiling even more and attempting to take over) And I'm his friend, Dr.Rosen.

(Monica and Rachel smile back prettily.)

Rachel: Aren't you a little cute to be a doctor?

Dr. Rosen: Excuse me?

Rachel: I meant er, (struggling to concentrate) young, young, I meant young, young to be a doctor. Oh good, Rach.

Monica (as Rachel): Thank you.

Rachel (as Monica): Right.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone but Joey is waiting for Phoebe to arrive for her surprise birthday party.  Rachel and Monica is telling Chandler about Rachel's incident.]

Rachel: ..so, he said it was just a sprain, and that was it.

Monica: Uh, you left out the stupid part.

Rachel: Not stupid. The very cute, cute, cute doctors asked us out for tomorrow night, and I said "yes."

Monica: I think it's totally insane, I mean, they work for the hospital. It's like returning to the scene of the crime. You know, I say we blow off the dates.

Rachel: What? Monica, they are cute, they are doctors, (spelling it out in the air for her slow friend) cute doctors, doctors who are cute!

Chandler: Alright, what have we learned so far?

(There is a knock at the door. Someone turns the music off, then the whole party runs and hides, except for Monica and Rachel who answer their door. Ross stands in the doorway, holding a box, but everyone is too keyed up to notice that it's him.)

The Whole Party: (Jumping up) SURPRISE!!!

(Ross is so startled that he throws his arms up to defend himself. The box takes off, then lands with a squishy thud, its contents oozing out onto the floor. Ross is not pleased.)

Ross: What the hell are you doing? You scared the crap outta me.

Rachel: Was that the cake?

Ross: Yeah, yeah. I got a lemon schmush.

Monica: Come on, she'll be here any minute.

(The whole party gathers round as Ross puts the box on the coffee table.)

Rachel: I hope it's okay.

(As Ross opens the lid, everybody looks at the mess inside.)

Monica: Oh...

Chandler: (Reading) "Happy Birthday Peehe."

Monica: Well maybe we can make a, a, a 'B' out of one of those roses.

(Phoebe quietly wanders in, to join the tableau.)

Ross: (Still annoyed) Yeah, we'll just use our special cake tools.

Phoebe: Hey, what's going on?

Ross: Oh, we just...

Phoebe's Friends: (Finally noticing the guest of honour) Surprise!

Phoebe: (Delighted) oh, oh, oh! This is so great! Oh my god! This was not at all scary. Hi everybody. Hi Betty! Betty, Hi! (Thrilled) You found Betty! Oh my god! (Hugging people) This is great. Everybody I love is in the same room, (still happy) Where's Joey?

(The party falls flat. Chandler tries to think of a witticism, but even he can't help...)

Chandler: Did you see Betty?

(Betty waggles her fingers to say "Hi", but Phoebe feels her birthday has been ruined by her twin.)

[Scene: A Restaurant, Ross is having lunch with his father who is examining his next forkful.]

Mr. Geller: I tell you one thing, I wouldn't mind having a piece of this sun-dried tomato business. Five years ago, if somebody had said to me, here's a tomato that looks like a prune, I'd say "get out of my office!"

Ross: Dad, before I was born, did you freak out at all?

Mr. Geller: I'm not freaking out, I'm just saying, if somebody had come to me with the idea andndash;

Ross: Dad, dad, dad, I'm talkin' about the whole uh, baby thing. Did you uh, ever get this sort of... panicky, "Oh my god I'm gonna be a father" kind of a thing?

Mr. Geller: No. Your mother really did the work. I was busy with the business. I wasn't around that much. Is that what this is about?

Ross: No, no, Dad, I was just wondering.

Mr. Geller: 'Cause there's time to make up for that. We can do stuff together. You always wanted to go to that Colonial Williamsburg. How 'bout we do that?

Ross: Thanks, Dad, really, I ju... you know, I just, I just needed to know, um... when did you start to feel like a father?

Mr. Geller: Oh, well, I, I guess it musta been the day after you were born. We were in the hospital room, your mother was asleep, and they brought you in and gave you to me. You were this ugly little red thing, and all of a sudden you grabbed my finger with your whole fist. And you squeezed it, so tight. And that's when I knew.

(Ross is so moved by his father's charming story, that he stops eating.)

Mr. Geller: So you don't wanna go to Williamsburg?

Ross: No, we can go to Williamsburg.

Mr. Geller: Eat your fish.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is just getting off of the intercom and turns off the TV which is still in the SAP mode.]

Monica: Rachel, the cute doctors are here.

Rachel: (entering from her room) Okay, coming!

(Monica opens the door for Dr. Mitchell and Dr. Geoffrey.)

Monica: Hi, come on in.

Dr. Mitchell: Hey.

Monica: Hi, Geoffrey.

Rachel: Hi.

Dr. Rosen: Ah here, we brought wine.

Dr. Mitchell: Look at this, it's from the cellars of Ernest and Tova Borgnine, so how could we resist?

Rachel: Oh, that's great. Look at that.

Dr. Rosen: So, Monica, how's the ankle?

Monica: It's uh...

(Rachel discreetly coughs to warn her.)

Monica (as Rachel): ..well, why don't you tell them? After all it, is your ankle.

Rachel (as Monica): You know what, it's feeling a lot better, thank you, um... Well, listen, why don't you two sit down and, and we'll get you some glasses... okay... (They don't know what to do with their coats and Monica points to the living room) STAT!

(Rachel joins Monica who is in the kitchen area, opening the wine bottle. Rachel checks that the doctors aren't listening, then lowers her voice anyway.)

Rachel: Okay, listen, I'm thinking, why don't we just tell them who we really are? I mean, it'll be fine, I really think it'll be fine.

Monica: It will not be fine. We'll get in trouble.

Rachel: Oh, Monica! Would you stop being such a wuss?

Monica: A wuss? Excuse me for living in the real world, okay?

(Back at the couch, Dr. Mitchell and Dr. Rosen have concerns of their own.)

Dr. Mitchell: So?

Dr. Rosen: So... they sss-still seem normal.

Dr. Mitchell: That's because they are.

Dr. Rosen: (Nervously) okay, but you have to admit that every time we go out... Women we meet at the hospital... It turns into...

Dr. Mitchell: Willya relax? Look around. No pagan altars, no piles of bones in the corners, they're fine. (Baring his teeth to clean them with his finger) Go like this. (Dr. Rosen obeys.)

(Meanwhile, back at the sink.)

Monica: I said we are not going to do it, okay? Sometimes you can be such a, a big baby.

Rachel: (Resenting the truth) I am not a baby! You know what? I swear to god, just because you get so uptight every time we...

Monica: Sure, every time, you're such a princess...

Rachel: You know what?

Monica: What?

Rachel: You know what?

Monica: What!?

Rachel: You know what?

Monica: (getting angry) What!!?

Rachel: Every day, you are becoming more and more like your mother.

(Rachel brightly limps back across the apartment with glasses of wine for the cute doctors, leaving an open-mouthed Monica in her wake.)

Rachel: Hello! Here we go!

Dr. Rosen: This is a great place. How long have you lived here?

Rachel: (as Monica) Thanks! I've been here about six years, and Rachel moved in a few months ago.

Monica: (as Rachel) Yeah... (joining the others) ..see, I was supposed to get married, but, um, I left the guy at the altar.

(Rachel tries to hide her alarm, but she squirms in her chair.)

Dr. Mitchell: Really?

Monica: (as Rachel) Yeah... Yeah, I know it's pretty selfish, but haha, hey, that's me. (Indicating a dish on the table) Why don't you try the hummus?

Dr. Rosen: So, Monica, what do you do?

Rachel: (as Monica) Aahh, I'm a... chef at a restaurant uptown.

Dr. Rosen: Good for you.

Rachel: (as Monica) Yeah it is, mostly because I get to boss people around, which I just love to do.

Dr. Rosen: This hummus is great.

Dr. Mitchell: God bless the chickpea.

Monica: (as Rachel) (Suddenly laughing) Oh, god, I am so spoiled... That's it!

(The doctors don't know what to make of all this.)

Rachel: (as Monica) And by the way, have I mentioned that back in high school, I was a cow?

Monica: (as Rachel) I used to wet my bed.

Rachel: (as Monica) I use my breasts to get other people's attention.

Monica: (as Rachel) (Revealing her anger to point at her best friend) We both do that!

(Rachel lets her anger show too. Hideously embarrassed, the doctors drain their glasses in the vicious pause which follows. The telephone rings, but the girls just glower at each other, silently daring the other to move first. Finally both guys jump up, and Michael wins.)

Dr. Mitchell: (on the phone) Monica and Rachel's apartment. Err yeh, aayah, yeh, just one second... (handing it to Monica) ..ah, Rachel, it's your dad.

Monica: (as Rachel) Hi, Dad. No, no, it's me. (Getting up to move further away from Rachel) li-listen, Dad, I can't talk right now, um, but there's something, um... there's something that I've been meaning to tell you...

(Monica glares triumphantly across the room, scaring Rachel who also stands up.)

Rachel: Would you excuse me for a second?

Monica: (as Rachel) Remember back in freshman year? (Talking fast before Rachel can catch her) Well, Billy Dreskin and I had sex on your bed.

(Completely undone by Monica's verbal destruction, Rachel almost loses her balance as she staggers backwards, eyes agog, gasping for breath, and literally not knowing which way to turn. Finally, she escapes into the bathroom while a resigned Dr. Mitchell looks philosophically at Dr. Rosen who seems about remind him of the good old days at the pagan altar.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Ross, Phoebe, Chandler and Monica sit round the coffee table, playing Scrabble. Rachel, still in her dressing gown, is pleading on the phone, her free hand shaking with agitation.]

Rachel: (on phone) Daddy... Daddy... Daddy, why whyyy would I sleep with Billy Dreskin? His father tried to put you out of business! (Rachel turns to Monica, clasping the receiver to her bosom so Dr.Green can't hear, while mouthing "You are...") ...dead!

(Monica smiles a sweet apology of regret, until she's distracted by Marcel as he clambers all over her nice furniture.)

Monica: Ross, he's got the remote again.

Ross: Good. Maybe he can switch it back.

(Marcel changes channel to Bugs Bunny, who is speaking in Spanish.)

Ross: Maybe not.

(Meanwhile, Rachel has taken another call, from a nurse she'd hoped never to hear from again.)

Rachel: Hello? (Listens) Um, yeah, uh, (snapping her fingers at Ross who takes the remote from Marcel, then turns off the TV) Okay ah, hold on a second, lemme lemme just check and see if see if she's here.

(All animosity forgotten, Rachel holds the receiver out as she limps quickly over to her friend, who stands up in concern.)

Rachel: It's the woman from the hospital admissions office. She says there's a problem with the form. Oh, god, oh god...

Rachel and Monica: Oh god, waddawe do, waddawe do, waddawe do?

Monica: I don't know! Why don't you just explain? What do they want? Find out what they want!

Rachel: Okay (desperately hands the receiver over) no, you do it.

Monica: (taking the phone) Hello, this is Monica... Yeah??? Oh... (Smiles at Rachel to reassure her) Okay, yes, we'll be right, we'll be right down.(Listens) Thank you. (Hangs up)

Rachel: What?

Monica: We forgot to sign one of the admissions forms.

Rachel: Ohhh... (slumping in relief) Okay, you were right. You were right! This was just not worth it.

Monica: Thank you.

Rachel: Okay, let me just change.

Monica: Yes.

(Rachel goes to her room.)

Joey: (entering quietly) Hey.

Ross and Chandler: Hey!

Monica: Hi.

Phoebe: Trouble?

Joey: Your sister stood me up the other night.

Phoebe: Oh, no. Don't you hate it when people aren't there for you?

Ross: Well did you try calling her?

Joey: I've been trying for two days. When I called the restaurant, they said she was too busy to talk. I can't believe she's blowin' me off.

(Phoebe wants to be angry with Joey, but as she watches him shaking his head in pain and disbelief, she knows that it isn't his fault.)

[Scene: Riff's, Phoebe is entering. Ursula returns with two plates of chicken, but she only has time to set one on the table, when...]

Phoebe: Hey.

(Ursula turns in surprise.)

Ursula: Oh!

Phoebe: Um you, you got a minute?

Ursula: Um, yeah, I'm just... (waving dismissively at the concept) ..working.

(Ursula points out a vacant table, so the twins walk over, side by side, to sit down. Departing customers walk right past the pair. Sitting at the back, a hungry gentleman looks most annoyed as Ursula sets his meal down in front of her. The girls sit.)

Phoebe: So.

Ursula: Uh-huh.

(Ursula is genuinely pleased that her sister has visited her, after so many years. Phoebe hesitates over how best to begin.)

Phoebe: Um, oh, I got you a birthday present.

(Ursula picks up a fork and begins eating the meat, while Phoebe removes a present from her bag.)

Ursula: Oh, wow! You remembered! (Opening it) Oh! It's a Judy Jetson thermos!

(She laughs at the childhood memory. Phoebe smiles at being able to make her point.)

Phoebe: Right, like the kind you...

Ursula: Right... Oh, I got something for you, too.

(Ursula gets up to fetch a box from her bag by the counter.)

Phoebe: How'd you know I was coming?

Ursula: Um, yeah, um, twin thing.

(Ursula puts the box directly into Phoebe's hand. Phoebe brightens.)

Phoebe: I can't believe you did this.

(Phoebe opens the box, to find something familiar inside.)

Phoebe: I can't believe you... (holding up Joey's cardigan) ..did this.

(Phoebe's smile hardens as she packs the cardigan away.)

Phoebe: So... What's the deal with umm, you and Joey?

Ursula: Oh, right. He is so great. But that's over.

(Ursula resumes eating her lunch..)

Phoebe: Does he know?

Ursula: Who?

Phoebe: Joey. You know, um, he's really nutsy about you.

Ursula: He is? Why?

Phoebe: You got me.

Ursula: Right.

(A waiter comes over for the stolen chicken. Ursula turns to him.)

Ursula: Excuse me. Doesn't this come with a side salad?

(The man gives up, shaking his head.)

Phoebe: So, um, are you gonna call him?

Ursula: What? (Indicating the departing waiter) Do you think he likes me?

Phoebe: No, Joey.

Ursula: Oh. No, no, he is so smart. He'll figure it out. (Offering to share her food) Do you want some chicken?

Phoebe: No. No food with a face.

Ursula: You have not changed!

(Ursula's eyes dance as she laughs and smiles, simply glad to be back with her sister.)

Phoebe: Yeah, you too.

(Trying not to wrinkle her nose, Phoebe smiles back realising it's down to her to make up for her negligent sister. Meanwhile, Ursula still hasn't received her side salad, but when she attempts to attract the waiter's attention, he ignores her.)

[Scene: The Emergency Room. The officious admissions nurse is again on duty. Rachel and Monica enter, looking worried. As they approach the desk, Rachel adopts a winning smile, while Monica struggles to smile at all.]

Rachel: (as Monica) Hi, remember us?

Nurse: (Grimacing) Mmm hmmm.

Monica: (as Rachel) Um, okay. You just called a little while ago about needing a signature on the admissions form. Well, it turns out we need a whole new one (little laugh) because uh, you see, I-I, I put the wrong name again. (Little laugh) 'cause um...

Nurse: You're that stupid.

Monica: (as Rachel) I am. I'm that stupid. (Little laugh.)

Rachel: (as Monica) Yeah, and and, I'm just gonna pay for this with a check.

Nurse: Well, you know your insurance will cover that.

Rachel: (as Monica) Yeah, I know... (mirroring her friend) ..I'm I'm just not that bright either.

(The girls escape with a new form.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is neglecting the game of Scrabble, for he's busily drawing on his own childhood in an attempt to help Ross. Marcel chitters about.]

Chandler: Okay, worst case scenario. Say you never feel like a father.

Ross: Uh-huh.

Chandler: Say your son never feels connected to you, as one. Say all of his relationships are affected by this.

Ross: Do you have a point?

Chandler: You know, you think I would.

(Instead of scampering, Marcel stretches his neck as much as possible, and makes an unvoiced noise from his throat.)

Chandler: What's up with the simian?

Ross: It's just a fur ball.

Chandler: Okay... (returning to the board) ..whose turn is it?

Ross: Yours, I just got 43 points for 'KIDNEY'.

Chandler: No, no, you got zero points for 'IDNEY'.

Ross: I had a 'K'. Where's where's my 'K'?

(The unvoiced hissing continues. In alarm, Ross and Chandler look at the monkey, who is now in some distress.)

[Scene: The Emergency Room, Monica sits with Rachel, who is filling out an honest form at last. Ross and Chandler hurtle in. Little Marcel, wrapped in a fluffy towel, is cradled in Ross's arms. They dash up to the admissions desk. Ross is frantic.]

Ross: You've got to help me my monkey swallowed a 'K'!

(Hearing her brother's voice, Monica gets up to stand behind Chandler, followed by Rachel.)

Nurse: (angrily) You go get that animal outta here.

Ross: No, no you don't understand the animal hospital is way across town he's choking I don't know what else to do.

Monica: What's goin' on?

(Ross and Chandler turn at the voice...)

Chandler: Marcel swallowed a Scrabble tile.

Rachel: Oh.

(..then turn back to the desk when the surprise hits them, and Ross and Chandler whip around once more. Monica and Rachel recoil slightly.)

Nurse: Excuse me... This hospital is for people!

Ross: Lady, he is people. He has a name, okay? He watches Jeopardy! He he touches himself when nobody's watching. Please, please have a heart!

(Ross's vigorous protest is attracting attention.)

Dr. Mitchell: I'll take a look at him.

(Rachel, Monica, Ross and Chandler whip around for a second time, in formation.)

Rachel and Monica: Oh, thank you.

Monica: Michael.

Dr. Mitchell: Rachel.

Rachel: What?

Monica: (as Rachel) Monica.

Rachel: (as Monica) Oh.

Monica: (as Rachel) Hi.

Rachel: (as Monica) Hi.

(Monica smiles to cover her embarrassment, but Rachel sadly looks away...)

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is playing "She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not" with the petals of a flower, alternately looking hopeful and annoyed. Phoebe enters, but not as herself, for she has changed the style of her hair and make-up to match that of her twin sister. She hangs up her coat, revealing her new cardigan. Nervously, she smooths out the identifying garment, approaching Joey who sits next to the main sofa.]

Phoebe: (as Ursula) Hey.

Joey: Urse...

(Phoebe nods as he stands up in delight.)

Joey: ..ah, what're you doing here? I've been trying to call you.

Phoebe: (as Ursula) Listen, um...

Joey: No, no, no, don't say "listen." I know that "listen." I've said that "listen."

Phoebe: (as Ursula) I'm sorry.

Joey: I don't get it. What happened? What about everything you said under the bridge?

(Phoebe is almost thrown by this.)

Phoebe: (as Ursula): Yeah, um... (nervously clears her throat) You know you, you should just forget about what I said under the bridge, I was talkin' crazy that night, I was so drunk!

Joey: You don't drink.

Phoebe: (as Ursula) That's right, I don't... But I was, I was drunk on you!

Joey: Oh, Urse... (He tries to take her in his arms, but she fends him off.)

Phoebe: (as Ursula) Okay, yeah, so it's not gonna work.

Joey: Why? Is it because I'm friends with Phoebe?

Phoebe: (as Ursula) If it was, would you stop hanging out with her?

Joey: (Thinking carefully) no. No, I, I couldn't do that.

Phoebe: (as Ursula) Um, then yes, it's 'cause of Phoebe! So, you know, it's either her or me.

Joey: Then, uh, then I'm sorry.

(He sinks to the sofa, saddened by Ursula's ultimatum, while Phoebe follows, touched by Joey's good heart.)

Phoebe: (as Ursula) You know... (unconsciously putting a hand on his knee) You're gonna be really, really hard to get over.

Joey: I know...

(He looks up at her face and Phoebe, slipping out of character, smiles back at him. Joey's voice becomes soft and warm.)

Joey: I don't know whether it's just 'cause we're breakin' up or... what, but you have never looked so beautiful.

Phoebe: Really?

(Phoebe smiles, when Joey takes her face in his hands and kisses her. Joey gets up to leave but stops suddenly. Phoebe silently shouts "Oh, whoa!!" to herself, and leans back in the sofa to recover, a hand to her tingling lips. A thoughtful Joey is also feeling his lips, so he hesitates for a moment, then returns for a better view, he thinks again, cocking his head from side to side to regard her profile from various angles, then...)

Joey: Pheebs?

Phoebe: (Automatically) Yeah. Oooh... (she's sprung.)

[Scene: The Hospital, Marcel lies on the operating table while recovering from the anaesthetic, tucked up under a sheet like an infant in a huge bed. Ross sits beside him, as a smiling Chandler, Monica and Rachel look on.]

Ross: He looks so tiny.

(The door bursts open, and Joey and Phoebe rush in.)

Joey: We just got the message.

Phoebe: Is he alright?

Ross: Yeah. The doctor got the 'K' out. He also found an 'M' and an 'O'.

Chandler: We think he was trying to spell out 'MONKEY.'

(Ross does not approve of Chandler's daft theory.)

Ross: Well, the doctor says he's gonna be fine, he's just sleeping now.

Chandler: (Tapping Ross on his shoulder) So, you feel like a dad yet?

Ross: No, why?

Chandler: Hey, come on, you came through, you did what you had to do. That is very dad.

(Ross does approve of this, but he's still not sure. The tiny figure stirs.)

Monica: Oh, look, he's waking up!

Ross: (Quietly) hey, fella! How you doing?

(All of a sudden, Marcel grabs Ross's finger with his whole fist, and he squeezes it, so tight, that Ross finally knows what it is to be a father. He looks up at his friends, who smile encouragingly, Rachel tenderly resting her chin upon Monica's shoulder. Ross realises that Chandler was right and he's gonna make a great dad!)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Joey is there.  Rachel is looking out of the window and Ross is handing out some Chinese takeout.  There's a small SAP in the corner of the screen.]

Ross: Aqui est? (Here it is!)

Monica: 緼 qui閚 pidio el pollo General Tso? (Who ordered General Sal's chicken?)

Chandler: udo aver sido General Tso! (It could've been General Sal!)

(Rachel points out of the window.)

Rachel: ira, mira, el viejo desnudo est?haciendo el hula hoop! (Look, look, Ugly Naked Guy is doing the hula!)

(The others rush to the window for a look.)

All:www! (Ewww!)

(Joey enters, happy again.)

All: ola, Joey! (Hi, Joey!)

Joey: ola, amigos! (Hey, everybody!)

(Marcel grabs the remote.)

Monica: Mira, Ross, Marcel se llevo el control remoto. (Look, Ross, Marcel's got the remote.)

Ross: o que sucedio es que no le gusta la tele! (The thing is, he doesn`t like the program!)

(Everybody laughs.)

End


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The One With All The Poker

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Written by: Jeffrey Astrof and Mike Sikowitz. .
Transcribed by: Dan Silverstein


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(The whole gang is helping Rachel mail out resumes while whistling the theme from The Bridge on the River Kwai.)

Ross: Uh, Rach, we're running low on resumes over here.

Monica: Do you really want a job with Popular Mechanics?

Chandler: Well, if you're gonna work for mechanics, those are the ones to work for.

Rachel: Hey, look, you guys, I'm going for anything here, OK? I cannot be a waitress anymore, I mean it. I'm sick of the lousy tips, I'm sick of being called 'Excuse me...'

Ross: Rach, did you proofread these?

Rachel: Uh... yeah, why?

Ross: Uh, nothing, I'm sure they'll be impressed with your excellent compuper skills.

Rachel: (upset) Oh my Goood! Oh, do you think it's on all of them?

Joey: Oh no, I'm sure the Xerox machine caught a few.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler are sitting at a table. Rachel is working. Monica and Phoebe enter.]

Monica: Hey, guys.

Chandler and Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Hey... hi, ladies... uh, can I get you anything? (to Monica, quietly): Did you bring the mail?

Monica: Lots of responses.

Rachel: (to Monica): Really? (out loud): Sure, we have scones left! (to Monica): OK, read them to me.

Phoebe: (reading): Dear Ms. Green, thank you for your inquiry, however... oh... (crumples up letter)

Rachel: (out loud): We have apple cinnamon...

Monica: (reading): OK... Dear Ms. Green... yeah... yeah... yeah... No. (crumpes up letter)

Phoebe: Wow!

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: (reading): Your Visa bill is huge!

Rachel: (grabs the bill) Give me that!

(Camera cuts to Chandler and Ross at table.)

Chandler: You know, I can't believe you. Linda is so great! Why won't you go out with her again?

Ross: I don't know.

Chandler: Is this still about her whole 'The Flintstones could've really happened' thing?

Ross: No, it's not just that. It's just桰 want someone who... who does something for me, y'know? Who gets my heart pounding, who... who makes me, uh... (begins to stare lovingly at Rachel)

Chandler: ...little playthings with yarn?

Ross: What?

Chandler: Could you want her more?

Ross: Who?

Chandler: (sarcastically) Dee, the sarcastic sister from Whats Happening.

Ross: Look, I am totally, totally over her, OK, I just... (Rachel comes over, Ross lays head on table): Hiiii!

Rachel: Hi! How are you?

Ross: We're fine, we're fine.

Rachel: OK. (walks away) 

(Ross keeps staring at her, head on table. Chandler smacks him with a newspaper. Joey enters, Ross and Chandler laugh at him.)

Joey: Shut up!

Chandler: We're not梬e're not saying anything.

Phoebe: What?

Ross: Uhhhh... Joey cried last night.

Joey: Thank you.

Chandler: (to the girls) We were playing poker, alright...

Joey: There was chocolate on the three. It looked like an eight, alright?

Ross: Oh, guys, you should've seen him. 'Read 'em and weep.'

Chandler: And then he did.

Rachel: Well, now, how come you guys have never played poker with us?

Phoebe: Yeah, what is that? Like, some kind of guy thing? Like, some kind of sexist guy thing? Like it's poker, so only guys can play?

Ross: No, women are welcome to play.

Phoebe: Oh, OK, so then what is it? Some kind of... you know, like, like... some kind of, y'know, like... alright, what is it?

Chandler: There just don't happen to be any women in our games.

Joey: Yeah, we just don't happen to know any women that know how to play poker.

Girls: Oh, yeah, right.

Monica: Oh, please, that is such a lame excuse!

Rachel: Really.

Monica: I mean, that's a typical guy response.

Ross: Excuse me, do any of you know how to play?

Girls: No.

Rachel: But you could teach us.

Guys: No.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the guys are teaching the girls how to play poker.]

Chandler: (teaching) OK, so now we draw cards.

Monica: So I wouldn't need any, right? Cause I have a straight.

Rachel: Oh, good for you!

Phoebe: Congratulations!

(Microwave timer goes off. Monica gets up.)

Chandler: OK Phoebs, how many do you want?

Phoebe: OK, I just need two... the, um, ten of spades and the six of clubs.

Ross: No. No, uh, Phoebs? You can't梱ou can't do...

Rachel: Oh wait, I have the ten of spades! Here! (gives it to Phoebe)

Ross: No, no. Uh... no, see, uh, you-you can't do that.

Rachel: Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no, that's OK, I don't need them. I'm going for fours.

Ross: Oh, you're... (gives up)

(Monica comes back to the table with plates of food.)

Monica: Alright, here we go. We've got salmon roulettes and assorted crudites.

Phoebe and Rachel: OOooooo!

Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Monica, what're you doin'? This is a poker game. You can't serve food with more than one syllable. It's gotta be like chips, or dip, or pretz...(look of realization)

Chandler: (changing subject) OK, so at this point, the dealer...

Monica: Alright, you know, we got it, we got it. Let's play for real. High stakes... big bucks...

Ross: Alright, now, you sure? Phoebe just threw away two jacks because they didn't look happy...

Phoebe: But... I'm ready, so, just deal.

Chandler: OK, alright, last minute lesson, last minute lesson. (holds up two cards) Joey... three... eight. Eight... three. (Joey is unamused) Alright babe, deal the cards.

(Time lapse.)

Monica: (throws down her cards) Dammit, dammit, dammit!

Phoebe: (to Joey): Oh I see, so then, you were lying.

Joey: About what?

Phoebe: About how good your cards were.

Joey: Heh... I was bluffing.

Phoebe: A-ha! And... what is bluffing? Is it not another word for... lying?

Rachel: OK, sorry to break up this party, but I've got resumes to fax before work tomorrow... (gets up to leave)

Guys: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Chandler: Rach, Rach, we gotta settle.

Rachel: Settle what?

Chandler: The... Jamestown colony of Virginia. You see, King George is giving us the land, so...

Ross: The game, Rachel, the game. You owe us money for the game.

Rachel: Oh. Right.

Joey: You know what, you guys? It's their first time, why don't we just forget about the money, alright?

Monica: Hell no, we'll pay!

Phoebe: OK, Monica? I had another answer all ready.

Monica: And you know what? We want a rematch.

Ross: Well that's fine with me. Could use the money.

Rachel: (to Ross): So basically, you get your ya-yas by taking money from all of your friends.

Ross: (pause)...Yeah.

Chandler: Yes, and I get my ya-yas from Ikea. You have to put them together yourself, but they cost a little less.

Ross: Look, Rachel, this is poker. I play to win, alright? In order for me to win, other people have to lose. So if you're gonna play poker with me, don't expect me to be a 'nice guy,' OK? Cause once those cards are dealt... (claps hands three times)

Joey: (pause)...Yeah?

Ross: I'm not a nice guy.

[Scene: Ross' apartment. Chandler and Joey are there. Ross enters with a pizza.]

Ross: Alright boys, let's eat.

Chandler: Oh, did you get that from the 'I Love Rachel' pizzeria?

Ross: You still on that?

Chandler: Oh, come on. What was with that whole Black Bart speech? (mimicking): "When I play poker, I'm not a nice guy!"

Ross: You are way off, pal.

Joey: No, I don't think so, see Ross, because I think you love her.

Ross: Um.... no. See, I might've had feelings for her at one time梟ot any more. I just桰...

(Marcel makes a screeching noise in background.)

Ross: Marcel! Where are you going with that disc?

(Marcel puts a CD in the player.)

Ross: You are not putting that on again! Marcel, OK梚f you press that button, you are in very, very big trouble.

(The Lion Sleeps Tonight starts to play. Marcel starts to dance.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe are there.]

Rachel: (opening mail) Can you believe what a jerk Ross was being?

Monica: Yeah, I know. He can get really competitive.

Phoebe: Ha. Ha, ha.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Oh, hello, kettle? This is Monica. You're black.

Monica: Please! I am not as bad as Ross.

Rachel: Oh, I beg to differ. The Pictionary incident?

Monica: That was not an incident! I-I was gesturing, a-and the plate slipped out of my hand.

Rachel: Oooooh. (reads letter) (surprised): Oh! I got an interview! I got an interview!

Monica: You're kidding! Where? Where?

Rachel: (in disbelief): Sak's... Fifth... Avenue.

Monica: Oh, Rachel!

Phoebe: Oh, it's like the mother ship is calling you home.

Monica: Well, what's the job?

Rachel: Assistant buyer. Oh! I would be shopping... for a living!

(Knock on door.)

Monica: OK, look. That is Aunt Iris. This woman has been playing poker since she was five. You gotta listen to every word she says. (opens door) Hi!

Aunt Iris: Is Tony Randall dead?

Rachel: No.

Monica: I don't think so.

Rachel: Why?

Aunt Iris: Well, he may be now, because I think I hit him with my car.

Monica: What?

Rachel: Oh my God!

Monica: Really?

Aunt Iris: No! That's bluffing. Lesson number one. (walks into kitchen) Let me tell you something... everything you hear at a poker game is pure crap. (to Phoebe): Nice earrings.

Phoebe: Thank y... (thinks about it)

Aunt Iris: Girls, sit down.

Monica: Uh, Aunt Iris? This is Phoebe, and that's Rachel...

Aunt Iris: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, listen, I am parked at a meter. Let's do it.

[Scene: Ross's apartment, everyone but Rachel is seated around his table. The Lion Sleep Tonight plays in the background.]

Phoebe: Ross, could we please, please, please listen to anything else?

Ross: Alright.

(Ross shuts off the CD player. Marcel runs into the bedroom and slams the door.)

Ross: I'm gonna pay for that tonight.

(Knock on door. Ross opens it. Rachel enters.)

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Guys! Guess what, guess what, guess what, guess what!

Chandler: Um, ok... the... the fifth dentist caved and now they're all recommending Trident?

Rachel: Noooo... the interview! She loved me! She absolutely loved me. We talked for like two and a half hours, we have the same taste in clothes, and梠h, I went to camp with her cousin... And, oh, the job is perfect. I can do this. I can do this well!

All: That's great! That's wonderful!

Rachel: Oh God, oh, and then she told the funniest story...

Monica: OK, great. You'll tell us and we'll laugh. Let's play poker.

Joey: Alright now listen, you guys, we talked about it, and if you don't want to play, we completely understand.

Chandler: Oh yes, yes, we could play some other game... like, uh, I don't know... Pictionary?

(The guys all duck under the table.)

Monica: Ha, ha, very funny, very funny. But I think we'd like to give poker another try. Shall we, ladies?

Phoebe and Rachel: Yes, we should. I think we should.

Ross: Uh, Rach, do you want me to shuffle those?

Rachel: No, no, thats OK. Y'know, I think I'm gonna give it a go.

Ross: Alright.

Rachel: Alright... (shuffles cards expertly, all the guys stare in amazement)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Ross's Apartment, continued from earlier.]

Ross: So, Phoebs owes $7.50, Monica, you owe $10, and Rachel, you owe fifteen big ones.

Joey: But hey, thanks for teachin' us Cross-Eyed Mary. You guys, we gotta play that at our regular game.

Phoebe: Alright, here's my $7.50. (Hands them the money) But I think you should know that this money is cursed.

Joey: What?

Phoebe: Oh, I cursed it. So now bad things will happen to he who spends it.

Chandler: That's alright, I'll take it. Bad things happen to me anyway. This way I can break 'em up with a movie.

Ross: Well, that just leaves the big Green poker machine, who owes fifteen...

Rachel: Mmm-hmmm. Oh, so typical. Ooo, I'm a man. Ooo, I have a penis. Ooo, I have to win money to exert my power over women. (hands over her money)

Monica: You know what? This is not over. We will play you again, and we will win, and you will lose, and you will beg, and we will laugh, and we will take every last dime you have, and you will hate yourselves forever.

Rachel: Hmm. Kinda stepped on my point there, Mon.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there ready for another poker game.]

Ross: So, you gals wanna hand over your money now? That way, we don't have to go through the formality of actually playing.

Rachel: Ooooh, that's fine. We'll see who has the last laugh there, monkey boy.

Monica: OK, we done with the chit-chat? Are we ready to play some serious poker?

Phoebe: (holding a card and waving it in front of her face) Hey you guys, look, the one-eyed jack follows me wherever I go. (they look at her) Right, OK, serious poker.

(Ross gets up from the table.)

Monica: Excuse me, where are you going?

Ross: Uh... to the bathroom.

Monica: Do you want to go to the bathroom, or do you wanna play poker?

Ross: I want to go to the bathroom. (exits)

Joey: Alright, well, I'm gonna order a pizza. (gets up)

Rachel: Oh no-no-no-no-no, I'm still waiting to hear from that job and the store closes at nine, so you can eat then.

Joey: That's fine. I'll just have a Tic-Tac to hold me over.

Monica: Alright, Cincinnati, no blinds, everybody ante. (deals cards)

Phoebe: (looks at her cards) Yes! (everyone looks at her) .... or no.

(Ross comes back from bathroom.)

Ross: Alright. (to Rachel): Your money's mine, Green.

Rachel: Your fly is open, Geller. (he checks it, and zips up)

(Time lapse.)

Phoebe: You guys, you know what I just realized? 'Joker' is 'poker' with a 'J.' Coincidence?

Chandler: Hey, that's... that's 'joincidence' with a 'C'!

Joey: Uh... Phoebe? Phoebe?

Phoebe: Yeah. Um... I'm out. (throws in cards)

Rachel: I'm in.

Monica: Me too.

Joey: Me too. Alright, whattaya got.

Ross: Well, you better hop outta the shower, cause... I gotta flush. (lays down cards)

Rachel: Well, well, well, hop back in bucko, cause I got four sixes! (lays down cards) I won! I actually won! Oh my God! Y'know what? (collects chips) I think I'm gonna make a little Ross pile. (holds up a chip) I think that one was Ross's, and I think梠h梩hat one was Ross's. Yes! (Starts singing): Well, I have got your money, and you'll never see it...

(Ross stands up.)

Rachel: And your fly's still open...

(Ross looks down.)

Rachel: Ha, I made you look.... 

(Time lapse.)

Rachel: I couldn't be inner. Monica?

Phoebe: Monica, in or out?

Monica: (slams down cards) I hate this game! 

(Joey slides a plate away from Monica towards Chandler, who hides it under the table.)

Phoebe: OK Joey, your bet.

Joey: Ahhh, I fold like a cheap hooker who got hit in the stomach by a fat guy with sores on his face. (the girls look at him, confused) Oh, I'm out.

Phoebe: Ross?

Ross: Oh, I am very in.

Phoebe: Chandler?

Chandler: Couldn't be more out. (throws in cards)

Phoebe: Me too. Rachel.

Rachel: Uh, I will see you... and I'll raise you. (throws chips in pot) What do you say... want to waste another buck?

Ross: No, not this time. (he folds) So... what'd you have?

Rachel: I'm not telling. (collects chips)

Ross: Come on, show them to me. (reaches for her cards, Rachel covers them up)

Rachel: No..!

Ross: Show them to me!

Rachel: Get your hands out of there! No!

Ross: Let me see! Show them!

Chandler: Y'know, I've had dates like this.

Rachel: (deals new hand) Boy, you really can't stand to lose, can you? Your whole face is getting red... little veins popping out on your temple...

Phoebe: Plus that shirt doesn't really match those pants.

(Ross is visibly upset.)

Ross: First of all, I'm not losing...

Rachel: Oh, you are losing. Definitely losing. (phone rings)

Ross: Let's not talk about losing. Just deal the...

Rachel: (answering phone) Hel-lo, Rachel Green.

Ross: (mimicking Rachel) Mee mee, mee-mee mee.

Rachel: (on phone) Excuse me. (covers up phone; to Ross) It's about the job.

(Rachel walks into kitchen to talk on the phone.)

Rachel: Barbara! Hi, how are you? (Listens) Uh-huh. (Listens) No, I understand. Yeah. Oh, oh, come on, no, I'm fine. Don't be silly. Yeah... oh, but you know, if-if anything else opens up, plea桯ello? Hello? (hangs up phone, very depressed)

(Rachel goes back and sits down. The rest don't know what to say.)

Monica: Sorry, Rach.

Phoebe: Y'know, there's gonna be lots of other stuff.

Rachel: Yeah...(sigh)....OK. Where were we? Oh, OK... five card draw, uh... jacks or better... nothing wild, everybody ante.

Joey: Look, Rachel, we don't have to do this.

Rachel: Yes, we do. (pause)

Monica: Alright, check.

Joey: Check.

Ross: I'm in for fifty cents. (throws it in)

Chandler: Call.

Phoebe: I'm in.

Rachel: I see your fifty cents... and I raise you... five dollars. (throws it in)

Ross: I thought, uh... it was a fifty cent limit.

Rachel: Well, I just lost a job, and I'd like to raise the bet five bucks. Does anybody have a problem with that?

(Everyone says no and folds, except for Ross, who thinks about it.)

Rachel: (to Ross): Loser?

(Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Phoebe back their chairs away from the table.)

Ross: No, I fold. (lays cards down, and gets up)

Rachel: What do you mean, you fold? Hey, come on! What is this? I thought that 'once the cards were dealt, I'm not a nice guy.' I mean, what, were you just full of it?

(Ross thinks it over, finally sits down and picks up his cards.)

Ross: I'm in. (throws in chips)

Rachel: How many you want?

Ross: One. (Rachel gives him the card.)

Rachel: Dealer takes two. (she deals herself two cards) What do you bet?

Ross: I bet two dollars. (throws it in)

Rachel: OK... see your two... and I raise you twenty. (throws it in)

Ross: I see your twenty, raise you twenty-five. (throws it in)

(The other four look amazed at the large pot.)

Rachel: See your twenty-five...and...uh, Monica, get my purse.

(Monica gets up, looks in Rachel's purse.)

Monica: Rachel, there's nothing in it.

Rachel: OK, then get me your purse.

(Monica gets Rachel her purse.)

Monica: OK, here you go. Good luck.

Rachel: (to Monica): Thank you. (to Ross): I saw your twenty-five, and I raise you... seven.

Phoebe: ...teen! (throws in a ten-dollar bill)

(Ross looks in his wallet, pulls out two dollars.)

Ross: (to Joey): Joey, I'm a little shy.

Joey: That's OK, Ross, you can ask me. What?

(Ross looks at Joey, dumbfounded at his stupidity.)

Chandler: (to Ross): What do you need, what do you need?

Ross: Fifteen.

Chandler: Alright, here's ten. (gives it to him)

Joey: Here, I got five, I got five. (Ross takes the money)

Ross: Thank you.

Chandler: Good luck.

Ross: (to Rachel): OK, I am calling your seventeen. What do you got?

(Long pause as they both look at each other.)

Rachel: (lays down cards) Full house.

(Ross stares at her. Thinks about it. Puts cards on table, face down.)

Ross: You got me.

(Monica and Phoebe get up and start celebrating in the kitchen, pouring wine and singing. Rachel, shocked, goes to join them.)

Joey: (to Ross): Ahhh, that's alright. Y'know, that's a tough hand to beat.

Chandler: (to Ross): I thought we had them!

Ross: Oh, well, when you don't have the cards, you don't have the cards, you know. (looks at Rachel) But, uh... look how happy she is. (smiles)

(Chandler and Joey look at her, and then look back at him. They dive for Ross's hand to see what he had, and he tries to stop them from looking.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, all six are playing Pictionary at Monica's apartment. Monica is drawing a picture, and the three guys are guessing. She draws what looks like an airplane.]

Chandler: Airplane! Airport! Airport '75! Airport '77! Airport '79!

(Timer goes off.)

Rachel: Oh, time's up.

Monica: (pointing at the drawing, upset) Bye... bye... BIRDIE.

Joey: Oh!

Phoebe: That's a bird?

(Monica glares at Phoebe.)

Phoebe: That's a bird!

(Monica sits, Rachel gets up.)

Rachel: OK, OK, it's my turn. (reads the answer)

Chandler: Go.

(Rachel starts drawing what looks like a bean.)

Ross: Uh.... bean! Bean!

(Rachel begins tapping the picture of the bean frantically.)

Joey: (triumphantly) The Unbearable Likeness of Being!

Rachel: Yes!

Monica: That, you get? That, you get?

(Monica picks up a glass to take a drink, everyone ducks as though she was about to throw it.)

End


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The One Where the Monkey Gets Away

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Written by: Jeffrey Astrof & Mike Sikowitz
Transcribed by: guineapig

{Transcriber's Note: The credits list two characters, Tia and Samantha, who I assume are the sweaty women Joey and Chandler meet. However, I don't know which is which, so I've simply called them Woman #1 and Woman #2.}


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[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is talking to a customer.]

Rachel: Okay, okay, I checked. We have: Earl Grey, English Breakfast, Cinnamon Stick, Camomile, Mint Medley, Blackberry, and.. oh, wait, there's one more, um.. Lemon Soother. You're not the guy that asked for the tea, are you? (Guy shakes his head) Okay.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica enters with some mail.]

Monica: Mail call, Rachel Green, bunk seven.

Rachel: Thank you. (Examines it) Oh, cool! Free sample of coffee!

Monica: Oh good! 'Cause where else would we get any?

Rachel: Oh. Right. ...Oh great.

Monica: What is it?

Rachel: Country club newsletter. My mother sends me the engagement notices for 'inspiration.' Oh my God! Oh my God, it's Barry and Mindy!

Monica: Barry who you almost...?

Rachel: Barry who I almost.

Monica: And Mindy, your maid of...?

Rachel: Mindy, my maid of. Oh!

Monica: (Takes it) That's Mindy? Wow, she is pretty. (Sees Rachel's look) Lucky. To have had a friend like you.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Ross are eating Chinese.]

Ross: Marcel. Bring me the rice, c'mon. Bring me the rice, c'mon. Good boy. Good boy. C'mere, gimme the rice. (Marcel brings the rice) Thank you, good boy. Well, I see he's finally mastered the difference between 'bring me the' and 'pee in the'. (Rachel ignores him) 'Bring me the' and- Rach?

Rachel: What?

Ross: Hi.

Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, this is so stupid! I mean, I gave Barry up, right? I should be happy for them! I am, I'm happy for them.

Ross: Really.

Rachel: No. Oh, oh, I guess it would be different if I were- with somebody.

Ross: Whoah, uh, what happened to, uh, 'Forget relationships! I'm done with men!' The whole, uh, penis embargo?

Rachel: Oh, I don't know. I guess it's not about no guys, it's about the right guy, y'know? I mean, with Barry, it was safe and it was easy, but there was no heat. With Paolo, that's all there was, was heat! And it was just this raw, animal, sexual...

Ross: Wait-wait. I, I got it. I was there.

Rachel: Well, I mean, do you think you can ever have both? Y'know? Someone who's like, who's like your best friend, but then also can make your toes curl?

Ross: Yes. Yes. Yes! Yes, I really do! In fact, it's funny, very often, someone who you wouldn't think could-could curl your toes, might just be the one who...

(Enter the other four)

Monica: Hi.

Ross: ...Gets interrupted. Hi!

Rachel: Hi, how was the movie?

Monica: Wonderful!

Phoebe: So good!

Joey: Suck-fest.

Chandler: Toootal chick-flick.

Phoebe: I-I'm sorry it wasn't one of those movies with, like, y'know, guns and bombs and, like, buses going really fast...

Joey: Hey, I don't need violence to enjoy a movie. Just so long as there's a little nudity.

Monica: There was nudity!

Joey: I meant female nudity. Alright? I don't need to see Lou Grant frolicking.

Monica and Phoebe: Hugh! Hugh Grant!

Ross: Alright, I've gotta go. C'mon, Marcel! C'mon! We're gonna go take a bath. Yes we are, aren't we? Yes, we are.

Chandler: They're still just friends, right?

Rachel: (To Marcel) And I will see you tomorrow!

Ross: That's right, you're gonna spend tomorrow at Aunt Rachel's, aren't you.

Monica: Oh, hang on, hang on. Does Aunt Monica get a say in this?

Ross: 'Pwease, Aunt Monica, pwease?' Oh, unclench. You're not even gonna be there.

[Scene: Joe-G's Pizza, the guys are there.]

Chandler: I can't believe we are even having this discussion.

Joey: I agree. I'm, like, in disbelief.

Chandler: I mean, don't you think if things were gonna happen with Rachel, they would've happened already?

Ross: I'm telling you, she said she's looking for a relationship with someone exactly like me.

Joey: She really said that?

Ross: Well, I added the 'exactly like me' part... But she said she's looking for someone, and someone is gonna be there tonight.

Joey: 'Tonight' tonight?

Ross: Well, I think it's perfect. Y'know, it's just gonna be the two of us, she spent all day taking care of my monkey...

Chandler: I can't remember the last time I got a girl to take care of my monkey.

Ross: Anyway, I figured after work I'd go pick up a bottle of wine, go over there and, uh, try to woo her.

Chandler: Hey, y'know what you should do? You should take her back to the 1890's, when that phrase was last used.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is taking care of Marcel and they are watching a soap opera.]

Rachel: Now, now the one in the feather boa, that's Dr. Francis. Now, she used to be a man. Okay, now look, see, there's Raven. We hate her. We're glad she's dying. Okay- (Marcel pushes down a cushion to reveal a shoe) Wh- wh- Marcel, are you playing with Monica's shoes? You know you're not supposed to pl- whoah. Marcel, did you poo in the shoe? (Takes the shoe into the kitchen) Marcel, bad monkey! Oh! Oh! (She notices the newsletter and taps the contents of the shoes onto it, then folds it shut) Sorry, Barry. Little engagement gift. I'm sure you didn't register for that. (She leaves the apartment holding the newsletter at arm's length. However, she leaves the door open. Marcel runs out in the opposite direction. There is a shot from the TV and Rachel runs back in) Who died? Who died? Roll him over! Oh, c'mon, roll him over! Oh...! Well, we know it wasn't Dexter, right Marcel? Because- (Looks down and notices he is missing) Marcel? Marc- (Notices the open door)

[Time lapse. Now everyone but Ross and Phoebe is back at Monica and Rachel's.]

Joey: How could you lose him?

Rachel: I don't know. We were watching TV, and then he pooped in Monica's shoe-

Monica: Wait. He pooped in my shoe? Which one?

Rachel: I don't know. The left one.

Monica: Which ones?

Rachel: Oh. Oh, those little clunky Amish things you think go with everything.

Phoebe: (Entering) Hey. 

All: Hi.

Phoebe: Whoah, ooh, why is the air in here so negative?

Chandler: Rachel lost Marcel.

Phoebe: Oh no, how?

Monica: He- he pooped in my shoe.

Phoebe: Which one?

Monica: Those cute little black ones I wear all the time.

Phoebe: No, which one? The right or left? 'Cause the left one is lucky...

Rachel: C'mon, you guys, what're we gonna do, what're we gonna do?

Joey: Alright alright. You're a monkey. You're loose in the city. Where do you go?

Chandler: Okay, it's his first time out, so he's probably gonna wanna do some of the touristy things. I'll go to Cats, you go to the Russian Tea Room.

Rachel: Oh, my, God, c'mon, you guys! He's gonna be home any minute! He's gonna kill me!

Monica: Okay, we'll start with the building. You guys take the first and second floor, Phoebe and I'll take third and fourth.

Rachel: Well, what'm I gonna do? What'm I gonna do?

Monica: Okay, you stay here, and just wait by the phone. Spray Lysol in my shoe, and wait for Ross to kill you.

(They all leave)

Rachel: Anybody wanna trade? Oh...

[Cut to a hallway in the building, Monica and Phoebe are knocking on a door. Mr. Heckles emerges.]

Mr. Heckles: Whaddyou want?

Monica: Mr. Heckles, our friend lost a monkey. Have you seen it?

Mr. Heckles: I left a Belgian waffle out here, did you take it?

Monica: No!

Phoebe: Why would you leave your Belgian waffle in the hall?

Mr. Heckles: I wasn't ready for it.

Monica: A monkey. Have you seen a monkey?

Mr. Heckles: Saw Regis Philbin once...

Phoebe: Okay, thank you, Mr. Heckles. (They move off)

Mr. Heckles: You owe me a waffle.

[Cut to Monica and Rachel's.]

Rachel: (On the phone) Okay, he's a, he's a black capuchian monkey with a white face... (Enter Ross) ...with, with Russian dressing and, and pickles on the side. Okay. Thanks.

Ross: Hey. How did, uh, how'd it go today?

Rachel: Great! It went great. Really great. Hey, is that wine?

Ross: Yeah. You, uh, you want some?

Rachel: Oh, I would love some. But y'know what? Y'know what? Let's not drink it here. I'm feeling kinda crazy. You wanna go to Newark?

Ross: Uh, okay, yeah, we could do that, but before we head off to the murder capital of the North-East, I was, uh, kinda wanting to run something by you. Y'know how we were, uh, y'know, talking before about, uh, relationships and stuff? (Uncorks the wine) Well-

Rachel: Oh God, Ross, I cannot do this.

Ross: Okay, quick and painful. (Starts to cork the wine) 

Rachel: Oh God... Okay. Alright. Alright. Okay. Ross, please don't hate me.

Ross: Oh, what? What-what?

Rachel: Y'know Marcel?

Ross: ...Yeah?

Rachel: Well, I kind of... I kind of lost him.

[Cut to outside the window, with Ross reacting with disbelief. The shot pans back until we see Marcel sitting on the window ledge.]

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]

Ross: (Angry) I- I- I ca- I can't believe this. I mean, all I asked you to do was keep him in the apartment.

Rachel: I know, I know, I'm sorry-

Ross: No, y'know what, I guess it's partially my fault. Y'know, I shouldn't've, uh, asked you to start off with a monkey. I should've started you off with like a pen or a pencil.

Rachel: (Tearfully) Ross, I'm doing everything that I can, I've got everybody looking for him, and I- (Door buzzer goes and she runs to get it) Oh! Who is it?

Intercom: Animal Control.

Rachel: See? I've even called Animal Control!

Ross: You called Animal Control?

Rachel: Uh-huh... why... do you not like them?

Ross: Marcel is an illegal exotic animal. I'm not allowed to have him in the city. If they find him, they'll take him away from me.

Rachel: O-okay, now see, you never ever ever told us that...

Ross: That's right, I.. 'cause I didn't expect you were gonna invite them to the apartment!

(A knock on the door. Rachel swiftly opens it)

Rachel: Hi, thanks for coming.

Luisa: (Animal Control) Somebody called about a monkey?

Rachel: Oh, y'know what? That was a complete misunderstanding! (Ross puts his arms around her and they act all sweetness and light)

Ross: Yeah, we thought we had a monkey, but we-we didn't.

Rachel: Turned out it was a hat.

Ross: Cat!

Rachel: Cat! What'm I saying? Cat!

(Luisa nods, but then Monica and Phoebe run in)

Monica: Hi. We checked the third and fourth floor, no-one's seen Marcel.

Luisa: Marcel?

Ross: My uncle Marcel.

Phoebe: Oh, is that who the monkey's named after?

Luisa: Oookay. Are you aware that possession of an illegal exotic is, uh, punishable by up to two years in prison and confiscation of the animal?

Phoebe: Oh my God. You'd put that poor little creature in jail?

Monica: Pheebs, you remember how we talked about saying things quietly to yourself first?

Phoebe: Yes, but there isn't always time!

Monica: Look. I'm sure there's some friendly way to reconcile this! Um, have a seat. First of all, we haven't been introduced, I'm Monica Geller.

Luisa: Oh my God, you are! And you're Rachel Green!

Rachel: Yeah!

Luisa: Luisa Gianetti! Lincoln High? I sat behind you guys in home room!

Rachel: Luisa? Oh my God! Monica! It's Luisa!

Monica: The Luisa from home room!

Rachel: Yes!!

Luisa: You have no idea who I am, do you.

Monica: No, none at all.

Rachel: None.

Luisa: Well, maybe that's because you spent four years ignoring me. I mean, would it have been so hard to say 'Morning, Luisa'? Or 'Nice overalls'?

Monica: Oh, I'm- I'm so sorry!

Luisa: Ah, it's not so much you, you were fat, you had your own problems. (To Rachel) But you? What a bitch!

Rachel: What?!

Monica: Be that as it may, d'you think you could just help us out here on that monkey thing? Y'know, just for old times' sake? Go Bobcats?

Luisa: I could... but I won't. If I find that monkey, he's mine. (Leaves)

Phoebe: Dun-dun-duuuur! Sorry.

[Cut to another part of the building. We see Marcel jump in through a window and run down some stairs, then Chandler and Joey come down from the upper floor without noticing.]

Chandler: Marcel?

Joey: Marcel?

Chandler: Marcel?

Joey: Marcel?

(They come to a door and silently agree to try it. A very sweaty woman emerges)

Woman No. 1: Hi, can I help you?

(Chandler and Joey are dumbstruck for a moment)

Chandler: Um, we're kind of having an emergency and we-we were looking for something...

Joey: A monkey.

Chandler: Yes have you seen any?

Woman No. 1: No. No, haven't seen a monkey. Do you know anything about fixing radiators?

Joey: Um, sure! Did you, uh, did you try turning the knob back the other way?

Woman No. 1: Of course.

Joey: Oh. Then, no.

(Another sweaty woman comes to the door and speaks to her friend)

Woman No. 2: Did I put too much rum in here?

(Joey and Chandler shoot each other glances)

Woman No. 1: Just a sec. (To Chandler and Joey) Hope you find your monkey. (She starts to shut the door)

Chandler: Oh, nononowaitwaitwaitnono! Uh... we may not know anything about radiators per se, but we do have a certain amount of expertise in the heating and cooling... mileu.

Joey: Uh, aren't we kind of in the middle of something here?

Chandler: Yes, but these women are very hot, and they need our help! And they're very hot.

Joey: We can't, alright? (To the women) We're sorry. You have no idea how sorry, but... We promised we'd find this monkey. If you see him, he's about yea high and answers to the name Marcel, so if we could get some pictures of you, you'd really be helping us out.

(The women quickly shut the door)

Chandler: Okay, from now on, you don't get to talk to other people.

Joey: Marcel?

Chandler: Marcel?!

[Cut to Monica and Phoebe searching the basement.]

Phoebe: Marcel?

Monica: Marcel?

Phoebe: Marcel?

Both: Marcel?

Phoebe: Oh-my-God!

Monica: Whaaat!

Phoebe: Something just brushed up against my right leg!

Monica: What is it?

Phoebe: Oh, it's okay, it was just my left leg.

(Marcel makes a monkeyish noise. He is sitting in the corner)

Monica: Look, Phoebe!

Phoebe: Yeah! Oh, c'mere, Marcel! Oh, Marcel, c'mere!

(Luisa appears on the stairs)

Luisa: Step aside, ladies! (She loads a gun)

Monica: What're you gonna do?

Luisa: Just a small tranquiliser.

(In slow motion we see Phoebe look at Marcel, then at Luisa. She jumps toward Marcel just as Luisa fires the gun.)

Monica: Run, Marcel, run! Run, Marcel! (Marcel runs off and Luisa runs after him. Monica goes to check up on Phoebe) Are you okay?

Phoebe: Yeah, think so. Oh! (She notices the tranquiliser dart has hit her in the butt and removes it) Huh. (Sways back) Whoah.

Monica: Oh gosh.

[Cut to Marcel walking along a hallway. He notices a banana on the floor and picks it up. The hand of an unseen person grabs him and carries him away. Then cut to Ross and Rachel on the street outside.]

Ross: Marcel?

Rachel: Marcel?

Ross: Marc- oh, this is ridiculous! We've been all over the neighbourhood. He's gone, he's-he's just gone.

Rachel: Ross, you don't know that.

Ross: Oh come on. It's cold, it's dark, he doesn't know the Village. (Kicks a sign in frustration) And now I have a broken foot. I have no monkey, and a broken foot! Thank you very much.

Rachel: Ross, I said I'm sorry like a million times. What do you want me to do? You want me to break my foot too? Okay, I'm gonna break my foot, right here. (Kicks the sign) Ow!! Oh! Oh my God, oh my God! There, are you happy now?!

Ross: Yeah, yeah. Y'know, now that you kicked the sign, hey! I don't miss Marcel any more!

Rachel: Y'know, it is not like I did this on purpose.

Ross: Oh, no no no. Nono, this is just vintage Rachel. I mean, things just sort of happen around you. I mean, you're off in Rachel-land, doing your Rachel-thing, totally oblivious to people's monkeys, or to people's feelings...

Rachel: Ross.

Ross: I don't even wanna hear it, you're just...

Rachel: Ross.

Ross: Oh, forget it, okay?

Rachel: Ross!

Ross: What? What?

(A man carrying a box of bananas walks past them. They stare for a minute and then hobble after him)

Both: Hey! Hey, Bananaman!

(Scene 4: Everyone in the hall outside Mr. Heckles' door. Ross is carrying the box of bananas. He bangs on the door)

Phoebe: Oh, this is so intense. One side of my butt is totally asleep, and the other side has no idea.

(Mr. Heckles opens the door)

Ross: Hi, did you order some bananas?

Mr. Heckles: What about it?

Ross: Gimme back my monkey.

Mr. Heckles: I don't have a monkey.

Rachel: Then what's with all the bananas?

Mr. Heckles: Potassium.

(There is a monkey-like noise from within and Ross pushes past Mr. Heckles and enters his apartment)

Ross: Marcel? Marcel? Okay, where is he? Where is he? Marcel? Marcel?

(Marcel jumps into view wearing a pink dress. Everybody gasps)

Ross: Marcel! What've you done to him?

Mr. Heckles: That's my monkey. That's Patti, Patti the monkey.

Ross: Are you insane? C'mere, Marcel, c'mon. (Marcel starts to go to him)

Mr. Heckles: C'mere, Patti. (Marcel turns round)

Ross: C'mere, Marcel. (Turns to Ross)

Mr. Heckles: C'mere, Patti. (Turns to Mr. Heckles)

Luisa: (Out of shot) Here, monkey. Here, monkey! Here, monkey! (Marcel runs to the door and into Luisa's cage, which she slams shut) Gotcha.

Ross: Okay, gimme my monkey back.

Mr. Heckles: That's my monkey.

Luisa: You're both gonna have to take this up with the judge.

Mr. Heckles: That's not my monkey. Just the dress is mine, you can send that back whenever.

Ross: Alright, I want my monkey.

Luisa: No!

Rachel: Oh, c'mon, Luisa!

Luisa: Sorry, prom queen.

Ross: (To Rachel) You had to be a bitch in high school, you couldn't've been fat.

Rachel: Alright. In high school I was the prom queen and I was the homecoming queen and the class president and you... were also there! But if you take this monkey, I will lose one of the most important people in my life. You can hate me if you want, but please do not punish him. C'mon, Luisa, you have a chance to be the bigger person here! Take it!

Luisa: Nope.

Rachel: Alright. Well then how about I call your supervisor, and I tell her that you shot my friend in the ass with a dart?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Rachel and Ross are there. Ross is trying to get the dress off Marcel.]

Ross: It'll be nice to get this off finally, won't it? Yes it will. (Marcel resists) Or we can leave it on for now, that's fine.

Rachel: Y'know, with the right pair of pumps, that would be a great little outfit.

Ross: Listen, I'm- I'm sorry I was so hard on you before, it's just I...

Rachel: Oh, Ross, c'mon. It's my fault, I almost lost your...

Ross: Yeah, but you were the one who got him back, y'know? You, you were great. ...Hey, we uh, we still have that, uh, that bottle of wine. You in the mood for, uh, something grape?

Rachel: That'd be good.

Ross: Alright. (He goes to get the glasses. Then he hesitates and turns off the main light. Rachel looks round and he acts surprised) The, uh, the neighbours must be vacuuming. (He sits down and starts to pour the wine) Well, so long as we're here and, uh, not on the subject, I was thinking about, uh, how mad we got at each other before, and, um, I was thinking maybe it was partially because of how we, um...

(Barry bursts in)

Barry: Rachel.

Rachel: Barry?!

Barry: I can't. I can't do it, I can't marry Mindy. I think I'm still in love with you.

Ross and Rachel: Oh!

Ross: We have got to start locking that door!

Closing Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Joey, Phoebe, and Chandler are looking through Monica's high school yearbook]

Monica: This is me in The Sound of Music. See the von Trapp kids?

Phoebe: Nope.

Monica: That's because I'm in front of them.

Chandler: Eh. I thought that was an alp.

Monica: Well, high school was not my favourite time.

Joey: I dunno, I loved high school. Y'know? It was just four years of parties and dating and sex.

Chandler: Yeah, well I went to boarding school with four hundred boys. Any sex I had would've involved a major lifestyle choice.

Monica: Gosh, doesn't it seem like a million years ago?

Phoebe: Oh. Oooh! Ooh! Ooh! (She stands up and starts to dance around) Ooh! My butt cheek is waking up! Oooh! Ooh!

End


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The One With the Evil Orthodontist

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Written by: Doty Abrams
Transcribed by: guineapig


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[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there.]

Chandler: I can't believe you would actually say that. I would much rather be Mr.Peanut than Mr.Salty.

Joey: No way! Mr.Salty is a sailor, all right, he's got to be, like, thetoughest snack there is.

Ross: I don't know, you don't wanna mess with corn nuts. They're craaazy.

Monica: (looking out of the window) Oh my God. You guys! You gotta come see this! There's some creep out there with a telescope!

Ross: I can't believe it! He's looking right at us!

Rachel: Oh, that is so sick.

Chandler: I feel violated. And not in a good way.

Phoebe: How can people do that?... (All but Phoebe walk away from the window in disgust.) Oh, you guys, look! Ugly Naked Guy got gravity boots!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Rachel is there.]

Chandler: I am telling you, years from now, schoolchildren will study it as one of the greatest first dates of all time. It was unbelievable! We could totally be ourselves, we didn't have to play any games...

Monica: So have you called her yet?

Chandler: Let her know I like her? What are you, insane? (The girls make disgusted noises.) It's the next day! How needy do I want to seem? (To the guys) I'm right, right?

Joey and Ross: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Let her dangle.

Monica: I can't believe my parents are actually pressuring me to find one of you people.

Phoebe: Oh, God, just do it! (Grabbing the phone.) Call her! Stop being so testosteroney!

Chandler: Which, by the way, is the real San Francisco treat. (Calls her, then hurriedly hangs up.) I got her machine.

Joey: Her answer machine?

Chandler: No, interestingly enough her leaf blower picked up.

Phoebe: So, uh, why didn't you say anything?

Chandler: Oh, no-no-no-no. Last time I left a spontaneous message I ended up using the phrase "Yes indeedy-o."

Monica: Look look! It's Rachel and Barry. No, don't everybody look at once!

Ross: Okay, okay, what's going on?

Phoebe: Okay, they're just talking...

Ross: Yeah, well, does he look upset? Does he look like he was just told to shove anything?

Phoebe: No, no actually, he's smiling.. and... Oh my God, don't do that!!

Ross: What? What? What?!

Phoebe: That man across the street just kicked that pigeon! (Rachel enters.) Oh!

Chandler: (bluffing) And basically, that's how a bill becomes a law.

All: Oh!... Right!

Chandler: Hey Rach!

Monica: How'd it go?

Rachel: Y'know, it was, uh.. it was actually really great. He took me to lunch at the Russian Tea Room, and I had that chicken, where y'know you poke it and all the butter squirts out...

Phoebe: Not a good day for birds...

Rachel: Then we took a walk down to Bendall's, and I told him not to, but he got me a little bottle of Chanel...

Ross: That's nice... now, was that before or after you told him to stop calling, stop sending you flowers and to generally leave you alone, hmm?

Rachel: Right,.. well,.. we never actually got to that... Oh, it was just so nice to see him again, y'know? It was comfortable, it was familiar... it was just nice!

Ross: That's, that's nice twice!

Monica: Rachel, what's going on? I mean isn't this the same Barry who you left at the altar?

Joey: Duh, where've you been?

Rachel: Yeah, but it was different with him today! And he wasn't, like, Orthodontist Guy, y'know? I mean, we had fun! Is there anything wrong with that?

(Ross 'prompts' Chandler by hitting him on the arm.)

Chandler: Yes!

Rachel: Why?

Chandler: I have my reasons.

Monica: Okay, how about the fact that he's engaged to another woman, who just happens to be your ex-best friend?

Rachel: All right. All right, all right, all right, all right, I know it's stupid! I will go see him this afternoon, and I will just put an end to it!

[Scene: Barry's Office, the post-coital Barry and Rachel are recovering on the chair.]

Rachel: Wow... Wow!

Barry: Yeah.

Rachel: I'm not crazy, right? I mean, it was never like that.

Barry: Nooo, it wasn't.

Rachel: Ooh, and it's so nice having this little sink here...

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there except Rachel.]

Chandler: (on phone, reading from a script) Oh, Danielle! I wasn't expecting the machine... Give me a call when you get a chance. (Rattles some dishes) Bye-bye. (Hangs up.) Oh God!

Monica: That's what you've been working on for the past two hours?!

Chandler: Hey, I've been honing!

Ross: What was with the dishes?

Chandler: Oh, uh.. I want her to think I might be in a restaurant.. y'know? I might have some kind of life, like I haven't been sitting around here honing for the past few hours.

Monica: (looking out the window) Look look! He's doing it again, the guy with the telescope!

Phoebe: Oh my God! (Walks to the window) Go away! (Gesturing.) Stop looking in here!

Monica: Great, now he's waving back.

Joey: Man, we gotta do something about that guy. This morning, I caught him looking into our apartment. It creeps me out! I feel like I can't do stuff!

Monica: What kinda stuff?

Joey: Will you grow up? I'm not talking about sexy stuff, but, like, when I'm cooking naked.

Phoebe: You cook naked?

Joey: Yeah, toast, oatmeal... nothing that spatters.

(A pause as they look at Chandler.)

Chandler: What are you looking at me for? I didn't know that.

[Scene: Barry's Office, Rachel and Barry are getting dressed.]

Barry: What's the matter?

Rachel: Oh, it's just... Oh, Barry, this was not good.

Barry: No, it was. It was very very good.

Rachel: Well, what about Mindy?

Barry: Oh, way, way better than Mindy.

Rachel: No, not that, I mean, what about you and Mindy?

Barry: Well, if you want, I'll just桰'll just break it off with her.

Rachel: No. No-no-no-no, no. I mean, don't do that. Not, I mean not for me. 

Bernice: (over intercom) Dr. Farber, Bobby Rush is here for his adjustment.

Barry: (into intercom) Thanks, Bernice. (To Rachel) Let's go away this weekend.

Rachel: Oh, Barry..! Come on, this is all way too..

Barry: We can, we can go to Aruba! When I went there on what would have been our honeymoon, it was, uh... it was really nice. You would've liked it.

(Pause as Rachel realises...)

Rachel: I had a bra.

(Barry finds it draped on a cupboard and gives it to Rachel, they kiss as Bobby enters.)

Bobby: Hey, Dr. Farber.

(Rachel and Barry quickly split and pretend Barry is examining Rachel's mouth.)

Barry: All right Miss Green, everything looks fine... Yep, I think we're starting to see some real progress here.

(Bobby looks on, deadpan.)

Rachel: What?!

Bobby: I'm twelve, I'm not stupid.

(Rachel glares at him.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler enters clutching his phone.]

Chandler: Can I use your phone?

Monica: Yeah.. uh, but for future reference, that thing in your hand can also be used as a phone.

(Chandler dials his own phone and it rings.)

Chandler: Yes, it's working! Why isn't she calling me back?

Joey: Maybe she never got your message.

Phoebe: Y'know, if you want, you can call her machine, and if she has a lot of beeps, that means she probably didn't get her messages yet.

Chandler: Y'don't think that makes me seem a little...

Ross: ...desperate, needy, pathetic?

Chandler: Ah, you obviously saw my personal ad.

(He calls and quickly hangs up.)

Phoebe: How many beeps?

Chandler: She answered.

Monica: Y'see, this is where you'd use that 'hello' word we talked about.

Chandler: I'm not gonna talk to her, she obviously got my message and is choosing not to call me. Now I'm needy and snubbed. God, I miss just being needy.

(Rachel enters.)

All: Hey! Hi!

Phoebe: How'd he take it?

Rachel: Pretty well, actually... (Wandering into the kitchen.)

Monica: (wandering in after her) Uh, Rach... how come you have dental floss in your hair?

Rachel: Oh, do I?

Monica: Uh huh.

Rachel: (in a low voice) We ended up having sex in his chair.

Monica: You had sex in his chair?!... I said that a little too loudly, didn't I?

Ross: You-you had what?

Phoebe: Sex in his chair.

Ross: What, uh... what were you thinking?

Rachel: I don't know! I mean, we still care about each other. There's a history there. 'S'like you and Carol.

Ross: No! No no, it is nothing like me and Carol!

Rachel: Please. If she said to you, "Ross, I want you on this couch, right here, right now," what would you say? 

(Ross flounders.)

Chandler: If it helps, I could slide over.

Ross: It's, it's, it's, uh, a totally diferent situation! It's, it's apples and oranges, it's, it's orthodontists and lesbi- I gotta go.

Phoebe: Where are you going?

Ross: (leaving) I just have to go, all right? Do I need a reason? Huh? I mean I have things to do with my life, I have a jam packed schedule, and I am late- for keeping up with it. Okay?

(Ross exits, a phone rings, and Chandler dives for his phone.)

Chandler: Hello? Hello?

(Rachel picks up their phone and the ringing stops.  As she talks on the phone, an elaborate visual gag is spun out which is too difficult to describe in words.)

Rachel: (on phone) Hello?(Listens) Mindy! Hi! Hey, how are you? (Listens) Yes, yes, I've heard, congratulations, that is so great. (Listens) Really? (Listens) Oh. (Listens) Okay. Okay, well I'm working tomorrow, but if you want you can, you can, you can come by and... (Listens) Okay... (Listens) Great... (Listens) Great... (Listens) All right, so I'll, so I'll see you tomorrow! (Listens) Okay.. (Listens) Okay... (Listens) Bye. (Hangs up and sits down heavily.) Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.

Chandler: So how's Mindy?

Rachel: Oh, she wants to see me tomorrow...Oh, she sounded really weird, I gotta call Barry... (Does so, on phone) Hi, it's me, I just.. Mindy!! Mindy! Hi! No, I figured that's where you'd be!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning.  Chandler is sitting and staring at his phone.  Monica enters and creeps up next to Chandler.]

Monica: Brrrrrrr!

(Chandler clutches at his phone before realising.)

Chandler: Hell is filled with people like you.

Joey: (entering) He's back! The peeper's back!

(Rachel enters from her room.)

Joey: (ducking) Get down!

Rachel: Get down?

Chandler: ...And boogie!

Rachel: Thanks, but I gotta go to work and get my eyes scratched out by Mindy.

Monica: Relax. Y'know, she may not even know.

Rachel: Please. I haven't heard from her in seven months, and now she calls me? I mean, what else is it about? Oh! She was my best friend, you guys! We went to camp together... she taught me how to kiss..

Joey: (intrigued) Yeah?

Rachel: And now, y'know, I'm like... I'm like the other woman! I feel so..

Joey: ..Naughty!

Rachel: Right, I'll see you guys later...

Joey: Oh, hold up, I'll walk out with you. Now, Rach, when she taught you to kiss, you were at camp, and.. were you wearing any kinda little uniform, or- (Rachel exits and slams the door in his face.) That's fine, yeah...

(Joey exits.)

Chandler: Okay, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Will you watch my phone?

Monica: Why don't you just take it with you?

Chandler: Hey, we haven't been on a second date, she needs to hear me pee?

Monica: Why don't you just call her?

Chandler: I can't call her, I left a message! I have some pride.

Monica: Do you?

Chandler: No! (Calls) Danielle, hi! It's, uh, it's Chandler! (Listens) I'm fine. Uh, listen, I don't know if you tried to call me, because, uh, idiot that I am, I accidentally shut off my phone. (Listens) Oh, uh, okay, that's fine, that's great. (Listens) Okay. (Puts down the phone.) (to Monica) She's on the other line, she's gonna call me back. (He starts doing a little jig.) She's on the other line, she's gonna call me back, she's on the other line, gonna call me back...

Monica: Don't you have to pee?

Chandler: 'S'why I'm dancing...

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is serving coffee as Mindy enters.]

Rachel: Mindy.

Mindy: Hey, you.

Rachel: Hey, you.... So, what's up?

Mindy: Um.. we should really be sitting for this.

Rachel: Sure we should... So.

Mindy: Now, I know things've been weird lately, but you're like my oldest friend in the world... Except for maybe Laurie Schaffer, who I don't talk to anywhere, 'cause she's all bitter now that she lost the weight and it turns out she doesn't have a pretty face. ....Okay, I'm just gonna ask you this once, and I want a straight answer.

Rachel: Okay.

Mindy: Will you be my maid of honour?

Rachel: Of course!

Mindy: Oh that's so great!

Rachel: Was that all you wanted to ask me?

Mindy: That's all!

Rachel: Ohhhh!! (Mindy starts to sob.) ...What? What?

Mindy: That's not all.

Rachel: Oh sure it is!

Mindy: Oh no, it isn't! No! I think Barry is seeing someone in the city.

Rachel: Um, what- what would make you think that?

Mindy: Well, ever since we announced the engagement, he's been acting really weird, and then last night, he came home smelling like Chanel.

Rachel: (draws back) Really. Mindy, if it'll make you feel any better, when I was engaged to him he went through a whole weird thing too.

Mindy: Oh God! You see, that's what I was afraid of!

Rachel: What? What's what you were afraid of?

Mindy: Okay, okay... when Barry was engaged to you, he and I...kind of... had a little thing on the side.

Rachel: What?

Mindy: I know. I know, and when he proposed to me, everyone said "Don't do it, he's just gonna do to you what he did to Rachel," and now I feel so stupid.

Rachel: Uh... Oh, Mindy, you are so stupid. Oh, we are both so stupid.

Mindy: What do you mean?

Rachel: (offers her arm to Mindy and she sniffs) Smell familiar?

Mindy: Oh no.

Rachel: Oh, I am so sorry.

Mindy: No me, I am so sorry...

(They hug and Joey enters.)

Joey: (watches them for a while) Oh my.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Ross are doing a crossword, Monica is cooking, and Chandler is still staring at his phone.]

Ross: Four letters: "Circle or hoop".

Chandler: Ring dammit, ring!

Ross: Thanks.

Joey: (entering) Hey, you know our phone's not working?

Chandler: What?!

Joey: I tried to call you from the coffee shop, and there was no answer.

Chandler: (investigating) I turned it off. Mother of God, I turned it off!

Monica: Just like you told her you did! (Chandler glares at her.) ... Just pointing out the irony.

Joey: Hey, so listen, I went across the street and talked to the doorman- I got the peeper's name! Can I use the phone?

Chandler: Nngghhh!!!!!!!

Joey: (to Monica) Can I use your phone? (On phone) Yeah, the number for a Sidney Marks, please.

Ross: "Heating device."

Phoebe: Radiator.

Ross: Five letters.

Phoebe: Rdtor.

Joey: (on phone) Yeah, is Sidney there? (Listens) Oh, this is? (To the gang) Sidney's a woman.

Monica: So she's a woman! So what?

Joey: Yeah. Yeah, so what? (On phone) Look, I live across the street, (walking to the window) and I know all about you and your little telescope, and I don't appreciate it, okay? (Listens) Yeah, I can see you right now! (Listens) Hello! (Listens) If I wanna walk around my apartment in my underwear, I shouldn't have to feel like?Listens)桾hank you, but... that's not really the point... (Listens) The point is that... (Listens) Mostly free weights, but occasionally..

Monica: Joey!!

Joey: (on phone) Yeah, my neighbor... (Listens) Yeah, the brunette... (to Monica) She says you looked very pretty the other day in the green dress.

Monica: The green dress? Really?

Joey: Yeah, she said you looked like Ingrid Bergman that day.

Monica: (waves dismissively to Sidney) Nooo!

[Scene: Barry's Office, Barry is preparing his tools alone as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Hey. Got a second?

Barry: Sure, sure. Come on... (Mindy enters) ...in...

Mindy: Hello, sweetheart.

Barry: Uh... uh... what're'you... what're'you guys doing here?

Rachel: Uh, we are here to break up with you.

Barry: Both of you?

Mindy: Basically, we think you're a horrible human being, and bad things should happen to you.

Barry: I'm sorry... I'm sorry, God, I am so sorry, I'm an idiot, I was weak, I couldn't help myself! Whatever I did, I only did because I love you so much!

Rachel: Uh- which one of us are you talking to there, Barr?

Barry: ....Mindy. Mindy, of course Mindy, it was always Mindy.

Rachel: Even when we were having sex in that chair?

Barry: (to Mindy) I swear, whatever I was doing, I was always thinking of you.

Rachel: Please! During that second time you couldn't have picked her out of a lineup!

Mindy: (to Rachel) You did it twice?

Rachel: Well, the first time didn't really count... I mean, y'know, 's'Barry.

Mindy: Okay...

Barry: (to Mindy) Sweetheart, just gimme- gimme another chance, okay, we'll start all over again. We'll go back to Aruba.

Bernice: (over intercom) Dr. Farber, we've got a bit of an emergency here...Jason Costalano is choking on his retainer.

Barry: Oh God... (Into intercom) I'll be right there, Bernice. (to Mindy) Look, please, please don't go anywhere, okay? I'll be, I'll be right back.

(Barry exits)

Rachel: Okay. Okay, we'll be here! Hating you! Did you see how he was sweating when he walked out of there? Listen honey, if I'm hogging the ball too much you just jump right in there and take a couple punches because I'm telling you, this feels great.

Mindy: Yeah... I'm pretty sure I'm still gonna marry him.

Rachel: What are you talking about?! Mindy, the guy is the devil! He's Satan in a smock!

Mindy: Look, I know he's not perfect, but the truth is, at the end of the day, I still really wanna be Mrs. Dr. Barry Farber, D.D.S.

Rachel: Oh God. 

Mindy: I hope you can find some way to be happy for me. And I hope you'll still be my maid of honor...?

Rachel: And I hope Barry doesn't kill you and eat you in Aruba.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are there.]

Monica: You okay?

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: Really?

Rachel: Yeah! Y'know, ever since I ran out on Barry at the wedding, I have wondered whether I made the right choice. And now I know.

Monica: Aww... (They hug)

(Joey enters and looks on approvingly.)

Joey: Big day.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]

Joey: All right, I'll give you this, Mr. Peanut is a better dresser. I mean he's got the monocle, he's got the top hat...

Phoebe: You know he's gay?

Ross: I just wanna clarify this: are you outing Mr. Peanut?

Danielle: (entering) Chandler?

Chandler: Danielle! Hi! Uh- everybody, this is Danielle, Danielle, everybody.

All: Hi. Hi.

Chandler: What are you doing here?

Danielle: Well, I've been calling you, but it turns out I had your number wrong. And when I finally got the right one from Information, there was no answer. So I thought I'd just come down here, and make sure you were okay.

Chandler: ...I'm, I'm okay.

Danielle: Listen uh, maybe we could get together later?

Chandler: That sounds good. I'll call you- or you call me, whatever...

Danielle: You got it.

Chandler: Okay.

Danielle: G'bye, everybody.

All: Bye.

Phoebe: Whoo-hoo!

Monica: Yeah, there you go!

Ross: Second date!

Chandler: ...I dunno.

Rachel: You don't know?!

Chandler: Well, she seems very nice and everything, but that whole thing about her coming all the way down here, just to see if I was okay? I mean,... how needy is that?

(They all groan and hit him..)

End


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The One With The Fake Monica

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Written by: Adam Chase and Ira Ungerleider
Transcribed by guineapig


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[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is looking at papers.]

Joey: How could someone get a hold of your credit card number?

Monica: I have no idea. But look how much they spent!

Rachel: Monica, would you calm down? The credit card people said that you only have to pay for the stuff that you bought.

Monica: I know. It's just such reckless spending.

Ross: I think when someone steals your credit card, they've kind of already thrown caution to the wind.

Chandler: Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop.

Monica: That's me.

Phoebe: Oh! The yuk! Ross, he's doing it again! (Points to a lamp which is shaking behind the sofa)

Ross: Marcel, stop humping the lamp! Stop humping! Now Marcel, come back- (Marcel runs toward Rachel's room) come here, Marcel-

Rachel: Oh no, not in my room! I'll get him.

Monica: Ross, you've got to do something about the humping.

Ross: What? It's, it's just a phase.

Chandler: Well, that's what we said about Joey...

Ross: Would you all relax? It's not that big a deal.

Rachel: (Out of shot) Stop it! Marcel! Bad monkey!

Ross: What?

Rachel: Let's just say my Curious George doll is no longer curious.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, late at night Monica is still examining her bill as Rachel emerges from her room.]

Rachel: Oh, Monica. You are not still going over that thing.

Monica: This woman's living my life.

Rachel: What?

Monica: She's living my life, and she's doing it better than me! Look at this, look. She buys tickets for plays that I wanna see. She, she buys clothes from stores that I'm intimidated by the sales people. She spent three hundred dollars on art supplies.

Rachel: You're not an artist.

Monica: Yeah, well I might be if I had the supplies! I mean, I could do all this stuff. Only I don't.

Rachel: Oh, Monica, c'mon, you do cool things.

Monica: Oh really? Okay, let's compare, shall we.

Rachel: (Yawning) Oh, it's so late for 'Shall we'...

Monica: Do I go horseback riding in the park? Do I take classes at the New School?

Rachel: (Yawning) Nooo...

Monica: This is so unfair! She's got everything I want, and she doesn't have my mother.

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Chandler are discussing stage names.]

Chandler: How about Joey... Pepponi?

Joey: No, still too ethnic. My agent thinks I should have a name that's more neutral.

Chandler: Joey... Switzerland?

(The waitress brings their coffee.)

Joey: Plus, y'know, I think it should be Joe. Y'know, Joey makes me sound like I'm, I dunno, this big. (Waitress looks at him funny) Which I'm not.

Chandler: Joe...Joe...Joe...Stalin?

Joey: Stalin...Stalin...do I know that name? It sounds familiar.

Chandler: Well, it does not ring a bell with me...

Joey: (Writes it down) Joe Stalin. Y'know, that's pretty good.

Chandler: Might wanna try Joseph.

(Joey visibly thinks 'Of course!' and writes it down.)

Joey: Joseph Stalin. I think you'd remember that!

Chandler: Oh yes! Bye Bye Birdie, starring Joseph Stalin. Joseph Stalin is the Fiddler on the Roof.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is there as Phoebe and Rachel enter.]

Rachel: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey.

Monica: Hi. (On the phone) Hi, uh, yes, this is Monica Geller. Um, I believe I'm taking some classes with you and I was wondering what they were.

Phoebe: What are you doing?

Monica: (Hushes her) Alright, great. Thanks a lot. (Hangs up) I'm going to tap class.

Rachel: What, what, so that you can dance with the woman that stole your credit card?

Monica: This woman's got my life, I should get to see who she is.

Rachel: Go to the post office! I'm sure her picture's up! ...Okay, Monica, y'know what, honey, you're kinda losing it here! I mean, this is really becoming like a weird obsession thing.

Phoebe: This is madness. It's madness, I tell you, for the love of God, Monica, don't do it!! ...Thank you.

[Scene: A Tap Class, the girls are standing at the door.]

Monica: What d'you think?

Phoebe: Lotsa things.

(They go in and sit down.)

Rachel: Which one do you think she is?

(The teacher comes up to them.)

Teacher: May I help you?

Monica: Oh, no thanks, we're just here to observe.

Teacher: You don't observe a dance class. You dance a dance class. Spare shoes are over there.

Rachel: What does she mean?

Phoebe: I think she means (Imitates) 'You dance a dance class'. Oh, c'mon, c'mon. (They put on some spare shoes)

Monica: Okay, d'y'see anybody you think could be me?

Teacher: (To the class) People! Last time there were some empty yoghurt containers lying around after class. Let's not have that happen again!

Rachel: She could be you.

(Music starts)

Teacher: Let's get started. Five, six, a-five six seven eight...

(Everyone starts to dance in unison. Monica flounders)

Monica: Okay, I'm not getting this!

Phoebe: (Dancing in a swirly, Phoebe kind of way) I'm totally getting it!

Monica: Did you ever feel like sometimes you are just so unbelievably uncoordinated?

(Rachel taps into view; she is in perfect sync with the rest of the class)

Rachel: What? You just click when they click.

Teacher: Alright people, now everyone grab a partner.

(The girls are unsure how to pair off. Phoebe settles it)

Phoebe: Okay. And, my, dead, mother, says, you, are, it. I'm with Rachel.

Monica: Great. It's gym class all over again.

Phoebe and Rachel: Aww.

Teacher: Well that's all right, you can come up to the front and dance with me.

Monica: Why don't I just take off my clothes and have a nightmare.

(She starts to walk very slowly toward the front of the room. The teacher grabs her hand and pulls her. Suddenly a woman bursts in)

Woman: It's okay, it's okay, I'm here, I'm here. Sorry I'm late, okay, here I am. Who's the new tense girl?

Teacher: She's your partner.

Woman: Hi. I'm Monica.

Monica: Oh. Monica! ...Hi. I'm Mo- ...nana.

Woman: (Fake Monica) Monana?

Monica: Yeah. It's Dutch.

Fake Monica: You're kidding! I-I spent three years in Amsterdam. (Asks her something in Dutch)

Monica: Um, Pennsylvania Dutch.

Teacher: And we're dancing. A-five, six, seven, eight...

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is entering.]

Ross: (Mortified) Hi.

Chandler and Joey: Hey.

Joey: Where've you been?

Ross: At the vet.

Chandler: She's not gonna make you wear one of those big plastic cones, is she?

Ross: She says Marcel's humping thing's not a phase. Apparently he's reached sexual maturity.

Joey: (To Chandler) Hey! He beat ya.

Ross: She says as time goes on, he's gonna start getting agressive and violent.

Chandler: So what does this mean?

Ross: I'm gonna have to give him up.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, scene continued from earlier.  They guys are sitting there like the Three Monkeys.]

Joey: I can't believe it, Ross. This sucks!

Chandler: I don't get it, I mean, you just got him. How can he be an adult already?

Ross: I know. I know. I mean, one day, he's this little thing, and before you know it, he's this little thing I can't get off my leg.

Joey: Isn't there any way you can keep him?

Ross: No, no. The vet says unless he's in a place where he has regular access to some... monkey lovin,' he's just gonna get vicious. I've just gotta get him into a zoo.

Joey: How do you get a monkey into a zoo?

Chandler: I know that one! ...No, that's Popes into a Volkswagen.

Ross: Well, we're applying to a lot of them. Naturally our first choice would be one of the bigger state zoos, y'know, like, uh, San Diego... right? But that might just be a pipe dream, because, y'know, he's out of state. Uh, my vet, uh, knows someone at Miami, so that's a possibility.

Chandler: Yeah, but that's like two blocks away from the beach. I mean, it's a total party zoo.

(Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel enters.)

Phoebe: Hey. We found her, we found the girl.

Chandler: What?

Joey: Did you call the cops?

Rachel: Nope. We took her to lunch.

Chandler: Ah. Your own brand of vigilante justice.

Ross: What?! Are you insane? This woman stole from you. She stole. She's a stealer.

Monica: Y'know what? After you're with this woman for like ten minutes, you forget all that. I mean, she is this astounding person, with this, with this amazing spirit.

Ross: Yeah, which she probably stole from some cheerleader.

Chandler: ...Take off their hats!

Phoebe: Popes in a Volkswagen! ...I love that joke.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel and Fake Monica are there.]

Rachel: No way. No way did you do this.

Fake Monica: Monana was very brave.

Monica: It was so wild. We told them we were the Gunnersens in room six fifteen. Only to find out the Boston Celtics had taken over the entire sixth floor!

Fake Monica: So once they caught on to the fact that we're, y'know, short and have breasts...

Monica: ...They threw us out! I was thrown out of a hotel! Me!

Rachel: Go Monana! Well, you ladies are not the only ones living the dream. I get to go pour coffee for people I don't know. Don't wait up. (Exits)

Fake Monica: Oh, by the way, tomorrow we're auditioning for a Broadway show.

Monica: 'Scuse me?

Fake Monica: There's an open call for Cats. I'm thinking we go down there, sing Memories and make complete fools of ourselves. Whaddya say?

Monica: Nononononono. Think who you're dealing with here. I mean, I'm not like you. I-I can't even stand in front of a tap class.

Fake Monica: Well, that's just probably 'cause of your Amish background.

Monica: What?

Fake Monica: Well, you're Pennsylvania Dutch, right?

Monica: Right. Till I bought a blow dryer, then I was shunned.

Fake Monica: I-I used to be just like you. And then one day I saw a movie that changed my life. Did you ever see Dead Poets' Society?

Monica: Uh-huh.

Fake Monica: I thought that movie was so incredibly... boring. I mean, that thing at the end where the kid kills himself because he can't be in the play? What was that?! It's like, kid, wait a year, leave home, do some community theatre. I walked out of there and I thought, 'Now, that's two hours of my life that I'm never getting back.' And that thought scared me more than all the other crap I was afraid to do.

Monica: Wow. Then I would definitely not recommend Mrs. Doubtfire.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, tiem lapse.  Everyone but Joey and Monica are there.]

Ross: (Reading letters) Oh God. (To Marcel) We didn't get into Scranton. (To the others) That was like our safety zoo. They take like dogs and cows. See? I don't know who this is harder on, me or him.

Phoebe: I'd say that chair's taking the brunt.

Ross: Marcel! Marcel! Marcel, no! Good boy. See, how can nobody want him?

Rachel: Oh, somebody will.

Joey: (entering) You know there already is a Joseph Stalin?

Chandler: You're kidding.

Joey: Apparently he was this Russian dictator who slaughtered all these people. You'd think you would've known that!

Chandler: Y'know, you'd think I would've.

Joey: Phoebe. Whaddyou think a good stage name for me would be?

Phoebe: ...Flame Boy.

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is talking to Dr. Baldhara, a zookeeper.]

Ross: Where exactly is your zoo?

Dr. Baldhara: Well, it's technically not a zoo per se, it's more of an interactive wildlife experience. Let me ask you some questions about, is it, uh, Marcel?

Ross: Yes.

Dr. Baldhara: Does he, uh, fight with other animals?

Ross: No-no, he's, he's very docile.

Dr. Baldhara: Even if he were... cornered?

Ross: Well I, I don't know. Why?

Dr. Baldhara: Uh, how is he at handling small objects?

Ross: He can hold a banana, if that's whatcha mean...

Dr. Baldhara: How about a hammer, or a small blade?

Ross: Why- why- why would he need a blade?

Dr. Baldhara: Well, if he's up against a jungle cat or an animal with horns, you've got to give the little guy something. Otherwise it's just cruel.

(Chandler and Joey burst in, with Marcel)

Chandler and Joey: He- he- he got in, he- he got in to San Diego.

Joey: We, we come back from our walk and the- the phone was ringing...

Chandler: ...He's in.

Ross: He's in! Oh, did you hear that, Marcel? San Diego. San Diego!

Dr. Baldhara: You're making a big mistake here. I mean, San Diego's all well and good, but if you give him to me, I'll start him off against a blind rabbit and give you twenty percent of the gains.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is dusting. She comes to the table, lifts all the magazines and wipes under them, then just puts them down again. Monica bursts in, obviously drunk.]

Monica: Yo- hooo!

Rachel: Where the hell've you been?

Monica: Monica and I just crashed an embassy party.

Rachel: Are you drunk?!

Monica: Noooo! (Comes closer and whispers) I'm lying. I am so drunk.

Rachel: Oh God, oh. Great, Monica, y'know what, you could've called, I have been up here, I've been worried...

(Monica is drinking from the tap)

Rachel: Monica? Monica!

Monica: Water rules!

Rachel: Yes, yes, it does. Okay, look, the restaurant called, they wanna know if you're gonna be showing up for work?

Monica: Nope. Going to the Big Apple Circus today.

Rachel: Okay Monica, what are you doing? You're gonna lose your job! This is not you!

Monica: No, it is me! Y'know, I'm not just the person who needs to fluff the pillows and pay the bills as soon as they come in! Y'know, when I'm with her, I am so much more than that. I'm- I'm Monana!

(The phone rings and Rachel answers)

Rachel: Hello? Yes, she is, hold on a second, please. Monana, it's for you, the credit card people.

Monica: Helloooo? Yeah. Oh my God. Thanks.

Rachel: What?

Monica: They've arrested Monica.

[Scene: New York City Department of Correction, Monica is visiting Fake Monica.]

Monica: Hi.

Fake Monica: Hey.

Monica: How are you?

Fake Monica: I'm not too bad. Fortunately, blue's my colour. How-how did you know I was here?

Monica: Because... I'm Monica Geller. It was my credit card you were using.

Fake Monica: That I was not expecting.

Monica: I want you to know, it wasn't me who turned you in.

Fake Monica: Oh. Thanks.

Monica: No, thank you! You have given me so much! I mean, if it wasn't for you, I would never have gotten to sing Memories on the stage at the Wintergarden Theater!

Fake Monica: Well, actually, you only got to sing 'Memo-'.

Monica: I just can't believe you're in here. I mean, what am I gonna do without you? Who's gonna crash the embassy parties with me? Who's gonna take me to the Big Apple Circus?

Fake Monica: Monica, I started my day by peeing in front of twenty-five other women, and you're worried about who's gonna take you to the Big Apple Circus?

Monica: Well, not... worried, just... wondering.

Fake Monica: There's nothing to wonder about, Monica. You're gonna go back to being exactly who you were, because that's who you are.

Monica: Not necessarily...

Fake Monica: Yes necessarily! I mean, I dunno what it is, maybe it's the Amish thing.

Monica: Um, I'm not actually Amish.

Fake Monica: Really? Then why are you like that?

[Scene: Tap Class, Monica is standing by the door.]

Teacher: You by the door. In or out?

Monica: In. (She joins in the dancing. She still flounders)

Teacher: You in the back, you're getting it all wrong!

Monica: Yeah, but at least I'm doing it!

[Scene: The Airport, everyone but Monica is there to see off Marcel.]

PA: This is the final boarding call for flight 67 to San Diego, boarding at gate 42A.

Phoebe: Okay. Good-bye, little monkey guy. Alright, I wrote you this poem. Okay, but don't eat it 'till you get on the plane.

Ross: Aww. Thank you, Aunt Phoebe.

Phoebe: Oh!

Chandler: Okay, bye, champ. Now, I know there's gonna be a lot of babes in San Diego, but remember, there's also a lot to learn.

Joey: I dunno what to say, Ross. Uh, it's a monkey.

Ross: Just, just say what you feel.

Joey: Marcel, I'm hungry.

Ross: That was good.

Rachel: (Brings Marcel a teddy bear) Marcel, this is for you. It's, uh, just, y'know, something to, um, do on the plane.

Ross: Uh, if you guys don't mind, I'd like to take a moment, just me and him.

All: Oh, sure. Sure, absolutely. (They just stand there, then realise what he means and go to the other end of the room)

Ross: Marcel, c'mere, c'mere. (He sits down and Marcel jumps down and sits beside him) Well buddy, this is it. There's just a coupla things I want to say. I'm really gonna miss you, and I'm never gonna forget about you. You've been more than just a pet to me, you've been more like a be- (Marcel climbs down and starts humping his leg) Okay, Marcel, please, could you leave my leg alone? Could you just stop humping me for two seconds?! Marcel, would- okay, just take him away. Just take him.

(Marcel is put in a cage and taken away.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: A Theater, there is a casting session going on for a play.]

Actor: (Very melodramatically, and very badly) Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might... touch thy cheek...

Casting Director No. 1: That's fine, thank you.

Casting Director No. 2: Next. (Joey walks onstage)

Joey: Hi, uh, I'll be reading for the role of Mercutio.

Casting Director No. 2: Name?

Joey: Holden McGroin.

End


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The One With the Ick Factor

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Written by: Alexa Junge
Transcribed by: Mikael Hedberg


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(Scene: Central Perk. Everyone is there.) 

Monica: Tell him.

Rachel: No.

Phoebe: Tell him, tell him.

Monica: Just...please tell him.

Rachel: Shut up!

Chandler: Tell me what?

Monica: Look at you, you won't even look at him.

Chandler: (sarcastically) Oh, come on tell me. I could use another reason why women won't look at me.

Rachel: All right, all right, all right. Last night, I had a dream that, uh, you and I, were...

Phoebe: Doing it on this table. (points at the table)

Chandler: Wow!

Joey: Exellent dream score.

Ross: Why, why, why would you dream that?

Chandler: More importantly, was I any good?

Rachel: Well, you were pretty damn good.

Chandler: Interesting, cause in my dreams, I'm allways surprisingly inadequate. (Monica pats him on his lap)

Rachel: Well, last night you seemed to know your way around the table.

Ross: I love it, when we share.

(Ross goes over to the counter. Chandler follows him.)

Chandler: You're okay there?

Ross: I can't belive you two had sex in her dream.

Chandler: I'm sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunk and i was somebody else's subconscious.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier, Chandler is sitting on the table.]

Chandler: Hello Rachel.

Rachel: Get off.

Phoebe: (points at Joey's pen) Uh, uh, gimme. Can you see me operating a drill press?

Joey: I don't know. What are you wearing?

(Chandler, Monica and Phoebe looks at him)

Ross: Pheebs, why would you want to operate a drill press?

Phoebe: Just for some short-term-work. You know, until I get back some of my massage clients.

Chandler: Pirates again?

Phoebe: No, nothing like that. I was just...such a dummie. I taught this "massage-yourself-at-home-workshop." And they are.

Joey: Hey, hey, Chan. She could work for you.

Chandler: (sarcasticly) Thanks Joey, that's a good idea.

Phoebe: What... I could, I could do it. What is it?

Chandler: Well, my secretary is gonna be out for a couple of weeks. She is having one of her boobs redused. (Ross looks at her.) It's a whole big boob story.

Phoebe: I could be a secretary.

Chandler: Well, you know Phoebs. I don't know if it's your kinda thing, because it involves a lot of being normal. For a large portion of the day.

Phoebe: I could do that.

(Ross's beeper goes off)

Rachel: What are you playing with?

Ross: Oh, it's my new beeper.

Joey: What the hell does a paleontologist need a beeper for?

Monica: Is it like for dinosaur emergencies. 'Help, come quick, they're still extinct.'

Ross: No, it's for when Carol goes into labor. She can get me wherever I am. I mean, all she has to do is to dial 55-JIMBO.

Chandler: A cool phone number, and a possible name for the kid.

Monica: All right, I'll see you guys later. (raises)

Rachel: Off to see young Ethan?

Monica: Thank you.

Joey: How young is young Ethan? Young?

Monica: He's... our age.

Chandler: When we were?

Monica: Okay, he's a senior in college.

Ross: College?

Chandler: Whoa! And this manchild has no problem with how old you are?

Monica: No, of course not. It's not even an issue. Cause I told him I was 22.

All: What?

Monica: Oh, I can't pass for 22?

Phoebe: Well, maybe 25-26.

Monica: I am 26.

Phoebe: There you go.

[Scene: Chandler's office, he and Phoebe are there when the phone starts ringing.]

Chandler: Can you hear that?

Phoebe: (plays with a thumbtack remover) Yeah?

Chandler: See that'll stop when you pick up the phone.

Phoebe: Oh. Uh, I'm on. (picks up the phone)

Phoebe: (with a deep voice) Mr. Bing's office. (Listens) No I'm sorry, he's in a meeting right now.

Chandler: I'm not in a meeting. I'm right... Whoops.

Phoebe: Will he know what this is in reference to? (Listens) And he has your number? (Listens) All right, I'll see that he gets the message. Bye bye.

Chandler: What?

Phoebe: Ross says hi.

Chandler: Ah!

Phoebe: This is so fun. All right, what do we do now?

Chandler: Well, now, I actually have to get to work.

Phoebe: Most likely. (raises and goes toward the door) Okay, I'm gonna be out there.

Chandler: Okay.

Phoebe: All right. Bye bye.

Chandler: Bye bye.

(The intercom buzzes)

Chandler: (answering it) Yes?

Phoebe: Whatcha doin'?

Chandler: Ooh. (leans against the desk)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are there. Monica is just finishing cleaning the windows.]

Monica: Windows are clean, candels are lit. Uh, belt's to tight, gotta change the belt. Did I turn the fish? (goes over to the kitchen to check on the dinner) No, cause I made lasagne. (to Rachel) Am I out of control?

Rachel: Just a touch. Mon, I don't understand. I mean, you've been dating this guy since like, what... his midterms? I mean, why all the sudden are you so... Oh.

Monica: What?

Rachel: Could tonight be the Night?

Monica: I don't know. Look he's a great guy and I love being with him but... you know. Things happen, and they happen. You don't plan these things.

Rachel: So, did you shave your legs?

Monica: Yeah.

Rachel: A-ha!

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey and Ross are there.]

Joey: Would you let it go Ross. It was just a dream. It doesn't mean...

(Ross's beeper goes off)

Ross: Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh this is it. Oh my god it's baby time. Baby time.

Joey: All right, relax, relax. Just relax, just relax. Be cool, be cool.

(Ross dials a number on his cellular phone)

Ross: (on phone) Yeah, hi, I was just beeped. (pause) No, Andr?is not here. (to Joey) Third time today. (on phone) Yes, I'm sure... No, sir. I don't perform those kind of services.

Joey: Services? (Ross looks at him) Oh, services.

Ross: (on phone) Yeah, you want 55-JUMBO. Yeah, that's right. That's right, JUMBO with a U, sir. (pause) No, belive me, you don't want me. Judging by his number, I'd be a huge disappointment. (pause) All rightie, bye bye.

(Phoebe and Chandler enter)

Joey: Hey, hey. How was the first day?

Phoebe: Oh, exellent. Everyone was so, so nice.

Chandler: See, it pays to know the man who wears my shoes. (Joey and Ross wonder what he means) Me.

Phoebe: No, I didn't tell anybody that I knew you.

Chandler: Why not?

Phoebe: Oh, because, you know... they don't like you.

Chandler: What?!

Phoebe: I thought you knew that.

Chandler: Noho. Who doesn't they like me?

Phoebe: Everyone. Except for uh... no everyone.

Chandler: What are you talking about?

Phoebe: Don't feel bad. You know they used to like you a lot. But then you got promoted, and, you know, now you're like "Mr. Boss Man". You know, Mr. Bing. Mr. Bing, "Boss Man Bing".

(Joey and Ross laughs)

Chandler: I can't belive it.

Phoebe: Yeah, yeah. They even do you.

Chandler: They do me?

Phoebe: You know like... uh okay... uh... 'Could that report be any later?'

(Joey and Ross laughs)

Chandler: I don't sound like that.

Ross: Oh, oh Chandler...

Joey: Oh... Yeah, you do.

Ross: 'The hills were alive with the sound of music.'

(Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs)

Joey: (reaches for hi scones) My scones.

Phoebe, Joey, and Ross: 'My scones.'

(Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs again)

Chandler: Okay, I don't sound like that. That is so not true.

(Joey and Chandler laughs)

Chandler: That is so not... That is so not... That... Oh, shut up!

(Phoebe, Joey and Ross laugh)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Young Ethan are sitting in the couch.]

Monica: Did not.

Young Ethan: I am telling you, up until I was, like nine, I thought that gunpoint was an actual place where crimes happen.

Monica: How was that possible?

Young Ethan: Well, think about it. It's always on the news. 'A man is being held up, at gunpoint.' 'Tourists are being terrorised, at gunpoint.' And I just kept thinking: why does people continue to go there? (He checks his watch.) Oh, ah. I should go.

Monica: Okay.

(They kiss)

Young Ethan: Okay.

Monica: Unless...

Young Ethan: What?

Monica: Uh, ah. Unless you wanna stay over? I mean, I'm going to, so...

Young Ethan: Yeah, I'd really like that.

(They kiss)

Young Ethan: Uuh, before we get into any staying-over-stuff, there is something you should know.

Monica: Okay, is this like 'I have an early class tomorrow' or 'I'm secretly married to a goat?'

Young Ethan: Well it's somewhere in between. You see, in a strictly technical sense, of course, I'm not uh..., well I, I mean I haven't ever uh...

Monica: Ethan?

Young Ethan: Yeah?

Monica: Are you a virgin?

Young Ethan: Well, if that's what you kids are calling it these days then, yes I am. I uh, I've kinda been waiting for the right person.

Monica: Really?

Young Ethan: Yeah. You do know I was talking about you, right?

(They kiss)

[Time lapse. They are now in Monica's bedroom, on the bed.]

Young Ethan: Wow!

Monica: You keep saying that.

Young Ethan: You know, you read about it, you see it in the movies. Even when you practice it at home, man oh man, it is nothing like that.

(They kiss)

Monica: Listen, uh, you told me something that was really difficult for you. And I, I-I figured if you could be honest, then I can to.

Young Ethan: Oh god, don't tell me, I did it wrong.

Monica: No-no. Nothing wrong about that. 

Young Ethan: Oh.

Monica: Um, okay, here it goes. I'm not 22. I'm, I'm 25... and thirteen months. 

Young Ethan: Huh!

Monica: But I figured, you know, that shouldn't change anything. I mean, what the hell does it matter how old we are.

(They kiss)

Young Ethan: Uh, listen um, as long as we're telling stuff, uh, I have another one for you. I'm a little younger than I said.

Monica: You're not a senior?

Young Ethan: Oh, I'm a senior... in High School.

Monica: Ok...ay.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica's Bedroom, continued from earlier.]

Monica: What we did was wrong. Oh god, I just had sex with somebody that wasn't alive during the Bicentennial.

Young Ethan: I just had sex.

Monica: Ethan, focus. How could you not tell me?

Young Ethan: Well, you never told me how old you were.

Monica: Well, that's different. My lie didn't make one of us a felon in 48 states. What were you thinking?

Young Ethan: I wasn't thinking. I was too busy fallin'...

Monica: Don't say it. (closes Ethan's mouth with her hand)

Young Ethan: ...in love with you.

Monica: Really?

Young Ethan: (nods) Sorry.

Monica: Well,fall out of it. You know, you shouldn't even be here, it's a school night. Oh god, oh god. I'm like those women that you see with shiny guys named Chad. I'm Joan Collins.

Young Ethan: Who? 

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone exept Monica is there.]

Ross: (on phone) Okay, Andr?should be there in like 45 minutes. All rightie, bye bye. (to Phoebe) Just easier that way.

Chandler: Oh, come on. You told me about the last dream.

Rachel: No, forget it.

Chandler: Oh, why not. Was I doing anything particularly... saucy?

Rachel: All right, fine. Um, you were not the only one there. (Camera fades to Ross, who's listening very carefully) Joey was there too.

Joey: All right. (Moves closer.)

Ross: Was there...uh, huh, huh, huh... andybody, anybody else there.

Rachel: No.

Ross: You're sure? Nobody uh, handed out uh, mints or anything?

Rachel: No, it was just the three of us.

Ross: Huh!

Joey: So, tell me. Was it like you and Chandler, and then you and me, or you and me and Chandler?

Rachel: (laughs) You know what?

Joey: What?

Rachel: There were times when it wasn't even me.

(Chandler and Joey laughs, until they look at each other then recoil in horror.)

Phoebe: That is so sweet, you guys. (hugs them)

(Monica enters, wearing a walkman, so she doesn't hear what the others say)

Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe: Hey, Mon.

Rachel: Mon, Ethan called again. Mon?

All: (shouting) Mon!

(Monica takes of her walkman)

Monica: What?

Rachel: Ethan called again.

Monica: Oh.

Ross: Are you not seeing him anymore?

Monica: No. You know, sometimes just things doesn't work out.

Chandler: And this has nothing to do with the fact that he needs a note to get out of gym.

(Monica stares at Rachel)

Rachel: I, I didn't say any... I sw... I did not say anything, I swear. He stopped by.

Joey: Listen, the next time you talk to him, can you ask him which one the strongest Power Ranger is?

(Ross and Chandler laughs)

Ross: Oh, yeah.

Monica: Ha,ha, ha, oh my life is just so amusing. Could we drop it now?

Joey, Chander, and Ross: Sorry.

Ross: It's morphin time!

Joey: Stegosaurus!

Chandler: Tyrannosaurus!

(They all cross they're arms like the Power Rangers do)

Phoebe: Ooh, oh, I've gotta go. (raises) Whoa, oh, head rush. One more, and then I have to go. (sits down, and then raises again) Cool!

Rachel: Where are you going?

Phoebe: Um, oh, I've got a birthday party, with some work people.

Chandler: Work people? Nobody told me.

Phoebe: No, I know. That's a part of the whole, you know, them-not-liking-you-extravaganza.

Chandler: You know, I don't get this. A month ago, these people were my friends. You know, just because I'm in charge doesn't mean I'm a different person.

Phoebe: Well, then you should come tonight. You know, just hang out with them. Let them see what a great guy you still are.

Chandler: You think I should?

Phoebe: I really do, yeah.

Chandler: Okay.

Phoebe: Okay.

Chandler: Okay.

Phoebe: Oh, but, could we not go together? I,I don't wanna be the geek that invited the boss.

[Scene: Chandler's office, he and Phoebe are taking a break from work.]

Chandler: I Think last night was great. You know, the Karaoke thing. Tracy and I doing Ebony and Ivory.

Phoebe: You were great. But they still made fun of you.

Chandler: What?

Phoebe: You know, now you're more like, you know like, "Mr. Caring Boss," "Mr.", you know, "I'm one of you, Boss," "Mr., I wanna be your buddy, Boss Man Bing!"

Chandler: Then, I don't get it.

Phoebe: Well, you know what Chandler? I think you've gotta face it. You're like, the guy in the big office, you know. You're the one that hires them, that fires them... They still say you're a great boss.

Chandler: They do?

Phoebe: Uh huh. But they're not your friends anymore.

Chandler: I just wan't to...

Phoebe: No, but you can't.

Chandler: But I just wa...

Phoebe: Uh uh.

[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone exept Phoebe and Chandler is there. Ross's beeper goes off and everyone exept him react.]

Monica: Aren't you gonna...

Ross: Oh, Carol and I have a new system. If she punches in 911, it means she's having a baby, otherwise I just ignore it.

Joey: What about Andr?

Ross: Oh, well this morning he got a call from who I think was our cousin Nathan, and frankly, it was a little more than I needed to know.

(Ethan enters)

Young Ethan: Hey.

Monica: That was gonna be my opener.

Rachel: (understands that Monica and Ethan wanna be alone) Hey, did you guys check out those new hand-dryers in the bathroom?

Ross: I thought that was just a rumour.

Rachel: True story.

Joey: They're here already?

(Rachel, Ross and Ross go to the bathroom)

Young Ethan: All right, look. I've gotta tell you something. I'm not 17. I only said so that you'd think I was cute and vunerable. I'm actually 30, I have a wife, I have a job, I'm your Congressman. Monica, this is ridiculous, we're great together. We can talk, we make each other laugh, and the sex. Oh, man, okay i have no frame of graft, but I thought that was great.

Monica: It was.

Young Ethan: Then, what's the problem?

Monica: Ethan, it's um... it's icky.

Young Ethan: Icky? You're actually gonna throw this away because it's icky?

Monica: This isn't easy for me either. I wish things were different, I... If you were a few years older, or if I was a few years younger, or if we lived in biblical times, I would really...

Young Ethan: No, don't say it. (closes Monica's mouth with his hand)

Monica: ...love you.

(Ross, Rachel and Joey come back from the bathroom. They discover that Monica and Ethan aren't finished talking to each other yet.)

Ross: Are you're hands still wet?

Joey: Uh, moist, yeah.

Rachel: Let's dry 'em again.

(They go to the bathroom again)

[Scene: A hall on the floor where Chandler works. Chandler and Phoebe enters, and overhears some employees's conversation. One of them is doing Chandler.]

Gerston: Uh, like, could these margaritas be any stronger? (They discover that Chandler is listening) Hey, Chandler.

Santos: Hello, Mr. Bing.

Petrie: Loved your Stevie Wonder last night.

Chandler: Thanks. Listen, about the weekly numbers, I'm gonna need them on my desk by nine o'clock.

Santos: Sure.

Gerston: No problem.

(They go away, trying very hard not to laugh at Chandler)

Chandler: You have to give 'em something, you know. Okay, now that was Gerston, Santos, and who's the guy with the moustache?

Phoebe: Petrie.

Chandler: Petrie, right, right. Okay, some people gonna be working this weekend.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is watching TV, but turns it off, and Rachel is sleeping on the couch. Ross puts a blanket over her.]

Rachel: (talking in her sleep) Oooooooooh. (Rachel strokes her hand over the pillow. Ross mimicks her silently) Oh, that's nice. Oh, oh. Huh, Ross!

(Ross gets all excited and starts to dance on the coffee table, but slips allmost immediatly, and falls onto the couch. Rachel wakes up.)

Rachel: Ross?

Ross: I'm here.

Rachel: You are. Well, um... We, we, we were just...  Wow!

Ross: What? (his beeper goes off) Great, now I'm having a baby.

Rachel: What?

Ross: Ooh, Ooh.

Rachel: What?

Ross: I'm having... I'm having a baby. (jumps back onto the table again) I'm having a... Where's the phone? The phone?

Rachel: I don't know where the phone is.

(Ross runs from the table, over the couch but slips and falls onto the floor)

Rachel: Ross?

Ross: I'm hurt.

Closing Credits

[Scene: The Hallway, Ross is eagerly waiting for the others to get ready, to go to the hospital.]

Ross: Monica, let's go. Come on now people, woman in labor.

(Chandler struts out from his apartment)

Chandler: (doing a little dance) Hey Ross, look what I've got going here. 

Ross: Yeah, save it for the cab, okay.

(Rachel comes out from their apartment with a mirror and a lipstick in her hands)

Ross: What are you doing? We're going to a hospital.

Rachel: What, so I can't lokk nice? There might be doctors there.

Ross: Joey, get out of the fridge.

Joey: All right, all right. (he comes out from their apartment with a huge sandwich in his hand)

Ross: What is that? (refering to the sandwich)

Joey: For the ride.

Chandler: Yeah, like in a cab...

Ross: Save it.

Chandler: Okay, hating this.

Ross: Monica, come on now. Let's go, baby coming.

(Monica enters from their apartment, crying)

Monica: I can't belive it, I'm gonna be an aunt. I'm gonna have like a nephew.

Ross: That's nice. Get out Let's go, come on.

Joey: All right, I'm going. I'm going.

(They all go down the stairs, but Ross turns around, looking like his in a coma. The others also turns around to get him.)

Chandler: Here we go, here we go.

Rachel: Rossy, Rossy.

End


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The One With the Birth

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Story by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Teleplay by: Jeff Greenstein & Jeff Strauss
Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips
With Minor Adjustments by: Dan Silverstein


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Scene: The hospital, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are in the waiting room, waiting for Carol and Susan to arrive.] 

Ross: She's not here yet. She's not here. She's having my baby and she's not here.

Monica: I'm sure everything's fine. Has her water broke yet?

Ross: I don't know, but when I spoke to her, she said she had already passed the mucus plug.

(Joey makes a sound of absolute disgust.)

Joey: Do we have to know about that?

Monica: Joey, what are you gonna do when you have a baby?

Joey: I'm gonna be in the waitin' room, handing out cigars.

Chandler: Yes, Joey's made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the 50's.

Ross: God, I don't believe this. She could be giving birth in the cab.

Rachel: Oh, Ross, relax. It's probably like two dollars for the first contraction, and then fifty cents for each additional contraction.

(Everyone looks at Rachel as though she made a tasteless comment.)

Rachel: What, it's ok when Chandler does it?

Chandler: You have to pick your moments.

(Phoebe arrives, guitar in hand.)

Phoebe: Did I miss it, did I miss it?

Ross: She's not even here yet.

Monica: What's with the guitar?

Phoebe: I just thought we might be here for awhile. You know, things might get musical.

(Carol and Susan arrive.)

Ross: (to Carol) Where the hell have you been?

Susan: We stopped at the gift shop.

Carol: I was looking at stuffed animals, and Susan wanted a Chunky.

Ross: Susan wanted a Chunky. We're having a baby, ok, a baby, you don't stop for Chunkys.

Chandler: I used to have that bumper sticker.

(Everyone is amused by Chandler's comment.)

Chandler: (to Rachel) You see what I mean.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Carol's Hospital Room, Carol is on the bed, Ross and Susan are at her side.]

Ross: Stopped for a Chunky.

Carol: Let it go, Ross.

Susan: I got an extra one. You want this? (holds the candy in front of Ross' face)

Ross: (weakly) No.

(Carol's doctor, Dr. Franzblau arrives.)

Dr. Franzblau: Hey, how's my favorite parenting team doing?

Ross: Dr. Franzblau, hi.

Dr. Franzblau: So, I understand you're thinking of having a baby? Well, I see you're nine months pregnant. That's a good start. How you doing with your contractions?

Carol: Oh, I love them. Each one's like a little party in my uterus.

Susan: They're every four minutes and last 55 seconds.

Ross: 59 seconds. (holds up his watch) Quartz, ha.

Susan: Swiss quartz, ha, ha.

Carol: Am I allowed to drink anything?

Dr. Franzblau: Ice chips, just ice chips. They're at the nurses' station.

Ross: I'll get it.

Susan: No, I'm getting it. I'll be right back.

Ross: I got it桰'm getting it!

(They both leave just as Rachel enters the room, holding a cup.)

Rachel: Hi, I thought you might like some ice chips.

Carol: Thanks.

Rachel: And if you need anything else, I?notices the handsome Dr. Franzblau)梔o not believe we've met. Hi. I'm, uh, Rachel Green. I'm Carol's... ex-husband's... sister's roommate. 

Dr. Franzblau: It is nice to meet you. I'm Dr. Franzblau. I'm your roommate's... brother's... ex-wife's obstetrician.

Rachel: Oh, that's funny!

[Scene: The Waiting Room, Chandler is falling asleep on Monica's shoulder.]

Monica: I want a baby.

Chandler: Mmmm. Not tonight, honey. I got an early day tomorrow.

Monica: Get up. Come on. Let's get some coffee.

Chandler: Oh, ok, 'cause we never do that.

(Chandler and Monica leave. Cut to Joey, watching the Knicks/Celtics game on television.)

Joey: (to the screen) Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot, or just fall down. That's good too.

(A young pregnant woman enters.)

Lydia: Knick fan?

Joey: Oh, yeah.

Lydia: Oh, boy, do they suck.

Joey: Hey, listen, lady....(sees that she's pregnant)...whoa.

Lydia: Look, look at your man, Ewing. Nice shot. You know what, he couldn't hit water if he was standing on a boat.

Joey: Oh yeah? And who do you like?

Lydia: The Celtics.

Joey: The Celtics? Ha. They couldn't hit a boat if...wait. They suck, alright?

Lydia: Oh, shut up. You know, it's a rebuilding year. You... waah!

Joey: Wha? Wha..aa? Let me get the father. Hey, we need a father over here! We need a father!

Lydia: There is no father.

Joey: Oh, oh, oh, sorry.

Lydia: Ok, that's ok. I'm fine. I'm... oh!

Joey: Oh, uh, ok. Right this way. All the other pregnant women seem to be goin' in here.

Lydia: Ok.

(Joey accompanies Lydia to a hospital room.)

[Scene: The Waiting Room, Phoebe is playing a song. Chandler, Monica, and Ross are there as well.]

Phoebe: (singing) 

They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch,
and soon they'll grow up and resent you so much. 
Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why, 
you cry and you cry and you cry. 
And you cry and you cry and you cry...

(Ross gives Phoebe a dollar.)

Phoebe: Thanks, Ross.

Ross: Yeah. I'm paying you to stop.

Phoebe: Ok.

(A woman passes by, carrying newborn twins.)

Phoebe: Oh, look, twins. Hi, guys. Oh, cute, cute.

Monica: No fair. I don't even have one. How come they get two?

Chandler: You'll get one.

Monica: Oh yeah? When?

Chandler: All right. I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have one?

Monica: Why won't I be married when I'm 40?

Chandler: Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically.

Monica: Ok, hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40?

Chandler: No, no, no.

Monica: What is it? Is there something fundamentally unmarriable about me?

Chandler: (trapped) Uh, uh.

Monica: Well?

Chandler: Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack! (throws himself over the back of the chair he was sitting in)

(Rachel enters, in a formal dress.)

Rachel: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey. Ooh, look at you, dressy-dress.

Monica: Did you go home and change?

Rachel: Yeah, well, it's an important day. I wanna look nice. Um, has uh Dr. Franzblau been by?

Monica: No, I haven't seen him.

Rachel: Well, where is he? He is supposed to be here. (Pause) What if the baby needs him?

Chandler: Rachel, what is the deal with you and doctors, anyway? Was, like, your father a doctor? 

Rachel: Yeah, why?

Chandler: No reason. (turns around, makes an 'Oh my God' gesture with his eyes)

[Scene: Joey and Lydia in the hospital room. Lydia is on the phone with her mother.]

Lydia: Mom, we've been through this. No, I'm not calling him. I don't care if it is his kid, the guy's a jerk. No, I'm not alone. Joey's here. (pause) What do you mean, Joey who? (covers the phone, to Joey) Joey who?

Joey: Tribbiani.

Lydia: Joey Tribbiani. Yes, ok. Hold on. (to Joey) She wants to talk to you. Take the phone.

Joey: (takes phone) Hi, yeah, it's me. (Listens) Oh, no no no, we're just friends. (Listens) Yeah, I'm single. (Listens) 25. (Listens) An actor. (Listens) Hello?

Lydia: She's not much of a phone person.

Joey: Yeah, so, uh, so, uh, what's the deal with this father guy, I mean, if someone was havin' my baby somewhere, I'd wanna know about it, you know?

Lydia: Hey, Knick fan, am I interested in your views on fatherhood? Uh, no. 

Joey: Ok, look, maybe I should just go.

Lydia: Maybe you should.

Joey: Good luck, and uh, take care, huh? 

(He leaves, but then returns a moment later.)

Joey: You know what the Celtics problem is? They let the players run the team.

Lydia: Oh, that is so not true.

Joey: Oh, it is.

Lydia: It isn't.

Joey: It is.

Lydia: Isn't!

[Scene: Carol's Hospital Room, Ross and Susan are coaching Carol.]

Ross: Breathe.

Susan: Breathe.

Ross: Breathe.

Susan: Breathe.

Ross: Breathe.

Susan: Breathe.

Carol: You're gonna kill me!

Ross: 15 more seconds, 14, 13, 12...

Carol: Count faster.

Susan: It's gonna be ok, just remember, we're doing this for Jordie. Just keep focusing on Jordie.

Ross: Who the hell is Jordie?

Susan: Your son.

Ross: No-no-no. I don't have a son named Jordie. We all agreed, my son's name is Jamie.

Carol: Well, Jamie was the name of Susan's first girlfriend, so we went back to Jordie.

Ross: What? Whoa, whoa whoa whoa, what do you mean, back to Jordie? We never landed on Jordie. We just passed by it during the whole Jessy, Cody, Dylan fiasco.

Carol: Ow, ow, ow, ow, leg cramp, leg cramp, leg cramp.

Ross: I got it.

Susan: I got it.

Ross: I got it! Hey, you get to sleep with her, I get the cramps.

Susan: No, you don't.

Carol: All right, that's it. I want both of you out.

Ross: Why?

Susan: He started it!

Ross: No, you started it.

Susan: You did!

Carol: I don't care. I am trying to get a person out of my body here, and you're not making it any easier.

Ross: But...

Carol: Now go!

Ross: (to Susan) Thanks a lot.

Susan: (to Ross) See what you did.

Ross: (to Carol) Yeah, listen...

Carol: Out! 

(Ross and Susan both angrily leave the hopsital room.)

[Scene: Lydia's Hospital Room, Joey is helping Lydia go through labor, a nurse is now present in her room as well.]

Nurse: Breathe, breathe, breathe...

Lydia: Oh, no.

(Joey looks down at Lydia.)

Joey: Ew! What is that? Something exploded!

Nurse: It's just her water breaking. Calm down, will you?

Joey: (panicked) Water breaking, what do you mean? What's that, water breaking?

Nurse: (to Joey) Breathe, breathe, breathe.

[Scene: The Hall, Ross and Susan are arguing.]

Ross: Please. This is so your fault.

Susan: How, how is this my fault?

Ross: Look, Carol never threw me out of a room before you came along.

Susan: Yeah? Well, there's a lot of things Carol never did before I came along.

Ross: You tryin' to be clever? A funny lady?

Susan: You know what your problem is? You're threatened by me.

Ross: Oh, I'm threatened by you?

Susan: Yes.

(Phoebe has heard them arguing and comes down the hall, taking them into a broom closet.)

Phoebe: Hey, hey, ok, all right, that's it! Get in here. Come on. My god, you guys, I don't believe you. There are children coming into the world in this very building and your negative fighting noises are not the first thing they should be hearing. So just stop all the yelling, just stop it!

Ross: Yeah, Susan.

Phoebe: Don't make me do this again, I don't like my voice like this.

(Phoebe goes to leave the room, but the door is locked.)

Phoebe: Ok, who wants to hear something ironic?

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross and Susan are trying to get out.]

All: Help!

Ross: I'm having a baby in here! Ok, everyone stand back. (Walks backwards as if he is going to break down the door, but steps in a bucket and falls) Ow.

[Scene: Carol's room, Rachel and Dr. Franzblau are there with her.]

Carol: Are they here yet?

Rachel: No, honey, they're not, but don't worry, because we are going to find them, and until we do, we are all here for you, ok?

Carol: Ok.

Rachel: Ok?

Carol: Ok.

Rachel: (to Dr. Franzblau) Ok, so anyway, you were telling me about Paris, it sounds fascinating.

Dr. Franzblau: It really was. There was this great little pastry shop right by my hotel. (Carol sits up in pain, Rachel and Dr. Franzblau casually lay her back down) There you go, dear. 

[Scene: Lydia's Room, Joey is helping her deliver.]

Joey: Come on, Lydia, you can do it. Push! Push 'em out, push 'em out, harder, harder. Push 'em out, push 'em out, way out! Let's get that ball and really move, hey, hey, ho, ho. Let's?(notices the nurse looking at him strangely) I was just梱eah, right. Push! Push! 

[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross has picked up a vacuum and is holding it at the door.]

Susan: What're you gonna do, suck the door open?

Ross: Help! Help!

Phoebe: (singing) They found their bodies the very next day, they found their bodies the very next...(sees Ross and Susan staring at her) la la la la la la.

Susan and Ross: (even louder) Help!

[Scene: The Waiting Room, Monica is on the phone with her mother, Chandler is standing behind her.]

Monica: Now, Mom, everything's going fine, really. (Listens) Yeah, Ross is great. He's uh, he's in a whole other place. (Listens) No, he's gone. (Listens) No no, you don't have to fly back, really. (Listens) What do you mean this might be your only chance? (Listens) Would you stop? I'm only 26, I'm not even thinking about babies yet. 

(Monica sees a woman pass by with a baby, puts the phone to her chest, and starts to cry. Chandler takes the phone, makes a noise in it resembling static, and hangs up. Joey enters.)

Chandler: Where have you been?

Joey: Oh, just had a baby.

Chandler: Mazel tov!

[Scene: The Waiting Room, Rachel and Dr. Franzblau have gone to get coffee.]

Dr. Franzblau: I don't know, could be an hour, could be three, but relax, she's doing great. So, uh, tell me, are you currently involved with anyone?

Rachel: (anxiously) No, no, not at the moment, no, I'm not. Are you?

Dr. Franzblau: No, it's hard enough to get women to go out with me.

Rachel: Right, yeah, I've heard that about cute doctors.

Dr. Franzblau: No, no, really. I suppose it's because I spend so much time, you know, where I do.

Rachel: Oh.

Dr. Franzblau: I try not to let my work affect my personal life, but it's hard, when you... do what I do. It's like uh...Well, for instance, what do you do?

Rachel: I'm a waitress.

Dr. Franzblau: Ok, all right, well aren't there times when you come home at the end of the day, and you're just like, 'if I see one more cup of coffee'...

Rachel: (getting the point) Yeah. Gotcha.

Dr. Franzblau: I'm gonna go check up on your friend.

Rachel: Ok. That's fine. (takes her earrings out)

[Scene: The Hall Outside Lydia's Room, Joey is walking up to Lydia's room with balloons, but before he enters he sees that the baby's father has arrived. He listens at the door.]

Lydia: So how did you know I was even here?

Guy: Your mom called me. So is this her?

Lydia: No, this is a loaner.

Guy: I'm sorry you had to do this by yourself.

Lydia: I wasn't by myself. I had a doctor, a nurse, and a helper guy. (Joey smiles) So, did you see who won the game?

Guy: Yeah, the Knicks by 10. They suck.

Lydia: Yeah, they're not so bad.

(Joey closes the door and ties the balloons to the knob. Then he walks away, holding the hand of an inflated balloon animal he had brought.)

[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross is trying to open the door with a credit card, with no success.]

Ross: Come on, come on. Damnit, damnit, damnit, damnit. (to Susan) This is all your fault. This is supposed to be, like, the greatest day of my life, y'know? My son is being born, and I should be in there, you know, instead of stuck in a closet with you.

Susan: The woman I love is having a baby today. I've been waiting for this just as much as you have.

Ross: No no no, believe me. No one has been waiting for this as much as I have, ok? And you know what the funny thing is? When this day is over, you get to go home with the baby, ok? Where does that leave me?

Susan: You get to be the baby's father. Everyone knows who you are. Who am I? There's Mother's Day, there's Father's Day, there's no... Lesbian Lover Day.

Ross: Every day is Lesbian Lover Day.

Phoebe: This is so great.

Ross: You wanna explain that?

Phoebe: I mean, well, 'cause when I was growing up, you know my dad left, and my mother died, and my stepfather went to jail, so I barely had enough pieces of parents to make one whole one. And here's this little baby who has like three whole parents who care about it so much that they're fighting over who gets to love it the most. And it's not even born yet. It's just, it's just the luckiest baby in the whole world. (pause) I'm sorry, you were fighting.

[Scene: Carol's Room, she is ready to give birth. Everyone is there except for Phoebe, Ross, and Susan, who are in the broom closet.]

Carol: Where are they?

Monica: I'm sure they'll be here soon.

Rachel: Yeah, honey, they wouldn't miss this.

Joey: Relax. You're only at nine centimeters. And the baby's at zero station.

Chandler: (to Joey) You are really frightening me.

(Carol suddenly screams in pain and grabs Chandler by the shirt.)

Chandler: Somebody wanna help me, tryin' to rip out my heart. (they pull her hand off of him) Uh, that's great. (looking around) Anybody seen a nipple?

Dr. Franzblau: All right, ten centimeters, here we go.

Nurse: All right, honey, time to start pushing.

Carol: But they're not here yet!

Dr. Franzblau: I'm sorry, I can't tell the baby to wait for them.

Carol: Oh, god.

[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross has used a broom to open the air vent in the ceiling. Phoebe is wearing a janitor's uniform, ready to go up in the vent.]

Ross: Ok, got the vent open.

Phoebe: (reading the nametag on the uniform) Hi, I'm Ben. I'm hospital worker Ben. It's Ben... to the rescue!

Ross: Ben, you ready? All right, gimme your foot. Ok, on three, Ben. One, two, three. Ok, That's it, Ben.

(Ross and Susan lift Phoebe up into the vent.)

Susan: What do you see?

Phoebe: Well, Susan, I see what appears to be a dark vent. Wait. Yes, it is in fact a dark vent.

(A janitor opens the closet door from the outside.)

Ross: Phoebs, It's open! It's open!

(Ross and Susan run to the delivery room, leaving Phoebe dangling from the vent.)

Janitor: (to Ross and Susan) Wait! You forgot your legs!

[Scene: Carol's Room, Ross and Susan rush in.]

All: Push, push!

Ross: We're here!

Carol: (irked) Where have you been?

Ross: Long story, honey.

Dr. Franzblau: All right, Carol, I need you to keep pushing. I need?reaches for an instrument, Rachel's hand is on it) Excuse me, could I have this?

Nurse: All right, all right, there's a few too many people in this room, and there's about to be one more, so anybody who's not an ex-husband or a lesbian life partner, out you go!

All: Good luck!

(Everyone heads for the door.)

Chandler: (to nurse) Let me ask you, do you have to be Carol's lesbian life partner?

Nurse: Out!

Dr. Franzblau: All right, he's crowning. Here he comes.

Ross: Let me see, I gotta see, I gotta see. Oh, a head. Oh, it's, it's huge. Carol, how are you doing this?

Carol: (straining) Not.... helping!

Dr. Franzblau: You're doing great, you're doing fine. 

Ross: (puts his head near the baby) Hello! (to Dr. Franzblau) Oh, sorry.

Susan: What do you see? What do you see?

Ross: We got a head, we got shoulders, we got arms, we got, oh, look at the little fingers, oh, and a chest, and a stomach. It's a boy, definitely a boy! All right! Ok, legs, knees, and feet. Oh, oh. He's here. He's a person.

Susan: Oh, look at that.

Carol: What does he look like?

Ross: Kinda like my uncle Ed, covered in Jell-o.

Carol: Really?

Phoebe: (from the air vent overhead) You guys, he's beautiful!

Ross: Oh, thanks, Pheebs!

(They look up towards the vent and wave at Phoebe.)

[Scene: The Delivery Room, Carol is holding the infant.]

Susan: No shouting, but we still need a name for this little guy.

Ross: (thinking) How 'bout Ben?

Susan: I like Ben.

Carol: Ben. Ben. Ben's good. How come you never mentioned Ben before?

Ross: We uh, we just cooked it up.

Susan: That's what we were off doing.

(Monica opens the door.)

Monica: Hi.

Ross: Hey.

Monica: Can we come in?

(The whole gang enters.)

Ross: (to Ben) I know, I know. Everybody, there's someone I'd like you to meet. Yeah. This is Ben. Ben, this is everybody.

Phoebe: Susan, he looks just like you.

Susan: Thanks.

Rachel: Oh, god, I can't believe one of us actually has one of these.

Chandler: I know, I still am one of these.

Monica: Ross, can I?

(Monica holds Ben.)

Ross: The head, the head. You gotta...

Monica: (getting choked up) Hi, Ben. Hi. I'm your Aunt Monica. Yes I am. I'm your Aunt Monica. I...I will always have gum.

Closing Credits

[Scene: The Hospital, the camera is placed as though it were Ben's eyes.]

Ross: Ben, I want you to know that there may be some times when I may not be around, like this. (walks out of the picture) But I'll still always come back, like this. (returns) And sometimes I may be away longer, like this. (walks away) But I'll still always come back, like this. (returns) 

(Chandler comes into the picture.)

Chandler: And sometimes, I'll want you to steal third, and I'll go like this. (Does a baseball sign.)

(The rest of the group come into the picture.)

Monica: He is so amazing.

Rachel: Oh, I know. Look at him.

Joey: Ben, Ben, hey Ben. Nothing. I don't think that's his name.

Phoebe: Oh, look, look, he's closing his eyes. (screen goes blank) Look, he's opening his eyes. (picture comes back) 

Joey: He doesn't do much, does he?

Ross: No, this is pretty much it.

(long moment of silence)

Rachel: You guys wanna get some coffee?

All: Yeah.

Ross: All right, I'll see you guys later.

(They all leave but Ross, but they all come back a few seconds later. They make faces at the baby.)

Phoebe: Oh, look, he's closing his eyes again.

(The screen fades to black.)

End


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The One Where Rachel Finds Out

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Written by: Chris Brown
Transcribed by: Dan Silverstein


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[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there, Ross is showing pictures of his new baby boy, Ben, to the group.]

Ross: And here's little Ben nodding off...

Monica: Awww, look at Aunt Monica's little boy!

Phoebe: Oh, look, he's got Ross's haircut!

Rachel: Oh, let me see! (grabs picture) Oh, God, is he just the sweetest thing? You must just want to kiss him all over!

(Ross is practically drooling over Rachel at this point.)

Ross: (quietly) That would be nice.

(Chandler, annoyed with Ross's fawning, makes a 'pfft' noise.)

Rachel: Pardon?

Chandler: Nothing, just a little extra air in my mouth. Pffft. Pffffffft. (walks over to where Joey is seated)

(Joey is looking at his check.)

Joey: Hey, Chan, can you help me out here? I promise I'll pay you back.

Chandler: Oh, yeah, right, OK... inlcuding the waffles last week, you now owe me... 17 jillion dollars.

Joey: I will, really. I'll pay you back this time.

Chandler: (sigh)... And where's this money coming from? (gives money to Joey)

Joey: Well... I'm helping out down at the N.Y.U. Med School with some... research.

Ross: (overhearing) What kind of research?

Joey: Oh, just, y'know.... science.

Ross: Science. Yeah, I think I've heard of that. (everyone's interest is piqued, they all look over)

Joey: (sigh)... It's a fertility study.

(Rachel laughs.)

Monica: Oh, Joey, please tell me you're only donating your time.

Joey: Alright, come on you guys, it's not that big a deal. Really... I mean, I just go down there every other day and... make my contribution to the project. Hey, hey, but at the end of two weeks, I get seven hundred dollars.

Ross: Hey.

Phoebe: Wow, ooh, you're gonna be making money hand over fist!

Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe are preparing for a barbecue for Rachel's birthday.]

Monica: OK, we got the cole slaw, we got the buns...

Phoebe: We've got the ground-up flesh of formerly cute cows and turkeys, ew... (hands meat to Monica)

(Chandler and Joey enter with charcoal.)

Chandler: (in a deep voice) Men are here.

Joey: We make fire. Cook meat.

Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back.

Monica and Phoebe: Ewww!

Monica: Oh Joey, Melanie called, said she's gonna be late.

Joey: Oh, OK.

Phoebe: So how are things going with you two? Is she becoming your (provocatively) special someone?

Joey: I don't know, she's, uh.... she's pretty great.

Monica: Yeah? What does she think of your little science project?

Joey: What, you think I'm gonna tell a girl I like that I'm also seeing a cup?

Monica: Man's got a point.

Joey: Well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have sex with me.

Chandler: Crazy bitch.

Joey: Yeah, well, I still got a week left to go in the program, and according to the rules, if I want to get the money I'm not allowed to conduct any... ersonal experiments, if you know what I mean.

Monica: Joey... we always know what you mean.

[Time lapse. Chandler and Joey are making the fire, Monica and Phoebe are inside. Ross enters, carrying luggage.]

Phoebe: Hey.

Monica: Hey.

Ross: Hey. (Phoebe sees his bags)

Phoebe: How long did you think this barbecue was gonna last?

Ross: I'm going to China. 

Phoebe: Jeez, you say one thing, and...

Monica: You're going to China?

Ross: Yeah, i-it's for the museum. Someone found a bone, we want the bone, but they don't want us to have the bone, so I'm going over there to try to persuade them to give us the bo梚t's梚t's a whole big bone thing. Anyway, I'm gonna be gone for like, uh... like a week, so, uh, if you wanna reach me, y-you can't. So here's my itinerary (hands a sheet of paper to Monica). Um... here's a picture of me... (hands it to Monica)

Phoebe: Oh, let me see! (takes the picture)

Ross: (to Monica): Could you take it to Carol's every now and then, and show it to Ben, just so he doesn't forget me?

Monica: Yeah.

(Phoebe puts the picture of Ross up to her face.)

Phoebe: Hi, Ben. I'm your father. I am... the head. Aaaaaahhhh.... (puts picture down, sees Ross staring at her) Alright, this barbecue is gonna be very fun.

Ross: Hey, is Rachel here? Um, I wanted to wish her a happy birthday before I left.

Monica: Oh no, she's out having drinks with Carl.

Ross: Oh. (pause) Hey, who's Carl?

Monica: You know, that guy she met at the coffeehouse.

Ross: No.

Phoebe: Oh, well, see, there's this guy she met at the...

Ross: At the coffeehouse, right.

Phoebe: So you do know who he is! (laughs, Ross stares at her) Sorry.

Ross: OK, I'm gonna go say goodbye to the guys.

Phoebe: Oh, hey, y'know what? Tell them that bone story.

(Ross goes outisde on the balcony.)

Ross: Hi.

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Ross: (sigh)....I have to go to China.

Joey: The country?

Ross: No no, this big pile of dishes in my mom's breakfront. Do you guys know who Carl is?

Chandler: Uh, let's see... Alvin... Simon... Theodore.... no.

Ross: Well, Rachel's having drinks with him tonight.

Joey: Oh no! How can she do that when she's never shown any interest in you?!?

Chandler: Forget about her.

Joey: He's right, man. Please. Move on. Go to China. Eat Chinese food.

Chandler: Course there, they just call it food.

Ross: Yeah... I guess. I don't桰 don't know. Alright, just... just give her this for me, OK? (gives Chandler a gift for Rachel)

Joey: Listen, buddy, we're just looking out for you.

Ross: I know.

Joey: We want you to be happy. And I may only have a couple beers in me, but... I love you, man. (Joey gives Ross a hug)

Chandler: I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice.

[Time lapse. Melanie, Joey's girlfriend, is there with Joey, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel. Ross is gone.]

Melanie: Anyway, that's when me and my friends started this whole fruit basket business. We call ourselves 'The Three Basketeers.'

Joey: Like the three musketeers, only with fruit.

Chandler: (sarcastic) Ooooh. (looks dumbfounded at Joey's stupidity)

Monica: (gets up) OK, how does everybody like their burgers?

Rachel: Oh, no, no, no. Presents first. Food later. (walks into living room)

(Everyone follows Rachel to the living room. Monica pulls Joey aside.)

Monica: Hey, hold on there, tiger. How's it going? How you holding up?

Joey: Well, not so good. She definitely thinks tonight is the night we're gonna... complete the transaction, if you know what I...

(Monica rolls her eyes.)

Joey: Then you do. Heh, heh.

Monica: So, uh, have you ever thought about being there for her?

Joey: What do you mean?

Monica: Y'know, just be there for her.

(Long pause... Joey looks confused.)

Joey: Not following you.

Monica: Think about it.

(They both walk over to where Rachel is opening her gifts. Rachel sees her first gift is a fruit basket.)

Rachel: OK, I'm guessing this is from...

(Melanie smiles.)

Rachel: Well, thank you, Melanie.

Chandler: (pointing out a gift) OK, this one right here is from me.

Rachel: (picks it up) OK... ah, it's light... (shakes it)...it rattles... it's... (opens it) Travel Scrabble! Oooohhh, thank you! (she gives it back to him)

(Chandler looks dejected. Rachel picks up another gift.)

Rachel: This one's from Joey... feels like a book. Thinks it's a book... feels like a book. And...(opens it)...it's a book!

Phoebe: Oh, it's Dr. Seuss!

Joey: (to Rachel): That book got me through some tough times.

Melanie: There is a little child inside this man!

Chandler: Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he'll die.

(Rachel picks up the next gift.)

Rachel: Who's this from?

Chandler: Oh, that's Ross's. 

Rachel: Oh... (opens it)... (sees it is a pin) Oh my God. He remembered.

Phoebe: Remembered what?

Rachel: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can't believe he remembered!

Chandler: Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane? (pats his Travel Scrabble game)

Phoebe: Oh, it's so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune.

Monica: I can't believe he did this.

Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?

(Everyone looks at him. He realizes he just spilled the beans about Ross's crush on Rachel. You can hear this entire classic scene by clicking here.)

Rachel: What did you just say?

Chandler: (panicked) ahem... um... Crystal duck.

Rachel: No, no, no.... the, um, the... 'love' part?

Chandler: (stuttering incoherently) F-hah.... flennin....

Rachel: Oh.... my God.

Chandler: (rubbing his temples) Oh, no-no-no-no-no....

Joey: (pats Chandler on the leg) That's good, just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]

Rachel: I mean, this is unbelievable.

Phoebe: I know. This is really, really huge.

Chandler: No it's not. It's small. It's tiny. It's petite. It's wee.

Phoebe: Nuh-uh. I don't think any of our lives are ever gonna be the same ever again.

Chandler: OK, is there a mute button on this woman?

Monica: I think this is so great! I mean, you and Ross! D-did you have any idea?

Rachel: No! None! I mean, my first night in the city, he mentioned something about asking me out, but nothing ever happened, so I just... (to Joey): W-well, what else did he say? I mean, does he, like, want to go out with me?

Joey: Well, given that he's desperately in love with you, he probably wouldn't mind getting a cup of coffee or something.

Rachel: Ross? All this time? Well, I've got to talk to him. (gets up to leave)

Chandler: (quickly) H-He's in China!

Joey: The country.

Monica: No, no, wait. (checks Ross's itinerary) His flight doesn't leave for another forty-five more minutes.

Chandler: What about the time difference?

Monica: From here to the airport?

Chandler: Yes! (Rachel walks towards door) You're never gonna make it!

Monica: Rachel, what're you gonna say to him?

Rachel: I-I-I don't know.

Chandler: Well then maybe you shouldn't go. 

Joey: He's right, cause if you're just gonna, like, break his heart, that's the kind of thing that can wait.

Monica: Yeah, but if it's good news, you should tell him now.

Rachel: I don't know. Maybe I'll know when I see him.

Phoebe: Here, look, alright, does this help?

(Phoebe gets up, holds the picture of Ross up to her face.)

Rachel: Noooo... look, all I know is that I cannot wait a week until I see him. I mean, this is just too big. Y'know, I just, I've just gotta talk to him. I... I gotta... OK, I'll see you later. (opens door)

Chandler: Rachel, I love you! Deal with me first! (she leaves)

[Scene: Airport, Ross has headphones on, and is listening to a 'How To Speak Chinese' tape. Occasionally, he makes an outburst in Chinese in accordance with the tape. He is getting on the jetway. The flight attendant is there.]

Ross: (something in Chinese)

Flight Attendant: Alright!

Ross: Ni-chou chi-ma! (walks onto jetway)

(Rachel runs into the airport, trying to catch Ross, moving people out of the way.)

Rachel: Ross! Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me....

(Rachel gets up to the jetway.)

Flight Attendant: Hi!

Rachel: Hi.

Flight Attendant: May I see your boarding pass?

Rachel: Oh, no, no, I don't have one. I just need to talk to my friend.

Flight Attendant: Oh, oooh. I'm sorry. You are not allowed on the jetway unless you have a boarding pass.

Rachel: No, I know, but I梙e just went on. He's right there, he's got the blue jacket on, I... can I j-just...

Flight Attendant: No no no! Federal regulations!

Rachel: OK, alright, OK, um... then could you please, uh... just give him a message for me? Please? This is very important.

Flight Attendant: Alright. What's the message?

Rachel: Uh... I don't know.

[Cut to the Jetway, the flight attendant enters, walks past Ross, and approaches an older man with his wife who is also wearing a blue jacket.]

Flight Attendant: Sir? Sir? Excuse me, sir? Uh... I have a message for you.

Man: (confused) What?

Flight Attendant: It's from Rachel. She said that she loved the present, and she will see you when you get back.

Man: (to wife): Toby... Oh, for God's sake, I don't know what she's talking about! There's no Rachel! Don't give me that deep freeze.

[Scene: Joey's Bedroom, he and Melanie are in bed together.]

Melanie: Mmmmmm... Oh, Joey, Joey, Joey... I think I blacked out there for a minute!

Joey: Heh, heh. It was nothin'.

Melanie: Well, now we've gotta find something fun for you! (she starts kissing his chest)

Joey: (panicked) Uhhh.. y'know what? Forget about me. Let's, uh... let's give you another turn.

Melanie: (surprised) M-Me again?

Joey: Sure! Why not?

Melanie: Boy, somebody's gonna get a big fruit basket tomorrow.

(Joey starts to kiss her.)

Melanie: Oooh, I gotta tell you... you are nothing like I thought you would be.

Joey: How do you mean?

Melanie: I don't know, I-I guess I just had you pegged as one of those guys who're always 'me, me, me.' But you... you're a giver. You're like the most generous man I ever met. I mean... you're practically a woman.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are there. Monica is holding the wrapping paper from one of Rachel's gifts.]

Monica: Uh, so, uh, Rach, uh... do you wanna save this wrapping paper, I mean, it's only a little bit torn... so are you gonna go for it with Ross or should I just throw it out?

Rachel: I don't know. I don't know... I thought about it all the way there, and I thought about it all the way back... and, uh, oh, you guys, y'know, it's Ross. Y'know what I mean? I mean, it's Ross.

Monica and Phoebe: Sure.

Rachel: I don't know, I mean, this is just my initial gut feeling... but I'm thinking... oh, I'm thinking it'd be really great.

Monica: Oh my God, me too! Oh! Oh, we'd be like friends-in-law! Y'know what the best part is? The best part is that you already know everything about him! I mean, it's like starting on the fifteenth date!

Phoebe: Yeah, but, y'know, it's... it would be like starting on the fifteenth date.

Monica: Another good point.

Phoebe: No, I mean, I mean, when you're at the fifteenth date, y'know, you're already in a very relationshippy place. Y'know, it's... you're committed.

Rachel: (confused) Huh?

Phoebe: Well, I mean, then what happens if it doesn't work out?

Monica: Why isn't it working out?

Rachel: I don't know... sometimes it doesn't.

Monica: Is he not cute enough for you?

Rachel: No!

Monica: Does he not make enough money?

Rachel: No, I'm just....

Phoebe: Maybe there's someone else.

Rachel: Wha...

Monica: Is there? Is there someone else?

Rachel: No! There is.. there is noone else!

Monica: Then why the hell are you dumping my brother?!?

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is eating breakfast, Joey quietly opens his bedroom door.]

Chandler: Hey, big...

Joey: Shhhh!

Chandler: (quietly) ...spender.

Joey: She's still asleep.

Chandler: So how'd it go?

Joey: Oh, it was amazing. You know how you always think you're great in bed?

Chandler: The fact that you'd even ask that question shows how little you know me.

Joey: Well, it's like, last night, I couldn't do the thing that usually makes me great. So I had to do all this other stuff. And the response I got... man, oh man, it was like a ticker tape parade!

Chandler: Yes, I know, as it happens my room is very very close to the parade route.

Joey: It was amazing! And not just for her... uh-uh. For me, too. It's like, all of a sudden, I'm blind. But all my other senses are heightened, y'know? It's like... I was able to appreciate it on another level.

Chandler: I didn't know you had another level.

Joey: I know! Neither did I!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, one week later. Monica is seated, Rachel comes out of her bedroom.]

Monica: Hey, great skirt! Birthday present?

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: Oh, from who?

Rachel: From you. I exchanged the blouse you got me.

Monica: Well, it's the thought. Hey, doesn't Ross's flight get in in a couple hours? At gate 27-B?

Rachel: Uh, yeah. Uh, Monica, y'know, honey, I've been thinking about it and I've decided this梩his whole Ross thing, it's just not a good idea.

Monica: Oh, why?

Rachel: Because, I feel like I wouldn't just be going out with him. I would be going out with all of you. Oh, and there would just be all this pressure, and I don't wanna...

Monica: (gets up) No, no, no, no, no, no pressure, no pressure!

Rachel: Monica, nothing has even happened yet, and you're already so...

Monica: I am not 'so'! OK, I was a teensy bit weird at first, but... I'll be good. I promise.

(Door buzzer goes off. Rachel answers it.)

Rachel: Who is it?

Intercom: It's me, Carl.

Rachel: C'mon up.

Monica: Behind my brother's back? (Rachel glares at her) ... is exactly the kind of crazy thing you won't be hearing from me.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is seated, and the apartment is filled with baskets of fruit. Joey enters, check in hand.]

Joey: Seven hundred bucks!

Chandler: Alright, you did it! Do we have any fruit?

Joey: Man, hell of a two weeks, huh? Y'know what, though? I really feel like I learned something.

Chandler: Really? So, you're gonna stick with this 'it's all for her' thing?

Joey: What, are you crazy? When a blind man gets his sight back, does he walk around like this? (Joey closes his eyes and walks around with arms spread.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is having drinks with her date, Carl.]

Carl: I'm just sayin', if I see one more picture of Ed Begley, Jr. in that stupid electric car, I'm gonna shoot myself! I mean, don't get me wrong... I'm not against environmental issues per se.... it's just that guy!

(Rachel looks bored. At this point, Ross梐 figment of Rachel's imagination?shows up on the balcony and starts talking to her.)

Ross: I can't believe you'd rather go out with him than me.

Rachel: Would you excuse me, please? I'm trying to have a date here.

Ross: Fine, just stop thinking about me.

(She tries, and Ross disappears momentarily. He reappears, standing closer to her.)

Ross: Can't do it, can you?

Rachel: So I'm thinking about you. So what?

Ross: I don't get it. What do you see in this guy, anyway?

Rachel: Well... he happens to be a very nice... guy....

Carl: I mean, come on, buddy, get a real car!

Ross: Rachel, come on. Give us a chance.

Rachel: Ross, it's too hard.

Ross: No, no, no... why, because it might get weird for everyone else? Who cares about them. This is about us. Look, I-I've been in love with you since, like, the ninth grade. 

Rachel: Ross, you're like my best friend.

Ross: I know.

Rachel: If we broke up, and I lost you...

Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What makes you think we're gonna break up?

Rachel: Well, have you been involved with someone where you haven't broken up?

Ross: (pause) No. But... it only has to happen once. Look, you and I both know we are perfect for each other, right? I mean... so, the only question is... are you attracted to me?

Rachel: I don't know... I mean, I've never looked at you that way before.

Ross: Well, start looking. 

(They kiss. Ross walks away, and then fades out.)

Rachel: Wow.

Carl: Exactly! And you just know I'm gonna be the guy caught behind this hammerhead in traffic!

Rachel: Right! You're right!

Carl: Heh... y'know?

Rachel: You know what?

Carl: What?

Rachel: I forgot... I am supposed to pick up a friend at the airport. I am so sorry! I'm so... if you want to stay, and finish your drinks, please do.... (gives him her drink) I mean桰'm sorry. I-I-I gotta go. I'm sorry. 

(Rachel leaves.)

Carl: But...

[Scene: Airport. Madonna's Take A Bow plays in the background as Rachel waits at the gate with flowers.]

Rachel: (sifting through crowd) Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me, excuse me, sorry. Hi.

[Cut to the jetway, the old man who the flight attendant delivered Rachel's message to gets off the plane, his wife still upset with him.]

Man: For God's sake, will you let it go? There's no Rachel!

(A Chinese woman getting off the plane drops one of her bags. Ross gets off next.)

Ross: Oh, hey, hey, I got that.

(Ross picks up the bag... then he and the woman kiss.)

Julie: Oh, thanks, sweetie.

Ross: No problem. I cannot wait for you to meet my friends.

Julie: Really?

Ross: Yeah. 

Julie: You don't think they'll judge and ridicule me?

Ross: No, no, they will. I just... uh...

Ross and Julie: Can't wait.

Ross: Come on, they're gonna love you.

[Cut to a close-up of Rachel, eagerly awaiting Ross's arrival... not knowing he is getting off the plane with another woman.]

End


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The One With Ross' New Girlfriend

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Written by: Jeff Astroff & Mike Sikowitz
Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips
With Minor Adjustments by: Eric Aasen


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is recapping last season, and as she talks we see a montague of scenes from Ross and Rachel.]

Phoebe: Ok, so this is pretty much what's happened so far. Ross was in love with Rachel since, you know, forever, but every time he tried to tell her, something kind of got in the way, like cats, and Italian guys. Finally Chandler was like "forget about her" but when Ross was in China on his dig, Chandler let it slip that Ross was in love with Rachel. She was like, "Oh my god." So she went to the airport to meet him when he came back, but what she didn't know was, that Ross was getting off the plane with another woman. Uh-Oh! So, that's pretty much everything you need to know. But, enough about us. So, how've you been?

Opening Credits

[Scene, The Airport, continued from last season, Rachel is waiting for Ross to come of the plane, when she sees he's coming off with another woman.]

Rachel: Oh my god. Oh my god. (She decides to make a break for it.) Excuse me. Move! Move! Emergency! Excuse me! (She tries climbing over a bench and falls down.) 

Ross: (seeing her) Rach!

Rachel: Oh, there you are! Hi! Oh, so, so, how was China, you? (Hits him with the flowers.)

Ross: It was, it was great. Oh, what happened?

Rachel: What?

Ross: You're bleeding. 

Rachel: I am? Oh, look at that, yes I am. Enough about me, enough about me, Mr. Back from the Orient. Come on. I wanna hear everything! Everything. (Looks at Julie)

Ross: Well, where do I start? This is Julie. Julie, this is Rachel.

Rachel: These are, these aren't for you. (to Julie) These are for you. (Loudly, thinking she can't speak English.) Welcome to our country.

Julie: (Loudly, proving she can speak English.) Thank you. I'm from New York.

Rachel: Ok, well, not a problem. We'll just use them to stop the bleeding. Ok. Baggage claim? Ok.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is waiting for Rachel to return from the airport with Ross.]

Chandler:  No way!

Monica: I'm telling you, she went to the airport, and she's gonna go for it with Ross! 

Phoebe: Oh my god. This is huge. This is bigger than huge. This is like, all right, what's bigger than huge?

Joey: Um, this?

Phoebe: Yes.

Monica: Guys, you got your hair cut.

Chandler: Yes, yes, we did, thanks to Vidal Buffay.

Phoebe: 'Cause, you know, (in that voice) if you don't look good, we don't look good. I love that voice.

Rachel: (entering, out of breath) Airport, airport. Ross, not alone, Julie, arm around her. Cramp, cramp.

Chandler: Ok, I think she's trying to tell us something. Quick, get the verbs.

(She hits Chandler.)

Rachel: (to Chandler) You, you, you said he liked me. (Ross and Julie enter) You, you slowpokes!

Ross: That's all right, Rach, we got the bags. Hi, hello. Julie, this is my sister Monica. This is Chandler.  Phoebe.  Joey, what up?

Joey: What up?!

Ross: Everyone, this is Julie.

Rachel: (out of breath) Julie.

All: Ohh. (Happily) Hi!

Julie: Hi, but I'm not here, you haven't met me. I'll make a much better first impression tomorrow when I don't have 20 hours of cab and plane on me.

Ross: And bus.

Julie: Oh my god.

Ross:  The screaming guy?

Julie:  And the spitting?

Ross: You gotta hear this story.

Julie: We're on this bus, that's easily 200 years old...

Ross: 200 at least.

Julie:  ...and this guy...

Rachel: And the chicken pooped in her lap. Oh, I'm so sorry. I just gave away the ending, didn't I? Oh! It's just, I just heard this story in the cab, and it is all I can think about.

Monica: This is amazing. I mean, how, how did this happen?

Julie: Well, Ross and I were in grad school together.

Ross: But we haven't seen each other since then. Well I land in China, guess who's in charge of the dig. 

Rachel: Julie! Julie, isn't that great? I mean, isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?

Monica: (to Julie) It's an expression.

Ross: Well, we just wanted to say a quick hi, and then we're gonna go see the baby.

Julie: And then we've gotta get some sleep.

Ross: Yeah, it's really 6:00 tomorrow night our time.

Chandler: Well, listen, don't tell us what's gonna happen though, 'cause I like to be surprised.

(Ross and Julie exit)

Rachel: Bye. (She closes the door and everyone tries to sympathize with her.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler enter.]

Ross: Hey, Rach, can I get some coffee?

Rachel: Yeah, sure.

Ross: Thank you.

Chandler: Hey, Rach, can I get...

Rachel: Did you talk to him?

Chandler: Not yet.

Rachel: Then, no.

(He goes to sit down next to Ross.)

Chandler: So what the hell happened to you in China? I mean, when last we left you, you were totally in love with, you know.

Ross: I know, I know I was, but there was always this little voice inside that kept saying it's never gonna happen, move on. You know whose voice that was?

Chandler: God?

Ross: It was you, pal.

Chandler: Well, maybe it was God, doing me.

Ross: Look, you were right. She looks at me and sees a friend, that's all. But then I met Julie, and I don't know, we're havin' a great time. And I have to say, I never would've gone for it with her if it hadn't been for you.

Chandler: Well, you owe me one, big guy.

Rachel: (To Ross) Here's your lemonade.

Ross: I didn't order lemonade.

Rachel: Oh. Well then, you better go take that back because they're gonna charge you for that. 

Ross: But...

Rachel: Go-go-go-go, come on! (Ross goes over to the counte) (to Chandler) So uh, what did you find out?

Chandler: He said...he said, he said that they're having a great time. I'm sorry. But, the silver lining, if you wanna see it, is that he made the decision all by himself!  Without any outside help whatsoever.

Rachel: How is that the silver lining?

Chandler: You have to really wanna see it.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and the gang is watching Sumo wrestling on TV.]

Ross: Ironically, these are the guys who were picked last in gym.

[Cut to Phoebe and Monica in the kitchen.]

Monica: Pheebes, you know what I'm thinking?

Phoebe: Oh, ok. How, it's been so long since you've had sex, you're wondering if they've changed it?

Monica: No, although now that's what I'm thinking.

Phoebe: All right, so what were you thinking?

Monica: Well, I was thinking, that you gave the guys such great haircuts, I thought, maybe you'd like to do mine?

Phoebe: Ohh! No.

Monica: Why not?

Phoebe: Because, I'm just, I'm incredibly anal and an unbelievable control freak.

Monica: No you're not.

Phoebe: I know I'm not, but you are, and I was trying to spare your feelings.

(The phone rings.)

Joey: (answering the phone) Hello? Oh, hi. Yeah, hold on a second. Ross, it's Julie, for you. (Throws him the phone.)

Ross: (on phone) Hello? Hi.

Chandler: (entering) Hi. Anybody know a good tailor?

Joey: Needs some clothes altered?

Chandler: No, no, I'm just looking for a man to draw on me with chalk.

Joey: Why don't you go see Frankie? My family's been goin' to him forever. He did my first suit when I was 15. No wait, 16. No, 'scuse me, 15. (still confused) All right, when was 1990?

Chandler: Okay.  You have to stop the Q-tip when there's resistance!

Ross: (on phone) Ok, ok, sweetheart, I'll see you later. Ok, bye. What? (Sits down next to Rachel) Oh, that is so sweet. No, no, ok, you hang up. Ok, ok, one, two, three. (Doesn't hang up and motions for Rachel to be quiet) Well you didn't hang up either. 

Rachel: She didn't hang up either!

Ross: Ok, no, no, you hang up. You, you, y...

Rachel: (taking the phone and hanging it up) Sorry, I thought you were talking to me.

Ross: Rachel! I'll just call her back. 

Rachel: Okay!

Ross: (calls Julie back) Hi?  Sorry, we got disconnected... (Walks away.)

Rachel: (to Monica) Ok, ok, ok. How did this happen to me? How did this happen to me? A week ago, two weeks ago, I was fine. Ross was just Ross, just this guy. Now he's Rrrooossss, oh, this really great guy that I can't have.

Monica: Sweetie, I wanted you to have him too.

Rachel: I know you did. I'm just gonna deal with it, I'm just gonna deal with it. (Ross comes by, smoching with Julie on the phone.) I gotta get out of here. (Exits)

Chandler: Ok, I don't care what you guys say, something's bothering her.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning.]

Joey: (to Chandler) You know, I think I was sixteen.

Monica: (to Phoebe) Please, just a little bit off the back.

Phoebe: I'm still on "no."

Rachel: (poking her head in from her bedroom) Uh, morning. Do you guys think you could close your eyes for just a sec?

Joey: No-no-no-no-no, (grabs his pants) I'm not fallin' for that again.

Phoebe: What's goin' on?

Rachel: Well, I sorta did a stupid thing last night.

Chandler: What stupid thing did you do?

Paulo: (entering from Rachel's room) Bon giorno tutti!

Phoebe: Ewww! (Gets up and walks away.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]

Rachel: Ok, Paulo, why don't you just go get dressed, and then you be on your way, ok, bye-bye. (Paulo goes into his room.)

Monica: Rachel, how did this happen?

Rachel: I don't know, I just kinda ran into him last night.

Phoebe: Where?

Rachel: At his apartment. Is this juice?

Joey: Whoa, whoa. And the fact that you dumped him because he hit on Phoebe?

Rachel: Oh God, I know I'm a pathetic loser.

Monica: Honey, you're not pathetic, you're sad.

Chandler: People do stupid things when they're upset.

Monica: My god, if I had a nickel for every guy I wish I hadn't...(Everyone looks at her), but this is about your horrible mistake.

(Ross and Julie enter.)

All: Hi!

Ross: Hi. Sorry we're late but we were梬ell, there was touching.

Paulo: (entering) Hey, hey Ross.

Ross: Hey, Paulo. What are you doing here?

Paulo: I do Raquel.

Ross: (to Rachel) So, uh, he's back.

Rachel: Yeah, he's back. Is that a problem?

Ross: No, not a problem.

Rachel: Good! I'm glad it's not a problem.

Phoebe: (to Paulo) Ok, you're gonna have to not touch my ass.

Chandler: Well, in spite of the yummy bagels and palpable tension, I've got pants that need to be altered.

Joey: Hey, Chandler, when you see Frankie, tell him Joey Tribbiani says hello. He'll know what it means.

Chandler: Are you sure he's gonna be able to crack that code?

Monica: (to Phoebe) You know it's funny, the last time Paulo was here, my hair was so much shorter and cuter.

Phoebe: All right. Ok, but, but!  You have to promise that you will not be all like control-y and bossy and Monica about it.

Monica: I promise.

Phoebe: All right. (Talking to Monica's hair.) Now some of you are gonna get cut, and some of you aren't. But I promise none of you are gonna feel a thing.

[Scene: Monica's bedroom, Phoebe is finishing with her haircut and Monica is whincing.]

Phoebe: All right, that's it, I quit.

Monica: What? I didn't say anything.

Phoebe: Yeah, but this (makes Monica's face) isn't the face of a person who trusts a person. Ok, this (makes Monica's face) is the face of a person who, you know, doesn't trust a person.

Monica: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Phoebe. It's just a little shorter than what we had discussed.

Phoebe: Would you relax? I know what I am doing. This is how he wears it.

Monica: How who wears it?

Phoebe: Demi Moore.

Monica: Demi Moore is not a he.

Phoebe: Well, he was a he in Arthur, and in Ten.

Monica: That's Dudley Moore. I said I wanted it like Demi Moore.

Phoebe: Oh.  Oh!

Monica: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Oh my God!

Monica: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Oh my God! I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Which one's Demi Moore?

Monica: She's the actress that was in Disclosure, Indecent Proposal, Ghost!

Phoebe: Oh, she's got gorgeous hair.

Monica: I know!

[Scene: Frank's tailor shop, Chandler is getting his pants measured.]

Frankie: How long do you want the cuffs?

Chandler: At least as long as I have the pants.

(Pause as Frankie resumes his work.)

Frankie: I just got that. Ok, now we'll do your inseam.

(He slowly measures it up his leg, and Chandler makes a rather surprised face.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is recovering from her haircut, Phoebe is playing her doctor and is coming in from the bedroom.]

Rachel: How is she?

Phoebe: It's too soon to tell. She's resting, which is a good sign.

Ross: How's the hair?

Phoebe: I'm not gonna lie to you, Ross, it doesn't look good. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling.

Joey: Can we see her?

Phoebe: Your hair looks too good, I think it would upset her. Ross, why don't you come on in. 

Ross:  Yeah. (Gets up, but then pauses when he realizes what that meant.)

(They go into the bedroom leaving Joey and Rachel alone.)

Joey: How're you doing?

Rachel: I'm okay.

Joey: Ooh, that bad, huh? 

Rachel: What?

Joey: Look, I can sense when women are depressed and vulnerable. It's one of my gifts.

Rachel: When I saw him get off that plane with her, I really thought I hit rock bottom. But today, it's like there's rock bottom, 50 feet of crap, then me.

Joey: You gotta tell Ross how you feel.

Rachel: Come on. How can I just tell him? What about Julie?

Joey: What about her? They've only been going out for two weeks. Ross has been in love with you for like 10 years.

Rachel: I don't know, I don't know.

Joey: Look, Rach, Rach! I've been with my share of women. In fact, I've been with like a lot of people's share of women. The point is, I've never felt about anyone the way Ross felt about you.

Chandler: (entering, angry) Yo, paisan! Can I talk to you for a sec? (Pause) Your tailor is a very bad man!

Joey: Frankie? What're you talking about?

Ross: (entering from the bedroom) Hey, what's goin' on? (Pats Chandler on the shoulder which causes him to jump.)

Chandler: Joey's tailor...took advantage of me.

Ross: What?

Joey: No way. I've been going to the guy for 12 years.

Chandler: Oh come on! He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was definite...

Ross: What?

Chandler: Cupping.

Joey: That's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear. (Chandler and Ross stare at him) What? Ross, Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants?

Ross: Yes, yes it is. In prison! Whatsa matter with you?

Joey: What? That's not? (Realizes) Oh my God.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later that day.  Monica is now out and about.]

Monica: Even Mary Tyler Moore would've been better.

Ross: I like it. I do, I think it's a Ten. (Chandler laughs.)

Monica: Thank you. My hair is very amused.

Chandler: Come on, Monica, things could be worse. You could get caught between the moon and New York City. I know it's crazy, but it's true.

Phoebe: (to Chandler and Ross) Thank you.

Ross: Well, I gotta go. Bye. Bye, Rach.

Rachel: (sticking her head in from the balcony) Wait, are you leaving?

Ross: Yeah, that's kinda what I meant by "bye!"

Rachel: Well, can I talk to you for a sec? 

Ross: Okay. (goes out onto the balcony)

Joey: Hey, when the doctor does that hernia test...

Chandler: That's ok.

[Out on the balcony]

Ross: What's goin' on?

Rachel: Well, first of all, Paulo and I are not back together. It was just a stupid thing I did, and if I could go back in time and do it again, well, I wouldn't. Um, second of all (Ross is laughing), what?

Ross: Ok. Well, before I say anything, I just need to know, is this one of those things where you break up with a guy, and then I tell you what I think, and then the next day you get back together with the guy, and I look like a complete idiot?

Rachel: No. No-no-no-no.

Ross: Well, then, I think, I think the guy is scum. I hate him. I mean I actually桰-I physically hate him. I always have. You are way too good to be with a guy like that. 

Rachel: Really?

Ross: You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you, and who gets how funny and sweet and amazing, and adorable, and sexy you are, you know? Someone who wakes up every morning thinking "Oh my god, I'm with Rachel". You know, someone who makes you feel good, the way I am with Julie. (Rachel has moved closer, but hearing that she starts to back up.) Was there a second of all?

Rachel: No, I think that was the whole all.

Ross: Okay.  Okay. (They hug.) Okay.

[Cut back inside, Joey is on the phone.]

Joey: I swear to god, Dad. That's not how they measure pants.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Julie is wanting to get her hair cut from Phoebe.]

Julie: I was thinking of doing it a little shorter, you know, like Andie McDowell's new haircut?

Phoebe: Oh yeah!  Oh, I can do that.

Julie: Really?

Phoebe: You wanna do it right now?

Julie: Great! (Julie leaves)

Phoebe: (to Rachel) Ok, I just wanna be really sure this time. Andie McDowell's the girl from Four Weddings and a Funeral, right?

Rachel: No. No no no no no. That's Rodney McDowell. Andie McDowell is the guy from Planet of the Apes.

Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Ok, thank you.

Rachel: You're welcome.

End


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The One With the Breast Milk

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Written by: Adam Chase & Ira Ungerleider
Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips
With Minor Adjustments by: Eric Aasen


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan are showing off Ben to the gang.]

Monica: (entering from her bedroom carrying a present) Ok, these were unbelievably expensive, and I know he's gonna grow out of them in like, 20 minutes, but I couldn't resist. (There a little pair of Nike shoes.)

Phoebe: Oh, look at these! Hey, Ben. Just do it. (Ben starts to cry) Oh my God, oh, ok, was that too much pressure for him?

Susan: Oh, is he hungry already?

Carol: I guess so. (Carol starts to breast feed Ben.)

Chandler: You know, it's... (sees the feeding taking place next to him) something funny about sneakers. I'll be right back. (Goes into the kitchen)

Joey: (joins him) I gotta get one, too.

Ross: (following them into the kitchen) What are you guys doing?

Chandler: We're just hanging out by the spoons. Ladle?

Ross: Look, would you guys grow up? That is the most natural beautiful thing in the world.

Joey: Yeah, we know, but there's a baby suckin' on it.

Ross: This is my son having lunch, ok? It's gonna happen a lot, so you'd better get used to it. Now if you have any problem with it, if you're uncomfortable, just ask questions. Carol's fine with it, now come on.

(They go back into the living room)

Ross: Carol?

Chandler: Carol? I was just wondering if Joey could ask you a question about breast-feeding?

Carol: Sure.

Joey: Uh, does it hurt?

Carol: It did at first, but not anymore.

Joey: Chandler?

Chandler: So, uh, how often can you do it?

Carol: As much as he needs.

Joey: Ok, I got one, I got one. Uh, if he blows into one, does the other one get bigger?

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, the gang is all there.]

Julie: Rachel, do you have any muffins left?

Rachel: Yeah, I forget which ones.

Julie: Oh, you're busy, that's ok, I'll get it. Anybody else want one? 

All: No thanks.

Julie: (To Rachel) Oh, you're losin' your apron here, let me get it. There you go. (Ties it back up for her)

Rachel: (to Julie) Thank you. (under her breath to Chandler) What a bitch.

Julie: Oh, listen you guys. I have this friend at Bloomingdale's who's quitting tomorrow and he wants to abuse his discount. So, anyone want to come with me and take advantage of it?

Phoebe: I can't, I have to take my grandmother to the vet.

Monica: Ok, um, I'll go with you. 

Julie: Great.

Ross: (enters) Hi, honey.

Chandler: Hey, sweetums.

Ross: Hello to the rest.

All:  Hi!

Joey: Monica what're you doin'? You can't go shopping with her? What about Rachel?

Monica: It's gonna be a problem, isn't it?

Chandler: Come on, you're going to Bloomingdale's with Julie? That's like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship.

Monica: But I'm...

Phoebe: Monica, she will kill you. She will kill you like a dog in the street.

Ross: (to Monica) So, uh, Jules tells me you guys are going shopping tomorrow?

Monica: Yeah, uh, it's actually not that big a deal.

Ross: It's a big deal to me. This is great, Monica. I really appreciate this.

Monica: You're welcome.

Phoebe: Woof, woof. 

[Scene: A Department Store, Joey is selling men's cologne.]

Joey: (A guy walks by) Bijan for men? (Another guy walks by) Bijan for men? (Another guy walks by) Bijan for men? (An attractive woman walks by.) Hey Annabelle.

Annabelle: Hey, Joey. So did you hear about the new guy?

Joey: Who?

Annabelle: Nobody knows his name. Me and the girls just call him the Hombre man.

(The Hombre man enters.)

Hombre Man: (to a customer) Hombre? (The guy says yes, and gets his sample.)

Joey: What's he doin' in my section?

Annabelle: I guess he doesn't know.

Joey: Well, he's gonna. I'll see you a little later, ok? (To the Hombre Man) Hey, how ya doin'?

Hombre Man: Mornin'. 

Joey: Listen, I know you're new, but it's kinda understood that everything from Young Men's to the escalator is my territory.

Hombre Man: Your territory, huh?

Joey: Yeah. Bijan for men?

Guy: No thanks.

Hombre Man: Hombre?

Guy: Yeah. All right. (They guy gets his sample and leaves.)

Hombre Man: (To Joey) You were saying?

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Monica enters.]

Monica: Phoebe, listen. You were with me, and we were shopping all day.

Phoebe: What?

Monica: We were shopping, and we had lunch.

Phoebe: Oh, all right. What did I have?

Monica: You had a salad.

Phoebe: Oh, no wonder I don't feel full.

Rachel: (entering) Hey, guys, what's up.

Phoebe: I went shopping with Monica all day, and I had a salad.

Rachel: Good, Pheebs. What'd you buy?

Phoebe: Um, we went shopping for um, for, fur.

Rachel: You went shopping for fur?

Phoebe: Yes, and then I realized I'm against that, and uh, so then we bought some, (sees Monica pointing at her chest) uh, boobs.

Rachel: You bought boobs?

Phoebe: (Monica is yanking on her bra strap) Bras! We bought bras! We bought bras. 

[Scene: The Department Store, Joey is trying to sell some cologne.]

Joey: (to a guy) Bijan for men? (to a guy) Bijan for men? (To a woman) Bijan for... (Sees it's a woman and stops.) (To Annabelle who walks up.) Hey, Annabelle, Uh, listen, I was wondering if maybe after work you and I could go maybe grab a cup of coffee.

Annabelle: Oh, actually I sorta have plans.

Hombre Man: (entering) Ready, Annabelle?

Annabelle: You bet. (to Joey) Maybe some other time?

Joey: (To a co-worker) Hey, it's not the first time I lost a girl to a cowboy spraying cologne. (A customer walks by.) Bijan for men? (The customer ignores him, and Joey starts to chase him) Bijan for men?! 

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol is dropping Ben off for Ross to watch.]

Carol: Ok, and this is Funny Clown. Funny Clown is only for after his naps, not before his naps or he won't sleep.

Ross: Carol, we've been through this before, ok? We have a good time. We laugh, we play. It's like we're father and son.

Susan: Honey, relax. Ross is great with him. (Ross looks at her.) Don't look so surprised. I'm a lovely person.

Rachel: Oh, this is so cute.

Susan: Oh, I got that for him.

Ross: My mommies love me. That's clever.

Monica: Hello? Oh, Hi, Ju?Sees Rachel is watching)桯i, Jew! (Walks into the kitchen.) (Listens.) Uh huh? (Listens.) Uh huh? (Listens) Ok. (Listens) Um, sure, that'd be great. See ya then. Bye. (Hangs up.)

Rachel: Did you just say Hi, Jew?

Monica: Yes. Uh, yes, I did. That was my friend, Eddie Moskowitz. Yeah, he likes it. Reaffirms his faith.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Rachel, and Joey are eating, and Phoebe is preparing Ben's milk.]

Phoebe: Ben, dinner!

Ross: Thanks Aunt Pheebs. Hey, you didn't microwave that, did you, because it's breast milk, and you're not supposed to do that.

Phoebe: Duh, I think I know how to heat breast milk. Ok. (Squirts some on her wrist and tastes it.)

Chandler: What did you just do?

Phoebe: I licked my arm, what?

Ross: It's breast milk.

Phoebe: So?

Rachel: Phoebe, that is juice, squeezed from a person.

Joey: What is the big deal? (Tastes the breast milk.)

Chandler: What did you just do?

Ross: Ok, would people stop drinking the breast milk?

Phoebe: You won't even taste it?

Ross: No!

Phoebe: Not even if you just pretend that it's milk?

Ross: Not even if Carol's breast had a picture of a missing child on it.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, time lapse.  Rachel is entering the living room from her bedroom as Monica enters.]

Monica: Hey, where is everybody?

Rachel: They took Ben to the park. Where've you been?

Monica: Just out. Had some lunch, just me, little quality time with me. Thanks for your jacket.

Rachel: Oh, no problem. You can borrow it, by the way. (Puts her hand in the pocket) Here are your keys, hon. (She takes the keys out, sets them on the counter, and notices she also grabbed a receipt.)

Monica: Okay.

Rachel: Mon, if uh you were at lunch alone, how come it cost you uh 53 dollars?

Monica: You know what probably happened? Someone musta stolen my credit card.

Rachel: And sorta just put the receipt back in your pocket?

Monica: That is an excellent excellent question. That is excellent.

Rachel: Monica, what is with you? Who'd you have lunch with?

Monica: Judy.

Rachel: Who?

Monica: Julie.

Rachel: What?!

Monica: Jody!

Rachel: You were with Julie?

Monica: Look, when it started I was just trying to be nice to her because she was my brother's girlfriend. And then, one thing led to another and, before I knew it, we were...shopping.

Rachel: Oh. Oh my God. 

Monica: Honey, wait. We only did it once. It didn't mean anything to me.

Rachel: Yeah, right.  Sure!

Monica: Really, Rachel, I was thinking of you the whole time. Look, I'm sorry, all right. I never meant for you to find out!

Rachel: Oh, please, you wanted to get caught. (Waves the receipt)

Monica: That is not true!

Rachel: Oh, so you just sort of happened to leave it in here?

Monica: Did it ever occur to you that I might just be that stupid?

Rachel: Ok, Monica. I just have to know one thing. Did you go with her to Bloomingdale's? (Monica looks away.) Oh! Ok, ok, ok, I just really, uh, I just really need to not be with you right now. (Exits.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ben is playing in his crib while Chandler and Ross are leaning against the rim and are completely asleep.]

Monica: (on the phone) Hi, who's this? (Listens) Hi, Joanne. Is Rachel working? It's Monica. (Listens) Yes, I know I did a horrible thing. (Listens) Joanne, it's not as simple as all that, ok? (Listens) No, I don't care what Steve thinks. (Listens) Hi, Steve.

(There's a knock on the door which is answered by Phoebe.)

Carol and Susan: Hey! (This wakes Chandler and Ross up)

Carol: How did we do?

Phoebe: Oh, I tasted Ben's milk, and Ross freaked out.

Ross: I did not freak out. 

Carol: Why'd you freak out?

Ross: Because it's breast milk. It's gross.

Carol: My breast milk is gross?

Susan: This should be fun.

Ross: No, no, Carol. There's nothing wrong with it. I just, I just don't think breast milk is for adults.

Chandler: Of course the packaging does appeal to grown-ups and kids alike.

Carol: Ross, you're being silly. I've tried it, it's no big deal. Just taste it. (Holding out a bottle.)

Ross: (jumping away) That would be no.

Phoebe: Come on. It doesn't taste bad.

Joey: Yeah, it's kinda sweet, sorta like, uh...

Susan: Cantaloupe juice.

Joey: Exactly.

Ross: (staring at Susan) You've tasted it? You've tasted it.

Susan: Uh huh.

Ross: Oh, you've tasted it.

Susan: You can keep saying it, but it won't stop being true.

Ross: (he rolls up his sleeve) Gimme the bottle. (Joey hands him the bottle and Ross squirts some on his arm.) Gimme the towel. (Joey gives him the towel and he wipes it off.) 

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is wiping down the peninsula counter as Joey enters dressed like a cowboy.]

Chandler: Howdy.

Joey: (sitting on the otherside of the counter from Chandler) Gimme a box a juice. Well, they switched me over to Hombre.

Chandler: Well, maybe it's because of the way you're dressed.

Joey: Or maybe it's because this guy's doing so good they wanna put more people on it. (Chandler pours some juice in a glass.) You should see this guy, Chandler, he goes through two bottles a day.

Chandler: (slides the juice across the counter which Joey catches) What do you care? You're an actor. This is your day job. This isn't supposed to mean anything to you.

Joey: I know, but, I was the best, you know? I liked being the best. (He downs the glass of juice in one swig.) I don't know. Maybe I should just get outta the game. They need guys up in housewares to serve cheese.

Chandler: (pours more and slides the refill to Joey) All right, say you do that. You know sooner or later somebody's gonna come along that slices a better cheddar. And then where're you gonna run?

Joey: Yeah I guess you're right.

Chandler: You're damn right I'm right. I say you show this guy what you're made of. I say you stand your ground. I say you show him that you are the baddest hombre west of the lingerie.

Joey: I'm gonna do it. (He downs the juice in one swig again.)

Chandler: All right. Now go see Miss Kitty and she'll fix you up with a nice hooker.

[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Rachel is cleaning up and Monica is pleading with her.]

Monica: I don't know what else to say.

Rachel: Well that works out good, because I'm not listening.

Monica: I feel terrible, I really do.

Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry, did my back hurt your knife?

Monica: Rachel, (they go back inside) say that I'm friends with her, we spend some time together. Is that so terrible?

Rachel: Yes.

Monica: It's that terrible?

Rachel: Yes. Monica, you don't get it. It's bad enough that she's stolen the guy who might actually be the person that I am supposed to be with, but now, she's actually (starting to cry), but now she's actually stealing you.

Monica: Me? What are you talking about? Nobody could steal me from you. I mean, just because I'm friends with her doesn't make me any less friends with you. I mean, (starting to cry) you're my...We're, we're...Oh, I love you.

Rachel: I love you too. (They hug.)

Phoebe: You guys, um I know that this really doesn't have anything to do with me, but um I love you guys too. (Joins in on the hug.) Oh, I really needed that. (Goes and sits down.)

Monica: Look, I know that you're in a place right now where you really need to hate Julie's guts, but she didn't do anything wrong. I mean, she was just a girl who met a guy, and now they go out. I really think that if you gave her a chance, you'd like her. Would you just give that a chance, for me?

Rachel: (crying) I'd do anything for you, you know that.

Monica: (crying) I'd do anything for you. (They hug again.)

Phoebe: Wait, wait, wait, wait! (Runs over and joins in on the hug again.)

[Scene: The Department Store, Joey and the Hombre man are facing off in Joey's section.]

Joey: Mornin'. (The Hombre man ignores him) I said, mornin'.

Hombre Man: I heard ya.

Store Guy: All right, everybody, I'm openin' the doors. You boys ready?

Hombre Man: Ready.

Joey: Yeah, I'm ready.

(An old West style showdown starts with Joey and the Hombre Man staring each other down as the store guy slowly lets in the first customer while Joey and the Hombre Man get ready to draw.  In slow motion they spot the customer, eye each other, draw, and as the customer walks into the middle Joey's bottle misfires but the Hombre Man spays it into the customer's eyes.)

Customer: You idiot, you stupid cowboy, you blinded me, I'm suing!

Store Guy: Oh my god, Todd! What the hell did you do?

Hombre Man: I'm sorry. I am such a doofus. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

Annabelle: (seeing the end result) My god, what happened?

Joey: These new kids, they never last. Sooner or later, they all...stop lastin'. Listen, uh, what do you say I buy you that cup of coffee now?

Annabelle: Sure.

(They walk off into the sunset, at least a picture of one.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Julie and Rachel are sitting on the couch.]

Julie: So.

Rachel: So. I just thought the two of us should hang out for a bit. I mean, you know, we've never really talked. I guess you'd know that, being one of the two of us, though, right?

Julie: I know, I probably shouldn't even tell you this, but I'm pretty much totally intimidated by you.

Rachel: Really? Me?

Julie: Yes. Oh my god, are you kidding? Ross is so crazy about you, and I really wanted you to like me, and, it's probably me being totally paranoid, but I kinda got the feeling that maybe you don't.

Rachel: Well, you're not totally paranoid.

Julie: Oy.

Rachel: Um, ok, uh, oh god, um, when you and uh Ross first started going out, it was really hard for me, um, for many reasons, which I'm not gonna bore you with now, but um, I just, I see how happy he is, you know, and how good you guys are together, and um, Monica's always saying how nice you are, and god I hate it when she's right.

Julie: Thanks. Hey, listen, would you like to go to a movie sometime or something?

Rachel: Yeah, that'd be great. I'd love it.

Julie: I'd love it too. Shoot, I gotta go. So, I'll talk to you later.

Rachel: All right, Julie.

Julie: Bye. (Gets up.)

Rachel: Bye. (After Julie exits.) What a manipulative bitch.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, another showdown is occuring, only this time its between Ross, a plate of cookies, and the breast milk.  They've been eyeing each other for a while now, and Chandler and Joey are getting bored.  He checks his Ross and in frustration, shoves his watch in front of Ross's eyes as if saying, "Hurry it up already!"  Finally, Ross scratches his head, does that again, itches his nose, scratches his head, grabs the bottle, takes a big swig, and piles several cookies into his mouth.]

Ross: (with a mouthful) That's not bad. 

End


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The One Where Mr. Heckles Dies

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Written by: Michael Curtis & Greg Malins
Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips 
With Minor Adjustments by: Eric Aasen


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Scene: Monica and Rachel抯, everyone except Chandler is playing poker.]

Chandler: (entering) Hey.

All: Hey!

Monica: So how was Joan?

Chandler: I broke up with her. 

Ross: Don抰 tell me, because of the big nostril thing?

Chandler: They were huge. When she sneezed, bats flew out of them.

Rachel: Come on, they were not that huge.

Chandler: I'm tellin' you, she leaned back; I could see her brain.

Monica: How many perfectly fine women are you gonna reject over the most superficial insignificant things?

Joey: Hold it, hold it. I gotta side with Chandler on this one. When I first moved to the city, I went out a couple of times with this girl, really hot, great kisser, but she had the biggest Adam's apple. It made me nuts.

Chandler: (To Ross) You or me?

Ross: I got it. Uh, Joey, women don't have Adam's apples.

Joey: You guys are messing with me, right?

All: Yeah.

Joey: That was a good one. For a second there, I was like, "whoa."

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel抯, Phoebe is getting Ross and Chandler a beer.]

Phoebe: You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason.

Chandler: Maureen Rosilla.

Ross: "扖ause she doesn抰 hate Yanni," is not a real reason.

(There抯 a knock on the door.)

Monica: (opening the door) Hello, Mr. Heckles.

Mr. Heckles: You're doing it again.

Monica: We're not doing anything.

Mr. Heckles: You're stomping. It's disturbing my birds.

Rachel: You don't have birds.

Mr. Heckles: I could have birds.

Monica: Okay, Mr. Heckles, we'll try to keep it down.

Mr. Heckles: Thank you. I'm going to rejoin my dinner party.

Rachel: All right, bye-bye.

(Monica closes the door.)

Chandler: Okay, Janice. Janice. You gotta give me Janice. That wasn't about being picky.

Ross: We'll give you Janice.

Phoebe: I miss Janice though. (Imitating Janice) "Hello, Chandler Bing."

Rachel: (doing Janice) "Oh, my, god."

Joey: (doing Janice) "Oh, Chandler, now, now, that's it. There, faster!" (He turns around and everyone is staring at him.)

(Mr. Heckles bangs on his ceiling.) 

Monica: Stop with the broom, we're not making noise.

(She stomps in protest. Heckles bangs again, which is answered by Monica and Rachel. Heckles bangs yet again, which is answered by everyone. There is no response.)

Rachel: We won. We won!

[Cut to a man wrapped up on a sheet being wheeled out on a gurney with the gang and Mr. Treeger looking on.]

Monica: Mr. Heckles.

Rachel: How did this happen?

Mr. Treeger: He musta been sweeping. They found a broom in his hand.

Monica: That's terrible.

Mr. Treeger: I know. I was sweeping yesterday. It coulda been me.

Ross: Sure, you coulda. You never know.

Mr. Treeger: You never know.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel抯, the next day everyone is eating dinner.]

Phoebe: Ok, it's very faint, but I can still sense him in the building. (Screaming) Go into the light, Mr. Heckles!

Chandler: Ok, Phoebe.

Phoebe: I'm sorry, but sometimes they need help. (Everyone groans) That's fine. Go ahead and scoff. You know there're a lot of things that I don't believe in, but that doesn't mean they're not true.

Joey: Such as?

Phoebe: Like crop circles, or the Bermuda triangle, or evolution?

Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What, you don't, uh, you don't believe in evolution?

Phoebe: Nah. Not really.

Ross: You don't believe in evolution?

Phoebe: I don't know, it's just, you know...monkeys, Darwin, you know, it's a, it's a nice story, I just think it's a little too easy.

Ross: Too easy? Too...The process of every living thing on this planet evolving over millions of years from single-celled organisms, is-is too easy?

Phoebe: Yeah, I just don't buy it.

Ross: Uh, excuse me. Evolution is not for you to buy, Phoebe. Evolution is scientific fact, like, like, like the air we breathe, like gravity.

Phoebe: Ok, don't get me started on gravity.

Ross: You uh, you don't believe in gravity?

Phoebe: Well, it's not so much that you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just...I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.

(There抯 a knock on the door.)

Chandler: Uh-Oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed.

(Monica opens the door.)

Mr. Treeger: There she is. And over there, that's the other one. This is Mr. Buddy Boyle, Mr. Heckles' attorney. He'd like to talk to you.

Monica: What can we do for you?

Mr. Boyle: All right, kids. Here's the deal. According to my client's will, he wants to leave all his earthly possessions to "The noisy girls in the apartment above mine."

Monica: Well, what about his family?

Mr. Boyle: He didn't have any.

Rachel: Ok, so let's talk money.

Mr. Boyle: All right, there was none. Let's talk signing. (To Monica) You be noisy girl number one, (To Rachel) you be noisy girl number two.

Monica: I can't believe that this whole time we thought he hated us. I mean, isn't it amazing how much you can touch someone's life, without even knowing it?

[Scene: Mr. Heckles?apartment, the gang is looking over Monica and Rachel抯 inheritance.]

Monica: Would you look at this dump? He hated us. This is his final revenge!

Rachel: Have you ever seen so much crap?

Chandler: Actually, I think this apartment sullies the good name of crap

Joey: Check this out. Can I have this? (It抯 a giant magnifying glass on a stand.)

[Cut to Phoebe and Ross.]

Ross: How can you not believe in evolution?

Phoebe: Just don't. Look at this funky shirt!

Ross: Pheebs, I have studied evolution my entire adult life. Ok, I can tell you, we have collected fossils from all over the world that actually show the evolution of different species, ok? You can literally see them evolving through time.

Phoebe: Really? You can actually see it?

Ross: You bet. In the U.S., China, Africa, all over.

Phoebe: See, I didn't know that.

Ross: Well, there you go.

Phoebe: Huh. So now, the real question is, who put those fossils there, and why?

Chandler: (holding a book) Hey, look at this. "My Big Book of Grievances."

Joey: Hey, there's me! April 17th. Excessive noise. Italian guy comes homes with a date. Hey Chandler, look, you're in here too.

Chandler: April 18th, excessive noise. Italian guy's gay roommate comes home with the dry-cleaning. Well that's excellent.

Rachel: Monica, Monica, look at this lamp. (She抯 holding a lamp made from seashells.) Is this tacky or what? We have to have this.

Monica: Rache, I think we have enough regular lamps.

Rachel: What? Come on, it's not like I'm asking for this girlie clock or anything, which, by the way, I also think is very cool. (It抯 a girl in a bikini and pasties standing behind an alarm clock.)

Monica: It doesn't go with any of my stuff.

Rachel: Well, what about my stuff?

Monica: You don't have any stuff.

Rachel: You still think of it as your apartment, don't you?

Monica: No.

Rachel: Yes you do. You think of it as your apartment, and I'm just somebody who rents a room.

Monica: Mmmmm.

Rachel: Ok, while you "mmm" on it for awhile, I'm gonna go find a place for my new lamp.

Ross: Ok, Pheebs. (He抯 holding two little toys.) See how I'm making these little toys move? Opposable thumbs. Without evolution, how do you explain opposable thumbs?

Phoebe: Maybe the overlords needed them to steer their spacecrafts.

Ross: Please tell me you're joking.

Phoebe: Look, can't we just say that you believe in something, and I don't.

Ross: No, no, Pheebs, we can't, ok, because?

Phoebe: What is this obsessive need you have to make everyone agree with you? No, what's that all about? I think, I think maybe it's time you put Ross under the microscope.

Ross: (To Chandler) Is there blood coming out of my ears?

Joey: Check it out, check it out. Heckles' high school yearbook.

Chandler: Wow, he looks so normal.

Phoebe: He's even kind of cute.

Joey: "Heckles, you crack me up in science class. You're the funniest kid in school."

Chandler: Funniest? Heckles? 

Joey: That's what it says.

Chandler: Wow, Heckles was voted class clown, and so was I. (There抯 a banging coming from upstairs.) He was right. Would you listen to that?

Phoebe: I'd call that excessive.

Chandler: Whoa! 

Joey: What?

Chandler: Heckles played clarinet in band, and I played clarinet. And he was in the scale modeler抯 club, and I was, well, there was no club, but I sure thought they were cool.

Joey: So, you were both dorks. Big deal.

Chandler: I just think it's weird, you know? (The banging is back.) Heckles and me, Heckles, and me, me and Heckles?(He picks up the broom and bangs on the ceiling) Would you knock it off? (Everyone stares) (Realizes) Bah! (He throws the broom down.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Mr. Heckles?Apartment, Chandler is in one of Heckles?old robes and sitting on the couch.]

Joey: (entering) Have you been here all night?

Chandler: Look at this. Pictures of all the women that Heckles went out with. Look what he wrote on them. (As he mentions each name and description, he hands a picture to Joey.) Vivian, too tall. Madge, big gums. Too loud, too smart, makes noise when she eats. This is, this is me. This is what I do. I'm gonna end up alone, just like he did.

Joey: Chandler, Heckles was a nut case.

Chandler: Our trains are on the same track, ok? Yeah, sure, I'm coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are all the same. Bitter Town. Aloneville. Hermit Junction.

Joey: All right, you know what we gotta do? We gotta get you outta here. Come on, I'll buy you breakfast, let's go.

Chandler: What if I never find someone? Or worse, what if I've found her, but I dumped her because she pronounced it 憇upposably??

Joey: Chandler, come on, you're gonna find somebody.

Chandler: How do you know that? How?

Joey: I don't know, I'm just tryin' to help you out.

Chandler: You'll see, you guys are all gonna go off and get married, and I'm gonna end up alone. Will you promise me something? When you're married, will you invite me over for holidays?

Joey: Well, I don't know. I don't know what we're gonna be doin'. I mean, what if we're at her folks' place?

Chandler: Yeah, I understand.

Joey: You can come over and watch the Super Bowl. Every year, all right?

Chandler: You know what? I'm not gonna end up like this. I'll see you man.

Joey: Supposably. Supposably. Did they go to the zoo? Supposably.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey抯, Chandler enters, picks up the phone, and dials.]

Chandler: (on phone) Hi, it's me.

Janice: Oh, my, god.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is telling everyone about his phone call.]

Phoebe: Janice? You called Janice?

Chandler: Yes, Janice. Why is that so difficult for you to comprehend?

Ross: You remember Janice, right?

Chandler: Yes. She was smart, she was pretty, and she honestly cared about me. Janice is my last chance to have somebody.

Janice: (entering and pregnant) Helloo!!

Chandler: Oh卪y匞od!

Joey: (To Chandler) Geez, look how fat she got.

Janice: Hey, it's everybody.

Chandler: Janice, you're?

Janice: Yes, I am.

Chandler: Is it?

Janice: Is it yours? Ha! You wish, Chandler Bing. You are looking at a married lady now. (She shows everyone her ring.)

Chandler: Congratulations.

Janice: Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.

Chandler: You couldn't have told me about this on the phone?

Janice: And what? Missed the expression on your face? Janice likes to have her fun.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel抯, Rachel is reading and admiring her new lamp.]

Monica: Hey, Rache. You know what we haven't played in a while?

Rachel: What?

Monica: Hide the Lamp.

Rachel: Monica, let it go.

Monica: Did you know I was allergic to shellfish?

Rachel: Well, then, you'll just have to eat the other lamps.

(Ross enters carrying a briefcase.)

Phoebe: Uh-oh. It's Scary Scientist Man.

Ross: Ok, Phoebe, this is it. In this briefcase I carry actual scientific facts. A briefcase of facts, if you will. Some of these fossils are over 200 million years old.

Phoebe: Ok, look, before you even start, I'm not denying evolution, ok, I'm just saying that it's one of the possibilities.

Ross: It's the only possibility, Phoebe.

Phoebe: Ok, Ross, could you just open your mind like this much, ok? (Holding her thumb and forefinger close together) Wasn't there a time when the brightest minds in the world believed that the world was flat? And, up until like what, 50 years ago, you all thought the atom was the smallest thing, until you split it open, and this like, whole mess of crap came out. Now, are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that you can't admit that there's a teeny tiny possibility that you could be wrong about this? (Monica and Rachel are intrigued.)

Ross: There might be卆 teeny卼iny卲ossibility.

Phoebe: I can't believe you caved.

Ross: What?

Phoebe: You just abandoned your whole belief system. I mean, before, I didn't agree with you, but at least I respected you. How, how, how are you going to go into work tomorrow? How, how are you going to face the other science guys? How, how are you going to face yourself? (Ross slowly closes the briefcase and walks out hugging it.) Oh! That was fun. So who's hungry?

Rachel: I am. Let me just get my coat.

(As Monica puts on her coat she knocks over and breaks the seashell lamp.)

Rachel: (running into the living room) What happened?! What happened?!

Monica: Ok, all right. It was an accident, I swear, all right. I was putting on my jacket, and the thing, and the lamp, and it broke.

Rachel: Oh, please, Monica. You've always hated my lamp, and then, all of a sudden, it's just magically broken?

Monica: Phoebe, tell her!

Phoebe: Ok, I didn't see it, because I was putting on my jacket, but I uh want to believe you.

(Chandler enters.)

Rachel: Hey Chandler. Monica just broke my seashell lamp.

Chandler: Neat. I'm gonna die alone.

Rachel: Ok, you win.

Monica: Chandler, you're not gonna die alone.

Chandler: Janice was my safety net, ok? And now I have to get a snake.

Phoebe: Uh huh. Why is that?

Chandler: If I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm gonna need a thing, you know, a hook, like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be Crazy Man with a Snake, y択now. Crazy Snake Man. And I'll get more snakes, call them my babies, kids will walk past my place, they will run. "Run away from Crazy Snake Man," they'll shout!

Monica: You have got to get over this. You're not gonna end up alone.

Chandler: Of course I am. I reject anyone who's crazy enough to actually go out with me, and then I bitch about the fact that there aren't any great women out there.

Rachel: Chandler, you have just described virtually every man that we have ever gone out with.

Monica: You are not a freak. You're a guy.

Rachel: She's right. She's right. You are no different than the rest of them.

Monica: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Yes he is. You are totally different.

Chandler: In a bad way?

Monica: No, honey, in a wonderful way. You know what you want now. Most guys don't even have a clue. You are ready to take risks, you are ready to be vulnerable, and intimate with someone.

Rachel: Yeah. You're not gonna end up alone.

Phoebe: Chandler, you called Janice! That's how much you wanted to be with someone!

Monica: You made it!

Phoebe: You're there!

Rachel: You are ready to make a commitment!

Chandler: Whoa! Don't know about that.

[Scene: Mr. Heckles?Apartment, everyone is finishing cleaning up the apartment as Monica walks up to Rachel carrying the girlie clock.]

Rachel: What you got there? Something else that's not yours that you can break?

Monica: No. Um, I know you like this, and I want you to have it. I think it'll look good in our apartment.

Rachel: Thank you.

(The clock sounds it抯 alarm by whistling and having the girl shake her hips.)

Monica: That's fine.

Chandler: Hey. Well, you will all be pleased to know that I have a date tomorrow night. This woman Alison, from work, she's great. She's pretty. She's smart. And uh, I've been holding off on asking her out in the past, because she has an unusually large head. But, I'm not gonna let that stuff hang me up anymore. Look at me. I'm growing.

Joey: Hey, uh, you can't recycle yearbooks, can you?

Chandler: I'll take that.

Joey: You want his yearbook?

Chandler: Yeah, yeah. Some people said some nice things about him. I think somebody should have it.

Monica: Oh, gosh, this is so weird. I mean, his whole life was in this apartment, and now it's gone. You know, I think it would be nice if we just took a few moments, for Mr. Heckles. I mean, he was kind of a pain, he was, but he was a person. (She ends up standing behind the magnifying glass and everyone is laughing.) (Realizes.)You're all going to hell.

Rachel: It's really not that big!

(Joey grabs the magnifying glass and walks out.)

Chandler: (To Joey) Takin' that with you, huh?

Joey: Oh, yeah.

Ross: You comin'?

Chandler: Yeah, just second. (Ross exits and Chandler picks up the broom and leans it up against the wall.) Good-bye Mr. Heckles. (He turns off the lights.) We'll try to keep it down.

Ending Credits

[Scene: A Restaurant, Chandler is on his date with Allison.]

Allison: Oh, my major was totally useless. I mean, how often do you look in the classifieds and see "Philosopher wanted?"

Chandler: Sure. (In his head.) My god, that's a big head! It didn't look this big in the office. Maybe it's the lighting. My head must look like a golf ball at work. All right, don't get hung up on it, quick, quick, list five things you like about her: Nice smile, good dresser匓ig head, big head, big head!

End


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The One With Phoebe's Husband

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Written by: Alexa Junge
Transcribed by: Josh Hodge


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[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is on the phone.]

Rachel: Mom, would you relax. That was 10 blocks from here and, the, the woman was walking alone at night, I would never do that. Mom, c'mon, stop worrying. This is a safe street, this is a safe building, there's nothing (a pigeon flies in the window and lands on the table) Oh my Goood, oh my God, oh I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go. (hangs up) OK, that's fine, you just read the paper, I'm gonna get a pot, it's not for you. (grabs a pot and lid) OK, that's fine, read the Family Circus, enjoy the gentle comedy. (puts pot over the pigeon) Aaahh, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, aaaaahh. (knock at the door) It's open you guys.

(a stranger enters with flowers)

Stranger: Hi.

Rachel: Hi, hi can I help you?

Stranger: Yeah, I'm looking for Phoebe, does she still live here?

Rachel: Uh, no she doesn't but I can, I can get a message to her.

Stranger: Great. Uhh, just tell her her husband stopped by. (leaves flowers on bar)

Rachel: What? (in surprise she forgets she has the pigeon in the pot and lets it get away)

Stranger: Hey, how, how did you do that?

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the whole gang is there.]

Joey: This is unbelievable Phoebs, how can you be married?

Phoebe: Well, I mean, I'm not married, married, ya know, he's just a friend and he's gay and he's just from Canada and he just needed a green card.

Monica: I can't believe you married Duncan. I mean how could you not tell me? We lived together, we told each other everything.

Phoebe: I'm sorry Monica but I knew if I told you, you'd get really, like, judgemental and you would not approve.

Monica: Of course I wouldn't approve, I mean, you were totally in love with this guy who, hello, was gay. I mean, what the hell were you thinking?

Ross: You see, and you thought she'd be judgemental.

Phoebe: OK, I wasn't in love with him and I was just helping out a friend.

Monica: Please, when he left town you stayed in your pajamas for a month and I saw you eat a cheeseburger.

All: Huuh.

Monica: Well, didn't you?

Phoebe: I might have.

Monica: I can't believe you didn't tell me.

Phoebe: Oh, c'mon, like you tell me everything.

Monica: What have I not told you?

Phoebe: Oh, I don't know. Umm, how about the fact that the underwear out there on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby out on the terrace.

Rachel: What!

(Rachel, Joey, Ross, and Phoebe run over to the window to look.)

Monica: Wait a minute, who told you? (turns to Chandler who's looking sheepish) You are dead meat.

Chandler: I didn't know it was a big secret.

Monica: Oh it's not big, not at all, you know, kinda the same lines as, say, oh I don't know, having a third nipple!

(Everyone comes back from the window and surrounds Chandler with Ross hopping on the couch.)

Phoebe: You have a third nipple?

Chandler: (to Monica) You bitch.

Ross: Whip it out, whip it out.

Phoebe: Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!

Chandler: (walks into the living room) C'mon, there's nothin' to see, it's just a tiny bump, it's totally useless.

Rachel: Oh as, as opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?

Joey: I can't believe you. You told me it was a nubbin.

Ross: Joey, what did you think a nubbin was?

Joey: I don't know, you see somethin', you hear a word, I thought that's what it was. Let me see it again.

(They go over to Chandler.)

All: Yeah, show it. Show it. The nubbin, the nubbin, the nubbin.

Chandler: Joey was in a porno movie.

All: Huuh.

Chandler: If I'm goin' down, I'm takin' everybody with me.

(They all run over to Joey.)

Ross: You were in a porno?

Joey: Ahh, alright, alright, alright, I was young and I just wanted a job, OK. But at the last minute I couldn't go through with it so they let me be the guy who comes in to fix the copier but can't 'cause there's people havin' sex on it.

Monica: That is wild.

Ross: (to Chandler) So what's it shaped like?

Phoebe: Yeah, is there a hair on it?

Joey: What happens if you flick it?

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Ross, and Julie are sitting on the couch.]

Ross: So, uh, does it do anything, you know, special?

Chandler: Why yes Ross, pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.

Julie: You know, in some cultures having a third nipple is actually a sign of virility. You get the best huts and women dance naked around you.

Chandler: Huh? Are, uh, any of these cultures, per chance, in the tri-state area?

Ross: You know, you are so amazing, is there anything you, you don't know?

Rachel: (to Monica at the counter) Ooh, Julie's so smart, Julie's so special.

Monica: Look honey, I wanted you to hook up with Ross as much as you did. But he's with her now and you're just gonna have to get over it.

Rachel: Ohh, I'm gonna have to get over it. God, see I didn't know that's I had to do, I just have to get over it.

(Phoebe enters all dressed up)

All: Woah.

Joey: Foxy lady.

Julie: Where you goin'?

Phoebe: Um, I'm gonna go meet Duncan, he's skating tonight at the Garden, he's in the Capades.

Joey: The Ice Capades?

Chandler: No, no the gravel capades. Yeah, the turns aren't as fast but when Snoopy falls. . . funny.

Monica: I can't believe you're dressing up for him. I mean, you're just, you're setting yourself up all over again.

Phoebe: OK, no. For your information I'm going to see him so I can put all those feeling behind me. OK, and the reason I'm dressed like this is because I think it's nice to look nice for your gay husband.

Ross: (holding cream pitcher) Oh, darnit, we're all out of milk. (holds pitcher in front of Chandler's chest and flips the lid) Hey Chandler, would you fill me up here?

Chandler: Oh I see, I see, because of the third nipple thing. Ha ha ha ha. . . 

[Scene: Central Perk, close to closing. Ross and Julie are still there. Rachel is cleaning tables.]

Ross: OK sweetie, I'll see you later.

Julie: See you later Rach.

Rachel: Bye-bye Julie. (Julie leaves)

(Rachel is still cleaning, Ross is laying on the couch. Ross kicks Rachel in the butt.)

Rachel: Hey.

Ross: Hey.

(Ross kicks her again)

Rachel: Hey, c'mon, cut it out.

Ross: Hey?

Rachel: What?

Ross: Can I ask you somethin'?

Rachel: Sure.

Ross: Naa.

Rachel: What? C'mon, talk to me.

Ross: OK, what's the longest you've been in the relationship before ha, have, having the sex?

Rachel: Why? Who's not having. . . Are you and Julie not, are, are you and, are you and Julie not having sex?

Ross: Technically, huh, no.

Rachel: Wow. Is it, is it 'cause she's so cold in bed. Or, or is it 'cause she's like, kinda bossy, makes it feel like school?

Ross: No, no, she's great and it's not like we haven't done anything. I mean, uh, uh, we, we do plenty of other stuff, lot's of other stuff, like uhh. . .

Rachel: No, no no no, don't need to know the details.

Ross: It's just, it's, it's me. You, you know I've only been with one woman my whole life and she turned out to be a lesbian. So now I've got myself all psyched out, you know, and it's become, like this, this thing and I. . . Well, you just must think I'm weird.

Rachel: No, no, no, no I don't think it's weird, I think, I think umm, in fact, in fact you know what I think?

Ross: What?

Rachel: I think it's sexy.

Ross: Sexy?

Rachel: Let me tell you something. As a woman there is nothing sexier than a man who does not want to have sex.

Ross: No kidding?

Rachel: Oh yeah. In fact you know what I'd do?

Ross: What?

Rachel: I'd wait.

Ross: You'd wait?

Rachel: Yes, absolutely. I would wait and wait. . . then I'd wait some more.

Ross: Really?

Rachel: Oh yeah, I don't care how much she tells you she wants it, I don't care if begs, she pleads, she tells you she, she's gonna have sex with, with another man. That just means it's working.

Ross: Women really want this?

Rachel: More than jewelry. (Rachel struts off, extremely pleased with herself)

[Scene: Madison Square Garden, Duncan's dressing room.]

Phoebe: Hi.

Duncan: Phoebe!

Phoebe: Ta-da.

Duncan: Hey.

Phoebe: Hi.

Duncan: Ahh, look at you, you look great.

Phoebe: Do I? Thank you, so do you.

Duncan: Thanks.

Phoebe: Sparkly. So, wow, this is pretty wonerful, huh. Mr. major capades guy. I, I remember when you were just, like, King Friday in Mr. Roger's Ice is Nice.

Duncan: You always said I'd make it.

Phoebe: Yeah, well, ya know, I'm kind of spooky that way. Wooo.

Duncan: I missed you. (they hug) I'm gonna get changed.

Phoebe: OK.

Duncan: Um, now. Phoebs.

Phoebe: Oh, right, OK. Ole.

Duncan: What?

Phoebe: Um, the matador. (Duncan leaves) Ole, ha ha ha.

[Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross and Julie are setting the table.]

Ross: Julie, can you hold this for a second, thanks. (hands her a bowl and kisses her)

(Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Rachel enter. Ross and Julie don't notice.)

Chandler: Uh, Julie.

Julie: Yeah?

Chandler: Sorry, you had a paleontologist on your face. But, uh, it's gone now, you're alright.

Ross: Hi everyone.

All: Hi.

Ross: (pulls Rachel aside) I just, I wanted to thank you for our uh, our little talk before.

Rachel: Oh, God, no problem. So you're gonna go with the uh, waiting thing?

Ross: Well, I was going to, but after I talked to you, I talked to Joey.

Rachel: What did, what did he say?

Ross: Basically he told me to get over myself and just do it, ya know. So I though about what you said and I though about what he said and, well, his way I get to have sex tonight so. . .

[Scene: Ross's apartment, after dinner. Chandler enters.]

Chandler: What's this in my pocket? Why it's Joey's porno movie.

Ross: Pop it in.

Joey: I'm fine with it, I mean, if you're OK watching a video filled with two nippled people. (Chandler puts the tape in)

Rachel: Great, people having sex, that's just what I need to see.

Ross: What's wrong with people having sex?

Rachel: Well, well um, you know, these movies are offensive and uh, degrading to women and females. And uh, and the lighting's always unflattering. And, Monica help me out here.

Monica: Hell, I wanna see Joey.

(The video starts with the cheesy porn disco music)

Julie: So is there like a story or do they just stard doing it right. . . oh, never mind.

Chandler: OK, now wait a minute. That is the craziest typing test I've ever seen.

Monica: All I say is, she better get the job.

Ross: Looks to me like he's the one getting the job.

Joey: Shh, OK, here I come, here I come. See I'm comin' to fix the copier, I can't get to the copier, I'm thinkin' what do I do, what do I do. . . so I just watch 'em have sex. And then I say, wait, here's my line, (Joey from TV) you know that's bad for the paper tray.

Chandler: Nice work my friend.

Joey: Thank you. Wait wait wait wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy's butt's blockin' me. There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am, there I am. . .

[Scene: Madison Square Garden, Duncan's dressing room. Phoebe is fixing her hair and Duncan enters.]

Phoebe: So um, so what's up, you came to see me yesterday.

Duncan: Oh, yeah, um, alright, I kinda need a divorce.

Phoebe: Ohh. . .K. How come?

Duncan: Umm, actually, I'm getting married again.

Phoebe: What?

Duncan: Oh God, I don't know how to tell you this. I'm straight.

Phoebe: Huuh.

Duncan: Yeah, I know, I.

Phoebe: I, I don't, I don't understand, how can you be straight? I mean, you're, you're so smart and funny and you throw such great Academy Award parties.

Duncan: I know, that's what I kept telling myself but you just reach a point where you can't live a lie anymore.

Phoebe: So how long have you known?

Duncan: Well I guess on some level I always knew I was straight. I though I was supposed to be something else, you know, I'm an ice dancer, all my friends are gay, I was just tryin' to fit in.

Phoebe: And um, and there's actually a, a woman?

Duncan: Her name's Debra.

Phoebe: Oh. Well is she, is she the first that you've been with?

Duncan: Well, I've never told you this but, there were one or two times, back in college, when I'd get really drunk, go to a straight bar and wake up with a woman next to me. But I, I, I told myself it was the liquor and e-everyone experiments in college. 

Phoebe: Sure.

Duncan: But now I know I don't have a choice about this, I was born this way.

Phoebe: I, I don't know what to say. I mean, you know, you're married to someone for six years and you think you know him and then one day says, 'Oh, I'm not gay.'

Duncan: I'm, I'm still me.

Phoebe: Why couldn't you have just figured this out six years ago?

[Scene: Ross's apartment, everyone is sitting around. Monica enters from bathroom.]

Monica: You know, it still smells like monkey in there.

Julie: That saves us a conversation.

Chandler: Well, listen, this has been great but I'm officially wiped.

Joey: Me too, we should get goin'.

Rachel: No, no, I mean, no, c'mon you guys, I mean, c'mon look it's only eleven thirty. Let's just talk, we never just hang out and talk anymore.

Monica: Rachel, that's all we do.

Rachel: Maybe that's all we do, what about Julie?

Julie: What about Julie?

Rachel: Well, you have been in our lives for nearly two months now and we don't really know you. I mean, who is Julie? I mean, what do you like, what don't you like? We wanna hear everything.

Julie: Well, that could take a while.

Rachel: So. I mean, who here does not have the time to get to know Julie?

Chandler: I got the time to get to know Julie.

Joey: I got time.

Monica: Rach, I know her pretty well, can I go? (Rachel gives her a look from hell) That's fine.

Rachel: OK Julie, so now let's start with your childhood, what was that like?

Julie: Well, in a nutshell. . .

Rachel: Nah, uh, uh, uh, uh.

[Scene: Madison Square Garden, Duncan's dressing room. Phoebe is signing the divorce papers.]

Phoebe: So, um, have you told your parents?

Duncan: No, but it'll be OK, they're pretty cool, my brother's straight so. . .

Phoebe: (handing him the papers) Here you go. You know what, I just have one more question, um, if you had figured this out sooner and um, I had been around, do you think that I would have been the one who. . . no, um, I'm sorry, don't tell me, I don't think either answer would make me feel better.

Duncan: I love you Phoebe. (they hug and kiss)

Phoebe: So your brother's straigh huh? Seriously.

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Julie is telling her life story.]

Julie: And my second grade teacher was Ms. Thomas, and my first grade teacher was Mrs. Cobb.

Rachel: Mrs., Mrs. Gobb?

Julie: No Cobb, as in cobb salad.

Rachel: Now, what exactly is in a cobb salad?

Chandler: I'm goin' home.

Rachel: What?

(Outside in the hallway, Chandler, Joey, and Monica exit)

Joey: Boy that Julie's a talker, huh?

Ross: Good-night.

Rachel: So, it's pretty late, you're probably uh, not still planning on. . .

Ross: Oh, no-no, I am.

Rachel: Oh, well, are hey, are you nervous?

Ross: Um, no, I uh, I have done it before.

Rachel: Uh, OK, I mean uh, what, how are you gonna handle it. I mean, are, are ya gonna, are ya gonna talk about it before hand, are you just gonna pounce?

Ross: I uh, I don't know, I guess I'm just gonna see, see what happens.

Rachel: OK, gook luck.

Ross: Wha, uhh, what?

Rachel: Nothing, I mean, um, it is your first time with her and, you know if the first time doesn't go well, well then that's, that's pretty darn hard to recover from.

Ross: OK, now I'm nervous.

Rachel: Maybe you should put it off.

Ross: No, no, I don't wanna put it off, I just, God I just, I spent last year being so unbelievably miserable, ya know, and now, now I'm actually happy. You know, I mean, really happy. I just, I just don't wanna, I don't wanna mess it up, ya know.

Rachel: I know, yeah, sorry.

Ross: What, it's not your fault.

Rachel: Maybe it, maybe it doesn't have to be this tough. I mean, maybe you were on the right track with this whole, you know, spontaneous thing. I mean, women really like that.

Ross: Really?

Rachel: Yeah, I mean, you know it, I mean, if it were me I, I, you know, I'd want you to, I don't know, like catch me off guard, you know, with like a really good kiss, you know really, sort of um, soft at first, then maybe um brush the hair away from my face, and look far into my eyes in a way that let's me know that something amazing is about to happen.

Ross: (being drawn in by her talk) Uh-huh.

Rachel: And then, I don't know, I mean you'd pull me really close to you so that, so that I'd be pressed up, you know, right against you. And, um, it would get kind of sweaty and uh, and blurry, and then it's just happening.

Ross: Ohh. . . Thanks Rach, goodnight. (goes back in apartment)

Rachel: Ohh, God.

Closing Credits

[Scene: A Street, the next morning. Ross is dancing along, Singing in the Rain is playing. Two old ladies are sitting on a bench.]

Ross: Good morning.

Old Woman: somebody got some last night.

Ross: Twice

End.


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The One With Five Steaks and an Eggplant

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Written by: Chris Brown 
Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips
With Minor Adjustments by: Eric Aasen


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[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Chandler are there. Ross is watching wrestling.]

Ross: Man, I sure miss Julie.

Chandler: Spanish midgets. Spanish midgets wrestling. Julie. Ok, yes, I see how you got there. (The phone rings and Chandler doesn't answer it.)

Ross: You ever figure out what that thing's for?

Chandler: No, see, I'm trying this new screening thing. You know, I figure if I'm always answering the phone, people'll think I don't have a life. My god, Rodrigo never gets pinned. 

Machine: (Joey's voice) Here comes the beep, you know what to do.

Woman's Voice: Hello, I'm looking for Bob. This is Jane. I don't know if you're still at this number, but I was just thinking about us, and how great it was, and, well, I know it's been three years, but, I was kinda hoping we could hook up again. I barely had t he nerve to make this call, so you know what I did?

Chandler: What?

Jade: I got a little drunk...and naked.

Chandler: (answering the phone, in a deep voice) Bob here.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, continued from earlier.  Ross and Chandler are dancing.]

Chandler: (on phone) What've you been up to?

Jade: Oh, you know, the usual, teaching aerobics, partying way too much. Oh, and in case you were wondering, those are my legs on the new James Bond poster. (They stop dancing.)

Chandler: Can you hold on a moment? I have another call. (To Ross) I love her.

Ross: I know.

Chandler: (on phone) I'm back.

Jade: So, are we gonna get together or what?

Chandler: Um, absolutely. Uh, how 'bout tomorrow afternoon? Do you know uh, Central Perk in the Village, say, five-ish?

Jade: Great, I'll see you then.

Chandler: Ok. (He hangs up.) Ok. Having a phone has finally paid off.

Ross: Even though you do do a good Bob impression, I'm thinkin' when she sees you tomorow, she's probably gonna realize, "Hey, you're not Bob."

Chandler: I'm hoping that when Bob doesn't show up, she will seek comfort in the open arms of the wry stranger at the next table.

Ross: Oh my god. You are pure evil.

Chandler: Ok, pure evil (holds up his left hand), horny and alone (holds up his right hand). I've done this (He shakes his right hand.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there and Ross is on the phone.]

Ross: Yeah, yeah, everybody's here. Hey, everybody, say hi to Julie in New Mexico.

All: Hi, Julie!

Rachel: (sarcastically) Hi, Julie.

Chandler: Ok, while Ross is on the phone, everybody owes me 62 bucks for his birthday.

Phoebe: Um, is, is there any chance that you're rounding up? Y'know, like from, like 20?

Chandler: Hey, come on, we got the gift, the concert, and the cake.

Joey: Do we need a cake?

Chandler: Look guys, I know it's a little steep.

Rachel: Yeah, whoosh! (Imitates going over a cliff with her hand.)

Chandler: But it's Ross.

Phoebe: It's Ross.

Joey: Yeah, you're right.

Chandler: I'll see you guys later, I gotta go...do a thing.

Ross: Ok, sweetheart, I'll call you later tonight. (He hangs up) (To Chandler) Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey, you're not really gonna go through with this, are you?

Chandler: You know, I think I might just.

(They exit.)

Rachel: So uh, what are you guys doing for dinner tonight?

Joey: Well I guess I gotta start savin' up for Ross's birthday, so I guess I'll just stay home and eat dust bunnies.

Phoebe: Can you believe how much this is gonna cost?

Rachel: Do you guys ever get the feeling that um, Chandler and those guys just don't get that we don't make as much money as they do?

Joey: Yes! Yeah, it's like they're always saying "let's go here, let's go there". Like we can afford to go here and there.

Phoebe: Yes, yes, and it's, and we always have to go to, y'know, someplace nice, y'know? God, and it's not like we can say anything about it, 'cause, like this birthday thing, it's for Ross.

Joey: For Ross.

Rachel: For Ross, Ross, Ross.

Monica: (entering) Oh my god. 

Rachel: Hey.

Joey: Hi.

Rachel: What?

Monica: I'm at work, ordinary day, you know, chop chop chop, sauti, sauti, sauti. All of a sudden, Leon, the manager, calls me into his office. It turns out they fired the head lunch chef, and guess who got the job.

Joey: If it's not you, this is a horrible story.

Monica: Fortunately, it is me. And, they made me head of purchasing, thank you very much. Anyway, I just ran into Ross and Chandler downstairs, and they think we should go out and celebrate. Y'know, someplace nice. (She goes into her bedroom.)

Joey: (to Phoebe and Rachel) Yeah, someplace nice. 

Rachel: Yeah!

Joey:  How much do you think I can get for my kidney? 

[Scene: Central Perk, Jade is waiting for Bob to show while Ross and Chandler look on.]

Ross: I'm tellin' you. You can't do this.

Chandler: Oh, come on. I can never get a girl like that with conventional methods.

Ross: That doesn't matter. She wanted to call Bob. Hey, for all we know, Bob is who she was meant to be with. You may be destroying two people's chance for happiness.

Chandler: We don't know Bob!  Okay? We know me. We like me. Please let me be happy.

Ross: Go over there and tell that woman the truth.

Chandler: All right. (He gets up, but swings around the pole back to their table.)

Ross: Go.

(He walks over to Jade.)

Chandler: Hi. 

Jade: Hi.

Chandler: Listen, I have to, uh, um, I have to, I have to confess something.

Jade: Yes?

Chandler: Whoever stood you up is a jerk.

Jade: How did you...

Chandler: I don't know. (He sits down.) I just had this weird sense. You know, but that's me. I'm weird and sensitive. Tissue? (Holds out one of this small packs.)

Jade: Thanks.

Chandler: No, you keep the pack. I'm all cried out today.

(He looks over at Ross who glares at him.)

[Scene: A Restaurant, everyone except Chandler is seated at a table.]

Ross: Ok, (holding up his glass) ok, here is to my sister, the newly-appointed head lunch chef...

Monica: Who is also in charge of purchasing.

Ross: Newly appointed head lunch chef who is also in charge of purchasing...

Monica: Who has her own little desk when Roland's not there.

Ross: Uh, lunch chef, purchasing, own little desk when Roland's not there. Here's to my little sister--

Monica: Oh, wait, and I got a beeper!

Joey: Cool.

Phoebe: Let's see!

Ross: That's fine, I'll-I'll just wait!

Monica: Oh, sorry.

Joey: Sorry, sorry.

Ross: Monica! 

(They clink their glasses.)

Waiter: Are we ready to order? 

Rachel: Oh, you know what, we haven't even looked yet.

Waiter: Well, when you do, just let me know. I'll be right over there on the edge of my seat.

Phoebe: (to Joey and Rachel) Wow, look at these prices.

Rachel: Yeah, these are pretty ch-ching.

Joey: What are these, like famous chickens?

Chandler: Hey, sorry I'm late. Congratulations, Mon. (to Ross) I'm not sorry I'm late. How incredible was my afternoon with Jade?

Ross: (to Chandler behind their menus) Well, pretty incredible according to the message she left you on my machine. Hey, Chandler, why is this woman leaving a message for you on my machine?

Chandler: Oh, see, I had to tell her that my number was your number, because I couldn't tell her that my number was my number because she thinks that my number is Bob's number.

Ross: Hey, tell me again, what do I do when Mr. Roper calls?

Waiter: Do I dare ask?

Monica: Yes, I will start with the carpaccio, and then I'll have the grilled prawns. 

Ross: That sounds great. Same for me.

Waiter: And for the gentleman?

Joey: Yeah, I'll have the Thai chicken pizza. But, hey, look, if I get it without the nuts and leeks and stuff, is it cheaper?

Waiter: You'd think, wouldn't you? Miss?

Rachel: Ok, I will have the uh, (whispers) side salad.

Waiter: (whispers) And what will that be on the side of?

Rachel: Uh, I don't know. Why don't you put it right here next to my water?

Waiter: And for you?

Phoebe: Um, I'm gonna have a cup of the cucumber soup, and, um, take care.

Chandler: I will have the uh, Cajun catfish.

Waiter: Anything else?

Chandler: Yes, how 'bout a verse of Killing Me Softly. You're gonna sneeze on my fish, aren't you?

[Time lapse, everyone has finished dinner and Ross is figuring out the bill.]

Ross: (using calculator) Plus tip, divided by six. Ok, everyone owes 28 bucks.

Chandler:  Okay.

Rachel: Um, everyone?

Ross: Oh, you're right, I'm sorry. 

Joey: Thank you.

Ross: Monica's big night, she shouldn't pay. 

Monica: Oh, thank you!

Ross: So five of us is, $33.50 apiece.

Phoebe: No, huh uh, no way, I'm sorry, not gonna happen.

Chandler: Whoa, whoa, prom night flashback.

Phoebe: I'm sorry, Monica, I'm really happy you got promoted, but cold cucumber mush for thirty-something bucks? No! Rachel just had that-that-that salad, and, and Joey with his like teeny pizza! It's just...

Ross: Ok, Pheebs! How 'bout we'll each just pay for what we had. It's no big deal.

Phoebe: Not for you.

Monica: All right, what's goin' on?

Rachel: (to Joey and Phoebe) Ok, look you guys, I really don't want to get into this right now. I think it'll just make everyone uncomfortable.

Phoebe: Fine. All right, fine.

Joey: Yeah.

Chandler: You can tell us. 

Ross: Hello, it's us, all right? It'll be fine.

Monica: Yeah!

Joey: (clearing his throat a lot) Ok, um, uh, we three feel like, that uh, sometimes you guys don't get that uh... (Pause) We don't have as much money as you.

Monica: Ok.

Ross: I hear ya. 

Chandler: We can talk about that.

Phoebe: Well, then...Let's.

Ross: Well umm I, I just never think of money as an issue.

Rachel: That's 'cause you have it.

Ross: That's a good point.

Chandler: So um, how come you guys haven't talked about this before?

Joey: 'Cause it's always somethin', you know, like with Monica's new job, or the whole Ross's birthday hoopla.

Ross: Wha梂hoa, hey, I don't want my birthday to be the source of any kind of negative梩here's gonna be a hoopla?

Rachel: Basically, there's the thing, and then there's the stuff after the thing.

Monica: If it makes anybody feel better, then we can just forget the thing, and we'll just do the gift.

Ross: G-gift? The thing's not the gift?

Chandler: No, the thing was, we were gonna go see Hootie and the Blowfish.

Ross: Hootie and the梠h my. I, I can catch them on the radio.

Phoebe: No, now I feel bad. You wanna go to the concert.

Ross: No, look, hey, it's my birthday, and the important thing is that we all be together.

Monica: All of us.

Chandler: Together.

Ross: Not at the concert.

Rachel: Ok.

Joey: Yeah.

Rachel: Thank you.

Joey: Thanks.

Phoebe: Yeah.

(An awkward silence ensues.)

Chandler: So, the ebola virus. That's gotta suck, huh?

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey, Phoebe, and Rachel are sitting in the living room as Monica, who's holding a bag, Ross, and Chandler stand before them.]

Chandler: Gee, Monica, what's in the bag?

Monica: I don't know, Chandler. Let's take a look.

Phoebe: Oh, it's like a skit.

Monica: Why, it's dinner for six. 5 steaks, and an eggplant for Phoebe. 

Ross: Whoo!

Phoebe: Cool.

Monica: Yeah, we switched meat suppliers at work, and the new guys gave me the steaks as sort of a thank you.

Ross: But wait, there's more. Hey, Chandler, what is in the envelope?

Chandler: (to the others) By the way, this didn't seem so dorky in the hall.

Ross: Come on.

Chandler: Why, it's six tickets to Hootie and the Blowfish! (Pause) The Blowfish!

Monica: It's on us, all right, so don't worry. It's our treat.

Phoebe: So...Thank you.

Ross: Could you be less enthused?

Joey: Look, it's a nice gesture, it is. But it just feels like...

Monica: Like?

Joey: Charity.

Monica: Charity?

Ross: We're just tryin' to do a nice thing here.

Rachel: Ross, you have to understand that your nice thing makes us feel this big. (Holds her thumb and forefinger a short distance apart.)

Phoebe: Actually, it makes us feel that big. (She squeezes Rachel's thumb and forefinger closer together.)

Ross: I don't, I don't understand. I mean, you, it's like we can't win with you guys.

Chandler: If you guys feel this big (imitates Rachel's gesture), maybe that's not our fault. Maybe that's just how you feel.

Joey: Oh, now you're tellin' us how you feel.

Rachel: Ok, we never shoulda talked about this.

Phoebe: I'm just gonna pass on the concert, 'cause I'm just not in a very Hootie place right now.

Rachel: Me neither.

Joey: Me too.

Monica: Guys, we bought the tickets.

Phoebe: Oh, well, then you'll have extra seats y'know, for all your tiaras and stuff.

Chandler: (to Phoebe) Why did you look at me when you said that?

Monica: Well, I guess now we can't go.

Rachel: What? Come on, you do what you want to do. Do we always have to do everything together?

Monica: You know what? You're right.

Phoebe: Fine.

Ross: Fine. (Exits)

Joey: Fine.

Chandler: Fine. (Exits)

Rachel: Fine.

Monica: All right. We're gonna go. (Exits, then comes back in) It's not for another six hours. We're gonna go then.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is standing at the fridge as Ross enters hiding Chandler behind the door.]

Ross: Chandler! 

Chandler: (startling Ross) Yeah?

Ross: Geez! Are you ready?

Chandler: Yes. Yes! Just let me grab my jacket and tell you I had sex today.

Ross: Whoa! You had sex today?

Chandler: Wow, it sounds even cooler when somebody else says it. I was awesome, ok? She was biting her lip to stop from screaming. 

Ross: Wow!

Chandler: Now I know it's been awhile, but I took it as a good sign.

(The phone rings and Chandler doesn't answer it.)

Ross: Still doing the screening thing?

Chandler: I had sex today. I never have to answer that phone again.

Machine: Here comes the beep, you know what to do.

Jade: Hey, Bob, it's Jade. Listen, I just wanted to tell you that I was really hurt when you didn't show up the other day, and just so you know, I ended up meeting a guy.

Chandler: (answering the phone) Bob here.

Jade: Oh, hi.

Chandler: So, uh, you met someone, huh?

Jade: Yes, yes, I did. In fact, I had sex with him 2 hours ago. (Chandler and Ross dance in joy.)

Chandler: So, uh, how was he?

Jade: Eh.

(Pause)

Chandler: Eh?

Jade: Oh, Bob, he was nothing compared to you. I had to bite my lip to keep from screaming your name.

Chandler: Well, that makes me feel so good.

Jade: It was just so awkward and bumpy.

Ross: (silently mouthing) Bumpy?

Chandler: Well, maybe he had some kind of uh, new, cool style, that you're not familiar with. And uh maybe you have to get used to it.

Jade: Well there really wasn't much time to get used to it, you know what I mean?

(Chandler grimaces.)

[Scene: The Concert, Ross, Monica, and Chandler are sitting in their seats looking at the three empty ones.]

Monica: You know what? I'm not gonna be able to enjoy this.

Ross: Yeah, I know, it's my birthday. We all should be here.

Chandler: So, let's go.

(They get up and start to leave, but the band starts to play.)

Ross: Well maybe, you know, maybe we should stay for one song.

Chandler: Yeah, I mean, it would be rude to them (the band) for us to leave now.

Monica: You know, the guys are probably having a great time.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is trying to entertain Phoebe and Rachel.]

Joey: (holding a hand behind his back) Come on you guys, one more time.

Phoebe: Ok. One.

Joey: Nooo. (He brings out his hand and is holding up two fingers.)

[Scene: The Concert, the show has ended and everyone is starting to leave.]

Monica: That was amazing!

Ross: Excellent, that was excellent.

Chandler: I can't believe the guys missed this.

Ross: What guys? Oh, yeah.

Young Man: Excuse me, you're Monica Geller aren't you?

Monica: Do I know you?

Young Man: You used to be my babysitter.

Monica: Oh my god, little Stevie Fisher? How've you been?

Steve: Good, good, I'm a lawyer now.

Monica: You can't be a lawyer. You're eight.

Steve: Listen, it was nice to see you. I gotta run backstage.

Monica: Uh, wait, backstage?

Steve: Oh, yeah, my firm represents the band.

Ross: (introducing himself) Ross.

Chandler: (introducing himself) Chandler.

Steve: How are you? Look, you guys wanna meet the group? Come on. So, are you one of the ones who fooled around with my dad?

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey are there as Ross, Monica, and Chandler enter.]

Ross: Hey, you guys.

Rachel: Happy birthday.

Ross: Oh, thank you, thanks. So uh, how was your night last night?

Rachel: Oh, well, it pretty much sucked. How was yours?

Monica: Yeah, ours pretty much sucked, oh, but, I did run into little Stevie Fisher. Remember him?

Rachel: Oh yeah. I used to babysit him. Hey, how's his dad?

Monica: Uh, good.

Ross: Uh, aside from that, the whole evening was pretty much a bust.

Chandler: Yeah, we really missed you guys.

Joey: Yeah, look, we were just saying, this whole thing is so stupid.

Phoebe: We just have to really, really, really, not let stuff like money get?notices something on Monica's neck)桰s that a hickey?

Monica: No, I just, I fell down.

Rachel: On someone's lips? Where'd you get the hickey?

Monica: You know, a party, or...

Rachel: What party?

Ross: It wasn't so much a party as a...a gathering of people, with food, and music, and, and the band.

Joey: You partied with Hootie and the Blowfish?

Chandler: Yes, apparently Stevie and Hootie are like this. (Holds up crossed fingers.)

Rachel: Who gave you that hickey?

Monica: That would be the work of a Blowfish.

Rachel: Oh!

Phoebe: Oh! I can't believe it. I can't believe this. We're just like, sitting at home, trying to guess Joey's fingers, and you guys are out like partying and having fun, and you know, all, "Hey, Blowfish, suck on my neck".

Ross: Look, don't blame us. You guys coulda been there, you know.

Rachel: What, as part of your poor friends outreach program?

(Monica's pager goes off)

Monica: Oh great, it's work. (To Ross) Can you hand me that? (Ross hands her the phone.)

Chandler: I don't know what to say. I'm sorry that we make more money than you. But we're not gonna feel guilty about it. We work really hard for it. 

Joey: And we don't work hard?

Monica: (on phone) Yeah, hi, it's Monica. I just got a page.

Chandler: I'm just saying that sometimes we like to do stuff that costs a little more.

Joey: And you feel like we hold you back.

Chandler: Yes.

Rachel: Oh!

Chandler: No.

(Everyone starts bickering.)

Monica: Leon, Leon. Shhh! Guys. (They quiet down.) Wait, I don't understand. Those steaks were just a gift from the meat vendor. That was not a kick back. I'll just replace them and we can forget the whole thing. (Listens) What corporate policy? (Listens)   No. (Listens) Yeah. (Listens) Okay. (Hangs up) I just got fired.

Phoebe: Oh.

(Everyone goes over to comfort Monica)

Waitress: (To Monica) Here's your check. That'll be $4.12.

Joey: (grabs the check) Let me get that. (To Chandler) You got five bucks?

Closing Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is lying on the couch as the phone rings.  He's also screening the calls.]

Machine: Here comes the beep, you know what to do.

Jade: Hi, it's me. Listen, Bob. I'm probably way out of line here. I mean, It has been 3 years, and you're probably seeing someone else now, but if we could just have one night together, just for old time's sake, one hot, steamy, wild night...

(Joey lunges for phone and misses.)

End 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The One With the Baby on the Bus

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Written by: Betsy Borns
Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips
With Minor Adjustments by: Eric Aasen


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Chandler, Joey, Ross and Ben are there.  Ben is sitting in his little rocking seat.]

Monica: Who da wenny-Benny boy? You the Wenny-wenny-Benny-Benny boy, yes. (Ben starts crying.) Don't cry. Don't cry. (To Ross) Why is he still crying?

Ross: Let me hold him for a sec. There. (Ben stops crying) Huh? There we are.

Monica: Maye it's me.

Ross: Don't be silly. Ben loves you. He's just being Mr. Crankypants.

Chandler: You know, I once dated a Miss Crankypants. Lovely girl, kinda moody.

Ross: There we go. All better. (gives Ben back to Monica)

Monica: There's my little boy. (Ben starts crying again)

Chandler: Can I uh see something? (Takes Ben. When he puts him close to Monica, Ben cries. When he moves Ben away, he stops crying. He does that a couple times.)

Joey: Cool.

Monica: He hates me. My nephew hates me.

Ross: Come on, don't do this.

Monica: What if my own baby hates me? Huh? What am I gonna do then?

Chandler: Monica, will you stop? This is nuts. Do you know how long it's gonna be before you actually have to deal with this problem? I mean, you don't even have a boyfriend yet. (Monica glares at him.) Joey, she does not look fat.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier. Chandler has a basketball.]

Monica: (to Chandler) Here you go. (Sets a drink down in front of him.)

Chandler: Oh hey Monica. (He holds the basketball in front of Monica.)

Joey: (imitating Ben) Waah!! (Chandler moves the basketball away) Goo, goo, goo. (Chandler moves the basketball in front of Monica again.) Waaah!

Monica: That is so funny. Let me see that a sec. (She throws the ball out the window)

(Ross starts to make some gurgling sounds.)

Joey: Are you ok, Ross?

Ross: I don't know. What's in this pie? 

Monica: Uh, I don't know, butter, eggs, flour, lime, kiwi...

Ross: Kiwi? Kiwi? You said it was a key lime pie.

Monica: No I didn't, I said kiwi lime. That's what makes it so special. 

Ross: And that's what's gonna kill me. I'm allergic to kiwi.

Monica: No you're not. You're, you're allergic to lobster and peanuts and...

Ross: Ugh.

Monica: Oh my god.

Ross: Ugh. It's definitely getting worse.

Monica: Is your tongue swelling up?

Ross: Either that or my mouth is getting smaller.

Monica: All right, get your coat, we're gonna go to the hospital.

Joey: Is he gonna be ok?

Monica: Yeah, he's just gotta get a shot.

Ross: (sitting back down) You know, you know, actually it's getting better. It is. It is. Let's not go. Anyone for Thcrabble?

Monica: Jacket now.

Ross: What about Ben? We can't bring a baby to a hospital.

Joey: We'll watch him.

Ross: I don't think tho.

Joey: What? I have seven Catholic sisters. I've taken care of hundreds of kids. Come on, we wanna do it, don't we?

Chandler: Well, I was looking forward to playing basketball, but I guess that's out the window.

Ross: Ok, well, if you do take him out for his walk, you might wanna bring his hat, and there's extra milk in the fridge, and there's extra diapers in the bag.

Joey: Hat, milk, got it.

Ross: ??? (speech garbled) Thro up a thro thro梐 thro thro!

Joey: Consider it done.

Chandler: You understood that?

Joey: Yeah, my uncle Sal has a really big tongue.

Chandler: Is he the one with the beautiful wife?

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is doing some cleaning as Phoebe sits on the couch with her guitar.]

Phoebe: Hey Rach, wanna hear the new song I'm thinkin' of singing this afternoon? I wrote it this morning in the shower.

Rachel: Ok.

Phoebe: (singing) I'm in the shower and I'm writing a song. Stop me if you've heard it. My skin is soapy, and my hair is wet, and Tegrin spelled backward is Nirget.

Terry: Uh, Rachel, sweetheart, could I see ya for a minute?

Rachel: What's up?

Terry: F.Y.I.. I've decided to pay a professional musician to play in here on Sunday afternoons. Her name is Stephanie... something. She's supposed to be very good.

Rachel: But what about Phoebe?

Terry: Rachel, it's not that your friend is bad, it's that she's so bad, she makes me want to put my finger through my eye into my brain and swirl it around.

Rachel: Ok, ok, so you're not a fan, but I mean, come on, you cannot do this to her.

Terry: Uh... (Points at Rachel.)

Rachel: Oh, no no no no. Oh no no no no. I have to do this to her?

Phoebe: (singing) Lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat...as needed.

[Scene: A Street, Chandler and Joey are loaded down with baby stuff, and Ben.]

Chandler: You know, I don't think we brought enough stuff. Did you forget to pack the baby's anvil?

Joey: It's gonna be worth it. It's a known fact that women love babies, all right? Women love guys who love babies. It's that whole sensitive thing. Quick, aim him at that pack o' babes over there. Maybe one of them will break away. No, no wait, for get them, we got one, hard left. All right, gimme the baby.

Chandler: No, I got him.

Joey: No, seriously.

Chandler: Oh, seriously you want him?

Woman: Hello.

Chandler and Joey: Hello.

Woman: And who is this little cutie pie?

Chandler: Well, don't, don't think me immodest, but, me?

Joey: You wanna smell him?

Woman: I assume we're talking about the baby now.

Joey: Oh, yeah. He's got that great baby smell. Get a whiff of his head.

Woman: (She smells his head.) I think my uterus just skipped a beat.

Joey: (to Chandler) What'd I tell you? What'd I tell you?

Woman: I think it's great you guys are doing this.

Chandler: Well, we are great guys.

Woman: You know, my brother and his boyfriend have been trying to adopt for three years. What agency did you two go through?

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel has just broken the news to Phoebe.]

Phoebe: But, but this is my gig. This is where I play. My, my name is written out there in chalk. You know, you can't just erase chalk.

Rachel: Honey, I'm sorry.

Phoebe: And he's going to be paying this woman? Why doesn't he just give her like a throne, and a crown, and like a, you know, gold stick with a ball on top.

Rachel: Terry is a jerk, ok? That's why we're always saying "Terry's a jerk!" That's where that came from.

Phoebe: Yeah, ok. You probably did everything you could. 

Rachel: Ok, you know what, lemme, let me just see what else I can do. (She goes over to Terry.) All right, look, look. Why don't you just let her go on after Stephanie whatever-her-name-is. I mean, you won't even be here. You don't pay her. It's not gonna cost you anything.

Terry: I, I don't know. 

Rachel: Come on, Terry, I'll even clean the cappuccino machine.

Terry: You don't clean the cappuccino machine?

Rachel: Of course I clean it. I mean, I,I will cleeeean it. I mean, I will cleeeean it.

Terry: Oh, all right, fine, fine, fine.

(Rachel goes back to Phoebe.)

Rachel: Done.

Phoebe: Really?

Rachel: Yeah. Who's workin' for you babe?

Phoebe: Oh! Oh my god. This is so exciting. How much am I gonna get?

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: Well you said that he's paying the people who are playing.

Rachel: Oh, no, no no. I meant that he's gonna be paying that other woman beause she's a professional.

Phoebe: Well, I'm not gonna be the only one who's not getting paid.

Rachel: Well, but Pheebs...

Phoebe: No, huh uh, I'm sorry, no. No, I'm not some like sloppy second, charity band. You know what, there are thousands of places in this city where people would be happy to pay to hear me play. 

[Time Lapse, Phoebe is on the sidewalk in front of Central Perk singing.]

Phoebe: (singing, angrily) When I play, I play for me, I don't need your charity. (Someone puts a coin in her guitar case) Thank you! La la la la la la la....

[Scene: The Hospital, Ross and Monica are waiting for the doctor.]

Ross: Well, there's no way I'm gonna get a shot. Maybe they can take the needle and thquirt it into my mouth, you know, like a thquirt gun. 

Doctor: (entering) Hello, there. I'm Dr. Carlin. I see someone's having an allergic reaction.

Monica: Doctor, can I see you for just a minute please? My brother has a slight phobia about needles.

Ross: (to Monica) Did you tell him about my thquirt gun idea?

Monica: My brother, the PhD would like to know if there's any way to treat this orally. 

Doctor: No, under these circumstances it has to be an injection, and it has to be now.

Ross: Tho?

(Monica shakes her head.)

Ross: Ohhh.

Monica: That's good, have a seat. Um, the doctor says it's gotta be a needle. You're just gonna have to be brave, ok? Can you do that for me?

Ross: Ok.

Monica: Ok. Oh boy. You are doin' so good. You wanna squeeze my hand? 

Ross: Yes!

Monica: Okay. (He grabs her hand.) All right, Ross, don't squeeze it so hard. Honey, really, don't squeeze it so hard! (The doctor puts in the needle.) Oh, Ross! Let go of my hand!

[Scene: A Street, Chandler and Joey are still trying to pick up women with Ben.]

Chandler: That's a good plan, Joe. Next time we wanna pick up women, we should just go to the park and make out. Taxi, taxi!

Joey: Hey, hey, look at that talent. (Motions to two girls waiting for the bus.)

Chandler: (to taxi driver) Just practicing. You're good. Carry on.

(Chandler and Joey run to get on the bus.)

Chandler: Wait-wait-wait-wait!

Joey: Wait!  Wait!

[Cut to on the bus.]

Girl No. 1: Hey, you. He's just adorable.

Chandler: Ok, but can you tell him that, because he thinks he's too pink.

Girl No. 2: So what are you guys out doing today?

Joey: Oh we're not out. No, no. We're just uh, two heterosexual guys, hanging with the son of our other heterosexual friend, doin' the usual straight guy stuff.

Chandler: (to Joey) You done?

Joey: Yeah.

Girl No. 1: Oh, there's our stop.

Joey: Get outta here. This is our stop too.

Girl No. 2: You guys live around here too?

Joey: Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. We live in the building by the uh sidewalk.

Chandler: You know it?

Joey: Hey, look, since we're neighbors and all, what do you say we uh, get together for a drink?

(They all get off the bus.)

Girl No. 1: So uh, you wanna go to Marquel's?

Chandler: Oh, sure, they love us over there.

Girl No. 2: Where's your baby?

Chandler and Joey: (running after bus) Ben! Ben! Ben! 

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Street, continued from earlier.  Chandler and Joey are still chasing the bus.]

Joey:  Ben!

Chandler: Oh, that's good. Maybe he'll hear you and pull the cord.

Chandler and Joey: Stop the bus! Wait! Wait! Wait! 

(They run around and corner and see three buses pulling away.)

[The Hospital: Monica and Ross are getting Monica's hand looked at.]

Monica: Are you sure he didn't break it because it really hurts?

Doctor: No, it's just a good bone bruise. And, right here (pointing to the X-ray) is the puncture wound from your ring.

Ross: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. Sorry. Sorry! Hey! Hey! I got my s's back! Which we can celebrate later. Celebrate. 

[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is still singing.]

Phoebe: (singing) ... with the double double double-jointed boy. (A woman carrying a guitar case walks up.) Hey. So um, are you the professional guitar player?

Stephanie: Yeah. I'm Stephanie.

Phoebe: Right. My name was on there (The chalk sign out front), but now it just says "carrot cake". So, um, so um, how many chords do you know?

Stephanie: All of them. 

Phoebe: Oh yeah, so you know D?

Stephanie: Yeah.

Phoebe: Ok, do you know A minor?

Stephanie: Yeah.

Phoebe: Ok, do you know how to go from D to A minor?

Stephanie: Yeah.

Phoebe: Ok. Um, so does your guitar have a strap?

Stephanie: No.

Phoebe: Oh. Mine does. (singing) Stephanie knows all the chords. (makes a face)

[Scene: A Street, Chandler and Joey are standing in front of a pay phone.]

Chandler: (on pay phone) Come on, pick up, pick up! Hello? Transit Authority? Yes, hello. I'm doing research for a book, and I was wondering what someone might do if they left a baby on a city bus. (Listens) Yes I do realize that would be a very stupid character.

Joey: (grabbing the phone) Hi, here's the deal. We lost a carseat on a bus today. It's white plastic, with a handle, and it fits onto a stroller. Oh, and there was a baby in it. (Listens) (to Chandler) He wants to talk to you again.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is introducing Stephanie.]

Rachel: Ok, everybody, let's give a uh nice warm Central Perk welcome to...

Phoebe: (outside singing angrily) Terry's a jerk, and he won't let me work, and I hate Central Perk!

Rachel: Uh, to Stephanie Schiffer.

Stephanie: Thank you. I'd like to start with a song that I wrote for the first man I ever loved. (singing) Zachary.

Phoebe: (singing/screaming) You're all invited to bite me!

[Scene: City of New York Department of Health Services, Chandler and Joey run in.]

Chandler and Joey: Hi. We're the guys who called about the baby. We left the baby on ths bus. Is he here? Is he here?

Health Services Guy: He's here. (Chandler and Joey hug each other in relief) I'm assuming one of you is the father.

Chandler: That's me.

Joey: I'm him.

Chandler: Actually, uh, we're both the father. (Puts his arm around Joey)

[Cut to a back room, Chandler and Joey run into it and over to two different cribs with two different babies.]

Chandler and Joey: Oh, Ben! Hey, buddy!

Chandler: Please tell me you know which one is our baby.

Joey: Well, well that one has ducks on his t-shirt, and this one has clowns. And Ben was definitely wearing ducks.

Chandler: Ok.

Joey: Or clowns. Oh, oh wait. That one's definitely Ben. Remember, he had that cute little mole by his mouth.

Chandler: Yeah?

Joey: Yeah.

Chandler: Hey, Ben, remember us? Ok, the mole came off.

Joey: Ahh!

Chandler: What're we gonna do? What're we gonna do?

Joey: Uh, uh, we'll flip for it. Ducks or clowns.

Chandler: Oh, we're gonna flip for the baby?

Joey: You got a better idea? 

Chandler: All right, call it in the air.

Joey: Heads.

Chandler: Heads it is.

Joey: Yes! Whew!

Chandler: We have to assign heads to something.

Joey: Right. Ok, ok, uh, ducks is heads, because ducks have heads.

Chandler: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is standing by the door and looking at Phoebe counting her money as Stephanie is singing.]

Stephanie: (singing) Just call me angel of the monring.  Angel!  Just touch my cheek before you leave me. Oh baby.  Just call me angel of the morning.   Angel!  And slowly turn away.  I won't beg you to stay, with me.

(Rachel goes outside.)

Rachel: Hey.

Phoebe: Oh, hi.

Rachel: Here. I thought you might be cold. (Hands her a cup of coffee.)

Phoebe: Thank you.

Rachel: Whoa, look at you, you did pretty well.

Phoebe: Eight dollars and 27 cents. But not really, 'cause I put in the first two, just to, you know, get the ball rolling, and to make myself feel better.

Rachel: Do you?

Phoebe: No. This whole like playing-for-money thing is so not good for me. You know, I don't know, when I sang "Su-Su-Suicide," I got a dollar seventy-five. But then, "Smelly Cat," I got 25 cents and a condom. So you know, now I just feel really bad for Smelly Cat.

Rachel: Well, you know, honey, I don't think everybody gets Smelly Cat. You know, I mean, if all you've ever actually had are healthy pets, then, whoosh! (Waves her hand over her head.)

Phoebe: It's not even that. I used to do my songs because it made me happy, but now it's like, it's just all about the money.

Rachel: Well, people missed you in there. And in fact, there was actually a request for "Smelly Cat."

Phoebe: Really? From who?

Rachel: Well, from me. And I know it's not your big money song, but it's my favorite.

(A kid runs up, who looks like, or will look a lot like Phoebe's brother.)

Kid: Hi. Uh, did I accidentally drop a condom in your case? It's kind of an emergency.

Phoebe: Yeah. Here you go.

Kid: Thanks a lot. Hey Christine, I got it!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross are sitting on the couch.]

Ross: I just wanna thank you for being there for me today. And I'm sorry I,I almost broke your hand.

Monica: That's ok. I'm sorry I poisoned you.

Ross: Yeah. Hey, remember the time I jammed that pencil into your hand?

Monica: Remember it? What do you think this is, a freckle? (Points to her hand.)

Ross: Oh.

Monica: Wait, what about the time I hit you in the face with the Silvian's pumpkin?

Ross: Oh, man. Oh, remember when I stuck that broom in your bike spokes, and you flipped over and hit your head on the curb? 

Monica: No. But I remember people telling me about it.

Ross: I hope Ben has a little sister.

Monica: Yeah. I hope she can kick his ass.

Ross: I'm gonna get a new band-aid. Hey, how 'bout the time I cut the legs off your Malibu Ken?

Monica: That was you?!

Ross: They, uh, were infected. He wouldn't have made it.

(Chandler and Joey enter with what they hope is Ben.)

Monica: Aw, my little nephew. Come here, little one. There's my little baby Ben. Hey, my little boy. (She picks him up.) Hey, he's not crying.

Chandler: (looking fearfully at Joey) Hey, he's not crying.

(Ben starts crying)

Joey: Yes! (Monica looks at him.) There's still pie.

Ross: I'm here. How's my little boy? Want Daddy to change your diaper? So, did you have fun with Uncle Joey and Uncle Chandler today?

Joey: Oh, yeah, he rode the bus today.

Ross: Ohhh. Big boy, riding the bus桯ey, I have a question. How come it says Property of Human Services on his butt?

Chandler: You, you are gonna love this. 

Ross: (to Monica) Will you hold Ben for a sec? (Hands Ben off and starts to chase Joey and Chandler.) Come here. Come here.

Chandler: (picking up the pie) Stay back, I've got kiwi. Run, Joey, Run!

Closing Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is teaching Smelly Cat to Stephanie.]

Stephanie: (singing) Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?

Phoebe: No, no, no. I'm sorry. It's "smelly cat, smel-ly cat."

Stephanie: Smelly cat, smel-ly cat...

Phoebe: Better. Yeah.

Stephanie: Yeah?

Phoebe: Yeah, much better. And you know what, don't feel bad, because it's a hard song.

Stephanie: Yeah. 

Phoebe: You wanna try it again?

Stephanie: Yeah. From the top?

Phoebe: Ok, there is no top. That's the beauty of Smelly Cat. Um, why don't you just follow me?

Stephanie: Ok.

Phoebe: Mmmm hmmm.

Together: Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, it's not your fault.

(Stephanie does a little riff on her guitar.)

Phoebe: That's too much. Sorry.

End


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The One Where Ross Finds Out

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Written by: Michael Borkow
Transcribed by: Josh Hodge
With Minor Adjustments by: Dan Silverstein


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Everyone is sitting at the couches, Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Okay, what is it about me? Do I not look fun enough? Is there something. . . repellent. . . about me?

Rachel: So, how was the party?

Chandler: Well it couldn't have been worse. A woman literally passed through me. Okay, so what is it, am I hideously unattractive?

Phoebe: No, you are not, you are very attractive. You know what, I go through the exact same thing. Every time I put on a little weight, I start questioning everything.

Chandler: Woah, woah, I've put on a little weight?

Phoebe: No, not weight... y'know, more like insulation.

Monica: Chandler, I'm unemployed and in dire need of a project. Ya wanna work out? I can remake you.

Chandler: Oh, you know, I would, but that might get in the way of my lying around time.

Monica: Please.

All: C'mon. Let her. Yeah.

Chandler: All right, Okay, all right. But if we put on spandex and my boobs are bigger than yours, I'm goin' home.

Phoebe: Your boobs are fine. look, I never should have said anything. Come here. Come here. (hugs Chandler but holds her hands apart behind his back) Oh, can't make.... hands... meet....

Opening Credits

[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler comes out wearing spandex, jogging in place. Monica is there.]

Chandler: Okay, let's do it. (Monica looks at him funny) What?

Monica: Nothing, just never seen you in little stretchy pants before.

Chandler: And we're changing. (jogs back in his apartment)

[Cut to the city street. Monica and Chandler are jogging. Chandler is lagging behind so he hops in a cab and takes off, leaving Monica behind]

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is doing sit-ups.]

Monica: C'mon give me five more. Five more.

Chandler: (weakly) No.

Monica: Five more and I'll flash you.

Chandler: One. . . two. . . two and a half. Okay, just show me one of them.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are sitting on the couch. Rachel is working.]

Chandler: (slowly lifts coffee cup to his mouth) Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. (slowly sets the cup back down) Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. (Joey intercepts the cup and puts it down for him). She's insane, the woman is insane. It's before work, it's after work, it's during work. She's got me doing butt clenches at my desk. And now, they won't bring me my mail anymore.

(Phoebe enters.)

Rachel: Hey Pheebs, how'd it go with Scott last night?

Phoebe: Oh, um, it was nice. Took him to a romantic restaurant, ordered champagne, nice.

Joey: The guy still won't put out, huh?

Phoebe: Nope. Zilch, nothin', uh-uh.

All: Sorry Pheebs.

Phoebe: look, I, y'know, I don't mind taking it slow, I like him a lot, y'know he's really interesting and he's really sweet and why won't he give it up?

Joey: Maybe he, uhh... drives his car on the other side of the road, if ya know what I mean.

Phoebe: No, whad'ya mean? He's not British.

Joey: Maybe he's. . . gay.

Phoebe: Oohh, um, no, I don't think that's the problem. 'Cause we went, um, dancing the other night and the way he held me so close, and the way he was looking into my eyes I just like... definitely felt something.

Rachel: Yeah, but how much can you tell from a look?

Phoebe: No, I felt it on my hip. You could tell.

(Monica enters.)

Monica: (to Chandler) Yo, Bing. Racquetball in 15 minutes.

Chandler: Joey, be a pal. Lift up my hand and smack her with it.

Phoebe: (seeing Ross kissing Julie outside the window) Ooh, oh, Rachel, don't look.

Rachel: What? (looks, feigns indifference) C'mon you guys, I don't care, I have a date tonight.

Joey: Woah, woah, woah, you have a date?

Rachel: Yeah, Monica's settin' me up.

Joey: But uh, uh, what about uh, Ross and uh. . .

Rachel: Oh what, my whole insane jealousy thing? Well, y'know, as much fun as that was, I've decided to opt for sanity.

Chandler: So you really Okay about all this?

Rachel: Oh yeah, c'mon, I'm movin' on. He can press her up against that window as much as he wants. For all I care, he can throw her through the damn thing.

(Ross and Julie enter.)

Ross: Hi guys.

All: Hey.

Ross: Oh, Monica, I figured I'd come by tomorrow morning and pick up Fluffy's old cat toy, Okay?

Monica: Only if you say his full name.

Ross: (reluctantly) Can I come over tomorrow and pick up Fluffy Meowington's cat toy.

Monica: All right.

Joey: (to Ross) You're getting a cat?

Ross: Uh, actually, we're getting a cat.

Rachel: Together?

Ross: Uh huh.

Rachel: Both of you?

Ross: Yep.

Rachel: Together.

Julie: Yeah, we figure it'll live with Ross half the time, and with me half the time.

Rachel: Ohh, well, isn't that just lovely. That's something the two of you will be able to enjoy for a really, really, really, really, really long time.

Ross: Hopefully.

Rachel: Well. (looks at watch) Woah, look at that! I gotta go, I gotta date. With a man. Um, Okay, you guys have a really, uh, have a really good night and you two have a, uh, have a, uh, really good cat. (she leaves carrying her tray then comes back in) Okay, we're not supposed to take these when we leave.

[Scene: A Restaurant, Rachel is on her date with Michael.]

Michael: I don't know if Monica told you but this is the first date I've gone on since my divorce so, if I seem a little nervous, I am.

Rachel: (distracted) How long do cats live?

Michael: (confused) I'm sorry?

Rachel: Cats, how long do they live figuring you don't... y'know, throw 'em under a bus or something?

Michael: Um, maybe 15, 16 years.

Rachel: That's just great. (she picks up her champagne and starts drinking)

Michael: Um, cheers.

Rachel: Oh, right, clink. (downs her glass)

Michael: Monica told you I was cuter that this, didn't she?

Rachel: Oh, no, Michael, it's not you. I'm sorry, it's just, it's this thing. It's probably not as bad as it sounds but this friend of mine is, is getting a cat with his girlfriend.

Michael: Oh, that does sound. . .Ahh.

Rachel: I mean he just started going out with her.

Michael: Is this guy, uhh, an old boyfriend?

Rachel: Ah, hah-hah-hah-ho, yeah, he wishes. Oh, I'm sorry, look at me. Okay, Michael, let's talk about you. 

Michael: All right.

Rachel: Okay, Okay. So, you ever get a pet with a girlfriend?

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Joey are sitting on the couch.]

Phoebe: So, I figured it out.

Joey: What?

Phoebe: Why Scott doesn't want to sleep with me. It's 'cause I'm not sexy enough.

Joey: Phoebe, that's crazy. When I first met you, you know what I said to Chandler? I said, "Excellent butt, great rack."

Phoebe: Really? That's so sweet. I mean, I'm officially offended but, sweet.

Joey: Pheebs look, if you want to know what the deal is, you're just gonna have to ask him.

Phoebe: You're right, you're right. Ah, you are so yumm. (they hug)

(Outside the window, Monica and Chandler jog up. Monica playfully pushes him. They start pushing and slapping harder and harder until Monica pushes him down. Chandler stands up, with a serious expression, and chases her away.)

[Scene: A Restaurant, Rachel pours the last of the champagne bottle in her glass.]

Rachel: (obviously drunk) I mean, it's a cat, y'know, it's a cat. Why can't they get one of those bugs, y'know, one of those fruit flies, those things that live for like a day or something? (belligerently) What're they called, what're they called, what're they called?

Michael: Fruit flies?

Rachel: Yes! Thank you.

(The waiter comes to the table.)

Waiter: So, would you like any dessert?

Michael: No! No dessert, just a check, please.

Rachel: Oh, you're not having fun, are you?

Michael: No, no, I am, but only because for the last hour and a half I've been playing the movie Diner in my head.

Rachel: Oh, Look at me, Look at me. Oh, I'm on a date with a really great guy, all I can think about is Ross and his cat and his... Julie. I just want to get over him. gosh, why can't I do that?

Michael: Oy. Look, I've been through a divorce, trust me you're gonna be fine. You just can't see it now because you haven't had any closure.

Rachel: Yeah! Closure. That's what it is, that's what I need. God, you're brilliant! Why didn't I think of that? How do I get that?

Michael: Well, you know, there's no one way really, it's just, you know, whatever it takes so that you can finally say to him, "I'm over you."

Rachel: Closure, that's what it is. Closure. (she Looks around the restaurant, spotting a guy with a cellular phone) Hello, excuse me. Excuse me, hel梬oo (she almost falls out of her chair)

Guy: Hang on.

Rachel: Hello, excuse me.

Guy: What.

Rachel: Hi, I'm sorry, I need to borrow your phone for just one minute.

Guy: I'm talkin'!

Rachel: I can see that. I梛ust one phone call, I'll be very quick, I'll even pay for it myself. (man is still reluctant) Okay, you're bein' a little weird about your phone.

Guy: All right, fine. (on the phone) I'll call you back. (hands the phone to her)

Rachel: Thank you. Okay. (dials) (to Michael) Machine. Just waiting for the beep.

Michael: Good.

Rachel: (on phone) Ross, hi, it's Rachel. I'm just calling to say that um, everything's fine and I'm really happy for you and your cat who, by the way, I think you should name Michael. And, you know, ya see there I'm thinking of names so obviously, I am over you. I am over you and that, my friend, is what they call closure. (hangs up and tosses phone in the ice bucket)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is answering the door in his robe.]

Chandler: No, no, no, no, no, no (opens door to Monica) No. Monica, it's Sunday morning. I'm not running on a Sunday.

Monica: Why not?

Chandler: Because it's Sunday. It's God's day.

Monica: Okay, if you say stop, then we stop.

Chandler: Okay, stop.

Monica: No, c'mon, we can't stop, c'mon, we've got three more pounds to go. I am the energy train and you are on board. Woo-woo, woo-woo, woo-woo (Chandler walks out of the apartment, leaving Monica) Woo.

[Scene: Rachel and Monica's, Rachel is taking aspirin.]

Ross: (entering) Hey Rach.

Rachel: Ahhhh.

Ross: Oh. And how was the date? 

Rachel: Umm, I think there was a restaurant... I know there was wine. . .

(Rachel looks at Ross as though she remembers something, but can't place what it is.)

Ross: Wow, well uh, uh, actually, Julie's downstairs getting a cab, I just need the cat toy, did Monica say. . . What? Why, why are you looking at me like that?

Rachel: I don't know, I, I feel like I had a dream about you last night but I, I don't remember.

Ross: Okay. Oh, oh, oh. (runs over and picks up the cat toy)

Rachel: Did we speak on the phone last night? Did you call me?

Ross: No, I stayed at Julie's last night.

Rachel: Huh.

Ross: Oh, actually I haven't even been home yet. Do you mind if I check my messages?

Rachel: Oh yeah, go ahead. (Rachel walks in her room. Ross picks up the phone and dials his machine to check his messages.)

Ross: Rach, I got a message from you. (pauses) Who's Michael?

(Rachel comes out of her room, suddenly she remembers leaving the message.)

Rachel: Oh my God. Oh my God Ross, no, hang up the phone, give me the phone Ross, give me the phone, give me the phone, give me the. . . (jumps the couch and lands on Ross's back, finally getting the phone from him. Ross has a confused expression on his face.)

Ross: You're over me?

Rachel: Ohhhhhhhh God. (climbs off his back)

Ross: Wha... you're uh, you're, you're over me?

Rachel: Ohh, ohh.

Ross: When, when were you... under me? Rach. Rachel do you, I mean, were you, uh. . . What?

Rachel: Ohh, Okay, Okay, Okay, well, basically, lately, I've uh, I've uh, sort of had feelings for you.

Ross: You've had feelings for me?

Rachel: Yeah, what, so? You had feelings for me first.

Ross: Woah. Huh. You know about my, I mean, you know I had... you know?

Rachel: Chandler told me.

Ross: Chandler. When did he... when did he... when did he?

Rachel: When you were in China.

Ross: China.

Rachel: Meeting Julie.

Ross: Julie. Julie. That. Oh God. Julie, right. Okay, I need to lie down. No, ya know, I'm gonna stand. I'm gonna stand, I'm gonna walk, I'm walkin' and I am standing. Okay so you uh, and now wha... and now, now, now you're over me?

Rachel: Are you over me?

(A moment of silence.) 

Ross: (doorbell buzzes) That's, that's Julie. Ju... Julie, Julie. (talks on intercom) Hi Julie.

Julie: (over intercom) Hi honey, I've got a cab waiting.

Ross: (perky) I'll be right down.

Rachel: Wait, so, you're going?

Ross: Well, Okay, I uh, I have to. I can't deal with this right now. I mean, I've uh, y'know, I've got a cab, I've got a girlfriend, I'm... I'm gonna go get a cat.

Rachel: Okay, Okay.

Ross: Cat. (leaves)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching a rabbi play an electric guitar on TV.]

Phoebe: (entering) Hey Joey.

Joey: Hey Pheebs.

Phoebe: How come you're watching a rabbi play electric guitar?

Joey: I can't find the remote. (Phoebe turns off the TV) Thank you.

Phoebe: So, Scott asked me to come over for lunch today and I did.

Joey: And?

Phoebe: And we did.

Joey: All right Pheebs, way to go.

Phoebe: Yay me.

Joey: So, so how did it happen?

Phoebe: Well, I finally took your advice and asked him what was going on.

Joey: And what did he say?

Phoebe: He said that, um, he understands how sex can be like, a very emotional thing for a woman and he was just afraid that I was gonna get all, y'know, like, 'ohh, is he gonna call me the next day' and, y'know, 'where is this going' and, ya know, blah-la-la-la-la. So he said he wanted to hold off until he was prepared to be really serious.

Joey: Wow.

Phoebe: Yeah, so I said, "Okay, relax please," y'know, I mean, sex can be just about two people right there in the moment, y'know, it's, if he wants to see me again he can call and if not, that's fine too. So after a looooot of talking. . . I convinced him.

Joey: Let me get this straight. He got you to beg to sleep with him, he got you to say he never has to call you again, and he got you thinking this was a great idea.

Phoebe: Um-hum.

Joey: This man is my God.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is closing up and Ross comes in.]

Rachel: Hi.

Ross: I didn't get a cat.

Rachel: Oh, that's um, interesting.

Ross: No, no it's not interesting. Okay, it's very, very not interesting. In fact it's actually 100 percent completely opposite of interesting.

Rachel: All right, I got it Ross.

Ross: You had no right to tell me you ever had feelings for me.

Rachel: (hurt) What?

Ross: I was doing great with Julie before I found out about you.

Rachel: Hey, I was doin' great before I found out about you. You think it's easy for me to see you with Julie?

Ross: Then you should have said something before I met her.

Rachel: I didn't know then. And how come you never said anything to me.

Ross: There was never a good time.

Rachel: Right, you, you only had a year. We only hung out every night.

Ross: Not, not, not every night. You know, and... and it's not like I didn't try, Rachel, but things got in the way, y'know? Like, like Italian guys or ex-fianc閟 or, or, or Italian guys.

Rachel: Hey, there was one Italian guy, Okay, and do you even have a point?

Ross: The point is I... I don't need this right now, Okay. It, it's too late, I'm with somebody else, I'm happy. This ship has sailed.

Rachel: Yeah, what're you saying, you just sort of put away feelings or whatever the hell it was you felt for me?

Ross: Hey, I've been doin' it since the ninth grade, I've gotten pretty damn good at it.

Rachel: All right, fine, you go ahead and you do that, all right Ross.

Ross: Fine.

Rachel: 'Cause I don't need your stupid ship.

Ross: Good.

Rachel: Good. (Ross leaves) 

(Rachel gets up and opens the door, yelling after him.)

Rachel: And ya know what, now I've got closure.

(Rachel slams the door and locks it. She sits down, visibly upset. She puts her head in her hands and begins to cry. Ross comes back and is standing outside the window. When Rachel regroups and gets back up to finish closing, she sees him. She smiles. She goes to open the door and can't get the lock undone.)

Ross: Try the bottom one.

(She opens the door and they kiss.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler answers the door to find Monica.]

Chandler: Monica, it's 6:30 in the morning. We're not working out, it's over.

Monica: No way, with one pound to go, c'mon. We're workin', we're movin', we're in the zone we're groovin'.

Chandler: Okay, I don't, I don't mind the last pound. Okay, in fact I kind of like the last pound. Okay, so don't make me do anything that I'll regret.

Monica: Ooh, what'cha gonna do, fat boy, huh? What?

Chandler: Nothing, except tell you, uh, I think it's wonderful how much energy you have.

Monica: Well, thanks.

Chandler: I mean, especially considering how tough it's been for you to find work.

Monica: Well, you know.

Chandler: You know, I mean, you can't tell your parents you were fired because they'd be disappointed.

Monica: (sad) Uh-huh.

Chandler: And it's not as if you have a boyfriend's shoulder to cry on.

Monica: Well no, but um.

Chandler: I mean, if it were me, I think I'd have difficulty just getting out of bed at all.

Monica: Y'know, I try to stay positive. . .

Chandler: So, you feel like goin' for a run?

Monica: All right.

Chandler: Because, you know, you don't have to. If you want, you could just take a nap right here.

Monica: Okay. Just for a little while.

Chandler: Okay. (Puts an afghan over her and dances into his room)

End


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The One With the List

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Originally written by Marta Kauffman and David Crane
Trascribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips [mmatting@indiana.edu]
Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel are there, discussing the night before.]

RACH: Ross kissed me.

MNCA: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!

RACH: It was unbelievable!

MNCA: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!

PHOE: Ok, all right. We want to hear everything. Monica, get the wine and unplug the phone. Rachel, does this end well or do we need to get tissues?

RACH: Oh, it ended very well.

PHOE: Oh.

MNCA: [getting the wine] Do not start without me. Do not start without me.

PHOE: Ok, all right, let's hear about the kiss. Was it like, was it like a soft brush against your lips? Or was it like a, you know, a "I gotta have you now" kind of thing?

RACH: Well, at first it was really intense, you know. And then, oh, god, and then we just sort of sunk into it.

PHOE: Ok, so, ok, was he holding you? Or was his hand like on your back?

RACH: No, actually first they started on my waist. And then, they slid up, and then, they were in my hair.

PHOE/MNCA: Ohhhh.

[Scene: Ross' apartment. Ross, Chandler, and Joey are there eating pizza.]

ROSS: And, uh, and then I kissed her.

JOEY: Tongue?

ROSS: Yeah.

JOEY: Cool.

Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler are there; Chandler is showing everyone his new computer.]

CHAN: All right, check out this bad boy. 12 megabytes of ram. 500 megabyte hard drive. Built-in spreadsheet capabilities and a modem that transmits at over 28,000 b.p.s.

PHOE: Wow. What are you gonna use it for?

CHAN: [doggedly] Games and stuff.

MNCA: [reading the paper] There are no jobs. There are no jobs for me.

JOEY: [reading over her shoulder] Wait, here's one. Uh, would you be willing to cook naked?

MNCA: There's an ad for a naked chef?

JOEY: No, but if you're willing to cook naked, then you might be willing to dance naked. And then... [rubs his fingers together]

[Ross enters, distraught.]

ROSS: Hi.

PHOE: Hey, oh, so, um...how'd you make out last night?

ROSS: That, that is funny. That is painfully funny. No, wait. Wait, yeah, that's just painful

MNCA: Wait a minute. I thought last night was great.

ROSS: Yeah, it was, but...I get home, ok, and I see Julie's saline solution on my night table. And I'm thinking to myself, oh my god, what the hell am I doing? I mean, here I am, I am with Julie, this incredible, great woman, who I care about and who cares about me, and I'm like, what, am I just gonna throw all that away?

JOEY: You got all that from saline solution?

MNCA: We are talking about Rachel here. You and Rachel.

ROSS: Believe me, I've been dreaming about me and Rachel for ten years now. But now, I'm with Julie, so it's like me and Julie, me and Rachel, me and Julie, me and... [Rachel enters, carrying a tray]... Rachel. Rachel, Rachel.

RACH: [to Ross] Hey, you.

ROSS: How are you?

RACH: Good. How are you?

ROSS: Good.

[Julie enters.]

JULIE: Hi, honey.

ROSS: Hi, Julie. [nervous] Hi, Julie. Julie, um, how are you?

JULIE: Good.

ROSS: [uncomfortable] Good, so everybody's here. Everybody's good. So, were you gonna play something, Phoebe?

PHOE: Oh, well, actually.

ROSS: [impatient] Play it.

PHOE: Ok, all right.

JOEY: Hey, Julie, I didn't know you wore lenses.

JULIE: What?

ROSS: [to Joey] Ssshh.

PHOE: Ok, um, hi, hello, hi, ok, so, um, this is a song about a love triangle between three people that I made up. Um, it's called, um, "Two of Them Kissed Last Night". 

[Ross and Rachel look at each other and then at Phoebe, realizing the song is about their situation.]

PHOE: [singing] There was a girl, we'll call her Betty, and a guy let's call him Neil. Now I can't stress this point too strongly, this story isn't real. Now our Neil must decide, who will be the girl that he casts aside. Will Betty be the one who he loves truly? Or will it be the one who we'll call Ju...Loolie? He must decide, he must decide, even though I made him up, he must decide!

[Scene: Mr. Ratstatter's (RTST) office. Monica is there about a job.]

RTST: This is a nice resume. Nice, nice, nice. Muy impressivo.

MNCA: So, Mr. Rastatter, what exactly does this job entail? The ad wasn't too clear.

RTST: Mockolate.

MNCA: I'm sorry?

RTST: Mockolate. It's a completely synthetic chocolate substitute.

MNCA: Ohh.

[He pulls out a piece of Mockolate.]

RTST: Go ahead. Try a piece. Yeah, we think that Mockolate is even better than chocolate.

MNCA: All right. Mmm-mmm.

[She tastes it, and obviously hates it.]

RTST: Yeah?

MNCA: [disgusted, trying not to show it] I love how it crumbles. Now see, your chocolate doesn't do that.

RTST: No, ma'am. Well, anyhoo, we should be getting our F.D.A. approval any day now, hopefully, in time for Thanksgiving. See, the way we look at it, chocolate already dominates most of your major food-preparation holidays: Easter, Christmas, what have you.

MNCA: [still chewing] Mmm-mmm.

RTST: But, we're thinking, given the right marketing, we can make Thanksgiving the Mockolate holiday.

MNCA: Wow.

RTST: Aren't you going to swallow that?

MNCA: Just waiting for it to stop bubbling.

RTST: Yeah, isn't that great?

MNCA: [with false enthusiasm] Mmm.

RTST: Well, anyhoo, um, we are looking for a couple of chefs who can create some Thanksgiving-themed recipes. You think you might be interested?

MNCA: Abso...[swallows hard]...lutely. See, I love creating new recipes. I love Thanksgiving. And, well, now, I love Mockolate.

RTST: Really?

MNCA: Especially the after taste, you know, I'll tell ya, that'll last ya till Christmas.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Phoebe are there. Monica is suggesting Mockolate recipes to Phoebe.]

MNCA: How about Mockolate mousse?

PHOE: It's not, it's not very Thanksgiving-y.

MNCA: Ok, how about pilgrim Mockolate mousse?

PHOE: What makes it pilgrim?

MNCA: We'll put buckles on it.

[Rachel enters.]

RACH: Hey.

PHOE: Hey.

MNCA: Hey.

RACH: Did uh, Ross call?

MNCA: No, I'm sorry.

RACH: Why didn't he call? He's gonna stay with Julie, isn't he? He's gonna stay with her and she's going to be all, "Hi, I'm Julie, Ross picked me, and we're gonna to get married, have a lot of kids and dig up stuff together."

PHOE: No offense, but that sounds nothing like her.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Ross is up in arms about the Rachel/Julie situation.]

ROSS: I don't know what to do. What am I gonna do? I mean, this, this is like a complete nightmare.

CHAN: Oh, I know. This must be so hard. Oh, no. Two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight.

JOEY: Hey, here's a thought, Ross. [reaches for the computer]

CHAN: Don't touch the computer. Don't ever touch the computer.

JOEY: Ross, listen. I got two words for you. Threesome.

[Ross gives him an insulted look.]

CHAN: Ok, all right, look. Let's get logical about this, ok? We'll make a list. Rachel and Julie, pros and cons. Oh. We'll put their names in bold, with different fonts, and I can use different colors for each column.

ROSS: Can't we just use a pen?

CHAN: No, Amish boy.

JOEY: Ok, let's start with the cons, 'cause they're more fun. All right, Rachel first.

ROSS: I don't know. I mean, all right, I guess you can say she's a little spoiled sometimes.

JOEY: You could say that.

ROSS: And I guess, you know, sometimes, she's a little ditzy, you know. And I've seen her be a little too into her looks. Oh, and Julie and I, we have a lot in common 'cause we're both paleontologists, but Rachel's just a waitress.

CHAN: Waitress. Got it. You guys wanna play Doom? Or we could keep doing this. What else?

ROSS: I don't know.

JOEY: Oh, her ankles are a little chubby.

CHAN: Ok, let's do Julie. What's wrong with her?

ROSS: [long pause] She's not Rachel.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica has made food for Phoebe and Rachel to taste.]

MNCA: Ok, this is pumpkin pie with mockolate cookie crumb crust. This is mockolate cranberry cake, and these are mockolate chip cookies. Just like the Indians served.

[Rachel takes a bite.]

RACH: Oh my god.

MNCA: Oh my god good?

RACH: Oh my god, I can't believe you let me put this in my mouth.

[Rachel runs to the sink to spit it out.]

PHOE: Oh, oh sweet Lord! This is what evil must taste like!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is on the phone with a computer hotline.]

CHAN: I'm telling you this thing won't print. Yes, I pressed that button like 100 times. You know, for a hot line you are not so hot. What? What is that in the background? Are you watching Star Trek?

[Ross enters with a melancholy look.]

JOEY: [to Ross] Hey, so how'd it go with Julie? Did you, did you break her heart?

ROSS: Yes, it was horrible. She cried. I cried. She threw things, they hit me. Anyway, I did the right thing.

CHAN: [in phone] So, Spock actually hugs his father?

[Rachel enters.]

RACH: Hey, do you guys have...[sees Ross, pauses]...hi.

ROSS: Hi.

RACH: [sees his coat on] Where you goin'?

ROSS: I uh, I just got back from uh, from Julie's.

RACH: [dejected] Oh.

ROSS: No, no, uh, it's not what you think. It's um the other thing.

RACH: Well, what's the other thing, what do I think?

[Joey is looking at Rachel, smiling, and gesturing his head towards Ross.]

ROSS: Well, uh.

JOEY: He broke up with Julie. Well, go hug her, for god's sakes.

RACH: Really?

ROSS: Really. It's always been you, Rach.

[Ross and Rachel hug.]

RACH: Oh, god.

JOEY/CHAN: Ohhh.

RACH: Oh, oh, this is good, this is really good.

ROSS: I know, I know, it's, it's almost...[turns around, sees Chandler and Joey] What do you say we go take a walk, just us, not them?

RACH: Let me get my coat.

ROSS: Ok. No, hey, whoa, whoa, I'll get your coat.

[Ross leaves.]

RACH: Ok, he's goin' to get my coat. He's goin' to get my coat. Oh my god, you guys. I can't believe this. This is unbelievable. [notices Chandler's computer screen] What's that?

CHAN: [nervous] What? Nothing.

[Chandler closes up the laptop computer screen.]

RACH: What's that? What? I saw my name. What is it?

CHAN: No, no, see? See? [the printer starts to run] Hey, it's printing. [to Joey, rattled] Hey, it's printing!

[Chandler rips off the sheet of paper from the printer.]

RACH: Well what is it? Let me see.

[Ross walks back in, Rachel's coat in hand.]

ROSS: Hey, someone order a coat?

RACH: Ross, Chandler wrote something about me on his computer and he won't let me see.

ROSS: He won't? [remembers what it is] He won't! Because, isn't that, isn't that the, the short story you were writing?

CHAN: Yes, yes it is, short story, that I was writing.

RACH: And I'm in it? Then let me read it.

CHAN, JOEY, ROSS: No!

RACH: Come on.

JOEY: Hey, uh, why don't you read it to her?

[Ross and Chandler stare angrily at Joey, who thinks he has come up with a good idea.]

CHAN: [through gritted teeth] Alright. [clears his throat] "It was summer, and it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely gray couch. 'Oh, look,' cried Ned, and then the kingdom was his forever. The end."

ROSS: That's it? That's all you wrote? You're the worst writer in the whole world.

RACH: All right, you know what? This isn't funny anymore. There's something about me on that piece of paper and I want to see it.

ROSS: No, you don't.

RACH: All right, you know what, that's fine. If you guys want to be children about this, that's fine. I do not need to see it. [Rachel grabs the paper and runs across the room, reading it to herself.]

RACH: What is this? Ross, what is this?

CHAN: Good luck.

[Chandler and Joey leave quickly.]

ROSS: Ok, just, just remember how crazy I am about you, ok?

RACH: Kind of ditzy? Too into her looks? Spoiled?

ROSS: Now that's a little spoiled. He was supposed to type "little", the idiot.

RACH: Just a waitress?

ROSS: No, that, that was, I mean, as opposed to uh, the uh, ok. Is this over yet Rach?

RACH: Oh! I do not have chubby ankles!

[Rachel leaves, and Ross follows her into the hall.]

ROSS: No, no, wait, ok, ok, look at the other side. Look at Julie's column.

RACH: She is not Rachem. What the hell's a Rachem? Is that some stupid paleontology word that I wouldn't know because I'm just a waitress.

[She goes into her apartment and slams the door.]

ROSS: No, Rach, come on. Rach! Rach, no, no! She's not Rachel, she is, she is not, Ra--Rachel?

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Phoebe are there.]

CHAN: My diary! My diary, that's brilliant. I should have told her it was my diary, she never would have made me read her my diary.

MNCA: You know, that's true. You'd be a great person to have around the day after an emergency.

PHOE: I... I cannot believe Ross even made this list. What a dinkus.

JOEY: Hey, cut him some slack. It was Chandler's idea.

PHOE: What?

MNCA: What?

CHAN: Oh good, I was hoping that would come up.

MNCA: This was your idea?

PHOE: What were you thinking?

CHAN: [squirming] All right, let's get some perspective here, ok? These things, they happen for a reason.

MNCA: Yeah. You!

CHAN: All right, Pheebs, back me up here, ok? You believe in that karma crap, don't you?

PHOE: Yeah, by the way, good luck in your next life as a dung beetle.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting on the couch, eating candy. It is raining out. Ross climbs up the fire escape and is knocking on the window.]

ROSS: Rach! Whoops! Rach, hey, open up, please!

RACH: [coldly] When somebody does not buzz you in, Ross, that means go away. That doesn't mean please climb up the fire escape.

ROSS: I just wanna read something. It's your pro list.

RACH: Not interested.

[Rachel closes the drapes over the window, goes into her bedroom and closes the door.]

ROSS: [reading his list] Ok, ok, number one: The way you cry at game shows. Number two: how much you love your friends. Number three: the way you play with your hair when you're nervous. Number four: how brave you are for starting your life over. Number five: how great you are with Ben. 

[Monica, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe enter, confused.]

ROSS: Number six: the way you smell.

JOEY: [opens the drapes] Hey, Ross! What are you doin'?

ROSS: Hey, Joey. You wanna open the window?

JOEY: Oh, yeah, I do.

[He opens the window, Ross comes in, soaked.]

CHAN: What are you doing out there?

ROSS: I am, uh, I am...

MNCA: Oh, you must be freezing. You know what you need? How about a nice steaming cup of hot Mockolate?

[Ross runs to Rachel's bedroom, knocking on the door.]

ROSS: Rach, come on, open up. Rach, come on, come on, Rach. You got to give me another chance.

[Rachel opens the door.]

RACH: No.

ROSS: No?

RACH: That's what I said.

CHAN: Look, maybe we should go?

RACH: No, you guys, you really don't have to go, we're done talking.

ROSS: Rach, come on, look, I know how you must feel.

RACH: [near tears] No, you don't, Ross. Imagine the worst things you think about yourself. Now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you.

ROSS: No, but, but I wanna be with you in spite of all those things.

RACH: Oh, well, that's, that's mighty big of you, Ross. [to the others] I said don't go!

ROSS: You know what? You know what? If, things were the other way around, there's nothing you could put on a list that would ever make me not want to be with you.

RACH: Well, then, I guess that's the difference between us. See, I'd never make a list.

[She closes the door in his face. Ross walks sullenly back to the couch and sits down. A moment of silence ensues.]

JOEY: [quietly] I never know how long you're supposed to wait in this type of a situation before you can talk again, you know? [Ross stares blankly at him] Maybe a little longer.

[Scene: Mr. Ratstatter's office. Monica is there.]

MNCA: Now, in some of these recipes, the quantities may seem just a little unusual, uh, like these coconut mockolate holiday nut bars. I've indicated four cups of coconut, and four cups of crushed nut, and only, uh, one tablespoon of mockolate.

RTST: Doesn't matter.

MNCA: What?

RTST: Our FDA approval didn't come through. Something about laboratory rats.

MNCA: Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.

RTST: Yeah, well, anyhoo, here is your check. [hands it to her] Thank you for all the trouble you went through. Um, listen, you didn't eat a lot of it while you were cooking, did you?

MNCA: Well, uh, I ate some.

RTST: Oh, some, that's fine. Some is fine. Some is not a lot. So, it doesn't burn when you pee, does it?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Rachel are there.]

(phone rings)

MNCA: Hello?

[Ross is at his apartment.]

ROSS: Hi.

RACH: [to Monica] Is that him again? Tell him I'd come to the phone, but my ankles are weighin' me down.

MNCA: [to Ross] Listen, I... I don't think this is the best time.

ROSS: Look, can, can you do something for me?

MNCA: Sure, what? Ok, ok. [hangs up the phone] [to Rachel] Music?

[Monica turns on the radio.]

RADIO: The next one's dedicated to Rachel from Ross. Rachel, he wants you to know he's deeply sorry for what he did and he hopes you can find it in your heart to forgive him. (With or Without You plays) 

[Rachel seems touched. She pauses for a moment, then picks up the phone and starts to dial. Cut to Ross at his apartment.]

RADIO: Uh, we've just gotten a call from Rachel, and she told us what Ross did. It's pretty appalling, and Ross, if you're listening, I don't wanna play your song anymore. Why don't we devote our time to a couple that stands a chance? Avery, Michelle's sorry she hit you with her car and she hopes you two will work it out.

[Scene: Mr. Ratstatter's office. Monica is there.]

RTST: Hi, thanks for coming in again.

MNCA: Oh, not at all. I have no morals and I need the cash.

RTST: It's like I'm lookin' in a mirror. Anyway, they're called "fishtachios". They taste exactly like pistachios, but they're made primarily of reconstituted fish bits. Here, try one. You're not allergic to anything, are you?

MNCA: Cat hair.

RTST: Oh, sorry.

END 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The One With Phoebe's Dad

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Written by: Jeffrey Astroff & Mike Sikowitz
Transcribed by: Josh Hodge
With Minor Adjustments by: Dan Silverstein


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Rachel, Ross, and Phoebe are there. Phoebe is looking out the window.]

PHOEBE: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Ugly Naked Guy is decorating his tree. Oh my God, you should see the size of his Christmas Balls.

[Chandler and Joey enter.]

JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: Hey.

RACHEL: Hey.

JOEY: Hey, how much did you guys tip the super this year?

CHANDLER: Yeah, we were gonna give fifty, but if you guys gave more, we don't wanna look bad.

MONICA: Oh, actually this year we just made him homemade cookies.

CHANDLER: And twenty-five it is.

JOEY: You gave him cookies?

MONICA: Money is so impersonal. Cookies says someone really cares. . . Alright, we're broke, but cookies do say that.

PHOEBE: I can see that. A plate of brownies once told me a limerick.

CHANDLER: Phoebs, let me ask you something, were, were these, uh, funny brownies?

PHOEBE: Not especially. But you know what, I think they had pot in them.

ROSS: So you guys, who else did you tip with cookies?

RACHEL: Uhh, the mailman, the super.

[There's a bang at the door.]

MONICA: Oh, and the newspaper delivery guy.

[Joey opens the door and picks up the remnants of the newspaper.

JOEY: Oh my God.

RACHEL: What?

JOEY: Uhhh, I don't think you're gonna like this.

[Joey shows them the torn-up newspaper.]

RACHEL: Ooh, goooosh, ooh, these are cookies smashed in the sports section.

MONICA: Oh look, and he did my crossword puzzle.

ROSS: Yeah, but not very well, unless 14-across, 'Gershwin musical' actually is bitemebitemebitemebiteme.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Chandler, and Joey are seated at couches. Rachel is working behind the counter.]

JOEY: I can't believe it's Christmas already. Ya know, I mean, one day your eatin' turkey, the next thing ya know, your lords are a-leapin' and you geese are a-layin'.

CHANDLER: Which is why geese are so relaxed this time of year.

[Ross enters with several bags from shopping.]

ROSS: Hey guys.

CHANDLER, MONICA, and JOEY: Hey.

[Ross approaches Rachel at counter.]

ROSS: Hey Rach. I, uh, got you a little present. [Rachel is not impressed]. . I'll open it. It's a Slinky! Remember, huh. [sings] Walks down stairs, alone or in pairs, everyone knows it's. . . just a big spring. Alright, you still mad at me becuase of the whole. . .

RACHEL: Horrible and degrading list of reasons not to be with me?

ROSS: How 'bout from now on we just call it the 'unfortunate incident'? [Rachel walks off] Hey Gunther, you got stairs in your place?

GUNTHER: Yeah.

ROSS: Here, go nuts. [gives him the Slinky and goes and sits with others at the couches]

ROSS: Hey guys.

CHANDLER, MONICA, and JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: What's in the bag?

ROSS: Um, just some presents.

JOEY: C'mon show us what you bought. . . You know you want to.

ROSS: [childishly] OK. OK, this is a picture frame from Ben to my parents, huh.

MONICA: Cute.

ROSS: I got some, uh, hers and hers towels for Susan and Carol. And, uh, I got this blouse for mom.

[Ross holds up the blouse. It is extremely tacky, with sewn-on medals hanging off of it.]

MONICA: Ross, that is gorgeous!

ROSS: Yeah?

MONICA: Look at these authentic fake medals. I tell ya, mom's gonna be voted best dressed at the make-believe military academy.

[Phoebe enters.]

PHOEBE: Hey.

GANG: Hey. Hi Phoebe.

PHOEBE: Happy Christmas Eve Eve. [sees Ross's picture frame] Oh my God, where did you get this?

ROSS: Uh, Macy's, third floor, home furnishings.

PHOEBE: This is my father, this is a picture of my dad.

CHANDLER: Nah, Phoebs, that's the guy that comes in the frame.

PHOEBE: No it isn't, this is my dad, alright, I'll show you.

RACHEL: Phoebe, I thought your dad was in prison.

PHOEBE: No, that's my stepdad. My real dad's the one that ran out on us before I was born.

RACHEL: How have you never been on Oprah?

PHOEBE: [showing her pictures] OK, look, see, this is him. My mother gave me this picture before she died, same guy.

MONICA: Honey, uh, this is a picture of the frame guy posing in front of a bright blue screen with a collie.

PHOEBE: It's not a blue screen... it's just, maybe it was just really clear that day. OK, I have to talk to my grandmother. [turns to leave]

MONICA: Oh, wait a minute honey.

GANG: Phoebs. [Phoebe leaves]

MONICA: Wow.

JOEY: So anyway, I'm trying to get my boss's ex-wife to sleep with me. . .

GANG: Joey!

JOEY: Oh, but when Phoebe has a problem, everyone's all ears!

[Scene: Phoebe's grandmother's place. Phoebe's grandmother is sitting at the table, reading the obituaries, and crossing out names in the phonebook.]

GRANDMOTHER: Esther Livingston. [scratches out name] Gone.

[Phoebe enters.]

GRANDMOTHER: Hi, Phoe.

PHOEBE: Hi Gram. Whatcha doin'?

GRANDMOTHER: Oh, just updating the phonebook.

PHOEBE: Um, gram, um, can I see the pictures of my dad again?

GRANDMOTHER: [nervously] Oh. Oh, sure, sure, uh, uh, how come?

PHOEBE: Just, you know, to see... um.

GRANDMOTHER: Oh, sure, yeah. [gets a box with the pictures] This is the one of you father in a meadow, and, uh, helping a little boy fly a kite, and here he is at a graduation. . . another graduation. . . another graduation.

PHOEBE: OK, is this really my father?

GRANDMOTHER: Is it really your fa--I can't... well of course it is.

PHOEBE: OK, I smell smoke. Maybe that's 'cause someone's pants are on fire.

GRANDMOTHER: Look, I. . .

PHOEBE: Ya know, in all the years that we have been grandmother and granddaughter, you have never lied to me.

GRANDMOTHER: Alright, that is not your father, that's just a picture of a guy in a frame.

PHOEBE: Oh God.

GRANDMOTHER: It was your mother's idea. Ya know, she didn't want you to know your real father because it hurt her so much when he left, and, I didn't want to go along with it, but, well then she died and, and it was harder to argue with her. Not impossible, but harder.

PHOEBE: Alright, so, what, he's not a famous tree surgeon? And then, I guess, OK, he doesn't live in a hut in Burma where there's no phones?

GRANDMOTHER: Last I heard, he was a pharmacist somewhere upstate.

PHOEBE: OK, that makes no sense. Why would the villagers worship a pharmacist?

GRANDMOTHER: Honey.

PHOEBE: [realizes] Oh.

GRANDMOTHER: Anyway, that's all I know. That, and this. [pulls apart a frame and pulls a picture out] This is the real him.

PHOEBE: Oh.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel, Chandler, and Joey are decorating the Christmas tree.]

CHANDLER: Ya know I remember my father, all dressed up in the red suit, the big black boots, and the patent leather belt, sneakin around downstairs. He didn't want anybody to see him but he'd be drunk so he'd stumble, crash into something and wake everybody up.

RACHEL: Well, that doesn't sound like a very merry Christmas.

CHANDLER: Who said anything about Christmas?

[Monica and Ross enter.]

MONICA: Hi.

ROSS: Hey, anyone hear from Phoebe yet?

RACHEL: No, nothin'.

MONICA: I hope she's OK.

JOEY: Yeah, I know exactly what she's goin' through.

MONICA: How do you know exactly what she's going through?

JOEY: She told us.

CHANDLER: So whaddya got there Monica?

MONICA: Just some stuff for the party.

ROSS: Yeah, what're you guys doin' here, aren't you supposed to be Christmas shopping?

MONICA: You guys haven't gotten your presents yet? Tomorrow's Christmas Eve, what're ya gonna do?

CHANDLER: Don't you have to be Claymation to say stuff like that?

RACHEL: Oh, by the way Mon, I don't think the mailman liked your cookies. Here are the ornaments your mom sent. [hands her a smashed box]

MONICA: Well, maybe the mailman liked the cookies, we just didn't give him enough.

JOEY: Monica, pigeons learn faster that you.

[Ross approaches Rachel, away from everyone else.]

ROSS: Hey, Rach, you know what? I think, I think I know what'll make you feel better. How 'bout you make a list about me.

RACHEL: Wha... forget it Ross, no, I am not gonna stand here and make a list of. . .

ROSS: C'mon Rachel.

RACHEL: OK, you're whiney, you are, you're obsessive, you are insecure, you're, you're gutless, you know, you don't ever, you don't just sort of seize the day, you know. You like me for what, a year, you didn't do anything about it. And, uh, oh, you wear too much of that gel in your hair.

ROSS: See there, you uhh, alright, ya, you did what I said.

RACHEL: Yeah, and you know what? You're right, I do feel better, thank you Ross. [she walks off and Ross puts his hand to his hair]

[Scene: Back at Phoebe's. She is on the phone]

PHOEBE: Yeah, um, in Albany, can I have the number of Frank Buffay. . . OK, um, in Ithica. . . alright, um, Saratoga. . . Oneonta. Alright, you know what, you shouldn't call youself information. [hangs up]

[Phoebe's grandmother enters]

GRANDMOTHER: Hey.

PHOEBE: Hello grandma, if that is in fact your real name.

GRANDMOTHER: C'mon now Phoe, don't still be mad at me. How's it going?

PHOEBE: Well, not so good. Upstate's pretty big, he's pretty small, you do the math.

GRANDMOTHER: Well, I think you're better off without him. Oh honey, I know he's your daddy but, but to me he's still the irresponsible creep who knocked up your mom and stole her Gremlin.

PHOEBE: No I just, just wanted to know who he was, ya know.

GRANDMOTHER: I know. OK, I wasn't completely honest with you when I told you that, uh, I didn't know exactly where he lived.

PHOEBE: Whattaya mean?

GRANDMOTHER: He lives at 74 Laurel Drive in Middletown. If you hit the Dairy Queen, you've gone too far. You can take my cab.

PHOEBE: Wow. Thank you.

GRANDMOTHER: Now, remember, nobody else drives that cab.

PHOEBE: Uh-huh, got it. Ooh, I'm gonna see my dad. Wish me luck, Grandpa! [blows a kiss to a picture of Einstein]



Commercial
[Scene: Chandler is standing on a street corner waiting for Phoebe in the cab. Joey walks up.]

JOEY: Phoebe here with the cab yet?

CHANDLER: Yeah, she, she brought the invisible cab. . . hop in.

JOEY: Well she better get here soon, the outlet stores close at 7.

CHANDLER: Hey, don't worry. I figure it'll be 2 hours to Phoebe's dad's house, they'll meet, they'll chat, they'll swap life stories, we'll still have plenty of time.

[Phoebe drives up in the cab]

JOEY: Hey, here she comes.

Chandler: Hey.

JOEY: Hey.

[Phoebe runs over the curb. Joey gets in the back seat, Chandler in the front]

PHOEBE: Hey.

JOEY: Hey.

PHOEBE: Can you believe this. In, like, two hours I'm gonna have a dad. Eeeshk.

CHANDLER: Eeeshk.

JOEY: Yeah, big stuff.

PHOEBE: OK, let's go.

CHANDLER: OK.

PHOEBE: Alright, here, you have to hold this. [hands Chandler a piece of paper]

CHANDLER: OK. [reads paper] Brake left, gas right?

PHOEBE: Uh-huh, yeah, that's my cheat sheet.

CHANDLER: [grabs for seat belt] Where's my seat belt?

PHOEBE: Oh, no no, that side doesn't have one, the paramedics had to cut through it. [Chandler jumps out of the car]

CHANDLER: [Chandler gets in the back seat] Hey!

JOEY: Hey. [Phoebe takes off, Joey and Chandler are thrown back in the seat]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is preparing for the party with Ross questioning her.]

ROSS: C'mon, just tell me, please, please.

MONICA: For the sixteenth time, no... I do not think you're obsessive.

[Rachel enters from her room]

RACHEL: Oh, gosh, it's hot in here.

MONICA: Rach, get the heat. [Rachel holds up her hand with wet fingernail polish] Ross, could you turn the heat down please?

ROSS: Sure. By the way, there's a difference between being obsessive and. . .

MONICA: Ross, the heat!

ROSS: Fine, OK! Heat, heat, heat, and I'm the obsessive one. [goes to the radiator and starts turning the knob] OK, this way is on, so this is. . . [breaks off the knob] off.

RACHEL: Did you just break the radiator?

ROSS: No, no, I was turnin' the knob and, and. . . here it is.

MONICA: Well put it back.

ROSS: It uhh, it won't go back.

RACHEL: I'll call the super.

MONICA: Here, let me try.

ROSS: Oh, oh that's right, I forgot about your ability to fuse metal.

MONICA: Hey, it's Funny's cousin, Not Funny.

RACHEL: [on phone] Hi, Mr. Treeger. Hi, it's Rachel Green from upstairs. Yes, somebody, uh, broke our knob on the radiator and it's really hot in here. Yes, it's, it's hot enough to bake cookies. Well, do you think we could have a new one by 6? Wha t, no, no, Tuesday, we can't wait until Tuesday, we're having a party tonight.

ROSS: OK, tip the man.

MONICA: No, if he doesn't like our cookies, too bad, I am not gonna be blackmailed. Look if worse comes to worse, it gets a little warm, we'll call it a theme party.

ROSS: Hey, here's a theme: Come on in, live like bacon.

[Scene: Outside Phoebe's dad's house. The cab pulls up.]

PHOEBE: Ooh, this is it, 74. [screeches to a halt, Joey and Chandler are thrown into the plexiglass wall in the cab]

CHANDLER: Oh, so that's what this is for.

PHOEBE: Wow, this is it, I'm gonna meet my dad. This is like the biggest thing ever, huh.

CHANDLER: Yeah.

JOEY: Sure is.

PHOEBE: OK, here I go. I'm goin' in.

CHANDLER: Alright.

JOEY: Good luck Phoebs.

PHOEBE: OK, here I go. . . here I go. . . I'm goin'. [she just sits in the cab]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. They are having their party. All the guests are stripped down because of the heat.]

RACHEL: [answers door] Hi, welcome to our tropical Christmas party. You can put your coats and sweaters and pants and shirts in the bedroom.

ROSS: [sitting at table talking to a girl] It's hard to tell because I'm sweating, but I use exactly what the gel bottle says, an amount about the size of a pea. How, how can that be too much?

MONICA: [carrying an ice cube tray] Ice, ice, ice squares anyone? Take a napkin. Alright.

ROSS: Monica, Monica, your guest are turning into jerky, OK.

MONICA: Really? I'm perfectly comfortable. [one of the guest opens the refrigerator] Hey, hey, hey, get in line buddy, I was next. [she opens the refrigerator and leans into it]

RACHEL: [answering the door] Mr. Treeger.

MR. TREEGER: Uhh, you said there was a party.

RACHEL: Oh, yeah, well hey, welcome to our sauna.

MR. TREEGER: Ahh, is it hot? My body always stays cool, probably 'cause I have so much skin. Hey, cheese!

[Ross is speaking to Monica and Rachel about tipping the super.]

ROSS: Alright, alright, here's the chance. Monica give him cash, Rachel give him your earrings. Something, now, anything.

MONICA: No, I will not cave.

RACHEL: Yeah, I'm with Mon.

ROSS: Alright, alright, you know how you say I never seize the day? Well, alright, even though he's your super, I'm seizing. [approaches Mr. Treeger] Mr. Treeger, here is 50 bucks, merry Christmas.

[Gives him the cash.]

MR. TREEGER: Oh wow, I didn't get you anything. Here's five back.

ROSS: No no, no, that, that's your Christmas tip, alright. Oh, hey, do you think there's a chance you could fix that radiator now?

MR. TREEGER: No can do, like I told the girl, I can't get a new knob until Thursday.

MONICA: Ross.

ROSS: Yeah.

MONICA: [to Ross] Looks like he's playin' baseball.

ROSS: You mean hardball?

MONICA: Whatever.

RACHEL: What'cha gonna' do?

ROSS: Excuse me, I'm seizing. Mr. Treeger, here's another 50, happy Hanukkah. Will uh, will this help with the knob getting?

MR. TREEGER: No, the place is not open 'till Tuesday. Am I not saying it right.

MONICA: So, wait, you really did like my cookies?

MR. TREEGER: Oh, yeah, they were so personal, really showed you cared.

RACHEL: Nice seizing. . . gel boy.

MR. TREEGER: [to Rachel who is standing under mistletoe] So, uh, is this, uh, mistletoe?

RACHEL: Huh-huh, no act--no, uhh, that, that is basil.

MR. TREEGER: Ahh, if it was mistletoe, I was gonna kiss ya.

RACHEL: Huh-hoo, yeah, no, it's still basil.

[Scene: Outside Phoebe's dad's house. Phoebe is running back to the cab.]

PHOEBE: OK.

JOEY: How far'd ya get?

PHOEBE: Mailbox.

CHANDLER: Alright, we're gettin' closer.

PHOEBE: Uh-huh.

JOEY: Phoebs, what's goin' on?

PHOEBE: No, it's just like, ya know, it's a whole mess of stuff, ya know. It's like, yesterday, ya know, my dad was this, like, famous Burma tree surgeon guy and, ya know, now he's a, a pharmacist guy and. . .

JOEY: Well, maybe he's, maybe he's this really cool pharmacist guy.

PHOEBE: Yeah, maybe, yeah. You know, and, and I'll knock on the door and, and he'll hug me and I'll have a dad. Ya know and I'll, I'll go to his pharmacy and everyone will be really nice to me 'cause, you know, I'm Franks daughter.

CHANDLER: Well, so why not go knock?

PHOEBE: Well, 'cause, I mean, what if, what if he's not this great dad guy? I mean, what if, what if he's just still the dirtbag who ran out on my mom and us? You know what? I've already lost a fake dad this week and I don't think I'm ready to lose a real one.

JOEY: Phoebs, that's OK. You took a big step today.

PHOEBE: Yeah?

CHANDLER: Yeah, and someday when you're ready, you'll make it past the hedges.

JOEY: Yeah, and when you do, he'll be lucky to have you.

PHOEBE: You guys. I'm sorry about your shopping.

CHANDLER: Oh, that's OK, we'll figure something out.

JOEY: Uh, listen Phoebs, I know you're not goin' in there but do you think it'd be alright if I went in and used his bathroom? Oh, that's fine, never mind. Cool, snow, kinda like a blank canvas.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ross, Monica, and Rachel are sitting around after the party. Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe enter.]

CHANDLER: Ho, ho, ho, holy crap is it hot in here!

JOEY: Really, hey, you mind if I turn the heat down?

MONICA: Hey, we could have used that kind of thinkin' earlier.

ROSS: Hey, Phoebs, how'd it go.

PHOEBE: Oh, I couldn't go in.

MONICA: Honey, I'm sorry.

ROSS: Are you OK?

PHOEBE: Yeah, yeah, no it's OK 'cause, I mean, I know he's there, so, that's enough for now.

CHANDLER: Hey, guys, it's after midnight, merry Christmas everyone. [Ross and Phoebe hug, Monica and Rachel hug, Chandler is left standing]

JOEY: Hey, Monica, the knob was broken so I just turned it off from underneath, I hope that's alright.

CLOSING TITLES

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey and Chandler are giving out their Christmas presents out of a cardboard box from a case of motor oil.]

JOEY: Rach, these are for you.

RACHEL: Wiper blades. I don't even have a car.

JOEY: No, but with this new car smell, you'll think you do.

CHANDLER: OK, Phoebs, your turn.

PHOEBE: Ahh, toilet seat covers! Is that what you were doing while I was getting gas?

JOEY: Uh-huh.

PHOEBE: You guuuyys.

JOEY: And for Ross, Mr. Sweet-tooth.

ROSS: You got me a cola drink?

CHANDLER: And, a lemon lime.

ROSS: Well this, this is too much, I feel like I should get you another sweater.

CHANDLER: And last but not least.

[Chandler and Joey give Monica a pack of condoms.]

JOEY: They're ribbed for your pleasure.

[Ross and Monica trade their gifts.]

END


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The One With Russ

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Written by: Ira Ungerlieder
Transcribed by: Josh Hodge
With Minor Adjustments by: Dan Silverstein



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[The gang is walking to a newsstand late at night. Joey is anxiously in the lead.]

RACH: Joey, would you slow down? They're not gonna be sold out of papers at one o'clock in the morning.

JOEY: I'm excited! I've never gotten reviewed before.

MNCA: You were so amazing as the king. I was really impressed, I was.

PHOE: Although, you know what? You might want to consider wearing underwear next time. Yeah, cause when you sat down on your throne you could kind of see your... royal subject.

JOEY: Here it is, here it is. [reading from newspaper] The only thing worse than the mindless, adolescent direction was Joseph Tribbiani's disturbingly unskilled portrayal of the king.

CHAN: OK, look, that is one guy's opinion, alright. Phoebs, read yours.

PHOE: OK. [reading] The only thing worse than the mindless, adolescent direction...

CHAN: Does anyone have one from a different paper? Ross, read yours.

ROSS: I don't want to.

RACH: Joey, honey, they don't know what they're talking about.

ROSS: Yeah.

JOEY: Maybe they do. I've been doin' this ten years and I haven't gotten anywhere. There's gotta be a reason.

ROSS: Oh c'mon. Maybe you're just, uhhh... paying your dues.

JOEY: No, no, no, it.. it's too hard. It's not worth it. I quit.

MNCA: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait one minute. Wait a minute. I believe this will change your mind. [Reads from paper] In a mediocre play, Joseph Tribbiana was able to achieve brilliant new levels of... continued on page 153...[turns it] sucking.

Credits
[Scene: Chandler, Phoebe, Rachel, Monica comforting Joey at Monica and Rachel's apartment.]

JOEY: When I was little, I wanted to be a veteranarian, but then I found out you had to put your hands into cows and stuff.

[Ross enters, depressed.]

ROSS: [sullenly] Hiiiiii.

PHOE: Are... are you OK?

ROSS: Yeah, yeah, just a tough day at work. A stegosaurus fell over and trapped a kid. Whoa, whoa, I know this jacket, this is, th--Fun Bobby's jacket! Where is he, what. He, he's here, isn't he?

MNCA: Maybe.

ROSS: Don't toy with me.

[Fun Bobby (FBOB) enters from Monica's bedroom.]

FBOB: Geller!

ROSS: Hey, Fun Bobby!

FBOB: Hey. Whoa, hey, you've been working out, huh?

ROSS: Not at all! I love this guy. Hey, I was so psyched to hear you're back with my sister!

MNCA: You and me both.

FBOB: Hey, so what'd I miss, what'd I miss, c'mon?

PHOE: Oh, we were just trying to make Joey feel better.

FBOB: Hey, do you need me to pick you up?

JOEY: No, I'm alright man. Really.

FBOB: No, I'm picking you up.

JOEY: Hey no, seriously, I don't need you to pick me... [Fun Bobby picks Joey up off the ground, bounces him. Joey laughs.] Alright! It still works.

FBOB: OK, now before I go, does anybody else need to be picked up? [everyone raises their hands] I'm still gonna go.

MNCA: OK, I'll see you later babe.

FBOB: Uh, public display of affection coming up. You can avert your eyes. [kisses Monica]

[Chandler and Joey are watching, Rachel turns their heads away from Monica.]

FBOB: See ya. [exits]

ALL: Bye! See you later!

PHOE: Fun Bobby is so great.

MNCA: Oh, isn't he? Oh, you know, I really think this time it may work with him. I mean, he just makes me feel so good and I've been feeling so lousy this last couple of months, no job, no boyfriend. Well, at least my cup is half full.

PHOE: Half full of looooovvvvve.

MNCA: And for our two-week anniversary, he's gonna take me to his cousin's cabin for the weekend.

PHOE: Cabin of loooooovvvvve.

RACH: We went through a lot of wine tonight, you guys. [walks over to table, holding five empty wine bottles]

MNCA: Really? I only had two glasses.

JOEY: I just had a glass.

PHOE: Two.

RACH: I had one glass.

CHAN: I had about a mugful in this lovely 'I got boned at the Museum of Natural History' mug.

RACH: OK, so that's... that's what, two bottles? And yet somehow we went through five?

[All look towards door Fun Bobby left through.]

ROSS: Oooooh.

JOEY: [realizing what everyone else did a minute ago] Ooooooh.

MNCA: So what. So he drank a lot tonight.

ROSS: Yeah but, you know, now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever seen Fun Bobby without a... a drink in his hand.

PHOE: Yeah. Oh, OOOH, yeah, you know, did you notice how he always starts his stories with, um, OK, 'I was soooo wasted,' or, 'Oh, we were soooo bombed,' or, ummm, ooh, ooh, 'So I wake up, and I'm in this dumpster in Connecticut.'

JOEY: Monica, have you ever been with him when he wasn't drinking?

MNCA: Well, we just happen to go to alot of places where you might drink. I mean, how do you go to a wine tasting without having a drink? Or... or to a club, or to the... zoo.

[Scene: Monica, Fun Bobby, and Phoebe sitting in Central Perk Rachel is serving them. She brings a mug to Monica.]

MNCA: Rach, does this have nonfat milk?

RACH: Ehhhummmm, I don't know, why don't you taste it.

MNCA: [takes a sip] Mmmm, no.

RACH: Oh well, too late, sorry, you already had some.

FBOB: [pulls out a flask] Whattaya say we make these, uh, coffees Irish?

[Phoebe and Rachel look uncomfortable.]

PHOE: Um, cake.

RACH: Yeah, we're gonna... we're gonna get some cake. [Phoebe and Rachel go to counter.]

MNCA: You know what? It seems like you've been making an awful lot of stuff Irish lately.

FBOB: Well, I would make them Belgian, but the waffles are hard to get into that flask.

MNCA: Bobby.

FBOB: Yeah, OK.

MNCA: Look, maybe this is none of my business, or maybe it is, I don't know... but, uh, I'm kind of worried about you.

FBOB: OK, look, this isn't the first time somebody's said something to me about this, but, I don't know... I always made excuses about it, like... uhhh... 'I'm just a social drinker,' or, 'C'mon, it's Flag Day.'

MNCA: So, what are you saying now?

FBOB: I guess I'm saying, I'll try and quit. I kinda like that you worry about me. [they hug]

PHOE: [comes back to couch, with cake] Sooo, what's goin' on, huh?

FBOB: I am gonna try and quit drinking.

PHOE: [sad] Ooohh, why?

[Chandler and Joey enter.]

CHAN: Hey.

JOEY: Hey.

MNCA: Hey.

PHOE: Hey.

CHAN: Guess who's back in show business.

PHOE: Ohh, ohh, Lorne Green?

CHAN: No, no, Phoebs. You know why? Cause he's dead.

PHOE: Oh, no.

CHAN: OK, I guess this is gonna seem kinda bittersweet now, but... Joey, that's who.

JOEY: Yeah, my agent just called me with an audition for Days of Our Lives!

PHOE: Oh, well, we have to celebrate. You know what we should do? We should do, like, a soap opera theme.

CHAN: Hey, yeah... we could all sleep together and then one of us could get amnesia.

PHOE: Hey Rach, what time do you get off? We're all gonna do something tonight.

RACH: Ummmm.... well, actually I'm already done, but I...I kinda got plans.

MNCA: [gasps] You have other friends?

RACH: Yeah... I, uhh... I have a... I have a date.

MNCA: What?

JOEY: With a man?

RACH: What? What is so strange about me having a date?

JOEY: What about Ross? I mean, are you still mad at him cause he made that list about you?

RACH: Noooo, no, I'm not mad at him. I'm.. I'm not really anything at him anymore.

MNCA: What are you talking about?

RACH: I don't know. Whatever I was feeling, I'm... not.

PHOE: But you guys came so close.

RACH: Oh, I know, I'm sorry you guys. You're just gonna have to get used to the fact that I will not be dating Ross.

[Russ enters Central Perk. He looks like Ross, except for his chin and hair (it is David Schwimmer in a dual role).]

RACH: Here he is. Hi. Guys, this is Russ.

RUSS: [sounding like Ross] Hhhhiiiii.

[Everyone looks at each other in amazement.]

[Scene: Estelle Leonard Talent Agency. Estelle (ESTL) is speaking on the phone.]

ESTL: Stop saying you're not talented, you're very talented. It's just with the bird dead and all, there's very little act left. Oh, honey, give me a break, will ya? [a knock on the door] Oooh, ooh, I'll talk to you later.

[Joey enters.]

ESTL: Well, there's my favorite client. So tell me darling, how was the audition?

JOEY: Well, I think it went pretty well. I.. I got a callback for Thursday.

ESTL: Joey, have you ever seen me ecstatic?

JOEY: No.

ESTL: Well, here it is. [She almost smiles.]

JOEY: OK, uh.... listen, there's something I want to talk to you about. The network casting lady...

ESTL: Oh, isn't Lori a doll?

JOEY: Oh yeah, yeah, she's great, but... I kinda got the feeling that she was sort of... coming on to me. And I definitely would get the part if I would've... you know... if I would have sent the Little General in.

ESTL: Oh, I see. Well, I'm just gonna put in a call here and we'll find out what's goin' on and straighten it out. [picks up the phone] Yeah, hi, Lori please. [pause] Hi darling. So how 'bout Joey Tribbiani for the part of the cab driver, isn't he terrific? [pause] Uh-huuuuh. [pause] Uh-huuuuh. OK, doll. Talk to you later. [hangs up] [to Joey] Yeah, you're gonna have to sleep with her.

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel at counter, Phoebe, Chandler, and Fun Bobby at the couch.]

RACH: What's the matter?

MNCA: It's Fun Bobby.

RACH: What, isn't he sober?

MNCA: Oh, he's sober alright. Just turns out that Fun Bobby was fun for a reason.

RACH: Ohhh, OK.

[Monica returns to couch next to Fun Bobby.]

MNCA: Alright, here you go, sweetie. [hands Fun Bobby his coffee]

FBOB: Thanks. You wanna hear something funny?

MNCA: Oh God, yes!

FBOB: There are no hardware stores open past midnight in the Village.

PHOE: That is funny.

FBOB: I needed to buy a hammer the other night, and I'm out walkin' around the neighborhood but apparently there are no hardware stores open past midnight in the Village.

MNCA: Ahhh, hey honey? Don't you have to be at your interview now?

FBOB: Oh yeah. See you guys. [leaves]

CHAN: Bye..... ridiculously dull Bobby.

MNCA: Oh.... my... God.

PHOE: It's not that bad.

MNCA: Not that bad? Did you hear the hammer story?

PHOE: OK, OK, don't get all squinky.

RACH: Maybe it was just the kind of story where you have to be there.

MNCA: But I'm gonna be there... for the rest of my life. I mean, I can't break up with him. I'm the one who made him quit drinking. He's dull because of me.

PHOE: Alright, don't say that. He's probably always been dull. You just, you know, set it free.

[Russ enters, walking in behind Chandler.]

RUSS: Hi.

CHAN: [turning around] Hey Ross.... bahhhh!

RACH: Hi Russ, I've just got two more tables to clean and then we'll go, OK?

RUSS: OK, I'll just sit here and... uh... chat with your, uh.... friend-type....people.

[Phoebe walks up to Rachel, cleaning tables.]

PHOE: Rachel? Um, hi.

RACH: Hi.

PHOE: OK, so, you know what you're doing, right?

RACH: Uhh.... waitressing?

PHOE: Well, yeah, but... no. I mean, umm... doesn't.... doesn't Russ just remind you of someone?

RACH: [looks at him] Huh, Bob Saget?

PHOE: [looks at Russ] Oh, yeah! No, no, no, no, oh, oh.

[Phoebe turns back around but Rachel is gone. Ross enters.]

PHOE: Oh, my, oh!

ROSS: What? What's wrong?

PHOE: I, OK....

MNCA: She's just upset because she, uh, she buttered a spider into her toast this morning.

ROSS: Alright.

CHAN: [to Phoebe] Listen, Phoebs, this is gonna be OK. [introducing Russ and Ross] Ross, Russ. Russ, Ross.

RUSS: Hi.

ROSS: Hi.

RUSS: Are you a, uh, friend of Rachel's?

ROSS: Yes, yes I am. Are you a, uh, a friend of Rachel's?

RUSS: Actually, I'm a... kind of a.... you know, a... date-type... thing... of Rachel's.

ROSS: A date.

RUSS: Yeah, I'm her date.

ROSS: Oh, oh, you're... uh... you're, oh you're the date.

CHAN: You know, this is actually good, because if we ever lose Ross, we have a spare.

RUSS: Oh, you are the, uh... paleontologist.

ROSS: Yes, yes I am. And you are a....

RUSS: Periodontist.

MNCA: See? They're as different as night and... later that night.

ROSS: Well, I am going to, uh... get a beverage. It was nice, nice... uh... meeting you.

RUSS: Ditto.

[ROss approaches Rachel at counter.]

ROSS: I, uh, well... I... I met Russ.

RACH: Oh.

ROSS: Hey, I didn't know we were, uh, seeing other people.

RACH: Well, we're not seeing each other, so....

ROSS: Well, uh, for your information, there's a woman at the museum, who's curator of moths and other... uh... winged things... who's, uh, let it be known that she is drawn to me much like a... well, you know. But so far I've been keeping her at bay, but, uh, if this is the deal...

RACH: Well, yeah, this is the deal.

ROSS: OK, well, um, have a nice evening.

RACH: Um, Russ, you ready?

RUSS: Yeah.

RACH: Bye.

MNCA: Bye.

PHOE: Bye.

[Russ and Rachel leave together.]

ROSS: [upset] She's dating. She's dating.

CHAN: Yes, yes, but did you see who she was dating?

ROSS: What do you mean?

MNCA: Do you not see it?

ROSS: See what? I don't know what she sees in... innn that goober. And it takes him, what? Like... like... I don't know, uhh... uhhh, hello.... a... week, to get out a sentence.

CHAN: Yeah, it's annoying, isn't it?

ROSS: ....................Yeah.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey is making marinara sauce and filling every container in sight. Chandler enters.]

CHAN: Hey.

JOEY: Hey.

CHAN: Whoa, whoa, so I'm guessing you didn't get the part, or... uh, Italy called and said it was hungry.

JOEY: Well, the part's mine if I want it.

CHAN: Oh my God!

JOEY: Yeah, if I'm willing to sleep with the casting lady.

CHAN: [not knowing how to react] Oh my... God?

JOEY: Ten years I've been waiting for a break like this Chandler, ten years! I mean, Days of Our Lives. That's actually on television.

CHAN: So, what're you gonna do?

JOEY: Well, I guess I could sleep with her... I mean, how could I do that?

CHAN: Well, I... I've got a pop-up book that told me everything I need to know.

JOEY: I've never slept with someone for a part.

CHAN: Well is she... [reaches into the cookie jar for a cookie, takes his hand out, covered with pasta sauce]

JOEY: Sorry.

CHAN: It's alright. Is she good-looking?

JOEY: Yeah, she's totally good looking. I mean, if I met her in a bar, or something, I'd be buying her breakfast. [pause] You know, after having slept with her.

CHAN: Y'know, maybe this isn't such a big deal. Y'know, I mean, the way that I see it is you get a great job and you get to have sex. Y'know, I mean, throw in a tree and a fat guy and you've got Christmas.

JOEY: I just... I just don't think that I want it that way though, y'know? I mean, let's say I do make it, alright? I'm always gonna look back and wonder if it was because of my talent or because of.. y'know, the Little General.

CHAN: Didn't you used to call it the Little Major?

JOEY: Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco, I had to promote it.

[Scene: A restaurant. Fun Bobby and Monica are ordering.]

WAITER: Can I get you something from the bar?

MNCA: Yes, I would like something. [looks at Fun Bobby, changes her mind] No, no thank you.

FBOB: If... if you want to drink, it's OK with me, I've got to get used to it.

MNCA: No, no really. I.. I wouldn't feel right about it. [to waiter] Just some water.

FBOB: So the light went out in my refrigerator...

MNCA: [grabs waiter as he's leaving] I'd like a scotch on the rocks with a twist.

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler is sitting on the couch between Russ and Ross, doing a crossword puzzle.]

CHAN: Hey, we're having some fun now, huh, Ross? Wanna do another one, huh Russ? OK... eleven letters, atomic element number 101... ends in ium.

RUSS: Dysprosium.

ROSS: [condescendingly] Dysprosium? Try mendelevium.

CHAN: And weenie number two has it. Unless, of course, nine-down, Knights in White Satin was sung by the Doody Blues.

[Phoebe and Rachel are at the counter talking.]

PHOE: You don't see it? You actually don't see it?

RACH: What?

PHOE: OK honey, you're dating Ross.

RACH: No, Phoebs. I'm dating Russ.

PHOE: Russ is Ross. Russ... Ross!

RACH: Steve... sleeve!

PHOE: OK, noone is named Sleeve.

RACH: Phoebe, what the hell are you talking about? Other than their names being similar, I'm sorry, I do not see what you're seeing.

[They look over at Russ and Ross.]

ROSS: [to Russ] For your information, it's a card sharp, not a card shark.

RUSS: You could not be more wrong. You could try... but you would not be successful.

CHAN: OK, I'm gonna get some more coffee before the pinching and eye-poking begins.

RUSS: I know what your problem is.

ROSS: Oh you do, do you?

RUSS: Um-hum, you're jealous.

ROSS: Of... of what?

RUSS: You're jealous because I'm a real doctor.

ROSS: Hey, you're a doctor of gums. That's the smallest body part you can major in. It's like day one, floss. Day two, here's your diploma.

RUSS: Hey, you listen.

ROSS: No, no, let me finish.

RUSS: No, let me finish.

ROSS: No, you let me fini...

[Rachel walks up behind them.]

ROSS: Hi.

RUSS: Hi.

RACH: Ewww, ewww, ewww, ewww! [turns away]

[Scene: Ross, Phoebe, Rachel, and Chandler at Monica and Rachel's apartment.]

RACH: Did Joey say what he was gonna go when he left?

CHAN: No, I don't even think he knew. Hey, would you sleep with somebody to get a great job?

RACH: I don't know. Who would I have to sleep with?

CHAN: Me.

RACH: Why would I have to sleep with you?

CHAN: It's my game. You want the job or not?

[Monica enters from her bedroom.]

CHAN: Hey.

MNCA: Morning.

ROSS: Where ya goin'?

MNCA: Bobby and I are going away for the weekend, remember?

ROSS: Ooooohhhh.

[Monica pulls out a bag full of airline bottles of liquor.]

PHOE: What's with all the bottles of liquor?

ROSS: What's going on, is... uh, Bobby drinking again?

MNCA: Oh no no, this is not for him, this is for me. That way he's still sober but I find his stories about shoelaces much more amusing.

[Three slow knocks on the door.]

RACH: Oh God, even his knock is boring.

[Monica answers the door. Its Fun Bobby.]

MNCA: Hi. I'll be ready in just a second.

FBOB: Uh, can I talk to you a minute?

MNCA: Sure.

[They both step out into the hall.]

FBOB: This is really hard for me to say.

MNCA: Oh God, you fell off the wagon.

FBOB: Oh, no, no, it's about you.

MNCA: What about me?

FBOB: I think you may have a drinking problem.

MNCA: What these? [holding up liquor bottles] Oh, these are, um, for.. cuts and scrapes.

FBOB: Look, I am just not strong enough to be in a codependent relationship right now, OK?

MNCA: Oh... shoot.

FBOB: Well, anyway, I hope we can be friends.

MNCA: OK.

[They hug and kiss.]

MNCA: Take care.

FBOB: You too.

[Fun Bobby leaves and Monica goes back inside.]

RACH: What happened?

MNCA: Well we... we kinda broke up.

GANG: Awwwwwwww.

[Ross, Phoebe, Chandler, and Rachel all exchange money.]

MNCA: [holding bottles] Does anybody want these?

CHAN: I'll take one. Sometimes I like to hold stuff like this and pretend I'm a giant.

[Joey enters.]

JOEY: Hey.

GANG: Hey!

ROSS: How'd the callback go?

JOEY: It was unbelievable! I walked in there and she was all over me.

CHAN: So what'd you do?

JOEY: Well, I couldn't do it. I told her I didn't want to get the part that way.

ROSS: Good for you.

JOEY: But wait, wait, wait. Then, after I left her office, she caught up with me at the elevator and offered me an even bigger part.

PHOE: So... and?

JOEY: Soooooo... you are now looking at Dr. Drake Ramore, neurosurgeon, recurring in at least four episodes!

GANG: Allright!

JOEY: Alright... I've got to go shower. [leaves]

[Phoebe, Ross, Rachel, Chandler exchange money again.]

Credits [Scene: Central Perk. Russ enters. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting on the couch.]

RUSS: Hi.

CHAN: Oh, hey.

PHOE: Hi.

RUSS: I guess you guys heard, Rachel dumped me.

CHAN: Yeah, I'm sorry man.

RUSS: Oh, all she said was that I remind her too much of somebody. You have any idea who she's talking about?

[Chandler and Phoebe feign ignorance.]

PHOE: Oh I do, it's.... it's Bob Saget. She hates him.

RUSS: Oh.

[Julie... Ross's ex-girlfriend... enters.]

JULIE: Hey.

CHAN: Hey!

PHOE: Hey, Julie! Hey, how are you doing?

JULIE: Um, oh, I don't know. I mean, it's definitely weird not being with Ross, but I guess I'm doing OK. Actually I've got some of his stuff that he, um....

[Russ and Julie look at each other with love in their eyes. The music builds...]

END 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The One With the Lesbian Wedding

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Written by: Doty Abrams
Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[at Ross's. Carol and Susan are picking Ben up]

ROSS: Ok. Here's his diaper bag, and his uh, Mr. Winky, and uh...oh, him. Hi!

CAROL: So how did everything go?

ROSS: Oh, great. Great. There was a projectile, uh, throwing up incident, but he started it.

CAROL: Well, we've gotta go.

ROSS: Ok.

SUSAN: [clears her throat]

CAROL: Oh, right. Um, I've got some news. It's about us.

ROSS: Oh, you and me?

CAROL: Uh, no, Susan and me.

SUSAN: The other us.

ROSS: Ok.

CAROL: We're uh, we're getting married.

ROSS: As in, "I now pronounce you wife and wife" married?

CAROL: Anyway, we'd like you to come, but we totally understand if you don't want to.

ROSS: Why wouldn't I want to come? I had fun at the first wedding.

CAROL: Look I just thought that...

ROSS: No no no, I mean, hey, why shouldn't I be happy for you? What would it say about me if I couldn't revel in your joy? I'm revelling baby, believe me!

SUSAN: Is your finger caught in that chair?

ROSS: Mmm hmmm.

CAROL: Want us to go?

ROSS: Uh-huh.

[at Rachel and Monica's]

ROSS: This is so cool. You're actually gonna be on television.

JOEY: It really hit me last night. I'm gonna be on Days of our Lives. And then I started thinkin' about all of u, and how these are the days of our lives..

MONICA: Yes! Carol and Susan's caterer had a mountain bike accident this weekend, and she's in a full body cast.

ROSS, CHANDLER & JOEY: Yes!

MONICA: They want me to do it, which is really cool, seeing as I've never catered before, and I really need the money, and this isn't a problem for you, is it?

ROSS: Would it matter?

MONICA: Oh, you are so great! [kisses him] Thank you!

JOEY: Are you really not going?

ROSS: I am really not going. I don't get it. They already live together, why do they need to get married?

MONICA: They love each other, and they wanna celebrate that love with the people that are close with them.

ROSS: If you wanna call that a reason.

CHANDLER: [singing to the tune of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood] Who's the bitterest man in the living room, the bitterest man in the living room? Hi, neighbor.

MONICA: Ross, I thought you were over this.

ROSS: Look, that has nothing to do with this, ok? She's my ex-wife. If she were marrying a guy, none of you'd expect me to be there.

JOEY: Hey, if she were marrying a guy, she'd be like the worst lesbian ever.

RACHEL: [entering hurriedly] Did I miss it? Did I miss it?

JOEY: No, I'm on right after this guy shoots himself.

CHANDLER: Whoa, she's pretty.

JOEY: Yeah, and she's really nice too. She taught me all about how to work the cameras, and smell-the-fart acting.

RACHEL: I'm sorry, what?

MONICA: What?

JOEY: It's like, you got so many lines to learn so fast, that sometimes you need a minute to remember your next one. So while you're thinkin' of it, you take this big pause where you look all intense, you know, like this. 

CHANDLER: Oh, ok.

JOEY: There's my scene, there's my scene. [Joey on tv] "Mrs. Wallace, I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray, your sister's neurosurgeon. 

MRS. WALLACE: Is she gonna be all right?

JOEY: I'm afraid the situation is much worse than we expected. Your sister is suffering from a..subcranial hematoma. Perhaps we can discuss this over coffee.

CHANDLER: Nice!

RACHEL: That's great!

ROSS: Excellent!

CHANDLER: For a minute there I thought you were actually tryin' to smell something.

[Monica and Rachel's]

ROSS: That is so good! Do it again!

JOEY: All right, all right. "Damnit Braverman, it's right there on the chart!"

CHANDLER: That's great. All right, I gotta get to work, I got a big dinosaur bone to inspect.

ROSS: No no, that's me.

CHANDLER: Oh, yeah. 

ROSS: Oh, hello.

PHOEBE: Oh, thanks. I couldn't uh...

ROSS: Is everything ok?

PHOEBE: Um, no, huh-uh. One of my clients died on the massage table today.

ROSS: Oh my god.

CHANDLER: That's a little more relaxed than you want them to get.

PHOEBE: Yeah, um, she was 82 years old. Her name was um, Mrs. Adelman.

MONICA: Oh, honey.

PHOEBE: Yeah, it's just so strange. I mean, she probably woke up today and thought, "ok, I'll have some breakfast, and then I'll take a little walk, and then I'll have my massage." Little did she know God was thinking, "Ok, but that's it." Oh, but the weirdest thing was, ok, I was cleansing her aura when she died, and when the spirit left her body, I don't think it went very far.

RACHEL: What do you mean?

PHOEBE: I think it went into me.

[Everyone takes a step back from Phoebe]

[Central Perk]

MONICA: God, this is so hard. I can't decide between lamb or duck.

CHANDLER: Well, of course, lambs are scarier. Otherwise the movie would've been called Silence of the Ducks.

RACHEL: Ok, who ordered what?

ROSS: Oh, I believe I had the half-drunk cappuccino with the lipstick on the rim.

CHANDLER: Yes, and this with the cigarette butt in it, is that decaf?

RACHEL: Oh god.

JOEY: I can't believe you're so uptight about your mom comin'.

RACHEL: I know, but it's just it's the first time, and I just don't want her to think that because I didn't marry Barry, that my life is total crap, you know?

PHOEBE: [Mrs. Adelman's voice] Talk about crap. Try listening to Stella Niedman tell the story of her and Rod Steiger for the hundredth time.

JOEY: Uh, Pheebs, how long do you think this lady'll be with us?

PHOEBE: I don't know. I mean, she obviously has some kind of unfinished business. [Mrs. Adelman's voice] Sit up!

MRS. GREEN: [entering] There she is.

RACHEL: Mom!

MRS GREEN: Sweetie! So this is where you work? Oh, it's wonderful! Is it a living room? Is it a restaurant? Who can tell? But I guess that's the fun.

RACHEL: Pretty much.

MRS GREEN: Monica! You look gorgeous! Last time I saw you, it was eat or be eaten.

RACHEL: This is Joey, and Phoebe, and this is Chandler, and you remember Ross.

MRS GREEN: Oh hello, Ross. 

ROSS: Hi, Mrs. Green. [He gets up to shake her hand, but she ignores him.]

MRS GREEN: So, what do you think of my daughter in the apron with the big job?

RACHEL: Oh Mom!

MRS GREEN: If you didn't pour the coffee, no one would have anything to drink.

CHANDLER: Believe me, sometimes that happens.

MRS GREEN: This is just so exciting. You know, I never worked. I went straight from my father's house to the sorority house to my husband's house. I am just so proud of you.

RACHEL: Really?

MRS GREEN: Yes.

PHOEBE: I know who it is you remind me of. Evelyn Dermer. 'Course, that's before she got the lousy face lift. Now she looks like Soupy Sales.

JOEY: Pheebs, who's Evelyn Dermer?

PHOEBE: I don't know. Who's Soupy Sales?

[at Rachel and Monica's

MRS GREEN: Oh my god, there's an unattractive nude man playing the cello.

RACHEL: Yeah, well just be glad he's not playing a smaller instrument.

MRS GREEN: [laughing] You have some life here, sweetie.

RACHEL: I know. And Mom, I realize you and Daddy were upset when I didn't marry Barry and get the big house in the suburbs with all the security and everything, but this is just so much better for me, you know?

MRS GREEN: I do. You didn't love Barry. And I've never seen you this happy. I look at you and I think, oh, this is what I want.

RACHEL: For...me.

MRS GREEN: Well, not just for you.

RACHEL: Well, what do you mean?

MRS GREEN: I'm uh, considering leaving your father.

MONICA: [entering] All right. Tell me if this is too cute. Lesbian wedding, chicken breasts.

RACHEL: Oh god. I think I'm gonna be sick.

MONICA: Why? It's not like I'm putting little nipples on them.

ROSS: And you had no idea they weren't getting along?

RACHEL: None.

JOEY: They didn't fight a lot?

RACHEL: No! They didn't even talk to each other. God, how was I supposed to know they were having problems?

PHOEBE: [Mrs. Adelman's voice] In my day, divorce was not an option.

JOEY: Hey, look who's up.

RACHEL: I just can't believe this is happening. I mean, when I was little, everybody's parents were getting divorced. I just figured as a grownup I wouldn't have to worry about this.

MONICA: Is there any chance that you can look at this as flattering? I mean, she's doing it because she wants to be more like you.

RACHEL: Well, then, you know, couldn't she have just copied my haircut?

CHANDLER: You know, it's funny when my parents got divorced, they sent me to this shrink, and she told me that all kids have a tendency to blame themselves. But in your case it's actually kinda true.

PHOEBE: That's him.

CHANDLER: Damn. My mail order grandfather hasn't come yet.

MR A: Phoebe?

PHOEBE: Yes, hi, Mr. Adelman. Thanks for meeting me.

MR A: Oh, that's all right, although you did cut into my busy day of sitting.

PHOEBE: Um, do you wanna sit?

MR A: Oh, no, please, I spent most of mid-morning trying to stand up. Now uh, what can I do for you, my dear?

PHOEBE: I don't know how to say this, but I think when your wife's spirit left her body, it um, kind of stuck around in me.

MR A: You're saying, my wife is in you?

PHOEBE: Yeah. Ok, you don't have to believe me but um, can you think of any unfinished business she might have had, like any reason she'd be hanging around?

MR A: Well, I don't know what to tell you dear. The only thing I can think of is that she always used to say that before she died, she wanted to see everything.

PHOEBE: Everything?

MR A: Everything.

PHOEBE: Whoa, that's a lot of stuff.

MR A: Oh, wait, I remember, she also said she wanted to sleep with me one last time.

PHOEBE: I'm sorry, there's laughing in my head.

MR A: [to Joey] Worth a shot, huh?

[Joey nods and shrugs.]

MRS GREEN: Look at this.

RACHEL: These are from Halloween three years ago.

MRS GREEN: Oh, look, here's Barry. Did he have to come straight from the office?

RACHEL: No, that was his costume. See, he's actually an orthodontist, but he came as a regular dentist.

MONICA: Um, you guys, you know when I said before, "thank you, but I don't really need your help"?

RACHEL: Actually, what I think you said was, "don't touch that, and get the hell out of my kitchen."

MONICA: Really? Weird. Anyway, see, I planned everything really well. I planned and I planned and I planned. It just turns out, I don't think I planned enough time to actually do it.

RACHEL: Hey, Mon, you want some help?

MONICA: If you want.

PHOEBE: [enters] Hey. What a day. I took her everywhere. The Museum of Modern Art, Rockefeller Center, Statue of Liberty.

RACHEL: She's still with you?

PHOEBE: Yeah. I guess she hasn't seen everything yet. I'll be right back, she has to go to the bathroom again. [Takes Mrs. Green's chin in her hand and says, in Mrs. Adelman's voice] Oh, such a pretty face.

MRS GREEN: This is so much fun, just the girls. You know what we should do? Does anybody have any marijuana?

RACHEL: God!

MONICA: All right, look, nobody's smoking pot around all this food. 

MRS GREEN: That's fine. I never did it. I just thought I might. So, what's new in sex?

RACHEL: Oh! What's new in sex?

MRS GREEN: The only man I've ever been with is your father.

MONICA: I'm dicing, I'm dicing, I don't hear anything.

MRS GREEN: I mean, this is no offense to your dad, sweetie, but I was thinking there might be more.

RACHEL: Oh, I'm sorry. You know what? I cannot have this conversation with you. I mean, god, you just come in here, and drop this bomb on me, before you even tell Daddy. What? What do you want? Do you want my blessing?

MRS GREEN: No.

RACHEL: You want me to talk you out of it?

MRS GREEN: No.

RACHEL: Then what? What do you want?

MRS GREEN: I guess I just figured of all people you would understand this.

RACHEL: Why on earth would I understand this?

MRS GREEN: You didn't marry your Barry. I did.

RACHEL: Oh.

MONICA: All right people, we're in trouble here. We've only got 12 hours and 36 minutes left. Move, move, move!

CHANDLER: Monica, I feel like you should have German subtitles.

MONICA: Joey, speed it up!

JOEY: I'm sorry, it's the pigs. they're reluctant to get in the blankets!

PHOEBE: Monica, how did this happen? I thought you had this all planned out.

MONICA: Do you want me to cry? Is that what you want? Do you wanna see me cry?

PHOEBE: Sir! No sir!

MONICA: [to Ross] All right, you!

ROSS: No. Look, I told you I am not a part of this thing.

MONICA: All right, look, Ross. I realize that you have issues with Carol and Susan, and I feel for you, I do. But if you don't help me cook, I'm gonna take a bunch of those little hot dogs, and I'm gonna create a new appetizer called "pigs in Ross". All right, ball the melon.

CHANDLER: Hey! How come I'm stuck dicing, when he gets to ball the melon.

[knock at the door]

MONICA: Hi.

CAROL: How's it going?

MONICA: It's goin' great. Right on schedule. Got my little happy helpers.[everyone groans]

CAROL: Fine, whatever.

ROSS: What's the matter?

CAROL: Nothing. Ok, everything. I think we're calling off the wedding.

ROSS: What?

MONICA: You're still gonna pay me, right? Or something a little less selfish.

ROSS: Carol, what's the matter? What happened?

CAROL: My parents called this afternoon to say they weren't coming.

ROSS: Oh my god.

CAROL: I mean, I knew they were having trouble with this whole thing, but they're my parents. They're supposed to give me away and everything.

ROSS: It's ok. I'm sorry.

CAROL: And then Susan and I got in this big fight because I said maybe we should call off the wedding, and she said we weren't doing it for them, we were doing it for us, and if I couldn't see that, then maybe we should call off the wedding. I don't know what to do.

ROSS: I uh can't believe I'm gonna say this, but I think Susan's right.

CAROL: You do?

ROSS: Look, do you love her? And you don't have to be too emphatic about this.

CAROL: Of course I do.

ROSS: Well then that's it. And if George and Adelaide can't accept that, then the hell with them. Look, if my parents didn't want me to marry you, no way that would have stopped me. Look, this is your wedding. Do it.

CAROL: You're right. Of course you're right.

MONICA: So we're back on?

CAROL: We're back on.

MONICA: You heard the woman. Peel, chop, devil! I can't believe I lost 2 minutes.

[at the wedding]

JOEY: It just seems so futile, you know ? All these women, and nothing. I feel like Superman without my powers, you know? I have the cape, and yet I cannot fly.

CHANDLER: Well now you understand how I feel every single day, ok? The world is my lesbian wedding.

[Wedding music starts, Phoebe noisily unwraps a piece of candy.]

PHOEBE: [Mrs. Adelman's voice] Butterscotch? No one? All right, you'll be sorry later.

[Monica pushes Ben down the aisle in a stroller. Susan is escorted by both her parents. Carol is escorted by Ross.]

CAROL: Thank you.

ROSS: Any time. [He doesn't want to let her go]

CAROL: Ross. [He lets her go]

MINISTER: You know, nothing makes God happier than when two people, any two people, come together in love. Friends, family, we're gathered here today to join Carol and Susan in holy matrimony.

PHOEBE: [Mrs. Adelman's voice] Oh my god. Now I've seen everything! [Phoebe's voice] Whoa, she's gone. She's gone. She's gone! Go ahead, get married. Go, go.

[At the reception, Monica and Ross watch Carol and Susan getting their picture taken.]

MONICA: Would you look at them?

ROSS: Yeah, can't help but.

JOEY: [to a wedding guest] How's that pig-in-the-blanket workin' out for you? [the guy nods] I wrapped those bad boys.

PHOEBE: I miss Rose. 

CHANDLER: Oh, yeah? 

PHOEBE: I know it's kind of weird, but I mean, she was a big part of my life there, you know, and now I just feel kind of alone.

WOMAN: You know, I uh, I couldn't help but overhear what you just said, and I think it's time for you to forget about Rose, move on with your life...how 'bout we go get you a drink?

PHOEBE: Ok, that's so nice.

[Chandler tries to warn Phoebe that the woman is coming on to her, but Phoebe doesn't see him.]

CHANDLER: [to an attractive woman] I shouldn't even bother coming up with a line, right? [The woman walks away]

RACHEL: Hey, Mom? Having fun?

MRS GREEN: Oh, am I! I just danced with a wonderfully large woman. And three other girls made eyes at me over the buffet. Oh, I'm not saying it's something I wanna pursue, but it's nice to know I have options.

RACHEL: There's more alcohol, right?

[Susan approaches Ross, who's looking lonely]

SUSAN: How you doin'?

ROSS: Ok.

SUSAN: You did a good thing today.

ROSS: Yeah.

SUSAN: You wanna dance?

ROSS: No, that's fine.

SUSAN: Come on. I'll let you lead.

ROSS: Ok.

[They dance; Carol looks on lovingly.]

CHANDLER: [to the woman who just rejected him] All right look. Penis schmenis. We're all people. [She walks away again.]

[at Monica and Rachel's]

MONICA: Ok, which one of us do you think is gonna be the first one to get married?

ROSS: Well, Mon, I was married.

PHOEBE: Yeah, me, too, technically.

RACHEL: I had a wedding.

MONICA: All right, just trying to start an interesting discussion.

JOEY: I got one. Which one of us do you think will be the last to get married? [They all look at Chandler]

CHANDLER: Isn't Ben in this?

ALL: Oh, yeah!

END 


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The One After the Superbowl

Originally written by Michael Borkow, Mike Sikowitz & Jeffrey Astrof 
Transcribed by Josh Hodge
Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein.

{Transcriber抯 Note: This is an hour-long special episode. Which means that the first part of this episode is episode 212. The second part of this episode is episode 213. Since episodes 212 and 213 are combined into one file, that抯 why there is no episode 213 in the season 2 table of contents and the numbers jump from episode 212 to 214.}

[Scene: In a TV commercial that the gang is watching at Monica and Rachel's.]

[A guy is sitting at his desk and his boss comes in and drops a huge pile of papers on his desk. The guy looks dejected.]

COMMERCIAL VOICEOVER: Can't get the monkey off your back? Then put it in your mouth...

[A monkey jumps on the desk and hands the guy a beer. He opens the beer and is suddenly on the beach, in a hammock, with beautiful women all around.]

COMMERCIAL VOICEOVER: ...With MonkeyShine Beer. [MonkeyShine theme] MonkeyShine Beer, 'cause it's a jungle out there.]

[Camera pans back from the TV to show the gang watching.]

ROSS: That commercial always makes me so sad.

JOEY: Yeah, but then the guy opens his beer and those girls run at him, so, everything seems to work out OK.

ROSS: I meant because the monkey in it reminds me of Marcel.

PHOEBE: I can see that, 'cause they both have those big brown eyes and, ya know, the little pouty chin.
MONICA: And the fact that they're both monkeys.

ROSS: Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing, ya know, giving him away.

RACHEL: Oh, Ross, you had to, I mean, he was humping everything in sight. I mean, I have a Malibu Barbi that will no longer be wearing white to her wedding.

ROSS: Remember when sometimes he'd borrow your hat, and, and when you got it back there'd be little monkey raisins in it.

CHANDLER: Yeah, well sure, when he did it, it was funny. When I did it to my boss's hat. . . all of the sudden I have this big attitude problem.

OPENING TITLES 

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are at the couch.] 

[Joey enters holding a letter]

JOEY: Hey, hey, check it out, guess what I got.

CHANDLER: Rhythm?

JOEY: No, my first fan mail.

ALL: Alright!

MONICA: [reading] 'Dear Dr. Remore, know that I love you and would do anything to have you.' Gosh. 'Your not-so-secretive admirer, Erica Ford.' Ooh wait, 'PS enclosed please find 14 of my eyelashes.'

RACHEL: Ya know, in crazy world, that means you're married.

MONICA: This wasn't addressed to Days of Our Lives, this is, this came to your apartment. There's no stamp on it, this woman was in our building.

JOEY: Oh my god, I got my very own stalker.

[Ross enters with a suitcase]

ROSS: Hey guys.

ALL: Hey.

PHOEBE: Ooh, where are you off to, Travelin' Jake?

ROSS: Well, there's this, uh, paleontology conference in L.A. so I figured I'd go and then drive down to the zoo and surprise Marcel.

CHANDLER: You know I think he will be surprised, 'till he realizes he's a monkey, and uh, you know, isn't capable of that emotion.

[Rob (Chris Isaac) enters]

RACHEL: Oh, Phoebe, that really cute guy is here again.

PHOEBE: Oh, oh, OK, so everyone, pretend like I'm telling you a story, OK. And, and it's really funny. So everyone just laugh, now.

[Everyone laughs]

PHOEBE: I know, I know. [to Rob] Hello.

ROB: Hi. I'm Rob Dohnen.

PHOEBE: Hi Rob Dohnen.

ROB: I don't know anything about music, but I think you're really, really great.

PHOEBE: Oh, wow.

ROB: Anyway, I schedule performers for the childrens libraries around the city and I was just thinking, have you ever thought about playing your songs for kids?

PHOEBE: Oh, I would love to have kids. . . you're, you're the, you're, me play the songs that I will write for them.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are standing around in the kitchen.]

JOEY: Hey, whaddya wanna do for dinner?

CHANDLER: Well we could just stay in and cook for ourselves. [both laugh hysterically]

[door buzzer goes off]

CHANDLER: Hello.

ERICA: It's Erica.

JOEY: Ah, the stalker.

ERICA: Never mind, it's open.

CHANDLER: [Joey grabs a frying pan] Yes, hitting her with a frying pan's a good idea. We might wanna have a backup plan, though, just in case she isn't a cartoon.

JOEY: Let's get out of here.

[They run out and knock on Monica and Rachel's door]

CHANDLER: The one time they're not home.

JOEY: OK, we'll just leave, and when we pass her on the stairs, she won't know it's me 'cause we've never met.
CHANDLER: That's how radio stars escape stalkers.

JOEY: She's comin'.

[Both run back in their apartment. There's a knock at the door.]

ERICA: It's me.

JOEY: Uhh, this is it, this is how we're gonna die. Ready?

CHANDLER: Wait, wait, wait. [Opens the top of the dish soap he's holding]

[Joey opens the door and sees Erica (Brooke Shields). Joey gets a huge smile and Chandler squeezed the dish soap in the air.]

ERICA: Hi.

JOEY: Erica.

[Scene: San Diego Zoo. Ross is at the Monkey cages.]

LIPSON: Hi, Dean Lipson, zoo administrator. I was told you had a question.

ROSS: Well, I uh, I can't seem to find the monkey I donated last year. He's a capuchan, answers to the name Marcel.

LIPSON: Ahh, I'm afraid I have some bad news. Marcel has passed on.

ROSS: Oh my God, what happened?

LIPSON: Well he got sick, and then he got sicker, and then he got a little better but then he died.

ROSS: I can't believe this.

LIPSON: I'm sorry Mr. Geller. But ya know, there's an old saying, 'Sometimes monkeys die.' It's not a great saying but it certainly is fitting today.

ROSS: Well, ya know, someone should have called me.

LIPSON: I'm sorry. Look, I know this can't bring him back but here, it's just a gesture.

ROSS: Zoo dollars?

LIPSON: Yes, and come see the bird show at 4. The macaws wear hats. Well it's a lot cuter if your monkey hasn't just died.

[Scene: Library. Phoebe is getting ready to sing for the kids. Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.]

[Phoebe pulls out her guitar]

KIDS: Ooohhh.

PHOEBE: I know.

MONICA: I can't believe Joey's having lunch with his stalker. What i-, what is she like.

CHANDLER: Well, you remember Cathy Bates in Misery?

RACHEL AND MONICA: Yeah.

CHANDLER: Well, she looks the exact opposite of that.

RACHEL: And she's not crazy?

CHANDLER: Oh no no no, she's a total wack job. Yeah, she thinks that Joey is actually Dr. Drake Remore.

RACHEL: Oh my God.

MONICA: Ah, and I mean, he's going out with her? He can not persue this.

CHANDLER: Hey, just because this woman thinks she can actually see Joey through the magical box in her living room doesn't mean she's not a person. I mean, does she not deserve happiness, does she not deserve love? What're you lookin' at me for? He's the one who wants to boff the maniac.

ROB: You OK?

PHOEBE: No, uh-uh, I'm just, I'm nervous. So, you know what, maybe if I just, if I picture them all in their underwear.

ROB: That's not a good idea, that's kinda the reason the last guy got fired.

PHOEBE: I'm just, I'm, I'm, I'm used to playing for grown-ups. Ya know, they just, grown-ups drink their coffee and do their grown-up thing, ya know, and kids listen. This is a huge responsibility. What? Are you gonna kiss me?

ROSS: I was thinkin' about it.

PHOEBE: OK. [they kiss] OK, alrighty, let's play some tunes. Hi everybody, I'm Phoebe

ALL: Hi Phoebe.

PHOEBE: OK, um, I'm gonna play, um, some songs about grandparents, OK. [singing]
Now, grandma's a person who everyone likes,
she bought you a train and a bright, shiny bike.
But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner,
And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner.
Now, your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru,
but the truth is she died and some day you will too.
La-la-la la la-la-la la la-la-la la...

[Scene: A nice restraunt. Joey and Erica are dining.]

ERICA: Oh, Drake, isn't it amazing?

JOEY: Yeah it is. . . what?

ERICA: Well, here we sit, devil may care, just a little while ago you were reattaching someone's spinal cord.

JOEY: Yeah, that was a tricky one. In reality, that operation takes like, over 10 hours, but they only showed it for 2 minites.

ERICA: Who's they?

JOEY: No one.

ERICA: Oh Drake, you are so talented, let me see those hands. Oh these hands, these beautiful hands, oh I could just eat them. . . but I won't.

JOEY: Good, otherwise my watch would fall off. [laughs hysterically]

ERICA: No, seriously. These hands. These miracle, magical, life-giving hands. Oh, just to be near them, touch them, maybe even lick one?

JOEY: Alright, just one. [she licks his hands rather emphatically] Wow, you're good at that.

[Some guy at another table starts choking]

WAITER: Oh my God! Someone, he's choking. Is anyone here a doctor?

ERICA: Well, yes, yes, the best doctor in all of Salem, Dr. Drake Remore.

[Scene: San Diege Zoo. Ross is still at the monkey cages. A janitor is sweeping.]

JANITOR: Meet me in the nocturnal house in 15 minutes.

ROSS: Uhh, hey look, I don't really enjoy being with other men that way. But, um, zoo dollars?

JANITOR: It's about your monkey. It's alive.

[Scene: Restraunt. Joey and Erica are still there.]

ERICA: I don't understand, why didn't you help that man?

JOEY: Uhh, cause, uhh, I'm a neurosurgeon and that was clearly a case of, uh, uh, foodal chokage. Alright, look, I got to tell you something.

ERICA: No, no no no, you don't have to tell me anything. You don't have to explain yourself to me. Ooh, who am I to question the great Dr. Drake Remore?

JOEY: But that's what...

ERICA: I should just be happy to be near you.

JOEY: Hey I- [she cuts him off with a kiss]

ERICA: Hey what?

JOEY: That's it, just hey. Like at the end of a dance, HEY! [she starts nibbling his hand] Hey. He-hey.

[Scene: Library. Phoebe is singing.]

PHOEBE: [singing] There'll be times when you get older
when you'll want to sleep with people
just to make them like you. . .
But don't.
Cause that's another thing that you don't wanna do, everybody
That's another thing that you don't wanna do.

MONICA: Excellent!

CHANDLER: Very informative!

RACHEL: Not at all inappropriate!

PHOEBE: Thank you for coming everybody. There're cookies in the back.

ROB: That was great, the kids loved you.

PHOEBE: Yay, I rock.

ROB: And you know why? Because you told the truth, and nobody ever tells kids the truth.You were incredible.

PHOEBE: But.

ROB: How did you know there was a but?

PHOEBE: I sense these things. It was either but or butter.

ROB: The thing is, I think some of the parents, they were kinda hopin' that you'd play more songs about like, barnyard animals.

PHOEBE: I can do that.

ROB: Really?

PHOEBE: Yeah.

ROB: Because that would be fantastic. What? You wanna kiss me?

PHOEBE: Thinkin' about it.

[Scene: San Diego Zoo. Ross and the janitor are in the nocturnal house.]

JANITOR: Ahh, the bat. Ambassador of darkness, flitting out of his cave like a winged messenger, sightless spectre of the macabe.

ROSS: Buddy, my monkey?

JANITOR: Oh, yeah, right. There was a break-in, few months back, inside job. Your monkey was taken.

ROSS: Oh my God. But the zoo told me that my monkey was dead.

JANITOR: The zoo! Do you believe everything the zoo tells ya?

ROSS: That, that's the only thing the zoo's ever told me.

JANITOR: Of course they're gonna say he's dead. They don't want the bad publicity. It's all a great big cover-up. Do you have any idea how high up this thing goes?

ROSS: That guy Lipson?

JANITOR: Lipson knows. Do you have any idea who else knows?

ROSS: No, I, I only know Lipson.

JANITOR: Hmm, Lipson knows huh? Ahh, hello Mr. Opossum, enigma of the trees, upside-down denizen of the night, taunting gravity with...

ROSS: Buddy, my monkey, my monkey.

JANITOR: Word on the street - well, when I say street, I mean those little pretend streets they have here at the zoo.

ROSS: Of course.

JANITOR: Your monkey found a new career, in the entertainment field. That's all I know.

ROSS: This is unbelievable.

JANITOR: So, what is this information worth to you, my friend?

ROSS: Are you trying to get me to bribe you?

JANITOR: Maybe.

ROSS: But you already told me everything.

[Scene: Library. Ross show up with a MonkeyShine Beer poster.]

ROSS: Check it out, he actually is the MonkeyShine monkey.

RACHEL: Well, so what're you gonna do?

ROSS: Well, I guess I'm gonna call the beer company and try to find out where he is.

CHANDLER: That's what I did when I lost my Clydesdales.

PHOEBE: OK, hi again.

ALL: Hi Phoebe.

PHOEBE: Today we're gonna start with some songs about barnyard animals.
[singing] Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo,
Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo.
Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up,
And that's how we get hamburgers.
Nooowww, chickens!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Monica, Rachel, and the guys are watching Days of Our Lives.]

TV DOCTOR: You're the only one who can save her Drake.

JOEY ON TV: Damnit, I'm a doctor, I'm not God.

ROSS: Well, there goes my whole belief system.

[knock at the door]

ERICA: It's Erica.

JOEY: Oh my God, quick turn off the TV.

RACHEL: No no no, wait, I wanna see what happens.

JOEY: Uh, I get Leslie out of the coma and then we make out.

RACHEL: Well how can that be, you were just kissing Sabrina?

MONICA: Rachel, it's a world where Joey is a neuro-surgeon.

JOEY: Hey Erica, c'mon in.

ERICA: How did you get here so fast, I just saw you in Salem?

JOEY: Right, they uh, they choppered me in. What's up?

ERICA: Ohh, and I see you're having a little party too. Is she here, huh, huh?

JOEY: Who?

ERICA: Sabrina. I know about you two. I saw you today kissing in the doctor's lounge.

JOEY: It's not what you think, that was...

ERICA: You told me I was the only one. [throws a glass of water in his face]

JOEY: Alright look, that's it. I don't think we should see each other anymore, alright. Look, I know I should have told you this a long time ago but I am not Drake Remore, OK. I'm not even a doctor, I'm an actor. I just pretend to be a doctor.

ERICA: Oh my God. Do the people at the hospital know about this?

JOEY: Somebody wanna help me out here?

RACHEL: Oh, I know, I know. [Turns on the TV. Joey in on it.]

ERICA: How, how can you be here and there.

JOEY: 'Cause it's a television show.

ERICA: Drake, what're you getting at?

JOEY: I'm not Drake.

ROSS: That's right, he's not Drake, he's Hans Remore, Drake's evil twin.

ERICA: Is this true?

RACHEL: Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because, because he pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me. [throws water in his face]

MONICA: And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't. [throws water in his face]

CHANDLER: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard. [throws water in his face]

ERICA: Is all this true?

JOEY: Yes, I'm afraid it is. You deserve much better than me Erica. You deserve to be with the real Drake, he's the one you fell in love with. Go to Salem, find him, he's the guy for you.

ERICA: Oh Hans. [They kiss]

ROSS: Hans...Hans...Yo evil twin.

JOEY: Right. Goodbye Erica, good luck in Salem. Take care

ERICA: I'll never forget you Hans. [Joey shuts the door in her face]

JOEY: OK, alright, the people who threw the water.

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Rob are sitting on the couch.]

PHOEBE: Fired! Why?

ROB: The library board has had a lot of complaints from parents about some of the stuff in your songs.

PHOEBE: I can't believe it. Did you tell your board about how kids want to hear the truth?

ROB: No.

PHOEBE: I see.

ROB: Maybe if you just played some regular kiddie songs.

PHOEBE: No. What do you, what do you want me to be, like some stupid, big, like, purple dinosaur?

ROB: I'm not saying you have to be Barney.

PHOEBE: Who's Barney.

[Scene: Central Perk. The whole gang is there.]

ROSS: Well, I tracked down Marcel and get this, he's healthy, he's happy, and he's right here in New York filming Outbreak II - The Virus Takes Manhattan.

RACHEL: You're kidding.

JOEY: This is amazing.

ROSS: I know.

JOEY: I finally get a part on TV and the monkey's makin' movies.

PHOEBE: OK, Rachel, I'm ready.

RACHEL: OK.

[little kid enters]

KID: Excuse me. Is this where the singing lady is that tells the truth?

PHOEBE: Um, yeah I guess that's me.

KID: [shouting out the door] She's here.

[a rush of kids enter]

PHOEBE: [singing] Sometimes men love women,
sometimes men love men,
and then there are bisexuals,
though some just say they're kidding themselves.
la la-la-la la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

[Scene: City street. The whole gang is walking up to the movie set.]

ROSS: This is so exciting, I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year.

CHANDLER: What, you never look down in the shower? Oh please. I'm not allowed to make one joke in the monkey-is-penis genre?

SECURITY GUARD: C'mon people, back up please, back up, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon.

ROSS: Uh, excuse me, uh, where can we find the monkey?

SECURITY GUARD: I'm sorry guys, closed set.

ROSS: Uh, I'm sorry, you don't understand, I'm, I'm, I'm a friend of his. We uh, we used to live together.

SECURITY GUARD: Yeah, and I have a time share in the Pocanos with Flipper.

MONICA: Ross, there he is.

ROSS: Hey, hey buddy, Marcel. Marcel. [Marcel doesn't react so Ross starts singing] In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. [no reaction from Marcel, Monica and Joey urge him on] In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. [Marcel looks over and everyone joins in] a-weema-way, a-weema-way..... [Marcel runs over and hops up on Ross's shoulder]

[Scene: The next time at the movie set.]

SECURITY GUARD: Uh, excuse me folks this is a uhh...

JOEY: Closed set. We know but we're friends with the monkey. [guard lets them in]

ROSS: Good morning. Hey pal, look who I brought. It's your old friend Harry Elefante. [Marcel grabs the elephant doll and throws it to the ground]

JOEY: Woah, dude, burn.

ROSS: I don't get it, he seemed so happy to see me yesterday.

TRAINER: Hey don't take it personal, he's under a lot of pressure, ya know, starring in a movie and all.

RACHEL: Now just how big of a star is Marcel?

TRAINER: In human terms, I'd say Cybill Shepard.

ALL: Woah.

CHANDLER: [to guys wering yellow isolation suits] So, are you guys in the movie, or are you just really paranoid.

DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Hey Sal, Jerry wants to know if the monkey's ready for the subway set?

JOEY: Uh, excuse me. Jerry is the director, which one's he?

DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: The one in the director's chair.

JOEY: Gotcha. Phoebs, walk with me.

PHOEBE: OK. Um, how come I'm walking with you?

JOEY: Well, we're, we're just goin' over here so that we can get away from the horrible flesh eating virus, for the love of God woman, listen to me. Is he lookin', is he lookin'?

SUSIE: We've got a problem.

DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Tell me.

SUSIE: I can't do Chris's makeup. She refuses to acknowledge that she has a moustasche.

DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Is it bad?

SUSIE: It looks like one of her eyebrows fell down. Now unless someone convinces her to let me bleach it, Jean-Claude Van Damme is gonna be making out with Gabe Kaplan.

DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: I'll talk to her.

SUSIE: I hate actors.

CHANDLER: [to an extra in fatigues] Nice camoflauge man, for a minute there I almost didn't see ya.

SUSIE: Excuse me.

CHANDLER: Ahhhh.

SUSIE: Uh, is your name Chandler?

CHANDLER: Uh, yes, yes it is.

SUSIE: Chandler Bing?

CHANDLER: Do you know me or are you just really good at this game?

SUSIE: I'm Susie Moss. Fourth grade, glasses, I used to carry around a box of animal crackers like a purse. 
CHANDLER: Susie Moss, right, yeah, wow, you look. . . great job growing up.

SUSIE: It's nice to see you're not still wearing that denim cap with all the little mirrors on it.

CHANDLER: Oh, right, well yeah, I graduated fourth grade and realized I wasn't a pimp.

SUSIE: Remember the class play? You, you pulled up my skirt and the entire auditorium saw my underpants.

CHANDLER: Yes, back then I, uh, used humor as a defense mechanism. Thank God I don't do that anymore.

[cut to Monica and Rachel walking through the set]

MONICA: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

RACHEL: What what what what?

MONICA: Jean-Claude Van Damme. I didn't know he was in this movie, he is so hot.

RACHEL: Ya think?

MONICA: The muscles from Brussels, wham bam Van Damme, did you see Time Cop?

RACHEL: No, was he any good in it?

MONICA: Rachel, he like, totally changed time.

RACHEL: Wow, so why don't you go talk to him?

MONICA: Oh, yeah.

RACHEL: What, so you go over there, you tell him you think he's cute, what's the worst that could happen?

MONICA: He could hear me.

RACHEL: OK, I'm doin' it for ya.

MONICA: Oh Rachel don't, don't you dare, don't, don't. Tell him I cook.

RACHEL: Excuse me. Hi.

VAN DAMME: Hi.

RACHEL: Um, this is gonna sound kinda goofy but uhhm, my friend over there, who cooks by the way, um, she thinks you're cute.

VAN DAMME: You don't think I'm cute?

RACHEL: I, I don't know, um, do you think you're cute? OK, we're kinda gettin' off the track here. Um, I was supposed to come here and tell you my friend thinks you're cute. So what should I tell her?

VAN DAMME: You can tell her I think her friend is cute.

[back to Chandler and Susie]

CHANDLER: No, Stephen Hurs was the kid who would eat anything for money, David Stein was the guy who had no elbows.

SUSIE: OK, well then who was the kid that got caught masturbating?

CHANDLER: OK that's not what he was doing. Alright, he was looking for his bus money.

[a voice in the background calls for makeup]

SUSIE: Oh that's me, I gotta go.

CHANDLER: Oh uh, o, OK.

SUSIE: Um, so listen, how many times am I gonna have to touch you on the arm before you ask me on a date.

CHANDLER: Well, uh, let's try one more. . . there you go, say Ernie's, 8 o'clock.

SUSIE: I'll be there, and who knows, if things go well, maybe this time I'll get to see your underwear.

CHANDLER: No one was around to hear that?

[back to Rachel and Monica]

MONICA: So what'd he say?

RACHEL: Agh, what a jerk. I kept talking about you and he kept asking me out. I mean, naturally, you know, I said no.

MONICA: Well, thanks anyway.

RACHEL: He just kept asking, and asking, and asking, and asking, and asking, and asking.

MONICA: Rachel if you, if you want to go out with him, you can. Sound like a big jerk to me but if that's what you want to do...

RACHEL: Jean-Claude she said yes, I'll see you tonight. Thank you.

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey and the girls are sitting at the couches.]

RACHEL: And then Jean-Claude took me to that place Crossroads and that's where we hung out with Drew Barrymore.

JOEY: Oh man, she's so smokin, she has got the greatest set of. . . no guys around, huh.

RACHEL: Does anybody need anything?

MONICA: Oh, I'll have an espresso. Oh acutally, I'll get it. If I ask you to, you'll probably end up drinking it yourself.

RACHEL: That is so unfair.

PHOEBE: I know. Oh, like you would drink her coffee after what you did to her with Van Damme.

[Ross enters]

ROSS: Hey Joey I have to cancel racketball for tonight, that was Marcel's trainer. He's gonna let me have him for a couple of hours.

JOEY: You're blowin' me off for a monkey?

ROSS: Hey, we can rescedule for Saturday.

JOEY: Yeah, unless you hook up with a bunch of pigeons.

[Chandler enters]

CHANDLER: Hey, stick a fork in me, I am done.

PHOEBE: Stick a fork what?

CHANDLER: Like, when you're cooking a steak.

PHOEBE: Oh, OK, I don't eat meat.

CHANDLER: Well then, how do you know when vegetables are done?

PHOEBE: Well you know, you juist, you eat them and you can tell.

CHANDLER: OK, then, eat me, I'm done.

CHANDLER: I've met the perfect woman. OK, we're sitting on her couch, we're fooling around, and then suddenly she turns to me and says, 'Do you ever want to do it in an elevator?'

MONICA: What did you say?

CHANDLER: Ahh, I believe my exact words were, 'Flaign,en - sten'. I mean I didn't know what to say, how do you know if you wanna do it on an elevator?

PHOEBE: Oh, you just know.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Susie are making out on the couch.]

SUSIE: Oh, shoot, we gotta go, got a reservation in 30 minutes.

CHANDLER: Oh no no no no, no no no no no no, you see, what I had planned shouldn't take more that 2, 3 minutes tops.

SUSIE: Oh, 200 seconds of passion. We gotta go.

SUSIE: But um, here's an idea, have you ever worn women's underwear?

CHANDLER: Well, ye, yes, actually, but, uh, they were my Aunt Edna's, and there were three of us in there.

SUSIE: Well I was thinking it would be um, kind of sexy if you wore mine tonight, at dinner.

CHANDLER: You want me to wear your panties?

SUSIE: Could ya?

CHANDLER: Well, if I was wearing your underwear then, uh, what would you be wearing?. . . You're swell.

[Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross is setting up for his time with Marcel. Joey is there.]

ROSS: OK, got the music, got the dinner. Oh and check it out, I made Marcel's favorite dish, banannacake.

JOEY: Oooh.

ROSS: With mealworms.

JOEY: Yaaahhh. Ahhh, candles. What'dya thinks gonna happen here tonight?

[phone rings]

ROSS: Hello. Oh hi, are you on your way ove-. Oh. No, no, I, I understand, I mean a monkey's gotta work. No it, it's no big deal, it' not like I uh, had anything special planned. Yeah OK, OK. OK, OK, bye.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Rachel are upset with each other. Phoebe is mediating.]

PHOEBE: OK, Rachel, why don't you start talking first.

RACHEL: Alright, I feel that this is totally unjustified. [Monica starts making faces behind her back] She gave me the green light, I did nothing but-. Do you think I can't see you in the TV set?

PHOEBE: Alright Monica, if there is something that you would like to share...

MONICA: Ya know, you had no right to go out with him.

RACHEL: That is the most ridiculous.

MONICA: You sold me out.

RACHEL: I did not sell you out.

MONICA: Yes you did. Absolutely.

RACHEL: Would you let me talk. [flicks Monica on the forehead]

MONICA: Did you just flick me?

RACHEL: OK, well, you wouldn't let me finish and I was jus- [Monica flicks her back] Ow. That hurt [flicks Monica]

MONICA: Quit flicking [flicks]

RACHEL: Ow, you stop flicking.

MONICA: You flicked me first.

[They keep flicking each other. This turns into slapping each other. This leads to wrestling on the floor. All the while Phoebe is saying "Happy thoughts". Eventually Phoebe gets fed up.]

PHOEBE: OK, now I'm gonna kick some ass.

[Phoebe grabs each of them by an ear]

MONICA AND RACHEL: Ow. Ow. Ow.

PHOEBE: Alright, now I will let go if you both stop.

RACHEL: Oh, what do you, you want me to stop seeing him, is that what you want?

MONICA: Uh-huh.

RACHEL: You want me to just call him up and tell him that you're seeing him instead? That's what you want?

MONICA: OK.

RACHEL: Oh that's what you want.

MONICA: Yes.

RACHEL: Fine.

MONICA: Fine,

PHOEBE: There we go.You know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.

[Scene: A fancy restraunt (Marcel's). Joey, Ross, Chandler, Susie, and the Director's Assistant are there.]

ROSS: Thanks for letting me tag along tonight you guys.

JOEY: Forget about it.

SUSIE: How you doin there squirmy?

CHANDLER: I'm hangin in. . . and a little out.

JOEY: So, assistant to the director. That's a really exciting job, I mean, you must have a ton of cool responsibilities.

DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: I have nothing to do with casting.

JOEY: So what're you guys gonna eat?

SUSIE: How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all over?

CHANDLER: Because I went to an all boys high school and God is making up for it.

SUSIE: I want you right here, right now.

CHANDLER: Right now, right here. Don't ya think we're in kind of a public plaaaa [Susie grabs him under the table] They do have the shrimp.

SUSIE: Meet me in the bathroom. [she leaves for the bathroom]

CHANDLER: I'm going to the bathroom now. [leaves for the bathroom]

[In the bathroom Susie and Chandler are kissing. She backs into a stall.]

SUSIE: C'mon.

CHANDLER: I can't believe we're doing this.

SUSIE: Alright mister, let's see those panties.

CHANDLER: Alrighty. [we see Chandler's pants drop from under the stall door]

SUSIE: Ooh. Ooh. But ya know what would be even sexier?

CHANDLER: What?

SUSIE: If you didn't have your shirt tucked into them.

CHANDLER: Oh.

SUSIE: Alright. Now I would like to see you wearing nothing but them. Take your clothes off.

CHANDLER: OK, but uh, I hope you realize this means we're gonna miss hearing about the specials.

SUSIE: C'mon hurry, hurry.

CHANDLER: Hey, do you want this done quick, or do you want this done right?

SUSIE: Alright, turn around. Time to see you from behind.

CHANDLER: OK.

[She turns him facing the toilet and sneaks out of the stall and gathers up his clothes.]

SUSIE: Oh, somebody's been doing his buns of steel video.

CHANDLER: Well, you want me to uh, clench anything, or-... Susie? Susie.

SUSIE: This is for the fourth grade.

CHANDLER: Huh? Where, whaddya mean?

SUSIE: Whaddo I mean. Whaddya mean, whaddo I mean? I mean underpants, mister, that's what I mean.

CHANDLER: What, what's what you mean?

SUSIE: My skirt, you lifted, kids laughing. I was Susie Underpants 'till I was 18.

CHANDLER: That was in the fourth grade. How could you still be upset about that?

SUSIE: Well um, why don't you call me in 20 years and tell me if you're still upset about this. [she leaves with his clothes]

CHANDLER: Alright, I hope you realize you're not getting these underpants back.

[Scene: Monica and Van Damme are walking down the street.]

MONICA: I can't believe this, just like 2 weeks ago I was watching Sudden Death, now I'm on a date with Jean-Claude Van Damme. Can you beat up that guy? [he nods] Can you beat up that guy?

VAN DAMME: Sure.

MONICA: This is so wild. Ya know, I gotta admit, I was kinda surprised that you agreed to go on a blind date.

VAN DAMME: Normally, I would not do it.

MONICA: Well, what made you make the exception for me?

VAN DAMME: 'Cause Rachel told me uh, you were dying to have a threesome with me and uh, Drew Barrymore. By the way, Drew has some groundrules and...

[Scene: Back at Monica and Rachel's apartment. They are now fighting about what Rachel told Van Damme.]

MONICA: Say you're sorry.

RACHEL: No. [hitting each other]

MONICA: Say it.

RACHEL: No. [hitting again]

[Monica grabs Rachel by the sweater. Rachel squirms out of it]

MONICA: Rachel, you say you're sorry or your sweater gets it.

RACHEL: OK, OK, that is my favorite sweater, that is my third date sweater.

MONICA: Say you're sorry.

RACHEL: OK, you wanna play? OK, let's play, let's play. [She grabs a jar of tomato sauce and Monica's purse]

MONICA: What're you gonna do?

RACHEL: You give me back my sweater or it's handbag marinara.

MONICA: You don't have the guts.

RACHEL: Oh yeah. Well, at least I wasn't too chicken to tell some guy I thought he was cute.

[Monica pulls a thread on Rachel's sweater and Rachel dumps the tomato sauce in Monica's purse]

PHOEBE: Oh alright, stop, STOP THE MADNESS. This is crazy. Who can even remember why this even started in the first place?

[Monica and Rachel start yelling at the same time]

PHOEBE: Yes that's right. But still, I-, look at your purse, look at your sweater, look at yourselves.

MONICA: I'll help you fix your sweater.

RACHEL: I'll help you throw out your purse.

MONICA: I'm sorry that I made you stop seeing him.

RACHEL: Well, I'm sorry I went out with him when I knew you liked him.

MONICA: I'm sorry that I borrowed your gloves [pulls Rachel's gloves out of her purse]

[Scene: Back at the restroom at Marcel's. Chandler is still in the stall, Joey comes in to go to the bathroom.]

[Joey starts whistling, Chandler finishes the tune. Joey whistles again.]

CHANDLER: Joey?

JOEY: Ma?

CHANDLER: Joey!

JOEY: Chandler? What're you still doin' here, I though you guys took off.

CHANDLER: Oh, no no no, she took off with my clothes.

JOEY: Are you naked in there?

CHANDLER: Not exactly. . . I'm wearin panties.

JOEY: Huh, you uh, you always wear panties?

CHANDLER: No, no, this is the first time.

JOEY: Wow, talk about your bad luck, I mean, the first time you try panties and someone walks off with your clothes.

CHANDLER: I was not trying them out, Susie asked me to wear them.

JOEY: Well, let me see.

CHANDLER: No. I'm not letting you or anybody else see, ever.

JOEY: Alright, alright. [climbs up in the next stall and looks over at Chandler] Woah, someone's flossing.

[Ross enters, sees Joey in the mirror]

ROSS: [to Joey who's looking over a toilet stall] Joey, some people don't like that.

JOEY: Chandler's wearing panties.

ROSS: What? Let me see. [climbs up in the other adjoining stall]

CHANDLER: No, no, you don't have to see.

ROSS: Hi Tushie.

CHANDLER: Alright, one of you give me your underpants.

JOEY: Can't help you, I'm not wearing any.

CHANDLER: How can you not be wearing any underwear?

JOEY: Oh, I'm gettin' heat from the guy in the hot pink thong.

CHANDLER: Alright look Ross I'll give you 50 dollars for your underpants.

[Some guy has entered.]

ALL: Hi.

[Back at the table. Joey and Ross return. Shortly, Chandler comes out, holding the stall door in front of him, and leaves.]

[Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Phoebe, and Chandler are sitting.]

CHANDLER: Hey Phoebs, can I have the milk after you?

PHOEBE: I'm almost done with it, keep your panties on.

[Joey enters]

JOEY: Hey, hey, and I'm in the movie.

ROSS: What happened?

JOEY: One of the virus victims called in sick, so Cathy recommended me and boom, I'm dying on the gurney. Oh Ross, Marcel just finished his last scene if you want to go down there and say goodbye.

ROSS: Ahh, oh that's OK, I mean, he's probably got, you know, parties to go to and stuff. But, ya know, he's moved on. Hey, that, that's the way it goes right.

PHOEBE: [sees Marcel at the window] Oh my God.

ROSS: What?

["Looks Like We Made It" starts playing and we enter a whole sequence of Marcel and Ross having fun in the city.]

[Scene: The movie set. Monica and Rachel are saying goodbye to Jean-Claude]

VAN DAMME: [to Rachel] I'm sorry it didn't work out between you and me, [to Monica] or you and me. Drew was very disappointed.

RACHEL: OK, well, bye. [kisses him]

VAN DAMME: Goodbye.

MONICA: Well, bye for me too. [kisses him]

RACHEL: OK, well, bye-bye again. [kisses him again]

MONICA: OK.

VAN DAMME: Perhaps, uh, the three of us, just could. . .

MONICA AND RACHEL: Oh, no no no no no.

VAN DAMME: Are you sure, I can crush a walnut with my butt.

MONICA AND RACHEL: No no no no.

RACHEL: Impressive.

MONICA: But no. Maybe if I were baking.

MONICA AND RACHEL: Bye-bye.

[Scene: City street. Whole gang is there seeing off Marcel.]

ROSS: Bye Marcel. See ya on the big screen. You keep people drinkin' that beer, OK. I miss you buddy.

[Marcel is driven off in a limo]

PHOEBE: You know, I think I want to write a song about all this.

RACHEL: Oh yeah.

PHOEBE: Yeah. Oh, except one of the strings on my guitar is broken. Hey, Chandler, can I borrow your G-string?

CHANDLER: How long you been waitin' to say that?

PHOEBE: About 20 minutes. CLOSING CREDITS 

[Scene: Filming a scene from the movie. Joey is dying on a gurney, Van Damme is looking over him.]

VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.

JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh.

DIRECTOR: Cut.

VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.

JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh.

DIRECTOR: Cut.

VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.

JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh. Mommy

DIRECTOR: Cut.

VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dead.
ENDThe One With the Prom Video

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Written by: Alexa Junge
Trascribed by: Josh Hodge


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NOTE: For this episode, I'm using italics to signify portions contained in the prom video.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is playing foosball by himself, Joey enters]

JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: Hey. Hold on a second. [shoots a goal] Huh?

JOEY: Nice, nice. Hey I got somethin' for you. [hands Chandler an envelope.

CHANDLER: What's this?

JOEY: Eight hundred and twelve bucks.

CHANDLER: Well, I don't know what Big Leon told ya but it's an even thousand if you want me for the whole night. What is this for?

JOEY: Well, I'm makin money now and this is payin' you back for head shots, electric bills, and so many slices of pizza I can't even count. I love ya man.

CHANDLER: Well, thanks man. Now I can get my pony.

JOEY: Hey, this is a little extra somethin' for uh, ya know, always bein' there for me. [hands Chandler a jewelry box]

CHANDLER: Wow, I don't know what to say. [opens the box and pulls out an incredibly gaudy gold bracelet] Wow, I, I don't know what to say.

JOEY: Heh, what d'ya say?

CHANDLER: I don't know. It's a bracelet.

JOEY: Isn't it? And it's engraved too, check it out.

CHANDLER: [reads] To my best bud. [puts it back in the case] Thanks best bud.

JOEY: Put it on.

CHANDLER: Oh, now? [puts it in his desk drawer] No, no, I think something this nice should be saved for a special occasion. [sets a chair in front of the drawer]

JOEY: Oh, no no, that's the beauty part, it goes with everything. [gets the bracelet from the drawer] You put this on, you're good to go. [puts the bracelet on Chandler] Ohhh man, you are so wearin' that bracelet.

CHANDLER: I so am.

JOEY: You have any idea what this'll do for your sex life?

CHANDLER: Well, it'll probably slow it down at first but, once I get used to the extra weight, I'll be back on track.

OPENING TITLES 

[Scene: A kitchen somewhere. Monica is interviewing for a job]

INTERVIEWER: Well, this all looks good.

MONICA: Great.

INTERVIEWER: And if I want to call for a reference on your last job?

MONICA: Oh, that's there on the bottom, see the manager, Chandler Bing.

INTERVIEWER: Alright, lets see if you're as good in person as you are on paper. Make me a salad.

MONICA: A salad? Really I, I could do something a little more complicated if you like.

INTERVIEWER: No, just a salad will be fine.

MONICA: You got it.

INTERVIEWER: Now, I want you to tell me what you're doing while you're doing it.

MONICA: Alright, well I'm tearing the lettuce.

INTERVIEWER: Uh-huh. Is it dirty?

MONICA: Oh-oh, no no don't worry, I'm gonna wash it.

INTERVIEWER: Don't, I like it dirty.

MONICA: That's your call.

INTERVIEWER: So, uh, what are you going to do next?

MONICA: Well, I thought that I would cut up the tomatos.

INTERVIEWER: Are they, uh, firm?

MONICA: They'r alright.

INTERVIEWER: You sure they haven't gone bad? You're sure they're not very, very bad?

MONICA: No really, they're OK.

INTERVIEWER: You gonna slice them up real nice?

MONICA: Actually, I was gonna do them jullienne.

INTERVIEWER: Aaaahhhhhhh.

MONICA: I'm outa here. [Monica leaves]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting at the couch. Ross is sitting at the table and answers the phone.]

ROSS: Y-ello. No, Rachel's not here right now, can I take a message? Alright, and how do we spell Casey, is it like at the bat or and the Sunshine Band? OK, bye-bye. Hey, who's this uh, this Casey?

PHOEBE: Oh, some guy she met at the movies.

ROSS: Oh really? What uh, what does he want with her?

CHANDLER: Well, I'm guessing he wants to do a little dance. . . ya know, make a little love. . . well pretty much get down tonight.

ROSS: [puts the message in the cupboard] I don't know, I don't get, I don't get it, I mean, wh, wh, two months ago Rachel and I were like, this close. Right now, what, I'm takin messages from guys she, she meets at the movies? I mean this, this Casey should be takin' down my messages, ya know, or, or, Rachel and I should be together and, and we should get some kind of me, message service.

PHOEBE: Hang in there, it's gonna happen.

ROSS: Wha, OK, now how do you know that?

PHOEBE: Because she's your lobster.

CHANDLER: Oh, she's goin' somewhere.

PHOEBE: C'mon you guys. It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You know what, you can actually see old lobster couples walkin' around their tank, ya know, holding claws like. . .

[Monica enters from bathroom after taking a shower]

CHANDLER: Hey, you feelin' better?

MONICA: Yeah, I think that fifth shower actually got the interview off me.

PHOEBE: So, do you have any other possibilities?

MONICA: Oh yeah, well there's the possibility that I won't make rent.

ROSS: Monica, if you want, I can lend you some money.

MONICA: No no no, if I couldn't pay you back right away then I'd feel guilty and tense every time I saw you.

ROSS: Oh OK. Well then why don't you, uhh, why don't you borrow it from mom and dad? You feel guilty and tense around them already. You might as well make some money off of them.

CHANDLER: Ya know, the man's got a point. [gestures with his arm and the bracelet falls off]

PHOEBE: What is that sparkly thing?

CHANDLER: That thing, it's a uhh. . . yeah it's, it's a little flashy.

ROSS: No no, no no, it's not flashy, not for a Goodfella.

MONICA: Man, man that is sharp. It must have cost you quite a few debloons.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica answers the door and lets her parents in. They are carrying boxes.]

MONICA: Hi.

MR. GELLER: Hi.

MRS. GELLER: Hi darling.

MONICA: So, what's this.

MR. GELLER: Some of your old stuff.

MRS. GELLER: Well sweetie, we have a surprise for you. We're turning your room into a gym.

MONICA: Wow, that is a surprise. Just one little question, uh, why not Ross's room?

MR. GELLER: Gosh, we talked about that but your brother has so many science trophies and plaques and merit badges, well we didn't want to disturb them.

MONICA: Oh, God forbid.

[Rachel enters with a laundry basket]

MRS. GELLER: Oh, hi Rachel.

RACHEL: Hi.

MRS. GELLER: Oh, we were so sorry to hear about your parents splitting up, dear.

RACHEL: Oh, well, you know, they're just separated so, you know, never know, we'll see.

MR. GELLER: Well, I can't say any of us were surprised. Your parents have been unhappy ever since we've known them. Especially after that incident in Hawaii.

RACHEL: What, what incident?

MR. GELLER: Uhh, naa, no no no, I, I must be thinking of someone else, uh, maybe me. Don't you have some folding to do? Go fold dear. Fold. You fold. [shuffles her into her room]

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting on couches. A beautiful woman is looking at Chandler.]

PHOEBE: Do you want a refill?

CHANDLER: No, I'm alright, thanks.

PHOEBE: OK. Ooh, OK, you gotta give me a second, I wanna get this just right. [she sticks out her gut, clears her throat and sniffs her nose and then in her best male voice. . .] Dude, 11 o'clock, totally hot babe checkin' you out. That was really good, I think I'm ready for my penis now.

CHANDLER: [walks over to the woman] I know what you're thinking, Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy's.

GAIL: I'm Gail.

CHANDLER: Chandler. [waves his arm around, exposing the bracelet]

GAIL: I, I really have to be somewhere but it was nice meeting you.

CHANDLER: What? [realizes it was the bracelet] Oh this is excellent. You know he coulda gotten me a VCR, he coulda gotten me a set of golf clubs, but no, he has to get me the woman repeller, the eyesore from the Liberace house of crap.

PHOEBE: It's not that bad.

CHANDLER: Oh, yeah, easy for you to say, you don't have to walk around sporting some reject from the Mr. T collection. [Joey walks in behind Chandler]

PHOEBE: Chandler, Chandler.

CHANDLER: I pity the fool who puts on my jewelry, I do, I do. I pity the fool that. . . [turns around and sees Joey] Hi. Hey man, we were just doin' some uhh, impressions over here. Do your Marcel Marceau. [Joey turns around and walks out without saying anything] That's actually good.

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is talking to a man at the counter. Ross and Phoebe are sitting at the couches.]

ROSS: Would you look at that guy, I mean how long has he been talking to her. It's like, back off buddy she's a waitress not a geisha.

PHOEBE: I think she's OK.

ROSS: [Rachel, laughing, puts a hand on the guy's shoulder] Look at that, look at that, see how she's pushing him away and he won't budge. Alright, I'm gonna do something. [walks up in the middle of their conversation] Excuse me, are you Rachel?

RACHEL: What?

ROSS: I'm Ross Geller. Wha, I'm, God in your add you said you were pretty but wow.

RACHEL: What are you, what are you doin'?

ROSS: Oh, oh my God, is this the wrong day? I don't believe it, uh, well, hey, I guess if it works out we'll, we'll have something to tell the grandkids.

MAN: Sure will. I've uh, gotta go. Take care.

ROSS: OK, see ya later, nice meeting you. [man leaves] You're welcome.

RACHEL: What?

ROSS: I was saving you.

RACHEL: Saving, saving, saving me from the pleasant conversation with the interesting man, saving me?

ROSS: Oh, see from where I was sitting I uh. . .

RACHEL: OK, Ross, listen to me, I am not yours to save.

ROSS: But, you are.

RACHEL: What?

ROSS: Uh, uh, well you're, umm, you're my lobster.

RACHEL: OK, you know what, are, are you being like, the blind date guy again?

ROSS: No no, you're uh, you're my lobster. See um, lobsters, uhh, in the tank when, when they're old, uhh, they get with, uhh, they walk around holding the claws. In the tank, ya know, with, with the holding and. . . Uhh, Phoebs you wanna help me out with the, the whole lobster thing?

PHOEBE: Do the claws again.

ROSS: Rach. OK, forget, forget the lobsters OK. We're, let's talk, what about us?

RACHEL: Ross, there is no us, OK.

ROSS: No, but. . .

RACHEL: No, listen to me. I fell for you and I get clobbered. You then fall for me and I again, somehow, get clobbered. I'm tired of being clobbered, ya know, it's, it's just not worth it.

ROSS: Well, but, but. . .

RACHEL: NO but Ross. We are never gonna happen, OK. Accept that.

ROSS: E-except, except that what?

RACHEL: No, no, ACC-cept that.

ROSS: Oh.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is there. Joey enters.]

CHANDLER: Hey man, look it's my best bud. How ya doin? [Joey doesn't respond] Wow, you are really gettin' good at that Marcel Marceau thing. Hey, whaddya say uh, we play some ball, you and me, huh, whaddya say? [Throws a basketball to Joey. Joey doesn't move to catch it and the ball takes out a lamp] OK, that's my bad.

JOEY: If you hated the bracelet so much, Chandler, you should have just said so.

CHANDLER: Well, doesn't the fact that I wore the bracelet even though I hated it say something about our friendship and how much it means to me?

JOEY: Well, what about the fact that you insulted the bracelet and you made fun of me?

CHANDLER: OK, well that's the part where I'm a wank. But I was hoping we wouldn't focus on that. [Joey goes to his room and shuts the door] Hey, c'mon man, I said I was sorry like a hundred times, I promise I will never take it off my. . . [notices the bracelet is missing from his wrist] wrist. But if, if you want to stay in there and be mad, you know, you just uh, you stay in there. [he starts searching the room, lifting up the couch cushions]

JOEY: You know what the. . . [sees Chandler on his knees, holding the couch cushions]

CHANDLER: I am here, on my knees, holding up these couch cushions as a symbol of my sorrow and regret, much like they did in biblical times. Though you may haveth anger now. . . [Joey returns to his room]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Mr. and Mrs. Geller are watching tennis on TV, Monica is sitting at the table]

MR. GELLER: You know, that Steffi Graf has quite a tush. I'm just saying, it's right there.

ROSS: Hey guys.

MRS. GELLER: Hi, darling. Where's my grandson, you didn't bring him?

ROSS: No, he's at uh, Carol's and Susan's today.

MR. GELLER: A woman in my office is a lesiban. I'm just saying.

MRS. GELLER: Oh, Jack look, there's that house paint commercial that cracks you up. [the Gellers return to watching TV and Ross goes over to Monica]

MONICA: Where have you been?

ROSS: Emotional hell. So, did they lend you the money yet?

MONICA: No, but that's probably 'cause I haven't asked them yet.

ROSS: C'mon Monica, do it. Hey, you guys, um, Monica has some news.

MONICA: Um, yeah, so uh, uhh, listen, I'm sorry I didn't tell you this before but umm, I, I'm no longer at my job, I, I had to leave it.

MRS. GELLER: Why?

MONICA: Because they made me.

MRS. GELLER: You were fired? What're you gonna do?

MR. GELLER: Judy, Judy, relax, this is our little harmonica we're talking about. We taught her well. Ten percent of your paycheck, where does it go?

MONICA and ROSS: In the bank.

MR. GELLER: There you go. So she dips into her savings, that's what it's there for. She's gonna be fine, and if you need a little extra, you know where to find it. [pulls a quarter from behind her ear]

MONICA: Anything larger back there?

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Phoebe enter.]

CHANDLER: I can't believe it.

PHOEBE: Would you stop already? Get out of the bitter barn and play in the hay.

CHANDLER: Oh, you're right I, I should play in the hay. Forget about the fact that I just dropped 400 dollars to replace a bracelet that I hated to begin with. Bring on the hay. [sits down at the bar]

RACHEL: [comes up from behind the bar and startles Chandler] Hey. I've got something that's gonna make you happy. Guess what Gunther found? [holds up Chandler's bracelet]

PHOEBE: Hey now you have two. [Chandler looks annoyed] Oh, now you have two.

CHANDLER: What am I gonna do, huh? [Joey walks in behind him]

JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: Hey.

JOEY: How come you have two?

CHANDLER: Well this one's for you.

JOEY: Get out.

CHANDLER: No, I can't. No no, listen, I, I know how much this means to you and I also know that this is about more than just jewelry, [puts bracelet on Joey] it's about you and me and the fact that we're [reading bracelet] best buds.

JOEY: Wow, is this friendship? I think so. Check it out, we're bracelet buddies.

CHANDLER: That's what they'll call us.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Ross are standing in the kitchen. Ross is filling out a check]

ROSS: Here you go, you can pay me back whenever you like.

MONICA: You have dinosaur checks?

ROSS: Yeah, yeah I mean, you get your money and you learn a little something, what's wrong with that?

MONICA: Nothin', nothin', hey you're a cheapasaurus. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, thank you, I'm very greatful.

PHOEBE: [Standing in living room with Chandler and Joey. She pulls a huge bathing suit out of a box] Hey, Mon, what is this?

MONICA: Oh, um, that was my bathing suit from high school. I was uh, a little bigger then.

CHANDLER: Oh, I thought that's what they used to cover Connecticut when it rained.

JOEY: [pulls out a VCR tape] Hey Monica, what's on this video tape?

MONICA: Hey, you got me, put it in.

ROSS: [Rachel enters] Oh.

RACHEL: Hi.

ROSS: Hi.

MRS. GELLER: Over here Jack. OK. I see, Rachel's coming up the path. Oh doesn't she look pretty. Jack, get this. [Rachel enters with a huge nose]

RACHEL: Oh my God.

JOEY: What is with your nose?

RACHEL: They had to reduce it because of, of my deviated septum.

CHANDLER: OK, I was wrong, that's what they used to cover Connecticut.

MONICA: You know what this is, this is us getting ready for the prom.

RACHEL: Oh.

ROSS: You know what, you guys, we don't have to watch this.

ALL: Oh yeah we do. C'mon.

MRS. GELLER: Get a shot of Monica. Where's Monica.

MONICA: Over here dad. [he pans over and we see a torso taking up the whole screen]

MR, GELLER: Wait, how do you zoom out? [zooms out and we see an extremely overweight Monica eating a big sandwich] There she is.

JOEY: Some girl ate Monica.

MONICA: Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds.

CHANDLER: Ahh, so how many cameras are actually on you?

MONICA: Oh, you look so great.

RACHEL: Ahh, so do you, beautiful. [they hug]

MONICA: Oops.

RACHEL: What?

MONICA: Shoot, I think I got mayonaise on you.

RACHEL: Oh, that's OK, it's just the shoulder, it's not my dress.

MR. GELLER: Everybody smile.

MONICA: Oh, dad, turn it off.

MR. GELLER: It is off.

MONICA: Dad, it is not. What's with the red light?

MR. GELLER: It's the off light. Right Ross? [pans over to see Ross with an afro and moustache]

JOEY: Lookin' good Mr. Cotter.

ROSS: You look pretty tonight.

RACHEL: Oh, thanks. So, uh, what are you gonna do this summer?

ROSS: Oh, you know, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna hang out, work on my music.

RACHEL: [the shoulders of her dress keep falling off her shoulders] Is my hook unhooked? These things keep falling down, I can't. . .

ROSS: Uh, hold, let me see, I don't know. So what're you gonna do. . . [doorbell rings]

RACHEL: Oh, the guys are here.

ROSS: this summer?

CHANDLER: Work on your music?

[Ross is sitting on the stairs with a laptop keyboard playing 'Axel-F']

RACHEL: Oh my God, look there's Roy Gublik.

MONICA: Ya know, Roy saw Star Wars 317 times. His name was in the paper.

RACHEL: Where's Chip, why isn't he here yet?

ROY: He'll be here OK, take a chill pill. [Chip pins Monica's corsage on, Monica then turns and whispers to Rachel]

MONICA: I just told Rachel that Roy touched my boob.

RACHEL: I can't go to my own prom without a date, I can't, it's too late.

MONICA: If you're not going then I don't want to go either.

ROY: Oh, I'm gonna kick Chip's ass.

MRS. GELLER: [to Ross on the stairs] I have a wonderful idea. You should take Rachel to the prom.

ROSS: Doubtful.

MRS. GELLER: Jack, give me that. Talk to your son.

MR. GELLER: Your mother's right. Take her, you can wear my tux.

ROSS: Dad, she won't want to go with me.

MR. GELLER: Of course she would, you're a college man.

ROSS: I don't know.

MR. GELLER: Well, c'mon. Don't ya want to find out?

RACHEL: I can't believe I don't get to go to my own prom, this is so harsh.

ROSS: OK. Hold my board.

MR. GELLER: Atta boy. [Ross scrambles upstairs to change]

ROSS: OK, you guys, ya know, I think we've seen enough, let's turn it off.

ALL: No, no, no.

ROSS: OK, fine, well I'm not gonna watch, alright.

MR. GELLER: C'mon kid, let's go.

MRS. GELLER: Ahh, are you hadsome.

MR. GELLER: Let's show 'em.

ROSS: Uh, just a sec dad. [to himself] OK, be cool, just be cool. [walks down the stairs and grabs the flowers out of the vase on the endtable] OK dad.

MR. GELLER: [going downstairs] Rachel, ready or not, here comes your knight in shining. . . oh no. [Chip has shown up and the four are leaving]

RACHEL, MONICA, ROY, and CHIP: Bye.

MRS. GELLER: Oh, dear. Jack, how do I turn this off?

MR. GELLER: Press the button.

MRS. GELLER: Which one? Which button, Jack.

MR. GELLER: The button, the button.

MONICA: I can't believe you did that.

ROSS: Yeah, well.

[Rachel, seeing what he did for her, gets up, walks across the room, and kisses Ross]

PHOEBE: See, he's her lobster.

CLOSING CREDITS 

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is watching the rest of the tape]

MRS. GELLER: Dance with him.

MONICA: Mom, I'm hungry.

MRS. GELLER: Dance with your father.

MR. GELLER: I may not know any of your flash dances but I'm no slouch on the dance floor.

MONICA: Alright.

[the tape cuts to Monica's parents under the covers]

MRS. GELLER: Oh, Jack.

MR. GELLER: Oh, Judy. Oh, Judy.

BOTH: Oh, ohhhhh.

[Monica is visibly upset]

END


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The One Where Rachel and Ross... You Know

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Originally written by 
Transcribed by: Josh Hodge
With Minor Adjustments by: Dan Silverstein.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey and Chandler enter with Chandler covering his eyes and Joey leading him.]

JOEY: Alright, no peeking. No peeking, no peeking, no peeking.

CHANDLER: Alright, alright, but you better be wearing clothes when I open my eyes.

JOEY: Alright open your eyes. [opens his eyes to see two black leather recliners and a big screen TV]

CHANDLER: Sweet mother of all that is good and pure.

JOEY: Huh? Days of our Lives picked up my option.

CHANDLER: Congratulations!

JOEY: I know.

chandler: Now we can finally watch Green Acres the way it was meant to be seen.

JOEY: Uh-huh.

CHANDLER: So uh, which one is mine?

JOEY: Whichever one you want, man. Whichever one you want. [Chandler starts to sit in one of the chairs] Not that one.

CHANDLER: [sits down] Ohh yes.

JOEY: [sits down] Ohh yeah, that's the stuff.

CHANDLER: [reaches for the footrest lever] Do we dare?

JOEY: We dare.

BOTH: [both extend the footrests] Aaahhhh. [both recline their chairs] AAAAHHHHHH.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are sitting in their recliners watching TV. Monica, Ross, and Phoebe are there.]

PHOEBE: I can't believe two cows made the ultimate sacrifice so you guys could watch TV with your feet up.

CHANDLER: Well they were chair-shaped cows. They never would have survived in the wild.

ROSS: This screen is amazing, I mean Dick Van Dyke is practically life-size.

ALL: Woah!

MONICA: Rose Marie really belongs on a smaller screen, doesn't she?

[Rachel enters]

RACHEL: Hi you guys.

ALL: Hey.

RACHEL: Hey you.

ROSS: Hey you. [they stand together in front of the TV.]

CHANDLER and JOEY: Woah, hey, yo. [Rachel and Ross move]

RACHEL: So, uh, how was your day?

ROSS: Oh you know, pretty much the usual, uh, sun shining, birds chirping.

RACHEL: Really? Mine too.

PHOEBE: Hey cool, mine too.

ROSS: [beeper goes off] Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to get to the museum. So um, I'll see you tonight.

RACHEL: OK. [they go to kiss but everyone's watching so Ross just kisses her on the top of her head and leaves]

ROSS: Bye guys.

ALL: Bye.

MONICA: [walks up to Rachel in front of the TV] Tonight?

CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey, yo. [they move from out of in front of the TV]

MONICA: What's tonight?

RACHEL: It is our first official date. Our first date.

MONICA: Uh, hello.

RACHEL: Hi.

MONICA: Tonight you're supposed to waitress for me, my catering thing, any of those words trigger anything for you?

RACHEL: God, oh God Monica, I forgot. This is our first date.

MONICA: Yes but my mom got me this job.

PHOEBE: OK, I can be a waitress, I can be a waitress.

RACHEL: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. See Phoebe, Phoebe.

MONICA: Really Phoebs? Because, you know, you'd have to be an actual waitress. This can't be like your 'I can be a bear cub' thing.

PHOEBE: I can be a waitress. OK watch this. Um, gimme two number ones, 86 the bacon, one Adam and Eve on a raft and rick'em, la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la.

[Scene: Dr. Burke's apartment. Dr. Burke answers the door for Phoebe and Monica.]

PHOEBE: It's James Bond.

MONICA: Sorry we're late.

DR. BURKE: Ah, that's OK, come on in. Um, I'm sorry, is Monica Geller coming? I was told she was.

MONICA: Dr. Burke, it, it's me.

DR. BURKE: Monica? My God you used to be so. . . I mean you, you, you, you must have lost like. . . You look great.

MONICA: Thank you. This is my friend Phoebe. She's gonna be helping me tonight.

DR. BURKE: Hi Phoebe, nice to meet you. [Phoebe just giggles when they shake] So, how ya been?

MONICA: I've been great, just great. How have you been? [tilting her head]

DR. BURKE: Oh, well obviously you know Barbara and I split up, otherwise you wouldn't have done the head tilt.

MONICA: The head tilt?

DR. BURKE: Yeah, since the divorce, when anybody asks me how I am, it's always with a sympathetic head tilt. [demonstrating] 'How ya doin'? You OK?'

MONICA: I'm sorry.

DR. BURKE: No no, it, it's fine, believe me. I do it too. I always answer with the 'I'm OK' head bob. [demonstrates] 'I'm OK.' [tilts head] 'You sure?' [bobs head] 'Yeah, I'm fine.' Hey listen, I've got to set up the music. I got a new CD changer, of course the divorce only left me with 4 CD's to change.

MONICA: [her and Phoebe tilt their heads] Oh, that's too bad.

DR. BURKE: [bobbing his head] I'll survive.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They're still in their chairs watching TV. Chandler is ordering a pizza.]

CHANDLER: Uh, two larges, extra cheese on both. But listen, don't ring the buzzer for 19, ring 20, Geller-Green, they'll let you in, OK. If you buzz our door, there's no tip for you. OK, thanks. Pizza's on the way. I told you we wouldn't have to get up.

JOEY: What if we have to pee?

CHANDLER: I'll cancel the sodas.

[Scene: Dr. Burke's apartment. Monica and Dr. Burke are in the kitchen.]

MONICA: You've got to get back out there, it's your party.

DR. BURKE: But they're so dull, they're all opthamologists.

MONICA: You're an opthamologist.

DR. BURKE: Only because my parents wanted me to be, I wanted to be a sherrif.

PHOEBE: [entering the kitchen from the party] That's funny, no. Cadillac, cataract, I get it, no I get it, you stay out there.

DR. BURKE: See.

MONICA: Alright, I'll tell you what. I'll come get you in 5 minutes with some sort of um, kabob emergency.

DR. BURKE: OK. You better. Oh God, here we go. Hey wanna see 'em go nuts? Watch this. [grabbing some wine glasses and opening the door to the party] Who needs glasses? [everyone laughs]

PHOEBE: You are so smitten.

MONICA: I am not.

PHOEBE: Oh, you are so much the smitten kitten. You should ask him out.

MONICA: Dr. Burke? I don't think so. I mean, like, he's a grown up.

PHOEBE: So. You two are totally into each other.

MONICA: Phoebe, he's a friend of my parents. He's like 20 years older than me.

PHOEBE: OK, so what, you're just never gonna see him again?

MONICA: Not never. I mean, I'm gonna see him tomorrow at my eye appointment.

PHOEBE: Didn't you like, just get your eyes checked?

MONICA: Well yeah, but, you know, uh, 27 is a dangerous eye age.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ross and Rachel are returning from a movie.]

RACHEL: C'mon, I'm not saying it was a bad movie, I'm just saying, you know, it was a little. . . hard to follow.

ROSS: I told you there was going to be sub-titles.

RACHEL: I know, I just didn't want to wear my glasses on my first date.

[They start kissing.]

RACHEL: Monica.

ROSS: It would really help when I'm kissing you if you didn't shout out my sister's name.

RACHEL: Honey, I'm just checking.

ROSS: Oh.

RACHEL: Monica.

ROSS: Mon.

RACHEL: Monica.

ROSS: Mon.

[Since they're alone they start kissing and Ross's hands work their way down until they're on Rachel's butt. Rachel starts laughing.]

ROSS: What, what.

RACHEL: I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry, it's just that when you moved your hands down to my butt, it was like woah, Ross's hands are on my butt. Sorry.

ROSS: And that's, that's funny why?

RACHEL: Well it's not, honey I'm sorry, I guess I'm just nervous. I mean, it's you, ya know, it's us. I mean, we're crossing that line, sort of a big thing.

ROSS: I, I know it's big, I just didn't know it was uh, ha-ha big.

RACHEL: OK. [start kissing again and Rachel starts lauging again]

ROSS: OK, my hands were no where near your butt.

RACHEL: I know, I know, I know, I know. I was just thinking about when they were there the last time, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. OK, OK, look, woah, I promise, I'm good, I'm not gonna laugh anymore. OK put your hands back there.

ROSS: No see now, now I can't because uh, I'm feeling too self conscious.



RACHEL: Just one cheek.

ROSS: Nuh, uh, the moment's gone.

RACHEL: Alright, just put your hands out and I'll back up into them.

ROSS: That's romantic.

RACHEL: C'mon touch it.

ROSS: No.

RACHEL: Oh, come on squeeze it.

ROSS: No.

RACHEL: Rub it.

ROSS: No.

RACHEL: Oh, come on, would you just grab my ass.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They are watching a Miracle Wax info-mercial.]

JOEY: Wow, look at that. The car is on fire, yet somehow it's expensive paint job is protected by the Miracle Wax.

CHANDLER: You got a Cheeto on your face man.[Joey removes the Cheeto and eats it]

[Ross enters]

JOEY: Hi.

CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey.

JOEY: What're you doin' here? Aren't you supposed to be out with Rachel?

ROSS: That was 14 hours ago.

CHANDLER: So how'd it go?

ROSS: Oh. Listen, have you ever been uh, you know, foolin' around with a girl and uh, she started laughin'?

CHANDLER: Yeah, but uh, it was 1982 and my flock of seagulls haircut was tickling her chin.

JOEY: She laughed at you?

ROSS: Yeah. I don't know, I've been wanting this since like ninth grade typing, ya know. And I just want it to be perfect and right and. . . why isn't that laser beam cutting through the paint?

CHANDLER: It's the Miracle Wax.

JOEY: It certainly is a miracle.

[Rachel enters]

RACHEL: Hi you guys.

CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey.

ROSS: Hey.

RACHEL: Hi. Listen, I was um, thinkin' about. . .

CHANDLER: Listen can you guys uh, speak up, it's harder for us to hear you when you lower your voice.

[Rachel and Ross go out in the hall]

RACHEL: OK, listen, I'm sorry about last night and I really want to make it up to you.

ROSS: No, you, ya know there's no need to make it u. . . how?

RACHEL: Well, I was thinking maybe a um, a romantic dinner with um, candles and wine and then uh, maybe going back to my place for um, dessert.

ROSS: Humm, that sounds, I don't, perfect.

[there's a loud bang at the door so Ross opens it back up to find a shoe has been thrown at it]

RACHEL: What's this.

CHANDLER: Could you get us a couple of beers?

[Scene: Dr. Burke's office. Monica is there for her eye appointment.]

DR. BURKE: I'm going to look into your eyes now.

MONICA: Really.

DR. BURKE: Yeah, that's my job. Alright, look up. . . look down, now open your eyes, now look down. That's right, look into the light. Now look at me. . . OK. Your eyes look good. Those are good eyes.

MONICA: Good, they feel good, in my head.

DR. BURKE: So, it's great to see ya.

MONICA: You too.

DR. BURKE: You too.

MONICA: OK, um. Goodbye.

DR. BURKE: Drops!

MONICA: What?

DR. BURKE: Drops. Here, they're free.

MONICA: Thanks. So, I guess I better be going.

DR. BURKE: Oh, OK, yeah. I'll see ya later.

MONICA: Thanks again.

[He kisses her on the cheek, she returns the kiss, then they embrace in a full on kiss]

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They're still watching TV. Phoebe stands in front of the TV.]

PHOEBE: We have got to get you lazy boys out of these chairs.

CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey, woah, hey, woah.

PHOEBE: You know you should go outside and be with the three-dimensional people.

JOEY: No, inside good, outside bad.

PHOEBE: You guys are so pathetic, I, oh, OH, XANADU! OH.

CHANDLER: She's one of us now.

[Rachel and Ross enter]

RACHEL: Hi you guys.

ROSS: Hey.

CHANDLER, JOEY, and PHOEBE: Hey.

ROSS: Well we just wanted to stop by and uh, say goodnight.

CHANDLER, JOEY, and PHOEBE: Goodnight.

ROSS: Look at that, they won't even turn their heads.

RACHEL: Alright you guys, I'm takin' off my shirt.

JOEY: [uses a dentist mirror to see] Naa, she's lyin'.

[Monica enters carrying food that's been delivered]

MONICA: Stop sending food to our apartment.

ROSS: Well, why're you all dressed up?

PHOEBE: You're not the only one who has a date tonight.

ROSS: What? You have a date? Who with?

MONICA: No one.

ROSS: C'mon, what's his name?

MONICA: Nothing.

ROSS: Come on, tell me.

MONICA: Alright, but I'm very excited about this OK, so you gotta promise you won't get all big-brothery and judgmental.

ROSS: Oh, I promise, what.

MONICA: It's Richard Burke.

ROSS: Who's Richard Burke? Doc, Doctor Burke? You have a date with Doctor Burke? Why, why, why should that bother me? I, I love that man, he's like a uh, brother to dad.

MONICA: Well for your information he happens to be one of the brightest, most sophisticated, sexiest men I've ever been with.

ROSS: Doctor Burke is sexy?

RACHEL and PHOEBE: Oh God, absolutely.

ROSS: [his beeper goes off] It's the museum again, can I, oh.

RACHEL: Ya know, Dr. Burke kissed me once.

MONICA: When?

RACHEL: When I was um, 7, I crashed my bike right out in front of his house and to stop me from crying he kissed me right here. [points to the tip of her nose]

PHOEBE: Oh you are so lucky.

RACHEL: I know.

ROSS: [on the phone] Woah, woah, woah australopithicus isn't supposed to be in that display. No. No. No, n, homo-habilus was erect, australopithicus was never fully erect.

CHANDLER: Well maybe he was nervous.

[Scene: Museum of Natural History. Ross is fixing a display, Rachel is waiting patiently.]

ROSS: Oh look, I can't believe this. Look, homo-habilus hasn't even learned how to use tools yet and they've got him here wi, with clay pots. Why don't, why don't they just give him a microwave? I'm sorry, I'm sorry this is taking so long, ya know, I, I, it's just it's longer than I expected, we will have dinner.

RACHEL: It's OK, it's fine.

ROSS: KARL!

[Ross leaves to find Karl. Rachel takes a peek under the loincloth of one of the display models.]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Dr. Burke are sitting on the couch. He's showing her the pictures in his wallet.]

MONICA: Wow, is that Michelle?

DR. BURKE: Yep.

MONICA: I've not seen her since high school graduation. Oh my God, that night she got so dru. . . motional.

DR. BURKE: Ya know, she's having another baby.

MONICA: I thought she just had one.

DR. BURKE: No no. Henry's almost two and he's talking and everyting. Here. You know, the other day he told me he liked me better than his other grandpa. Now in all fairness his other grandpa's a drunk but still. . .

MONICA: Oh, you're a grandpa.

DR. BURKE: Yeah. Are we nuts here?

MONICA: I don't know, maybe. I mean I'm dating a man who's pool I once peed in.

DR. BURKE: I didn't need to know that. I guess 21 years is a lot. I mean, hell, I'm a whole person who can drink older than you.

MONICA: Yeah.

DR. BURKE: So.

MONICA: So maybe we should just. . .

DR. BURKE: Yeah, yeah, maybe.

MONICA: Wow, this really sucks.

DR. BURKE: Yeah, it sure does. [they hug and it turns into a passionate kiss]

MONICA: Well, we don't really have to decide anything right now, do we?

DR. BURKE: No, no, there's no rush or anything.

[knock at the door]

DELIVERY GUY: Pizza delivery.

MONICA: Oh, I'm gonna kill those guys.

[Scene: Museum of Natural History. Ross enters the display where Rachel is waiting.]

ROSS: Rach.

RACHEL: Oh.

ROSS: I'm done.

RACHEL: Yeah well, you know what, so is uh, Sorentino's.

ROSS: Wha, OK, I'm sorry, let's uh, why don't we find someplace else.

RACHEL: No, you know what, it's late, everything's gonna be closed. Why don't we just do it another night?

ROSS: No, no, we won't.

RACHEL: We won't?

ROSS: [grabs a fur pelt] C'mon.

RACHEL: OK, that's dead right?

[Scene: The museum planetarium. Ross and Rachel enter on stage.]

RACHEL: What is this? What are we doing?

ROSS: Shh. Do you want cran-apple or cran-grape?

RACHEL: Grape.

ROSS: [spreads the pelt on the floor] OK, now, sit. OK. [he starts the music system]

RACHEL: Oh, God.

[The stereo system booms out 'Billions of years ago. . .'. Ross gets up and changes it to music.]

ROSS: Sorry.

RACHEL: Ah, so what are we looking at?

ROSS: Well uh, you see that, that little cluster of stars next to the big one? That is Ursa Major.

RACHEL: Really?



ROSS: I've no idea, could be. Listen, I'm sorry I had to work tonight.

RACHEL: Oh it's OK. You were worth the wait, and I don't just mean tonight. [they kiss]

ROSS: You're not laughing.

RACHEL: This time it's not so funny.

[They kiss and start undressing. As Rachel tries to pull off Ross's tie she catches it in his mouth. Then they roll across the fur rug.]

RACHEL: Ah, oh God. Oh, honey, oh that's OK.

ROSS: What. Oh no, you just rolled over the juice box.

RACHEL: Oh, thank God.

[Scene: Museum of Natural History. The next morning Rachel and Ross are sleeping in the display under a fur.]

ROSS: Hi.

RACHEL: Hi you. I can't believe I'm waking up next to you.

ROSS: I know it is pretty unbelievaaaaah.

RACHEL: What?

ROSS: We're not alone. [A church youth group is outside the display watching them]

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They are still in their chairs, watching Beavis and Butthead.]

[they're laughing along with the show when an alarm goes off]

JOEY: Is that the fire alarm?

CHANDLER: Yeah. [feels the floor] Oh it's not warm yet, we still have time.

JOEY: Cool. 

END


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The One Where Joey Moves Out

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Written by: Betsy Bornes
Transcribed by: Josh Hodge
With Minor Adjustments by: Dan Silverstein



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are sitting at the bar, in their bathrobes, eating cereal]

JOEY: Man this is weird. You ever realize Captain Crunch's eyebrows are actually on his hat?

CHANDLER: That's what's weird? Joey, the man's been captain of a cereal for the last 40 years.

[Joey finishes his cereal, licks his spoon, and puts it back in the silverware drawer.]

CHANDLER: Waaa-aaah.

JOEY: What?

CHANDLER: The spoon. You licked and-and you put. You licked and you put.

JOEY: Yeah, so.

CHANDLER: Well don't you see how gross that is? I mean that's like you using my toothbrush. [Joey gets a sheepish look] You used my toothbrush?

JOEY: Well, that was only 'cause I used the red one to unclog the drain.

CHANDLER: Mine is the red one! Oh God. Can open, worms everywhere.

JOEY: Hey, why can't we use the same toothbrush, but we can use the same soap?

CHANDLER: Because soap is soap. It's self-cleaning.

JOEY: Alright, well next time you take a shower, think about the last thing I wash and the first thing you wash.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Phoebe are sitting at the table, Joey and Chandler enter.]

CHANDLER: Hey.

MONICA and PHOEBE: Hey.

JOEY: Hey.

PHOEBE: Ooh, look at you fancy lads. What's the occasion?

JOEY: Well, you know that guy that's on my show that's in a coma? He's havin' a brunch.

PHOEBE: Ahh.

RACHEL: [enters from her room] OK, ready when you are.

PHOEBE: Okey-doke.

MONICA: I can't believe you guys are actually getting tattoos.

CHANDLER: Excuse me, you guys are getting tattoos?

RACHEL: Yes, but you can not tell Ross 'cause I want to surprise him.

JOEY: Wow, this is wild. What're you gonna get?

PHOEBE: Um, I'm getting a lily for my Mom. 'Cause her name's Lily.

CHANDLER: Wow, that's lucky. What if her name was Big Ugly Splotch?

JOEY: So where you gettin' it?

PHOEBE: I think on my shoulder. [Ross enters]

ROSS: What? What's on your shoulder?

PHOEBE: Um, a chip. A tattoo, I'm getting a tattoo.

ROSS: A tattoo? Why, why would you want to do that? [to Rachel] Hi.

RACHEL: Hi. Well hey, you don't - you don't think they're kind of cool?

ROSS: No, sorry I don't. Tell me why would anyone pay someone to scar their body for life? What if it doesn't come out right Phoebe? Then it's like, I don't know, havin' a bad hair cut all the time. Why's everyone staring at me?

MONICA: Ross, come sign this birthday card for dad. Rich is gonna be here any minute.

CHANDLER: Oooh, Rich is goin' to the party too, huh?

MONICA: Well, he's my parents' best friend, he has to be there.

JOEY: Oh, is today the day you're gonna tell them about you two?

MONICA: Yeah. It's my dad's birthday, I decided to give him a stroke.

PHOEBE: No, I think you should tell them.

MONICA: No, I don't even know how serious he is about me. Until I do, I'm not telling them anything.

ROSS: I don't know, I don't think mom and dad would mind. Remember when you were 9 and Richard was 30, how dad used to say, 'God I hope they get together.'

[Scene: The Gellers' house. Monica, Ross, and Richard are arriving to Mr. Gellers birthday party.]

ROSS: Alright, shall we?

MONICA: OK, wait, wait, wait, wait. You know what? Ross, let's - let's switch places. You get in the middle. No un-, ya know, unless this looks like we're trying to cover something up.

ROSS: Monica, Monica, you could come in straddling him, they still wouldn't believe it. [opens door] We're here.

MRS. GELLER: Oh hi kids. Hi darling.

MONICA: Happy birthday dad.

MR. GELLER: Oh thank you.

ROSS: Hi ma.

RICHARD: Happy birthday.

MRS. GELLER: Well, you kids thank Dr. Burke for the ride?

ROSS: Uh, actually mom, I think Monica thanked him for the both of us.

[Scene: The Gellers' kitchen. Monica, Mrs. Geller and one of Mrs. Geller's friends are preparing the cake.]

FRIEND: Well, you kids take the train in?

MRS. GELLER: No, Richard Burke gave them a ride.

FRIEND: Oh. Speaking of whom, I hear he's got some 20-year-old twinkie in the city. [Monica sprays whipped cream all over the place]

MONICA: Finger cramp. Oh God, sorry. Here, let me get that mom.

MRS. GELLER: Sooo, Richard's shopping in the junior section.

MONICA: Are we still on that?

MRS. GELLER: We just know she's got the IQ of a napkin.

FRIEND: She's probably not even very pretty, just young enough so that everything is still pointing up. [Monica folds her arms over her breasts]

[Scene: Joey's co-star's apartment. Chandler and Joey are at the brunch.]

JOEY: Can you believe this place?

CHANDLER: I know, this is a great apartment.

JOEY: Ah, I was just in the bathroom, and there's mirrors on both sides of you. So when you're in there it's like you're peein' with the Rockettes.

CHANDLER: Wow, there's my fantasy come true. No, seriously.

JOEY'S CO-STAR: Hey.

JOEY: Hey! We were just sayin', great apartment man.

JOEY'S CO-STAR: Thanks. You want it?

JOEY: Huh?

JOEY'S CO-STAR: Yeah, I'm movin' to a bigger place. You should definitely take this one.

JOEY: Yeah, can you see me in a place like this?

JOEY'S CO-STAR: Why not? You hate park views and high ceilings? C'mon I'll show you the kitchen.

CHANDLER: [being left behind] Oh that's all right fellas, I saw a kitchen this morning - on TV. Stop talking. OK.

[Scene: Mr. Geller's party. Mr. Geller and a friend are questioning Richard while Ross observes.]

MR. GELLER: C'mon, tell us.

FRIEND: Yeah, is she really 20.

RICHARD: I am not telling you guys anything.

MR. GELLER: C'mon Rich, it's my birthday, let me live vicariously.

ROSS: Dad, you really don't want to do that.

MR. GELLER: Ahh, what's a little mid-life crisis between friends?

RICHARD: Jack, would you let it go?

MR. GELLER: Look, I know what you're going through. When I turned 50 I got the Porsche. You... you got your own little speedster.

RICHARD: Guys. Seriously, it is not like that.

MR. GELLER: Tell you what, maybe one of these weekends you can borrow the car and I cou. . .

ROSS: Dad, I beg you not to finish that sentence.

MR. GELLER: What? I'm kidding. You know I'd never let him touch the Porsche.

[Scene: Tattoo parlor. Phoebe and Rachel are deciding on tattoos.]

PHOEBE: OK Rach, which, which lily? This lily or that lily?

RACHEL: Well I. . .

PHOEBE: I like this lily. It's more open, ya know, and that's like my mom. She had a more open, giving spirit. Ooh, Foghorn Leghorn, ooh.

TATTOO ARTIST: Alright, blonde girl, you're in room two, not so blonde girl, you're with me.

PHOEBE: Here we go.

RACHEL: [reluctantly] Uh-huh.

PHOEBE: You're not going?

RACHEL: Uh-huh.

PHOEBE: What? Is it - is this 'cause of what Ross said?

RACHEL: No. Well, yeah, maybe.

PHOEBE: I don't believe this. Is this how this relationship's gonna work? Ross equals boss. I mean, c'mon what is this, 1922?

RACHEL: What's 1922?

PHOEBE: Just, you know, long time ago. Well, when men used to tell women what to do - a lot. And then there was suffrage, which is a good thing but is sounds horrible. Do you want to get this tattoo?

RACHEL: Yes I do, it's just that Ross is. . .

PHOEBE: OK, hey, HEY. Is your boyfriend the boss of you?

RACHEL: No.

PHOEBE: OK, who is the boss of you?!!

RACHEL: You?

PHOEBE: No. You are the boss of you. Now you march your heinie in there and get that heart tattooed on your hip. GO!!

[Scene: Mr. Geller's birthday party. Monica is in the bathroom and Richard comes in.]

RICHARD: How ya doin'?

MONICA: I'm a twinkie.

RICHARD: Really? I'm a hero.

MONICA: Oh, this is so hard.

RICHARD: Yeah, I know. I hate it too. Look, maybe we should just tell them.

MONICA: Maybe we should just tell your parents first.

RICHARD: My parents are dead.

MONICA: God, you are so lucky. I mean, I mean. . . you know what I mean.

RICHARD: I know, I know. Just hang in there, OK. OK, I'll go out first, alright.

MONICA: Alright.

RICHARD: [walks out of the bathroom and runs into Mrs. Geller who is going to the bathroom] Judy, going to the bathroom, good for you.

MRS. GELLER: Thank you Richard, I appreciate the support.

[Monica jumps in the shower. Right after Mrs. Geller enters the bathroom, Mr. Geller peeks his head in.]

MR. GELLER: Honey. Honey, have you seen my Harmon Kilerbrew bat? Bob doesn't believe I have one.

MRS. GELLER: I have no idea. Did you know Richard has a twinkie in the city?

MR. GELLER: I know. He's like a new man. It's like a scene from Cocoon.

MRS. GELLER: I just never would have pictured Richard with a bimbo.

MR. GELLER: Apparently, he told Johnny Shapiro that she's quite a girl. In fact, he told Johnny that he thinks he's falling in love with her.

MRS. GELLER: Really.

MR. GELLER: I tell you, I've never seen him this happy.

MRS. GELLER: So Jack, you ever think about trading me in for a younger model?

MR. GELLER: Of course not. With you it's like I've got two 25-year-olds.

MRS. GELLER: [they start kissing] Oh Jack stop.

MR. GELLER: C'mon, it's my birthday.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are returning from their brunch.]

JOEY: Can we drop this? I am not interested in the guy's apartment.

CHANDLER: Oh please, I saw the way you were checking out his mouldings. You want it.

JOEY: Why would I want another apartment, huh? I've already got an apartment that I love.

CHANDLER: Well it wouldn't kill you to say it once in a while.

JOEY: Alright, you want the truth? I'm thinkin' about it.

CHANDLER: What?

JOEY: I'm sorry. I'm 28 years old, I've never lived alone, and I'm finally at a place where I've got enough money that I don't need a roommate anymore.

CHANDLER: Woah, woah, woah. I don't need a roommate either, OK? I can afford to live here by myself. Ya know, I may have to bring in somebody once a week to lick the silverware.

JOEY: What're you gettin' so bent out of shape for, huh? It's not like we agreed to live together forever. We're not Bert and Ernie.

CHANDLER: Look, you know what? If this is the way you feel, then maybe you should take it.

JOEY: Well that's how I feel.

CHANDLER: Well then maybe you should take it.

JOEY: Well then maybe I will.

CHANDLER: Fine with me.

JOEY: Great. Then you'll be able to spend more quality time with your real friends, the spoons.

[Scene: Mr. Geller's birthday party. Mr. and Mrs. Geller enter looking particularly refreshed. Monica follows looking rather pale.]

MR. GELLER: Who's drink can I freshen?

MRS. GELLER: Almost time for cake.

ROSS: Mon, Mon, are you OK?

MONICA: You remember that video I found of mom and dad?

ROSS: Yeah.

MONICA: Well, I just caught the live show.

ROSS: Eww.

[Scene: Mr. Geller's birthday party. Monica and Richard are alone in the kitchen.]

MONICA: Hey there.

RICHARD: What?

MONICA: Nothing, I just heard something nice about you.

RICHARD: Humm, really?

[Mrs. Geller and Ross both enter]

MRS. GELLER: Richard. Richard. Your son isn't seeing anyone is he?

RICHARD: Uhh, not that I know of.

MRS. GELLER: Well, I was thinking, why doesn't he give Monica a call?

RICHARD: That - that's an idea.

MONICA: Well, actually, I'm already seeing someone.

MRS. GELLER: Oh?

RICHARD: Oh?

ROSS: Ohh.

MRS. GELLER: She never tells us anything. Ross, did you know Monica's seeing someone?

ROSS: Mom, there are so many people in my life. Some of them are seeing people and some of them aren't. Is that crystal?

MRS. GELLER: So, who's the mystery man?

MONICA: Well, uh, he's a doctor.

MRS. GELLER: A real doctor?

MONICA: No, a doctor of meat. Of course he's a real doctor. And he's handsome, and he's sweet, and know you'd like him. [she puts her arm around Richard]

MRS. GELLER: Well that's wonderful. . . I

MONICA: Mom, it's OK.

RICHARD: It is Judy.

MRS. GELLER: Jack. Could you come in here for a moment? NOW!

MR. GELLER: [enters with his bat] Found it.

ROSS: I'll take that dad. [grabs the bat]

MRS. GELLER: It seems your daughter and Richard are something of an item.

MR. GELLER: That's impossible, he's got a twinkie in the city.

MONICA: Dad, I'm the twinkie.

MR. GELLER: You're the twinkie?

RICHARD: She's not a twinkie.

MONICA: Al-alright, l-look you guys, this is the best relationship I've been in. . .

MRS. GELLER: Oh please, a relationship.

MONICA: Yes, a relationship. For your information I am crazy about this man.

RICHARD: Really?

MONICA: Yes.

MR. GELLER: Am I supposed to stand here and listen to this on my birthday?

MONICA: Dad, dad this is a good thing for me. Ya know, and you even said yourself, you've never seen Richard happier.

MR. GELLER: When did I say that?

MONICA: Upstairs in the bathroom right before you felt up mom.

[Everyone else enters and all start singing Happy Birthday.]

[Scene: Tattoo parlor. Rachel is showing Phoebe her tattoo.]

PHOEBE: Oh that looks so good, oh I love it.

RACHEL: I know, so do I. Oh Phoebe, I'm so glad you made me do this. OK, lemme se yours.

PHOEBE: Ahh. OK, let's see yours again.

RACHEL: Phoebe we just saw mine, let me see yours.

PHOEBE: Oh OK. [pulls over her shirt and shows a bare shoulder] Oh no, oh it's gone, that's so weird, I don't know how-where it went.

RACHEL: You didn't get it?

PHOEBE: No.

RACHEL: Why didn't you get it?

PHOEBE: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

RACHEL: Phoebe, how would you do this to me? This was all your idea.

PHOEBE: I know, I know, and I was gonna get it but then he came in with this needle and uh, di-, did you know they do this with needles?

RACHEL: Really? You don't say, because mine was licked on by kittens.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is at the bar and Joey enters.]

JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: Hey.

JOEY: Hey listen, I'm sorry about what happened. . .

CHANDLER: Yeah me too.

JOEY: I know. Yeah.

CHANDLER: Yeah. So do we need to hug here or. . .

JOEY: No, we're alright.

CHANDLER: So I got ya something. [tosses Joey a bag of plastic spoons]

JOEY: Plastic spoons. Great.

CHANDLER: Lick away my man.

JOEY: These'll go great in my new place. You know, 'till I get real ones.

CHANDLER: What?

JOEY: Well, I can't use these forever. I mean, let's face it, they're no friend to the environment.

CHANDLER: No-no, I mean what, what's this about your new place?

JOEY: I'm movin' out like we talked about.

CHANDLER: Well I didn't think that was serious. [grabs the spoons back] Ya know I thought that was just a fight.

JOEY: Well, it was a fight. . . based on serious stuff, remember. About how I never lived alone or anything. I just think it would be good for me, ya know, help me to grow or. . . whatever.

CHANDLER: Well, there you go.

JOEY: Hey, are you cool with this. I mean, I don't want to leave you high and dry.

CHANDLER: Hey, no, I've never been lower or wetter. I'll be fine. I'll just turn your, uh, bedroom into a game room or somethin', you know, put the foosball table in there.

JOEY: Woah. Why do you get to keep the table?

CHANDLER: I did pay for half of it.

JOEY: Yeah. And uh, I paid for the other half.

CHANDLER: Alright I'll tell you what, I'll play you for it.

JOEY: Alright, you're on. I can take two minutes out of my day to kick your ass.

CHANDLER: Your little men are gonna get scored on more times than your sister.

JOEY: Woah, woah, woah, woah. Which sister?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Richard are setting the table.]

MONICA: So, are you sorry that I told them?

RICHARD: No, it's been a long time since your dad and I went running.

[Rachel and Phoebe enter]

RACHEL: Oh.

MONICA: Oh. Well did you get it? Let me see.

RACHEL: Is Ross here?

MONICA: No he went out to get pizza.

RACHEL: Oh really, OK. [shows Monica her tattoo]

MONICA: That's great.

RICHARD: Very tasteful.

PHOEBE: Wanna see mine, wanna see mine?

MONICA: Yes.

RACHEL: What? You didn't get one.

PHOEBE: OK, well then what is this? [shows her bare shoulder]

RICHARD: What're we looking at? That blue freckle?

PHOEBE: OK, that's my tattoo.

RACHEL: That is not a tattoo, that is a nothing. I finally got her back in the chair, bairly touched her with a needle, she jumped up screaming, and that was it.

PHOEBE: OK, hi. For your information this is exactly what I wanted. This is a tattoo of the earth as seen from a great distance. It's the way my mother sees me from heaven.

RACHEL: Oh, what a load of crap. That is a dot. Your mother is up in heaven going, 'Where the hell is my lily, you wuss?' OK, Phoebe, that is not a tattoo, this is a tattoo. [she bends over and bears her tattoo right when Ross returns]

ROSS: You got a tattoo?

RACHEL: Maybe. But just a little one. Phoebe got the whole world.

ROSS: Lemme see. [looks]

RACHEL: Well?

ROSS: Well it's really. . . sexy. I wouldn't have thought it would be but. . . wow.

RACHEL: Really?

ROSS: Yeah, so uh, is it sore or can you do stuff?

RACHEL: I guess.

ROSS: Hey, save us some pizza. [they go off to Rachel's room]

[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler and Joey are playing foosball for the table.]

JOEY: Get out of the corner. Pass it, pass it.

CHANDLER: Stop talkin' to your men. [Joey scores]

JOEY: Yes! And the table is mine.

CHANDLER: Congratulations. [Chandler leaves]

[Scene: Chandler's apartment. The whole gang is helping Joey pack.]

JOEY: Hey, you guys are still gonna come visit me, right?

CHANDLER: Oh yeah, you got the big TV. We'll be over there all the time. . . [Chandler gives him a look] except when we are here.

PHOEBE: I know you're just moving uptown but I'm really gonna miss you.

MONICA: I know, how can you not be accross the hall anymore.

RACHEL: Yeah, who's gonna eat all our food, and tie up our phone lines, and - is that my bra? What the hell you doin' with my bra?

JOEY: Oh no-no, it's uh, it's not what you think. We uh, we used it to, you know, fling water balloons off the roof. Remember that, those junior high kids couldn't even get theirs accross the street.

CHANDLER: [quietly] Yeah, I remember.

ROSS: Hey, let's bring the rest of these down to the truck.

[Everyone except Joey and Chandler leave.]

CHANDLER: So, uhh, em, you want me to uh, give you a hand with the foosball table?

JOEY: Naa, you keep it, you need the practice.

CHANDLER: Thanks.

JOEY: So, I guess this is it.

CHANDLER: Yeah, right, yeah, I guess so.

[Joey walks to the door. He stops, turns around.]



JOEY: Listen, uh, I don't know when I'm gonna see you again.

CHANDLER: Well, I'm guessing uh, tonight at the coffee house.

JOEY: Right, yeah. OK. Um, take care.

CHANDLER: Yeah.

[Joey walks out and after a few seconds comes back in and gives Chandler a big hug. He then leaves for good and Chandler is left alone in his apartment.]

CLOSING CREDITS

END 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The One Where Eddie Moves In

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Written by: Adam Chase
Transcribed by: Josh Hodge



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Scene: Joey's new apartment. Everyone but Chandler is there. Joey has decorated the place with tons of tacky stuff.]

JOEY: Huh? So whaddya think? Casa de Joey. Huh? I decorated it myself.

ROSS: Get out.

ALL: No.

MONICA: [looking at some kind of glass sculpture thing] Wow Joey, this is, uhh...

JOEY: Art.

MONICA: Art it is.

ROSS: [looking at a glass table with a panther shaped base] Look, check this out. Is it a coffee table, is it a panther? There's no need to decide.

RACHEL: [holding a pillow made out of 4 inch red fur] Hey, nice pillow. So now tell me, is this genuine Muppet skin?

PHOEBE: [looking at a water sculpture that looks like a window with rain running down it] Hey, excellent, excellent water-table thing. 

JOEY: Thanks, yeah. I love this but ya know what, it makes me wanna pee.

PHOEBE: Yeah, well me too, yeah. I think that's the challenge.

JOEY: Hey, how come, uhh, Chandler didn't come?

ROSS: Well uh, it's cause he had a thing with, wi-, with the thing.

JOEY: Right, I go-, I got it.

PHOEBE: So why don't ya show us the rest of your casa?

JOEY: Yeah. Uh, oh, OH, the best part, c'mon. [leads them to the bathroom, gestures towards toilet, everyone stares, uncomprehending] Heh?

RACHEL: Hey, nice toilet.

JOEY: No no no, behind it.

ROSS: Wha-, you have a phone in here?

JOEY: That's right, I have a phone in here.

MONICA: Joey, promise me something.

JOEY: Yeah.

MONICA: Never call me from that phone.

OPENING TITLES 

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Chandler, and Ross are seated. Rachel is walking over with coffee and a piece of pie.]

[Someone bumps into Rachel and she drops the pie in a guy's hood that's seated at the table. She improvises by using the plate as a saucer for the coffee.]

RACHEL: OK, here we go. Honey, I'm sorry, they were all out of apple pie, someone just got the last piece.

[Phoebe enters]

PHOEBE: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. You are not gonna believe this. I have just been discovered.

CHANDLER: Now wait a minute, I claimed you in the name of France four years ago.

PHOEBE: Anyway, OK, now promise you won't like, freak out and say how great this is until I'm done, OK.

ALL: OK.

PHOEBE: OK. I just met this producer of this like, teeny record company, who said that I have a very fresh, offbeat sound and she wants to do a demo of Smelly Cat.

ALL: [congradulating her and celebrating]

PHOEBE: I told you not to do that yet. And, she wants to do a video.

ALL: [celebrating more]

PHOEBE: I'm not done yet, OK. God. OK, if that goes well, they may even want to make an album.

[everyone is quiet, unsure if she's done or not]

PHOEBE: I'm done now.

ALL: [celebrating]

[the guy with the pie in his hood get up to leave]

RACHEL: Oh God. Ross, OK, if you care about me at all, you will get the pie out of the man's hood.

ROSS: Get the what?

RACHEL: Pie in the hood, pie in the hood. Go.

[Ross goes over behind the guy and grabs the pie out of his hood as he leaves]

GUY: What're you doing?

ROSS: I'm sorry, my pie was, was in your hood. Now I just have to get the coffee out of that guy's pants and I'll be back in the hospital by 7. [swats at an imaginary insect by his head, guy leaves promptly]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is outside the bathroom yelling at Ross who's in the bathroom.]

MONICA: Damnit Ross, get your butt out of the bathroom.

ROSS: Calm down, I'm blow drying.

[Rachel enters with laundry and starts folding]

MONICA: Blow drying what, you have no hair.

RACHEL: What's goin' on?

MONICA: Your boyfriend has been in there for over an hour. I can't believe it, it's like I'm living with him again. He's here when I go to sleep, he's here when I wake up, he's here when I want to use the shower, ughh. It's like I'm sixteen all over again .

RACHEL: Well, you're not sixteen, you're both adults now.

MONICA: GET OUT YOU DUFUS!!

RACHEL: Or ya know, he's rubber and you're glue.

ROSS: [comes out] All yours.

MONICA: I hope you cleaned your hair out of the drain.

ROSS: [in a childish voice] I hope you cleaned your hair out of the drain.

MONICA: Shut up.

ROSS: [childish voice] Shut up.

MONICA: Cut it out.

ROSS: [childish voice] Mi-mi-mii.

[Monica goes in the bathroom]

RACHEL: [sarcastically] I've never wanted you more.

[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler is sitting on the bar wearing huge dog-slippers]

CHANDLER: So, whaddya say boys, should I call him? [squeezes the ear of one of the slippers and it barks] Well, ya know what they say. Ask your slippers a question... you're going crazy.

[Joey's apartment, phone rings]

JOEY: Hello.

CHANDLER: Hey.

JOEY: Hey!

CHANDLER: Listen, I'm, I'm sorry I didn't make it over there today.

JOEY: Oh, that's OK. You uh, you had a thing.

CHANDLER: Yeah well, I hear the place looks great.

JOEY: Ahh, forget about it, I'm havin' a ball. How's the apartment doin'

CHANDLER: Oh hey, it's, it's terriffic. I mean it's a regular space... fest.

JOEY: Oh, well great.

CHANDLER: Yeah I just... wanted to call and say hey.

JOEY: Well OK then. [oven timer goes off behind Chandler] Was that the oven timer?

CHANDLER: That's right my friend. It's time for...

BOTH: Baywatch!! [both turn on TV's]

JOEY: Oh, can you believe they gave Stephanie skin cancer?

CHANDLER: I still can't believe they promoted her to lieutenant.

JOEY: Naa, you're just sayin' that 'cause you're in love with Yasmine Bleeth.

CHANDLER: Well, how could anyone not be in love with Yasmine Bleeth?

JOEY: Hey, hey, they're runnin'

CHANDLER: See, this is the brilliance of the show. I say always keep them running. All the time, running. Run. Run Yasmine, run like the wind.

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey is sitting between Monica and Phoebe.]

MONICA: But I thought you wanted to live by yourself.

JOEY: I did. I thought it'd be great. I figured I'd have like, time alone with my thoughts but, ya know, it turns out I don't have as many thoughts as you'd think.

PHOEBE: Joey, why don't you talk to Chandler about moving back?

JOEY: You really think he'd take me? I mean, we had a pretty good talk last night but, when I moved out, I hurt him bad.

MONICA: I promise you, he would definitely want you back.

[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler is sitting between Rachel and Ross.]

ROSS: I'm telling you, there's no way he's moving back.

CHANDLER: But we had one of the greatest talks we ever had last night. I mean it was, it was like when we first started living together.

ROSS: Look, I know you don't want to hear this right now but, we've seen him in his new place, alright. And he's happy, he's, he's decorated.

RACHEL: Look, Chandler, he has moved on, OK, you have to too.

CHANDLER: But...

ROSS: No. You're just gonna have to accept the fact that you're just friends now, OK, you're not... rommmates anymore.

[Scene: Recording studio. Phoebe is getting ready to record Smelly Cat.]

PRODUCER: OK Phoebe, you ready to try one?

PHOEBE: OK. [singing] Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat [back up singers start singing smelly, smelly, smelly, smelly behind her] Oh woah, oh my God. I mean like, who was that?

PRODUCER:They're your backup singers... beind you.

PHOEBE: OH!! Oh I thought they were just watching me. You know, like at, like at an aquarium, ya know.

PRODUCER: Alrighty. From the top.

PHOEBE: OK. [singing] Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat [back up singers - smelly, smelly, smelly, really bad smelly cat, it's not your fault] OK, sorry. I'm just, I'm just not getting that everyone um, gets how smelly this cat acually is. I just think that maybe if we could talk about this, 'cause I need to feel that you really care about the cat.

PRODUCER: Honey, uh we, we can talk about this. It's just that it's costing about a hundred dollars a minute to be in here.

PHOEBE: Oh OK. So, um, the cat stinks but you love it, let's go.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Ross is on the phone.]

ROSS: No, there is no way he was a velociraptor. No Tony, look at the cranial ridge, OK. If Dino was a velociraptor, he would have eaten the Flintstones. Yeah, yeah. [Monica comes out of her room] Oh, were you takin' a nap?

MONICA: I was.

ROSS: Oh I-, Oh wait, Tony can you hang on? That's the other line. [gets the other line] Hello. Oh yeah she's here but uh, can she call you back? OK thanks. [hangs up the other line] Call Joanna. [back on with Tony] Hi.

MONICA: Did she leave a number?

ROSS: Did you see me write one down?

MONICA: I don't have her number, butt-munch.

ROSS: Well, she'll call back, don't be such a baby.

MONICA: I'm not a baby, you're the baby.

ROSS: Look, you wanna get off my back?

MONICA: You wanna get out of my face?

ROSS: Wait hold on Tony, hold on. [answers second line] Hello. Hi, yeah no, she's right here. Um hold on. [gets first line] Hi Tony, can I call you back? That's uh, that's my sister's boyfriend.

MONICA: Give me that.

ROSS: OK.

MONICA: Hi sweetie, look before I forget, did I leave my diaphram at your place? Hi mom. [she starts throwing oranges at Ross who's looking pleased with himself]

[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler is sitting on the bar, bouncing a ball against the door. Joey walks in right as he throws the ball and catches it.]

JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: So uhh, how's the palace?

JOEY: You know it's funny you should mention that 'cause I was thinkin'... what's with the boxes?

CHANDLER: Oh, uhh, actually I uh, have some news.

EDDIE: Hey Chan, is that Joey guy gonna come by and pick up his moose hat or should I just toss it out?

CHANDLER: Well, uh, why don't you ask him yourself. Joey, this is my new roommate Eddie.

EDDIE: Nice to meet ya.

JOEY: Likewise. Uh, I'll take that. [grabs moose hat] It's what I came for. So, this is new. Where'd you two meet?

EDDIE: At the uh, supermarket, in the uh, ethnic food section. I helped him pick out a chorizo.

JOEY: Wow.

CHANDLER: Well you know, we got to talking and uh, he said he needed a place and I had a spare room.

JOEY: Oh, now it's a spare room?

CHANDLER: Well yeah, in that it's not being used and I... have it to spare.

JOEY: Well I uh, got what I came for. [puts on moose hat] I'll uh, I'll see you guys.

CHANDLER: Hey Jo. When'd you start usin' mousse in your hair?

EDDIE: [annoying laugh] Is this guy great or what?

JOEY: Yeah, yeah he is. [leaves]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Rachel, and Ross are there.]

MONICA: I can't believe he has a new roommate. Who is this guy?

ROSS: Uh, Eddie something. He just met him.

RACHEL: It'll never last, he's just a rebound roommate.

[Pheobe enters]

PHOEBE: Hey.

ALL: Hey.

PHOEBE: Oh, check it out, oh check it out. It's Smelly Cat the video.

ALL: [cheer]

PHOEBE: Now OK, I haven't seen it yet so, if you don't like it, well, so what, none of you ever made a video. [puts the tape in] OK.

[The video is a very dramatic episode with an obviously dubbed voice for Phoebe. Everyone watches in disbeliefe]

PHOEBE: Oh my God.

ROSS: I know.

PHOEBE: I sound amazing. I, I, I've never heard myself sing before. I mean, except in my own head. Oh, this is so cool, now I can hear what you hear.

RACHEL: Pretty uhm, different huh?

PHOEBE: Oh, I am sorry but I am incredibly talented.

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Joey stops by. Chandler is reading the paper and Eddie is fixing eggs.]

EDDIE: Hi Joey, what's goin' on man?

JOEY: Eddie.

CHANDLER: Morning.

JOEY: Morning. I just uh, came by to pick up my mail. [looks for the mail on the table by the door, it's not there] Where's the mail?

CHANDLER: Oh it's uh, over there on the table.

JOEY: You don't keep it over here on this table any more?

CHANDLER: No, Eddie likes to keep it over there.

EDDIE: Alright, here you go my friend. Eggs a-la Eddie, huh?

CHANDLER: Oh, ooh.

JOEY: Huh.

CHANDLER: What?

JOEY: No I just uh, thought you liked your eggs with the bread with the hole in the middle, a-la me.

CHANDLER: Well I do, but uh, Eddie makes them this way and, well they're pretty darn good.

EDDIE: Well you guys, I'm outta here. See ya pals.

CHANDLER: See ya. [Eddie leaves]

JOEY: So how you two gettin' along?

CHANDLER: Oh, I couldn't be happier.

JOEY: Great, well, I'm happy for ya. [picks up the orange juice carton and it's empty] Alright that's it. He just comes in here, Mr. Jonny Neweggs, with his, his, his movin' the mail and his, his 'see ya pals'. And now there's no juice. There's no juice f or the people who need the juice and want the juice. I need the juice.

CHANDLER: There's another carton right over there.

JOEY: Hey, this isn't about juice anymore, alright man.

CHANDLER: Alright, so what's it about?

JOEY: Eggs. Who's eggs do you like better, his or mine, huh?

CHANDLER: Well I like both eggs equally.

JOEY: Oh come on. Nobody likes two different kinds of eggs equally. You like one better than the other and I wanna know which.

CHANDLER: Well what's the difference? Your eggs aren't here anymore, are they? You took your eggs and you left. You really expect me to never find new eggs?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ross and Monica are fighting over the remote.]

MONICA: I wanna watch Entertainment Tonight.

ROSS: Tough noogies, we're watching Predators of the Serengetti.

RACHEL: Would you guys stop.

MONICA: It's my TV.

ROSS: Wha-, oh, quit it.

MONICA: Bite me.

RACHEL: Oh my God.

ROSS: Well, Monica keeps changin' the channel.

MONICA: Oh that's great, why don't you tell mommy on me.

RACHEL: Now I'm mommy in this little play? Alright look, I refuse to get sucked into this like, weird little Geller dimension thing OK. So I'm gonna go and take a nice long hot bubble bath because you kids are driving me crazy. [goes in the bathroom]

MONICA: OK, what're we gonna do about this?

ROSS: Well, I guess we could tape Entertainment Tonight.

MONICA: Not that, this, US. Oh my God, Ross, you-re, you're, it's jus-, you-, ever sin- you been here.

ROSS: Ow, ow, OK. Alright, alright, Mon, Mon, you've gone ultrasonic again, alright.

MONICA: I just can't stand you being here all the time.

ROSS: Why, why, why can't you stand me being here? I don't, I, we're just, ya know, we're just havin' fun.

MONICA: Fun? Fun, you think this is fun?

ROSS: Yeah, c'mon I mean I though, you know, I thought we're just foolin' around. Like when, uh, when we were kids.

MONICA: Ross, I hated you when we were kids.

ROSS: You hated me when we were kids?

MONICA: Yes. I hated you. I mean I, I, loved you in a 'you're my brother so I have to' kind of way, but basically, yeah, I hated your guts.

ROSS: Why did you hate me?

MONICA: Because, you were mean to me and you, you teased me and you always, always got your way.

ROSS: And that wasn't fun for you?

MONICA: Duh-huh!

ROSS: I can't believe you hated me.

MONICA: Now I love you. And not just 'cause I have to.

ROSS: Really?

MONICA: Yeah. You're just gonna have to stop pissing me off.

ROSS: I can do that.

MONICA: Then I won't have to kill you.

ROSS: So you wanna watch uh, Entertainment Tonight?

MONICA: Yeah, thanks. You know what?

ROSS: What?

MONICA: If you really want to watch that Serengetti thing, you can.

ROSS: Ohh... OK. [changes the channel]

[Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Rachel, and Monica are hanging out.]

[Phoebe enters]

PHOEBE: Hey.

ALL: Hey.

PHOEBE: Listen. You are not going to believe this but, that is not me singing on the video.

ALL: No.

PHOEBE: Yes.

RACHEL: Well, how did you find out?

PHOEBE: Well, OK, the record company sent over this piece of paper for me to sign, saying that it's OK for someone else to sing for me. That was my first clue.

MONICA: So what're you gonna do?

PHOEBE: Well, I can't work with people who would do this.

MONICA: Sure.

PHOEBE: I mean this poor woman.

ROSS: What woman?

PHOEBE: The voice woman. Ya know, I mean, she has a great voice but she doesn't have a video.

RACHEL: OK, Phoebs. But what about you?

PHOEBE: Well I have a video, you have to pay attention. No this, this voice woman, she's so talented but, according to the producer people, they said she doesn't have like the right look or something, ya know. I mean, it's like, she's like one of those an imals at the pound who like nobody wants 'cause they're not pretty enough or you know. Like, like some old dog who's just kind of like stinky and. Huuuuh, oh my God, she's smelly cat. Oh, oh that song has so many levels.

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment.]

CHANDLER: Hey Eddie, you uh, wanna play some foosball?

EDDIE: No thanks man, I'm not uh, I'm not really into sports.

CHANDLER: [stares in disbeliefe] Yeah o-, OK, alright. [oven timer goes off] Doesn't matter, time for Baywatch.

EDDIE: Y-, y-, you like that show?

CHANDLER: You don't like that show?

EDDIE: Wha-, n-, no. I mean it's just a bunch of pretty people runnin' around on the beach, ya know.

CHANDLER: Well that's the brilliance of it. The pretty people... and the running.

EDDIE: I tell ya, I-, I'm gonna go read in my room for a little while.

CHANDLER: Oh o-, OK man.

[Joey's place. He's watching Baywatch, lauging. He goes to say something to Chandler in the other chair but no one's there. He goes to call Chandler but decides not to.]

[Chandler's. He's playing foosball by himself.]

[Joey's. Playing ping pong by himself.]

[All by myself is playing. Chandler is sitting in front of a window while it's raining outside. We see Joey through a rainy window. The camera zooms out to show it's just his tabletop water sculpture.]

CLOSING CREDITS 

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is performing Smelly Cat.]

PHOEBE: [singing] Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Everybody.

ALL: Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, it's not your fault.

PHOEBE: Monica.

MONICA: [sings] They won't take you to the vet.

PHOEBE: Chandler.

CHANDLER: [reluctantly sings] You're obviously not their favorite pet.

MONICA: Joey.

JOEY: [sings] It may not be a bed of roses.

PHOEBE: Rachel.

RACHEL: [sings] And you're no friend to those with noses.

PHOEBE: Uh, Ross, those are the only lines we have, sorry. OK, you guys, once more.

END


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The One Where Dr. Remoray Dies

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Written by:
Transcribed by: Josh Hodge



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[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Everyone except Ross is there watching Days of Our Lives.]

AMBER: Oh Drake.

DR. REMORE: I'm sorry Amber. It's just like Brad to have to have the last word.

[Ross enters]

ROSS: I'm sorry I'm late, what happened?

MONICA: We, we just wanna see the end.

AMBER: I want you Drake.

DR. REMORE: I know you do but you and I can never be together that way.

AMBER: What?

DR. REMORE: There's something I never told you Amber. I'm actually your half- brother.

[Everyone gasps. The show ends.]

RACHEL: So what happens next?

JOEY: Well, I get the medical award for separating the siamese twins. Then Amber and I go to Venezuela to meet our other half-brother, Ramone. And that's where I find the world's biggest emerald. It's really big but it's cursed.

CHANDLER: God that is good TV.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Chandler is at the foosball table trying to get Phoebe to play a game with him.]

CHANDLER: Phoebs, play with meeee.

PHOEBE: No. This game is grotesque. Twenty armless guys joined at the waist by a steel bar, forced to play soccer forever. Ahh, hello, human-rights violation.

CHANDLER: Ya know Phoebs, don't feel so bad for 'em. After they're done playing, I break out the little plastic women and everybody has a pretty good time.

PHOEBE: Why don't you play with your roommate?

CHANDLER: Ah he's a, he's not a big fan of foosball.

PHOEBE: Uh oh, ooh, are we not getting along with the new boy?

CHANDLER: No he's, he's alright, just uh, he spends most of his time in his room.

PHOEBE: Maybe that's because you haven't taken the time to get to know him. Let's remedy that, shall we?

CHANDLER: We don't need to remedy that.

PHOEBE: Oh yeah, it'll be fun. [throws a tennis ball at Eddie's bedroom door]

EDDIE: What was that?

PHOEBE: Hi, um, I just thought that it would be fun if the three of us had some beers and got to know each other.

EDDIE: Yeah alright, that sounds alright.

PHOEBE: Oh good, ok. Oh nooo, I have to go because I'm late for my um, Green Eggs and Ham discussion group. Um tonight it's why he would not eat them on a train. Have fun bye.

CHANDLER: That was so lame.

PHOEBE: I know, yeah. Ok, talk to him. [leaves]

CHANDLER: So, you uh, you think that Speed Racer guy gets a lot of tickets er?

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Chandler and Eddie are talking.]

EDDIE: That's good, that's good. So, so, so who broke up with who?

CHANDLER: What're you kidding? I broke up with her. She actually thought that Sean Penn was the capital of Cambodia.

EDDIE: That's good man, when everybody knows that the uh, the capital of Cambodia is uh...

CHANDLER: Well it's not Sean Penn.

EDDIE: Not Sean Penn. Alright, I, I've got a funny one, alright. My last girlfriend Tilly. Ok, we're eating breakfast, right, and I made all these pancakes, there was like 50 pancakes right. And all of the sudden she turns to me, alright, and she says, 'Eddie.' I say, 'yeah,' she says, 'Eddie, I don't want to see you anymore.' And it was literally like she had reached into my chest, ripped out my heart, and smeared it all over my life, ya know. And now there's like this incredible abyss, ya know, and I'm falling and I keep falling and I don't think I'm ever gonna stop. [finishes laughing] That uh, wasn't such a funny story, was it?

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is singing. Monica, Richard, Ross, and Rachel are listening.]

PHOEBE: And a crusty old man said I'll do what I can and the rest of the rats played moroccas. That's it, thanks, good night.

RICHARD: Phoebe's got another job, right?

RACHEL: Great set tonight Phoebs.

PHOEBE: I know.

ROSS: Well, we should probably get going.

RICHARD: Um, we should go too, I got patients at 8 in the moring.

MONICA: Ya know, I was thinking. Ya know how we always stay at your apartment? Well, I thought maybe tonight we'd stay at my place.

RICHARD: I don't know, I don't have my jammies.

MONICA: Well, maybe you don't need them.

ROSS: My baby sister, ladies and gentlemen.

MONICA: Shut up, I'm happy.

PHOEBE: Oh, this is so nice. Alright I have to make a speech. I just wanna say that of all the guys that Monica has been with, and that is a lot, I like you the best.

RICHARD: Oh, thank you Phoebs. That's very sweet.

PHOEBE: Ok.

RICHARD: Hear that? She likes me best, and apparently there've been a lot.

MONICA: Not a lot, Phoebe's kidding, Phoebe's crazy.

RACHEL: Phoebe's dead.

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Chandler is there. There's a knock at the door. He answers it to see a young woman holding a fishtank.]

TILLY: Hi.

CHANDLER: Hi.

TILLY: I'm looking for Eddie Minowick.

CHANDLER: Oh, uh, he's not here right now, uh, I'm Chandler, can I take a message, or, or a fishtank?

TILLY: Thanks.

CHANDLER: Oh, oh, c'mon in.

TILLY: I'm Tilly.

CHANDLER: Oh.

TILLY: I gather by that oh that he told you about me.

CHANDLER: Oh yeah, your uh, name came up in a uh, conversation that terrified me to my very soul.

TILLY: He's kind of intense huh?

CHANDLER: Yes. Hey, can I ask you, is Eddie a little...

EDDIE: [walks around corner] A little what?

CHANDLER: Bit country? C'mon in here you roomie.

EDDIE: Hello Tilly.

TILLY: Eddie, I just came by to drop off your tank.

EDDIE: That's very thoughtful of you. It's very thougtful.

TILLY: Well, ok then. I'm gonna go. Bye.

EDDIE: Bye-bye.

CHANDLER: Bye.

[Tilly leaves]

CHANDLER: So, we gettin' a fish?

EDDIE: You had sex with her didn't you?

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey enters with several magazines and runs up to Phoebe.]

JOEY: Phoebs, check it out, check it out, check it out, check it out.

PHOEBE: Oh, ooh, Soap Opera Digest, oh that's one of my favorite digests.

JOEY: Page 42, page 42, page 42.

PHOEBE: Ok, ok, ok. Ooh, hey 'new doc on the block, Days of Our Lives' Joey Tribbiani.' Ooh, cool picture.

JOEY: Ooh, I look good.

PHOEBE: Hey is this true, that you write a lot of your own lines?

JOEY: Uh, well, kinda yeah. Like, remember last week when Alex was in the accident? Well the line in the script was, 'If we don't get this woman to a hospital, she's going to die.' But I made it, ' If this woman doesn't get to a hospital, she's not gonna live.'

PHOEBE: Ohh, ok, I see what you did there. Aren't you afraid though, that the writers are gonna be kinda mad when they read this?

JOEY: Huh? Never really thought about the writers. The scripts just kinda come to my house. But you know what? This makes me look good, which makes the show look good, which makes the writers look good so how could they be mad about that?

[Scene: At a writer's desk. The writer is working on a script for Days of Our Lives.]

WRITER: Makes up most of his lines. Son-of-a-. Yeah, well, write this jerkweed.

[Scene: Joey's apartment. The next script is being delivered.]

JOEY: I fall down an elevator shaft? What the hell does this mean, I fall down an elevator shaft?

DELIVERY GUY: Uhh, I don't know, I just bring the scripts.

JOEY: They can't kill me, I'm Francesca's long lost son.

DELIVERY GUY: Right. Could you sign this?

JOEY: No. No way, I'm not signing that.

DELIVERY GUY: I don't think that's gonna affect the plot of the show.

JOEY: How can they do this to me?

DELIVERY GUY: Er, uh, I'm just gonna go. Sorry.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Richard, Ross, and Rachel are returning.]

MONICA: Well it wasn't that many guys. I mean, if you consider how many guys there actually are, it's a very small percentage.

RACHEL: Hey, it's not that big a deal, I was just curious.

ROSS: G'night.

RICHARD: Night Richard. Good luck Mon.

MONICA: Alright, before I tell you, uh, why don't you tell me how many women you've been with.

RICHARD: Two.

MONICA: Two? TWO? How is that possible? I mean, have you seen you?

RICHARD: Well, I mean what can I say? I, I was married to Barbara for 30 years. She was my high school sweetheart, now you, that's two.

MONICA: Two it is. Ok, time for bed, I'm gonna go brush my teeth. [goes in the bathroom]

RICHARD: Woah, woah, no wait a minute now. C'mon it's your turn. Oh c'mon. Ya know, I don't need the actual number, just a ballpark.

MONICA: Ok, it is definitely less than a ballpark.

[Rachel's bedroom]

RACHEL: Wow, I am so glad I'm not Monica right now.

ROSS: Tell me about it. So what, what's your magic number?

RACHEL: Uhhhooo.

ROSS: C'mon, you know everyone I've been with. All, both of them.

RACHEL: Well, there's you.

ROSS: Better not be doin' these in order.

RACHEL: Ok, uh, Billy Dreskin, Pete Carney, Barry, and uh, oh, Paolo.

ROSS: Oh yes, the weenie from Torrini.

RACHEL: Oh honey, are you jealous of Paolo? Oh, c'mon, I'm so much happier with you than I ever was with him.

ROSS: Really?

RACHEL: Oh please. That Paolo thing was barely a relationship. All it really was was just, ya know, meaningless animal sex. Ok, ya know, that sounded soooo much better in my head.

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment.]

CHANDLER: Eddie, I didn't sleep with your ex-girlfriend.

EDDIE: That's very interesting, ya know, 'cause that's exactly what someone who slept with her would say.

CHANDLER: This is nuts. This is crazy. She came over for like two minutes, dropped off a fish tank, and left, end of story.

EDDIE: Where's Buddy?

CHANDLER: Buddy?

EDDIE: My fish, Buddy.

CHANDLER: There was no fish when she dropped it off.

EDDIE: Oh, this is, this is unbelievable. I mean, first you sleep with my ex-girlfriend then you insult my inteligenct by lying about it and then you kill my fish, my Buddy?

CHANDLER: Hey I didn't kill your fish. Look Eddie...[puts his hand on Eddie's shoulder] Would you look at what I'm doin' here. That can't be smart. So we're just gonna take this guy right off ya and put him here in Mr. Pocket. Tangellon? [picks up the fruit an tosses it to Eddie, it hits Eddie in the chest and falls]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Richard are in Monica's bedroom.]

RICHARD: That's it? That's the giant number you were afraid to tell me?

MONICA: Well yeah.

RICHARD: Well, that's not bad at all. I mean, you had me thinkin it was like a fleet.

MONICA: You really ok with it?

RICHARD: Oh honey, I'm fine.

MONICA: Oh, yay. Ok about that two.

RICHARD: What? Alright, what about my two?

MONICA: Well, it just seems like a really small number.

RICHARD: Right, and...

MONICA: And, well, don't you have a lot of wild oats to sew? Or is that what you're doing with me? Oh my God, am I an oat?

RICHARD: Honey, you are not an oat. I, I mean I don't know, I, I guess I'm just not an oat guy. I've only slept with women I've been in love with.

MONICA: But you've only slept with two people.

RICHARD: Right.

MONICA: Wow. Oh wow. You know I love you too, right.

RICHARD: Now I do. [they kiss and fall to the bed]

[Ross and Rachel are in Rachel's bedroom]

RACHEL: Ross, Ross, please listen to me. Ross, you are so much better for me than Paolo ever was. I mean you care about me, you're loving, you make me laugh.

ROSS: Oh, hey, if I make you laugh, here's an idea, why don't you invite Paulo over and have a little romp in the sack and I'll just stand in the corner and tell knock-knock jokes.

RACHEL: God, Ross, look, what you and I have is special, all Paolo and I ever had was...

ROSS: Animal sex, animal sex? So what're you saying, I mean, you're saying that like, there's nothing between us animal at all. I mean there's not even like, uhm, a little animal, not even, not even like, like chipmunk sex?

RACHEL: Ok, Ross, try to hear me. Ok, I, hey, I'm not gonna lie to you. Ok, it was good with Paolo.

ROSS: Knock-knock.

RACHEL: But, what you and I have is so much better. Ok, we have tenderness, we have intimacy, we connect. Ya know, I swear, this is the best I have ever had.

ROSS: Until now. [jumps on Rachel on the bed]

[later in the bathroom Monica is looking in the drawer, Rachel runs up]

RACHEL: Oh, hi.

MONICA: Hi. Richard just told me he loves me.

RACHEL: Oh my God, honey that's great.

MONICA: I know. I just can't find...

RACHEL: Oh they're in the top drawer. Hurry.

MONICA: You need one too?

RACHEL: Ooooh yeah.

[they pull out the box of condoms but there's only one left]

MONICA: There's only one.

RICHARD: Monica.

MONICA: Hi. Uh, we'll be right there, we're just trying to decide something. [shuts the bathroom door]

ROSS: [comes out of the bedroom] Rachel. [growls then sees Richard standing there] Hey.

RICHARD: Hey. They're just trying to decide somehting.

ROSS: Good, good, good. So, is uh, was your moustache, did, used to be different?

RICHARD: No.

ROSS: Oh. How do you uh, ya know, keep it so neat?

RICHARD: I have a little comb.

ROSS: Oh. And what do you call that?

RICHARD: A moustache comb.

RACHEL: Ok, I, I will do your laundry for one month.

MONICA: No.

RACHEL: Ok, ok, ok, I will, I will, I, hey, I will clean the apartment for two months.

MONICA: Alright, I tell you what, I'll give this to you now if you can tell me where we keep the dustpan.

RACHEL: Agghhh.

ROSS: So were you in Nam?

RACHEL: Rock-paper-scissors?

MONICA: Yeah.

RACHEL and MONICA: One two three. [Rachel picks rock, Monica picks scissors]

RACHEL: Yeesss.

MONICA: Fine, go have sex.

RICHARD: No. You have got it completely wrong. John Savage was deerhunter, no legs, John Voit was coming home, couldn't feel his legs.

ROSS: No, no way. You've got it totally the other way around my friend. John Voit was...

RACHEL: Honey.

ROSS: What, what oh....[Ross and Rachel go into her room]

RICHARD: Shall we?

MONICA: It's not gonna happen. They're doing it tonight, we can do it tomorrow.

RICHARD: Uh, in the future, if I could see the schedule beforehand...

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. All but Joey are present.]

CHANDLER: So, when I woke up this morning, he'd stolen all the insoles out of my shoes.

MONICA: Why?

CHANDLER: Because he thinks I slept with his ex-girlfriend and killed his fish.

PHOEBE: Why would you kill his fish?

CHANDLER: Because sometimes, Phoebe after you sleep with someone, you have to kill the fish.

RACHEL: Chandler honey, I'm sorry. Ok, can we watch Joey's show now please? [they turn on the TV]

ROSS: Yeah.

MONICA: Wait, he's not here yet.

RACHEL: So, he's on the show, he knows what happens.

ROSS: Yeah.

MONICA: Alright.

CHANDLER: Oh, I'm fine about my problem now, by the way.

RACHEL: Oh good.

DR. REMORE: Amber, I want you to know that I'll always be there for you, as a friend and as your brother.

AMBER: Oh Drake.

DR HORTON: Hard day huh? First the medical award, this.

DR. REMORE: Some guys are just lucky I guess.

INTERCOM: Dr. Remore, report to first floor emergency, stat.

DR. REMORE: Well then, uh, I uhh, guess that's me. Anyone else need to go on the elevator? Dr. Horton, Dr. Wong?

DR. HORTON: No, no, they only said you.

DR. REMORE: Oh, ok. Alright.

AMGER: I love you Drake.

DR. REMORE: Yeah, whatever. Oh no.

AMBER: Drake, look out.

DR. REMORE: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

MONICA: Did they just kill off Joey?

ROSS: No. [sound of Dr. Remore's body hitting the bottom of the shaft] Now maybe.

[Scene: Joey's apartment. Everyone is outside knocking.]

ROSS: C'mon.

RACHEL: Joey.

ROSS: Open up. We want to talk to you.

JOEY: I don't feel like talkin.

RACHEL: Oh c'mon Joey, we care about you.

CHANDLER: We're worried about you.

MONICA: And some of us really have to pee.

[Joey opens the door]

MONICA: Sorry Joey [runs to the bathroom]

JOEY: Hey.

PHOEBE: Listen, sorry about your death, that really sucks.

CHANDLER: We came over as soon as we saw.

ROSS: How could you not tell us?

JOEY: I don't know, I was kinda hopin' no one would ever find out.

RACHEL: Well, maybe they can find a way to bring you back.

JOEY: Naa, they said that when they found my body, my brain was so smashed in that the only doctor that could have saved me was me. Supposed to be some kind of irony or somethin.

PHOEBE: But Joey, you're gonna be fine. You don't need that show, it was just a dumb soap opera.

JOEY: Phoebe, this was the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

PHOEBE: Yes, I was going to incorporate that. Oh good, here's Monica, she'll have something nice to say.

MONICA: Um, I straightened out your shower curtain so you won't get mildew. What? To me that's nice.

CHANDLER: It's gonna be ok. You know that?

JOEY: No, I don't. It's like, ya know, you work your whole life for somethin' and you think that when you get it it's never gonna be as good as you thought it would be. But this so was. Ya know, it changed everything. Like the other day, I got this credit card application, and I was pre- approved. Huh? I've never been pre-approved for anything in my life.

CHANDLER: I'm sorry man.

RACHEL: Yeah, Joey honey, I don't know if this'll mean anything to you but you'll always be pre-approved with us.

JOEY: No, that means nothin to me.

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment.Chandler walks in to see Eddie holding a tray of cookies.]

CHANDLER: Uhhhaahh.

EDDIE: Pecan sandy, just made em.

CHANDLER: Yeah alright. What're these, raisins?

EDDIE: Uh, sure, why not.

CHANDLER: [throws it across the room while Eddie's not looking] Listen Eddie, um, I've been thinking about our current living situation and uh, why are you smiling?

EDDIE: I got a little surprise, look. There's a new fishie. I named him uh, Chandler, you know, after, after you.

CHANDLER: [looks in the fish bowl to see a fish cracker] Well that's not an, even a real fish. No, that's a goldfish cracker.

EDDIE: What's you point man?

CHANDLER: Ok, good night. [walks towards his room] You big freak of nature.

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.]

[Ross comes out of Rachel's bedroom in her bathrobe and heads for the bathroom. On his way back, Richard comes out of Monica's bedroom in her bathrobe.]

ROSS: Hey.

RICHARD: Hey.

ROSS: Hey.

RICHARD: Ohh, brisk tonight.

ROSS: Oh man.

RICHARD: Let's never speak of this.

ROSS: You got it. 

END


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The One Where Eddie Won't Go

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Originally written by .
Transcribed by: Josh Hodge



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[Scene: Chandler's bedroom. Chandler is sleeping and Eddie is there watching him.]

[Chandler wakes up]

CHANDLER: Hey Eddie. Daahh!! What're you doin' here?

EDDIE: Nothin' roomie, just watchin' you sleep.

CHANDLER: Why?

EDDIE: Makes me feel um, peaceful, heh-heh, please.

CHANDLER: I can't sleep now.

EDDIE: You want me to sing?

CHANDLER: No, look, that's it, it's over, I want you out, I want you out of the apartment now.

EDDIE: Woah, woah, woah, what're, what're you talkin' about man.

CHANDLER: Hannibal Lecter...better roommate than you.

EDDIE: No. See now I don't think you're being fair. I mean one night you see me and you get scared, I mean, what about all the other nights when you don't see me, huh? What about last night when you went and got a drink of water and I was nice enough to hide behind the door, what's that about, huh?

CHANDLER: I didn't realize that.

EDDIE: Yeah.

CHANDLER: GET OUT NOW!!

EDDIE: Ok, you really want me out?

CHANDLER: Yes please.

EDDIE: Ok, then I want to hear you say it, I, I want to hear you say you want me out.

CHANDLER: I want you out.

EDDIE: No no no, I wanna hear it from your lips.

CHANDLER: Where did you hear it from before?

EDDIE: Oh, right, all right, you know what pallie I understand, consider me gone, you know what, I'll be out by the time you get home from work tomorrow.

[Eddie leaves the room and Chandler mouths "Thank you" to himself]

EDDIE: I heard that.

OPENING TITLES 

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel are there, Joey enters wearing an old looking hat.]

JOEY: Hey.

MONICA: Hey.

RACHEL: Hey. Whe-ell, look at you, finally got that time machine workin' huh?

JOEY: Seriously, you like it? This guy was sellin' them on 8th avenue and I looked at 'em and I though, you know what I don't have?

MONICA: A mirror?

JOEY: Fine, make fun. I think it's jaunty.

MONICA: Wow, for a guy who's recently lost his job, you're in an awfully good mood.

JOEY: Hey, I'll be alright. I mean it's not like I'm starting from sqare one. I was Dr. Drake Remoray on Days of Our Lives. Heh? I mean that's gotta have some kind of cache.

MONICA: Cache? Jaunty?

JOEY: Chandler gave me word of the day toilet paper. I'm gonna get some coffee.

[Phoebe enters]

PHOEBE: Hey.

MONICA: Hey.

RACHEL: Hey.

PHOEBE: Oooh, so so so, did you read the book?

MONICA: Oh my God, it was incredible.

PHOEBE: Didn't it like totally speak to you?

RACHEL: Woah, woah, woah, what book is this?

MONICA: Rachel you have to read this book. It's called Be Your Own Windkeeper. It's about how women need to become more empowered.

PHOEBE: Yeah and oh, and but there's, there's wind and the wind can make us Goddesses. But you know who takes out wind? Men, they just take it.

RACHEL: Men just take out wind?

PHOEBE: Ya-huh, all the time, cause they are the lightning bearers.

RACHEL: Wow.

PHOEBE: Yeah.

RACHEL: Well that sounds kinda cool, kinda like The Hobbit.

MONICA: It is nothing like the Hobbit. It's like reading about every relationship I've ever had, except for Richard.

PHOEBE: Oh yes, no, Richard would never steal your wind.

MONICA: No.

PHOEBE: No, 'cause he's yummy.

MONICA: Yes. But all the other ones.

PHOEBE: Oh yes. Oh and, the part about how they're always like drinking from out pool of inner power, but God forbid we should take a sip.

JOEY: Anybody want a croan.

PHOEBE: Ok, this is a typical lightning-bearer thing. Right there, it's like, um, 'Hello, who wants one of my fallic shaped man cakes?'

[Scene: Estelle Leonard Talent Agency.Joey is there.]

ESTELLE: Don't worry about it already. Things happen.

JOEY: So, you're not mad at me for getting fired and everything?

ESTELLE: Joey, look at me, look at me. Do I have lipstick on my teeth?

JOEY: No, can we get back to me?

ESTELLE: Look honey, people get fired left and right in this business. I already got you an audition for Another World.

JOEY: Alright. Cab driver number two?

ESTELLE: You're welcome.

JOEY: But I was Dr. Drake Remoray. How can I go from bein' a neurosurgeon to drivin' a cab?

ESTELLE: Things change, roll with em.

JOEY: But this is a two line part, it's like takin' a step backwards. I'm not gonna do this.

ESTELLE: Joey, I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told Al Minser and his pyramid of dogs. Take any job you can get and don't make on the floor.

JOEY: I'm sorry. See ya.

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are there. Rachel has just finished reading the book.]

RACHEL: Oh, God, oh, God, I mean it's just so.

MONICA: Isn't it.

RACHEL: Uhh, I mean this is like reading about my own life. I mean this book could have been called 'Be Your Own Windkeeper Rachel'.

PHOEBE: I don't think it would have sold a million copies but it would have made a nice gift for you.

ROSS: Hey you guys.

MONICA: Hey.

ROSS: Uh, sweetie we've gotta go.

RACHEL: NO!

ROSS: No?

RACHEL: No, why do we always have to do everything according to your time table?

ROSS: Actually it's the movie theatre that has the time schedule. So you don't miss the beginning.

RACHEL: No, see this isn't about the movie theatre, this is about you stealing my wind.

MONICA: You go girl. I can't pull that off can I?

ROSS: Excuse me, your, your, your wind?

RACHEL: Yes, my wind. How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow?

ROSS: You, you know I, I don't, have a- have a problem with that.

RACHEL: Ok, I just, I just really need to be with myself right now. I'm sorry.

PHOEBE: Um-um, um-um.

RACHEL: You're right, I don't have to apologize. Sorry. Damnit!

[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey and Ross enter.]

JOEY: What is it?

ROSS: I, I don't know, it's got all this stuff about wind and trees and there's some kind of sacred pool in it. I mean, I don't really get it but she's, she's pretty upset about it.

JOEY: See, this is why I don't date women who read. Uh-oh.

ROSS: What, what's that?

JOEY: It's my VISA bill. Envelope one of two. That can't be good.

ROSS: Open it, open in.

JOEY: Oh my God.

ROSS: Woah.

JOEY: Look at this, how did I spend so much money?

ROSS: Uh Joey, that's just the minumum amount due, that's your total due.

JOEY: Ahh.

ROSS: What, woah, woah, $3500 at porcelain safari?

JOEY: My animals. Hey the guy said they suited me, he spoke with an accent, I was all confused. I don't know what I'm gonna do.

ROSS: Well I guess you can start by drivin a cab on Another World.

JOEY: What?

ROSS: That audition.

JOEY: That's a two line part.

ROSS: Joey, you owe $1100 at I Love Lucite.

JOEY: So what.

ROSS: So suck it up man, it's a job, it's money.

JOEY: Hey, look, I don't need you getting all judgemental and condescending and pedantic.

ROSS: Toilet paper?

JOEY: Yeah.

ROSS: Look, I'm not being any of those things, ok, I'm just being realistic.

JOEY: Well knock it off, you're supposed to be my friend.

ROSS: I am your friend.

JOEY: Well then tell me things like, 'Joey you'll be fine,' and, 'Hang in there,' and, and, 'Somethin' big's fonna come along, I know it.'

ROSS: But I don't know it. What I do know is that you owe $2300 at Isn't it Chromantic.

JOEY: Hey Ross, I'm aware of what I owe.

ROSS: Ok, well then get some sense. I mean it took you what, 10 years to get that job, who knows how long it's gonna be till you get another.

JOEY: Look, I don't wanna hear this right now.

ROSS: Huh, I'm just saying...

JOEY: Well don't just say.

ROSS: Ya know, maybe, maybe I should just go.

JOEY: Ok.

ROSS: Ok. I'll see ya later. Just think about it, ok.

JOEY: I don't need to think about it. I was Dr. Drake Remoray. That was huge. Big things are gonna happen, you'll see. Ross, you still there?

[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler peeks in the door. He doesn't see Eddie so he enters, breathing a sigh of relief. Eddie pops up from behind the bar.]

EDDIE: Hey pal.

CHANDLER: Ahhhh-gaaaahhh. Eddie what're you still doin' here?

EDDIE: Ah, just some basic dehydrating of a few fruits and vegetables. MAN ALIVE this thing's fantastic!

CHANDLER: Look Eddie, aren't you forgetting anything?

EDDIE: Oh yeah, that's right, look I got us a new goldfish. He's a lot fiestier that the last one.

CHANDLER: Maybe 'cause the last one was made by Pepperidge Farm. Look Eddie, isn't there something else you're supposed to be doing right now?

EDDIE: Well, not unless it's got something to do with dehydrating my man because right now I'm a dehydrating maniac!

CHANDLER: Look you have to help me out here. I thought we had a deal. I thought by the time...

EDDIE: Ah-ah-ah, you know what that is?

CHANDLER: Your last roommate's kidney?

EDDIE: That's a tomato. This one definitely goes in the display.

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey goes up to the bar to order.]

JOEY: Hey Gunther, let me get a lemonade to go.

GUNTHER: Lemonade? You ok man?

JOEY: Ah, it's career stuff. I don't know if you heard but they killed off my character on the show.

GUNTHER: Oh, that's too bad. How'd they do it?

JOEY: I fell down an elevator shaft.

GUNTHER: That sucks. I was buried in an avalanche.

JOEY: What?

GUNTHER: I used to be Bryce on All My Children.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Chandler is sleeping on the couch. Monica walks by and starts watching him.]

[Chandler wakes up]

CHANDLER: Daaahhhh!

MONICA: Aaahhhhhhh! Aaahhhh!

CHANDLER: Why must everybody watch me sleep? There'll be no more watching me sleep, no more watching.

MONICA: I wa-

CHANDLER: Uuuh.

[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler is returning from Monica and Rachel's with his bedding. Eddie is standing at the bar with his dehydrator and loads of fruit.]

EDDIE: Hey man, check it out, I got some great stuff to dehydrate here. I got some grapes, got some apricots, I thought it would be really cool to see what happens with these water balloons.

CHANDLER: Get out. Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out.

EDDIE: What?

CHANDLER: You, move out. Take your fruit, your stupid small fruit and GET OUT!

EDDIE: You, you want, you want me to move out?

CHANDLER: Uh-huh.

EDDIE: I uh, I gotta tell you man, I mean, that's uh, it's kinda out of the blue, I mean don't you think?

CHANDLER: This is not out of the blue, this is smack dab in the middle of the blue.

EDDIE: Ohhhh. Relax, take it easy buddy. Tell me twice, you want me to go? Alright, alright, guess I'll be back for my stuff. [walks out the door and after a pause comes back in] But if you think for one second I'm leaving you alone with my fish, you're insane Jack!

CHANDLER: You want some help.

EDDIE: No help required Chico. [reaches into the tank and grabs the fish and puts it in his pocket]

[Scene: Joey is at the cab driver interview.]

JOEY: All the way to the airport huh? You know that's over 30 miles, that's gonna cost you about so bucks.

CASTING GUY: Excuse me, that's 50 bucks.

JOEY: What?

CASTING GUY: Five oh dollars.

JOEY: Ohh, you know what it is? It's smudgy 'cause they're fax pages. Now when I was on Days of Our Lives as Dr. Drake Remoray, they'd send over the whole script on real paper and everything. 

CASTING GUY: That's great.

JOEY: And, and just so you know, if you wanted to expand this scene like, like have the cab crash or somethin', I could attend to the victims 'cause I have a background in medical acting.

CASTING GUY: Ok, listen, thanks for coming in.

JOEY: No no, uh, don't thank me for comin' in. Uh, at least let me finish. Uh, we could take the expressway but uh, this time of day you're better off taking the budge. You were goin' for the word bridge there weren't ya. I'll have a good day. [gets up and leaves]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are sitting around the coffee table.]

PHOEBE: Ok, question number 28, have you ever allowed a lighning bearer to take your wind? I would have to say no.

MONICA: And I would have to say pah-huh.

PHOEBE: What?

MONICA: Do you not remember the puppet guy?

RACHEL: Yeah you like totally let him wash his feet in the pool of your inner power.

MONICA: And his puppet too.

PHOEBE: Yeah ok, well at least I didn't let some guy into the forest of my righteous truth on the first date.

MONICA: Who?

PHOEBE: Paul.

MONICA: Oh.

RACHEL: Ok, ok, ok, moving on, moving on, next question. Ok number 29, have you ever betrayed another goddess for a lightning bearer? Ok, number 30.

MONICA: Woah, woah, woah, let's go back to 29.

RACHEL: Not uh, not to my recollection.

MONICA: Huuh, alright, Danny Arshak, ninth grade. Oh, c'mon Rach, you know the bottle was totally pointing at me.

RACHEL: Only 'cause you took up half the circle.

PHOEBE: Listen to you two. It's so sad. Looks like I'm gonna be going to the goddess meetings alone.

RACHEL: Well not when they find out you slept with Jason Hurley an hour after he broke up with Monica.

MONICA: One hour? You are such a leaf blower.

[Monica goes into her room and slams the door. Rachel does the same. Phoebe, without a door to slam, opens a small chest and slams the lid.]

[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey is watching movers take all his stuff away.]

JOEY: Oh hey uh, be careful with that 3-D last supper, Judas is a little loose.

ROSS: [enters] Oh my God, what's goin' on?

JOEY: They're takin all my stuff back. I guess you were right.

ROSS: No look I wasn''t right, that's what I came here to tell you. I was totally hung up on, on my own stuff. Listen, I'm someone who needs the whole security thing, ya know. To know exactly where my next paycheck is coming from buy you, you don't need that and that's amazing to me. I could never do what you do Joey.

JOEY: Thanks Ross.

ROSS: Yeah. And you should hold out for something bigger. I can't tell you how much respect I have for you not going to that stupid cab driver audition.

JOEY: I went.

ROSS: Great, how did it go?

JOEY: I didn't get it.

ROSS: Good for you.

JOEY: What?

ROSS: You're livin' the dream.

JOEY: Huh?

ROSS: All right then.

JOEY: [movers removing a glass parrot] Oh, not my parrot.

ROSS: What?

JOEY: I can't watch this.

ROSS: [approaching the mover holding the parrot] Hey hold on, hold on. How much for the uh, how much to save the bird?

MOVER: 1200.

ROSS: Dollars? You spent $1200 dollars on a plastic bird?

JOEY: Uhhh, I was an impulse buyer, near the register.

ROSS: Go ahead, go ahead with the bird. Ok, do you have anything for around 200?

MOVER: Uh, the dog. [points to a big poecelain greyhound]

ROSS: Huh.

MOVER: Yeah.

ROSS: I'll take it. My gift to you man.

JOEY: Thanks Ross. I really like that bird though...I'll take the dog though.

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Phoebe are sitting ignoring each other. Rachel walks up with two pieces of cake.]

RACHEL: Here are your cakes.

MONICA: We didn't order cake.

RACHEL: No, I know, they're from me. Look you guys this is not good. I mean we have enough trouble with guys stealing our wind without taking it from each other.

MONICA: You're right.

RACHEL: You know.

PHOEBE: I love you goddesses. I don't ever want to suck your wind again.

RACHEL: Thank you. So are we good?

MONICA: We're good.

RACHEL: We're good?

PHOEBE: Yeah.

RACHEL: Ok, let me take these cakes back 'cause they're gonna take that out of my paycheck.

CHANDLER: [enters] Ding dong, the psycho's gone.

MONICA: Are you sure this time?

CHANDLER: Yes, yes I actually saw him leave. I mean that guy is standing in the window holding a human head. He is STANDING IN THE WINDOW HOLDING A HUMAN HEAD!

EDDIE: [enters] Check it out man, I tore it off some mannaquin in the alley behind Macy's.

MONICA: There is no alley behind Macy's.

EDDIE: So I got it in the junior miss department, big diff. Anyway check it out man, it's gonna make a hell of a conversation piece at out next cocktail party, huh pal?

CHANDLER: Our next cocktail party?

EDDIE: Yeah, you know, put chips in it, we'll make like a chip chick.

CHANDLER: Eddie, do you remember yesterday?

EDDIE: Uh yes, I think I vaguely recall it.

CHANDLER: Do you remember talking to me yesterday?

EDDIE: Uh, yes.

CHANDLER: So what happened?

EDDIE: We took a road trip to Las Vegas man.

CHANDLER: Oh sweet Moses.

MONICA: So on this road trip, did you guys win any money?

EDDIE: Naah, I crapped out, but Mr. 21 over here he cleans up, 300 bucks, check it out he buys me these new shoes, sweet huh?

MONICA: Nice.

EDDIE: Yeah. Well see ya upstairs. See ya pals.

PHOEBE: Is anyone else starting to really like him?

[Scene: Hallway outside Chandler and Joey's apartment. Eddie walks up.]

[Eddie tries his key and it won't work. He knocks and Chandler answers the door. He's got the door chained.]

CHANDLER: May I help you?

EDDIE: Why doesn't my key work and what's all my stuff doin' downstairs?

CHANDLER: Well, I'm, I'm sorry...[Eddie forces his head in the door] Ahhh. Have we met?

EDDIE: It's Eddie you freak, your roommate.

CHANDLER: I, I'm sorry, I uh [unchains the door and opens it all the way] I already have a roommate. [Joey turns around in the leather recliner]

JOEY: Hello.

CHANDLER: Yeah, he's lived here for years, I don't, I don't know what you're talking about man.

EDDIE: No he, he moved out and I moved in.

CHANDLER: Well I, I think we'd remember something like that.

JOEY: I know I would.

EDDIE: Well that's uh, that's a good point. Um ok, well, uh, I guess I got the wrong apartment then. I, I'm, look, I'm, ya know, I'm sorry, I'm terriably sorry.

JOEY: Hey no problem.

CHANDLER: See ya. [shuts the door] Goodbuy you fruit drying psychopath. So you want me to help you unpack your stuff?

JOEY: Na, na I'm ok. Oh and uh, just so you know, I'm not movin' back in 'cause I have to. Well, I mean, I do have to. It's just that that place wasn't really, I mean, this is...

CHANDLER: Welcome home man. [they hug and jump around]

JOEY: A little foos?

CHANDLER: Absolutely.

JOEY: What happened to the foosball?

CHANDLER: Ah that's a cantelope.

CLOSING CREDITS 

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They are hauling out the porcelain dog from Joey's room. Chandler is holding the dog by the rear in a rather interesting position.]

CHANDLER: Hey look, are we gonna have to bring this out every time Ross comes over?

JOEY: He paid a lot of money for it.

CHANDLER: I'm gonna hold him a different way. Look I don't understand, if you hated it so much, why did you buy it in the first place?

JOEY: Well, I had a whole ceramic zoo thing goin' over there but now, without the other ones, it just looks tacky.

CHANDLER: So is he housetrained or is he gonna leave little bathroom tiles all over the place? Stay. Good, STAY! Good fake dog.

END


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The One Where Old Yeller Dies

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Originally written by .
Transcribed by: Josh Hodge



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe enters to see Monica, Richard, Ross, and Rachel tearfully watching TV.]

PHOEBE: Hey. Watcha guys doin?

RICHARD: Monica's making us watch Old Yeller.

PHOEBE: Why are you guys so upset? It's Old Yeller, it's a happy movie.

RACHEL: What?

ROSS: What're you talkin' about?

PHOEBE: C'mon, happy family gets a dog, frontier fun.

ROSS: Yeah but Phoebs, what about the end?

PHOEBE: What when Yeller saves saves the family from the wolf and everyone's happy?

RACHEL: That's not the end.

PHOEBE: Yu-huh. That's when my mother would shut off the TV and say 'The end'.

MONICA: What about the part where he has rabies?

PHOEBE: He doesn't have rabies, he has babies. That's what my mom said.

RICHARD: Uh, Phoebe, I don't think your mom would want you to see what's about to happen.

PHOEBE: What, what's about to happen? [starts watching] I've never seen this part before. Hey, Travis, watcha doin' with that gun? Oh no, no no Travis, put down the gun. No no no no, he he's your buddy, he's your Yeller, no, no no, the end, THE END. [hear the gunshot from the TV] 
[Scene:Monica and Rachel's apartment. Richard is on the balcony smoking and Monica is on the phone.]

MONICA: Hey, have you guys eaten, because uh, Richard and I just finished and we've got leftovers... Chicken and potatoes... What am I wearing?...Actually, nothing but rubber gloves.

[Chandler and Joey come sprinting in]

JOEY: Ya know, one of these times you're gonna really be naked and we're not gonna come over.

MONICA: Alright, I've got a leg, three breasts and a wing.

CHANDLER: Well, how do you find clothes that fit?

JOEY: Oh, hey, Monica, we've got a question.

MONICA: Alright, for the bizillionth time, yes I see other women in shower at the gym, and no I don't look.

JOEY: No, not that one. We're trying to figure out who to bring to the Knicks game tonight, we have an extra ticket.

CHANDLER: Yeah, Ross can't go so it's between my friend Eric Prower who has breath issues and Dan with the poking. [starts poking Monica in the shoulder] 'Did you see that play? Do you want some more beer? Is that Spike Lee?'

MONICA: Ok. [Richard walks in] Hey, why don't you ask Richard?

JOEY: Ok, uh, hey Richard, if you had an extra ticket to the Knicks game and you had to choose between a friend who smells and one who bruises you who would you pick?

RICHARD: Wow. Well being a huge Knicks fan myself, I think you should take someone who's a huge Knicks fan.

CHANDLER: Ok, that's Eric.

RICHARD: Glad to be of help. Matches. [walks out to the balcony]

MONICA: I meant, why don't you take Richard to the game? What?

JOEY: I don't know.

MONICA: C'mon. Keeps his fingers to himself and he's always minty fresh.

CHANDLER: I don't know, Richard's really nice and everything, uh, it's just that we don't know him really well, ya know, and plus he's, ya know, old [Monica gives him a glare] -er than some people, but, uh, younger than some buildings.

MONICA: So what, he's a little older, big deal, I mean he's important to me. Ya know if you ask him, he might take you on his Jag. [walks off]

JOEY: How do we say yes now and make it seem like we're not doin' it just to ride in the cool car?

CHANDLER: Ok, this could be tough.

JOEY: [Monica walks back in the kitchen] Ok ok ok ok. Monica, we'll bring him, but only if he takes the Jaguar.

CHANDLER: Ooh, you almost had it.

[Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross is holding Ben.]

ROSS: [smells Ben's butt] No no, you're fine, you're fine.

CAROL: [enters with Susan] Hello

ROSS: Hi.

SUSAN: Hey.

CAROL: Hi honey.

ROSS: Oh you guys are not gonna believe what happened.

CAROL: What?

SUSAN: What?

ROSS: Ok, we were sitting over there playing on the floor and he grabs the table and he pulls himself up. He pulled himself up. Standing man. I'm sorry you guys missed it but I did tape it so it you guys want to see it.

CAROL: Uhh, we know, he already did it last week.

SUSAN: You can watch our tape if you want. 

ROSS: I don't believe this. I miss, I miss the first time of everything. I missed, what, the first time he rolled over, the first time he crawled. What else did I miss? Has he spoken yet, is he driving, does he have a favorite liquour?

CAROL: Actually, he is getting closer on the talking thing. He can't quite say mama yet, but once he said yumen.

ROSS: Ooh, I, I'm so sick of missing stuff. Ya know, I want him for more than, than a day, I want him for a whole weekend. No listen , I mean, I feel like-

CAROL and SUSAN: Great. That would be fine.

ROSS: Really? I mean, I, I had a whole speach prepared.

SUSAN: Oh shout, that would have been fun.

ROSS: Oh look, did, did you just see that? Did you see? He just waved, he just waved, he's never waved before, you've never waved before. Yes he has. Very good.

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel are there. Phoebe enters carrying video tapes.]

PHOEBE: Hey.

RACHEL: Hey Phoebs, whatcha got there?

PHOEBE: Ok, Love Story, Brian's Song, and Terms of Endearment.

MONICA: Wow, all you need now is The Killing Fields and some guacamole and you've got yourself a part-ay.

PHOEBE: Yeah, I talked to my grandma about the Old Yeller incident, and she told me that my mom used to not show us the ends of sad movies to shield us from the pain and sadness. You know, before she killed herself.

[Chandler and Joey enter]

CHANDLER: Hey.

JOEY: Hey.

RACHEL: Hey.

MONICA: Hey. Where is he, where's Richard? Did you ditch him?

JOEY: Yeah right after we stole his lunch money and gave him a wedgie. What's the matter with you, he's parking the car.

MONICA: So'd you guys have fun?

CHANDLER: Your boyfriend is so cool.

MONICA: Really?

CHANDLER: Yeah, he let us drive his Jaguar. Joey for 12 blocks, me for 15.

RACHEL: Wow, he must like you the best.

JOEY: Oh, what about that thing he did when he tipped the guy who showed us to our seats. You never even saw the money, it was like this. [With money in his palm] Hey Chandler, thanks for showing us to our seats [shakes his had and passes the dollar].

CHANDLER: You're welcome. Hey Joey, thanks for parking the car [passes the dollar back].

JOEY: No problem. Hey Chandler

CHANDLER: I think they get it.

JOEY: Ok.

[Richard enters]

CHANDLER: There's the man.

JOEY: He-he-eyy. [Shakes his had and passes the dollar]

RICHARD: Hey, you're gettin' better. I'm gonna keep this by the way.

JOEY: Ok. He kept my dollar.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Carol and Susan are dropping off Ben.]

MONICA: So your first whole weekend without Ben, what're you guys gonna do?

CAROL: Uh, we're going down to Colonial Williamsburg.

SUSAN: Yeah, a woman I went to college with just became the first female blacksmith down there.

ROSS: Well, ya know, they're a little behind the times in Colonial Williamsburg.

CAROL: Think I better go before mommy starts weeping.

ROSS: Buy mommy.

CAROL and SUSAN: We love you. Buy.

ROSS: Have a good time. Ok, Ben.

MONICA: Ross.

ROSS: Yeah.

MONICA: Look. [they look at Joey in the kitchen with a cigar in his mouth, looking at his reflection in a spatula] Joey, do you know we can see you from here?

JOEY: How come Richard looks so much cooler with one of these than me?

ROSS: Well for starters, you may want to light it and lose the spatula.

MONICA: You know what, I think it's cute, you trying to be more like Richard.

JOEY: Not like him, per-se, just not un-like him.

[Chandler enters with his hair full of mousse and a cheesy moustache]

ROSS: Look it's the artist formerly known as Chandler.

CHANDLER: Just tryin' somethin' here, ya know.

MONICA: So Joey, why didn't you grow a moustache?

JOEY: Oh we flipped for it. I got the cigar, he got the moustache. Figured if we both grew it, we'd look like dorks.

ROSS: Yeah, you really sidestepped that land mine.

CHANDLER: Hey listen, we've gotta go, I promised Richard we'd meet him downstairs.

MONICA: You're meeting Richard?

JOEY: Yeah, we're goin' to a Ranger game.

CHANDLER: Yeah, didn't he tell ya?

MONICA: Well, he told me he was going out with the guys, I just didn't know that you were the guys.

CHANDLER: You hear that? We're the guys.

JOEY: We're the guys.

MONICA: With that moustache doesn't Chandler remind you of Aunt Sylvia?

ROSS: Thank you.

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is working. Ross enters with Ben.]

ROSS: Hi, we're visitiing. It's Ben and his da-da. Da-da. Can you say da-da? Look, I'm gonna tell your momies you said it anyway so you might as well try.

RACHEL: No luck huh?

ROSS: Naa. A while ago I got a sah out of him, which I thought, ya know, might turn into sah-condary caregiver but... Hey, would you uh, would you hold him for a sec, 'cause I, I gotta take this off.

RACHEL: Oh, yeah sure, Ok. [she takes Ben and holds him at arms length]

ROSS: What're you doing?

RACHEL: Uh, I'm holding Ben.

ROSS: Yeah, well, he's a baby not a bomb.

RACHEL: Ok.

ROSS: Well just hold him like you'd hold a football.

RACHEL: This is how I would hold a football.

ROSS: Ok, here, here. There we go.

RACHEL: Ok, I'm sorry, I'm just not very good with babies. I mean I haven't been around them, I mean, you know, since I was one.

ROSS: It's alright, it's no big deal.

RACHEL: Really?

ROSS: Yeah, definitely, I'm sure you'll feel totally different when it's our baby.

RACHEL: What?

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: You think about stuff like that?

ROSS: Uhh, yeah. I mean, actually I kinda think that we'll have, we'll have two babies.

RACHEL: Two, two babies?

ROSS: Yeah. Ya know, a boy and a girl. Hopefully the girl will come first so Ben here won't feel too competitive.

RACHEL: Then what's gonna happen?

ROSS: Well, we won't wanna raise kids in the city so we'll probably move to uh, Scarsdale.

RACHEL: Uh-huh.

ROSS: Yeah, that way I figure, ya know, we'll be far enough away from our parents that we don't have to see them all the time but close enough that they can come over and babysit whenever we want. And yes, I know, the taxes are a little higher than, let's say, Nassau county but the school system's supposedly great.

RACHEL: Wow. Wow, that's great. Great. Ok, wow, you know what.

ROSS: Huh?

RACHEL: I'm off my break now so uh, um here you take this [hands back Ben] and um, I am gonna go pour these very nice people some coffee. Ok. Oh look at that, I don't have a pot. I don't have a pot. Well, hey, maybe I've got one at home, or in Scarsdale. Hey is that a door? [leaves]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Richard are there. Phoebe enters.]

PHOEBE: Hey.

RICHARD: Hey Phoebs, what's happening?

PHOEBE: Oh, ok, murder, cancer, soccer teams eating each other in the Andes.

MONICA: So you watched the movies huh?

PHOEBE: Uh huh, what is happening to the world? I mean, no no no, 'cause ET leaves, and and Rocky loses, Charlotte dies.

RICHARD: Charlotte who?

PHOEBE: With the web, the spider she dies, she does. She has babies and dies. It's like ya know, hey welcome home from the hospital, thud.

MONICA: Alright, you wanna feel better?

PHOEBE: Yeah.

MONICA: Ok, here, watch this.

PHOEBE: It's a Wonderful Life. Yes I've heard of this.

MONICA: So you can't lose, it's there in the title. Wonderfullness is baked right in.

PHOEBE: Please, I almost fell for that with, uh, Pride of the Yankees, I thought I was gonna see a film about Yankee pride and then, boom, the guy gets Lou Gehrig's disease.

RICHARD: Uh, the guy was Lou Gehrig. Didn't you kinda see it coming?

PHOEBE: Phoebe, just watch that, I promise it will resotre all your faith in humanity.

CHANDLER: [runs in] Hey, big guy, game time.

RICHARD: Hey, be right there.

MONICA: There's a game?

CHANDLER: Uh, yeah, I just got my pick-up sticks back from the shop. Bring your nerves of steel.

RICHARD: It's the basketball playoffs.

MONICA: Listen, um honey, I appreciate this but you don't have to keep hanging out with them for me, I mean, they have each other.

RICHARD: Oh, no, honey, I mean, don't worry, I like hanging out with those guys. It's fun for me. They're different than my other friends, they don't start sentences with, 'You know who just died shoveling snow?'

MONICA: Alright that's great, then just go. Go Knicks.

RICHARD: Uh, it's the college playoffs.

MONICA: Oh, then go Vassar.

RICHARD: Uh, they're not in it.

MONICA: Ok, then just go.

RICHARD: Ok. [leaves]

MONICA: Oh, why does this bother me so much? I mean I don't wanna be one of those people who tells their boyfriend they wanna spend 24 hours a day with them.

PHOEBE: Sure.

MONICA: It's just that he doesn't have that much free time, ya know, and I don't know, what do I do?

PHOEBE: Does it matter? You're ultimately just gonna die or get divorced or have to blow your pets head off.

RACHEL: [enters] Aghh.

PHOEBE: Me too. [leaves]

MONICA: I've got a question. Richard made plans again with the guys.

RACHEL: Yeah well, Ross just made plans for the whole century.

MONICA: Ya know what, I think I'm gonna go to my room and read Cosmo, maybe there's something helpful in there. Know what, at least maybe I can learn how to do an at home bikini wax with leftover Cristmas candles.

ROSS: [enters] Ok, what the hell happened back there?

RACHEL: I don't know, you tell me. One minute I'm holding Ben like a football, the next thing I know, I've got two kids, I'm living in Scarsdale complaining about the taxes.

ROSS: Well I'm sorry, I think about stuff. Ya know, I mean, you're at work, you're assembling bones, your mind wanders.

RACHEL: Ross, you have planned out the next 20 years of our lives, we've been dating for six weeks.

ROSS: C'mon, what, you never think about our future?

RACHEL: Yes, but I, I think about who's apartment we're gonna sleep at tomorrow night and, and where we're gonna have dinner next Saturday night. I do not think about what our childrens' names are gonna be. You know what our childrens names are gonna be.

ROSS: No, no, I mean, ya know, I, I read a book and there was a girl named Emily and I thought, I thought that might be good.

RACHEL: What was the book?

ROSS: The big book of childrens' names.

RACHEL: Ok, Ross, Ross, ok listen, what we have is amazing.

ROSS: Yeah.

RACHEL: But I do not want to have everything decided for me. I spent my whole life like that. It's what I had with Barry, that was one of the reasons I left. I, I like not knowing right now and I'm sorry if that scares you but if you want to be with me you are gonna have to deal with that.

ROSS: Ok fine.

RACHEL: Thank you.

ROSS: We're not done.

RACHEL: I didn't know that.

ROSS: Ok, then you're gonna have to understand that you're with a guy who's not gonna stop planning his future with you because he knows that we're gonna end up together and if that scares you, tough, 'cause you're gonna have to deal with that.

RACHEL: Fine, I will.

ROSS: Good, 'cause I love you.

RACHEL: Oh yeah.

ROSS: Yeah.

RACHEL: Well I love you too.

ROSS: Well that's the first time we've said that.

RACHEL: Yes it is.

ROSS: Well, I'm gonna kiss you.

RACHEL: Well you better.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is in the kitchen, Phoebe enters.]

PHOEBE: Hey. Oh thanks for the great movie tip.

MONICA: Did you like it?

PHOEBE: Oh yeah. You know, I don't know if I was happier when um George Bailey destroyed the family business or um, Donna Reid cried, or when the mean pharmacist made his ear bleed.

MONICA: Alright, I'll give you the ear thing but don't you think the ending was pretty wonderful?

PHOEBE: I didn't watch the ending, I was too depressed. It just kept getting worse and worse, it should have been called, "It's a sucky life and just when you think it can't suck any more it does."

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are playing Richard at foosball.]

CHANDLER: Kick save and... denied.

RICHARD: But... he gets it back, pass to the middle, lines it up and... BAM! Yes! Could that shot BE any prettier?

JOEY: Man you are incredible.

RICHARD: Well, we had a table in college.

CHANDLER: Oh really, I didn't know they had foosball in the 1800's.

RICHARD: Nice moustache by the way. When puberty hits that thing's really gonna kick in.

MONICA: [enters] Honey. Uh, not to sound too Florence Henderson but, dinner's on the table.

RICHARD: Ok, just one more point.

MONICA: [grabs the other two bars on Richard's side and scores] Score! Now can we go?

CHANDLER: See, that's why we don't let her play.

RICHARD: Is everything all right?

MONICA: Um-hmm.

RICHARD: Uh-oh.

CHANDLER: Oh hey listen, don't be mad at him, it's our fault. I'm sorry we've been hoggin so much of his time.

JOEY: Yeah, he's just really great to hang around with.

RICHARD: Well.

JOEY: No no, seriously, Chandler and I were just talkin about this. He is so much cooler than our dads. [Chandler starts kicking him below the table] I mean, you know, our dad's are ok, ya know, but Richard is just- ow, ow. What are you kickin me for? Huh? I'm tryin to talk here.

RICHARD: Uh, you guys see me as a dad?

JOEY: Oh yeah.

CHANDLER: No.

JOEY: Nooooo.

CHANDLER: Your just, your just clearly not familiar with our young persons vernacular. See, when we say dad, we mean buddy. We mean pal.

RICHARD: Uh-huh, yeah.

CHANDLER: No no, seriously, Joey's my dad, Monica's my dad. I've even got some dads down at work.

RICHARD: That's fine. Well, your other dad and I are gonna go have a romantic evening and I guess I'll just see you kids around.

MONICA: Nighty-nite.

CHANDLER: You're not a dad. You're not a dad.

JOEY: Not a dad.

CHANDLER: I can't believe you got us into trouble. [slaps Joey on the arm. Joey takes exception and slaps him back]

MONICA: [her and Richard return to her place] So are you ok?

RICHARD: Yeah, just, I feel like I'm about a hundred. I thought I was just one of the guys.

MONICA: Come here. I'll make you feel like one of the guys. You know for a really cool guy, you suck at foosball.

RICHARD: What're you talkin' about, I was killin' 'em.

MONICA: Yeah, well they suck too.

[Scene: Ross's apartment. Rachel is changing Ben's diaper under Ross's supervision.]

ROSS: Ok, and then you take the poopie diaper and you put it in the poopie diaper pail.

RACHEL: Ok Ross, just so you know, calling it a poopie diaper doesn't make this process any cuter.

ROSS: [doorbell buzzes] Hello.

CAROL: It's us.

ROSS: Come on up. I'm gonna get the rest of his stuff together. [walks in his room]

RACHEL: Ok, we can do this now, can't we Ben? Yes we can, yes we can. [finishes the diaper] There. I did it. I did it. Look at that, oh, stays on and everything. Hi.

BEN: Hi.

RACHEL: I'm sorry, what did you just say? Did you just say hi? Oh my God, Ross, Ross, Ben just said 'Hi'.

ROSS: Wha, what?

RACHEL: Ben just said hi.

ROSS: What, the word hi?

RACHEL: Ye-, no, my Uncle Hi.

ROSS: Great, great, and I miss that too, I miss everything.

RACHEL: Oh, I'm sorry, I guess I just bring it out in him.

CAROL and SUSAN: Hello.

RACHEL: Guess what. Ben just said his first word.

CAROL: What did he say?

ROSS: Something about hi.

SUSAN: That's so exciting.

CAROL: Mommy is so proud of you. Hi. Hi.

RACHEL: You know, actually it's more like, hi.

CAROL: Hi.

RACHEL: Hi.

CAROL: Hi.

RACHEL: Hi.

CAROL: Hi.

RACHEL: Hi.

CAROL: Hi.

SUSAN: Ok, this could go on for a while.

CAROL: We've got a cab waiting downstairs.

ROSS: Well, this was fun. Uh, we should really do it again sometime, wha'dya say? Ok. Alright so I've got him.

CAROL: Tuesday.

ROSS: Tuesday right. Ok, bye you guys.

RACHEL: Take care.

ROSS: Bye Ben.

BEN: Bye.

RACHEL: Did, did he just, did he, did he just say, he said bye. He said bye. You said, you said bye to me. You said bye to me.

SUSAN: Suddenly I'm seeing him go off to college.

CAROL: We've gotta go, we've got that cab waiting.

ROSS: Alright, alright, ok. Bye.

BEN: Bye.

ROSS: Bye.

BEN: Bye.

ROSS: Bye.

BEN: Bye.

ROSS: Bye.

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe is watching Bert and Ernie with Ben.]

ERNIE: Oh wow, look at this nice deep hole I've been digging. Hey Bert, isn't this a nice hole here. Hey.

PHOEBE: [pauses the tape] Ok, Ben, this is the part where Ernie buries Bert in the sand and can't find him. Now, I've looked ahead on the tape and he does find him again. But, ok, before that happens, there's some pretty rough goin' for a while but I think we can handle it. And, there's just the alphabet but we know that ends well so. Ok, here we go. [starts the tape again]

ERNIE: Bert, Bert. Bert. Hey, what happened to my friend Bert? He was here just a moment ago. Oh no, my old friend Bert is lost.

PHOEBE: Oh, I'm so glad you're here.

END


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The One With the Two Bullies

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Written by: Sebastian Jones & Brian Buckner.
Transcribed by: Josh Hodge



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Everyone is there. Monica is watching stock prices on a business channel.]

JOEY: Hey Monica, why are we watchin' the business channel?

MONICA: 'Cause I was going by it the other day and I saw that there was a stock with my initials, MEG, on it and, well, sometimes I have to watch for two or three hours before it comes up again but when it does, it's pretty exciting.

RACHEL: Ok honey, you really need a job.

ROSS: Mon, speaking of which, dad says he knows someone you can call for an interview.

MONICA: Really.

PHOEBE: Ok, right there. That, that's the third sign today. Right there.

ROSS: On behalf of everyone, I'd just like to say behuh.

PHOEBE: No, 'cause you just said dad and everywhere I go today I keep getting signs telling me to go see my father. Like when I was walking over here and I passed a buffet...which is my father's last name.

EVERYONE: Ahh.

PHOEBE: And they were serving franks which is his first name minus the s at the end. And there was a rotisserie with spinning chicken.

MONICA: His indian name?

PHOEBE: No because I chickened out the last time when I tried to meet him. So I mean coincidences? I don't think so.

ROSS: Freakish.

MONICA: Wow.

JOEY: Freaky.

MONICA: Weird, weird.

RACHEL: Ok, so uh, who wants the last hamburger?

PHOEBE: Oh, alright, that's it, now I have to go see him.

MONICA: Why?

PHOEBE: Hamburger. McDonald's. Old MacDonald had a farm, my dad is a pharmacist.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Ross enter in sweats carrying rackets.]

CHANDLER: Man, I am so beat.

ROSS: Oh yeah.

CHANDLER: Hey, you just wanna forget about raquetball and hang out here?

ROSS: Yeah alright.

[they sit at the couch]

BIG BULLY: [walks back from the counter] Hey you're in our seats.

ROSS: Oh, sorry we didn't know.

LITTLE BULLY: [walks back from the counter] Hey, we were sitting there.

CHANDLER: Ok, there is one more way to say it, who knows it?

LITTLE BULLY: Is that supposed to be funny?

CHANDLER: No actually, I was just going for colorful.

BIG BULLY: What's with this guy?

LITTLE BULLY: What's with you?

ROSS: Uh, nothing, nothing's with him. Enjoy your coffee.

[as they're walking off, little bully grabs Chandlers hat from behind and puts it on himself]

CHANDLER: What just happened?

LITTLE BULLY: I just took your hat. See, I can be funny too. My, my joke is that I, I took your hat.

CHANDLER: That, that is funny. Can I have it back?

LITTLE BULLY: No.

CHANDLER: No?

BIG BULLY: No.

ROSS: Ok, ok, you know what? I think you're very funny. Kudos on that hat joke. But, come on guy just, just give him back the hat.

BIG BULLY: Why should we?

ROSS: Because it's a special hat. [Chandler looks at Ross funny] See he bought it 'cause he was feeling really down one day so he got the hat to cheer himself up, ya know. Now Chandler...

CHANDLER: Stop talking, stop talking now. Let me just get this straight. You're actually stealing my hat?

BIG BULLY: You got a problem with that?

CHANDLER: No, just wanna make sure we're on the same page.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey and Rachel are sitting there and Monica walks in.]

RACHEL: Hey, how'd the interview go?

MONICA: It bit. It was a 50's theme restraunt. I have to cook in a costume and dance on the counter. I mean I was a chef at Cafe des Artistes. I mean how could I take a job where I have to make something called Laverne and Curly Fries?

RACHEL: So don't do it.

MONICA: How can I not do it? I have $127 in the bank.

JOEY: Monica, relax, go get a beer.

MONICA: I don't want a beer.

JOEY: Who said it was for you?

ROSS and CHANDLER: [both enter looking down] Hhhiiii.

RACHEL: What's the matter with you?

CHANDLER: The mean guys at the coffee house took my hat.

RACHEL: Noo.

JOEY: You're kiddin'.

ROSS: It was ridiculous. Ya know, these guys, they were bullies, actual bullies, ya know. We're grown ups, this kinda stuff isn't supposed to happen anymore.

RACHEL: Oohhh.

ROSS: Hi.

RACHEL: Hi. [Ross turns to Rachel and they hug]

CHANDLER: Ohhh [turns as if to hug someone] Oh no, wait a minute, I have no one.

JOEY: Hey, woah, let's go down there and get your hat back.

CHANDLER: Na, forget it, it's probably stripped and sold for parts by now.

MONICA: [seeing TV] Hey, I went up.

RACHEL: What?

MONICA: My stock, MEG, it went up 2 points. Hey guys, do you realize that if I had invested my $127 in myself yesterday that I'd like have...a lot more than that today. Ya know what, I'm gonna do it.

JOEY: Do what?

MONICA: Put all my money in me.

RACHEL: Monica, what are you talking about? You don't know the first thing about the stock market.

MONICA: What's to know? Buy sell, high low, bears bulls...[on the phone] Yes Manhattan...yeah telephone number of the stock...selling store.

[Scene: Phoebe's dad's house. Phoebe pulls up in the cab with Rachel and Joey in the back.]

[Phoebe slams on the breaks. Joey and Rachel are thrown forward into the pillows in their laps.]

JOEY: See, didn't I tell ya these pillows would be a good idea?

PHOEBE: Oh God, here we go. For the first time in my life I'm gonna say 'Hi birthfather'.

RACHEL: We love you, we're here for you.

JOEY: Yeah good luck, good luck.

PHOEBE: Thanks. [gets out of the cab]

JOEY: Hey Rach, you uh, you want some sandwich?

RACHEL: Ohh, what is in that?

JOEY: Olive loaf and ham spread, no mayo.

RACHEL: No no, 'cause mayo, that would make it gross.

PHOEBE: [a little dog starts attacking her leg] Hey, hey, no, oh oh.

RACHEL: Run Phoebe run.

PHOEBE: No no no, doggie please. Oh, I do so wanna love all animals, please no.

JOEY: Get him a bone, get a bone. You gotta bone?

RACHEL: Are you kidding me?

PHOEBE: Look kibbles, bits. Oh God, alright, get the hell off my leg you yippity piece of crap. [Flings the dog off and jumps in the cab. The dog keeps jumping up to the window.] Ok, alright, we have a problem.

JOEY: Well why don't you just reach out and take his trampoline.

RACHEL: Ok, here, I know what we can do. [grabs Joey's sadwich and throws it out the window]

JOEY: Hey, hey, hey no.

RACHEL: Ok, doggie get the- aahhh. Ok go get the sandwich, get the sandwich doggie. [dog ignores the sandwich] Good doggie get the sandwich, get the...ok, Joey, the dog will lick himself but he will not touch your sandwich, what does that say?

JOEY: Well if he's not gonna eat it, I will.

PHOEBE: Are you crazy?

JOEY: Phoebs, he's just a little dog. [turns back to the car window and the dog is halfway through it.] Ahhh.

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Ross are sitting at the couch.]

CHANDLER: Hey.

ROSS: What?

CHANDLER: Do you have to be a Century 21 real-estate agent to get to wear those really cool jackets?

ROSS: Do you say this stuff to girls?

BIG BULLY: Hehehehey, isn't that the guy who used to wear your hat?

LITTLE BULLY: And look where they're sitting.

ROSS: You're joking, right? You guys just walked through the door.

BIG BULLY: Maybe we didn't make it clear enough.

LITTLE BULLY: Yeah.

BIG BULLY: This couch belongs to us.

CHANDLER: Alright, I'll tell you what, you call the couch and then, and then we'll call the couch, and we'll see who it comes to.

BIG BULLY: You know what I keep wondering? Why you two are still sitting here.

ROSS: Alright, that's it. I've had enough of this, alright. Gunther, these guys are trying to take our seat.

GUNTHER: Fellas, these guys were here first.

BIG BULLY: Oh, sorry, I didn't realize.

LITTLE BULLY: Sorry.

GUNTHER: There you go.

ROSS: Thank you Gunther. We didn't want to have to go and do that.

LITTLE BULLY: He told on us?

BIG BULLY: You told on us?

ROSS: Well pal, you didn't give me much of a choice. [flicks the ends of the big bully's tie]

CHANDLER: Don't play with his things.

ROSS: I know.

BIG BULLY: Alright, let's take this outside.

ROSS: Let's, let's take this outside? Who talks like that?

BIG BULLY: The guy that's about to kick your ass talks like that.

CHANDLER: You had to ask.

ROSS: Yeah.

[the bullies grab the back of the couch that Ross and Chandler are sitting in and tip back]

ROSS: Ok, ok look, see, the thing is we're, we're not gonna fight you guys.

LITTLE BULLY: Well then here's the deal, you won't have to so long as never ever show your faces in this coffee house ever again.

CHANDLER: I think you played the Gunther card too soon.

[Scene: Back in the cab in front of Phoebe's dad's house.]

JOEY: Hey Phoeb's, I think you're good to go.

PHOEBE: Yeah, I don't know.

RACHEL: What's the matter?

PHOEBE: I just think that this was a really bad sign, ya know. I mean, like the beast at the threshold, you know. It's just like, I have no family left, ya know. I mean except for my grandmother, you know, but let's face it, she's not gonna be around forever, despite what she says. And I have a sister who I've barely spoken to since we like shared a womb. I don't know, this is my real father and I just, I want things to be like just right.

RACHEL: Yeah Phoebe, I completely understand.

JOEY: Yeah, whatever you need. Hey, you wanna go home?

PHOEBE: Ok, thanks. Sorry, again

[She starts the cab and pulls forward. We hear a squish and a dog yelp.]

PHOEBE: [innocently] What was that?

JOEY: Uhh, I'm guessing the threshold's clear now.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey is eating breakfast, Rachel has just gotten up, and Monica is on the phone.]

MONICA: I wanna buy 5 shares of SGJ and I wanna buy them now. C'mon time is money my friend. Thank you. Wooo.

RACHEL: Time is money my friend?

JOEY: Yeah, you missed, 'Takes money to make money,' and uh, 'Don't make me come down there and kick your wall street butt.'

MONICA: Hey, I made $17 before breakfast, what have you done?

JOEY: Well uh, I had breakfast here so technically I saved $3.50.

RACHEL: How did you make $17.

MONICA: Well, my financially challenged friends, I split my money and I bought some shares of CHP and ZXY.

JOEY: How come those?

MONICA: Well, CHP because I used to have a crush on Eric Estrada. And ZXY becuase I think it sounds zexy.

RACHEL: What happened to uh, MEG.?

MONICA: MEG was good for me but I dumped her. Ya know, my motto is get out before they go down.

JOEY: That is so not my motto.

PHOEBE: [enters] Hey.

RACHEL: Hey Phoebs. Oh hey, how's the dog?

PHOEBE: Ok, I talked to the vet, people are so nice upstate. Anyway, he said that the little fella's gonna be ok and I can pick him up tomorrow.

JOEY: Good.

RACHEL: Oh, thank God.

PHOEBE: Yeah, but he did have to have a bunch of stitches and he said that only once in a blue moon does a dog's ear grow back so...still hoping.

RACHEL: Ok, so Phoebe, now are you gonna call your dad and let him know that his dog is ok?

PHOEBE: I, I don't wanna meet my father over the phone. What am I gonna say, like 'Hi, I'm Phoebe, the daughter you abandoned. Oh, by the way, I broke your dog.'

JOEY: Hey Phoebs, if you want, I'll do it.

PHOEBE: Ok. Listen, just don't say anything about me, ok. [goes over and grabs the phone that's sitting by Monica]

MONICA: DON'T...be too long with the phone.

RACHEL: She'll be a much better friend when the market closes.

JOEY: [dials the phone] It's a woman.

PHOEBE: So talk to her.

JOEY: [in a fake voice] Uhh, hello Miss Buffay. I know where your dog is. I want you to know that he'll be returned to you, almost as good as new, within, within 24 hours. Uh, goodbye. [hangs up]

RACHEL: Why the voice.

JOEY: [in the voice] Hard to say.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Ross is sitting at the bar, Chandler serves up two mugs of hot water.]

CHANDLER: Your cappucino sir.

ROSS: Thank you.

[they both pour in packets of cappucino mix]

CHANDLER: Ya know I think this is much better than the coffee house.

ROSS: Absolutely.

[they both stir thier coffee and proceed to stare into the mugs]

ROSS: How come it's not mixing with the water?

CHANDLER:Well the package says you have to uh, constantly keep it moving. Stir and drink, stir and drink, never let it settle.

[they both try to drink while continuously stirring]

JOEY: [walks out of his room] Hey, this is ridiculous. I'll tell you what. After I get back from my neice's christening, I'll go down to the coffee house with you and we'll all have a nice cup of coffee alright. No problem, Joey's there.

CHANDLER: Ok.

ROSS: No.

CHANDLER: No?

ROSS: No. Man I don't wanna have to have Joey with me every time I wanna descent cup of coffee. Ya know, and I don't wanna spend the rest of my life drinking cappucino with a 'K'. I say you and I go back down there and stand up to those guys.

CHANDLER: Alright, hang on a second there Custer.

JOEY: Yeah really, Ross, have you ever been beaten up before?

ROSS: Yeah, sure.

JOEY: By someone besides Monica?

ROSS: No. So what. So what if we get beaten up, maybe that's just something every man has to go through once in his life. Ya know, like a, like a right of passage or somethin'.

CHANDLER: Well, couldn't we just lose our virginities again? Ya know, because I think actually mine's growing back.

[Scene: Outside Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is returning.]

MONICA: [Opens the door] I need to borrow a hundred bucks.

RACHEL: What?

MONICA: Hi, welcome home. [pulls Rachel inside] I need to borrow a hundred bucks.

RACHEL: For what?

MONICA: I've gotta get back in the game.

RACHEL: Why, when did you get out of the game?

MONICA: I don't know, I lost it all ok. I lost it.

RACHEL: Oh no.

MONICA: Hey, I've come to terms with it, you have to too.

RACHEL: Ok. Look uhh, Mon I'm, I'm really sorry.

MONICA: Yeah, yeah, yeah, where are we on the hundred bucks?

RACHEL: I, I don't have it.

MONICA: But I need it. Otherwords I'm gonna have to take that horrible diner job. You know, with the dancing and the costumes. I don't wanna have to wear flame retardant boobs.

RACHEL: Nobody does honey.

[Scene: Phoebe's dad's house. Phoebe is returning the dog who is bandaged up and has a plastic cone around it's neck.]

PHOEBE: Hi.

MRS BUFFAY: Schnoodle. Oh my God, what the hell happened to my dog?

PHOEBE: It was an accident, and, and the woman who did this would never ever hurt a dog on purpose. She's a vegetarian.

MRS BUFFAY: What are these, stitches?

PHOEBE: Yeah, eight of them. That's 56 to him. You know also, if, if it's raining, you can't let him look up too long 'cause that cone'll fill up really really fast.

MRS BUFFAY: Yeah well, thanks for bringing back what's left of him.

PHOEBE: Sure, oh, is, is Frank home.

MRS BUFFAY: How do you know Frank?

PHOEBE: Just from a, from a long time ago. Is he here?

MRS BUFFAY: Yeah. Frank.

FRANK: Yeah. What? [a young guy comes around the corner]

PHOEBE: Oh, ok, um, I mean Frank senior.

MRS BUFFAY: He went out for groceries.

PHOEBE: Ok so will he be back soon?

MRS BUFFAY: Well he left four years ago so we're expecting him back any minute now.

PHOEBE: Alright, I'm, I'm gonna go. I'm sorry about the dog, everything. I'm sorry.

[she turns to leave, Frank follows]

FRANK: Hey lady. Hey wait up. How do you know my dad?

PHOEBE: Um well I don't really. Just genetically. He's kinda my dad too.

FRANK: Heavy.

PHOEBE: Yeah. So um, did he ever talk about me, Phoebe?

FRANK: No but he didn't really talk about anything.

PHOEBE: Oh.

FRANK: Except stilts.

PHOEBE: Stilts?

FRANK: Yeah, he loved stilts. One time I was upstairs, I was stealing cigarettes out of my mom's purse, and uh, all of a sudden I look over and there's my dad's head bobbing past the window. He just had this big smile on his face and he was waving 'cause he was always happiest when he was on his stilts.

PHOEBE: Wow.

FRANK: Yeah.

PHOEBE: I don't know what to do with that.

FRANK: Me neither. So you're like my big sister.

PHOEBE: Yeah.

FRANK: This is huge, you can buy me beer.

PHOEBE: I'm not gonna. But you know what's cool though? Ok, if you had a friend named Pete, then I could say, 'Oh yeah, I know Pete, he's friends with my brother.'

FRANK: I gotta friend named Mark.

PHOEBE: That'll work too.

FRANK: Cool, alright. So maybe, ya know, I could give you a call sometime, we could talk or somethin'.

PHOEBE: Yeah, that'd be ok.

FRANK: Alright.

PHOEBE: Ok, I'm in the book.

FRANK: Ok, yeah.

PHOEBE: Alright. So um, stilts huh?

FRANK: Yeah hey, you know if you want I can take you around back and show you where he hit his head on the rain gutter.

PHOEBE: Ok.

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Ross are sitting on the couch nervously.]

ROSS: Well we did it, we're here. We are standing our ground. How long does a cup of coffee take?

CHANDLER: Would you come on! Come on! [waitress brings their coffee] Thank you.

[They rush to put the cream and sugar in their cups and gulp down a few drinks]

CHANDLER: Ah, there we go.

ROSS: I think we proved our point.

CHANDLER: You burn your mouth?

ROSS: Cannot feel my tounge.

[They leave. As they're walking out, the bullies are walking in.]

CHANDLER: Bullies, big bullies.

LITTLE BULLY: Oh, look who's here, it's the weenies.

BIG BULLY: Did we not make ourselves clear the other day.

ROSS: Yes, and that's why we're here.

CHANDLER: Yes, we're standing out ground...apparently.

LITTLE BULLY: Let's do this alright.

ROSS: Woah, ho-ho, whad'ya got there, a weapon?

LITTLE BULLY: It's a nice watch, I don't wanna break it on your ribs.

CHANDLER: Alright, let's do this.

LITTLE BULLY: Alright.

[they all put up their fists and prepare to fight]

CHANDLER: Question. If I don't care about my watch, can I use it as a weapon?

ROSS: Whad'ya mean?

CHANDLER: Well, it's sharp, it's metal, I think I can do some, you know, serious damage with it.

BIG BULLY: No, you can't use your watch.

CHANDLER: Ok. [reaches in his pocket]

BIG BULLY: Or your keys.

CHANDLER: Ok.

LITTLE BULLY: Look, here's what we'll do. We'll put all keys and watches in the hat over there. Alright. [they all put their keys and watches in the hat and put it on a mail box] Alright, c'mon man, let's do this.

[they all jump in the street and prepare to fight]

ROSS: Before I forget, are we hitting faces?

BIG BULLY: Of course we're hitting faces, why wouldn't you hit faces?

ROSS: Well because I have to work on Monday, I have a big presentation.

LITTLE BULLY: Actually, you know, uh, I gotta show this apartment tomorrow and uh, you know, this no faces thing might not be a bad idea.

BIG BULLY: Ok, nothing from the neck up. [everyone gets ready for the fight] Or the waist down. Dana's ovulating.

LITTLE BULLY: Oh really, you guys tryin' again?

BIG BULLY: Yeah.

CHANDLER: Ok, so let me just get this straight. So we're uh, strictly talking about the middle?

BIG BULLY: C'MON!

ROSS: Hey, hey, woah, you want some of this, huh? You want a piece of this, huh? I'm standin here, huh.

CHANDLER: Hey, hey, those guys are takin our stuff! [some guy runs off with the hat]

ROSS: Hey.

BIG BULLY: Hey.

[they all run off after the guy]

[Scene: Central Perk. The four guys are returning after getting the hat back.]

ROSS: God, that was, that was amazing, that was incredible. You guys, you guys kicked butt.

LITTLE BULLY: Us, what about you guys? Man you really, bing, gave it to old Mr. Clean back there. He was a big guy.

ROSS: Yeah he was wasn't he.

CHANDLER: Yeah, I wouldn't know having missed everything.

BIG BULLY: Don't do that to yourself. Any one of us could have tripped over that little girls jump-rope.

ROSS: So, listen guys, are we uh, are we ok here?

LITTLE BULLY: We're ok.

ROSS: Alright.

CHANDLER: Ok so, can I have my hat back?

LITTLE BULLY: No.

CHANDLER: Huh. [reaches over and grabs the hat and bolts for the door but slips and falls behind the couch]

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: The 50's theme cafe. Monica is working the grill, the rest are at a table.]

RACHEL: Look at her.

CHANDLER: Hi Monica.

JOEY: He-he-he, how's it goin'?

PHOEBE: Hey nice boobs.

CHANDLER: Guys guys, check this out.

[Chandler puts a coin in the mini jukebox at the table. YMCA starts playing and Monica and the rest of the staff have to get on the counter and start singing along and dancing. After a couple of couruses, Chandler pulls out a handful of coins and drops them on the table.]

JOEY: Excellent.

END


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The One With the Two Parties

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Written by: Alexa Junge
Transcribed by: Josh Hodge



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[Scene: Moondance Diner. Ross, Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler are sitting at the counter, Monica is working. Monica is wearing her costume, including big fake breasts.]

MONICA: So, I'll get candles and my mom's lace tablecloth, and since it's Rachel's birthday, I mean, we want it to be special, I thought I'd poach a salmon.

ALL: Ohhh.

MONICA: What?

ROSS: Question. Why do we always have to have parties where you poach things?

MONICA: You wanna be in charge of the food committee?

ROSS: Question two. Why do we always have to have parties with committees?

JOEY: Really. Why can't we just get some pizzas and get some beers and have fun?

ROSS: Yeah.

PHOEBE: Yeah, I agree. Ya know, I think fancy parties are only fun if you're fancy on the inside and I'm just not sure we are.

MONICA: Alright. If you guys don't want it to be special, fine. You can throw any kind of party you want.

[Joey is staring at Monica's breasts]

MONICA: Joey they're not real. I start miles beneath the surface of these things, ok, they're fake. See [squeezes her breast] honk honk.

CHANDLER: Wow, it's, it's like porno for clowns.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Ross, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are planning Rache's birthday party.]

ROSS: I talked to Rachel's sisters, neither of them can come.

MONICA: Ok, um so, I still have to invite Dillon and Emma and Shannon Cooper.

JOEY: Woah, woah, woah, uh, no Shannon Cooper.

PHOEBE: Why not her?

JOEY: Cause she uh, she steals stuff.

CHANDLER: Or maybe she doesn't steal stuff and Joey just slept with her and never called her back.

MONICA: Joey that is horriable.

JOEY: Hey I liked her, alright. Maybe, maybe too much. I don't know I guess I just got scared.

PHOEBE: I'm sorry, I didn't know.

JOEY: I didn't think anyone'd buy that, ok.

[Rachel enters]

ROSS: Hi honey, how did it go?

RACHEL: Agh, it was the graduation from hell.

CHANDLER: Ya know, my cousin went to hell on a football scholarship.

RACHEL: Ya know, I mean this is supposed to be a joyous occasion. My sister's graduating from college, nobody thought she would. It's a true testament to what a girl from long island would do for a Celica.

MONICA: So what happened?

RACHEL: My parents happened. All they had to do was sit in the same stadium, smile proudly, and not talk about the divorce. But nooo, they got into a huge fight in the middle of the commencement address. Bishop Tutu actually had to stop and shush them. But you know what, you know what the good news is? I get to serve coffee for the next 8 hours.

PHOEBE: Ok, so I guess we don't invite her parents.

MONICA: Well, how bout just her mom?

CHANDLER: Why her mom?

MONICA: Cause I already invited her.

PHOEBE: Ooh, ooh, did you ask Stacy Roth?

JOEY: Oh no, can't invite her. She also steals.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Chandler, Joey, Monica, and Phoebe are setting up for the party.]

PHOEBE: Ok, here are the birthday candles. Where's the birthday cake?

MONICA: Ok, we're not having birthday cake, we're having birthday flan.

CHANDLER: Excuse me?

MONICA: It's a traditional Mexican custard dessert.

JOEY: Oh that's nice. Happy birthday Rachel, here's some goo.

[knock at the door]

MONICA: [answers the door] Dr. Greene. Oh my God it's Rachel's dad. What're you doing here?

MR. GREENE: What? The father can't drop by to see the daughter on her birthday?

MONICA: No no, the father can, but um, since I am the roommate I can tell you that she's not here and I'll pass along the message, ok. So bye-bye.

MR. GREENE: Ohhh, you're having a parteee.

MONICA: No, no, not a party. Just a surprise gathering of some people Rachel knows. Um, this is Phoebe and Chandler and Joey.

MR. GREENE: I'll never remember all of that. So uh, what's the deal? Rachel comes home, people pop out and yell stuff, is that it?

CHANDLER: This isn't your first surprise party, is it sir?

[knock at the door, Monica answers to see Mrs. Greene]

MRS. GREENE: Hi Monica.

[Monica slams the door back shut]

MONICA: Chinese menu guy. Forgot the menus.

CHANDLER: So, basically just a Chinese guy.

JOEY: Uh, hey, Dr. Greene, why don't you come with me, we'll put your jacket on Rachel's bed.

MR. GREENE: Alright, that sounds like a two person job. [they walk into Rachel's bedroom]

MRS. GREENE: Well, my goodness, what was that?

MONICA: Sandra, I am so sorry, I thought you were Rachel and we just weren't ready for you yet.

MRS. GREENE: You thought I was Rachel?

CHANDLER: Yes because uh, you look so young.

PHOEBE: And because you're both, you know, white women.

MRS. GREENE: Oh, I missed you kids. Well, should I put my coat in the bedroom?

CHANDLER: NO! No, I'll take that for ya.

MRS. GREENE: Oh well thank you. Such a gentleman. Thank you. [Chandler takes the hot pink coat and grimaces at it] Ahh, it all looks so nice, so festive, all the balloons... [Chandler, remembering that Joey and Mr. Greene are in the bedroom, throws her coat in a cupboard] The funniest thing happened to me on the way here. I was...[Joey peeks out]

PHOEBE: [cutting Mrs. Greene off] Ha-ha, that's great, ha-ha. I can't wait to hear the rest of it, ya know, but I really have to go to the bathroom so... Hey, come with me. Yeah, yeah, it'll be like we're gal pals, ya know, like at a restraunt. Oh, it'll be fun, c'mon. [they go in the bathroom]

MONICA: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

CHANDLER: Ok, think, what would Jack and Chrissy do?

JOEY: [peeks back out] Ok, now that your coat is safely in the bedr-, [sees that the coast is clear] oh, ok we can come back out in the living room.

MONICA: So uh, Joey and Chanlder, I, I think it's time that you take Dr. Greene over to your place.

CHANDLER: Uhh, yes, absdolutely, um. Why again?

MONICA: Because that's where the party is you goon. See this is just the staging area.

JOEY: Right this is staging.

CHANDLER: Yeah, this more than anything else, is the staging area.

JOEY: [as they're walking out, Dr. Greene questioningly gestures at the Happy Birthday sign over the door] This is clearly in the wrong apartment. [they all walk across the hall]

[Scene: Later on in the hallway between the apartments. Chandler is showing people to the parties.]

CHANDLER: Alright you guys are off to party number one [ushers 3 guys into Monica's apartment] and you, you are off to party number two [ushers four women into his apartment. Two guys try to follow and Chandler blocks them and shoos them off to Monica's apartment] Alright fellas, let's keep it movin', let' keep it movin.

MONICA: Chandler could you at least send some women to my party? [buzzer goes off] Alright that's Ross.

CHANDLER: Ok, they're coming, shhh. [Runs into Monica's apartment and grabs one last girl to take to his apartment]

RACHEL: Ohh, thank you for the wonderful dinner.

ROSS: Thanks for being born.

RACHEL: Ohh, thank you for my beautiul earrings, they're perfect. I love you.

ROSS: Oh, now you can exchange them if you want, ok.

RACHEL: Now I love you even more.

[they kiss and Ross backs her into her apartment and turns on the lights]

ALL: Surprise.

RACHEL: Oh my gosh, wow. Monica. Oh my god. Mom. This is so great.

MRS. GREENE: Happy birthday sweetie.

RACHEL: Wow you, you. I had no idea.

ROSS: Really?

RACHEL: No, I knew.

ROSS: All right.

MONICA: Ok, everybody, there's food and drinks on the table. Go across the hall.

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: What?

MONICA: Right now, Joey and Chandler's, go now.

RACHEL: Why.

MONICA: Just go.

[they walk across the hall]

ALL: Surprise.

MR. GREENE: Happy birthday sweetpea.

RACHEL: Daddy.

[Ad break. Time lapse. Still at party at Chandler and Joey's. Rachel is talking to Chandler and Ross.]

RACHEL: Both of them are here, both of them, both of them are here?

CHANDLER: Well, we could count again.

RACHEL: I can't believe this is happening.

ROSS: You know what, this is ridiculous, ok. This is your birthday, this is your party. I say we just put 'em all together and if they can't deal with it, who cares.

RACHEL: I do.

ROSS: That's who.

CHANDLER: Look, are you gonna be ok?

RACHEL: Well, I have to be, I don't really have a choice, I mean, you know, I could look at the bright side, I get two birthday parties and two birthday cakes.

CHANDLER: Well, actually just one birthday flan.

RACHEL: What?

CHANDLER: It's a traditional Mexican custard dessert...Look talk to Monica, she's on the food committee.

[Time lapse. Chandler runs out of the bathroom.]

CHANDLER: Joey, Joey. Hey, some girl just walked up to me and said, 'I want you Dennis,' and stuck her tounge down my throat. I love this party.

JOEY: Quick volleyball question.

CHANDLER: Volleyball.

JOEY: Yeah, we set up a court in your room. Uh, you didn't really like that grey lamp, did you?

CHANDLER: Joey, a woman just stuck her tounge down my throat, I'm not even listening to you.

GIRL'S VOICE: Dennis.

CHANDLER: Ok, that's me. [runs back]

RACHEL: Listen honey, can you keep dad occupied, I'm gonna go talk to mom for a while.

ROSS: Ok, do you have any ideas for any openers?

RACHEL: Uhh, let's just stay clear of 'I'm the guy that's doing you daughter' and you should be ok.

[Back in Monica's party]

MONICA: Ok people, I want you to take a piece of paper, here you go, and write down your most embarassing memory. Oh, and I do ask that when you're not using the markers, you put the caps back on them because they will dry out.

[Back in Chandler and Joey's party]

ROSS: Hi Dr. Greene. So, uh, how's everything in the uh, vascular surgery....game?

MR. GREENE: It's not a game Ross, a woman died on my table today.

ROSS: I'm sorry. See that's the good thing about my job. All the dinosaurs on my table are already dead.

[Back in Monica's party]

MONICA: Listen you guys, I don't mean to be a pain about this but, um, I've noticed that some of you are just placing them on. You wanna push the caps until you hear them click. [she demonstrates, Gunther starts to walk to the door] Gunther, where're you going?

GUNTHER: I um, was sorta thinking about maybe...

MONICA: No. No you can't go. No this is fun. Come on we're just getting started. Here, here's your marker.

PHOEBE: Listen if you wanna go, just go.

GUNTER: No, she'll yell at me again.

PHOEBE: Alright, I can get you out.

GUNTHER: What?

PHOEBE: Shh. In a minute, I'm gonna create a diversion. When I do, walk quickly to the door and don't look back.

[Back at Chandler and Joey's party]

MR. GREENE: I think I need a drink.

ROSS: Oh, here, I, I'll get it for ya. Whad'ya want?

MR. GREENE: Scotch.

ROSS: Scotch. Alright, I'll be back in 10 seconds with your scotch on the rocks in a glass.

MR. GREENE: Neat.

ROSS: Cool.

MR. GREENE: No no no, no no no, neat, as in no rocks.

ROSS: I know.

[Back at Monica's party]

MR. GREENE: Oh hello Ross, where have you been?

ROSS: Hi. Uh, I have been in the bathroom. Stay clear of the salmon mousse.

MRS. GREENE: Oh, scotch neat. Ya know, that's Rachel's father's drink.

ROSS: Oh, mine too. Isn't that neat, scotch neat. Would you excuse me? [walks out in the hallway, Mr. Greene is walking out of Chandler and Joey's apartment] Hey, hey, where you uh, sneakin off to mister?

MR. GREENE: I'm getting my cigarettes out of my jacket.

ROSS: No. no.

MR. GREENE: Whad'ya mean no?

ROSS: No, um, see 'cause that, that is, that is the staging area. If you go in there, it'll ruin the whole illusion of the party. Yeah, I think you take your scotch back in there and I will get your cigarettes for you sir.

MR. GREENE: Get my glasses too.

ROSS: All righty roo. [closes the door] What a great moment to say that for the first time. [goes to get the cigarettes and glasses]

MONICA: Ok, the first person's most embarassing memory is, 'Monica, your party sucks.' Very funny.

PHOEBE: Oh no, ooh, ooh, did somebody forget to use a coaster?

MONICA: What? [she runs over to where Phoebe is, Phoebe signals for Gunther to go] I don't see anything.

PHOEBE: Great, I'm seeing water rings again.

MRS. GELLER: Ross, whose glasses are those?

ROSS: Mine.

MRS. GREENE: You wear bi-focals?

ROSS: Um-hmm. [puts them on] I have a condition, apparently, that I require two different sets of focals.

MRS. GREENE: Did you know my husband has glasses just like that?

RACHEL: Well those are very popular frames.

ROSS: Neil Sedaka wears them.

GUY: [to Phoebe] I hear you can get people out of here.

MRS. GREENE: Rachel, you didn't tell me your boyfriend smoked.

RACHEL: Yeah, like a chimney.

ROSS: Ohh, big smoker. [Packs the cigarettes and flings one on Mrs. Greene in the process. Finally gets one in his mouth and it look really out of place] Big big smoker. In fact I'm gonna go ou into the hallway and fire up this bad boy. [as he walks into the hall, he comes face to face with Mr. Greene]

MR. GREENE: Are you wearing my glasses?

ROSS: Yes. [pulls them off and hands them to Mr. Greene] I was just warming up the earpieces for you.

MR. GREENE: Thank you. Is that one of my cigarettes?

ROSS: [pulls the cigarette off his upper lip and hands it to Mr. Greene] Yeah, yes it is, I was just moistening the tip.

[Back in Monica's party. Phoebe is talking to a guy and two girls at the party.]

PHOEBE: Ok, ok, she's taking the trash out so I can get you out of here but it has to be now, she'll be back any minute.

GIRL 1: What about my friend Victor?

PHOEBE: No, only the three of you, any more than that and she'll get suspicious.

GIRL 1: Alright, let me just get my coat.

PHOEBE: There isn't time. You must leave everything. They'll take care of you next door.

GIRL 1: Is it true they have beer?

PHOEBE: Everything you've heard is true.

[Back at Chandler and Joey's party. Everyone is dancing and having fun.]

MONICA: Could you guys please try to keep it down, we're trying to start a Boggle tournament.

[Chandler and Joey stop dancing and laugh at her]

MONICA: You, and you, you're supposed to be at my party. And Gunther! What are you doing here?

GUNTHER: Um [gestures to dance floor]

PHOEBE: [enters with the three people she got out] Ok, welcome to the fu-oh.

MONICA: Phoebe.

PHOEBE: Alright, I'm sorry but these people needed me. They work hard all week, it's Saturday night, they deserve to have a little fun. Go.

MONICA: Ya know, my party is fun. I mean, maybe it's a little quieter, less obvious sorta fun but, you know, if people would just give it a chance... [volleyball hits her in the head from behind]

[Back at Monica's party]

RACHEL: You want me to see a therapist?

MRS. GREENE: Sweetheart, you obviously have a problem. You've chosen a boyfriend exactly like your father.

RACHEL: Ok mom, you know what, fine, I'll make an appointment ok, but you know what, right now, I gotta go, I gotta go do a thing.

[Chandler and Joey's party]

MR. GREENE: Did you know your mother spent $1200 dollars on bansai trees. I felt like Gulliver around that place.

RACHEL: Daddy, daddy, you know what, I really wanna hear more about this, I really do, but I just have, I just have to do a, some stuff.

[Monica's party]

MRS. GREENE: You work and you work and you work at a marriage but all he cares about is his stupid boat.

[Chandler and Joey's party]

MR. GREENE: You work and you work and you work on a boat...

MRS. GREENE: He always ridiculed my pottery classs...

MR. GREENE: ...and you sand it and you varnish it...

MRS. GREENE: ...but when all is said and done, he still drinks out of the mugs.

MR. GREENE: ...and her yoga and her Bridges of Madison County...

MRS. GREENE: ...the scotch and the cigarettes...

MR. GREENE: ...and the bansai's and the chiuaua...

MRS. GREENE: ...I may have only been in therapy for three weeks now dear but...

MR. GREENE: ...what the hell does she want with half a boat...

[Scene: The hallway after the party. Rachel is sitting there.]

CHANDLER: [running out of his apartment after a girl] Ok, ok, you can be shirts and I'll be skins. I'll be skins. [sits down beside Rachel] Hey, how you holdin' up there, tiger? Oh, sorry, when my parents were getting divorced I got a lot of tigers. Got a lot of champs, chiefs, sports, I even got a governor.

RACHEL: This is it, isn't it? I mean, this is what my life is gonna be like. My mom there, my dad there. Thanksgiving, Christmas. She gets the house, he's in some condo my sister's gonna decorate with wicker. Oh, Chandler how did you get through this?

CHANDLER: Well, I relied on a carefully regimented program of denial and, and wetting the bed.

RACHEL: Ya know, I just, so weird. I mean I was in there just listening to them bitch about each other and all I kept thinking about was the fourth of July.

CHANDLER: Becasue it reminded you of the way our forefathers used to bitch at each other?

RACHEL: It's just this thing. Every year we would go out on my dad's boat and watch the fireworks. Mom always hated it because the ocean air made her hair all big. My sister Jill would be throwing up over the side and my dad would be upset becasue nobody was helping and then when we did help he would scream at us for doing it wrong. But then when the fireworks started, everybody just shut up, you know, and it'd get really cold, and we would all just sort of smush under this one blanket. It never occured to anybody to bring another one. And now it's just...

CHANDLER: I, I know. [Hugs her. Ross walks out and Chandler puts her in his arms.]

[Scene: Monica's party. She is seeing off the last of the guests.]

MONICA: Ok, thanks for coming, I hope you guys had fun.

MRS. GREENE: Alright, Monica dear, I'm gonna hit the road. Now I've left my 10 verbs on the table. And you be sure and send me that finished poem.

MONICA: Ok will do. So glad you came.

MRS. GREENE: I think I saw Rachel out in the hall.

MONICA: Ok, let me go check. Your mom want's to say goodbye.

RACHEL: Oh ok.

MRS. GREENE: Happy birthday sweetie.

RACHEL: Ok.

[Mr. Greene opens the door to Chandler and Joeys apartment. Ross sees him and runs to the door forcing him back in then holds onto the door knob.]

JOEY: Ahh, you drive safe.

MRS. GREENE: Ross, what're you doing.

ROSS: I'm getting ready for the water skiing. [Mr. Greene opens the door which pulls Ross in] How are you doing?

CHANDLER: Well, uh, Dr. Greene, where are you going?

MR. GREENE: To get my coat.

GUYS: No no no.

MR. GREENE:Alright, alright, I can get my own coat.

[the guys form a wall between Mrs Geller and Mr Geller and dance across the hall as he walks across]

CHANDLER: Sorry, we're on a major flan high.

PHOEBE: Oh no, you're not supposed to be here. This is the staging area, you should, it's all wrong, you should leave, ya know, get out. [opens the door, the guys are right there] Or perhaps you'd like a creme d'menthe.

MR. GREENE: I have to be heading to my chateau, thank you.

PHOEBE: Oh all right, then I guess we're going back into the hallway.

JOEY: Thanks for coming Mrs. Greene. [grabs her and kisses her to distract her. She goes limp in his arms. Mr. Greene leaves.] Well, ok, you take care.

MRS. GREENE: Oh, you kids [she caresses his face and chest] Well, this is the best party I've been to in years.

MONICA: Thank you.

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Close up of the flan on the table with birthday candles.]

MONICA: Ok everybody, it's time for flan.

CHANDLER: Yup, get ready for the gelatenous fun.

JOEY: Kinda looks like that stuff you get when you get a bad infection.

MONICA: Ok, that's enough.

PHOEBE: Ok Rachel, make a special flan wish.

RACHEL: Ok, I've got one. [blows out the candles. Somebody calls out 'heads up' and the volleyball lands in the flan] Wow, those things almost never come true.

END


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The One With the Chicken Pox

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Written by: Brown Mandell
Transcribed by: Josh Hodge



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[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel, Monica, Joey, and Chandler are there.]

[Rachel brings a muffin to Chandler and Monica who are sitting on the couch.]

RACHEL: Ok, Chandler, Mon, there's only one bananna nut muffin left.

[Rachel holds the tray between them. Chandler grabs the muffin before Monica can.]

MONICA: Oh, I ordered mine first.

CHANDLER: Yeah, but I'm, I'm so much faster...

MONICA: Give it to me.

CHANDLER: No.

MONICA: Give it to me.

CHANDLER: Ok, you can have it. [He licks it and offers it to her.]

MONICA: [She grabs the coffee cup on the table and licks the rim.] There you go, enjoy your coffee.

CHANDLER: That was there when I got here. [Takes a bite of his muffin.]

PHOEBE: [enters] Hey you guys, you will never guess who's coming to New York.

MONICA: [Chandler tries to come back with a smart-ass remark but can't swallow the muffin.] Quick, Phoebe, tell us before he can swallow.

PHOEBE: Oh ok, Ryan, that guy I went out with, who's in the Navy.

[Chandler is visibly upset]

RACHEL: You went out with a guy in the Navy?

PHOEBE: Yeah, I met him when I was playing guitar in Washington Square Park. Ryan threw in salt water taffy 'cause he didn't have any change.

JOEY: Hey, is that when you wrote salt water taffy man?

PHOEBE: No. No, he is my submaring guy. He resurfaces like every couple years and we have the most amazing three days together. Only this time he's coming for two weeks. Two whole weeks, which means yay.

RACHEL: So wait, this guy goes down for like two years at a time?

[Once again, Chandler has a bite in his mouth and can't come back.]

MONICA: That'll teach you to lick my muffin.

ROSS: [enters] Hiii.

JOEY: Oh no, what happened?

ROSS: Well, I just spoke to Carol. Ben's got the chicken pox.

ALL: Oh no.

ROSS: Yeah, so if you haven't already had it, chances are you're gonna get it.

RACHEL: Well I've had it.

JOEY: Yeah, I've had it.

MONICA: Had it.

CHANDLER: Had it.

PHOEBE: Well, I've never had it, I feel so left out. [Sees a red bump on her arm.] Oh look!

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Richard are in her bedroom.]

MONICA: Honey, you made the bed again. I told you, you don't have to do that. This isn't camp.

RICHARD: Ooh, then I guess the panty raid last night was totally uncalled for. Ok, I am going to take a shower and today I will be singing Jim Crochee's Leroy Brown.

[He walks out of the bedroom and Monica starts to remake the bed.]

RICHARD: Monica... [He re-enters the bedroom and Monica jumps on the bed, trying to cover it.] Hey Mon, I have a question. Is Leroy the baddest man in the whole damn town or the fattest man in the whole damn town?

MONICA: Baddest. Otherwise the song would be Fat Fat Leroy Brown.

RICHARD: What're you doing?

MONICA: Just waiting for you sweetie.

RICHARD: Are you remaking the bed?

MONICA: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You know what, the way you did it was just fine.

RICHARD: Then, you're redoing it because...

MONICA: If I tell you, you'll think I'm crazy.

RICHARD: You're pretty much running that risk either way.

MONICA: Ok, you see, the tag shouldn't be at the top left corner, it should be at the bottom right corner.

RICHARD: Oh, well that's not so crazy.

MONICA: I'm just easing you in.

RICHARD: Oh, alright.

MONICA: Alright, you see these little flower blossoms? They should be facing up, not down, because, well, the head of the bed is where the sun would be. You don't love me any more do you.

RICHARD: Actually, if it's possible, I love you more.

MONICA: Really? Wow, well then come on, I wanna show you how to fold the toilet paper into a point.

[Scene: Chandler's office. Joey is there.]

CHANDLER: Hey, look Joey, I'm just saying if you need something to hold you over, I can get you a job right here as an entry level processor.

JOEY: But don't you need experience for a job like that?

CHANDLER: It's not that hard to learn. And as for people realizing you have no idea what you're doing, hey, you're an actor. Act like a processor, people will think you're a processor.

SCOTT: [enters] Hey Chandler, here's this morning's projections.

CHANDLER: Hey thanks. Scott Alexander, Joey Tribbianni. Joey is a uh, fellow processor.

SCOTT: No kidding.

JOEY: Oh yeah yeah. I process. People want the processing, I'm the one they call.

SCOTT: Where do you work?

JOEY: Uhh, well, right now I'm in between things. You know how it is. One day you're processing, the next day you're not so much... processing any more.

CHANDLER: I was just telling Joey about the opening in Fleischman's group.

SCOTT: Fleischman's group. Whatever you do, don't touch his sandwiches. Ha-ha-ha...

JOEY: Ha-ha. [Scott leaves] Are all you processors dorks?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Rachel are doing Phoebe's makeup.]

RACHEL: Oh, this lipstick looks just great on you.

MONICA: You look fabulous honey, you really do.

PHOEBE: Yeah? Are you sure, really. [She picks up a mirror and sees the white splotches all over her face.]

RACHEL: You see, you look beautiful. For god sakes, dim the lights.

PHOEBE: I, I, I'm hideous.

MONICA: It's gonna be ok. Ryan's been under water. He's just gonna be so glad that you don't have barnicles on your butt.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ryan is walks up to the door and knocks.]

PHOEBE: Come in.

RYAN: Hey baby, I'm back... [Phoebe is sitting by the window in a veil.]

PHOEBE: Hey Ryan, what's up?

RYAN: What's goin' on?

PHOEBE: Well, no no, you have to stay back. I, I have the pox.

RYAN: Chicken or small?

PHOEBE: Chicken. Which is so ironic considering I'm a vegetarian.

RYAN: Why aren't you at home in bed?

PHOEBE: 'Cause my, my grandmother's never had chicken pox. Please, please tell me you have, 'cause oh my God, I forgot how cute you are.

RYAN: I'm sorry, I never had 'em.

PHOEBE: Ohh, ohh.

RYAN: If I had one wish, it would be to build a time machine, go back to when I was 7, when Jimmy Hauser had the chicken pox. I would grab that kid and rub him all over my face.

PHOEBE: Yeah, or you know, you could just wish that I didn't have them now.

RYAN: Can I please see your face?

PHOEBE: Nope. You don't want to see a face covered with pox.

RYAN: Your face could be covered with lochs, I wouldn't care.

PHOEBE: And you hate fish. Oh. That's so sweet, alright. Ok, alright, you can see. This is me... [she unveils herself right as a huge lightning bolt crashes outside. Ryan screams in terror.] Oh, I am scary.

RYAN: Sorry, the lightning. Lightning was an unfortunate incidence. You look lovely, lovely.

PHOEBE: I hate this. 'Cause I tell you, I had the most amazing two weeks planned for us, and almost everything I had in mind, we had to be a lot closer than this.

RYAN: Phoebe, I have spent the last eight months in a steel tube with men, thinking about this moment. I am not gonna let a bunch of itchy spots stand between us. [He walks to her and kisses her.]

PHOEBE: Ok, this is the most romantic disease I've ever had.

[Scene: Chandler's office. Joey enters.]

JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: Hey, how's the first day goin'?

JOEY: Pretty good. It's like you said. It's mostly just putting numbers from one column into another column.

CHANDLER: Well there you go.

JOEY: Hey and everbody is so nice. I just had a good talk with that lady with the red hair, Jeannie.

CHANDLER: Jeannie, the head of east coast operations Jeannie?

JOEY: Yeah, turns out our kids go to the same school. Small world huh?

CHANDLER: Weird world. Your kids?

JOEY: I figure my character has kids.

CHANDLER: Ya know there isn't a part of that sentence I don't need explained.

JOEY: Well, see when you're acting you need to think about stuff like that. My character, Joseph the processor guy, has two little girls, Ashley and Brittany. Ashley copies everything Brittany does.

CHANDLER: Well, invisible kids can be that way sometimes.

JOEY: Yeah. Joseph and his wife, Karen, are thinking of having a third kid... Ya know what? Just did.

CHANDLER: Really? Wow. That's some pretty powerful imaginary sperm you must have there.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe and Ryan are playing Monopoly.]

RYAN: You know what makes the itching even worse?

PHOEBE: That you don't stop talking about it.

RYAN: Fine.

PHOEBE: Let's just play, ok. Good, ok. [She picks up the dice.] Here we go, double sixes, here we go... [She starts to rub the dice all over herself.] Here we go, come to mama, just getting ready to roll the dice...

RYAN: What're you doing? Are you scratching?

PHOEBE: No. This is what I do for luck, ok.

RYAN: You're scratching. Give me the dice.

PHOEBE: No.

RYAN: Give me the dice.

PHOEBE: No. Here. [Throws them on the table.] There. Ooh, double sixes.

RYAN: We can't scratch. You know we can't, we'll scar.

PHOEBE: Uhh, I can't stop thinking about it. It's just so hard. I just wanna grab all these houses and rub 'em all over my body. [Grabs a handful of the houses.]

RYAN: No.

PHOEBE: Give it.

RYAN: No.

PHOEBE: Yeah, come on. You know you want it, you know you want it too, come on. Let's just be bad, it'll feel so good. [She starts scratching him.]

RYAN: Oh God help me.

PHOEBE: Now do me, do my back. Oh come on, harder.

[They get back to back and start rubbing against each other. Ross and Rachel enter.]

RACHEL: Oh, stop that, stop that right now.

ROSS: You know, I might have expected this of you Phoebe, but Ryan, you're a military man.

[Scene: Chandler's office building. Joey and Jeannie are talking.]

JOEY: You and Milton have to join us on the boat. Karen'll pack a lunch, you'll bring the kids, we'll make a day of it.

JEANNIE: Oh, that sounds lovely. We're gonna have to set that up. Oh, I better get back. Hope the baby feels better.

JOEY: Oh, thanks, thanks. Bye bye Jeannie.

JEANNIE: Bye bye Joey.

JOEY: What a phony.

CHANDLER: Well, I'm sure you'll teach her a lesson when she steps off the dock onto nothing. Hey Mr. Douglas.

JOEY: Sir.

MR. DOUGLAS: Uh, listen Bing, I received your memo. So, we're not gonna receive the systems report until next Friday?

CHANDLER: Well the people in my group wanna spend the holiday weekend with their families.

MR. DOUGLAS: I have a family, I'm gonna be here.

JOEY: Yeah Bing, what's that about?

CHANDLER: It's about cutting my people a little slack, ya know, for morale. Look, if you wanna see some rough numbers, I can get them to you by Wednesday.

MR. DOUGLAS: Rough numbers?

JOEY: This company was not built on rough numbers. Am I right Mr. Douglas.

MR. DOUGLAS: Have the final numbers on my desk by Tuesday.

CHANDLER: Uh, if you say so sir.

JOEY: Joseph's good, isn't he?

CHANDLER: Well, I'm going to kill you.

JOEY: Hey, hey, I just figure Joseph's the kinda guy that likes to mix it up. Ya know, get in there, ruffle some feathers.

CHANDLER: Why?

JOEY: Look, I'm sorry but that's what Joseph does, ok. If you try to pull somethin', he'll call you on it. 'What're you tryin' to pull,' he'll say.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica enters her bedroom with a roll of duct tape. Richard is sitting on the bed.]

RICHARD: Ooh, duct tape. Was I supposed to bring something too?

MONICA: This is for the scratchy twins out there. I taped oven mits to their hands.

RICHARD: You're strict.

MONICA: It's for their own good.

RICHARD: You know, I like the way you have efficiently folded this tab under. See in a tape emergency you could shave valuable seconds off your time.

MONICA: Exactly. Oh, I love that I can be totally neurotic around you now. Tell me the truth. Don't you like it better now that everything on your desk is perpendicular?

RICHARD: If it's not a right angle, it is a wrong angle.

MONICA: Very good.

RICHARD: Thank you.

MONICA: You know what. Tomorrow I'm gonna do your clocks.

RICHARD: You're gonna do what to my clocks.

MONICA: I'm gonna set them to my time.

RICHARD: Well, I'm confused. I thought we shared time.

MONICA: No no. See, in my bedroom I set my clock six minutes fast. You wanna know why?

RICHARD: Because it's in a slightly different time zone than the kitchen.

MONICA: No forget it, I'm not gonna tell you now.

RICHARD: No come on. Come on tell me.

MONICA: No. See you don't understand.

RICHARD: Come on.

MONICA: No. You don't have any of these cute little obsessive things.

RICHARD: No that's not true. That is not true.

MONICA: Oh yeah.

RICHARD: Yeah.

MONICA: Alright, well tell me one of yours.

RICHARD: Ok. Ahh. One of my things is, I always separate my sweat socks from my dress socks.

MONICA: What if they get mixed up?

RICHARD: Boy I would just uh, I would freak out.

MONICA: You would not. I can't believe this. I hate this, you're too normal. I can't believe my boyfriend doesn't have a thing. My boyfriend doesn't have a thing.

RICHARD: See, if anyone overheard that, I didn't come off well.

[Scene: Chandler's office. Chandler is asleep in his chair holding a paper in one hand and a pen in the other. Joey walks in, waking up Chandler who covers by pretending to write on the paper.]

JOEY: Hey. Mr. Douglas is looking for you.

CHANDLER: Why? Wh- wh- why is Mr. Douglas looking for me?

JOEY: 'Cause he has a strong suspicion that you dropped the ball on the Lender project.

CHANDLER: Wha- wh- why, why, why does he suspect that?

JOEY: Becasue at first he thought it was Joseph. But after he asked Joseph about it, turns out it was you. Anyway, I just thought you should know.

CHANDLER: Alright, that's it. Look Joey, I'm sorry, I realize this is the role of a lifetime for ya, and if I could just fire Joseph, I would, but unfortunately that's not possible so I'm gonna have to let both of you go.

JOEY: What're you talking about, everybody loves Joseph.

CHANDLER: I don't, I hate Joseph, ok. I think he's a brown-nosing suck up.

JOEY: Oh yeah. Well you can't fire Joseph. You know why, 'cause he's not in your department.

CHANDLER: Alright, ok, alright. So I can't fire Joseph but uh, I can sleep with his wife.

JOEY: Karen.

CHANDLER: Yeah, Karen. I'm thinking about having an affair with her. Oh, you know what? I just did.

JOEY: Ahh. What the hell are you doing to me man.

CHANDLER: Oh well it's not me, it's my character, Chandy. Yeah the rogue processor who seduces his co-worker's wives for sport and then laughs about it the next day at the water cooler. In fact, I have her panties right there in my drawer.

JOEY: Really?

CHANDLER: No freakshow, she's fictional.

JOEY: Take it easy. If it means that much to you, I'll uh, I'll go find something else.

CHANDLER: Thank you.

JOEY: It's just that, I, I'm gonna miss Joseph. I liked him. His wife, she was hot. [Chadler pushes him out the door by the face.]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel and Ross are in the kitchen. Phoebe is sitting at the couch with oven mits on her hands.]

PHOEBE: Can I please take these off? I swear I won't scratch.

RACHEL: No sorry hon, Monica's orders.

RYAN: [Comes out of the bathroom, also with oven mits on his hands.] Well that wasn't easy.

ROSS: Ok, dinner's on.

RACHEL: And there's a peach cobbler warming in the oven so the plate's gonna be hot but that shouldn't be a problem for you.

ROSS: Alright you kids, bye now.

PHOEBE and RYAN: Bye. [waving]

ROSS: Oh look, a low budget puppet show.

PHOEBE: It's such a shame you can't see which finger I'm holding up.

[Ross and Rachel leave.]

RYAN: Wine?

PHOEBE: Please. [Ryan pulls the cork with his teeth and spits it into Phoebe's mits.]

RYAN: Oh, I spilled some.

PHOEBE: I got it. [Wipes it up with her mits.]

RYAN: [Puts his hands over Phoebe's ears.] I must tell you, you look beautiful tonight.

PHOEBE: What?

RYAN: Sorry. You look beautiful.

PHOEBE: Oh.

[They start to kiss. They try to get each other's shirts off but can't get the buttons undone.]

PHOEBE: You know what, that's it, that's it. [She rips off the mits, Ryan follows her lead.]

[They keep kissing and start scratching each other. Ross enters, takes one look, and goes right back out the door.]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Richard and Monica are in bed.]

RICHARD: Monica, wake up. Monica.

MONICA: What's up?

RICHARD: I thought of a thing.

MONICA: Yeah?

RICHARD: Yeah. I have to sleep, have to, on this side of the bed.

MONICA: No honey. You have to sleep on this side of the bed because I have to sleep on this side of the bed.

RICHARD: Or so I would have you believe.

MONICA: No. Big deal, so you have a side of the bed, everybody has a side of the bed.

RICHARD: Hey come on, you haven't heard my reason yet.

MONICA: Alright, go on.

RICHARD: Ok, I have to sleep on the west side because I grew up in California and otherwise the ocean would be on the wrong side.

MONICA: Oh my God, you're a freak.

RICHARD: Yeah. How 'bout that.

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe, Rachel, Ross, and Ryan are there. Ryan is in uniform, getting ready to leave.]

RACHEL: So uh, Ryan, were you shipping off to?

RYAN: I really can't say.

ROSS: So do you have like any nuclear weapons on board?

RYAN: I can't say.

RACHEL: Well do you get to look through one of those like, those periscope thingys.

RYAN: I'm sorry, but I can't say.

ROSS: Wow, it, it's neat learning about submarines.

RYAN: I better get out of here, I'm gonna miss my flight.

PHOEBE: Ok, I'll walk you out.

ROSS: Bye Ryan.

RYAN: Pleasure.

RACHEL: It was nice to meet you.

RYAN: Take care.

[Phoebe and Ryan walk outside.]

RACHEL: So do you uh, think we can get you one of those uh, uniform things?

ROSS: You like that do ya?

RACHEL: Oh yeah.

ROSS: I'll make some calls. [Runs off.]

RACHEL: Ok.

[Outside with Phoebe and Ryan.]

RYAN: Can you believe how we spent our two weeks together?

PHOEBE: I know. We didn't do any of the romantic things I had planned, like having a picnic at Central Park and ya know, coffee at Central Perk. Oh I just got that. [They kiss.]

RYAN: Taxi.

PHOEBE: Bye you. [Ryan's cab drives off. As Phoebe is going back in, she sees the Central Perk sign in the window and laughs.]

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is closing. Ross walks in in a uniform.]

RACHEL: Oh I'm sorry, we're clo-... Hey sailor.

ROSS: Is this what you had in mind?

RACHEL: I'll say.

[Ross picks her up.]

ROSS: I'm shipping out tomorrow.

RACHEL: Well then uh, we better make this night count. [He starts to carry her out.] Oh wait, I forgot to turn off the cappucino machine. [He carries her over to turn it off.] Anchors away. Oh no no, my purse, my purse, my purse, my purse, my purse, my pu rse. [He carries her to the counter to pick up her purse.] Oh, you know what. I forgot to turn off the bathroom light.

ROSS: Alright you know, why don't I just meet you upstairs. [Drops her on the couch and walks out holding his lower back.]

END


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The One With Barry and Mindy's Wedding

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Story by: Ira Ungerleider
Teleplay by: Brown Mandell
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen


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[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there as Joey enters]

RACHEL: Hey Joey, how'd the audition go?

JOEY: Incredible! I met the director this time and you'll never believe who it was.

ALL: Who?

JOEY: All right. I'll give you one hint. Warren Beatty.

ALL: Wow!

JOEY: Yeah, there's just one thing that might be kind've a problem. See, I, uh, had to kiss this guy.

CHANDLER: 'Cause he was just so darn cute.

JOEY: No, as part of the audition. See, I'm up for this part of this guy, who the main guy kisses.

ROSS: Well, hey. You're an actor, I say you just suck it up and do it. (Rachel looks at him in disbelief) Or you just do it.

JOEY: I did do it, I'm a professional.

MONICA: Then what's the problem?

JOEY: See after the scene, Mr. Beatty comes up to me and says 'good actor, bad kisser'. Can you believe that, me not a good kisser, that's like, like Mother Theresa, not a good mother. 

PHOEBE: Well, come on, who cares what that guy thinks. What does Warren Beatty know about kissing (Chandler and Monica, give her a look that says 'think about it') Ooh.

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: continued from earlier]

CHANDLER: Hey, what did your agent say?

JOEY: Yep, this kiss thing is defiantly a problem, Mr. Beatty wants to see it again on Monday. Man, I gotta figure out what I'm doing wrong. Oh, okay, one of you girls come over here and kiss me.

MONICA: What, forget it!

RACHEL: Yeah, right.

JOEY: Come on, I need your help here.

PHOEBE: All right. I'll do it, I kissed him before I can do it again.

JOEY: You see this, this is a friend.

PHOEBE: Uh-huh, let's go. (they move in to kiss) Oh, wait I have gum. Okay. (they kiss rather passionately) Good, very good, firm but tender. I'd recommend you to a friend.

JOEY: Then I don't know what it is. What's the problem?

MONICA: Joey, you know, maybe your just not used to kissing men, maybe you just tensed up a little, maybe that's what you need to work on.

JOEY: Yeah, that makes sense. (looks at Ross)

ROSS: Over my dead body! (Joey looks at Chandler)

CHANDLER: And I'll be using his dead body as a shield.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Monica, and Richard are there]

ROSS: (entering from Rachel's bedroom) Come on out, honey! I'm telling you look good! (turns around, and under his breath, to the rest of the guys) Tell her she looks good, tell her she looks good.

(Rachel enters in this hideous pink bride's maid dress, with a huge silver bow on her chest, and a big, huge skirt, kinda like the one's women wore in the 1800s, Monica and Richard both stare in shock)

PHOEBE: (laughing) Oh my God, you look so good!

RACHEL: I can not believe I have to walk down the aisle in front of 200 people looking like something you drink when your nauseous.

ROSS: So don't, I don't see why we have to go to this thing anyway, it's your ex-fiancee's wedding.

RACHEL: Because I promised Mindy I would.

MONICA: Yeah, well you promised Barry, you'd marry him. (Rachel glares at her, and she retreats to safety between Richard's legs)

RACHEL: Look you guys, I have to go, I'm the Maid-of-Honor. And besides you know what I just need to be in a room again with these people and feel good about myself.

(Chandler enters, sees Rachel in the dress and starts laughing)

PHOEBE: Ooh-oh! Someone's wearing the same clothes they had on last night. Someone get a little action?

CHANDLER: I may have.

MONICA: Woo-hoo, stuud!

ROSS: What's she look like?

CHANDLER: Well, we haven't exactly met, we just stayed up all night talking on the internet.

MONICA: Woo-hoo, geeek!

CHANDLER: I like this girl, okay, I seriously like this girl, you now how sometimes I tend get a little defended and quipy...

ROSS: Get out!

RACHEL: Nooo!

MONICA: Please!

CHANDLER: Well she totally called me on it, okay. She said, 'cut it out, get real', and I did.

RACHEL: Wow! What's that like?

CHANDLER: It's like this, me, no jokes.

PHOEBE: All right, stop it, you're freaking me out.

RICHARD: Oh, yeah, I don't like you this way. All right, I'll see you guys later.

ALL: Bye, Richard.

MONICA: Bye sweetie, (kisses him) I love you.

RICHARD: I love you, too.

(Monica stares longingly at the door, after Richard leaves)

PHOEBE: I think my boyfriend ever so dreamy, I wonder what our wedding's gonna be like.

MONICA: What are you talking about? What wedding?

PHOEBE: Come on, like you never talk that.

MONICA: Nooo! Never! I mean, we're living in the moment. God, it is so nice for once to not have to get all hung up on 'Where is this going?'

RACHEL: Afraid to ask him?

MONICA: Could not be more terrified.

CHANDLER: Well, I think you should seriously consider the marriage thing, give Rachel another chance to dress up like Princess Bubble Yum.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Richard and Monica are playing with Ben.]

MONICA: (holding up a blanket) Where's Benny? (drops the blanket) There he is! (does it again) Where's Benny, there he is.

RICHARD: Awww! You know that's probably why babies learn to talk, so they can tell grown ups to cut it out.

MONICA: Hey, you know I got a question for ya. Just a little thing, no pressure. 

RICHARD: Okay.

MONICA: Did you ever, uh, like, think about the future?

RICHARD: Sure I do.

MONICA: Yeah, am I in it?

RICHARD: Honey, you are in it.

MONICA: Oh God, you are about to get sooo lucky.

RICHARD: Oh, yeah!

MONICA: Keep talkin'.

RICHARD: Well, uh, sometimes I think about selling my practice, we could move to France, make French toast.

MONICA: Okay, so, uh, we're in France, we're making the toast. Do you see a little bassinet in the corner?

RICHARD: Like a hound?

MONICA: Not a basset, a bassinet.

RICHARD: You really need the bassinet?

MONICA: Well, I just think the baby would keep falling off the dog. Do you, uh, do you , do you not see kids in our future.

RICHARD: Oh, hey. I love children, I have children. I just don't want to be 70 when our kids go off to college, and our lives can finally start.

MONICA: Uh-huh.

RICHARD: Look I want you, now.

MONICA: That's Great. You know we don't need to talk about this now. Really, I mean this is, is so way, way, way, in the future, I'm talkin' hovercrafts and apes taking over the planet.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are there, Chandler is talking to his new friend on the internet.]

JOEY: Come on, Chandler, I want this part soo much. (Chandler ignores him) Just one kiss, I won't tell anyone.

CHANDLER: Joey, no means no!

[Rachel, in her bridesmaid dress, complete with hat, which makes her look like Little Bo Peep, and Ross enter]

RACHEL: Hey!

CHANDLER: I'm sorry we, we don't have your sheep.

JOEY: Aww, Rach, I think you look cute (kisses her on the cheek, then looks at Ross) And you, uh, you, you I could eat with a spoon (goes to kiss him).

ROSS: Get away from me I said no!

MONICA: (entering) Richard buzzed. He's waiting downstairs.

JOEY: Oh, Richard's here. I should run down say bye to him (runs out)

ALL: Bye.

PHOEBE: Bye, good luck.

(Rachel, Ross, and Monica exit)

PHOEBE: So how's your date with your cyberchick going. Ooh, hey, what is all that (points at the computer screen).

CHANDLER: Oh, it's a website, it's the, uh, the Guggenheim (sp?, I'm not an art guy) museum. See, she likes art, and I like funny words.

PHOEBE: What does she mean by HH?

CHANDLER: (shyly) It means we're holding hands.

PHOEBE: Are you the cutest?

CHANDLER: I'm afraid I might just be.

PHOEBE: You know, what I think is so great that you are totally into this person and yet for all you know she could be like 90 years old, or have two heads, or. It could be a guy.

CHANDLER: Okay, it's not a guy, all right, I know her.

PHOEBE: It could be like a big giant guy.

JOEY: (entering) Man, I got this close to him (holds up his fingers) and Monica kneed me in the back. What's going on?

PHOEBE: We were just wondering if Chandler's girlfriend is a girl.

JOEY: Oh, well. Just ask her how long she's gonna live. Women live longer than men.

CHANDLER: How do you not fall down more?

PHOEBE: Okay, ask her 'What is her current method of birth control?'

CHANDLER: All right. (reading her answer) "My husband is sleeping with his secretary." She's married! 

PHOEBE: Well at least we know she's a woman.

CHANDLER: I can't believe she's married.

JOEY: Aw, man I'm sorry (starts rubbing Chandler's shoulder). This must be very tough for ya, huh (and starts comfroting him looking for a kiss).

[Scene: Barry and Mindy's wedding, Monica and Richard are standing in the lobby]

MONICA: So, I read this article in the paper the other day that says you're not supposed to throw rice at weddings, because when pigeons eat rice it kills them.

RICHARD: Oh, that's why you never see pigeons at sushi bars.(they both start laughing at Richard's poor joke) See, we're having fun.

MONICA: Oh, absolutely. Yeah, you know I'm not even thinking about that thing that we're not supposed to think about.

RICHARD: Neither am I.

[Scene: later the bridesmaids and ushers are getting ready to start, Ross is looking for Rachel]

ROSS: Hey, there. 

RACHEL: Hi.

ROSS: Are you all right?

RACHEL: Yeah, when I was in the bathroom I saw the window that I crawled out of at my wedding, and God, I just started thinking that I shouldn't be here, you know I shouldn't, people are going to be looking at me and judging me and, and thinking about the last time.

ROSS: Sweetie, it's be gonna okay, all right. It's a wedding, generally people focus on the bride.

RACHEL: God I know, you're right.

(Annoying wedding planner enters)

WEDDING PLANNER: All rightie, everybody look at me. Good. All right, its time. Bridesmaids and ushers let's see two lines, thank you.

RACHEL: Okay, I'll see you after the thing.

ROSS: Okay, good luck (kisses her and leaves)

RACHEL: Thank you, Okay, Okay. 

[Starts to walk down the aisle, unfortunately she doesn't realize that her dress is bunched up in her underwear and her butt is showing.]

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: after the wedding, Ross and Rachel are in the lobby]

RACHEL: Why the hell didn't you tell me!

ROSS: I'm sorry. What was I supposed to do stand up and shout 'Hey, Rachel, your butt is showing!'

RACHEL: Oh my God this is sooo humiliating. I think the only thing that tops that was, was, was when I was in the eight grade and I had to sing the Copa Cabana in front of the entire school. I think I got about two lines into it before I ran and freaked out. Oh my God, my entire life is flashing before my eyes.

ROSS: Rach, hey look, I remember that, it wasn't so bad.

RACHEL: Oh Ross, would you stop, you got me, I'm dating you.

MR. WINEBURG: Rachel!

RACHEL: Oh hi, Mr. Wineburg, hi Mrs. Wineburg.

MR. WINEBURG: It's so wonderful to see you again, my dear, in fact I hardly expected to see so much.

MRS. WINEBURG: You told me you didn't see anything.

MR. WINEBURG: I tell ya a lot things!

MRS. WINEBURG: Well it's wonderful to have you up and about, again, dear.

MR. WINEBURG: Stay well.

RACHEL: Okay, now that is the third time someone has said something like that to me today.

MINDY: (entering) Rach! Rach!

RACHEL: Oh, hi!

MINDY: Oh my God, I'm married!

RACHEL: I know.

MINDY: I'm Mrs. Dr. Barry Hunter hyphen Farber.

RACHEL: Oh honey, I'm so proud of you, Min.

BARRY: (entering) Min. Oh Rach, you're still here, at our wedding, they were packing up the chopped liver about now.

RACHEL: Yeah, I love that story. Um, I got a question for you guys. Why do people keep is saying that is good to see me up and about?

MINDY: Well uh, after you ran out on your wedding, Barry's parents told people that you were sort of....insane.

RACHEL: Insane!

MINDY: ...from the syphilis.

RACHEL: What?!

BARRY: Yeah, what are they gonna say you didn't love me anymore. Come on.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey are there, Joey is on the phone.]

JOEY: Angela? Joey Tribiani. Listen, what are ya doing tonight. I know your seeing that guy I was thinking maybe you could bring him.....Hello? Hello? (picks up a statue of an Indian and walks into 
his room)

(the computer bing, bongs)

PHOEBE: Aren't you gonna answer her, that's like the tenth bing-bong message she sent. She wants to know what's wrong?

CHANDLER: What's wrong? What's wrong? You're married that's what's wrong.

(bing, bong)

PHOEBE: Oh, my.

CHANDLER: What?

PHOEBE: She wants to meet you in person.

CHANDLER: Hey, look, Phoebe I wanted to meet her in person too, okay, but she's married, she has a husband.

PHOEBE: What if the husband person is the wrong guy, and you are the right guy. I mean you don't get chances like this all the time, if you don't meet her now, you're gonna be kicking yourself when your 80, which is hard to do, and that's how you break a hip.

CHANDLER: Okay, I'll do it!

PHOEBE: Oh, yeah! Okay! Great! Go, man, go put on your shoes, and, and march out there and meet her! (Chandler runs and picks up his shoes) Oh, wait, no, no you have to take a shower, 'cause, eww. (Chandler runs to the bathroom, as the computer bing-bongs) No, you know what you have to answer her, answer her first. (Chandler runs to the computer) No, no, you know what make some coffee 'cause its too much. (Chandler walks slowly into the kitchen)

[Scene: at Barry and Mindy's reception, Monica and Richard are sitting at a table, and Monica is trying to throw a piece of candy into his mouth.]

MONICA: Okay, one more, please. Come on, I'm gonna get it in this time, I will.

RICHARD: Okay, last chance. (Monica throws the candy and hits some woman in the back of the head, Richard turns around and says) Again, I'm sorry.

MONICA: You know what, maybe I don't need to have children. You know maybe I just think I do because that is what society, and by that I mean my mom, has always convinced me that I...(sees two little girls dancing together) I do, I have to have children, I'm sorry, I just do.

BEST MAN: (standing up) Yo! Can I have your attention, please, Best Man, making a toast here. Thank you. (clears throat, and starts reading his toast) I remember when Barry got home from his first date with Rachel...

ALL: What?!

BEST MAN: What, (to Barry) you hired the same band I can't use the same speech. (gets a 'da-doom-chesh' from the drummer) Thank you, thank you very much. Anyway, I wish you both a wonderful life together. And Rachel...

RACHEL: What.

BEST MAN: No, no, no now in all seriousness, its not a lot of women would've had the guts to come back here tonight, and even fewer, who would do it with their asses hanging out! (da-doom-chesh)

ROSS: (standing up) Uh, I like to, uh, to add something to that...

RACHEL: Why are you adding, why are you adding, why are you adding, why are you adding?

ROSS: Most of you don't know me, I'm Rachel's boyfriend.

RACHEL: Oh dear God.

ROSS: Ross, uh and uh, I'd just like to say that it did take a lot of courage for Rachel to come here tonight. And, uh, for the record she did not run out on Barry because she had syphilis. (da-doom-chesh) (to drummer) What are you doing I'm serious. Uh, the reason she walked out on, on Barry is simply that she didn't love him, which incidentally worked out pretty well for me (looks for the da-doom-chesh, and doesn't get one) Cheers.

RACHEL: (to Ross) She you in the parking lot.

ROSS: (runs after her) No, Rach!

BARRY: And once again she is out of here. Okay who had 9:45? Um?

RACHEL: (after a pause with everyone staring at her, she goes up to the microphone) Ya, know what Barr, I'm not gonna leave. I probably should, but I'm not, see 'cause I promised myself that I would make it through at least *one* of your weddings (da-doom-chesh). See now, tonight, all I 
really wanted was to make it though this evening with a little bit of grace and dignity. Well (laughing), I guess we can all agree that's not gonna happen. There's nothing really left to say except....(starts singing) "Her name was Lola. She was a showgirl. With yellow feathers (band joins in), feathers in her hair, and a dress cut down to there. She would..."

ROSS: Marenge,

RACHEL: (singing) "...marenge, thank you honey, and do the cha-cha. And while she like to be a star, Tony always tended bar. At the, wait, wait, everybody.."

ROSS: Everybody!

RACHEL: At the Copa, Copa Cabana (everyone joins in) The hottest spot north of Havana. At the Copa, Coo-pa Ca-ban-a, music and fashion were always the passion, at the Copa....

[Scene: later, Richard and Monica are dancing]

RICHARD: Okay, I'll do it.

MONICA: You'll do what?

RICHARD: If kids is what I takes to be with you then kids it is.

MONICA: Oh my God!

RICHARD: If I have to I'll, I'll do all again , I'll do the 4 o'clock feeding thing, I'll go to the P.T.A. meetings, I'll coach the soccer team.

MONICA: Really?

RICHARD: Yeah, if I have to. Monica, I don't wanna lose you, so if I have to do it all over again, then I will.

MONICA: You're the most wonderful man. And if you hadn't of said 'if I have to' like seventeen times, then I'd be saying 'okay, let's do it.'

RICHARD: But you're not.

MONICA: Oh my God, I can't believe what I'm getting ready to say. I wanna have a baby, but I don't wanna have one with someone who doesn't really wanna have one.

RICHARD: God. I love you.

MONICA: I know you do. Me too. (pause) So what now?

RICHARD: I guess we just keep dancing.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Rachel, Ross, Joey, and Phoebe are there waiting for Chandler's cyberchick to arrive]

CHANDLER: Where is she, Where is she? (grabs Rachel) Oh, hey, I have a question, where is she?

RACHEL: Chandler, relax, Chandler, she'll be here.

CHANDLER: (noticing a beautiful blond walking in) Ooh, oh, oh, that's her.

ROSS: (seeing her also) Yeah, 'cause life's just that kind.

PHOEBE: Chandler, you gotta stop staring at the door. It's like a watched pot, you know if you keep looking at it then the door is to, never gonna boil. I think what you have to do is try not to...

(Chandler's date walks in)

CHANDLER: Oh my God! (it's Janice)

JANICE: OH.....MY.....GAWD!! (Chandler rushes over and kisses her)

ALL: OH.....MY.....GOD!!

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is reading a script as Ross enters]

ROSS: All right I've been feeling incredibly guilty about this, because I wanna be a good friend, and dammit I am a good friend. So just, just shut up and close your eyes (kisses Joey).

JOEY: Wow, you are a good friend, 'course the audition was this morning, and I didn't get it. But that was a hell of a kiss. Rachel is a very lucky girl.


END 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The One With the Princess Leia Fantasy

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Written by: Michael Curtis and Gregory S. Malins
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Scene Central Perk, the whole gang is entering]

Joey: I'm tellin' ya that girl totally winked at me.

All: Did not, she did not wink at you...(sees that their sacred couch is occupied by strangers).

Chandler: Huh. (They all leave, dejected)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Rachel and Monica's, Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel are eating breakfast.]

Ross: I have to say Tupolo Honey by Van Morrison.

Rachel: Nooo Way! The most romantic song ever is The Way We Were.

Phoebe: See, I-I think that one that Elton John wrote for, um, that guy on Who's The Boss.

Rachel: What song was that, Pheebs?

Phoebe: (singing) Hold me close, young Tony Dan-za.

(Monica enters from her bedroom)

Phoebe: Hi Monica!

Ross: Hey Mon!

Rachel: Hey Mon!

(she just walks straight into the bathroom)

Phoebe: Oh my God, has she slept at all?

Ross: Nope.

Rachel: No, it's been three nights in a row.

Ross: Yeah, she finally stopped crying yesterday, but then she found one of Richard's cigar butts out on the terrace, so.

Phoebe: Oh, okay that explains it. I got a call at two in the morning, but all I could hear was, like, this high squeaky sound, so I thought okay its like a mouse or a opossum. But then I realized where would a mouse or a opossum get the money to make the phone call.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is coming in from the bedroom]

Chandler: Morning.

Joey: Morning, hey, you made pancakes?

Chandler: Yeah, like there's any way I could ever do that.

Janice: (entering and singing) Monica and Rachel had syrup, now I can get my man to cheer up. (laughs hysterically) Good morning Joey.

Joey: (sarcastically) Good morning.

Chandler: Hey, you know what, here's a thought. Why don't you stay home from work today and just hang out with me.

Janice: Oh, I wish. Look, honey, you have that report to finish, and I gotta go see my lawyer. 

Chandler: I can not believe that I am going out with someone that is getting divorced. I'm such a grown up.

Janice: (laughs) I-I-I gotta go, I gotta go. Okay, not without a kiss.

Chandler: Well, maybe I won't kiss you, and then you'll have to stay.

Joey: (under his breath) Kiss her! Kiss her!

Janice: I'll see you later, sweetie. Bye Joey.

Joey: B-bye Janice. So when ya' dumpin' her.

Chandler: Nope, not this time.

Joey: Come on, quite yankin' me.

Chandler: I'm not yanking you.

Joey: This is Janice.

Chandler: Yeah, I know. She makes me happy.

Joey: Okay. All right. You look me in the eye and tell me, without blinking, that you're not breaking up with her. No blinking.

Chandler: (looks him in the eye) I'm not breaking up with her! (they stare at each other for a while, then Joey blows in his face)

[Scene: Rachel and Monica's, Monica is entering from the bathroom.]

Monica: God, look what I found in the drain.

Rachel: What?!

Monica: It's some of Richard's hair! (holds it close to Ross) What do I do with this?

Ross: Getting it away from me would be job one.

Monica: It's weird, but you know what I don't wanna throw this away. I mean this is like all I have left of him, gross, drain hair. Ooh! (drops it in Ross's cereal)

Phoebe: Ooh. Oh. It looks like, like a tiny little person drowning in your cereal. (Ross gives her this look, like 'Yeah, doesn't it', and gets up to dump it down the drain.)

Monica: God, what is wrong with me.

Ross: You need to get some sleep.

Monica: I need to get some Richard.

Rachel: Monica, you broke up with him for a reason.

Monica: I know, I know. I'm just so tired of-of missing him. I'm tired of wondering why hasn't he called. Why hasn't he called!

Phoebe: Maybe, because you told him not to.

Monica: What are you the memory woman?

Joey: (entering) Their not breaking up. Chandler and Janice. Their not breaking up. He didn't blink or anything.

Rachel: Well, you know I'm not surprised. I mean have you seen them together, they're really cute.

Joey: Cute! This is Janice! You remember Janice?

Rachel: Yes, Joey, I remember, she's annoying, but you know what she's-she's his girlfriend now. I mean what can we do?

Joey: There you go! That's the spirit I'm looking for! What can we do? Huh? All right who's first? Huh? Ross?

Ross: Well I'm thinking that Chandler's our friend and Janice makes him happy, so I say we just all be adult about it and accept her.

Joey: Yeah, we'll call that Plan B. All right?

[Scene: Ross's bedroom, Ross is working and Rachel is reading a book in bed]

Rachel: (she leans over and kisses him on the cheek) Honey, I was wondering....

Ross: Hmm?

Rachel: Do you still have that, um, Navy uniform?

Ross: Nooo, I had to return it to the costume place.

Rachel: Hmm.

Ross: I think I have an old band uniform from high school.

Rachel: You remember not having sex in high school, right?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Well honey, what about you?

Ross: What?

Rachel: I mean do you have any fun, you know, fantasy type things?

Ross: No.

Rachel: Come on you gotta have one!

Ross: Nope.

Rachel: Ross, you know what...

Ross: What?

Rachel: ...if you tell me, I might do it.

Ross: Okay, umm. Did you ever see, um, Return Of The Jedi?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: Do you remember the scene with, um, Jabba the Hut? Well Jabba had as, as his prisoner, um, Princess Leia. 

Rachel: Oooh!

Ross: Princess Leia, was wearing this, um, gold bikini thing. It was pretty cool.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are there]

Phoebe: Yeah, oh, Princess Leia and the gold bikini, every guy our age loved that.

Rachel: Really!

Phoebe: Um, um. It's huge. Yeah, that's the moment, when-when, you know she stopped being a princess, and became, like, a woman, you know.

Rachel: Did you ever do the-the Leia thing?

Phoebe: Oh, yeah, um-mm. Oh!

Rachel: Really! That-that great huh?

Phoebe: No it's just that I got this new pager and I have it on vibrate. See ya!

Ross: (entering with Monica in tow) Hey!

Rachel: Hi you guys!

Ross: Look who I found standing outside of the Szechwan Dragon staring at a parking meter.

Rachel: Mon. Hi! 

Monica: Hi.

Rachel: Why aren't you at work?

Monica: Oh, they-they sent me home.

Rachel: Why?

Monica: Because I don't work at the Szechwan Dragon.

Ross: Okay.

Rachel: You really, really need to get some sleep, honey.

Monica: I know I do.

Ross: Hi.

Rachel: Hi.

Ross: Guess what?

Rachel: What?

Ross: They published my paper.

Rachel: Oh, really, let me see, let me see.

Phoebe: Rach, look! (she holds two buns up to her ears to make her hair look like the Princess Leia 'do.) Oh, hi! Where is my strong Ross Skywalker to come rescue me. (Ross stands up horrified) There he is.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching Wheel of Fortune, the puzzle is showing _oun_ Rush_ore.]

[Chandler enters]

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Wheel!

Chandler: Of!

Joey: Fortune! This guy is so stupid. (yelling) It's Count Rushmore!!

Chandler: You know, you should really go on this show. All right, listen, I got three tickets to the Rangers tonight. What'd ya' say?

Joey: I say, 'I am there!' Cool! Aw, is Ross going to?

Chandler: No, Janice.

Joey: Jan-ice. 'Cause I, just, I feel bad for Ross, you know, we-we always go together, we're like the three hocke-teers.

Chandler: You know, I may be way out on a limb here, but do you, do you, have a problem with Janice?

Joey: No, Yeeees. God, how do I say this. (walks into the kitchen, Chandler follows closely, he turns around and gets startled). Oh, hi, you know that girl from the Greek restaurant with the hair (holds his hands up to signify she has big hair)?

Chandler: Ooh, that girl that I hate, eww, drives me crazy, eww, eww, oh!

Joey: Look, I don't hate Janice, she's-she's just a lot to take, you know.

Chandler: Well, there you go.

Joey: Oh, hey. Come on man, don't look at me like that, she used to drive you nuts before too, remember?

Chandler: Well, I'm crazy about her now. I think this could be the real thing. Capital 'R'! Capital 'T'! (Joey stares at him) Don't worry, those are the right letters.

Joey: Look, what do you want me to say?

Chandler: I want you to say that you like her!

Joey: I can't. It's like this chemical thing, you know. Every time she starts laughing, I just wanna (grimaces and tenses up) pull my arm off just so that I can have something to throw at her. 

Chandler: Thanks for trying. (grabs the ticket and starts to leave) Oh, and by the way there is no Count Rushmore!

Joey: Yeah, then-then who's the guy that painted the faces on the mountain? (Chandler gives him a look like 'You stupid idiot!')

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Ross are entering]

Ross: How could you have told her? 

Rachel: Ross, I didn't think it would that big of a deal.

Ross: Oh, she didn't think it would be that big of deal.

Rachel: Okay, who are you talking to when you do that?

Ross: Look, that was supposed to be like a private, personal thing between us.

Rachel: Okay, Ross, Phoebe is my girlfriend, okay, we tell each other everything. You know, I mean, come on, guys do the same thing, I mean, what about all that locker room stuff.

Ross: That's different, okay. That's like, uh 'Who dated a stripper?' or 'Who did it on the back of the Staton Island Ferry?'.

Rachel: Were both of those Joey?

Ross: Yeah. Look, you don't, you don't talk about like, you know, your girlfriend and the intimate stuff you, you do with her.

Rachel: Not even with your best friend.

Ross: Noo!

Rachel: That is so sad. Your missing out on so much, Ross. I mean, the bonding and the sharing, you know. And-and knowing that someone else is going through the same thing you are.

Ross: Hmph. So what you, you tell each other everything?

Rachel: Pretty much.

Ross: Did you talk about the night of five times? Do you tell people about the night of five times? 

Rachel: Uh, honey, yeah that was with Carol.

Ross: I know, but it's still worth mentioning, I think.

[Scene: Monica's bedroom, Phoebe is trying to relax her.]

Phoebe: ( in a soothing voice) Relax every muscle in your body. Listen to the plinky-plunky music. Okay, now close you eyes, and think of a happy place. Okay, tell me your happy place.

Monica: Richard's living room, drinking wine.

Phoebe: All right. No, no, no, not a Richard thing, just put down the glass. And get out!

Monica: I'm sorry, but that's my happy place.

Phoebe: Well, okay, fine, use my happy place. Okay, I'm just gonna, I have to ask that you don't move anything.

Monica: All right, I'll try not to.

Phoebe: Okay, all right, so, your in a meadow, millions of stars in the sky....

Monica: Do you think breaking up with him was a huge mistake?

Phoebe: All right, there are no questions in the happy place. Okay, just, the warm breeze, and the moonlight flowing through the trees....

Monica: I'll bet he's totally over me, I'll bet he's fine.

Phoebe: All right, betting and wagering of any kind, are, I'm sure, not permitted in the happy place. Okay. Just-just, you know, the-the lovely waterfalls, and the, the trickling fountains. And the-the calming sounds of the babbling brook....

Monica: Okay, this isn't working. I'm still awake and now I have to pee.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's]

Janice: So, I hear, you hate me!

Joey: I, ah, I never said hate, I was very careful about that.

Janice: A little birdie told me something about you wanting to rip your arm off and throw it at me.

Joey: And you got a 'hate' from that?! Your taking a big leap there...

Janice: All right, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, we've got to do something about our little situation here Joey. So, this is my idea: you and me spending some quality time together.

Joey: But what does that gonna do...

Janice: For Chandler!

Joey: Okay. I'm in.

Janice: Okay. All right. This is what we're gonna call it: 'Joey and Janice's DAY OF FUN!'

Joey: Does it have to be a whole day?

Janice: Yes, because that's how long it takes to love me.

Joey: Yeah, I know, I sleep in the next room.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Monica are entering]

Monica: (crying) So, I went down to the post office, and it turns out it was those videos that I ordered for Richard about the Civil War. He loved the Civil War.

Phoebe: Monica, do you want us to take you home?

Monica: Uh, huh. (to Ross) Or maybe to a galaxy far, far away. (Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe leave)

Ross: Women tell each other everything. Did you know that?

Chandler: Umm, yeah.

Ross: No Chandler, everything! Like stuff you like, stuff she likes, technique, stamina, girth....

Chandler: Girth? Why, why, why, wh-why, why, why, why would they do this? 

Ross: Rachel says sharing's great and supposedly, you know, we outta be doing it. Do you wanna?

Chandler: We're not gonna talk about girth are we?

Ross: Nooo!

Chandler: Yeah, okay.

Ross: Yeah?

Chandler: Yeah! All right! You go first.

Ross: Okay, okay, I'll go first.

Chandler: Okay.

Ross: So, uh, the other night Rachel and I are in bed talking about fantasies, and I happened to describe a particular Star Wars thing....

Chandler: Princess Leia in the gold bikini.

Ross: Yes! 

Chandler: I know!

Ross: Yes! Wow, well, that-that was easy. Okay, you-you go.

Chandler: Okay.

Ross: Okay.

Chandler: Okay, you know, you know when your in bed, with a woman.

Ross: Hmph.

Chandler: And, ah, you know, your fooling around with her. And you get all these like, mental images in your brain, you know, like Elle MacPherson, or that girl at the Xerox place....

Ross: With the belly-button ring? Oh, muhawa!

Chandler: I know, And then all of the sudden your Mom pops into your head. And your like 'Mom, get outta here!' You know, but of course, like, after that you can't possibly think of anything else, and you can't, you know, stop what your doing. So it's kinda like, you're, you know. You know...(Ross just stares at him). You don't know!

Ross: Your Mom, your telling me, your telling me, about your Mom, what is the matter with you?

Chandler: You said...

Ross: I said 'share' not 'scare'. Go sit over there! (Chandler goes over and sits at a table and puts his head down).

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Janice are returning from their DAY OF FUN!]

Janice: We're baack!

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: What are you guys doing together?

Janice: Joey and Janice's DAY OF FUN!!! (laughs)

Chandler: Really.

Joey: Yeah, yeah. We went to a Mets game, we got Chinese food, and you know, I love this woman. You have got competition buddy.

Janice: I just came by to give you a kiss, I have to go pick up the baby, so. I'll see you later sweetheart, you too Chandler. (laughs)

Chandler: You still can't stand her can you?

Joey: I'm sorry man, I tired, I really did.

Chandler: Well, you know, I appreciate you giving it a shot.

Joey: But, hey, look, you know the good thing is, is that we spent the whole day together and I survived, and what's even more amazing, so did she. It was bat day at Shea Stadium.

Chandler: Well, I guess that's something.

Joey: No man, that's huge! Now, I know I can stand to be around her, which means I get to hang out with you, which is kinda the whole point, anyway.

Chandler: Okay.

Joey: Oh, hey, Chandler, we, ah, we stopped by the coffee shop and ran into Ross.

Chandler: Oh God!

Joey: Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I do it too.

Chandler: Really?

Joey: Oh yeah, I always picture your Mom when I'm having sex.

[Scene: Rachel and Monica's, Monica is watching the Civil War videos]

Video:April Twelve, Eighteen hundred, Sixty-One (Monica lights Richard's cigar butt), 4:30 A.M. on Tuesday, the United States garrison at Fort Sumter was fired upon (knock on door) it is now under bombardment by.... 

(Monica answers the door)

Monica: Hi, Dad, what are you doing here?

Mr. Geller: Well, it's your mother's bridge night so I thought that I would come into the city for a little Monicuddle. (hugs her) Since when did you start smoking cigars?

Monica: I don't, I just, I just like the smell of them. So, uh, what are you really doing here Dad?

Mr. Geller: Well, I just wanted to make sure you were okay.

Monica: What makes you think that I might not be okay?

Mr. Geller: I saw Richard.

Monica: Oh.

Mr. Geller: So, how are you doing?

Monica: I'm fine, just a little tired, I'm okay. How's Richard doing?

Mr. Geller: You don't wanna know.

Monica: No, I really, really do.

Mr. Geller: Well, he's doing terrible!

Monica: Really!

Mr. Geller: Worse than when he broke up with Barbara.

Monica: You're not just saying that are you?

Mr. Geller: No, the man is a mess.

Monica: Was he crying?

Mr. Geller: No.

Monica: Well, do you think he was waiting 'til after you left, so he could cry?

Mr. Geller: Maybe.

Monica: I think so.

Mr. Geller: Honey, relationships are hard. Like with your Mom and me. You know after we graduated college we broke up for a while. It seems her Father, your Grandfather, wanted her to travel around Europe, like he did. Of course, he got to do it on Uncle Sam's nickel, because he was also strafing German troop trains at the time. However, (turns around and sees that Monica is sleeping and puts a blanket around her, kisses her, picks up the cigar, and starts watching the video)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Ross's bedroom, Ross is humming the Star Wars theme. Rachel enters, with her hair done up like Princess Leia's, and wearing a belly dancer's outfit, to simulate the gold bikini thing.]

Rachel: Okay, here we go. I'm Jabba's prisoner, and you have a really weird look on your face. What? Honey, what is it? Did I get it wrong? Did I get the hair wrong? What? Did you just picture it differently? What? What?

Ross: No, no it's, um, it's not you, um, it's um, it's (turns and sees his Mom standing where Rachel is)

Mrs. Geller: Well what is it? Come on sweetie, your like, freaking me out here.

Ross: I hate Chandler, the bastard ruined my life. (Rachel starts looking around and down, with a 'What the hell is going on?' look on her face.)

End


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The One Where No-one's Ready

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Written by: Ira Ungerleider
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Scene: Rachel and Monica's, everyone is getting ready to go to a banquet]

Joey: All right they got water, orange juice, and what looks like cider. (takes a glass from the fridge.)

Chandler: Taste it.

Joey: (drinks from the glass and puts it back in the fridge) Yep, it's fat. I drank fat!

Chandler: Yeah, I know, I did that two minutes ago.

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Chandler: Hey, mister tux!

Ross: Why aren't you guys dressed?

Joey: We have a half hour.

Ross: No, four minutes ago you had a half hour, we have to be out the door at twenty to eight. 

Joey: Relax Ross, we'll be ready. It only takes us two minutes to get dressed.

Ross: Well, you know, I'd feel a whole lot better if you got dressed now.

Chandler and Joey: Okay. (they don't move)

Rachel: (entering from bathroom) Hey-hey! Oh, look at you, all sexy.

Ross: Really.

Rachel: Ooooh! Wow!! Oh, hi.

Ross: Hi.

Rachel: How come you didn't come over earlier?

Ross: 'Cause, I'm a stupid, stupid man.

Joey: Hey, Ross, want some cider?

Ross: No. (to Rachel) So, um, let's see your pretty close, huh. Make-up's on, hair's done. 

Rachel: Yeah, I just have to get dressed.

Ross: Yay! And that takes what? Just six or seven minutes.

Rachel: Yeah! Once, I figure out what I'm wearing.

Joey: Glass of fat?

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Ross is acting nervous]

Joey: What's a matter Ross? What you're nervous about your speech?

Ross: No! Do you wanna hear it?

Joey: Am I in it?

Ross: Uh, huh. Yeah, right after I thank everyone for giving money to the museum, I sing a song about the wonder that is Joey.

Phoebe: (entering) Hello.

Ross: Hey!

Joey: Whoa!

Ross: Wow, hello! You look great!

Phoebe: Thank you! I know, though.

Ross: You see this, this is a person who is ready to go. Phoebe you, oh, you are my star.

Phoebe: Ohh, well, you're my lucky penny.

Chandler: (entering from bathroom, with an issue of Cosmo) All right, I took the quiz, and it turns out, I do put career before men. (to Joey) Get up.

Joey: What?

Chandler: You're in my seat.

Joey: How is this your seat?

Chandler: 'Cause I was sitting there.

Joey: But then you left.

Chandler: Well, it's not like I went to Spain. I went to the bathroom, you knew I was coming back.

Joey: What's the big deal, sit somewhere else.

Chandler: The big deal is I was sitting there last, so, that's my seat.

Joey: Well, actually the last place you were sitting was in there (points to the bathroom). Soo...

Ross: You guys, you know what, you know what, it doesn't matter, because you both have to go get dressed before the big vain in my head pops. So..

Chandler: All right, Ross, I just have to do one thing, really quickly, it's not a big deal. (yells at Joey) GET UP!!

Monica: (entering) Hi.

All: Hey.

Monica: Ooh, Phoebe, you look great!

Phoebe: All right all ready.

Monica: (to Ross) Ooh, are you gonna do magic?

Ross: That's, that's funny. Change!

Monica: Hang on a second I just got in.

Ross: Look, I don't care it starts at eight, we can't be late.

Phoebe: We could not, would not want to wait.

Ross: Look, our table is down in front, okay, my boss is gonna be there, everyone will see if we arrive after it starts.

Monica: Has somebody been drinking my fat? (Joey and Chandler look at each other)

Rachel: (entering from her bedroom) You guys, (holds up an outfit) does this look like something the girlfriend of a paleontologist would wear?

Phoebe: I don't know, you might be the first one.

Monica: Rach, did you check the machine?

Rachel: Uh, no. Wait, you know what, this is the outfit that makes my calves look fat. Nevermind.

Chandler: Well, Joey, I wrote a little song today. It's called: Get Up.

Joey: All right! You can have the chair.

Chandler: Really!

Joey: Oh my, would you look at that! (holds up crossed fingers)

Phoebe: (on machine) "Hi, it's me, I'm coming over now. Hey, what if I'm already there when your playing this message?" (to the guys) Is that too spooky?

Ross: (on machine) "Hi Rach, are you there? It's me, pick up. Rachel. Rach!"

Rachel: (entering from her bedroom) What?!

Ross: Nevermind.

Richard: (on machine) "Monica, it's Richard. Call me."

Monica: Is-is-is that message old or new? (yelling) Old or new?! Old or new?!

Ross: It's old, it's definitely old. Didn't you hear the, the double beep?

Monica: What if it's new? I mean, we agreed not to talk again, unless we had something really important to say. Shouldn't I call him back?

Chandler: Honey, you did call him back. 'Cause, it's, it's really old.

Ross: Yeah, see Mon, listen, listen. When Carol and I broke up, I went through the same thing. And you know what I did?

Monica: Huh?

Ross: I.....got.....dressed. Really, really quickly. Okay, okay. (Rachel starts to follow Monica into her room, but Ross stops her and sends her back to her room.) There we go, there we go.

Chandler: You know what, okay, fine. Don't get up, you just sit right there. I just hope, you don't mind, you know, my hand right here. (holds his hand a couple of inches in front of Joey's face) Op, not touching, can't get mad! Not touching can't get mad! Not touching can't get mad! (Joey flings some dip onto Phoebe's dress)

Phoebe: Ah! Oh my God! You r-r-rotten boys!

Chandler and Joey: Sorry Phoebe.

Joey: I'm so sorry.

Phoebe: What am I gonna do?

Ross: No, no, don't, don't, rub it! Don't! (clapping) What gets out hummus?! What gets out hummus?!

Phoebe: Monica, Monica, you know what gets out hummus.

Monica: If it is a new message, what is he calling to say?

Phoebe: Okay, thanks. Yeah, I'll try that.

Chandler: Maybe he's calling to say your obsessive and crazy.

Monica: So, should I call him back?

The Guys: Noo! (Monica starts to go back into her room and stops) NO!

Chandler: All right, fine, you know what, we'll both sit in the chair. (sits on Joey's lap) I'm soooo, comfortable.

Joey: Me too. In fact, I think I might be a little too comfortable.

Chandler: All right! (jumps up)

Ross: Okay, look, we have nineteen minutes. Okay, Chandler, I want you to go and change! Okay. And then, when you come back, Joey will go change, and he'll have vacated the chair. Okay. Okay.

Chandler: All right! Fine! I'm going. But when I get back it's chair sitting, and I'm the guy who's....sitting in a chair! (leaves)

Rachel: (entering from her room) Is this a little too... (sees Phoebe) Pheebs, what happened?

Phoebe: Hummus. I got the hummus.

Rachel: Ooooh! Honey, well we'll find you something. Do you wanna wear my black jacket? 

Phoebe: That won't go with this dress though.

Rachel: No, you're right. Well, we'll find something. Let's just get you out of that. Come on.

Ross: No, no, no, no, no, no, not out of that, not out of clothes.

Rachel: Monica, can Phoebe borrow your green dress?

Monica: I called him.

All: Nooo.

Monica: Yes. Well I got his machine and I left a message. But it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, because you know it was like a casual, breezy message. It was breezy! Oh God, what if it wasn't breezy? 

Phoebe: Well, how could it not be breezy, no, 'cause, you're, you're in such a breezy place.

Monica: Here, I got it. I'll will play my message for you guys, and you can tell me if it's breezy enough.

Joey: Monica, how are you gonna do that?

Monica: I know the code to his answering machine.

Ross: Okay, Mon, I really don't think this is the... Okay, you're dialing, you are dialing.

(Chandler enters, and Joey is standing near the chair, they have a show down to see who gets the chair and Joey wins)

Richard: (on machine) "Hi, this is Richard. Please, leave a message at the tone."

Machine: "You have two new messages."

Joey: Wow, what a cool job. (in a machine voice) 'You have two new messages.' 'Please, pass the pie.'

Monica: (on machine) "Hi, it's Monica. I'm just checking in 'cause I got this message from you and I didn't know if it was old or new or what. So, I'm just checkin'. So let me know, or don't, whatever. I'm breezy."

Joey: Hey, you can't say you're breezy, that, that totally negates the breezy.

Woman's Voice: (on machine) Hola, it's me, yesterday was really fun. Call me about this weekend, okay.

Joey: Now she sounded breezy.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier]

Monica: He's seeing someone. I can't believe he's seeing someone.

Phoebe: Monica, you don't know that.

Monica: Well, who's voice was that?

Chandler: Maybe it was his sister's. You know, maybe it was his daughter's.

Monica: Michelle! Of course, it was Michelle! Did it sound like Michelle?

Ross: Oh, great. It's starting to rain, that will make it easy to get a cab.

Monica: It was Michelle. It was definitely Michelle.

Rachel: Pheebs, you go with Monica and try on her green dress. If that doesn't work, you can wear my gray silk one. Oh, gosh, what am I wearing?!

Ross: You don't, you don't know what your wearing?

Rachel: Well, hon-ey. I'm just trying to look nice for your big night.

Ross: Yeah, which, which we have to leave for in exactly twelve minutes. All right, come on, I'll just pick something out for you.

Chandler: All right, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not. So in the words of A. A. Milne, "Get out of my chair, dillhole!"

Joey: Okay. (he gets up and takes the cushions with him, as he starts to leave)

Chandler: What are you doing?

Joey: You said I had to give you the chair, you didn't say anything about the cushions.

Chandler: The cushions are the essence of the chair!

Joey: That's right! I'm taking the essence.

Chandler: Oh-ho, it'll be back. Oh-ho, there's nobody in the room.

Ross: Look, I'm sorry, I thought it looked pretty.

Rachel: Ross, that was a Halloween costume, unless you would like me to go to this thing as Little Bo Peep.

Ross: Look, I didn't recognize it without that inflatable sheep.

Rachel: Yeah, which, by the way Chandler, I would like back one of these days.

Phoebe: Oh Rach, good, listen isn't this perfect for me! (she's wearing another dress on a hanger around her neck)

Rachel: Oh, it's perfect! But not for tonight.

Phoebe: Well, of course not for tonight. Yeah, hi!

Ross: Not for tonight. Not for tonight! Wh-what, what, what, are you doing?

Rachel: No honey, we're sorry, we didn't mean it. I love you. I love you.

Chandler: We used them as pillows when we went camping.

Ross: What?

Chandler: (shyly) The sheep.

Ross: Hey, what you do on your own time...

Joey: (entering) Where's my underwear?!

Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on, come on, what. You took his underwear?

Chandler: He took my essence!

Ross: Okay, now hold on. Joey, why, why can't you just wear the underwear you're wearing now?

Joey: Because, I'm not wearing any underwear now.

Ross: Okay, then why do you have to wear underwear tonight?

Joey: It's a rented tux. Okay. I'm not gonna go commando in another man's fatigues.

Chandler: Well, then it looks like somebody is gonna have to give back somebody his cushions.

Joey: Okay, you hide my clothes. I'm gonna do the exact opposite to you.

Chandler: What are you, what are you gonna show me my clothes?

Joey: Hey, opposite, is opposite! (leaves)

Chandler: He's got nothing!

Phoebe: (entering from Rachel's room, wearing a huge bow to cover the stain) Okay, I'm ready.

Ross and Chandler: Oh, aaaah!

Phoebe: Rachel, didn't have anything that I liked, so, but she had this Christmas ribbon, and I thought, 'All right, fine I'll be political.'

Chandler: What are you supporting?

Phoebe: Duh!! Christmas!

Ross: Okay, hey, that's okay with me. Two down and I have exactly twelve minutes.... Wha, my watch stopped. My watch. (shows Chandler) Okay, see, the, the dinosaur tail isn't going around any more. (grabs Chandler's watch) What time is it? It's 7:33, I have seven minutes. I have seven minutes!!

Rachel: (entering from her room) Okay, Pheebs, quick, what shoes should I wear? The black or the purple?

Ross: Just, just, just pick one!

Phoebe: Okay, okay, okay, the black. But, oh, do you have black, with the little strappys?

Rachel: Yeahh, but, but those really go better with pants. Maybe I should wear pants?

Ross: Yeah, pants, what, what an idea. Or better yet, um, how 'bout you go without any pants. Look, I don't know what you're trying to do to me, but just get your butt in there and pick out any shoes that fit your feet, okay. No, no I don't care if they match. I don't care if they make your ankles or your knees or your earlobes look fat. Okay.

Rachel: But I...

Ross: No, no, no just do it. Go in there and pick something out so we can go.

Rachel: All right.

Ross: Thank you!

Monica: (entering from her room) Okay. I gotta call Michelle. I gotta see if that was her voice or not. I'm sorry, I just have to.

Ross: It was, it was her voice.

Chandler: Monica, I think you've gone over to the bad place.

Michelle: Hola! Hello. Hello?

Monica: Okay. That was her right?

Phoebe: Definitely.

Monica: See there you go. Woo! We're out of the woods. Okay, I'll get dressed now.

Ross: Yay!

(phone rings)

Phoebe: I'll get it, okay. (answers phone) Hi, Monica and Rachel's. (listens) Yeah, just a second, can I ask who's calling. (to Monica) Oh, ew, it's Michelle! Ew! She, she must have that Caller Id thing. You should get that. 

Monica: (on phone) Uh, Michelle. Yeah, that was me, I-I dialed your number by mistake. (listens) Oh, you're so sweet. Yeah, we were a great couple. I know I really miss him. Well, you know how it is, it's that....

Chandler: (to Phoebe) You know what's weird. Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always put a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about?

Monica: (on phone) Michelle, I only beeped in so I could hear my message. I mean that's allowed. Yeah-huh! I mean look, yeah, you know what I would really appreciate it if you didn't tell your Dad about. What do you mean, you're not comfortable with this? Come on we're friends!! (Michelle hangs up) That bitch always hated me. I'm calling her back.

Ross: No, no, no, no. Tick, tick, tick, tick.

Monica: Okay, fine. (runs to her room)

Chandler: They got a phone in there, right?

Phoebe: Okay, we're on it. We're on it.

(Rachel comes out from her room wearing sweat pants and a sweatshirt)

Ross: Um. I know it says black tie optional, but, um this may be pushing it a little, um.

Rachel: I'm not gonna gooo.

Ross: You're not going to go.

Rachel: No, I think I'm gonna catch up on my correspondence.

Ross: How, how, um how can you not be going?

Rachel: I'm not gonna gooo, so I think that will accomplish the not going.

Ross: Um, you know, just out of curiosity...

Rachel: Well, ever since I was humiliated and yelled at in front of my friends, I'm just, I don't know, not in a museum benefitty kind of mood.

Ross: Right. Right, okay, okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I yelled.

Rachel: It's fine.

Ross: No, but, your-your mad.

Rachel: I'm not mad. 

Ross: No.

Rachel: I'm just not going.

Ross: Your not going.

Rachel: Right.

Ross: Okay. You know that I-I have to go.

Rachel: Um, hum.

Ross: Right. So is it gonna be like 'I'm abandoning you while your upset.'

Rachel: No.

Ross: No, because your not upset.

Rachel: Right.

Ross: About the yelling.

Rachel: Right, and the humiliating.

Ross: Oh, well of course, the humiliating. So, so wee, we're okay.

Rachel: Um, hum.

Ross: We're good.

Rachel: Right.

Ross: Okay. Honey?

Rachel: Yes, Ross. (turns toward him)

Ross: I love you. (goes to kiss her and she turns away.)

Phoebe: (yelling from the bedroom) Get away from that! No! (she comes into the living room carrying the phone) She's just getting dressed.

Chandler: Is it wrong that I was totally aroused by that?

(Joey enters wearing a lot of clothes)

Joey: Okay, buddy-boy. Here it is. You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own.

Chandler: Oh my God! That is so not the opposite of taking somebody's underwear!! 

Joey: Look at me! I'm Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando...

Chandler: Oooo-ooh!

Joey: Yeah. Whew, it's hot with all of this stuff on. I ah, I better not do any, I don't know, lunges. (starts doing lunges)

Ross: Okay, okay. Enough, enough with the lunging. No! I'm sick of this. Okay. I've had it up to here with you two! Neither you can come to the party!

Chandler: Jeez, what a baby.

Joey: Yeah, Ross, way to ruin it. I was just going to get dressed.

Ross: You know what I don't care. The only person I cared about getting dressed, is the one person that says she's not even gonna go. Look Rach, I'm sorry. Okay. Look, I-I wa, I was a jerk. I'm sorry I yelled. I want you there, I need you there. Look, what, what can I do that can show you how much, how much I want you to be there.

Joey: You could drink the fat.

Ross: Hi, welcome, to an adult conversation.

Rachel: No, no, no, now wait, wa, wa, waa-it a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. That actually, uh, that sounds interesting.

Ross: What?

Rachel: I think you should drink the fat.

Joey: Yaaaay!

Ross: Okay, okay. If that is what it takes to show you how much you mean to me, and how much I want you there. Then that's what I'll do.

Phoebe: Oh, wait, let me get you another glass. That's been sitting out.

Ross: I think this will be fine. Okay, vanilla milkshake, just a vanilla milkshake, with chicken bits floating in it. Cheers. (starts to drink, but Rachel stops him just before he starts drinking)

Rachel: No, no, no, wait! Okay, okay. Don't! I'll go, I'll go!

Ross: You will?!

Rachel: You were really gonna do that, weren't you?

Ross: Well, yeah.

Rachel: You were gonna drink the fat.

Joey: Let's see what else he'll do!

Ross: (to Joey) How 'bout instead you, go get changed! (to Chandler) You, give him back his underwear! I'm gonna go get a cab, and I want everyone down stairs in two minutes! Monica! 

(Joey and Chandler start to leave, Joey is lunging as he is walking)

Chandler: Stop it. Stop it!

(Monica runs into the living room, and starts dialing the phone)

Phoebe: Ross, went to get a cab so we can all... No, wh-what are you doing! No, Monica, no!

Richard: (on machine) Hi, this is Richard.

Machine: You have three new messages.

Monica: Not any more!

Machine: Message erased. To record a message begin speaking at the tone.

Monica: Hi, uh, Richard it's Monica, um, listen I did something kind of crazy tonight, um, maybe I'm getting my period or something, I don't know. Um, anyway, I, I, I beeped into your machine and I heard a message that, that freaked me out, and um, you know what Michelle will tell you the rest. I, I, um, I'm sorry, okay, I, I hope that we can forget the whole thing. Okay, bye.

Machine: Your outgoing message has now been changed.

Monica: Outgoing! Did that say outgoing?! Not, outgoing!!!

Monica: (on machine) "Hi, uh, Richard it's Monica, um, listen I did something kind of crazy tonight, um, maybe I'm getting my period or something, I don't know." Nooo!!

Phoebe: How did you do that?

Monica: I don't know!

Machine: Good-bye.

Monica: Noooo!!!!

Ross: (entering) Okay, okay, okay, I've got two cabs and no people. Go! Go! Go!

Monica: Maybe we could call the phone company. Maybe they could change the message. Maybe they can change his number. 

Phoebe: Yeah, after this, I think he'll be doing that himself.

Ross: Rachel!! (she enters) Wow! You, uh, you look, wow!

Rachel: And I still have about five seconds to spare. (kisses him) Okay, that was about seven seconds.

Ross: So we're a little late.

Rachel: Come on. (they start to leave) Oh! And, uh, by the way....

Ross: What?

Rachel: I'm going commando, too.

Ross: Awwww!!!

Closing Credits

[Scene: At the banquet]

Sherman Whitfield: Dr. Geller, Sherman Whitfield, London Institute.

Ross: Wow! What a pleasure.

Whitfield: (sits down) Well, I have to tell you, I was quite impressed with your paper on Pre-Cretaceous fossils. Yeah, it confirmed everything that I have written.

Chandler: Excuse me. Hi.

Whitfield: Yes?

Chandler: Well, your kind of sitting in my seat.

Whitfield: What do you mean, your seat?

Chandler: I mean, I was sitting there.

Whitfield: But, you got up!

Chandler: But, I never left the room!

Whitfield: But, you left the chair area.

Chandler: All right, that's it, give me your underwear.

End


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The One With the Jam

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Written by: Wil Calhoun
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen


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[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is sitting reading a book and hears the bed in Joey's room creaking, and does a 'Oh no, not again' look on his face.]

Joey: (from bedroom) WHOAA!!

Chandler: (going to the bedroom) See Joe, that's why your parents told you not to jump on the bed.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are entering]

Monica: Hey, look at me. I'm making jam, been at it since 4 o'clock this morning.

Ross: Where'd you get fruit at four in the morning?

Monica: Went down to the docks. Bet ya didn't know you could get it wholesale.

Rachel: I didn't know there were docks.

[Joey and Chandler enter]

Joey: Hey.

Chandler: Hey.

Ross: Aww, is it broken?

Joey: No, I gotta wear this thing for a couple weeks. (points to the sling he is wearing)

Rachel: Did you tell the doctor you did it jumping up and down on your bed?

Joey: Nooo. I had a story all worked out but then Chandler sold me out.

Chandler: Well, I'm sorry Joe. I didn't think the doctor was gonna buy that it just *fell* out of the socket.

Joey: What is this? Fruit?

Rachel: Monica's making jam.

Joey: Whoa, jam! I love jam! (to Chandler) Hey, how come we never have jam at our place?

Chandler: Because the kids need new shoes.

Monica: I'm going into business people. I'm sick and tired of being depressed about Richard. I needed a plan, a plan to get over my man. What's the opposite of man? Jam. (sees Joey trying some jam from the pot) Oh Joey don't! It's way to hot. (Joey realizes this and spits what he had in his mouth back into the pot.)

Joey: This will just be my batch.

[Scene: Street, Phoebe is being followed by some guy, as they pass a flower vendor. Phoebe turns around and the guy quickly picks up some flowers and continues following her.]

Phoebe: (turns around) Um, that's it. No. Hey! You! J. Crew guy. Yeah. Why have you been following me? I mean, all week long everywhere I look there's you.

Guy: You wouldn't return my calls, you sent back my letters....

Phoebe: What?

Guy: One more chance Ursula, please?

Phoebe: Oooh. Oh, well this is awkward. 

Guy: Wh..

Phoebe: Um, yeah, you want Ursula, and I'm Phoebe. Twin sisters! Seriously.

Guy: Oh, that's great. I'm stalking the wrong woman. I am such a dingus!

Phoebe: Oh, you're not a dingus.

Guy: I just, I want you to know I didn't used to be like this. Before I meet your sister I was like this normal guy who sold beepers and cellular phones.

Phoebe: Well, I mean look it's, it's not your fault, you know. I mean this is just what, what she does to guys, okay.

Guy: Well thanks. (starts to leave)

Phoebe: Wait, (grabs him) you know what, I got a little story. When I was in Junior High School I went through this period where I thought I was a witch. And there was this guidance counselor who said something to me, that I think will help you a lot. He said okay, 'you're not a witch you're just an average student.' See what I'm saying?

Guy: Not really.

Phoebe: Um, well, get over it. So, I mean you, you just seem to be a really nice guy, you know. Don't be so hard on yourself okay.

Guy: Wait. You're right. I know you're right. And, thanks for being so nice. Here (gives her the flowers he bought.)

Phoebe: Oh, thanks a lot. Do you want to get a cup of coffee?

Guy: Yeah, okay.

Phoebe: Okay. (they start to leave, he is still following her) Okay, you don't have to walk behind me any more.

Guy: Sorry.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are entering]

Rachel: Mon?

Ross: Mon?

Rachel: (reading) 'Gone for more jars. Back later. Monica Geller.'

Ross: Wait a minute, look.

Rachel: What?

Ross: Look, look, look.

Rachel: What, what, what?

Ross: It's an empty apartment.

Rachel: Oooh.

Ross: We're all alone in an empty apartment.

Rachel: Honey, come on, I have to be at work in like ten minutes (Ross starts kissing her neck) Oh, all right, well it's not like I'm employee of the year or anything. (they fall onto the couch)

(Chandler enters and they both jump up and pretend that Ross is showing her something in the couch.)

Ross: There it is.

Rachel: Oh, oh, that's what you're talking about. (to Chandler) Hey.

Ross: Hey.

Chandler: Do I look fat?

Ross and Rachel: Noo.

Chandler: Okay, I accept that. When Janice asked me and I said no, she took that to mean that I was calling her a cow. 

Rachel: Okay, walk us through it, honey, walk us through it.

Chandler: Okay, well. Janice said 'Hi, do I look fat today?' And I, I looked at her....

Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You looked at her. You never look. You just answer, it's just a reflex. Do I look fat? Nooo! Is she prettier than I am? Noo! Does size matter?

Rachel: Nooo!

Ross: And it works both ways.

Chandler: Okay, so you both just know this stuff?

Rachel: Well you know, after about thirty or forty fights, you kinda catch on.

Ross: Okay, for instance. Let's say, Janice is coming back from a trip and she gives you two options. Option number 1 she'll take a cab home from the airport. Option 2 is you can meet her at baggage claim. Which do you do?

Chandler: That's easy, baggage claim.

Ross: (buzzes) Wrong! Now you're single. It's actually secret option number three, you meet her at the gate. That way she knows you love her.

Chandler: Okay, this is good, this is good. All right listen, I have one. Janice likes to cuddle, at night, which, you know I'm all for. But, uh, you know when you want to go to sleep, you want some space. So, uh, how do I tell her that without, you know, accidentally calling her fat or something.

Rachel: Oh honey, I'm sorry we can't help you there, 'cause we're cuddlily sleepers. (Chandler makes an 'Ewww' face) Okay, I'm late for work.

Ross: Oh.

Rachel: All right are you guys gonna come down?

Ross: Uh, yeah, yeah I'll, I'm right behind you.

Rachel: Good luck Chandler.

Chandler: Thank you Rachel.

Ross: Bye sweetie.

Rachel: Bye hon.

Ross: (blows her a kiss) Okay the sleeping thing. Very tricky business, but there is something you can do.

Chandler: Well, I thought you guys were cuddlily sleepers.

Ross: Noo! No, not cuddlily, not me, just her. I'm like you, I need the room. Okay, come here. (they sit on the couch and Ross puts his hands on Chandler's shoulder and thigh.) Okay, you're in bed...

Chandler: Yeah. (they both notice where his hands are)

Ross: I'm gonna use the cushion.

Chandler: Yeah.

Ross: Okay, you're in bed. She's over on your side, cuddling. Now you wait for her to drift off, and then you hug her (demonstrates on the cushion) and roll her back over to her side of the bed. And then you rollll a-way. Hug for her! Roll for you.

Chandler: Okay, the old hug and roll.

Ross: Yep.

Chandler: Okay, one question.

Ross: Shoot.

Chandler: You're pretending the pillow's a girl right?

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is putting jam on his muffin, lots of jam]

Joey: Remember when you where a kid and your Mom would drop you off at the movies with a jar of jam and a little spoon?

Rachel: (Looks at him) You're so pretty.

Phoebe: (entering) Hi!

All: Hey, Phoebe.

Phoebe: Hey, oh, you know that guy who's been following me? I talked to him today.

Joey: (with food in his mouth) You talked to him. Are you crazy?

Phoebe: Okay, first I'm not crazy. And second, say it don't spray it. Anyway his name is Malcom, and he wasn't following me, I mean he was, but 'cause he thought I was Ursula, ick. And, that's why, that's why he couldn't just come up and talk to me. 'Cause of the restraining order.

Chandler: Umm, not feeling better 'bout Malcom.

Phoebe: Ooh! No, no, no, no, he's not like a kook, no. He's just like this, this very passionate, incredibly romantic guy, that got like a tinsy bit carried away, you know. And we just get along really well, and he's so cute.

Ross: Oh my God, you've got a crush on your sister's stalker.

Phoebe: No, I'm just gonna help him, you know, get 'de-Ursula-ized', like you know, like I did for Joey after he went out with her.

Joey: (with his mouthful) Hey, I didn't stalk her. I mean (he sprays Phoebe with crumbs) 

Phoebe: Okay, I asked for the news, not the weather.

Monica: (entering) Hey guys.

All: Hey Mon.

Monica: Joey, this is for you. (gives him a jar of jam) It's blackberry curin.

Joey: Aww. (tastes it) Ohh!

Chandler: Hey, Joe, I gotta ask. The girl from the Xerox place buck naked (holds up one hand), or, or a big tub of jam. (holds up the other hand)

Joey: Put your hands together.

Monica: Joey, take your time with that. That's my last batch.

Joey: No more jam?!

Rachel: Well, what happened to your jam plan?

Monica: I figured out I need to charge seventeen bucks a jar just to break even. So, I've got a new plan now. Babies.

Chandler: Well, your gonna need much bigger jars.

Ross: What are you talking about?

Monica: I'm talking about me having a baby.

Ross: What?

Rachel: Are you serious?

Monica: Yeah. The great thing about the jam plan was, I was taking control of my life. So I asked myself, what is the most important thing to me in the world and that's when I came up with the baby plan. 

Ross: Well, aren't you forgetin' something? What, what, what is uh, what is that guy's name? Dad!

Monica: It took me 28 years to find one man that I wanna spend my life with, if I have to wait another 28 years then, I'll be 56 before I can have a baby, and that's just stupid.

Chandler: That, that's what's stupid.

Monica: I don't need an actual man, just a couple of his best swimmers. And there, there are places you can go to get that stuff.

Rachel: Down at the docks again?

[Scene: Chandler's bedroom, Janice and him are cuddling]

Janice: Night-night Bing-a-ling.

Chandler: Night-night.....Janice. (he starts thinking to him self) 'Look at all that room on her side, you good fit a giant penguin over there. That would be weird though. Okay, hug and roll time. I'm huggin', I'm huggin', your rollin', and....yes! Freedom! (his one arm is still under her) Except for this arm! I'm stuck. Stuck arm! Okay, time for the old table cloth trick, one fluid motion. Quick like a cat, quick like a cat! And 1...2...3!' (Pulls his arm out from under her and she is spun off of the bed.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, Malcom is giving Phoebe all of his spy stuff]

Malcom: Here's my binoculars.

Phoebe: Oh, great. Great. You're doing great, you know real strong. Going strong. Keep going.

Malcom: These are my night vision goggles. This is the book I pretend to read when I'm watching her in the park. And these are Mad Lips, they're just for fun.

Phoebe: Oh, yeah. What's this? (picks up a book)

Malcom: Oh, this is log I kept, recording her every movement. Do you wanna here something from it?

Phoebe: Um, not even a little bit.

Malcom: It's about you.

Phoebe: Oh, okay then.

Malcom: (reading) I met Phoebe today. She was really nice to me eventhough I'm such a loser. And, then when I was walking home I thought about her a lot, it was weird, but kinda cool.

Phoebe: Good. So what were you thinking?

Malcom: I was thinking what it would be like to kiss you.

Phoebe: Really?

Malcom: No.

Phoebe: Oh.

Malcom: See that's just something I said now, so that maybe I could kiss you.

Phoebe: Oh, okay. (he kisses her)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is eating jam straight out of the jar, and Chandler is staring at him in amazement. Joey offers him some.]

Chandler: No, that's all right. I just had a jar of mustard.

Monica: (entering from her bedroom) Okay, sperm donor number 03815, come on down! Okay, he's 6'2", 170 pounds, and he describes himself as a male Geena Davis.

Chandler: You mean there's more than one of us.

Ross: Look, you can't do this Mon. All right, if you do this, I'm, I'm gonna, I'm, I'm gonna.....

Monica: You're gonna what?

Ross: I'm gonna tell Mom.

Rachel: Honey, I'm sorry, but he's right. I love you, but you're crazy.

Ross: Crazy.

Monica: What?! Why? Why is this crazy? So this isn't the ideal way to something....

Ross: (interrupting her) Oh, it's not the ideal way...

Monica: Lips moving, still talking. I mean it may not be ideal, but I'm so ready. No, I-I-I see the way Ben looks at you. It makes me ache, you know?

Joey: Check it out!! Jam crackers!

Monica: Okay, all right, how's this? 27. Italian-American guy. He's an actor, born in Queens. Wow, big family, seven sisters, and he's the only....boy. (they all turn and look at Joey) Oh my God, under personal comments: 'New York Knicks, rule!'

Joey: Yeah, the Knicks rule!

Monica: Joey, this is you!

Joey: Let me see. (goes over and looks at the form) Oh, right.

Rachel: When did you go to a sperm bank?

Joey: Well, right after I did that sex study down at NYU. (to Chandler) Hey, Remember that sweater I gave you for your birthday?

Chandler: And that's how you bought it?

Joey: Noooo, that's what I was wearing when I donated. I'm kinda surprised there's any of my boys left.

Monica: Well, honey, it is pretty competitive. I mean I've got an actual rocket scientist here.

Joey: Maybe, I should call this place and get them to put my 'Days of Our Lives' on here. You know, juice this puppy up a little.

Phoebe: (entering) Hellooo!

All: Hey.

Ross: How's the maniac?

Phoebe: Oh, well he's yummy. We did a little kissin'.

Rachel: Phoebe, what are you doing?

Phoebe: Oh, no, no, no, no. You know what, he's not into that stuff anymore. He quit for me.

Rachel: Pheebs, this guy has been obsessed with your sister, for God knows how long, okay, you don't just give up something like that.

Phoebe: Look, he gave me his night vision goggles and everything.

Ross: You're taking the word of a guy who has night vision goggles?

Phoebe: What, he's not still following her. Do you think he is still following her?

Chandler: Pheebs, wake up and smell the restraining order.

Phoebe: What are you saying I should do?

Monica: I think, that if you really like this guy, you should just trust him.

Phoebe: Thank you, Monica.

Joey: Orrr, you could follow him and see where he goes.

Monica: Oh, that's what I would do, forget mine.

[Scene: Central Perk]

Rachel: Oh my God, what happened? (points to the cast on Janice's wrist)

Janice: Oh. God, crazy Chandler. He spun me...off...the...bed!

Rachel: Wow! Spinning that sounds like fun.

Janice: Oh, (laughs) I wish. No, you know he was just trying Ross's Hug and Roll thing. 

Rachel: (turns around, not amused) Ross's what?

Janice: You know what, where he hugs you and kinda rolls you away and... Oh... my....God.

[Scene: Subway station, Phoebe is following Malcom by finding behind the pillars until she comes up to one with a wire mesh garbage can next to it. Malcom stops and starts walking the other way and passes Phoebe, who quick tries to hide behind the garbage can. But, Malcom sees her.]

Malcom: Phoebe?

Phoebe: Yes? Yes! Oh.

Malcom: What are you doing?

Phoebe: Oh, I was just here looking for, um, my um, my part of an old sandwich. Oh, here it is! Oh. (picks one up out of the garbage can.)

Malcom: Were you following me?

Phoebe: Um, perhaps. Yes! Yes, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I was just afraid that you were still hung up on my sister.

Malcom: So you spied on me. I can't believe you don't trust me. (Ursula walks past, and Malcom finds behind the pillar)

Phoebe: Oh well, what do you know, there goes my identical twin sister. Just walkin' along looking like me. What, is this just like a freakish coincidence, or did you know she takes this train?

Malcom: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I tried to stop, but I couldn't. I'm so pathetic.

Phoebe: No, no, it's not your fault. You know it's partly my fault, 'cause I made you quit cold turkey. Sorry, no. Okay, well, I mean, I can't date you anymore, 'cause your, you know (in a high pitched voice) Wow! But um, but I will definitely, definitely help you get over my sister. Okay, stalk me for a while. Huh? Yeah, and, and, and, I'll be like an Ursula patch.

Malcom: Uh-huh, I don't know.

Phoebe: Yeah, just, okay, look I'm going. Um, come on. Op, op, behind the pillar, which way am I gonna go? 

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering]

Joey: Hey.

Monica: Hey.

Joey: Where you going?

Monica: To the bank.

Joey: Sperm or regular?

Monica: Sperm.

Joey: So you're really doing this, huh?

Monica: Oh yeah, picked a guy, 37135. 

Joey: Sounds nice.

Monica: 'Fraid so. Brown hair, green eyes...

Joey: No kiddin', hmm. 

Monica: What?

Joey: No, I-I figured you would've picked a blond guy.

Monica: Really? Why?

Joey: I don't know, I just always pictured you ending up with one of those tall, smart blond guys, name like.... Hoyt.

Monica: Hoyt?

Joey: It's a name, yeah. I saw you, you know, in this great house with a big pool.

Monica: Really, is he a swimmer?

Joey: He's got the body for it.

Monica: I like that. (Joey starts laughing) What?

Joey: You guys have one of those signs that says: 'We don't swim in your toilet, so don't pee in our pool.', you know.

Monica: We do not have one of those signs.

Joey: Sure you do, it was a gift from me. Oh! And you have these three great kids.

Monica: Two girls and a boy?

Joey: Yeah!

Monica: And, and, and they wear those little water wings, you know. And they're, they're running around on the deck. Then Hoyt wraps this big towel around all three of them.

Joey: Sure! (Monica gets very depressed) But hey, you know this way sounds good too. 

Monica: Yeah.

Joey: Oh Monica. (goes over and hugs her, then looks at the form and stops hugging her.) Wow, this guy's an astronaut. That would've been cool, (sees Monica) for like a day. (hugs her again).

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is finishing off the last of the jam]

Joey: I called the sperm bank today, they haven't sold a single unit of Tribianni. Nobody wants my product. I mean, I-I-I don't get it (tries to drink the rest of the jam out of the jar and gets it all over his face, on his chin, nose, etc.) Maybe if they met me in person.

Rachel: Honey, you got a little thing on your...(points to her whole face)

Joey: (wipes a little jam from the corner of his mouth) Did I get it?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: (entering) Hello. 

Rachel: Hello.

Ross: (sees Joey) Hey. (walks into the living room) Uh, Chan, can I uh, can I talk to you for a second?

Chandler: Sure. What's up?

Ross: Just one uh, one additional relationship thought. Probably something your already familiar with, uh, women talk! (smacks Chandler over the head with a magazine)

End


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The One With The Metaphorical Tunnel

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Written by: Alexa Junge
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen 


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[Scene: Monica and Rachel's: everyone is there and they are watching an info-mercial that stars Joey.]

Host: Welcome everybody, welcome to Amazing Discoveries!

Phoebe: Oh, oh! It's on again!

Joey: You guys, can we please not watch this all right.

All: Shhhh!

Host: Folks, has this ever happened to you. You go to the refrigerator to get a nice glass of milk, (Joey is in the background struggling to open a cartoon of milk) and these darn cartons are so flingin'-flangin' hard to open.

Joey: (on tv) Oh, you said it Mike. (rips open the carton and spills milk on the counter) Aw! There's got to be a better way!

Mike: And there is Kevin.

Joey: Can we please turn this off?

Rachel: Noo way, Kevin.

Mike: There is a revolutionary new product that guarantees that you'll never have to open up milk cartons again. Meet the Milk Master 2000.

Ross: (to Chandler) Are you intrigued?

Chandler: You're flingin'-flangin' right I am!

Mike: Keep in mind, he's never used this product before, you're gonna see how easy this is to do. (to Kevin) Go ahead. ('Kevin' starts using the product, it is a spout that you jab into a paper milk carton so that you don't have to rip it open.) This works with any milk carton.

Joey: (on TV, finishing installing the Milk Master 2000) Wow, it is easy. (starts to poor the milk) Now, I can have milk everyday.

(They all start laughing at him)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, Janice are sitting on the couch, and Phoebe is sitting next to them in the chair.]

Chandler: Well, it's official there are no good movies.

Janice: Well, let's go to a bad one and make out. (they start to kiss and lean back into Monica.)

Monica: Perhaps, you would like me to turn like this, (turns sideways on the couch) so that you can bunny bump against my back.

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Phoebe: Hey.

Chandler: Hey, man. What's up?

Joey: Maybe you can tell me. My agent would like to know why I didn't show up at the audition I didn't know I had today. The first good thing she gets me in weeks. How could you not give me the message?!

Chandler: Well, I'll tell ya I do enjoy guilt, but, ah, it wasn't me.

Phoebe: Yes, it was! It was him! Uh huh! (they all stare at her) Okay, it was me! 

Joey: How is it you?

Phoebe: Well, it was just, it was all so crazy, you know. I mean, Chandler was in the closet, counting to 10, and he was up to 7 and I hadn't found a place to hide yet. I-I-I meant to tell you, and I wrote it all down on my hand. See, all of it. (shows him her hand)

Joey: Yep, that's my audition.

Monica: See, now this is why I keep notepads everywhere.

Phoebe: Yep, and that's why we don't invite you to play.

Janice: What is the great tragedy here? You go get yourself another appointment.

Joey: Well, Estelle tried, you know. The casting director told her that I missed my chance.

Phoebe: That is unfair. I'll call her and tell her it was totally my fault.

Joey: Pheebs, you can't do that. The casting director doesn't talk to friends, she only talks to agents.

Phoebe: What a sad little life she must lead. Okay, ooh (starts dialing). 

Joey: What, what are you doing? What are you doing?

Phoebe: No, no, no, I know, I know, ooh. (on the phone in a different voice) 'Hi, this is Katelynn, from Phoebe Buffay's office. Um, is um, Ann there for Phoebe, she'll know what it's about.'

Joey: Hang up, hang up. (reaches with his good arm, but Phoebe grabs it and he tries to reach the phone with his other arm but can't because of the sling.)

Phoebe: (on phone) 'Annie! Hi. Listen we got a problem with Joey Tribbiani, apparently he missed his audition. Who did you speak to in my office? Estelle, no, I don't know what I'm going to do with her. No. All right, so your husband leaves and burns down the apartment, t