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DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
1X01: PILOT 
------------------------------------------------------------
OPEN ON: [EXT. WISTERIA LANE --- MORNING] 
(A school bus drives up the road. Friendly "Good Morning" are exchanged between neighbors. A woman pushes a baby carriage along, while a car pulls out of a driveway and drives down the road. GABRIELLE jogs past a fence on the sidewalk. 
Pan to: (EXT.YOUNG HOUSE - FRONT YARD) 
(MARY ALICE comes out of her front door and down the porch steps, carrying a basket of flowers. She kneels in front of her flowerbed, and smells a flower, smiling faintly.) 
NARRATOR: My name is Mary Alice Young. When you read this morning's paper, you may come across an article about the unusual day I had last week. Normally, there's never anything newsworthy about my life. That all changed last Thursday. Of course everything seemed as normal at first. I made my breakfast for my family. 
(Cut to: MARY ALICE, carrying a plate of waffles to the breakfast table, where PAUL and ZACH are sitting. She passes the plate to PAUL.) 
MARY ALICE::Here we are. Waffles. 
NARRATOR: I performed my chores. 
(Cut to: MARY ALICE, flipping a switch on the washing machine, and then lifting a basket of clothing off the machine. 
NARRATOR: I completed my projects. 
(Cut to: MARY ALICE, stirring a paintbrush in a can of paint and painting a garden chair) 
NARRATOR: I ran my errands (Cut to: MARY ALICE picking up the dry-cleaning, then retrieving the mail from the mailbox.) 
NARRATOR: In truth, I spent the day as I spend every other day - quietly polishing the routine of my life until it gleamed with perfection. 
(Cut to: MARY ALICE, straightening a photo frames on top of the piano. She sighs with satisfaction, a contented smile on her face.) 
NARRATOR: That's why it was so astonishing when I decided to go to my hallway closet to retrieve a revolver that had never been used. 
(Cut to: MARY ALICE takes a box off a shelf in the closet. Looking worried and distraught, she shakily puts a revolver to her temple. We see a finger pulling the trigger, and a loud shot is heard. The camera stays on the YOUNG family picture, as the blurred reflection of MARY ALICE is shown in the frame of the picture falling to the ground.) 
(Cut to: MRS. HUBER'S HOUSE - KITCHEN) 
(MRS. HUBER's finger dips into a pool of red sauce (resembling blood). She licks the sauce on her finger, as she turns her head towards the YOUNG house, puzzled by the sound she's heard.) 

NARRATOR: My body was discovered by my neighbor, Mrs. Martha Huber, who had been startled by a strange popping sound. Her curiosity aroused, Mrs. Huber tried to think of a reason for dropping in on me unannounced. After some initial hesitation, she decided to return the blender she had borrowed from me 6 months before. 
(MRS. HUBER takes a blender labeled Property of MARY ALICE YOUNG off a shelf, and hurries next door to ring the doorbell. Hearing no answer, she hurries to the side of the house, where she peers inside the window and sees MARY ALICE's dead body lying on the ground, a pool of blood next to her. She screams. We see MRS. HUBER hurry back to her own house.) 
MRS HUBER: (on the phone) It's my neighbor. I think she's been shot, there's blood everywhere. Yes, you've got to send an ambulance. You've got to send one right now! 
(MRS. HUBER hangs up the phone. She stands in the kitchen, lips trembling, fighting tears.) 
NARRATOR: And for a moment, Mrs. Huber stood motionless in her kitchen, grief-stricken by this senseless tragedy. But, only for a moment. 
(MRS. HUBER turns her head sideways, noticing the blender sitting on the kitchen counter. 
She rips the label off the blender, and puts it back on her shelf.) 
NARRATOR: If there was one thing Mrs. Huber was known for, it was her ability to look on the bright side. 
(MRS. HUBER shuts the cupboard door.) 
OPENING CREDITS 
------------------------------------------------------------
CUT TO: [EXT. WISTERIA LANE -- DAY] 
(Residents wearing black clothing and bearing plates and baskets of food are walking towards the YOUNG household) 
NARRATOR: I was laid to rest on a Monday. After the funeral, all the residents of Wisteria Lane came to pay their respects. And as people do in this situation, they brought food. 
(Pan to: LYNETTE, holding a plate of fried chicken with one hand as she walks.) 
NARRATOR: Lynette Scavo brought fried chicken. Lynette had a great family recipe for fried chicken. 
(Flashback to: LYNETTE talking animatedly in a conference room as she points at a projected screen with charts and figures, a room full of corporate businesspeople taking notes or watching as she shows her presentation, smiling with confidence.) 
NARRATOR: Of course, she didn't cook much as she was moving up the corporate ladder. She didn't have the time. 
(Fade to: The doctor's office, where he performs a sonogram on LYNETTE's exposed belly, as LYNETTE lies in a chair watching the screen, laughing with excitement. Her husband, TOM, sits next to her as he watches with amazement at the sonogram, holding LYNETTE's hand.) 
NARRATOR: But when her doctor announced Lynette was pregnant, her husband Tom had an idea. Why not quit your job? Kids do much better with stay at home mums; it was so much less stressful. 
(We see TOM gesturing, talking animatedly as he proposes this idea to LYNETTE, who nods hesitantly in agreement as she looks at him.) 
NARRATOR: But this was not the case. 
(End of flashback. Resume to present.) 
(LYNETTE pushes a baby carriage with her free hand, looking weary. The SCAVO children, Twins PRESTON & PORTER, and the younger brother PARKER, jostle each other as they walk on the sidewalk in front of the carriage, bickering rowdily with each other.) 
NARRATOR: In fact, Lynette's life had become so hectic she was now forced to get her chicken from a fast food restaurant. Lynette would have appreciated the irony of it if she stopped to think about it, but she couldn't. She didn't have the time. 
(LYNETTE pushes in front of the 3 boys, trying to separate them.) 
LYNETTE: Hey, hey, hey, hey! 
(She kneels in front of them with a stern look on her face.) 
LYNETTE: Stop it, stop it, stop it. Stop it. 
PRESTON: But Mom! 
LYNETTE: No, you are going to behave today. I am not going to be humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood. And, just so you know how serious I am... (Reaches inside her top and pulls a folded piece of paper from her pocket) 
PRESTON: What's that? 
LYNETTE: Santa's cell-phone number. 
PORTER: How'd you get that? 
LYNETTE: I know someone, who knows someone, who knows an elf. And if anyone of you acts up, so help me, I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas. You willing to risk that? 
SCAVO kids: Uh-uh! (All shake their heads vehemently) 
LYNETTE: Okay. 
(She tucks the paper back in her pocket, and straightens.) 
LYNETTE: Let's get this over with. 
(The camera pans across the road.) 
(Pan to: EXT. SOLIS HOUSE - FRONT YARD) 
(CARLOS stands outside, hands in his pocket, turning his head to see GABRIELLE come out of the front door, holding a plate in one hand and a bag in the other. She wears a black halter neck dress, black high heels and an expensive diamond necklace. ) 
NARRATOR: Gabrielle Solis, who lives down the block, brought a spicy paella. 
(Flashback to: GABRIELLE, strutting down a runway, wearing a pink dress as she models, the crowd is clapping and many cameras are flashing. The camera pans to CARLOS sitting in the audience.) 
NARRATOR: Since her modeling days in New York, Gabrielle had developed a taste for rich food and rich men. Carlos, who worked in mergers and acquisitions, proposed on their third date. Gabrielle was touched when tears welled up in his eyes. 
(Flash to: GABRIELLE and CARLOS, sitting in a restaurant. CARLOS holds out a ring as GABRIELLE gasps, excitedly hopping up and down in her chair as she agrees, smiling and laughing. We see the gleam of CARLOS�� tears of happiness as he smiles at her.) 
NARRATOR: But she soon discovered this happened every time Carlos closed a big deal. 
(End of flashback. Resume to present.) 
(GABRIELLE walks down the pathway to where CARLOS is waiting, and hands him the plate. 
They start walking together towards the YOUNG house.) 
NARRATOR: Gabrielle liked her paella piping hot. However, her relationship with her husband was considerably cooler. 
CARLOS: If you talk to Al Mason at this thing, I want you to casually mention how much I paid for your necklace. 
GABRIELLE: Why don't I just pin the receipt to my chest? 
CARLOS: He let me know how much he paid for his wife's new convertible. Look, just work it into the conversation. 
GABRIELLE: There's no way I can just work that in, Carlos. 
CARLOS: Why not? At the Donohue party, everyone was talking about mutual funds. And you found a way to mention you slept with half the Yankee outfield. 
GABRIELLE: I'm telling you, it came up in the context of the conversation. 
CARLOS: Hey, people are starting to stare. Can you keep your voice down please? 
GABRIELLE: (sigh) Absolutely. Wouldn't want them to think we're not happy. 
------------------------------------------------------------
CUT TO: [EXT. YOUNG HOUSE - PORCH]. 
(The door opens to BREE's serenely smiling face. We see REX, her husband, behind her, an expression of exasperation on his face.) 
NARRATOR: Bree Van De Kamp, who lives next door, brought baskets of muffins she baked from scratch. Bree was known for her cooking. 
(Flashback to: BREE, sitting at a sewing machine, making clothes.) 
NARRATOR: And for making her own clothes. 
(Cut to: BREE, garbed in work-wear, planting a tree.) 
NARRATOR: And for doing her own gardening. 
(Cut to: BREE, using a hand knife to slice open the cover of a stuffed chair.) 
NARRATOR: And for reupholstering her own furniture. 
(End of flashback. Resume to present.) 
NARRATOR: Yes, Bree's many talents were known throughout the neighborhood. And everyone on Wisteria Lane thought of Bree as the perfect wife and mother. Everyone, that is, except her own family. 
(We see an exasperated REX, and her children - an annoyed ANDREW and a frazzled-looking DANIELLE - behind BREE, the very image of perfection. She carries a basket of baked goods in each hand as she walks up to PAUL and ZACH, looking sympathetic.) 
BREE: Paul, Zachary. 
ZACH: Hello Mrs. Van De Kamp. 
PAUL: Bree, you shouldn't have gone to all this trouble. 
(PAUL extends his hands to take the baskets from BREE, who moves the baskets out of his reach as he tries to take them from her.) 
BREE: It was no trouble at all. Now the basket with the red ribbon (holds up the basket) is filled with desserts for your guests. But the one with the blue ribbon (holds up the other basket) is just for you and Zachary. It's got rolls, muffins, breakfast type things. 
PAUL: Thank you. 
BREE: Well, the least I could do is make sure you boys had a decent meal to look forward to in the morning. I know you're out of your minds with grief. 
(REX, ANDREW and DANIELLE exchange long-suffering glances and mental eyeballing.) 
PAUL: Yes, we are. 
BREE: (beat) Of course, I will need the baskets back once you're done. (Smiling serenely) 
(REX looks with disbelief at his wife.) 
PAUL: (taken back) Of course. 
(BREE walks off with the baskets, leaving the rest of them stunned. REX is literally open-mouthed with disbelief.) 
(Cut to: EXT. MAYER HOUSE - PORCH --- DAY) 
(SUSAN and her daughter JULIE comes out of their front door. SUSAN holds a flat, rectangular dish covered in tin foil. The wind blows the foil off; SUSAN snatches it back and recovers the dish as she and JULIE walk down the pathway. 
NARRATOR: Susan Mayer, who lives across the street, brought macaroni and cheese. Her husband Karl always teased her about her macaroni, saying it was the only thing she knew how to cook, and she rarely made it well. It was too salty the night she and Karl moved into their new house. 
(Flashback to: SUSAN and KARL sitting at their kitchen table, laughing and smiling. JULIE, as a baby, is sitting between them.) 
NARRATOR: It was too watery the night she found lipstick on Karl's shirt. 
(Cut to: SUSAN throws a towel at KARL, who catches it and throws it on the ground, as they yell at each other. JULIE, as a toddler, sits there watching her parents argue.) 
NARRATOR: She burned it the night Karl told her he was leaving her for his secretary.
(Cut to: SUSAN and JULIE at about 13, sits at the table, the macaroni and cheese in the middle, untouched. KARL comes down the stairs carrying suitcases, and leaves via the kitchen door. SUSAN starts crying, as JULIE rubs her arm.) 
(End of flashback. Resume to present.) 
NARRATOR: A year had passed since the divorce. Susan was starting to think how nice it would be to have a man in her life, even one who would make fun of her cooking. 
JULIE: Mom, why would someone kill themselves? 
SUSAN: Well, sometimes people are so unhappy they think it's the only way they can solve their problems. 
JULIE: But Mrs. Young always seemed happy. 
SUSAN: Yeah, sometimes people pretend to be one way on the outside and they're totally different on the inside. 

JULIE: Oh you mean how Dad's girlfriend is always smiling and says nice things but deep down you just know she's a bitch. 
SUSAN: I don't like that word, Julie. But yeah, that's a great example. 
(Cut to: YOUNG HOUSE - LIVING ROOM -- WAKE --- DAY SUSAN and JULIE walk in the front door. SUSAN puts the dish down on the table and takes the tin foil off. JULIE joins the teenage group standing next to the table.) 
JULIE: Hey, what's going on? 
(Cut to: YOUNG HOUSE - KITCHEN -- WAKE --- DAY SUSAN walks in, dumping the tin foil in the bin. BREE, GABRIELLE and LYNETTE are sitting around at the kitchen table. LYNETTE is holding the baby.) 
SUSAN: Sorry I'm late. 
GABRIELLE: Hi Susan. 
LYNETTE: (smiles at SUSAN) Hey. 
(BREE looks up at SUSAN, looking upset. SUSAN takes her place at the table, and looks at the one empty chair in the table, where MARY ALICE used to sit. She picks up the coffee pot, and starts pouring coffee into a mug. We follow the stream of coffee into the mug.) 
(Flashback to: The same stream of coffee being poured into a mug. SUSAN looks up at MARY ALICE, who is pouring coffee into SUSAN'S mug. MARY ALICE sits back down in her seat and puts down the coffee jug.) 
MARY ALICE (to SUSAN) :So? What did Karl say when you confronted him? 
SUSAN: You'll love this, he said it doesn't mean anything, it was just sex. 
(They all groan.) 
BREE: Oh yes, page one of the philanderer's handbook. 
SUSAN: Yeah, and then he got this Zen look on his face, and he said, you know Susan, most men live lives of quiet desperation. 
LYNETTE: Please tell me you punched him.
SUSAN: No, I said, really? And what do most women lead, lives of noisy fulfillment? 
GABRIELLE: (raises her eyebrows) Hmm. 
MARY ALICE: Good for you. 
SUSAN: I mean, of all people, did he have to bang his secretary? I had that woman over for brunch. GABRIELLE: It's like my grandmother always said, an erect penis doesn't have a conscience. 
LYNETTE: Even the limp ones aren't that ethical. 
BREE: This is half the reason I joined the NRA. (SUSAN looks at her.) Well, when Rex started going to those medical conferences, I wanted at the back of his mind that he had a loving wife at home, with a loaded Smith and Wesson. 
MARY ALICE: Lynnie? Tom's always away on business. Do you ever worry he might..? 
LYNETTE: Oh, please, the man's gotten me pregnant three times in four years. I wish he was having sex with someone else. (Smiles) 
BREE: So Susan, is he going to stop seeing that woman? 
SUSAN: I don't know. (Smiles, tearing up) I'm sorry you guys, I just... I just don't know how I'm going to survive this. 
MARY ALICE: Listen to me. (Puts her hand on SUSAN's hand) We all have moments of desperation. But if we can face them head on, that's how we find out just how strong we really are. 
(SUSAN puts her other hand on top of MARY ALICE's hand, smiling at her.) 
(End of flashback. Resume to present.) 
BREE: Susan? Susan. (SUSAN withdraws her hand from the same position from the flashback.) I was just saying Paul wants us to go over on Friday. He needs us to go through Mary Alice's closet, and help pack up her things. He says he can't face doing it by himself. 
SUSAN: Sure, that's fine. 
BREE: Are you OK? 
SUSAN: Yeah. I'm just so angry. If Mary Alice was having problems, she should have come to us; she should have let us help her. 
GABRIELLE: What kind of problems could she have had? She was healthy, had a great home, a nice family. Her life was? - 
LYNETTE: -our life. 
GABRIELLE: No, if Mary Alice was having some sort of crisis, we'd have known. She lives 50 feet away, for god's sakes. 
SUSAN: Gabby, the woman killed herself. Something must've been going on. 
(They all look down and consider this point, as PAUL, unseen, leans against the living room doorway, eavesdropping on their conversation. He sips his drink, looking very shifty and suspicious, like he knows more than he's letting on.) 
(Cut to: YOUNG HOUSE - DINING ROOM -- WAKE --- DAY) 
(Food is set out on the table buffet-style. SUSAN walks into the room, where MIKE is spooning some of SUSAN's macaroni and cheese onto his plate) 
SUSAN: Oh, I wouldn't eat that if I were you. 
MIKE: Why? 
SUSAN: I made it, trust me. (MIKE prepares to take a bite) Hey, hey, do you have a death wish? 
MIKE: No, I just refuse to believe that anybody can screw up macaroni and cheese. 
(MIKE takes a bite of the macaroni, as SUSAN gestures apologetically, smiling.) 
MIKE: Oh my god. (Makes a face) How did you? It tastes like it's burnt and undercooked. 
SUSAN: Yeah, I get that a lot. Here you go. 
(SUSAN gets a tissue and gives it to him, as he spits his mouthful of macaroni and cheese into the tissue.) 
MIKE: Thanks. I'm Mike Delfino, I just rented out the Sim's house next door. 
SUSAN: Susan Mayer, I live across the street. 
MIKE: Oh yeah, Mrs. Huber told me about you, said you illustrate children's books. 
SUSAN: Yeah I'm very big with the under 5 set. (MIKE laughs) What do you do? 
MIKE: Plumber. So if you ever have a clog. Or something. 
SUSAN: (laughs) Now that everybody's seen that I've brought something, I should probably just throw this out. 

(JULIE looks over to see SUSAN and MIKE flirting with each other, smiles. SUSAN takes the dish of macaroni and walks off. MIKE watches her as she leaves. She stops and looks back at MIKE. She smiles, and then continues walking to the next room.) 
(Cut to: INT. YOUNG HOUSE - BACK ROOM WINDOW SEAT -- WAKE --- DAY LYNETTE struggles with the baby, covering it in a blanket. MRS. HUBER hurries up the path, sees LYNETTE through the window and comes in.) 
LYNETTE: (to baby) Ow! Ease up, you little vampire. 
MRS. HUBER: Lynette! I've been looking all over for you. 
LYNETTE: Oh. (Smiles, distracted by the baby) 
MRS. HUBER: Are you aware of what your sons are doing? 
(LYNETTE's smile drops instantly) 
(Cut to: EXT. YOUNG HOUSE - POOL SIDE --- DAY The SCAVO kids are swimming in the pool, splashing, generally making lots of noise. Their nice shoes and clothes are discarded at the poolside.) 
SCAVO kids: Stop. Arrrggggh. Hah! 
(LYNETTE hurries down the path to the poolside holding the baby. She stops at the poolside, appalled at what she sees.) 
LYNETTE: What are you doing!? We are at a wake! 
PRESTON: When we got here, you said we could go in the pool. 
LYNETTE: (crouches down) I said you could go by the pool. Do you have your swimsuits on?? 
PORTER: Yeah, we put them on under our clothes just before we left. 
LYNETTE: You three planned this?? Alright, that's it. Get out! 
PORTER: No! 
LYNETTE: No? I am your mother. You have to do what I say. Come on. 
PRESTON: We wanna swim and you can't stop us. 
(LYNETTE looks around at the whole neighborhood watching, helpless. The SCAVO kids all float in the water, their arms crossed in defiance. Seeing this, LYNETTE raises her eyebrow and sets her face with angry resolve.) 
LYNETTE: (gives the baby to a man standing nearby) Here. 
(LYNETTE steps into the pool, holding her skirt as she walks down the pool steps towards the boys. The boys' mouths drop open in surprise.) 
LYNETTE: Get out. Or I will get in this pool and just grab you, get out! Get over here. Get over here. Get back or I'll kill you. 
((LYNETTE struggles in the pool with the boys, splashing around as the boys try to swim away from her.) 
LYNETTE: That's right, get over here. Go, go, go, ugh. Move it. Out. Get out. 
(PAUL and ZACH walk out by the pool, watching in amazement. SUSAN puts her hands over her mouth with embarrassment, as REX, ANDREW and DANIELLE, laughing in amazement, comes out to watch. The water flies everywhere as LYNETTE struggles to catch hold of her kids. PAUL looks down at his jacket as water splashes onto his suit. LYNETTE manages to grab onto PRESTON's foot, dragging him towards the edge of the pool, as she catches hold of PARKER's foot as well. She manages to pull them up the steps and out of the pool, herself soaking wet. She glares at PORTER floating in the water, who gets out of the pool in a hurry. 
LYNETTE takes the baby from the man, then goes up to PAUL, flustered, as the boys gather their clothes.) 
LYNETTE: Paul. We have to leave now. Once again, I am so sorry for your loss. (to kids) Go! 
(LYNETTE hurries the boys along the path as PAUL watches them leave. He turns, and looks into the pool. The camera moves into the pool, looking up at PAUL as he stares menacingly into the watery depths.) 
NARRATOR: Lynette shouldn't have been so concerned about my husband. He had other things on his mind. Things below the surface. 
------------------------------------------------------------
CUT TO: [EXT. WISTERIA LANE --- DAWN] 
(A newspaper boy on a bike rides along the road, throwing newspapers at each home as he rides by.) 
NARRATOR: The morning after my funeral, my friends and neighbors quietly went back to their busy, busy lives. Some did their cooking. 
(Cut to: INT. SCAVO HOUSE - KITCHEN --- DAY LYNETTE struggles with her kids in her home, as the boys throw cereal around.) 
NARRATOR: And some did their cleaning. 
(Cut to: INT. VAN DE KAMP HOUSE - BATHROOM --- DAY BREE kneels next to the toilet, holding a scrubber, scrubbing the toilet ferociously.) 
NARRATOR: And some did their yoga. 
(Cut to: INT. SOLIS HOUSE - FOYER --- DAY We look out at GABRIELLE, who strikes a yoga stance on a mat in front of her open door.) 
NARRATOR: Others did their homework. 
(Cut to: EXT. WISTERIA LANE --- DAY A soccer ball is kicked high in the air towards a house.) 
(Cut to: INT. DELFINO HOUSE - FOYER --- DAY The sound of a doorbell ringing. The door opens, and MIKE looks out at JULIE, who smiles apologetically.) 
JULIE: Hi. 
(MIKE's dog barks, and MIKE puts a hand on the dog's neck to calm it down. He looks at JULIE.) 
JULIE: I'm Julie; I kicked my soccer ball into your backyard. 
MIKE: Oh, OK. Well, let's go round and get it. (To dog) Stay. 
(Cut to: INT. MAYER HOUSE - SUSAN- WORK STUDIO --- DAY JULIE paces the floor walking back and forth, throwing the soccer ball up and down as she talks. SUSAN is working on her illustrations.) 
JULIE: (to SUSAN) His wife died a year ago, he wanted to stay in LA but there were too many memories. He's renting for tax purposes, but he's hoping to buy a place real soon. 
SUSAN: I can't believe you went over there. 
JULIE: Hey, I saw you both flirting at the wake. You're obviously into each other. Now that you know he's single, you can ask him out. 
SUSAN: Julie, I like Mr. Delfino, I do. It's just, I don't know if I'm ready to start dating yet. 
JULIE: Ugh, you need to get back out there. Come on. How long has it been since you're had sex? (SUSAN's pen halts stroke. She turns to look at JULIE, open-mouthed.) Are you mad that I asked you that? 
SUSAN: No, I'm just trying to remember. (JULIE tilts her head to one side, smiling at SUSAN, who turns back to her drawing.) I don't wanna talk to you about my love life anymore, it weirds me out. 
JULIE: I wouldn't have said anything it's just? 
SUSAN: (turns around to look at JULIE) What? 
JULIE: I heard Dad's girlfriend asking if you'd dated anyone since the divorce, and Dad said he doubted it. (SUSAN looks down at her lap.) And then they both laughed. (SUSAN turns to look at JULIE, mouth open in indignation. That does it.) 
(Cut to: EXT. WISTERIA LANE --- DAY SUSAN, holding a pot-plant, hurries along the road and walks up the steps to MIKE's house to ring his doorbell. We hear the dog bark as MIKE opens the door.) 
MIKE: Hey, Susan. 
SUSAN: Hi Mike. (Smiles) I brought you a little housewarming gift. I probably should've brought something by earlier, but... 
MIKE: Actually, you're the first in the neighborhood to stop by. 
SUSAN: Really? (She laughs) 
NARRATOR: Susan knew she was lucky. An eligible bachelor had moved onto Wisteria Lane, and she was the first to find out. But she also knew that good news travels quickly. 
EDIE: (waving as she walks, holding a dish) Hello there! 
NARRATOR: (slow motion shot of Edie jogging towards MIKE and SUSAN) Edie Britt was the most predatory divorcee in a 5 block radius. Her conquests were numerous.
(Flashback to: EDIE and a workman in her living room. She grabs him, as his toolbox drops on the ground with a crash.) 
NARRATOR: Varied? 
(Cut to: a tennis coach standing behind EDIE in her living room, helping her swing a tennis racquet with her right hand. She turns and kisses him, pushing him onto her couch.) 
NARRATOR: And legendary. 
(Cut to: EDIE, sitting on her couch. She looks up at a priest, and pulls him down on top of her. He yells, his Bible dropping onto the ground.) 
(End of flashback. Resume to present.) 
(EDIE walks up to the porch, pushing her sunglasses onto her head.) 
EDIE: Hi Susan, I hope I'm not interrupting. You must be Mike Delfino. Hi, I'm Edie. Britt. I live over there (points). Welcome to Wisteria Lane. (SUSAN shifts uncomfortably.) 
NARRATOR: Susan had met the enemy, and she was a slut. 
MIKE: Thank you, what's this? 
EDIE: Sausage Puttenesca. It's just something I threw together. (SUSAN looks at her disbelievingly.) 
MIKE: Thanks, Edie. (Laughs) That's great. Uh, I'd invite you both in, but I was sorta in the middle of something. 
SUSAN: (overlapping EDIE) Oh, I'm late for an appointment anyway. 
EDIE: (overlapping SUSAN) Oh, no problem, I just wanted to say hi.
MIKE: Well, thanks. 
(SUSAN and EDIE walk down the steps of the porch, and down the walkway.) 
NARRATOR: And just like that, the race for Mike Delfino had begun. For a moment, Susan wondered if her rivalry with Edie would remain friendly. 
EDIE: (turns suddenly) Oh, Mike. I heard you're a plumber? 
MIKE: Yeah. 
EDIE: Do you think you could stop by later tonight and take a look at my pipes? 
NARRATOR: But she was reminded that when it came to men? Women don't fight fair. 
MIKE: Sure. 
EDIE: Thanks. (EDIE smiles, following SUSAN down the path.) Bye Susan. (SUSAN waves halfheartedly as she walks in the opposite direction towards her home.) 
------------------------------------------------------------
CUT TO: [INT. SOLIS HOUSE -- DINING ROOM --- DAY] 
GABRIELLE: [OS] You can't order me around like I'm a child! 
(GABRIELLE paces the floor, hands on her waist as CARLOS packs his suitcase for work) 
CARLOS: Gabrielle... 
GABRIELLE: No. No, no, no, I'm not going. 
CARLOS: It's business, Tanaka expects everyone to bring their wives. 
GABRIELLE: Every time I'm around that man, he tries to grab my ass. 
CARLOS: (puts his hand on GABRIELLE's shoulder) I made over $200,000 doing business with him last year. If he wants to grab your ass, you let him. 
(CARLOS walks out of the front door and down the porch steps. He stops at the bottom of the steps, and looks sideways to where JOHN is cutting a bush with a pair of gardening shears.) 
CARLOS: John! 
JOHN: (pricks his finger on a rose thorn) Ow. (Turns around to look at CARLOS) Mr. Solis. You scared me. 
CARLOS: Why is that bush still there? I told you to dig it up last week. 
JOHN: I didn't have time last week. 
CARLOS: I don't wanna hear your excuses, just take care of it. 
(GABRIELLE walks out the front door and walks down the porch steps, putting her arms on her waist.) 
GABRIELLE: (to CARLOS) I really hate the way you talk to me. 
CARLOS: (walks up to her) And I really hate that I spent $15,000 on your diamond necklace that you 
couldn't live without. But I'm learning to deal with it. (JOHN sucks his finger, watching the argument) So. Can I tell Tanaka we'll be there tomorrow night? 
GABRIELLE: (turns sideways to look at JOHN) John. We have bandages top shelf in the kitchen. 
JOHN: Thanks, Mrs. Solis. (Walks between CARLOS and GABRIELLE, up the porch steps and into the house.) 
GABRIELLE: (looks at CARLOS coolly) Fine. I'll go. But I'm keeping my back pressed against the wall the entire time. 
CARLOS: (smiles as he walks backwards) See? Now this is what a marriage is all about - compromise. (Turns around and walks towards his car) 



(Cut to: INT. SOLIS HOUSE - KITCHEN/DINING ROOM --- DAY JOHN is putting a bandage on his finger. GABRIELLE walks in the front door and comes up to him.) 
GABRIELLE: Is your finger ok? 
JOHN: Yeah, yeah, it's just a small cut. 
GABRIELLE: Let me see. (Takes his hand, and starts kissing his finger) Mmmm. (She puts her arms around his neck, kissing him as she sliding her hands up his back. JOHN breaks off the kiss, backing off to the other side of the room) 
JOHN: You know, Mrs. Solis, uhh, I really like it when we hook up. (GABRIELLE starts to take off her top slowly) But, um, you know I gotta get my work done, I can't afford to lose this job. (JOHN swallows, watching GABRIELLE as she takes off her shirt.) 
GABRIELLE: (runs her hand over the tabletop) This table is hand carved. Carlos had it imported from Italy. It cost him $23,000. 
JOHN: You wanna do it on the table this time? (Walks towards GABRIELLE) 
GABRIELLE: Absolutely. 
(JOHN takes his shirt off and kisses GABRIELLE, laying her down on the table as they start to get it on.) 
------------------------------------------------------------
CUT TO: [INT. VAN DE KAMP HOUSE - DINING ROOM -- DINNER --- NIGHT] 
(The VAN DE KAMP family is seated, eating silently.) 
DANIELLE: Why can't we ever have normal soup? 
BREE: Danielle, there is nothing abnormal about basil puree. 
DANIELLE: Just once, can we have a soup that people have heard of? Like, french onion or navy bean.
BREE: First of all, your father can't eat onions, he's deadly allergic. (REX glances at BREE sullenly.) And I won't even dignify your navy bean suggestion. So. How's the osso bucco? 
ANDREW: It's OK. (BREE stares at him.) 
BREE: It's OK? Andrew, I spent 3 hours cooking this meal. How do you think it makes me feel when you say it's OK, in that sullen tone? 
ANDREW: Who asked you to spend 3 hours on dinner? (REX stops chewing, looks at ANDREW. DANIELLE looks at BREE.) 
BREE: Excuse me? 
ANDREW: (REX looks back at his plate) Tim Harper's mom gets home from work, pops open a can of pork and beans, and boom, they're eating, everyone's happy. 
BREE: You'd rather I serve pork and beans? 
DANIELLE: Apologize now, I am begging. 
ANDREW: I'm just saying, do you always have to serve cuisine? Can't we ever just have food? 
BREE: Are you doing drugs? 
ANDREW: What!? 
BREE: (angry) Change in behaviour is one of the warning signs, and you have been as fresh as paint for the last 6 months. (looks down) That certainly would explain why you're always locked in the bathroom. 


DANIELLE: (grinning) Trust me, that is not what he is doing. 
ANDREW: (to DANIELLE) (sot to) Shut up. (REX looks embarrassed. BREE glances at REX, then back at ANDREW incredulously) Mom, I'm not the one with the problem here, alright? You're the one always acting like she's running for mayor of Stepford. 
BREE: (looks at REX) Rex. Seeing as you're the head of this household, I would really appreciate you saying something.
REX: (beat) Pass the salt? 
(DANIELLE passes the salt to REX. ANDREW, DANIELLE and REX continue their meal as BREE looks at REX, stunned.) 
------------------------------------------------------------
CUT TO: [INT. SUPERMARKET --- DAY] 
NARRATOR: Three days after my funeral, Lynette replaced her grief with a much more useful emotion - indignation. 
(A frazzled LYNETTE is at the crowded supermarket with her children. The baby is sitting in the cart, as, unseen by LYNETTE, the twins sneak off, pushing the other cart into another aisle as LYNETTE talks on the phone.) 
LYNETTE: (on the phone) Tom, this is my 5th message and you still haven't called me back. Well, you must be having a lot of fun on your business trip. I can only imagine. Well, guess what, the kids and I wanna have some fun too, so unless you call me back by noon, we are getting on a plane and joining you. 
PRESTON: Mom! 
LYNETTE: (glances at PRESTON) Not now, honey, Mommy's threatening Daddy. 
PRESTON: Mom! 
LYNETTE: (turns around as she throws a bottle in the cart.) No, I am not... (She trails off, noticing the twins are gone) Where're your brothers? 
(Cut to ARKER pushing PORTER on the shopping cart in another aisle, putting random items from the shelf in the cart.) 
PORTER: Noodles, my favourite! 
(Cut to YNETTE, followed by PRESTON, pushes the cart out of the aisle, looking around, trying to find the twins. A SHOPPER looks up to see LYNETTE coming towards her.) 
SHOPPER: Lynette Scavo? 
LYNETTE: (sotto) Crap. (looks up, smiling widely) Natalie Klein, I don't believe it! 
SHOPPER: Lynette! How long has it been? 
LYNETTE:Years! Uh, how are you, how's the firm? 
SHOPPER: Good, everyone misses you. 
LYNETTE: Yeah. 
SHOPPER: We all say, if you hadn't quit, you'd be running the place by now. 
LYNETTE: Yeah, well. (smiles, looking down) 
SHOPPER: So?how's domestic life? Don't you just love being a mom? 
NARRATOR: And there it was - the question that Lynette always dreaded. 

LYNETTE: (hesitant) Well, to be honest... 
NARRATOR: To those who asked it, only one answer was acceptable. So, Lynette responded as she always did - she lied. 
LYNETTE: It's the best job I've ever had. (smiling widely) 
(Pan to:A cart comes out of an aisle behind LYNETTE and bumps into an elderly lady, who gasps and falls over. A man hurries to help her up. Sounds of glass breaking are heard as the twins are loudly fascinated by the commotion they're caused. LYNETTE closes her eyes, sighing.) 
------------------------------------------------------------
CUT TO: [INT. SOLIS HOUSE - BEDROOM --- DAY (LATER)] 
(A schoolbus is seen through the open balcony door, driving along the road. GABRIELLE laughs softly offscreen. The camera pans back as we see GABRIELLE and JOHN naked in bed, covered with sheets. She leans across his body and lights up a cigarette. 
JOHN: You know what I don't get? 
GABRIELLE: What? 
JOHN: Why you married Mr. Solis. 
(GABRIELLE raises her eyebrows, blows out a mouthful of smoke and leans on JOHN, stroking his chest.) 
GABRIELLE: Well, he promised to give me everything I've ever wanted. 
JOHN: Well, did he? 
GABRIELLE: Yes. 
JOHN: Then... why aren't you happy? (GABRIELLE takes a drag of her cigarette) 
GABRIELLE: Turns out I wanted all the wrong things. 
JOHN: So. Do you love him? 
GABRIELLE: I do. (sighs) 
JOHN: Well, then, why are we here? Why are we doing this? 
GABRIELLE: Because I don't wanna wake up some morning with a sudden urge to blow my brains out. (kisses JOHN, then takes another drag of her cigarette) 
JOHN: Hey, can I have a drag? 
GABRIELLE: Absolutely not. You are much too young to smoke. (kisses JOHN again) 
------------------------------------------------------------
CUT TO: [INT. MAYER HOUSE - KITCHEN --- NIGHT] 
(SUSAN is fixing her hair in the mirror, nervous. JULIE is sitting at the kitchen table, doing a school project of making a model of the Trojan Horse out of popsicle sticks.) 
SUSAN: (exhales loudly) How would you feel about me using your child support payments for plastic surgery? 
JULIE: Stop being so nervous, you're just asking him out to dinner. It's no big deal. 
SUSAN: You're right. ( Stalling) So, is that your project for school? You know in 5th grade I made the white house out of sugar cubes. 
JULIE: Stop stalling and go. Before Mike figures out he can do better. 
SUSAN: (gapes at JULIE) Tell me again why I fought for custody of you? 
JULIE: You were using me to hurt Dad. 
SUSAN: Oh, that're right. 
(SUSAN kisses JULIE's hair, then opens the kitchen back door to walk outside.) 
SUSAN: Oh god. 
(JULIE smiles, looking back down at her project) 
(Cut to: EXT. MIKE- PORCH - NIGHT SUSAN walks up the steps and rings MIKE's doorbell. He opens the front door.) 
SUSAN: (smiles) Hi. 
MIKE: Hey, Susan. 
SUSAN: Are you busy? 
MIKE: No, not at all, what's up? 
SUSAN: Well, I., I just was wondering, if, um, if there was any chance that, um, you would uh... (Nervous laughter) I just... wanted to ask if... 
(EDIE appears at the door beside MIKE, holding a bottle of beer.) 
SUSAN: (sees EDIE, surprised) Edie. What are you...? 
EDIE: I was making ambrosia, and I made too much so I thought I'd bring some over to Mike. What's going on? 
MIKE: Uh, Susan was just about to ask me something. 
SUSAN: Uh... (Beat) I have a clog. 
MIKE: Excuse me? 
SUSAN: And you're a plumber. Right? 
MIKE: Yeah. 
SUSAN: The clog's in the pipe. 
MIKE: Yeah, that's usually where they are. 
SUSAN: (laughs) Well, I've got one. 
MIKE: Well, let me get my tools. 
SUSAN: Now? You wanna come over now? (Uh oh.) Y-you have company. 
EDIE: I don't mind. (Smiles innocently at SUSAN) 
MIKE: Just give me 2 minutes. I'll be right over. 
(EDIE smirks at SUSAN, then shuts the door. SUSAN lets out a small yelp as she rushes down the porch steps.) 
(Cut to: INT. SUSAN- HOUSE - KITCHEN --- NIGHT SUSAN and JULIE are at the sink, frantically trying to stuff handfuls of hair down the sink.) 
SUSAN: That's it, just stuff the hair down. 
JULIE: I stuffed it; it's not enough to clog it. 
SUSAN: Here, here, look. Put in this peanut butter. And this cooking oil. (Grabs a jar of olives from the counter) And these olives! 
JULIE: Mom, Mom I'm telling you it's not working. 
(The doorbell rings. MIKE is seen through the window outside the kitchen back door. He looks in the window, smiling at SUSAN.) 

SUSAN: Uh, oh god. That's him. How am I gonna stuff up the sink... (Trails off as she and JULIE turn to notice JULIE's miniature Trojan horse sitting on the kitchen table.) 
(Cut to: INT. SUSAN- HOUSE - KITCHEN --- NIGHT (LATER)) 
(MIKE is lying on the ground, looking up at the pipes in the kitchen sink. SUSAN is leaning against the kitchen counter as he works.) 
MIKE: Well. (Takes a bunch of popsicle sticks out of a section of the pipes as he looks up at SUSAN, who tucks some hair behind her ear.) Here's your problem. Looks like somebody stuffed a bunch of popsicle sticks down there. 
(JULIE creeps down the stairs to peer out at them.) 
SUSAN: I've told Julie a million times not to play in the kitchen. (Laughs) Kids, y' know? 
(MIKE laughs understandingly as SUSAN looks up, smiling. JULIE catches SUSAN's eye and glares at her. SUSAN gestures apologetically at JULIE.) 
------------------------------------------------------------
CUT TO: [EXT. SADDLE RANCH CHOP HOUSE --- DUSK] 
(Fade to: Interior of the restaurant, where the VAN DE KAMP families are sitting in a booth as a SERVER has just finished taking their orders.) 
SERVER: Alright, I'll go put in your order. I'll be right back with your drinks and your plates for the salad bar. (Walks away) 
REX: Thank you. 
BREE: Andrew, Danielle, napkins? (Smiles at them) 
ANDREW: They have video games. Can we go play until our food gets here? 
BREE: Andrew. This is family time. I think we should all... 
REX: (interrupts BREE) Go ahead and play. (DANIELLE and ANDREW look at REX, surprised, as they get up and leave.) 
BREE: I know that you think I'm angry about coming here, but I'm not. I mean, the kids wanted a change of pace, something fun. I get it. (Smiles at REX) Probably will want something healthier tomorrow night though, I'm thinking about chicken? 
REX: (interrupts BREE) I want a divorce. (BREE looks at him, stunned) I just can't live in this... this detergent commercial anymore. 
(The SERVER stops beside their table.) 
SERVER: The salad bar's rights over there, help yourself. 
REX: Thank you.(watches as the SERVER walks away) 
BREE: Um. Think I'll go get your salad for you. 
(BREE takes his plate and walks to the salad bar. MRS. HUBER sees her and gets up, following BREE to the salad bar. BREE puts some lettuce leaves on the plate as MRS. HUBER comes up to her.) 
MRS. HUBER: Bree Van De Kamp! 
BREE: (looks up, startled) Oh, hello Mrs. Huber. (Distractedly putting some onions onto REX's salad.) 
MRS. HUBER: Oh we didn't get a chance to talk at Mary Alice's wake. How are you doing? 
(BREE is lost for words, unable to answer as she looks back at REX sitting in their booth, avoiding her eyes.) 
NARRATOR: Bree longed to share the truth about her husband's painful betrayal, but sadly for Bree, admitting defeat was not an option. 
BREE: (smiles at MRS. HUBER) Great. Everything is just great. (Puts some dressing on the salad) 
(Cut to: BREE slides back into their booth, where REX is sitting.) 
BREE: Okay, well, I got you the honey mustard dressing; the ranch looked just a little bit suspect. (Starts cutting the bread as REX sighs, starting on his salad) 
REX: (chews the salad as he watches BREE) Are we gonna talk about what I just said? 
BREE: If you think I'm gonna discuss the dissolution of my marriage in a place where the restrooms are labeled "chicks" and "dudes "(looks up at REX), you're out of your mind. 
REX: (starts to choke, wheezing. He gestures at his salad) What's in this? 
BREE: What do you mean what's in this? It's salad. 
REX: With? (Coughing and wheezing) with onions? 
BREE: What? 
REX: (fighting for breath) You put onions in my salad!! 
(REX slides out of the booth, collapsing on the floor as he pulls the tablecloth, and everything on it, along with him on the ground. BREE stands up, stunned as she watches him collapsed on the floor.) 
BREE: (gasps) No, I didn't! (Realizing) Oh wait? 
------------------------------------------------------------
CUT TO: [INT. YOUNG HOUSE - ZACH'S ROOM --- NIGHT] 
(A sound of a pick awakens ZACH, who slides out of bed, puts on his glasses and looks out the window.) 
NARRATOR: The sound that awakened my son was something he'd heard only once before, many years ago, when he was quite young. 
(ZACH walks along the garden path, towards the sound. He comes to the pool, where PAUL has drained the water, and is digging the rocks and dirt on the bottom with a pick.) 
NARRATOR: But he recognized it instantly. 
(PAUL looks up at ZACH, who watches him, breathing hard. PAUL returns to his task, using the pick to loosen the concrete at the bottom of the pool systematically, lit by only a small light propped up next to him. ZACH just stands at the side of the pool, watching, as we hear the sounds of PAUL grunting as he hacks at the concrete.) 
NARRATOR: It was the sound of family secret.
------------------------------------------------------------
CUT TO: [EXT. WISTERIA LANE --- MORNING] 
(Cut to: INT. SCAVO HOUSE - LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN --- MORNING 
LYNETTE is feeding the baby, trying to coax him to eat pur��ed peaches.) 
NARRATOR: Seven days after my funeral, life on Wisteria Lane finally returned to normal. Which, for some of my friends, was unfortunate. 
(The baby flicks a spoonful of peaches onto LYNETTE's face and shirt. The baby gurgles with laughter. She puts her head in her hands as PARKER appears at the open doorway.) 
PARKER: Mommy, Mommy! 
LYNETTE: (sotto) Now what. 

PARKER: Daddy's home! (LYNETTE turns to look at the doorway, surprised.) 
(TOM appears at the door, holding a luggage bag, PORTER and PRESTON in his arms, PARKER hanging onto his trouser leg.) 
TOM: (laughing) Come on! Is everybody home? 
LYNETTE: Hey, yeah! (Smiling and laughing, she gets up and picks up the baby. She is surprised, happy to see him.) 
SCAVO kids: Yeah, yeah! 
TOM: Hey! 
LYNETTE: I wasn't expecting you for a week! 
TOM: (puts PORTER and PRESTON on the floor as he pats the baby on the head. LYNETTE wipes some of the peach off her face.) I have to go back to Frisco in the morning. When I got your call, you sounded a little frazzled. (Kisses LYNETTE) 
LYNETTE: Yeah! It's been a little rough! 
TOM: Hmm, yeah, peaches. 
PARKER: Daddy, Daddy, did you buy us any presents? 
TOM: Oh god presents. Oh, wait a minute, lemme see. (Takes a rugby ball out of his bag) Ooooh. 
SCAVO kids: Yaaaaayyy! (LYNETTE smiles) 
TOM: But I'm not gonna give it to you, unless you promise me that you're gonna go outside right now and practice throwing for 20 minutes, okay? You promise? 
SCAVO kids: Yeah, yeah, yeah!! (All run outside) 
TOM: Get out! Who's open! Go left! (Throws the ball out the open doorway) 
SCAVO kids: Yeah yeah yeah! 
TOM: Deeper, deeper, touchdown! (throws his arms up in the air) 
(Cut to: TOM and LYNETTE, bursting through the doorway to their bedroom, kissing and giggling) 
LYNETTE: Oh my god, oh my, oh! 
(They collapse on the bed, TOM on top of LYNETTE.) 
LYNETTE: Ooh, you gotta be kidding! I'm exhausted! I look terrible, I'm covered in peaches! 
TOM: Sorry baby, I gotta have you. 
LYNETTE: (rubs her forehead with her hand) Well, is it ok if I just lie here? 
TOM: Absolutely. (Kisses her) 
LYNETTE: (giggles) I love you. 
TOM: I love you more. (LYNETTE giggles as they kiss) 
LYNETTE: Oh wait, I gotta tell you, I was having trouble with swelling, so the doctor took me off the pill, so you're just gonna have to put on a condom. 
TOM: Condom? 
LYNETTE: Yeah. 
TOM: What's the big deal? Let's risk it. 
LYNETTE: (incredulous) Let's risk it? 
TOM: Yeah. 
LYNETTE: Ooh! (Hits him on the face) 
(TOM collapses on the bed, groaning, holding his face. LYNETTE hits him with a stuffed toy.) 
------------------------------------------------------------
CUT TO: [INT. HOSPITAL - REX'S ROOM --- DAY] 
(REX is lying in the hospital bed, watching BREE, who sits a chair next to the bed, avoiding his eyes.) 
REX: I can't believe you tried to kill me. 
BREE: Yes, well, I feel badly about that. I told you, Mrs. Huber came over and I got distracted. It was a mistake. 
REX: Since when do you make mistakes? 
BREE: (laughing) What's that supposed to mean? 
REX: It means I'm sick of you being so damn perfect all the time. I-I-I'm sick of the bizarre way your hair doesn't move. I'm sick of you making the bed in the morning before I've even used the bathroom. (BREE looks incredulously at REX) You're, you're this plastic suburban housewife with her pearls and her spatula, who says things like we owe the Hendersons a dinner? (BREE looks down in at her lap, upset) Where's the woman I fell in love with? Who, who used to burn the toast, drink milk out of the carton, and laugh? I need her. Not this cold perfect thing you've become. 
BREE: (composes herself. She gets up and takes a vase off the table) These need water. 
(BREE walks into the bathroom, putting the vase in the sink and filling it with water. She looks at herself in the mirror, and starts to cry, putting her hand over her mouth.) 
NARRATOR: BREE sobbed quietly in the bathroom for 5 minutes. But her husband never knew. Because when Bree finally emerged, she was perfect. 
(BREE walks out of the bathroom holding the vase, smiling serenely.) 
------------------------------------------------------------
CUT TO:[EXT. SOLIS HOUSE - YARD --- NIGHT] 
(CARLOS kneels on the sidewalk, putting his face close to the grass. GABRIELLE comes out of the front door, all dressed up in an elegant dress, hair curled on her head. She shuts the door and comes down the steps.) 
GABRIELLE: I found my earrings, we can go now. 
CARLOS: Was John here today? 
(GABRIELLE stops short.) 
GABRIELLE: Well, yeah. 
CARLOS: The lawn hasn't been mowed. I've had it; we're getting a real gardener. 
GABRIELLE: Why?? 
CARLOS: Are you deaf? I just said, he's not doing his job. 
GABRIELLE: It's dark; you just can't see that the lawn has been mowed. 
CARLOS: It hasn't been. Feel this grass. 
GABRIELLE: I'm not feeling the grass! Let's just get going, come on! We're late! (walks off towards the car as CARLOS looks closely at the grass.) 
(Cut to: EXT. OUTDOOR PARTY VENUE --- NIGHT) 
(CARLOS walks with GABRIELLE on his arm. The party is filled with elegantly dressed people.) 
CARLOS: (throws his car keys at the valet) Take care of it. 

VALET: Yes, sir. 
CARLOS: There's Tanaka. Time for me to go into my dance. 
GABRIELLE: (smiles) Good luck, sweetheart. (Kisses CARLOS on the cheek.) 
(CARLOS smiles at GABRIELLE and walks away towards TANAKA. GABRIELLE looks around, and stops a WAITER passing by.) 
GABRIELLE: Oh, excuse me. 
WAITER: Ma'am? 
GABRIELLE: You see that man who just walked away? Can you make sure he has a drink in his hand all Night long. (Tucks a folded banknote in his pocket.) 
Waiter: (smiles) Yes, ma'am. 
(GABRIELLE looks around, and hurries off.) 
(Cut to: INT. GABRIELLE'S CAR --- NIGHT (LATER) 
GABRIELLE is driving the car. We see that she's driving back to Wisteria Lane. She parks the car in her driveway, hurries into the open garage door, reappearing pushing the lawn mower. She pushes the machine onto the grass and begins to mow the lawn, tottering along in her high heels and party dress.) 
(Cut to: EXT. OUTDOOR PARTY VENUE --- NIGHT (STILL LATER) 
GABRIELLE hurries back to the party. She sees CARLOS with TANAKA, a drink on his hand, who hasn't even noticed that she'd left. She sighs with relief, running her hand along her hair. GABRIELLE picks a piece of grass from her hair, throwing it over her shoulder hastily. 
(Cut to: EXT. SOLIS HOUSE --- DAY (THE NEXT MORNING) 
CARLOS comes out of the front door and walks down the walkway. He stops and crouches down to run his hand along the mowed grass. Looking puzzled, CARLOS straightens up and continues walking to the car mollified. We pan up to see GABRIELLE watching from the upstairs balcony, sighing with relief as she's successfully covered her affair.) 
------------------------------------------------------------
CUT TO:[INT. SUPERMARKET --- DAY] 
(SUSAN pushes her cart along the aisle. Spotting MRS. HUBER, she tries to sneak past, with no luck. MRS. HUBER notices her.) 
MRS. HUBER: Susan? Susan! 
SUSAN: (smiles) Oh. Mrs. Huber, how you doing? 
MRS. HUBER: Not too well, I'm afraid. I'm trying to find something to soothe my stomach. 
SUSAN: It's upset? 
MRS. HUBER: Yeah, I had the worst macaroni and cheese at the wake, it's been running through my system ever since. 
SUSAN: (sympathetic smile) Oh. 
MRS. HUBER: And I need to be at my best tonight. Edie Britt's son is spending the night tonight. 
SUSAN: (raises her eyebrows) He's spending the night? 
MRS. HUBER: Apparently, Edie is having a gentleman friend over on dinner, and I think she plans on entertaining into the wee hours, if you know what I mean. 

(SUSAN is stunned. She immediately hurries out, leaving her cart in the middle of the aisle while MRS. HUBER is busy browsing.) 
MRS. HUBER: Oh, here's some antacid. Have you ever tried this? (looks up, notices SUSAN is gone) 
(Cut to: INT. SUSAN's HOUSE - KITCHEN ---- NIGHT SUSAN is pacing the floor as JULIE watches her, curled up on the couch.) 
SUSAN: I can't believe it. This can't be happening. Mike can't like Edie better than me, he just can't! 
JULIE: I don't know what's going on. Maybe they're just... having dinner. 
(SUSAN gives her a look.) 
JULIE: You're right. They're doing it. 
(Cut to: EXT. WISTERIA LANE --- NIGHT) 
(SUSAN holds a measuring cup and walks up to EDIE's front porch. She rings the doorbell.) 
SUSAN: Edie? 
(SUSAN walks along the side of EDIE's house, peering in the back door.) 
SUSAN: Edie? Hello..? 
(SUSAN tries the back door and finds it open. Hearing music, she walks in.) 
SUSAN: Anybody home? I need to borrow sugar? 
(SUSAN walks along the corridor, where she picks up a piece of EDIE's discarded clothing. She goes into the living room, where she sees lots of candles lit, glasses of wine and chocolate on the coffee table. The measuring drop drops out of her hand and onto the floor. She picks up EDIE's pink, flowered bra, looking at it as she hears a noise.) 
EDIE: [OS] Oh! Oh my god! 
(SUSAN realizes what EDIE is doing upstairs. Upset, she drops down onto the couch) 
NARRATOR: And just like that, the possibility that Susan had clung onto, the maybe of Mike Delfino was gone forever. And despite the precariousness of the situation, Susan took a moment to mourn her loss. 
(SUSAN throws EDIE's bra behind her, where it catches the flame of the candles. It starts to burn, and lights up the curtain as well. SUSAN picks up a piece of chocolate and eats it. Smelling smoke, she turns around and discovers the curtain is on fire.)  
SUSAN: Oh... Oh! Oh! 
(SUSAN tries to put out the fire with no avail. She throws the leftover wine from the glasses onto the fire, which makes it worse.) 
NARRATOR: It didn't take long for Susan to realize, this was just not her night. 
(SUSAN abandons the scene, and runs out, cutting through the back garden. Meanwhile, EDIE's living room goes up in flames.) 
EDIE: (OS) Is somebody out there? Oh my god, there's smoke! 
------------------------------------------------------------
CUT TO: [EXT. EDIE'S HOUSE ---- NIGHT (LATER)] 
(The house is a burning inferno. The neighborhood has turned out to watch as fire-fighters try and save the blazing house. EDIE, wrapped in a blanket and followed by a fireman, rushes out from behind a fire truck and sees the burning house.) 
EDIE: (teary) Oh my god. Oh... (Leans against the fire truck) 

(We follow SUSAN, as she walks by MRS. HUBER.) 
MRS. HUBER: (in a lowered voice, to neighbor) ...candles unattended in the den. Paramedics say she was lucky, she could've been killed! 
(SUSAN walks up to where LYNETTE, BREE and GABRIELLE are standing together behind the police tape, facing the burning house.) 
LYNETTE: (to GABRIELLE and BREE) She was having sex with some guy when the fire started. 
GABRIELLE: What happened to him? 
LYNETTE: He got smoke inhalation, he's at the hospital. 
SUSAN: Oh.. 
BREE: Susan, are you alright? You look awful.
SUSAN: I'm fine. I'm fine. I just feel really bad for Edie. 
GABRIELLE: Oh, don't worry about Edie. She's a strong lady. 
LYNETTE: Absolutely. She'll get through this. She'll find a way to survive. 
BREE: We all do. 
GABRIELLE: Come on. 
(They all turn around and walk away. BREE, GABRIELLE and LYNETTE go to their respective spouses. SUSAN goes to lean against a police car hood, watching the burning house, arms folded. Suddenly, MIKE walks up behind her.) 
MIKE: Wow, what happened? 
SUSAN: (surprised) Mike! 
NARRATOR: And suddenly, there he was, like a phoenix rising from the ashes. 
SUSAN: I, I thought you were... um. Where were you? 
MIKE: I just got back from the movies. Edie had a fire, huh? 
SUSAN: Yeah. Yeah, but she's fine now. Everything's fine now. 
NARRATOR: And just like that, Susan was happy. Life was suddenly full of possibilities. 
(SUSAN smiles, looking back at the burning house. MIKE looks at her, smiling, as he too turns his head to the house. The camera pans out, showing them standing together from behind, both watching the burning house side by side.) 
(Cut to: INT. MIKE'S HOUSE - ENTRANCE ---- NIGHT) 
NARRATOR: Not to mention a few unexpected surprises. 
(MIKE picks up the phone and dials.) 
MAN: Hello? 
MIKE: Hey, it's me. 
MAN: Do you have anything yet. 
MIKE: No, not yet, but don't worry. I'm definitely getting closer. 
(MIKE pulls a gun out of his pocket, putting it down next to the phone.) 

------------------------------------------------------------
CUT TO: [EXT. MARY ALICE'S HOUSE - FRONT YARD --- DAY] 
(SUSAN, BREE, LYNETTE and GABRIELLE walk down the pathway to the gate, where a car with the trunk open is parked at the kerb.) 
SUSAN: I brought some champagne. I thought we should all have a toast. 
NARRATOR: The next day, my friends came together to pack away my clothes, my personal belongings, and what was left of my life. 
SUSAN: Alright ladies, lift 'em up. To Mary Alice, good friend and neighbor. Wherever you are, we hope you've found peace. 
LYNETTE: To Mary Alice. 
GABRIELLE: To Mary Alice. 
(They clink their glasses together, and drink their champagne. They lower their glasses, and look at each other, remembering. LYNETTE runs her hand across SUSAN's cheek affectionately, then goes to the car trunk as they all break up.) 
LYNETTE: Let's get this show on the road. 
(GABRIELLE holds up a pair of pants from a box on the sidewalk. A piece of paper falls onto the ground.) 
GABRIELLE: You guys check out Mary Alice's clothes? Size 8, hah! She always told me she was a size 6. Guess we found the skeleton in her closet. 
NARRATOR: Not quite, Gabrielle, not quite. 
(BREE picks up the piece of paper.) 
GABRIELLE: What's that? 
BREE: It's a letter, addressed to Mary Alice. 
NARRATOR: How ironic, to have something I tried so desperately to keep secret, treated so casually. 
(GABRIELLE opens up the piece of paper.) 
LYNETTE: What're you doing? That's private. 
GABRIELLE: It's open, what's the big deal? 
(GABRIELLE and LYNETTE read the piece of paper. They pass it to SUSAN, who reads the note with BREE looking over her shoulder: 
I KNOW WHAT YOU DID 
IT MAKES ME SICK 
I'M GOING TO TELL
They look up in shock and amazement.) 
SUSAN: What does this mean? 
LYNETTE: I don't know, but check out the postmark. 
BREE: Oh my god, she got it the day she died. 
GABRIELLE: (takes the envelope, looking at it) Do you think this is why she...? 
NARRATOR: I'm so sorry, girls. I never wanted you to be burdened with this. 
SUSAN: Oh Mary Alice, what did you do? 
(The camera pans out on BREE, GABRIELLE, LYNETTE and SUSAN, looking at each other in amazement.)




DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
1X02: AH, BUT UNDERNEATH 
------------------------------------------------------------
Previously on Desperate Housewives.
(MARY ALICE takes a box off a shelf in the closet. Looking worried and distraught, she shakily puts a revolver to her temple. We see a finger pulling the trigger, and a loud shot is heard. The camera stays on the YOUNG family picture, as the blurred reflection of MARY ALICE is shown in the frame of the picture falling to the ground.) 
(Cut to: ) 
GABRIELLE: If Mary Alice was having some sort of crisis, we'd have known. She lives 50 feet away, for God's sakes. 
SUSAN: Gabby, the woman killed herself. Something must've been going on. 
(Cut to: ) 
GABRIELLE: Every time I'm around that man, he tries to grab my ass! 
CARLOS: I made over $200,000 doing business with him last year. If he wants to grab your ass, you let him. 
(Cut to: ) 
JOHN: Why aren't you happy? 
GABRIELLE: Turns out I wanted all the wrong things. 
(Cut to: ) 
GABRIELLE: What's that? 
BREE: It's a letter, addressed to Mary Alice. 
(GABRIELLE and LYNETTE read the piece of paper. They pass it to SUSAN, who reads the note with BREE looking over her shoulder.)
I KNOW WHAT YOU DID 
IT MAKES ME SICK 
I'M GOING TO TELL
SUSAN: Oh Mary Alice, what did you do? 

------------------------------------------------------------
OPEN ON: [EXT. GRAVEYARD -- DAY] 
(We open on a lily flower planted on the ground of the graveyard. We pan to Mary Alice's freshly buried grave, where we see her tombstone: 
MARY ALICE YOUNG 
11.18.65 - 9.26.04 
Beloved Wife and Mother 
There are two bunches of orangey-red roses on either side of the tombstone.) 
NARRATOR: An odd thing happens when we die. Our senses vanish. Taste, touch, smell and sound become a distant memory. But our sight, ah, our sight expands. And we can suddenly see the world we've left behind so clearly. Of course, most of what's visible to the dead can also be seen by the living, if they only take the time to look. 
(Cut to: GABRIELLE, with her eyes closed, naked as she lies underwater in her bathtub, holding her breath.) 
NARRATOR: Like my friend Gabrielle. I should've seen how unhappy she was. But I didn't. I only saw her clothes from Paris;
(Flashback to: GABRIELLE giggling as she twirls, wearing a beautiful black dress, walking towards CARLOS, who takes her hand and pulls her towards him, kissing her.) 
NARRATOR: And her platinum jewellery; 
(Cut to: GABRIELLE, holding her hair back, excited as CARLOS fastens a necklace around her neck, a piece of paper, presumably the bill! wedged in his mouth.) 
NARRATOR: And her brand new diamond watch. 
(Cut to: CARLOS, handing GABRIELLE an open box as he walks by, talking business on his cell phone. GABRIELLE smiles when CARLOS hands her the box, but the smile fades as CARLOS walks off, still talking on his phone. 
End of Flashback. Resume to present.) 
NARRATOR: Had I looked closer, I've seen that Gabrielle was a drowning woman, desperately in search of a life raft. Luckily for her, she found one. 
(GABRIELLE sits up, smiling as she leans towards JOHN as they kiss.) 
NARRATOR: Of course, Gabrielle only saw her young gardener as a way to infuse her life with a little excitement. But now, she was about to discover just how exciting her life could get. 
(Cut to: CARLOS in his car, pulling in the driveway. We flash between scenes of GABRIELLE kissing JOHN, giggling as CARLOS gets out, holding a briefcase in his hand. As he slams the door, GABRIELLE stops, hearing a noise. She peeks out the window and sees CARLOS walking along the path towards the house.) 
GABRIELLE: Damn it!?(grabs JOHN's arm, pulling him out of the bathroom) Come on. 
JOHN: Whoa! 
(GABRIELLE and JOHN hurry down the stairs, slipping and sliding as they go.) 
GABRIELLE: Come on, come on, hurry! Let's go, let's go! 
(They run into the living room. GABRIELLE grabs the strewn clothes on the floor, shoving them at JOHN.) 
JOHN: Where're the rest of my clothes? 
(CARLOS stops at the bottom of the path, opening the letterbox to get the mail.) 
GABRIELLE: I'll find them, just get out! 
JOHN: Where? 
(GABRIELLE looks around, sees the back windows facing the side garden. She points at the window.) 
GABRIELLE: Out the window. 
JOHN: What? 
GABRIELLE: Go, go! 

(As JOHN tries to get out the window, GABRIELLE looks at the door, panicked as we cut to CARLOS walking up the steps of the front porch. GABRIELLE pushes JOHN out the window, grabbing his towel as she wraps her hair in the towel JOHN was using. She smiles at CARLOS who walks in.) 
GABRIELLE: Hi honey, you're home early! 
CARLOS: My meeting got cancelled. (looks at GABRIELLE as he puts down his things on the table.) You just took a shower this morning. 
GABRIELLE: I, uh, I just finished a workout. 
(GABRIELLE's smile fades as she sees JOHN's jeans in the corner of the couch, luckily hidden from CARLOS's view. She walks towards CARLOS, covering the jeans with a cushion.) 
CARLOS: Mmm. Where's John? 
GABRIELLE: John? 
CARLOS: Yeah. That's his truck out front. 
(GABRIELLE is speechless, her mouth moving, but no sound coming out of her mouth.) 
NARRATOR: Gabrielle was panicked. She knew if her husband discovered her secret, she would feel the full force of his wrath. 
JOHN: Hey Mr. Solis. 
(We pan to the open front window, where JOHN is seen, trimming the hedge with his shears. He is wearing his flannel shirt.) 
CARLOS: Hey, John, did you take care of that ficus yet? 
JOHN: I'll get to it as soon as I've done here. 
CARLOS: Alright. We need to talk about the hedges later. 
(JOHN flashes GABRIELLE a brief, shy smile as GABRIELLE breathes a sigh of relief.) 
NARRATOR: But she was quickly reminded that what Carlos couldn't see, couldn't hurt her. 
JOHN: Yeah, sure, no problem. 
(The camera pans to the outside view, where we see JOHN, wearing only his flannel shirt and nothing else, as he stands on a stepladder, pretending to trim the hedges. Hehe. Yummy.) 

Opening Credits 

------------------------------------------------------------
[OPEN ON:INT. MEYER HOUSE - KITCHEN -- NIGHT] 
(We open to look out the kitchen window, where we see the darkened YOUNG house opposite SUSAN's house. The camera pans to show LYNETTE sitting on the kitchen counter, rubbing her neck with one hand. We then see BREE holding a dishcloth and wiping her hands, her face sombre, as GABRIELLE holds a glass of red wine in her hands. SUSAN is sitting at the table. They are all looking at the kitchen table, where, in front of SUSAN, lays the mysterious warning letter found in MARY ALICE's belongings. The camera cuts to show a face shot of SUSAN, GABRIELLE, BREE, then LYNETTE. They all look solemn.) 
NARRATOR: The peaceful facade of Wisteria Lane had recently been shattered. First by my suicide, and then by the discovery of a note among my belongings that suggested a suspicious reason for my desperate act. My friends gathered to discuss its implications. 

SUSAN: (sighs) I think we should give it to Paul. 
GABRIELLE: He's still mourning, Susan, he'll probably freak out. 
SUSAN: It doesn't matter, she was his wife. He deserves to have all the facts. 
BREE: Well, we could do it gently. We could tell him about it over coffee and pastry. (hands LYNETTE a cup of tea.) 
LYNETTE: (sips the tea) That would be fun. Paul, we have proof your wife killed herself over some deep dark secret. Another ?? 
GABRIELLE: We could always call the police. 
LYNETTE: Maybe it's just some sort of sick joke. 
BREE: Well if it was a joke, it was in very poor taste. 
SUSAN: No, this was serious, I know it was. We gotta find out what was going on. 
LYNETTE: (puts the cup of tea down on the counter and slides off to lean against the counter) Let's say we do. There's a chance we're not gonna like what we find. 
SUSAN: Well, isn't it worse to be in the dark, imagining she did all these horrible things? 
BREE: It's the age-old question, isn't it? (SUSAN looks up at BREE.) How much do we really wanna know about our neighbours? 
(SUSAN looks at GABRIELLE, who looks down at the letter. The camera pans to show the threatening letter.) 
------------------------------------------------------------
[FADE TO:EXT. YOUNG HOUSE -- NIGHT --- LATER] 
(ZACH stands at the bottom of the emptied pool, looking down into a deep, dark hole that PAUL dug up. He looks back at the dark house, where we cut to PAUL staggering into the garage, carrying a large, heavy chest. It looks like it hasn't been opened for a long time.) 
NARRATOR: My friends were right to be concerned. They knew that every family has its secrets. And as my son and husband could've told them, you need to think carefully before digging them up. 
------------------------------------------------------------
[CUT TO: EXT. MEYER HOUSE -- NIGHT --- LATER] 
(We see our four housewives walking towards the gate. They say their farewells, as SUSAN walks back into her house. LYNETTE walks along the left path, GABRIELLE walks along the right path and BREE crosses the street all in four different directions.) 
NARRATOR: After talking for hours, my friends still hadn't agreed on what to do with the note. So, they decided to talk about it in the morning after a good night's rest. But no one could fall asleep that night. They each kept thinking of my suicide, and how terribly alone I must've felt. You see, lonely was something my friend's understood all too well. 
(Cut to: SUSAN, lying awake in her bed as she sighs.) 
(Pan to: GABRIELLE, lying alone in her bed, CARLOS' side empty. She looks frustrated, angry and sad.) 
(Pan to: LYNETTE, who turns her head to the empty side of the bed. Presumably TOM is on another one of his business trips.) 
(Pan to: BREE, who still looks very prim and proper lying in her bed with a proper white, frilly, lacy nightgown. But, it's sleeveless,Sassy. BREE sighs as she looks sideways at the empty side of the bed. We cut to BREE walking down the stairs to the living room, tying the cord of her dressing gown. She stops at the foot of the makeshift bed where REX is lying, back towards the camera.) 
REX: (turns around) It's okay, I'm up. 
BREE: (smiles) Good. I have a question for you. 
REX: (rolls his eyes, and gets up, sitting next to BREE on the side of the bed.) Okay. 
BREE: Do you remember when you proposed? 
REX: For god's sake. 
BREE: We sat on Skyline Drive and drank a bottle of apple wine. And when we finished it, you turned to me and you said, If you marry me, Bree Mason, I promise to love you for the rest of my life. And even though I was engaged to Ty Grant, and even though my father didn't like you, I said yes. 
REX: That was a long time ago. 
BREE: You're gonna cancel the meeting with that divorce lawyer, and we're gonna find ourselves a marriage counsellor. 
REX: Bree, I? 
BREE: (looks crestfallen) You promised. 
REX: Alright. 
BREE: (smiles) Good, I'm gonna go make myself some, uh, warm milk. Would you like something to drink? 
REX: Anything but apple wine. 
[CUT TO:INT. MEYER HOUSE - KITCHEN -- NIGHT --- LATER] 
(SUSAN stands at the kitchen counter, filling a glass filled with water. She takes a sip as she looks out the window. She sees MIKE walking his dog across the road, sighing.) 
NARRATOR: Susan awoke that night alone and parched. And as she gazed out her window, she saw the tall drink of water she needed to quench her thirst. 
JULIE: Dear Diary, Mike doesn't even know I'm alive. 
SUSAN: Shut up. 
JULIE: If you wanna date him, you're gonna have to ask him out. 
SUSAN: I keep hoping he'll ask me out. 
JULIE: How's that going? 
SUSAN: Shouldn't you be making brownies for your nerdy friends? 
JULIE: I can't find the measuring cup. Have you seen it? 
SUSAN: The measuring cup? (flashbacks to dropping the measuring cup in the living room of the BRITT house.) 
JULIE: Yeah. 
SUSAN: Hm. (flashbacks to SUSAN yelping, the living room on fire, then to the firefighters trying to save the burning house.) Uh, well it's gotta be here somewhere. Just keep looking. 
[CUT TO: INT. SOLIS HOUSE - BEDROOM -- NIGHT --- LATER] 
(The bedroom door opens, and CARLOS walks in. He goes to the walk-in closet and takes off his suit jacket. GABRIELLE's eyes are closed.) 

CARLOS: I know you're awake. 
GABRIELLE: I know you're a jerk. 
CARLOS: Dinner with Tanaka ran long, I'm sorry. 
GABRIELLE: (sits up) You know, Carlos, I didn't marry you so I could have dinner by myself 6 nights a week. You know how bored I was today? I came this close to actually cleaning the house. 
CARLOS: Don't be that way. I got you a gift. 
GABRIELLE: Nope. No, no, no, no. you're not gonna buy your way outta this one. 
CARLOS: It's a good gift. (lays on the bed next to her, and tosses the jewellery box next to GABRIELLE.) 
GABRIELLE: Is that white gold? 
CARLOS: Yeah. Put it on. (kisses GABRIELLE's shoulder) And then make love to me. 
GABRIELLE: I'm not in the mood. But, we could stay up and talk. 
CARLOS: (laughs and gets up, walking to the table at the end of the bed) When a man buys a woman expensive jewellery, there are many things he may want in return. For future reference, conversation ain't one of them. 
(GABRIELLE throws the box at him, pissing off. Jerk.) 
CARLOS: Hey, that was a joke. 
GABRIELLE: Yeah, right. (throws the bedcovers back and gets up) 
CARLOS: (catches hold of her by her arms) What the hell's wrong with you? 
GABRIELLE: Let go of me. 
CARLOS: You're been acting like a nightmare for a month. What's wrong? 
GABRIELLE: Stop. 
CARLOS: I can't fix it unless you tell me. 
GABRIELLE: (throws her arms free, and sits back on the bed, sighing) It's not exciting anymore, Carlos. 
CARLOS: (sighs, sits on the bed next to her) So what am I supposed to do? 
GABRIELLE: I don't know. Be the way you used to be, surprise me, take my breath away. 
CARLOS: (sighs) Okay. Okay. 
[CUT TO: EXT. MEYER HOUSE -- DAY] 
(The front door opens, and SUSAN walks out, holding a bag of rubbish. She looks like she literally just rolled out of bed. She stifles a yawn as she opens the rubbish bin at the kerb, stuffing the plastic rubbish bag into it. We see MIKE a little distance away behind her, walking his dog again. He turns at the sound of SUSAN dumping the rubbish.) 
MIKE: Hey Susan. 
SUSAN: (stops short, eyes wide, not turning around) Mike! 
MIKE: What's wrong? 
SUSAN: I didn't realize anyone was gonna be out here, I just sorta rolled outta bed. 
MIKE: I'm sure you look fine. 
SUSAN: Oooh. (fixes herself, then turns around, smiling.) 
MIKE: (pulls Bongo back as the dog starts barking at SUSAN, who looks startled) Ooh, Bongo, Bongo! Shh.. Sorry, uh, he scares easy. 
SUSAN: No, it's fine, I get it. 
MIKE: I didn't mean to disturb you. I'll see you later. (turns around to go) 
SUSAN: Do you wanna have dinner with me? 
MIKE: (turns back towards SUSAN) Just the two of us? 
SUSAN: Heh, well, and Julie. Uh, it's a thing we do when somebody new moves into the neighbourhood, we invite them over for a home-cooked meal. Sort of a tradition. 
MIKE: You said you were a lousy cook. 
SUSAN: Well. I order takeout. 
MIKE: Oh, you invite them over for a home-cooked meal and you order takeout. 
SUSAN: Yeah, it's sort of a new tradition. I'm working out the kinks. 
MIKE: (chuckles) I'll tell you what. How about I cook? And you guys come over to my place. 
SUSAN: Oh. Great. 
MIKE: Friday night at six? 
SUSAN: I'll be there. 
MIKE: Alright. 
SUSAN: (laughs, bending down towards Bongo) Bye, Bongo. 
(Bongo barks at SUSAN, who jumps back, laughing tentatively. SUSAN runs back into the house, excited. JULIE watches her smiling at her mother's obvious excitement. SUSAN bursts into the kitchen door.) 
SUSAN: Julie? Mike Delfino just invited us to dinner Friday night. 
JULIE: He did? Cool. 
SUSAN: But only I'm going. Because you're gonna come down with something semi-serious that requires bed-rest and fluids. (runs up the stairs as she squeals) 
[CUT TO: EXT. BRITT HOUSE -- DAY] 
(EDIE and MRS. HUBER are sifting through the burnt-out shell of the house.) 
NARRATOR: Julie was glad Susan was rekindling her love life. Of course, she was unaware of her mother's recent track record with fire. 
EDIE: It's all gone. Everything my ex-husband's worked for all those years. Gone. 
MRS HUBER: Don't worry about clothing, I already started a collection from people in the neighbourhood. 
EDIE: (picks up a little burnt pot, and puts it in a bucket) What? I don't wanna wear other people's old crap. 
MRS HUBER: Edie, you can be homeless or you can be ungracious. You really can't afford to be both. 
EDIE: (picks up a semi-burnt pink bra, and sighs) That reminds me. My insurance cheque still hasn't come yet. Can I stay with you for a few more weeks? 
MRS HUBER: Of course. What kind of Christian would I be if I denied shelter to a friend in need? (spots SUSAN's burnt measuring cup on the ground)Oh look, here's something we can salvage, your measuring cup. We can just scrape off the burnt part and it'll look good as new. 
EDIE: That's not my cup. Mine was plastic. 

MRS HUBER: Well, how did it get in here? 
EDIE: I don't know. Who cares? Now would you put that down and start looking for jewellery? (MRS. HUBER holds onto the burnt glass measuring cup, looking suspicious.) 
[CUT TO:INT. DR. GOLDFINE'S OFFICE -- DAY] 
NARRATOR: Doctor Albert Goldfine was the most accomplished marriage counsellor in the city. He had dealt with problems ranging from substance abuse, to infidelity, to domestic violence. Yes, Dr. Goldfine thought he had seen it all. And then, he met the Van De Kamp's. 
(DR. GOLDFINE is sitting at his desk, writing when he hears a knock at his office door. He walks over to open it. BREE and REX are standing there. BREE is looking sparkly and happy as usual, while REX looks on, incredulously exasperated.) 
BREE: Hi, I'm Bree, and this is my husband Rex. And I brought you some homemade pot pourri. (She hands him a packet of pot pourri as she walks past him into the office.) 
REX: (pats DR. GOLDFINE on the shoulder) The answer is yes, you're about to make a fortune off us. 
(DR. GOLDFINE looks ambushed. Tee-hee.) 
[CUT TO:INT. SCAVO CAR -- DAY] 
LYNETTE: Boys, guys, I'm begging you, sit in your seats. I'm not gonna tell you again! Buckle up! I mean it, so help me, I'll-(A police motorcycle drives up behind her, siren sounding) Oh .. crap! (She stops the car.) 
OFFICER: (the policeman gets off his bike and walks to LYNETTE's window) License and registration please. (accepts the documents from LYNETTE) Ma'am, you know why I pulled you over? 
LYNETTE: I have a theory. 
OFFICER: Your kids are jumping up and down; they should be sitting, wearing a seatbelt. 
LYNETTE: I yelled at them. They never listen to me, it's very frustrating. 
OFFICER: Well, you're gonna hafta find a way to control them. After all, that's your job. (Walks off back to his motorbike) 
NARRATOR: Though he's been a policeman for 6 years, Officer Hayes had never found himself in a truly dangerous situation. Then again, he had never before told a woman how to raise her children. 
(LYNETTE sits with her hands on the wheel of her car, looking pissed.) 
LYNETTE: (gets out of her car, slamming the door) You saying I'm a bad mother? 
OFFICER: Ma'am, you need to get back in your car please. 
LYNETTE: (slowly walks towards the policeman) I have no help, my husband's always away on business. 
OFFICER: I'm gonna hafta ask you to step back now. (slowly moves his hands towards his weapon) 
LYNETTE: My babysitter joined the witness relocation program. I haven't slept through the night in 6 years. 
OFFICER: Ma'am..? 
LYNETTE: (gets right in the policeman's face) And for you to stand there, and judge me. 
OFFICER: Okay. I'm not gonna give you a ticket. I'm just gonna let you off with a warning. 
LYNETTE: I accept your apology. (takes her license and registration from his hands and gets back in her car.) 
OFFICER: Buckle up! 
[CUT TO: EXT. ROWLAND HOUSE -- DAY] 
(We see someone (JOHN's mum) come out the front door, get in their car and drive off. As soon as the car drives down the road, a car door opens, and a pair of leopard-print high-heels steps out of the car. It's GABRIELLE, who looks around, a little shiftily. She walks,struts across the street. A doorbell is heard, and JOHN opens the door to GABRIELLE.) 
JOHN: (smiles) Mrs. Solis! 
GABRIELLE: Hello Jonathan. 
(Cut to: JOHN and GABRIELLE walk into his room. JOHN closes the door behind them.) 
JOHN: Well, this is my room. Sorry about the mess. 
GABRIELLE: Oh, well, don't... (hesitates as she sees his messy room) worry about it. 
JOHN: You just missed my mom. On Friday she coaches my little sister's soccer team. 
GABRIELLE: (takes a half-eaten sandwich on a plate off JOHN's bed, putting it on his desk) Oh yes, I heard that. Uh, John, we need to talk about what happened the other day. 
JOHN: Mr. Solis isn't starting to catch on, is he? 
GABRIELLE: (sits on the edge of his bed) No, no, he doesn't have a clue, God love him. It's just, I was thinking, that when you come over to garden, you might actually have to garden. 
JOHN: Great, you're breaking up with me. In my own bedroom. 
GABRIELLE: No, no, no, I'm not dumping you. Lately, you're been the only thing keeping me going. It's just, we can't do it at my house anymore. 
JOHN: Oh, so then, where do you wanna do it? 
GABRIELLE: Well, uh, what time does your mom get back from soccer practice? 
JOHN: (smiles a little shyly) Mrs. Solis. 
GABRIELLE: You better hurry, we don't have a lot of time. 
(JOHN rips his shirt off as he walks over to GABRIELLE, laying her down on the bed as he kisses her neck. GABRIELLE catches sight of a picture of a younger JOHN playing baseball next to the bed. She flips the photo down out of sight, then smiles.) 
[CUT TO:INT. DR. GOLDFINE'S OFFICE -- DAY] 
(The camera opens on a recording voice-recorder as we hear BREE talking in the Van De Kamp's therapy session.) 
BREE: And so, there's just the four of us. My oldest son Andrew is 16, Danielle is 15, and?(looks down as she reaches into her purse.)
DR GOLDFINE: (hastily) I don't need to see pictures. Bree, you're spent most of the hour engaging in small talk. 
BREE: (smiles serenely) Oh, have I? 
(REX flashes BREE a sideways glance.) 
DR GOLDFINE: Yes. Rex has been very vocal about his issues. Don't you want to discuss your feelings about your marriage? 
BREE: (shifts uncomfortably, smoothing her hair) Um, Doc,um? 
REX: This is the thing you need to know about Bree. She doesn't like to talk about her feelings. To be honest, it's hard to know if she has any. (BREE looks at REX incredulously.) Does she feel anger, rage, ecstasy? Who knows? She's always pleasant. And I can't tell you how annoying that is. (BREE catches sight of a loose button on DR. GOLDFINE's jacket. She stares at it, lost in thought as REX's words start sounding distorted as she loses concentration in the conversation) Whatever she feels is so far below the surface that.. that no one can see?she uses all those domestic things.
(BREE keeps staring at DR. GOLDFINE fiddling with his loose button as she unconsciously reaches down into her bag, taking out a handy sewing kit.) 
DR GOLDFINE: Bree? Bree. 
BREE: What? I-I'm sorry. 
DR GOLDFINE: Would you like to respond to what Rex just said? 
BREE: Oh, I..(looks lost for words) 
DR GOLDFINE: Is there some truth there? Do you use housework as a way to disengage emotionally? 
BREE: Of course not. (drops the sewing kit back in her bag quickly. Tee-hee. Gotta love the woman.) 
[CUT TO:INT. ROWLAND HOUSE - JOHN'S BEDROOM -- DAY --- LATER] 
(JOHN is laying back in his bed, wearing just his boxers, sighing with contentment. GABRIELLE is sitting at the edge of his bed, putting her earrings back on.) 
JOHN: This is great. I got tons of homework tonight. It's so much easier to concentrate after sex. 
GABRIELLE: I'm glad I could help. Education is very important. 
JOHN: Oh, I got something for you. I was gonna give it to you the next time I mowed your lawn, but since you're here?(gets a single rose from his shelf.) 
GABRIELLE: Oh, it's a rose. 
JOHN: It's not just any rose. Look at all the petals. There's no flaws, it' perfect. 
GABRIELLE: Oh, John. 
JOHN: Just like you. 
NARRATOR: The truth hit her like a thunderbolt. 
JOHN: I spent days looking for this one. Finally found it. 
NARRATOR: For John, this was no longer a meaningless little affair. Gabrielle could now clearly see he was falling in love with her. 
GABRIELLE: (smiles at him) It's just beautiful. I, uh, I gotta go. 
JOHN: Bye.
[CUT TO:EXT. DELFINO HOUSE -- DAY --- LATER] 
(MIKE is getting bags of groceries out of his truck, nudging the door shut. SUSAN runs across his lawn towards him.) 
SUSAN: Hey you. What're we having?(takes a bag of groceries from him) 
MIKE: I talked to Julie, thanks, and she suggested rib-eye steaks. She said it's your favourite. 
SUSAN: Oh yeah, I love my steak. 
(A silver sportscar, maybe Porsche?, drives up and stops at the bottom of MIKE's driveway. EDIE toots the horn.) 
EDIE: Hi Mike. Susan. 
(MIKE walks back down the driveway towards the car.) 
SUSAN: Edie. (sighs as she walks down to join MIKE.) 
MIKE: Hey, I'm sorry about your house. How you holding up? 
EDIE: Alright, I guess. (opens the car door and steps out.) Oh, is somebody having a party? 
MIKE: No, Susan's just throwing me one of her traditional welcome-to-the-neighbourhood dinners. Only I'm cooking. And having it at my house. 
EDIE: (laughs) Traditional. Hm. I didn't get one. 
SUSAN: Oh, it's sort of a new tradition. 
MIKE: Well, it won't be anything fancy, just a little home cooking. 
EDIE: Mmm, that sounds so good. 
NARRATOR: Susan suddenly had an awful feeling in the pit of her stomach. 
EDIE: I've been having nothing but fast food lately. (rummages through MIKE's grocery bags, taking out a grape and eating it seductively, staring at MIKE.) 
NARRATOR: As if she was watching an accident in slow motion. She knew it would happen, but was powerless to stop it. 
(MIKE turns around to look at SUSAN, cocking his head as if to ask if it's okay.) 
SUSAN: Edie, would you like to join us for dinner? 
EDIE: Oh that's so sweet. No, I don't wanna intrude. Three's a crowd. 
MIKE: No, it's not like that. I mean, Susan's bringing Julie. 
SUSAN: It's not like that. The more the merrier. 
EDIE: Well, this'll be fun. 
MIKE: Alright. Tomorrow night. We'll eat at six. 
EDIE: Great. Oh, and Susan. 
SUSAN: Yeah. 
EDIE: This'll make up for the dinner that you never threw me. 
SUSAN: Right. (laughs feebly) 
EDIE: Ha! 
MIKE: I haven't, ah, told her we were having steak. She's not like a vegetarian, is she? 
SUSAN: Oh, no, no. No, Edie's definitely a carnivore. 
(Pan to: SCAVO HOUSE, where MRS. HUBER is standing on the porch. She's peering out onto the road, watching EDIE's silver car drive off as EDIE toots the horn again. LYNETTE comes out of the front door with a box of clothing.) 
LYNETTE: Here's, uh, here's what I pulled for Edie. I should warn you, most of the clothes in there aren't that stylish. 
MRS HUBER: Oh don't worry about it, Edie's a beggar now, which means she can't be a chooser. (sorts through the box of clothing, then pulls out a yellow-and-orange shirt, giving it back to LYNETTE) Of course we don't have to add salt to the wound. 

LYNETTE: Listen, I was just getting dinner ready. 
MRS HUBER: Say no more. I'll get out of your hair. 
LYNETTE: No, no. 
MRS HUBER: By the way, was that you I saw getting pulled over by a policeman? 
LYNETTE: Yeah, the boys were acting up in the car, I couldn't get them to sit down.
MRS HUBER: Young boys can be so wilful. 
LYNETTE: I try everything. I scream, I threaten, I reason, I beg, nothing works. I don't know if it's because they're too young and they don't understand, or if they're just getting some perverse joy out of testing me! (looks frazzled, rubbing her eyes with her fingers) 
MRS HUBER: My mother used to have the worst time with me in the car, so one time when I was acting up, she stopped and left me on the side of the road, and she drove off. 
LYNETTE: You're kidding. 
MRS HUBER: Oh, she came back immediately. But I never misbehaved in the car again. You should try that. 
LYNETTE: Mrs. Huber, I could never leave my kids by the side of the road. 
MRS HUBER: When it comes to discipline, sometimes you must be creative. My mother knew that. Smart lady. Of course she's in a home now, and her mind has just turned to mush. 
LYNETTE: Well, like I said, I should go back and get dinner ready. 
MRS HUBER: Oh right. Well. Goodbye. 
LYNETTE: Goodbye. 
(Pan to: MRS. HUBER walking across the road as she passes by SUSAN, stopping her.) 
MRS HUBER: Susan! Have you been able to find old clothes for Edie? She has nothing to wear. 
SUSAN: I thought that was a look she was going for. 
MRS HUBER: Oh Susan. Edie may be trash, but she's still a human being. 
(MRS. HUBER walks down the road as the camera stops on ZACH standing in the front garden of the YOUNG house, watering the lawn. SUSAN stops, looking at ZACH as she takes the mysterious letter out of her pocket and looks at it.) 
SUSAN: Zach? Is your dad home? I need to talk to him. 
(ZACH opens the YOUNG's garage door, where PAUL is inside, duct-taping the mysterious box shut.) 
SUSAN: Hey Paul. 
PAUL: Hey. (continues securing the box) 
SUSAN: I hope I'm not interrupting. 
PAUL: Actually I was getting ready to go somewhere. 
SUSAN: I just wanted to come by and say hello, you know, see how you guys are doing. 
PAUL: We're trying to move on. It's been pretty tough. 
SUSAN: I can only imagine. Not knowing why Mary Alice? 
PAUL: Why what? (lifts the box off the table, almost dropping it) 
SUSAN: Why she did it. Oh! Let me help you. 

PAUL: I got it, I've got it. (pulls the box away from SUSAN as he heaves it into the open trunk of his car. He shuts the trunk, then goes to the front of the car, opening the driver's seat door.) 
SUSAN: Sorry if I upset you. 
PAUL: Can I be frank? 
SUSAN: Of course. 
PAUL: I don't care what her reasons were. Maybe she was depressed, maybe she was bored. She abandoned her husband and her son. And I'll never forgive her. 
(PAUL gets in the car and shuts the door. He drives off, as SUSAN stands in the driveway, watching him drive away.) 
NARRATOR: As I watched Susan, I couldn't help feeling sorry for her. She wanted so much to know why I did it. 
[CUT TO: EXT. WILDERNESS -- NIGHT --- LATER] 
(PAUL moves the heavy box out of his car trunk, and dumps it into a river. He watches as it floats for a few seconds, then slowly sinks to the dark depths.) 
NARRATOR: Why I killed myself. It's not enough to want the truth. You must know where to look for it. And the truth is elusive, because it knows where to hide. 
[CUT TO: INT. MEYER HOUSE -- AFTERNOON] 
(JULIE is in the kitchen. She opens the back door to MRS. HUBER.) 
MRS HUBER: Hello Julie, I talked to your mom about donating some clothes for Edie. 
JULIE: She's at Mrs. Van De Kamp's, but I'll see if she left some stuff upstairs. 
(JULIE runs up the back stairs. MRS. HUBER walks into the kitchen, sauntering over to peer into the grocery bags. She takes out a perfume spray, spraying some on her neck. She coughs as she puts it back in the bag, then takes out (gasp) a new glass measuring cup. She looks up as a revelation hits her. JULIE comes back down the stairs, stopping at the landing as she sees MRS. HUBER holding the measuring cup.) 
MRS HUBER: Oh Julie. I-I was just, um, just admiring your new measuring cup. 
JULIE: Yeah, we lost ours. (takes the measuring cup back) 
MRS. HUBER: Really. 
JULIE: So I couldn't find the clothes, I'm sorry. 
MRS HUBER: That's okay. 
JULIE: If you want me to keep looking. 
MRS HUBER: No, you've done more than enough. Truly. 
(MRS. HUBER walks out the back door. JULIE stands there, looking like she's thinking "you weird old 
lady."(Tee hee.) 
[CUT TO: INT. DR. GOLDFINE'S OFFICE -- DAY] 
(BREE is sitting in the waiting room of DR. GOLDFINE's office, turning as he opens the door of his office.) 
DR GOLDFINE: Bree, Rex just called, he won't be able to meet you here today. Apparently, there was an emergency at the hospital. 
BREE: Oh. Well, I wish he had called me. (stands up, slinging her bag onto her shoulder as she walks towards DR. GOLDFINE) 
DR GOLDFINE: He suggested maybe you'd like to meet with me by yourself? You've been very quiet in our joint sessions. 
BREE: (again notices DR. GOLDFINE's loose button, distracted) What? Oh, oh, oh no, thank you. I have some things that I, I need to do today. 
DR GOLDFINE: Are you sure? 
BREE: Uh, yeah, I'm sure. 
DR GOLDFINE: Okay. (shuts his office door.) 
(BREE walks out of the office,then turns around decidedly, goes back and knocks on DR. GOLDFINE's office, walking in. DR. GOLDFINE looks up.) 
BREE: Dr. Goldfine. There is something you can do for me. 
DR GOLDFINE: What's that? 
BREE: Take off your coat. (shuts the office door) 
(DR. GOLDFINE looks startled. Hee.) 
[CUT TO: INT. SOLIS HOUSE -- DAY] 
(GABRIELLE and SUSAN walk in the front door, holding many, many shopping bags.) 
GABRIELLE: So now you're taking Julie on your dinner date with Mike? 
SUSAN: Yeah, well, if Edie's gonna be there, I'm gonna need emotional support. 
GABRIELLE: I can't believe she wormed her way in. How did you let her do that? 
SUSAN: I don't know, I was gonna take her out at the knees, but it all happened so fast. 
GABRIELLE: Well, you know what you need to do. You need to get there early, spend a little time with Mike before little barracuda gets there. 
SUSAN: That's a good idea. Edie will get there at 5:45, which means her breasts will arrive at 5:30, so I should shoot for 5. 
GABRIELLE: Attagirl. I'm just gonna take these upstairs. 
SUSAN: I'm gonna keep my one little bag and go home. 
GABRIELLE: Okay. 
SUSAN: That is a beautiful rose. Where did you get it? (leans down to smell the rose) 
GABRIELLE: Oh, John gave it to me. (stops halfway up the stairs, cringing as she says it) 
SUSAN: John? Your gardener, he gave you a rose? 
GABRIELLE: Yes, I am having some new bushes planted outside, and he gave me that as a colour palette. 
SUSAN: Oh. Okay. Sure is beautiful, isn't it? (turns around and walks out the front door) 
GABRIELLE: Yes, it is. 
[CUT TO:INT. DR. GOLDFINE'S OFFICE -- DAY --- LATER] 
(DR. GOLDFINE is leaning against his desk, watching as BREE sews his button back on.) 
DR GOLDFINE: I'm sure Freud would not approve of this. 
BREE: Oh, who cares what he thinks? I took psychology in college, we learned all about Freud. A miserable human being. 
DR GOLDFINE: What makes you say that? 
BREE: Well, think about it. He grew up in the late 1800's, there were no appliances back then. His mother had to do everything by hand, just backbreaking work from sunup to sundown. Not to mention the countless other sacrifices she probably had to make to take care of her family. And what does he do? He grows up and becomes famous, peddling a theory that the problems of most adults can be traced back to something awful their mother has done. (sighs) She must have felt so betrayed. He saw how hard she worked; he saw what she did for him. Did he even ever think to say, thank you? I doubt it. (smiles at DR. GOLDFINE, helping him put his jacket back on.) There you go. 
DR GOLDFINE: Just so you know, many of Freud's theories have been discredited. 
BREE: Good. (smiles, turns to leave) 
[CUT TO: INT. SCAVO CAR -- DAY] 
(LYNETTE is driving, and again, the SCAVO kids are misbehaving. Screaming, yelling, standing up, moving around. Ugh. Devil-kids.) 
LYNETTE: Boys, I am not gonna tell you again, sit. I mean it, I am serious. You guys are gonna be in so much trouble if you don't sit back in those seats. 
(The three kids suddenly go quiet, whispering in each other's ears, giggling maliciously, peering at LYNETTE, cackling. LYNETTE looks back in the mirror, seeing them mocking her.) 
NARRATOR: For the first time, Lynette could see this was not the innocent play of children. She was being challenged. So she decided it was time to get creative. 
(LYNETTE stops the car by the side of the road. She marches the kids out of the car.) 
LYNETTE: Out. Can't behave, you heard me, can't ride. You, out. Move it. 
(LYNETTE gets back in the car, looks at the three noisy kids on the sidewalk and drives off. The kids stand there, watching her drive off.) 
SCAVO KIDS: Where she's going? I don't know. Where's she going? 
(LYNETTE pulls her car into a random driveway.) 
LYNETTE: Okay. (to the baby) Mommy's a genius! Five, six, alright. (spots the empty sidewalk where she left her kids) Uh. Oh! Uhh. I'll be right back, Mommy'll be right back. 
(LYNETTE parks the car and gets out. She looks around the front garden of a house frantically searching.) 
LYNETTE: Boys? Boys? Boys?? If you're hiding, you've gotta stop now cause Mommy doesn't think 
it's funny! 
(A LADY comes out of the front door of the house LYNETTE is searching through.) 
LYNETTE: Oh! Excuse me, I'm sorry, I'm looking for my boys. Three boys with red hair, have you 
seen'em? 
LADY: Yeah, I also saw you drive away and leave'em. 
LYNETTE: I know, I was just trying to scare them into behaving. Did you see where they went? 
LADY: Yeah, yeah, they're in my kitchen. 
(LYNETTE puts a hand over her heart, relieved) 
LADY: Listen, uh, it seems to me that you have some anger management issues. 
LYNETTE: I have 4 kids under the age of six, I absolutely have anger management issues. (tries to go into the house as the woman stops her) 
LADY: Yeah, well I think you need to talk to somebody, because abandoning your children? 
LYNETTE: I-I-I didn't abandon them, I came back! (tries to go into the house again, and the woman stops her.) 
LADY: Yeah, I'm just saying, it's not normal. 
LYNETTE: Well, my kids aren't normal, and now I don't have time for this, lady, so. Boys! Get out here. (tries to go into the house a third time as the woman stops her again.) 
LADY: No, I don't think they should go anywhere until you calm down. 
LYNETTE: Oh. Get in the car. 
PARKER: She's got cookies! 
LYNETTE: Well, bring 'em, we're leaving. 
LADY: Oh, no, no, no. Stay put. 
LYNETTE: Oh, I don't think so. Oh! (tries to go towards her kids as the woman grabs onto LYNETTE's elbow, pulling her back) 
LADY: Listen, lady, you and I are gonna talk. 
PARKER: Leave my mommy alone! 
LYNETTE: Let go of me! What's the matter with you? (one of the kids bites the woman's leg as another pushes her down onto the grass) Run, boys, run! 
(LYNETTE and the kids run towards the car and get in.) 
PORTER: Come on! 
LYNETTE: Oh, crap. 
LADY: (gets back up, running towards the SCAVO's car) You get back here! 
LYNETTE: Boys, you're gonna need to put on your-(turns around as she sees all three boys putting on their seatbelts. She turns around, adjusting her glasses smugly.) 
LADY: Get back, or I'm gonna call Social Services! (watches as the SCAVO's drive off) 
[CUT TO: INT. SOLIS HOUSE -- DAY] 
(GABRIELLE is sitting on the stairwell, looking at the one perfect rose sitting in a glass on the front foyer table. She hears a horn as she gets up and peers out the front door. She gasps as she walks out the door to see CARLOS standing next to a beautiful, sleek black sportscar with a huge red ribbon against the hood.) 
GABRIELLE: Oh, my god. Carlos, what have you done? 
CARLOS: I saw it when I drove by the dealership. I thought, Gabrielle would look so beautiful in this. 
GABRIELLE: Carlos! (pushes him against the chest in excitement as he laughs, sorta evilly.) 
CARLOS: Cost me an arm and a leg. It's got GPS navigation, 200-watt stereo system, rear parking sensors. 
GABRIELLE: God, it's beautiful! 
CARLOS: So, did I take your breath away? 
GABRIELLE: Absolutely! 
CARLOS: Is it the best gift you've ever gotten? 
NARRATOR: Gabrielle could see what this gesture had cost Carlos, so she responded the only way she knew how. 
(GABRIELLE kisses CARLOS as he picks her up. She wraps her legs around his waist as he twirls her around, laughing together.) 
NARRATOR: She had a feeling the truth would've been lost on her husband anyway. After all, it's the rare man who understands the value of a single, perfect rose. 
(We pan to across the street, where JOHN stands with a rake in his hands, looking desolate as he watches the SOLIS' affectionately kissing and laughing together.) 
[CUT TO: EXT. DELFINO HOUSE -- DAY --- AFTERNOON] 
(SUSAN walks decidedly up the walkway and up the porch steps. She gasps as Bosco suddenly gets up from where he's lying by the side of the porch, half-wagging his tail as he growls and barks at SUSAN. She sighs, startled as she rings the doorbell. MIKE opens the door, surprised to see her.) 
MIKE: Susan. 
SUSAN: I hope you don't mind, I thought I'd come by early and help you set up. 
MIKE: Oh, um. 
(EDIE comes from inside the kitchen, coming to stand next to MIKE at the door.) 
EDIE: Hey, Susan. Don't worry, Mike and I have got everything under control. 
SUSAN: Oh. (laughs) 
MIKE: Bongo! I don't know why he barks at you. 
EDIE: Oh, I wouldn't take it personally. Dogs are very sensitive. (goes to Bongo, patting him, rubbing him, looking at SUSAN innocently) What's up, Bongo, huh? You never know what freaks them out, huh? 
NARRATOR: In the distance, Susan thought she heard a bell ring. 
EDIE: Oh, is it a strange noise, huh? What is it? A weird smell? What is it? 
NARRATOR: (A bell sounds) Round one had started. 
[CUT TO:INT. DR. GOLDFINE'S OFFICE -- DAY] 
(DR. GOLDFINE is listening as BREE sits on the couch next to REX, who's talking animatedly.) 
REX: Look, all I'm saying is that this whole it-takes-two-to-mess-up-a-marriage theory is bull. The problems that we have are because of her. 
BREE: (crosses her arms) That is not true, Rex. 
REX: Alright, fine. What have I been doing for the past 20 years that's been so awful? You're not saying anything because I've been a great husband and it kills you to admit that. 
(DR. GOLDFINE looks down, fiddling with his newly-sewn button as REX talks.) 
DR GOLDFINE: Rex, I'm curious. Do you ever acknowledge the benefits of living with Bree? 
(BREE turns slowly to look at DR. GOLDFINE, beginning to see where this is going.) 
REX: Huh? 
DR GOLDFINE: By your own admission, your home is always clean, your clothes are always freshly pressed, sounds like a wonderful cook. Despite her flaws, do you ever remember to say thank you? 
(A slow smile appears on BREE's face as she looks at DR. GOLDFINE, silently thanking him for sticking up for her.) 
REX: Thank you? 

DR GOLDFINE: Yes. (moves his eyes towards BREE, who smiles and looks at REX, who just looks annoyed.) 
[CUT TO: INT. DELFINO HOUSE -- NIGHT --- LATER] 
(MIKE, SUSAN, JULIE and EDIE are sitting at the table, eating. Bongo half-jumps onto the table to lick EDIE's plate.) 
MIKE: Bongo, Bongo, get down, down. 
EDIE: Go on, uh-uh, go on. 
MIKE: Down. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. (to SUSAN) So, um, who's the guy who lives across from Mrs. Huber again? 
SUSAN: Mm, that's Mr. Mullin. And just so you know, if he invites you in, you have to meet all of his pets. 
MIKE: That's okay, I love animals. 
SUSAN: He's a taxidermist. (laughs) 
MIKE: Oh. Okay, thanks for the warning. 
EDIE: (is annoyed at the easy-going camaraderie between SUSAN and MIKE) Isn't Mr. Mullin's brother your divorce attorney? 
SUSAN: Uh, yes, yes he was. 
EDIE: Can I say something? In my heart, I still believe you and Carl are gonna get back together. (winks at JULIE, who looks amused, looking at SUSAN) 
MIKE: Really? 
EDIE: Oh, yeah. I've never seen two people more in love. I mean, she's never gonna find that kind of chemistry with another man. Never! 
(SUSAN smiles, head tilted away from MIKE as she runs a hand through her hair, forcibly smiling) 
NARRATOR: It was everything Susan could do to keep a smile on her face. Round two was under way, and she was already taking a beating. 
JULIE: You know what, Mrs. Britt, do you know who I always liked? 
NARRATOR: What Edie hadn't counted on was Susan had someone else in her corner. 
JULIE: Mr. Rothwell. Your 4th husband. 
EDIE: Oh, he was my 2nd husband. I'vee only been married twice. 
JULIE: Twice? You weren't married to the guy with all the tattoos that they took away in handcuffs? 
SUSAN: No, Julie, she wasn't married to Xavier. That was just one of her special friends. I think we should change the subject, you know, unless you wanna keep talking about it. 
EDIE: (is happily distracted by Bongo jumping up to lick EDIE's plate again) Oh! 
MIKE: Bongo, get down. 
EDIE: Oh wait, wait. Let me show you something. Bongo, Bongo, come! While you were in there tossing the salad, I taught him something. (holds a bit of food up in the air as Bongo jumps up on two feet, reaching for the food as he walks around on two feet) Up! Oh, what a good boy! 
(SUSAN shoots a glance at MIKE, who is watching EDIE and Bongo, laughing and smiling) 

NARRATOR: Susan was furious at Edie for using a dog to ingratiate herself with its owner. She was also furious with Mike for not seeing through this blatant manoeuvre. 
SUSAN: So, you know what? I am gonna go get dessert. (gathers the plates and walks into the kitchen) 
NARRATOR: But mostly, she was furious at herself for not having thought of it first. 
(SUSAN stacks the dirty dishes in the sink. She hears EDIE and MIKE's conversation as they play with Bongo outside, furious.) 
EDIE: You are such a smart boy! 
MIKE: I can barely get him to sit. 
EDIE: You are a good dog. Yes you are! 
MIKE: (laughs) I've never seen him walk on two legs. Look at that! 
EDIE: Well, he knows who to come to, doesn't he? He knows who to come to. 
(SUSAN dips two fingers into the gravy as she smears it across her neck and hands, grinning at her brilliant idea. She comes back out again, holding three plates of strawberry shortcake. ) 
SUSAN: Here's your dessert. 
EDIE: Thank you. Mmm, Mike, this looks yummy. 
(SUSAN moves her hand in front of Bongo's face as Bongo licks SUSAN's hand, then her neck as she bends down.) 
MIKE: Oh, look at that. Looks like Bongo's finally warming up to Susan. 
(EDIE watches, furious as SUSAN laughs and giggles. MIKE watches, laughing as JULIE smiles.) 
SUSAN: Ooh, we just got off on the wrong foot, we're really best buddies now. Oh, what a good boy! (Bongo starts to wheeze, and SUSAN looks at him.) Bongo, are you okay? 
EDIE: What's wrong with him? 
MIKE: I don't know, I've never heard him make that sound. (gets up and bends down next to Bongo, 
who's still wheezing.) Hey, you okay, fella? 
JULIE: Mom? (gestures to SUSAN's ear, where one earring is missing. Uh oh. SUSAN's eyes go wide as she looks at MIKE, who just looks at her crossly.) 
(Cut to: MIKE, holding Bongo as he hurries down his porch steps towards his truck. He puts Bongo on the back seat. EDIE, SUSAN and JULIE come out after him.) 
MIKE: Call the vet, the numbers on the fridge, tell him I'll be right there. 
EDIE: Okay, don't you worry' bout a thing, I'll stay here and get everything cleaned up. 
MIKE: Thanks, Edie. 
SUSAN: Is there anything I can do? 
MIKE: No. 
(EDIE whistles lowly as she goes back inside, shutting the door. SUSAN stands there, looking helpless as MIKE's truck screeches off. JULIE looks worriedly at SUSAN, who gnaws on her lower lip.) 
[CUT TO: INT. VET'S OFFICE --- LATER] 
(MIKE looks up as SUSAN walks into the office, accidentally shutting the door a little too loudly.) 
SUSAN: Hey. 
MIKE: Hey. 
SUSAN: How's Bongo doing? 
MIKE: I'm, uh, just waiting to see if they'll have to operate. 
SUSAN: Oh, god. Uh, I-stopped and I got this, uh. I am just so sorry for this. 
MIKE: I'm really sorry that I snapped at you, I was just so worried. 
SUSAN: Oh no, it's okay. 
(The VET comes out of the inner office.) 
VET: Good news, we won't have to do surgery. 
SUSAN: Oh, that's great. 
VET: Uh, we've given Bongo something to help pass the earring. When he does, would you like us to retrieve it for ya? 
SUSAN: Uh, I'm gonna say no. 
VET: Okay, you should be able to take him home within an hour. 
SUSAN: Wow. You must be so relieved. 
MIKE: I'm sorry, I was just really worried. 
SUSAN: Well, it was your dog, I get it. 
MIKE: Actually, he was my wife's dog, and, uh, one of the last things she said to me in the hospital before she died was to be sure I looked after him, and, um, I promised her I would. 
NARRATOR: And just like that, Susan could suddenly see something she's never seen before. 
MIKE: He, um, meant so much to her. 
NARRATOR: Mike Delfino was still in love with his late wife. 
MIKE: And if, uh, something had happened, I would've felt like I had failed her. I know that sounds stupid. 
NARRATOR: And she knew right then, that neither she nor Edie would be laying claim to his heart anytime soon. 
SUSAN: No, it doesn't. Not at all. 
NARRATOR: So, she decided, for now, she could settle for just being his friend. 
SUSAN: This is for you. No, for Bongo. You give it to him. 
[CUT TO: INT. DELFINO HOUSE --- LATER] 
(EDIE is in the kitchen, still cleaning up as she bustles around the kitchen. She opens the cupboard to put a few bottles of condiments back in, just missing seeing stacks of cash on the cupboard shelf. The camera pans up to see a few maps stuck to the wall, marked with many drawings and markings. We also see a gun sitting on the shelf above, as well as a very detailed map of Wisteria Lane and information about its many residents.) 
NARRATOR: Yes, as I look back at the world I left behind, it's all so clear to me. The beauty that waits to be unveiled, the mysteries that long to be uncovered. But, people so rarely stop to take a look. They just keep moving. It's a shame, really. There's so much to see. 
(The camera pans back down to the wilderness, where somewhere in the depths of the forest, the mysterious chest PAUL dumped into the river floats back up the surface.)




DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
1X03: PRETTY LITTLE PICTURE 
------------------------------------------------------------
ANNOUNCER: Previously on Desperate Housewives, Susan took dating tips from her 12 year old daughter. 
JULIE: If you wanna date him, you're gonna have to ask him out. 
SUSAN: I keep hoping he'll ask me out. 
JULIE: How's that going? 
(Cut to: ) 
ANNOUNCER: Bree accidentally poisoned her husband. 
REX: I can't believe you tried to kill me. 
BREE: Yes, well, I feel badly about that. 
(Cut to: ) 
ANNOUNCER: Lynette indulged in creative parenting. 
LYNETTE: If any of you acts up, I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas. 
(Cut to: ) 
GABRIELLE: I really hate the way you talk to me. 
CARLOS: And I really hate that I spent $15,000 on your diamond necklace. 
ANNOUNCER: While Gabrielle indulged in the company of her gardener. 
(Cut to: GABRIELLE, pushing a half-naked JOHN out the window, as CARLOS walks in the house.) 
GABRIELLE: Hi honey, you're home early. 
(Cut to: ) 
ANNOUNCER: And everybody's wondering? 
(Cut to: SUSAN, holding the mysterious note 
I KNOW WHAT YOU DID 
IT MAKES ME SICK 
I'M GOING TO TELL
SUSAN: Oh Mary Alice, what did you do? 
ANNOUNCER: Why their best friend just killed herself. 
BREE: How much do we really wanna know about our neighbours? 
(Cut to: MIKE, putting down a gun on his side table. 
Cut to: The mysterious chest PAUL dumped in the river floating up to the surface.
ANNOUNCER: Everyone has a little dirty laundry. 
(Fade out) 
OPEN ON: [INT. CREMATORIUM -- NIGHT] 


(We open on MARY ALICE, lying in a coffin. A coffin cover, with a label "MARY ALICE YOUNG" is slid over the top. A hand turns a nob, and we see cogs turning as a furnace is opened, and the coffin slides into the furnace.) 
NARRATOR: After I died, I began to surrender the parts of myself that were no longer necessary. My desires, beliefs, ambitions, doubts, every trace of my humanity was discarded. I discovered when moving through eternity, it helps to travel lightly. In fact, I held on to only one thing - my memory. 
[CUT TO: EXT. WISTERIA LANE -- NIGHT] 
(We pan down on the peaceful Wisteria Lane at night, where everyone is fast asleep in their houses.) 
[PAN TO: INT. VAN DE KAMP HOUSE -- NIGHT] 
(We pan to BREE lying in bed awake, drumming her fingers.) 
NARRATOR: It's astonishing to look back on the world I left behind. I remember it all, every single detail. Like my friend, Bree Van De Kamp. 
(Flashback to:MARY ALICE at BREE's house, talking animatedly as BREE walks in with an easy smile, holding a dish in her hands.) 
NARRATOR: I remember the easy confidence of her smile.
(Cut to:BREE standing at the head of the table, where REX, PAUL and MARY ALICE are sitting. They watch as she drizzles some alcohol over a dish, and lights it on fire.) 
NARRATOR: the gentle elegance of her hands. 
MARY ALICE: Wow. 
(Cut to:MARY ALICE and PAUL leaving, as they say their goodbyes at the front door.) 
NARRATOR: the refined warmth of her voice. 
BREE: Bye. 
NARRATOR: But what I remember most about Bree? 
BREE: Rex, wasn't that a lovely?(Her smile fades as she sees REX walking off, completely ignoring what she's saying.)
NARRATOR: was the look of fear in her eyes. 
(End of flashback. 
Resume present) 
NARRATOR: Bree had started to realize her world was unravelling, and for a woman who despised loose ends, that was unacceptable. 
(BREE looks at the clock, which reads 5:35 am. She gets out of bed, and goes downstairs. We see her wearing a robe, bending over REX, sleeping downstairs on the couch. She shakes him awake.) 
BREE: Rex, Rex! You need to get up! 
REX: It's not even light out. 
BREE: Please hurry, if the kids see you sleeping down here, they're gonna start asking questions. (takes REX's blanket off him.) 
REX: Let'em ask, I don't care anymore. 
BREE: Well, I care. (pulls his pillow out from underneath his head.) They don't need to be burdened with our marital problems, and if we're working things out, the least we could do is try to keep up appearances. 
REX: (rolls his eyes) Oh yeah, appearances. I keep forgetting about appearances. 
BREE: Oh Rex, you look so tired. 
REX: Ah, I didn't sleep. This damn thing is so uncomfortable. 
BREE: Well, why don't you move back upstairs and sleep in our bed? 
REX: We're in marriage counselling, Bree, I think that would confuse things. 
BREE: It's just-I miss you. 
REX: I know you do. Of course, if I don't get some sleep pretty soon, I'll be forced to move back upstairs out of sheer exhaustion. (goes upstairs) 
(BREE waits till he moves out of sight, then goes to a cupboard and takes out a pair of pliers. She flips one corner of the mattress up, and cuts one of the wires in half. She bends both sides up so they are vertical. She tests how sharp it is with one finger, then pulls the mattress back on top of the sofa-bed, dusting her hands off and sighing with satisfaction. Teehee. Evil Bree rocks.) 
NARRATOR: Yes, Bree was afraid of many things. But if there was one thing she wasn't afraid of, it was a challenge. 

Opening Credits

OPEN ON: [EXT. WISTERIA LANE -- MORNING] 
(We pan on our Wisteria Lane, at the crack of dawn. The street lights are still on, and there's a paper boy on a bike, throwing papers onto the lawns.) 
NARRATOR: The day on Wisteria Lane began like any other, with a cup of coffee and the morning paper. 
[CUT TO: INT. SCAVO HOUSE - KITCHEN] 
(We see LYNETTE sitting at the kitchen table, the twins sword-fighting next to her as she reads the business section of the paper.) 
LYNETTE: Just give me a second-5 minutes. 
NARRATOR: And while Lynette read the business section- 
[PAN TO: INT. SOLIS HOUSE - DINING ROOM] 
(GABRIELLE sits at her dining table, holding a cup up in her right hand, as her maid pours coffee into the cup. She is engrossed in reading the paper, held by her left hand, the style section.) 
NARRATOR: And Gabrielle studied the fall collections-
[PAN TO: INT. VAN DE KAMP HOUSE - DINING ROOM] 
(BREE sits at the dining table, reading the section of the paper. She fiddles with the flower arrangement in the middle of the table in front of her.) 
NARRATOR: And Bree searched for decorating ideas.
[PAN TO: INT. MEYER HOUSE - KITCHEN] 
NARRATOR: Susan scanned the front page and saw something that caught her eye. 
(SUSAN and JULIE are sitting at the kitchen table. SUSAN reads the front page of the paper, taking a bite of a muffin. JULIE wipes something off SUSAN's face, then goes back to eating her cereal, reading a book open in front of her. SUSAN suddenly stops, as the camera pans to look at the paper. It reads: 
The Fairview Herald 
October 15, 2004
She looks up, then gets up and goes to a calendar hanging on the wall. She flips open to October, where we see a post-it note, reading Mary Alice dinner stuck on the 15th and 16th dates. She rips it off.) 
[CUT TO: EXT. SCAVO HOUSE -- MORNING] 
(SUSAN steps over toys lying scattered everywhere on the ground and front porch. She goes to the front door of the house, and knocks on the window pane on the door. The door opens to
(Flashback to: MARY ALICE opening the door.) 
MARY ALICE: Well, it's about time. 
SUSAN: Be nice, I come bearing snacks. (holds up a bag of chips and a bag of pretzels, walking in the door as MARY ALICE follows her into the kitchen table, where LYNETTE, BREE and GABRIELLE are gathered.) 
BREE: Lynette, these cards are sticky. 
LYNETTE: I know. Preston used the three of diamonds to scoop jam out of the jar. 
GABRIELLE: Gorgeous, thankful we have 49 cards to play with. 
SUSAN: Hello, sorry I'm late. 
LYNETTE: Hey. 
MARY ALICE: So, Susan, I was just telling the girls I wanna throw a dinner party. 
SUSAN: Really? 
MARY ALICE: Yes, I mean, how long have we all lived on this street? We've never done a big group thing. 
BREE: I think it's a great idea. 
MARY ALICE: Paul never likes to have people over. Well, to heck with him, I'm doing it. 
SUSAN: So when is this shindig? 
MARY ALICE: How about a month from tonight? That would be the 16th, good for everyone? 
LYNETTE: Yeah. 
SUSAN: Yeah. 
BREE: Works for me. Should we all make something? 
MARY ALICE: Oh no, no. This is my party. I've been wanting to have everyone over for years. Oh I'm so happy we're finally doing this. It's gonna be so much fun. 
(End of Flashback. Resume to present.) 
(LYNETTE opens the door.) 
LYNETTE: Hey! (SUSAN holds up the post-it note) I know, our dinner. 
[CUT TO: EXT. WISTERIA LANE -- MORNING] 
(BREE, LYNETTE, GABRIELLE and SUSAN are standing outside on the street, next to a large tree. GABRIELLE passes the note along back to SUSAN, who holds it up.) 
SUSAN: How could we have all forgotten about this? 
LYNETTE: We didn't exactly forget, it's just usually when the hostess dies, the party's off. 
BREE: Lynette! (puts her hand over her heart) 
LYNETTE: I'm not being flip, I'm just pointing out a reality. 
GABRIELLE: Mary Alice was so excited about it. So sad. 
SUSAN: I think we should go through with it. 
BREE: Really? Wouldn't that be in poor taste? 
SUSAN: No, it's sort of a way to honour Mary Alice. It was so important to her. 
GABRIELLE: We could all use a fun night. 
BREE: Well, good, because I have some new flatbread that I've just been dying to show off. 
SUSAN: Lynette? 
LYNETTE: I'm in. 
BREE: I'll make braised lamb shanks. 
LYNETTE: I'm still in. 
BREE: So how many will I be cooking for? 
GABRIELLE: 7. Three couples and Susan. Does that sound right? 
SUSAN: No, it sounds very, very wrong. 
GABRIELLE: Awww. (puts a hand on SUSAN's shoulder) 
BREE: Is there somebody you'd like to invite? 
(MIKE runs past, stops a distance away from SUSAN as he sees her, all sweaty and panting. SUSAN smiles at him, waving as he smiles back, waving, then keeps running.) 
SUSAN: I have an idea. (they all smile) 
[CUT TO: INT. SOLIS HOUSE -- MORNING] 
CARLOS: A dinner party. Honey, I may be working late. The Dillman proposal's a complete mess. 
GABRIELLE: No, you promise to be home every night this week. 
CARLOS: I'm trying, but I can't guarantee anything. This is business! 
GABRIELLE: Says the prince as he rides off into the sunset. Boy did the movies ever get that wrong. 
CARLOS: You know what your problem is? You're very tense. Should go to a spa, go shopping. Find a way to relax. 
(GABRIELLE smiles slyly as he walks out the door. She picks up the phone and dials a number. Our view of GABRIELLE moves to the right, as the left side of the screen opens up to JOHN in class, picking up his phone.) 
JOHN: Hello? 
GABRIELLE: Where are you? 
JOHN: Algebra. 
GABRIELLE: You free at 4? 
JOHN: I'm not sure, I got track after school. 
GABRIELLE: Well, get here as fast as you can. My husband says I need to relax. 
JOHN: You, uh, want me to keep my gym clothes on, like last time? 
GABRIELLE: If you would. Please. (They both smile) 
[CUT TO:INT. SCAVO HOUSE - KITCHEN] 
(TOM sits at the kitchen table as LYNETTE does the laundry.) 

TOM: A dinner party? 
LYNETTE: Yeah, it'll be fun. Bree's cooking, everyone's coming. 
TOM: You know what? I haven't even had a chance to unpack yet, honey. I just, uh, I just need to chill out for the next few days. 
LYNETTE: Oh. Tom. There'll be liquor. And hors d'oeuvres. And grown-ups without children. And, and silverware. Remember silverware? 
TOM: Honey, can you take this in for me? (hands LYNETTE a camera) 
LYNETTE: (takes the camera from him) Have you heard anything I just said? 
TOM: Yeah, honey, I'm sorry. I'm just, I'm wiped out. Three cities in 6 days, my head is just pounding. I'm not ready for a dinner party. 
LYNETTE: I already got a sitter. 
TOM: Can you cancel her? (LYNETTE makes a shocked sound) Please? Look, let's just stay in tomorrow night. We can get a bottle of wine, and rent a video, and I just wanna hang out with my best gal. That's all. 
LYNETTE: I was looking so forward to a night out. 
TOM: I know, sweetie, I'm sorry, but I, I'm beat. I mean, do you remember what it's like to work a 60- hour week? (tosses a pair of socks into the laundry basket LYNTTE is holding and gets up, grabbing his briefcase and walking away.) 
(LYNETTE just stands there, looking at him as he walks away.) 
[CUT TO: INT. VAN DE KAMP HOUSE - KITCHEN] 
REX: A dinner party? Do I have to go? 
BREE: Well, given that we're hosting it, I say so. By the way, you won't be drinking at this party. 
REX: Why's that? 
BREE: Because when you drink, you get chatty. No one needs to know that we're seeing Dr. Goldfine. 
REX: You know, if you spent half as much time working on our problems as you do covering them? 
BREE: Not a drop! 
REX: You know, this-this is ridiculous! This whole thing about us taking tennis lessons. 
BREE: Well, the nurses at your office may start wondering why you're disappearing three times a week. Tennis lessons are a plausible alibi. (hands REX a lunch bag) 
REX: So these tennis lessons we're taking. How we doing? 
BREE: My backhand's improving immensely, but you're still having problems with your serve. 
REX: Of course. 
[CUT TO: EXT. MEYER HOUSE -- MORNING] 
KARL: A dinner party? 
SUSAN: It's tomorrow night, so if you could just keep Julie an extra day. 
KARL: Fine, but that's all. Brandy and I leave Sunday for a week up at the cabin. 
SUSAN: What cabin? 
KARL: Brandy wanted someplace where we could get away. (turns to wink at BRANDI) 

(BRANDI is leaning against the red car, drinking from a can. She waves back, smiling at KARL.) 
KARL: Escrow just closed yesterday. 
SUSAN: You can afford a cabin, but you can't scrape up child support? 
KARL: The cheque is in the mail. 
SUSAN: (opens the mailbox and looks in) Uh, no, it's not! 
JULIE: (comes out the front door) I found my dental guard. I'm ready. 
(JULIE looks at KARL and SUSAN, who both look down awkwardly.) 
JULIE: Stop fighting. 
SUSAN: We are being as nice as we possibly can to one another. 
JULIE: Like I said, stop fighting. (gives SUSAN a kiss as she walks to KARL's car) 
(BRANDI throws her drink can towards the rubbish bin. She misses, and it rolls to the ground in front of SUSAN.) 
SUSAN: Excuse me. Brandy. (points at the can) Do you mind? 
BRANDI: Oh. Okay. 
KARL: Uh, Susan. You're right there, you can pick it up. 
SUSAN: I could, but she's the one who threw it. 
KARL: Come on, don't be petulant. Just pick up the stupid can. 
(JULIE looks at KARL, seeing what's coming as it's about to escalate.) 
SUSAN: No. 
JULIE: I can pick it up. 
SUSAN: Honey, stay out of this. 
KARL: Fine. (walks towards SUSAN, about to pick up the can) This is so typical. 
SUSAN: (kicks the can against KARL's legs) Oh, sorry. Was that petulant too? 
KARL: You know what? Pick up the damn can yourself. 
SUSAN: Yeah, well you just go to hell. (picks the can against the car, which rolls down the driveway and stops at MIKE and Bongo's feet.) 
MIKE: You want me to pick it up? (grins at SUSAN) 
SUSAN: Uh-(gestures helplessly) 
[CUT TO: INT. YOUNG HOUSE - DINING TABLE] 
(ZACH and PAUL are sitting at the table. PAUL is reading the paper.) 
ZACH: Mrs. Formington said she looked for Mum's obituary, couldn't find it. Did you put one in? 
PAUL: (sighs) I've had other things on my mind, Zach. 
ZACH: But how could you not do that? People will think we didn't care about her. 
PAUL: I doubt people will give it much thought. Don't worry about it. 
ZACH: You never talk about her. She hasn't been dead a month, and it's like you totally forgot she ever existed. 
PAUL: It's a little early for this kind of talk. 
ZACH: Maybe when you die, I won't put in an obituary. 

PAUL: That will be your choice to make. Assuming you outlive me. 
[CUT TO: INT. SOLIS HOUSE - DINING ROOM] 
(GABRIELLE is on the phone with her mother. She picks up a glass of orange juice from the dining table.) 
GABRIELLE: Mum, it's no big deal. Carlos and I will drive in for the baptism. Problem solved. (hears a tap on the front door, and goes to open the door for JOHN) Okay. Fine. You go with Aunt Maria, and I will take Nana to church. (whispers to John) Take your clothes off. Uh huh. I gotta go, Mum. Yes, right now. Okay. Uh, you can give me directions later. Bye. (puts down the phone) Hi, how was school? 
JOHN: Got an A minus on my biology exam. 
GABRIELLE: You did. Well, let's see what you've learned. (Gasps as she looks at the front door to see a little girl peering at her and JOHN kissing) 
JOHN: Who's that? 
GABRIELLE: I don't know. (goes towards the front door as the little girl runs away) Hey! You! 
[CUT TO: EXT. SCAVO HOUSE] 
(LYNETTE and SUSAN are getting out of the car, retrieving some shopping from the back seat and trunk.) 
LYNETTE: So did Mike say anything?
SUSAN: No, but god, you should've seen the look on his face. 
LYNETTE: I'm sure it's not that bad. He's coming to the party, right? 
SUSAN: I left three messages. Oh, he's not gonna come. Big surprise. I did everything but foam at the mouth. God, I hate when I get that way. It's like every time I get within 10 feet of Karl, I just become this monster. 
LYNETTE: You know what, it's not gonna change until you resolve your issues with that man. 
SUSAN: What, you mean forgive him? 
LYNETTE: Yeah. 
SUSAN: You know, I've lived with this bitterness so long, I think I'd be lonely without it. 
LYNETTE: Honey. Get a pet. See ya. (looks through a stack of photos, stopping at one.) Son of a-? 
(Cut to: LYNETTE throwing a photo of TOM at a Mexican party with two other men, in front of TOM) 
TOM: It's a business meeting! 
LYNETTE: It's a frat party. 
TOM: Regional manager, corporate manager, head of sales. 
LYNETTE: Margarita, cigar, sombrero. 
TOM: Ooh, look, honey, what do you want me to do? Sit around the hotel the whole time, watching cable? 
LYNETTE: No! But when I say, we've been invited to a party, don't whine about your exhausting 60-hour week. Put on your dancing shoes, and take the mother of your children out for a good time. 
TOM: Fine, you know what? Let's go to that party. (goes to the fridge, and takes out a pack of jelly and a spoon) 
LYNETTE: Can't, I already cancelled the sitter. 
TOM: Okay, well we'll throw the next one. 

LYNETTE: Throw a dinner party? I don't even have time to wash my face. No, you know what? I'm gonna go to this one. You can stay home and babysit the kids. 
TOM: Fine. I can handle that. (puts the spoon in his mouth as he tries to open the jelly pack) 
(LYNETTE watches as TOM fiddles around with the jelly, unable to open it. She walks over and takes it from him, opening it with one swift pull. She walks off.) 
TOM: Thank you. 
[CUT TO: EXT. WISTERIA LANE] 
(GABRIELLE is driving around in her black car with the top down. She pulls into her driveway to see CARLOS crouching in front of the little girl. They shake hands and talk as GABRIELLE gets out and walks over to CARLOS.) 
NARRATOR: Gabrielle spent her morning searching for the mysterious little girl. Sadly for her, the mystery was solved a bit too quickly. 
GABRIELLE: Hey! What's going on? 
CARLOS: Have you met Ashley? 
Neighbour: Found it! (walks up with a ball in her hands) 
CARLOS: Babe, this is Sheila Bukowski, our new neighbour. They just moved into the Miller's old house. 
SHEILA: My daughter just left her ball in your yard. I'm so sorry. 
GABRIELLE: Oh, oh, no problem. Nice to meet you, Ashley. 
SHEILA: She's shy, she doesn't say much. 
CARLOS: Yeah, well I can see her little mind working away. (laughs) 
SHEILA: Nice meeting you. Come on, Ashley. 
[CUT TO: INT. YOUNG HOUSE - GARAGE] 
(Zach goes into his garage at his house. He goes to a shelf, moving a box off and setting it down on another bench. He spots a small white box behind it, and takes it out, opening the box. He slowly takes out a gun, the one his mother used to kill herself. He looks at it.) 
[CUT TO: INT. DR. GOLDFINE'S OFFICE - COUNSELLING ROOM] 
(BREE and REX are sitting on the couch in front of DR. GOLDFINE.) 
BREE: Private sessions? I don't understand, why do we need private sessions? 
DR. GOLDFINE: Private sessions allow us to work on the personal issues of both partners. 
BREE: Oh, well I don't have any personal issues. My only issue is that my husband wants to leave me, and how can I work on that if he's not in the room? 
REX: There are things I need to discuss with Dr. Goldfine, and I can't have you there. 
BREE: Why? I'm your wife, you can say anything in front of me. All we need is a few more sessions, and I'm sure we can. 
REX: Dammit, Bree! A few more sessions isn't gonna fix us. This is bigger than that. 
(BREE looks at REX, crestfallen.) 
DR. GOLDFINE: Why don't we do it this way? Rex, you can take the first half hour. Bree, you can take the second. 
BREE: Fine. Oh, and Doctor. If what he's about to discuss has anything to do with adultery, prostitution or internet pornography, I would really appreciate you taking a moral hardline. (gets up, holding a tennis racket, and walks out to the waiting room.) 
[CUT TO:EXT. WISTERIA LANE - SIDEWALK] 
(ASHLEY is sitting on the sidewalk, drawing with chalk on the sidewalk as GABRIELLE walks up to her tentatively.) 
GABRIELLE: Hi, Ashley. Remember me? We met earlier? 
(ASHLEY looks up at her, bored, then looks back down at her drawing.) 
GABRIELLE: Wow, aren't you the little artist. What are those, flamingos? 
ASHLEY: (sullenly) No. 
GABRIELLE: (taken aback) Well, they're very pretty. It almost looks like they're kissing. Funny thing about kissing. It's not just for husbands and wives. Sometimes we kiss our mum, or our grandpa. Sometimes we even kiss our dog. Sometimes we even kiss people who are just our friends. Kinda like, a hi-five on the lips. Right? (holds up her hand for a hi-five. When ASHLEY doesn't respond, she laughs awkwardly) Hey, Ash. I was at the mall, and I saw this. Thought you might like it. She's Hawaiian. Her name is Princess Kahaluia. And, and I think it means Little Waterfall- Or Big Pond-or something. 
(ASHLEY looks at the doll, then puts it on her lap as she continues to draw) 
GABRIELLE: Okay! So we're good. Right? 
(ASHLEY looks at GABRIELLE again, with an I-don't-believe-you expression on her face. Heh.) 
GABRIELLE: Okay. Well, you enjoy your new girlfriend. And if there's anything else you need, you just let me know. (turns to walk away) 
ASHLEY: What I'd really like, is a bike. 
[CUT TO: INT. YOUNG HOUSE - LIVING ROOM] 
(Paul walks into his darkened living room. He goes to the fridge and opens it, looking inside. Suddenly, he hears a clicking noise. He turns to see Zach sitting on the floor against the couch, holding the gun, turning the empty barrel of the gun. Paul walks over and switches on the table lamp. He looks at ZACH.) 
PAUL: Where did you find that? 
ZACH: She used this to kill herself. Why would you keep it? Why?! 
PAUL: Because I thought we might need it someday. 
ZACH: For what? 
PAUL: Protection. 
ZACH: I wanna talk about Mum. 
PAUL: You need to take your medication.
ZACH: We are going to talk about Mum! 
(There is a knock at the door. They both look at the door, then back at each other. ZACH puts a finger to his lips, mouthing as he goes to the door. He cracks it open to see BREE standing outside.) 
BREE: Hello Zach! I hope this isn't a bad time. 
ZACH: What can I do for you, Mrs. Van De Kamp? 
BREE: Well, I wanted to invite you and your father to a dinner party tomorrow night. 
ZACH: I'm not sure where he is right now. 
BREE: Oh. Well, I'm sorry it's such late notice, but well, we weren't sure whether you and your father were ready for any kind of social engagement yet. But, well, we're, we're sort of throwing it in your 
mother's honour. 
ZACH: Really? 
BREE: Yes, it's just gonna be a casual night with the gang. We're going to eat, and tell fun stories about your mum. (her smile falters as she sees ZACH looking grief-stricken and disturbed) Zach, are-are you okay? 
PAUL: (appears at the door next to ZACH) Hello, Bree. 
BREE: Oh hi, Paul, I was just? 
PAUL: I heard. Thank you, we already have plans for tomorrow. (takes his hand off ZACH's shoulder and moves it down his back to take the gun from where ZACH is holding it behind his back) 
BREE: Oh. That's too bad. Well, I should go. 
ZACH: Thank you. Mrs. Van de Kamp. 
BREE: For what, Zach? 
ZACH: For remembering my mum. 
NARRATOR: That night, Paul gave his son something to calm his nerves. 
(PAUL has his hand on ZACH's shoulder, and pulls him inside, shutting the door.) 
[CUT TO: EXT. SOLIS HOUSE] 
(GABRIELLE opens the car trunk, and moves a bike out to put in front of a waiting ASHLEY.) 
NARRATOR: And the next day, Gabrielle calmed her own nerves by giving something to her new best friend. 
GABRIELLE: Here you go. Top of the line, free speed, aluminium frame, handlebar ribbons, and a bell. And you'll notice it's royal blue to match your pretty little eyes. 
ASHLEY: My eyes are green. 
GABRIELLE: Yeah, well, you'll be cruising so fast on this, no one will even notice. (gives ASHLEY a helmet and props the bike up on the sidewalk) It's all yours, hon. Have fun. (notices ASHLEY isn't moving) What? What's wrong? 
ASHLEY: I don't know how to ride a bike. 
GABRIELLE: What? Well, then why did you ask for one? 
ASHLEY: (shrugs her shoulders) Why can't you show me? 
GABRIELLE: (laughs) Sure, one of these days. 
ASHLEY: What's wrong with now? 
[CUT TO:INT. MEYER HOUSE - STUDY] 
(SUSAN sits at her work desk, flipping through a photo album. We see many picture, where KARL's head is cut out of all the photos.) 
NARRATOR: After her talk with Lynette, Susan decided to take a look at her old photo album. And she began to see herself in a whole new light. And the picture wasn't flattering. 

(SUSAN sighs, picking up the phone and dialling a number. We hear KARL's voice mailbox message, yeah, you got Karl. Leave a message. followed by a beep.) 
SUSAN: Hey Karl, it's me. I was hoping you'll be there. Um, listen, we need to talk. So, maybe when you drop Julie off tomorrow, we could have a moment. It's important. Give my best to-Brandy. Call me. 
NARRATOR: Susan was proud of herself. She was finally ready to let go of her anger. Well, almost. 
(SUSAN slides the cut-out head of KARL from underneath one of the pictures. She holds it up, looking at it for a moment until she starts scrunching the head together between her fingers.) 
[CUT TO: INT. SCAVO HOUSE - KITCHEN] 
(We hear one of the boys yelling for LYNETTE in the background. LYNETTE is wearing a robe with curlers in her hair, and a mask on her face. TOM goes to the fridge and takes out a sports drink.) 
LYNETTE: The boys will be hungry at 5:30, so put the fish sticks in the toaster oven at 5 o' clock-
TOM: -for half an hour. Honey, I know, this is the third time you've told me. 
LYNETTE: Well, if the food's late, god help you.
TOM: Beautiful, I don't need a pamphlet. It's not brain surgery. They're just kids, for god's sake. (goes up the stairs) 
LYNETTE: Preston, would you come here? 
PRESTON: Yeah?
LYNETTE: Sweetie, you know our rule about eating cookies, right? 
PRESTON: Yeah, we can't have'em after 5, cause sugar makes us hyper. 
LYNETTE: Yeah, but tonight, anything goes. (gives PRESTON a box of animal cookies) Make sure you share with your brothers. 
PRESTON: Thanks Mum! (goes up the stairs) 
(LYNETTE fixes her curlers, looking proud of herself) 
[CUT TO: EXT. WISTERIA LANE] 
(We see GABRIELLE tottering along in her heels, as she helps ASHLEY riding along in her bike.) 
GABRIELLE: Don't look at your feet. Don't look at your feet, look at the road. Look at the road. Ow. Uh, okay, find your balance. Find your balance. Okay, it's all you. It's all you, you're doing great! Okay, stay to the right. Watch the car. Watch the car. Watch the car! (ASHLEY veers to the right of the car, narrowing missing the car, but falling off the bike) Oh god. (runs towards ASHLEY, helping her up) Are you okay? 
ASHLEY: Yeah. Let's go again. 
GABRIELLE: (panting) Oh honey. These heels don't have another block in them. 
ASHLEY: What about tomorrow? 
GABRIELLE: Well, you won't be around tomorrow, 'cause you have school. 
ASHLEY: I'm home-schooled. I'm always around. 
NARRATOR: It was in that moment that Gabrielle realized this ride was far from over. 
[CUT TO:EXT. MEYER HOUSE - PORCH] 
(We hear a doorbell ring. SUSAN runs to the door with a towel wrapped around her body.) 

SUSAN: I'm coming! (opens the door to KARL) Karl, what are you doing here? I asked you to come tomorrow. 
KARL: You said you wanted to talk, it sounded important. 
SUSAN: Tomorrow! I'm in a towel! 
KARL: We were married 14 years, I know what's under there. Come on. (walks into the house) 
SUSAN: I'm not really ready for this, I was gonna have a whole speech prepared. 
KARL: Brandy and I have plans tomorrow. I suggest you wing it. 
SUSAN: Oh. Um, okay. Here's the thing, Karl. I was thinking about what happened in the driveway yesterday. And I just don't wanna, I don't wanna live like this. I don't wanna be that kind of person. And I just thought, if the two of us had a nice calm-I need an apology, Karl. 
KARL: A what? 
SUSAN: An apology. For the way you ended our marriage. You never took any responsibility for your behaviour. 
KARL: I don't know what to say, Susan. The heart wants what it wants. 
SUSAN: What does that mean? 
KARL: I fell in love. 
SUSAN: While you were married to someone else! (gesturing to herself) 
KARL: The heart wants what it wants. 
SUSAN: Yeah, well, my heart wants to hurt you, but I can control myself. 
KARL: I don't wanna go back to that ugly place, really, and if you do, I suggest you get some help. (walks outside) 
SUSAN: (follows him outside, still wearing just the towel) You know what? I don't need an apology. I 
don't need anything from you. 
KARL: You're humiliating yourself. (gets in the car) 
SUSAN: (opens the passenger side door, and bends down to talk to him) No, you're the one who's been humiliating yourself, Karl, why don't you see that? You walked out on your family. People think you're scum, not me. So worry about yourself, I'm okay with me. I can walk down the street and walk my head high. (shuts the passenger side door of KARL's CAR as he drives off, pulling the towel off SUSAN) 
(SUSAN is appalled, and quickly runs towards the front door, covering herself with her hands. She tries to open the door, but it's locked. She gasps, and tiptoes towards a wooden post on her porch, hiding behind it. She eyes a tall plant, and pulls it towards her, covering herself more.) 
NARRATOR: On Wisteria Lane, an unsettled Susan racked her brain to find a way into her own house. 
(SUSAN holds the plant in front of her, and sidesteps her way down the steps and towards the garden shed on the left of her house. She tries to open the door to the shed, but it's also locked. She tiptoes towards a window, and tries to open it. It's stuck. She puts down the plant and uses two hands to try and open it. She slips, and falls into her shrubs on her back!) 
NARRATOR: Lying naked in her shrubs, it occurred to Susan that this could be the most humiliating moment of her life. 
(MIKE walks by and notices her lying there.) 
MIKE: Susan? 
NARRATOR: She was wrong. 
MIKE: (averts his eyes, grinning) Uh.. whatcha doing? 
SUSAN: Locked myself out. Naked. 
MIKE: Oh. 
SUSAN: And then I fell. (crosses her legs) So how are you? 
MIKE: Good. I just got back. I was gone all day, and I got your messages about dinner, and, um, I would love to come if the invite still stands. 
SUSAN: It's a date. 
MIKE: Alright, I um, assume the dress is, uh, casual. 
SUSAN: Yeah, it's-it's casual. 
(MIKE nods, grinning as he walks off. SUSAN squeals and covers herself with the plants.) 
[CUT TO: EXT. VAN DE KAMP HOUSE] 
(SUSAN and MIKE walk up the porch. SUSAN is holding a bottle of wine.)
SUSAN: Thanks for helping me break in. Do you think it's gonna be hard to replace that screen? 
MIKE: Well that depends. Nail it in yourself, you might wanna wear gloves. Or pants. Pants wouldn't hurt. 
SUSAN: Okay. I know what just happened is funny, in theory, but I am nowhere near ready to laugh about it. So please, no jokes. 
BREE: (opens the front door) Hey, where've you been?
MIKE: Um, Susan had a problem finding something to wear (stifles his laughter). Oh, was that the kinda thing you meant?
SUSAN: Pretty much. 
LYNETTE: The kids are bouncing off the walls?Huh. Well I'm sure you can find a way to put them to bed, Tom. I mean, for god's sakes, Tom, they're just kids. 
SUSAN: (notices GABRIELLE is limping) Hey, are you okay? 
GABRIELLE: Yes, I, I went jogging today, and I think I just pushed myself too hard. 
SUSAN: Well, you're probably not wearing the right shoes. 
GABRIELLE: Yeah, that thought did cross my mind. 
CARLOS: So Gabrielle says you and Bree are taking lessons three times a week. 
REX: Uh-huh. 
CARLOS: I'm actually thinking about playing again. I mean, it's such great exercise. 
REX: That it is. 
CARLOS: And my drop-shot could use a serious tune-up. Think you could give me the number of your pro? 
REX: Yeah, I'll, uh, give it to you later. 
CARLOS: Well, what club does he work out of? 
REX: Um. We're not really taking tennis lessons, Carlos. 
CARLOS: You're not? 
REX: That's a story Bree concocted to cover the fact that we're seeing a marriage counsellor. 
(BREE, standing right behind him, drops her plate of hors'deuvres on the ground. REX turns around, startled. Everyone else turns to watch.) Bree, Bree. 
(BREE takes his glass of wine from him.) 
REX: He wouldn't stop asking about the tennis pro. (turns to everyone else) Bree and I are in marriage counselling. Everyone knows our secret now. Did the sky fall? Has your life come crashing down? 
(GABRIELLE, LYNETTE and SUSAN look at each other, dumbfounded.) 
BREE: If everybody would please take your seats. Dinner is served. 
[CUT TO: INT. YOUNG HOUSE - LIVING ROOM] 
(ZACH is sleeping on the couch with the TV on. PAUL comes in, and sees him sleeping. He walks over and sits on the coffee table. He looks at ZACh, pulling a blanket over him. He looks up as he hears the news on TV, on channel KQRY 15.) 
NEWS REPORTER: A recent discovery was made today in Westbrook, when a chest was found in Rock Water Lake, discovered by a local area businessman and his grandson while they were fishing. Investigators recovered a wooden chest, containing what appears to be human remains. Now a police spokesman said that the body was...
(PAUL switches the TV off. He gets up and switches off the lamp, leaving the room. ZACH opens his eyes.) 
[CUT TO:INT. VAN DE KAMP HOUSE - DINING ROOM] 
(The atmosphere is icy, as the dinner proceeds in silence. REX looks at BREE, then down at his plate. BREE is embaressed. MIKE looks at BREE, then REX,, then back down. CARLOS stares at his plate as he raises his eyebrows. GABRIELLE pretends to be engrossed in her food, then sips at her water. SUSAN can't stand the silence.) 
SUSAN: Okay, I gotta break the ice here. So you're in counselling, big deal. You want humiliation? I'll give you humiliation. I locked myself out of my house stark naked and got caught by Mike. 
GABRIELLE: Oh my god, when did this happen? 
SUSAN: Today. Right before the party. 
MIKE: What can I say? Right place, right time. 
(Everyone laughs, relieved to enjoy the story..) 
LYNETTE: I think I can top that. Try getting thrown out of Disneyland for lewd behaviour. 
SUSAN: What? When was this? 
LYNETTE: When Tom and I were first married, things got a little out of hand on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. 
REX: (grinning) You're kidding. 
LYNETTE: No, we got perp-walked down Main Street USA. 
(BREE looks at REX, who's laughing at the others' stories. She is appalled that he can out her secret and not give a damn. Uh-oh, look out, Rex.) 
GABRIELLE: Well since we're doing true confessions. Carlos and I once broke a waterbed in Cancun. 
MIKE: How'd you manage that?
GABRIELLE: Oh he used to have a thing for spiked heels. 
CARLOS: I'd just like to make it clear, she was wearing them. 
(Everyone laughs again, except BREE.) 
BREE: Rex cries after he ejaculates. 
(REX looks at BREE, appalled, who smiles at him, then looks down at her plate. SUSAN looks at BREE, then looks down. CARLOS looks at REX, then looks down as well. LYNETTE turns to see REX's reaction. REX wipes his mouth, then gets up and leaves the table. We see him grabbing his car keys, then slamming the front door. BREE resumes eating, as the rest of them sit uncomfortably.) 
[CUT TO: EXT. WISTERIA LANE -- LATER] 
(MIKE and SUSAN are walking down the darkened Wisteria Lane.) 
MIKE: You think we left too early? 
SUSAN: I was thinking we left too late. 
MIKE: So is, uh, Rex gone for good? 
SUSAN: I don't know. God, I hope not. I mean, they're always been wound a little tight, but I've never seen him like that. Then again, who am I to judge? 
MIKE: You mean, people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw soda cans? 
SUSAN: Okay, you have got to know that I only get that angry around Karl. He just treated me so badly at the end, I-I haven't been able to get past it. 
MIKE: Maybe he did you a big favour. 
SUSAN: What do you mean? 
MIKE: Just look at Karl as the starter marriage, you know, boot camp. Preparing you for something better next time. 
SUSAN: Listen, Mike, I-about the whole seeing me naked thing. I don't know, I just, I wanna thank you for being such a-perfect gentleman. 
MIKE: Oh I wasn't a perfect gentleman, I might've snuck a peek. 
SUSAN: Oh. Goodnight. (bursts into laughter and walks towards her door.) 
MIKE: Oh, and, uh, for what it's worth,wow. 
(SUSAN stares as MIKE walks away, smiling. She stands there surprised, then a huge smile blooms on her face as she opens her door and walks in.) 
[CUT TO: INT. SCAVO HOUSE - LIVING ROOM] 
(TOM is asleep on the couch. A red cloth comes down to tickle his face and he starts, waking up to see LYNETTE.) 
TOM: Hi. 
LYNETTE: How was your night? 
TOM: We are raising little terrorists, you know that, don't you? 
LYNETTE: Oh. Didn't have a good time? 
TOM: You know what, drop the act. I know you gave them cookies. 
LYNETTE: Oooh. Who cracked anyway? 
TOM: Porter. Yeah. So how was your dinner party? 
LYNETTE: Well, there was dinner, but it wasn't much of a party. 
TOM: Uh oh, what happened? 
LYNETTE: I don't know. Rex announced that he and Bree are in counselling. She retaliated with this whole revelation which I won't even go into now. And the bottom line is, he stormed out. Clearly there's trouble in paradise. 
TOM: Honestly, I'm not that surprised. 
LYNETTE: Why not? 
TOM: I don't know, I just never got the, uh, idea that they were really happy. 
LYNETTE: Are we happy? 
(They look at each other.) 
[CUT TO: INT. SOLIS HOUSE - BATHROOM] 
(CARLOS is standing at the mirror, trimming his nose-hair.GABRIELLE is rubbing oil up and down her legs.) 
CARLOS: Man, oh man. I keep seeing that look on Rex's face, and then him taking off like that. Heh. Some night. Then again, I would probably cry too if I had to have sex with that woman. (CARLOS cracks a smile.) I mean, you watch a man got torn down like that, makes you wonder why he's let her get away with it. (GABRIELLE looks up, spooked.) Believe me, if a woman ever humiliated me like that in public, heh, it would only happen once. (CARLOS walks off, but GABRIELLE stands there still looking very scared.) 
[CUT TO: INT. VAN DE KAMP HOUSE - BEDROOM] 
(BREE is packing REX's suitcase. REX is sitting on the bed.) 
BREE: So, uh, where are you going? 
REX: I'll be staying at the motor launch. 
BREE: Hotel by the interstate has better rates, and, uh, it's closer to your work. 
REX: Fine. 
BREE: I'm packing your swimsuit. There's a pool there, and I know how swimming relaxes you. 
REX: When our kids ask where I am, what're you gonna say? 
BREE: Umm, I can tell them that you went to tennis camp. That was a joke. 
REX: Yeah. I got it. 
BREE: There. Obviously, if you've forgotten anything, you can, um, come right back and get it. 
REX: Well, I'll call you. 
BREE: Rex. In college, when we first started dating, people were so jealous of us. We were the golden couple. Everybody knew we were gonna have this wonderful life. Why is this happening? 
REX: Because you can't even let me pack my own suitcase. (walks out, leaving BREE standing there.) 
(BREE walks towards the bed. She looks like she's about to burst into tears. She collects herself, clearing her throat as she straightens the bed.) 
[CUT TO: EXT. MEYER HOUSE] 
(KARL is dropping JULIE off. SUSAN comes out the front door.) 
KARL: (kisses JULIE on the head) Alright, see you. (gets in the car) 
JULIE: Hey, where're you going? 
SUSAN: Just a sec. 
JULIE: Mum? 
SUSAN: Don't worry, I'm not packing heat. (opens the passenger side door where BRANDI is sitting) Hey Brandy, could you scoot a little? Just scoot, thank you. (gets in and shuts the door) Hi. 
KARL: W-What are you doing? 
SUSAN: I'll be quick. Brandy, I'm sorry for the way I treated you. It was uncalled for, and childish, and it won't happen again. I have built up a lot of anger towards you, both of you, and I realise now that I just can't carry that around anymore. So, apology or no apology, I'm moving on. 
(BRANDI looks startled, sitting there. Suddenly, she gets up and out of the car.) 
BRANDI: Mrs. Meyer? 
KARL: Brandy. Brandy, get in the car. 
BRANDI: Mrs. Meyer? 
SUSAN: Please. Call me Susan. 
BRANDI: I just wanted you to know, what happened between me and Karl, things got out of hand because I thought your marriage was over. Anyway, I just wanted you to know I'm sorry, I really am. 
SUSAN: Thank you. 
NARRATOR: And though it came from an unexpected source, Susan finally got the apology she's always wanted. 
[CUT TO: INT. SCAVO HOUSE - FOYER] 
(LYNETTE comes in the door with bags of stuff, and mail in her mouth.) 
TOM: (comes down the stairs wearing a sombrero) Hey, let me take those. (takes her shopping bags and mail) 
LYNETTE: You're wearing a really big hat. 
TOM: (puts the stuff down on the table, then puts some music on) Yes, I am. Listen, the kids are watching a video, which means that we've only got about 45 minutes until they actually find Nemo, so I suggest that we make the most of it. (puts the finishing touches on some margheritas.) 
LYNETTE: By reliving your night out with the guys? 
TOM: Lynette? I'm trying. (offers her a margherita) 
LYNETTE: You look-ridiculous in that thing. 
TOM: Sexy ridiculous? 
LYNETTE: Maybe. 
TOM: I can live with maybe. 
LYNETTE: (twirls her around and slow-dances with her) Aww. You know, it's gonna take more than just this one night. 
TOM: I know. (they kiss) Ahh, looks like we have an audience. 
(We see the three SCAVO kids sitting on the landing of the stairs, watching their parents dance) 
LYNETTE: Let 'em look. As long as they don't try and cut in. 
[CUT TO:INT. DR. GOLDFINE'S OFFICE] 
(There's a knock on the door as BREE comes in.) 
BREE: Dr. Goldfine. 
DR. GOLDFINE: Bree. We're not scheduled now, are we? 
BREE: I didn't have time to make an appointment. Rex moved out today. 
DR. GOLDFINE: I'm very sorry to hear that, but unfortunately, I'm completely booked right now. 
BREE: I don't need much time, it just seems that you have more insight into my situation than I do. And I just think that- 
DR. GOLDFINE: Bree, we can't talk now. 
BREE: If you would just tell me what he told you, then I could fix the problem. 
DR. GOLDFINE: You can't do that, it's completely unethical. 
BREE: Well, why can't you?(stops when she hears a bell ring from the outer office) 
DR. GOLDFINE: That's my next appointment. You really need to go. 
BREE: Dr. Goldfine, please? 
DR. GOLDFINE: Hold on. I'll go talk to my client. 
(DR. GOLDFINE leaves the room. BREE paces around the room, then spots a cupboard that hasn't been fully closed. She looks through the tapes marked with names of DR. GOLDFINE's clients. She finds REX's tape and fingers it,, but stops as she sees one labelled .A. YOUNG) 
NARRATOR: Bree searched for Rex's audio tape, hoping to find answers. She found answers, all right. But to an entirely different question. 
(BREE takes the tape out and looks at it, but is startled as she hears DR. GOLDFINE's voice in the outer office, and drops the tape. She shuts the cupboard door, picks up the tape and hides it in her cardigan. She leans against his desk, wrapping her arms around herself, looking distraught. DR. GOLDFINE comes back in.) 
DR. GOLDFINE: Bree, I'm sorry, he can't wait. I can see you first thing in the morning, 8 o'clock. 
BREE: 8 o'clock. Sorry to interrupt. Bye. (leaves the office quickly) 
[CUT TO:EXT. WISTERIA LANE - NIGHT] 
NARRATOR: Yes, I remember the world. Every detail. 
(Pan to:BREE sitting at her window, fingering the tape. She turns to look out the window as she hears a faint banging noise.) 
NARRATOR: And what I remember most is how afraid I was. What a waste. 
(Pan to:GABRIELLE, lying in bed awake. She hears the noise, and gets up, going to the window to look out.) 
NARRATOR: You see, to live in fear is not to live at all. I wish I could tell this to those I left behind, but would it do any good? Probably not. 
(Pan to:SUSAN, sitting at her work desk, looking through some more photos. She looks out the window and across the road.) 
NARRATOR: I understand now there will always be those who face their fears, and there will always be those who run away. 
(Pan to: PAUL banging a huge a "For Sale" By Owner with a hammer into his front yard.)




DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
1X04: WHO'S THAT WOMAN? 
------------------------------------------------------------
Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives- 
[INT-Britt House -Living Room -Night] 
(Shots of Susan sneaking into Edie's house, carrying a measuring jug. She sits down on the sofa and is distraught, seeing the romantic setting with all the candles. She throws the bra she picked up over her shoulder. It catches fire, which spreads to the curtains and much further. We see Susan run out, running past the now forgotten measuring jug on the floor.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:Susan played with fire-
[EXT -Wisteria Lane -Night] 
(shots of Edie's house in flames, sirens are going off and firemen are trying to put out the blaze) 
[EXT -Britt House -Day] 
(Edie and Mrs Huber go through the wreckage of the house looking to see if anything can be salvaged. Mrs Huber holds up the charred measuring jug) 
Edie: That's not my cup.
(Mrs Huber's brain kicks into gear and she gets a look on her face as if she's got a plan) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:And could get burned .
[INT -Solis House-Living Room -Day] 
Carlos: Go to a spa, go shopping. Find a way to relax .
(Gabrielle gets a wicked little look on her face, as if she knows exactly what she's going to do) 
[INT (split screen shot) -Solis House and John's apartment-Day] 
Gabrielle (to John on the phone): Just get here as fast as you can 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Gabrielle found herself a playmate.
(shots of Gabrielle and John kissing, he's not wearing a top) 
[EXT -Scavo Car -Day] 
(Lynette is driving while the kids are jumping up and down and screaming in the back seat. She hangs her head as if she's given up trying to control the boys) 
Mary Alice voiceover: Whilst Lynette couldn't get her kids to stop playing. 
(Lynette sees a policeman on a motorbike in her rear view mirror) 
Policeman: Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over? 
(shots of the boys pulling faces at the policeman through the window) 
Lynette: I have a theory. 
[INT-Van Der Kamp House -Living Room - Night] 
(shots of Rex trying to sleep on the sofa-bed)
[INT-Van Derk Kamp House -Living Room -Day] 
Rex: If I don't start getting any sleep soon I'll be forced to move back upstairs out of sheer exhaustion.
(Bree is alone in the living room, she has a pair of pliers in her hands) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: And Bree played hardball. 
(Bree pulls back the mattress of the sofa-bed and used the pliers to cut the wire frame. She bends the spokes upwards, presses her finger against one to test how sharp it is and puts the mattress back) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Everyone has a little dirty laundry. 

End of Recap 

[INT-Scavo House -Living room -Day] 
(shots of a very messy house. The shot pans over children's toys) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: When I was alive I maintained many different identities. 
(shot pans over a coffee table filled with magazines on a range of different topics. One of which is a newspaper "the national informer",which has a front page with a picture of Mary Alice and the headline inside: the suburban suicide mom.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Lover, wife and ultimately victim. 
(we see Lynette bending down to pick up some of the mess, attempting to tidy up) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, labels are important to the living, they dictate how people see themselves, like my friend Lynette. She used to see herself as a career woman, and a hugely successful one at that. 
(shot switches to-) 
[INT-Scavo House -Kitchen - Day] 
(shot of one of the twins passing Lynette a bottle. She yawns, brushes her hair back and starts to feed the baby) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: She was known for her power lunches. 
(shot switches to-) 
[INT -Scavo House -Kitchen-Day] 
(Lynette attaches another of the kids drawings to the fridge and slaps a magnet on top to hold it in place) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Her eye catching presentations. 
(shot switches to-) 
[INT -Scavo House-Living Room-Day] 
(Lynette sprays cleaning products on the dirty windows and wipes them clean. She looks incredibly fed up) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: And her ruthlessness at wiping out the competition. 
(Shot switches to-) 
[INT-Scavo House-Kitchen-Day] 
(Lynette is washing the dishes) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: But Lynette gave up all that to assume a new label. 
(The phone rings) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: The incredibly satisfying role of full time mother. 

(Lynette wipes her hands and answers the phone) 
Lynette (on the phone): Scavo residence, this is me.(her face drops and she sighs as she listens to what the person on the other end of the phone is saying.) 
[EXT-The Boys-School-Day] 
(Lynette is walking towards the boy's classroom) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: But unfortunately for Lynette this new label frequently fell short of what was advertised. 
(She stops when she sees the twins sat outside their classroom. When they see their mom they both give a wave at her, which reveals blue paint on their hands) 
[INT-The Boys-Classroom -Day] 
(Lynette enters, looks at the art supplies cupboard and looks perplexed) 
Lynette: How in the world did they? 
Teacher: I left the door to the art supply cupboard open for five minutes, that's all. Five minutes. 
Lynette: Well, the little girl. 
(Lynette sits down opposite the teacher on one of the children's small chairs) 
Lynette: Why didn't she say anything? 
Teacher: Your boys work quickly. 
Lynette: Well, obviously they will be punished for this. Severely. 
Teacher: I hesitate in brining this up, seeing as you got so ugly about it the last time. 
Lynette: They don't have attention-deficit disorder, and I'm not going to drug my boys just to make your job easier. I'd rather change teachers. 
Teacher: The boys are in my class because I'm the only teacher that can handle them 
Lynette: What if we separate the twins? Put them in different classes? They're much calmer when 
they're not bouncing off one another. 
Teacher: We can try that. But if it doesn't work, we may no longer be able to accommodate them. 
(Lynette is resigned to that fact and nods slightly. She leaves and collects the boys from outside the classroom. They all head off) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: It suddenly occurred to Lynette that her label was about to change again. And that for the next few years she would be known as the mother of the boys who painted Tiffany Astelrod blue. 
(they walk past another mother and little girl, who she protectively moves behind her as the Scavos walk past. Because this is the girl that is covered from head to foot in blue paint, Lynette looks shocked, she can�t believe what her boys did!!) 

Opening Credits 

[EXT-Wisteria Lane -Outside Solis House-Day] 
(opening shots of the street, focusing in on a tape player. It pulls back out to show Gabrielle,Bree, Lynette and Susan sat outside about to switch on the tape player) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: It looked to be an interesting afternoon on wisteria lane. A mysterious cassette tape had been discovered by my friend Bree. She had stolen it from her marriage counsellor, a counsellor I had once spoken to in strictest confidence. 
Counsellor (on the tape): So how have you been? 
Mary Alice (on the tape): I had the nightmare again. 
Gabrielle: It's so weird to hear Mary Alice. 
Counsellor (on the tape): Still the same one? 
Mary Alice (on the tape): Yes. But this time I was standing in a river and I saw the girl under the water and she kept screaming "Angela"over and over again. 
Counsellor (on the tape): So what do you think the significance of the name "Angela" is? 
Mary Alice (on the tape): Actually, it's my real name. 
Gabrielle: (really shocked) Her real name? 
(Bree nods) 
Gabrielle: That doesn't make any sense. I've seen her driver's licence, it does not say Angela. 
Susan: Bree, what does it say on the rest of the tape? 
Bree: Just some more about her nightmares and this girl she was afraid of. 
Gabrielle: So what the hell do we do now? 
(shots of the women sitting and thinking. Susan looks up across the street at Paul watering his garden. The rest of the women turn and look too. Paul waves at them, and they all give nervous waves back.) 
Susan: I think we should show Paul the note. 
Lynette: Are you sure? He's gonna freak. 
Bree: Well, it's now or never. I saw what he's asking for the place it's going to sell really quickly. 
(Gabrielle gets up and stares at Paul- feeling uncomfortable) 
Gabrielle: Can I say something? I'm glad Paul's moving. 
Bree: (can't believe her friend would say such a thing) Gabby!! 
Gabrielle: I'm sorry, he's just always given me the creeps. Haven't you guys notices that he's got this 
"dark thing" going on? There's something about him that just feels-(Searches for the word) 
Lynette: Malignant? 
Gabrielle: Yes! 
Susan: We've all sort of felt it. 
(more shots of Paul working on the garden) 
Bree: That being said, I do love what he've done with that lawn. 
(Lynette, Gabrielle and Susan turn to look at Bree as if she's crazy) 
[INT-Mayer House-Kitchen-Day] 
(Susan is absentmindedly washing dishes as she stares out the window. She's been scrubbing the same one for quite some time. Julie comes up behind her and cranes her neck to see what her mother is looking at. She sees that its Mike Delfino working in his garden-without a shirt on. Julie laughs at her mother)
Julie: Mom, the dish is clean. 
Susan: Huh? 
Julie: I still don't understand why you don't just ask him out on an "official date" date. 
Susan: I'm trying a new strategy. I'm playing hard to get. 
Julie: How long do you think you can keep that up? 
Susan: Oh, maybe until noon. Then I'm going to have to run over there and beg him to love me .
(Julie laughs at her mother'sjoke)
Julie: Uh mom? (indecipherable) 
(shots of Edie washing her car. There's lots of soap suds and she isn't wearing very much at all) 
Susan: You've got to be kidding me! She washed her car yesterday. 
(Shots of Edie with her hose, showing off her breasts in her top. Mike definitely notices her. Shots of Susan and Julie watching from the kitchen window.Edie gets a sponge from one of the buckets of water and dabs it to her chest to cool down.)
Susan: Oh, no, she did not! 
(shot of Mike pausing his raking to watch Edie) 
Susan: Well, she's bringing out the big guns. 
(shot of Edie squeezing out all the water over the front of her top, and Mike's appreciative glances)
Julie: You'd better get over there. She's wearing cotton. 
(Julie goes to a drawer in the table and takes out a letter)
Susan: What am I supposed to say to Mike, "I saw you half naked so I thought I'd drop by?" 
(Julie offers the letter to her mother) 
Susan: What's that? 
Julie: A piece of Mike's junk mail we got by mistake. I held on to it in case of an emergency. 
Susan: God bless you! 
(Susan kisses Julie's cheek. And heads out the door) 
[EXT -Wisteria Lane -Day] 
(Susan leaves her house heading for Mike's. She and Edie exchange stinking looks as she goes past.) 
Susan: Hi. 
Mike: Oh, hey Susan. 
Susan: We, uh, got this by mistake. (offers him the letter) 
Mike: Thanks. (opens the letter) 
Susan: I hope it's not important. 
Mike: No, it's just a promotion from the Realto. They're having a film festival. 
Susan: Oh. 
(shots of Edie watching Susan and Mike from behind her car) 
Susan: Well, I guess I've done my good deed for the day. (tries to make a joke of this -but it doesn't work.) 
Mike: Huh. 
Susan: So I guess I'll just head back home.(practically begging for an invitation to stay). Bye. 
(Susan turns to leave) 
Mike: Hey, do you like old movies? 
Susan: (turns around really quickly) I love old movies!! 
(Edie, upon hearing this, throws her sponge into the bucket "giving up".We see shots of Mike and Susan laughing as Edie storms off into Mrs Huber's house.) 
[INT -Mrs Huber- House -Day] 
(Mrs Huber is cutting out coupons in the kitchen when Edie storms in and slams the door shut after her.)
Edie: I hate Susan Mayer! Every time I see those big doe eyes of hers, I swear to god I just want to go out and shoot a dear. 
(As she vents to Mrs Huber, she takes a beer out of the fridge. 
Mrs Huber: What has she done this time? 
Edie: She is out there throwing herself at Mike Delfino. Again! 
Mrs Huber: Susan likes Mike? 
(Mrs Huber is shocked by this information. Edie looks at her like she's an idiot and pops the lid off her beer.)
Edie: Where the hell have you been, Martha? She's been lusting after him since he moved in. 
(Mrs Huber figures out that it was probably Susan who burnt down Edie's house. She looks like she's making a plan) 
[EXT -The Scavo Boy- School- Day] 
(Lynette comes rushing up to the teacher who is having lunch outside the boys' classroom)
Lynette: Hi, I got your message. What's going on? 
Teacher: The boys refused to be separated. 
Lynette: They refused? They're six years old.Make them. 
Teacher: (sarcastically) Well, school regulations are pretty strict about me wrestling with the boys. (she had taken a bite of something that didn't agree with her and spat it out into her hand) But if you want to give it a shot?
(Lynette looks at her as if she can't believe that the woman is teaching her sons) 
Lynette: Fine. 
(stops on her way inside) 
Lynette: Oh.. which one goes and which one stays? 
Teacher: (shrugs) You pick. 
(Lynette heads inside. As she opens the door we hear the noise that the boys were making inside. The teacher goes to the doorway and eavesdrops on what is being said inside) 
There's lots of screaming but I can't quite make out what is said. 
(the teacher opens the door, and we see one of the twins is lying on top of a table, holding on for dear life as his mother tries to pull him off. The other twin is on the floor hugging the table leg, trying to stop his mother making his brother leave. The teacher smiles at the sight) 
[INT-Solis House-Bathroom-Night] 
(It's dark in the bathroom, the only light coming from the many candles in the room. We pan across and see Gabrielle and John in the bath with lots of bubbles) 
Gabrielle: I love taking baths. Especially with you. It's like taking a vacation from the world. 
John: I hated taking baths when I was a kid. Of course, back then all I had to play with was my rubber ducky. 
(Gabrielle thinks this is sweet and they kiss. The doorbell rings)
John: Who's that? (panics) It's Mr Solis. (gets out of the tub-water goes everywhere) 
Gabrielle: (not at all worried) Relax! Carlos is at work and he doesn't ring the doorbell. 
(Gabrielle gets out and dons a robe. She opens a window to see who it is. There's a purple van outside that says Cliffside Cable) 
Gabrielle: It's the cable guy. He's three hours late. (closes the window) 
Gabrielle: (Calls out to John, who is frantically getting dressed in the bedroom) Use the side entrance. 
[INT-Solis House -Bedroom- Night] 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Gabrielle knew her vacation from the world had ended. 
(John grabs his shoes and leaves) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: What she didn't know was that John had left behind a souvenir.
(the shot pans down and we see one of John's socks left under the bed) 
[INT -Van Der Kamp House -Kitchen-Night] 
(Danielle and Andrew enter the house) 
Danielle: I'm telling you. Dad didn't come home last night. They had a fight. A bad one. 
Andrew: How bad? 
Danielle: Like divorce court bad. 
(They both look up at the sound of humming from the next room, and see their mother placing and replacing a candle in the middle of the dining table) 
Danielle: Listen to her! She always overcompensates when she's worried. 
Andrew: If dad moves out and leaves us with her, I'm going to lose my mind. 
(Bree opens the sliding doors to the dining room and smiles) 
Bree: Dinner is on the table. 
Andrew: Mom, where did dad go last night? 
Bree: He got a last minute call to speak at a medical conference in Philadelphia. Take your seats. 
(Danielle and Andrew enter the dining room and see the feast laid out for them there, it's like Christmas dinner in there!! They're both shocked by what they see) 
Danielle: This marriage is so over.
(Andrew can't stand what he sees and walks out the back door)
Bree: Andrew?! 
[INT-Solis House -Bathroom -Night] 
(Gabrielle blows out the candles in the bathroom)
Cable Guy: Sorry I'm late. The scheduler overbooked me. 
Gabrielle: How long are you going to be? 
Cable Guy: Almost done. What is that scent? Is it the sage of citrus? It's amazing. 
Gabrielle: Try to hurry. I have stuff to do. 



(Gabrielle leaves the room, letting the cable guy get on with what he's doing. He packs up a roll of wire, then turns to another wire coming out of the wall. He pulls at it, but it won't budge. So he braces himself to pull harder, but slips on the water that John split when he got out of the tub. He goes down hard, flat on his back. Gabrielle pokes her head around the corner and gasps at what she sees) 
[INT-Solis House -Bathroom - Night] 
(we see the cable guy being loaded onto a paramedic's trolley. He's on a back board, with a neck brace on. A paramedic shines a light in his eyes whilst Gabrielle looks on, worried. Carlos enters, confused) 
Carlos: What is happening? 
Gabrielle: The cable guy fell. He hit his head on the tub. He may have a concussion. 
Carlos: (suspicious) It's almost 8. 
Gabrielle: He was late.
(The paramedics wheel the cable guy out, Gabrielle follows them, whilst Carlos looks on, suspicious. He sniffs and smells the scented candles that Gabrielle had been burning with John earlier, and sees the remaining candles burning. He takes in the full scene around him and is even more suspicious) 
[EXT -Mayer House -Night] 
(Mrs Huber is at Susan's door, carrying a pie. Susan opens the door)
Susan: Mrs Huber. 
Mrs Huber: Hello Susan. I made you a pie. 
Susan: Oh, wow. Why? 
Mrs Huber: Do I need a motive to do something nice? 
(Susan kind of shrugs, not knowing what to say) 
[INT -Mayer House -Night] 
(Mrs Huber cuts a slice of the pie) 
Mrs Huber: I can't wait for you to try this, it's mincemeat. 
Susan: Actually, I just had dinner.
Mrs Huber: That's okay, you can save it for later. 
(Mrs Huber licks her finger and laughs) 
Susan: What's so funny? 
Mrs Huber: I was just thinking of that expression.I'll make mincemeat out of you.
(Susan looks confused) 
Mrs Huber: Mincemeat. It used to be an entrap mostly made up of chopped meat. So it was like saying 
"I'll chop you up into little bits.
(Susan stares at Mrs Huber like she's nuts. Mrs Huber is still laughing as she goes to the sink to wash her hands.) 
Mrs Huber: But that was centuries ago. Today mincemeat is mostly made up of fruit, spices and rum. There's no meat in it, and still people say I'll make mincemeat out of you. 
Susan: I don't know that people really say that anymore. 
Mrs Huber: I do. 
(she carelessly throws away the towel she was using to dry her hands)
Mrs Huber: So, Susan. How are you? 
(opens up Susan's cookie jar and looks inside) 
Susan: I'm fine. 
Mrs Huber: Good. You know, I have a confession to make.I always wish I had been more supportive when Carl left you. 
Susan: Oh, you don't have to apologise about Carl. Really, Carl and I are over. I've moved on. 
Mrs Huber: Yes, I know. You've moved on to that nice Mike Delfino. He's quite a catch,isn't he? You like him, don't you?
(Mrs Huber winks at Susan. Then goes into her cupboard to take out a plate.) 
Susan: Um, sure. As a friend. 
Mrs Huber: Oh, Susan, being coy is a strategy best employed by virgins at their first dance. For women of our age it's just annoying. (suddenly all nice again) are you sure you don't want pie? 
Susan: No. Thank you. 
Mrs Huber:I hope it works out with you and Mike, you've been so desperate to land him. 
Susan: WHAT? I am not desperate. 
Mrs Huber: Oh, lord! Susan, you burned you love rival's house down! If that isn't desperate I don't know what is. 
(Susan stands there opening and closing her mouth, not knowing what to say) 
Susan: Mrs Huber, with all due respect, you're crazy. 
(Mrs Huber puts down the fork she was using to eat the pie, reaches into her bag and takes out the charred measuring jug, placing it on the table) 
Susan: What's that? 
Mrs Huber: (she's thoroughly enjoying this) I think you recognise it. I found it in the ruins of Edie's home. 
Susan: Well, that's not- 
Mrs Huber: sh, sh, sh. My point is this. I wasn't there for you when Carl left you, but I'm here for you now. As far as I'm concerned, this is our little secret and no one need ever know. Oh Susan, you have no idea how good it feels to finally be able to help you. 
(Susan is shell shocked through all this.)
Mrs Huber: You look so pale. Now I insist you try some of my pie. 
(Mrs Huber gets up and forcibly feeds some of her pie to Susan.) 
Mrs Huber: Go on.
(Susan obligingly opens up.) 
Mrs Huber: Did I mention it's mincemeat? 
(Susan gulps and swallows at the same time.) 
[INT -Van Der Kamp House -Andrew's Bedroom -Day]
(Bree knocks on Andrew's bedroom door. It's got a sign on it saying Keep Out? There's no answer so she tries again.) 
Andrew (off screen): What? 
Bree: Open the door please. 
Andrew (off screen): Hang on.
(Andrew opens his door.) 
Andrew: What? 
Bree: Can I come in? 
Andrew: No. 
Bree: Well, I want to talk to you. 
Andrew: Then talk. 
(Bree folds her arms across her chest.)
Bree: Where were you last night? 
Andrew: Brian's. 
Bree: I spoke to Brian's mother. Now tell me again where you were last night and this time don't lie to me. 
Andrew: Where did you say dad was again? In Philadelphia? 
Bree: Andrew, don't change the subject. 
Andrew: I'm sorry. I thought the subject was telling lies. I called dad's cell phone and I know he moved out. 
Bree: Well, it's just temporary and-I thought it would upset you, so I was protecting you. 
Andrew: Whatever. You lied, so stop pretending like you have some sort of moral authority. 
Bree: Andrew, just because I chose not to share my marital problems with you does not give you the right to be rude. 
Andrew: How about driving my father away? Do I get to be rude then? 
(Andrew closes the door in his mother's face. Bree is left standing there thinking about what he said.) 
[INT -Solis House-Bedroom - Day]
(It's morning and Carlos is getting dressed for work. We see Gabrielle in the walk in closet trying to decide what to wear. He drops his tie clip on the floor and bends down to pick it up. As he looks under the bed he sees the sock that John left behind. He picks it up and looks at it. Gabrielle turns around and sees the sock in Carlos' hand. Her eyes widen in shock and she rushes out the other door to the closet. She goes through the laundry basket in the bathroom and pulls out several items. She quickly runs downstairs with them and puts them in the cleaning supplies closet. She's about to head back upstairs when she is greeted by Carlos at the bottom of the stairs.) 
Gabrielle: (nervous) Hi. 
Carlos: What's this? 
(Carlos holds up the sock) 
Gabrielle: (sarcastically) That's a sock. 
Carlos: It's a man's sock. I found it under our bed. It's not mine. 
Gabrielle: For god's sake, Carlos, it's Yeolin's. 
Carlos: Our maid wears size 13 gym socks? 
Gabrielle: No, she dusts with them. 

(Carlos looks confused, so Gabrielle beckons for him to follow her. She leads him to the cleaning supplies closet) 
Gabrielle: See? Socks. She uses them as rags.
(Carlos doesn't look like he quite believes her. But Gabrielle thinks she's dodged a bullet. She closes the doors, leans back against them and sighs) 
[INT-Supermarket -Day] 
(Susan puts eggs and orange juice on the conveyer belt at the checkout. She picks up a magazine to flick through as she waits to be served. Mrs Huber pulls up behind her, with a full trolley load of purchases) 
Mrs Huber: Susan, hello. 
(Mrs Huber is all smiles, but Susan's face drops when she hears her voice.) 
Susan: Mrs Huber .(trying to be nice) 
Mrs Huber: Did you and Mike come together? I saw him over in the fresh produce aisle. 
Susan: No, like I told you before, we're just friends. 
(Mrs Huber puts down the block to separate her goods from Susan's items.) 
Susan: By the way, if I didn't make it clear yesterday, I absolutely did not do that thing that you accused me of doing. 
(Mike comes up behind them.) 
Mike: Hey Susan. Hi Mrs Huber. 
Mrs Huber: Nice to see you Mike. 
Mike (flirting with Susan): Hey, you like Alfred Hitchcock? They're doing a retrospective down at the realto. 
(Susan looks at Mrs Huber who is listening to everything that they say. She looks back at her suggestively) 
Susan: Um, I'm not really a fan. 
Mike: Oh, come on. How can you not like Hitchcock? 
Susan: I just, ah, don't. 
Mike: (shocked at being knocked down) oh, uh, okay. 
(Mike backs up to walk away) 
Mike: Well uh, nice to see you. You too, Mrs Huber. 
Mrs Huber: You're so silly. Pretending not to like him on my account, really! 
Susan: Will you please just drop it? 
Mrs Huber: You shouldn't be rude to me, Susan. Your secret is not an easy burden to bare. That insurance company is putting Edie through hell, but still I've said nothing. 
Susan: (fed up with Mrs Huber's snide remarks) Well th- 
Mrs Huber: And the longer it takes for her to get payment, the longer she'll be staying with me. Eating me out of house and home. Using up my hot water. 
Susan: What exactly is it you want from me, Mrs Huber? 
(Mrs Huber takes away the block separating their goods, implying she wants Susan to pay for her food) 
Check out girl: Are these together? 
(Mrs Huber looks challengingly at Susan, as if tempting her to refuse what she wants) 
Susan: (resigned to what she has to do) Ring it up. 
(Mrs Huber keeps adding goods to the conveyer belt, all the while smiling sickly at Susan) 
[INT-Scavo House -Kitchen-Day] 
(Lynette is pouring Bree a cup of coffee as they talk at the kitchen table.) 
Bree: If the school and the paediatrician both think that the twins could stand to be medicated-then what's the problem? 
Lynette: I used to run a company with 85 people and now I can't wrangle three small boys without doping them. Talk about feeling like a failure. 
Bree: Lynette, you are a great mother. But let's face it, your kids are (smiles) a challenge. 
Lynette: (laughs) Thank you. That's the nicest way you could have said that. you know, the truth is, when they're not making me want to pull my hair out they're really, really sweet. I'm afraid that if I change the bad stuff, I'm going to change the good stuff. 
Bree: It's a tough call. 
(Lynette nods) 
Lynette: Like this mug (It's a strange looking, badly painted green mug), I love this mug. If I medicate them, are they still going to make me a mug like this? 
(Lynette brings it to her lips to have a drink and coffee falls out the bottom) 
Bree: You know it's leaking. 
Lynette: Yeah, I know. 
(Susan and Gabrielle enter the house) 
Susan: We talked to Paul, told him we need to show him something.
Gabrielle: He's on his way over. 
[INT-Scavo House -Kitchen-Later in the Day] 
(They're all sitting around the kitchen table) 
Susan: So Paul, we noticed that you're selling the house. 
Paul: Yes, um, too many painful memories. I'm sure you understand. 
(Everyone exchanges uncomfortable looks) 
Susan: Well, before you move, we thought there was something you should know. 
Lynette: It seems there may be more to Mary Alice's death than you were aware of .
Paul: Oh? 
Gabrielle: Remember when you asked us to pack her things? Well, when we did we found a note.
Bree: And we think that you should have it. 
(Susan holds out the purple letter to Paul.) 
Susan: You can see from the postmark, Mary Alice probably got it the day she died. 
(Paul looks confused. He pulls the letter out of the envelope and reads the note (I know what you did. It makes me sick. I'm going to tell). He covers his mouth in shock when he reads it. everyone looks at him expectantly, wondering if he has an explanation for what it says. Paul breaks down and starts crying) 
Susan: Paul, are you going to be alright? 

Paul: No. 
(Paul crumples up the letter and storms out) 
[INT-Solis House -Day]
(Carlos is dressed for work and comes down stairs. He sees Yeolin polishing the stairs using a sock. She does not look impressed at what Gabrielle has made her do. Carlos thinks what she's doing looks strange. Gabrielle is doing yoga in the living room.)  
Carlos: (to Yeolin)Have you always cleaned with socks? 
(Gabrielle stops what she's doing to eavesdrop) 
Yeolin: Yes. 
Carlos: What, is that a Japanese thing? 
Yeolin: I am Chinese. 
(Carlos gives her a look, like "Does it matter".Then leaves.)
(Gabrielle dries off and goes upstairs.) 
Yeolin: I don't like lying. 
Gabrielle: Yeah? Well I don't like your ironing, so there. 
[EXT -Football Field -Day] 
(John is practicing with his football team, when he sees Gabrielle on the sidelines wearing a big hat and sunglasses, trying to disguise herself. She waves to get his attention to come over to speak to her. He looks back at the team then runs over to her.) 
John: Mrs Solis, what are you doing here? 
Gabrielle: Carlos found this (pulls out John's sock) under the bed. 
John: Oh crap. 
Gabrielle: It's okay. It was a close call, but I managed to cover. (she reaches in her bag and pulls out a pair of men's sandals) I got you these, so from now on, we can't let Carlos see you around the house wearing anything that resembles a gym sock. 
John: You want me to wear sandals? (indecipherable) 
Gabrielle:Mm-hmm.
John:I could lose a toe.
Gabrielle: Imagine what you would lose if Carlos finds out you're trimming more than the hedges.Why are all your friends staring at me? (she hits him on the shoulder) did you tell them about us? 
John: No! They're staring because they think you're hot. 
Gabrielle: Oh! Okay. 
(she smiles and waves at he boys. She gives John a little smile then leaves) 
[INT-Van Der Kamp House -Kitchen -Night] 
(Bree and Danielle are cleaning up after dinner) 
Bree: It's nine thirty at night. What is your brother thinking? 
(Danielle scraps leftovers into a Tupperware container for Andrew.)
Danielle: You want my advice? Call dad, go tell him to kick Andrew's ass. 
Bree: I am perfectly capable of handling this without your father. 
Danielle: Sorry. 
(Bree goes back to cleaning.) 
Bree: Where's your cell phone? 
(Danielle digs it out of her pocket.) 
Bree: Call Andrew and find out where he is. 
Danielle: Mom, he's going to know who's behind this. 
Bree: No, he won't. Just act normal. 
(Danielle sighs and dials her brother's number.) 
Danielle (on the phone): Hey, it's me. What's going on? 
(She listens for a bit, then hands the phone to her mother) 
Danielle: He knows. 
(Bree throws down her sponge and takes Danielle's phone.) 
Bree (on the phone): Andrew, this is your mother. I am rapidly reaching the end of my patience with you. where are you? Are you at a bar? Andrew? Andrew? 
(Bree takes the phone away from her ear and looks at it, shocked.) 
Danielle: Mom? 
Bree: (can't believe it) He hung up on me. 
Danielle: What are you going to do? 
(Bree is mad now, she takes off her pink marigolds and throws them on the table. She storms upstairs, rips the "Keep Out"sign from Andrew's door. She kicks the door in, Charlies Angel style. She goes through his trouser pocket and school bag, searching for clues to his location. In one of his drawers, she finds a box. When she opens it, she finds a match box from "Topsy Turvey". She holds them up and realises her son is at a strip joint.) 
[INT -Topsy Turvey-Night]
(shots of women dancing on the podiums.We see Andrew and some of his friends drinking beer and watching the dancers. One of the dancers is taking off her top in front of Andrew and his friends. The dancer throws the top and we see that Bree is the one who catches it. Andrew looks behind him and sees his mother. He spurts drink all over the place.) 
Bree: (to Andrew's friends) Keith. Ian. Andrew. 
Andrew: Mum, how did you even know I was here? 
(Bree tosses him the match box. Andrew is mad at her.) 
Andrew: You went in my room? 
Bree: You think that's bad? Tomorrow morning I'm cleaning it! oh, by the way Keith, I didn't get the chance to tell you, that was a lovely solo last week in church. 
Keith: (to Bree) Thank you. (To Andrew) we're out of here. 
(Andrew's friends get up and leave.)
Bree: (calls after the boys) I hope it wasn't anything I said. 
Bree: (to Andrew) So Andrew, shall we? 
Andrew: You just humiliated me in front of my friends. I'm not going anywhere with you! (he turns back to watch the show.) 
Bree: Fine. 
(Bree sits down next to her son.)
Andrew: What are you doing? 
Bree: I'm staying for the show. I'm dying to see what all the fuss is about. (to a passing waitress) excuse me, waitress, I'll have a glass of your house chardonnay. 
(shots of the girls dancing) 
Bree: I'm curious, Andrew, as you fantasise about this woman, do you ever stop and think how she came to be on this runway? 
(Andrew is looking increasingly uncomfortable at what his mother is talking about.) 
Bree: That's someone's little girl. And that someone probably had a lot of dreams for her.Dreams that did not include a thong and a pole. 
Andrew: It's not going to work ,okay? I'm not budging. 
Bree: God only knows what she's had to deal with in her life-abject poverty,Drugs, Domestic violence. Maybe even molestation. 
(The old pervy guy sitting next to Bree looks at her, can't believe what she's saying.) 
Andrew: MOM! 
Bree: And-now she treats herself the way that other mean treat her. Like an object, a piece of meat. 
(The pervy guy looks at the girl dancing around the pole and touching her body, then turns back to Bree and Andrew.) 
Pervy guy: That's it, kid. Get her out of here. She's killing it for the rest of us. 
(Andrew is thoroughly ashamed and gets up and leaves. Bree follows. The man raises his glass to the two of them as they leave) 
[INT -Mayer House-Susan's Bedroom -Night] 
Susan's answer phone message: We're not here. Leave a message. 
(we see Susan's just been in the shower. She's in a towel, with her hair up and is brushing her teeth.)
Mrs Huber: (leaving Susan a message) This is Mrs Huber, Susan. Are you there? I can see your lights are on. I hope you're not screening. That is so tacky. 
(Susan can't believe how rude Mrs Huber is, and continues to stare at her phone as her neighbour leaves her a message.) 
Mrs Huber: (on the phone) Listen, I need to talk to you. My water heater just burst and it's going to cost me $ 600 to get a new one. And I can't afford that. 
(Susan figures out why Mrs Huber was calling and sits down on her bed in shock.) 
Mrs Huber: I'm just beside myself. Call me as soon as you get in. 
[INT -Mayer House -Julie's Bedroom-Night] 
(Julie is fast asleep in bed when her mother wakes her up.) 
Susan: Julie? Julie ,honey, wake up. We need to talk.. 
Julie: Can't this wait until morning? 
(Susan shakes her head.)
Susan: I think I'm being blackmailed. 
(Julie wakes up at this and looks at her mother quizzically) 
[INT -Mayer House -Kitchen -Night] 
(Julie is sitting, drinking coffee to wake herself up whilst her mother tells her her story.) 
Susan: And when I realised I couldn't put out the fire, I ran. I must have dropped the measuring jug in the process. 
Julie: (shakes her head at her mother) Why do I even let you out of the house? 
Susan: Obviously I can't let her get away with this. The only thing to do is to go to the police and tell them everything that happened. 
Julie: You can't do that! 
Susan: Julie, I don't think they'll throw me in jail. I mean, it was an accident. 
Julie: Dad won't care if it was an accident. You know he'll just use this as an excuse to reopen custody. (almost pleading with her mother) Mom, I don't want to live with dad. 
(Susan hugs her daughter and wonders what they're going to do.) 
[EXT -Wisteria Lane -Outside the Solis House -Day] 
(John is mowing the Solis' lawn. He sees Carlos who gives him a gesture of his finger cutting across his throat. John looks incredibly nervous at this, and fumbles with the switches as he switches off the lawn mower) 
Carlos: Hey, I need to talk to you. 
John: Cool. Sure. 
(Carlos smiles at him) 
Carlos: You were working Tuesday, right? 
John: Yeah. 
Carlos: Do you remember the cable guy showing up? 
(John nods nervously) 
Carlos: And you usually work until what time? Five? 
John: Yeah. 
Carlos: Dammit. That means he was in the house for four hours. 
(Carlos goes to leave, and John realises what he said) 
John: Wait. Now that I think about it, I might not have seen him. 
Carlos: Well, either you saw him or you didn't. Which is it? 
John: I didn't. 
(Carlos laughs at him then puts his hand on John' shoulder.) 
Carlos: John, did my wife ask you to lie for her? 
John: Mr Solis, I uh don't want to get in the middle of anything. 
Carlos: Thank you. That's all I needed to know. 
(Carlos claps John on the shoulder and leaves. John takes several deep breaths.) 
[INT-Mayer House-Kitchen -Day] 
(Julie is looking out the window, across to Mrs Huber's house, whilst Susan is nervously pacing and fidgeting with a Frisbee.) 
Susan: OK, let's run through it one more time. 
Julie: Mom, it's not brain surgery. You'll stand guard while I crawl through Mrs Huber's doggy door. Once inside I'll find the measuring cup. Simple. 
Susan: Oh god. I hate that I'm turning you into a thief. 
Julie: It's our measuring cup. We're just taking back what's ours. 
Susan: Hey, that's right. 
(she throws the Frisbee to Julie) 
Susan: Technically we have nothing to be ashamed about. 
(she goes up to Julie and hugs her. Susan picks up a pair of yellow marigolds) 
Susan: Wear these. I don't want you to leave any fingerprints. 
(Julie looks at her mother and rolls her eyes) 
[EXT-Wisteria Lane -Outside Mayer House-Day] 
(shots of Mrs Huber driving down the street. Then we see Susan and Julie hiding behind a tree in their garden.)
Susan: There she goes. Okay, move. 
(The two of them run into the street and start playing with the Frisbee as a cover.) 
Susan: (slightly louder than needed so that people will hear) Oh, I am so glad to be playing Frisbee again. Here you go, coming atcha. 
(Julie turns and catches the Frisbee. She throws it back to her mom) 
Susan: Alright, back up a little more. There you go. Wooo! Alright, here we go. 
(Susan takes the Frisbee and throws it high over Mrs Huber's house, into her back garden.) 
Susan: Oh my! Whoops! 
(Julie looks impressed at her mother's throw.)
Susan: You'd better go get that. 
(Susan keeps watch as Julie heads off to the back of Mrs Huber's house. Mike jogs up behind Susan.) 
Susan: Mike! 
Mike: Oh, hey Susan. I thought that was you. 
Susan: Uh, yeah. Um. Julie and I are just out tossing the Frisbee around and it flew off into Mrs 
Huber's back yard. 
Mike: Oh, do you need some help? 
Susan: NO! no, no, no. Julie's got it. 
Mike: Okay. Actually I'm glad I ran into you. I just wanted to make sure that things were okay between us. The other day, you seemed kind of distant. 
Susan (she's checking to look for Julie and is totally not paying attention to him) Distant? What do you mean? 
Mike: I mean you're not mad at me for some reason, are you? 
Susan: (finally hearing what he's saying) No. No, no, not at all. 
Mike: Good. So let me take one more shot at this. I've got tickets for a Billy Wilder retrospect, Wednesday night. I'd love to take you with me. 
(Susan smiles at this.) 
Susan: You are so sweet. I would love to go. (laughs) 
Mike: (Happy) Alright. 
(They stop talking when they hear Edie's car pull up behind them. Susan looks worried when she sees Edie and realises that Julie hasn't come back yet.) 
Susan: Edie! I thought you'd be at work.
Edie: I'm not feeling well. I got sunburnt the other day washing my car. 
Susan: Well, don't just run off. Come and hang out with us. 
Edie: Boy, you are one sick ticket. 
Susan: What?
Edie: It's not bad enough that I have to watch you throw yourself at him everyday, and now you want to make sure that I see it up-close and personal? 
Susan: No! It's not like that. 
Mike: (to Susan) I've got to take off, but I'll call you about Wednesday night, okay? 
(Susan smiles at Mike and whilst she's distracted Edie heads for the door again.) 
Susan: Edie wait! Um-Mike and I were gonna go see the movies on Wednesday-and I just thought it would be fun if you joined us. 
Edie: You want me to come with you? 
Susan: Yeah. Yeah, that's okay ,isn't it, Mike? 
Mike: Well, it's a limited engagement and it's sold out. I only got two tickets. 
(Edie puts her hands up and starts to leave. She has her hand on the door as Susan cries out.) 
Susan: Edie, wait! Um, you should take my ticket. 
(Susan looks back at Mike and shrugs. Mike doesn't look too amused.) 
Edie: Really? Is that okay with you, Mike? 
Mike: (trying to find a polite way to say no) Um...yeah, sure. 
(Edie takes her coat off, showing off her form fitting top and beginning to flirt with Mike.) 
Edie: So, what time do you want to pick me up? 
(Edie walks past Susan on the steps of the house. As Susan realises what she's just done. Edie and Mike talk about arrangements for Wednesday, as we see Julie sneak around the side of the house. She's holding the Frisbee and behind that the charred measuring jug. Susan sees that her daughter's got it and is relieved.) 
[INT-Cable Guy's Apartment -Day] 
(We see the cable guy, with his arm in a sling and his neck in a brace. He's trying to get the lid off a beer. There's a knock at the door.)
Cable guy: Hang on. 
(He goes to open the door. We see it's Carlos, and he's mad. He doesn't even give the cable guy a chance to speak before he punches him in the face. He goes down after one punch. Carlos forces his way into the house.) 
Carlos: You think you can have sex with anyone you want? 
(Carlos kicks the cable guy on the floor several times. He undoes his cuff links as he prepares to carry on beating up the cable guy.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Carlos couldn't help but feel proud of himself. After all he's just defended his honour. Or had he? 
(Carlos stops for a second and looks around the room. There are posters on the wall of the musical "gypsy" He looks over the fireplace, where there are pictures of naked men's chests. He looks at the coffee table and sees a picture of the cable guy and another man in matching outfits, looking very much a couple. The cable guy is cowering on the floor as Carlos asks.)
Carlos: You're gay? 
Cable guy: Yes. Is that why you're doing this? 
Carlos: (confused) Yeah. 
(Carlos sets the picture back down and leaves, shutting the door behind him.) 
[EXT-Wisteria Lane -Outside Scavo House - Day] 
(Lynette and Gabrielle are leaving the house, laughing, when Paul approaches them.) 
Paul: Ladies. 
Lynette: Hey Paul, what's up? 
Paul: I wanted to apologise for my outburst the other day. 
Lynette: Why? We unloaded a lot on you. 
Paul: I suppose you're wondering why I reacted to violently to that note. 
(Lynette shakes her head, while Gabrielle says.) 
Gabrielle: It did cross our minds. 
Paul: Well, the truth is, Mary Alice was not a well person. She was very troubled. 
Lynette: Troubled? 
Paul: At first it was harmless. She would leave herself notes, reminders like "pick up the milk" or 
"Zach has a dentist appointment". But over time the notes became ugly. Hateful messages started showing up. Mary Alice was writing them to me, to Zach, to herself. 
(Gabrielle looks shocked at this.) 
Gabrielle: Really? 
Paul: That's why I lost it. I was reminded of what Zach and I had been through. 
Lynette: Paul, I'm so sorry. 
Gabrielle: We had no idea. 
Paul: Well, anyway. I'd appreciate it if you kept this to yourselves. 
(Lynette and Gabrielle nod in agreement) 
Gabrielle: Yeah. 
Paul: For Zach's sake. 
Lynette: Of course, of course. 
(Paul gives them a sad smile and leaves them. Lynette and Gabrielle watch him leave.) 
Gabrielle: Wow. 
Lynette: Yeah. 
Gabrielle: I think he's lying. 
Lynette: So do I. 
[INT-Scavo House-Living Room-Day] 
(shots of newspaper cuttings of Lynette's past achievements. Headlines include "Scavo Promoted to Vice President" with a picture of Lynette, that Next For Whiz Kid Lynette Scavo and "Scavo Awarded Woman of the Year" We hear the baby crying and the boys playing loudly in the background whilst Lynette stares at the evidence of her former glory. The twins run past, playing with aeroplanes. Lynette gets up and goes into the kitchen.) 
Lynette: Boys, will you come in here please? 
Porter: He broke my plane! 
Preston: Did not. 
Lynette: We'll talk about that later. Right now I need you to take some medicine. 
Porter: Are we sick? 
Lynette: Not exactly. This is a special kind of medicine. 
(Lynette's struggling to get the lid off the medication) 
Lynette: It's like a vitamin, and you'll take one everyday. 
(Lynette finally gets the lid off, but the pills spill out, going everywhere. The boys look at the pills and laugh.) 
Lynette: Stay right there. 
(She bends to pick up the pills, and when she gets back up the boys are gone. She looks worried, but then she hears laughter from under the kitchen table. She crouches down and offers the nearest twin a pill.) 
Lynette: Now open up. 
Preston: (lips sealed) uh-huh. 
Lynette: (offering the next twin) Here, you. 
(both boys refuse to take the medication.) 
Lynette: Guys, this isn't-
(she finally gives up) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: In that moment, Lynette made a decision. When it came to dealing with her children- 
(Lynette pulls the boys out from under the table and gives them both a big hug) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: -medication was no longer an option. 
(Later on) 
(The boys are still playing loudly, jumping off the arm of the sofa onto a pile of cushions.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Of course, given her continuing bundle of frustration, Lynette also felt that a little "self medication"couldn't hurt. 
(the shot of the boys playing pulls back, so we see Lynette sat at the kitchen table, she's having a very large glass of wine, with her feet up, watching her boys play. She finishes the glass and pours herself another.) 
[INT-Van Der Kamp House -Andrew's Bedroom-Day] 
(Bree is tidying Andrew's room while Andrew lies on his bed reading a magazine.) 
Bree: So what's your strategy? Are you just never going to speak to me again? 
Andrew: Something like that. 
(Bree closes the drawer where she was putting away clothes.) 
Bree: I suppose I do owe you an apology. 
Andrew: Careful, I wouldn't want you to strain yourself .
Bree: I shouldn't have lied to you about your father. You and your sister are old enough to handle the truth and I'm sorry. 
Andrew: Keep going. I'm mad at you for about seven thousand other things. 
Bree: If you think I'm going to apologise for taking you out of a strip club, you're wrong! I consider it one of my finest moments. 
(Andrew snorts and goes back to his reading. Bree sighs and sits down next to him on his bed.) 
Bree: Andrew, I know you blame me for what's happening with your father, but it's not entirely my fault and I need you to understand that. 
Andrew: I do. I just don't want him to leave.
(Bree takes her son's hand) 
Bree: Neither do I. 
(Andrew looks away for a second then asks his mother.) 
Andrew: Mom? 
Bree: Yeah? 
Andrew: When can I have my door back? 
(Andrew looks over to the entrance to his room. There is a gaping hole where his door should be. Bree picks up her washing basket and leaves the room, calling out behind her.) 
Bree: Three months. 
(Andrew cringes at the thought of three months without privacy.) 
[TV Newscast-Woman Reporter -Day] 
(The headline reads Gay Rights Advocate Victim of Hate Crime) 
Reporter: Royal Oaks was the scene of a hate crime today, when Jonathan Lithgow, local gay rights activist and part time female impersonator was brutally attacked in his home. 
(The shot pans back and we realise we're watching the news report on the TV that the cable guy just installed in the Solis bathroom) 
[Continuous - INT -Solis House - Bathroom-Day] 
(The shot continues to pull back, so we see Gabrielle and Carlos enjoying a bubble bath together, with candles throughout the bathroom.) 
Reporter: Lithgow speculated the attack was in response to his efforts to ensure same sex partner insurance from his employers, Cliffside Cable. 
(At the mention of the familiar name, Gabrielle is surprised) 
Reporter: Police are circulating this sketch of the assailant. 
(A sketch appears in the top left of the screen. It looks suspiciously like Carlos. Gabrielle looks at the screen, her brow is all burrowed up as she pieces together what she thinks happened.) 
(the news report continues on the tv) 
Carlos: Do you have something you want to ask me? 
Gabrielle: No. 
(Gabrielle goes back to scrubbing her arm, whilst watching the tv report.) 
[EXT - Wisteria Lane-Outside Mayer House -Night] 
(Mrs Huber approaches Susan's house. Susan is sat outside, drawing in her sketch book. She looks up when she sees Mrs Huber's feet standing in front of her.) 
Mrs Huber: You took it, didn't you?
Susan: (Takes off her glasses) Good evening, Mrs Huber. 
Mrs Huber: It's my own fault for not hiding the cup. Obviously if you're capable of arson, I should have known you'r be capable of breaking and entering. 
Susan: I don't know what you're talking about, Mrs Huber. 
Mrs Huber: I suppose you destroyed it. 
Susan: Again, I don't know what you're talking about. But- yeah, I did. 
Mrs Huber: I was going to keep your secret. It's a shame you couldn't trust me. 
(Susan laughs at this.) 
Susan: You're a piece of work (she stands up), you know that? 
(Susan goes to go inside.) 
Mrs Huber: Oh, Susan, let's not be unpleasant. We can go back to the same friendly relationship we're always had. 
(Susan turns at this and takes a step closer to Mrs Huber with each sentence until she is standing right over her.) 
Susan: I will keep my lawn looking nice. And I will make sure that my music isn't playing too loud and if I get some of your mail. Heck, I'll run it right over, because that's what good neighbours do. But from now on, when I run into you on the street and I say "Good morning, Mrs Huber" or "How are you, Mrs Huber" just know that inside I am quietly but decidedly hating your guts. 
(Mrs Huber has been looking incredibly nervous throughout this speech. But now she fixes her smile back in place.) 
Mrs Huber:Careful dear, let's not say things we'll live to regret. 
Susan: (With fake niceness in her voice) Good evening, Mrs Huber. 
(Mrs Huber leaves, she knows she's not going to be able to blackmail Susan now.) 
[INT-Scavo House-Kitchen-Day] 
(The four women are sat around Lynette's kitchen table drinking coffee.) 
Susan: He actually said Mary Alice was crazy? 
Lynette: Not in so many words, but everything Paul said certainly made it seem like she was schizophrenic. 
Gabrielle: I think he's hiding something. I know it. 
Bree: But, wait, what about the tape? She did say that her name was Angela. 
Lynette: Mary Alice was not crazy. 
Bree: Well, my father was a prosecutor and he always said that the simplest explanation was usually the right one. 
Susan: But remember what the note said "I know what you did. It makes me sick. I'm going to tell". That's not the kind of thing that someone writes to themselves. That's a message, sent by an enemy. 
(As the four women think about this, we cut to) 
[INT -Young House-Night] 
(A private investigator sits at Paul's table reading the note.) 
PI: So what do you want me to do about this? What is it you hired me to do? 
Paul: It's very simple really. Someone sent that note to my wife, and I need to know who. 
[EXT - Young House - shot of Paul looking through his window] 
Mary Alice Voiceover: What type of person would send such a note? Was it an enemy? Of course. But what kind? 
[EXT-Shot of the Mayer 's House] 
Mary Alice Voiceover: An acquaintance? 
[EXT -Shot of the Delfino House] 
Mary Alice Voiceover: A stranger? 
[EXT-Shot of the Huber House] 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Or how about a neighbour that lives a few feet away? 
FADE OUT




DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
1X05 - COME IN STRANGER
------------------------------------------------------------
Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives-
[INT -School-Day] 
(Lynette and the boys' teacher are talking after they've painted a girl blue) 
Teacher: The boys are in my class because I'm the only teacher that can handle them. 
(shots of Lynette dragging one of the twins who is holding on to a table for dear life) 
Teacher: We may no longer be able to accommodate them. 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Ultimatums were made-
[INT-Young House-Living Room-Night] 
(Zach is sat on the floor of the living room and he's spinning the barrel of a gun round. His dad watches him) 
Zach: Mom used this to kill herself. Why would you keep it? 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Questions were asked- 
[EXT -Young House -Night] 
(Zach answers the door. He's got the gun behind his back.) 
Bree: Are you okay? 
[INT-Scavo House-Kitchen -Day] 
(The girls are sitting around drinking coffee.) 
Gabrielle: I think he's hiding something. 
[INT-Delfino House -Night] 
(Shots of Mike on the phone and has a gun of his own) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: ?And lots of evidence was uncovered 
(Shots of diagrams of Wisteria Lane on Mike's wall, listing the houses, who lives where and the ages of the children.There are also photos of Gabrielle, Carlos, Julie and Susan) 
[INT-Solis House -Bedroom -Day] 
(shot of Carlos discovering John's sock under the bed) 
[INT-Young House -Night] 
(shot of the letter I know what you did.It makes me sick. I'm going to tell. The shot expands and we see the PI reading the note) 
PI: Exactly what is it you hired me to do?
Paul:Someone sent that note to my wife and I need to know who. 
[INT -Supermarket -Day] 
(Susan is at the checkout when Mike talks to her.) 
Mike: You like Alfred Hitchcock? 
(Susan looks up at Mike.) 
[INT -Mayer House -Kitchen-Night] 
(Mrs Huber has dropped by to give Susan a pie and blackmail her. She takes out of her bag the charred measuring cup) 
Mrs Huber: I found it in the ruins of Edie's home. 
(Susan doesn't know what to say) 
[INT-Solis House-Stairs - Day] 
(Carlos confronts Gabrielle with the discovered sock) 
Carlos: I found it under our bed. It's not mine. 
(Gabrielle shows Carlos the cleaning cupboard with the socks) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Talk about dirty laundry. 
END OF RECAP 
[EXT -Wisteria Lane-Day] 
(Shots of Julie riding her bike past an old woman) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Every neighbourhood has a woman like Alberta Fome. 
(Mrs Fome goes out to collect her mail.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: And every woman like Mrs Fome has a cat. 
(we see the cat through the window) 
[INT-Mrs Fome's House -Bedroom -Day] 
(Shots of the cat walking over an open suitcase. It's packed with clothes.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: When she travelled, Mrs Fome would arrange for friends to look after her beloved pet. 
(shots of Mrs Fome stoking the cat at the table. She is on the phone trying to arrange for a friend to look after the cat.) 
Mrs Fome: (on the phone) Thanks anyway. 
(She hangs up the phone and crosses another name off her list of people to ask. The last name on the list is Susan Mayer) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: This time, she was forced to ask her neighbour Susan Mayer. 
[EXT -Mayer House -Day] 
(The doorbell rings and Susan answers it to Mrs Fome) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Mrs Fome liked Susan. But it was common knowledge on Wisteria Lane that wherever Susan Mayer went, bad luck was sure to follow. 
(Underneath this Mrs Fome is asking Susanto look after her cat. She's nervous asking at first. And when Susan agrees she looks positively worried for her cat's well being) 
[EXT-Wisteria Lane-Outside Mayer House-Day] 
(Shot of Susan backing the car out of the driveway. She hits her dustbin) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Her misfortunes ranged from the common place- 
(Susan looks out of the window at the bin on its side) 
[EXT-Wedding Reception-Day] 
Mary Alice Voiceover: -To the unusual- 
(Susan is dressed in a gorgeous pink dress, she's flirting with a guy in a tux and goes to lean against a table. As she does, the table upends and she ends up on the floor with the contents of the table (including the wedding cake) all over her.) 
[EXT-Mayer House -Garden - Day] 
Mary Alice Voiceover: -To the truly bizarre. 
(Susan is on a stool filling her bird feeder. A bird flutters around her head and she waves her arms to shoo it away.It doesn't go and she ends up jumping off the stool trying to get away from the bird that is attacking her.) 
[EXT :Wisteria Lane -Outside Mrs Fome's House-Day] 
(Mrs Fome is in a taxi, about to drive away, she seems nervous. She's looking back at Susan, who is holding her cat,waving its paw as its owner drives away) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: As she waved goodbye, she worried that Susan's streak of bad luck would continue. For that matter, so did her cat. 
(Susan walks away with the cat, and the scene changes to a shot of Mrs Fome's house in the dark.) 
[INT-Mrs Fome's House -Night] 
(Susan and Julie enter Mrs Fome's house to feed the cat) 
Susan: (calls for the cat) Mr Whiskars.
Julie: Here kitty.
Susan Dinner time. Here kitty, kitty, kitty! 
(Susan and Julie stop looking for the cat, when they enter the kitchen and see a lot of the drawers are open) 
Susan: Cats can open drawers, can they?
Julie: Are you sure you didn't leave them open this morning?
Susan: Noway.
Julie: Wow.Do you think somebody broke in? 
(Susan's about to answer, when they see a large screwdriver on the kitchen table. Susan look worried) 
Susan: MR WHISKERS!!! 
(Susan and Julie both start frantically calling for the cat and search through different rooms to find him) 
(The shot focuses on a door to a cupboard. We see the door open and we pan down to see the shoes of an intruder.The male intruder creeps to the door, and we see the cat follow and sneak out,with the intruder closing the door behind him) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Though she didn't know it at the time Susan's luck-
(we see the intruder open the door again,and put the cat back inside the house) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: ..had finally started to change. 
OPENING CREDITS 
[EXT -Wisteria Lane -Night] 
(Shots of people all streaming towards the Scavo house) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: News that an intruder had breached the security of Wisteria Lane spread like wildfire. 
[INT-Scavo House ?Kitchen-Night] 
(Shots of people milling around, helping themselves to coffee and cakes) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: At a neighbourhood watch meeting the next night, residents voiced their concerns over the increasing dangers their community faced. 
(we watch Mike make himself coffee, and then go to find a seat with all the others) 
(shot of an old woman talking to the gathered crowd) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Mrs Eida Greenberg announced that someone was looking through her bathroom window whenever she took a shower. 
(shot of a geeky looking man talking to the gathered crowd) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Bob Fisk warned those present that an unnamed government agency was listening in to their phone conversations. 
(shot of a large, motherly looking woman talking to the gathered crowd)
Mary Alice Voiceover: Helen veil spoke of a ruthless local teenage gang that had egged her mini van. 
(the shot pans down to see a teenage boys quashed in between his parents on a sofa. He squirms, afraid of being caught out about the egging.) 
(Shot of a policeman giving a presentation to the assembled people, who are all watching attentively.) 
Policeman: There are three things that contribute to... (we can't hear what he says during the VO) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: The evening concluded with Officer Thompson offering safety tips and a plan of action. 
Policeman:So you can sign up for a situation you have control over.
(He hands a clipboard to Lynette.) 
Policeman:You can sign up for either daily or nightly patrols. I know that might seem a bit like overkill, but I assure you. 
(Susan watches Lynette hand out the clipboard. She looks over her shoulder and smiles and waves at Mike. His halfhearted response makes her turn back, disappointed.) 
Policeman:That regular surveillance will deter even the most determined criminal. So are there any other questions? Alright then, let's be careful out there. 
(everyone claps.) 
(Susan gets up and talks to the policeman.) 
Susan: Actually I do have a question. Do you have a second?
Policeman:Sure, how can I help?
Susan: Well,I'm the one who discovered the break in and I think I found some evidence.
Policeman:Evidence? 
(Susan pulls a screwdriver in a large clear plastic bag out of her purse and hands it to the policeman.) 
Susan: I think this is a screwdrivert left behind by the burglar. And I didn't touch it.
Policeman: Why didn't you give this to the investigating officers?
Susan: I tried! But they sort of laughed at me, because apparently nothing was taken from Mrs Fome's house.
Policeman:Well, I apologise for that. It was totally unprofessional.
Susan: Thank you! So do you think it should be dusted for prints?
Policeman:Yes. And I'll make sure it gets done. 
(we see Mike watching the two of them.He doesn't look amused.) 
Susan:Great. 
(the cop smiles at Susan. Susan gives him a little smile, then leaves.) 
Susan: Bye. 
[INT-Scavo House -Living Room -Night] 
(It's later on and the meeting is over.Bree is helping to pack up the folding chairs, Susan is collecting the paper cups. The others are helping to clear up, whilst the twins are jumping on the sofa, having a pillow fight.) 
Lynette:Boys! Stop it! Go to bed. 
(the boys don't stop.) 
Preston: But we're not tired.
Lynette: Well,at least go upstairs.. 
(She realises what she's holding, and holds out the half full bag of crisps to the boys. The boys see what she's holding and stop.) 
Preston: Gimme! Gimme! 
(Both boys reach for the crisps and Lynette backs away from them, towards the stairs. She throws the bag upstairs and the boys chase after them.) 
Lynette: GO!GO, GO!
Preston: C' on.
Porter: I'm right behind you. 
(Bree looks on disapprovingly at what she's just witnessed. When Lynette turns around and catches her look, she puts her hands up as if she's not going to say anything. Lynette looks pretty happy with the way she handled her kids though!!) 
[INT -Scavo House - Kitchen -Night] 
(Gabrielle and Susan are continuing to clean.) 
Gabrielle:So why weren't you sitting with Mike tonight? I thought you two were becoming an item.
Susan: I thought we were too. But he's been giving a lot of mixed signals.
Gabrielle:I'll tell you who wasn't giving mixed signals, was that sexy Officer Thompson.He was staring at you all night.
Susan: You noticed that?
Gabrielle:Honey, trust me. When they're not staring at me, I notice. 
(Susan laughs.) 
[INT-Scavo House -Living Room -Night] 
Lynette: I really do appreciate you guys staying and helping.
Bree: Oh,please! I would have hosted it myself, only the kids are going away to the mountains tomorrow and there's camping equipment everywhere.
Lynette:That's nice of you. And since we're talking about it, there's something else nice I'd like you to do. Your kids both went to Barcliff Academy, didn't they?
Bree: (very proudly) Yes.
Lynette: We need you to recommend Porter and Preston. We can't even get an interview.
Bree: Oh,you want me to recommend the twins?
Lynette:Yes, you can tell them how beautifully behaved the boys are.
Bree: So you want me to lie?
Lynette:Yeah. I thought that was understood.
Bree: It's just that I'm very well respected at Barcliff, and my word won't be good there anymore.
Lynette:Yes, but by the time they realise their mistake we'll be in. 
(Bree doesn't look too pleased about what she's been asked to do.) 
Lynette:You're not having any more kids. What do you care?
Bree: Well,I had hoped someday to get my grandchildren into Barcliff. But I suppose that doesn't matter to you, does it?
Lynette: It really doesn't. 
(Gabrielle and Susan are taking out bags of rubbish in the background. When they open the door, they hear shouting from across the street at the Young house. Bree and Lynette join them at the door.) 
Gabrielle: Paul and Zach are fighting again.
Lynette:That's the second time this week. They never used to fight like that when Mary Alice was alive.
Susan: It's a shame. They used to be such a happy family.
Bree: Just because you didn't hear them fighting doesn't mean they were happy. 
(They all look at Bree-wondering if there's anything else to what she's saying.) 
[EXT -Wisteria Lane -Day] 
(opening shots of wisteria lane, with people milling about in red hats and over a sign saying neighbourhood watch area) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: The next day as residents began to patrol Wisteria Lane in the hope of foiling potential burglars, Gabrielle was about to experience a home invasion of her own.
(we see a taxi driving down WisteriaLane. It pulls into the Solis driveway. Gabrielle comes outside. She 
wasn't expecting anyone and is confused about who it could be. A look of horror crosses her face when she sees it's-)
Gabrielle:Mama Solis! 
(her mother in law) 
Gabrielle:What are you doing here?
Mama Solis:I came to visit my son and daughter in law. What does it look like?
Gabrielle: Does Carlos know you are coming?
Mama Solis: No.He likes to be surprised. 
(Mama Solis drops her bags at her side and holds her arms out to Gabrielle.) 
Mama Solis: Now come, Gabrielle. 
(Gabrielle awkwardly goes to hug her mother in law.) 
Mama Solis: Family should always hug. (she bends in to whisper in Gabrielle's ear.) regardless of how they feel about each other. 
(Gabrielle pats her mother in law on the shoulder. Mama Solis walks off into the house, leaving Gabrielle to think about the awful time she'a going to have in the next few days with her here.) 
[INT -Barcliff Academy -Day] 
(we see a folder with a posh crest on it. the folder is opened to reveal Preston's application form for the school.(the twins' birthday is the 27th February 1998). We see that Lynette and Tom are at an interview for the school. The headmaster is looking through the file. He stops to give Lynette a distasteful look when she is tapping her hand on her bag. Lynette isn't the only nervous one, as Tom nervously looks around the room we see a selection of photographs of the headmaster on his yacht.) 
Tom: (re the boat) Wow. She's a beauty. Is that a 30 footer?
Headmaster: (without looking up from the file) 32.
Tom: Sweet.I sail. I've got a Flying Scot. 
Headmaster:Well, we have several yachting enthusiasts here at Barcliff Academy. I'll be happy to introduce them to you. 
(Tom and Lynette take this as a good sign and burst into smiles.) 
Lynette: Oh,that sounds great.
Tom:Wonderful.
Headmaster: If we decide to enrol your children. 
(Smiles fade) 

Headmaster: Tobe honest, Mr and Mrs Scavo, your children's educational background is a bit more common than we would prefer, but Mrs Van Der Kamp mentioned they were identical twins?
Lynette:Yes. Completely identical. You can't tell them apart. They're like bookends. 
Headmaster: We do strive for diversity here at Barcliff. Identical twins could make for an interesting addition.
Lynette: The boys are fascinating. They even have their own twin secret language, don't they,Tom?
Tom: Yeah,yeah. It's pretty scary.
Lynette: It's not really so much scary as highly developed.
Tom: Yeah,they bark and growl at each other-
Lynette:Sorry, Tom, Mr Lenz was trying to say something. Mr Lenz?
Tom: Sorry. Go ahead, Mr. Lenz.
Headmaster:I'd love to meet these twins of yours. I tell you what, I'm going to put them on our must-meet list.
Tom: Terrific.
Lynette:Thank you so much. 
(They are laugh and are really excited.) 
Lynette:What is a must-meet list?
Headmaster:We bring them in for observation.
Lynette:Ooo-observation? 
Headmaster: Uh-huh.To see how they play with the other children, how they respond to authority.That kind of thing. 
(Fake smiles plastered all around for Tom and Lynette.) 
Tom: Great.
Lynette:That's wonderful. 
[INT -Van Der Kamp House -Kitchen -Day] 
(Bree is packing sandwiches for Andrewand Danielle's trip.) 
Rex: Hey.
Bree: Hi.
Rex: Kids ready?
Bree:Almost. Thanks again for driving them to the bus.
Rex: Happy to do it. I miss them. 
(They look at each other sadly.) 
Bree: Did you hear there was a break in at Mrs Fome's the other night?
Rex: Yeah. I heard they didn't take anything.
(Rex pours himself a cup of coffee.) 
Bree: Well,that doesn't make it any less frightening. I mean, he could have been a sexual predator.
Rex: What?And he ended up at Mrs Fome's? Boy, that would have been a lose-lose situation.
Bree: Oh,Rex! That's not the point. 
(Bree fixes Rex's tie and jacket lapels.) 
Bree: The point is I don't feel safe here, and I was wondering if you would spend the night.
Rex: You're in the NRA, you own like four guns! If somebody broke in I'd expect you to protect me.
Bree: (sighs) Rex, the truth is, with the kids gone I'll be all by myself in this house for the first time in seventeen years.
Rex: Honey,I know it's hard to hear, but the marriage counselling may not work out. You need to get used to being alone.
Bree: You're right. That was hard to hear. 
(She turns away from him. Rex reaches for a sandwich, but Bree takes it off him.) 
Rex: What are you doing?
Bree: That is for the kids' trip.
Rex: Oh,come on! I'm staying in a motel! I haven't had a decent meal in weeks.
Bree: (with a sarcastic twist and fake smile on her face) Honey, the marriage counselling might not work out, you need to get used to bad cooking. 
(Rex almost smiles, knowing she got him good.) 
[EXT -Wisteria Lane -Outside Mayer House-Day] 
(Susan is watering her plants when a cop car pulls up behind her.) 
Officer Thompson: Hey. 
(Susan turns.) 
Officer Thompson: Screwdriver girl. 
(Susan laughs) 
Officer Thompson: I just came by to tell you that I took your evidence into the lab for fingerprints.
Susan: Oh,really? That's great.
Officer Thompson: So I'll call you if I hear something.
Susan: Okay. 
(Susan accidentally sets off the sprinkler she was using, wetting Officer Thompson)
Susan: Whoops,sorry. 
(they both laugh.) 
Officer Thompson: Actually, I'd like to call you anyway if that's okay.
Susan: Oh!Uh, you seem like a really sweet guy, in an interesting line of work. But I um(looks across the street to Mike's house) I'm not really available.
Officer Thompson: Oh ,(Crosses his arms) you have a boyfriend?
Susan: Yeah.Sort of.
Officer Thompson: Sort of? 
Susan: It's hard to explain. Even to myself.
Voice (on Officer Thompson's radio): Just incoming, we have a 907A in progress at Maple Street.
Officer Thompson: (to the radio) 10-4 I'm on my way. (to Susan) I gotta go. Apparently there's a hostage situation. (he's not serious.)
Susan: (playing along) Oh wow.
Officer Thompson: So you're really turning me down? Boy, my self esteem can't take this.
Susan: I'm sorry.
Officer Thompson: Oh, no. It's just that now my ability to help those hostages has been compromised. Still don't blame yourself for what might happen.
Susan: (Smiling)Blame myself???
Officer Thompson: Yeah, it's just hard to rescue folks when you don't feel good about yourself. (waves his hand as if it doesn't matter and walks away.)Ah, they'll probably all die anyway.
Susan: (Laughing out loud) Okay, fine I'll go out with you.
Officer Thompson: Great. I'll call you.
Susan: Now that you've gotten your date, can you tell me what that really mean -that 907A?
Officer Thompson: Someone's TV was playing too loud.
Susan: (joking) Well thank god for the thin blue line!
Officer Thompson: I'll call you. 
(He drives away, and Susan goes back to watering her plants. She squirts herself with the hose.) 
[INT-Solis House-Day] 
(Carlos and his mother are talking to each other in Spanish.) 
(Gabrielle comes downstairs.) 
Gabrielle:I'll be outside doing my yoga.
Carlos: (to his mother) (something in Spanish)I'll be right back. 
(Carlos goes after Gabrielle, who is rolling out her yoga mat on the porch.) 
Carlos: Do you have to do that now? My mother is here.
Gabrielle: (Hands on hips, being stubborn) Hey! I'm not going to stop my life just because she decides to show up. Unannounced, I might add.
Carlos: She's family. She doesn't need an invitation.
Gabrielle:Yeah, well, whatever. It's rude. 
(Gabrielle reaches up to do her sun-salutations and closes her eyes, trying to focus. Carlos storms back inside. He finds his mother sitting down knitting.) 
Carlos: It's real pretty, Mama. You were always good with your hands.
Mama Solis:So (some Spanish term of endearment), I assume you didn't insist that I travel 2,000 miles for small talk. So why am I here? 
(Carlos looks out the window at his wife doing yoga. He thinks before he answers)
Carlos: She isn't happy.
Mama Solis : (encouragingly) mm-hmm.
Carlos: I've given her everything she ever wanted, but it doesn't seem to make a difference.I fear we are drifting further and further away. 
(Carlos is getting more upset with everything he admits to his mother. His head drops low for this last part.) 
Carlos: And lately I've started thinking that maybe she could be...
Mama Solis: You think she's cheating on you. 
(Carlos nods. His eyes tear.) 
Carlos: I think so. 
(He breaks down. Mama Solis looks at him and gets up as if she's going to comfort her hurt child. But Mama Solis slaps him across the face.) 
Mama Solis:We can talk about your problems. But I'm not going to have any of that. (some Spanish words)
Carlos:Sorry, mama. 
(Mama Solis sits down. She's coming upwith a plan.) 
Mama Solis: Do you have any proof?
Carlos: No.No, it's just a feeling.
Mama Solis:I had that feeling with your father and that whore waitress. And I was right.Always trust your feelings.
Carlos: So what do I do?
Mama Solis:You don't do anything. I'll take care of it.
Carlos:Thank you, Mama.
Mama Solis:I'm sorry I had to hit you. But we're strong people, and we don't cry about our problems. 
(She looks behind her out the window at Gabrielle.) 
Mama Solis:We find ways to fix them. 
[EXT-Wisteria Lane-Day] 
(Shots of groups of two people patrolling Wisteria Lane)
Mary Alice Voiceover: Whilst the residents of Wisteria Lane kept up their patrols in an effort to prevent future break-ins, Lynette hatched a plan to break her children into Barcliff Academy. 
[INT-Scavo House-The Twin's Bedroom-Day] 
(The twins are fast asleep in bed, when their mom wakes them up.) 
Lynette:Boys? Wake up. 
(She prods Preston to wake him, and then pulls Porter by the ankles out from under the covers.) 
Lynette: You're going to have some fun today. 
(sounds of complaint from the boys who just want to go back to sleep) 
Lynette: (to Preston) Hey.
Preston: Hi. 
[EXT-Wisteria Lane-Outside Scavo House-Day] 
(We see the twins are doing lots of star jumps. Next we see them racing down the street and Lynette rides past them on a bike) 
Lynette: (encouraging them to run faster)C'on! I got you beat! 
(Next we see the boys doing sprints,back and fore, touching the ground when they reach each end. Next 
they're dragging their mother along the ground on a sled as she shouts encouragement to them to pull harder.) 
Lynette:Yes, yes, come on! 
(next we see the boys digging in the Scavo backyard. There are multiple shots, each with the boys a little further into the hole. We see Lynette lying on a sun lounger reading and drinking iced tea as the boys complain.) 
Preston: Mom?We're tired.
Porter: How much longer do we have to do this?
Lynette: I can still see your heads. The pool's not deep enough. 
(The boys heads pop up over the edge of the hole. Once they realise they're getting a pool they start digging again with no complaints. Lynette smiles, she knew they'd fall for that trick) 
[INT-Barcliff Academy-Day] 
(It's the twins' meeting day. The headmaster and Lynette stand outside the room the boys are in watching them.) 
Headmaster: Are your boys usually so docile? 
(we see the boys. They're both sitting quietly at a table. One of the boys' eyes are drooping and the other's head is practically on the table.)
Lynette:They're always a little shy at first. 
(One of the twins gets hit on the head with a ball. He doesn't even move.) 
Lynette: Look at that concentration. Porter loves his puzzles.
Headmaster:Hmm. 
(Lynette smiles, pleased her plan worked.) 
[INT-Solis House-Day] 
(Gabrielle's mobile goes off. She pulls it out of her purse and reads the text message. It says "meet me at the motel".Gabrielle looks back at her mother law and decides to leave.) 
Gabrielle:Mama, I'll be right back. I'm going to the store. 
(Mama Solis looks at her as she leaves.) 
[EXT-Wisteria Lane-Outside Solis House-Day] 
(Gabrielle puts her sunglasses on and is about to leave, when Mama Solis runs after her -she's not going to leave her alone.) 
Mama Solis: Gabrielle!I'm coming with you. I wanna make some tamales for Carlos.
Gabrielle: You know, Juanita, I'm not going to the supermarket. I'm going to the lingerie store.
Mama Solis: Good.I need some bras.
Gabrielle: I may be a while. And I may get a facial.
Mama Solis:I have a face. 
(Gabrielle gives up and let's her mother in law into the car.) 
[EXT-Wisteria Lane -Outside Delfinohouse -Day] 
(Mike is moving boxes out of the back of his truck.) 
Susan: Hey,Mike.
Mike: Hey,hows it going?
Susan: Good.I just came by to say hello.
Mike: (joking) Hello. 
(Susan gives a little laugh, then launches into why she really came over.) 
Susan: So you member that cop from the neighbourhood watch meeting ? He agreed to run a fingerprint check on the screwdriver I found at Mrs Fome's house.
Mike: He did? (he puts the box down) Nothing was taken.
Susan: Still somebody broke in, it is a crime. So the weird thing is, the cop asked me out.On a date. 
Mike: Oh?
Susan: And I sort of said Yes. I was sort of curious what you thought about that. 
(Mike looks confused and uncomfortable to be talking about this. He goes back to working under the bonnet of his car, so he doesn't have to face her.) 
Mike: You're asking my permission to go out with him?
Susan: No.no. I just uh, was wondering your opinion.
Mike: I don't really have one.
(Susan seems disappointed by this.) 
Susan: Okay.Great. Fine.Thank you. 
Mike: Susan,wait. Wait. I'm sorry. My life, it's just ah, really complicated right now-
Susan: You don't have to explain. 
(she walks away) 
Mike: Susan!
Susan: (over her shoulder) It's complicated. I get it.
(Mike is angry at himself. He throws his rag down. He goes into the garage and moves the box again. Behind it we see a rack of tools. One of his set of screwdrivers is missing.) 
[INT-Young House-Living Room-Day] 
(Bree knocks on the door) 
Bree: Paul? 
(The door is open, so she enters and sees Zach sitting on the floor with his back to her, moving a scrubbing brush repeatedly over the same spot.) 
Bree: Oh, hi,Zachery. I'm sorry. The door was open and-
Zach: (quietly, without turning around) It's okay. You can come in.
Bree: Is your father here? We were scheduled to do a patrol today.
Zach: He had to go out of town. Again.
Bree: Oh.Well,, I guess I can do it by myself. 
(she stops and looks around the room) 
Bree: Wow,this place is just immaculate.
Zach: My mom liked things clean.
Bree: Zach,she would be very proud of you. (gasps when she sees what Zach is scrubbing at)What happened to your varnish? 
Zach: It's where my mother died. They messed up the floor trying to get out the blood.
Bree: Oh. 
(Bree can't believe what she's seeing) 
Zach: I'l let my dad know you stopped by. 
(Bree is really heartbroken by what she sees.) 
Bree: Zach,do you have any plans for dinner? 
[INT-Lingerie Store -Day] 
(Gabrielle is wandering around the store, not really shopping, looking at her watch. Mama Solis is behind her) 
Mama Solis:So you shop a lot, huh? 
(Gabrielle looks through a display of knickers)
Gabrielle: Yeah.So?
Mama Solis:Most women that shop a lot, it's because they don't have anything better to do.
Gabrielle: What's your point?
Mama Solis:Well, if you had children-
Gabrielle: (walks off) Here we go.
Mama Solis: I'm just saying that children give your life purpose. You get so busy taking care of them that you don't have any time to wonder if you're happy.
Gabrielle:You know, Juanita, this is so like you. I take you on a nice shopping trip and you find ways to upset me.
Mama Solis:Oh, you didn't invite me. I invited myself. 
(Gabrielle looks at the time again) 
Mama Solis: You keep looking at your watch. Is there someplace you have to be?
Gabrielle: (a bit too loudly and forcefully) NO. 
(They get some strange looks off other women shoppers) 
Gabrielle:And for the record, I am not one of those women who has a hole in her heart that can only be filled by a baby. I like my life. A lot. It's very fulfilling. 
(She slams a set of lingerie back on the rack and storms off.) 
Mama Solis (to other shoppers who were watching the argument): Excuse my daughter in law,she's very fulfilled.
(They nod understandingly) 
[EXT:Wisteria Lane -Outside Scavo House-Day] 
(Lynette is refilling the hole the boys dug the previous day.) 
Lynette: So he just blew you off?
Susan: I told him another man asked me out, it was the perfect opportunity for Mike to be jealous. And nothing.
Lynette: Well,did you bat your eyes? You know, it doesn't work if you don't bat your eyes.
Susan:Honey, I batted everything that wasn't nailed down. I'm telling you, nothing. 
(Susan offers Lynette a bottle of water) 
Lynette: Oh,thanks.
Susan: So what's going on there? (points to the hole Lynette is filling in)
Lynette: Um(looks at her boys sleeping in two seats in the garden)Gophers. 
Susan: Wow.
Lynette: Listen, I'm sorry about Mike. I know how much you like him.
Susan: Aw,maybe it's my fault. Maybe I just imagined an entire relationship with this man that didn't exist.
Lynette:There has been flirting.
Susan: Yes,and the flirting made me think that he was kind and trustworthy and honest and hygienic. That's how it is with me. A guy just smiles at me three times and I'm picking out wedding china. I'm a mess.
Lynette: But to be fair, that is part of your charm.
Susan:That's what happened with Carl. I only dated him a couple of months. I filled in the blanks; I married him. It was a disaster! 
Lynette:You think Mike is a Carl in disguise? 
Susan: I dunno. What does that mean anyway? My life is complicated? 
[EXT-Park -Day] 
(we see a man's shoes walking through the park. The shot pans up and we see it's Mike. He's walking towards a man(Noah) sat on a park bench, watching children play football (a soccer to all the Americans) ) 
Noah: If I wanted to sit around and wait for nothing I could do it on the can. (looks at his watch). You're late. What's with the face?
Mike: I screwed up. I broke into the Fome house and almost got caught.
Noah: What's almost?
Mike: I accidentally left something behind with my prints on it.
Noah: Don't you own a pair of gloves?
Mike: It's the suburbs. I didn't think it would matter. Anyway, the police are running a check, and I'm in the system. I've got to pull up sticks before they come looking for me.
Noah: That's a sweet sound (re the noise of children playing) laughter like that, huh? It pisses me off. If and when your cover is blown, you disappear. Until then, you keep fixing the neighbourhood pipes.
Mike: The more time I spend in this town, the more I think we're making a mistake. These are nice people.
Noah: My money says one of them isn't. 
(A kid's ball rolls up to where they are sitting. Noah stops the ball, and hands it back to the boy who comes to collect it. he's all smiles, acting like a granddad helping his grandson) 
Kid: Thanks. 
(As the kid runs back to his game, Noah turns back to Mike and his smile disappears)
Noah: No more screw ups. 
(He leaves, leaving Mike watching him go) 
[INT-Solis House -Living Room-Day] 
(A south American TV show is on "a man and woman are sharing a kiss". We see Mama Solis is captivated by the show,whilst Gabrielle is watching her mother in law's enthrallment with disbelief) 
Gabrielle:I'm getting something to drink. Do you want something? 
(Mama Solis shushes Gabrielle and waves her out of the room. As Gabrielle leaves, she suddenly realises her mother in law won't notice if she leaves to see John. A smile breaks out on her face as she plans to see him) 

(We see Gabrielle sneaking around the side of the house until she reaches a garage where John is working. John looks up as he hears Mrs Solis enter. He looks angry when he sees its her) 
Gabrielle:Now don't be mad.
John: I waited at that motel for three hours for you. I had to use a month's worth of lunch money to pay for that room.
Gabrielle:It's not my fault. Juanita hasn't let me out of her sight since she got here.
John: Really?Well I don't see her now.
Gabrielle:She's watching her Mexican soap opera. The reverend's virgin daughter is about to be seduced by the escaped desperado. So until she puts out Juanita won't even know that I'm gone. 
(Gabrielle has been moving closer to John during this. She runs her hand over his chest -but he moves away, still mad) 
Gabrielle:Come on! I said I was sorry.
John: Yeah.Just so you know, I've turned down half the pep squad for you.
Gabrielle: (Laughs)You can't be serious.
John: Well,you know, I'm starting to think that maybe I should be with someone my own age.
Gabrielle:But I thought teenage girls bored you, John? I thought what we had was beyond that.
John: So did I. 
Gabrielle:So why do you want to go back to something you don't want?
John: I don't know.
Gabrielle:Maybe you're tired of me.
John: No. I wanna be with you.
Gabrielle:So why are we arguing? 
(Just as they're about to kiss, there'sa voice calling from outside) 
Mama Solis: (off screen) Gabrielle! 
Gabrielle: Dammit! (looks at her watch. She's confused) The virgin gave it up already?
John: I want you so bad. When can I see you again?
Gabrielle:Tomorrow. Meet me at the front entrance of the mall after school.
John: What about your mother in law?
Gabrielle: Don't worry. I'll think of something. (they kiss) 
Mama Solis: (off screen) Gabrielle! Gabrielle! 
Gabrielle: (screams)Coming! 
[INT-Scavo House -Living Room-Night] 
(Tom and Lynette are relaxing at the end of the day. Tom brings them drinks from the kitchen. They are sitting on the sofa) 
Tom: A donation? Now Barcliff wants a donation.
Lynette:Apparently we're in competition with one other family. A generous donation will ensure our kids beat them out.
Tom: How generous?
Lynette: (from behind her coffee mug) Fifteen thousand.
Tom: Pff! We don't have that!
Lynette: And that's what I told them.
Tom: So what do we do? Well, public school is out, unless we move to a new district.
Lynette:We're not moving.
Tom: Maybe it's time that we look into home schooling?
Lynette:(swallows the drink she just took) I know you did not just say that.
Tom: Honey,it's got its advantages. Kids who are home schooled do better in their later years.
Lynette:(seriously) They won't make it to their later years if I have to spend all day with them.
Tom: Honey,sometimes you've just got to make the sacrifice. It's probably the best thing for the kids.
Lynette:(sarcastically) Why don't we just put them back in me and cook them until they're civilised?
Tom: You'd be cool with that? 
(They both laugh) 
[INT-Van Der Kamp House-Dining Room -Night] 
(Bree and Zach are sitting down for dinner) 
Zach: I've never had plum pudding before.
Bree: I'm serving it this year for Christmas. I like to try out new recipes before the actual holiday. That way, if the cook book has gotten it wrong, I can fix it.
Zach: You must really like Christmas. You and Mr Van Der Kamp always have the best decorations on your lawn.
Bree: I adore the holidays. I never get depressed if there's a beautifully decorated tree to look at.
Zach: My mom and I would always decorate our tree together. 
(Bree looks heartbroken for him) 
Zach: This Christmas is going to be weird.
Bree: Oh,Zach. You know, my mother died when I was young. She was hit by a car.
Zach: Oh!
Bree: It was right before Christmas as a matter of fact. We were all singing carols and the dog was howling, because everyone in my family sings off-key except for me.Anyway, it was just a terrible ruckus.So no-one noticed when my mother wenta cross the street to give the neighbour their gift. The next thing we heard were brakes screeching.
Zach: Wow.
Bree: Most of my family went to the hospital, but I stayed home because I was so young.When I looked out the window I saw all my mother's blood on the street and nobody was doing anything about it. So I got a hose and I washed it off. And once it was clean, I felt so much better. 
(She shakes her head, to clear her thoughts) 
Bree: I've never told anyone that story before.
Zach: Well,those are the most interesting ones-the stories that we never tell anyone.
Bree: Yes,you're probably right.
Zach: I have one. It's more of a secret really.
(Bree leans forward, conspiratorially, really interested in what Zach's about to say) 
Bree: Ooooh.
Zach: I know why my mom killed herself .
(This wasn't what Bree was expecting to hear. She leans back, aghast) 
Bree: You do?
Zach: It was something I did. Something bad. 
(they both lean back. Bree is totally shocked, Zach realises he shouldn't have told) 
Bree: What did you do??? Zach? Sweetheart? 
(Zach grabs a hold of the full drinking glass in front of him-he's grabbing it really hard and Bree's afraid 
he'll break it and hurt himself) 
Zach: No!No, I'd better not. I shouldn't have said anything. I shouldn't have done this. 
(He gets up from his chair, and tries to leave. Bree tries to calm him down and stop him leaving) 
Zach: If my dad found out..
Bree: Zach,calm down.
Zach: No,please. I -
Bree: Zach,I won't tell your father.
Zach: I can't get you involved.
Bree: Zachery, it's alright! 
(She finally has to give up and watch him leave) 
[EXT-Wisteria Lane -Outside Mayer House-Day] 
(Susan, Gabrielle and Bree are in Susan's garden. Susan is changing a light bulb in her lamp) 
Susan: I can't believe Zach said that. What else did he tell you?
Bree: Nothing.That's it. Just that Mary Alice killed herself because of something he had done.
Susan: You couldn't get any more out of him?
Bree: Oh, I tried. But he was so nervous he actually started shaking and then he just left.
Gabrielle:Okay, this is getting really weird. I think we should go to the police.
Bree: And tell them what? We don't even have the note anymore, we gave it to Paul.
Susan: Then you're going to have to get Zach to tell you something, so we have more to go on.
Bree: Girls,you don't understand. This poor kid is scared out of his mind.
Gabrielle:Oh, for god's sake, Bree, you're a woman. Manipulate him. It's what we do!
Bree: But how? 
Gabrielle: I don't know. How do you usually manipulate Rex? 
(Bree thinks for a second, then a hugesmile spreads over her face) 
[EXT-Young House -Day] 
(Zach answers his front door to find Bree there) 
Bree: Hello,Zachery. Are you free for dinner tonight? 
Zach: Sure.
Bree: Oh,good, because last night you put me in such a holiday mood, so I'm going to make roast turkey and canned yams and egg nog. Have you ever had real old-fashioned egg nog? 
Zach: No, I don't think so.
Bree: Oh!You are going to love it! It has quite a kick.. 
[INT-Scavo House -Living Room-Day] 
(the boys are kicking a football around and diving all over the place playing. Lynette looks up from her book (The fun of home schooling) to despair at the thought of 24 hours a day with her boisterous boys) 
Lynette: Boys,could you stop? 
(The boys don't stop playing -just get noisier. She gives up, throws the book down and leans back on the sofa. But she leans against something stuffed down the side. She pulls it out-it's a toy boat) 
Preston: MOM!MOM! HE'S HITTING ME!
Porter: No,I'm not! 
(Lynette just holds her head and looks at the boat) 
[INT:Shopping Mall-Day] 
(Gabrielle is looking through racks of clothes with her mother in law)
Mama Solis: Gabrielle, please! You've bought me enough things. You're the one that's supposed to be shopping.
Gabrielle:Oh, Mama, you're in a rut! We need to spice up your wardrobe. (Spies somethingshe likes) Oooh, try this one on. 
(Mama Solis doesn't know what to do) 
Gabrielle:Go on, try it on.
[INT-Changing Rooms -Day] 
(Gabrielle checks her make-up in a changing room mirror) 
Gabrielle: Mama Solis, how're you doing in there?
Mama Solis: (out of breath) Is it supposed to be so tight?
Gabrielle:Yes, it's form-fitting. You're going to look great.
Mama Solis: Gabrielle,I don't think this dress is right for me. I can't breathe! 
(Gabrielle spies a brightly coloured top with security tags on it on a chair in the dressing room. She has an idea, she picks up the top) 
Gabrielle: Well,maybe I made a mistake. 
(She bundles up the top and puts it in one of Mama Solis' shopping bags) 
Gabrielle:While you get changed I'm going to run to the book store. 
(Gabrielle grabs her purse and starts to run out of the changing room, desperate to get away from Juanita) 
Mama Solis: (Still in the cubicle struggling with the dress) Gabrielle! Wait! Wait, I'm coming with you.
Gabrielle: No,no, I'll just be a minute. 
(Mama Solis finally gets the dress off and comes out of the cubicle, about to chase after Gabrielle. She stops when she realises she's not dressed) 
(Gabrielle is hurrying out of the store.We see Mama Solis, now dressed, flatten her hair, grab her bags and give chase to her daughter in law) 
(They're now both running through the store) 
Mama Solis: Gabrielle!Wait! 
(As Mama Solis leaves the store,attempting to catch Gabrielle, she sets off the security alarms.) 
Shop Assistant: (stopping Mama Solis) Ma'am. Ma'am. I'm sorry I'm going to need to look at your bags please. 
(Gabrielle smiles and keeps on walking) 
Mama Solis:Alright. Just hurry up.(she watches which direction Gabrielle goes in) 
[EXT-Mall-Day] 
(We see Gabrielle, very happy with herself, push open the doors and walk up to John who was waiting for her outside) 
John: Right on time. 
(They kiss) 
[INT-Mall-Day] 
(The shop assistant is holding up the blouse with the security tags on it that she found in Juanita's bag) 
Mama Solis:I'm telling you I don't know where that blouse came from.
Shop Assistant: Security! (there are two security guards standing near by)
Mama Solis:(pushes past the shop assistant) Alright! Keep your stupid blouse. I have to find my daughter in law. 
(The two security guards stop her) 
Mama Solis: Don't touch me! (Pushes them away) Don't you dare touch me! 
(The security guards lift her up and drag her back into the store, kicking and screaming all the way) 
Security Guard #1: Ma'am you're going to have to come with us.
Mama Solis: Get off me! Gabrielle! 
[INT-Van Der Kamp House -Kitchen -Day] 
(Bree is preparing the feast for her and Zach that night. The turkey is done and so are a number of other dishes. She's humming Christmas carols. The phone rings) 
Bree: Hello? 
(The shot goes to split screen. One half stays with Bree in the kitchen, the other half shows Rex who's on the other end of the phone, in his motel room) 
Rex: Hey,it's me.
Bree: Oh, hi,Rex. How are you? Is something wrong?
Rex: Well, I was just about to grab dinner from the motel vending machines when it occurred to me. What the heck. I'll go out.Would you like to have dinner with me? 
(Bree looks around at everything she's cooked and her plans for the night) 
Bree: Uh?(we don't hear her answer) 
[EXT-Wisteria Lane -Outside Van Der KampHouse -Day] 
(Bree is leaving her house, wearing dark sunglasses. Zach is on his way over to meet her) 
Zach: Mrs Van Der Kamp, guess what's found all of mom's old Christmas stuff.
Bree: Oh,sweetie, I was just coming over to talk to you. I'm so sorry, but something really important came up and I have to cancel.
(Zach doesn't look like he's taking this bit of news very well)
Zach: Really?
Bree: We will do it again. (She reaches out to touch his face) We'll have our impromptu holiday dinner, I promise. Bye. 
(She runs off to her car, leaving Zach standing there) 
[EXT-Dark Street-Night] 
(We see a police car drive past an alley.We see that Susan and Officer Thompson are in the car.) 
Susan: I've got one. Kelly Holstatter. In eighth grade she used to spit in my gym shoes. 
(Officer Thompson enters the name on his computer, and information about her comes up on the screen.) 
Officer Thompson: Kelly Holstatter. Here. Two DUIs, one cheque kiting and one open bench warrant.
Susan: How tragic! By which I mean, yay? 
(they laugh) 
Officer Thompson: Yeah, you've been a really good sport, coming along on my shift with me.
Susan: Well,time flies when you're on a stakeout in crack town. 
(they laugh again) 
Susan: So when does our official date begin? 
Officer Thompson: (Looks at his watch) Well, taxpayers say twenty minutes but I say now. 
(He closes his computer screen) 
[INT-Scavo House -Kitchen - Night] 
(Lynette is clearing up crumbs from the table, the book is open on the table) 
Tom: They're down.
Lynette: Oh,thank you. 
(They kiss) 
Tom: (Sees the book and is thrilled) Honey, you've been reading up on home schooling?
Lynette:Yeah. It gave me some good ideas. Well, one, anyway.
Tom: Great!What have you got?
Lynette:Well, you know how we both agree that one of us needs to stay home and parent the kids and one of us needs to go off and make a living. And then I suddenly remembered, when I was working I made a little more than you. 
(Tom looks scared out of his mind, as he's figured out where this conversation is going) 
Tom: What are you doing?
Lynette: You tossed out that little Sacrifice comment a while ago and it occurred to me,I've made sacrifices over the past six years. I gave up my career! If another sacrifice has to be made, I think it's your turn on the merry-go-round.
Tom: L-L-Lynette?
Lynette: So if I went back to work, then you could stay home and take care of the kids.
Tom: I can't do that. The kids all day? I'd lose my mind!
Lynette:Ah-ha! 
(Lynette smiles, she's proved her point) 
Tom: Hey,hey. (puts his hands up) Okay, I get it. Home schooling is out (throws away the book). So how are we going to scrape together fifteen grand for this endowment?
Lynette:(Faking it) Hmmm. How? (She wrings her hands and leans against the fireplace,where there are lots of pictures of the kids and of Tom on his boat). 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Lynette was so desperate to avoid home schooling, that she saw no other options on the horizon until a solution sailed into view. 
(Lynette smiles at the pictures, then looks back at Tom) 
Tom: Oh no.
Lynette:Aye, aye. 
[EXT-Dark Street-Night] 
(Officer Thompson is getting changed ready for the beginning of his date with Susan. They boot of his car is open as he gets his clean shirt out) 
Officer Thompson: So the restaurant is run by this little old guy named Arnello. He will propose to you. Don't say yes, because he's dead serious. (laughs)
Susan: But what if I like him? 
(As officer Thompson pulls out his new shirt, she sees the screwdriver she gave him still in its plastic bag) 
Susan: Hey,I thought this went to the lab. 
(he realises he's been caught out) 
Officer Thompson: Alright. You got me.
Susan: And that means what?
Officer Thompson: Look, Susan, no one would authorise lab time or a computer search for a case like this. It's just not a priority.
Susan: So why couldn't you just tell me that?
Officer Thompson: Well, I thought we were clicking. Does this need to be a big deal?
Susan: Well,if you'd only lied to me about it once, it wouldn't be.
Officer Thompson: Alright, I get it. You want me to beg. Okay, look at me. (He goes down on his knees) I'm begging. (He's laughing, like its just a joke but Susan doesn't see it that way). C'on, don't be such a girl about this.
Susan: I know who you are. You're a Carl in disguise. I'm done with you: all of you. 
(She collects her bag from the front seat of the patrol car and walks off) 
Officer Thompson: Oh, come on, drama queen. What are you doing? Where are you going?It's not safe.
Susan: I'd rather take my chances on the street, thank you very much.
Officer Thompson: Urgh. Why do I always pick the psychos? 
[EXT-Wisteria Lane -Outside Van Der Kamp House-Night] 
(Zach is walking over to the Van Der Kamp House. He's carrying an axe. He smashes a pane of the back door) 
[EXT-Streets -Night] 
(Susan is wandering the streets) 
Susan: (to a hooker) Excuse me. I think I'm lost.
Hooker: You best be lost. This here's my corner.
Susan: Oh!Uh, yes, and a lovely corner it is too. I hate to bother you while you're working but I was just wondering if you could point me in the direction of a pay phone. Oh, and if you had some change for this five (takes a five dollar bill out of her purse), preferably quarters?.
Hooker:Honey, if I got paid in quarters, I'd be doing something very wrong.
Susan: Right!Okay. Thank you. (she quietly puts the money back in her purse and starts to leave)
Hooker: Hey,you wanna use my cell? I have weekend minutes.
Susan: Oh,thank you so much! You're saving my life!! 
(a car pulls up and honks) 
Hooker: Oh,excuse me, honey.
Susan: Oh,yeah, sure, go ahead. Do what you've got to do. 
(Susan dials a number and waits) 
Susan: (to herself) Oh please answer. C'on, pick up, Julie. (Julie picks up the phone) Oh,thank god. Listen, don't ask any questions, just get somebody down here to pick me up at the corner of Ninth and Foster. 
(a car slows down in front of Susan) 
Driver: Hey,babe.
Susan: Thank you,no, I'm on a break. (to Julie, begging) Hurry Please! 
[EXT-Wisteria Lane-Outside Van Der Kamp House -Night] 
(there are police cars and flashing lights everywhere, when Bree and Rex arrive) 
Rex: Excuse me, we got a call. Something about a break in?
Policeman:One of your neighbours reported seeing someone forcing his way into your home.We sent some guys out to investigate and uh-
Bree: What is it?
Policeman: I gotta tell you ma'am, I thought I'd seen a lot of things on the job but, uh,this is something else. 
(he opens the front door and leads them inside. Once inside they see that there are sparkling lights everywhere, with Christmas garlands strung over the walls and a gorgeous tree has been decorated in their living room. As Bree walks into the room, she sees three stockings hung over the fireplace -they have the names Paul, Zach and Mary Alice on them) 
(There's a time jump to) 
[INT-Van Der Kamp House-Living Room -Night] 
Rex: So let me get this straight. He chopped down one of our pine trees?
Policeman: I'm afraid so. 
(Zach is led out from the other room in handcuffs by a different policeman) 
Bree: Zach,why did you do this?
Zach: I don't know.
Bree: (to the policeman holding Zach) Take off those handcuffs please.
Policeman:Ma'am, he confessed to breaking in.
Bree: This is NOT up for discussion. 
(The policeman looks to Rex for approval) 
Rex: Go ahead. 
(Just as they are removing Zach's handcuffs, Paul walks in. The policeman holds him back) 
Paul: Zach?!
(Paul seems mad. He runs his hand over his face, as if he's unsure what to do. Zach is like a deer caught in headlights. He can't run away. He slowly reaches for Bree's hand. Bree's shocked to feel his hand in hers, but she holds it and looks at him - He's terrified of his dad.) 
[EXT-Dark Street-Night] 
(Susan is still waiting on the street corner, when a blue van pulls up looking for her. It's Mike) 
Mike: (he calls out the window to her) You okay?
Susan: Yeah.
Mike: (Smiling)Then how much for a trip around the world? 
(Susan rolls her eyes, then walks towards the car) 
Susan: I cannot believe Julie sent you. She is soon going to be dead. 
(Mike opens the door for her) 
Mike: C'on,get in. 
(Susan sighs, and gets in. she throws the screwdriver onto the dashboard. Mike sees it) 
Mike: Wasn't that sent in for prints?
Susan: No.The cop lied to me. 
(Mike sighs with relief) 
Susan: I don't want to talk about it.
Mike: I was just asking. 
(They drive off) 
[INT-Solis House -Night] 
(Gabrielle is talking on the phone,coming down the stairs) 
Gabrielle:(on the phone) Yes, apparently they found a blouse in her bag-Oh, I don't know, Carlos. At some point older people just start to get confused. She probably thought she paid for it. No. No charges. 
(She looks in on Mama Solis, who is knitting in the living room) 
Gabrielle:(on the phone) No, everything is fine. I'll tell her. Bye. (she hangs up the phone) 
Gabrielle:Mama Solis, Carlos is going to be late home for dinner. It's just the two of us.What would you like to eat?
Mama Solis:Oh, I'm not hungry.
Gabrielle:Okay, suit yourself. 
(She leaves) 
Mama Solis: Don't go yet. I need to talk to you. 
(She turns around) 
Mama Solis:It's important. Please. 
(Gabrielle grudgingly sits down with her mother in law. Mama Solis continues to knit throughout their conversation) 
Mama Solis:I married Diego Solis when I was 16 years old. A few months into our marriage he started to beat me. I was so young and stupid I didn't know what to do.
Gabrielle: Juanita,I had no idea.
Mama Solis:It got so bad that I started praying to god to let me die. But god in his infinite wisdom gave me a reason to live.
Gabrielle:Carlos.
Mama Solis: Ay,he was a beautiful baby. But my husband wasn't much of a father. He never held him. He would yell and scream at him for no reason at all. One night, when Carlos was four, Diego Solis came home,drunk. And he beat my Carlos. Something inside me snapped, and at that moment I found a way to be strong. So I made sure that Diego Solis would never hurt my son or me ever again. 
Gabrielle:What did you do?
Mama Solis:Well, if you pray hard enough, god gives you the tools to your salvation. 
(The shot begins to focus on the knitting needles and the sharp metallic noise they make when they scrape together.Gabrielle flinches) 
Gabrielle:Carlos said that his father left for a waitress in El Passo.
Mama Solis:(nods) That's what he was told. Mothers know they have to protect their children. But some of us take our job more seriously than others.
Gabrielle:(pulls her top closer together to cover herself) I don't know why you're telling me this. 
(Mama Solis looks straight at her, with no nonsense) 
Mama Solis:I think you do. 
(shot of Gabrielle watching her mother in law knit with the extra loud clickety clack of the needles) 
[EXT-Wisteria Lane -Outside Mayer House-Night] 
(Mike's car pulls up in front of Susan's house. The atmosphere is very awkward in the car) 
Mike: Okay,I know you're mad at me and I'm sorry I didn't stop you from going out with that guy.
Susan: I'm not mad at you. I mean I'm not just mad at you-I'm mostly mad at myself.
Mike: Okay.
Susan: I'm mad that I like you so much without knowing anything about you.
Mike: Oh.What do you want to know?
Susan: What's your favourite food?
Mike: Mexican. 
(he turns to face her in the car) 
Susan: What's your favourite sport? 
Mike: Football.
Susan: Favourite band?
Mike: Elvis Costello.
Susan:That's a guy not a band.
Mike: It's a guy with a band. 
(Susan smiles. She breaks eye contact before asking the question she really wants to know the answer to) 
Susan: What do you think of me? 
(Mike looks away from her. he's having trouble figuring this out himself. Susan worries about what he's going to say.But she needn't as he makes up his mind and leans over to kiss her (AWWW)) 
Susan:(sighs happily) I'm sorry, could you repeat that? 
(They smile at each other and kiss again) 
[EXT-Wisteria Lane -Young House-Night] 
(Bree is going over to the Young house to check on Zach. As she approaches she hears arguing. At this she stops outside their door, unsure what to do) 
Zach: What?What do you want to talk about?
Paul: Do you realise how obscene this looks?
Zach: Do you even care about me at all? Did you even care about mom? 
(Bree starts to leave) 
Paul: Don't talk to me that way.
Zach: I think I just did. 
(Sounds of something smashing. At this Bree realises she can't turn a blind eye and knocks on the door. Zach opens the door as if nothing strange is happening) 
Zach: Mrs Van Der Kamp.
Bree: Hi,Zach. I just wanted to see if everything was alright.
Zach: Everything's fine.
Bree: Are you sure?
Zach: Yes.
Bree: Oh,well, okay. I'll see you tomorrow then.
Zach: I'm sure that you will. 
(Zach closes the door, and walks away.He walks past his father who is on the floor with a cut lip) 
[EXT - Wisteria Lane -Day] 
(shots of the neighbourhood watch people patrolling the streets) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: People by their very nature are always on the lookout for intruders. 
[INT-Barcliff Academy-Corridor-Day] 
(The twins are running about in their school uniforms. They run into the headmaster who can't believe what he's seeing. Lynette is trying to catch up to the boys. She smiles apologetically as she passes the headmaster) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Trying to prevent those on the outside getting in. 
[EXT-Solis House-Day] 
(Gabrielle is going outside to do her yoga. But she sees Mama Solis sat outside knitting. She gives up and heads back inside) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: But there will always be those who force their way into our lives. 
[EXT-Mayer House -Day] 
(Susan and Julie open their front door.Mike is there with a pizza. They welcome him in, with happy smiles all around) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Just as there will be those that we invite in. 
Susan: Hi.
Mike: Hi. 
[EXT -Van Der Kamp House -Day] 
(Bree comes outside ready to do some gardening. She looks next door and sees-) 
[EXT-Young House-Day] 
(Paul is walking Zach to the car,carrying a bag. Zach's head is down, he's upset. Bree watches as they both get into the car and drive away) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: But the most troubling of all will be the ones that stand on the outside looking in. The ones we never truly get to know.




Desperate Housewives
1X06- Running to Stand Still
------------------------------------------------------------
Mary Alice begins speaking as the camera pans over to Gabrielle��
Previously on "desperate housewives"
Zach:I know why my mom killed herself.
Mary Alice Voiceover:Secrets were revealed.
Gabrielle:This is getting really weird.I think we should go to the police.
Mary Alice Voiceover:Relationships got complicated.
Gabrielle:Mama Solis. What are you doing here?
Mama Solis��So you think she's cheating on you?
Carlos��I think so.
Mama Solis��I'll take care of it.
Rex: We got a call --something about a break-in.
Policeman:I thought I'd seen a lot on the job,but this is something else.
Mary Alice Voiceover:And the mystery...
Bree: Zach, why did you do this?
Zach:I don't know.
Mary Alice Voiceover: Deepened.
Rex:Zach.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mary Alice Voiceover:Suburbia is a battleground, an arena for all forms of domestic combat. Husbands clash with wives, parents cross swords with children, but the bloodiest battles often involve women and their mothers-in-law. 

[Carlos's house]
(Inside the house, where the two of them and Mama Solis eat breakfast.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:The war for control of Carlos began the night he proposed, and Gabrielle had been losing ground to Juanita ever since. From the prenuptial agreement which she reluctantly signed, to the selection of wedding music she despised, the color of the house paint she hadn't wanted ... Gabrielle had suffered one defeat after another. And now that Juanita suspected her daughter-in-law of having an affair, it had became increasintly apparent that in this war...
Yoa Lin: "Mrs. Solis, I'll be at the market."
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...no prisoners would be taken."
Gabrielle: "Thank you, Yoa Lin." 
Mama Solis: "I don't see why you have her." 
Gabrielle: "It's a big house. I need help." 
Mama Solis: "It's only called help when you do some of the work yourself." 
Gabrielle: "I supervise." 
Mama Solis: "You pay her $300 a week. That's $15,000 a year. Carlos, you always say how you're not putting away enough for retirement!" 
Carlos: "You know, baby, it would be a good idea if we cut back on expenses." 
Gabrielle: "You expect me to take care of this place all by myself?" 
Carlos: "Other women manage..."
(He gets up from the table and Gabrielle looks at Mama Solis, who smiles triumphantly. )
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Gabrielle's Bedroom]
(Carlos lies on the bed, reading, when Gabrielle glides into the room in a revealing outfit of bra and underwear. She clears her throat, crawls on the bed, and straddles Carlos. She kisses him, and then sighs.) 
Carlos: "Mmmm... that's nice.." 
Gabrielle: "You like that?" 
Carlos: "Oh yeah." 
Gabrielle: "God, I'm gonna miss this, Carlos." 
Carlos: "What do you mean?" 
Gabrielle: "Well, since, I'm gonna have to be doing the cooking, and the cleaning, and all the shopping, like the other wives..." 
Carlos: "Mmm hmm..." 
Gabrielle: "...I'm going to be exhausted at night--just like all the other wives ... till I build up my stamina, of course, but that might take a couple years..."
(She kisses Carlos down his body as he frowns.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(The Next Morning)
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Sadly for Juanita, she had ignored the first rule of war..."
(Carlos comes down the stairs.) 
Mama Solis: "Good morning, Carlos." 
Carlos (emphatically): "The maid stays."
(He leaves.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Never underestimate your enemy!"
(Mama Solis looks up to the staircase where Gabrielle stands, triumphant.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Outside of Paul Young's House; Yard Sale]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Of the many suburban rituals, none is quite so cherished as the neighborhood yard sale. The shoppers come to sift through the discarded belongings of someone they don't really know, in hopes of finding bargains they don't really need, each so determined to save a few pennies, they often miss hidden treasures..."
(Paul puts things in a box and closes the top, revealing that the box is labeled "Baby Stuff.") 
(Susan walks up to him.) 
Susan: "Hey, Paul." 
Paul: "Hi, Susan." 
Susan: "I got to say, I was a little surprised to see Mary Alice's award for sale. She got it for doing charity work, from the Chamber of Commerce." 
Paul: "Zach and I are moving. We don't need to carry any more with us than is absolutely necessary." 
Susan: "That makes sense. Still, I just want to make sure you didn't want to keep it, for Zach, something to remember his mother by." 
Paul: "Zach doesn't need a piece of glass to remember his mother. I'm out of newspaper." (He picks up a yellow/green blanket to wrap the glass.) "Here, let's call it ten bucks for everything." 
Susan: "Great. Speaking of Zach, I haven't seen him around lately." 
Paul: "He's been a bit depressed. I thought he could use a change of scenery, so I sent him to stay with relatives." 
Susan: "Oh, which ones?" 
Paul: "You don't know them." 
Susan: "So, how'd you get the fat lip?" 
Paul: "The usual way. Asking too many questions."
(Paul walks away and Susan picks up the box and walks over to where Gabrielle is.) 
Gabrielle: "Did you find out where Zach is?" 
Susan: "No, but I can tell you this much. He's not staying with relatives."
(Carlos and Mama Solis stand off in a corner. Mama Solis looks at a record album while Carlos surveys the crowd.) Carlos: "It's driving me crazy, mama. It could be any one of these guys she's having the affair with." 
Mama Solis: "Don't worry about it. I'm not letting her out of my sight." 
Carlos: "Now, who the hell is that? And look at the way she's touching him. You think that's the guy she's having the affair with? " 
Mama Solis: "Carlos, don't be stupid. A guy she talks to in public isn't someone you're gonna worry about." 
Carlos: "So it's someone that she doesn't talk to. What do I have to do? Beat up every guy in town?" 
Mama Solis: "Marriage takes work!"
(They walk away, passing by John, who looks after them.) 
(Lynette, Bree, and Susan stand talking to each other. Gabrielle joins them soon after.) 
Lynette: "I'm not surprised that he's playing it close to the vest. Paul knows we're on to him." 
Bree: "Zach said Mary Alice killed herself because of something that he had done, something bad. Is there anyone else who'd know what he was talking about?" 
Susan: "No. That's why we have to find him. It's the only way we'll know the truth." 
Bree: "It just doesn't make any sense. Zach is such a sweet kid. I can't imagine him doing anything that terrible." 
Gabrielle: "Well, he did break into your house. I mean, the kid is obviously troubled in some way."
(Bree sighs.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Silvercrest Juvenile Rehabilitation Center]
(Inside, Paul and a doctor stare through the window on the door of Zach's room. He sits on his bed, his head bowed as he eats from a tray of food.) 
Dr. Sicher: "Severe depression. Borderline personality disorder. Zach is a deeply troubled young man." 
Paul: "I'm aware of that. What are you giving him?" 
Dr. Sicher: "Some antidepressants and a mood stabilizer." 
Paul: "Good." 
Dr. Sicher: "I'm also recommending extensive psychotherapy, to help him with everything he repressed..." 
Paul: "I don't think so." 
Dr. Sicher: "Mr. Young, I can't just medicate him indefinitely." 
Paul: "Forget the Freud and stick with the drugs. No new treatments without my permission."
(He walks away.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[School Gym]
(Lynette is seated with a group of women gathered near a stage.) 
Ms. Truesdale: "I think this is going to be a great version of Little Red Riding Hood, and it is your involvement that make the plays here at Barcliffe Academy so special. Thank you." (clapping) "And now, I would like to turn over the next part of our meeting to our parent coordinator, the amazing Maisy Gibbons." 
Maisy: "Thank you, Ms. Truesdale. Now, before everyone leaves, we have new copies of the script up here. Tilda and Francis and I went to the rehearsal yesterday, and we were a little troubled by the ending. Killing the wolf. It says the wrong message to our kids. And we believe that animals should only be euthanized as a last resort."
(Lynette laughs.) 
Maisy: "Do you find something amusing?" 
Lynette: "I'm sorry, I thought you were kidding." 
Maisy: "No." 
Lynette: "Oh, okay." 
Maisy: "So in our version, the wolf is aggressive because he has a thorn in his paw. And the woodsman will take out the thorn, and send Mr. Wolf on his way." 
Lynette: "I'm sorry, aren't we doing Little Red Riding Hood?" 
Maisy: "Yes." 
Lynette: "So then you are aware that the wolf is a bad guy. He eats Little Red's grandma. If you let him go, he's just going to chow down on another defenseless old lady." 
Maisy: "I'm sorry, and you are?" 
Lynette: "I'm Lynette Scavo. My twins just joined. They're playing oak trees." 
Maisy: "Oh, of course. Lynette. Let's see, you are ... signed up to take tickets the night of the show, is that right?" 
Lynette: "Yeah." 
Maisy: "Well, with all due respect, let's leave the creative suggestions to the mothers who have assumed the heavy lifting, shall we?" 
Lynette: "Sure. Whatever."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bree's House]
(Gabrielle and Mama Solis sit at Bree's kitchen table, drinking coffee Bree pours for them.) 
Bree: "I must say, I'm jealous of how much time you two spend together. My mother-in-law would never want to hang out with me all day." 
Gabrielle: "She sounds nice."
(Danielle walks into the house with John.) 
Danielle: "Hey!" 
Bree: "Oh, hey there, you two!" 
Gabrielle: "Hi, John." 
John: "Mrs. Solis." 
Gabrielle: "I wasn't aware you two were friends." 
John: "Yeah, we go to the same school." 
Gabrielle: "Of course you do." 
Danielle: "Mom, if you need anything, we'll be upstairs in my room studying." 
Bree: "Have fun."
(Danielle and John leave.) 
Gabrielle: "Doesn't it make you nervous, a boy alone upstairs with Danielle?" 
Bree: "Oh no, I don't worry about John. Both he and Danielle are in the abstinence club."
(Gabrielle chokes and spews out coffee.) 
Gabrielle: "The coffee is a little hot."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Outside Susan's House]
(Susan opens up her mailbox and takes out her mail. When she turns around, she sees Paul getting into his car across the street.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Susan was infuriated by Paul's evasive answers."
(Susan stares at Paul across the street.) 
Paul: "Hey!"
(He waves at her.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"She was convinced he was deliberately hiding Zach, and hiding the truth. She hoped that finding one would lead to the other. To succeed, Susan would have to be evasive herself."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Mrs. Greenberg's House]
(Susan rings the doorbell of Mrs. Greenberg's house, holding a package of eggs.) 
Mrs. Greenberg: "Susan. Long time, no see." 
Susan: "Mrs. Greenberg. Do you remember those two eggs I let you borrow last Christmas?"
(She opens up her carton eggs and motions to the two empty spaces in the container.) 
Susan: "I need those back." 
Mrs. Greenberg: "Well gosh, honey, I'm fresh out, but if you want, I could run to the store." 
Susan: "Oh, forget about it, it's not that important, but since I'm here, do you still have that old hatchback sitting in your garage? Can I borrow it tomorrow?" 
Mrs. Greenberg: "You want to borrow my car?" 
Susan: "Just for a couple of hours." 
Mrs. Greenberg: "Well, I'm not sure. Do you know how to drive a stick?" 
Susan: "Yes, I think so. I learned in college. It's like riding a bike, right?" 
Mrs. Greenberg: "I'm not sure, dear." 
Susan: "It's not big deal. It's just for a couple of hours. I let you borrow my eggs for a whole year."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Dr. Goldfine's Office]
Dr. Goldfine: "First off, I'm very pleased with the work we've done in our sessions thus far. We're making excellent progress." 
Bree: "Thank you, I feel really good about it." 
Dr. Goldfine: "But there are a few areas of your marriage we haven't covered yet." 
Bree: "Oh, really. Like what?" 
Rex: "Um, I've told Dr. Goldfine in our private sessions that I'm not happy with our sex life." 
Dr. Goldfine: "And Rex feels when you two have intercourse, you're not as connected as you could be." 
Bree: "Connected?" 
Rex: "Well yeah, it's like you're thinking about other things. Is your hair getting messed up? Did you remember to buy the toothpaste? You're just not there." 
Dr. Goldfine: "This kind of disconnect is often a symptom of a deeper problem." 
Rex: "So, we were talking, and the idea of a sexual surrogate came up." 
Dr. Goldfine: "This is a licensed professional who'd work with you as a couple on solving whatever sexual problems you may be having. I have an excellent referral." 
Bree: "And what would this sexual surrogate person do?" 
Rex: "Well, she would coach us." 
Bree: "She!" 
Dr. Goldfine: "She's very discrete. You'll hardly notice she's there." 
Bree: "Oh. So she would be in the room with us, while we make love?" 
Rex: "Yes, helping us to achieve maximum sexual potential." 
Dr. Goldfine: "Do you have any questions?" 
Bree: "Just one. How much longer is your midlife crisis going to last, because it is really starting to tick me off!"
(She gets up and walks out.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Lynette's House]
(The four women are seated around the dining room table, cards in front of them. Mama Solis is sitting off to the side, knitting.) 
Lynette: "All right. I think everyone is down for a nap. We've got no more than an hour. Let's get cracking. Five car draw, nothing wild." 
Bree: "So how is it going with Mike, Susan?" 
Susan: "It's going, finally. We have our first official date next week. I think he's taking me to see a play or something." 
Lynette: "Might I suggest the Barcliffe Academy production of Little Red Riding Hood?" 
Susan: "Oh, that's right, the twins-stage debut!" 
Gabrielle: "Are they having fun?" 
Lynette: "Sure, they get to play oak trees. I'm the one who has to deal with all the drama behind the scenes." 
Bree: "Oh, I take it you've met Maisy Gibbons." 
Lynette: "She's a total nightmare. I guess I shouldn't have challenged her." 
Bree: "Oh, dear." 
Lynette: "Because now no one on the play committee even wants to talk to me." 
Bree: "Oh, Maisy does love to rule her little kingdom." 
Susan: "It hasn't really changed since Girl Scouts. Girls smile at you to your face, and then behind your back, they make fun of you because you're the only one not shaving your legs yet."
(Gabrielle gets up and goes to the living room where chips and dip are on a platter. She takes some as the women talk.) 
Lynette: "That would have never happened in Boy Scouts. When I worked, mostly with men, I preferred the way they fought. A guy takes his opponent on, face to face, and once he's won, he's top dog. It's primitive, but it's fair." 
Susan: "And a lot less sneaky." 
Gabrielle: "Isn't it sexist of us to generalize like this?"
(Gabrielle goes to the window and peeks outside, seeing John working outside across the street.) 
Lynette: "It's science, Gabrielle.Sociologists have documented this stuff." 
Gabrielle: "Well, who am I to argue with sociologists? (pauses) Wow this, uh, this guacamole has got a kick. I'm going to run to the little girls' room. You guys go ahead, I might be a while." 
Lynette: "I hate playing three handed poker. Let's take a break." 
Mama Solis: "I'll play!" 
Bree: "You play poker?" 
Mama Solis: "I used to play a little with my grandfather." 
Susan: "Pull up a chair." 
Mama Solis: "Oh, I notice you were just playing for chips, huh. My grandfather used to say, it's always more fun to play for money." 
Lynette: "Why not? Fifty cents a bet?" 

Mama Solis: "Make it a buck." She pulls a wad of cash out of her brassiere. "Three raise limit. Twenty dollar buy in."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bathroom]
(Gabrielle closes the door to the bathroom and checks her appearance in the mirror. Then she opens the window and peers down. Climbing over the windowsill, she falls outside, landing with a shriek. She looks over the fence to where John is mowing the lawn. She climbs over the fence by stepping on stacked wood, knocking them over. Once over the top of the fence, she falls. John rushes over.) 
John: "Mrs. Solis! What are you doing?" 
Gabrielle: "Why haven't you returned any of my phone calls?" 
John: "I've been busy." 
Gabrielle: "Yeah, I've seen who you've been busy with." 
John: "Danielle? Come on, I mean, she's just a friend." 
Gabrielle: "Well, before you get any friendlier, let me remind you, I can do things to you she can't even pronounce." 
John: "Well, a lot of good it does me with your mother-in-law following you around all the time. Look, maybe we should just cool it for awhile." 
Gabrielle: "Oh, no, John, please don't say that. I have everything under control."
(They kiss.) 
Gabrielle: "Now give me a boost."
(He helps her climb back over the fence.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Lynette's House]
(Gabrielle walks back into the dining room.) 
Gabrielle: "Hey! So what did I miss?" 
Mama Solis: "Not much, just a few friendly hands of poker with the girls."
(There is a huge stack of money in front of Mama Solis as she pulls it all towards her. The other women look stunned.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Play Rehearsal]
Maisy: I'm sorry I'm late.As I'm sure you have all heard, Celia Bond broke her wrist playing tennis, which means we are now in desperate need of someone to do the costumes. I'm keeping my fingers crossed here. Are there any volunteers?" 
Lynette (standing up): "I'll do it." 
Maisy: "Really, that's a ... do you know how to sew?" 
Lynette (sits down): "Absolutely." 
Maisy: "Well, great, uh, thank you, Lynette!" (clapping) 
Lynette (stands up again): "Okay. So, now that I'm going to do some, heavy lifting, I believe I have a right to talk about the changes made to the script?"
(She pauses. Nobody says anything, so she rushes forward to stand next to Maisy and address the group.) 
Lynette: "Um, ladies. We all grew up with Little Red Riding Hood, and we survived it, scary stuff and all, so I say, to hell with political correctness, let our kids experience this classic like it was meant to be enjoyed. Let's kill the damn wolf, and just put on the best show we can." (clapping) 
Maisy: "Thank you, Lynette, for that impassioned speech, but I believe that ship has sailed." 
Jordana: "No, it hasn't. We still have time to change the ending back." 
Ms. Truesdale: "And you know, Maisy, it is just a fairy tale - I don't think it will upset the children." 
Maisy: "Well, I think you are wrong." 
Lynette: "Well, that's what's so great about being in a democracy. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Also, everyone has a right to vote. So all in favor of the woodsman going medieval on the big bad wolf's ass..." 
(She raises her hand. And slowly, the others follow, except for Maisy, who glares at Lynette.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Outside of Paul's House]
(Sitting in her borrowed car, hidden mostly from view, Susan puts on a pair of sunglasses and watches Paul get into his SUV and drive away. Then she follows him - after a lurching start.) 
Susan: "Oh!"
(He pulls into a parking lot and gets out. Susan slows down and looks at the sign stating "Silvercrest Juvenile Rehabilitation Center.") 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Restaurant]
(Bree is sitting alone at her table when she notices Dr. Goldfine sit down at another table, also alone, with a book.) 
(Bree takes a sip of wine, then gets up and goes to his table.) 
Bree: "Dr. Goldfine." 
Dr. Goldfine: "Bree." 
Bree: "You're dining alone?" 
Dr. Goldfine: "Actually, I am." 
Bree: "Well, what a coincidence. So am I. It seems a shame for us to eat by ourselves. Shall I, pull up a chair?" 
Dr. Goldfine: "Bree, it's nothing personal, but I never socialize with clients." 
Bree: "Oh," (she pauses. )"Oh, I get it. I'm so sorry, of course, it's, it's inappropriate. It's just that after what happened yesterday, there's so much I need to say because..." (she pauses.) "I suppose it can wait."
(She walks back over to her table and sits down, taking a sip from her glass of wine. Then they take turns looking at each other. And finally he waves her to come back over and sit across from him. Bree breathes a sigh of relief and gets up to join him.)  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Gabrielle's House]
(Gabrielle is on the phone.) 
Gabrielle: "No, Lynette, I'm sorry, Juanita's taking a bath. Well, how much did she win from you? Jeez," (She laughs.) "Yeah, I guess she'll take a check. Okay. All right. Bye." 
Carlos: "What was that about?" 
Gabrielle: "It turns out your mother is quite the card shark." 
Carlos: "You let her play cards? How long did she play?" 
Gabrielle: "Not that long, why?"(Carlos walks away from her.) "Carlos, what is it?" 
Carlos: "I never told you this, but my mother had a serious gambling problem." 
Gabrielle: "Was this before we were married?" 
Carlos: "Yeah. It was bad. She went into debt. She dipped into her savings, started hocking jewelry..." 
Gabrielle: "Honey, it was only a small neighborhood game." 
Carlos: "But it doesn't take much for her to fall off the wagon. I know she seems like a very strong woman, but..." 
Gabrielle: "She has a major weakness. Honey, oh,"( she embraces him.) "It's okay. You were right to tell me this."
(She smiles.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Restaurant]
Dr. Goldfine. "And you understand I have to treat this as a session." 
Bree: "Of course, that's fine. Shall I include the meal?" 
Dr. Goldfine: "Oh no. We'll split that."
(Bree writes a check for $180.00 payable to Dr. Albert Goldfine and hands it over.) 
Dr. Goldfine: "So, let's talk about yesterday. You think there might have been some truth in what Rex said?" 
Bree: "No, I don't." 
Dr. Goldfine: "Bree, you know, it's not uncommon for people experiencing sexual repression to distance themselves from the act." 
Bree: "Is that how you see me? As some sort of prude who just lays there like a cold fish? I love sex." 
Dr. Goldfine: "All right." 
Bree: "I love everything about it. The sensations, the smells. I especially love the feel of a man. All that muscle and sinew pressed against my body. And then, when you add friction. Mmm ... The tactile sensation of running my tongue over a man's nipple ever so gently. And then there's the act itself - two bodies becoming one in that final eruption of pleasure. To be honest, the only thing I don't like about sex is the scrotum. I mean, obviously it has its practical applications, but I'm just not a fan."  
Waiter: "Can I get you something?" 
Dr. Goldfine: "Uh, just the check, please." 
Waiter: "Sir, you haven't ordered yet." 
Dr. Goldfine: "Oh."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Gabrielle's Car]
(Gabrielle and Mama Solis drive up to "The Torch Lake Casino.") 
Mama Solis: "We're not shopping?" 
Gabrielle: "Oh, I thought we would stop here for lunch first. This place has the best buffet in town. All you can eat crab legs. Oh no!" 
Mama Solis: "What's wrong? Let's go!" (Mama is already out of the car.) 
Gabrielle: "I didn't realize how late it was. They're only holding the suede mini for me until two. If we stay, I'll never make it. We'll just have lunch at the mall." 
Mama Solis: "Wait, uh, I'l really in the mood for crab legs. Why don't you just drop me off, and you can come back." 
Gabrielle: "Well, if the mall is crowded, it might take over an hour." 
Mama Solis: "It's a buffet. There's no rush!"
(Mama Solis rushes inside. Gabrielle picks up her cell phone and calls somebody as she drives away.) 
Gabrielle: "Hi John. Motel. Ten minutes. Be there."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Play Rehearsal]
Lynette (to a child in a costume): "All right. Off you go. Thanks." 
Maisy: "Ooh, Lynette. I couldn't help but notice, you forgot the coonskin on that hunter's coonskin cap." 
Lynette: "Oh, yeah, huh, it was a creative call. Look, I'm in the middle of a costume crisis, and if I don't take a few shortcuts, I'll never finish." 
Maisy: "Well, Jordana Guist manages to get her work done. She runs the concessions, paints the sets, and still has time to take care of her three kids and a husband. Now, we can't have the students suffer just because you don't understand the concept of time management." 
Lynettte: "I hardly think the kids are going to suffer without a clump of fur on their heads." 
Maisy: "Okay, I'll make a creative call. We'll cut the oak trees. That forest is looking a little dense, anyway." 
Lynette: "My boys are the oak trees." 
Maisy: "Are they? Well, I wouldn't worry. We'll find something for them to do back stage. That's where the real action is." 
Lynette: "I'll finish the costumes." 
Maisy: "Well, crisis averted."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Susan's House]
Julie: "You have lost your mind." 
Susan: "I checked upon this Silvercrest place. It's a treatment center for troubled kids. Who's gonna notice one more? I create the distraction. You blend in and find Zach." 
Julie: "How am I supposed to blend in with a bunch of messed up teenagers?" 
Susan: "I don't know, Julie. You pretend to be bulimic. Gag a little. Come on, work with me here!" 
Julie: "Mom, when this is over, we need to talk about your parenting skills." 
Susan: "Okay, fine, if you don't want to help me, I'm not going to force you." 
Julie: "It's not that I don't want to, it's just, why does this mean so much to you?" 
Susan: "Because Mary Alice was a wonderful person, and now all anybody thinks about her is that she went off the deep end and did this terrible selfish thing, and I think there is more to it than that. She was my friend, Julie, and I owe it to her to find out the truth."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Outside of the Casino]
(Mama Solis is sitting on a park bench, as stoic as the large wooden Indian statue next to her as Gabrielle pulls up in her car.) 
Gabrielle: "Juanita, what's wrong?"
(Mama Solis doesn't say anything. Gabrielle puts the car in park and goes over to sit by her mother-in-law.) 
Gabrielle: "Juanita!" 
Mama Solis: "I didn't go to the buffet. I went gambling instead, and I lost." 
Gabrielle: "Well, how much did you have on you? It couldn't have been much." 
Mama Solis: "I used Carlos' credit card." 
Gabrielle: "Okay, well, how much did you charge?" 
Mama Solis: "I don't know, it stopped working." 
Gabrielle: "What do you mean, it stopped working. That thing has, like, a $15,000 credit limit."
(They both look at each other with shocked expressions.)
Gabrielle: "Oh."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Hotel Room]
(Rex takes a bite of food, standing up, when there's a knock on the door. Rex, with food in hand, walks over to open it. Outside the door is Bree, covered in a full-length fur coat.) 
Bree: "The man at the desk said there were no vacant rooms. Mind if I bunk with you?" 
Rex: "Bree, what are you doing here?" 
Bree: "It's a little chilly out here, do you mind if we discuss this inside?" 
Rex: "C'mon in."
(Rex moves aside and Bree walks in.) 
Bree: "It sure is nice and toasty in here."
(She unwraps the fur, revealing that she is only wearing a lacy red bra and panties.) 
Rex: "You look amazing." 
Bree: "Thanks. I was hoping you'd notice." (She walks around.) "Well, it certainly isn't the Ritz, but it has all the essentials."
(She gets on the bed and Rex tosses the burrito on the nightstand and joins her on the bed.) 
Rex: "I don't know what to say." 
Bree: "Then perhaps you shouldn't say anything."
(They begin kissing passionately, with Rex on top. He yanks his shirt off, down to his white undershirt and kisses her down his body.) 
(Bree looks over and sees the burrito about to spill from the dresser to the floor.) 
Bree: "Oh, Rex, oh baby, stop, I just need a minute." 
Rex: "Oh, sweetie. Just leave it. Just leave it!"
(Bree tries to take his advice, but her eyes keep going back to the burrito, about to fall. Suddenly, she reaches over and saves the burrito from the spill. She turns to him, and runs her hand over him.) 
Bree: "Okay, baby, where were we?" 
Rex (gets up angrily): "I told you to leave it." 
Bree: "Sorry. I just - ah, come on, are you going to make a big deal about this?" 
Rex: "You know, to tell you the truth..."
(He walks over and opens up the door.) 
Rex: "...now is not really a good time for me." 
Bree (angrily): "Well, it's obvious you've never had to remove a cheese stain. Hmph!"
(She leaves.) 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Play Rehearsal]
(Lynette and Jordana are the only ones left in the gym. Lynette is on the phone as she sews costumes.) 
Lynette: "Bree, I totally understand. Yeah, I already tried Susan. And Gabby can't sew to save her life but seriously, I'm going to be fine. But thanks anyway. Bye!" 
Jordana: "Well, I'm a little ahead with my painting. Do you need some help?" 
Lynette: "Oh Jordana, you are really a lifesaver, thank you. Here, these pieces need trim." 
Jordana: "I'll help for as long as I can, but I have a lot on my plate tonight. I have to make twenty-five mini quiches for my book club." 
Lynette: "You're not human, are you? You were sent by aliens to make the human race feel inadequate."
(They laugh.) 
Lynette: "Seriously, how, how do you cram it all in?" 
Jordana: "Can you keep a secret?" 
Lynette: "Um, sure."
(Jordana gets a bottle of pills from her purse.) 
Lynette: "That's ADD medication. My kids take this, or they almost did. I thought it was supposed to calm you down." 
Jordana: "Um, it has the opposite effect if you don't have attention deficit disorder. Ever chug a pot of turkish coffee?" 
Lynette: "Seriously, you're taking your kids medication?" 
Jordana: "Once in a while. Do you want a couple?" 
Lynette: "Oh, that's very kind of you, but I just smoked some crack a little while ago, so I better not mix."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Gabrielle's House]
Gabrielle: "This is what we'll do. I'll sell some old jewelry, pay off the credit card, and Carlos will never find out!" 
Mama Solis: "You would do that for me?" 
Gabrielle: "Of course I would, why wouldn't I?" 
Mama Solis: "Well, for starters, you hate me." 
Gabrielle: "Oh, that is overstating it ... a little. The bottom line is, no matter how much I dislike you, I love Carlos more. If Carlos finds out about the money, he'll be devastated. I don't want to see him hurt. You don't have to believe I'm a good person, but at least believe I care about my husband."
(Mama Solis just stares at her.) 
Gabrielle: "Fine, to heck with it. I'm not gonna risk my neck to protect you. I'm calling Carlos."
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Juanita might have been the gambler of the family."
Mama Solis: "Wait, I believe you."
Mary Alice Voiceover:"But Gabrielle was the one who knew how to bluff."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Silvercrest Juvenile Rehabilitation Center]
(Susan and Julie start to walk into the Center. A nurse, sitting at a desk with her back to them, is working. Susan motions for Julie to stay back, and then walks up to the nurse.) 
Susan: "Hi, I'm Susan Mayer. I have an appointment to see Dr. Sicher." 
Nurse: "Yes, yes, he's expecting you, let me get him for you."
(Once the nurse walks away, Susan motions to Julie and Julie walks quickly in. Susan mimes that Julie should stick a finger down her throat and Julie grins as she rushes off. The doctor walks in.) 
Dr. Sicher: "Hi, I'm Dr. Sicher. So you're here doing research for a children's book." 
Susan: "I sure am."
(Julie finds Zach lying on a bed in his room and she opens the door.) 
Julie: "Zach?" 
Zach: "Oh hi, Julie." 
Julie: "What's wrong with you?" 
Zach: "It's just all these pills they make me take. They kind of make me sleepy. What are you doing here?" 
Julie: "I came to see how you were, and to ask you something. Look, I don't have much time." 
Zach: "What is it?" 
Julie: "Last week you told Mrs. Van de Kamp that your mom killed herself because of something you did, something bad. What were you talking about?" 
Zach: "After my mom died, I started remembering things that happened when I was little. What happened to Dana." 
Julie: "Dana, who's Dana?"
(A nurse walks into the room.) 
Nurse: "What are you doing here?" 
Julie: "I was just - visiting my friend." 
Nurse: "This patient is not allowed visitors." 
Julie: "I guess I have to go. I am so sorry, Zach."
(She puts her hand on his for a moment, then gets up to leave.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bree's House]
(Bree is sitting at the kitchen table, quietly repairing a mug, when Rex walks in.) 
Rex: "Hi. I don't want to disturb you, I just left some important papers here. What are you doing?" 
Bree: "I'm repairing a chipped mug." 
Rex: "Why don't you just buy a new one?" 
Bree: "Because I think it is better to fix what you already have." 
Rex: "Listen, um, about what happened today..." 
Bree: "You humiliated me, Rex. For no good reason." 
Rex: "I'm sorry." 
Bree: "I was there. I was willing. Normal men don't say no to that." 
Rex: "You, you upset me." 
Bree: "See, but I don't think that's the reason. After I left the motel, I um, did some thinking about us and our sex life, and I realized there has been a disconnect, but it's coming from you. 
Rex: "That's ridiculous." 
Bree: "How many years have we been making love, and you've started to ask me something, but then you stop?" 
Rex: "I, I don't know what you're talking about." 
Bree: "You are unhappy with our sex life because you're not getting something from me, but you're simply too afraid to ask." 
Rex: "My problem with our sex life is that you can't stop thinking about the house work." 
Bree: "Well, then, if that is the case, then take me, right here, right now. The house is spotless. There aren't any burritos lying around to pull my focus..." 
Rex: "I'm not in the mood." 
Bree: "Why not? We haven't had sex for months, Rex. Most normal, red-blooded men would be climbing the walls by now." 
Rex: "Please, don't do this." 
Bree: "Rex, whatever you want, I'll go there with you. I will go there with you, you just have to say it out loud. Tell me, what do you want? What do you need?" 
Rex: "I need for you to stop talking like this." 
Bree: "Why?" 
Rex: "Because you sound like a whore." 
Bree: "No, I don't. I sound like a woman whose husband won't touch her. Rex, after Mary Alice killed herself, it all hit me. We all have our secrets, and I think it's time for you to tell me yours."
(Rex stares at her for a long moment before shaking his head.) 
Rex: "I'm going."
(He leaves.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Nighttime-Lynette's House]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"That night, while most of Wisteria Lane dreamt the night away, Lynette was in the middle of her own personal nightmare. Determined her boys would not miss their fairy tale debut, Lynette stayed up 18 hours staright, sewing. But she began to fear her story would not have a happy ending."
(She begins to cry.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Luckily for Lynette, she had a magic potion handy."
(Lynette goes up to the bathroom and opens the cabinet above the sink. She takes down her children's ADD medication, and takes two pills.)
Mary Alice Voiceover:"And once she had taken it...the magic kept working...."
(Lynette uses the sewing machine to sew.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...and working..."
(Lynette uses the glue gun to put the costumes together.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...and working."
(The next morning, Lynette has completely cleaned the house until it looks spotless and is currently using a Q-tip to clean parts of the kitchen cabinets.)
Mary Alice Voiceover:"It wasn't until noon that lynette finally took a break. And the reality of what she had done began to sink in."
(Lynette walks briskly to the bathroom where she stares at herself in the mirror. She brushes some hair away from her face and says softly,) "My, what big eyes you have." 
(She brushes at some stains on her shirt, shrugs, then turns away.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Gabrielle's House]
(Carlos gives Mama Solis, who's sitting on the couch, a drink. Gabrielle calls out to her.) 
Gabrielle: "Mama Juanita, I'm going to the store. Do you need anything?" 
Mama Solis: "I'm fine, thank you." 
Carlos: "So what's been going on with her? Have you found anything out yet?" 
Mama Solis: "Actually, Carlos, the more I watch her, the more I think she's probably not stepping out on you." 
Carlos: "Really?" 
Mama Solis: "Yeah. She's not perfect, Lord knows, but she loves you. I can tell."
(Carlos kisses her cheek.) 
Carlos: "Mama. You don't know what a relief it is to hear that. You know, it's funny. I really think she loves you, too." 
Mama Solis: "Oh?" 
Carlos: "I got concerned when I heard you played poker with her friends. So I told her about your little problem." 
Mama Solis: "You told her about my gambling problem?" 
Carlos: "Don't be mad, mama. I just didn't want you slipping into old habits. And Gabrielle was very concerned about you." 
Mama Solis: "She knew."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Susan's House]
(Susan looks through one of Julie's yearbooks.) 
Susan: "I don't get it. I've gone through all your yearbooks and you and Zach never went to school with anybody named Dana." 
Julie: "He didn't say it was somebody we went to school with." 
Susan: "Did it sound like a relative?" 
Julie: "He said Dana. It sounded like Dana. Unless he was using a code, that's all I've got."
(Susan gets up from the table and joins Julie at the sink. As they talk, she looks out the window, watching as Paul, across the street, mows his lawn.) 
Susan: "Okay, gimme a break here. I'm just grasping at straws." 
Julie: "I'm sorry. It's...I'm worried about Zach. It's really creepy in there. Can't we get him out?" 
Susan: "Honey, it's up to his father." 
Julie: "Then I at least want to visit again."
(Paul stops mowing and looks straight at them.) 
Susan: "I don't think that's a good idea either." 
Julie: "Why?" 
Susan: "I just have a feeling."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Gabrielle's House]
(Mama Solis is sitting on the porch, knitting. She watches Gabrielle drive up.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Juanita was now more convinced than ever that her treacherous daughter-in-law was having an affair. But the question remained, with whom?"
(Gabrielle gets out of her car, checks the mail, then continues up the walk, past John, who's working on the yard, without saying anything to him.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"And suddenly, Juanita remembered it wasn't the men Gabrielle talked to that she had to worry about."
(Gabrielle goes into the house and Mama Solis smiles.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Play Rehearsal]
Lynette: "Jordana, Maisy, here are the costumes, right on time." 
Maisy: "Thank you, Lynette. This is a bit awkward. There has been an oversight with the programs. Celia Bond is still credited with costumes. They forgot to tell the printer." 
Lynette: "Uh-huh. Ah, incidentally, who is 'they', as in 'they forgot to tell the printer'?" 
Maisy: "That would be me. I'm sorry, but I was just so overworked this week, what with all the script changes that you demanded." 
Lynette: "Well, these things happen. Oh, I'll be right back."
(She hands a plastic sword and a coonskin cap to Maisy.) 
(Maisy hands the coonskin cap to Jordana.) 
Maisy: "Would you do something with this, it looks like roadkill." 
Lynette: "Okay, lady, that's it!" 
Maisy: "I beg your pardon?" 
Lynette: "Maisy, we have kids the same age, which means there are years ahead of us, having to deal with each other. So instead of playing all these petty games, why don't we put an end to this right now." 
Maisy: "What are you saying?" 
Lynette: "Let's take it outside." 
Maisy: "Let's take what outside?" 
Lynette: "Your sorry ass. We're throwing down." 
Maisy: "You are crazy!" 
Lynette: "Just being practical. Isn't it better to settle this once and for all, rather than endure all this alpha mom crap until our kids graduate? Hmmm? Come on! I'll even let you take the first shot."
(There's a long pause.) 
Maisy: "I don't have time for this."
(She walks away. Lynette calls after her.) 
Lynette: "Yeah, I didn't think so. And just so you know, next spring when we do Bambi, his mother is going to take a slug to the heart, and you're going to like it!"
(Lynette takes a deep breath and looks over at Jordana, who smiles.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Nighttime]
(The camera pans to Susan's house). 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"The search for power begins when we're quite young. As children, we're taught that the power of good triumphs over the power of evil."
(Mary Alice's glass award that Susan bought from Paul sits next to a lamp. The yellow/green blanket with the name Dana embroidered in it is slung over the back of a chair.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"But as we get older, we realize that nothing is ever that simple. Traces of evil always remain..."

~ The End ~




Desperate Housewives 
1X07 - Anything You Can Do
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives.
Detective: Exactly what do you hire me to do?
Paul: Someone sent that note to my wife, and I need to know who.
Mary Alice Voiceover: Some secrets were discovered...
Zach: After my mom died, I started remembering what happened to Dana.
Julie: Who's Dana?
Nurse: What are you doing here?
Mary Alice Voiceover: Some secrets were uncovered...
Carlos: It could be any one of these guys she's having an affair with.
Mama Solis: Don't worry about it. I'm not letting her out of my sight.
Mary Alice Voiceover: And some secrets...
Maisy: Jordana Geist manages to get her work done.
Lynette: How do you cram it all in?
Mary Alice Voiceover:...were shared.
Jordana: That's A.D.D. medication.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(An middle-aged man is jogging in Wisteria Lane. As he runs, a younger, more fit man runs past him easily.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Competition. It means different things to different people. In Suburbia, it means keeping up with the Jones's. On Wisteria Lane, that means keeping up with Bree Van de Kamp. Everyone knew Bree had the nicest lawn in the neighborhood. And no one begrudged her this. No one, that is, except Martha Huber, whose own lawn paled in comparison. No matter how carefully she trimmed... ...or how lovingly she watered... ...or how generously she fertilized... ...the grass was always greener on the other side of the fence."
(Mrs. Huber throws down some fertilizer she had been holding, and notices the middle-aged man jog up to her place. He stops in front of Mrs. Huber.) 
Mrs. Huber: "Hello, Victor, how are you today? Out jogging again?" 
Victor: "I can't catch my breath." 
Mrs. Huber: "Would you like a slurp from my hose?"
(He nods, then collapses to his knees falling on the ground.) 
Mrs. Huber: "Victor? Victor? Don't worry, I'm going to get an ambulance!"
(She starts to go inside, then stops, looking over next door to Bree's house.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Then one day, Mrs. Huber finally got the chance to mow down the competition."
(Mrs. Huber transports Victor by red wheelbarrow to Bree'slawn, and dumps him in the flower bed.) 
Mrs. Huber: "Help! Somebody help!" 
Bree (gasps). "What happened?" 
Mrs. Huber: "He collapsed on your hydrangeas! Call 911!"
(Bree runs inside.) 
(Later, Victor is put on a stretcher and EMS workers whisk him away in an ambulance. Bree looks down at her destroyed lawn in dismay.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes. Mrs. Huber understood the first rule of competition. In order to win, you have to want it more..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Credits
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[Bree's House]
(There is a copy of Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert on a wooden table, next to a tray with crackers and garnish.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"When I was alive, my friends and I came together once a month for a meeting of the Wisteria Lane Book Club. We found the problems of literary characters so absorbing...the way they dealt with adversity..."
(Lynette pops some pills.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...conducted illicit affairs..."
(Gabrielle walks by John.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...endured domestic dramas..."
(Rex walks out of the house with Bree looking frustrated behind him.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...and planned romantic conquests."
(Susan circles a date in her calendar that reads "Date with Mike!") 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"But since my death, my friends had lost their interest in fiction. Their own problems had become absorbing enough."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bree's House]
Woman: "So, what did everybody think?" 
Lynette: "I thought the character of Madame Bovary was ... very inspirational." 
(She pushes her baby carriage around the room. Susan nods her agreement as she turns a page in her copy of the book.) 
Woman: "Inspirational? She poisons herself with arsenic." 
Lynette: "Really?" 
Woman: "You didn't read until the end?" 
Lynette: "I stopped after page 50." 
Woman: "Am I the only one who read the book?" 
Susan: "I saw the movie. It was really good." 
Woman: "Ladies! I'm sorry, but wh-wh-what is the point of having a book club if we don't read the book?" 
Bree: "More wine? So, uh, Reba, Emma and Lori... Why don't you girls come to the kitchen and help me with the snacks?" 
Woman: "Sure." 
Bree: "I will be right in."
(The three women walk into the kitchen and Bree closes the double doors on the three ladies, trapping them in the kitchen.) 
Bree: "God, I couldn't wait to get rid of them! So, Lynette said that you found Zack." 
Susan: "He's at a rehabilitation center. Julie snuck in and actually talked to him." 
Lynette: "Did he say anything about his mother's suicide?" 

Susan: There wasn't enough time. He did say one thing that was kind of mysterious. He said something happened to someone named Dana, and that he could never ever talk about it." 
Gabrielle: "Who the hell's Dana?" 
Lynette: "That's the mystery part." 
Susan: "I figure Dana has something to do with what Mary Alice was trying to hide." 
Lynette: "So somebody found out Mary Alice's secret..." 
Bree: "...and sent the note." 
Gabrielle: "So who the hell is that?"
(Susan shrugs.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(The detective lays a copy of the purple stationary next to Mary Alice's note in front of Paul.) 
Detective: "The stationary is particle #17, 100% cotton. It is made by Cyprus Office Products. In stores in twelve cities, including yours. We traced that postmark back to your local post office." 
Paul: "Meaning?" 
Detective: "Meaning that the blackmailer is probably someone you know. A neighbor, milkman, pool boy, soccer mom..." 
Paul: "Soccer mom?" 
Detective: "Mr. Young, sometimes evil drives a mini van. I had this gig once, tracking down this PTA mom, was hell-bent on landing her daughter a spot on the parade float. Fed anti-freeze to half the homecoming committee." 
Paul: "Did you catch her?" 
Detective: "Mr. Young, the people who hired me didn't hire me to catch her."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Lynette's House]
(Lynette puts away a book as Tom comes down the stairs. Lynette scurries around the kitchen, cleaning.) 
Tom: "Wow, honey, look, this place looks spotless!"
Lynette: 'Thanks." 
Tom: Listen, I have come up with this killer idea for the Spotless Scrub campaign." 
Lynette: "Great! You wanna run it by me?" 
Tom: "No. I'm good. But, thanks." 
Lynette: "Okay." (She smiles and turns away.) 
Tom: "Well, that's the thing. You know how whenever I pitch in the boardroom at work, how Kennesey always tears my ideas down in front of the partners?" 
Lynette: "Yeah?" 
Tom: "I invited the partners and their wives over so I could pitch to them here. And I thought we could make a formal dinner for six. We could sit, we could..." 
Lynette: "And when exactly would this formal dinner take place?" 
Tom: "Uh ... day after tomorrow!" 
Lynette: "Tom'' 
Tom: "Yeah, I know, I know, I know, I know I know it's short notice." 
Lynette: "You think? How am I supposed to pull off a formal dinner with no warning?" 
Tom: "I don't know. Bree Van de Kamp does this kind of thing all the time..."
(Lynette stops what she's doing to stare at him.) 
Lynette: "What did you say?" 
Tom: "Well, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. That's - you know what, forget it. I'll call and I'll cancel. Don't worry about it." 
Lynette: "No, no. Let's, let's do it. 
Tom: "Really?" 
Lynette: "Yeah, it's good for your career. I'll pull it off."
(Tom comes over and kisses her.) 
Tom: "Yes. Honey, thank you. So much. You know, what, I promise. I land you this account, and I'm gonna buy you something awful pretty."
(He goes back upstairs.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Luckily for Tom, Lynette had a recipe for success..."
(She opens the drawer with the pills, but upon taking it out, realizes that it's empty.)
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...unfortunately for her, she was missing the secret ingredient." 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Outside Gabrielle's House]
(Mama Solis is sitting on the front porch, reading. John turns off the lawn mower and goes to his truck to get something. His phone rings, so he answers it.) 
John: "Yeah?"
(It's Gabrielle. She comes out on her balcony as she talks, looking down at him.) 
Gabrielle: "It's me. Don't turn around, my mother-in-law can see you." 
John: "I hate that she's always watching us." 
Gabrielle: "So meet me at the motel in an hour? John?" 
John: "Uh, I've got plans." 
Gabrielle: "So cancel." 
John: "They're with Danielle. We're going to the movies." 
Gabrielle: "That sounds like a date." 
John: "Yeah." 
Gabrielle: "Well, I have a problem with you seeing other girls."
(John turns around to stare up at her as he talks.) 
John: "Well, I have a problem with you having a husband. I guess we'll both have to learn to deal."
(He hangs up on her and stalks off, with Mama Solis watching him thoughtfully. Gabrielle, furious, storms into her bedroom, where she tosses the phone on her bed before going into the bathroom.) 
John's phone rings and he looks at the caller ID, which reads "Mrs. Solis." 
(He answers the phone.) 
John: "Don't even try to make it up to me by talking dirty".
(The phone goes dead.) 
John: "Hello?"
(Upstairs, in Gabrielle's bedroom, Mama Solis closes Gabrielle's cell phone, a look of smiling comprehension on her face. She puts the phone carefully back down on the bed.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Principal's Office]
(In the principal's office of Andrew's school, Rex and Bree are seated. Bree is reading from Madame Bovary while Rex sits quietly. The principal walks in.) 
Principal Stark: "Mr. and Mrs. Van de Kamp. So, your son decided to entertain some of his friends yesterday by shoving a freshman's head into a locker." 
Bree: "This was the Johnson boy?" 
Principal Stark: "Yes. He broke the boy's nose. Because of our no tolerance policy, your son may face expulsion." 
Rex: "You're going to ruin his whole future over a little rough housing? " 
Bree: "Rex, this was practically assault." 
Rex: "Mrs. Stark, what Andrew did was clearly wrong, but in his defense, his mother and I are going through severe marital problems." 
Bree: "Is that relevant?" 
Rex: "Our marriage is disintegrating. Of course Andrew is acting out. He has every right to be angry." 
Bree: "If Andrew is angry about you moving out of the house, then perhaps he should shove your head into a locker!" 
Rex: "All I'm saying, is that we need to take some of the responsibility here." 
Bree: "And so does Andrew! Blaming his actions on our problems..." (Bree turns to Principal Stark,)"...which are not so serious..."( she turns back to Rex,) "...does not help him." 
Rex: "Our problems are serious!" 
Bree: "Mrs. Stark, you handle this however you see fit." 
Rex: "Bree, I've gone to an attorney. You're gonna to be served with divorce papers later today." 
Bree: "You went to an attorney?" 
Rex: "Yeah! And a good one too!" 
Bree: "Well, he better be good, because when I'm finished with you, you won't have a cent to your name!" 
Rex: "Bring it on!" 
Principal Stark: "Perhaps detention is the way to go."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Susan's Bedroom]
(Susan gets dressed for her date with Mike.) 
Julie: "Mom, you're getting too dressed up." 
Susan: "I know, but I wanna look really sexy." 
Julie: "I told Mike I expect him to have you home by eleven." 
Susan: "Hmm. How about midnight?" 
Julie: "All right, but no later. You know how I worry. So, you, uh, got protection?" 
Susan: "Oh my god. We are so not having this conversation." 
Julie: "We are because I enjoy being an only child." 
Susan: "Are you finished?" 
Julie: "Almost. You know, I always assumed I would have sex for the first time before you would have it again." 
Susan: "Okay, you can leave now."
(She pushes Julie out of her bedroom, smiling, as she closes the door behind her.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Mike's House]
(Mike finishes getting dressed in a suit, and looks at himself in a mirror. He turns to Bongo, who's lying on the floor watching him.) 

Mike: "What do you think? Trying too hard? Well, what do you know, it's 80 degrees outside and you're wearing fur."
(He hears a knock on his front door, so he grabs his keys and opens the door. Standing there is a beautiful woman.) 
Kendra: "Hey, Mike."
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(Susan crosses the street in her dress to Mike's house. She sees Edie outside of Paul Young's house, putting up a For Sale sign, and stops to talk.) 
Susan: "Hey, Edie!" 
Edie: "Wow! Get a load of you! You look so pretty. I hardly recognize you." 
Susan: "Oh this?" (Susan laughs.) "Well, I have a date. Right now. With Mike. We kissed. FYI."
(She walks up to Mike's house and knocks on the door. He opens it, looking uncomfortable. He steps out onto the porch with Susan, closing the door behind him.) 
Susan: "Ooo, love that jacket. Good choice." 
Mike: "Um, look, Susan, I'm really sorry, but I've got to cancel. I had an unexpected house guest."
(The door opens from the inside, revealing Kendra.) 
Kendra: "Coming through! Oh, sorry. Hi, I'm Kendra." 
Susan: "Susan." 
Kendra: "I'm gonna run to the car and get my stuff."
(Susan walks to the edge of the porch, looking at Kendra.) 
Mike: "I know how this looks, but there is nothing between us. Kendra is just an old friend." 
Susan: "Old friend?" 
Mike: "Yeah, you know..." 
Susan: "Yeah. Yeah. No, actually no, I don't know. So, by old friend, do you mean college pal, bowling buddy, saved you from drowning?" 
Mike: "It's hard to explain." 
Susan: "Could you give it a shot?"
(Kendra returns.) 
Kendra: "Mike, I'm going to go upstairs and take a shower."
(She goes inside.) 
Mike: "I promise, I'll make this up to you. And you look ... amazing." 
Kendra (calling from inside): "Mike, where are the towels?" (He turns and leaves.) 
Susan: "Thanks."
(Susan is walking back to her house, hiding her face with her purse as she passes by Edie.) 
Edie: "Hey, how was your big date?" 
Susan: "Mike had to reschedule." 
Edie: "Oh. Because of the hot girl? With the suitcase? Over there? Gosh, how devastating for you. FYI."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Paul's House]
(Paul and Edie walk into the kitchen.) 
Paul: "Look, I just want to move this place fast. I'll do whatever we have to do." 
Edie: "Well, that's good to know. You do realize that you're going to have to disclose the fact that your wife killed herself in the house. 
Paul: "I am?" 
Edie: "Oh, yeah. Legal crap. You know, people get really freaked out by suicides. You can't blame 'em. Hell, I get the willies just standing here." 
Paul: "Is there any way to get around it?" 
Edie: "Off the record? You could say that she shot herself in the living room, and then crawled out back to die. Well, I'm just saying! Oh, I've gotta go. I'll call you tomorrow."
(She leaves. Paul sees that she's left behind some of her stuff and calls out to her.) 
Paul: "Edie, wait."
(He notices that sticking out the leather folder is a piece of light purple stationary. He pulls it out to stare at it.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Paul had always known Edie Brit was capable of doing anything to close a deal."
(Paul opens up the container he was keeping Mary Alice's note in. He compares the two pieces of paper. 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"But now he realized she was capable of so much more."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Outside]
(Gabrielle is jogging when she runs into Danielle, who was being dropped off by some friends. She stops to talk.) 
Gabrielle: "Hey, Danielle." 
Danielle: "Hey, Mrs. Solis." 
Gabrielle: "Oh, Danielle, remember when you said you wanted to be a model?" 
Danielle: "You remember that? That was, like, last summer!" 
Gabrielle: "Well, as it turns out, Pershing Modeling Academy has an opening for their summer program. Would you like me to sponsor you?" 
Danielle: "Would I? Oh my god, that's like one of the best schools in the country! You would do that for me?" 
Gabrielle: "I sure would." 
Danielle: "I would so love to go to New York." 
Gabrielle: "Oh, and I would so love to help you get there."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Park]
(Jordana sits on a bench, watching her children play, when Lynette comes up to her.) 
Lynette: "Hey, Jordana!" 
Jordana: "Hey Lynette, how are you? You look a little tired. Is everything okay?" 
Lynette: "Actually, I'm getting ready for a dinner party tomorrow night. Six people." 
Jordana: "Sounds fun." 
Lynette: "Big fun. Say, you wouldn't have any of your kids ADD medication that you could spare just to get me over the hump?" 
Jordana (calling to her kids): "Tina! Don't push your sister. Gosh Lynette, I'm really running low. I need all my energy I can get. My sister, Elaine, and her kids are flying in town for a week." 
Lynette: "Yeah, that's exciting. I wish my sister would visit more often." 
Jordana: "Yeah, sisters are great." 
Lynette: "Yeah. Just three or four pills, I'm really hitting a wall here." 
Jordana: "Yeah, the come-down can be a real bitch. I wish I could help." 
Lynette: "I'm not going to forget about this, Jordana." 
Jordana: "What's that supposed to mean?" 
Lynette: "It means come Girl Scout Cookie time, don't bother bringing little Tina, because we won't be home!"
(She leaves.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bree's House]
(Bree, Rex, Andrew, and Danielle sit at the dining room table. Danielle brushes her hair, Rex has a glass of soda in his hands, and Bree has a nearly empty wine glass in front of her.) 
Andrew: "What's this about?" 
Rex: "You both know that your mother and I have been unhappy for quite a while. And after a lot of soul searching, we've decided it would be better if we got divorced." 
Bree: "But whatever problems your father and I have, it doesn't change the fact that we love you very, very much," 
Andrew: "I've got a question." 
Bree: "Go ahead sweetheart. Ask whatever you want." 
Andrew: "Can I live with dad? I mean, c'mon, mom, let's face it. We drive each other crazy."
(Bree sits still for a minute, then she and Rex look at each other.) 
Bree: "Is, is that what you would prefer, Danielle? To live with your father." 
Danielle: "I don't really care, as long as I have my own bathroom." 
Bree: "Um, all this, um, wine is, uh, giving me a headache."
(She gets up and leaves the room. Rex looks at her.) 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Mike's House]
(Mike's maps are spread out over his kitchen table. Kendra leans over the table, looking at them.) 
Kendra: "Six weeks in the suburban jungle, and this is all you got?" 
Mike: "There are over three hundred families in this subdivision. It will take time to check 'em all out." 
Kendra: "Dad said the last time he saw you, you were ready to quit." 
Mike: "Well, I changed my mind." 
Kendra: "This is a gigantic waste of your time and my father's money. 
Mike: "You afraid of the old man burning through your inheritance?" 
Kendra: "That's not funny. Mike, here's the thing." 
Mike: "What?" 
Kendra: "Dad can't chase ghosts alone. If you stop, he'll have to accept it's over. Let me have my father back." 
Mike: "If I quit he'll just hire somebody else." 
Kendra: "Not if you tell him there's nothing here to find." 
Mike: "Oh, I can't do that." 
Kendra: "What happens when your girlfriend finds out you're not just this sweet, neighborly plumber? You're lying to her, Mike."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


[Susan's Garage]
(Susan and Lynette are looking through Susan's garage. Susan takes a blanket from one of the boxes and tosses it to the side, pulling out something for Lynette.) 
Susan: "Oh, here it is." 
Lynette: "Great, this will keep the crab dip warm. It took forever to shell the little buggers, but it'll be worth it." 
Susan: "You shelled your own crabs? Okay, I don't want to butt in, but are you doing too much? Because you look exhausted." 
Lynette: "Oh, I'm fine. I just need some coffee." (Lynette kisses Susan.) "Thank you."
(She starts to walk away. Susan notices the blanket she put aside before.) 
Susan: "Oh my god, look at this embroidery." 
Lynette: "'Dana.' Where did this come from?" 
Susan: "Paul Young's garage sale." 
Lynette: "Dana. Wow. Dana was a baby."
(Lynette rubs her fingers over the blanket.) 
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[Outside of Bree's House]
(Rex brings Andrew outside, with his hand over Andrew's eyes.) 
Rex: "Surprise!" 
Andrew: "No way!" 
Rex: "Yep." 
Andrew: "No way!" 
Rex: "Yeah, it's all yours! Here are the keys."
(Bree comes outside.) 
Bree: "Rex, what's this about?" 
Rex: "I went and splurged a little. Oh, Danielle, here's your present." (He pulls a suitcase out of the back.) 
Danielle: "Luggage?" 
Rex: "Yeah. It's to take with you to the Pershing Modeling Academy. I'm footing the entire bill." 
Danielle: "You mean that I can really go to New York?" 
Bree: "Wait a minute. What's all this about a modeling academy?" 
Danielle: "It's my new career. Mrs. Solis is sponsoring me." 
Bree: "Oh, is she now! And when you were planning on telling me?" 
Rex: "She told me, and I think it's a great idea." 
Bree: "Don't you two see what he is doing? He's trying to get you on his side. He's trying to buy your love." 
Rex: "Oh for God's sake, don't be paranoid!" 
Bree: "A car? A modeling academy? You should have discussed these gifts with me first. I'm sorry kids, but we cannot accept them." 
Andrew: "Dad, you can't let her do this!" 
Rex: "Bree, we just told the kids we're getting divorced. Isn't it time to spoil them a little?" 
Bree: "I said no." 
Rex: "You know what, they're my kids too, and I can give them anything I want."
(He takes the keys from Bree's hands and puts them in Andrew's hand.) 
Rex: "There you go!" 
Andrew: "Yes!" 
Danielle: "Thank you Daddy!"
(The kids get in the car and drive away.) 
(Bree glares at Rex. He stands to face her, triumphant. She watches her kids drive away, passing by the Solis residence as Gabrielle pulls up in her car.) 
(Bree storms over to where Gabrielle is removing shopping bags from her car.) 
Bree: "Did you offer to help Danielle get into modeling school?" 
Gabrielle: "What? Uh, yes, no, um, is that how she heard it?" 
Bree: "Yes. Gabrielle, did you, or did you not offer to sponsor her?" 
Gabrielle: "I just wanted to help out." 
Bree: "It's in New York, for God's sakes, why on earth would you suggest that?" 
Gabrielle: "It's her dream, and don't you want her to be happy?" 
Bree: "No, and in the future I would appreciate you keeping your ridiculous ideas to yourself!" 
Gabrielle: "Bree..."
(Bree leaves, furious.) 
(John, who heard the conversation, looks at Gabrielle with hostility, and then turns away.) 
Gabrielle: "John...John..."
(Gabrielle runs after him.) 
John: "You're so jealous of Danielle, you try to ship her off to New York?" 
Gabrielle: "I'm not jealous. I just don't like to share." 
John: "Well, you know what, I quit. The yard. Us. Everything!" 
Gabrielle: "Oh, don't be that way." 
John: "Well, what's the point if we can never be together? You know, an hour here, an hour there." 
Gabrielle: "I don't want us to end on a bad note. Carlos has this black tie thing tonight. I could slip..." 
John: "Mrs. Solis..." 
Gabrielle: "John, please, what we had was so special. I think it deserves a proper goodbye."
(She runs her hand down John's tank top.) 
John: "We'd still be over though..." 
Gabrielle: "Of course!"
(Mama Solis, hiding around the corner, smiles, as she eats something.) 
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[Neighbor's House]
(Lynette and the neighbor watch their kids scream and play in the backyard.) 
Lynette: "I knew this play date was a good idea." 
Woman: "Oh, yeah. Thank you for suggesting it. Your boys are the only ones I know who could tire out Timmy." 
Lynette: "Yep. He's a feisty one."
(The woman laughs and agrees.) 
Lynette: "Hey, word on the street is that you've been medicating Timmy..." 
Woman: "Oh yeah, for his ADD. The pills have been a godsend." 
Lynette: "I bet...can I use your bathroom?"


(In the bathroom, she closes the door behind her, then quickly flushes the toilet, then turns on the water in the sink. She opens up the medicine cabinet and takes down the ADD pill container. She opens it and swallows one, then puts the container back.)  
Mary Alice Voiceover:"As Lynette swallowed the stolen medication of an eight-year-old child, she vowed she'd never again sink to such depths..."
(Lynette takes the bottle again and pours a handful into her hand.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"... any time soon."
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[Paul's House]
(Sitting in a car, Paul and Mr. Shaw look at Mary Alice's note, comparing it with the stationary from Edie.) 
Mr. Shaw: "Well, looks like you've got your blackmailer. Is it time to bring in the police?" 
Paul: "That's not really an option for me. Before my wife shot herself, we lived a life that I was proud of. We loved each other. We had values. We went to church. We gave to charity. We were good people, Mr. Shaw." 
Mr. Shaw: "I believe you." 
Paul: "That's why it's so incomprehensible to me that Edie Brit would try to destroy us." 
Mr. Shaw: "Well, you've suffered a great loss. For your pain to heal, that's going to take some time." 
Paul: "I can't wait, I need help now." 
Mr. Shaw: "For five grand she's hurt. For ten grand she's gone."
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[Outside of Bree's House]
(Andrew and Danielle drive up to Bree's house. Outside of the house are all of their possessions. Bree methodically adds more items to the piles on the lawn.) 
Danielle: "Mom, what's going on?" 
Bree: "Oh, I'm throwing you out. I've separated all your things into two sides. One side is yours, Danielle, and the other one is Andrews." 
Andrew: "Okay, you've lost it." 
Danielle: "Where are we supposed to live?" 
Bree: "Darned if I know. Uh, Danielle, everything in the north quadrant of your side is clothes and books and such, and the south side are miscellaneous items." 
Andrew: "Mom, this isn't going to work. Okay, I'm not giving up my car." 
Bree: "That's a smart idea, because you're probably going to have to sleep in it for a while." 
Danielle (while picking up her items): "Mom, you can't stop us from going back inside the house." 
Bree: "Oh, no? That's Mr. Conlan, the locksmith. He's been very helpful today. Of course, I could give you the new keys, which would mean you'd have to adhere to my rules, which would include giving back your father's gifts." 
Danielle: "Okay, fine, you win. I won't go to New York."
(Bree drops a key into Danielle's hand and then looks expectantly at Andrew. He shakes his head.) 
Andrew: "I'm outta here."
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[Outside Paul Young's House]
(Mike and Kendra start up towards the open house that Edie is having for Paul Young's house.) 
Kendra: "An open house in the suburbs? This is beyond quiche." 
Mike: "Behave yourself. It's one of the houses on the street I've had a hard time getting into." 
Kendra: "God, I wish you would let this go."
(They pass by Edie who overhears the first part of their conversation.) 
Mike: "I'm taking you out for drinks tonight. There's this cowboy bar called the Saddle Ranch, you need to see." 
Kendra: "Why?" 
Mike: "It's the last place anybody ever saw your sister."
(Susan walks up to the house and runs into Edie.) 
Edie: "Susan! What brings you here?" 
Susan: "I just wanted to say goodbye to Mary Alice's house, before somebody else moved in." 
Edie: "Aw, that sounds almost plausible." 
Susan: "I beg your pardon?" 
Edie: "Oh, come on. We both know why you're here, and the answer is yes, they are having sex. No question." 
Susan: "You don't know what you are talking about. They're just friends." 
Edie: "Hmm, think so? I overheard them saying they're going to the Saddle Ranch tonight. For drinks. And dancing." 
Susan: "So friends can do that." 
Edie: "Oh my god, I just want to slap and shake you."
(Edie walks away.) 
(Susan sees Kendra touch Mike's stomach playfully.) 
Susan: "Where did you say they were going tonight?"
(Susan runs after Edie. )
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Saddle Ranch]
Susan: "I don't know why I let you talk me into coming here. There is obviously nothing going on between them."
Edie: "Where are you going?" 
Susan: "I'm going to the bathroom and I'm going home. I don't want Mike to catch me here." 
Edie: "It's only been ten minutes. She could be waiting to make her move."
(In the background, a man rides a mechanical bull.) 
Edie: "Oh come on, you're not gonna beat a girl like that by knocking off early." 
Susan: "It's not a competition." 
Edie: "The hell it isn't."
Susan: "Good night, Edie." 
Edie: "Suit yourself. But for the record, I was rooting for you to land him." 
Susan: "And why would you root for me?" 
Edie: "Well, I figured it would be easier for me to steal Mike from you than her - she seems like fun!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Gabrielle's Bedroom]
(Gabrielle lies on the bed, in a bathrobe. Carlos and Mama Solis stand by the bed.) 
Carlos: "Just take some antacid." 
Gabrielle: "It's not those kind of cramps." 
Carlos: "This is a business dinner. It's important."
(Gabrielle groans.) 
Mama Solis: "Relax. You and I can go alone. Gabrielle can stay here and get better." 
Carlos: "Fine. I'll see you in a couple of hours." 
Gabrielle: "Okay. Take good care of Carlos." 
Mama Solis: "Oh, I always do."
(She closes the door behind her and Gabrielle gets off of the bed.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Saddle Ranch]
(Susan starts to leave when she notices Edie riding the mechanical bull in the center of the ring. She bends over to pick up the hat that Edie threw to her. When she stands up, Mike is standing there.) 
Susan: "Mike! What a small, small world." 
Mike: "Yeah, it sure is. I caught Edie hiding in the back." 
Susan: "No kidding, is she here?"
(Slowly, Mike turns his head to where Edie is playing to the crowd.) 
Mike: "Yeah. Yeah, she said, uh, the jig is up, and then she went to ride the bull. Oh, and she said you two came together." 
Susan: "Oh, well, yeah, we, we did, uh, I just thought she left." 
Mike: "Are you following me?" 
Susan: "What? No, no, I just came here, you know, with Edie. We, just, love to ride that bull." 
Mike: "You ride the bull." 
Susan: "Yeah, yeah, it's a real rush." 
Mike: "Come on, Susan, give me a break." 
Susan: "No, you give me a break! I did not follow you here, and even if I had followed you here, it's because you've been so secretive about Kendra." 
Mike: "Kendra and I are friends." 
Susan: "And I came here to ride the bull!"
(She plops Edie's hat on her head and a nearby cowboy hears her and dings the triangle he has in his hand. He lets out a whoop and calls out "We've got another one to ride the bull!") 
(Susan's eyes go wide. Mike backs away to watch.) 
Cowboy: "Okay, little doggie, you're up!" 
Susan: "Oh fun. I'm a doggie."
(She steps into the ring where the bull is and looks over at Mike, who smirks at her. She throws her purse to Mike, pulls up her shirt, and ties it. The crowd of mostly men catcalls at her."Woo, baby, woo!")
Susan: "Oh, yeah, I'm here to ride the bull. Check it out! Okay! Yeah! Woo! Baby! Woo!"
(She tosses the hat into the crowd. It hits a man, who falls onto the controls for the bull. The bull starts to buck, and Susan, not yet on it, falls over, landing hard on the rubber mat.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Rex's Hotel Room]
Rex: "Andrew, you promised you'd stay with your mother. That's why I gave you the car."
Andrew: "Dad, she wants me out! She put all my stuff on the front lawn." 
Rex: "This is ridiculous. I'm going to call her, and I'm going to smooth all this out. you're going home."
(Rex picks up the phone. Andrew grabs it and puts it down.) 
Andrew: "No, Dad, why? Now I can live with you without feeling guilty. It will be perfect. It will be like our own little bachelor pad."
(Rex walks away.) 
Andrew: "What?" 
Rex: "Son, that'snot gonna happen." 
Andrew: "Why not?" 
Rex: "Andrew, these past few months have been incredibly difficult for me. There are a lot of things that I've got to work out for myself, and I can't do that if you're living with me. I'm sorry." 
Andrew: "I don't care. All right. I'm not going back there. 
Rex: "I don't think you have a choice." 
Andrew: "But Dad..." 
Rex: "Uh-uh."
(Andrew storms out. Rex calls after him.) 
Rex: "Oh, come on now, don't!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Andrew's Car]
(Andrew makes a call on his cell phone.) 
Andrew: "Keith? Yeah, it's me. Do you still have that fake ID? Yeah, I've got to go home and kiss my mother's ass. I am not going to it sober!"
(He drives off.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Lynette's House]
(Tom and his guests are in the living room while Lynette works in the kitchen. As they laugh and joke, Lynette brings out a plate of desserts and sets it on the coffee table.) 
Woman: "Oh, the desserts are wonderful. Lynette, do you need any help?" 
Lynette: "I've got it covered, no problem."
(In the living room, Tom outlines his ideas to his boss.) 
Boss: "Okay, Scavo, you're up. Let's here this genius idea of yours." 
Tom: "Okay. Uh, okay. The single greatest obstacle facing Spotless Scrub is a lack of visibility. We need to concentrate ads in places where women spend a majority of their time."
(Lynette, smiling, listens from the kitchen as she prepares more dessert.) 
Tom: "For example, large chain grocery stores. Picture Spotless Scrub ads on the side of every mother's shopping cart." 
Boss: "Interesting." 
Lynette: "Oh, you know what would be even better? Dry cleaning bags." 
Tom: "What?" 
Lynette: "No, really, hear me out. Put a big Spotless Scrub ad between a woman and her cashmere sweater, and I guarantee you'll get her attention." 
Tom: "Honey, honey, that's great. I'm in the middle of a thing here." 
Lynette (still smiling): "Oh!" 
Boss's wife: "She's got a point. And those dry cleaning bags hang in our closets forever, and so it is like constant advertising." 
Lynette: "Exactly!" 
Tom: "You know, maybe there's a way that we can work that in - " 
Boss: "You know, this is kind of a fantastic idea. Can we go nationwide with this?" 

Lynette: "Why not? Start by targeting the top chain, then branch out from there. Boom, boom, boom. Mass saturation. Oh, and you know what else would be a great idea? Here's the thing ..."
Mary Alice Voiceover:"While Lynette was commanding everyone's attention..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Saddle Ranch]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...Susan was trying to remain inconspicuous."
Susan: "Everybody's looking at me, aren't they?" 
Mike: "Just the slapstick fans." 
Susan: "Oh God, why couldn't I have just have been knocked unconscious?" 
Kendra: "Beer?" 
Susan: "Absolutely. Oh. Ow! Ow, ow." 
Mike: "Susan, this is Kendra." 
Susan: "We've been introduced." 
Mike: "No, this is Kendra. We've been friends for years. She's here on a visit. She's leaving tomorrow. That's it." 
Kendra: "It's true. I have no designs on this man whatsoever." 
Mike: "I'll be right back."
(He leaves Kendra and Susan alone at their table.) 
Kendra: "Sorry about the misunderstanding," 
Susan: "Me, too." 
Kendra: "So, how long have you two been seeing each other?" 
Susan: "Well, you sort of interrupted our first date. But up until then, smoking hot tension. Sounds pathetic, I know." 
Kendra: "No, I think it's good to take it slow. you'd be smart to be careful." 
Susan: "Any particular reason?" 
Kendra: "Look, Mike's a wonderful guy, really. But you should ask him why he moved to Wisteria Lane. It's one hell of a story." 
Mike: "Here, I got some ice. Here ya go." 
Susan: "Thanks."
(Mr. Shaw walks into the Saddle Ranch and spots Edie, who's saying good night to a group of men. He comes up to her.) 
Mr. Shaw: "Hey, there." 
Edie: "Well, good evening! Have a seat."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Gabrielle's Bedroom]
(Gabrielle and John collapse on her bed, spent.) 
John: "I could get used to this whole closure thing," 
Gabrielle: "I love long good byes."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Outside Gabrielle's House]
Mama Solis: (gets out of a taxi cab, talking to the driver.) "Wait around the corner. I'll be right back."
(She rushes into the house and into Gabrielle's bedroom, where the light from the hallway falls onto Gabrielle and John, kissing on the bed. Mama Solis holds a camera up to her eye and looks through it, snapping a picture.) 
Mama Solis:"Smile, Gabrielle."
(Mama Solis leaves. John pushes Gabrielle off of him and grabs his clothing. Gabrielle gets off of the bed calmly and goes to her closet, where she begins carrying clothing to the bed, where she's placed a suitcase.) 
Gabrielle: "Well, that's it then." 
John: "What are you doing? She had a camera, we've got to catch her. Mrs. Solis, your husband's gonna kill us. Come on!"
(He rushes downstairs.) 
Mama Solis: "Leave me alone!" 
John: "Gimme that camera right now!" 
Mama Solis: "Shut up!" 
John: "I'm not kidding, old woman!" 
Mama Solis: "Stay away from me! Don't touch me!"
(She hits him and he falls on the floor.) 
(She rushes out of the house, running and looking behind her. A car careens around the corner. She stops in the middle of the road as it speeds towards her. Shocked, she can only stand there.) 
(As Gabrielle packs, she can hear tires screeching, and then a thud. She looks out the window and her jaw falls open. The car speeds away.) 
(Gabrielle runs out of the house. Mama Solis lies motionless in the middle of the street.) 
(John joins Gabrielle outside. He starts to head towards Mama Solis, but Gabrielle stops him.) 
Gabrielle: "No, no, you go home. I'll take care of this. And you were never here. Go. Go."
(Gabrielle runs towards Mama Solis. The taxi driver comes running.) 
Taxi Driver: "Did you see that? The guy came barreling around the corner and just hit her." 
Gabrielle: "Do you have a cell phone?" 
Taxi Driver: "Yeah." 
Gabrielle: "Call 911."
(He runs to his cab.) 
(Gabrielle stares at Mama Solis, looks around, and then takes the camera lying next to her, putting it in her robe pocket.) 
(The car that hit Mama Solis pulls into a driveway. Its right front headlight is smashed in. Inside the driver's seat is Andrew, who's breathing hard. He looks behind him.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Outside]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"As Juanita hovered dangerously close to the white light, Lynette and Tom were heading into a black void."
Lynette: "I was just participating." 
Tom: "No, your participation was supposed to be limited to making dinner, not making my ideas look bad." 
Lynette: "Well, maybe you need better ideas. I'm sorry-I'm sorry, I didn't mean that." 
Tom: "No, no no no no. We both know that your career was going so much better than mine before we had kids. You never let me forget that." 
Lynette: "That is not fair!" 
Tom: "You are always competing with me, and judging by tonight, you know what, you still are!" 


Lynette: "Tom, I am sorry about tonight. Truly, but these days, if I'm competing with anyone, it's the Bree Van de Kamps of the world with their spotless kitchens, and their perfect kids, who throw fabulous parties where nothing ever goes wrong. I try so hard to keep up, but I can't." 
Tom: "Lynette, that's not my expectation." 
Lynette: "And when you work on a pitch, or you bring the partners over, I am reminded of a world I left behind where I was the winner, and people tried to keep up with me! I can't go back. I can't win where I am. I'm stuck in the middle, and it is really starting to get to me." 
Tom: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. For your information, I thought you threw an amazing dinner party tonight. I was thrilled! I don't know how you pulled it all together."
(They look at each other.) 
Lynette: "Yeah, well." 
Tom: "And whether you believe it or not, everyone who knows you thinks that you are a great wife and mother." 
Lynette: "No, they don't." 
Tom: "Yes, they do - especially me." 
Lynette: "Thanks."
(He pauses.) 
Tom: "What's wrong with your eyes?" 
Lynette: "Nothing, I'm tired." 
Tom: "Turn around, I want to look at you." 
Lynette: "I'm fine, really...what's going on outside?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Outside]
(EMS technicians rush to Mama Solis's side while neighbors watch. Gabrielle sits on the steps to her house, watching.) 
(Lynette and Tom rush up to Bree.) 
Bree: "Oh my god, thank god you're here. Will you go take care of Gabrielle? I have to go home for a minute."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bree's House]
(Bree rushes into her house. Andrew is standing there, leaning against a counter, looking shaken.) 
Bree: "Oh, Andrew, thank god you're back. I need your help, honey. There's been an accident. Andrew?" 
Andrew (crying): "Mama." 
Bree: "Andrew..."
(Bree is on the phone.) 
Bree: "Rex, you need to come home. Something's happened, and we need you."
(Danielle and Andrew hold each other's hands.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Competition, it means different things to different people. But whether it's a friendly rivalry..."
(At the Saddle Ranch, Susan watches Mike and Kendra head towards the door.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...or a fight to the death,"
(Edie and Mr. Shaw drink together.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"the end result is the same. There will be winners -"
(Gabrielle watches Mama Solis taken away on a stretcher.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"and there will be losers."
(Lynette, drawn and tired-looking, looks at herself in the mirror. She looks at the pills in her hand.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Of course, the trick is to know which battles to fight. You see, no victory comes without a price."
(Quietly, Rex drives Andrew's car into a small garage. Bree stands at the entrance and looks around, and once he gets out of the car, the two of them close the garage door.) 
~ The End ~




Desperate Housewives 
1X08 �C Guilty
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on "desperate housewives"...
Paul:I just want to move this place fast.
Edie:I'll call you tomorrow.
Paul:Edie, wait.
Paul:It's so incomprehensible to me that Edie Britt would try to destroy us.
Mr. Shaw:For 5 grand, she's hurt.10 grand, she's gone.
Mary Alice Voiceover:Some neighbors hired help...
Lynette:How am I supposed to pull off a formal dinner with no warning?
Tom:I don't know.
Mary Alice Voiceover:And some helped themselves.
John:I hate that she's always watching us.
Mary Alice Voiceover:Some just couldn't stop.
Mama Solis:Smile, Gabrielle.
Mary Alice Voiceover:And one...didn't stop in time.
Bree:Oh, Andrew, I need your help, honey.
Andrew:Mama?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Focus in on a Bible being opened.) 
(Mary Alice begins speaking.) 
"There is a widely read book that tells us everyone is a sinner. Of course, not everyone who reads this book feels guilt over the bad things that they do."
(Pull out to see that Bree opened the Bible and is reading from it.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"But Bree Van de Kamp did. In fact, Bree had spent most of her life, feeling guilty."
(Flashbacks showing the images of what Mary Alice is speaking of.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"As a child, she felt guilty about not getting straight "A"s... ..As a teenager, she felt guilty about letting her boyfriend go to second base... ...As a newlywed, she felt guilty about taking three weeks to get out her thank-you cards... ..she knew the transgressions of her past were nothing compared with the sin she was about to commit."
(The Van de Kamp family is all in the living room. Danielle and Rex are seated while Andrew paces, and Bree looks through the Bible.) 
Danielle: "Couldn't we just go to the police and tell them it was an accident?" 
Rex: "This wasn't some simple DUI. Not only was your brother drinking, Andrew left the scene of the crime. That makes it a hit and run." 
Andrew: "Maybe I could go to Canada, you know, until the statute of limitations is up." 
Danielle: "Do you really think mom and dad are going to foot the bill while you go moose hunting for seven years?" 
Rex: "If Carlos' mother dies, there is no statute of limitations." 
Danielle: "Right. Because then it's murder." 
Andrew: "Shut up!" 
Danielle: "You shut up!" 
Andrew: "How could it be murder, it was an accident!" 
(pause) 
Bree: "We have to get rid of the car. But we can't sell it. The police might find it, and there could be DNA. We take the car to a bad part of town. We'll leave the keys in the ignition and the doors unlocked. If the police don't find it, we'll get the insurance money, and if they do, it wasn't in our possession. Anyone could have hit Mrs. Solis." 
Andrew: "That sounds good!" 
Rex: "Bree, are you sure?" 
Bree: "Our son could spent the rest of his life in jail. I won't allow that."
(Bree stands up and puts the Bible away.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Bree knew what she was about to do was wrong, but like most sinners, she would worry about her guilt tomorrow."
Bree: "Well, everybody should, uh, go wash up. We're having pancakes for breakfast." 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Credits
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Not since my own suicide had violence intruded upon the serenity of life on Wisteria Lane in such a conspicuous fashion. And needless to say, my friends attacked the problem head on."
(Lynette, Susan, and Bree are all in the middle of the street, trying to clean off the skid marks on the road.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Lynette brought the broom. Susan brought the trash bags. And Bree brought the industrial strength solvent."
Lynette: "Woo. That stuff is strong!" 
Bree: "It has to be, I don't want Gabrielle and Carlos coming home to this ugly reminder in front of their house." 
Lynette: "So, has anyone been over there?" 
Susan: "Julie and I went over this morning." 
Bree: "How is Juanita doing?" 
Susan: "She's been in a coma ever since she came out of ER. Nobody knows when or even if she'll wake up." 
Lynette: "This is awful. Carlos must be just devastated." 
Susan: "I hope she wakes soon. Maybe she can tell us who was driving that car." 
Bree: "We can only hope."
(A red car zips around the corner and speeds past the women.) 
(Lynette stands up, shouting after the car.) 
Lynette: "Slow down, you jerk, this is a residential neighborhood."
(She throws her sponge at the car and it bounces off of the car's hood.) 
Susan: "Wow, that's quite a pitching arm you've got there." 
Lynette: "It pisses me off. I've got four kids, you know. I was up all night reading statistics online. One out of every four traffic accidents happens on residential streets. I hope whoever hit Juanita gets put away for life." 
Bree: "Don't you think that's a little bit extreme?" 
Lynette: "An innocent woman gets hit by a car and the driver just takes off? I don't think it's extreme."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Hospital]
(Carlos and Gabrielle are in Mama Solis's hospital room. Carlos sits by the bed and Gabrielle checks her nails as she sits on the dresser.) 
Gabrielle: "You should go home and get some rest, eat something. You have a ton of messages from work--Tanaka called; said it was urgent. Carlos, I can stay here with your mother." 
Carlos: "I need to be here if she wakes up." 
Gabrielle: "You can't go on like this. You have to take care of yourself." 
Carlos: "And what if she dies? People slip into comas all the time and never come out." 
Gabrielle: "Don't say that! We need to stay positive."
(The door opens and John sticks his head in.) 
John: "Mr. and Mrs. Solis?" 
Gabrielle: "John!" 
John: "Is it okay if I come in?" 
Carlos: "Of course." 
John: "Mr. Solis, I'm so sorry this happened." 
Carlos: "It means a lot that you came."
(They embrace.) 
Carlos: "Look, I think I'm gonna to go down to the chapel and pray. You want to come?" 
Gabrielle: "Um, no, I think I will stay here with mama." 
John: "Is it all right if I come?" 
Carlos: "Of course, we need all the prayers we can get."
(John leaves the flowers he had brought for Mama Solis on the table by her bed, then leaves with Carlos. Gabrielle is annoyed.) 
(A nurse comes in with a bucket of water.) 
Nurse: "Mrs. Solis, it's time for her sponge bath." 
Gabrielle: "Come again?" 
Nurse: "Sometimes family members prefer to administer sponge baths themselves." 
Gabrielle: "I think I'll pass."
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[Mrs. Huber's House]
(Mrs. Huber is neatly packing luggage on the kitchen table when her front door opens and Edie comes in) 
Edie: "Martha. Where's your purse?" 
Martha: "Over there, why?"
(Edie walks over to the purse without saying a word and opens it.) 
Martha: "What are you doing?" 
Edie: "I am taking back the $40 that you stole out of my purse." 
Martha: "Edie!" 
Edie: "We both know you did it, now hand it over!" 
Martha: "I have taken nothing from your purse, and if you're missing money, I'd ask one of those strange men you parade through here at all hours."
(She grabs the purse from Edie and walks away.) 
Edie: "I am not going to apologize for having a healthy sex life!" 
Martha: "Healthy? I'm going to have to burn every sheet you've touched." 
Edie: "I want my money." 
Martha: "And I want those non-fat peach yogurts. They didn't just walk out of that fridge by themselves." 
Edie: "Well, you can deduct it from the $40 that you're going to give me, now!" 
Martha: "You're my best friend, why would I steal from you?" 
Edie: "It's no secret that you've been having financial problems. I hear you bitching on the phone to your bank." Martha: "That's it! I can put up with your debauchery and your food theft, but I will not tolerate spying. I want you out." 
Edie: "You don't mean that." 
Martha: "Oh, yes, I do. I'm leaving tomorrow to visit my sister for a few days. I want you gone by the time I get back." 
Edie: "I'll do one better. I will leave today."
(She takes her purse and leaves. Once she's gone, Mrs. Huber reaches into her blouse and removes some money, which she then puts into her purse.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Dr. Chang's Office]
(Lynette is lying on a table while Dr. Chang, an acupuncturist, places needles into her forehead.) 
Lynette: I hope this works. My sleep cycle is totally out of whack. I'm up all night, I'm dozing off during the day." 
Dr. Chang: "Trust me, this will do the trick. In fact, you should be feeling more relaxed already." 
Lynette: "You know, you're right."
(Faintly, from outside of the room, calls and shouts from Lynette's kids can be heard.) 
Lynette: "Boys, I can hear you out there. Now be quiet. Just sit there and color." 
Dr. Chang: "Now is not a good time to be moving." 
Lynette: "Oh, yeah. Sorry." 
Dr. Chang: "Just block everything out, and let it go. Imagine that you're in a forest. There�s a babbling brook nearby, and the wind is just coming through the trees..."
(Parker comes through the door, dragging a plastic tree.) 
Parker: "Mommy." 
Lynette: "Parker! I don't know --ow!--what you think that you're doing, but put that back where it belongs!" 
Lynette: "I'm sorry. You were saying something about wind?" 
Dr. Chang: "I was just creating a soothing image." 
Lynette: "Oh, for the love of God!"
(She gets off the table and opens up the door to where her boys are waiting.) 
Lynette: "Knock it off, you little monsters." 
Dr. Chang: "Mrs. Scavo, please lie down. we need to finish this." 
Lynette: "Look, I'm on my last nerves, so I'm going to level with you. I've screwed up my entire system by taking my system by taking my kids'ADD medication. Yeah, that's right, you heard me. I plan to stop, but right now I need to sleep, and I need more than a few, crappy, needles, so whattya got?" 
Dr. Chang: "I'm not licensed to write prescriptions." 
Lynette: "I know you're not."
(The acupuncturist goes to her cabinet and removes a small bag of herbs. She turns to Lynette.) 
Dr. Chang: "This will put you right to sleep. It's a very powerful herbal remedy. Now promise me you're going to use it judiciously?" 
Lynette: "Sure. Whatever."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Mike's House]
(Susan knocks on Mike's screen door.) 
Susan: "Knock, knock!" 
Mike: "Hey! Come on in!" 
Susan: "You're a mess." 
Mike: "Ah, yeah, I'm tearing out these leaky pipes in the upstairs bathroom. Wall to wall rotten wood." 
Susan: "Sounds like a job. So, Julie said that you came by before?" 
Mike: "Um.. Yeah. Uh... yeah, I was thinking about driving up to the Girmany vineyard tomorrow for this wine tasting, and, um.." 
Susan: "What time do you want me to be ready?" 
Mike: "How about six?" 
Susan: "Six is good." 
Mike: "All right. I thought maybe afterwards, we could have a little dinner, maybe some dancing." 
Susan: "Sounds great. Um, you do know that it's like a two-hour drive up there. And isn't that kind of late to be coming back?" 
Mike: "I thought if, you know, worse came to worse, we could grab a room..." 
Susan: "Oh? Like a hotel room?" 
Mike: "Yeah, as a last resort." 
Susan: "Of course, of course, yes. So, maybe we should make reservations, you know, just in case." 
Mike: "Yeah, I found some hotels online. Let me get a printout."
(She laughs and he goes upstairs. Bongo, who had been off in the corner, comes towards Susan.) 
Susan: "Hey, Bongo, come here. You want a treat? Hey, Mike, where do you keep the dog biscuits?" 
Mike: "I'm sorry, what?" 
Susan: "Oh, never mind! We'll just find them ourselves. We'll go find them ourselves."
(She opens up one of Mike's cabinets and, in plain view, are stacks of money and a gun. Susan takes out a couple of stacks of money and looks at them.) 
(Mike comes down the stairs.) 
Mike: "I'm sorry, Susan. I couldn't hear you. What did you say?" 
Susan: "Nothing. It's not important."
(She quickly puts the money back and closes the cabinet.) 
(The phone rings.) 
Mike: "It's my tile guy. Here, see what looks good."
(He hands her the printout of hotels and answers the phone.) 
Mike: "Hey, Phil. Um, no. No. Tomorrow morning I'm making a lumber run. It's no good. Uh, no, I'll be gone tomorrow night, too." 
Susan: "I could let him in." 
Mike: "No, that's okay." 
Susan: "No, it's fine, just give me the key. I'll be around all day." 
Mike: "All right. Thanks. Phil, I'll give the key to my neighbor. She'll be here to let you in."
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[Nighttime]
(A car drives down the street of an old, worn-out neighborhood.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Like every city, Fairview had a neighborhood that was less than desirable. It was an accepted fact: anyone who lingered there after midnight was usually up to no good. Rex and Bree Van de Kamp were no exception."
(The car stops and Bree gets out. In a nonchalant manner, she walks around the car and heads towards Rex, who's parked in his own car in a darkened alleyway, with a perfect view of the car Bree had driven.) 
(She gets into the car with Rex.) 
Rex: "You really think this is gonna work?" 
Bree: "This is the most impoverished neighborhood in the city. Trust me, somebody will steal the car." 
Rex: "How can you be so sure?" 
Bree: "Because I have faith in the poor."
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[Paul's House]
(On the television is a home video of Mary Alice wearing a party hat. As the video plays, Paul watches it as he talks.) Paul: "She's so beautiful. I shot this last year on her birthday. How you going to do it?" 
Mr. Shaw: "I made contact with her at a bar. She thinks I'm a real estate developer." 
Paul: "Is she going to suffer?" 
Mr. Shaw: "No. Edie Britt will disappear, and you'll go back to your life." 
Paul: "Before you do it, do you think you should ask her why she sent this note to my wife?" 
Mr. Shaw: "You can't think like that, Mr. Young. You can't give in to your curiosity. Curiosity leads to guilt. Guilt leads to talking. You still have questions?"
(Paul sighs and shakes his head no.) 
Mr. Shaw: "I want to be clear about something. When I walk away with this cash, it's done. No refunds. No buyer's remorse." 
Paul: "I get it." 
Mr. Shaw: "We won't talk again, so I'll ask one more time: are you sure you want this?" 
Paul: "My wife is dead because of Edie Britt. I absolutely want this."
(He touches her face on the TV screen.) 
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[Rex's Car]
(Rex and Bree sit relaxed in the car, watching the car Bree left behind.) 
Rex: "You've been awfully quiet." 
Bree: "I had just been...thinking about the kids. They sure grew up quickly, didn't they?" 
Rex: "They sure did." 
Bree: "I remember telling them when they were babies that they weren't allowed to get any bigger because they were so adorable. And we were so happy." 
Rex: "Yeah, well..." 
Bree: "They sure didn't turn out like we expected them to." 
Rex: "No, they didn't." 
Bree: "We could have been better parents." 
Rex: "We weren't that bad." 
Bree: "We still have so much to teach them. For starters, we need to get across to Andrew the enormity of what he's done." 
Rex: "I don't - I suppose we could punish them." 
Bree: "All right, then what's the appropriate punishment for a child who drives over a woman?" 
Rex: "I...I don't know." 
Bree: "You know, no matter how the kids turn out, I still love them.'' 
Rex: "Of course, you do." 
Bree: "But I'll never forgive them for growing up so quickly." 
Rex: "Hey, look."
(A man stands by the car on the street, looks around, then quickly gets into the car and drives away.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Susan's House]
(Susan packs as she talks with Julie.) 
Susan: "And then I opened the cabinet and there was all this money in it. I mean, there was wads of it." 
Julie: "That's why you're freaking out? A few stacks of cash? Come on." 
Susan: "Well, what? Realistically, I've known this guy a few weeks. I mean, he could be a hit man for the mob!" 
Julie: "If you really think that, why are going on a trip with him?" 
Susan: "I never get out of the house." 
Julie: "Mom, if you really need something to freak out about, just remember that you're going to spend the night with Mike in a hotel. No man has seen you naked in years, except your doctor." 
Susan: "Yeah, and he retired. I try not to take that personally."
(She puts on a sweater.) 
Julie: "You look old in that." 
Susan: "Maybe I am being silly, but going to a hotel with a man is a big deal to me. What if Mike is hiding something?" 
Julie: "Like what?" 
Susan: "I don't know."
(A horn honks outside.) 
Julie: "That's Dad. I gotta go. Now, listen to me. No more freaking out. I need this weekend to go well." 
Susan: "Why do you care so much?" 
Julie: "Because I'm gonna have a husband of my own someday, and I really don't want you living with us."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Gabrielle's House]
(The four Van de Kamps are visiting Carlos and Gabrielle.) 
Bree: "Are the lady fingers okay?" 
Gabrielle: "Oh, they're terrific. We just appreciate you all stopping by." 
Bree: "We just want you to know how much we care." 
Rex: "So, have the police come up with any leads?" 
Gabrielle: "Not really. They'll be able to determine the make and model of the car, but without any eye witnesses, no one seems very optimistic." 
Bree: "Well, more importantly, is there any good news about Juanita?" 
Gabrielle: "No change. All we can do is wait and hope for the best." 
Danielle: "We put her on our prayer list at church." 
Gabrielle: "Oh, that's very sweet, Danielle, thank you." 
Carlos: "It must really help during times like these--having kids." 
Rex: "Yeah, they're a blessing." 
Carlos: "Children make everything worthwhile. You guys are the future. Legacy." 
Andrew: "Thanks." 
Carlos: "After we're all dead, you'll be the only ones left to carry on. Gabrielle and I are about to start a family." Rex: "Oh, hey, that--that's great." 
Bree: "Well, when did you decide this?" 
Gabrielle: "It's a fairly recent development."
(She stares pointedly at Carlos, who bows his head in slight acknowledgement.) 
Bree: "I see." 
Gabrielle: "We'll talk about this later." 
Carlos: "Face it. We're shallow people. I mean, can our lives have any meaning if all we ever do is buy stuff?" Gabrielle: "That depends on what we buy." 
Carlos: "I want a child." 
Gabrielle: "In case you've forgotten, before we got married, we made a deal. No kids." 
Carlos: "Yeah, well, deals were meant to be renegotiated." 
Gabrielle: "Well, we're not negotiating my uterus." 
Bree: "We should probably be going." 
Rex: "Yeah." 
Bree: "Thank you so much."
(The Van de Kamps leave the Solis's house and walk back to their house.) 
Danielle: "That was weird." 
Bree: "I feel awful for Carlos. That talk about children was obviously coming from his grief." 
Andrew: "Whatever. I'm off the hook."
(He and Danielle touch fists and walk off. Bree stops walking and stares after him.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Lynette's House]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"A weary Lynette drank her potent tea in hopes of finally finding the sleep that had eluded her. Unfortunately for Lynette, there would be no rest for the weary."
(Lynette lies down on the couch and covers herself up with blankets when the doorbell rings.) 
Lynette: "Go to hell."
(The doorbell rings several more times.) 
Lynette: "Go to hell. Go to hell. Go to hell. Go to hell. Go to hell."
(She stomps to the door and opens it. A stream of boy scouts with a scout mother rush inside.) 
Scout mother: "Sorry we're late, Kenny Lipman couldn't find his handkerchief. Come on guys!" 
Lynette: "The scout meeting is today?"
(The boys run all over the house, being noisy, as Lynette stares at them.) 
(Later, the boys are separate into groups, with the other scout mother monitoring the boys at the table and Lynette on the floor with her three boys and one other boy. They have books on rope tying in front of them. Lynette leans against the couch, sleeping sitting up.) 
Parker: "Mommy!" 
Lynette: "What? Oh...right! Okay, boys. This knot is called the bowline. It is a remarkably useful knot. Now, pick up your ropes. Okay. First we cross this end over here, and then we make a loop, and then another loop, and then you sort of pull it through, I'm guessing, and then, ready? Yank it taut."
(She pulls her rope taut and it's a straight piece of rope.) 
Twin: "Mommy, that doesn't look like the picture." 
Lynette: "You're never going to be a sailor, what do you care? Okay everybody, let's just take a break!"
(She gets up.) 
Lynette: "Thanks!"
(She walks away and the boys on the floor start hitting each other with the rope.) 
(Lynette goes to the bathroom and takes out some pills, which she swallows. She pauses, then swallows some more.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Mike's House]
Phil: "Okay, it's all up there. Can I get a signature?" 
Susan: "Oh, of course." 
Phil: "Thank you very much." 
Susan: "Here you go. Have a nice weekend." 
Phil: "You too, lady."
(She closes the door behind him, then heads for the kitchen, where she removes all of the money and the gun.) 
(Later, she sits on the living room couch, counting out the money. She hears a car door slam and when she looks out the window, see Phil getting out of his truck. Quickly, she gathers up all of the money and the gun and rushes up the stairs.) 
Phil: "Hey ma'am, you still here? I forgot to give you a receipt! Ma'am?"
(Susan heads into Mike's bathroom and dumps everything into the sink. She climbs on the toilet to look out the window and sees Phil driving away. She lets out a sigh of relief. She then jumps down, falling through the floor, where she stays there, trapped.) 
Susan: "Hello! I need help, I'm up here, I'm trapped in the floor, hello?!"
(Bongo comes running in to stare at her.) 
Susan: "If you came in here to judge me, you can just leave!"
(Bongo looks behind him to the door.) 
Susan: "Wait! Wait! No! Wait, don't, don't go! Wait, I have an idea. Here! Here! Here! Here, grab the towel, Bongo! Come on, grab the other end! Come on, boy! That's it! Get the other end! Come on, Bongo! Pull the other end! Come on, Bongo! What are you doing? Bongo, over here!"
(He goes over and starts drinking out of the toilet.) 
Susan: "Bongo? Oh, oh! don't do that! Bongo!"
(She grimaces.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[John's House]
(Gabrielle walks up the path to John's house, past John, himself, who's working on the yard.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"While Susan was hopelessly stuck, Gabrielle was moving to confront the issue of her young lover's restless conscience."
John: "Nobody's home." 
Gabrielle: "I know, I've been watching. I came to talk to you."
(She turns slightly and sees that he's stopped working.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Although she would need to be discrete."
Gabrielle: "Keep working! What were you thinking, showing up at the hospital?" 
John: "I had to see if she was okay." 
Gabrielle: "You need to keep a low profile right now." 
John: "Look, you and I are finished. From now on, I'm sticking with Danielle." 
Gabrielle: "Why would you say that?"
(Gabrielle rings the doorbell again.) 
John: "I hate myself for what we did! Okay? I can't sleep at night! I've got to make a clean break." 
Gabrielle: "We weren't driving the car. We didn't chase Juanita into the street!" 
John: "Well, she wouldn't have been there if we weren't having an affair."
(Gabrielle turns away from the door to face John.) 
Gabrielle: "Oh, for God's sakes, between you and Carlos! Listen to me carefully, you didn't do anything wrong."
(She rings the doorbell again.) 
John: "That's not what Father Crowley thinks." 
Gabrielle: "What?" 
John: "I went to confession."
(Gabrielle turns around and walks over to him.) 
Gabrielle: "Have you lost your mind? What did you tell him?"
(She leans over to smell the rose.) 
John: "Everything." 
Gabrielle: "Including in the alley? Behind the truck stop?" 
John: "Everything." 
Gabrielle: "Damn you!"
(She storms off.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Mike's House]
(Bongo comes into the bathroom again where Susan is still stuck.) 
Susan: "What is wrong with you? Lassie would have had a fire truck here by now! Stupid dog."
(Bongo turns and rushes off.) 
Susan: "Good boy, Bongo! Run, Bongo, run, go get help!"
(Bongo returns and drops a dead crow in front of her.) 
Susan: "Ooooeeewwwoooohhh..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bree's House]
(Bree and Andrew are both in the kitchen.) 
Bree: "Andrew, um, I know the last few days have been stressful, and, uh, you know, if you ever need to talk to anybody..." 
Andrew: "I know, I know. You and Dad are here for me." 
Bree: "Actually, I was thinking we could arrange for you to talk to a professional." 
Andrew: "A shrink? You think I'm crazy?" 
Bree: "Of course not. It's just that the accident probably stirred up a lot of emotions, and it would be normal for you to be feeling confused or depressed or ashamed..." 
Andrew: "I'm cool, mom. Really." 
Bree: "Honey, you put a woman into a coma. Surely that arouses some kind of emotion!" 
Andrew: "Yeah, well, it doesn't. Now if you'll excuse me..." 
Bree: "No, I won't, not until you tell me." 
Andrew: "Why do you care?" 
Bree: "Because I need to know that you're not a monster!" 
Andrew: "You want to know how I feel?" 
Bree: "Yeah." 
Andrew: "Okay, here it goes. I feel bad that she got hurt. But I also feel bad that my car got dinged because somebody didn't have enough sense to look both ways before she crossed the street. And I also feel bad that now I'm gonna have to ride my bike to school." 
Bree: "Andrew, you almost killed another human being." 
Andrew: "She's an old lady. Okay? She's lived her life. I have my whole life ahead of me, and now it might be screwed up! That's what you should be worried about!" 

Bree: "What I'm worried about, Andrew, is that you don't seem to have a soul. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't call the police!" 
Andrew: "Because I'm your son. That would make you the monster."
(He walks out.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Mike's House]
(Mike opens up the front door and Bongo comes rushing down the stairs to greet him.) 
Mike: "Hey, buddy!"
(He goes into the kitchen and sees the remains of the bathroom floor scattered on the kitchen. He looks up and sees Susan's legs dangling from the ceiling.) 
Mike: "Susan, is that you?" 
Susan: "Mike? I'm upstairs. Sorta." 
Mike (laughing): "Hang on, I'll be right up."
(When he gets to the bathroom, he stops, and leans against the door frame.) 
Mike: "What happened?" 
Susan: "Well, you see, this bird, um, flew in your bathroom window, and, I, tried to save it, but, uh, it died." 
Mike: "I don't think that's what happened." 
Susan: "I don't think so, either." 
Mike: "Come on..."
(He lifts her out and puts her to the side.) 
Susan: "Thank you, oh, you have no idea what that was like..."
(Mike looks in the sink and notices the money and gun Susan left there.) 
Mike: "You went through my cabinets." 
Susan: "What? Oh, I can explain." 
Mike: "Get out of my house." 
Susan: "Mike..." 
Mike: "Get out!"
(She leaves.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Outside]
(Mr. Shaw gets out of his car and goes to the trunk. He opens it. Inside are shovels. He takes out a gun and hides it in the back of his pants, underneath his jacket.) 
(Edie pulls up in her car and gets out. Mr. Shaw closes the trunk.) 
Edie: "Hello there!" 
Mr. Shaw: "Good afternoon." 
Edie: "Ooh, well, isn't this just as pretty as a picture book!" 
Mr. Shaw: "Well, the plan is to put in a small condo." 
Edie: "You want to make some money, or you want to pussyfoot around?" 
Mr. Shaw: "What do you suggest?" 
Edie: "I'm thinking strip mall. I've run some numbers."
(She pulls out a sheet of the purple stationary with numbers written on it and hands it to him.) 
Mr. Shaw: "Nice stationary." 
Edie: "Oh, it's stolen." 
Mr. Shaw: "What do you mean?" 
Edie: "After my house burned down, I was staying with this neighbor, Martha Huber. That is, until the old troll threw me out. Anyway, I'd steal her stuff, she'd steal mine. Circle of life." 
Mr. Shaw: "So this paper is hers?" 
Edie: "Oh, God, yes."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Lynette's House]
(Parker plays with the radio, switching stations and turning it louder. The twins bang on pots, The house is a mess, with food and toys everywhere.) 
(Lynette comes into the kitchen, talking on the phone.) 
Lynette: "No, Tom, you can't do this to me. Because, I need you at home. Boys, stop it, I am on the phone. Well, yeah, I realize it's not your fault that the meeting got postponed, but you promised you'd be back tonight. I, I, I gotta go. The kids are... Yeah, I know... you're sorry, just, will you try to get back as soon as you can? Okay, bye."
(She hangs up the phone.) 
Lynette: "Boys, would you please, please, stop it. Really, really, mommy's got a headache. Okay? Just, uh..." 
Radio: ...and drowsy and ready to sleep, let the morning time drop all its petals on me... life I love you, all is groovy... 
Lynette: "Turn that damn thing off."
(Lynette starts screaming at the boys as everything happens in slow motion. She throws pans on the floor and throws a can through the window. Facing the window, she sees Mary Alice appear. Mary Alice smiles, looks down at her hands, and then hands Lynette a gun. Slowly, Lynette takes the gun, looks at it, and then holds it up to her own head. She closes her eyes.) 
(A loud crash wakes up Lynette, who had been sleeping with her head on the kitchen table. She looks at her boys, who are ignoring her, doing their own thing, and she sighs.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Outside Mike's House]
(Susan rings Mike's doorbell. He answers the door, unfriendly.) 
Mike: "What?" 
Susan: "I just came over to say I'm sorry, and I'll pay for all the damage." 
Mike: "Don't worry about it."
(He starts to close the door.) 
Susan: "Well, so, in your mind, is the date off?" 
Mike: "Well, you snooped around my house, and went through my stuff. Uh, yeah, in my book, that's pretty much a deal breaker."
(Susan opens the screens and enters the house.) 
Susan: "Hold on a minute, now. I started snooping around because I found all that money by accident. And, and then, I found a gun. Are you a drug dealer or something?" 
Mike: "Is that what you think?" 
Susan: "Well, I wouldn't know because you never let me in. You know, there's this whole part of your life that you keep completely walled off." 
Mike: "I have a gun for protection, I keep cash for emergencies. I'm a good guy, Susan, and you should know that. I'm, I'm not obligated to share every little detail of my life with you." 
Susan: "Well, every little detail is one thing. You know, weird creepy secrets, that's another." 
Mike: "You know what, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't trust me." 
Susan: "Well, maybe we shouldn't be dating." 
Mike: "Maybe we shouldn't." 
Susan: "Do you mean that?" 
Mike: "Yeah." 
Susan: "Well, I hope that, your, you know, little secret keeps you warm at night because you're throwing something really great away to protect it!"
(She walks off and he closes the door.) 
(Susan walks angrily back to her house, passing by Lynette's house as she does so. Lynette, with all four children, sees her and calls out.) 
Lynette: "Oh, Susan, you gotta take my kids for a while." 
Susan: "Lynette, it's just, this really isn't the time..." 
Lynette: "No, no, I'm sorry, I can't do this. It's just too much. Boys, you stay with your aunt Susan."
(She hands Susan the baby and the boys cheer, then rush back to the front door. Lynette goes to her car, gets in, and drives off.) 
Susan: "Lynette! You know, when are you coming back? Lynette! Lynette!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Soccer field]
(Lynette sits against a post, slowly turning a prescription bottle in her hands.) 
(Bree and Susan slowly drive up to the field.) 
Bree: "There's Lynette's car, she's gotta be close." 
Susan: "I hope the kids aren't too much for Danielle to handle." 
Bree: "She'll be fine. What do you think's happening with Lynette?"
Susan: "I don't know, but I'm scared. Something's very, very wrong."
(Susan stops the car and the two of them get out and walk over to Lynette.) 
Bree: "Lynette? Honey?" 
Susan: "Are you okay?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Hospital Room]
(Gabrielle sits alone next to Mama Solis's hospital bed. Father Crowley walks in.) 
Gabrielle: "Father, I'm so glad you could come and pray for mama. Please, sit, sit." 
Father Crowley: "Thank you, Gabrielle." 
Gabrielle: "Listen, since you're here, there's something I've always wondered about. That whole thing about priests not being allowed to repeat what they hear in confessions, is that a hard rule, or just a general guideline?" 
Father Crowley: "Rest assured, everyone's secrets are safe." 
Gabrielle: "That's good to hear." 
Father Crowley: "I'll keep yours, too, if you want to talk." 
Gabrielle: "No, me? No, no. Confession is not really my thing." 
Father Crowley: "That's a shame," 
Gabrielle: "Okay. You can stop condemning me with your eyes. Right now. I know you know, about the affair. But you know nothing about my life. Look, it's not even an issue anymore. John and I are finished." 
Father Crowley: "Gabrielle, the church is pretty clear on this. If you commit a mortal sin, and you die without repenting, you go to hell." 
Gabrielle: "Well, aren't you just a ball of fun. So, if I confess, it'll clean the slate, right?" 
Father Crowley: "Well, not only that. If you want God's forgiveness, you have to be truly sorry, and you have to promise not to commit the sin again." 
Gabrielle: "So what happens if I repent, later, like, say, when I'm 75?" 
Father Crowley: "I wouldn't recommend waiting. What if you die before then?" 
Gabrielle: "Well, let's say I don't die. I do yoga, I eat well. If I wait, does my repenting still count?" 
Father Crowley: "If you mean it, yes." 
Gabrielle: "Thank you, Father Crowley. You have been a tremendous comfort. Um, I will let you do your thing." 
Father Crowley: "Gabrielle, you know, we are all responsible for the choices we make. Don't you want to be a good person?" 
Gabrielle: "What I want is to be happy." 
Father Crowley: "That's the answer of a selfish child." 
Gabrielle: "I know."
(She turns and leaves.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Soccer Field]
Lynette: "Then I started taking the pills because they gave me energy, but then I couldn't sleep at night, and I was getting so tired in the daytime. And, it totally messed me up. I love my kids so much. I'm so sorry they have me as a mother." 
Bree: "Lynette, you're a great mother." 
Lynette: "No, I'm not. I can't do it. I'm so tired of feeling like a failure. It's so humiliating." 
Susan: "No, it's not! So you got addicted to your kids' ADD medication. It happens." 
Bree: "You've got four kids. That's a lot of stress. Honey, you need some help." 
Lynette: "That's what's so humiliating. Other moms don't need help. Other moms make it look so easy. All I do is complain." 
Susan: "That's just not true. When, when Julie was a baby, I, I was out of my mind almost every day." 
Bree: "I used to get so upset when Andrew and Danielle were little. I used their nap times to cry." 
Lynette (crying): "Why didn't you ever tell me this?" 
Bree: "Oh, baby. Nobody likes to admit that they can't handle the pressure." 
Susan: "I think it's just that we think that it's easier to keep it all in." 
Lynette: "Well, we shouldn't. We should tell each other this stuff." 
Susan: "It helps, huh?" 
Lynette: "Yeah, it really does."
(Susan hugs her and Bree gently brushes the hair away from her face.) 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Paul's House]
Paul: "So it was Martha Huber all along." 
Mr. Shaw: "Seems so. Edie didn't move in with Huber until after your wife received the blackmail note." 
Paul: "Thank God. We almost killed an innocent woman." 
Mr. Shaw: "Like I said, I don't do refunds, but if you'd like, I'm willing to pay Mrs. Huber a visit." 
Paul: "No. Just keep the money. This whole thing's been tearing me up. The nightmares, the guilt. This isn't what Mary Alice would've wanted." 
Mr. Shaw: "What would she have wanted?" 
Paul: "Answers."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Outside Mrs. Huber's House]
(Mrs. Huber is removing groceries when Paul shows up. He takes some of her groceries.) 
Paul: "Hello, Mrs. Huber." 
Martha: "Paul." 
Paul: "Let me give you a hand." 
Martha: "That's really not necessary." 
Paul: "I insist."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Susan's House]
(Susan sits quietly in a chair, sipping from a glass of wine. She finishes it and gets up to pour more. She looks out of her window and sees a man looking out of his window at her.) 
(It's Mike, and he stands in his house, watching her, then goes over to his couch, where he looks at the pictures he has of her next to the maps of the neighborhood.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Mrs. Huber's House]
(A small ant crawls over Paul's hand as he watches Mrs. Huber put away her groceries.) 
Paul: "Ants, huh." 
Martha: "Yeah. I've got a little infestation problem. I wanted to take care of it before I left on my trip." 
Paul: "Never had a problem with ants. Mary Alice and I had these little black flies once." 
Martha: "Oh?" 
Paul: "She was so funny about it. She ran out and bought herself a can of poison something to spray them down, so she was taking aim at one on the counter, and she just, uh, stops, and puts the can down. couldn't do it. She told me later, it felt too personal. Literally couldn't kill a fly. That's how gentle she was." 
Martha: "Then you must have lived with quite a few flies. I'm going to have to say good night to you now, Paul."
(He puts the note on the counter.) 
Martha: "What are you doing here?" 
Paul: "I want to know why."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Susan's House]
(Susan takes another sip of wine when somebody knocks on her door. It's Mike.) 
Mike: "I know you've got a lot of questions. And I also know I don't want to lose you. So ask me anything you want." 
Susan: "You just told me everything I need to know."
(She pulls him towards her and starts kissing him. They enter her house. He closes the door with his foot and, still kissing, they stop at her work table. He leans her over it.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Mrs. Huber's House]
Martha: "All right, my idiot husband died, and left me with a worthless pension. I was desperate for money, and it's better to take it from a bad person than a good one. How was I supposed to know she'd shoot herself?" 
Paul: "She was a good person." 
Martha: "A good person who leaves her child motherless? Read the Bible, Paul, suicide's a big no-no." 
Paul: "Don't you feel any remorse whatsoever?" 


Martha: "Why should I? Your wife didn't kill herself because I wrote a note. She killed herself because of what she did to that poor baby! But rest assured, I'm praying for Mary Alice. After what she did, she'll need all of our prayers."
(She heads to the refrigerator, where she removes some ice and some milk. Paul sees the blender on the kitchen counter. He picks it up and as she turns back around, he slams it into her head. She drops to the floor.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Susan's House]
(Still kissing, Mike pushes Susan up against a wall.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Mrs. Huber's House]
(Paul gets on the floor where Mrs. Huber is and begins strangling her. She tries to push him away, but can't.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Susan's House]
(Still against the wall, kissing, Mike captures Susan's hand against the wall, holding it there. He kisses her neck and then travels lower.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Mrs. Huber's House]
(Paul continues strangling Mrs. Huber.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Susan's House]
(Susan pulls away from Mike, and then walks backwards, taking his hand and pulling him towards her. He follows.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Mrs. Huber's House]
(Mrs. Huber has passed and Paul gently folds the rug she's lying on over her body.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Susan's House]
(On Susan's bed, Mike lies on his back. Susan is astride him, still fully clothed. She kisses him as she runs her hands down his body.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bree's House]
(Bree sits at the dining room table, reading the Bible.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"There is a widely read book that tells us everyone is a sinner. Of course, not everyone feels guilt over the bad things they do."
(Bree looks up to where Andrew is sitting in the kitchen, playing a hand-held video game.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"In contrast, there are those who assume more than their share of the blame."
(At the hospital, Carlos gently washes his mother with a sponge.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"There are others, who sooth their consciences with small acts of kindness."
(Gabrielle takes a sponge and takes over for Carlos.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Or by telling themselves their sins were justified."
(Paul scrubs at the blood on the counter.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Finally, there are the ones who simply vow to do better next time, and pray for forgiveness."
(Lynette lies, sleeping, on her couch.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Sometimes, their prayers are answered."
(Dreaming, Lynette sits on the grass in a park with her baby. Her boys run by her, playing with each other. She smiles and looks up, seeing Mary Alice step from the trees. They smile at each other.) 
~ The End ~




Desperate Housewives 
1X09 - Suspicious Minds
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on "desperate housewives"...one was careless...
Bree:You put a woman into a coma.Surely that arouses some kind of emotion.
Andrew:Well, it doesn't.
Mike:You and I are finished.
Mary Alice Voiceover:One said goodbye...
Lynette:I'm so tired of feeling like a failure.
Mary Alice Voiceover:One almost lost it...
Mrs. Huber:Your wife didn't kill herself because I wrote a note.She killed herself because of what she did to that poor baby.
Mary Alice Voiceover:And one got exactly what she deserved.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(As Mary Alice speaks via voice-over, the scenes Mary Alice describes are shown.)
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Gabrielle was waiting for her next great idea. Her first great idea came when she was fifteen, after her stepfather paid her a late-night visit. She bought a bus ticket to New York the very next day. Her next occurred five years later when she decided to seduce a famous fashion photographer. One week later, she began her career as a runway model, which soon led to her next great idea--her decision to marry Carlos Solis. 
Before she knew it, she had jumped off the runway and moved to the suburbs. Her most recent great idea was born out of her boredom with her new life. That's how she came to start an affair with her teenage gardener, which was cut short by a tragic accident. So once again, Gabrielle was in need of a great idea."
(A nurse comes in and checks in on Mama Solis.) 
Nurse: "Mrs. Solis, I know you're worried, but it's going to take time." 
Gabrielle: "Hmmm? What is?" 
Nurse: "You look sad. I assume you're thinking about your mother-in-law." 
Gabrielle: "Oh, no." 
Nurse: "So, uh, what were you thinking about?" 
Gabrielle: "My life. It hasn't turned out like I thought it would." 
Nurse: "Oh, honey!" 
Gabrielle: "Oh, I know I shouldn't complain. It's just there's something missing, and I don't know what it is. Do you ever feel that way?" 
Nurse: "Hmmm, no. When I go home at night, I sleep like a baby, because I know I did something that day that helped people." 
Gabrielle: "That must be a nice feeling.'' 
Nurse: "Hmmm, it is. Of course, there are times I wish I didn't have to work so hard. We've got a real nursing shortage here, and they keep cutting our budget, and..."
(The nurse is interrupted by an announcement over the loud speaker.) 
Announcement: "Attention all available personnel. Code blue, stat. Room 214."
Nurse: "Excuse me..."
(She rushes out of the room as the announcement is repeated. Curious, Gabrielle follows her.) 
Nurse: "Damn it, get a doctor in here, I don't have an airway. No time, I have to intubate. Mr. Getz? Mr. Getz? Listen. You're not dying on me, okay? This tube is to help you breathe. I need you to be brave now!"
Mary Alice Voiceover:"It was then that Gabrielle got her next great idea."
(A nurse closes the curtains around the patient's bed.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Gabrielle's House]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"She decided to throw the first annual Sacred Heart Charity Fashion Show, to raise money for more nursing staff."
Betty: "Gabby, Gabby, I can't do it. I cannot walk down a runway in one of these dresses. They all make me look so fat. Please, get someone to take my place, Please!" 
Gabrielle: "Betty, listen to me." 
Betty: "No, no, please." 
Gabrielle: "Listen, Betty! Okay? You're not quitting on me now. We're going to find you a gown. It's going to be black, and slimming, and you're going to look great! I need you to be brave now." 
Betty: "Okay."
(Betty walks off and Gabrielle looks pleased with herself.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"And that night, when she went to bed, Gabrielle slept like a baby."
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Credits
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[Gabrielle's House]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"News of the fashion show spread quickly on Wisteria Lane. Though the event was for charity, Gabrielle soon discovered that when it came to the latest fashions, women are seldom charitable. No one knew this better than Edie Britt. She understood that treachery never goes out of style."
(Edie finds a dress in the racks that she likes. She begins to rip off the tag that claims it's Susan's dress. As she pulls it from the rack and turns around, she runs into Susan, who was walking up.) 
Edie: "Susan!" 
Susan: "Give me the dress." 
Edie: "I gave it a shot!"
(She hands the dress over.) 
(In a different part of the room, Helen is admiring the dress she's wearing. Gabrielle comes up.) 
Gabrielle: "Hi, Helen!'' 
Helen: "Hi!" 
Gabrielle: "How's the dress fitting?" 
Helen: "Great. Maybe it could be taken out at the shoulder a little." 
Gabrielle: "Sure, no problem. There you go." 
Helen: "You know, Gabrielle, I never thanked you properly." 
Gabrielle: "For what?" 
Helen: "For what you did for my son. It was so nice of you to hire John as your gardener." 
Gabrielle: "Believe me, it's been my pleasure. How's he doing?" 
Helen: "Good, good." 
Gabrielle: "I hear he's dating Danielle Van de Kamp?" 
Helen: "Well, for now. I think it's just a matter of time before they break up for good." 
Gabrielle: "What's wrong?" 
Helen: "Oh, she just seems to want much more of a relationship than he does. You remember what's it's like dating teenage boys." 
Gabrielle: "Vaguely." 
Helen: "Thank you."
(She leaves to look at herself in the mirror again.) 
(Carlos comes down the stairs, talking on the portable phone.) 
Carlos: "No, you tell that son-of-a-bitch Tanaka that if he doesn't call me in an hour, I'm going to go down to his office, find him, and kick his ass."
(He hangs up the phone. The women stare at him.)
Carlos: "Ladies..."
(He walks off.) 
(Susan comes up to Gabrielle.) 
Susan: "Trouble at work?" 
Gabrielle: "I don't know what his problem is. He's making money left and right. I just wish he'd relax."
(Off to the side, Edie gets upset.) 
Edie: "Crap! Crap! Crap! I'm telling you, all of the good dresses are taken. Well, what the hell am I supposed to wear?" 
Lynette: "Well, Mrs. Huber never showed up. Why don't you wear this one?" 
Edie: "This is an old lady dress. You won't even be able to see my body." 
Lynette: "That is so like you, Edie. You're always thinking of others." 
Bree: "So, why isn't Mrs. Huber here?" 
Edie: "Last I heard, she went to visit her sister. I just can't believe that Martha would agree to wear this. She always said she'd never be caught dead in black."
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Sadly for Mrs. Huber, this was no longer the case."
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[Outside, in the woods]
(A large black bag, with a human-shaped lump inside is lying on the ground. Nearby, Paul digs a hole in the ground. When he's done, he drags the bag into the hole. An arm hangs out. He throws the green blender into the hole, next to the body, and then begins shoveling in the dirt.) 
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[Susan's House]
(Julie is spooning ice cream into a bowl when Susan comes in with the mail.) 
Julie: "Hey Mom!" 
Susan: "Julie, you'll never guess who you got a letter from. Zach. Isn't that weird, him writing you?" 
Julie: "Yeah." 
Susan: "Well, open! Open, open, open! He could have said something about Dana!" 
Julie: "I'll read it later." 
Susan: "Later? What's wrong with now?" 
Julie: "I've got tons of homework, mom." 
Susan: "Julie, what's going on?" 
Julie: "This isn't the first letter I've gotten from Zach. We've been writing each other the last couple of weeks. Are you mad?" 
Susan: "No, it's just when I was your age, my pen pal lived on a farm in Ohio, not in a mental institution. You know, that letter is one notch above prison mail." 
Julie: "Zach's not crazy. He's just upset over his mom, and his dad doesn't even seem to care. He just needs a friend."
(She picks up her ice cream and leaves the kitchen.) 
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[Lynette's House]
(Lynette pays bills at the kitchen table while Tom, holding the baby, packs a bag.) 
Tom: "I packed the diapers. I'm gettin' the juice boxes and the carrot sticks..." 
Lynette: "Sunscreen?" 
Tom: "Got it. I'll go pick up the boys, we'll hit the park. And that should give you a good couple of hours..."
(They kiss.) 
Tom: "Enjoy the vacation!"
(Lynette leans back in her chair and gives Tom a look. Not a nasty look, just a look.) 
Tom: "What?" 
Lynette: "While you're gone, I'll be here, paying bills and sorting laundry and cooking dinner, so what part of that sounds like a vacation?" 
Tom: "Okay, right. You know what? We'll pick up dinner, and, you just take a hot bath, relax. Recharge."
(Lynette smiles, her gaze continuing on Tom, and she puts her leg up on the table.)
Tom: "Okay, I get it. It's gonna take more than a hot bath to recharge, but, uh, don't forget: I'm here all week!" 
Lynette: "Then what?" 
Tom: "Then we go back to normal?" 
Lynette: "Tom, our last version of normal had me popping pills. Normal is a bad, bad plan." 
Tom: "Okay, so we'll put our heads together and we'll come up with a solution."
Lynette: "I think we need to hire a nanny. Full time. " 
Tom: "It's just...it's a big, big commitment." 
Lynette: "I know. And I know we can't afford it. And I know everything that's happened is my fault. But, if I don't get some help, there's an excellent chance, I will lose my mind." 
Tom: "Okay. Well, then we have to make it work."
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[Andrew's Swim Meet]
(Andrew horses around with his friends. Rex and Bree are in the stands, watching him.) 
Bree: "It's just not right." 
Rex: "What?" 
Bree: "A woman is in a coma, because of Andrew. And there he is, happy as a clam!" 
Rex (exhales): "Well, we grounded him, we took away the TV in his room. How many more ways do you want to punish him?"
(Bree turns to look at Andrew, who's put his swimming cap on, gotten on the diving board, and is ready. The buzzer sounds, and he dives into the pool.) 
Bree: "I think we should make him quit the swim team." 
Rex: "Bree, this is the one thing in his life that he's passionate about!" 
Bree: "Well, maybe if we take it away from him, then he'll start to understand what he did! He has not shown an ounce of remorse since the accident." 
Rex: "Of course he feels bad! He's just, you know, keeping up a facade." 
Bree: "Well, he's doing a fabulous job!" 
Rex: "Look, if we take him off the swim team, he'll lose his shot at an athletic scholarship, and then he's never going to forgive us!" 
Bree: "Well, if it insures he grows up with some trace of humanity, then that's a risk I'm willing to take!" 
Rex: "Well, I'm not." 
Bree: "Well, that's because you just don't love him as much as I do!"
(Bree and Rex have faced off against each other, ignoring the swimming. The man in front of them glances back at them briefly before turning his attention back to the meet.) 
Rex: "Well, isn't that nice." 
Bree: "It's just a fact. I'm his mother. He lived inside of me." 
Rex: "He hung out in your womb for a few months back in the 80s. Since then, I have grown to love him just as much as you!"
(The whistle blows and the audience begins to clap.) 
Bree (to the man in front of them): "What just happened?" 
Man: "That kid you both love so much just won the race."
(Bree looks at Andrew, who's slapping high-fives with other teammates, and she and Rex both start clapping.) 
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[Gabrielle's House]
(Preparations are being made for the fashion show when Gabrielle walks in, coming up to John.) 
Gabrielle: "John!" 
John: "My mom said you needed volunteers, so, I'm volunteering." 
Gabrielle: "Oh! Finally got the charity bug?" 
John: "You sound surprised." 
Gabrielle: "No, not really. You were always a giver." 
John: "Would you knock it off? My mom's right over there." 
Gabrielle: "Have a seat. You can start by helping us alphabetize the donation cards."
(She hands them to him. He sits down and starts going through the box. She sits down across from him.) 
Gabrielle: "So word on the street is you and Danielle might break up." 
John: "Maybe. I don't know." 
Gabrielle: "Is that because of me?" 
John: "Not everything is about you."
(Gabrielle takes her foot out of her shoe and then puts it on John's inner thigh and pushes forward.) 
John (jumps): "Would you stop that!" 
Gabrielle: "Have you been thinking about me?" 
John: "No." 
Gabrielle: "Really?"
(John gulps.) 
Gabrielle: "Could have fooled me."
(Susan walks in the room and goes up to Helen, who's working at the other end of the table.) 
Susan: "Hey, do you need any help?" 
Helen: "Please, just pull up a chair."
(Helen spills papers on the floor.) 
Helen: "Oh, gosh." 
Susan: "Oh, that's okay. I've got it."
(Susan looks under the table and sees Gabrielle's foot massaging John's thigh. She bumps her head on the table.) 
Susan: "Ow! Oh!"
(She comes out from underneath the table and looks down to where Gabrielle and John are seated, apparently oblivious to each other.) 
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[Gabrielle's House]
(Gabrielle comes down her stairs to answer the door. Susan is there.) 
Gabrielle: "Susan, hi! Do you want to help with the seating cards?" 
Susan: "Sure. Do you want to tell me why you had your foot in John Rowland's crotch yesterday?" 
Gabrielle: "Oh, that! Uh... He was helping me adjust the seam in my stocking, and from your angle, it must have looked a little weird." 
Susan: "You're sleeping with him, aren't you?"
(Gabrielle quickly comes out to join Susan on the porch, closing the door behind her.) 
Gabrielle: "Okay, yes, but you have to promise not to tell anybody." 
Susan: "Gabrielle, he's in high school, and, it's illegal, and you're married. If Carlos found out, this would kill him." 
Gabrielle: "It's just sex, it's totally harmless." 
Susan: "How can you call something like this harmless? After everything you know about what I went through with Karl?" 
Gabrielle: "This isn't about you." 
Susan: "Yes it is. It's about me, and about every other person who was screwed over by somebody they loved. When Karl ran off with Brandy, you saw what a basket case I was. I was crying, I, I was tearing up his clothes, I couldn't get out of bed all day. You were right there. How could you do the same thing?" 
Gabrielle: "Whh--How can compare me to Karl? It's not fair. You have no idea what my life is like." 
Susan: "Well, why don't you enlighten me? You're beautiful, you have more money than you could spend, and you have a husband who adores you!" 
Gabrielle: "No, he doesn't adore me. He adores having me." 
Susan: "That's a rationalization and you know it! See you at the show."
(She leaves with Gabrielle looking after her.) 
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[Outside Lynette's House]
(Lynette is putting Baby Scavo into her car seat. Bree stands by the car, talking with Lynette.) 
Bree: "How many nannies did you interview?" 
Lynette: "Ten. Ten! Each one more incompetent than the last. One actually asked me--here you go (she gives the bottle to the baby)--if she was expected to change diapers." 
Bree: "Oh, good nannies are so hard to find." 
Lynette: "Yeah, that's why I was hoping to take advantage of your expertise." 
Bree: "Oh Lord, what do you want me to do?" 
Lynette: "All your rich friends have nannies. A-list nannies. I need to catch one--here you go--without their bosses." 
Bree: "Why?" 
Lynette: "So I can poach me one." 
Bree: "Lynette..." 
Lynette: "Look, at my old job, we didn't wait for good people to come to us. We went out and raided other companies. I don't see why it should be different when you're hiring a nanny." 
Bree: "I understand that good help is hard to find, but stealing a family's nanny is so...unseemly." 
Lynette: "I'm not twisting anyone's arm. If I make a better offer, why shouldn't a qualified person reap the benefits? So come on...where can I score some high grade nanny?"
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[Outside]
(John is putting supplies in his truck when Gabrielle walks up to him.) 
John: "Hey, Mrs. Solis. I have some awesome news." 
Gabrielle: "I have some not-so-awesome news, so you go first." 
John: "I broke it off with Danielle. I passed her a note during French class. So we can be together." 
Gabrielle: "John, your timing is impeccable." 
John: "What do you mean?" 
Gabrielle: "Susan Mayer saw us last night, and she knows everything."
(John sighs.) 
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[Outside of Bree's House]
(Bree closes the trunk to her minivan and walks to the front lawn with some fertilizer. Andrew, in his second-story bedroom, has the window open and leans outside. He catches sight of Bree. She looks up and sees him and starts inside.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Since the accident, Bree had started to worry that her son's sense of morality was going up in smoke."
(Andrew quickly pulls his head back into the room and starts cleaning up the remnants of something he was smoking.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"She was right to be concerned."
)Bree knocks on the door.) 
Bree: "Andrew, can I come in?"
(Andrew waves the air.) 
Andrew: "Uh, yeah, just a sec."
(He opens the door.) 
Andrew: "Hey, what's up?" 
Bree: "Why are you smiling?" 
Andrew: "Ummm.. It's just a joke that I heard." 
Bree: "Oh. What was it about?" 
Andrew: "It's kind of dirty, Mom." 
Bree: "Charming. What I was wondering was if you've bothered to spend any time reflecting on the reasons that you've been grounded, and all the pain that you've caused the Solis family." 
Andrew: "Yeah, I, I totally get how actions have affected, like, everything else." 
Bree: "Really?" 
Andrew: "Uh-huh. Like, I mean, you know, like, when I do something, like I did. And, you know, you guys do something like you did, which is, which is, you know, cool because uh, then everything just kind of balances itself out, and, and goes all, smooth again, you know?" 
Bree: "No, I don't."
(She pauses and sniffs the air.) 
Bree: "What's that smell? Have you been smoking marijuana?"
(Bree grabs his head and stares at Andrew's eyes.) 
Andrew: "No. Of course not." 
Bree: "You are strung out!" 
Andrew: "No! No, no, no, Mom" 
Bree: "Excuse me,"
(She storms past him out of the room, leaving Andrew standing there speechless with his hands out in front of him. She goes to the kitchen, searching in the cabinets for something.) 
(Bree returns with a plastic cup. She hands it to him.) 
Andrew: "What's that?" 
Bree: "It's the container you'll be urinating into."
(She grabs him by the ear and starts dragging him.) 
Andrew: "Ow! Ow! Ow! That hurts!"
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[Paul's House]
(Paul stands at the sink, scrubbing at bloody clothing in a wash basin. The blood is not coming out He throws the clothing into a garbage bag when somebody knocks at the door.) 
Paul: "Dr. Sicher, what are you doing here?" 
Dr. Sicher: "Mr. Young, I, I didn't want to upset you by telling you over the phone." 
Paul: "What is it?" 
Dr. Sicher: "Zach is missing from Silvercrest. It happened yesterday evening. We think it happened during the shift change. I know this is difficult to hear. I'm sorry." 
Paul: "Yeah, well, it's, uh, just been one of those days."
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[Outside of John's House]
(John and a friend are playing basketball.) 
Friend: "I still don't get while you're not with Danielle anymore. She looked so slutty at Ray's party." 
John: "She's not my type, I guess." 
Friend: "What? Oh, you still hung up on your mysterious married lady? What is it with her, besides the obvious, of course?" 
John: "We talk about real stuff, you know? She doesn't treat me like some lame yard boy." 
Friend: "But you are a lame yard boy." 
John: "It's all messed up now, anyway. Her friend found out about us. When it gets out, her husband is going to kill me." 
Friend: "But on the upside..."
(Helen, John's mother, walks outside, unbeknownst to the boys, carrying the trash.) 
Friend: "...your social status at school is going to explode when people find out you're doing a hot housewife!" 
John: "Shut up, dude!"
(Helen stands there frozen.) 
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[Paul's House]
Paul: "Please explain to me how he could just walk out. With the money that I pay you people, I would think you could afford a padlock." 
Dr. Sicher: "With all due respect, we are not a high security facility. And you have restricted our ability to treat Zach." 
Paul: "What the hell does that mean?" 
Dr. Sicher: "You've insisted that we medicate him without psychotherapy. That is a recipe for disaster. Zach is a troubled young man, and he is getting progressively worse."
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[Susan's House]
(Zach looks out a window.) 
Julie: "Hungry?" 
Zach: "Starving."
(She hands him a plate.) 
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[Valley View Park]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Bree had given Lynette the low down on Valley View Park. It was a gathering place for upscale nannies and their young charges. It was Lynette's first time there, and she was determined not to go home alone."
(She walks past a nanny blowing bubble gum and reading a magazine.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Of course, Lynette had high standards, so making a connection..."
(She walks past a nanny picking several French fries up off the ground, about to eat them.)
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...wasn't easy. Still, she was desperate to find that special someone..."
(She walks past an older nanny with a popsicle in her hand, asleep on the bench, quietly snoring.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"And that's exactly who she found."
(Lynette stops behind the bench of a young nanny with two children in front of her.) 
Claire: "Okay. All-righty. Here's one for you and one for Amy."
(She gives the girl a kiss.) 
Claire: "All right. Have fun..." she winks, "...and I'll be right here if you need me, okay?"
(The children run off.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"From the moment she saw her..."
Lynette: "Is this seat taken?" 
Claire: "Nope, go ahead."
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...Lynette knew she had to have her."
Lynette: "You know, I couldn't help but notice how wonderful you are with those children." 
Claire: "Thanks." 
Lynette: "I'm Lynette." 
Claire: "Claire." 
Lynette: "Claire? I've always loved that name. So Claire..."( She laughs.) "Do you come here often?"
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[Golf Course]
(Rex is walking toward his golf ball on the course. A golf cart with Bree in it approaches Rex on the course. She gets out and walks toward him. She hands him a plastic container with a yellow liquid.) 
Rex: "What's this?" 
Bree: "Your son's urine." 
Rex (to his golf partner): "I'm gonna need a moment," 
Bree: "I think Andrew has been smoking marijuana, so I want you to take this and get it tested right away." 
Rex: "Why?" 
Bree: "Because I want you to pull him from the swim team and I don't think you'll allow it without proof." 
Rex: "Proof or no proof, you're not going to take him off the team." 
Bree: "Yes, I am." 
Rex: "If you try, I'm going to go to the coach and tell him to ignore you. We're not gonna screw up Andrew's future just because he sparked a doobie! I mean, come on, we've all done it!" 
Bree: "Not all of us! Rex, I thought you moved back home to try and straighten Andrew out! To, to teach him the consequences of his actions. I don't understand why you're fighting me on this." 
Rex: "Because I disagree. Because we're still getting divorced, and I don't have to let you push me around anymore." 
Bree: "I never pushed you around. We always made our decisions together." 
Rex: "No, you always made decisions, and tell me I agreed. Eighteen years of smiling and taking it. What, what a liar I was! Thank God you're out of my life!" 
Bree: "Rex!" 
Rex: "Hmmm?" 
(He turns.) 
(She throws Andrew's urine all over Rex.) 
Rex: "What the hell are you doing?" 
Bree: "The same thing you just did to every memory I have of our marriage."
(She gets back in the golf cart.) 
Rex: "You know what? If you were my mom, I'd smoke pot too!"
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[Valley View Park]
Lynette: "So your boss made you return her underwear?" 
Claire: "Yep. After she had already worn 'em once." 
Lynette: "Couldn't you have just said no?" 
Claire: "You don't say no to Alexis. If you want to keep your job." 
Lynette: "She sounds awful." 
Claire: "What can I do? I love the kids." 
Lynette: "Well, if we had a nanny like you at my house, we would treat her like gold. Did I mention I have four very loveable kids?" 
Claire: "Really." 
Lynette: "Oh, yes."
(Claire becomes upset suddenly and starts packing up the items around her.) 
Claire: "Oh no." 
Lynette: "What?" 
Claire: "It's Alexis. I don't want her to get the wrong idea, so you should go." 
Lynette: "Are you going to be here tomorrow? I want to see you again."
Claire: "No, I'm busy." 
Lynette: "I just want to talk." 
Claire: "Lynette, this isn't right." 
Lynette: "Claire, Claire, please."
(Claire pulls a business card out of her purse and gives it to Lynette.) 
Claire: "All right. I will be at this address until noon tomorrow. Now go!"
(Lynette leaves and Claire picks up her items to meet Alexis.) 
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[Outside Susan's House]
(Susan is sitting on a wicker sofa on her front lawn, painting. John walks toward her.) 
Susan: "What are you doing here?" 

John: "I know you know, and you're probably freaking out, so I just wanted to explain. What me and Mrs. Solis have -- it's deep -- you know. We've got a future, it's not just sex." 
Susan: "Listen to me. There is no future for you and Gabrielle. She's not going to divorce Carlos and run away with you." 
John: "Why not?" 
Susan: "Because he has money. A lot of it." 
John: "Look, I'm not going to be mowing lawns forever. I have big plans for my life." 
Susan (stands up): "Okay. Just stop talking. John, how old are you?" 
John: "Almost eighteen." 
Susan: "Exactly. You are not mature enough to have a realistic perspective on this relationship. You would be so much happier with a girl your own age." 
John: "She's the one I want. You know, I really love her."
(Susan sighs and caresses John's face.) 
(Across the street, Helen sits in her car, watching.) 
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[Fashion Show]
(As a woman walks down the runway, Tom Scavo is the runway announcer.) 
Tom: "Please welcome Mrs. Arlene Norn. We have Arlene and her husband Norris to thank for all our folding chairs this evening. So, please remember for all your folding chair needs...rent Norn's."
(In the back, Gabrielle helps Betty into a tight dress.) 
Tom: "Next up we have Mrs. Betty Nolan."
(Gabrielle pushes Mrs. Nolan towards the stage and turns back to the rest of the back stage.) 
Gabrielle: "Thank god, Tom could fill in at the last minute." 
Bree: "Why did Carlos have to back out?" 
Gabrielle: "Some work emergency. He wouldn't talk about it. Sometimes I could just kill him." 
Lynette: "Well, look on the bright side, Tom's having the time of his life."
(She peeks out onto the runway where Betty scampers off stage and Tom turns his head to watch her go.) 
Tom: "Hands off, fellas. She's all mine."
Lynette: "I guess he does have a sort of dorky charm." 
Gabrielle: "Okay, you're up first, followed by Lynette, uh, and then Edie...Edie. Where's Edie Britt?"
(Edie walks in.) 
Edie: "Over here..."
(The black dress Mrs. Huber was supposed to wear is now on Edie, but it's been cut down to reflect Edie's style.) 
Gabrielle: "Edie, what did you do to that dress?" 
Edie: "Well, I made it audience friendly. Can you tell I'm not wearing any underwear?" 
Gabrielle: "Yes!" 
Edie (curtsies): "Good." 
Susan: "Sorry I'm late." 
Lynette: "You should never take this dress off for your entire life!" 
Susan: "Really? I look okay?" 
Bree: "Oh, Susan, you look so gorgeous." (She turns to Edie.) "Doesn't she, Edie?" 
Edie: "Huh. It's a bit much." 
Bree: "Gabrielle, you have to change the lineup. Susan has to go last. Nothing is going to top this." 
Susan: "Oh no, isn't Helen Rowland going last?" 
Lynette: "Oh, she never showed up, somebody's got to take her place." 
Gabrielle: "You know, I think that's a great idea! Okay, let's go!"
(The others walk away and Gabrielle steps up to Susan.) 
Gabrielle: "You really do look fantastic."
(Gabrielle smiles at Susan, almost painfully. Susan walks away without saying a word.) 
Tom: "Next up, we have Mrs. Bree Van de Kamp in a pink party dress with laser-cut full skirt and silk belt. And here is another exquisite ball gown by Halston, modeled by the devastatingly sexy Lynette Scavo. Notice the fine detail, the clean lines. The dress is nice too. Next up, please welcome Edie..."
(Cheers and whistles from the crowd as Tom falters.) 
Tom: "...Brit. Edie Britt!"
(Helen walks in and hands her dress to a young man in a black T-shirt.) 
Helen: "Please tell Gabrielle I'm sorry I backed out of the show. I'm just not in a very festive mood right now." 
Susan: "Helen, Helen, you're here! Did they tell you about the change in lineup? I'm going to go last if that's okay." 
Helen: "There's a special place in hell for people like you." 
Susan: "I'm sorry, it wasn't my decision."
(Helen slaps Susan hard.) 
Helen: "You're an adult, take some responsibility!" 
Susan: "What is wrong with you?"
(Helen shoves Susan backwards.) 
(On the runway, Edie steps forward provocatively, and eases out of the long black jacket she was wearing, revealing that the dress she's wearing doesn't cover much.) 
Tom: "Edie is wearing a dignified classic, perfect for a Sunday tea or Christenings."
(The catfight continues backstage.) 
Susan: "Oh! Ow! For God's sake, Helen, this is for charity!"
(On stage, Edie turns around and begins walking back.) 
Tom: "Edie Brit, everyone!"
(Backstage, Helen reaches down and rips off the bottom of Susan's dress.) 
Helen: "Keep your hands off my son!" 
Susan: "What?"
(On stage...) 
Tom: "And, uh, finally, to cap off our evening..." 
(A guy in a black t-shirt approaches Susan.) 
Guy: "Come on, you're up."
(He drags Susan to where she has to make her entrance.) 
Susan: "I thought that..."
Tom: "...please welcome, Susan Mayer!"
(Susan is pushed into the spotlight. She cowers, her hands on her thighs, leaning forward ungainly.) 
(All the ladies stare. Edie chuckles quietly.) 
Gabrielle: "Tom, say something!" 
Tom (looks at his note cards): "A vision in white silk, chiffon..."
(Susan takes small steps forward, her hands gathering the dangling part of her dress to cover her thighs. Her right shoe dangles awkwardly.) 
Tom: "...with gold, hand-painted French lace, and lavender..."
(Susan attempts a small smile as her friends start the applause, and the audience kindly joins in.) 
Tom: "Susan Mayer."
(Then Susan turns and hurries out.) 
Edie: "She's never looked better!"
(She laughs.) 
(Backstage, a very quiet Susan is putting her clothing back on.) 
Gabrielle: "Susan, I feel awful about what happened. Susan, talk to me!" 
Susan: "Okay, you want me to talk? You're going to find Helen Rowland, and you're going to tell her the truth, before everyone in this neighborhood thinks that I'm the one sleeping with an underage boy." 
Gabrielle: "I can't do that!" 
Susan: "Why not?" 
Gabrielle: "Because she'll tell Carlos, and he'll divorce me!" 
Susan: "So what? You obviously don't love him." 
Gabrielle: "I do love him! I do! It's just complicated! You know, there's, there's got to be another way to fix this." 
Susan: "God, you are so weak!"
(Susan turns to leave.) 
Gabrielle: "Susan, don't be like this!" 
Susan: "What did you expect-a hug?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Outside Alexis' House]
(Lynette walks to the house where Claire told her to be. The house has a lot of toys in the front. Claire comes running out the front door.) 
Lynette: "Hey." 
Claire: "Shhh." 
Lynette: "...I took..." 
Claire: "Alexis is still here." 
Lynette: "What?" 
Claire: "She was supposed to go to Pilates, but she got her period. You've got to go." 
Lynette: "Just give me a second." 
Claire: "No, she saw you at the park. okay? She knows what you're trying to do. You're not the first person to approach me." 
Alexis: "Claire!" 
Lynette: "How can you stay here after the way she treats you?" 
Claire: "She can be tough, but it comes with the territory, right?" 
Lynette: "I would never treat you that way." 
Alexis: "Claire, what did you do with the aspirin?" 
Lynette: "I will give you a 20% bump on what she is paying you, plus overtime." 
Alexis" "Damn it, Claire, where the hell are you?" 
Claire: "I don't take orders from your friends, I'm not a telephone answering service, and I don't do laundry." 
Lynette: "Dishes?" 
Claire: "Only the kids'." 
Lynette: "How fast can you pack?"
(They shake on it. Claire goes back inside and Lynette runs back to her van, doing a little dance as she does so.) 
Lynette: "I've got a nanny..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Susan's House]
(Julie empties out a wooden chest on her bed. Dollars and coins fall out.) 
Julie: "Where are you gonna go?" 
Zach: "I don't know. But I can't go home." 
Julie: "Are you afraid of your dad?" 
Zach: "No, it's not him, all right? It's, it's me. My life is really messed up. It's bad." 
Julie: "What's bad? You can tell me."
(She puts her hand on his arm and he flinches away.) 
Zach: "No, I can't! It's better that you don't know."
(Julie walks to her dresser and removes the blanket with the word "Dana" on it. She shows it to him.) 
Julie: "I already know a little."
(She hands the blanket to Zach. He touches the blanket, looking at the word "Dana." and starts to tear up.)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Outside Bree's House]
(Bree walks outside to meet her daughter, who's coming up the walk.) 
Bree: "Hi, Danielle, how was school?" 
Danielle. "It was okay." 
Bree: "Good. Where does Andrew keep his marijuana?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Locker Room]
(Bree is in the boy's locker room adjacent to the pool. She walks up to a locker and looks at a laminated list she's holding. It reads "Numbers of Relevance" and includes both Andrew's and Danielle's school locker combinations. She opens his locker. 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Bree had resorted to extreme measures to save her son's soul. As she rummaged through Andrew's private possessions..."
(Bree finds the marijuana stuffed into a sock. She puts it in her purse.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...it occurred to her that sometimes a little betrayal is good for the soul."
(Bree puts the marijuana back where she found it.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Susan's House]
(Julie and Zach sit by her bed in her room.) 
Zach: "I was really young, like four. I heard my mom and my dad yelling. I heard them yell my name and hers." 
Julie: "Dana?" 
Zach: "Um hm. So I went down to the room, and I saw them cleaning it up." 
Julie: "Cleaning what up?" 
Zach: "Blood." 
Julie: "Was it Dana's?" 
Zach: "I think so. I couldn't remember this for the longest time. And then my mom killed herself and I started having these dreams. I don't even see Dana. I just, I see, I see the blood, and my mom picking me up, and putting, putting me on the bed, and whispering that it's not my fault. But after that, every time I'd say her name, they'd get upset. I wasn't even allowed to say it anymore." 
Julie: "I'm not sure I understand what you're saying." 
Zach: "I killed my baby sister." 
Julie: "Zach. Oh my god." 
Zach: "And they buried her. To protect me."
(Julie leans forward and hugs Zach. And then he leans forward and kisses her lightly on the lips.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Helen Rowland's House]
(Gabrielle parks her car across from the house and walks up to Helen, who's just come outside.) 
Gabrielle: "Helen! Do you have a minute?" 
Helen: "Oh, Gabrielle, I didn't get a chance to tell you how sorry I was about what happened at the fund-raiser. I didn't intend to cause a scene." 
Gabrielle: "No, it's okay, people didn't even notice." 
Helen: "Well, this is a little awkward. I know you are friends with Susan Mayer. But let's just say. I had my reasons." 
Gabrielle: "It wasn't Susan. It was me." 
Helen: "What?" 
Gabrielle: "I'm the one who was sleeping with your son. I'm so sorry." 
Helen: "For how long?" 
Gabrielle: "Almost a year. But it's over now." 
Helen: "So, when it started, he was sixteen?" 
Gabrielle: "I think..."
(Helen reaches into her mail box and takes out the mail.) 
Gabrielle: "But Helen, you have to believe me. It's over now." 
Helen: "No, you're wrong. it's not even close to being over."
(She turns away and walks back up to her door.) 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[School]
Andrew's friend: "Dude, coach wants to see you." 
Andrew: "Really? Hey, I bet it's about my scholarship."
(Andrew walks into the locker room. His locker is open, with the coach standing next to it. The bag of marijuana is in plain sight. The coach takes it out and waves it in front of Andrew's face.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bree's House]
(Bree's arranging flowers when the phone rings.) 
Bree: "Hello? Yes, this is she... Marijuana in his locker? Oh, I'm just...horrified. There must be some sort of terrible mistake. Um, yeah, okay. Well, I will be right down."
(Bree finishes arranging the flowers and smiles.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Lender's Shop]
(A man sands down a box.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Elsewhere, another darker secret was the object of an investigation."
(A man in a dark suit walks in.) 
Detective Beckerman (shouting): "Mr. Lender! Mr. Lender!" 
Mr. Lender: "Huh?"
(He turns off the saw and turns around.) 
Detective Beckerman: "Detective Beckerman. This is Detective Burnett. We were hoping for a minute of your time."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Nighttime; Outside Susan's House]
(Susan walks up to her house. She sees Paul talking to Julie and she walks hurriedly up to them.) 
Paul: "...if you know anything about Zach's whereabouts, you need to tell me now." 
Susan: "Honey, what's going on?" 
Paul: "Zach's gone from Silvercrest. They found letters in his room. Letters from Julie." 
Susan: "Well, yes, they were writing to each other." 
Paul: "I need to see those letters." 
Julie: "Mom, they're private." 
Paul: "My son is missing." 
Susan: "Julie, in the letters, did Zach say anything about running away?" 
Julie: "No." 
Susan: "There's your answer." 
Paul: "Susan." 
Susan: "If we hear anything, I will let you know right away. I understand how worried you must be." 
Paul: "Obviously you don't." 
Susan: "Paul, my daughter doesn't lie."
(Paul walks away and Susan rubs Julie's hand reassuringly. Julie looks at her, worried.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Detective's Office]
(Mr. Lender looks through photos of the recovered box Paul threw into the river.) 
Mr. Lender: "This is a very popular design. I must have sold several hundred of these just like it, about ten years back." 
Detective Beckerman: "You keep any kind of documentation?" 
Mr. Lender: "Yeah, I have a list of customers names on file. Somewhere. It's been a while." 
Detective Burnett: "We'll need a copy of that list." 
Mr. Lender: "Oh, sure. Wow, this chest looks like it's been through hell." 
Detective Beckerman: "Yeah, we pulled it out of Rockwater Lake. You could say 'by way of hell', considering." 
Mr. Lender: "Was there anything in the chest?" 
Detective Burnett: "It had a body inside. Adult female." 
Mr. Lender: "Yeah, but how do you fit a body into a chest that size?" 
Detective Beckerman: "It was chopped up."
(He walks away from a wall where many photographs are of the box and its contents. As the camera pulls away, gruesome forensic pictures of chopped up bones, both stuffed in the box, and laid out on a table, are seen in the photos.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bree's House]
(Bree gets dinner on the table while Rex berates Andrew.) 
Rex: "Of all the stupid, boneheaded decisions. What were you thinking?" 
Andrew: "I was set up. All right? The coach got an anonymous phone call." 
Rex: "Andrew, what does it matter. The pot was there!" 
Andrew: "I was holding it for a friend!" 
Rex: "You know, I can't decide which is more humiliating. The fact that my son got caught with pot in his locker, or that he can't even come up with a decent enough lie to explain it!"
(He walks away. Andrew shakes his head and goes to look at his mother. Bree, setting the table, looks back. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Susan's House]
(Carlos is going through papers.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Gabrielle believed there was an excellent chance Helen Rowland would inform Carlos of his wife's extramarital activities. Gabrielle knew she had to come clean."
Gabrielle: "Carlos." 
Carlos: "Yeah."
Mary Alice Voiceover:"But coming clean..."
Gabrielle: "I uh."
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...was not one of Gabrielle's specialties."
Gabrielle: "I'm going to bed." 
Carlos: "Thanks for the news flash."
(Gabrielle sees police cars pull up in front of the house, lights flashing.) 
(She gasps.) 
Gabrielle (quietly): "She turned me in."
(She rushes back to her husband and falls on her knees in front of him.) 
Gabrielle: "Carlos! Carlos! I am so sorry! I am so sorry!" 
Carlos: "Sorry for what?" 
Gabrielle: "Just know that whatever happens, I love you very, very much!"
(Knocking is heard on the door.) 
FBI: "FBI, open the door."
(Knocking is again heard on the door.) 
Carlos: "Oh my God..." 
FBI: "FBI, if you do not open the door, I am authorized to enter the premises by use of force."
(Carlos opens the door.) 
FBI: "Carlos Solis, I have a warrant for your arrest. You have the right to remain silent." 
Gabrielle: "Huh?" 
FBI: "Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law." 
Carlos: "Call our lawyer." 
FBI: "You have the right to speak with an attorney, or have an attorney present during questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be appointed for you at government expense."
(One of the FBI men hands Gabrielle a piece of paper.) 
Gabrielle: "Carlos, wait!" 
Carlos: "Gabrielle, this will all be taken care of, I promise. I'm innocent, I swear to God. It was Tanaka. He set me up."
(He's put into the back of the police car and is driven off.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"People are complicated creatures. On the one hand, able to perform great acts of charity."
(Remnants of the fashion show are swept up.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"On the other, capable of the most underhanded forms of betrayal."
(Carlos sits quietly in a jail cell.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"It's a constant battle that ranges within all of us, between the better angels of our nature, and the temptation of our inner demons."

(Bree walks down the hallway, holding laundry. She comes to Andrew's room, where she stops to look in. Andrew is sitting on his bed, crushing out in an ashtray something he was smoking. He gets off the bed and closes the door in Bree's face.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"And sometimes the only way to ward off the darkness..."
(Julie, lying on her bed, looks down at Zach, who's sleeping on the floor.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...is to shine the light of compassion."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Outside Gabrielle's House]
(Gabrielle is sitting quietly on her front porch. Susan comes up to her and sits down.) 
Gabrielle: "They took him away in handcuffs."
(Susan puts her arm around Gabrielle, trying to soothe her.) 
~ The End ~




Desperate Housewives 
1x10 - Come Back To Me
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on "desperate housewives"...
Paul:Zach's gone from Silvercrest.
Julie:Hungry?
Mary Alice Voiceover:Sometimes...
Lynette:If I don't get some help, I will lose my mind.Where can I score some high-grade nanny?
Mary Alice Voiceover:No matter how hard you try...
FBI:FBI. Open the door.Carlos Solis, I have a warrant for your arrest.
Mary Alice Voiceover:Some problems...
Maisy:I-I'm sorry. And you are?
Bree:I take it you've met Maisy Gibbons.
Lynette:She's a total nightmare.
Bree:Maisy does love to rule her little kingdom.
Bree:You are unhappy with our sex life.You're not getting something from me,but you're simply too afraid to ask.
Mary Alice Voiceover:...can't be easily solved.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Maisy Gibbons's House]
(A hand picks up a hairbrush. The camera pans up to show that Maisy Gibbons is sitting in front of a mirror, brushing her hair.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"To understand Maisy Gibbons, you first need to know how she spent her afternoons."
(Maisy drives by in a BMW SUV, waving to Susan and Bree, who are standing outside, talking. They wave back.) 
"Mary Alice Voiceover:Her mornings were spent running errands for her husband. Her evenings were spent washing dishes and helping with homework."
(Maisy, with rubber gloves on, loads the dishwasher, then walks over to the kitchen table, where her young daughter is doing homework.) 
Maisy: "Okay, so nine plus one is..."
Mary Alice Voiceover:"But her afternoons, well, they were spent in the company of men."
(While Mary Alice speaks, Maisy is shown opening up her front door on various days, smiling beautifully as she welcomes all types of men into her home.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Frustrated. Misunderstood. Lonely men. Willing to pay money to feel a little less lonely. And Maisy Gibbons was willing to help them."
(Maisy turns from her mirror as one of her customers speaks as he finishes getting dressed. She begins making the bed.) 
Customer: "Maisy, I've always wondered, Nobody knows about your little hobby, do they?" 
Maisy: "Mm-mm." 
Customer: "Is it hard? Keeping a secret like this?" 
Maisy: "Well, maybe if it was just my secret. But the way I see it, I keep the secrets of every man who comes to me. And I find that absolutely exhilarating. A few years back, Harold lost his job, and we had to give up our membership at the country club. And then one day one of my club friends asked why she hadn't seen me around lately, and I told her that we couldn't afford it anymore. She waved it off like it was nothing. But I saw her...get that look in her eye, that look of...pity." 
Customer: "Maybe she was just trying to be nice. Anyway, is that so bad, feeling sorry for someone?" 
Maisy: "When they say something, they are being supportive. But when they say nothing, it's because they think that you're so far gone you're never coming back." 
Customer: "Gotcha." 
Maisy: "Anyway, a couple of months later, I started my little hobby...and the most wonderful thing happened. This woman's husband became one of my regulars." 
Customer: "Wow."
(The doorbell rings.) 
Maisy: "Oh, would you be a lamb and go out the back? It's my next appointment." 
Customer: "Sure." 
Maisy: "It's the husband of the woman I was telling you about."
(Maisy opens up the front door, smiling.) 
Maisy: "Hello there." 
Rex: "Hey, Maisy."
(He steps inside, kissing her on her cheek as she closes the front door.) 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Credits
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Courtroom]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Every morality play has its cast of characters. There is always an innocent victim..."
(Gabrielle sits in the courtroom, looking worried.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...a deceitful villain..."
(Carlos, in an orange jail outfit, sits at a table with his lawyer.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...a prosecutor who seeks the truth..."
(A no-nonsense woman in a business suit sits at the other table in the courtroom, an open laptop in front of her.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...a magistrate that dispenses justice..."
(The judge, Judge Sullivan, takes a file someone hands her.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...and a lawyer who charges too much."
(Carlos's lawyer looks through some papers in front of him.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"This morality play was being produced at the Fairview County Courthouse. Its themes were trust and betrayal."
Judge Sullivan: "So, what's your issue with bail in this case, Ms. McCready? 
Ms. McCready: "We want bail denied, your honor. The defendant's company imported goods manufactured by slave labor, and his business partner, Mr. Tenaka, has already fled the country. And Mr. Solis, himself, has refused to surrender his passport." 
Judge Sullivan: "Dog ate your client's passport, Mr. Hartley?" 
Mr. Hartley: "It's been temporarily misplaced, your honor, but we maintain that Akisha Tenaka set up and executed the entire operation. Mr. Solis is no business partner, but merely a hired contractor. And I'd also like to point out that my client is the sole provider of his wife, and his mother, who is hospitalized in a coma as we speak." 
Judge Sullivan: "Bring me the passport, and Mr. Solis can visit his mother. Until then, your client is denied bail and remanded. What's next?"
(She bangs down her gavel, and Carlos is escorted from the courtroom by a bailiff. He looks at Gabrielle as he leaves. Gabrielle hangs her head.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Lynette's House]
Lynette: "You better finish those brussel sprouts. And don't think I can't see them hidden under your macaroni." 
Twin: "I hate brussel sprouts." 
Lynette: "Yeah? Well, brussel sprouts help you grow. You don't want to be short your whole life, do you? Here, look, you know what we'll do? We're gonna dip them in a little cheese. Here you go. Good, yummy!"
(He spits it out.) 
(The boys get up from the table to run off.) 
Lynette: "Fine, fine. Be three-foot-eight the rest of your life. See if I care. Good luck finding girlfriends!"
(Claire walks in.) 
Claire: "Hey, didn't you have a lunch today?" 
Lynette: "I'm going to cancel it. The boys are in rare form, and you're still finding your way." 
Claire: "Lynette. It's been two days." 
Lynette: "I...don't want to...shock them, by suddenly disappearing. You know? Deep down, they're very sensitive."
(The two of them look at the boys who are ignoring the women as they throw their toys around.) 
Claire: "They'll be fine. Now go. Get out of here." 
Lynette: "You have my cell phone number. You call me if you need anything." 
Claire: "I will." 
Lynette: "Okay. You boys. Come here and give mamma a three-bear hug."
(They come running.) 
Lynette: "Come on, one, two, three, get in, get in!" 
Bear 1: "Bye, mom!" 
Bear 2: "Bye, mom!" 
Bear 3: "Bye!" 
Lynette: "Okay."
(She leaves.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Susan's House]
(Julie spoons Chinese food from a take-out container onto a plate. Off-camera, Mike and Susan can be heard flirting.) 
Mike: "Just, watch your hands..." 
Julie: "Um, I'm going to eat upstairs. I've got a ton of homework." 
Susan: "What are you, storing up for winter?" 
Julie: "I'm just...really hungry. Oh, I talked to Dad today, and apparently, he and Brandi might break up." 
Susan: "Oh, how awful!" 
Julie: "Mom, you're smiling." 
Susan: "Am I? Hmm." 
Julie: "Anyway, because of all the drama, he can't take me this weekend, so...I'll be home after all. Good night!"
(She runs upstairs with her food, leaving Mike and Susan alone.) 
Susan: "Oh great, our romantic weekend is off." 
Mike: "We could move it to my house." 
Susan: "No." 
Mike: "Why not?" 
Susan: "I just, I just want it to be special." 
Mike: "And it can't be special at my house." 
Susan: "Okay. I know this sounds weird, but I just need to have my things around me." 
Mike: "What things?" 
Susan: "Perfumes and oils. And I want to pick out the outfit that you are going to tear off me. And plus, I need to be in complete control of the lighting." 
Mike: "Okay, we'll wait until next weekend." 
Susan: "You are just the sweetest guy."
(She leans over to kiss him, and they end up kissing for a long, extended time.) 
Mike: "I can't wait 'til next weekend." 
Susan: "No, me neither." 
Mike: "What about tomorrow when Julie's at school? I've got an early job and that's it." 
Susan: "Oh, no good. My publisher's got me under the gun for something. What about Friday?" 
Mike: "Mmm. I'm repiping the house." 
Susan: "Damn, Karl, I'm not even married to him anymore and he's still keeping me from having sex."
(She stabs her food with her fork.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Julie's Room]
(Zach eats the food Julie brought him.) 
Julie: "I can't hide you in my room forever, and I think we need to tell my mom. You can trust her, I promise." 
Zach: "You didn't tell her what I told you, did you?" 
Julie: "No! No, no. I would never tell anyone that."
(Zach gets up.) 
Julie: "What are you doing? 
Zach: "I don't want to cause problems for you. I'm just, I'm just going to go." 
Julie: "Zach, stop. Don't go. I won't tell her." 
Zach: "I swear, I'll be out of here soon. I'll think of something, okay?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bree's House]
(Bree is playing solitaire, dressed for bed. Rex comes into the house.) 
Bree: "Hello." 
Rex: "Why are you up?" 
Bree: "I could ask you the same question." 
Rex: "I'm going to bed. I didn't ask you to wait up for me. Remember, I'm here as our children's father, not your husband."
(Bree picks up the jacket he just took off, and sniffs the collar.) 
Rex: "What are you doing?" 
Bree: "Were you with a woman? Did you tell her that you have a wife, or does that hinder your pick-up style?" 
Rex: "All right. Even if I was seeing someone, I have every right to. Exploring options is the whole point of being separated!" 
Bree: "Options! I'm not a mutual fund, Rex!" 
Rex: "Oh, that's not...Bree, you should get out there. Try and meet someone." 
Bree: "Meet someone. I'm raising your children." 
Rex: "I am just trying to move on with my life. It is nothing to be ashamed of!" 
Bree: "Oh, okay. I tell you what then. Why don't you just call up your mystery woman and invite her over. I'll pull out the sofa bed and you can take her right there. Andrew! Danielle! Daddy's gonna fornicate for us!" 
Rex: "Keep your voice down." 
Bree: "Why, are you feeling ashamed?"
(She pushes past him.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Outside Mrs. Huber's House]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"The next morning started with a banging."
(Edie stands on Mrs. Huber's porch, banging loudly on the door.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"No one knew where Martha Huber was, and Edie Britt was starting to worry. Edie didn't like worrying. She felt it gave her wrinkles. So, out of concern for her face and Mrs. Huber, Edie decided to find out what was going on."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Gabrielle's House]
Gabrielle rifles quickly through a drawer with papers in it. Finding nothing important, she closes the drawer and finds Yao Lin.) 
Gabrielle: "Yao Lin, listen to me. It's very important that we find Carlos' passport. I've already looked through his office, so I need you to search the bedroom."
(Yao Lin stares at Gabrielle.) 
Gabrielle: "What?" 
Yao Lin: "With Mr. Solis in jail, how are you going to pay me? I have children." 
Gabrielle: "Yao Lin, your kids are in their twenties. If it'll make you shut up..."
(Gabrielle writes a check.) 
Gabrielle: "Here. Three weeks in advance." 
Yao Lin: "If you don't mind, can I call your bank?" 
Gabrielle: "Yao Lin, don't be stupid. People don't become poor overnight."
(Gabrielle looks out the window where a tow truck is hooking her car up to be towed.) 
Gabrielle: "Huh? That's my car! Oh my god!"
(Gabrielle runs outside.) 
Gabrielle: "Hey! Hey! What are you doing? Where are you taking my car?" 

Tow guy: "The government is impounding it. Here's your receipt. Call that number if you have any questions."
(He drives off. Gabrielle watches it leave and notices some neighbors watching.) 
Gabrielle: "You call this a paint job?! I don't want to see it again until it's perfect!"
(She glances quickly at the couple watching her and then storms into the house.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bree's House]
(Bree irons shirts while Lynette sits nearby.) 
Lynette: "I wonder what's going on over there. I mean, Claire did okay with the kids yesterday, but that could have been beginner's luck. Do you think I should call? I should call!" 
Bree: "Lynette, for the first time in years you finally have some free time, and you're wasting it obsessing about the kids." 
Lynette: "It's just, I don't know this woman, I mean, not really. So she has a degree in sociology. Well, big deal, who doesn't? My boys are a lot to handle. What if she's not up to it?" 
Bree: "You know, if you really have that many doubts, you should go buy a hidden camera." 
Lynette (laughing): "What, a nanny cam?" 
Bree: "Yeah. People do terrible things when they think no one is watching them." 
Lynette: "Yeah. I don't really think I could videotape Claire. It would be a breach of trust." 
Bree: "Trust is overrated." 
Lynette: "So, how are things with you and Rex?" 
Bree: "Fine. Why do you ask?" 
Lynette: "Well, I'm just curious. I mean, he moves out, he moves back in. Is he back for good?" 
Bree: "Uh, the situation is, um, fluid. I'm not certain what his plans are yet." 
Lynette: "So if you're not sure he's back for good, why are you ironing his shirts?" 
Bree: "Because I have faith that he'll come back. And that he'll do the right thing." 
Lynette: "That's good. It's good to have faith in people." 
Bree: "Yeah. But I['d still buy that camera."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Susan's House]
(Susan licks an envelope and then sees Mike's truck drive by. She gets up and watches him park in his driveway, then go into his house. She smiles.) 
(Later, dressed in lingerie, Susan calls Mike on the phone.) 
Mike: "Hello." 
Susan: "Mike." 
Mike: "Yeah." 
Susan: "My oven's out. 
Mike: "Uh huh." 
Susan: ''Come over and help my find my pilot light."
(She hangs up, then turns on the stereo to the song "Here I Am (Come And Take Me)". As she gets ready for Mike to come over by throwing rose petals on the bed and floor, she sings along, dancing as she sings.) 
Susan: "Oh, candles, candles!"
(She goes into Julie's room and grabs some scented candles. As she dances her way out, Zach hides behind the door, unseen by Susan.) 
(Mike heads out of his house, heading towards Susan's.) 
(Zach walks down the hallway, but the floor beneath him creaks. Susan hears it.) 
Susan: "Mike? Mike, is that you? I'm up here!"
(Susan gets on the bed and positions herself.) 
(Mike gets to Susan's house and finds a note taped to the front door reading "Come on in! ? ") 
(He smiles and opens the door. Zach, who had just been heading down the stairs, quickly heads back upstairs. When he gets to Susan's open door, he pauses, and the floor beneath him creaks again.) 
Susan: "Mike?"
(Nobody answers, so Susan gets off her bed and quietly goes across her room. Zach creeps back down the hallway. Susan removes a thigh master from her closet and creeps toward her door.) 
(Zach hides behind a door and Susan comes out of her room, swinging the thigh master furiously, and hitting Mike, who falls backwards.) 
Susan: "Oh my god!" 
Mike: "What the hell!" 
Susan: "I'm so sorry, I thought there was someone in the house." 
Mike: "So you took your clothes off?" 
Susan: "No. My clothes were already off. I was going to seduce you." 
Mike: "It didn't really work." 
Susan: "Oh, I'm sorry, are you okay?"
(She begins kissing his face.) 
Mike: "Oh..."
(When he stops responding, Susan realizes that he's looking past her. She turns around and sees Zach in the doorway, looking at them.) 
Zach: "Please don't be mad."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Susan's House, Later]
(Julie comes home from school.) 
Julie: "Hey, there!"
(She notices Zach sitting at the kitchen table with Susan and Mike standing by it.) 
Julie: "Zach, what are you doing here?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Lynette's House]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Later that day, while Claire was out getting the boys wired on ice cream, Lynette did some wiring of her own."
(Lynette sets up a hidden camera in a big ceramic Mr. Toad. She holds it up to eye-level and smiles. She then places it on the refrigerator. She goes over to a small TV on the counter and turns it on. The image from the camera is shown on the TV.) 
(Lynette takes a teddy bear and stands in front of the camera, but watches herself on the TV. Gently, she cradles the teddy bear like a baby. Then, holding it at arm's length, she shakes the bear. Then she slaps the bear several times across the face. Then she throws it off to the side, looks directly at the camera, and shrugs, satisfied.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Susan's House]
Julie: "No, you can't do this, you can't send Zach back!" 
Susan: "Julie, what else can I do? He can't stay here!" 
Julie: "His father sent him to a psycho ward!" 
Zach: "Actually, they call it a rehabilitation center." 
Susan (to Mike): "What do you think?" 
Mike: "Paul is his father. He has a right to know his son's okay. And, he finds out you're hiding him, you'll get in a lot of trouble." 
Susan: "He's right. Sorry, guys!" 
Julie: "Mom, please don't do this! If you knew what Zach had been through-" 
Zach: "Julie! Julie. It's okay. I'll be fine."
(They hug.) 
Mike: "I'll, uh, take him back over so you two can..." 
Susan: "Listen, if Paul sees Zach and freaks out..." 
Mike: "I'll bring him right back." 
Susan: "Thank you."
(Mike and Zach leave.) 
Susan: "Young lady, we need to talk about what you did." 
Julie: "I really don't feel like talking to you right now."
(She runs up the stairs.) 
(Outside, Mike and Zach walk to Paul's house.) 
Mike: "Uh, listen, Zach. If things ever get really bad..." (hands Zach his business card) "It's got my cell number on it. Give me a call. Any time." 
Zach: "Thanks!"
(He stays on the sidewalk as Mike goes up to the door and knocks. Paul opens the door and sees Zach.) 
Paul: "Oh, thank god."
(He hugs Zach, then turns to Mike.) 
Paul: "How did you-" 
Mike: "We'll talk later." (to Zach) "Remember, any time."
(He walks off and Zach and Paul go back inside.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Maisy's House]
(Maisy slowly removes various sexual toys from her drawer. Behind her, sitting in a chair, with his back to her, sits Rex, naked.) 
Maisy: "I heard you moved back home." 
Rex: "Yeah, I had to. We had some problems with Andrew. I'll move out eventually." 
Maisy: "Spikes or pearls?" 
Rex: "Your choice."
(Maisy puts on the pearl collar.) 
Maisy: "You know what I think?" 
Rex: "Hmmm?" 
Maisy: "You don't really want to leave her." 
Rex: "Please don't psychoanalyze me." 
Maisy: "You're still in love with her." 
Rex: "I never said I wasn't." 
Maisy: "Then why divorce?" 
Rex: "Oh, so now you're rooting for us two crazy kids to work-"
(He turns slightly in his chair to look at her, and she pounds her fist on the dresser. Properly rebuffed, he turns back to his original position.) 
Maisy: "Hey! You know me. I'm just a romantic at heart. Scarves or cuffs?" 
Rex: "Up to you. Even if I could find a way to deal with Bree's whole obsessive compulsive thing, it's not the only problem in our marriage. As you know, I have certain needs." 
Maisy: "Boots or stilettos." 
Rex: "Stilettos, please." 
Maisy: "Why don't you just tell Bree what you need? Tell her what you want." 
Rex: "Because she'd say no." 
Maisy: "So? I've said no to some things you've asked me to do." 
Rex: "Yeah, that's different. I don't care if you reject me."
(Maisy snaps her fingers and Rex drops to the floor, face down.) 
Maisy: "Rex, won't you trust me on this? Sometimes, when you love somebody, you just got to make sacrifices for them." 
Rex: "Love or passion? It's an awful choice to make." 
Maisy: "Yes, it is. And I have to warn you. This might hurt a little bit."
(She steps onto his back, wearing the stilettos, and walks slowly on him.) 
(Rex groans as she walks.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Gabrielle's House]
(Gabrielle takes the receipt the tow-truck man gave her and slaps it to Carlos's lawyer's chest.) 
Gabrielle: "How am I supposed to live without a car?" 
Lawyer: "Gabrielle, listen. Tanaka is still at large, and they're going to want Carlos to flip on him, so this is their way of playing hardball. Now, I'm guessing that they've not done yet." 
Gabrielle: "Why? What else could they take from us?" 
Lawyer: "Pretty much anything. It's all fair game if they even think they can trace it to ill-gotten gains." 
Gabrielle: "No, no, no. No! Some of this stuff is mine. When I modeled. Before I even met Carlos! See this, costa boda, bought it when I landed my first cover. This, I spent eight hours on a rock in a bikini for that painting!" 
Lawyer: "I understand how you feel." 
Gabrielle: "No, you don't understand. I have dug myself up from dirt to afford these things, and no one is going to take them away from me!" 
Lawyer: "Then I suggest you find yourself a good hiding place. They can't take what they can't find. Oh, and if you could scare up that passport too, that would be good!"
(He leaves.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bree's House]
(Bree's doorbell rings. She answers the door to see Gabrielle outside.) 
Bree: "Oh, hi Gabrielle! What have you got there?" 
Gabrielle: "My china. I know how you've always loved it, and I thought you might want to borrow it for a while."
(She takes the box she's holding and hands it over to Bree.) 
Bree: "Oh! Well, that's um, very thoughtful of you." 
Gabrielle: "Say, um, could I store some odds and ends in your garage?" 
Bree: "Sure! Why don't you, uh, come by tomorrow?" 
Gabrielle: "Sooner is better than later!"
(She rushes off, leaving Bree holding the china.) 
(For the next while, Gabrielle transfers everything of value from her place to Bree's. When she's done, Bree comes over and stands with Gabrielle to look at the garage, which is completely filled now with Gabrielle's belongings.) 
(Gabrielle smiles at Bree, who smiles back, but she clearly doesn't know what to say.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Maisy's House]
(Rex and Maisy are in the throws of passionate love-making, when suddenly Rex begins to make a weird noise.) 
Maisy: "Rex? Rex? Rex!"
(With one hand attached to Rex's via handcuffs, she tries to grab the phone, but she can't reach it. She quickly uses her other hand to make a call.) 
Maisy: "I need an ambulance. Right away!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bree's House]
(Bree is in the garage, looking through Gabrielle's things, when the phone rings.) 
Bree: "Hello. This is she. Yes, he's my husband."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Hospital]
(Bree rushes up to a nurse's station.) 
Bree: "Um, excuse me, I'm here to see Rex Van de Kamp. Apparently, he had a heart attack. I'm not sure when - " 
Nurse: "He's being prepped for surgery right now. If you'd like to wait." 
Bree: "Could I at least poke my head in? I'm his wife." 
Nurse: "You're his wife?" 
Bree: "Yes. Why?" 
Nurse: "I was thinking of a different patient. Let me get the doctor."
(She walks off. Bree stares after her, then goes around the desk to look at the nurse's log. She sees Rex's name, then the person who signed Rex in: Maisy Gibbons.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Lynette's House]
(Claire pours some hot water into a cup of tea, then heads for the stairs, turning off the light in the kitchen.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"As Claire prepared for bed, she was unaware that somewhere else in the Scavo house, the day she had just finished, was starting all over again."
(Lynette watches the tape as she lies in bed. Throughout the day, Claire sang to the kids, played puppets with the kids, and made balloon animals. The kids love her.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Lynette was relieved to see that Claire was doing a good job. And after further viewing, it dawned on Lynette...Claire might be doing her job...a little too well."
(On the videotape, Claire is seen holding her arms out to the boys and saying) "Come give me a three-bear hug!" (The boys all run to hug her.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Susan's House]
(Susan comes down the stairs to where Julie is reading a book in the living room.) 
Susan: "Here's the candles I borrowed. Thanks." 
Julie: "I'm trying to read, so if you don't mind?" 
Susan: "I cannot believe that after everything you did, you're mad at me." 
Julie: "I told Zach that he could trust you, and you turned him in." 
Susan: "Yeah, well, someone had to be responsible, and like it or not, I've got a birth certificate that says I'm your mother." 
Julie: "Since when?" 
Susan: "What is that supposed to mean?" 
Julie: "Since dad left, if there's been a mother around here, it's been me!" 
Susan: "Julie!" 
Julie: "Do you remember after the divorce that you stayed in bed for a week, and I had to beg you to eat something?" 
Susan: "Yeah, but..." 
Julie: "And for weeks, I had to clean the house, I had to make sure that the bills were paid. I even had to schedule my own doctor's appointment once." 
Susan: "I was in bad shape back then." 
Julie: "It's still going on. And now that I need some support, you decide to play the mom card?" 
Susan: "I had to send Zach back. We could have gotten in a lot of trouble." 
Julie: "Yeah? Well, now Zach's the one who's in trouble. You sent him back to a man who hates him."
(She runs up the stairs.) 
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[Gabrielle's House]
(Gabrielle comes down the stairs of her house and looks around at the nearly-empty house.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"As Gabrielle considered the vast emptiness of her new surroundings, she was surprised to find there was only one thing she truly missed. Her husband."
(The doorbell rings. She goes to answer it.) 
FBI Agent: "Mrs. Solis, a warrant to enter your house and repossess any goods which we suspect may have been obtained..." (he looks around the empty house) "...illegally." 
Gabrielle: "We're not into clutter."
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[Lynette's House]
(Lynette sits on the couch with her three boys. She picks up a children's book from the coffee table and puts on her reading glasses.) 
Lynette: "All right. "Harvey: The Flying Turtle". Doesn't this look fun!" 
Porter: "Where's Claire?" 
Lynette: "I gave her the afternoon off. Who wants to turn pages?" 
Preston: "Is she sick?" 
Lynette: "No. She's fine. I just wanted us all to spend the day together, you know, like we used to. Here we go. Once upon a time there was a young turtle named Harvey. Every day Harvey would all tell the other turtles, "One day I'm going to fly off this island and go see the world." The other turtles laughed and said "Turtles can't fly." Oh, it's getting good now, huh?"
(She looks at her boys, who sit there sadly.) 
Lynette: "Well, what's wrong?" 
Porter: "When Claire reads, she does funny voices." 
Lynette: "Does she, now? Okay. Harvey didn't like the turtles laughing, so he told them," (speaking in a different voice) " I'll show you. One day I will fly higher than the birds!" 
Preston: "That's not funny." 
Lynette: "Yeah, well, I'm just warming up. Then Bruno, the big bad turtle took Harvey up on a cliff and threw him over, and he proclaimed," (speaking in a different voice) "We'll see if you can fly, fly or die, fly or die!" 
Parker: "When's Claire coming back?"
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[Prison]
(Gabrielle sits across a table from Carlos, who's in a bright orange prison uniform. Other inmates and their visitors sit at various other tables in the same room.) 
Carlos: "What happened to all your nails?" 
Gabrielle: "Oh, I, I moved all our stuff, to keep it from the feds." 
Carlos: "It kills me that I'm putting you through this."
(They clasp hands.) 
Guard: "Hands on the table."
(They unclasp hands and each lean back into their chairs.) 
Gabrielle: "It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. I'll take care of everything until you're back to do it yourself. And you will be soon." 
Carlos: "I got to be honest. I didn't know how you would hold up. I knew you were a strong woman, but I had no idea. You're a good wife, Gabby. A real partner." 
Gabrielle: "Oh, Carlos, I love you so much! I would give up a house full of expensive junk just to put this behind us, and have you home with me." 
Carlos: "That sounds pretty good right now."
(By this time, they're both leaning forward. Gabrielle calls out loudly to the guard.) 
Gabrielle: "I'm going to kiss my husband now!" 
Guard: "Hands on the table."
(They lean forward and begin kissing. After the first kiss, but still in the kissing position, Carlos begins speaking quietly.) 
Carlos: "There's a false panel on the back wall of the closet. My passport is there, along with some papers. Take the passport to the lawyer, and burn the papers."
(They break the kiss. Gabrielle looks at him with a puzzled expression. He motions with his head and puckers his lips so she'll kiss him again. She puts her lips against his.) 
Gabrielle: "Carlos, did you know what Tanaka was doing?" 
Carlos: "Just burn the papers."
(They break the kiss and Gabrielle stares at Carlos.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Outside Lynette's House]
(Lynette pulls into her driveway and Edie walks up to her.) 
Edie: "Hey Lynette, did Martha Huber happen to leave a spare key to her house with you?" 
Lynette: "No." 
Edie: "Oh!." 
Lynette: "Where is she, by the way? I haven't seen her in days." 
Edie: "You've got me. She kicked me out so fast that I forgot my laptop, and there's just some stuff on there that I don't want anyone else to see." 
Lynette: "Oh. Well. Good luck with that." 
Edie: "You know, you're not looking half bad. What have you done with that little posse of yours?" 
Lynette: "They're with the new nanny." 
Edie: "Wow! Your own personal nanny? Swell you!" 
Lynette: "Well, trust me, it's not all it's cracked up to be. You know, our mothers were smart. They didn't get us nannies or put us in day care, because they knew, if they did, we'd find out - there are other women out there who were better mothers than they were!" 
Edie: "You know, I had a nanny for a while, growing up. Mrs. Muntz." 
Lynette: "You had a nanny?" 
Edie: "Well, actually, she was more like a court-appointed social worker. My mom did a little time. She had a thing for bourbon and shoplifting." 
Lynette: "Oh! Sorry." 
Edie: "Oh, Muntz was a hardass. No mercy. In fact, she was such a disciplinarian, that when my mom made parole, I was actually happy to see her." 
Lynette: "Really." 
Edie: "Yeah. Lesser of two evils." 
Lynette: "Huh." 
Edie: "Anyway, I've got to find a key. See you later." 
Lynette: "Bye."
(Edie walks off.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Susan's House]
(Mike and Susan talk.) 
Susan: "Thanks for your help with Zach before." 
Mike: "Oh, it's my pleasure. I hope he comes out of this okay. He's a little squirrelly, but he seems like a good kid." 
Susan: "Yeah."
(He sits down at the kitchen table where Susan's sitting and hands her a cup of something to drink.) 
Mike: "So, how's Julie taking all of this?" 
Susan: "Not well. She accused me of not being a good mother." 
Mike: "You're a great mom." 
Susan: "Well, she was sort of right. After my divorce, I really leaned on her a lot." 
Mike: "Seems natural." 
Susan: "And I still kinda do it. I just want somebody to talk to about all my adult stuff, and she's right there, and she just acts so mature, I forget she's thirteen." 
Mike: "Well, the good news is that from now on, if you ever want to talk to somebody about grown-up stuff, you've got me." 
Susan: "Well, I can't talk to you about everything." 
Mike: "Oh?" 
Susan: "What if I want to talk about the big crush I have on the plumber that lives across the street?" 
Mike: "Big crush, huh?" 
Susan: "Oh, yeah." 
Mike: "Well, you'd have to tell me more." 
Susan: "Well, um, he's got a smile that's to die for, and don't get me started on his tattoo."
(She kisses his hand.) 
Susan: "Thanks."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Maisy's House]
(The doorbell rings. Maisy opens it to find Bree on the other side.) 
Maisy: "Oh, Bree. What a nice surprise. Would you like to come in?" 
Bree: "Well, that depends. Are you having an affair with my husband?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Paul's House]
(Paul and Zach sit at the dining room table, eating dinner. Zach picks at his food.) 
Paul: "Would you like some more potatoes?" 
Zach: "You already asked me that." 
Paul: "Sorry. I'm so relieved you're safe, I'm not thinking straight." 
Zach: "Does that mean you're not going to send me back to Silvercrest?" 
Paul: "You've got to understand. Your behavior, the violence, breaking into the Van de Kamps. I just didn't know what you were going through." 
Zach: "You could have asked me." 
Paul: "Well." 
Zach: "I've been remembering things. Things from when I was little." 
Paul: "What kind of things?" 
Zach: "Awful things." 
Paul: "Zach, listen to me. Sometimes it's not good to look back in the past." 
Zach: "But I can't help it. These images just keep popping into my head." 
Paul: "Well, then you've got to find a way to push them back out again." 
Zach: "Okay." 
Paul: "More potatoes?" 
Zach: "Yes, please." 
Paul: "It sure is nice to be back to normal."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Maisy's House]
(Bree and Maisy sit on opposite facing couches in Maisy's living room.) 
Maisy: "You should know that Rex still loves you very much." 
Bree: "He said that?" 
Maisy: "Yes." 
Bree: "Then why is he so unhappy?" 
Maisy: "He has certain needs and he's afraid to discuss them with you." 
Bree: "Needs. Like, sexual needs?" 
Maisy: "Yes." 
Bree: "And have you fulfilled those needs?"
(Maisy doesn't answer, but instead just smiles.) 

Bree: "I see." (stands up) "You know, you are pretty brazen for a woman who just admitted, however tacitly, that she just slept with my husband. If I told anyone in this neighborhood, they would never speak to you again." 
Maisy: "You're not going to tell a soul. Bree, you may hate me, but you'd hate the humiliation a lot more." 
Bree: "Oh, I don't hate you, Maisy. I pity you."
(She walks out.) 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Lynette's House]
Lynette: "Hi." 
Claire: "Oh, hey Lynette. You heading out now?" 
Lynette: "Yep. Um, I'll be home late, so just the usual routine. A nap for Penny, and-" 
Claire: "I know, no sugar after five. I got it." 
Lynette: "You're the best. Oh, one more thing. Since the boys are having corn dogs for dinner, I'd like you to make sure they get a vegetable to go with it."
(She goes to the freezer and pulls out a bag of frozen vegetables.) 
Claire: "Brussel sprouts?" 
Lynette: "They're full of iron. Could you make sure they clean their plates?" 
Claire: "Not a problem. I have this little trick I do. I cover the veggies with some cheese." 
Lynette: "You sly dog."
(She leaves.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:" That night, Lynette settled in to watch her personal pick for feel-good movie of the year."
(On the video...) 
Claire: "You guys, you need to eat your brussel sprouts." 
Angry voice: "Brussel spouts taste yucky!" 
Angry voice: "I don't want this!"
(The boys start throwing their food at Claire, who pleads with them to stop. Lynette, watching the tape while eating popcorn, smiles.) 
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[Hospital]
(Rex awakens and sees Bree standing at the window looking out.) 
Rex: "Hey." 
Bree: "Hey." 
Rex: "I guess they operated, huh?" 
Bree: "They sure did." 
Rex: "How'd it go?" 
Bree: "It went well. The surgeon says you're going to be as good as new." 
Rex: "You look like you've been crying." 
Bree: "I have. I was so afraid you were gonna die. There were so many things I haven't had a chance to tell you." 
Rex: "I'm sorry you were so worried." 
Bree: "That's okay. How are you now, Rex? Are you strong enough to listen to the things I need to tell you?" 
Rex: "Sure, hon."
(Bree sits on the edge of the bed and leans down so that she's near Rex's face.) 
Bree: "I know you still love me. Maisy told me." 
Rex: "She did?" 
Bree (whispering): "As of this moment, Rex, I am no longer your wife. I am going to go out, and find the most vindictive lawyer I can find, and together, we are going to eviscerate you. I'm going to take away your money, your family, and your dignity. Do you hear me?" 
Rex: "Bree-" 
Bree: "And I am so thrilled to know that you still love me. Because I want what's about to happen to you, to hurt as much is as humanly possible. I'm so glad you didn't die before I got a chance to tell you that."
(She leaves the room.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Gabrielle's House]
(Gabrielle opens the false panel Carlos told her about and finds the passport along with papers.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Trust is a fragile thing..."
(Gabrielle opens the passport and reads it.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Lynette's House]
Lynette: "Bye, guys!"
(The boys all call good-bye to her and Lynette leaves them with Claire.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Once earned, it affords us tremendous freedom."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Building]
(Bree walks down a hallway.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"But once trust is lost, it can be impossible to recover."
(Bree stops in front of a closed door. She takes a deep breath, and goes inside. She closes the door. On the glass reads "SOLOMON, MILLER & HAAS FAMILY LAW".) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Susan's House]
(Susan walks into Julie's room. Julie looks at her briefly, but then returns to reading without saying anything.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Of course the truth is, we never know who we can trust. Those we're closest to can betray us."
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[Outside Paul's House]
(Paul takes out the garbage, and looks over at Mrs. Huber's house, where Edie is standing next to a police officer who is banging on the door.) 
Officer: "Police, open up!"
Mary Alice Voiceover:"And total strangers can come to our rescue."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Gabrielle's House]
(Gabrielle sits on the edge of the bed, looking at a roaring fire in the fireplace.) 

Mary Alice Voiceover:"In the end, most people decide to trust only themselves. It really is the simplest way to keep from getting burned."
(Gabrielle throws Carlos' passport onto the fire, where it immediately starts to burn.) 
~ The End ~




Desperate Housewives 
1x11 - Move On
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on "desperate housewives"...
Rex:I am just trying to move on with my life.
Bree:Are you having an affair with my husband?
Mary Alice Voiceover:Suspicion ended in tragedy.
Bree:I'm here to see Rex Van De Kamp.Apparently, he had a heart attack.
Mary Alice Voiceover:Trust...
Carlos:It kills me that I'm putting you through this.
Mary Alice Voiceover:...was put on trial.
Judge Sullivan:Bring me the passport, and Mr. Solis can visit his mother.
Mary Alice Voiceover:And ex-husband...
Susan:You walked out on your family.
Mary Alice Voiceover:...was replaced.
Edie:She is out there throwing herself at Mike Delfino.
Mary Alice Voiceover:And everyone
Edie:Wow, your own personal nanny? Swell you.
Mary Alice Voiceover:...was getting in over their heads.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Edie Britt stands next to her car, looking thoughtful.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Edie Britt could never understand why she didn't have any female friends. Of course, she always tried to tell people she didn't need any, but the truth was, it bothered Edie that other women didn't seem to like her. Even after moving to Wisteria Lane, Edie couldn't understand why her neighbors kept their distance."
(Flashback to when Edie moved in. She tells one of the movers to be careful, then waves at Susan, Bree, Gabrielle, and Lynette who are sitting on Susan's porch, watching the move-in. They all wave, but when Edie turns away, they whisper to each other.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"And then she met Martha Huber."
Mrs. Huber: "Hola!" 
(Mrs. Huber comes up to Edie, smiling and carrying a covered dish of food. She hands it to Edie, who takes it, smiling.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Within five minutes, Mrs. Huber managed to disparage what Edie was wearing. In fact, whenever they got together, Mrs. Huber insulted her. She made fun of everything from Edie's makeup to her taste in men."
(Edie and Mrs. Huber walk down the street as an attractive male jogger jogs past them. Edie turns to watch him go past her and Mrs. Huber pinches her on the arm.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes, Martha Huber could be cruel, offensive, and downright mean. But Edie didn't care, because she was the first real friend Edie Britt had ever had. But now Martha Huber was missing. She had vanished without a trace, and Edie was not embarrassed to admit, she needed her back. "
(A cab pulls up and Edie shakes off her flashback as she walks to the side of it, where the door opens. A woman gets out of the cab. )
Felicia: "Edie?" 
Edie: "Yes." 
Felicia: "I'm Felicia Tilman. Martha's sister." 
Edie: "Really!" 
Felicia: "What's wrong?" 
Edie: "Oh nothing's wrong, it's just that Martha always said how alike you two were. I just don't see the family resemblance." 
Felicia: "It's there. It just takes a while to become apparent. Do you have the key to her house?" 
Edie: "I do. After the police kicked the door in, they put on this temporary lock. Oh, and by the way, the neighbors are coming over at noon. We're going to organize and hand out fliers." 
Felicia: "The key?" 
Edie: "Oh right. You know, I can only imagine how worried you must be." 
Felicia: "I'm not worried, Edie. Martha and I had a very intense bond. We were connected at the most primal level, and a few days ago, I felt this sensation in my soul. That's when it first dawned on me that something had happened to my sister. And when she didn't arrive at my home as scheduled, well, that's when I knew she was dead." 
Edie: "Oh, honey, no! You mustn't think like that! Martha's only missing!" 
Felicia: "No, Edie, she's dead. But she's my sister, and I'm going to find out exactly what happened to her." 
Edie: "Look, Felicia, it's natural to freak out when a loved one is missing." 
Felicia: "Loved one? Oh, Edie, let me be clear about this. I hated Martha. She was a wretched pig of a woman and the day she died, this world became a better place."
Mary Alice Voiceover:"It was in that moment that Edie finally saw the family resemblance."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Credits
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Outside Mrs. Huber's House]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Mrs. Huber was missing. The words echoed down Wisteria Lane until every last resident was aware of her disappearance. By noon, dozens of neighbors had gathered. Some came to volunteer, some came in sympathy, and some, came to learn exactly what the police knew and what they didn't."
(While neighbors pass out fliers amongst each other, Paul stands off to the side, looking down at the flier that reveals Martha is missing.) 
(A man in a suit takes a flier from the pile and turns to the group of neighbors standing in Mrs. Huber's yard.) 
Man: "So I'll need you to pass out fliers. Put them in the mall, the park, anywhere you think Mrs. Huber might have been seen. We need to jump on this; time is of the essence. Edie, would you like to say something?" 
Edie: "On behalf of Martha, and her sister Felicia, I'd like to thank you all for coming here today. You know, my last conversation with Martha was one of anger. And I'll never forgive myself for the things that I said. I lay awake at night thinking about it."
(She starts sobbing and turns to cry on the shoulder of the man in the suit.) 
Lynette: "I don't know how she did it, but Edie managed to make this all about her." 
Gabrielle: "She's a talented girl, our Edie." 
Susan: "Has anybody talked to Bree? How's Rex doing?" 
Lynette: "She's bringing him home from the hospital today." 
Susan: "Well, I don't know how he had a heart attack. He was so young." 
Gabrielle: "Hey, how creepy is Mrs. Huber's sister?" 
Lynette: "I know. The way she was talking about Mrs. Huber, it was like she was already dead." 
Gabrielle: "You don't think she is..." 
Susan: "Oh no, I'm sure she's fine. We're talking about Mrs. Huber. She's like a roach!"
(The women walk off and Paul walks up to Felicia.) 
Paul: "I just wanted you to know that everyone on Wisteria Lane is praying for your sister's safe return." 
Felicia: "Oh, I seriously doubt that."
(She turns and walks off.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Rex's Hospital Room]
(Looking through the window of Rex's hospital room, a nurse can be seen checking his heartbeat with a stethoscope. Outside the room are Bree, Danielle, and Andrew.) 
Danielle: "What do you mean, you're not taking care of him?" 
Andrew: "Dad's being released today. He's got to have a place to recuperate." 
Bree: "Well, then he can go to a motel because he's not allowed back in my house." 
Danielle: "I thought you two were getting along. What happened?" 
Bree: "That's - between your father and me." 
Andrew: "You're so selfish. You know, I'm so looking forward to the day I get to put you in a nursing home." 
Bree: "I'm sorry to disappoint you, Andrew, but my plan is to have an embolism and to die young!" 
Andrew: "Yeah, well we're all rooting for you, but you might not be so lucky!" 
Bree: "Andrew!" 
Andrew: "You want to see how long I can hold a grudge? Go ahead and abandon my father, because I promise you, you'll be sorry." 
Bree: "You wouldn't be saying that if you knew what -" 
Andrew: "Knew what? Well, come on, tell me! Because I'd love to know what my father did that was so awful!" 
Bree: "Fine. I will see him through this, but after that, your father can rot in hell for all I care!"
(She walks off.) 
Danielle: "We're not like other families, are we?" 
Andrew: "No. We're not."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Gabrielle's House]
(Carlos's lawyer, Mr. Hartley, and Gabrielle are in the living room while Yao Lin cleans around them.) 
Mr. Hartley: "Gabrielle, it's not my fault that your bank accounts are frozen." 
Gabrielle: "I'm not saying it's your fault, I'm just saying, fix it!" 
Mr. Hartley: "Well, I wish I could, but the folks at the justice department aren't very sympathetic." 
Gabrielle: "I'm running out of money. In a couple of weeks, I'm gonna be screwed." 
Yao Lin: "Why don't you hock some of your jewelry? There's a lot of stuff you never wear, and most of it's ugly." 
Gabrielle: "Don't you have a toilet to scrub?"
(Yao Lin leaves the room.) 
Gabrielle: "I'm just so angry with Carlos. What was he thinking, exporting goods made from slave labor? Why couldn't he have embezzled like other white collar criminals?" 
Mr. Hartley: "All the justice department wants is to make sure that Carlos doesn't skip the country. Now, if he is released on bail, I can argue that he needs money to live on, and they'll probably unfreeze one of the smaller accounts." 
Gabrielle: "But they won't release him on bail until they get the passport." 
Mr. Hartley: "Exactly. You haven't found that yet, have you?"
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Gabrielle wanted her old lifestyle back, no question, but she wanted Carlos to suffer for his betrayal even more. "
(Flashback to Gabrielle looking at Carlos's passport in her hands before throwing it into the fire.) 
Gabrielle: "I'm still searching." 
Mr. Hartley: "Well, in that case, you might want to think about looking for a job." 
Yao Lin (walking by): "Hah!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Susan's House]
(Susan and Mike are in the kitchen together.) 
Susan: "So, I had a really good time." 
Mike: "I bet you did."
(The doorbell rings. Susan takes a moment to run her hand down Mike's back, ending on his buttocks and giving them a squeeze before going to answer the door.) 
Susan: "Gotcha."
(Mike turns and gives her a happy sheepish grin.) 
(Susan answers the door and it's Karl.) 
Karl: "Hey, is this a bad time?" 
Susan: "For you? Of course it is." 
Karl: "That's cute. Tax stuff. I need your signature." 
Susan: "We've been divorced over a year." 
Karl: "2003."
(Karl walks in.) 
Susan: "Well, please. Just come on in. Uh, Mike, I don't think you've officially met my ex, Karl Mayer." 
Mike: "Oh hey! Mike Delfino." 
Karl: "Right. Plumber."
(Mike gives Karl a look before turning to Susan.) 
Mike: "Yeah, I don't have the right washer for this faucet, so I'm just going to go across the street and get it."
(Susan laughs as he brushes against her, then walks to the door, closing it behind him.) 
Karl: "So he seems okay." 
Susan: "Yeah, he is. So what do you want me to sign? Oh, I see." 
Karl: "By the way, Julie told me about her birthday plans." 
Susan: "Yeah, we're going to a restaurant downtown. A guy who plays piano and an open mike. Julie got a bunch of her girlfriends together, so we're just going to make a night of it." 
Karl: "Julie loves to sing. It sounds nice." 
Susan: "Here you are." 
Karl: "All righty." 
Susan: "Give my best to Brandi." 
Karl: "Actually, um, we're not together anymore." 
Susan: "You're not? What happened?" 
Karl: "I caught her in bed with another guy. Go ahead. Do your happy dance. You deserve it." 
Susan: "No, no really, I'm, I'm sorry you had to go through that. I am."
(Karl leans forward and gives Susan a hug, and holds on.) 
Susan: "Uh..." 
Karl: "It's just really hard for me right now. Thanks."
(Mike walks back in and sees them. Susan motions to Mike, makes the hand sign of the phone, and then silently mouths the words 'Call me.' He walks back out, closing the door quietly behind him.) 
(Karl finally lets Susan go.) 
Susan: "Uh, try ripping up old photos. It helps." 
Karl: "Well, have fun this weekend. Let me know how the party goes." 
Susan: "Karl, do you want to join us?"
(Karl makes a series of hand gestures that indicate he's at first going to refuse, but then he walks back over to Susan and gives her another hug.) 
Karl: "Oh Susan, you're the best." 
Susan: "Oh, well..." (small squeal) "I am the best, aren't I."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Lynette's House]
(Lynette and Tom lie in bed. Lynette looks over a list she's made of things to do, written on the back of the Missing Mrs. Huber flier.) 
(She turns to Tom.) 
Lynette: "You know, if we're going to buy a water heater, we should talk about it. We could go to the mall tomorrow. They're having a sale." 
Tom: "Could we talk about this tomorrow?" 
Lynette: "Well, I'm just trying to plan my day." 
Tom: "Please honey, I'm so tired." 
Lynette: "Okay."
(She takes off her glasses and turns off the light.) 
Lynette: "Hon?" 
Tom: "Huh?" 
Lynette: "Did you set up the coffee maker?" 
Tom: "Oh. No. Uh, you know, I'll do it in the morning. I promise I'll get up early and do it." 
Lynette: "Tom..." 
Tom: "Oh..." 
Lynette: "Tom...Come on."
(He gets up.) 
Lynette: "Thanks." 
Tom: "Yeah."

(Downstairs in the darkened laundry room off of the kitchen, Claire puts clothing in the washer. She takes off her socks, looks down at her robe, notices a stain, and then, after looking around, removes the robe. She quickly throws it in with the other clothes, starts the washer, then quickly jogs through the kitchen, her arms crossed across her chest.) 
(Tom comes down the stairs, stopping abruptly when he sees Claire.) 
Tom: "Claire?"
(Claire gasps, then quickly turns around so her back is to him.) 
Tom: "Um, um, I'm, uh. Wow, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were up." 
Claire: "Yeah, I, I, I thought you were sleeping. I--I was just going upstairs. Do you want me to make the coffee." 
Tom: "Yeah! Yeah, that'd be great! I'm just gonna, um, go back up to my room." 
Claire: "Okay" 
Tom: "Good night." 
Claire: "Good night."
(Tom returns to the bedroom, smiling.) 
Lynette: "Just so you know, if we go to the mall, we can go to the shoe store. You said you wanted new running shoes."
(Tom gets in bed and leans over her. Lynette looks at him.) 
Lynette: "What?"
(She turns and looks into puppy dog eyes filled with intention.) 
Lynette: "Oh."
(She giggles. He moves in closer, and then she rolls over on top of him as they kiss.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[The Next Morning]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"The next morning while the search for Martha Huber continued, Lynette discovered a little family secret. One she wasn't even looking for. "
(Claire comes down the stairs and looks around before heading into the kitchen.) 
Lynette: "Good morning." 
Claire: "Good morning." 
Lynette: "Want some coffee?" 
Claire: "Uh, yeah, thanks! I didn't want to come down until Tom left for work. Still a little embarrassed." 
Lynette: "About what?" 
Claire: "Oh, he didn't tell you? Well, actually, it's kind of funny. Um, I was doing some laundry, and I noticed that the robe I was wearing had some baby food on it, so I threw it in, figuring I could dash upstairs while everyone was asleep. And then I ran into Tom, while I was totally naked." 
Lynette: "So, Claire, when did this incident occur?" 
Claire: "I don't know. It was pretty late. I think he might have come down to make coffee or something." 
Lynette: "You don't say."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Modeling Agency]
(The modeling agent, Mr. Gibbs, flips through a book of Gabrielle's work.) 

Mr. Gibbs: "Wow! Wow! Wow! Well, this is certainly impressive. I can definitely get you work as a model. But you do realize it's different from the runway work you did in New York and Milan." 
Gabrielle: "Of course. I made ten thousand dollars a day. I don't expect to, to make that here."
(She glances up at a poster on the wall, which sports the slogan: "Try the beer that's #1 among mermaids.") 
Mr. Gibbs: "That's good. Because you won't." 
Gabrielle: "Yeah. So what do you got?" 
Mr. Gibbs: "Well, there is something. Uh, they need a model to demonstrate the new Buick Lacrosse, at the Fairview Mall. It's just going to be you and the car on a revolving platform. Three hundred bucks for the day." 
Gabrielle: "Uh, what else do you have?" 
Mr. Gibbs: "Sure, um, ooh. Can you swing a sword? Sci-fi convention needs someone to dress up as a warrior princess." 
Gabrielle: "A warrior princess? Mr. Gibbs. I am a professional model. Look at this bone structure. This face is a cash cow, and if you don't have the vision to take advantage of that, then maybe I'm at the wrong agency." 
Mr. Gibbs: "Hey, look, honey. I'm the only modeling agent in a hundred mile radius. I book women for boat shows and garden tool expose and if you don't like it, move back to the city." 
Gabrielle: "This, um, Buick thing. Does it include lunch?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bree's House]
(Bree sets a tray of food down next to the couch where Rex is lying. He sits up, breathing heavily from exertion.) 
Rex: "Just so you know, I really am grateful for everything you're doing for me." 
Bree: "Oh, I don't need your gratitude. You're only here because your children are master extortionists." 
Rex: "So you didn't tell them about..." 
Bree: "Your adultery? No. I decided to keep that little gem all to myself."
(Bree begins cleaning up around the living room.) 
Rex: "Listen, I know this is a real imposition." 
Bree: "Yes, it is. The doctor said you could be here for weeks." 
Rex: "Would it make you feel any better if I told you I'm sorry for what I did?" 
Bree: "Yes, it would...if I still felt anything for you. But as it stands, the place you used to occupy in my heart is very much empty now." 
Rex: "You must still feel something for me." 
Bree: "And why do you think that?" 
Rex: "Oh, come on, Bree, look at this. You're using the good china, freshly pressed napkins, flowers from the garden. This tray was prepared with loving care." 
Bree: "Do me a favor, Rex. Please don't mistake my anal retentiveness for actual affection."
(She stalks out, taking the small vase with a flower in it off of the tray with her.) 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Susan's House, nighttime]
(Susan kisses Mike on the bed. She glances over at her nightstand and sees the missing fliers for Mrs. Huber lying there.) 
Susan: "Hold on a sec."
(She turns them upside down.) 
Susan: "Okay, now I'm good." 
Mike: (chuckles) 
Susan: "What?" 
Mike: "You're just - God, I love you." 
Susan: "Oh! Well, that's great!" 
Mike: "Um. Wait. Wait. That just kind of popped out." 
Susan: "No, No! It's fine. It just kind of caught me off guard. I mean, I want to say it back." 
Mike: "Yeah, but you're not ready. It's okay." 
Susan: "You're not mad, are you?" 
Mike: "No! God! We haven't been dating that long, and you've got other issues. Forget it." 
Susan: "Good."
(He rolls her over so he's on top and they kiss again.) 
Susan (pulling away): "Issues? What kind of issues do you think I have?" 
Mike: "You know, I retract my earlier statement. I no longer love you. In fact, I just think of you as a really good buddy." 
Susan: "No. No, no, no. You obviously think you have some insight into my soul, so please, go ahead, dazzle me." 
Mike: "Your divorce left you hurt and vulnerable." 
Susan: "Big insight. The postman knows that." 
Mike: "And there's a chance you might still have feelings for your ex." 
Susan: "What? I loathe Karl, and the postman will back me up on that, too." 
Mike: "I'm sure part of you does hate him, but, you know, maybe part of you is still hung up on him." 
Susan: "Where are you getting this?" 
Mike: "Well, he broke up with the woman he left you for, and what was the first thing you did? You hugged him and invited him to a party." 
Susan: "Okay, the analysis part of this evening is now over." 
Mike: "Hey, you asked." 
Susan: "Well, you know what? You're going to come to Julie's party tomorrow night, and you're gonna see Karl and I together, and you're going to understand once and for all that I have no feelings for him whatsoever." 
Mike: "Actually, I have tickets for a basketball game tomorrow night." 
Susan: "Actually, you're coming to the party tomorrow. And that's the end of it." 
Mike (to himself): "That is what I get for saying 'I love you'."
Susan: "What?"
(Mike deflects the question by taking a drink from a glass of wine.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Pharmacy]
(Bree steps up to the counter.) 
Bree: "Hello, George." 
George: "Mrs. Van de Kamp. You're looking lovely today." 
Bree: "You always say the nicest things." 
George: "Well, it's, uh, it's true." 

Bree: "Listen, I have a prescription here for Rex. I don't know if you heard, but he had a heart attack." 
George: "I had no idea. Is he okay?" 
Bree: "Oh yes, he'll, he'll live. But the doctor said he's at risk for something called pericarditis. Do you know anything about that?" 
George: "It's an inflammation of the membrane that surrounds the heart. It will take a few months to make sure it doesn't develop, but he'll need constant care." 
Bree: "So I hear."
(She gives him the prescription and he leaves the counter to go fill it.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"As the word's 'Constant Care' echoed in her head, Bree caught a sickening glimpse into her future."
(A man coughs behind Bree and she turns to see an old man sitting in a wheelchair with an old woman helping him sit more comfortably.) 
(Bree watches them, looking uncomfortable.) 
George: "Okay. Here we go."
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Which prompted her to seek an old-fashioned remedy."
Bree: "George? Would you go out to dinner with me?" 
George: "Um, you mean, like a date?" 
Bree: "Yes, I think it would be fun." 
George: "What about your husband?" 
Bree: "Oh, him. Well, we're separated."
(George smiles and Bree smiles back.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Outside]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"In spite of Mrs. Huber's disappearance, life on Wisteria Lane started to return to normal. Until an intriguing discovery was made on a dirt road next to the interstate."
(A policeman finds Mrs. Huber's car abandoned by the woods. He opens it and looks in the glove department, finding the car registration. He calls in to Dispatch.) 
Policeman: "This is Officer Burton. I have an abandoned vehicle registered to a missing person, one Martha Huber. Please advice."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Later]
A crowd of neighbors are gathered in the woods to search for Mrs. Huber. A table has been set up for food and coffee. 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"As news spread of this mysterious development, everyone in the neighborhood decided to band together, to show their support, and to look for clues. Or worse. "
Bree: "I'm keeping my eyes on the horizon. Please tell me if I'm about to step on a body part." 
Lynette: "It's a search and rescue, not recovery. We don't know if she's dead." 
Susan: "Yeah, people fake their own abductions all the time." 
Bree: "Can we talk about something else - something less depressing?" 
Susan: "Well, here's something. Mike told me he loved me."
(Lynette and Bree both gasp.) 
Lynette: "Oh, my god!" 
Mrs. Greenberg: "Over here! They found the body!" 
Lynette: "No, no! I'm sorry! False alarm. We didn't find a body. Uh, Susan just had some really good news. Sorry." 
Distant voice of a man: "Oh, it's nothing. False alarm." 
Edie: "Well, doesn't that figure. Susan always finds a way to make it about her."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Fairview Mall]
(A Buick rotates slowly on a platform while Gabrielle stands in front of it in a blue evening gown, talking into a microphone.) 
Gabrielle: "Ladies and Gentlemen. I present to you the fabulous Buick Lacrosse."
(Microphone feedback. Annoyed, Gabrielle turns to the woman handling the audio. She makes a quick adjustment then gives Gabrielle a thumbs-up.) 
Gabrielle: "It, uh, it has an excellently crafted interior, peaceful quiet tuning, and ultrasonic rear parking assist. Observe the remote activation feature."
(She pushes a button and the car starts. She then sees Lynette and Tom riding down the escalator.) 
Gabrielle: "Uh, and it also has a lot of other exciting good, cool car things."
(She tries to run around to the other side of the turntable, but her dress gets caught.) 
(The audio girl, Sarah, watches her. Tom and Lynette get off of the escalator and see Gabrielle.) 
Gabrielle: "Tom! Lynette! What are you doing here?" 
Tom: "We're buying a new water heater. Um, how 'bout you?" 
Gabrielle: "Just doing a little shopping, trying to get my mind off things." 
Sarah: "Hey Gabby, you need help, it looks like you're stuck here." 
Gabrielle: "Uh! I guess I am." 
Sarah: "No worries, I got it." 
Gabrielle: "I guess I got too close to the turn table. I'm a sucker for these Buicks." 
Sarah (to the dress): "Come on, you bastard!" 
Gabrielle: "You know, with their perfectly crafted interior, and peaceful, quiet tuning." 
Lynette: "Uh-huh. A little formal for the mall." 
Gabrielle: "Oh, uh, you know, I wanted to match the shoes to the dress. This is, uh, Sarah, my shopping buddy. We like to hit the boutiques together." 
Lynette: "Okay. Well, you gals, um, shop your little hearts out. See you later." 
Gabrielle "Bye."
(They walk off. Sarah waves after them and Gabrielle sighs irritably.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bree's House]
(Bree comes down the stairs, dressed in a red dress, with her hair styled up.) 
Rex: "Wow. Look at you! You going out?" 
Bree: "Not that it's any of your business, but, I have a date." 
Rex: "A date. What kind of date?" 
Bree: "Rex, I don't want to say anything that might upset you. The doctor says any undue stress could cause another heart attack."
(Rex gives up and turns his back to her.) 
Bree: "It's a romantic date with a single attractive man, and I intend to french the hell out of him."
(The doorbell rings.) 
Bree: "Oh, right on time!"
(She goes to answer the door and Rex watches from the couch.) 
George: "Hi." 
Bree: "Hi," 
George (hands her a small bouquet of flowers): "In my spare time I garden. I thought you might like these." 
Bree: "Oh, my, they're exquisite. Compost and eggshells?" 
George: "Yes!" 
Bree: "Oh! Come on in. George, you remember Rex?"
(Rex smiles and waves his hand from where he's sitting. George's step falters.) 
George: "I thought you said you were separated." 
Bree: "Oh, we are, emotionally. Physically, he just lives here because his mistress refuses to care for him. Would you like a drink?" 
George: "Uh no, I'm fine. Thanks." 
Bree: "Rex, say hello to George!" 
Rex: "Hello, George!" 
George: "Hello, Dr. Van de Kamp." 
Bree: "I'm going to go put these in water. George, why don't you have a seat, and I'll be right back."
(George sits down on the other end of the couch.) 
George: "So, uh, how's your heart, Dr. Van de Kamp?" 
Rex: "Better. How's the pharmacy?" 
George: "Busy. It's busy."
(Rex bursts out laughing.) 
George: "Something funny?" 
Rex: "It's, it's nothing. You see, I, uh, recently engaged in some extracurricular activity, and now Bree's doing anything she can to make me suffer. All you can do is laugh." 
George: "Yeah, uh, I guess."
(Bree comes back in and sets the flowers in the vase next to Rex.) 
Bree: "Oh, these flowers are stunning. They're the best ones I've ever gotten."
(She smiles down at Rex, who turns and smiles at George.) 
Bree: "Ah. Shall we?" 
George: "It was nice talking with you, Dr. Van de Kamp." 
Rex: "Please, you're dating my wife! Call me Rex!"
(Bree turns abruptly to glare at him, then turns her back and she and George leave.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Fairview Mall]
(Lynette and Tom get back on the escalator, bags in hand.) 
Lynette: "That sales girl that sold us the water heater - she had a cute figure." 
Tom: "Yeah, I guess. I didn't notice." 
Lynette: "Oh, how can you say, she was so your type, big breasts, really curvy." 
Tom: "What are you doing?" 
Lynette: "Nothing. I'm just saying you prefer women that are really curvy, like that sales girl or Claire." 
Tom: "There's only one type that I prefer." (He kisses her cheek.) "You." 
Lynette: "Aww....You kiss as though that would end this conversation, and it so won't." 
Tom: "Why am I trouble, I haven't done anything wrong." 
Lynette: "The only reason you made love to me the other night was because you had just seen Claire naked." 
Tom: "Wha-? Aw, crap."
(Later, in the van, Tom and Lynette continue the conversation. Lynette is driving.) 
Tom: "Claire is a great nanny. It would be stupid to lose her over something like this." 
Lynette: "You and I have had crushes before. We always tell each other. We laugh about it. It's no big deal. What worries me about this is you're denying you're obviously attracted. Why?" 
Tom: "I'm not denying anything." 
Lynette: "Oh, so you are attracted to her." 
Tom: "I didn't say that."
(Lynette puts on the brakes and suddenly stops the van. They are blocking the line of cars wanting to leave the parking garage of the mall.) 
Tom: "What are you doing?" 
Lynette: "We are not going anywhere until you confess you have the hots for our nanny. Tom, it's okay. She's attractive. Men by nature are drawn to fertile young women with whom them can plant their seed."
(We see the lady in the car behind them get out and walk to them.) 
Lynette: "It's the basic flaw of your gender. I get it. Just do me the honor of-"
(The woman stands outside of their car. Lynette notices her rolls the window down, staring at the lady on the other side.) 
Woman: "Uh, we'd all like to get out of here. Is there a problem?" 
Lynette: "My husband won't admit that he has lust in his heart. Can you give us a minute?"
(The woman holds up her hand in a 'I give up' gesture and walks back to her car. Lynette rolls up the window.) 
Tom: "Lynette. Claire is attractive, yes. But I am not attracted to her. Look, if I thought for even a second that there was any danger in having Claire around, I'd be the first to get rid of her. It's you! You're the one! You always have been and you always will be."
(They kiss. Horns start honking behind them.) 
Lynette (laughing): "All right, hold your water."
(They drive off.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Karaoke Restaurant]
(Julie and two of her friends stand on the stage, singing. They finish and Susan, Mike, Karl, and two more of Julie's friends clap.) 
Susan: "Yay! Oh, you guys were fantastic." 
Julie: "Thank you. Um, they've got a dance floor upstairs and we're going to go check it out." 
Susan: "Okay, have fun."
(Edie enters the restaurant.) 
Karl: "Edie! Over here!" 
Susan: "What the hell is she doing here?" 
Karl: "Well, I don't get to bring a date? I heard you were bringing him." 
Susan: "Of all people, you picked that tired piece of - Edie!" 

Edie: "Hi Susan! Oh, thanks for the invite. God knows I needed something to get my mind off poor Martha. A kiss, for the birthday boy."
(They kiss, with Edie dragging it out.) 
Susan: "Uh, Edie, it's not his birthday." 
Edie: "Oh! Oh!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Outside Bree's House]
(Bree and George are in George's car, which is parked outside of Bree's house.) 
Bree: "Thank you, George. That was a lovely evening." 
George: "The pleasure was mine. There is nothing better than great conversation with a beautiful woman over a delicious meal." 
Bree: "Well, I guess I should go inside." 
George: "I'm glad we did this." 
Bree: "Me, too."
(They lean over to kiss, but stop when there is knocking on the glass of the car window.) 
Bree: "Andrew, where did you come from?" 
Andrew: "I was just on my way back from Brian's house. What's going on here?" 
Bree: "Oh, uh, you remember Mr. Williams, our pharmacist?" 
George: "Hey, there." 
Andrew: "How's it going? What are you doing in his car?" 
Bree: "Well, we're just, um, talking. Mr. Williams took me out to dinner." 
Andrew: "You mean like on a date?" 
Bree: "Well, um...."
(She gets out of the car.) 
Bree: "Yes." 
Andrew (to George): "You are aware that she's married, right?" 
Bree: "Andrew, your father and I are separated and you know it." 
Andrew: "I don't care. Couldn't you at least wait until he was out of the house?" 
Bree: "The only reason he is still in the house is because you insisted I care for him." 
Andrew: "So, so what do you guys intend to do now?" (to George) "Are you two going to have sex?" 
Bree: "No, we are not going to have sex!" 
Andrew: "What? Why not?" 
Bree: "Because I don't commit adultery like your father." (long pause) "That's right. Your father had an affair. I found out about it, and I'm just trying to move on with my life." 
Andrew (to George): "You should watch out for her. She's a liar."
(Andrew stomps off.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Gabrielle's House]
(Gabrielle stands in her living room, sorting bills on the floor and making notes on a legal pad.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"In spite of her mounting debt, Gabrielle was determined to prove she could get along just fine without Carlos' money."
(The power suddenly goes out.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"It wasn't until the electricity went out that she finally began to see the light."
(She goes over to her cell phone and dials a number.) 
Gabrielle: "Mr. Hartley. It's Gabrielle Solis. I need you to start working on releasing Carlos on bail. Mm hmm. I just remembered where I put his passport."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Karaoke Restaurant]
Edie (singing): "I took the sweet life, never knew I'd be bitter from the sweet. I spent my life exploring, the subtle whoring that costs too much to be free, hey lady, I've been to paradise..."
(The piano player throws in an extemporaneous passage, and Edie pauses.) 
(Mike has his arm around Susan and she turns her face, kisses his cheek, then nuzzles the side of his face lightly with her nose.) 
Edie: "...but I've never been to me..."
(Karl watches them, then turns back to watching Edie on the stage.) 
(Whistling and clapping. Karl gives her a standing ovation, then twirls her around when she comes off of the stage.) 
Edie: "Oh, thank you!" 
Karl: "Damn woman, you were good! All right, you're next, Suzie-Q. Whatcha gonna sing?" 
Edie: "Yes." 
Mike: "You sing?" 
Susan: "Only when I'm alone." 
Karl: "Come on, we're among friends." 
Susan: "I don't think so." 
Mike: "Well, I, for one, would like to hear your voice." 
Karl: "Give it up, plumber. She's not budging." 
Susan: "You want to hear me sing?"
(Susan reaches forward and takes Mike's chin with her hand.) 
Mike: "Yeah." 
Susan: "Okay."
(She leans forward and kisses him on the lips.) 
Mike: "What's it going to be? I'll tell the piano player." 
Susan: "New York, New York." 
Edie: "Oh, I'm so excited to hear you. Oh, but doesn't it just figure..." 
Susan: "What do you mean?" 
Edie: "You have to get up in front of a room full of people dressed like that."
(Susan looks down at herself and laughs.) 
Edie: "I hope they don't turn on you." 
Susan: "I think I'll take my chances...sort of like you did--on those high notes."
(Edie does a fake laugh, then turns to Karl.) 
Edie: "I'm going to go get us two more." 
Karl: "That's a great idea."
(Edie leaves.) 
Karl: "So that Mike; he seems pretty even keeled." 
Susan: "Yeah. He's a great guy." 
Karl: "But you know, I mean, he's a little--Buster Brown. Don't you ever worry you'll gonna get bored?" 
Susan: "Thanks for your concern, Karl, I'm fine." 
Karl: "Go figure. Even though our marriage was crazy at times, it never got dull." 
Susan: "Yeah, that part when you slept with your secretary was really exciting." 
Karl: "I know, how many times do I have to hear it? It was a mistake. But don't I ever get credit for the thirteen loyal years beforehand?" 
Edie: "You must not be counting the Henderson's Christmas party." 
Karl: "Edie, not now." 
Edie: "Oh, what's the big deal, Karl. Your marriage is history anyway." 
Karl: "Edie..." 
Edie: "It was nothing, really. Basically we both got plastered on egg-nog, and we found ourselves standing under the, uh, mistletoe..." 
Karl: "Edie..." 
Edie: "And we were like, okay, what do we do now? So I smiled, and he smiled, and then Karl reached over, and started feeling me up!"
(Edie playfully slaps Karl on the arm.) 
Karl: "Susie, that's not how it happened!" 
Mike: "All right, Susan, you're up." 
Susan: "What?" 
Karl: "Hey, Susie, it's so silly...Susie."
(The piano player begins playing the opening notes to "New York, New York" as Mike pushes Susan up to the stage.) 
Announcer: "Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Susan Mayer!"
(Susan gets up on stage and turns to look back at their table.) 
Susan (singing): "Start spreading the news...I'm leaving today...I wanna be a part of it, New York! New York! These vagabond shoes..." (speaking) "You're an ass, you know that?"
(The piano stops playing.) 
Susan (to the piano player): "No, keep playing!" (singing) "Are longing to stray... there's a word no, right? And get around the heart of it, New York! New York! I want to..." (speaking) "Just tell you that the affair was one thing, I mean, I forgave you, because on some small level, I thought you were in love with her, and now I find out that you were just groping people at parties..." (singing) "Top of the heap..."
(Karl gets up to walk out.) 
Susan: "Karl, don't you turn away from me. Look at me! You know, what else were you doing during our marriage? How many other women were you sticking it to? As God as my witness, it will snow on the hills of hell, before I ever feel sorry for you again!"
(There's a long pause.) 
Susan (singing): "New York!"
(The piano plays a few chords in conclusion.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Wisteria Lane, nighttime]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"As the police interviewed the residents of Wisteria Lane about the mysterious disappearance of Martha Huber, my husband, Paul, reasoned it would only be a matter of time before their digging would begin to yield answers."
(Paul stands next to his car, holding a bag of groceries, as he watches the police interview his neighbor.) 

(Later, he walks purposefully into the woods where he buried Martha Huber. He digs her up and removes some jewelry from her body.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Since he knew the police had no suspects, he decided to point them to the most logical candidate."
(Paul walks up to a house and slowly, straining, pulls open the garage door.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"You see, if there's one thing that Paul understood about the suburbs, it was this:"
(Paul walks into the garage. His flashlight shines over the workbench. He opens a drawer and places the jewelry in the back.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"No one's more suspicious than a new neighbor who's just moved in. "
(Away from the garage, the camera pans to the mailbox of the house that Paul is out. The mailbox reads: "Delfino".) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Lynette's House]
Lynette and Claire clean up dishes from the kitchen table while Tom sits at the table. 
Lynette: "Parker's getting sniffily." 
Claire: "Yeah, I noticed that, too. I hope he's not coming down with a cold. " 
Lynette: "He doesn't have a cough yet, but he sort of has this post-nasal drip thing happening. " 
Claire: "Oh, I'll make an appointment for him. I always say it is better to be safe than sorry. Little kids get sick and it's-" (to Tom as she cleans around him) "sorry - out of control."
(Tom's gaze becomes unfocused as he stares at the silver cross swinging back and forth between Claire's chest as she cleans and talks. Lynette notices his where his gaze is at and turns to look at Tom pointedly. Tom looks at Lynette. Lynette looks at Claire then back at Tom.) 
Tom: "Um, um, Claire? We have to make some changes."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Outside Bree's House]
(Bree walks on the path to the garage, holding a large box. Andrew follows behind her.) 
Andrew: "What are you doing?" 
Bree: "I'm packing up your father's things for when he eventually moves out." 
Andrew: "Here. Let me help you. Look, I, I talked to dad, and it turns out you were telling the truth." 
Bree: "Andrew, I'm so sorry that I said anything." 
Andrew: "I know. I'm glad you did. Now I know." 
Bree: "There comes this point in every boy's life..." 
Andrew: "What? When he finds out his dad is screwing around?" 
Bree: "No. That his father's only human." 
Andrew: "So, why are you taking care of him? Is it because of what Danielle and I said? Because you can forget that. I'll help you take his stuff on the street if you want." 
Bree: "That's sweet, but I'm taking care of him because it's the right thing to do." 
Andrew: "Why are you being such a pushover? I mean, he cheated on you. He's a jerk!" 
Bree: "Andrew, you will not speak that way about your father in front of me." 
Andrew: "Why the hell not? I mean, for once, I'm actually on your side!" 
Bree: "Yes, I'm angry with him. I am going to divorce him. I may even marry someone else, but make no mistake about it, your father is, and always will be, the love of my life. He gave me the best eighteen-year marriage that I could have ever hoped for. For that, you will respect him." 
Andrew: "Okay."
(They walk back inside, arm and arm. Off to the side, unseen, stands Rex.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Susan's House]
(Karl knocks on the door and Susan answers.) 
Susan: "What is it? I'm really, really busy." 
Karl: "I came by to apologize." 
Susan: "Oh, well, in that case, come on in. I'm not doing anything." 
Karl: "I can't believe Edie brought the whole thing up. Susan, I, I am so sorry. I thought I was done hurting you." 
Susan: "Yeah, me too. And just so you know, I'm sorry for flipping out. I shouldn't let you get to me like that."
(Karl chuckles.) 
Susan: "What?" 
Karl: "I do still get to you, don't I? That's the difference between the plumber and me. Oh, don't get me wrong. He's a good guy, and I like him. But I'm betting that you two don't have what we had together. There was always a spark between us." 
Susan: "A spark?" 
Karl: "Look, what I'm trying to say is, he must seem really safe, after me." 
Susan: "A moray eel would seem safe after you." 
Karl (laughing): "That's what I'm telling you about. That great back and forth, joking around. We used to argue and push each other's buttons." 
Susan: "News flash! I hated all of that!" 
Karl: "Come on, you have to admit, when it was good, it was the best." 
Susan: "What are you saying?" 
Karl: "Let's give this another shot." 
Susan: "You want me back?" 
Karl: "Yeah. Yeah. I realize now, that you were the woman that was meant for me." 
Susan: "Wow. Just so we're clear. You want to move back in here and be faithful to me and love me with all your heart and soul?" 
Karl: "Absolutely." 
Susan: "Oh my god. This is so wonderful!" 
Karl: "I know. I know. I want to kiss you." 
Susan: "Oh god, no. Karl, um, no, what I meant by wonderful was that I wondered inside if I still had feelings for you, if deep down I still loved you..." 
Karl: "And...?" 
Susan: "And, there's nothing there." 
Karl: "Come on, you got to feel something..." 
Susan: "Well, actually, I do, yeah. Excuse me!"
(She runs out of the house all cheery, throws the towel she was carrying up in the air, and runs over to Mike's house. She knocks on the door.) 
Mike: "Susan." 
Susan: "Mike, guess what? I love you!" 
Mike: "Are you sure?" 
Susan: "Yes!"
(They kiss. Then she looks over his shoulder and sees the two policemen in his house.) 
Susan: "Did I come at a bad time?" 
Mike: "Um, they're just asking some questions about Mrs. Huber." 
Susan (to the police): "I love him. You can write that in your little book."
(Mike chuckles.) 
(The police officer holds up his book and smiles. The other raises his eyebrows.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Outside]
(Focus in on a stack of Mrs. Huber Missing fliers. The wind begins to pick up, blowing the fliers all over.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"We are all searching for someone. That special person who will provide us what's missing in our lives. Someone who can offer companionship..."
(At Bree's house, Bree is on the phone in her living room.) 
Bree: "George, hi, it's me, Bree. I was wondering, are you free next Saturday?"
(On the other side of the room, in plain view, Rex stands there and shakes his head slightly.) 
Bree: "You are? Oh, that's wonderful."
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...or assistance..."
(At Lynette's home, Lynette is on the phone with the phone book in front of her. Faintly, the sounds of her children screaming upstairs can be heard.) 
Lynette: "Hi, I understand your agency handles nannies. Uh, I need someone experienced and preferably unattractive."
(On the other side of the kitchen, Tom sips from a cup of coffee and briefly closes his eyes in resignation.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...or security..."
(In Gabrielle's house, Gabrielle is on the phone.) 
Gabrielle: "Hi, honey. Did the lawyer tell you the good news? You're gonna make bail. I found your passport."
(The burnt passport lies on the table.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"And sometimes if we search very hard, we can find someone who provides us..."
(Susan sits outside her house, on her portable phone. )
Susan: "Well, I just called to say hi, and I love you!"
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...with all three."
(Mike stands in his open doorway of his house, smiling as he holds the phone to his ear.) 
Mike: "All right, right. Enough already."
(In the woods the next day, a jogger and his dog run through the woods. The dog veers off to the left and the jogger follows.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes, we are all searching for someone."
(His dog stops and begins digging in the ground.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"And if we can't find them, we can only pray..."
(The dog continues digging.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...they find us."
Jogger: "Whatcha got, boy?"
(He moves aside some dirt, revealing the swollen, grotesquely-colored hand of Mrs. Huber, lying in the dirt.)
~ The End ~
��: two songs from DH,1.11 


1 Edie������:
http://ihome.cuhk.edu.hk/~s035883/Charlene.mp3

Never Been to Me
(sung by Charlene) 

Hey lady, you, lady, cursin' at your life
You're a discontented mother and a regimented wife
I've no doubt you dream about the things you never do
But I wish someone had a talk to me like I wanna talk to you
Ooh I've been to Georgia and California, oh, anywhere I could run
Took the hand of a preacherman and we made love in the sun
But I ran out of places and friendly faces because I had to be free
I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me

Please lady, please, lady, don't just walk away
'Cause I have this need to tell you why I'm all alone today
I can see so much of me still living in your eyes
Won't you share a part of a weary heart that has lived a million lies
Oh I've been to Nice and the isle of Greece
Where I sipped champagne on a yacht
I moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo and showed 'em what I've got
I've been undressed by kings and I've seen some things
That a woman ain't s'posed to see
I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me

(this part is spoken...) Hey, you know what paradise is? It's a lie.
A fantasy we create about people and places as we'd like them to be.
But you know what truth is?
It's that little baby you're holding, and it's that man you fought with this morning,
the same one you're going to make love with tonight. That's truth, that's love.

Sometimes I've been to cryin' for unborn children
That might have made me complete
But I, I took the sweet life and never knew I'd be bitter from the sweet
I spent my life exploring the subtle whoring that cost too much to be free
Hey lady, I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me
I've been to paradise - never been to me
(I've been to Georgia and California, and anywhere I could run)
I've been to paradise - never been to me
(I've been to Nice and the isle of Greece
While I sipped champagne on a yacht)
I've been to paradise - never been to me
(I've been to cryin' for unborn children...)
(fade)


2 Susan�ķ���
http://www.ejazzlines.com/sample_mp3/LL-2111aa.mp3

New York, New York (LIVE)
(by Frank Sinatra )

Start spreading the news, I'm leaving today 
I want to be a part of it - New York, New York 
These vagabond shoes, are longing to stray 
Right through the very heart of it - New York, New York 

I want to wake up in a city, that doesn't sleep 
And find I'm king of the hill - top of the heap 

These little town blues, are melting away 
I'm gonna make a brand new start of it - in old New York 
If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere 
It's up to you - New York, New York 

New York, New York 
I want to wake up in a city, that never sleeps 
To find I'm a number one, head of the list, 
Cream of the crop at the top of the heap. 

These little town blues, are melting away 
I'm gonna make a brand new start of it - in old New York 
If I can make it there, I'm gonna make it anywhere 
It's up to you - New York, New York 
~The End~




Desperate Housewives 
1X12 - Every Day A Little Death
------------------------------------------------------------
Mary Alice Voiceover:Previously on "desperate housewives"
Mike:We're making a mistake. These are nice people.
Mr.Shaw:My money says one of them isn't.
Susan:How creepy is Mrs. Huber's sister!
Mary Alice Voiceover:Promises were made.
Felicia:I'm going to find out exactly what happened to her.
Mary Alice Voiceover:Marriages came undone.
Carlos:Gabrielle and I are about to start a family.
Gabrielle:Well, we're not negotiating my uterus.
Bree:George, would you go out to dinner with me?
George:You mean like a date?
Rex:A date?
Mary Alice Voiceover:And the truth...
Mrs. Huber:You burned your rival's house down.
Mary Alice Voiceover:...was denied.
Susan:I absolutely did not do that thing you accused me of.
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Martha Huber waited her whole life for something to happen to her, something exciting. As a child, she hoped to be kidnapped by a band of pirates. As a teenager, she dreamt of being discovered by a Hollywood talent scout. As a young woman, she fantasized that a handsome millionaire would sweep her off her feet. But the years had flown by, and still, nothing exciting had ever happened to Martha Huber. Until the night she was murdered. "
(Flashback to the night when Mrs. Huber was murdered by Paul.) 
Paul: "Hello, Mrs. Huber." 
Martha: "Paul!" 
Paul: "Let me give you a hand." 
Martha: "That's really not necessary." 
Paul: "I insist."
Mary Alice Voiceover:"In those last moments, it occurred to her, in addition to being boring, life could also be very cruel."
[Woods, daytime]
(A man holds a missing person's flier showing Mrs. Huber. As the camera backs away, we see it's a policeman holding the flier. He walks over to where crime scene tape has been placed around where Mrs. Huber's body was found. Dozens of officials are around the scene, doing their job in removing the body.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Luckily for Mrs. Huber, death was far more merciful. "
Officer Jackson: "What do you think?" 
Police chief: "That's our missing woman, all right."
(Channel 15 KQRY Eyewitness News van pulls up.) 
Police Chief: "Aw, geez, it didn't take the media long to get wind of this. Make sure no one contaminates my crime scene."
(He leaves. The policeman looks at the flier in his hand then down at Mrs. Huber lying in the dirt.) 
Officer Jackson: "Hey, little lady. A lot of people are looking for you, you know that? Your face is gonna be on the front page of every paper in this state. How's that for exciting?"
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Officer Jackson couldn't be sure, but for a brief moment, he thought he saw the corpse of Martha Huber, smile."
Credits
(A police car pulls up in front of Mrs. Huber's house.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Death had come once again to Wisteria Lane."
(A policeman gets out of the car and walks over to Felicia Tilman, who's watering the lawn.) 
Police Chief: "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. We found your sister's body."
(Felicia drops the hose and takes a step back.) 
[Outside Susan's House]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Word of the tragedy would soon spread throughout the neighborhood. But for now, people went about their lives as they always did, blissfully unaware."
(Susan comes out of her house and walks across the street to Mike's house, where she opens the door and walks in.) 
Susan: "Hello, anybody home?" 
Mike's voice: "In the kitchen." 
Susan: "Good news. I finished my book, so I thought to celebrate, you could take me out to lunch."
(She stops in front of Mike, then sees Edie behind him, standing in the kitchen. Edie brushes past her.) 
Edie: "Hey, Susan." 
Mike: "Uh, could we do a rain check? Edie and I are just looking over the plans to rebuild her house." 
Edie: "My insurance company is finally cutting my check next week, and there's only one plumber I want. So don't expect to see this guy for a few months. I'm gonna be riding him hard." 
Susan: "Well, if anyone can go the distance, he can. I should know."
(She giggles and then kisses Mike. She then looks over at Edie and grabs at Mike to share a long passionate kiss with him.) 
Edie: "Uh, Mike?"
(Mike glances at her, still lip-locked with Susan, as they turn slightly.) 
Edie: "Mike? We're on the clock."
(Edie's cell phone rings. She picks it up.) 
Edie: "Hey, Felicia, what's up?"
(Her face saddens.) 
Mike: "Edie?" 
Edie: "They found Martha."
[Gym]
(Lynette, holding on to Penny, puts a Kleenex over Parker's nose. )
Lynette: "Here, blow. Good, all right. Come on, it's going to be fun. Follow me."
(They walk up to the front desk, where there is a sign-in roster. All of the spaces are filled, but Lynette adds her name at the bottom anyway.) 
(The woman behind the desk, Lauren, stops her.) 
Lauren: "Excuse me. You can't do that." 
Lynette: "I'm here for the 10 a.m. yoga meditation class." 
Lauren: "Unfortunately, the day care center is full." 
Lynette: "Yeah, I noticed that, but every time I come here, it's full." 
Lauren: "It's a popular class, and the other moms come early. Look, all I can tell you is plan ahead next time." 
Lynette: "Uh, Lauren? I'm a mother of four. Today I had to get up at five, make lunches, make breakfast, drop the twins off at school, and get across town lugging a baby and a sick child. Telling me to plan ahead is like telling me to sprout wings. And it's things like being told to plan ahead that make me so crazy, that yoga is the only thing that relaxes me, except I show up here, and I can't get in, and you tell me to plan ahead. It's a vicious cycle. See how that works?" 
Lauren: "I get it, but if I broke the rules for you, I'd have to break them for the other moms too, and then the moms who actually follow the rules would get all pissed at me, and I'd have to get pissy right back, and before you know it, I don't have time to read my magazine. See how that works?" 
Lynette: "I hope someday, you have lots of children."
(Her cell phone rings and she picks it up.) 
Lynette: "Hello? Oh, hey, Susan. Listen, I can't talk, I'm in the middle of something here. What?"
[Outside Bree's House]
(A car pulls up to Bree's house. George gets out of the car and opens the door for Bree, who gets out.) 
George: "I had a wonderful time today." 
Bree: "Thank you. I did too."
(George walks back around the car to the trunk and Bree glances up at the 2nd-story window. She slams her car door, still looking up at the window.) 
Bree: "Sorry I can't invite you in for coffee." 
George: "Oh, I get it. Rex still lives in the house. It would be awkward." 
Bree: "Yeah, and I would rather cut off my hand than hurt his feelings."
(She slams down the trunk and looks up at the window again.) 
Bree: "It'll, um, it'll be a lot easier once he gets well enough to move out." 
George: "Do you want to have lunch tomorrow?"
(Bree notices the curtain move, and knows Rex is watching. She gasps, and then leans forward and gives George a hug.)
Bree: "I'd love to." 
George: "Okay. Wow!" 
Bree: "Pick me up at one and we'll do something fun." 
George: "See you then." 
Bree: "Oh, packages! Thank you."
(George, who had forgot he was holding them, hands them to her.) 
(Bree's cell phone rings.) 
Bree: "Hello! Oh, hi, Lynette! What?"
[Outside Gabrielle's House]
(Two men with "U.S. Marshall" written on the backs of their jackets help a shackled Carlos out of the car.) 
(Gabrielle comes out the front door carrying a bottle of champagne and two glasses.) 
Gabrielle: "Hi, honey! Welcome home!"
(Still handcuffed, Carlos gives Gabrielle a small wave as one of the men unlocks the handcuffs.) 
(Inside the house, Carlos walks the men to the door.) 
Carlos: "Thanks, guys. Take it easy."
(The U.S. Marshalls walk out and he shuts the door behind them.) 
Gabrielle: "Come on, honey, let's celebrate! Sorry it's the cheap stuff. I had to economize. Now that you're back, we can restock the wine cellar. Let's toast."
(They kiss.) 
Carlos: "Very good to be back" 
Gabrielle: "What's that?"
(She sees a blinking device sitting in the living room.) 
(Carlos lifts up his foot and shows her another device attached to his ankle.) 
Carlos: "It transmits to this. My electronic monitoring device. didn't the lawyer tell you?" 
Gabrielle: "Tell me what?" 
Carlos: "I'm on house arrest. It's a condition of my bail." 
Gabrielle: "Uh, no! No, he neglected to tell me that." 
Carlos: "Yeah, if I move more than a hundred feet from that telephone, an alarm sounds. If I keep going, it transmits a signal to the FBI, and I'm back in jail." 
Gabrielle: "But, how are you gonna work?" 
Carlos: "I can't. I can't do anything." 
Gabrielle: "Uh, no! No, no! That's unreasonable. What do they expect us to do for money?" 
Carlos: "The lawyer's working on unfreezing the accounts. In the meantime, I mean, haven't you been working modeling jobs?" 
Gabrielle: "Carlos, this is not like New York where I made thousands of dollars a day modeling haute couture. I'm doing boat shows. I spend eight hours a day doing this!"
(She poses, but with a sarcastic grimace on her face.) 
Carlos: "I'd buy two boats from you." (laughs) "Come on."
(He hands her one of the glasses.) 
Carlos: "Where's my toast?"
(They clink glasses.) 
Gabrielle (in a weary voice): "Welcome home."
(She swallows the champagne and grimaces.) 
(The phone rings.) 
Gabrielle: "Hello. Hi, Bree. What?"
[Martha Huber's House]
(The police chief who came to tell Felicia of Mrs. Huber's death is sitting in the living room with Felicia. They get up and start walking to the door.) 
Police Chief: "If you find anything in your sister's belongings that might shed some light on her death, um, letters or a date book, please, call me immediately." 
Felicia: "I believe she did keep a diary of something. I'll look around for it."
(They see a group of people standing outside on the sidewalk.) 
Felicia: "Look at them all. Vultures. Pretending to care when all they really want are the sordid details." 
Police Chief: "I don't know, I think they just want to show their support." 
Felicia: "Please. Human beings feed on misery. Well, we might as well give the people what they want."
(She continues to smile, wickedly, and then steps forward.) 
Felicia: "Hello. I want to thank you all for coming out here and expressing your genuine sorrow and disbelief. My sister, Martha, would have been so touched. I know that many of you have questions. I've just spoken with the police who are still putting together the details of what happened. What they do know is, Martha died a violent death."
(The crowd is shocked.) 
Felicia: "Yes, I know. It's hard to hear. Apparently, there was a struggle. They found scratching and bruising on her body, several broken bones, and traces of dirt in her lungs, which leads us to believe that she was still alive at the time of her burial, and probably in great pain. But the good news is, there are no signs that she had been molested. Now, I think it's time that you return to your homes, to your loved ones. Oh, in lieu of a memorial service, I'll be holding an estate sale the day after tomorrow. Please, no personal checks."
(She smiles and walks inside the house.) 
(Susan, Gabrielle, Lynette, and Bree all have looks of disbelief on their faces.) 
[Outside, Early Morning]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"By the next morning, everyone on Wisteria Lane was aware of Martha Huber's demise, with no exceptions."
(One of Lynette's children is drawing a picture of stick figures that shows a smiling woman with purple lips lying down, and two police officers in blue uniforms and huge yellow badges.) 
Lynette: "Okay, boys." 
Twin: "Hey, mom." 
Lynette: "You see this gum? If you promise to be quiet while I am downstairs playing cards, it's all yours. Deal?" 
All three children: "Yeah!" 
Lynette: "Yeah, okay. That's what I like to hear."
(She hands them the gum and they grab for it.) 
(Downstairs, Bree, Gabrielle, and Susan are sitting around the table with the cards.) 
Bree: "I mean, what are the odds? First Mary Alice and then Mrs. Huber? I mean, it's shocking." 
Gabrielle: "Yeah, but this is different. Someone was actually murdered on our street." 
Lynette: "I remember talking to her right before she disappeared." 
Susan: "You did? What'd you talk about?" 
Lynette: "Oh, actually, she yelled at me for not bringing my garbage cans in." 
Bree: "I'm gonna miss her."
(The doorbell rings. Lynette answers it.) 
Lynette: "Edie!" 
Edie: "Hi." 
Lynette: "Hi. Come on in." 
Edie: "Oh, you're all here." 
Lynette: "Yeah. Tuesday's poker day." 
Edie: "Really." 
Lynette: "Yeah." 
Edie: "Oh, you know, I love poker."
(Everyone suddenly looks down at their cards.) 
Edie (slight laugh): "Okay, then. Well, here's the deal. Since the Ice Queen isn't doing anything to memorialize her sister, I have decided to carry Martha's ashes up to Torch Lake and scatter them myself. It's where her husband proposed." 
Lynette: "That's so sweet." 
Edie: "I know. So, I thought that some of the neighbors could caravan up there, and we'd have a little ceremony. I've printed out maps if anyone needs one, and the dress is semi-formal." 
Gabrielle: "You know, Edie, I'd love to go, but, um, I just got back into modeling, you know, just for fun, and I have a gig tomorrow. I can't leave 'em hanging." 
Lynette: "I wish I would have known earlier. I would have arranged a sitter." 
Bree: "Damn, I have to take Rex to his angiogram." 
Edie: "Hmmm." (looking at Susan) "Well, Mayer, what's your excuse?" 
Susan: "I'm just, you know, busy. Stuff." 
Edie: "Well, your friends are much better liars."
(She takes the map she had handed them earlier and stalks out, slamming the door behind her.) 
(Later, Lynette walks into a bedroom upstairs where the boys are.) 
Lynette: "Okay, Mommy's friends are gone now and you can - "
(Porter and Preston are standing behind Parker, who is smiling. His hair is standing up all over, obviously with gum in it.) 
(Lynette exhales.) 
[Later...] 
(Lynette has Parker in the bathroom, sitting on the closed toilet seat as she tries to comb through the gum.) 
Parker: "Ow! Ow!" 
Lynette: "Well, yeah, I know it hurts, but that's what you get when you let your brothers put bubble gum in your hair. Pain and misery." 
Parker: "Are you mad at me?" 
Lynette: "Yes! Yes! I am mad at you." 
Parker: "Ow!" 
Lynette: "And I'm also cranky. You know how you get when you haven't taken a nap? Well, mommies are the same way. We need our down time, and if we don't get it - " 
Parker: "Ow!" 
Lynette: "- sorry, we end saying and doing things which we don't normally do." 
Parker: "Ow!" 
Lynette: "And it's frustrating for me too, 'cause I do want to be the best mommy I can be." 
Parker: "I think you're the best mommy in the world." 
Lynette: "Oh. That's sweet of you, but it's not exactly true."
(She goes to the cabinet and removes an electric razor. She turns it on and Parker hangs his head.) 
[Park]
(Bree and George sit in the park on the ground, a picnic spread out around them. )
Bree: "I was so afraid when I suggested a picnic, that you'd make fun of me, but I just think it's such a lovely, old-fashioned way to spend an afternoon." 
George: "Well, as it happens, I'm an old-fashioned kind of guy." 
Bree: "Oh, and we got so lucky with the weather, it's just absolutely - "
(George reaches forward and put his hand on her hand on her leg. She smiles at him. He smiles at her. She pulls her hand back.) 
Bree: "You know, your lunch hour is almost up. We should probably be getting you back to the pharmacy." 
George: "Wait. I've had such a good time, these last few days, I just want to show my appreciation." 
Bree: "Another gift? I hope it's not another orchid, they're so expensive." 
George: "Relax, this didn't cost me a dime."
(He puts a box in front of her.) 
(Bree opens the box, exhales, puts her hand to her mouth.) 
Bree: "George, you shouldn't have."
(Bree reaches down and pulls a pistol out of the box.) 
Bree: "This is a 9-mm Luger PO8!" 
George: "The moment you said you were in the NRA, I knew I wanted to give it to you." 
Bree: "I can't accept this, George! This is an antique. It's too valuable." 
George: "It's okay. My grandfather gave it to me. It was surrendered to him by a soldier during World War II. Since I don't know how to shoot..." 
Bree: "It's so lovely. I mean, look at the handle. Is that mother of pearl?" 
George: "I think so. Only the officer's models had that. Do you really like it?" 
Bree: "Oh, absolutely. George, this is just so much better than an orchid."
(Bree raises the gun and looks down the line of sight. George puts his hand on her thigh. This time she reaches down and clasps his hand, squeezing it.) 
[Outside, Nighttime]
(Susan walks over to Mrs. Huber's house, where Felicia is carrying boxes to the curb.) 
Susan: "Hi. Mrs. Mayer. I saw you from across the street. I thought you might need a hand." 
Felicia: "No, thanks." 
Susan: "I, I'm sorry for what happened. It must be really hard, not knowing who did it, or why. You must feel helpless." 
Felicia: "A bit. I'm hoping her journals will provide some insight." 
Susan: "Journals?" 
Felicia: "Yes, Martha kept them for years." 
Susan: "Oh. So, she must have written a lot of things in them?" 
Felicia: "Every mundane detail of her life. And everyone else's, for that matter. The police want to see them, but I'm stalling them 'til I have a chance to read through them first myself. wouldn't want any embarrassing family secrets getting out." 
Susan: "That's smart, that, that's good."
(Felicia turns away.) 
Susan: "That's good to hear."
(She turns and leaves.) 
[Susan's House]
(Susan paces in the kitchen.) 
Susan: "I am so screwed." 
Julie: "Mom, calm down." 
Susan: "Everything about the fire and the measuring cup is gonna be in that journal. Everyone is gonna think I'm an arsonist." 
Julie: "It may not be as bad as it looks." 
Susan: "What, you think there's a chance Mrs. Huber didn't write about it in the journal?" 
Julie: "Please. It's great dirt. I even put it in my journal. you're gonna have to get to Mrs. Britt and come clean. Convince her it was an accident. If she doesn't press charges, the police will probably just let it go." 
Susan: "Are you high? Edie hates me." 
Julie: "That's why you're gonna grovel at her feet and beg forgiveness."
(Susan stares at Julie.) 
Julie: "That's right. you're gonna have to suck up to Edie Britt."
[Mike's House, the following day]
(Mike pulls his car into the driveway.) 
(When he walks up his porch, he finds the front door ajar. He walks in, looks around quickly and carefully, then strides to the kitchen, finds the cabinets open, and sees that the money, maps and notes are gone.) 
(The red light on the answering machine is blinking.) 
(The voice of Mr. Shaw, the mysterious ominous old man from the park, begins speaking from the machine.) 
Mr. Shaw: "Hey Mike, as you probably see by now, I took back my money and what little information you managed to dig up on your neighbors. Your replacement's going to need it. Pack up and move on with your life. Sorry about the mess."
(Furious, Mike's hand sweeps across the table where the machine is sitting. Papers fly everywhere.) 
[Gym]
(Lynette walks into the Yoga center with Penny and Parker. Parker wears a baseball cap.) 
Lynette: "We're here! Woo! Ten minutes early! Sign me up?" 
Lauren: "You just missed the rush, sorry." 
Lynette: "No! No! I, I planned ahead."
(Parker takes off his hat and scratches his shaved head.) 
Lynette: "We're, we're ten minutes early."
(Parker coughs.) 
Lauren: "Oh my god!" 
Lynette: "What?" 
Lauren: "When you said you had a sick child, I had no idea. How long has it been?"
(Lynette looks at Parker. He looks down at the floor and coughs again.) 
Lynette: "Uh, it kind of snuck up on us." 
Lauren: "He's so young too. God, it just breaks my heart." 
Lynette: "Oh."
(She laughs.) 
Lynette: "No, you see, here's the thing - " 
Lauren: "You go ahead into class. I'll find room for your kids." 
Lynette: "Okay."
[Construction site]
(Susan walks up to the site where Edie's house will be built. Construction workers are there, working.) 
Susan: "Hey, Edie!" 
Edie: "Susan." 
Susan: "Boy, I gotta say, I envy you." 
Edie: "In the name of God, why?" 
Susan: "Well, you get to build your dream house, for free. I mean, in a weird way, your house burning down was really a good thing." 
Edie: "There's nothing good about it. I can't replace the memories, the photographs, the - is there something you want?" 
Susan: "Okay, here's the deal, Edie. I, I - " 
Edie: "I, I, what? Spit it out already, I'm busy." 
Susan: "I just wanted to see how you were holding up. You know, with Mrs. Huber and everything." 
Edie: "My best friend was murdered and stuffed into a garbage bag. And nobody cares enough to go with me to spread her ashes." 
Susan: "I'll go with you, Edie."
(Edie turns and looks at her.) 
[Gabrielle's House, nighttime]
(A tired Gabrielle, in a gold dress, walks into the house carrying a red and white striped bucket of fried chicken.) 
Gabrielle (wearily): "Hey." 
Carlos: "Oh, thank God, I'm starving!" 
Gabrielle: "Well, dig in. I am way too tired to eat."
(Carlos catches her wrist as she walks by.) 
Carlos: "I'm sorry."
(She sits on the couch and he massages her shoulders.) 
Carlos: "So, did you get to go by the hospital? Visit Mama?" 
Gabrielle: "I worked ten hours today. I'll go by tomorrow. She doesn't even know when I'm there." 
Carlos: "She's gonna wake up soon, I know it."
(He kisses her neck.) 
Carlos: "And you know what would make her really happy." 
Gabrielle (gets up): "If you say, a grandchild, so help me, God!" 
Carlos: "Gabrielle, please!" 
Gabrielle: "No, you promised, no babies!" 
Carlos: "Things change!" 
Gabrielle: "Yeah, I know. The Feds towed away my Maserati. My husband is, is a felon, and I spend my days getting groped by fat tracker salesmen at trade shows. I am well aware things change!" 
Carlos: "A baby is solid, a constant." 
Gabrielle: "And who is going to be changing the diapers when you're pumping iron in a Federal prison, huh? I like my lifestyle, and I don't want you to kill it." 
Carlos: "Well, look around, Gabrielle, it's already dead. And there's nothing you can control." 
Gabrielle: "Maybe. But having a baby, that, I can control. You, I can control." 
Carlos: "Hey, you can't talk to me like that. I'm still the man of this house." 
Gabrielle: "Oh, really?"
(She bends down and picks up the bucket of fried chicken.) 
Gabrielle: "The man of the house?"
(She turns and walks toward the front door. She grabs a large white paper bag as she walks.) 
Carlos: "Don't walk away from me! Hey, hey! My food!"
(She walks out the front door.) 
Carlos: "Gabrielle, come back here right now!"
(She hurries down the steps and down the sidewalk.) 
Gabrielle: "I wouldn't go too much farther, you're going to end up back in prison." 
Carlos: "Damn it! Gabrielle! Get inside now!"
(She sits down on the edge of the road on the other side of the street. She opens up the bucket of fried chicken.) 
Gabrielle: "Mmm." 
Carlos: "Hey, I waited all day for that!" 
Gabrielle: "Mmm, it's perfect! Oh, mm, crispy and burnt on the outside but nice and steamy on the inside."
(Carlos takes a few tentative steps forward and his ankle bracelet begins flashing and beeping.) 
Gabrielle:"Uh, uh, uh! Mmmm. Mmmm. you're the man of the house? You can't even leave it!"
(She holds up a piece of meat, dangling it over her open mouth, then drops it slowly into her mouth.) 
(Carlos gives a beastly cry of indignation, turns around, clasps his hands on the back of his neck and stomps back into the house.) 
[Nighttime]
(A car pulls up near a barn. George and Bree get out. As George carries a bag of empty bottles, Bree sets them up on a fence post.) 
George: "I love this. It's like a little adventure. I've never fired a gun before." 
Bree: "The memory of this night will stay with you forever." 
George: "Really?" 
Bree: "Oh, yeah. You always remember your first time. God, I hope I brought enough bullets." 
George: "You know, Bree, I can't tell you what these past few days have meant to me, finally getting out of the house and trying new things." 
Bree: "Well, we sure have had some fun." 
George: "No, no, it's, it's more than that. I'm starting to forget what it feels like to be lonely." 
Bree: "Oh, George, that's so sweet. Now come on, let's go shoot something!"
(Standing by the car, Bree holds the gun as she instructs George.) 
Bree: "Now before I fire a handgun, I like to go over a few of the basics just to make sure I'm ready. Okay? So, number one, a strong stance."
(She points the gun in front of her, looking down the line of sight.) 
Bree: "Two, high hand grasp. Three, hard grip. Four, front sight. Five, release the safety, and then squeeze the trigger slowly." 
George: "What's a high hand grasp?" 
Bree: "Here. Take the gun."
(Bree gives it to him, then stands behind him to help him position himself. The car headlights shine on them. We see the fence and two bottles in the distance.) 
Bree: "Okay. Now when you're firing a semi-automatic, you want the web of your hand all the way up against the edge of the back strap." 
George: "What is that perfume you're wearing?" 
Bree: "Uh, I'm not wearing perfume." 
George: "Are you sure? Because you smell amazing?" 
Bree: "Oh, I was making macaroons before I left the house." 
Bree: "Okay, now I want you to hold the gun like you're holding a beautiful white dove. Hold it firmly enough that it can't get away, but not so firmly that you can kill it. Got it?" 
George (grinning): "I think so." 
Bree:" Okay, now all you have to do is take a deep breath..."
(George turns his head, looking at Bree, Bree is looking at the gun.) 
Bree: "...and squeeze the trigger."
(George's lips move towards Bree's face and then he kisses her.) 
Bree (squeals): "George!"
(The gun goes off and George falls to the ground, screaming and clutching his leg.) 
(He lies on the ground, screaming with pain as Bree hovers over him.) 
[Hospital]
(Bree walks into George's hospital room carrying a tall white vase with beautiful flowers. George has a big cast on his leg. He stares up at the ceiling.) 
Bree: "Hey. Hi, George. I'm so sorry you lost your toe. The doctor said it's your middle one so your balance shouldn't be affected. I mean, this really won't change your life one little bit. Please say something." 
George: "I've always dreamed that before I died, I would get to kiss a truly beautiful woman. I finally get the chance, and I end up blowing off a toe. I'm not surprised. This type of thing always happens to me, you know. I know I'll get over it. But the thing that I don't think I'll ever get over, is that when I did kiss you, you pulled away from me."
(George turns and looks at her for the first time.) 
George: "Why did you do that, Bree?" 
Bree: "I was just caught off guard." 
George: "But, we're dating. Why would it be so surprising I would try to kiss you?" 
Bree: "I'm still married to Rex. I mean, we're not even legally separated yet." 
George: "He cheated on you. You said you were going to hate him forever." 
Bree: "You shouldn't listen to a woman who's just had her heart broken. We tend to lie."
(George turns away from Bree and she walks out of the room.) 
[Gym]
(Lynette walks into the Yoga center pushing Penny in a stroller. Plenty of people are in the waiting area, and she accidentally bumps into one of them.) 
Lynette: "Hi, sorry."
(She looks at the clock. 10:10 a.m.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Lynette knew serious illness was not a matter to be treated lightly."
(She reaches down and picks up Parker and puts him on her hip.) 
Parker: "What are you doing?" 
Lynette: "I'm just picking up my sick poor little baby boy. All right, here."
(She takes his hat off, to show his shaved head.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"But making her yoga class was a matter of life and death."
(She works her way to the desk.) 
Lynette: "Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry. Excuse me. Excuse me. Hey, Lauren! Hi. We had a really rough morning." 
Lauren: "Don't give it another thought."
(Lynette smiles.) 
[Outside, on a road]
(Edie's car is by the side of the road. Susan rolls a tire to the trunk as Edie leans against the car.) 
Edie: "I bet you were a cheerleader in high school, weren't you?" 
Susan: "My junior year. How'd you know?" 
Edie: "Girls like you were always cheerleaders. Clear skin. Honor Roll. Popular. In high school, I was the girl that hung out with the freaks at the loading dock. And smoked. Everyone hated us."
Susan: "Well, you know high school. Thank God we leave that behind!" 
Edie: "See, I don't think we do."
(Susan twists the torque wrench to tighten a lug nut on the tire.) 
Edie: "I'm still the outsider that doesn't get invited to the cool parties, and you're still the perky cheerleader who thinks that she can pull the wool over everyone's eyes." 
Susan (cautious): "What?" 
Edie: "You came on this trip, paid for the gas, and look at you, you're changing this flat when you know I have auto club. You want something from me." 
Susan: "I just know Mrs. Huber's death's been hard on you. I want to help." 
Edie: "That's a lie." 
Susan: "Why would you think I was lying?" 
Edie: "Because we're still in high school. The old rules apply. The cool kids only want to talk to the freaks when they need something. Now you're not getting back in my car until you tell me what it is that you want." 
Susan: "Okay. Look, uh, I, I just haven't always treated you well, and I want to make amends." 
Edie: "Hm. I still think you're full of crap. But we don't have time to debate this."
(Susan puts the torque wrench in the trunk and Edie closes it.) 
Susan: "You know, for what it's worth, I would have talked to you in high school." 
Edie: "Of all the lies you told, that's the worst."
[Mr. Shaw's House]
(Mike closes the door to his SUV, then climbs a small hill to a large white house, with a huge front porch. He turns the corner on the porch and sees Mr. Shaw sitting there.) 
Mr. Shaw: "Single malt?"
(Mike stares at him.) 
Mr. Shaw: "Have a seat. Take a load off." 
Mike: "I want it all back. My maps, pictures, my gun, and the money." 
Mr. Shaw: "Oh, my money." 
Mike: "You are never gonna get anybody who cares as much about finding Deirdre as I do!" 
Mr. Shaw: "Why? Because you loved her so much? You abandoned her, remember? You saved yourself, found yourself a nice, safe wife, and you left my daughter to rot, so forgive me if I question your level of commitment."
(Mike grabs him, spins him around, pushing him against one of the square porch pillars, and places his forearm against his throat. Still holding him there, he begins speaking.) 
Mike: "I need to do this! Why are you fighting me?" 
Mr. Shaw: "Because you haven't been moving fast enough. And I'm running out of time." 
Mike: "What do you mean?" 
Mr. Shaw: "It seems I have a tumor. Apparently, it's pressing on my brain."
(Mike backs off.) 
Mr. Shaw: "I'm gonna die. And I'd like to know what happened to my daughter before I do."
[Gym]
(Lynette is talking to Lauren.) 
Lynette: "Ah. That was the best class ever. You can just terrific, thank you." 
Lauren: "Oh, Lynette, this is my friend Kelly." 
Kelly: "Hi." 
Lynette: "Hi!" 
Lauren: "She wanted to meet Parker." 
Lynette: "Oh, really? Why?" 
Kelly: "I'm a survivor. Breast cancer. About six years ago. Can I hug your son?" 
Lynette: "Sure."
(Kelly kneels down to eye level with Parker.) 
Kelly: "I know exactly what you're going through. But you're gonna be brave, okay? You are going to survive this, because you are a tough little soldier."
(Kelly looks like she is about to cry, and then she hugs Parker. Parker turns and looks at Lynette.) 
Parker: "Mommy? Am I dying?"
(Lynette glances first at Kelly, then at Lauren. She gets down on her knees, eye level with Parker. She makes a funny face with big eyes as she looks him in the eye.) 
Lynette: "No! you're not dying! People just think that because I shaved your head." 
Kelly: "You shaved his head?" 
Parker: "Yeah, my brothers put bubble gum in my hair." 
Lynette: "Sorry." (Starts walking away) "Excuse me."
Mary Alice Voiceover:"And just like that, Lynette realized the road to enlightenment and spiritual well being was now closed to her."
[Outside Bree's House]
(Bree gardens near her front steps when George, on a pair of crutches, comes up to her.) 
Bree: "Oh George! What - what a surprise!" 
George: "See, I've been doing a lot of thinking, since we talked in the hospital. And - " 
Bree: "And-?" 
George: "Bree, I don't care what we call it! We can call it dating, we can call it hanging out. Whatever it is, I just want to be with you. See, uh, I really need our friendship back." 
Bree: "I don't think that would be wise." 
George: "Why not?" 
Bree: "Well, I mean, wouldn't you keep hoping that in time I would feel the same way about you as you feel about me?" 
George: "Maybe."
(Bree smiles ruefully and shakes her head slightly.) 
Bree: "Oh, George." 
George: "I wish you wouldn't say 'Oh, George' like that. Like I'm so pathetic for even thinking you could love me someday." 
Bree: "I don't think you're pathetic. It's just that...I can't." 
George: "Aw, geez. Oh, geez!"
(He turns and heads back to his car as fast as he can maneuver on the crutches.) 
Bree: "Oh, George, please don't go!"
(He hobbles away, faster and faster.) 
Bree: "Why can't we talk this over? George, I - "
(She reaches out to stop him. He twists away when she touches him and he loses his balance, falling down the brick steps at the end of her front walk, and landing in a heap on the side walk.) 
Bree: "Oh my God! George, here."
(She starts toward him to help him.) 
George (anguished): "Get away from me!"
(Bree jumps back in alarm.) 
Bree: "You can lean on me." 
George: "I don't need you! I don't need anybody!"
(By now, he's picked himself up and he slowly makes his way around to the driver's side of the car.) 
[Gabrielle's House]
(Carlos lies on the bed while Gabrielle comes in from the closet, carrying her shoes. She sits on the bed to put the on.) 
Gabrielle: "You know honey, tonight's the last night of the boat show. We'll be able to spend some time together before that home and garden thing next week. Carlos." 
Carlos: "I'm going to jail. And you're not gonna be here when I get back." 
Gabrielle: "What?" 
Carlos: "It's true. And I won't blame you." 
Gabrielle: "Don't talk like that. Everything is going to be fine. We're going to sort this mess out, and you're gonna be on top again." 
Carlos: "Gabrielle, they could find me guilty on every charge. I could go to prison for five years. we'd probably have to sell the house, you'd have to keep working." 
Gabrielle: "Okay, Carlos - " 
Carlos: "If that happens, can you promise you won't ever leave?" 
Gabrielle: "I promise."
(She leans forward and kisses him on the lips.) 
Gabrielle: "I've gotta go."
[Torch Lake]
(Susan is rowing a boat to the middle of the lake while Edie sits with Mrs. Huber's ashes in her lap.) 
Edie: "This is far enough." 
Susan: "Do you need help with the container?" 
Edie: "No, I got it open. I'm good."
(Edie looks up at the sky.) 
Susan: "So, what are you waiting for?" 
Edie: "I just need a moment, okay?" 
Susan: "Oh, of course, take your time."
(Edie begins sobbing.) 
Susan: "Are you okay?" 
Edie (sobs): "Oh, I'm just so grateful." 
Susan: "I know, I know. Mrs. Huber was a good friend to you."
(She puts her hands on Edie's lap.) 
Edie: "I'm not talking about Martha. I'm grateful to you." 
Susan: "Me?" 
Edie: "Yeah, I've been such a bi*ch to you over the years, and here you are, rowing me out to dump her ashes." 
Susan: "Well, it's, it's really no, no big deal." 
Edie: "Yes, it is. You stepped up when nobody else would. And here I am, thinking you have an ulterior motive. God, Susan, you're such a good person. And I'm such a bich!" 
Susan: "Well, Edie, you're not that bad, and, and, and believe me, I'm, I'm not that good." 
Edie: "Oh, yes you are." 
Susan: "Oh, please don't do this." 
Edie: "Martha may be gone, but the good Lord above has shown me that I'm not alone."
(Susan's eyes look cautiously at the sky.) 
Edie: "I am so grateful that I still have a true friend."
(Edie reaches out her hand. Susan takes it.) 
Edie: "Thank you, Susan." 
Susan: "Edie, I burned your house down." 
Edie: "Huh?" 
Susan: "I was scared that you were sleeping with Mike, and so I let myself in, and I, I snuck around, I accidentally knocked a candle over, and the whole, just, I'm so sorry! Can you ever forgive me?"
(Edie takes her hand back. Then, she throws Martha's ashes in Susan's face.) 
Edie: "Row me back. Now."
(Susan coughs a plume of gray ash.)
[Mr. Shaw's House]
(Mike and the Mr. Shaw are sitting on his porch.) 
Mike: "I'm sorry about before, shoving you, I didn't mean to."
(Mr. Shaw laughs.) 
Mr. Shaw: "I'm not going to break. I'm sorry too, for questioning your commitment, your guts. I know better than that." 
Mike: "Yeah, you should. I keep this with me, all the time. To remind me why I'm there."
(He hands Mr. Shaw a wrinkled photograph of a young Mike with a beautiful woman.) 
Mr. Shaw: "If it turns out someone hurt her, I want them dead." 
Mike: "We need to be sure before we do anything." 
Mr. Shaw: "Well, when you're sure. I know I can trust you to take care of it. After all, you already killed for her once."
[Gabrielle's House]
(Carlos is vacuuming the house. Gabrielle comes down the stairs, blows him a kiss, and then walks out. Carlos waits till she's gone, then turns off the vacuum and goes over to the phone and dials a number.) 
Carlos: "Yes, is this the pharmacy? My wife asked me to call. She lost her prescription. Gabrielle Solis. Yeah, the birth control pills."
(As he continues talking, it becomes a voiceover for what Carlos begins doing.) 
Carlos: "Great. she'll be very relieved. Can she get enough for several months? Yeah, that's right, better safe than sorry. Thanks a lot. Oh, do you guys deliver?"
(Carlos removes the pills from a prescription bag and very carefully, slits open the package. Then, he methodically replaces them with something else.) 
[Susan's House, outside]
(Edie's car pulls up and stops outside Susan's house.) 
Susan: "Edie, please talk to me."
(Edie looks away and says nothing.) 
Susan: "I've been thinking about this for the last ninety miles and you don't have to forgive me. You can go to the police, kick me, you can burn my house down. You just have to know that I am so racked with guilt, I don't think it's possible for me to suffer any more than I'm already suffering." 
Edie: "Boy, I'd like to put that theory to the test." 
Susan: "Well, whatever you want to do, Edie, just know that I'm sorry."
(Susan gets out of the car and walks slowly up her walkway. Edie gets out of the car and leans against it to call out to Susan.) 
Edie: "I'm not going to the police." 
Susan: "You're not?" 
Edie: "No. The insurance company will just want to investigate, and it will delay my check." 
Susan: "Thank you." 
Edie: "But-"
(She closes her car door and walks around the car to meet Susan.) 
Edie: "There is something I want you to do for me." 
Susan: "Of course, anything. Uh, you name it! What?" 
Edie: "I want to be invited to your poker game." 
Susan: "Our poker games?" 
Edie: "I'm not saying that I'll go. And I'm not saying that you and your little friends have to be nice to me. But, every once in a while, yeah! It'd be nice to be asked." 
Susan: "Well, we meet on Tuesdays, and it's potluck lunch. Everybody has to bring something." 
Edie: "I'm not bringing anything." 
Susan: "Oh, you don't have to. Well, this is good. Thank you. I guess I should go take a shower and wash Mrs. Huber off of me." 
Edie: "Hold it. I can't stand the thought of Martha's ashes going down some sewer drain." 
Susan: "Well, Edie, I, I have to clean up." 
Edie: "Well, this is such a beautiful lawn. We could put her to rest right here!" 
Susan: "On my front lawn?" 
Edie: "Why not? She could spend all of eternity looking at her house, and keep an eye on the neighborhood. she'd like that. Stand over here, I'll hose you off." 
Susan: "I don't think so." 
Edie: "You owe me!"
(Susan slowly walks onto the lawn.) 
Edie: "Martha, I'm gonna miss you."
(Edie hoses her down.) 
[Mrs. Huber's House]
(Felicia is looking at a flier advertising the disappearance of Mrs. Martha Huber.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Death is inevitable. It's a promise made to each of us at birth. But before that promise is kept, we all hope something will happen to us."
(Felicia crumples the flier and throws it away.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Whether it is the thrill of romance..."
(Carlos and Gabrielle are kissing on their couch, and he reclines her.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"The joy of raising a family..."
(Lynette is trying to yoga, and three boys go running by, one bumps her. )
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Or the anguish of great loss..."
(Mike is looking at the photograph again.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"We all hope to experience something that make our lives meaningful."
(Mr. Shaw is looking at a photograph of a young woman.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"But the sad fact is, not all lives have meaning."
(We see George walk into his house. He turns on the TV and sits down in an easy chair, pulling a TV dinner towards him.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Some people spend their time on this planet just sitting on the sidelines..."
(The TV is showing a copy of the security recording from the pharmacy. It shows Bree making a purchase.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...waiting for something to happen to them, before it's too late."
~ The End ~




Desperate Housewives
1X13 - Your Fault
------------------------------------------------------------
Mary Alice Voiceover:previously on "desperate housewives"...
Bree:Were you with a woman?
George: He cheated on you.You said you were going to hate him forever.
Bree:You shouldn't listen to a woman who's just had her heart broken.
Mary Alice Voiceover:Sometimes ending a relationship...
George: I don't care what we call it.I just want to be with you.
Bree:I don't think that would be wise.
Mary Alice Voiceover:...can be very hard.
Gabrielle: I'm the one who was sleeping with your son.But, Helen, it's over now.
Mary Alice Voiceover:But keeping secrets...
Helen Rowland:It's not even close to being over.
Mary Alice Voiceover:...is even harder.
Julie:I'm not sure I understand what you're saying.
Zach:I killed my baby sister.
[A car drives down Wisteria Lane. It pulls into Susan's driveway and we see that it's Susan. She looks over at Lynette's house, where Lynette is lecturing her boys on the front lawn.] 
Lynette: "...okay, your 30 seconds is up now. Get back here, get back here, get back here. I want the toys picked up. How many times do I have to tell you, pick up your toys! You want a spanking? Is that what you want?"
(The boys shout back at her.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"There is a look that parents of well behaved children, give to the parents of the not so well behaved..."
Lynette: "Porter, don't you dare look at me like that. I will wipe that smirk right off your face. And don't think that I won't..." 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"A look that says 'You should learn to control your kids.'"
(Lynette catches sight of Susan looking over at her and trails off.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...after all, they're your responsibility."
(Lynette smiles and gives Susan an embarrassed shrug. Susan gets her groceries out of her car and walks to her front door.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Of course, it was easy for Susan to feel smug with a daughter like Julie. She always brought home straight A's."
(Flashback to a grinning Julie showing Susan her report card.) 
Susan (squeals): "Oh, you did it again!"
Mary Alice Voiceover:"She was helpful around the house."
(Flashback to Julie pulling a Christmas tree out of the front door to the end of the driveway after Christmas.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"She was bright, affectionate, and considerate of others."
(Julie sits on the curb, consoling the mailman, with mail strewn everywhere. Julie turns her head to look at Susan next to a turned over pink bicycle, with a letter caught in the spokes of the front wheel.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"To her mother's way of thinking, Julie was the perfect child. Unfortunately, Susan was about to discover that no such creature existed."
(Susan looks in the window of the door and sees Zach and Julie kissing. She opens the door.) 
Julie: "Mom!" 
Susan: "What is going on here? Were you just kissing my daughter?" 
Zach: "I...uh...a little." 
Susan: "What are you thinking?" 
Julie: "Mom, calm down." 
Susan: "She's only fourteen!" 
Zach: "Yeah, I should, I should probably be going." 
Susan: "You think?"
(Susan hands Zach his glasses.) 
Zach: "See you Friday."
(He leaves and Susan turns to Julie.) 
Susan: "What is he talking about? What's happening on Friday?" 
Julie: "He's taking me to the school dance." 
Susan: "Oh, no he's not." 
Julie: "Mom, I know you saw us kissing, but you've got to chill now." 
Susan: "Don't tell me to chill, I have no intentions of chilling." 
Julie: "Whatever. I'm taking out the trash." 
Susan: "You're not going, you're going to stay here and talk about this." 
Julie: "I'm not going to talk to you while you're freaking out." 
Susan: "Just so we're clear, you are not allowed to see him anymore."
(Susan follows Julie outside, still arguing with her, as Julie walks to the trash can.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"There is also a look that parents of not so well behaved children give to parents like Susan."
Julie: "Fine!"
(She drops the trash on the ground next to the trash car and storms inside. Susan looks up and sees Lynette standing on her own lawn, watching.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"It says 'welcome to the club'"
(Lynette tilts her head and gives a smile.) 
Credits
[Outside Paul's House]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Suburbia is a place filled with responsible people trying to live responsible lives."
(Paul is shown bringing in the trash, and then painting his fence.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Of course, even the most responsible among us, has mistakes in their past."
(Focus in on Gabrielle's house and Carlos inside, reading a magazine on the couch.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Mistakes they'd like to forget. Mistakes that sometimes come back to haunt them."
(Gabrielle walks by the couch holding an open peanut butter jar with a spoon in it, then hears a car door slam. She looks out the window and sees the parents of John walking towards her house.) 
Gabrielle: "I'm gonna go get the mail."
(Gabrielle quickly walks out of the house carrying the peanut butter.) 
Gabrielle: "Helen, uh, what are you doing here?" 
Helen: "Hello, Gabrielle. I don't believe you've met my husband, Bob." 
Gabrielle: "Hi! So nice to meet you."
(She reaches out to shake his hand, and then holds it and starts dragging him along away from the windows in her house.) 
Bob Rowland: "Um, we, uh, came to talk to you about our son." 
Gabrielle: "I haven't seen John in weeks. He's called and left messages, but I haven't returned any. It's over, I swear." 
Helen Rowland: "We're not here about that. We need you to do something for us." 
Gabrielle: "Oh, okay." 
Bob Rowland: "John surprised us last night when he announced he was turning down his college scholarship." 
Helen Rowland: "Instead, he's decided to expand his gardening business. Mow lawns full time." 
Gabrielle: "Well, why, uh, why would he do that?" 
Helen Rowland: "We don't know why. Do you think we'd be talking to you if we did?" 
Bob Rowland: "You'll have to forgive my wife. She's still upset over the whole, um..." 
Helen Rowland: "Statutory rape thing." 
Bob Rowland: "Helen!" 
Gabrielle: "What do you want me to do?" 
Bob Rowland: "He's refusing to talk to us. If you could just convince him that he's making a big mistake..." 
Gabrielle: "John and I made a clean break. I think it's best if we just keep our distance." 
Bob Rowland: "Please. Last week he turned eighteen and moved out of the house. We're stuck." 
Gabrielle: "I'm sorry. I, I'm so sorry, I just can't handle this right now. I have my own personal things going on. My life is falling apart." 
Helen Rowland: "I don't care." 
Bob Rowland: "Helen." 
Helen Rowland: "We haven't gone to the police about what you did. That can easily change." 
Gabrielle: "I'll see what I can do." 
Helen Rowland: "Good."
(They start to leave. )
Bob Rowland: "So nice to meet you!"
(Gabrielle gives an automatic smile. Helen clears her throat and glares at Bob, who follows her.) 
[Lynette's House]
(Lynette stands on a ladder that's propped against the side of the house up to the roof. The two twins stand on the sidewalk, looking up, watching her.) 
Lynette: "You can do this, all right? Just, just scootch down a few inches, and I'll grab you." 
Parker (sitting on the roof): "No, you'll drop me!" 
Lynette: "I'm not gonna drop you. I might strangle you for climbing up here in the first place. But drop you, no. Come on!"
(The car that has just pulled up to the sidewalk honks its horn. A man climbs out of the car and walks toward Preston and Porter, who rush at him. He gives them big hugs as Tom gets out of the car.) 
Lynette: "Okay. Just wait."
(She begins climbing down the ladder.) 
Tom: "Look who I found wandering around the airport!" 
Lynette: "Hey, Rodney!" 
Tom: "Is Parker back up on the roof?" 
Lynette: "Yep." 
Tom: "See if he can find that frisbee while he's up there." 
Lynette: "Yeah, I'm gonna get right on that." 
Rodney: "Oh! How's my favorite girl?"
(They hug.) 
Lynette: "I'm so happy to see you. It's such a shame that Alison couldn't make it." 
Rodney: "Oh, just another business trip for the wandering salesman. She'd be bored to tears."
(He looks up at the roof where Parker is sitting.) 
Rodney: "Hey, Parker! Come on, aren't you going to give me a hug?"
(Parker shakes his head no.) 
Rodney: "It's grandpa!"
(He holds open his arms.) 
Lynette: "Don't take it personally. He's scared to climb down." 
Rodney: "Oh, can I give it a shot?" 
Lynette: "Uh, yeah, sure, knock yourself out! Be careful."
(Rodney climbs up the ladder.) 
Rodney: "Parker. I've got a question for you. It's only one, but it's kinda an important question. A character defining question, actually. Wanna hear it?" 
Parker: "Mm-hmm." 
Rodney: "Only a little girl would be afraid to come down the ladder. Now, you're not a little girl, are you?"
(Lynette's expression changes like she can't believe what she's hearing.) 
Rodney: "I'm not looking at a little girly girl, am I?"
(Rodney cocks his head and looks quizzically at Parker. Lynette cocks her head and her expression changes to disbelief.) 
(A few minutes later, Rodney climbs down the ladder with Parker on his back. )
Lynette: "Are you okay?"
(Rodney, breathing hard with Parker on his back, jogs into the house as Tom comes out.) 
Tom (to Rodney): "Wow, you got him down!" (to Lynette) "How'd he do that?" 
Lynette: "Sexism."
[Bree's House]
(Bree and Rex sit opposite each other at the dining room table. There are six lawyers at the table with them, three on each side.) 
Bree's Lawyer: "Let's start off by addressing the division of assets." 
Rex's Lawyer: "Well, we're not prepared to discuss either the primary residence or the retirement plans at this time." 
Bree's Lawyer: "Are you prepared to discuss the cars, the antiques?" 
Rex's Lawyer: "I'd like to start by discussing the country club membership. Access to the facilities is integral to Dr. Van de Kamp's medical practice here..." 
Rex: "What are we doing here?" 
Rex's Lawyer: "I'm sorry, Rex?" 
Rex: "I'm talking to my wife. Surrounded by lawyers, dividing up our stuff? I don't want this. I thought I did, but I don't. Maybe we should talk this over before it's too late. What do you say, Bree? Should we send the vultures home?"
(There's a long pause as Bree looks at Rex. Then she turns to her lawyer.) 
Bree: "I want to keep the club membership. Rex is terrible at tennis. And he hates buffets." 
Bree's Lawyer: "Okay. If you'll turn to page two of our proposed settlement, you'll find our prioritized list." Rex's Lawyer: "Right."
[Paul's House]
(Paul sits down in a chair, smiling.) 
Paul: "They were kissing, huh?" 
Susan: "Right at my kitchen table." 
Paul: "You must have shocked the hell out of them."
(He laughs.) 
Susan: "Well, I'm glad you can laugh about this." 
Paul: "They're just being kids." 
Susan: "This is easy for you. You're the father of the boy. I'm the mother of the girl. You know, if things get out of hand..."
[In the next room, Zach comes quietly up to the closed door and listens.] 
Paul: "Now, what is it that you want from me?" 
Susan: "Well, I want to know that I am not the only one who is worried about this, and I want to know that if the two of them are over here, that they are going to be supervised, and I really want you to stop looking at me like I'm crazy." 
Paul: "The only reason I'm smiling is because it's practically irrelevant. I've sold the house." 
Susan: "Really!"
(Very quietly, Zach opens the door and peeks his head in.) 
Paul: "Mm-hmm. We'll be moving at the end of the month." 
Zach: "You sold the house?" 
Paul: "Zach..." 
Zach: "Why didn't you tell me about this?" 
Paul: "I wanted to wait until it was official." 
Zach: "But you told me when I got back from Silvercrest that you'd reconsidered. You lied to me." 
Paul: "I think you need to take your medicine." 
Zach: "What, you think pumping me full of drugs is gonna keep me quiet?" 
Paul: "Upstairs, now!" 
Zach: "You don't care about me, and you didn't care about mom! You know what? I wish she had shot you instead!"
(He leave the room.) 
Susan: "So you're moving! We're all going to miss you."
[Outside Lynette's House]
(Lynette drives her car into her driveway, talking to her kids.) 
Lynette: "In the future, checklist means 'is it in the car' not like, 'do you remember', okay?"
Mary Alice Voiceover:"The next morning, before Parker Scavo's Little League game had even begun..."
(Lynette stops the car and Parker runs out of the car. Lynette quickly follows.) 
Parker: "Okay!" 
Lynette (to herself): "I'm not the one who forgot my mitt."
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...a major player was about to be tagged out."
(They enter the house. Parker runs upstairs while Lynette walks through the living room. She stops suddenly when Rodney and a woman both peek their heads over the couch from where they were lying.) 
Lynette: "Hi." 
Rodney: "Hi. I thought you guys were at practice." 
Lynette: "Oh, Parker, um, forgot his catcher's mitt." 
Rodney: "Uh, Lynette, this is Lois McDaniel. She's one of my major suppliers in the area. She's a paper products manufacturer." 
Lynette: "Oh."
(Lynette goes around the couch to shake hands and trips over Lois's high heels, lying off to the side.) 
Lynette: "Uh, it's nice to meet you." 
Lois: "It's nice to meet you, too. You have a lovely home." 
Lynette: "Thank you." 
Rodney: "Just working out, uh, some of these new contracts."
(Lois turns towards Rodney as he talks and quickly buttons up parts of her blouse that were open. Regardless of having her back turned to Lynette, Lynette can tell what she's doing.) 
Rodney: "Hammering out some of the little things, the minor details, overhead, shipping costs."
(Parker comes running into the room, holding a pair of stockings.) 
Parker: "Mommy, look what I found!" 
Lois: "I'm sorry. These are mine. Thank you. They must have fallen out of my purse."
(Lynette stares accusingly at Rodney while Lois puts them back in her purse.) 
Lynette: "Well, um, we don't want to be late for the game. Nice to meet you!"
(She herds Parker out, but not before glaring back at Rodney.) 
[Bree's House]
(Bree is cleaning up the kitchen, Rex walks in.) 
Rex: "Hey!" 
Bree: "I'm not speaking to you." 
Rex: "Didn't like the settlement talks, huh?" 
Bree: "You only demanded the good china because you know I love it." 
Rex: "You take our timeshare in Aspen, and I'm vindictive? Come on! You'll hardly ever use that place!" 
Bree: "Hardly? How about never!" 
Rex: "I mean, fine. When I move out, I'm going to use your good china for take-out food. Yeah. Pizza, spare ribs..." 
Bree: "You know what? At our next settlement talks, I plan on asking for your golf clubs!" 
Rex: "Isn't divorce fun?"
(Bree looks at her watch.) 
Bree: "It's time for your heart medication." 
Rex: "You know I meant what I said at that meeting. I will fire my lawyer tomorrow, just give me the word." 
Bree: "Sweetie, I think it's too late." 
Rex: "Why?" 
Bree: "Because you were unfaithful." 
Rex: "But, if you could find a way to forgive me, if we could find a way to be happy, wouldn't you want that?" 
Bree (exhales): "You know what I really truly want? Revenge. I mean, if somehow we could level the playing field, then, um, maybe I could find a way to come back." 
Rex (laughs): "So what does that mean? You want to have an affair?"
(They look at each other. Bree doesn't answer.) 
Rex: "Okay, uh, who are we talking about here? The dopey pharmacist?" 
Bree: "Would that hurt you Rex? If I slept with another man?" 
Rex: "It would devastate me."
(They look at each other again. And then Bree hands him a glass of water.) 
Bree: "Here you go." 
Rex: "Bree. You, you can't possibly..." 
Bree: "Rex. Time to take your medicine."
(Rex quickly throws the pills in his mouth and then drinks from the glass of water, frowning, as he watches Bree walk out of the kitchen.) 
[Susan's House, Nighttime]
(Susan puts a tea kettle filled with water on the stove when the phone rings. She starts walking toward it when Julie shouts from upstairs.) 
Julie: "I got it!"
(Susan hesitates, then picks up the phone.) 
Julie: "...she doesn't hate you. My mom just worries." 
Zach: "She thinks I'm crazy." 
Julie's voice: "No, she doesn't. Well, maybe a little." 
Zach: "You didn't tell her what I told you, did you, about what happened to Dana?" 
Julie: "Zach, I can keep a secret. I promise I will never tell her."
(The tea kettle starts whistling.) 
Zach: "What's that noise?"
(Susan quickly hangs up the phone.) 
[Diner]
(Bree sitting alone in the diner. A waitress pours her coffee and walks away. George enters the diner, sees her, and pauses. He fingers a knife on the empty table he's passing by, then puts a smile on his face and walks up to her.) 
Bree: "Hi! Wha-What are you doing here?" 
George: "I was walking outside, and I saw you in the window. I was surprised. I never thought of you as a diner person." 
Bree: "I'm not. The coffee is just dreadful. Well, it's late, and I needed to get out of the house, and it was the only place still open." 
George: "I didn't mean to interrupt."
(He starts to walk away.) 
Bree: "George, would you like to join me for a dreadful cup of coffee?"
(Later, Bree and George are both sitting in the booth, talking.) 
Bree: "It was my first week in college, and I went to a meeting of the young Republicans where Rex gave a speech, and I went up to him afterward and introduced myself, and I told him that I agreed with his stance on the death penalty. He took me out to a diner, and we, uh, stayed up till two in the morning talking about big government, gun control and illegal immigration. Ah. It was just--it was just such a magical night, and I knew, by the time he got me back to my dorm, that one day I was going to be Mrs. Rex Van de Kamp." 
George: "Wow." 
Bree: "And even now, you know, after the betrayal, I, I know that we're supposed to be together. But I don't know how I can be with someone I don't trust." 
George: "So, what are you gonna do?" 
Bree: "That I don't know. What do you think I should do?" 
George: "You're asking me?" 
Bree: "Oh, I should not have done that. I am..." 
George: "No, no. It's okay." 
Bree: "No, George, it's not okay. It was insensitive. I know how you feel about me, and I..." 
George: "Bree, I want to help." 
Bree: "Thank you." 
George: "So, does he love you?" 
Bree: "Yes." 
George: "Is he a good person?" 
Bree: "Aside from the adultery, yes." 
George: "Then it's easy. If I could get a good person to love me, I would find a way to forgive them." 
Bree: "You are such a special man, George Williams. And you deserve such a special woman." 
George: "I think so."
(Under the table, his hand clenches into a fist, squeezing hard on his pants.) 
(Later, Bree arrives home and hangs up her coat. She looks over at the couch, where Rex is sleeping. She quietly goes up the stairs. On the couch, Rex lies on his side, his eyes open. Once Bree has left, he rolls over and looks at the clock. Almost 2 AM.) 
[Lynette's House]
(Rodney takes a bagel out of the toaster oven and tries to put butter on it quickly. As he's leaving the kitchen, he runs into Lynette and heaves a sigh.) 
Lynette: "Where are you going?" 
Rodney: "Oh, I thought I'd just eat this in my room." 
Lynette: "You know, the house isn't that big, Rodney. You're going to have to stop avoiding me." 
Rodney: "Okay, okay. Lois isn't a supplier." 
Lynette (sarcastic emphasis): "Really..." 
Rodney: "And I want to apologize. I, I thought you and the kids were going to be gone all afternoon. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" 
Lynette: "Well, for starters, you can wipe that disgusting smirk off your face." 
Rodney: "Lynette!" 
Lynette: "How could you do something like this to Alison?" 
Rodney: "I don't know. I don't know, it happens a little bit at a time. Years go by, the kids burn you out, I'm on the road so much, we just drifted apart. It's complicated." 
Lynette: "It's not complicated. It's completely irresponsible." 
Rodney: "For years, I have stayed married to a woman that I don't love because I made a vow to God. So don't talk to me about responsibilities!" 
Lynette: "But your take on this is you're the victim?" 
Rodney: "Oh, I can see that, uh, we're just going to have to agree to disagree."
(He picks up the bagel to leave.) 
Lynette: "We're not done here." 
Rodney: "Oh yeah, we are! Cause my sex life is my own business. Not yours. And there's nothing you can do about it anyway."
[Later...Rodney sits on the sidewalk next to a briefcase, a suitcase, and a luggage bag.] 
(Tom drives by, pulls into the driveway, gets out, and walks over to him.) 
Tom: "Dad, what are you doing?" 
Rodney: "I don't want to talk about it." 
Tom: "Talk about what? Does Lynette know you're out here?" 
Rodney: "Oh yeah, she knows. Could you drive me to the airport?" 
Tom: "Wait here."
(He goes inside.) 
(We see two empty glasses on the counter as Tom walks in the house. Lynette fills them with scotch as Tom calls out to her.) 
Tom: "Lynette?" 
Lynette: "Yeah..." 
Tom: "Why is my dad sitting out on the curb?" 
Lynette: "Because I kicked him out of the house." 
Tom: "I see. You want to tell me why?" 
Lynette: "Hold on. I made you a drink." 
Tom: "Oh God, what did he do?" 
Lynette: "Yesterday, I came home, and I walked in on your dad with a woman. He's having an affair. I am so, so sorry. I know. Are you okay?"
(She puts her hands on the sides of his face to console him. Tom pulls away and turns around.) 
Tom: "Yeah, um, I should go talk to him." 
Lynette: "That's it?" 
Tom: "What?" 
Lynette: "I just, I expected a bigger reaction. I've been sitting here with knots in my stomach." 
Tom: "Okay, look, I never mentioned this before, because I knew how you'd react, but, um, I'm not that surprised by this. My father's been having affairs for years." 
Lynette: "You knew about this?" 
Tom: "Yeah."
(Lynette gasps.) 
Tom: "Kind of. I mean, it was mostly in the past. I mean, I didn't know that he was still at it. I mean, I figured he was getting too old. In some strange way, I'm actually impressed, you know?" 
Lynette: "Impressed? Impressed? I-Tom, please, please don't tell me you're all right with this!" 
Tom: "I'm not! No! No! He should never have brought that woman over here!" 
Lynette: "No, he should never have been with her in the first place!" 
Tom: "I know, I know! But you know, that's who he is, and I mean, it's been going on for years. My mom's made peace with it." 
Lynette: "I seriously doubt that." 
Tom: "Look, you know, there's no point in talking about this. But, I'm going to go get my father, I'm going to bring him back in here, I'm going to put him in his room, and we can all just cool off." 
Lynette: "That man is not coming back in this house." 
Tom: "Yes, he is!" 
Lynette: "No, he's not." 
Tom: "Lynette. He is my father. This is my house. You can't tell me what to do."
(Lynette cocks her head and looks at him.) 
[Later...]
(Tom and Rodney sit on the curb together.) 
Rodney: "I say we go up there and kick the door down." 
Tom: "Yeah, Dad, you do that. Let me know how that works out for you."
[John's Apartment]
(Gabrielle walks up to door 23 and knocks. A teenage boy opens it.) 
Gabrielle: "Hi, um, I don't know if I have the right address. Does John Rowland live here?"
(A few minutes later, John herds Gabrielle into his room and closes the door behind them.) 
John: "I'm really glad you came by. I was gonna call you again tomorrow." 
Gabrielle: "Uh, yeah, I'm, I'm sorry I haven't returned any of your calls." 
John: "It's okay. I'm just happy to see you. I heard about Mr. Solis. It sucks you had to take a job." 
Gabrielle: "Yeah, well, you know me, I'll survive." 
John: "Come here."
(He pulls her into an embrace. She hugs him, her hand on his back. When she pulls away, he goes to kiss her, and she pulls back further.) 
Gabrielle: "Oh, no. John. I, uh, I didn't come here for that." 
John: "What's wrong?" 
Gabrielle: "Well, I heard that you're going full time with your gardening business. What happened to college?" 
John: "I decided not to go." 
Gabrielle: "Why?" 
John: "Well, an opportunity has presented itself, and for me to take advantage of it, I need to start making money." 
Gabrielle: "John, what opportunity is more important than college?" 
John: "For the longest time, the only thing I had to offer you was my heart. Mr. Solis gave you security, and I couldn't compete. But now, he can't even offer you that. And I can. My business is taking off. I can take care of you. We can finally be together."
(John gets up and gets something, and then turns around and gets on his knee. He opens up a small black velvet box with a ring.) 
John: "Mrs. Solis, will you marry me?"
[Susan's House]
(Julie opens up a jewelry box and takes out a pair of earrings. She turns to Susan, who's standing in the doorway.) 
Julie: "Please. Why else would you want to chaperone the dance?" 
Susan: "Mrs. Van de Kamp needed volunteers. She begged me." 
Julie: "You're so transparent." 
Susan: "Anyway, you won't even know I'm there."
(Julie looks at her.) 
Susan: "Well, not too much. Julie, you know you can tell me anything, right?" 
Julie: "Yeah, mom." 
Susan: "So if you had a problem, or some sort of secret was weighing on you..." 
Julie: "Of course! I tell you everything."
(She turns away.) 
[Paul's House]
(Zach puts on a tie while looking into a mirror. Paul is behind him.) 
Zach: "You know, I can't believe you're just uprooting us like this." 
Paul: "We need a fresh start. Here."
(Paul helps Zach with his tie.) 
Paul: "You want to get it about like this." 
Zach: "So many bad things have happened around here. Finally I have someone I can talk to. It's like you want to take that away." 
Paul: "You mean Julie?" 
Zach: "Yeah." 
Paul: "What bad things do you talk to her about? Do you talk to her about your mother? 
Zach: "Yeah, and other stuff." 
Paul: "Like what?"
(No answer.) 
Paul: "Zach, like what?" 
Zach: "Dad, this is what I've been trying to talk to you about. Okay, ever since mom died, I've, I've started to remember things. Just quick flashes, from when I was little." 
Paul: "Nice and taut like this. What kind of things?" 
Zach: "Lots of blood. Mom screaming. And Dana."
(Paul's hands still while fixing Zach's tie.) 
Zach: "I remember killing Dana." 
Paul: "You told this to Julie?" 
Zach: "I trust her." 
Paul: "Did she tell her mother?" 
Zach: "I don't know." 
Paul: "Start from the beginning. I want you to tell me everything that you told Julie."
[High School Gym]
(Students are dancing to the music. Zach walks through the crowd with a corsage in his hand. He finds Julie and walks up to her.) 
Julie: "Hey! What's that?" 
Zach: "Oh, well, I was going to give it to you, but I saw that the other girls weren't wearing flowers. I guess it's not that kind of dance. If you don't want to stand out, I'd understand." 
Julie: "I like standing out."
(She holds out her wrist and Paul puts the flowers on her. They smile at each other.) 
At the punch table, Bree sways to the music as she pours punch. Susan stands next to her, watching Paul.) 
Susan: "What's Paul doing here?" 
Bree: "Oh, he's chaperoning. He called a couple of hours ago and volunteered." 
Susan: "Really?" 
Bree: "Why, what's wrong?" 
Susan: "Well, the other day he could have cared less about Julie and Zach dating, and now, all of a sudden, he shows up at the dance?" 
Bree: "Maybe he's just trying to be supportive." 
Susan: "Maybe."
[Pharmacy]
(Rex walks up to the counter. George gives him a big smile.) 
George: "Dr. Van de Kamp." 
Rex: "Hello, George. My cardiologist phoned in a prescription." 
George: "Oh, right, right. I've got it here somewhere."
(He turns around and begins searching through the prescriptions behind him.) 
Rex: "So, have you seen Bree lately?" 
George: "Yeah, I ran into her last night at the diner on Maple Avenue. We had a nice talk." 
Rex: "That's all you did? Just talk?" 
George: "We're just friends, Dr. Van de Kamp. Nothing more." 
Rex: "That's good to hear. You know, if you ever do get a vibe from Bree that's she's interested in more than just friendship, I'd be careful if I were you." 
George: "Excuse me?" 
Rex: "I just want you to know that she's only be using you to even the score with me. Don't fall for it." 
George: "Bree would never do anything like that. She's a lady." 
Rex: "Exactly. A very beautiful, classy lady. Remember, they tend to end up with doctors, not pharmacists." 
George: "Bree is very beautiful, and very classy, but she's not very perceptive. For instance, she thinks you're a good person, and it is now very clear to me you aren't." 
Rex: "I'd like my prescription now, George."
(George rifles through the bags in front of him, stopping when he sees the right one.) 
George: "I can't seem to find it. I guess I'll have to have it delivered." 
Rex: "Thank you." 
George: "No, thank you."
(Rex leaves and George rips open the bag, opens the bottle, and throws the pills in the trash.) 
[High School Gym]
(The song "Dust in the Wind" is playing. Paul walks around the gym. Susan pours punch for a student when Paul walks up to her.) 
Susan: "Paul." 
Paul: "Did you notice? They're playing a classic." 
Susan: "Yeah." 
Paul: "Care to dance?" 
Susan: "I'd love to."
(They begin dancing.) 
Susan: "I have a little confession to make." 
Paul: "Oh?" 
Susan: "I've been so concerned about Julie lately that I sort of eavesdropped on her the other day when she was having a phone conversation with Zach." 
Paul: "Really?" 
Susan: "They were having a very interesting conversation." 
Paul: "About?" 
Susan: "Zach was telling Julie about what happened to Dana." 
Paul: "Was he now?" 
Susan: "Yes." 
Paul: "How much did you hear?" 
Susan: "Everything." 
Paul: "You realize it was an accident." 
Susan: "Oh, of course. I assumed as much." 
Paul: "He didn't mean to kill Dana. He was practically a baby himself. He didn't understand what he was doing." 
Susan: "No, of course he didn't. So, what happened exactly?" 
Paul: "Mary Alice and I never really knew. We heard the baby screaming. By the time we got up to the crib, it was too late." 
Susan: "Paul, I am so sorry." 
Paul: "Thank you."
(He adjusts his hand and puts it on her lower back, pulling her close.) 
Susan: "So you and Mary Alice just kept this to yourselves all these years?" 
Paul: "It was a very dark chapter in our lives. We preferred not to relive it. It was also a private family matter. I'd appreciate your discretion." 
Susan: "Sure."
(They continue dancing.) 
(Later, Paul and Zach walk to their car.) 
Paul: "Did you have a good time?" 
Zach: "Yeah, I did. It was great. Look, I want you to know that I'm really sorry I talked to Julie. But she did promise me that she wasn't going to say anything to her mom." 
Paul: "It's okay. I handled Susan." 
Zach: "Good." 
Paul: "But we need to talk about these things that you think you remember. They're not true." 
Zach: "How can they not be true?" 
Paul: "Memories lie, Zach. You didn't kill anyone. Dana is very much alive."
[Outside Gabrielle's House]
(Gabrielle pulls into her driveway. As soon as she opens her door, Helen and Bob Rowland emerge from their own parked car across the street and head briskly over to Gabrielle. Gabrielle shoots a quick look at her house to make sure Carlos isn't coming out.) 
Gabrielle: "Hi, what are you doing here?" 
Helen Rowland: "Where is it?" 
Gabrielle: "What?" 
Helen: "The ring, Gabrielle. My grandmother's ring!" 
Gabrielle: "John caught me off guard. Obviously I'm going to give back the ring." 
Helen: "Well, you better, because make no mistake, if you try to ruin my son's life, I will ruin yours!" 
Bob Rowland: "Helen, okay, go to the car! Come on, please, just, please..." 
Gabrielle: "Obviously, I'm not leaving my husband and marrying John." 
Bob Rowland: "Well, I think that's wise." 
Gabrielle: "I'll talk to John tomorrow and give back the ring." 
Bob Rowland: "Okay, good, good. We appreciate everything you've done."
(He turns to go.) 
Gabrielle: "Hey, Bob! I get why she's so angry with me, but, what I don't get is, why you're so nice." 
Bob Rowland: "Well, John's a big boy. Whatever happened between the two of you is his mistake as much as yours." 
Gabrielle: "I guess. I understand if, uh, you hate me just a little."
(Bob looks over at Helen, sitting in the car and watching them closely.) 
Bob Rowland: "When I was a kid, I always played by the rules. I never cheated on a test, never even missed a curfew. But I can't help but think how wonderful it would have been to have made at least one mistake like you." 
Gabrielle: "That's sweet, you're, you're very sweet." 
Bob Rowland: "Hmmm...I'm a little sweet. Mostly I'm just middle-aged."
(He turns and leaves.) 
[Outside Paul's House]
(Paul pulls into his driveway and he and Zach get out of the car.) 
Paul: "Are you okay? I know this is a lot to digest all at once." 
Zach: "I'm fine. I'm just happy you finally told me the truth. One thing though. Why are you telling me all this now?" 
Paul: "I couldn't let you keep thinking that you killed someone. No one should carry that kind of burden." 
Zach: "Or you just didn't want me running my mouth." 
Paul: "That's not what it's about." 
Zach: "Yes, it is. I won't tell anyone. I'll keep your secret. Dad." 
Paul: "Thank you." 
Zach: "But we're not moving." 
Paul: "That's out of the question." 
Zach: "Well, I'm not leaving Julie, and if you want my support, that's the deal." 
Paul: "And if I refuse?" 
Zach: "You won't."
(He smiles and goes inside the house.) 
[Lynette's House]
(Tom gets into bed and gets comfortable with a magazine. Lynette, sitting up against the headboard, watches him.) 
Lynette: "So here's the thing, I feel really awful about how I acted before." 
Tom: "For God's sake, Lynette, you threw me out of my own house." 
Lynette: "I overreacted, I know. I'm sorry." 
Tom: "Look, I know you love my mom, but how she decides to live her life, is, it's entirely up to her." 
Lynette: "You're right. You're right. I guess I just got so upset because - oh, whatever, let's not beat a dead horse, it's over, I'm sorry, good night."
(She kisses him and rolls over and turns off the light, exhaling as she lies down.) 
Tom: "Okay, get it off your chest." 
Lynette: "Well, you knew your father was having an affair, and it didn't seem to bother you that much. And that worries me, because if you can find it in you to condone something like that, then what's gonna happen when you've been on the road for forty years?" 
Tom: "Lynette, I'm not my father!" 
Lynette: "I know, of course. You're not your father."
(She kisses him again. He opens his magazine.) 
Lynette: "And just so we're absolutely clear, I am definitely not your mother, because if you ever betray me, I will leave you. I will take the kids, and I will walk out that door, and you will never see any of us again."
(She exhales loudly.) 
Lynette: "Glad to get that off my chest. Thank you."
(She kisses him again.) 
Lynette: "I love you!"
(She rolls over, missing the worried look on Tom's face.) 
(Later that night, Rodney comes down the stairs and sees Tom sitting at the kitchen table.) 
Grandpa Scavo: "Couldn't sleep, huh?" 
Tom: "No." 
Grandpa Scavo: "Me either. I'm so sorry about the ruckus I caused." 
Tom: "That's okay, I'm not, uh, upset about that." 
Grandpa Scavo: "No?" 
Tom: "No." 
Grandpa Scavo: "What's wrong?" 
Tom: "There's something that Lynette doesn't know about, dad. Something that I did, and I don't know what's going to happen if she ever finds out."
[John's Apartment]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"The next morning, Gabrielle returned the engagement ring to her former lover, a gesture that was met with..."
(A glass shatters in the fireplace.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"... measured enthusiasm."
Gabrielle: "Please, calm down!" 
John: "It just doesn't make any sense. Okay, you love me, I know you love me!" 
Gabrielle: "Love is not enough. Where would we live, here with your roommates? The only decoration in the bathroom is a bong!" 
John: "We could get our own place!" 
Gabrielle: "How? You're barely making minimum wage!" 
John: "Okay, sure. We'd be poor at first, but we'd be happy." 
Gabrielle: "I've tried poor but happy. Guess what. It wasn't that happy." 
John: "Mr. Solis is going to jail. You want to stick around for that?" 
Gabrielle: "I don't know. You know, every once in a while, even I want to do the right thing." 
John: "Mrs. Solis, I love you so much! Doesn't that mean anything to you?" 
Gabrielle: "Honestly, no. John, you're a toy. A sweet, dumb toy, so you might as well go to college, because you and me, no future!"
(John, with reddened eyes, storms past Gabrielle and slams the door. Gabrielle begins crying.) 
[Susan's House, Nighttime]
Zach: "Ms. Mayer! Hey, is Julie home?" 
Susan: "She's in the shower." 
Zach: "Oh. Well, I just came by to give her some good news."
(He pushes past Susan into the house.) 
Susan: "What's that?" 
Zach: "Well, it turns out that my dad and I aren't moving after all." 
Susan: "What?" 
Zach: "Yeah, he reconsidered, so I guess we're going to keep living across the street." 
Susan: "Okay. Wow, uh, wow. You know, uh, can you sit down? I need, uh to talk to you."
(She sits down at the kitchen table. Zach walks over to a small table and picks up the corsage he gave Julie at the dance. He smells the flowers.) 
Zach: "Hey. You know that Julie is the first girl I ever gave a flower to?" 
Susan: "Really." 
Zach: "Yeah. Yeah, I really like her, Ms. Mayer." 
Susan: "Zach, um, Julie is only fourteen years old, and sometimes girls, when they're that age they just don't always make the right decisions. And, um, as her mother, it is my responsibiliity to protect her." 
Zach: "You want to protect her from me?" 
Susan: "No, I, I just, I think that you should slow things down. I, I, I want you to not see her for awhile." 
Zach: "No." 
Susan: "No?" 
Zach: "You're not taking her away from me." 
Susan (chuckles): "Listen, I know being dramatic is the birthright of every teenager, but come on..." 
Zach: "WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING!!??"
(He turns over a table.) 
Zach: "DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?" 
Susan (harshly): "Thank you, Zach. You have just made this really easy for me. You are now forbidden from seeing or talking my daughter ever again! And if you come within ten feet of her, I will call the police, and I will have you arrested! Now get out!" 
(Zach walks to the door. He stares down at the flower he was still holding, drops it on the ground, and then leaves. Susan picks up the flower and looks at it. She closes the door.) 
[John's Apartment]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Sooner or later, the time comes when we all must become responsible adults..."
(John looks at the ring and his father takes it from him, then pats him on the shoulder.) 
[Gabrielle's House]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...and learn to give up what we want, so we can choose to do what is right."
(Gabrielle climbs into bed with Carlos, who gives her a kiss, and then pulls up the covers.) 
[Bree's House]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Of course, a lifetime of responsibility isn't always easy."
(Bree gives Rex a glass of water and his medication from the pharmacy.) 
[Lynette's House]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"And as the years go on, it's a burden that can become too heavy for some to bear."
(Lynette hugs Rodney as Tom leads him out of the house.) 
[Susan's House]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"But still we try to do what is best, what is good."
(Susan, carrying a laundry basket, knocks on Julie's door.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Not only for ourselves, but for those we love."
(She doesn't go in the room, but we see the open window and the curtain blowing.) 
[High School Gym]
(In the darkened gym, Zach paces. The door opens and Julie enters.) 
Julie: "Hey!" 
Zach: "I'm glad you came." 
Julie: "Zach, I can't stay long. If my mom catches me, she'll freak." 
Zach: "Come here."
(He holds out his hand. Julie walks forward and takes it.) 
Julie: "She said I can't see you any more. What are we gonna do?" 
Zach: "I'm not sure."
(They embrace.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes, sooner or later we must all become responsible adults. No one knows this better than the young."
~ The End ~




Desperate Housewives 
1x14 - Love Is In The Air
------------------------------------------------------------
Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives:
Mr.Shaw:If it turns out that someone hurt her,I want them dead.
Mary Alice Voiceover:Sometimes-
Gabrielle:I'm running out of money.In a couple of weeks, I will be screwed.
Mr. Hartley:In that case, you might want to think about looking for a job.
Yao Lin:Huh!
Mary Alice Voiceover:-the answers-
Bree:If you could just tell me what he told you,then I could fix the problem.
Dr. Goldfine: I can't do that.
Mary Alice Voiceover:- to Life's biggest questions-
Mary Alice (tape):I had the nightmare again.
Dr. Goldfine: What do you think the significance of the name Angela is?
Mary Alice (tape):Actually, that's my real name.
Mary Alice Voiceover:- are buried-
Zach:She hasn't even been dead a month,and it's like you totally forgot she ever existed.
Mary Alice Voiceover:- under even bigger lies.
Susan:Zach was telling Julie about what happened to Dana.
Paul:He didn't mean to kill Dana.
[Lynette's House]
(Lynette holds baby Penny up into the air, then brings her close, hugging her. As she turns, she sees her three boys hold up a box with red tissue paper and pink hearts glued haphazardly on it. They grin as they hold it towards her and she stares at it in confusion.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Most mothers will tell you their children are a gift from god. Most mothers would also tell you that the gifts their children give them are less than heavenly."
(Flashback to Lynette hanging up a drawing on the refrigerator, then turning to her boys, who are grinning.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Lynette had suffered through art work made in kindergarten..."
(Flashback to Lynette hanging on the wall a popsicle stick box, then turning to look at her boys, who grin at her.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...spice racks made in summer camp..."
(Flashback to Lynette putting on a homemade necklace.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...and jewelry made at the scout jamboree. But this day, Lynette Scavo received a gift every mother dreams of."
(In present time, Lynette opens the box the boys gave her and pulls out a potted plant, in a beautiful pot.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"One she wasn't embarrassed to display."
Lynette: "Where did you guys get this pot?" 
Twin: "We made it!" 
Lynette: "Really? I love it. Well, this is the nicest present you boys had ever given me, and you know what? I'm gonna put it out on the front porch so the whole neighborhood can enjoy it"
(She sniffs the flowers. Cut to Lynette putting the pot on the front porch.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Lynette knew she's cherish the memory of that moment for the rest of her life. The memory of that moment was ruined the very next day."

(The next day, Lynette looks out her window and sees an older woman looking at the pot. She picks it up, checks the bottom, and then walks off with it. Lynette runs out of the house after her.) 
Lynette: "Mrs. McCluskey, why are you taking my flower pot?" 
Mrs. McCluskey: "Because it's mine. Your boys stole it off of my porch." 
Lynette: "No, no, no. My sons made that for me for Valentine's Day." 
Mrs. McCluskey: "I bought this in Costa Rica on my last cruise. You see?"
(She turns it upside down. The flowering plant falls with a thump onto the ground.) 
Mrs. McCluskey: "Still got the price tag on it."
(She points to the price painted on the bottom.) 
Mrs. McCluskey: "Look. What? Nothing more to say? Cat got your tongue? You listen to me. Keep your brats off my property."
(She walks off.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes, most mothers will tell you their children are a gift from God."
(Lynette turns back to her house, where her three boys are watching. When they catch her eye, they rush inside and close the door.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Most mothers will also tell you there are some days when you wish you could return them."
Credits
[Gabrielle's House]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"It was the day before Valentine's Day and every man on Wisteria Lane was preparing for this most dangerous of holidays. While some purchased romantic cards..."
(Carlos sits on a chair, signing his name to a card.) 
[Bree's House]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...and some brought home candy and flowers..."
Rex walks quietly into the house, holding a large box of candy and flowers and quickly puts them in a hall closet. 
Mike's House
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...and some made dinner reservations at fancy restaurants..."
(Mike talks on the phone.) 
[Lynette's House]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...others managed to forget about the day entirely. Again."
(Tom walks past a calendar and notices that the date for Valentine's Day has been circled. He stares at it in panic, then rushes out the house and gets into his car.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"This flurry of activity was lost on the women of Wisteria Lane. They were busy learning a secret about their neighbors. A secret that was positively heart-breaking."
[Gabrielle's House]
(The four women sit on Gabrielle's porch, sipping drinks.) 
Gabrielle: "So Paul said that Zachary killed Dana?" 
Susan: "Yeah." 
Bree: "Well, it must've been some sort of accident. I mean little boys don't just kill their baby sisters." 
Susan: "Well, whatever it was, that boy is seriously disturbed, and I've forbidden Julie from hanging out with him." 
Lynette (to Bree): "Could you hold her?"
(Lynette hands Bree baby Penny.) 
Lynette: "So this is it! This is the secret that Mary Alice was trying to protect" 
Bree: "Look at the guilt that she must've lived with." 
Gabrielle: "You know, I never thought I'd say this but I kind of feel sorry for Paul." 
Susan: "I wish I could. I still feel like something's not right." 
Gabrielle: "What do you mean?" 
Susan: "Well, we've all been in their house. Have you ever seen a picture of another kid there? I mean, why keep Dana's baby blanket and throw out all the photos?" 
Lynette: "That's a good point." 
Susan: "We've never answered why Mary Alice referred to herself as Angela in that therapy session." 
Bree: "All I know is this: Mary Alice loved Zach more than anything in the world. When you love a child that much..." 
Lynette: "You're capable of doing all sorts of things." 
Bree: "Yeah."
[Paul's House]
(Paul slowly washes dishes in the sink when there's a knock at the door and Felicia Tilman walks in holding a basket of flowers with balloons attached.) 
Felicia: "Hello. These were delivered to my house by mistake. May I? They're for Mary Alice Young." 
Paul: "Oh my god. I uh, had a standing order with the florist. I forgot to cancel it. Mary Alice was my wife. She passed away a few months ago." 
Felicia: "I'm very sorry for your loss." 
Paul: "And I'm sorry for yours." 
Felicia: "Pardon?" 
Paul: "Your sister. Martha?" 
Felicia: "Oh, yes. Her."
(She looks past Paul and sees a photo of Mary Alice and Zach on the wall.) 
Felicia: "Good lord, that's Angela." 
Paul: "What?" 
Felicia: "Angela Forest! We worked together it Utah. It must be 15 years ago." 
Paul: "I'm afraid you're mistaken. My wife's name is Mary Alice and she's never been to Utah." 
Felicia: "Well, I could be mistaken. As I said it's, it's been years."
(She leaves.) 
[Gabrielle's House]
(Gabrielle tosses some earrings into a heart-shaped bowl as she talks on the phone.) 
Gabrielle: "No, Mikki, you're wrong. I wasn't acting like a diva. I left the boat show because that coordinator was making passes at me. It's not my fault."
(She turns around and speaks to Yao Lin, who's scrubbing the floor behind her.) 

Gabrielle: "Yao Lin? You missed a spot. No, spare me the lecture and just book me another job quick. Carlos and I are up to our asses in bills and we can't pay them. Fine. Bye."
(Yao Lin, still on her hands and knees, scrubbing the floor, begins talking in Chinese:"��,����������,��,������Ϊ�Լ����˲�����.") 
Gabrielle: "What did you say?" 
Yao Lin: "Nothing." 
Gabrielle: "Are you gonna clean that spot?" 
Yao Lin: "Which one?" 
Gabrielle: "The one I told you to clean." 
Yao Lin: "I'll get to it." 
Gabrielle: "Clean it now." 
Yao Lin: "Why?" 
Gabrielle: "Because I said so." 
Yao Lin: "Okay, but you've got to say please." 
Gabrielle: "Fine. Please."
(She turns back around and Yao Lin smiles.) 
Gabrielle: "Anything to get you back on your knees scrubbing where you belong."
(Yao Lin stands up.) 
Yao Lin: "You are not better than me." 
Gabrielle: "Excuse me?" 
Yao Lin: "The only reason you have anything in your life is because you're pretty. One day you'll be old, and when that happens you'll be nothing." 
Gabrielle: "You are so fired." 
Yao Lin: "No kidding."
(She walks off.) 
[Outside Mike's House]
(Hands open up an envelope and pull out a Valentine's Day card.) 
Susan: "Ooh. Valentine's Day card. It's pretty."
(Pull back to show Susan and Mike sitting on Mike's front steps. Mike holds the card with Susan looking over his shoulder.) 
Susan: "And meticulously hand painted. Whoever sent you that must really love you."
(Mike opens the card. Inside it reads: "Dear Mike, Be Mine! Love, Susan ?" )
Susan: "...and be loaded with talent." 
Mike: "It's beautiful. Thanks." 
Susan: "So we still on for tomorrow night?" 
Mike: "Oh. Not only are we on, I got reservations at Le Petit Fleur." 
Susan: "Ooh. That place is so pretentious. I've been dying to go there."
(They laugh.) 
(From across the street, they hear Lynette call out.) 
Lynette: "Boys! Get your little fannies inside. Guys?" 
Susan: "Oh, poor Lynette. She doesn't get a new nanny soon, she's gonna implode."
(Mike looks off to the side and then shushs Susan. He gets up and goes around the side of the house. He sees the the three boys, who are hiding next to the house. )
Mike: "Hey guys. Who you hiding from?" 
Twin: "Our mom. She wants to spank us." 
Mike: "Why, did you do something bad?"
(They all nod.) 
Mike: "Well, you know if you hide out too long she'll get worried and then she'll just get madder. You know what I say? Go on home, take your lumps. Decent chance you'll have the rest of the day to play."
(Susan, watching from the corner of the house, smiles.) 
(The boys look convinced and nod.) 
Mike: "Come on, climb aboard. All right!"
(One of the twins jumps on his back for a piggy-back ride, and the others follow. As he walks them past Susan, she comments.) 
Susan: "Pretty impressive." 
Mike: "Oh, I love kids, Can't wait to have my own some day."
(Susan, following behind them, suddenly trips and falls to the ground.) 
[Lynette's]
(At the kitchen table, Lynette moves three Valentine's Day cards off to the side and then begins laying down various objects: a thorny rose, a hard-backed hairbrush, a ping pong paddle, a metal spatula, a long metal ruler, and a belt.) 
Twin: "We don't want to get spanked." 
Twin: "Yeah, we promise we'll be good." 
Lynette: "Too late, you stole and then you lied. Even worse? You made me look bad in front of Mrs. McCluskey, who you know is mommy's sworn enemy. Time to pick your poison. How 'bout a belt? It's a classic."
(The boys shake their heads no.) 
Lynette: "Well, we could go with the old hickory stick. It's a clich��, but it's pretty effective. I know, we'll go with the spatula. The holes give it less wind resistance. Moves faster."
(The boys all shout out "No!" to her.) 
Lynette: "Guys, guys, guys, hey, my hands are tied. Thieves get spanked. Just the way it works. Unless..." 
Twin: "Unless what?" 
Lynette: "For a first time offense, if you swear, cross your heart, that you will never, never steal again, and you write Mrs. McCluskey a letter of apology, I will let it slide."
(The boys nod their heads vigorously and promise to swear. Lynette reaches down to the chair next to her and pulls out pads of paper and pens, which she hands to the boys.) 
Lynette: "All right, start with 'Dear Mrs. McCluskey.'" 
Twin: "Mommy, why are you smiling?" 
Lynette: "Do you know what physiological warfare means?" 
Twin: "No." 
Lynette: "Well, too bad for you. Okay, start with a big em, little c. Good."
[Dr. Goldfine's Office]
(Bree stands by the window, playing with the necklace she's wearing.) 
Bree: "Rex and I are hosting a dinner party for ten next week. We're using our best china and serving duck." 
Dr. Goldfine: "So, you and Rex are a couple again?" 
Bree: "Yes. You know that's one of the things I hated most about our separation. Not being able to throw dinner parties. There's just something so civilized and elegant about them, don't you think?" 
Dr. Goldfine: "I take it you've resolved your feelings about his infidelity?" 
Bree: "Let's just say that I put them in an imaginary box and don't plan on looking at them for a while." 
Dr. Goldfine: "Do you think that's the healthiest way to achieve a reconciliation?" 
Bree: "Well, it won't be easy at first. There'll be a lot of forced smiles and perfunctory love making, but after a few decades whiz by I'm sure I'll find a way to forgive him." 
Dr. Goldfine: "Well, as long as you have a plan." 
Bree: "I do want to forgive him Doctor Goldfine, but, there's something he's still not telling me." 
Dr. Goldfine: "Really?" 
Bree: "I think it has something to do with why he had the affair." 
Dr. Goldfine: "Have you confronted him?" 
Bree: "Once, and you should've seen the look in his eyes. He was terrified that I'll figure it out. You know what it is, don't you?" 
Dr. Goldfine: "Bree, I can't discuss other patients." 
Bree: "I realize that. This thing that he's hiding, is it bad?"
(Dr. Goldfine looks down.) 
Bree: "Oh, okay, um, maybe it's better that I don't know." 
Dr. Goldfine: "Bree, how does this reconciliation have a chance if the two of you can't be honest about the innermost parts of your lives?" 
Bree: "We're, um, WASPs, Doctor Goldfine. Not acknowledging the elephant in the room is what we do best." 
Dr. Goldfine: "You'd settle for that? A life filled with repression and denial?" 
Bree: "And the dinner parties. Don't forget the dinner parties."
[Mattress Store]
(The bald owner of the store walks Gabrielle around the store, pointing out various mattress styles.) 
Siesta King: "And uh, over there you got your queens and, uh, your quad spring series, and your deluxe one thousands. All the way to the imperial paradise. Sweet racket huh?" 
Gabrielle: "Mm." 
Siesta King: "I swear sometimes I wake up in the morning and I can't believe I'm the Siesta King. Except for how I am." 
Gabrielle: "Very impressive. So, where does the photographer want me for the shoot?" 
Siesta King: "Uh, didn't your agent tell you? There's no shoot?" 
Gabrielle: "Well, then what did you hire me for?"
(Cut to Gabrielle lying seductively on one of the mattresses as the voice over of the "Siesta King" is heard.) 
Siesta King: "You've heard the expression sex sales? That's where you come in. You're here to remind people that there's a lot of fun things they can do on a Siesta King mattress that don't involve sleep. Get it?"
(As Gabrielle lies on the bed in a sexy negligee, various customers appear throughout the day around the bed.) 
(Two teenage boys stand at the end of the bed and wave at her...Gabrielle lies on the edge of the bed as a very obese man lies next to her...Gabrielle lies in the middle as two butch-looking women lie on either side of her.) 
[Lynette's House]
(Lynette begins putting laundry into the washer.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"It is often said that good fences make good neighbors..."
The front door slams and Lynette turns to see what's happening. 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...but as Lynette was about to discover, the fence might just need a little barbed wire, if the neighbor is Mrs. McCluskey."
(Mrs. McCluskey walks up the stairs in Lynette's house.) 
Lynette: "Hey."
(Mrs. McCluskey is in the twins room, lifting their mattresses and pillows and generally looking around.) 
Lynette: "Hey, what do you think you are doing? Get out of here." 
Mrs. McCluskey: "Your little criminals snuck into my house and stole my wall clock." 
Lynette: "What?" 
Mrs. McCluskey: "It was a hand-painted purple and white wall clock. My son made it." 
Lynette: "Are you sure you didn't misplace it? You're getting up there in years, no offense, but you probably forget where you put things." 
Mrs. McCluskey: "No offense, but you should be sterilized." 
Lynette: "Look, my boys do not break into people's houses. Sure, they may have stolen your flower pot, but you know they apologized for that." 
Mrs. McCluskey: "They wrote a note. That's the coward's way out. They should've come over and apologized in person." 
Lynette: "You know what? This has been fun but now - " 
Mrs. McCluskey: "You let those boys run wild! Toys all over the yard, there're bikes laying out in the street. It's a disgrace." 
Lynette: "Get out of my house!" 
Mrs. McCluskey: "Those boys would've been better off raised by wolves. God knows they would've been cleaner."
(She leaves the room and Lynette throws a pillow after her. It hits the door.) 
[Bree's House]
(Bree sits in a living room chair, sewing. Rex sits on the couch, reading a book. 
Bree: "Valentine's Day is tomorrow." 
Rex: "I know. I already bought your gifts." 
Bree: "Roses and English toffee?" 
Rex: "Mmm hmm. Just like always." 
Bree: "Yes. And I suppose we'll make love tomorrow night, too." 
Rex: "That is our little tradition." 
Bree: "Good. I'm looking forward to it. Are you looking forward to it?" 
Rex: "What?" 
Bree: "Well, it's just that I know that I don't please you sexually, so I was wondering if you really were looking forward to being with me." 
Rex: "Oh, for god's sake." 
Bree: "I'm sorry, Rex. I thought I could pretend that this doesn't upset me anymore, but I can't." 
Rex: "Please don't do this." 
Bree: "You had an affair. You went to another woman for sex to give you something I couldn't. At least have the decency to tell me what that something is." 
Rex: "Bree, I can't." 
Bree: "Why not? Rex, please tell me. Let me prove to you how much I love you." 
Rex: "I like to be dominated." 
Bree: "Huh?" 
Rex: "Sexually." 
Bree: "Huh?" 
Rex: "Never mind." 
Bree: "Rex, please, I want to understand."
(Later, Rex and Bree sit on the couch, watching the TV, from which the sounds of a man pleading are heard.) 
Man on TV: "Please, mistress, no!" 
Woman on TV: "Quiet, slave."
(The sound of a slap is heard. )
Man on TV: "Yes, mistress, yes, yes." 
Woman on TV: "Turn your head. Don't look at me." 
Man on TV: "But, mistress!" 
Woman on TV: "On your knees now. Right now! Tighten your cuffs." 
Man on TV: "Yes, mistress." 
Woman on TV: "Do it now." 
Man on TV: "Yes." 
Woman on TV: "Head down." 
Man on TV: "Yes. Ow! Yes! Ow! Yes!" 
Woman on TV: "Place the nightstick in your mouth." 
Man on TV: "Yes, mistress." 
Woman on TV: "Tight." 
Man on TV: "Yes!" 
(As they watch, from opposite sides of the couch, Rex looks alternately turned on and uncomfortable. Bree alternates her gaze between the TV and Rex, looking at him in shock.) 
(Rex pauses the video and turns to Bree.) 
Rex: "Well?" 
Bree: "What the hell did your mother do to you?" 
Rex: "What?" 
Bree: "Well, come on, this just reeks of unresolved childhood trauma." 
Rex: "This has nothing to do with my mother, Bree, this is a preference." 
Bree: "It's a perversion." 
Rex: "For god's sake, you promised to be supportive." 
Bree: "What do you want me to say? My husband likes to wear metal clamps around his nipples. Hooray?" 
Rex: "I want you to say you'll try it. Just, just once" 
Bree: "Try what? Hurting you? You actually want me to hurt you?" 
Rex: "So I can feel pleasure, yes." 
Bree: "Fine."
(She slaps him across the face as hard as she can.) 
Bree: "So? Was it good for you too?"
(She gets up and leaves.) 
[Susan's House]
(Susan walks into Julie's bedroom, holding some clothes on hangers, which she puts in Julie's closet. Julie, typing on her laptop, closes it, and looks over at Susan.) 
Susan: "Mike wants babies." 
Julie: "What?" 
Susan: "He wants to have kids, and he had that look that men get that says 'I'm ready to procreate, point me to the nearest cervix'." 
Julie: "And I take it this is a problem?" 
Susan: "Oh, I can't have another baby. I mean I'm so grateful I had you, you know I don't regret a minute of that, but I found it to be completely overwhelming. Sometimes I even wonder how I got through it." 
Julie: "You and me both. So, have you told Mike how you feel?" 
Susan: "Oh, I can't tell him. This could be a deal breaker. Julie, I really love him. I don't want to lose him." 
Julie: "Maybe you're overreacting. I bet he'd rather have you than a baby." 
Susan: "What if he doesn't?" 
Julie: "Then that's something you need to know."
[Outside, Wisteria Lane]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Susan shouldn't have been so worried. Children were the last thing on Mike's mind. He was too busy searching for answers in all the wrong places."
(Mike knocks on various neighbors doors, showing them a picture of Deirdre and asking them questions. He knocks on the door of one house, and when nobody answers, he goes around the back, where he puts on a black glove, then picks the lock to get in.) 
(Once inside, he searches through papers and bookcases, finding nothing. He opens up doors, looking inside the rooms as he searches.) 
(He comes to one door, opens it, and behind it is an older gentleman, shakily holding a gun straight at Mike.) 
Mike: "Please..."
(The gun goes off, hitting Mike, who runs down the hallway, through the kitchen, outside, and gets into his car. The man shoots after him, but doesn't hit him.) 
(Once in the car, Mike looks down at his stomach, where a bullet hole is bleeding. He drives off.) 
[Mike's House]
(A picture of Mike and Deirdre sits on the coffee table on top of the maps of Wisteria Lane that Mike had. Both bloody and clean gauze lie on the table and a pair of clamps are placed on the table as well.) 
(Mike lies on the couch while a man stitches him up.) 
Man: "You got lucky: didn't hit anything major. Noah's getting impatient." 
Mike: "Well, you can tell Noah I'm getting closer." 
Man: "That's her, isn't it?" 
Mike: "Yeah." 
Man: "Hard to believe a kid from such a good family could get so messed up." 
Mike: "I met somebody who recognized her photo. I think she rented a room over on Pine Avenue."
(The phone rings and after one ring, the machine picks up.) 
Mike: "I was checking out houses when -" 
Susan (on the machine): "Hey, Mike, it's me. Are you there? Pick up. Hello? Okay, I know you're home. Your lights are on. Look, I really need to talk to you about something, uh, you know what? I'm just gonna stop by."
(Mike grabs for the phone.) 
Mike: "No, hey, hey I'm here. Ow!" 
Susan: "Are you okay?" 
Mike: "Yup. Yeah, I just stubbed my toe." 
Susan: "Oh, um, so can I come over? I, I really need to talk to you about something." 
Mike: "Actually, I got a buddy over here right now. Um, can it wait 'til dinner tomorrow?" 
Susan: "It's kind of important, um, yeah I guess it can wait. So I'll see you at seven?" 
Mike: "All right. I'm counting the minutes."
(They hang up.) 
Man: "You should take it easy for the next few days." 
Mike: "I can't cancel. The last thing I need is for her to get suspicious.
[Outside Lynette's House]
(The next day, Lynette removes groceries from her car. Across the street, sitting in her car, is Mrs. McCluskey.) 
Mrs. McCluskey: "Maybe it's my dementia, but I still haven't found my purple wall clock." 
Lynette: "Nobody in my family knows or cares where your stupid clock is."
(Tom comes around the car to help Lynette. Mrs. McCluskey looks at a bike lying on the edge of the road.) 
Mrs. McCluskey: "Oh, and by the way, will you tell your little criminals to get their bikes out of the street?" 
Tom: "Oh, I'll get it." 
Lynette: "No, don't you dare. We'll move it when you say please."
(Mrs. McCluskey makes a u-turn and runs over the bike several times.) 
Mrs. McCluskey: "Please."
(Lynette gasps. Tom quickly tries to calm her down, but Lynette reaches into one of the grocery bags and pulls out a carton of eggs.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Even though it was Mrs. McCluskey who had officially declared war..."
(Lynette throws an egg at Mrs. McCluskey's retreating car. It splatters on the back windshield and the car stops.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...it was Lynette who decided to deliver the opening salvo."
(Mrs. McCluskey gets out of the car and points to the broken egg on her car.) 
Mrs. McCluskey: "You're going to clean that up." 
Lynette: "Think so?" 
Mrs. McCluskey: "Yes."
(Lynette throws another egg, this time at Mrs. McCluskey. It flies toward her in slow motion, landing squarely on her forehead. )
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes, the war of Wisteria lane would indeed prove to be messy for everyone involved."
(Tom closes his eyes in resignation.)
[Mattress Store]
(Gabrielle lies on a mattress, with her eyes closed.) 
Customer: "Pardon me, pardon me. We were wondering what the coil count was on this one."
(Gabrielle points to a cardboard sign sitting on the pillow next to her, which reads: "Please do not talk to model!") 
Customer: "Oh. Sorry."
(He and his wife walk off, rolling their eyes. The "Siesta King" walks up to Gabrielle, smiling, but quickly frowns when he sees the sign next to her.) 
Siesta King: "What is this?" 
Gabrielle: "People keep coming and talking to me asking me questions. That is not my job." 
Siesta King: "Well. You don't have to be rude." 
Gabrielle: "I am not a mattress sales person." 
Siesta King: "Is there something wrong with being a mattress sales person? Is it beneath you or something?" 
Gabrielle: "Honestly, yes. I am a model." 
Siesta King: "You know what, your agent warned me that you were a diva, and he was right. You won't talk to the customers, you bitch about the coffee, and you wouldn't even chip in for Hazel's birthday cake." 
Gabrielle: "I just met the woman today." 
Siesta King: "That didn't stop you from havin' a piece. I'm sorry, but I, I don't want someone around my store that's not a team player." 
Gabrielle: "Oh no, no, no, wait, wait." 
Siesta King: "You're fired, princess." 
Gabrielle: "No!"
(He walks away and she flops onto the mattress.) 
[Lynette's House]
(Lynette is on the phone.) 
Lynette: "I need to know if my policy covers it. No, my car actually wasn't involved. It was my neighbor's car, but the egg was mine. Uh huh. Can I please speak to your supervisor?" 
Tom (calling from outside): "Honey? Would you come out here?"
[Outside]. 
Lynette: "What?" 
Tom: "Look what I found stashed in the boys' playhouse."
(Lynette looks inside the playhouse, which contains dozens of items clearly not belonging to the boys, including a wall clock.) 
Lynette (gasps): "Please tell me that's not a purple wall clock. Pack your bags. We're moving."
[Martha Huber's House]
(Felicia runs her finger over the carefully labeled photo albums in her sister's house. Her finger stops when she comes to one marked "Family." )
(She pulls it from the shelf and sits down at the table with it. Flipping through the photos, she sighs.) 
(She comes to one that is obviously a posed staff photo. About 10 men and women, wearing medical scrubs, stand outside of a building, smiling. The caption underneath the photo reads "Dorothy Drake Rehabilitation House." Felicia frowns, looking at the photo. She is one of the staff members, standing on the left, and on the right, stands Mary Alice Young. Felicia raises her eyebrows and nods.) 
[Department Store]
(Gabrielle walks through the make-up department of the store.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Discouraged over losing her job, Gabrielle decided a make over would be the perfect cure for her depression. It was after finding a moisturizer she couldn't afford that it finally occurred to Gabrielle. Perhaps it was her pride that needed a make over."
(She sees a small sign advertising for help wanted and she sighs.) 
[Later...] 
Customer: "Excuse me, miss? You forgot to give me my receipt."
(Gabrielle, standing behind one of the counters, jumps slightly.) 
Gabrielle: "Oh, right. Oh, here. Here you go. Thank you. Come again." 
Yao Lin: "Mrs. Solis?" 
Gabrielle: "Oh, god." 
Yao Lin: "Hello." 
Gabrielle: "Hello, Yao Lin. How are you?" 
Yao Lin: "Good. Very good. " 
Gabrielle: "I wanted to call you. I felt terrible about how we left things." 
Yao Lin: "I need lipstick." 
Gabrielle: "Okay but - " 
Yao Lin: "Now."
(A little later, Yao Lin sits on a chair as Gabrielle stands before her with make-up in her hands.) 
Gabrielle: "You must be loving this, huh? Having me serve you must be a dream come true." 
Yao Lin: "Can't complain." 
Gabrielle: "That's the difference between you and me, Yao Lin, our dreams. Close your eyes, please. Thank you. You see I dreamed of pulling myself up from nothing, and I did. I dreamed about the things I wanted and I got them all: a high powered career, a handsome husband, an extravagant house. So, this is just a blip in the radar for me, because now, I know what I'm capable of and if I did it once, I can do it again. I'm never really down, Yao Lin, even when it looks like I am. So, enjoy this moment, enjoy your dream, because for you, it doesn't get any better than this. There. Don't you look beautiful."
[Le Petit Fleur]
(A waiter carries food to a table, passing by a busboy, who finishes setting up the table. He smoothes down the tablecloth, and then notices that the table is wobbling. He crawls underneath the table to wedge a piece of wood underneath it. It doesn't seem to do the trick, and he continues working on it.) 
(Meanwhile, the hostess leads Mike and Susan into the dining room.) 
Hostess: "Right this way." 
Mike: "Everything okay?" 
Susan: "Oh yeah, this dress is just riding up as it is. If I walk any faster it'll be happy Valentine's Day for everyone." 
Mike: "Especially me."
(He pulls out her chair and she sits down.) 
Susan: "Thank you."
(Underneath the table, the busboy realizes that he's trapped. Above the table, Susan gets a confused look on her face.) 
Busboy: "Excuse me, miss?"
(She peeks between her legs, underneath the table, and sees the busboy peering back up at her.) 
(She gasps in horror and jumps back, out of her chair, running into a waiter, carrying a large tray with food on it. The waiter falls, dropping the food, and a woman walking by trips, nearly falling herself, but Mike quickly catches her.)
Susan: "I am so sorry! Is everyone okay?" 
Lady: "Oh, oh. Thank you. Thank you!"

(She walks off and as Susan sits back down, Mike quickly checks his shirt. His wound had started bleeding again, and it's left a small red stain on his white shirt. He pulls his jacket over the stain and sits down.) 
Busboy: "Oh, ma'am, your napkin." 
Susan: "Don't even think about it."
(The busboy walks off and she leans down to get her own napkin.) 
(Later, a waiter pours wine while Susan opens the card that Mike got for her. As she reads it, he surreptitiously pulls open his jacket to look at his wound, which has left a bigger stain.) 
Susan: "Oh, that's so wonderful what you wrote, thank you. Okay, I'm not gonna be any kind of company until I get something off my chest. Do you remember the other day when you said that you wanted to have kids?" 
Mike: "Mm hmm." 
Susan: "Here's the thing, I don't think I'm ready to have another baby. I think we need to have a serious conversation." 
Mike: "Sure."
(He smiles and Susan smiles back, then takes a sip of wine.) 
[Lynette's House]
(Lynette and Tom sit at their table, dressed up, and eating a fancy meal.) 
Lynette: "I'm not going over there." 
Tom: "Yes, you are." 
Lynette: "No. I can deal with the humiliation of going around the neighborhood returning everything the boys stole, but please don't make me apologize to that woman." 
Tom: "This is what it means to be a good neighbor, finding ways of getting along instead of, you know, hurling an egg at them." 
Lynette: "But why do I have to apologize? Why don't we just go:"Oh, now we're even" and we'll start from scratch." 
Tom: "Okay if the, uh, being a pleasant human being argument doesn't fly with you, we'll try a self preservation, what if she wakes up in the middle of the night, the house is on fire, you don't want her to call 911?" 
Lynette: "If our house catches fire I guarantee you, she's the one that started it." 
Tom: "My point is, the day will come when we need her help and I don't want her not to help us just because of some silly feud." 
Lynette: "Fine, I'll do it." 
Tom: "Wow, thank you." 
Lynette: "You know whoever came up with the motto love thy neighbor clearly lived nowhere near Karen McCluskey." 
Tom: "Yes, well, on Valentine's Day the only motto that really matters is, you know, love thy husband." 
Lynette: "Really, I, I recall no such motto."
(They kiss.) 
[Le Petit Fleur]
(Susan and Mike have their food in front of them.) 
Susan: "I mean, I understand why you would want to have kids, but that chapter of my life is just closed. I don't think I can go back there. And so, you know, given the way I feel and given the way I think you feel..."
(Mike, clearly not feeling well, lowers his head, propping it up with his index and middle fingers of his left hand.) 
Susan: "Oh god, you're not taking this well. Oh I was afraid of this." 
Mike: "Um."
(He looks down and notices drops of blood dripping onto the floor from his wound.) 
Susan: "What?" 
Mike: "I've got to go." 
Susan: "What?" 
Mike: "I'm sorry." 
Susan: "I don't believe this. You're leaving without even trying to talk me into having your baby? I mean how do you know I wouldn't cave. I always cave."
(Mike collapses on the floor. When he falls, his jacket falls open and the bleeding wound is clearly visible.) 
Susan: "Mike?!"
(She rushes toward him.) 
[Bree's House]
(Bree's reading in bed when Rex climbs in next to her.) 
Bree: "Good night." 
Rex: "Night." 
Bree (sighs): "So, how does this domination thing work?"
(He rolls over and sits up. Then he smiles at her.) 
(Later, Rex is pulling a box out of the deepest part of the closet as he talks.) 
Rex: "So there's nothing to be afraid of. I mostly will be constructing simple scenarios and acting them out." 
Bree: "So, it's like we're in a little play." 
Rex: "Sort of. And if things do get too rough we'll have a control word. If one of us says it, the other backs off immediately." 
Bree: "Okay. So what's our control word?" 
Rex: "Well, lately I've been using Philadelphia."
(She looks away.) 
Rex: "What's wrong?" 
Bree: "Well, it's just that my Aunt Fern lives in Philadelphia and I don't want to be thinking about her while I'm spanking you with a leather strap." 
Rex: "Okay. Fine. You pick a control word." 
Bree: "Um, how about Boise?" 
Rex: "Boise?" 
Bree: "What's the matter with Boise?" 
Rex: "We're going to be doing psychological role playing here, Bree, and a funny word like Boise would ruin the mood. We need something that sounds serious." 
Bree: "Hmm. How about Palestine?" 
Rex: "Boise will be just fine." 
Bree: "So I guess we should, uh, get started. What do you want me to do?" 
Rex: "Handcuff me to the bed. Bree, you are not going to regret taking this journey with me. This is going to infuse our marriage with more passion than you could imagine. You just have to trust me." 
Bree: "I do. Would you mind if I ran these through the dishwasher once?" 
Rex: "Sure."
[Hospital]
(A nurse leads Susan to outside Mike's hospital room.) 
Nurse: "You can wait here. You can go in to see him as soon as the doctor's finished." 
Susan: "Oh, okay. Thanks."
(The doctor and a nurse come out of Mike's room.) 
Nurse: "Can you believe that story?" 
Doctor: "Please. There's no way that gun shot wound was self-inflicted." 
Nurse: "Funny how he can't seem to remember who stitched him up." 
Doctor: "Well, the police are on their way to talk to him. Let them sort it out."
(Susan watches them go, then slowly walks into Mike's room.) 
Mike: "Sorry about ruining dinner." 
Susan: "Ah, please. I'm just glad you're okay. So, you shot yourself?" 
Mike: "Pretty lame, huh? I was cleaning my automatic and I was too embarrassed to tell you." 
Susan: "Well, I could see why you would be." 
Mike: "I know it sounds crazy. I just couldn't let myself ruin your Valentine's Day. But I heard what you said at the restaurant about not wanting kids." 
Susan: "We don't have to talk about that now." 
Mike: "Oh, Susan, I just want to be with you above everything else. That means not being a dad...I may be stupid enough to shoot myself, but I'm not stupid enough to walk away from you. You know that, right?" 
Susan: "Yeah. I'm gonna go outside and let you rest for a while." 
Mike: "Thanks for being so understanding."
(She smils at him. As she opens the door to his room, two police officers walk inside.) 
Police: "Mr. Delfino, I'm Officer Russell, this is Officer Walters. We'd like to ask you a few questions."
[Mrs. McCluskey's House]
(The next day, Lynette's three boys, dressed nicely, walk up the walk to Mrs. McCluskey's front door. Parker holds the wall clock. They turn to look at her, and Lynette, standing by the sidewalk, motions that they should knock on the door. They do, and Mrs. McClusky opens it.) 
Mrs. McCluskey: "What do you want?"
(The boys turn to look at Lynette.) 
Lynette: "The boys have something they'd like to say to you."
(Parker hands Mrs. McCluskey the wall clock.) 
Mrs. McCluskey: "I have some tea heating on the stove. Perhaps you'd better come inside, boys."
(The boys turn to look at Lynette again, and she nods that it's okay.) 
Mrs. McCluskey: "What about you, Lynette? D'you have anything to say?" 
Lynette: "No. I'll just wait out here." 
Mrs. McCluskey: "Suit yourself."
(She closes the door.) 
(Inside the house, the boys sit on her couch.) 
Mrs. McCluskey: "You boys want some peanut brittle? Go ahead. Don't get any crumbs on my floor. Move over. Okay. Go ahead, make with the apology." 
All three boys: "We're sorry." 
Mrs. McCluskey: "That's it, huh? Didn't you know that stealing is wrong? How old are you anyway?" 
Twin: "We're six." 
Mrs. McCluskey: "And how old are you?" 
Parker: "Five." 
Mrs. McCluskey: "Well, your mother just pops 'em out, doesn't she?" 
Twin: "How old are you?" 
Mrs. McCluskey: "How old do you think?" 
Twin: "A hundred and fifty." 
Mrs. McCluskey: "Hurry up and eat your peanut brittle." 
Twin (pointing to a framed picture): "Who's that?" 
Mrs. McCluskey: "That's my little boy." 
Twin: "Where does he live?" 
Mrs. McCluskey: "He died when he was twelve." 
Twin: "How come?" 
Mrs. McCluskey: "He got sick. He was a little terror like you three. You would've liked him. Now, are you done with the peanut brittle? Let's go. Now, I want to say something to you before you go. What you did was wrong, but it's nice that you wanted to get a present for your mom for Valentine's Day. Nobody is ever gonna love you like your mother. All right, let's go."
(She opens the front door and shoos the boys out.) 
Mrs. McCluskey: "Get the hell out of my house."
(Lynette stares at her, then herds the children her way.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"In her heart, Lynette knew she would probably never love her neighbor, never realizing that love was the one thing she and her neighbor had in common."
[Susan's House]
(Susan sits on a bench in her front yard, reading the Valentine's Day card Mike got her. Lynette walks over.) 
Lynette: "Hey." 
Susan: "Hey, Lynette." 
Lynette: "Um..." 
Susan: "What's wrong?" 
Lynette: "My kids have been on kind of a thieving jag, stealing stuff from around the neighborhood." 
Susan: "I'm so sorry." 
Lynette: "I know, they've being punished. Probably for life. But I needed you to see something. They said they stole it from Mike's garage. From inside his work bench. Your Mike."
(Susan unwraps the cloth Lynette handed her. Inside is a bracelet and ring.) 
Susan: "So?" 
Lynette: "Read the engraving."
(Susan turns the bracelet over and sees that it reads "Martha Huber." There are small traces of a reddish substance on the bracelet.) 
Susan (gasps): "Is that blood?" 
Lynette: "I don't know." 
Susan: "What, what does this mean?" 
Lynette: "I don't know."
[Gabrielle's House]
(Gabrielle walks through her front door, closing her eyes in exhaustion.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"It's impossible to grasp just how powerful love is..."
(Carlos grabs her and lifts her up for a hug, twirling her around.)
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...it can sustain us through trying times..."
[Bree's House]
(Bree opens up the dishwasher, where the handcuffs are sitting. She takes them out, looks them over, and shakes her head. Holding them in her hand, she closes the dishwasher.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...or motivate us to make extraordinary sacrifices..."
[Outside Paul's House]
(Paul collects his mail.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...it can force decent men to commit the darkest deeds..."
(As he walks back up to his house, he looks over to Martha Huber's house and sees Felicia picking up the newspaper.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...or compel ordinary women to search for hidden truths..."
(They smile and wave to each other.) 
[Mrs. McCluskey's House]
(Mrs. McCluskey takes down the framed photograph of her son to look at it.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...and long after we're gone, love remains burned into our memories."
[Susan's House]
(Susan looks at the card Mike got her, then stares out her window at his house across the street.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"We all search for love, but some of us, after we found it, wish we hadn't."
~ The End ~




Desperate Housewives 
1x15 �C Impossible
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives:
Gabrielle:John, you're a toy.You and me -- no future.
Mary Alice Voiceover:Once some things are said...
Tom:Remember what it was like to work a 60-hour week?
Mary Alice Voiceover:You can't take them back.
Mike:You are never going to get somebody who cares as much about finding Deirdre as I do.
Susan:You shot yourself?
Mike: Pretty lame, huh?
Mary Alice Voiceover:The damage is already done.
Julie:Mom!
Zach:You're not taking her away from me.
Susan:Get out.
Lynette:I needed you to see something.They said they stole it from Mike's garage.
Susan:Is that blood?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bree's House]
(Bree comes down the stairs with a basket of laundry.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Bree Van De Kamp believed in old-fashioned values. Things like respect for God, the importance of family, and love of country. In fact, Bree believed so strongly in her values, it was always a shock whenever she was confronted with those who didn't."
(As she sorts the laundry in front of the washer, she pulls out a condom from the basket.) 
(Moments later, she holds it up in front of Rex, who's paying bills at the dining room table.) 
Rex: "It's not mine." 
Bree: "You promised the cheating had stopped, Rex. You promised." 
Rex: "Could we not yell at each other? I'm feeling really lousy today." 
Bree: "I want you out of the house!" 
Rex: "Bree, look at me. It's not mine." 
Bree: "Well, then, whose is it? It didn't just magically appear in my laundry basket." 
Rex: "Well, I'm not the only guy in this house that uses that hamper."
(He gets up and walks through the kitchen. Bree follows him.) 
Bree: "No." 
Rex: "Sorry." 
Bree: "Andrew is still a child." 
Rex: "He's sixteen. It's not unheard of." 
Bree: "Honey, you have to talk to him." 
Rex: "And tell him what?" 
Bree: "Tell him that we found his condom and that he is forbidden from - y'know." 
Rex: "I can absolutely tell him that we think he's too young, but I don't think it's gonna do any good." 
Bree: "Well, then the least we can do is go search his room and if we find any more of these, we'll confiscate them." 
Rex: "And that will accomplish what?" 
Bree: "Well, if we take away his condoms, maybe--" 
Rex: "He's a teenage boy. We could take away his penis. He'd still try to have sex." 
Bree: "Well, we can't put it back in his room. I mean that would be like we're condoning him having pre-marital sex." 
Rex: "Bree, let me put this another way. Do you want to become a grandmother?"
(Cut to Bree leaving freshly-laundered clothes on Andrew's bed, then leaving his room, passing Andrew in the hallway. Andrew enters in his room.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes, Bree believed in old-fashioned values, but she also believed it was better to be safe than sorry."
(Once in his room, Andrew sees the condom conspicuously left on his bed.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Credits
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Each new morning in suburbia brings with it a new set of lies. Little white lies told not to hurt."
(A postman walks past a woman putting a bumper sticker on her car. The woman looks grumpy.) 
Postman: "Morning Mrs. Cutchel. You look lovely today."
(The woman smiles after him.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...but to make life more pleasant. They tell these lies to protect themselves and their reputations."
(The postman thumbs through the small stack of bills marked "Past Due" addressed to the Solis residence as he walks up to Carlos and Gabrielle's house. Carlos walks up the sidewalk to meet him and takes the mail.) 
Carlos: "Oh, for God sakes, this is unbelievable. It's the last time I do my banking online."
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Of course, every now and then, the day arrives when someone finally decides to tell the truth."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bree's House]
(Susan, Gabrielle, and Bree sit at the dining room table with coffee cups in front of them. Lynette stands in the corner.) 
Gabrielle: "He was shot? How could you not tell us about this?" 
Susan: "He was embarrassed. He said it was an accident. Oh, don't look at me like that. Accidents happen." 
Gabrielle: "We know that you want to trust Mike, but he had a dead woman's jewelry in his garage." 
Susan: "Now, did he? We don't know that for sure. All we know is that Lynette's kids turned up with it." 
Bree: "So what are you saying, that the twins murdered Martha?" 
Lynette: "Well, I wouldn't put it past them." 
Susan: "I'm saying that is about as likely as Mike having done it. He's a good guy. I know him. I mean, he's, he's Mike." 
Lynette: "Honestly, I don't think Mike did it either, but if we don't call, we're guilty of withholding evidence." 
Bree: "Well, you know what? If he is innocent, this should be a simple matter to clear up." 
Gabrielle: "But, we will do whatever you want us to do." 
Susan: "Okay, call." 
Bree: "So should I just dial nine one one?" 
Gabrielle: "Well, it's not really an emergency." 
Lynette: "It was a murder." 
Bree: "Well, not recently, and I'd prefer not to tie up the line." 
Susan: "Will you just call?"
(Bree dials the phone.) 
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[Susan's House]
(There's a knock on the door. Julie answers it. It was Zach.) 
Zach: "Hey." 
Julie: "My mom will be home any minute. She'll freak if she sees you here." 
Zach: "Oh, I just wanted to deliver this personally. I'm having a party." 
Julie: "You know she doesn't want us to see each other." 
Zach: "Well, you gotta come. You're the reason I'm doing this." 
Julie: "I'll try to talk to my mom, okay? But you really gotta go."
(He turns and walks away.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Outside Gabrielle's House]
(Gabrielle, returning home, is greeted by a young man leaning against his truck.) 
Justin: "Hey, Mrs. Solis." 
Gabrielle: "I'm sorry. Do I know you?" 
Justin: "Yeah, I'm Justin. John's roommate? I've been waiting forever for you to show up." 
Gabrielle: "Really, why?" 
Justin: "I want to do you a favor." 
Gabrielle: "What kind of favor?" 
Justin: "Well, John says that you can't exactly afford a gardener right now, and I told him I'd be happy to do it. For free." 
Gabrielle: "You want to mow my lawn for free?" 
Justin: "Mow your lawn, water your flowers, trim your bushes. I could do everything John did for you." 
Gabrielle: "That's very generous of you, but I don't think so." 
Justin: "Why?" 
Gabrielle: "Because my husband is home quite a lot these days. If any bush needs trimming, he takes care of it." 
Justin: "Well, this is a very beautiful yard. I'm sure it could use a little extra attention." 
Gabrielle: "I'm flattered, but no, thank you."
(She starts to walk past, and he grabs her arm, holding on.) 
Justin: "Mrs. Solis, please." 
Gabrielle: "Did I mention why my husband's home a lot? He's under house arrest." 
Justin: "Oh?" 
Gabrielle: "He has a lot of anger toward the government right now and he's just dying to find someone to take it out on."
(He lets go of her arm and she walks briskly towards her front door.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Lynette's House]
(Tom enters the house as the boys are playing hockey in the living room.) 
Tom: "Hey guys, this isn't a hockey rink. Can you take it outside?" 
Lynette: "How was your day?" 
Tom: "Hey. I didn't get the V.P. gig." 
Lynette: "Oh, Tom, I'm so sorry." 
Tom: "It just doesn't make any sense to me. I mean, I'm Peterson's go-to guy, so how does Tim Doogan, the biggest blow-hard in the office get promoted to vice president over me?" 
Lynette: "I thought you liked Tim Doogan." 
Tom: "I do. I just, I just, I really wanted that promotion. Boys, can you please take the Stanley Cup Finals outside?"
(The boys ignore him.) 
Lynette: "Well, did you tell Mr. Peterson that you wanted the job?" 
Tom: "I have worked at that firm for eight and a half years. Doogan's been there for less than two. I am not going to beg." 
Lynette: "I'm not saying to beg. You just have to step up from time to time. You have to see your opportunity and take it. Nobody respects a shrinking violet." 
Tom: "There is more than one, you know, leadership style. Mine is quiet but effective." 
Lynette (shouting at the boys): "Take that racket outside!" (to Tom) "Well, whatever works for ya."
(The boys immediately stop playing and head outside.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Outside Susan's House]
(Susan is taking groceries out of her car when Mike comes up from behind her.) 
Mike: "Susan! Hey, sexy, where you been? I called you twice. You avoiding me?" 
Susan: "Don't be silly. Why would I do that? No, I've just been really busy grocery shopping." 
Mike: "For two days? You must be pretty well stocked."
(From behind Mike, police officers come out of unmarked cars and quickly and quietly draw their guns and walk hurriedly towards Mike. Susan notices them and looks worried.) 
Mike: "How 'bout dinner tonight?" 
Susan: "Uh, dinner, tonight?" 
Mike: "You okay?"
(One of the cops motions with his hand for Susan to get down.) 
Susan: "Can you hold these a sec?"
(She hands the groceries and dives to the ground. Immediately, the cops grab Mike and push him towards Susan's car, handcuff him, and start pulling him away while reading him his rights.) 
Cop: "Up against the car! You have the right to remain silent. Anything you do say can be used against you in a court of law..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bree's House]
(At the dinner table, the four Van De Kamps eat.) 
Andrew: "So, get this. Zach Young is throwing a pool party Saturday night and he sent out a bunch of formal invitations complete with fancy lettering." 
Danielle: "I'm surprised he didn't spritz them with after shave." 
Bree: "What is wrong with nice invitations?" 
Andrew: "Mom, it's a pool party." 
Danielle: "Why couldn't he've just pass out fliers in the quad?" 
Andrew: "Because he's genetically incapable of being cool?" 
Rex: "So, uh, you going?" 
Andrew: "Maybe. I mean, um, Lisa and Justin and some of the guys thought it'd be fun to swim. We can always bail if it's as lame as we think it's gonna be." 
Bree: "Is Lisa your friend with the pierced navel?" 
Andrew: "Yeah." 
Bree: "You've been spending a lot of time together lately, haven't you?" 
Andrew: "I guess." 
Bree: "Oh, uh, Andrew, I'm gonna want you home by eleven on Saturday." 
Andrew: "Eleven? Mom, it's not even a school night." 
Rex: "Bree, a curfew isn't gonna do any good." 
Bree: "You may be able to abdicate all your parental responsibility but I cannot." 
Andrew: "What, what's going on here? Would this have to do with the condom you left in my room?" 
Bree: "As a matter of fact it does, and just so we're clear, if you get Lisa pregnant, you will marry her."
(Andrew lets out an exasperated laugh.) 
Bree: "Andrew, this is not funny." 
Andrew: "Mom, trust me. This is very funny, mostly because the condom wasn't mine."
(Bree stares accusingly at Rex, who in turn stares at Andrew like he knows he's lying.) 
(Andrew turns to Danielle, who, when she catches her father's eye, leans back in her chair and turns to Andrew.) 
Danielle: "You suck, you know that?"
(Bree stares at Danielle, her mouth hanging open in shock.)
(Later, Bree walks into the kitchen where Danielle is.) 
Bree: "So obviously we need to talk." 
Danielle: "I'm still a virgin if that's what you want to know." 
Bree: "Well, good. But why on earth would you need a condom?" 
Danielle: "Because I'm planning on having sex and I don't want to get pregnant." 
Bree: "Danielle, you are president of the Abstinence Club." 
Danielle: "I wasn't planning on running for a second term." 
Bree: "Who were you planning on having sex with?" 
Danielle: "John." 
Bree: "John Rowland? I thought you broke up with him." 
Danielle: "No, he broke up with me. And you want to know why? Because I wouldn't do it." 
Bree: "Well, if that's the type of boy he is, then good riddance." 
Danielle: "Mom, every boy at my school is that type of boy. And besides, it's different with John. I love him." 
Bree: "Oh, sweetheart, just because you give a boy sex doesn't mean you'll get love in return." 
Danielle: "So maybe I'm being stupid. What's the big deal? It's just sex." 
Bree: "Honey, I am looking out for your happiness. Now, I understand what it's like to be young and feel urges, but I waited until I got married, as did your father, and it was so much better." 
Danielle: "Daddy ended up cheating on you." 
Bree: "Yes. Well -" 
Danielle: "And every since he moved back in, you've been miserable." 
Bree: "Why would you say that?" 
Danielle: "The walls between our bedrooms are paper-thin. I hear more stuff than I probably should." 
Bree: "Oh." 
Danielle: "Look, mom, I love you a lot but you really are the last person to ever give anyone advice about sex and happiness."
(She gives her mom a kiss on the cheek and walks out of the room.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Gabrielle's House]
(Gabrielle picks up the stack of bills and tosses them in front of Carlos.) 
Gabrielle: "Have you seen these? Five more past due notices." 
Carlos: "Don't worry. I'm handling it." 
Gabrielle: "How? How are you handling it?" 
Carlos: "Can I please finish my sandwich?" 
Gabrielle: "Have you seen our checking account lately? We're broke. And then we have the mortgage payment coming up. We have property taxes.." 
Carlos: "Gabby, it's going to be okay." 
Gabrielle: "No, it's not. We are seriously screwed, and I am freaking out that you're not freaking out." 
Carlos: "Look, things will turn around." 
Gabrielle: "When?" 
Carlos: "I don't know when, but we're lucky people, and we'll be lucky again." 
Gabrielle: "What is that?" 
Carlos: "It's the lawnmower. We got a new gardener today. It's not going to cost us a cent. The kid's a friend of John's." 
Gabrielle: "Carlos--" 
Carlos: "And he said that he'd do the lawn for free. Can you believe it? We are lucky people."
(Carlos goes back to his sandwich while Gabrielle stands in the doorway, glaring at Justin, who mows the lawn with his shirt off. He sends a triumphant smile her way.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Baseball Field]
(A company softball game is in progress. In the dugout, a man walks to position to bat, while others call out his name and he waves to the crowd.) 
Doogan: "Hey you guys, good to see you again."
(Tom sits on the bench, staring after him glumly. Lynette comes up to him and sits down.) 
Lynette: "Hey! Don't look so glum. You're gonna get a hit." 
Tom: "It's not that. This is my hating Tim Doogan look." (in an announcer's voice) "Oh, Doogan connects. Look at the job-stealing bastard run. Doogan is really showing some of the glory-hounding, ass-kissing hustle that he is so well known for." 
Lynette: "I forgot how much fun you are when you're bitter." 
Tom: "Oh look, he's stretched for extra bases, just like he stretched for extra territory screwing over unsung utility player Tom Scavo."
(Doogan trips and falls onto the ground.) 
Tom: "Oh, down goes Doogan. Doogan goes down. That's gotta hurt. Oh, Lord Hound is tagged out and now he's gonna have to deal with some tough dirt stains, that Tim Doogan." 
Lynette: "Tom..."
(Several of the players roll Doogan over and begin administering CPR.) 
Tom: "Oh, no, look. I'm sure he's just grandstanding." 
Lynette: "Oh, my God." 
Tom: "Holy crap."
(He runs out onto the field.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Susan's House]
(Susan cleans up the dishes from dinner. Julie follows her into the kitchen.) 
Julie: "It's only a pool party. Everyone's gonna be there." 
Susan: "I said no." 
Julie: "What are you gonna do? Keep a boy-free zone around me until I'm eighteen?" 
Susan: "You can see boys in a couple years, just not that boy." 
Julie: "Why do you hate Zach?" 
Susan: "I don't hate Zach. I just think he's sort of crazy." 
Julie: "Mom, I've heard people call you sort of crazy." 
Susan: "Well, I'm adorable crazy, and he's rampage crazy."
(A knock at the door. Susan opens it.) 
Detective Copeland: "Susan Mayer?" 
Susan: "Yeah." 
Detective Copeland: "I'm Detective Copeland. I'm investigating the murder of Martha Huber. I need to talk to you about Mike Delfino."
(Later, Susan and Julie sit on the couch while Detective Copeland puts on a pair of glasses and opens up a small notebook.) 
Detective Copeland: "Do you remember seeing Mr. Delfino on the seventh of last month?" 
Susan: "Is the seventh important?" 
Detective Copeland: "Well, we believe it was the night that Martha Huber was murdered. She was last seen at the grocery store around nine and then she didn't show up for her dentist appointment the next morning." 
Susan: "What day was that?" 
Detective Copeland: "It was a Sunday." 
Susan: "Oh. Oh, my God, yes. Yes, yes, I was with Mike that night." 
Detective Copeland: "You're sure?" 
Susan: "Yes, I was. It was a big night for us, relationship-wise. It was the first time that we..." 
Detective Copeland: "The first time you...?" 
Julie: "Did it. The first time they did it." 
Susan: "Julie!" 
Julie: "Well, it was." 
Susan: "How did you know?" 
Julie: "I'm not clueless. I found men's boxers in the clothes hamper." 
Susan: "Oh, don't write that down. Oh, but this is good. You can let Mike go. He's innocent." 
Detective Copeland: "Well, assuming everything you're telling me is true." 
Julie: "It's true. The next morning she made pancakes in the shape of little hearts. Seriously. Little hearts."
(Susan gives her a light slap on the leg.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Gabrielle's Bedroom]
(Gabrielle walks into her bedroom from the bathroom, tying a bathrobe around her. She turns around and gasps.) (Justin stands in the doorway.) 
Gabrielle: "Justin, what are you doing up here?" 
Justin: "Uh, I finished the hedges. Is there anything else Mr. Solis wants done?" 
Gabrielle: "I don't know. He's not here. He had a meeting with his lawyer." 
Justin: "So, I guess that means we're all alone." 
Gabrielle: "No, that means I'm all alone. You're leaving." 
Justin: "I'm not in a hurry. C'mon, maybe we could hang out for a little while." 
Gabrielle: "I don't think so."
Justin: "C'mon, if you just got to know me, you'd see I can be lots of fun. All my friends say so." 
Gabrielle: "Well, I'm not interested in becoming one of your friends. Get out of my bedroom." 
Justin: "C'mon, Mrs. Solis, be nice."
(He grabs her and leans in for a kiss. She slaps him.) 
Justin: "You shouldn't have done that." 
Gabrielle: "Do you know how easy it would be for me to call my husband and tell him what you just tried to do?" 
Justin: "Not as easy as it'd be for me to tell him what happened between you and John. I'm sorry, Mrs. Solis, but you're gonna have to be nice to me, at least once."
(She stares at him in confusion as he walks off.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Outside Mike's House]
(A police car drops him off and Susan runs to greet him.) 
Susan: "Mike! Mike, are you okay?" 
Mike: "Uh, yeah, yeah, I'm a little bit embarrassed. Must be the talk of the neighborhood." 
Susan: "No, not really, no. So guess what? I'm your alibi. I told the police that we were together the night that Mrs. Huber was killed and that I could never forget that night." 
Mike: "So you don't think I killed Mrs. Huber?" 
Susan: "No, no, of course not. I could never think you killed anybody, even I wasn't your alibi, which I am." 
Mike: "Okay, I'm, um, I'm gonna go take a shower. Jail is kinda gross. I'll call you later, okay?" 
Susan: "Sure. When?" 
Mike: "Later, I've just got some stuff I've got to take care of, okay?" 
Susan: "Okay."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[John and Justin's Apartment]
(John opens his door. Bree is standing there.) 
John: "Mrs. Van De Kamp." 
Bree: "Hello, John. I'm sorry to drop by on you, unannounced. Do you have a moment?" 
John: "Sure. So, what can I do for you?" 
Bree: "Well, I'll tell you. My daughter is planning on giving you her virginity and I would consider it a personal favor if you wouldn't take it."
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[Lynette's Place]
(Tom arrives home.) 
Tom: "Hey." 
Lynette: "Hi. So, what's the word on Tim?" 
Tom: "He came through the triple bypass with flying colors." 
Lynette: "Thank god." 
Tom: "Course, it's not all coming up roses. He's not going to be able to come back to work for four, four and a half months." 
Lynette: "Oh."
(Tom sits down at the table with a beer, clearly very happy.) 
Lynette: "What?" 
Tom: "The company still needs to expand, so I figure they need a fit, heart-smart guy like me to step up, take the ball." 
Lynette: "You're going after Tim Doogan's promotion?" 
Tom: "No. I already got it. You should've seen me. I walked straight into Peterson's office and I told him he would be a fool to hold Doogan's promotion." 
Lynette: "You called your boss a fool?" 
Tom: "I did. That was risky in retrospect, but you know what? Still, he gave me the job. Look at me. It's me, I'm the man, I got the whole west coast." 
Lynette: "Oh my -- what? What? The whole west coast? I thought you were going after an in-house position." 
Tom: "No, no, no. I'm setting up new offices from Seattle to L.A. I, I told you that." 
Lynette: "No. No, you didn't." 
Tom: "Okay, so it's gonna be a little bit more travel." 
Lynette: "More travel? Tom, you're barely here half the time as it is. Now you're going to have -- what, twice the work load?" 
Tom: "Honey? Please, don't ruin this." 
Lynette: "I'm sorry, but you should have consulted me." 
Tom: "I did. You told me to stop being a shrinking violet and to step up." 
Lynette: "I thought this was an in-house position." 
Tom: "Okay, I'm going to go shower." 
Lynette: "Look, wait, wait. I know what this means to you." 
Tom: "No, you don't. No, you don't. I am forty-one years old. If I don't make vice president now, it's never gonna happen. This is my career. It's, it's important to me." 
Lynette: "So was mine, but I'm here, aren't I?" 
Tom: "I'm gonna take the job."
(He goes upstairs.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[John and Justin's Apartment]
(Bree and John sit facing each other in the living room.) 
Bree: "She said that you broke up with her because she refused to have sex." 
John: "Wow. Um, okay, here's the deal. I said that, but it was just an excuse. The truth is, I wasn't that into her." 
Bree: "Really?" 
John: "And she was always so proud of never having done it, I figured, hey, this is my way out." 
Bree: "Well, she feels very passionately about you." 
John: "Well, don't get me wrong. She's nice, but the truth is, there's someone else." 
Bree: "Oh, are you going steady?" 
John: "Not exactly. We were seeing each other pretty regularly but this other lady - girl, she sorta dumped me." 
Bree: "Oh, I see." 
John: "Well, look. I'll talk to Danielle, and don't worry, I'll let her down gently." 
Bree: "Uh, actually, I would prefer if you didn't." 
John: "Huh?" 
Bree: "I know my daughter. She's very determined, and unless you're really firm with her, she's going to continue to think that there's hope." 
John: "Okay. I'll be firm." 
Bree: "Better still, be brutal."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Diner]
(Mike enters and finds Mr. Shaw eating a big piece of chocolate cake. He sits down at the booth with Mr. Shaw.) 
Mike: "Decided to indulge your sweet tooth, huh?" 
Mr. Shaw: "I'll be dead inside a year. I got bigger things to worry about than my waistline. So, who's the woman they think you killed?" 
Mike: "Martha Huber, local busybody. I thought her murder was random." 
Mr. Shaw: "Nothing random about her jewelry ending up in your garage. Did you kill her?" 
Mike: "No. Whoever set me up did a good job, though. The cops are all over me." 
Mr. Shaw: "You getting close to something?" 
Mike: "If I'm getting close, I don't see it." 
Mr. Shaw: "What I'm saying is, people leave trails. One of those trails could lead to Deirdre. Whoever set you up must know that." 
Mike: "Yeah, maybe. But I won't be much good to you locked up." 
Mr. Shaw: "I'm rich, Mike. One of the best things about being rich is the security of knowing you can buy your way out of any problem. I'm not taking my money to the grave. I'm gonna use it to save your ass."
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[John and Justin's Apartment]
(Justin opens the door. Gabrielle is on the other side.) 
Justin: "Mrs. Solis!" 
Gabrielle: "Hello, Justin." 
Justin: "What are you doing here?" 
Gabrielle: "I am here to talk to your roommate." 
Justin: "John? I didn't think you guys talked anymore." 
Gabrielle: "Well, now we have something to talk about. You." 
Justin: "Me?" 
Gabrielle: "Yes, I'm gonna tell him how you're trying to blackmail me into sleeping with you. I wonder how he'll react." 
Justin: "Mrs. Solis --" 
Gabrielle: "Think he'll get violent?" 
Justin: "You can't talk to John about that." 
Gabrielle: "Oh, I can, and I will, you little worthless piece of crap." 
Justin: "Listen, Mrs. Solis. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't want to blackmail you." 
Gabrielle: "Then why did you?" 
Justin: "I really needed to sleep with you." 
Gabrielle: "Why?" 
Justin: "Because. I think I might be gay." 
Gabrielle: "Oh."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Tom's Office]
(The boys come running in, followed by Lynette.) 
Boys: "Daddy!" 
Tom: "What's up?" 
Lynette: "Oh, we went out for burgers and the boys knew you wouldn't be home till after, um, bedtime so we decided to pop in and visit the new V.P." 
Tom: "Yeah, well, check it out. I finally got an office with a window, huh?" 
Lynette: "Yep, it's all about the window." 
Tom: "Hey, guys, hey, who wants chair rides?" 
Boys: "Me!" 
Tom: "C'mon, out this way. Here we go."
(Tom and the boys run into the lounge area and begin playing. Lynette watches them from the other side of the glass.)
(A woman walks into the office and grins at Lynette.) 
Mrs. Peterson: "Checking out the new executive digs?" 
Lynette: "Oh, you know it." 
Mrs. Peterson: "Can I tell you a little secret?" 
Lynette: "Sure." 
Mrs. Peterson: "Dan wanted to hold the promotion over for Tim Doogan and I'm the one that convinced him to give it to Tom." 
Lynette: "Really?" 
Mrs. Peterson: "Uh-huh. Tom is such a workhorse and he wanted it so badly." 
Lynette: "Yeah, he certainly did." 
Mrs. Peterson: "What is wrong? Aren't you happy about this promotion?"
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Lynette realized it was in her best interest to lie to the boss's wife."
Lynette: "Well, it's great, obviously. Thank you."
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Provided she wasn't too convincing."
Lynette: "Of course, I mean, I will miss him being gone all the time. He'll be bringing in more money, but he is gonna miss the birthdays, baseball games, first steps. That's the trade-off, right? I just hope one day Tom doesn't look back and regret being gone so much. I better get out there before they break something." 
Mrs. Peterson: "Of course, I will see you soon." 
Lynette: "Okay."
(Mrs. Peterson watches Lynette.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[John and Justin's Apartment]
Gabrielle: "So, have you been acting on these feelings?" 
Justin: "I got a buddy. We get together, mess around, but it's no big deal. Just lately, I've been starting to, like, care about him and I don't know how to handle it." 
Gabrielle: "Wow." 
Justin: "Yeah, and I thought if I sleep with somebody like you, I'll know for sure and I can stop freaking out about this." 
Gabrielle: "Yeah, but why me? You're a good looking kid. Why don't you test drive someone your own age?" 
Justin: "Girls talk. If I start something with somebody and it doesn't...work out, everybody at school will find out, and I figured I could trust you because you have husband and all." 
Gabrielle: "Well, I guess that makes sense in a weird sort of way." 
Justin: "You know, my buddy and I, we've been messing around for quite a while and, this whole time, I just kept telling myself, it didn't really mean anything. Guess I just been kidding' myself, huh?" 
Gabrielle: "We're all in denial about something. But you're finally facing the truth and I think that's sort of brave." 
Justin: "Thanks." 
Gabrielle: "I should probably go." 
Justin: "Uh, just so you know, I never would have told Mr. Solis about you and John. I may be gay, but I'm not a jerk."
(She walks up to him and kisses him passionately.) 
Gabrielle: "Did you feel anything?" 
Justin: "Not really." 
Gabrielle: "Definitely gay."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Susan's House, nighttime]
(Susan answers a knock at the door while Julie does her homework at the kitchen table.) 
Susan: "Hi." 
Detective Copeland: "Hi. I'm sorry to bother you at night, Miss Mayer, but I was hoping that maybe you could come down to the station with me, uh, just answer a few more questions." 
Susan: "Now? Well, I'm, I'm sorry, my daughter and I were going to go see a movie tonight."
(As Susan and Detective Copeland talk, Julie looks out the kitchen window across the street to where Zach's party is.) 
Julie: "Mom- we can do it another night. I'll be fine." 
Susan: "Uh, let me get my purse." 
Detective Copeland: "Great." 
Susan: "Are you sure?" 
Julie: "Yeah." 
Susan: "I'm sure I won't be late. Bye." 
Julie: "Bye."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Police Interrogation Room]
(Susan sits at a small table. Detective Copeland sits down across from her, next to a video camera that's trained on Susan's face.) 
(Behind a two-way mirror, a dark-haired man watches the two of them in the room.) 
Detective Copeland: "You said that Mike came to your house around ten p.m. on the night of the seventh?" 
Susan: "Um, am I supposed to talk into the camera?" 
Detective Copeland: "No, no, just talk to me." 
Susan: "Okay. Uh, yes. He came over around ten o'clock." 
Detective Copeland: "Do you know of any tension between Mike and Martha Huber?" 
Susan: "No." 
Detective Copeland: "Were you aware that Mike was shot recently?" 
Susan: "Yes, on Valentine's Day." 
Detective Copeland: "And do you know how it came about?" 
Susan: "He dropped his gun, cleaning it." 
Detective Copeland: "Miss Mayer, with all due respect, I've been working around guns for years. I've never seen one discharge when it hits the ground. Someone has to pull the trigger." 
Susan: "Well, I wouldn't know about that." 
Detective Copeland: "Were you aware there was a home invasion, uh, three blocks from you on Pine Avenue, the day before Valentines?" 
Susan: "No." 
Detective Copeland: "The intruder was shot in the stomach. Where was Mike's wound?" 
Susan: "The stomach." 
Detective Copeland: "Do you love him?" 
Susan: "What? What does that have to do with -" 
Detective Copeland: "It's just sometimes people do stupid things when they're in love. I should know. I've been married four times. Tell me the truth. He wasn't with you that night, was he? He asked you to lie for him, didn't he?" 
Susan: "No, he didn't. He was with me and Mike wouldn't kill anybody. I'm sure of that."
(Detective Copeland stands up and picks up a nearby file folder. He puts on his reading glasses, opens the thick folder, puts it on the table, sits down, and reads out loud.) 
Detective Copeland: "Mike Delfino. Convicted nineteen eighty seven, did five and a half years for drug trafficking and manslaughter."
(He turns the folder around towards Susan so she can see Mike's fingerprints and mug shots.) 
Detective Copeland: "You want a coffee. I'm gonna go for coffee."
(She looks up and shakes her head.) 
(He steps through the door that has the two-way mirror on it and stands with the other man.) 
Detective Copeland: "So is she covering for her guy?" 
Man: "Nah, she's just a sucker."
(On the video camera, Susan looks shocked as she looks through the folder.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Zach's Party]
(Danielle and Julie enter. The party is in full swing, with lots of kids around.) 
Julie: "I guess no one's in the pool yet. Are you gonna swim?" 
Danielle: "Please. I just spent an hour blowing out my hair."
(She sees John sitting alone on the couch.) 
Danielle: "I'll, I'll see you later, okay?" 
Julie: "Okay."
(Danielle joins John on the sofa, and gives him a quick kiss near his mouth. Subtly, he pulls slightly away as she kisses him.) 
Danielle: "Hey, I've got a surprise for you. You want to go somewhere and talk?" 
John: "Yeah. We should talk."
(They get up. Zach comes in from the kitchen.) 
Zach: "Hi, you made it." 
Julie: "Andrew's here. I didn't think he'd come." 
Zach: "Yeah, he brought a lot of friends. They're acting like total jerks. Alert the media. I don't care. You're here now. This is gonna be great."
(In the pool area, a couple of kids are in the water, but most are hanging around by the pool.) 
(From one of the entrances out into the pool area, Danielle enters. John rushes after her.) 
John: "Danielle!" 
Danielle: "Don't touch me!"
(John stops and Danielle rushes off.) 
(Andrew and another guy pick up a lawn chair with another boy in it and throw it and the boy into the pool.) 
(Zach and Julie, sitting on another lawn chair, watch.) 
Zach: "Can you possibly take it easy?" 
Andrew: "It's cool, man. Look, he floats. Relax, it's a party. You're the main party animal, right? Am I right?" 
Zach: "I guess." 
Andrew: "All right. Well, then act like it. C'mon, give me a howl. C'mon, you're the host. Revel in it. Give me a howl. (howls) Awooo!" 
Zach (feebly): "Woo!"
(Several kids standing nearby laugh and Andrew chuckles, then slaps Zach on the back before walking off.) 
Andrew: "There you go." 
Julie: "You okay?" 
Zach: "What do I care? He's nothing. I could take care of him if I wanted to." 
Julie: "What do you mean?" 
Zach: "I know where my mom kept her gun."
(He holds up his hand, pointing his index and middle fingers at Zach as though his hand were a gun, and pretends to aim and shoot Andrew.) 
Zach (quietly): "Pow." 
Julie: "That's not funny, Zach." 
Zach: "Well, if you think about it, yeah, it kind of is."
(Julie begins to leave.) 
Zach: "Julie!"
(Outside, Danielle stands crying by the mailbox. Julie comes up to her.) 
Julie: "Hey, Danielle. Are you okay?" 
Danielle: "I just want to go home. Can we go?" 
Julie: "Sure."
(They start walking when Zach runs out of the house after them.) 
Zach: "Julie!" 
Julie: "I'm taking Danielle home." 
Zach: "Are you coming back?" 
Julie: "I don't think so."
(They keep walking. Zach looks at the house, then turns and starts running in the opposite direction from Julie and Danielle.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Lynette's Bedroom]
(She gets into bed where Tom is reading.) 
Tom: "So how was that P.T.A. meeting?" 
Lynette: "Long." 
Tom: "So Peterson called me into his office today." 
Lynette: "Really?" 
Tom: "Yeah, he, uh, changed his mind. He's gonna hold that promotion for Doogan." 
Lynette: "Oh." 
Tom: "Yeah, it's, it's fine. Y'know, I'm glad, really. Having to work all those long hours and you know how I hate flying, it just does, you know horrible things for my back. God, with all that extra stress, I'd have ended up exactly like Tim Doogan ten years from now, so." 
Lynette: "Yeah, of course." 
Tom: "So, it's, it's over." 
Lynette: "Look, you're gonna make vice president one of these days." 
Tom: "It's okay. Honest. I am really glad it worked out this way." 
Lynette: "Okay."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Susan's House, nighttime]
(A police car drops her off in front of her house. As she walks towards her front door, Mike comes up behind her.) 
Susan: "Oh, God, you scared me." 
Mike: "How'd it go?" 
Susan: "It went just peachy, and humiliating, and shocking." 
Mike: "Susan..." 
Susan: "How could you? God, 'Susan, do you trust me?' Yes, of course I do. Oh, I'm such an idiot, and you're such a liar. Oh, and apparently a killer, and a drug dealer. That's just quite a personal ad you've got going there." 
Mike: "Susan, I came to Wisteria Lane--" 
Susan: "Stop! Stop Mike, just stop. If you keep talking, you're gonna work your way into my heart and I just don't want you anywhere near my heart. Ever."
(She goes into her house and shuts the door. She leans against it and starts crying. Pushing herself away from the door, she starts towards the stairs.) 
Susan: "Julie? Mommy needs a hug. Julie?"
(She turns and sees the unfinished homework on the table. Looking out the window, she sees the party scene across the street. She marches over. A couple of boys stand outside and Susan passes by them on the way inside Paul's house.) 
Susan: "Is Julie in there? Julie Mayer?" 
Boy: "I dunno. It's pretty dead in there."
(She walks into the living room, which is empty, and then into the pool area, which is completely vacant, except for two people kissing passionately at the far end of the pool.) 
Susan: "Julie Alexandra Mayer!"
(There's a small splash as the two people duck underneath the water.) 
Susan: "Oh, Julie, Zach, this is ridiculous. You can't hold your breath forever."
(Her feet get tangled in something on the ground. She untangles herself and realizes she was trapped in a pair of men's boxers. Holding them up in front of her, she glares furiously at the two submerged bodies in the water.) 

Susan: "Oh, you might as well just stay under there and never come up for air because when you do, I'm gonna choke the living daylights out of you."
(One person emerges and Susan sees that it's Justin.) 
Susan: "Oh, um, is my daughter under there?"
(Justin shakes his head, and the other person in the pool emerges, taking a deep breath of air. It's Andrew.) 
Susan: "Oh." 
Andrew: "I'm not, I'm not gay." 
Susan: "Oh, I, okay, I'm, I'm sorry. Uh, I'll just, I'm just gonna leave those right there."
(Susan begins leaving the pool area, but in her haste and surprise, trips over everything in her path. Andrew and Justin just watch her as she hurries out of the area.) 
Susan: "Oh! I'm fine, it's good, you just, you know, uh, did, did you see - no! Oh, good bye!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Gabrielle's House]
Carlos: "Sell the house. Are you crazy?" 
Gabrielle: "Carlos, we can't afford to live here anymore." 
Carlos: "But if our lawyer gets the Justice Department to unfreeze the bank accounts then--" 
Gabrielle: "Then what? Huh? Finish the sentence, Carlos. We've tons of legal bills, you've lost all your clients and even with our savings, we're screwed." 
Carlos: "But, it's our house." 
Gabrielle: "Honey, I know. I love this place, too. It's just, I think it's time for us to face the music."
(He walks out to the front porch. She follows.) 
Carlos: "I never thought I'd be poor at this stage of my life." 
Gabrielle: "You know, Carlos, I've been broke a lot of times in my life. But, I've never been poor, because poor is just a state of mind, and right now you and I are just..." 
Carlos: "Without funds?" 
Gabrielle: "Exactly." 
Carlos: "I guess we could get an apartment. Start over." 
Gabrielle: "Who knows? It might even be fun." 
Carlos: "And once we're back on our feet, we'll get a house as big as this one." 
Gabrielle: "Bigger."
(They kiss and turn to look at their house.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Diner]
(Mr. Shaw sits at a booth across from a man whose face isn't visible right away.) 
Man: "So I get my wife this dog for her birthday. A stray, from the pound. The cheapest gift I'd ever gotten her and she loves it, so I'm a genius, right? Then, I find out it's got this weird blood disease. Now I'm laying out six hundred dollars a month for doggie medicine for this mutt and I'm a genius, right?" 
Mr. Shaw: "Don't be cynical. You did something nice, made your wife happy. Now, let's talk about what's gonna make you happy."
(The man is shown and we see it's the second detective from the police station.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes, each new day in suburbia brings with it a new set of lies. The worst are the ones we tell ourselves before we fall asleep."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bree's House]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"We whisper them in the dark, telling ourselves we're happy..."
(Rex and Bree lie in bed. Rex is sleeping while Bree is awake. She looks over at Rex.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Lynette's House]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...or that he's happy..."
(Tom and Lynette lie in bed. Tom is sleeping while Lynette is awake. She looks over at him.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[John and Justin's Apartment]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...that we can change..."
(Justin props himself up on his elbow in bed, staring into the darkness.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bree's House]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...or that he will change his mind."
(Danielle props herself up on her elbow in bed, staring into the darkness.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Mike's House]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"We persuade ourselves we can live with our sins..."
(Mike lies in bed, awake. He turns over, away from the camera.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Susan's House]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...or that we can live without him."
(Susan rolls over, facing the camera, tears glistening on her face.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Outside Susan's House]
(The nighttime slowly fades to daybreak.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes. Each night before we fall asleep we lie to ourselves in a desperate, desperate hope that, come morning, it will all be true."
~ The End ~




Desperate Housewives 
1x16 - The Ladies Who Lunch
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mary Alice Voiceover Previously on Desperate Housewives:
Rex:Hey, Maisy.
Bree:Are you having an affair with my husband?
Mary Alice Voiceover:Mistresses were confronted.
Carlos:Very good to be back.
Gabrielle:What's that?
Carlos:I'm on house arrest.It's a condition of my bail.
Gabrielle:How will you work?
Carlos:I can't. I can't do anything.
Mary Alice Voiceover:The tables were turned,
Felicia: Lord, that's Angela.
Mary Alice Voiceover: and secrets from the past...
Paul: I'm afraid you're mistaken. My wife's name was Mary Alice.
Mary Alice Voiceover:...caught up with everyone.
Susan: I'm such an idiot! And you're such a liar! Oh, and apparently a killer!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Throughout even the most respectable of neighborhoods, you can hear the sound of scandal..."
(Ida Greenberg picks up a newspaper from a front walk and looks around guiltily. Then she sneaks quickly back to her own house while Bree comes out her house, holding a coffee cup.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Some scandals announce themselves with a shout..."
Bree: "Ida! Ida Greenberg,that is not your paper!"
(Cut to Tom signing a paper on a clipboard while a cable guy stands next to him.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Some with a whisper..."
Cable Guy: "Throw me a $20, and I'll hook you up with free porn."
(Tom glances back at the house, then looks at the cable guy.) 
(Cut to kids toilet-papering a house. They've covered nearly the entire front of the house when a man comes outside holding a shotgun.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"And some with bang."
Man: "Get the hell off my lawn!"
(He shoots the gun up into the air as the kids scatter. )
(Cut to Maisy Gibbons' house. Wearing sexy lingerie, she leads a gray-haired man up the stairs and into the bedroom.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"And once in a great while, there comes a scandal so deliciously sordid, its roar drowns out all other noise."
Man: "So your husband -- does he have any idea how many men pay for the privilege of sleeping in this bed?"
(He hands her some money and she tucks it away into a small box by the bed.) 
Maisy: "There's not a lot of sleeping going on - not if I'm doing my job right. So how do you want to get started?"
(He pulls out handcuffs and holds them up.) 
Man: "With these." 
Maisy: "Well! That's going to cost you extra." 
Man: "Maisy Gibbons, you're under arrest for solicitation." 
Maisy: "What?"
Man: "Please turn and place your hands on the bed." 
Maisy: "I'm sorry. I'm -- I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Now."
(He grabs her and forces her face down on the bed, putting the handcuffs on her.) 
Maisy: "Hey! Aah! You get off me!"
(The man leads Maisy outside, where a handful of cops wait by a couple of squad cars.) 
Maisy: "This is entrapment." 
Man: "Right." 
Maisy: "You all are making a gigantic mistake." 
Man: "Yeah, yeah. Hey, fellas, here's one for your memoirs."
(Maisy breaks away from him and begins running down the sidewalk. The cops chase after her and when she trips and falls on her face, they pick her up, holding her off of the ground as she screams and shouts at them. Neighbors stand around, watching.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes, the scandalous arrest of Maisy Gibbons would soon prove to be the shot heard 'round the world."
(One of the neighbors watching pulls out her cell phone and flips it open.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Credits
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Maisy is forced into the back of a cop car and the cops get into the front seat. She stares out the window.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"It is often said that good news travels fast, but as every housewife knows, bad news moves quite a bit faster."
(The woman who pulled out her cell phone earlier dials a number.) 
Woman: "Tisha? Hey. You are not going to believe this. Maisy Gibbons was arrested." 
Tisha: "You cannot be serious."
(The news travels very quickly throughout the neighborhood.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Barcliff Academy]
(The crossing guard walks distractedly across the street, on her cell phone.) 
Crossing Guard: "Maisy Gibbons running in handcuffs? I'd've killed to see that!"
(She walks past Lynette's car. Lynette turns to Parker, sitting in the back seat.) 
Lynette: "I'll be right back."
(She walks up to the front of the school, where some mothers are standing and a school official is talking to them.) 
Headmaster Lenz: "Ladies, please calm down, ma'am. This is just a precaution. If you'll just take a flyer..."
(Lynette walks up to two other women, Tammy and Mona.) 
Lynette: "Hey, guys. What's going on?" 
Tammy: "Oh, there's been an outbreak of head lice." 
Lynette: "Head lice." 
Headmaster Lenz: "These flyers detail all the important information concerning the situation, including the recommended delousing combs." 
Tammy: "Delousing? Do they have to make it sound so disgusting?" 
Mona: "Does anybody know where it started?" 
Headmaster Lenz: "I'm sorry. That's confidential information. Barcliff maintains a strict no-blame policy."
(Preston and Porter walk out of the school and Lynette waves to them.) 
Lynette: "Hey, guys, over here." 
Mona: "I think parents have a right to know who brought this into our school."
(As the boys walk toward her, they both begin scratching their heads.) 
Headmaster Lenz: "Please calm down, ma'am. Our position is that there's nothing to be gained by pointing fingers."
(Tammy notices Lynette's intense gaze at her children and turns to see what she's looking at.) 
Headmaster Lenz: "To identify the child who initiated the outbreak might result in him or her being subjected to ridicule."
(Tammy sees the twins scratching and turns a meaningful gaze onto Mona, who catches sight of them as well. Lynette, distracted, keeps her eyes on her boys.) 
Lynette: "I, um, excuse me." 
Headmaster Lenz: "If you'll just take a flyer..." 
Lynette: "Stop scratching. Stop scratching. Now, now, stop it. Guys, let's go, okay? Stop scratching. I mean it. Stop, stop." 
Lynette: "Hey. See you later." 
Tammy and Mona: "Bye."
(They watch Lynette and her boys walk away from them.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Gabrielle's House]
(Gabrielle is in the shower when Carlos walks into the bathroom. He sips from a cup of coffee and looks down at the sink, which is slowly filling up, from the drain, with brown-colored liquid.) 
Carlos: "What the hell? Gabrielle!" 
Gabrielle: "What?" 
Carlos: "Hey, Gabrielle! I think we got a problem here!" 
Gabrielle: "I can't hear you!" 
Carlos: "I said, I think we got a problem! The water's backing up here!" 
Gabrielle: "What?" 
Carlos (to himself): "Is that sewage?"
(Gabrielle starts screaming from the shower.) 
Carlos: "Yeah, that's sewage."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Carlos and Gabrielle stand next to a large hole that Mike dug in their front yard. Mike stands in the hole.] 
Gabrielle: "So, uh, Mike. The suspense is killing us. Why don't you just tell us the bad news?" 
Mike: "Well, your outtake pipe's completely corroded. That's why it collapsed. I'm gonna have to tear it out and repipe the whole system." 
Gabrielle: "And how much is this gonna cost?" 
Mike: "I'll do the job for you at cost, but you're still looking at six, seven grand, minimum."
(Gabrielle looks at Carlos and he clears his throat quietly.) 
Gabrielle: "Okay, well, we'll let you know." 
Mike: "Look, um...if money's an issue..." 
Gabrielle: "Oh, no, no, no, it's not the money. It's just, uh, Carlos and I are trying to prioritize some little things we need to do around the house." 
Mike: "Right. And, uh, you don't consider sewage backing up in the house a priority?" 
Gabrielle: "It's definitely on the short list." 
Mike: "I'm kind of surprised you called me." 
Gabrielle: "Why?" 
Mike: "Well, um, ever since my arrest, nobody around here seems to want to have much to do with me."
(Carlos chuckles and lifts a leg slightly, showing Mike the detector that's around his ankle.) 
Carlos: "Innocent until proven guilty, my man."
(They turn and walk back into the house.) 
Gabrielle: "Hope he's more innocent than you are."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Susan's House]
(Susan pushes the Play button on her answering machine.) 
Lynette's Voice: "Hey, it's Lynette. I know you're down about this Mike thing, but you got to come to poker. It'll be worth it. I got dirt on Maisy Gibbons."
(The machine goes to the next message.) 
Mike's Voice: "Hey, Susan, it's me. Look, I really wish you'd return my calls. We need to talk. I know I messed things --"
(Susan pushes the Erase button, cutting him off. )
Julie: "You okay?" 
Susan: "Hi." 
Julie: "You know, I can stay home if you want." 
Susan: "No, no, no. Now, I know how much you were looking forward to this weekend with your dad. I'm fine." 
Julie: "You don't look fine." 
Susan: "Well...I'm a little sad. Mike and I were just a fling. And not even a full fling. Sort of a borderline fling." 
Julie: "Mom, anyone can see how much you loved him." 
Susan: "Well, I also loved junk food, and I gave that up, and I survived."
(A horn honks from outside.) 
Susan: "There's your father. Go have fun." 
Julie: "Last chance. You're sure?" 
Susan: "I'm sure. Now go." 
Julie: "You'll find someone else, mom. Someone great. I know it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Fairview Country Club]
(Rex and Bree sit at a table eating lunch.) 
Bree: "What's wrong, Rex? Didn't you enjoy your golf game with Dr. Wallace?" 
Rex: "I didn't play. I'm still feeling sluggish." 
Bree: "Still? Did you talk to him about that?" 
Rex: "Yeah, of course. He doesn't understand why the medication isn't working, and he wants me to come in for a checkup tomorrow."

(Some women laughing at the next table cause the two of them to turn and look. Tisha walks away from that table and heads to another one.) 
Bree: "I can see that Tisha is making the rounds. She must have some juicy new anecdote." 
Rex: "Then, get her over here. I could use a funny story today." 
Bree: "Tisha. Tisha. Oh, I can tell by that look on your face you've got something good. Now, come on, don't be selfish." 
Tisha: "Well, first off, you're not friends with Maisy Gibbons, are you?"
(There's a short pause as Rex and Bree stare at each other before Bree turns back to Tisha.) 
Bree: "No." 
Tisha: "Thank god, because this is too good. Maisy was arrested. While Harold was at work, she was having sex with men in her house for money. Can you imagine?" 
Bree: "No, I can't." 
Tisha: "And that's not even the best part. Word is, she had a little black book with all her clients' names." 
Rex: "So, uh...you think that'll get out?" 
Tisha: "Of course. These things always do. Nancy, wait up. I can't wait to tell you this. Wait, wait."
(She rushes off.) 
Bree: "Well, you heard your funny story, Rex. Why aren't you laughing?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Lynette's House]
(Lynette and Tom stand over a twin, combing out any and all lice that they find. The telephone rings.) 
Tom: "I'll get it."
(He quickly tosses a louse into a cup of water on the table and picks up the phone. One of the twins reaches for the glass.) 
Lynette: "Aah, aah, aah." 
Tom: "Hello. Hi, Tammy, yeah." 
Twin: "Can we see one of the bugs?" 
Lynette: "Yeah, here. See? It's this little white thing. Look. It looks like a --"
She sees that the twin she had been working on took the tweezers and clamped them on his face. 
Lynette: "Aw, jeez. (she removes the tweezers) It looks like a sesame seed." 
Twin: "That's cool." 
Lynette: "Yeah, well, there's lots more where that came from." 
Tom: "No, I'm -- I'm so sorry. He must be so disappointed. But, look, we'll get all the boys together once Topher's back on his feet. Bye." 
Lynette: "What'd Tammy want?" 
Tom: "She's canceling Topher's birthday party on Sunday. He's come down with the measles, so..." 
Twin: "Aww!" 
Lynette: "Measles, huh?" 
Tom: "Yeah. What?" 
Lynette: "Tammy Brennan spent a fortune on Topher's party. She'd call in specialists from Switzerland before she'd let it be canceled." 
Tom: "Okay. Why would Tammy lie to us?" 
Lynette: "Because she saw Porter scratching his head at school. They all did, and now word's getting around." 
Tom: "Why is everything a conspiracy theory with you? I mean, lots of kids get lice. It's not that big a deal." 
Lynette: "Well, it is for the rich bee-eye-tee-see-atch's..."
(Tom looks exasperated as he quickly covers the ears of the twin he's working on.) 
Lynette: "...at Barcliff Academy." 
Tom: "Lynette." 
Lynette: "It's been one day, and they've been disinvited to a birthday party. If rumors start flying, these boys can kiss campouts and pool parties goodbye." 
Twin: "Uh-oh." 
Lynette: "Yeah, not so cool now, huh?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Paul's House]
(Edie hands Paul a folder with papers in it.) 
Edie: "It's all here. Appraisal, title search, and escrow documents. " 
Paul: "Again, I'm sorry about changing my mind, but this just isn't really a good time to sell the house. Zach's going through a lot, and he wants to finish high school before moving." 
Edie: "Ah, forget it. It's part of the business. I expect to get screwed over."
(As they walk down the sidewalk towards Edie's car, she opens her briefcase.) 
Edie: "Now, where is your house key? Oh, I must have left it at home. I'll bring it by tonight." 
Paul: "No one will be here. Zach's away on a school trip, and I'm going to Mount Pleasant on business today. Just, uh, drop it by tomorrow." 
Edie: "Or I could just keep it." 
Paul: "What?" 
Edie: "It's a joke, Paul. I know your wife's dead and all, but it's been six months. Lighten up."
(She walks to her car and Felicia comes down the sidewalk towards them.) 
Felicia: "Hello." 
Paul: "Felicia." 
Edie: "Oh, hi, Felicia." 
Felicia: "Edie, I found this in my sister's things. It has your name on it." 
Edie (gasps): "My necklace. Oh, you know...I lent this to Martha three months ago, and she said that it went down the drain. Oh, I miss how we used to steal things from one another." 
Paul: "So, Felicia. I heard they have a suspect in your sister's murder. Mike Delfino." 
Felicia: "Oh, he didn't kill her." 
Paul: "But they found her jewelry in his garage." 
Felicia: "But his fingerprints weren't on any of it." 
Paul: "Well, that just means he wore gloves." 
Felicia: "So, he's smart enough to use gloves, but he leaves her blood-spattered jewelry lying around for anyone to find? Please. Is that what you'd do if you killed someone?" 
Paul: "I don't know what goes through the mind of a murderer. I'm just saying I wouldn't trust him if I were you."
(Edie finishes putting the necklace around her neck and after a moment of staring thoughtfully at Paul, Felicia turns to her.) 
Felicia: "Edie...that is lovely. Is it an antique?" 
Edie: "Yeah, I think so." 
Felicia: "You know, I know a store you would love. It specializes in antique jewelry. It's in Salt Lake City. Have you ever been to Salt Lake City?" 
Edie: "No, I try to steer clear of Utah. It's a little too...conservative for me." 
Felicia: "Too bad. Have you ever been, Paul?" 
Paul: "No." 
Felicia: "It's lovely. I used to live there when I was a nurse. You should definitely go sometime."
(She chuckles.) 
Felicia: "Bye."
(She leaves, with Paul and Edie staring after her.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Lynette's House, bathroom]
(Gabrielle hurriedly brushes her teeth. A little later, she uses a washcloth to give herself a quick sponge bath on her arms and neck. After making herself look presentable, she takes the washcloth she was using and tosses it to the side. )
Mary Alice Voiceover:"With no indoor plumbing, Gabrielle was now forced to improvise when it came to her personal hygiene wherever and whenever she had the opportunity."
(A few minutes later, she enters Lynette's kitchen and sits down at the table, where she picks up her cards and reaches for some food in the center of the table.) 
Gabrielle: "Ahem. Sorry." 
Edie: "That's okay. I was just about to give a Maisy Gibbons update." 
Lynette: "Guys, we should be ashamed of ourselves for reveling in that woman's misery. That being said, Edie, please continue." 
Edie: "Well, I hear from a very reliable source that Maisy's gonna cut a deal with the prosecution. Apparently, she has some high-profile johns, and the D.A.'s looking for a second term." 
Lynette: "I don't get it. I don't get who would pay Maisy for sex." 
Gabrielle: "Obviously, someone who's not getting it at home." 
Edie: "So, the upshot is Maisy is going to turn over her little black book with all of her clients' names." 
Lynette: "Really." 
Edie: "Yep. I mean, can you imagine the fallout when this goes public? Ooh, blood on the walls." 
Gabrielle: "I'm all in." 
Lynette: "I'll call. Bree? " 
Bree: "Uh, what just happened?" 
Lynette: "The stakes were raised." 
Bree: "Yes, yes, they were. I fold."
(Later, Lynette cleans up while Edie sits at the table, organizing the chips she won.) 
Lynette: "I can't believe how lucky you were today." 
Edie: "Luck had nothing to do with it. I had crappy cards. I was bluffing the entire time." 
Lynette: "Really? Wow, you're good." 
Edie: "Oh, that's the only nice thing I could say about my first husband -- he taught me how to bluff." 
Lynette: "He played poker?" 
Edie: "No, he was lousy in bed. I had to fake a lot of orgasms. You don't have to respond." 
Lynette: "Thank you." 
Edie: "So, uh, where was Susan today?" 
Lynette: "Um, I'm not sure." 
Edie: "Wow! Tom must be great in bed." 
Lynette: "Huh?" 
Edie: "Well, obviously, you have no idea how to bluff." 
Lynette: "Okay. She's going through something, and I'm sure she'd prefer it to be private." 
Edie: "She's upset with Mike, isn't she? Well, come on. I'm gonna find out sooner or later." 
Lynette: "She's devastated about the breakup, and she hasn't left the house in days." 
Edie: "Well, why didn't you just tell me that?" 
Lynette: "Because it's personal. It's the kind of thing she would only want me to tell her friends." 
Edie: "I'm Susan's friend. Well, I don't hate her." 
Lynette: "Edie, if you want me to share stuff with you, you're gonna have to start being more supportive of Susan." 
Edie: "Okay. How?" 
Lynette: "What do friends do? They call, they're sympathetic, they ask about the pain the other person is going through, and then they listen." 
Edie: "What if you want to be supportive, but you just can't stand listening to people bitch?" 
Lynette: "Then it's good to know how to bluff."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Paul's House]
(Paul opens up a box that has a large jumble of video tapes in it. He roots through it until he finds one labeled "Utah - Angela's Award Party." He goes to the VCR and puts the tape in. On it, Mary Alice is with a group of people at work. She hands out napkins, grinning, as they all offer congratulations to her.) 
(Paul, watching, smiles. Mary Alice holds up a plaque to the camera that reads "Wake Forrest Employee of the Year." The camera pulls back and pans slightly to the left, where a younger-looking Felicia is standing next to Mary Alice, smiling as she looks at the plaque. Paul quickly pauses the videotape and it stops on Felicia's face as she congratulates Mary Alice.) 
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[Gabrielle's House, backyard]
(Sitting by the jacuzzi, Gabrielle and Carlos perform their ablutions. Carlos, wearing only pants, is shaving, using a small mirror to see himself, and Gabrielle, wearing a bikini, shaves her legs, using the jacuzzi to wash the razor.) 
Gabrielle: "God, I have to go to the bathroom again." 
Carlos: "Go to Bree's." 
Gabrielle: "I've been to Bree's twice today." 
Carlos: "Then go to Susan's." 
Gabrielle: "I hate Susan's. She has all these weird scented candles. Her house reeks of apricot. Hose."
(Carlos turns the hose on her legs and she shrieks slightly when the water hits her.) 
Carlos: "How about Lynette's?" 
Gabrielle: "No, you don't understand. I don't want to go to anybody's house anymore. I'm tired of knocking on doors and making up excuses as to why we haven't fixed our plumbing." 
Carlos: "Why are you yelling at me?" 
Gabrielle: "Because it's your fault." 
Carlos: "My fault?" 
Gabrielle: "Yes. If you hadn't gotten yourself indicted, we would have pipes right now." 
Carlos: "I got indicted trying to make enough money to keep you happy. In case you hadn't noticed, you're a little materialistic." 
Gabrielle: "Oh, I'm materialistic? When the Johnson's bought their new 7-series, you were the one who went right in and traded in his car for something better." 
Carlos: "Who ended up driving it?"
(Gabrielle wraps a towel around herself and then dumps a small load of laundry into the jacuzzi.) 
Gabrielle: "You know what? I don't have time to fight right now. I have laundry to do."
(She turns on the jacuzzi so that bubbles are released into the water, swishing the clothing around. She stalks off.) 
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[Barcliff Academy]
(Lynette comes up to a closed nurse's office in the school. She opens the door and peeks her head in.) 
Lynette: "Nurse Abigail?" 
Nurse Abigail: "Mrs. Scavo, right? The twins' mother?" 
Lynette: "I just wanted to tell you that the boys are now lice-free." 
Nurse Abigail: "Good to hear."
(Lynette steps fully into the office and closes the door behind her.) 
Lynette: "I just can't figure out how it happened. They get a bath every night. Trust me, it's the ugliest 15 minutes of the day." 
Nurse Abigail: "I believe you." 
Lynette: "I keep thinking that maybe it was the petting zoo that I took them to last week. That llama was really iffy." 
Nurse Abigail: "Mrs. Scavo, it doesn't work that way. Lice only spreads from human to human. Even the cleanest kid in the world can get it if he gets too close to the wrong kid." 
Lynette: "Really?" 
Nurse Abigail: "Yes. So don't be so hard on yourself, huh?" 
Lynette: "I guess. Still, I can't help but feel a little guilty. After all, my kids started an entire lice outbreak." 
Nurse Abigail: "Look, your, uh, your kids didn't start it." 
Lynette: "They didn't?" 
Nurse Abigail: "No. I know for a fact that patient zero was another little boy. This is his fourth time with this particular problem." 
Lynette: "Oh. That is a load off my mind. Well, thank you."
(She heads back towards the door, then turns around.) 
Lynette: "So which kid is it?" 
Nurse Abigail: "I can't tell you. You know we have a no-blame policy. We have to protect the children. You understand." 
Lynette: "Of course."
(She turns to the door, then turns back around.) 
Lynette: "No, I don't. You're going to have to give me a name." 
Nurse Abigail: "Mrs. Scavo --" 
Lynette: "Here's the thing. Acting like parents won't assign blame is like pretending they don't keep score at pee-wee league games. It's human nature. If you don't give the moms someone to blame, they'll pick a scapegoat. I can't let my boys be the scapegoat." 
Nurse Abigail: "Please don't put me in this position." 
Lynette: "I'm begging you. They've already been uninvited from a birthday party, a really big birthday party with a bouncy house and a hot dog stand and a clown." 
Nurse Abigail: "I wish I could help you, but --" 
Lynette: "For god's sakes, there's gonna be a magician. Tammy Brennan went all out." 
Nurse Abigail: "Tammy Brennan? Topher's mother?" 
Lynette: "Yes." 
Nurse Abigail: "Well, isn't that interesting. Have a seat."
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[Fairview County Prison]
(A buzzer sounds and Maisy Gibbons, in orange prison scrubs, is led into a room where prisoners meet with visitors.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Meanwhile, at the Fairview County Prison, Maisy Gibbons was delighted to find out she had a visitor, but she was soon reminded one should always beware of visitors bearing gift baskets."
(The visitor's door opens and a close-up of a decorated gift basket being held is shown.) 
Maisy: "You've got to be kidding me." 
Bree: "Hello, Maisy."
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[Wisteria Lane]
(Gabrielle jogs down the street. She slows when she sees a construction site, with men working, and a Port-a-Potty sitting there. She smiles.) 
(Later, the construction workers get in their truck and leave and Gabrielle, hiding behind a large tool box, stands up. She goes over to the Port-a-Potty and pushes it off of its ramp.) 
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[Gabrielle's Backyard]
(A large drop cloth covers the Port-a-Potty. With Carlos watching, Gabrielle whips the cloth off to review the bathroom.) 
Gabrielle: "Ta-da!" 
Carlos: "Stuff like this is why I love you."
(He kisses her, then goes into the Port-a-Potty. As Gabrielle walks away, the red "Occupied" sign flips on.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Fairview County Prison]
Maisy: "So...what brings you here?" 
Bree: "I need a favor." 
Maisy: "I thought as much." 
Bree: "I heard that there is a, um, little black book with the names of your clients in it." 
Maisy: "There is." 
Bree: "I was wondering if, perhaps, you could remove Rex's name from that little book." 
Maisy: "Wow, that's a big favor. Those muffins better be really good." 
Bree: "I have some money that I've been putting aside for emergencies. It can be all yours if you just..." 
Maisy: "Keep my mouth shut?" 
Bree: "Continue to be discreet." 
Maisy: "Gosh. I don't know." 
Bree: "I don't think it's asking that much. All you need to do is remove one little name." 
Maisy: "But if I do it for you, then I have to do it for all the other wives. That wouldn't be fair, now, would it?" 
Bree: "Maisy, please. I mean, we used to be good friends." 
Maisy: "Ah. Where were you when Harold lost his job a year ago, huh? Did you stop by to see if there was anything that you could do? Did you bring a big basket of baked goods when you knew we couldn't even pay our bills? If you did, those displays of friendship seem to have slipped my mind." 
Bree: "Maisy, I didn't mention it when you were having financial troubles because I thought it would embarrass you." 
Maisy: "Yes, I would have been embarrassed, but it would have been a whole lot better than the silence." 
Bree: "I have fourteen thousand dollars in that account. It can all be yours." 
Maisy: "I'm not interested. But you do get credit for one thing. You came to visit me, even if it was for an ulterior motive. None of the other girls from the club even bothered. I've been abandoned. Guess that's what happens when you become the town whore." 
Bree: "Oh, sweetie. They didn't abandon you because you're a whore. They abandoned you because you weren't all that nice to begin with."
(She starts to leave, then stops, turns back to the table, and picks up the basket of muffins.) 
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[Susan's House]
(There's a knock on the door as Susan sits on her living room floor, going through decorative boxes.) 
Susan: "Who is it?" 
Edie: "It's Edie!" 
Susan: "Oh, Edie, not now. I'm kind of busy."
(Edie walks into the living room.) 
Edie: "Hi." 
Susan: "Or just come on in." 
Edie: "What are you doing?" 
Susan: "I decided that my life is way too complicated, and so I'm simplifying. I am getting rid of the clutter."
(She puts on an orange and lace hat and turns to face Edie.) 
Edie: "Ooh." 
Susan: "I was on vacation. Made sense at the time. Okay, not to be rude, but is there a reason you're here?" 
Edie: "Look, I'm feeling badly about what you're going through with Mike. And don't worry. I'm not going to date him." 
Susan: "Doesn't matter anymore." 
Edie: "Well, don't get me wrong. I still have every intention of sleeping with him. Some mountains are just meant to be climbed." 
Susan: "I got to learn to keep my doors locked." 
Edie: "How long have you been sitting here?" 
Susan: "I don't know. Five minutes, give or take three hours." 
Edie: "That's it. Get up. Get dressed." 
Susan: "Why?" 
Edie: "Beause you're coming with me. It's time to get wasted. Happy hour started forty-five minutes ago." 
Susan: "Why would I go anywhere with you?" 
Edie: "Because that's what normal women do when they get depressed. They put on short skirts, they go to bars with their girlfriends, maybe have one too many and then make out with some strange man in the back of a dark alley." 
Susan: "Wow." 
Edie: "Oh, come on. It'll be fun, I swear. Come on. Come on."
(She begins dragging Susan by the feet.) 
Susan: "Why do you even care?" 
Edie: "I never said I cared. It's just...well, I...I guess I know what it's like to have your heart stomped on." 
Susan: "Okay. All right. Give me a minute. I'll go change my clothes." 
Edie: "And don't forget to do something with that skanky hair. You're a little scary-looking."
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[Bar]
(Music plays in the background as Susan and Edie sit at the bar, drinking. Edie points out a man to Susan.) 
Edie: "Ah. What about him?" 
Susan: "Not my type." 
Edie: "Oh, look, I know the pickins are slim, but isn't there someone here that you're attracted to?" 
Susan: "I hate 'em all. Look at them just leering at us. They're so damn cocky, like they know they have the upper hand." 
Edie: "What are you talking about? We have the upper hand. Without us, they have nothing." 
Susan: "Maybe fifteen years ago. Not anymore. Now we're just lonely and desperate, and they know it, and they just sit there, ready to pounce, waiting for us to take any crumb they're willing to throw our way. I don't want crumbs. I want Mike."
(She throws her head down on the bar and when the bartender comes up them, Edie hands him her glass.) 
Edie: "Hi. Um... I'm going to be spending the whole night with her, so I'm gonna be needing a lot more of these." 
Susan: "I'm sorry. It's just so hard to find a guy like Mike. I know in my heart he didn't kill Mrs. Huber." 
Edie: "Okay. Let's say Mike's a peach and he didn't kill Martha. Who did?" 
Susan: "I don't know. Obviously, a bad guy. Somebody really awful, somebody like -- somebody like Paul Young." 
Edie: "Paul? Are you serious?" 
Susan: "I'm telling you, he's hiding something. He clams up every time we try to ask him about Mary Alice. And then when we found out about Dana..." 
Edie: "Dana. Who's Dana?" 
Susan: "Paul and Mary Alice had a baby that died." 
Edie: "You're kidding." 
Susan: "Zach killed her." 
Edie: "Holy crap. Who told you that?" 
Susan: "Paul. You know, he said it was an accident,but I'm telling you, I think that's why Mary Alice was being blackmailed." 
Edie: "Mary Alice was being blackmailed?" 
Susan: "Yeah. The girls and I found a threatening note in her stuff." 
Edie: "What the hell kind of street do we live on?" 
Susan: "I don't know." 
Edie: "Come to think of it, the other day, Paul was talking to Felicia, and he was working overtime trying to make Mike sound guilty." 
Susan: "See? Shifting blame onto someone else -- that's classic criminal behavior. Oh, I'm telling you, he's up to no good." 
Edie: "Zach and Paul are out of town. Maybe we should sneak into their house and do some snooping. I have a key." 
Susan: "Oh, my god, yes. We should do that." 
Edie: "Oh, come on. I was just kidding." 
Susan: "No, Edie, this is our chance. We should just go in for ten minutes." 
Edie: "Susan, that's breaking and entering." 
Susan: "Martha Huber was your best friend. If we could find out who really killed her, wouldn't that be worth the risk?"
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[Fairview Country Club]
(Rex and Bree are seated at a table at the country club. The maitre d' hands them menus.) 
Maitre D': "Have a nice evening." 
Bree: "Thank you."
(Bree looks over at the next table, where a woman is sitting down.) 
Bree: "Serena, hi. How are you?"
(Serena waves, then turns to her husband without saying anything.) 
Rex: "I talked to Dr. Wallace today." 
Bree: "Oh?" 
Rex: "He still has no idea why the medication isn't working. He told me he's thinking of running more tests. I told him I'm thinking about getting a second opinion."
(As Rex talks, Bree looks around the restaurant, noticing the stares that others are giving them.) 
Bree: "Rex, this might sound silly, but are people staring at us?" 
Rex: "Yeah. What's going on?" 
Bree: "Well, I could be wrong, but I suspect that Maisy Gibbons' client list has been released."
(Some people start laughing.) 
Rex: "You think they're laughing at us?" 
Bree: "No, I think they're laughing at you. I think they feel sorry for me, which is just as mortifying." 
Rex: "What are we gonna do?" 
Bree: "Oh. We're gonna act like nothing is happening, and then, when we finish eating, we're going to walk out of here with all the dignity that we can muster." 
Rex: "Please, let's go now." 
Bree: "Oh, no. I refuse to give them this kind of satisfaction. Open your menu." 
Rex: "Everybody's staring, Bree. It's humiliating." 
Bree: "Well, you should have thought of that before you left a personal check on Maisy Gibbons' nightstand." 
Rex: "All right, you stay here if you want to. I'm leaving."
(He stands up.) 
Bree: "Rex. If you walk out of this restaurant, I will scream." 
Rex: "Bree --" 
Bree: "I will scream about your cruelty. Then I will scream about your infidelity. And then, just to make sure it really hurts, I will scream about your distasteful sexual habits. You want to know what true humiliation is, you just take one step."
(Rex looks around, then sits down.) 
Bree: "So, what are you having? The veal looks good."
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[Paul's House]
(Edie unlocks the house and she and Susan walk inside.) 
Edie: "So, what are we looking for, exactly? An embroidered pillow that says "I killed Martha Huber"?" 
Susan: "I don't know. Just something suspicious."
(Edie goes over to the bar, where she sniffs one of the containers of liquor.) 
Edie: "Mmm, smells expensive." 
Susan: "Do you believe in evil, Edie?" 
Edie: "Of course I believe in evil. I work in real estate." 
Susan: "I'm serious. There's something about this house that's just so cold and creepy. You couldn't tell when Mary Alice was alive. She just brought so much warmth and light. Now there's something...I can just taste it. Can't you sense it?" 
Edie: "The only thing I can sense is that you've had too much to drink." 
Susan: "No, something happened in this house, something so awful we can't even imagine it."
(There's a small crash.) 
Edie: "Ow! Son of a bitch." 
Susan: "Are you okay?" 
Edie: "Aah! I just stubbed my toe."
(Susan sees the videotape that Paul had been watching earlier lying on the floor. She reads the label on it.) 
Susan: "Oh, my god -- Angela." 
Edie: "Huh?" 
Susan: "Angela -- that's what Mary Alice used to call herself." 
Edie: "What are you talking about?" 
Susan: "We heard it on this tape that Bree stole from her therapist's office. It's a long story. I'll tell you later. Oh, we got to put this in."
(As soon as they put the tape in, they hear a large thud come from outside.) 
Susan: "What was that?" 
Edie: "I think it's Paul." 
Susan: "You said he was going to be gone." 
Edie: "Well, I guess I was wrong."
(They turn off the tape and quickly try to find a place to hide.) 
Edie: "Hurry." 
Susan: "I've got to get the tape." 
Edie: "Hide!" 
Susan: "Oh! Oh! Oh!"
(They jump behind the couch, but Susan accidentally drops the tape on the couch, where it falls behind the cushions.) 
(Paul walks in and turns on a light. He sits on the couch and begins reading a magazine. From behind the couch, Susan mouths "What are we gonna do?" to Edie.) 
(Edie stands up.) 
Edie: "Paul." 
Paul: "Aah! Edie. God, you scared me." 
Edie: "I'm sorry. I see that you, uh, made it back from Mount Pleasant." 
Paul: "Yes. What -- what are you doing here?" 
Edie: "Well, I came by to bring you your key. I was just about to leave you a note." 
Paul: "You're returning my key at 11:30 at night. What the hell's going on here?" 
Edie: "You're right. We're too old to be playing games." 
Paul: "What?" 
Edie: "My note was gonna tell you that I, uh...I-I wasn't kidding this afternoon. I really would like to keep a key to your place -- to use if the...mood strikes me."
(Edie wraps her arms around Paul's neck as he tries backing away. Meanwhile, Susan tries to grab the videotape from her position behind the couch.) 
Paul: "You've been drinking."
(He starts to turn back towards the couch, and Edie grabs him.) 
Edie: "Just enough to get up the courage to tell you how I feel about you."
(She pushes him up against the wall and begins kissing him. Susan, on her hands and knees, looks around the couch at them and makes a face. Edie, still kissing Paul, motions to Susan to leave. Susan crawls out of the house, still on her hands and knees.)  
(Outside, Mike puts some trash in the garbage can and sees Susan crawl out onto the street. He goes after her.) 
(In Paul's house, Edie breaks the kiss.) 
Edie: "Okay, well...obviously, you're uncomfortable about this, so I-I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you. Here. Here's your key. I'll see you around." 
Paul: "Edie, um... I'm not embarrassed." 
Edie: "Huh?"
Paul: "If anything...I'm flattered."
(He grabs her and pushes her against the wall, kissing her.) 
(Outside, Mike catches up with Susan.) 
Mike: "Susan. Susan, talk to me." 
Susan: "Mike, it's not a good time. I'm a little drunk and a little freaked out." 
Mike: "Why haven't you returned any of my messages?" 
Susan: "We're broken up. I thought I made that pretty clear." 
Mike: "Oh, come on. Can't we work this out?" 
Susan: "You lied to me." 
Mike: "When? When did I lie to you?" 
Susan: "The police showed me your rap sheet. You killed a man." 
Mike: "You can't believe I'm some cold-blooded killer." 
Susan: "No, of course I don't believe that, but I also didn't believe that Karl was going to cheat on me, and I didn't believe that Mary Alice was gonna kill herself. I mean, let's face it, Mike -- blind faith is not my friend." 
Mike: "I was gonna tell you. There just wasn't a right moment." 
Susan: "See? Now that's a lie, too, because there were plenty of right moments." 
Mike: "Susan --" 
Susan: "Every time we went out for pizza, you could have said, "oh, and by the way, I once killed a man." Or when you said, "hey, let's go jogging," you could have said, "well, by the way, I once killed a man." Every time we went to the movies and the hero shot the bad guy, you could have turned to me and said, "oh, and by the way, I did that once." You didn't." 
Mike: "Do you want to hear what happened or not?" 
Susan: "It doesn't matter, because I will never believe anything you say ever again."
(He grabs her and kisses her.) 
Mike: "Well, at the very least, you can believe that."
(He turns and walks back to his house.) 
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[Gabrielle's Backyard]
(Gabrielle hurries to the Port-a-Potty and tries to open the door, which is locked.) 
Carlos: "Occupied." 
Gabrielle: "Carlos, I have to go." 
Carlos: "Well, you're gonna have to wait." 
Gabrielle: "Why should I have to wait? It's my port-a-potty." 
Carlos: "What do you mean, it's yours?" 
Gabrielle: "I'm the one who stole it." 
Carlos: "Babe, I'm sorry. You're just gonna have to wait."
(She kicks the Port-a-Potty and storms off.) 
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[Bree's House]
(Bree sits on her couch, drinking coffee. The sound of a toilet flushing is heard and Gabrielle walks into the room.) 
Gabrielle: "Thank you so much, Bree. Seeing your tile has really helped me make my decision. Next time I remodel, I am using limestone." 
Bree: "Gabrielle, is everything okay?" 
Gabrielle: "Sure. Why?" 
Bree: "Well, it's just that you've been acting kind of odd lately." 
Gabrielle: "In what way?" 
Bree: "Well, you keep coming up with excuses to use everyone's bathroom, and then two days ago, Mr. Cowley looked into your back yard and saw you and Carlos doing your laundry in the jacuzzi." 
Gabrielle: "Well, uh, there's a simple explanation for that. I, um..."
Bree: "Are you and Carlos having some sort of money trouble? Gabby, it's okay if you are." 
Gabrielle: "Is that so?" 
Bree: "Yes, and, and to tell you the truth, I'm a little insulted. I am a good friend. Why would you feel like you have to hide that from me?" 
Gabrielle: "I don't know. Probably for the same reason you didn't tell me Rex was one of Maisy's clients." 
Bree: "That is obviously different." 
Gabrielle: "Why? Because it happened to you? Bree, this is how I see it -- good friends support each other after they've been humiliated. Great friends pretend nothing happened in the first place." 
Bree: "Well, then, good luck on your remodel." 
Gabrielle: "And please tell Rex I said hello."
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[Topher's Birthday Party]
(A big birthday party is occuring at Tammy's house when Lynette walks in with the twins, holding a present.) 
Lynette: "Hey, Tammy." 
Tammy: "Lynette." 
Lynette: "I see Topher's made a speedy recovery." 
Twin: "Can we go play?" 
Lynette: "Yeah, sure, boys. Have fun." 
Twins: "Whoo! Let's go play in the bounce house! Let's go! Let's go! Come on!" 
Tammy: "All right,you caught me. I lied. But, uh, you sure have some nerve, crashing a six-year-old's birthday party." 
Lynette: "Just so you know, I got Topher a set of bongo drums. I know you'll love them as much as he will."
(At the bounce house, Mona leans in and shouts to her child.) 
Mona: "Charlie, come on out of there! I don't want you playing with those Scavo boys!" 
Tammy: "Uh, Mona, please. I'm sure they're clean. (to Lynette) You are not ruining my party."
(Tammy climbs into the bounce house.) 
Tammy: "All right, Porter, Preston, okay, out, out, out. Come on. Porter, Preston, let's go."
(Lynette climbs in with them.) 
Lynette: "No, not -- not -- not quite yet. Boys, keep bouncing. That's right. Keep bouncing. Oh, by the way, I spoke to Nurse Abigail. I know who patient zero is." 
Tammy: "All right, that's it, kids. Get out. Out, out, out. Go, go." 
Lynette: "How could you do that?" 
Tammy: "Look, this party meant everything to Topher. I couldn't risk people not showing up. He would be devastated. I had to do something." 
Lynette: "And the best you could come up with was letting my kids take the fall?" 
Tammy: "Hey, I hardly had to say anything. People were already suspicious. 
Lynette: "Oh, please." 
Tammy: "Yeah, it's true. Let's face it -- your boys aren't the cleanest kids on the planet." 
Lynette: "That was not a smart thing to say." 
Tammy: "Where are you going?" 
Lynette: "I'm going to tell the truth to every mother out there, and then I'm gonna take back the bongos." 
Tammy: "No, wait, okay, all right. Look, I wa--I was wrong. I admit it. I am really, really, really sorry." 
Lynette: "Too little, too late." 
Tammy: "Okay, okay. No, I'll -- I'll tell everyone that I was wrong, that your kids aren't the ones. Please, I'm begging you." 
Lynette: "Well, why are you standing there? Get to it."
(They leave the bounce house.) 
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[Gabrielle's House]
(Gabrielle is on the porch when Bree comes up to her.) 
Gabrielle: "Bree, hi." 
Bree: "Hi." 
Gabrielle: "What's up?" 
Bree: "Well, um, I've been doing some thinking. Rex and I have been members of the Fairview Country Club for years, and, well, lately, it seems to have lost some of its exclusivity, and so I've decided not to renew our membership. I'd rather see the money go to someone I care about."
(She hands Gabrielle an envelope. Gabrielle takes it and opens it. She pulls out a check.) 
Gabrielle: "Oh, Bree, I-I can't take that." 
Bree: "Gabby, this is the way I see it -- good friends offer to help in a crisis. Great friends don't take no for an answer." 
Gabrielle: "We're gonna pay you back every cent. I promise." 
Bree: "Take your time."
(She gets up and leaves.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Topher's Birthday Party]
(A magician does tricks for the crowd of kids, who clap and shout. Lynette watches as Topher scratches his head. She turns to look at Tammy, who returns her gaze.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes, everyone loves a scandal...no matter how big or small."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Gabrielle's Backyard]
(Carlos goes out into the backyard to go to the Port-a-Potty. As he opens the door, his next door neighbor catches his eye over the fence separating their properties.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"After all...what could be more entertaining than watching the downfall of the high and mighty?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Outside Bree's House]
(Rex opens the car door for Bree, who gets in. As he closes the door, he sees neighbors walking down the sidewalk, who give each other a look when they see him.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"What could be more amusing than the public exposure of hypocritical sinners?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Fairview County Prison]
(Maisy stands in the corner of the prison room, watching from a distance as other prisoners play cards together.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes, everyone loves a scandal. And if for some reason, you're not enjoying the latest one..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Paul's House]
(Paul sits down on the couch. He feels something underneath him and after pushing away the pillows, finds the videotape that Susan dropped.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...well...the next one is always around the corner."
~ The End ~




Desperate Housewives
1x17 - There Won't Be Trumpets
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mary Alice Voiceover Previously on "Desperate Housewives":
Susan:The police showed me your rap sheet!You killed the man!
Mike:You don't know if it happened or not.
Susan:It doesn't matter, because I will never believe anything you say,ever again.
Mary Alice Voiceover:Sometimes unexpected visitors...
Juanita:So you think she is cheating on you?
Carlos:Think so.
Juanita:I'll take care of it.
Carlos:Thank you, Mam.
Mary Alice Voiceover:...lead to unexpected consequences.
Bree:Andrew, you almost killed another human being!
Andrew:She's lived her life!I have my whole life ahead of me,and now it might be screwed up!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Sacred Heart Hospital - Nighttime]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"In the Coma Ward at Sacred Heart Hospital, the dreams begin just after midnight. The pitch black of night gives way to vivid images that comfort the dreamer until the morning."
(A janitor stops cleaning the floor and stretches.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Gus, the custodian, dreams of someday winning the lottery and quitting his thankless job."
(He removes a piece of paper from his shirt pocket, kisses it, picks up his thermos, and walks off.) 
A security guard, sitting in a chair, pulls out a neck pillow to place on his neck. 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Howard, the security guard, envisions a luxurious retirement in the tropics."
(He kicks off his shoes and closes his eyes.) 
(A night nurse sits at a desk, looking bored. She spins something on the desk and watches it.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Ruth Ann, the night nurse, fantasizes about leaving her husband."
(As it spins, she checks her watch, picks up a pack of cigarettes and stands up to leave, leaving her wedding ring spinning on the desk.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"But the most vivid dreams of all belong to the patient in Room 312."
(Inside room 312, Juanita Solis lies still in her hospital bed.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes, Juanita Solis had been dreaming steadily for five months. Sometimes of the shocking secret she had uncovered."
(Flashback to her taking a picture of Gabrielle and John caught in bed.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Other times, she dreamt of the accident that had put her in the hospital."
(Flashback to her running out of the Solis house and getting hit by a car.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"But her most common dream was the one in which she finally told her son the truth."
(Carlos sits next to Juanita's bedside holding her hands. Juanita leans over and begins whispering to Carlos.) 
Juanita: "Carlos. Gabrielle..."
Mary Alice Voiceover:"And then one night...Juanita Solis decided it was time to wake up."
(Juanita's eyes open suddenly and she sits up in bed.) 
(A few minutes later, Juanita leaves her hospital room, holding onto her pole with IV fluids. She looks up and down the empty hallway.) 
Juanita: "Hello? Is anybody here?"
(Juanita goes down the hallway, looking back and forth.) 
Juanita: "Hello!"
(Juanita reaches the empty nurse's station and bangs on the counter.) 
Juanita: "I have to call my son!"
(Juanita continues to run down the hallway in her stocking feet. She runs past the hallway and doesn't see the sleeping guard. She continues running and see a phone on the wall at the end of a hallway. She pulls out the intravenous tube and runs down the hallway toward the phone.) 
(As she heads towards it, she slips on the wet floor left by the janitor. She slides straight into a stairwell, where she falls down the stairs, right near the feet of the nurse taking her cigarette break. Ruth Ann, turns, shocked.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Even though she knew she was about to die, Juanita didn't care. The truth was finally going to come out."
(Ruth Ann puts out her cigarette and runs toward Juanita. Ruth Ann kneels down and holds Juanita's head.) 
Juanita: "Tell my son his wife is cheating on him." 
Ruth Ann: "Oh my God!"
(Juanita dies.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Sadly for Juanita, this was one dream that would never come true."
(Ruth Ann pulls earphones from her ears. Music is blasting from the earphones.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Credits
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Susan's House]
(At Susan's kitchen table, there are illustrated drawings knights and dragons.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"We all honor heroes for different reasons. Sometimes for their bravery, sometimes for their daring, sometimes for their goodness, but mostly we honor heroes because at one point or another we all dream of being rescued."
(Susan goes to the coffeemaker by the sink and pours herself a cup. She looks through the kitchen window and sees Mike walking up to the door.) 
(He knocks on the door.) 
Mike: "Susan, I know you're in there. We have to talk."
(Susan opens door and faces Mike.) 
Mike: "This is crazy." 
Susan: "I know."
(Mike grabs Susan and they kiss.) 
(Cut to Susan standing at the kitchen window again, daydreaming.) 
(Susan again opens the door and faces Mike.) 
Mike: "Everything the cop said to you is true. I did kill someone. But there's one thing they didn't tell you. I killed for you, Susan."
(Susan grabs Mike and kisses him.) 
(Cut to Susan standing at the kitchen window again, daydreaming.) 
(Susan opens the door and faces Mike. He pulls out a gun and aims at her.) 
Mike: "Susan, if I can't have you, no one else can."
(Susan knocks the gun out of Mike's hand.) 
Susan: "Shut up."
(Susan grabs Mike and kisses him. The coffee cup she is holding falls and breaks.) 
(Cut to Susan standing at the kitchen window again, daydreaming. She looks down at the unbroken cup in her hand. She sees Mike walking toward the door, and then he knocks.) 
(Susan drops to the floor and crawls to the door.) 
Mike: "Susan, are you home? Susan, your car is here. I know you're in there. I was hoping we could talk for a minute."
(Susan whimpers and leans against the door. Mike slides a letter under the door. Susan pulls it in.) 
Mike: "Susan, maybe you should have waited until I left to do that. All right, look, I know you don't want to see me right now, but I owe you an explanation and it's all in there, all of it. Everything you ever wanted to know about my past, about my reasons for doing what I did. It's all there."
(Susan stands up and looks out the door in time to watch Mike walk away.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[School Parking Lot]
(A car sits in the parking lot. Its interior is filled with smoke. A school security guard knocks on window. A window rolls down and smoke pours out.) 
Andrew: "Hey!" 
Security Guard: "Guys come on. What are you doing?" 
Andrew: "Ah, you know, just bonding. Discussing current events." 
Security Guard: "Hey, seriously, listen, if you guys would have just parked across the street I could have let you go." 
Andrew: "Why don't you pretend like we did?"
(Andrew's friends laugh.) 
Security Guard: "Get out of the car."
(Instead, Andrew starts pulling away.) 
Security Guard: "Hey, hey, hey! Stop the car!"
(He holds onto the window and as the car speeds up, he trips and rolls on the ground as the car leaves.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bree's House]
Rex: "I can't believe it. Two months from graduation and he gets expelled." 
Bree: "You know we are just lucky that that security guard did not press charges." 
Rex: "So what are we gonna do?" 
Bree: "Well, glad that you asked."
(Bree pulls out some pamphlets from a drawer and lays them out.) 
Rex: "What are these?" 
Bree: "They're brochures for youth detention centers." 
Rex: "How long have you had these?" 
Bree: "They've been in the drawer for a few months. I had a feeling we might be needing them." 
Rex: "Bree, I don't know." 
Bree: "We have to admit that we need help. If we can't get through to Andrew then we have to find someone who can." 
Rex: "You really want to send our son away to some prison camp?" 
Bree: "Oh come on, don't be so dramatic. Some of these places actually look fun. Look. Camp Hennessey." (reading) "Camp Hennessey teaches kids respect for authority and boundaries in a summer camp-like atmosphere."
(Bree holds up the brochure for Rex to see. Rex grabs the brochure.) 
Rex: "The perimeter is surrounded by an electrified fence." 
Bree: "Well, you have to admit that's an efficient way to teach respect for boundaries. Okay, how about this one. It's perfect for Andrew. It's a ranch in Montana. It has lots of fresh air and plenty of open spaces and daily classes in anger management."  
Rex: "I'm, I'm not comfortable with this." 
Bree: "All right, what about this one. It's in the desert and it's very reasonable. Barracks are a little bit bleak, but that recidivism rate is to die for!" 
Rex: "Bree, I'm not doing it. I'm not sending my son away." 
Bree: "It's easy for you, isn't it? You're not the one he's openly rude to. You're not the one he challenges every day. You're not the one he hates." 
Rex: "I'll talk to him, all right? I'll sit him down for a little old-fashioned heart to heart." 
Bree: "You talk to him all you want. I'm gonna check out the place with the electrified fence."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Barcliff Academy]
(Five children, including Porter and Preston, dressed in colonial costume, stand on a small stage, reciting lines.) 
Twin: "Listen, my children and you shall hear of the midnight ride of Paul Revere."
(Lynette proudly smiles as she watches her sons recite. She turns to see, in the audience, a mother and young daughter signing to each other.) 
Twin: "In the lantern is turned off in the belfry arch of the North church tower. One if by land, two if by sea, and I on the opposite shore will be."
(The parents applaud. Lynette smiles proudly as she applauds.) 
(Lynette, pushing a stroller, approaches the little girl and woman who had been signing.) 
Lynette: "Um, hi. I, I wanted to introduce myself to your Mom. I'm Lynette Scavo." 
Alisa Stevens: "Have we met? I'm Alisa Stevens."
Lynette: "Oh, I'm sorry! I thought..." 
Alisa: "I read lips." 
Lynette: "Oh."
(Alisa starts signing and her daughter begins translating for her.) 
Lily (translating): "But a lot of the time, signing is much easier. I don't like to misunderstand or be misunderstood."
(Lily turns toward Lynette and offers her hand.) 
Lily: "And I'm Lily." 
Lynette: "Oh hi. Nice to meet you, Lily."
(A young boy in a horse costume runs by.) 
Matt: "Hi, mom."
Alisa: "That's my son, Matt." 
Lynette: "My twins talk about Matt all the time. We should set up a play date." 
Alisa: "That sounds great. Let's have dinner, too." 
Lynette: "I'd love to."
(Lynette turns toward her boys as she hears them yelling. They are holding Matt's horse's tail, whipping it and yelling. Matt is trying to run away.) 
Twins: "The British are coming! The British are coming. Giddy up! Giddy up! Giddy up." 
Matt:"No, no, no."
(Lynette turns back toward Alisa.) 
Lynette: "Even better, let's just keep it adults."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Gabrielle's House].
(Gabrielle is sitting on the couch reading the paper. Carlos comes in the front door.) 
Carlos: "Babe, they blinked! We got 'em by the short hairs!"
(Carlos grabs Gabrielle's hand and pulls her up.) 
Gabrielle: "Who? Who blinked?"
(Carlos picks Gabrielle up and she shrieks.) 
Carlos: "I just spoke to the lawyers. They offered a plea bargain." 
Gabrielle: "And that's - good?" 
Carlos: "It means they know they got a weak case. They don't think they can win. It's over." 
Gabrielle: "Oh my god! Honey, that means we can keep the house!" 
Carlos: "No. We still have to sell the house. I gotta pay the lawyers." 
Gabrielle: "But I thought you said they offered a plea bargain." 
Carlos: "Yeah, but we're not gonna take that." 
Gabrielle: "Put me down."
(Carlos puts Gabrielle down.) 
Carlos: "Honey, it would mean me going to jail for eight months." 
Gabrielle: "I think that's pretty reasonable considering you're guilty as sin!" 
Carlos: "You said that you were fine with selling the house." 
Gabrielle: "That was before I knew we could trade a couple months in prison to keep it!"
(The phone rings. Gabrielle goes over to answer it.) 
Gabrielle: "What? No, this is her daughter-in-law." 
Carlos: "Is it the hospital? Is it Mama?"
(Gabrielle turns away from Carlos.) 
Gabrielle: "Ah, thank you, yes."
(She hangs up.) 
Carlos: "Gabby?" 
Gabrielle: "I'm sorry, Carlos."
(She puts her arms around him and hugs him close. As she holds him, she smiles.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Gabrielle's House]
(Pamphlets for crypts, caskets, and flowers are spread all over the coffee table.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Some believe people are judged by the way they live life, and others by the way they leave it."
Carlos: "I like the Lexington mahogany with gold leaf. It comes with a pink velvet interior and drapes. Plus it's hand-engraved so in case of a flood or earthquake, they'll at least be able to know which one is hers." 
Gabrielle: "Don't you think that's a little over the top?" 
Carlos: "I want the best for Mama." 
Gabrielle: "No, honey, these funeral homes make a fortune trying to convince people to overspend." 
Carlos: "What are you saying?" 
Gabrielle: "Well, I'm saying your mother was a sensible woman. She wouldn't be comfortable with all these bells and whistles. Maybe this one. Wood veneer!"
(Carlos closes his eyes and shakes his head.) 
Gabrielle: "What?" 
Carlos: "You never liked Mama." 
Gabrielle: "Well, it's awfully hard to like someone who actively hates your guts. She always thought you married beneath you and she let me know it." 
Carlos: "She loved you." 
Gabrielle: "She treated me like trash!" (crosses herself) "God rest her soul." 
Carlos: "I'm putting my mother in the grave. Now is not the time to pinch pennies." 
Gabrielle: "Carlos, we're not exactly flush with cash right now. Let her be true to her roots. She was born humble and barefoot." 
Carlos: "She was a queen."
(He walks away.) 
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[Susan's House - Outside]
(Susan holds the sealed letter marked "Susan" that Mike had put under her door. Sitting around her are Lynette, Edie, and Bree.) 
Lynette: "So what did Mike say when he gave you the letter?" 
Susan: "That it explains everything." 
Bree: "Well, does it?" 
Susan: "I haven't read it." 
Edie: "Well, why the hell not?" 
Susan: "I just can't." 
Lynette: "You're a better woman than me. I would have ripped that open with my teeth. Aren't you dying to know what he wrote?" 
Susan: "Yes. What if it just a bunch of far-fetched stories." 
Bree: "Well, you should assume that it is." 
Lynette: "Why?" 
Bree: "Well, think about how good men are at lying on the spot. I mean, God forbid, you should give them time and a pen!"
(Lynette and Edie laugh.) 
(A car drives up on the street behind them and honks. The sign on the door of the car reads "General Contractors." A handsome man calls out to Edie.) 
Bill: "Hey Edie, you mind stopping by the site later? I have blueprints of the master bath." 
Edie: "Oh. I'll see you in a few, Bill."
(Susan turns and looks at Bill. Bill nods and smiles at Susan as he drives away.) 
Edie: "That's my new contractor. We're sort of dating." 
Lynette: "Didn't you once say you never mix business with pleasure?" 
Edie: "No, I said never mix pleasure with commitment." 
Lynette (laughing): "Right." 
Bree: "So, Susan, what are you gonna do with the letter?" 
Edie: "And for pete's sake, would you open it up already?"
(Susan begins to open the letter, then stops.) 
Susan: "No, no, I won't. I don't trust Mike anymore. And without trust...no, no. I'm just gonna go in and rip it up and throw it in the trash."
(Susan begins walking toward her house. Lynette grabs the letter and acts like she's going to rip it up.) 
Lynette: "Why wait, why don't we just rip it up now."
(Susan grabs the letter back.) 
Susan: "No, no no. That's okay, I don't wanna, you know, litter."
(She runs inside her house. The other women watch her go.) 
Lynette: "She is so opening that letter."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Sacred Heart Hospital]
(Gabrielle walks down the hallway.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"While Carlos was making arrangements to bury his mother, Gabrielle was making sure she'd be taking her secret to the grave."
(Gabrielle reaches the nurse's station. As she looks at the nurse behind the counter, a man in a business suit walks up to a room behind Gabrielle, and enters it, but makes sure to keep the door cracked open so he can eavesdrop.) 
Gabrielle: "Hi, I'm Gabrielle Solis. You're Nurse Heissel?" 
Nurse Ruth Ann Heissel: "Yes, Hi. Um, when you called and said you were coming down I collected all the personal things that your husband brought in during Juanita's stay with us."
(Nurse Heissel puts a cardboard box on the counter.) 
Nurse Heissel: "I assume that that's why you were stopping by." 
Gabrielle: "Oh, that's so thoughtful of you, but actually no." 
Nurse Heissel: "No?"
(The man behind the door continues to watch.) 
Gabrielle: "No, you see my husband and I still don't have a clear account as to how Juanita passed." 
Nurse Heissel: "How?" 
Gabrielle: "Yes, did she die quietly in her sleep?"
(Nurse Heissel and the man in the doorway nod as if agreeing with what Gabrielle is saying.) 
Nurse Heissel: "Oh yeah, that's usually how it happens. I mean, I'm pretty sure that that's how it happened." 
Gabrielle: "Pretty sure?" 
Nurse Heissel: "I mean, I don't know exactly cause I wasn't with her at that time." 
Gabrielle: "Uh huh. Was anyone with her? An orderly, candy striper, anyone?"
(The man still watches them.) 
Nurse Heissel: "No. She was alone."
(The man closes his eyes and bows his head.) 
Gabrielle: "Thank you so much. That's all I needed to hear."
(Gabrielle walks away. As she passes by the room the man is in, he quickly closes the door. Nurse Heissel picks up the cardboard box.) 
Nurse Heissel: "Mrs. Solis!" 
Gabrielle: "Oh, you can just toss that!"
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[Susan's House - Outside]
(Susan comes out with purse and keys. She looks at her car and sees that she has a flat tire.) 
Susan: "Great, just great!"
(She stoops down to look at the tire and pulls out a long nail. She hears construction work going on at Edie's house and looks that way.) 
(Susan walks over to the construction lot. She sees the man, Bill, who had been in the general contractors truck and walks up to him, nail in hand.) 
Susan: "I think this is yours."
(She hands Bill the nail.) 
Bill: "Yeah. Yeah, I've been looking for this one. Thanks." 
Susan: "I don't suppose you have any idea where I found it?" 
Bill: "Well, these little suckers are drawn to bare feet and car tires and since you're not limping or bleeding..."
(They smile at each other.) 
(At Susan's car, Bill has a compressor filling Susan's tire.) 
Bill: "This is only temporary. You're going to need to take this tire in to get it fixed." 
Susan: "Thanks, I will." 
Bill: "Seriously. It's not safe. You're probably only going to get 20, 30 miles out of it." 
Susan: "All right, I promise." 
Bill: "Hey listen, I'm about to break for lunch. How would you like to join me?" 
Susan: "Lunch?" 
Bill: "Yeah. Lunch." 
Susan: "Are you asking me out on a date?" 
Bill: "That sounds kind of formal for a burrito and a can of soda but, yeah, I guess I am." 
Susan: "Aren't you dating Edie?" 
Bill: "We went out on a date, we're not dating." 
Susan: "Oh." 
Bill: "So how about it? I'm buying." 
Susan: "Yeah. I just got out of this relationship with this guy, Mike, and it's kind of complicated. Anyway, I'm just not even sure where I am right now emotionally, I'm just all jumbled up and I don't think I could leap right into something new, relationship wise, you know, at the moment." 
Bill: "Again. Just a burrito." 
Susan: "Sorry." 
Bill: "Okay, I understand. Sounds like you need a little time to reflect and heal." 
Susan: "I do. I really do." 
Bill: "Okay. I'll check back with you again tomorrow."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Lynette's House]
(Tom, Lynette, Alisa and her husband, Dennis, are having dinner. Alisa is signing and her husband it translating.) 
Dennis (translating Alisa's signing): "This is so delicious. I don't know how you find the time with four kids." 
Lynette: "Only for first time guests. Normally you'd be having, um, chicken fingers and cartoon shaped macaroni." 
Tom: "If that." 
Lynette: "Hey. Shut up." 
Alisa: "Tom, you're in advertising, right?" 
Tom: "Uh hm." 
Alisa: "I worked five years at Simon and Scott." 
Tom: "Well, I started at Simon and Scott. I hated those guys."
(Everyone laughs.) 
Alisa: "But we have to talk." 
Tom: "Yes. Who do you know? Do you know who's there now?"
(Tom scoots his chair closer to Alisa's and Dennis turns to Lynette.) 
Dennis: "Well, it's all over now. They'll be talking shop for the rest of the night. Alisa loves talking about Alisa." 
Lynette: "Well, Lynette loves talking about Lynette, too." 
Dennis: "Oh I don't believe that for a second. You and your husband seem pretty solid."
(Tom and Alisa can be seen and heard talking in the background.) 
Dennis: "We're going through some tough stuff. We're in counseling." 
Tom (in the background): "They're nice people." 
Lynette (uncomfortably): "Oh really? More steak?" 
Dennis: "It was her idea. It's not the most pleasant way to spend an hour. Basically, I look at the clock and she blames me for everything." 
Lynette: "I don't think we should be talking about Alisa with her, so..."
(She gestures over at Alisa.) 
Dennis: "It's okay, it's not like she can hear. Maybe I'll have some more of that potato stuff."
(A shocked Lynette stares at Dennis.) 
(Later, Tom and Lynette clear the dishes.) 
Tom: "He actually said those things with her just sitting right there?" 
Lynette: "It was really nasty and he wouldn't shut up either." 
Tom (disgusted): "Ahhh." 
Lynette: "I can't believe you said we'd play tennis with them." 
Tom: "Honey, that was before I knew that he was a jerk. She was great. Look what she taught me."
Tom (signs) : "I Love You." 
Tom: "Means I love you." 
Lynette: "Yeah, that's great. What am I gonna do?" 
Tom: "What do you mean?" 
Lynette: "Well, obviously she needs to be told." 
Tom: "Wha-no, no, no, she doesn't. This is between Dennis and Alisa." 
Lynette: "How can I ignore this? And I quote, 'It's not like she can hear.'" 
Tom: "Lynette, you're starting to ring up into that whole meddling thing that you do." 
Lynette: "Excuse me!" 
Tom: "Let me just handle it. Let's avoid a big thing." 
Lynette: "Are you saying I can't be tactful?" 

Tom: "No. If he says something when we play tennis, I will take him aside man to man and say that's not cool." 
Lynette: "Are you saying I'm not tactful?"
(Tom looks as though he does not know what to say so instead he signs "I love you" to Lynette. She grabs his finger and pushes him back.) 
Tom: "Ow, ow, ow, owww."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bree's House]
(Andrew lies on his bed watching TV. Bree walks in with a laundry basket.) 
Bree: "Andrew, I need you to take out the trash." 
Andrew: "Sure." 
Bree: "Now, not five hours from now."
(With a long-suffering sigh, he sits up.) 
Andrew: "I'm going, I'm going. God! Um, I'm meeting Justin at the mall tonight so I'm gonna need forty bucks." 
Bree: "No!" 
Andrew: "What?" 
Bree: "You no longer get an allowance." 
Andrew: "Fine. I'm not taking out the trash." 
Bree (exasperated): "Andrew." 
Andrew: "What are you gonna do, torture me? Go ahead, I can take it."
(Bree approaches Andrew who is sitting on the bed.) 
Bree: "What I want, what I have always wanted is for you to be happy. And you're not. And I have no idea how to help you."
(Rex walking by the room, stops in the doorway.) 
Andrew: "Well, you can start by getting out of the way." 
Bree: "I will not. We're gonna talk about this now." 
Andrew: "I said get out of the way!"
(He kicks at her, pushing her with his leg. Bree stumbles, almost falling. Rex runs into the room and grabs Andrew by the arms and pulls him up and slams him against the wall.) 
Rex: "The next time you touch your mother like that, I'm gonna throw you through this wall! You understand me?"
(Andrew has a frightened look on his face. Rex leaves the room glancing at Bree to make sure she is okay. Bree grabs the laundry basket and walks to the door. She turns to look at Andrew who looks like he's about to start crying. Bree turns away and walks out.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Susan's House]
(Susan sits on the bench in her front yard, drawing. Edie jogs by.) 
Susan: "Oh, Edie. Wait up, I, I want to ask you something."
(Edie continues to run, so Susan follows her.) 
Edie: "Can't stop, gotta keep my heart rate up." 
Susan: "I was just wondering how you'd feel if I went out with Bill."
(Edie stops running.) 
Edie: "What?" 
Susan: "Um. Bill asked me out." 
Edie: "Bill? My Bill?" 
Susan: "Well, see that's the thing, he doesn't think of himself as "your Bill" cause he said that date was just a one time thing. Which I know because when he asked me out, I told him I thought you guys were involved." 
Edie: "So, you haven't agreed to go out with him?" 
Susan: "No. No, I wanted to check with you first." 
Edie: "Wow. That was nice of you." 
Susan: "So, can I?" 
Edie: "No."
(Edie takes off jogging again. Susan runs after her.) 
Susan: "Edie! Edie, why can't I go out with him?"
(Edie stops jogging again.) 
Edie: "Because I saw him first." 
Susan: "Come on, that's a really 3rd-grade thing to say." 
Edie: "Look, you asked my permission, I said no. That should be the end of it!"
(Edie takes off jogging again. Susan yells after her.) 
Susan: "Well, you know, technically, I don't need your permission!"
(Edie stops jogging and turns to face Susan.) 
Edie: "You know, I so much want to like you but you just won't let me." 
Susan: "Edie." 
Edie: "Susan, you know I try. I try to look passed your flaws, your klutziness, that, that faux vulnerability, your hair, but you look for ways to push my buttons." 
Susan: "He just wants to buy me a burrito." 
Edie: "Susan, please. Let me like you." 
Susan: "Okay, I won't go out with him. I mean obviously you have feeling for him." 
Edie: "No, I don't. I really don't." 
Susan: "So what then? If you can't have him, nobody can?" 
Edie: "See? Now you're thinking like a friend."
(Edie turns and jogs away leaving Susan with a dumbfounded look on her face.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Cemetary]
(A singer in black, holding a single rose, sings Ave Maria as she leads a procession of black-clad mourners for Juanita Solis.) 
(Lynette walks with Bree.) 
Lynette: "What a voice." 
Bree: "You have to hand it to Gabby and Carlos. They do grieve better than anyone."
(A white horse pulling a carriage containing Juanita Solis' casket is leading the procession. Carlos and Gabrielle are near the front of the group.) 
Gabrielle: "So, how much did that horse and buggy set us back?" 
Carlos: "Do you mind?" 
Gabrielle: "Being poor? A little."
(The priest turns to look at Gabrielle.) 
Gabrielle: "Eyes front, Padre."
(In the group of mourners, Susan and Julie walk together.) 
Susan: "I can't believe Edie. She doesn't have dibs on every man on the planet. If I want to go out with Bill, I should be able to." 
Julie: "I thought you weren't even into him." 
Susan: "Well, neither is she. And if she's not into him, why can't I not be into him." 
Julie: "I'm gonna mourn now."
(The procession begins to slow down.) 
Gabrielle: "What's going on? Why are we slowing down?" 
Carlos: "'Cause we're almost there."
(Gabrielle looks straight ahead and sees them heading towards a very large crypt.) 
Gabrielle: "What is that?" 
Carlos: "The family who owned it couldn't afford the maintenance payment. I got an amazing deal." 
Gabrielle: "A crypt? You bought your mother a crypt?" 
Carlos: "Keep quiet. You're making a scene!" 
Gabrielle: "Oh, that's it. I cannot be a part of this! I can't do it!"
(Gabrielle pushes the program into Carlos' hand and walks away. Carlos follows her.) 
Carlos: "Gabrielle!"
(After a second hesitation, the group of people begins following Carlos and Gabrielle off the path.) 
Carlos: "Stop acting like a child!"
(Lynette and Bree stop walking.) 
Lynette: "Are, are we supposed to be following them?" 
Bree: "I don't know. I mean, maybe it's part of the ritual." 
Gabrielle: "Go to hell, Carlos!"
(Bree's mouth drops open. She turns to Lynette and hands her the rose she had been holding. She then calls out to the group who had followed Carlos and Gabrielle.) 
Bree: "All right, people. We're going to follow the body. This way please."
(She claps her hands to get their attention.) 
Bree: "Come along."
(Everyone starts to follow Bree.) 
(Away from the crowd, Gabrielle turns to Carlos.) 
Gabrielle: "This is too much. The only reason I agreed to give up the house is because I thought I was gonna get a gorgeous little apartment. Now, I'm not even going to get that!" 
Carlos: "What do you want me to do?" 
Gabrielle: "Take the plea!" 
Carlos: "What?" 
Gabrielle: "Yeah! You did the crime, why should I have to pay the price? Just suck it up, be a man, and do the time." 
Carlos: "Gabrielle, you're being ridiculous!"
Gabrielle: "Am I? All I want is the same respect that you gave your dead mother." 
Carlos: "Gabby, please just-" 
Gabrielle: "At least she's gonna have a roof over her head."
(She storms off, leaving Carlos shaking his head.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Country Club Tennis Court]
(Alisa, Dennis, Tom, and Lynette play tennis. Alisa serves.) 
Alisa: "Fifteen all."
(Alisa serves and Tom hits it back just in the line.) 
Alisa: "Oh, was that in?" 
Tom: "Nice try."
(Tom and Lynette laugh. Alisa goes to get the ball.) 
Dennis: "God, Alisa, you're deaf, not blind."
(Lynette and Tom are visibly shocked by Dennis' words.) 
Tom: "It was a close call." 
Lynette: "That's telling him." 
Tom: "Waiting for my moment." 
Dennis: "If you think her tennis stinks you should try her cooking."
(Tom and Lynette glance at each other.) 
Alisa: "Fifteen-thirty."
(Alisa serves. Lynette hits it back nearly hitting Dennis. He drops.) 
Lynette: "Sorry. I should have mentioned that my tennis is much better than my cooking."
(Later, everyone approaches the net. Lynette and Alisa pat hands.) 
Lynette: "That was fun. You play really well." 
Alisa: "Thank you." 
Dennis: "Give me a break, she serves underhand, for god sake."
(Lynette and Tom see that Alisa did not hear that comment. Lynette stares at Tom silently asking him to say something. Tom doesn't nothing.) 
Lynette: "What's your problem?" 
Dennis: "Excuse me?"
(Alisa looks up. Tom rushes over to her.) 
Tom: "Hey, do have any bottled water over there because, uh, my electrolytes get all wacky when I sweat."
(Tom walks over to Alisa, blocking her view.) 
Lynette: "She's your wife. How can you talk about her like that?" 
Dennis: "Let me tell you what Saint Alisa is saying with that phony smile plastered on her face." (signing and talking) "'Move your ass, Dennis. Nice love handles, Dennis. Try switching your deodorant, Dennis.'" 
Lynette: "All right, enough. If you've got issues with your wife, tell her." 
Dennis: "We're in counseling." 
Lynette: "Yeah, well it's not working too well if you have to unload on a perfect stranger, is it? If you're unhappy in your marriage, do something, instead of just complaining, 'cause frankly, I don't want to hear it!" 
Alisa: "Hey! Let's trade partners." 
Lynette: "Great."
(Tom hands Lynette a bottle of water.) 
Lynette: "Thanks." (to Alisa) "I'll play with you."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Susan's House]
(Susan comes out the door and sees Bill filling her front tire again.) 
Susan: "Hey!" 
Bill: "Hey. You did not take this in. This should hold but you gotta take it in." 
Susan: "Thank you. I know, I'm going to. It's on the top of my list." 
Bill: "Whew! That was hard work." 
Susan: "Would you like a glass of water and maybe an excuse to come in and talk to me?" 
Bill: "Sounds great."
(In Susan's kitchen, she fills a glass of water from the tap.) 
Dennis: "So, it's tomorrow. I told you I'd check back in on that date." 
Susan: "Bill, um, I have my reasons."
(Susan gets ice cubes from the freezer and hands the glass to Bill.) 
Bill: "Am I hideous?" 
Susan: "Oh, God, no. No! You are just so incredibly not hideous." 
Bill: "Thank you. I think." 
Susan: "See now. Maybe it's the word "date" that's throwing me off." 
Bill: "Look. I just want to have some fun. You know dinner, drinks. No strings attached."
(Susan smiles. She looks at her refrigerator which has Mike's unopened letter clipped to it.) 
Susan: "Okay, I'll go out with you." 
Bill: "Great. I know this little place out of the way. You're gonna love it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Gabrielle's House]
(Carlos sits at the table, writing. Gabrielle walks up to him.) 
Gabrielle: "Whatcha doing?" 
Carlos: "Making an emergency list for you so you'll know who to call in case the roof leaks or the power goes out..." 
Gabrielle: "Why?" 
Carlos: "I'm taking the plea bargain. So you can keep the house. When I buried my mother, I did it with respect and I don't regret a single penny. But I'm the one that got us into the position that we're in, and the moment I did, I stopped respecting you."
(Carlos hands Gabrielle the list.) 
Carlos: "And that's not right." 
Gabrielle: "You are so brave." 
Carlos: "It's not without strings. I need you to promise me that you're gonna be here when I get out." 
Gabrielle: "Well, that's a ridiculous thing to say. I'm not going anywhere." 
Carlos: "And I need you to promise me that you'll be faithful while I'm gone." 
Gabrielle: "Yeah. Of course." 
Carlos: "Gabrielle, I'm no fool. You're a beautiful woman and I understand that you have needs. But I'm a very jealous and possessive man, and I need to hear you say it." 
Gabrielle: "I promise." 
Carlos: "Okay then. Tomorrow morning, we'll so and see the lawyers." 
Gabrielle: "I love you."
(Gabrielle gets up and sits on Carlos' lap.) 
Carlos: "I love you too."
(They kiss, then hug.) 
Carlos: "And just so you know, I'm gonna hold you to that promise."
(Gabrielle looks worried.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bree's House]
(While it's still dark outside, Andrew sleeps in his bed. Bree quietly shakes him and Rex turns on the light. Andrew wakes up and sees his mother and father standing over him.) 
Andrew: "What's going on? Did Grandma die?" 
Rex: "Uh, no, she's fine. Listen, Andrew..."
(Bree sits on bed next to Andrew.) 
Bree: "Sweetheart, it's been clear to us for sometime now that you've been unhappy. All this acting out..." 
Rex: "The pot smoking, the violence." 
Bree: "It just isn't you. And we feel that you need to spend some quality time thinking about the goals in your life and what kind of person you want to be." 
Andrew: "What the hell are you talking about?" 
Bree: "There's this place called Camp Hennessey. It's designed for teenagers like yourself who have lost their way and..." 
Andrew: "You gotta be kidding me." 
Rex: "They, they emphasize discipline and responsibility. Two things you're sorely in need of." 
Bree: "Hopefully, you won't have to be there for more than a few weeks." 
Andrew: "You can stop this now. I'm, I'm not going to any stupid camp for juvenile delinquents."
(Rex walks to the door and Andrew lies back down, turning his back to his mother.) 
Rex: "We're ready." 
Bree: "Sorry, honey, but you don't have a choice."
(Two tall, muscular men walk into the room. Andrew looks at them and then at his mother. Andrew jumps out of bed and tries to run past everyone. The men grab him.) 
Rex: "Son!" 
Andrew: "Get your hands off of me!" 
Rex: "Andrew, Andrew, it's no use fighting. Now, these gentlemen are going to help you get dressed and then they're gonna drive you to the camp." 
Men: "We can take it from here." 
Andrew: "Wait, wait. Mom, mom, wait, please, I'm sorry, mom. Please."
(Bree approaches Andrew.) 
Bree: "Honey, it's going to be okay, I promise."
(Andrew spits in her face.) 
Andrew: "I know this was your idea."
(Rex charges at Andrew, who's still being held by the two men.) 
Rex: "Why you little..."
(Bree pulls Rex off.) 
Bree: "Stop it. Honey, no matter what you say or do, I will always love you."
(Andrew pulls away from her.) 
Man: "Let's go, come on."
(Bree and Rex turn to leave the room while Andrew stares after them.) 
(Later, in the dining room, Rex sits at the table, drinking coffee. Bree comes up behind him and hugs him.) 
Rex: "What's that for?" 
Bree: "For being here. For standing by me through this."
(She sits down next to Rex.) 
Bree: "You don't know what it means to me, Rex. It's been a long time since I felt I had a real partner. And it really helps, especially on a horrible morning like this."
(Rex reaches out and covers her hand with his. Bree puts her other hand over Rex's.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Barcliff Academy]
(Lynette is fixing the twins backpacks in the hallway when Alisa approaches her.) 
Lynette: "Hey, Alisa, hey Lily, how are you guys?" 
Alisa: "May I speak to you, please?" 
Lynette: "Um, sure. Here,boys. Stay right there." 
Twin: "Yes, Mom."
(Alisa signs to Lily to stay there as well and the two mothers go into an empty classroom.) 
Lynette: "So, how are you?" 
Alisa: "Dennis left me." 
Lynette: "What?" 
Alisa: "Dennis left me!" 
Lynette: "Why?" 
Alisa: "You told him to. You moron!" 
Lynette: "I'm sorry, What?" 
Alisa: "You talked to my husband about my marriage and it's none of your business!" 
Lynette: "I'm sorry but I can't understand you. You're gonna have to talk slower."
(Alisa turns, frustrated, toward the door. She goes over and pulls Lily in. She signs something to her daughter then begins signing to Lynette.) 
Lily (translating): "Dennis said you yelled at him for saying stuff behind my back." 
Lynette: "Well, yeah!" 
Lily (translating): "And he said you told him our counseling wasn't working." 
Lynette: "Yes, that's not exactly what I..." 
Lily (translating): "Where the hell do you come off telling people to stop going to counseling?" 
Lynette: "I didn't mean that you..." 
Lily (translating): "Sure, we have our share of problems. Financial, emotional, sexual..."
(Lynette turns to Lily briefly as she translates.) 
Lily (translating): "...but we were solving them." 
Lynette: "Alisa, come here."
(She pulls Alisa aside.) 
Lynette: "Are you sure you want to be saying these things in front of your daughter?"
(As she talks, Lynette holds up her purse so Lily can't see what she is saying.) 
Alisa: "Now, you're telling me how to raise my daughter?" 
Lynette: "Lily, we're coming back."
(Lynette walks back over to Lily and Alisa follows.) 
Lynette: "Alisa, I am so sorry if I caused a problem. I just wanted to help." 
Alisa: "Why? Why did you want to help?" 
Lynette: "Well, because..." 
Alisa: "Because I am deaf?" 
Lynette: "No, because your husband was being a total jerk!"
(Alisa begins signing.) 
Lily (translating): "You just gotta come in on your white horse and come to the rescue. Well, guess what? I didn't need to be rescued, got that? I didn't need to be rescued!"
(Alisa and Lily walk to the door. Alisa turns back to Lynette.) 
Alisa: "Bitch!" 
Lily: "Ah, she said..." 
Lynette: "Yes, thank you. I know what she just said."
(Alisa grabs Lily's arm and storms out.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Restaurant]
(Susan and Bill sit at a table in a restaurant.) 
Susan: "I mean, one minute we're making out in his truck and the next thing I know, we're at the hospital and the doctor's digging a bullet out of him. It's just that when I started dating Mike, he seemed like such a normal guy, you know?" 
Bill: "They always do. You wanna get some nachos?" 
Susan: "I mean obviously I am not going to read the letter. At some point you just gotta let it go, right?" 
Bill "Right. You mind if we leave off the jalape�os? I'm not so good with spicy things." 
Susan: "I don't mean to be babbling. It's just really complicated and there is so much about Mike you don't even know." 
Bill: "That would surprise me at this point."
(Susan looks up and sees Edie storming over to their table.) 
Bill: "Edie." 
Edie: "Your foreman said that you were out on a date with a hottie. Evidently, someone's in need of Lasik." 
Susan: "You tracked us down?" 
Edie: "Oh, well, it wasn't hard. I just followed the stench of betrayal. We had an agreement, Susan." 
Susan: "No, we didn't. You know I just said what you wanted to hear because you guilted me into it." 
Edie: "I was trying to protect our already fragile friendship." 
Bill: "Am I in the middle of something here?" 
Edie: "Not any more. You" (to Susan) "I will hate forever. And you" (to Bill) "are fired." 
Susan: "Edie!" 
Bill: "You're firing me because I'm going out with Susan?" 
Edie: "Yes, and before you start whining that dating her is punishment enough, save it."
(She walks away. Bill and Susan look exasperated.) 
(Later, on a dark road, Susan drives Bill home.) 
Bill: "I suppose I could tell her you threw yourself at me. You were lonely, you begged to have dinner and I took pity on you." 
Susan: "Well, excuse me, but that, that kinda makes it sound like it was my fault. You can't possibly blame me. I'm not the one who fired you." 
Bill: "Right. You just chose not to tell me that Edie would be insanely mad if I went out with you. Slow down. You're driving too fast!" 
Susan: "You know, this is between you and Edie. I just got sucked into the drama." 
Bill: "Yeah. I bet you tell yourself that all the time." 
Susan: "What does that mean?" 
Bill: "You didn't get sucked into the drama. You invited it in." 
Susan: "That's not true!" 
Bill: "You spent the last hour obsessing over your ex-boyfriend. Even though he's a sketchy ex-con who very possibly strangled your neighbor." 
Susan: "Well, no, he didn't." 
Bill: "And Edie told you not to go out with me, but did you listen? No, because you saw the potential for disaster and you just couldn't resist getting in there." 
Susan: "Okay, Mr. let's-just-have-fun-cause-I'm-the-charming-casual-contractor-man. You chased me, so own it, my friend!"
(There's suddenly a loud bang and the front tire on Susan's car goes flat. Susan is unable to control the car, and it runs off the road.) 
(Later, Susan and Bill sit by the side of the road, the crashed car behind them.) 
Bill: "You didn't get that tire fixed, did you?" 
Susan: "I was meaning to. I guess I do invite the drama in. Just a little."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Lynette's House]
(Lynette and Tom lie in bed, watching TV.) 
Lynette: "Tom, am I a bad person?"
(Tom uses the remote to turn off the TV.) 
Tom: "No, why would you say that?" 
Lynette: "I don't know. I guess I just have it in my head that only bad people break up marriages and offend the handicapped." 
Tom: "Well, I did try to warn you." 
Lynette: "You did. Why do I do it? This compulsion to stick my nose where it doesn't belong. I mean..." 
Tom: "You were just looking out for your friend." 
Lynette: "Yeah, a lot of good it did her." 
Tom: "At least you tried. I admire you for that." 
Lynette: "Oh, please." 
Tom: "Hey, I'm the guy who let Dennis badmouth his wife because I was afraid of making a scene. But you, you knew it was wrong and you let him have it." 
Lynette: "That's me. Never afraid to create a scene." 
Tom: "My point is you have a strong sense of what is right and you are not afraid to act on it and I admire you for that." 
Lynette: "You know what I admire you for? You find a way to compliment me when you could say 'I told you so.'"
(Lynette leans over and kisses Tom. He signs something to her.) 
Lynette: "You just signed 'I told you so', didn't you?" 
Tom: "You'll never prove it."
(Tom turns off the light.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Sacred Heart Hospital]
(Mr. Steinberg, the man who eavesdropped on Gabrielle and Nurse Heissel's conversation earlier, leads Gabrielle into his office.) 
Mr. Steinberg: "Thanks for coming in Mrs. Solis. I believe you've met Nurse Heissel?"
(Gabrielle sees Nurse Heissel sitting in the corner.) 
Gabrielle: "Yes, hello, again." 
Mr. Steinberg: "Nurse Heissel became quite attached to your mother-in-law. That's why I asked her to be here for this. First of all, I want you to understand that we consider our commitment to our patients a sacred trust."
(Nurse Heissel lets out a sob. Gabrielle turns to look at her.) 
Gabrielle: "Okay." 
Mr. Steinberg: "Having said that, it appears there may, and I stress may, have been a breakdown in our chain of care."
(Nurse Heissel sobs again. Again, Gabrielle turns to look at her.) 
Mr. Steinberg: "I can assure you that we hold our staff to the highest standards in the industry. But we are only human, after all."
(Nurse Heissel lets out a long whimper. Gabrielle turns and touches Nurse Heissel.) 
Gabrielle: "Honey, are you okay?"
(Nurse Heissel continues to whimper as she shakes her head.) 
Mr. Steinberg: "Nurse Heissel, why don't you step out?"
(Nurse Heissel gets up crying.) 
Nurse Heissel: "I'm so sorry." 
Gabrielle: "Uh huh."
(Nurse Heissel leaves the room.) 
Mr. Steinberg: "We all share in your grief." 
Gabrielle: "Apparently." 
Mr. Steinberg: "And we're hoping to alleviate any further pain your family may suffer by offering some monetary compensation."
(Mr. Steinberg puts a letter in front of Gabrielle. She picks it up to read.) 
Mr. Steinberg: "Provided you and your husband waive any future right to litigation, of course." 
Gabrielle: "Monetary compensation? You're trying to buy us off?" 
Mr. Steinberg: "Let's not get tangled up in legalese. We like to think of it as an extension of our caring." 
Gabrielle: "Well, in that case, care away."
(Gabrielle hands the document back, smiling.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Gabrielle's House]
(Gabrielle sits in her car in the driveway, talking on the phone.) 
Gabrielle: "Mr. Hartley, I have a hypothetical question for you. I like to play the lottery and I - yes, I know what the odds are, but I just love those scratch-offs. Say I were to win, I don't know, a million six hundred thousand dollars. Would the government be able to take it? Like they took everything else?"
(There's a pause as Gabrielle listens to the answer, then she gets out of the car.) 


Gabrielle: "That's what I thought. The bastards. So, what if we won the lottery after Carlos went to jail? Could the government touch the money then? Hypothetically. I see. And we could keep the house."
(Gabrielle walks toward the front door. She sees Carlos vacuuming just inside the front door. He smiles and waves at her. Gabrielle smiles and waves back.) 
Gabrielle (on the phone): "Oh no, I'm just at the grocery store wondering if I should buy a ticket. Thanks a bunch, Mr. Hartley. So what time should I bring Carlos to the DA's office tomorrow? Great."
(Gabrielle, smiling, hangs up the cell phone.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bree's House]
(Bree walks into the dining room, where Danielle and Rex are seated. She puts down a bowl of food and leans over to kiss Rex.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"We all honor heroes for different reasons. Sometimes for their daring..."
(Danielle turns and looks at her brother's empty chair.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Gabrielle's House]
(Gabrielle and Carlos sit on their couch. Carlos reads the paper and Gabrielle reads a magazine. They are holding hands.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Sometimes for their bravery..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Lynette's House]
(Lynette feeds the baby in the kitchen. Tom is in the background, watching her.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Sometimes for their goodness..."
(Tom goes over to Lynette and leans down.) 
Tom (to the baby): "I love you."
(Lynette turns to him and signs "I love you.") 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Outside]
(Susan walks towards Mike's house with his sealed letter in her hands. Susan slides the letter under Mike's door.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"But mostly we honor heroes because at one point or another, we all dream of being rescued."
(Inside his house, Mike picks up the unopened letter and watches Susan walk away.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Of course, if the right hero doesn't come along, sometimes we just have to rescue ourselves."
(Susan continues walking back home.) 
~ The End ~




DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
1X18: CHILDREN WILL LISTEN
------------------------------------------------------------
Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives 
[INT:Hospital -Corridor -Night] 
(Mama Solis wakes up and walks through the hospital corridor.) 
Mama Solis: Is anybody here? 
(Mama Solis falls down the stairs, whilst a nurse smokes around the corner.) 
[INT:Hospital-Office -Day] 
Doctor: It appears there may have been a break down in our chain of care. 
(The doctor pushes a piece of paper across the desk to Gabrielle, it contains details of a settlement.) 
Gabrielle: Are you trying to buy us off? 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Sometimes if you're not careful? 
[INT:Van Der Camp House -Andrew's Room -Night] 
Bree: There's this place called Camp Hennessy. 
Andrew: I'm not going to any stupid camp for juvenile delinquents. 
(Two large men take Andrew away.) 
Bree: You don't have a choice. 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Past mistakes... 
[EXT: Lake -Night] 
(Paul throws the wrapped up chest into the lake.) 
[INT Police Station -Day] 
(Policeman shows pictures of the chest to a carpenter.) 
Policeman: We pulled it out of Rockwater Lake. 
Carpenter: I must have sold several hundred of these, just like it. We have a list of customers' names on file. 
[EXT: Lake-Night] 
Mary Alice Voiceover:...will come back to haunt you. 
[EXT:Young House-Night] 
(Paul and Zach are arguing.) 
Zach: I won't tell anyone.I'll keep your secret, dad? 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Solis House -Garden -Day] 
Mary Alice Voiceover: There were many things Gabrielle Solis knew for certain- 
(Gabrielle comes outside, runs her fingers through her hair & smoothes her dress.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: She knew red was her colour. She knew diamonds went with everything. 
(Gabrielle collects the mail, next door neighbour is playing catch with his son, but stops to look at her.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:-And she knew men were all the same- 
(Gabrielle stops the baseball with her shoe, and gives the ball back to the boy.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: But the one thing Gabrielle knew above all else - she would never want children... 
(Gabrielle watches Carlos smiling at the father and son playing together.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:Unfortunately for Gabrielle, her husband Carlos felt differently. 
[INT:Solis House -Gabrielle and Carlos-Bedroom-Night] 
(Gabrielle and Carlos are in bed, Gabrielle is putting on hand cream and Carlos is reading.) 
Gabrielle: I'm so lucky to have you, 
Carlos: **huh** OK, I'll bite. 
(He puts book down) 
Carlos: Why are you so lucky? 
Gabrielle: Because I don't want to have kids and you do. 
Carlos: That. 
Gabrielle: Most men would leave over something like that, and you're still here. I'm grateful. I know the sacrifice you're making. 
Carlos: There's still a little part of me that's hoping to change your mind. Once you had a baby I think that you would love it so much. 
Gabrielle: Honey. It's not going to happen. 
Carlos: You never know. 
Gabrielle: No, sometimes you do. 
Carlos: Well, it is a sacrifice. But you're worth it. 
(Gabrielle leans over and kisses him.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, Gabrielle Solis knew without a doubt she didn't want to be a mother. 
[split screen: multiple shots of Gabrielle and Carlos having sex and Carlos' prior tampering with Gabrielle's birth control, changing the pills.] 
Mary Alice Voiceover: But what she couldn't know was just how much her husband wanted to be a father or that he had been tampering with her birth control for months. Or that in one week's time she would be pregnant. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Opening Credits 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT. Wisteria Lane-multiple shows of children playing- Day] 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Saturdays on Wisteria Lane belong to the children. And whilst most would spend the day practicing their sports and riding their bikes and jumping their ropes, others were no longer engaged in child's play. Indeed some children were being forced to grow up very quickly. 
[EXT. Young House -Garden-Day] 
( Zach is raking leaves and Paul is talking to policemen.) 
Policeman #1: Sorry to bother you on the weekend, we just have a few questions for you. 
Paul: About what? 
Policeman #2: Twelve years ago, your late wife purchased a toy chest. 
Paul: Toy chest? 
Policeman #1: Yeah, it was about this big, had dancing bears on it. 
Paul: Gosh, sorry. 
Policeman #2: The craftsman who makes these chests keeps a list of customers. Apparently you purchased one in August 1992. 
Policeman #1: Yeah, we'd like to know where that chest is now. 
Paul: Wow. I, um, wish I could help you but I don't recall any toy chest. 
Zach: I remember. Yeah, it had little bears and balloons on it, right? 
Policeman #1: Yes son, that's right. 
Zach: Yeah, we threw that chest away when I was little. I was standing on it and it just busted. Remember, dad? 
Paul: Vaguely. 
Policeman #1: I guess that's all then. Thank you both for your time 
(The policemen turn, about to walk away.) 
Zach: Hey what's the deal with this chest anyway? 
Policeman #1: One just like you had washed up on Torch Lake. Had a woman in it 
Zach: Woman? 
(The policemen leave.) 
Policeman #1: She was all chopped up. 
Paul: Obviously we need to talk. 
(Shot of Mrs Tilman holding shears and looking suspiciously at the two Young men.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Young House -Living Room -Day] 
Zach: You lied to me. You said that it was a man in the box. 
Paul: No I didn't lie. 
Zach: Well, the policeman said it was a woman's body, of course you were lying. 
Paul: I told you that a private detective came to take you away from us; I never said it was a man. 
Zach: You didn't? 
Paul: No. 
Zach: Well, I thought that I... 
Paul: No. 
Zach: Stop, Please dad stop. Look, I know that you're lying to me. OK, I know that you're lying. 
Paul: For the last time. Someone came and tried to take you away from us. 
Zach: Yes, a woman, a woman came. 
Paul: Yes, she tried to steal you. From the only family you'd ever known and we couldn't let that happen and we didn't and that is the truth. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT :Van Der Camp House -Living Room -Day] 
(Bree is packing a care package for Andrew.) 
Rex: We can't cancel now it's two days away. 
Bree: Rex, I'm not going and that's all there is to it. 
Rex: Counselling is part of the treatment at Camp Hennessy, you knew that. 
Bree: Nowhere in their brochure did it say that we were expected to attend. 
Rex: What's Andrew going to think if you don't show up? 
Bree: Well, I'm making him this care package. I mean he'll know I'm thinking about him. 
(Bree picks up a box of home made cakes.) 
Rex: Why are you putting in lemon squares? They told us not to send them sweets. 
Bree: Well, I don't understand why. 
Rex: I guess they feel baked goods from mom undermine the boot camp experience. 
Bree: Fine, I won't send them but I think it's a stupid rule. 
(Bree puts down the box.) 
Rex: So, are you going to this thing or not? 
Bree: No. 
Rex: Why? 
Bree: Because the minute I get there, Andrew will start attacking me for abandoning him and I don't want to hear it. 
Rex: There's no reason to feel guilty you know. You did everything you could for him. 
Bree: I don't feel guilty. 
Rex: OK. 
(Rex walks away, and Bree picks up the box of sweets, puts them in the package and seals it up.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Scavo House-Kitchen-Day] 
(Lynette is on the telephone, attempting to get ready for a day-out,has curlers in her hair and the boys are running wild.) 
Lynette (on telephone): Please Christy, there is no way that I can get another babysitter this late in the day. 
(Parker is ripping the petals off flowers) 
Lynette (to Parker): Parker, knock it off. 
Parker: No. 
Lynette: Because I'm having drinks with friends I used to work with and they never call and if I blow them off that's it. I'm dead to them. No, I can't call Patty Binks, because she steals things. Dammit, Christy, you're thirteen years old, you've got a lot of trips to the mall ahead of you. Ok, ok, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I raised my voice, I'm calm. I'm starting to think this is about money so what is it that'll make it worth your while? A hundred? That's extortion, there's no way in hell that I'm gonna. Hello, hello? 
Lynette (to Parker): Parker, I swear I will spank you, knock it off. 
Lynette (on telephone): Hi, Mrs Binks, is Patty there? Thank you. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Solis House-Living Room -Day] 
(Gabrielle is returning from a shopping trip to find her husband and a lawyer in the living room) 
Gabrielle: Hi honey, I'm back. 
Carlos: Hey sweetie. This is Mr Steinberg, the attorney from the hospital. 
Gabrielle: Oh, have we met? 
Mr Steinberg: Yes, Mrs Solis, we've met. 
Carlos: Don't you remember, it was after Mama died. Apparently the hospital was negligent and agreed to a seven figure settlement cheque. A cheque I was never told about. 
Gabrielle: Oh that. Mr Steinberg?. 
Mr Steinberg: I was just leaving. 
(Gabrielle and Carlos wait until Mr Steinberg closes the door before they start arguing.) 
Carlos: What were you thinking? 
Gabrielle: Wait, just let me explain. 
Carlos: No, why the hell didn't you tell me? 
Gabrielle: Because I couldn't trust you to make the right decision. 
Carlos: No, the right decision was to use that money for my lawyers. We could have fought the indictment and then I wouldn't have had to take the plea bargain. 
Gabrielle: If you didn't take the plea deal the government would have seized the settlement. 
Carlos: Oh, we could have fought that in court. 
Gabrielle: Exactly and then you would have blown all the money on the lawyers. 
Carlos: Who cares! If there was a chance I didn't have to go to jail? 
Gabrielle: You had Laotian convicts sewing casual wear for 2 cents an hour. Don't you think you deserve a time out? 
Carlos: Eight months! Thanks to you I'm going away for eight months. 
Gabrielle: And when you get out we're going to have money to start over with. Thanks to me.
(She retrieves her shopping from the chair.) 
Gabrielle: You know once you calm down, you're going to realise I did the right thing and when that happens, I'd appreciate an apology. 
(Walks away leaving Carlos dumbfounded.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT: Mayer House -Kitchen- Day] 
(Susan is painting at the kitchen table, and Julie goes to the sink to make a drink,sees a fender bender outside the window.) 
Julie: Grandma's here. 
(Susan joins her daughter at the window.) 
Susan: Now that is just perfect. Stay put. 
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[EXT:Wisteria Lane -Outside Mayer House-Day] 
Sophie: (To Mike) I am so sorry. 
Susan: Hey mom. 
(Mike looks at Sophie in shock as he realises who she is) 
Sophie: Oh hey Susie. Oops, I goofed. 
Susan: What happened? 
Sophie: You know me, no depth perception whatsoever. The state shouldn't have issued me a license. 
Mike: So you're Susan's mom? 
Sophie: Yeah. I'm Sophie Bremner. And you are- 
Mike: Mike Delfino. 
Sophie: Oh, you're Mike? Oh my god. Susan's told me so much about you. Well, don't just stand there, give me a hug! 
(Mike looks awkwardly at Susan as her mother hugs him.) 
Susan: Mom, Mike and I aren't together anymore. 
Sophie: Oh, sorry. I guess I just made this pretty awkward, huh. 
Susan: Yeah, you really did. So let's go call the insurance company. 
Sophie: Well, it's nice meeting you anyway, Mike. 
Mike: You too. And I never would've guessed you were Susan's Mom. 
Sophie: I know I look too young. I got pregnant when I was a tiny teenager. 
Susan: (embarrassed) Okay. 
Sophie: It was the first time I got drunk. Ever! Can you believe it? 
Susan: Let's go. 
Sophie: Her father was a marine you know. Afterward he gave me three of his medals. 
Susan: Mom! 
Sophie: What? 
Susan: Let's go inside and call the insurance company. 
Sophie: Oh, right. 
(Sophie walks into the house, Susan starts to follow but turns back to Mike) 
Susan (to Mike): What are you smiling about? 
Mike: I used to have all these questions about how you got to be the way you are. They're all just answered. 
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[EXT:Wisteria Lane-Outside the Van Der Camp House-Day] 
(Bree is fetching the post. Lynette is all dressed up, with the children in tow- searching desperately for someone to babysit) 
Lynette: Hi. (laughs) Hi. 
(Bree tries to sneak back into the house without being caught.) 
Bree: Hi. What's going on? 
Lynette: Oh, um, my babysitter cancelled 
Bree: Oh Lynette, I'm so swamped today. My house is a mess and I've got millions of errands to run. 
Lynette: Please hear me out, this is important. Today I have a chance to rejoin the human race for a few hours, there are actual adults waiting for me with margaritas.Look I'm in a dress, I have make up on. 
Bree: If it were any other day. 
(Lynette is desperate by this point.) 
Lynette: Oh for God's sake Bree, I'm wearing panty-hose. 
Bree: Bring them in. 
Lynette: Thank you, thank you. Alright in you go. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Mayer House-Kitchen-Day] 
(Susan and her mom are cooking.) 
Susan: And then the police showed me his mug shots. 
Sophie: No! 
Susan: Yes! Mike served time for selling drugs and manslaughter 
Sophie: I can't believe it. 
Susan: Well, it's true. 
Sophie: And he had such nice manners, you know. 
Susan: I know. 
Sophie: Susie, I don't want you worrying too much about this Mike thing. The right man will come along. Just give it time. 
Susan: I think I would have given up entirely if it weren't for you and Morty. 
Sophie: Morty? 
Susan: Yeah, you know, it's the third time around for both of you, and you're really clicking. It gives me hope. 
(Susan's eyes are watering from the onion she's chopping.) 
Susan: What's wrong? 
Sophie: Nothing, nothing. Um, I'm just tired. 
Susan: You're not tired. You took a nap. What is it? 
Sophie: I left Morty. 
Susan: What? Why? 
Sophie: Because he shoved me. 
Susan: Morty? No!! 
Sophie: You think I'm lying? Huh! Fine! 
Susan: Why would he shove you? 
Sophie: Because I confronted him. About how much time he's spending at the damned pancake restaurant. If that's where he's really been. 
Susan: Oh, you can't be serious? Morty? 
Sophie: You think that men his age don't have needs? You should see the waitresses he hires. Every year they get younger and younger. 
Susan: Alright, maybe you just feel that way because every year you get older and older. 
Sophie: Well, that's a horrible thing to say. 
Susan: I'm sorry. 
Sophie: I'm not that old. 
Susan: I said I was sorry. 
Sophie: People think we're sisters. 
Susan: Well, that's because you tell people that. 
Sophie: One time! You've got to let go of that. 
Susan: Okay, look; I'm just saying I don't think Morty cheated on you. 
Sophie: Well, he did shove me. The least you can do is be supportive. 
Susan: Alright, alright. 
Sophie: He also threw a book at me. 
Susan: Oh, come on! 
Sophie: Huh! 
Susan: I mean-He shouldn't have done that. 
Sophie: Thank you. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Van Der Camp House ?Dining Room- Day] 
(The baby (Penny) is in her pram, while two of the boys are scribbling over colouring books, while Porter is in the kitchen reaching for the fresh cookies.) 
Bree: Porter, honey, those cookies are hot. Just wait a few minutes and I'll give you one when they're cool, okay. 
(Bree turns back to the boys colouring in.) 
Bree: You know pictures are prettier if you colour inside the lines. 
(The boys pause then go back to their scribbling.) 
Bree: Well, art is subjective. 
(turns back to the kitchen.) 
Bree: Porter, what did I tell you? 
Porter: But I'm hungry. 
Bree: Well, then I will fix you a very nice bowl of peaches and cottage cheese. 
Porter: Ew, Barf! 
Bree: Don't be common, young man. Now come on, if you play around with those cookies one more time I'll have to spank you. 
(Porter returns to the table.) 
Parker: We don't get spanked. 
Bree: (unbelieving) Really?! 
Porter: Mommy always says she's going to but she never does. 
Bree: Well, I'm not your mommy and if you mess around in my house you will get spanked. Now be good. 
(Bree goes to check on the baby. Porter sneeks up to steal a cookie, the tray falls.) 
(Bree takes a deep breath when she sees the cookies on the floor.) 
Porter: It was an accident. 
Bree: Porter, I warned you. 
Porter: I'm sorry. I'll be good. 
Bree: Those cookies were made from scratch. Your fate is sealed. Come here. 
(Reaches for him, and pulls him with her to the table. She sits down and places him over her knee and spanks him.) 
Porter: No, no. Ow ow, ow ow. 
(The boys watch open mouthed as their brother gets spanked.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Solis House -Living Room -Day] 
(Gabrielle is filing her nails, Carlos places a piece of paper on the coffee table.) 
Gabrielle: What's that? 
Carlos: It's called a post nuptial agreement. It's a legal document that- 
Gabrielle: No, I know what a post-nup is, what is it doing on my coffee table? 
Carlos: Well, I can forgive that stunt you pulled with the settlement cheque. If I'm sure that you'll really be around when I get out of jail. 
Gabrielle: Hmm, so the post-nup changes the terms of the pre-nup so that- 
Carlos: So if you try to divorce me while I'm gone, you'll get nothing. 
Gabrielle: You don't trust me? 
Carlos: I'm afraid not. 
Gabrielle: Well, that's too bad. Cos I'm not signing that piece of paper. 
(Carlos puts a pen on top of the paper and stands beside the sofa she's sat on.) 
Carlos: You're a very beautiful woman. Gabrielle. But, you're not very bright. If you don't sign it, I'll pull the plug on the settlement agreement, divorce you. And then you get 50% of our current savings, which is basically nothing.
Gabrielle: So what do you expect to happen right now, Carlos? I sign the papers and jump into your arms. 
Carlos: This doesn't mean I don't love you. You know I think you're the perfect woman. 
Gabrielle: Oh, but I'm not. I have flaws. 
Carlos: Flaws? 
Gabrielle: Uh huh. I'll even give you an example. Remember the time you were in jail and you told me about your secret compartment and you told me to burn the papers that I found in there. Well, me being pretty and therefore stupid, I forgot. 
Carlos: You didn't burn the papers? 
Gabrielle: Worse. I read them. 
(Gabrielle gets up and confronts Carlos) 
Carlos: Okay, okay. 
Gabrielle: You have some nerve talking about trust when you have a secret bank account in the Cayman Islands. 
Carlos: That was a safety net for both of us. 
Gabrielle: I'll bet. 
Carlos: Have you told anyone else about this? 
Gabrielle: No, but I could. Hey, isn't that why the prosecution didn't have a case against you? They couldn't find the profits you made. So if I were you, Carlos, I wouldn't mention the words divorce, trust or post- nup ever again. You don't wanna piss me off. 
(Carlos is angry and throws a vase at the wall, where it smashes.) 
Gabrielle: I know baby, it hurts to lose. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Scavo House -Kitchen-Day] 
(Lynette, Susan, Sophie, Bree and Gabrielle are sitting down for an afternoon of poker.) 
Susan: Ante up. 
Sophie: Well, look at me, finally in on one of your legendary poker parties. Susan's always telling me how much fun you girls have. 
Susan: The rules are simple. We play for cash. The dealer picks the game and unsubstantiated gossip is encouraged. 
Sophie: Ahhh. 
Lynette: Bree, thanks again for watching my boys. You sure they weren't too much to handle? 
Bree: Oh no, we had a wonderful time. Although I think Porter had a little less fun. Okay, I'll bet. 
Gabrielle: So Sophie, Susan said you're going to the spa tomorrow. Is that an all day thing? 
Lynette: What do you mean Porter had less fun? I'll raise. 
Bree: Well, Porter was misbehaving so I had to punish him. 
Sophie: So yes, Susan is treating me to an entire day of beau- 
Lynette: Now when you say punishment, what exactly are you talking about? 
Bree: Oh, I had to spank him. Alright I will re-raise. 
Lynette: You spanked my son?! 
(The table falls silent.) 
Sophie: Las prises spa. Yep, that's where we're going. 
Bree: Lynnette, is there a problem? 
Lynette: Tom and I don't believe in hitting our kids, I thought you knew that. 
Bree: Sorry, I didn't know. It won't happen again. Of course, I'm a somewhat surprised you don't hit them, I mean everyone knows they're a little bit out of control. 
Susan: Wow, I'm just dragging today, shall we put on another pot of coffee? 
Gabrielle: Yeah, I'll do it. 
(Gabrielle gets up and puts on the coffee) 
Sophie: (quietly) I, I'll fold. 
Lynette: Yeah, you're right, Bree, I've got a lot to learn about parenting. And I feel so blessed to be getting sage advice from such an impeccable mother like you. I mean your kids turned out perfect, as long as you don't count Andrew. Where is he again, hum? Some kind of, uh, boot camp for juvenile delinquents. 
Susan: (attempting to keep the peace) Okay girls. 
Bree: I never said I was perfect. 
Gabrielle: Oh honey, nobody's blaming you. 
Lynette: The hell I'm not. 
Susan: Lynette! 
Bree: If you will excuse me. 
(Bree gets up from the table and leaves.) 
Gabrielle: Lynnette, will you go after her? 
Lynette: She spanked my son. I'm not apologising. 
Susan: (confidingly to her mother) Usually poker is more fun than this. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Scavo House -Bedroom-Night] 
(Lynette and Tom are getting ready for bed. Lynette is still fuming from the poker game.) 
Lynette: So help me, if you don't back me up on this I will lose it. 
Tom: Yes, Bree shouldn't have spanked Porter but, its not like she hurt him. 
(Lynette hangs clothes up in their wardrobe.) 
Lynette: That is not the point, you don't spank other people's children. 
Tom: He was misbehaving, she had to do something. B-but make no mistake, she definitely crossed the line. 
Lynette: Yeah, you're damned right she did. She could've tried something else, like a time out or she could have simply threatened to spank him. 
Tom: Yeah, 'cos that works out so well when we do it. 
Lynette: It does work. It does work most of the time. 
Tom: It used to work. They've figured out that it's an empty threat, they-they're on to us. 
Lynette: My mom used to beat the hell out of my sisters and me. And I won't do it. I will not become my mother. 
(They sit on the bed.) 
Tom: Fine. But the boys are getting older and smarter. And eventually, believe me, eventually they're gonna figure out that they outnumber us and then- 
Lynette: -We're screwed. 
Tom: Exactly. 
(Lynette falls back onto the bed.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Wisteria Lane -Outside Mrs Huber's House -Night] 
(Mrs Tilman is returning from grocery shopping, Zach is sitting outside his house playing the guitar.) 
Mrs Tilman: Excuse me, Zachery, would you mind helping me with these bags? There's some banana bread in it for you if you do. 
Zach: Uh, yeah, sure. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
INT: Mrs Huber's House -Kitchen-Night] 
(Zach tucks in to the promised banana cake.) 
Zach: This is really good, Mrs Tilman. Thanks a lot. 
Mrs Tilman: You're welcome, Zachery. 
Zach: You know I've never actually been in Mrs Huber's house before. 
Mrs Tilman: Obviously you haven't missed much. This is the place where good taste goes to die. So, I heard you and your father arguing the other day. Is everything alright at home? 
Zach: Yeah, we just have problems sometimes. 

Mrs Tilman: I bet you miss your mother. I'm sure things were different when she was alive, such a warm and loving woman. 
Zach: You knew my mother? 
Mrs Tilman: Yup, years ago in Utah. We worked together 
Zach: I didn't know that. 
Mrs Tilman: It's true. In fact, I'll tell you a secret. I once met you when you were a little baby. 
Zach: (worried) Really? 
Mrs Tilman: Your mother loved you so much, Zachary. Of all the things I remember, I remember that the most. 
(Zach cries.) 
Mrs Tilman: You want to know what else I remember? How lovely your original name was! 
(Offers Zach a tissue) 
(Zach looks up.) 
Zach: Dana? 
(Mrs Tilman nods) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Spa-Day] 
(Sophie and Susan are being pampered and getting leg massages.) 
Sophie: Isn't this nice? Just the two of us girls being out. Getting pretty. Oh, thank you. 
Susan: My pleasure. So I was thinking maybe you should call Morty- You know, get a start working things out. 
Sophie: Why would I want to work things out with a man who abuses me? 
(The masseuse gasps.) 
Susan: Oh oh oh. You don't have to gasp, my mother exaggerates. 
Sophie: She won't be happy until I have bruises. 
Susan: Okay, can we focus? What I want to know is have you thought about what's going to happy if you don't go back to Morty? 
Sophie: Um, what do you mean? 
Susan: Well, you don't have a place to live. You don't like to work. I mean, you didn't want to marry Morty, so he doesn't have to pay you alimony. I- I- it's just if you don't go back to this man who allegedly shoved you once in five years, what are your options? 
Sophie: I thought I could live with you. 
Susan: What? 
(Susan is shocked and kicks the masseuse.) 
Masseuse: Oooowwwww! 
Susan: Are you alright? 
Masseuse: You kicked me. 
(Susan grabs a towel and puts it to the masseuse's bleeding nose.) 
Susan: Oh, I'm so sorry. Here lean your head back. 
Sophie: I'm not saying permanently, just for a couple of years. 
Masseuse: You broke my nose. 
Susan: No, no it's just banged a little. 
Sophie: Until I get back on my feet. 
Susan: Mom, can we talk about this later? 
Masseuse #2: Should we call 911? 
Susan: No, it's just a nose bleed, she's fine. 
Sophie: I thought you'd be excited by the idea. 
Susan: It's not that I'm not excited? 
Sophie: I'm not stupid, Susan, it,s obvious you don't want me here. 
Susan: That's not true. 
(Sophie walks off awkwardly, careful not to ruin her wet pedicure.) 
Susan: Mom, don't go. Mom, come back. (to masseuse) I need to. We're good, right? 
Masseuse: Just go-
(Masseuse cries.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Wisteria Lane -Day] 
(Gabrielle is out jogging, listening to music. She stops as she sees John jogging (shirtless-yum!!) on the other side of the street. He stops and goes to cross the road to her. Gabrielle holds up her hand to stop him. He steps back on to the pavement. Gabrielle puts her earphones back in and starts jogging in the opposite direction, leaving John alone.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[INT:Van Der Camp House -Bedroom -Day] 
(Bree is sitting in her nightgown staring at clothes laid out on the bed.) 
Rex: Why aren't you dressed yet? 
Bree: I wanted to wear Andrew's favourite colour. Then I realised that I don't know what it is. 
Rex: Oh, honey. I think the fact you decided to come at all will make him happy. 
Bree: Yours is blue. Danielle loves pink. And I have no idea what my own son's favourite colour is. 
Rex: I'm telling you it doesn't matter. 
Bree: How can you say that it doesn't matter? Of course it matters. 
Rex: Bree. 
Bree: That is what makes a good mother. Someone who knows their child inside and out, so that if they get into trouble they'll know what to do. (sighs) I don't know him well enough. 
(Rex touches Bree's face, turning her to look at him.) 
Rex: You are a good mother. 
Bree: (takes a deep breath) Brown or green? 
Rex: I'm going to wait in the car. Whenever you're ready. 
Bree: Green. I'll go with green, everybody loves green. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Solis House -Dining Room-Day] 
(Gabrielle is reading a magazine. Carlos enters and puts the post-nup on top of the page she is reading.) 
Gabrielle: I told you I'm not signing this. 
Carlos: Oh, I think you are. Because if you don't I will divorce you. 
Gabrielle: Then I'll go to the police. 
Carlos: And tell them what? That there's a secret bank account in the Cayman Islands that no longer exists. 
Gabrielle: Huh, you moved the money? 
(Carlos moves towards Gabrielle menacingly.) 
Carlos: Of course I moved the money. 
(Gabrielle backs away from Carlos.) 
Gabrielle: Well, that was risky, I mean the feds are watching you right now. 
Carlos: I had to do something I couldn't just let you make a fool of me. 
(Gabrielle turns and runs out of the room. Carlos catches her in the hallway, carrying her back to the table.) 
Gabrielle: Oh, no. Stop, Carlos, stop it. Put me down. Put me down. Let me go. Argh! Stop, you're hurting me. Carlos! 
Carlos: Sign it. SIGN IT! 
(Carlos forces Gabrielle to sign the paper. Gabrielle cries over her hurt wrist.) 
Carlos: I know baby, it hurts to lose. 
(Gabrielle's face hardens, grabs her bag and storms out of the house.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Camp Hennessey -Day] 
(People are walking around the camp with bags, setting down stones. The Van Der Camps are seated at an outside tent having a drink. A girl passes the Van Der Camps wearing a presentable blue dress, with tattoos up her legs and arms.) 
Camp Counsellor: Mr and Mrs Van Der Camp. 
Bree: Yes, is it our turn? 
Camp Counsellor: Well, uh sort of, Andrew's waiting inside. 
Rex: What's wrong? 
Camp Counsellor: He said he won't go forward with the session if his mother's involved. He only wants to talk to his dad. 
Rex: We drove 200 miles to be here today. This is unacceptable. 
Camp Counsellor: I share your frustration. 
Rex: Alright, tell him that. We're going home. 
Bree: No. 
Rex: I'm not going to let him insult you like this. 
Bree: He blames me for his being here. He blames me for everything, and he's probably right. 
Rex: Any mistakes made were made by both of us. 
Bree: One of us should go talk to him, see how he is. 
Rex: Are you sure? 
Bree: Yeah. 
Camp Counsellor: Right this way. 
(Rex and the counsellor walk to the counselling room. Andrew opens the door and hugs his dad. He looks at his mom, who waves, and shuts the door. Bree looks down, upset.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[INT:Scavo House-Bathroom-Day] 
(The Scavo boys are crowded around the toilet, where a red toothbrush is floating) 
Parker: Mom, Mom! 
Lynette: Yeah, yeah, I'm coming. What is it? Why aren't you guys brushing your teeth? Parker, what happened? 
Parker: Porter pushed me and it fell in. 
Porter: He pushed me first. 
Preston: Can I flush it? 
Lynette: No, no. I'll fish it out later, alright.?(puts down the cover of the toilet) You're off the hook for tonight, but not you two so start brushing. Preston did you not hear me? I said start brushing your teeth. 
(Preston lifts the toilet seat and dangles his toothbrush over the toilet.) 
Lynette: What are you doing? Don't. You. Dare. 
Porter and Parker: Do it, do it, do it. 
Lynette: Preston, don't listen to them. Back away from the toilet and no one gets hurt. 
Porter and Parker: Do it, do it, do it. 
Lynette: I mean it this time, these are not just words. If you do this, so help me. 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Hearing the hollowness of her own voice, Lynette realised it was time to get one step ahead. 
Lynette: I will walk you over to Mrs Van Der Camp's and we all know what happens when she gets mad. 
(The boys are shocked into behaving and cleaning their teeth with vigour.) 
Lynette: Now go brush your teeth and I want them to sparkle. Go on. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Camp Hennessey-Day] 
(Two other mothers at the camp are talking.) 
Mom #1: Sorry you had to bring you kid back. What happened this time? 
Tug's Mom: Well, a couple of months back I caught Tug going through my purse. 
Mom #1: Aw, I hate when they do that. Was he looking for weed or money? 
Tug's Mom: Who knows at this point? Anyway I knocked a couple back and things got heated, pretty soon we're both screaming and throwing things around the apartment and the next thing we know the lady upstairs calls the cops on us. 
Mom #1: Oh, give me a break. 
Tug's Mom: So now I got some social worker trying to tell me how to raise my boy. 
Mom #1: If I knew then what I know now, I would've had that hysterectomy 20 years ago. 
(Bree looks disgusted at the women's conversation and heads off to the counselling room.) 
Rex: Uh, Bree. 
Bree: Don't get up. I'll be quick. Andrew, all any parent can do is try to provide their child with the tools to succeed in life. Education, love, a good, clean safe home. Well, I have given you those things and I'm through feeling guilty. So if you want to piss your life away and blame it on how horrible things are at home, then go ahead. But I want it stated for the record that I am a good mother. Do you hear me? I am a good mother. 
Rex: Bree, Andrew just told me that he thinks he might be gay. 
Bree: (shocked) What? 
Rex: That's why he wanted me to come in first. He thought I could take it better. 
Bree: Well, he was right. I'll be waiting in the car. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:John's apartment -Day] 
(John answers the door, and is shocked to see Gabrielle.) 
John: Mrs Solis, what are you doing here? 
(Gabrielle kisses him.) 
John: Okay. 
(Gabrielle looks around) 
Gabrielle: Are your roommates here? 
John: No. Are you okay? 
Gabrielle: Yeah. 
(Gabrielle starts to unbutton her shirt.) 
John: (looking at the bruise on her wrist) What's this? 
Gabrielle: That? Uh, oh Carlos just got a little rough, made me sign some papers. 
John: Did he hurt you? 
(Gabrielle is silent. John gets his coat and is about to walk out to challenge Mr Solis.) 
Gabrielle: John, what are you doing? 
John: I'm going to take care of this. 
Gabrielle: No, you're not going to do anything. 
John: No, I'm not going to let him get away with this. 
Gabrielle: If you really want to get back at him, Kiss me. 
John: How's that going to help? 
Gabrielle: Because one day, when the time is right I'm gonna tell him how he drove me into your arms and that's going to kill him. 
(They kiss.) 
Gabrielle: Tonight just, whatever you do-don't call me beautiful. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Morty's Pancake House -Day] 
(Susan enters from the parking lot. A waitress draws Morty's attention to Susan.) 
Millie (the waitress): Hey, Morty, look who's here. 
Susan: Hey, Millie, hi, Morty. 
Millie: Hey. 
Morty: Hey, Susie, what brings you here? 
Susan: Mom. I brought her over. 
(Sophie is pacing in the parking lot.) 
Morty: What's she doing out there? 
Susan: She said she won't come in until you go out and apologise to her. 
Morty: For what? 
Susan: For shoving her. 
Morty: I only shoved her 'cos she wouldn't, she wouldn't stop hitting me. 
Susan: Why was she hitting you? 
(Morty continues to sit the counter.) 
Morty: I th-, I threw a book at her. 
Susan: Morty! 
Morty: It was a paperback. 
Susan: Well, even so! 
Morty: At least I missed, she hit me straight in the guts. You want to see the bruise? 
(Morty goes to pull up his shirt.) 
Susan: That's okay, that's okay. 
Morty: It really hurt. 
Susan: Yeah, I understand. So could you, uh, just go out and apologise? 
(Susan sits down at the counter.) 
Morty: No. 
Susan: Why? 
Morty: 'Cos I don't want her back. 
Susan: Morty! 
Morty: Look, I love her. But the pancake shack is just starting to take off. We're talking about opening another one. That's practically a chain. I don't have time for her hysterics. 
Susan: Yeah, I sympathise, I really do. But you have to take her back. 
Morty: Why? 
Susan: Because she wants to move in with me. 
Morty: Oh. 
Susan: Morty, I'd like to have a relationship again. And at my age, with a kid, if she moves in to my house, even for a couple of years, I'm doomed. 
Morty: Wasn't there a plumber? Your mother said you were in love with a plumber. 
Susan: I am - I mean, I was. It didn't work out. 
Morty: Sorry. 
Susan: If she moves in she will burn up all my oxygen and I need it. Please can't you give her another chance? You guys are really good together, you know, when-when-when there's no violence. 
Morty: (admits) We do have chemistry. 
Susan: (willing to say anything to get rid of her mother) Absolutely. 
Morty: Well, the sex was like. Wow. I mean there was this one time when we were coming home on the interstate and we- 
Susan: You don't have to sell me. Go, just go talk to her. Now. 
Morty: OK. 
(Morty goes outside to talk to Sophie.) 
Susan: **Sigh** 
Millie: That was a mighty big sigh. 
Susan: I just keep thinking it's coming, Millie, and I can't stop it. 
Millie: What's that? 
Susan: The day my mother will need to come and live with me and I won't have a choice. 
(Whilst Susan is talking, we see Sophie and Morty arguing outside.) 
Millie: Uh huh. 
Susan: I know it's years away. She's youthful and vibrant, thank god. But time flies and one day she won't be able to take care of herself and I'll have to step up. 
Millie: I suppose that's true. 
Susan: I think it's natures little joke, that children ultimately end up parenting their parents. 
(Sophie is biting Morty on the arm, he's in pain.) 
Millie: Honey, you'd better get out there. 
(Susan turns around and sees what her mother is doing, runs outside.) 
Susan: What are you doing?! 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT: Wisteria Lane -Day] 
(Lynette and the Scavo children are playing outside.) 
Lynette: Hey. Look, I just wanted to apologise. 
Bree: Lynette, don't. The fact that you just crossed that street means the world to me. And if anyone should apologise here, it's me. 
Lynette: Thank you. It looks like Tom's got the mob under control. Do you want to have some coffee? Sit around? Bitch about our kids? 
Bree: I would love to. 
(Bree and Lynette walk over to the Scavo house.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Children come into the world with their own agendas- 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Scavo House -Porch -Day] 
Mary Alice Voiceover:Some to brighten our days-
(Tom laughs out loud when the baby gurgles.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT :Scavo House -Kitchen -Day] 
(Lynette and Bree are having coffee in the kitchen, whilst the boys play in the house.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Some to test our patience- 
(Lynette despairs as the boys knock over books while playing with lightsabers. Bree comforts Lynette who has her head in her hands) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT :Tilman House-Dining Room-Day] 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Some to give us purpose- 
(Mrs Tilman watches as Zach hungrily looks through her photo albums with pictures of his mother.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Mayer House -Living Room -Night] 
Mary Alice Voiceover:Some to take care of us-
(Susan places a blanket over her mother who has fallen asleep on the couch.). 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Van Der Kamp House -Day] 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, when they come children change everything- 
(Bree stops cleaning to look at a photo of Andrew, and puts her head in her hands). 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:John's apartment-Day] 
(Shots of Gabrielle and John having sex) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Especially when they're not invited. 
~ The End ~




DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
1X19: LIVE ALONE AND LIKE IT
------------------------------------------------------------
Recap 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on desperate housewives- 
[INT:Mayer House-Kitchen -Day] 
Julie: Grandma's here. 
(Off Susan's oh no' look) 
[EXT:Wisteria Lane-Outside Mayer House-Day] 
(Off Sophie's oops look) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: In life- 
[INT:Solis House - Living Room -Day] 
Carlos: It's called a post nuptial agreement. 
[INT:Solis House -Dining Room -Day] 
Gabrielle: I'm not signing this. 
(Struggle/ screams as Carlos forces Gabrielle to sign the post-nup.) 
Gabrielle: Stop, you're hurting me. 
[INT:John's Apartment-Entrance-Day] 
John: Mrs Solis, what are you doing here? 
Mary Alice Voiceover: You can't change what's already been done- 
[INT: Delfino House-Living Room-Day] 
(Mike is looking at a photograph of him and Deirdre when they were younger.) 
[EXT:Wisteria Lane -Outside Delfino House -Day] 
(Police arrest Mike, cuffing him on his car.) 
Deirdre's Dad (Noah): People leave trails one of those trails will lead to Deirdre. I'm not taking my money to the grave, I'm going to use it to save your ass. 
[INT :Restaurant -Night] 
(Mike and Noah sit having coffee and have a meeting about Deirdre.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:- Or who people really are.
[EXT:Kamp Hennessey -Counselling Centre -Day] 
(Andrew closes the door as Bree hesitantly waves to him.) 
[INT:Kamp Hennessey-Counselling Centre-Day] 
Rex: Andrew just told me he thinks he might be gay. 
(Shots of Andrew, Bree and Rex looking uncomfortable.) 
End of Recap 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Scavo House -Kitchen -Day] 
(Lynette pulls the garbage out of the bin with a sigh, carries it through the house to the window.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Every morning as she went to take out the trash, Lynette Scavo would indulge in a little daydream. The details of which were always the same. 
[EXT:Wisteria Lane-Outside Mrs McClusky's House-Day] 
(Lynette looks out the window towards the other side of the street, Mrs McClusky's house. Mrs McClusky is in her garden watering her plants with a hose. All of a sudden Mrs McClusky falls over, stiff as a board, spraying the water as she falls. Dead.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: One day her nasty neighbour Karen McClusky would keel over and die. And her home would be bought by a lovely Swedish family, with two adorable twin daughters. 
(A moving truck pulls up outside Mrs McClusky's house. As it pulls off we see a perfect blond family: mom, dad and two little girls. All waving across the street to Lynette. The Scavo family and the Swedish family walk into the street where they all shake hands and become firm friends.) 
[INT:Church -Day] 
(Shots of a joined wedding, with the two proud moms gushing at each other.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: The families would form an everlasting friendship, culminating in their daughters marrying her sons at an elaborate wedding-the Scavos would not have to pay for. 
[INT :Scavo House -Living Room-Day] 
(Off Lynette smiling at the happiness in her daydream) 
[EXT:Scavo House-Day] 
(Lynette has the look on her face that says 'Oh, not again'.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, Lynette enjoyed her little daydream, but Mrs McClusky always had a way of pulling her back to reality. 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Wisteria Lane -Outside Scavo House -Day] 
(Mrs McClusky is awkwardly carrying two dustbins across the street from the Scavo house. Lynette chases after her.) 
Lynette: Hey hey hey. HEY! Why are you stealing my garbage cans? 
Mrs McClusky: Garbage pickup was two days ago. These cans have been on the street ever since. I just assumed you didn't want 'em anymore. 
Lynette: Oh, that's cute. That's great. Here, Give them here. 
(Lynette put her rubbish in her bins, takes them off Mrs McClusky and walks back towards her house) 
Mrs McClusky: It's bad enough we have to stare at the godawful colour you painted the house, we shouldn't have to stare at your cans for days on end. 
Lynette: You want to talk about good neighbour etiquette, how about you hire a gardener to take care of that jungle you call a lawn. 
Mrs McClusky: I am on a fixed income. 
Lynette: Then why don't you think about moving somewhere less expensive? Like a nursing home? 
Mrs McClusky: Go to Hell. 
(Mrs McClusky waves her arm dismissively of Lynette. Walks away) 
Lynette: Run by Germans. Hmm? 
(Lynette turns around to put the bins down. When she turns back, she sees Mrs McClusky, bending over, slowly falling to the ground & taken ill.) 
Lynette: And you know-Mrs McClusky? 
(Runs across the street, worried about her neighbour.) 
Lynette: Mrs McClusky, are you alright? 
(Not knowing really what to do, she goes to open the door to let her inside,) 
Lynette: I'll get the door. 
(But by this point, Mrs McClusky is facing down on the floor and in obvious need of medical attention.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: For a brief moment Lynette was presented with an interesting choice of options. 
(Lynette looks up from Mrs McClusky trying to decide what to do, and sees the perfect Swedish family waiting by the moving truck.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: And even though she knew she'd hate herself in the morning, Lynette chose to do the right thing. 
(Lynette takes out her mobile phone and calls an ambulance.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Wisteria Lane-Back of Ambulance -Day] 
(Mrs McClusky is strapped on to a gurney and placed into the back of the ambulance.) 
Mrs McClusky: Lynette, where are they taking me? 
Lynette: You're going to the hospital, Mrs McClusky. You're going to be fine. 
Mrs McClusky: Well, I don't want to go alone. Come with me. 
Lynette (trying to get out of going with her): Well, these are trained technicians and I've got a roast in the-freezer. 
Mrs McClusky: Please, I'm scared. 
Lynette: Yeah, I'll come with you. Here I am. 
(Climbs into the ambulance) 
Mrs McClusky: Thank you. 
(Reaches out to hold Lynette's hand) 
Mrs McClusky: If I die I don't want it to be with strangers. 
Lynette: You're not going to die. 
(Mrs McClusky drops Lynette's hand.) 
Mrs McClusky: How can you be so sure? 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Of course Lynette didn't respond. How could she tell her neighbour that some dreams are just too beautiful to come true? 
(The ambulance pulls off -as Lynette looks out the back window to the perfect Swedish family sadly waving good bye to her.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Opening Credits 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT :graveyard -Day] 
(Noah sitting on a bench in the cemetery. Holding a photograph of Deirdre and rubbing a rosary in silent prayer.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Life is a journey. One that is much better travelled with a companion by our side. But sometimes we lose our companions along the way and then the journey becomes unbearable. 
(Mike walks up to Noah.) 
Mike: Noah, I didn't know you were a religious man. What's with the rosary? 
Noah: They found Deirdre. 
Mike (shocked): What? 
Noah: Her body had been stuffed inside a toy chest. Can you believe that? A kids toy chest? She's been dismembered. 
(Noah is fighting not to cry. Mike sits down with him) 
Mike: My god. 
Noah: The cops ID'd her from her dental records. She's been dead 15 years. All that time I was looking for her and she was already gone. 
Mike: I'm so sorry. 
Noah: I have to bury my baby, 
(Noah stands up and looks around.) 
Noah: I came out here to figure out what kind of tombstone to get her. 
Mike: You shouldn't be doing this now. Let's get you home. 
Noah: There's a cop I want you to talk to-
Mike: A cop? 
(Mike is unsure about what he's being asked to do.) 
Noah: His name is Sullivan. I paid him to take the heat off you for your neighbour's murder. He'll get you the file on Deirdre's case. Apparently they have some leads. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Kamp Hennessey-Outside Counselling Centre -Day] 
Rex: I don't know. I think we may be making a huge mistake. 
Bree: We made our decision, let's just stick to it. 
Rex: I say we leave him here three more weeks. What's the worst that could happen? 
Bree: Our son has just told us that he might be gay. There are two hundred other boys in this Kamp. Now I could explain to you what might happen if we left him here, but I'm a lady and I don't use that kind of language. 
(Both sigh, and they stand up and start to walk.) 
Rex: Now I bet we're worrying ourselves sick about nothing, this is probably just a phase. 
Bree: Exactly. So we'll get him home, we'll get him into Christian counselling so it won't become a lifestyle. 
Rex: Well, whatever's going on with him, he's still our son and we love him. 
Bree (outraged): Why would you say that to me? 
Rex: Because it's obvious how freaked out you are by the whole gay thing. 
Bree: I may be freaked out. But that doesn't change how I feel about him. 
Rex: I'm just saying. Be cool. 
(Rex turns to look at the opening door.) 
Bree: I can be just as cool as you can. 
Rex: Alright. 
(Andrew walks out, looking unsure. Rex goes to shake his hand, but pulls him into a bear hug.) 
Rex: It'll be nice to have you back. 
Bree: Andrew, I would love you even if you were a murderer. 
(Hugs him for a long time whilst Rex and Andrew share looks of 'Is she serious' behind her back.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Wisteria Lane -Outside Scavo House- Day] 
(Susan, Gabrielle and Lynette are sitting outside gossiping, while Lynette jiggles the baby in her pram. One of the twins comes running up.) 
Porter: Mommy, the line's not moving. 
(Susan looks behind Porter to see a queue of children at the ice cream van. She sees her mother at the van's window flirting with the ice cream man.) 
Susan: Oh, for Pete's sake. 
(Susan gets up to go and stop her mother.) 
(Sophie and the ice cream man are laughing and flirting.) 
Susan: (tries to get her mother's attention) Mom. Mom. 
Sophie: What? 
Susan: The kids are waiting. 
Sophie: Oh, honey, Hector here teaches salsa dancing at the community centre. 
Hector (ice cream man): I give private lessons too. 
Sophie: Oh, I bet you do. 
(Susan pulls her mother away from the van.) 
Susan: Mom, would you please not flirt with the ice cream man. 
Sophie: Why not? 
Susan: Do you need a reason beyond the fact he's the ice cream man? 
Sophie: It's called moving on with your life. 
Susan: You just broke up with Morty two weeks ago. Don't you think you could at least pretend to mourn the relationship. 
Sophie: You are such a stick in the mud. We should be out there having fun. I know what we can do tonight. (gets really excited)We can go to some hip club and get some hot guys. 
Susan: Mom! 
Sophie: I'll say I'm 42 and you can be 28. 
(Susan looks at her incredulously, like she can't believe what she's hearing.) 
Sophie: What? Oh, you can pull it off. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Scavo House-Doorway-Day] 
(Lynette opens the front door and is surprised to see her neighbour.) 
Lynette: Mrs McClusky, You're back from the hospital already? 
Mrs McClusky: It turns out I OD'd a little bit on my arthritis medication. One pill, I can open a jar, four pills. I'm face-down fighting for my life. You'll find out about that soon enough. 
Lynette: Huh, well, I'm glad to hear you're alright. 
Mrs McClusky: Here, it's my way of saying thank you for not letting me die out there on the lawn. 
Lynette: Oh, Mrs McClusky, you don't have to. 
Mrs McClusky: Keep it, it's genuine Tiffany. Been in my family for years. 
Lynette: I don't know what to say. It's stunning. Thank you. 
(Mrs McClusky reaches across the threshold to give Lynette a big hug. Lynette looks like she doesn't quite believe what's happening.) 
Lynette: I'd invite you in but-
Mrs McClusky: Well, I wanted to tell you what my doctor said. It seems the arthritis is the least of my problems. See, I have this skin tag, or at least I thought it was a skin tag, but it turns out it might be more serious.. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Solis House -Bedroom -Night] 
(Carlos walks towards the bed. Gabrielle is reading a magazine and puts her foot on his chest to stop him coming any closer.) 
Gabrielle: What do you think you are doing? 
Carlos: Please, I can't sleep in the den anymore. I need to sleep in a bed. 
Gabrielle: Well, you might want to try a motel, because you're not coming back in here. 
(Gabrielle takes her foot down and goes back to the magazine.) 
Carlos: How many times have I got to say I'm sorry? 
Gabrielle: Obviously a few more. 
Carlos: I'm not proud of what I did. I admit I was way out of line. 
Gabrielle: If you want back in this bed you know what to do. 
Carlos: I'm not tearing up the post-nup. 
Gabrielle: Why not? 
Carlos: 'Cos it's the one way I can be sure you'll be here when I get out of jail. 
Gabrielle: Well, then have fun at the motel. 
(Gabrielle turns away from him to read the magazine.) 
Carlos: Fine. Tomorrow I'm cancelling your credit cards. 
Gabrielle: What? 
Carlos: And I'm taking away your ATM as well. 
Gabrielle: What am I supposed to do for money? 
Carlos: Maybe once you see how good you've got it here, you'll treat me with a little respect. 
(Gabrielle gets up on her knees to be able to look Carlos in the eyes.) 
Gabrielle: You want my respect? Then tear up the post nup! 
Carlos: Give me my pillow. 
Gabrielle: One more thing. If you ever hurt me again, I WILL kill you. 
Carlos: If you ever leave me for another man, I'll kill you. 
Gabrielle (sarcastic): Boy, with all this passion, isn't it too bad we're not having sex? 
(Carlos walks away.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:John's Apartment -Living Room -Day] 
(John is kissing his way up Gabrielle's arm. Gabrielle doesn't quite seem into it.) 
Gabrielle: I feel trapped. 
John: You want me to open a window? 
Gabrielle: No, I'm talking about my life. 
John: Oh. So are we done making out? 
(She realises what he's proposing.) 
Gabrielle: No no, keep going. 
(John goes back to kissing her neck and shoulder.) 
John: So what's up? 
Gabrielle: I'm unhappy. Carlos and my marriage. I don't have options and it's driving me crazy. Every time something went south in my life, I always had a plan B. now I feel like I have nothing. 
(Stops kissing her) 
John: What about me? Can't I be your plan B? 
Gabrielle: Dammit John! What is our new rule? 
John (like a child being told not to hit his sister- you know the voice): Stop pretending we have a future. 
Gabrielle: Thank you. 
John: Can't you just walk out? 
Gabrielle: No, 'cos if I leave then I'll be broke, and that would be awful. And if I stay he'll be in control and that's horrifying. And he cut up all my credit cards, which means I'm married to him and unable to shop, which is probably the worst of all possible worlds. 
John: I'm sorry. 
Gabrielle: I'll figure something out. I'm sorry. I'm not much fun today, I'm going to go. 
(Gets up to leave) 
John: Wait. 
(Pulls his credit card out of his wallet and hands it to her) 
Gabrielle: What's this? 
John: You deserve nice things, and if Mr Solis won't provide them, I will. 
Gabrielle: With your student credit card? 
John: I own my own business. 
Gabrielle: You mow lawns! 
John: I make good money. I have 20 houses and I'm this close to getting the driving range at the country club. 
Gabrielle: I can't. 
John: Yes! You can. 
Gabrielle: I'll pay it off. 
John: If you want, but you don't have to. Mrs Solis, to take care of you, that's my dream. 
Gabrielle: Well, far be it for me-(puts the card into her purse) to stand in the way of a young man's dream. 
(Gabrielle reaches out for John and they start making out again.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT :Scavo House- Kitchen-Day] 
(Lynette is on the phone to Tom trying to arrange the errands she has to run that day.) 
Lynette:OK, Tom, I will swing by the dry cleaners after I hit the market. Um, I don't know, Porter has a dentist appointment at 4 o' clock, so the, um, car might have to wait until tomorrow. 
(As Lynette is getting her things ready to leave, we see the Tiffany lamp perfectly situated on a table in the lounge.) 
Lynette: Okay, I love you too. Bye bye. 
(Opens the door to find Mrs McClusky standing there, with a basket of fruit. She stops, shocked.) 
Mrs McClusky: Hi there. I brought you some avocados. I have a tree out back but I don't like them and your family seems like the kind that would eat guacamole. 
Lynette: Um, Mrs McClusky, thank you, that is very nice. 
Mrs McClusky: So let's make up a batch. 
(Lynette tries to put her off.) 
Lynette: Now's not a good time. I'm on my way out and I have a tonne of errands. 
Mrs McClusky: Oh, that's great, 'cos my cars on the fritz and I could hitch a ride. I need to drop by the pharmacy anyway. 
Lynette: No I can't. I'm sorry, but I have a lot of things to do. 
Mrs McClusky: Well, maybe you could take me later, or I could drop by tomorrow. 
Lynette: Mrs McClusky, I won't have any time tomorrow. 
Mrs McClusky: Oh, well, I find it interesting that you can't spend two minutes with me, but you have no trouble taking my Tiffany lamp. 
Lynette: Oh, for god's sake. 
(Lynette goes into the house and picks up the tiffany lamp,offers it back to Mrs McClusky.) 
Lynette: Here, you should take this back. I don't have a place for it. 
Mrs McClusky: But that was my gesture for saving my life. 
Lynette: Yes, and it was a beautiful gesture. Really. But I- 
Mrs McClusky: Save it, Lynette. I get the picture. 
(Mrs McClusky takes the lamp and storms off back across the street.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT :Mayer House-Stairs -Night] 
(Susan comes down the stairs yawning, wearing only a T-shirt) 
Susan: Argh! 
(She screams when she sees her mother and a strange man sat in the kitchen. Tries to pull down the T-shirt to cover herself more.) 
Sophie: Oh, Susie, this is Tim. 
Tim: Sorry, if we startled you. 
Susan: Oh uh, that's okay. I just didn't expect to see anyone up at a quarter of one. 
Sophie: Susie, you should have come out tonight. I met Tim here at the Islands Bar, and he introduced me to this crazy drink-the dirty volcano. Haha. 
Tim: Woo. 
Sophie: And we danced and then he dipped me. 
Tim: Sophie is very limber. 
Susan: Um, mom. Could I just talk to you in the family room for a minute? 
Tim: Susan is your daughter??!! 
Sophie: Yup. 
Tim: No, she can't be. No. 
Sophie: Yeah. 
Tim: No. 
Sophie: Yeah. 
Tim: No. 
Susan: Alright, we get it. She looks young. 
(Susan grabs her mother and drags her to the other room.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Mayer House-Family Room-Night] 
Sophie: Oh, the man has magic fingers. 
Susan: What are you doing? I have a teenage daughter in the house! You cannot just bring strange men you meet in bars back here in the middle of the night! 
Sophie: I'm just having a few laughs. What's the big deal? 
Susan: Look, I know you're trying to get over Morty, but this is not the way to do it.So can you please just go out there and tell him to go home? 
Sophie: You know how blue I've been. Why can't you be supportive? 
Susan: I've been plenty supportive. 
Sophie: No, you haven't, you really haven't. Now Tim is my guest and he will go home when I say so. 
Susan (defiantly): If he's not gone in five minutes, then I'm going to go out there and tell him how old you really are. 
(Sophie makes a show of yawning and stretching her arms.) 
Sophie: Tim, it's time for me to say goodnight. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Underground Garage-Empty-Night] 
Sullivan (Dirty Cop): Delfino? 
Mike: Yeah. You must be Sullivan. 
Sullivan: The file on Mellor's daughter. 
Mike: Yeah, he said you have some leads. 
Sullivan: Yeah sure, we've got some leads. 
Mike: Is there a problem? 
Sullivan: Gee, I don't know. I'm handing a confidential police report over to a killer and drug dealer. Why should that be a problem? 
Mike: Thanks. 
(Mike turns and walks away.) 
Sullivan: Is this what our justice system's come to? Guys like you walking the streets without a care in the world? 
Mike: I did my time. 
Sullivan: Not nearly enough, you piece of garbage. 
(Mike walks back to him.) 
Mike: You know, I'm glad we got to meet, because apparently I'm no longer a murder suspect thanks to you. 
(Sullivan is wearing a superior smile on his face,) 
Mike: So I don't want to seem ungrateful, but how much does it take to buy off a homicide detective these days? Thanks again. 
(Mike walks away.) 
Sullivan: Hey, Delfino. One more thing. 
(Gets out his gun and hits Mike as he turns to answer him on the head with the butt of the gun. Mike falls to the floor, hurt, where he's kicked several times by Sullivan. Mike starts to get back up, only to be hit by Sullivan's gun again.) 
Sullivan (standing over him): Now this file was misplaced, you understand? If even a word of this gets back to me, there'll be one less cop killer on the streets. You understand me? 
(Sullivan stands up and throws the heavy file down next to Mike.) 
Sullivan: And for god's sake, don't get any blood on the file. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT: Posh Restaurant -Day] 
(Gabrielle is out having a posh lunch, looking at the new shoes she just bought. She looks extremely happy with where she is. An older man is watching her and makes a toast from across the room. Gabrielle smiles back.) 
Waiter: Ma'am. I'm sorry, but your credit card has been declined. 
Gabrielle: What? Oh, no. That's impossible. It's a new card, I just went shopping with it. Try it again. 
Waiter: Ma'am I tried it three times and then I called the bank. Now may I try another card? 
Gabrielle: Of course you may. If you will just give me a moment. 
(The waiter walks away and Gabrielle pulls out her cell phone.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Intermittent shots of Gabrielle in the restaurant and John at his apartment.] 
John: Hello? 
Gabrielle: It's me. 
John: I've been trying to call you, but you turned your cell off. 
Gabrielle: Because I'm in a lovely restaurant having a lovely meal that I now can't pay for! 
John: Well, did you order already? 
Gabrielle: I ate already! 
John: Look, the credit card company called my mom. They said that there was unusual activity on my card. 
Gabrielle: I bought shoes! 
John: Well, I didn't know that. You know, and then my mom started asking all these questions and I blurted out that the card was stolen and she cancelled it. 
Gabrielle: Why would they call your parents? It's your account. 
John: They co-signed for it. Look if you just explain to the waiter? 
Gabrielle (can't quite believe the situation she finds herself in): What? That the card was cancelled by my lover's mommy? 
John: Well, what other option do you have? Unless you return the shoes and get the money back? 
Gabrielle: Return the shoes? I can't talk to you when you're being hysterical. 
(Gabrielle hangs up on him. The waiter returns.) 
Waiter: So ma'am, what would you like to do about the bill? 
Gabrielle: Uh?? 
(Gabrielle looks worried, but she suddenly gets an idea. She smiles as she looks over to the old man who was just smiling at her.) 
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[EXT:Wisteria Lane -Outside Scavo House -Day] 
(Delivery guy walks across the street to Lynette, who is outside carrying washing.) 
UPS Delivery Guy: Afternoon. I've got a package for your neighbour Karen McClusky. Could you sign for it? 
Lynette: Well, isn't she home? She usually doesn't go anywhere. 
Delivery Guy: No one answered. 
Lynette: Alright. Okay. Thank you. (takes the package) 
(Lynette walks carefully up Mrs McClusky's front steps, puts the package on her doorstep, rings the bell and runs away with the attitude of a child who's playing "knock knock danger",) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT: Posh Restaurant -Day] 
(Gabrielle and the older man are now sitting together at her table, and they are sharing a bottle of wine.) 
Gabrielle (flirting): So let me get this straight. You play tennis. You know wine. And you speak mandarin. Does every other man in the world want you dead? 
Rich Man: (laughs) I'm not that impressive. I pulled a grey hair out of my chest this morning. 
Gabrielle: Ha ha. I don't know. I'd watch your back. 
Rich Man: (looks Gabrielle up and down) You know, I've really enjoyed talking to you. You uh, well, you've made my day. I was thinking if you'd like to get together again. 
Gabrielle: Well, Sam, to tell the truth, I'm kind of in a relationship right now. I just wanted to be honest. 
(Gabrielle reaches for his hand.) 
Rich Man: That's perfectly okay, Tina. (places his other hand on top of hers) By the way, this is on me. 
Gabrielle: Oh no, you shouldn't. (fake protestations) 
Rich Man: Please. It's my pleasure. 
(He hands the bill and his card to the waiter, who looks at it unbelievingly. He makes accusing eyes at Gabrielle, who looks back at him with a mix of "what" and "say something I dare you". The waiter walks away without saying anything.) 
[INT:Van Der Kamp House-Dining Room-Night] 
(Bree and Rex are sitting the table for dinner.) 
Rex: This is going to be a disaster. 
Bree: It'll be fine. 
Bree (calls to Andrew): Andrew, honey, hurry up. Dinner's ready. 
Rex: It's like we're setting a trap for him. 
(Rex places a bottle of wine on the table.) 
Bree: It's for his own good. You'll see. 
Andrew: Smells good. What are we having? 
Bree: I'm making homemade bratwurst with sweet and sour cabbage. (goes over to Andrew and straightens his hair) It's a recipe I found in an old German cook book. 
(Doorbell rings.) 
Bree: I'll get the door. Honey, you pour the wine. 
(Rex pours himself a large glass of wine.) 
Andrew: Isn't Danielle spending the night at Wendy's. 
Rex: Oh, yes, she is. (drinks the entire glass of wine) 
Andrew: Well, then why did mom set the table for four places? 
Rex: Huh? 
Andrew: I asked who's coming for dinner. 
(Bree walks in, arm in arm with the Reverend.) 
Bree: Andrew, you remember Reverend Sykes, don't you? 
Andrew (under his breath to his dad): Oh, come on. 
Bree: Reverend, why don't you have a seat and I will get some refreshments. 
Reverend: So Andrew, it's been a long time 
Andrew (very uncomfortable): Yes, yes, it has. 
Bree: Would you like some water? I have flat or bubbly. 
Reverend: Bubbly, please. 
Reverend (to Andrew): So your mother tells me you've started having some sexual desires for other boys? 
(Andrew looks up at his mother, like he can't believe what she's doing to him.) 
Andrew (to his dad re: the wine): I don't suppose I can have some of that. 
Rex: Nope, I'm gonna need every drop, 
(Rex pours himself another large glass.) 
Reverend: And over the years we've had so many young people come to our ministry hating themselves for their unnatural desires and within a few months they've discovered an inner peace and tranquillity that is nothing short of miraculous. 
(Bree is thrilled by this, and squeezes Andrew's arm encouragingly.) 
Reverend: All it takes is a little faith and a desire to change. 
Andrew: I'm sorry but I really don't want to talk about my sex life. 
Bree: Well, that's just too bad because this needs to be discussed. 
Reverend: Bree, let the boy speak. Go on. 
Andrew: Well, I appreciate your offer to help. I do. But I don't hate myself. So I'm good. 
Reverend: Son, I know what it's like to be a teenager. It's a very confusing time. 
Andrew: I'm not confused. I know exactly who I am. 
Reverend: Well, if you ever do want to talk, my door is always open. 
(Reverend goes back to his meal, Bree is very upset that he has dropped the subject.) 
Bree: Reverend, I don't mean to criticise. But it sounds like you're giving up. 
Reverend: We can't force him on a path of righteousness, he himself must want to make the journey. 
Bree: Then what are we supposed to do? Just stand by while he starts dating boys? And by the way, the correct word is not gay, it's sodomy. 
Rex (nearly chokes on his wine ,which he's still knocking back): We're in the middle of dinner! 
Bree: So? 
Rex: So can you at least wait until dessert before you call our son a sodomite? 
(Andrew is watching the shouting like a tennis match back and fore between his parents. He seems impressed by his dad's defence of his choice, and is simply enjoying the argument.) 
Bree: How you can sit there and be so casual is beyond me? 
Rex: For example, I knew this diner was a bad idea the moment you suggested it. 
Bree: Well, at least I'm trying to be proactive. 
Reverend: Please there's no need to get upset. (he clearly doesn't want to be in the middle of a family argument.) 
Bree: I'm upset because there is a problem here and no one seems to notice it but me. 
Rex: As far as I'm concerned, if Andrew is happy with who he is, it is our job to support him. 
(Bree is disgusted at the fact that Rex is going against her decision for an intervention. She stares at him for a few moments, wondering what she should do, then she turns to Andrew.) 
Bree: Your father is into S&M. 
Rex: Bree! (drops his fork, he can't believe she just said that in front of the reverend.) 
Bree: He makes me beat him with a riding crop and I let him. It's no wonder you're perverted. Look at who your parents are. 
(Bree puts down her serviette and storms off.) 
Rex: Excuse me. (follows Bree out of the room) 
Andrew: What a fun night. You know, we should really do this again some time. 
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[EXT:Wisteria Lane - Outside Mayer House- Night] 
(Susan pulls into her driveway and her mother is there to meet her.) 
Sophie: Hey, hey, good news. I know why you've been so furious with me. 
Susan: I have not been furious with you. 
Sophie: Oh yes, you have. And I don't blame you. Men have been coming on to me left and right and I've been having so much fun and enjoying life. And what did I do, I threw it right in your face! 
(Susan goes to collect her purse from the boot of the car.) 
Susan: Mom, I don't hate you. 
Sophie: Be that as it may, from now on I'm including you in all the fun. Your mother has come through. 
(Susan pulls down the boot of the car.) 
Susan (resigned to her fate): What have you done? 
Sophie: You and I are going on a double date tonight! 
Susan: What? 
Sophie: Tim has a friend from the box factory and I thought the four of us could hang out, have some drinks and hor d' oeurves , and ... 
Susan: Forget it. 
Sophie: Susie. 
Susan: Mom, I'm sorry. I'm just not in the mood to hang out these days. 
Sophie: Susie, sweetie, please. I can't cancel now. 
Susan: Of course you can, just call them up and tell them not to come over. 
(Susan puts her bag down and sees people in the other room. It takes a second to register and when she looks back she realises it's-) 
Susan: Tim! 
Tim: Oh, hey Suse, this is my buddy Lamont. 
Lamont (very proud of herself): I brought peppermint schnapps. 
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[EXT:Wisteria Lane -Outside Scavo House] 
(Lynette is outside, getting something from her car, when she glances over the road and sees the package she dropped off earlier in the day still sitting in the same place-we can tell that she's worried about her neighbour.) 
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[INT:Scavo House -Kitchen -Night] 
(Lynette and Tom are making dinner for the hungry hoards (burritos). Lynette is grating cheese, Tom is drinking a beer. they are working as a well oiled machine, with Tom distributing the cheese and Lynette coming behind him to dole out the meat.) 
Tom: I'm sure she's fine. 
Lynette: She never leaves her mail sitting out there. I mean how many times has she thrown ours away because we didn't pick it up the minute it came. 
Tom: That would be five. 
Lynette: I don't know, Tom, I think something's happened to her. 
Tom: So go over and check on her. 
Lynette: But if I'm wrong then I'm sucked into a two-hour conversation about bunions pilkingtons. 
Tom: So don't check on her. 
Lynette: Six months from now when they find her mummified corpse at the bottom of the stairs what do I tell the kids? Oh yeah, I let Mrs McClusky die. 
Tom: Yeah, why would they care? Like they'd miss the dry cleaning coupons she hands out at Halloween! What can I say, you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. So, uh, good luck with that! 
(He shrugs and walks off.) 
Lynette (calls after him): Honey, I'm hating you a little right now. 
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[INT :Solis House -Bathroom -Night] 
(Carlos is soaking in the bathtub and watching a football game on TV.Gabrielle enters, very pleased with herself.) 
Gabrielle: Hi, honey, look at my new shoes. 
Carlos: Yeah. 
Gabrielle: Aren't they gorgeous? 
Carlos: Honey, I'm trying to watch the game. (he's distracted by the match and doesn't really hear what Gabrielle is saying.) 
Gabrielle: Sorry. 
(Carlos suddenly realises what his wife did that day.) 
Carlos: How did you buy new shoes? 
Gabrielle: Sh! We'll talk later, you're watching the game. 
Carlos: No, I want to talk about it now. 
(Gabrielle now has his complete attention.) 
Carlos: You don't have any money, so what's the story? 
Gabrielle: Oh, you've heard it all before. Girl meets boy. Boy buys girl nice things. Girl leaves happy. 
Carlos: What did you do? 
Gabrielle: You know I forgot how generous men could be. I also forgot I have options. A whole bunch of them. 
Carlos: What the hell are you talking about? 
Gabrielle: I don't need your credit cards, Carlos. And I don't need your money. But if our marriage is going to work, I need your respect. 
Carlos: I'm not ripping up the post-nup. 
Gabrielle: Yes, you are. Because if you don't, I'm going to put on my new shoes and walk out that door. 
Carlos: Are you threatening me? 
Gabrielle: No, I'm just pointing something out. I'm a pretty girl. And pretty girls are never lonely. 
(She flicks the bubbles at Carlos as she struts out of the room. Carlos is left in the bath worried about what he's going to do.) 
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[INT:Mayer House-Living Room -Night] 
(Squeals and laughter from Sophie and Tim -he's basically groping and tickling her.) 
Sophie: Stop! I'm really ticklish. 
(Unlike Tim and Sophie, Lamont and Susan are sitting quietly on separate chairs.) 
Lamont: So children's books right? 
Susan: Yeah. 
Lamont: Well, I hope you know how lucky you are. Not everyone gets to realise their bliss. 
Susan: Yeah, it can be rewarding. 
Lamont: Why don't you join me? 
Susan: No. 
Sophie: I'm really ticklish. C'on. 
Tim: What's wrong? 
Susan (finally snapping): For god's sake, Tim, she's ticklish! How many times do you have to be told? 
Sophie: Oh, (sighs at her daughter) This is so much fun. Let's find another CD. 
Susan: Mother, don't you think it's getting a little late? 
Sophie: C'on. You haven't even finished your schnapps. 
Susan: Agh! (downs the shot) The perfect capper to the perfect evening, so good night, it's been lovely. And Lamont, good luck with all your inventions. 
Sophie: Oh, it's only 11.30! I want to hit the clubs. 
Tim: I know a good place just off the interstate. C'on. 
Lamont: Warm up the old war wagon. 
Susan: Mom! Hold it! you are not getting in a car with those two, you hardly know them. 
Sophie: I have great instincts about people, I always have, sure, you know that. 
Susan: You've been married four times. 
Sophie: Yes, but twice to the same guy. 
Susan: Mother! 
Sophie: Susie, please! You're embarrassing me. 
Susan: Oh, I'm embarrassing you. 
Sophie: Yes, and I've had it. All night long I've been trying to get you to stop being so crabby, and you've refused to let me help. 
Susan: And your idea of helping is to let Tim just grope you?! 
Tim: Hey, you shouldn't talk to your mother like that, she's a fine lady. 
Susan: Tim, can you just stay out of this? 
Lamont: Yeah, mind your own business. 
Tim: Hey, what's your problem, pal? 
Lamont: Dude,you were feeling up her mother! I'd be pissed off too. C'on, Susie, let's go back inside. 
Susan: Let's go back inside?! Lamont, give it up, you're not getting any! 
Sophie: Why are you being this way? I was just trying to lighten things up. 
Susan: Will you stop acting like tonight was all about helping me? You wanted to go out and have fun and Lamont needed a date. 
Sophie: That's not true. 
Susan: Yes! It is! 
(Susan sits down on the front step.) 
Sophie: Okay, it's true. (sits beside her) I wanted to get out and have fun. Why shouldn't I? You know how depressed I've been over my break up with Morty. 
Susan: Yeah, I do and that's what makes me so crazy. The difference between you and I, that you could be heartbroken and you can just move on and I am just broken. 
Sophie: I know you're sad. 
Susan: No, mom, I'm not sad. And I'm not crabby. I'm devastated. And you keep acting like all I need is a couple of aspirin. Morty was just one guy in a series of guys for you. And Mike? He was the one. Why don't you get that? 
(Susan is hurt that her mother doesn't understand her, and goes inside, leaves her sitting outside.) 
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[INT:McClusky House-Doorway/ Living Room-Day] 
(Lynette lets herself into Mrs McClusky's House carrying the package from yesterday.) 
Lynette: Hello? It's Lynette? Hello? Mrs McClusky? Mrs McClusky, are you alright? 
Mrs McClusky: How did you get in here? 
(Lynette finds Mrs McClusky sat in her chair all alone.) 
Lynette: Uh, Mr Mullins had a spare. Why didn't you open the door? 
Mrs McClusky: Because I was hoping you'd go away. 
Lynette: Have you been taking your arthritis medication? 
Mrs McClusky (too proud to tell her she couldn't take her pills because she couldn't open the bottles): I don't need to. Sometimes the pain goes away by itself. 
Lynette (disbelieving): Uh-huh. Is that why you didn't open the door? Because of your hands? Mrs McClusky, do you have anyone who could help you out? A relative? A friend? 
Mrs McClusky: I'm fine. 
Lynette: Okay. Okay. 
Mrs McClusky (worried that Lynette will leave her alone and not help her get her pills): Before you go, open these, would you? And put out the pills? 
Lynette: Yeah. 
Mrs McClusky: And don't put your hands all over them, who knows what your kids have picked up. The last thing I need is a case of pink eye. 
Lynette: You're a piece of work, you know that? (attempts to open Mrs McClusky's pill bottles, but has difficulty) Well, this is crazy, why'd they give you childproof caps? 
Mrs McClusky: Yeah. 
Lynette: First thing tomorrow I'll take you to the pharmacy and you can get you new bottles. 
Mrs McClusky: Don't do me any favours. You don't even like me. I don't want you doing anything because you feel obligated. 
Lynette: Let me tell you something: half of life is obligations. You don't want to go to your husband's company Christmas party, but you do. You don't want to sell candy so your kids' band can play piccolos, but you do. You attend your third cousin's wedding. You pick up the dry cleaning. That's life. Its obligation. And you are now my obligation. So tomorrow morning I'll pick you up and take you to the pharmacy. 
Mrs McClusky (sarcastic): Gee, I'm touched by your outpouring of compassion. 
Lynette: We don't have to be friends. But we're two human beings living on the same piece of earth. We could at least help each other out once in a while. 
(Lynette goes to leave, but stops when she sees the Tiffany lamp on the piano.) 
Lynette: And you know what. I am going to take this. (picks up the lamp) 
Mrs McClusky: Fine. 
Lynette: I'll see you tomorrow morning. 
Mrs McClusky: Pick me up at nine. And don't be late. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Van Der Kamp House-Living Room-Night] 
(Bree is curled up on the sofa looking through a photo album. Andrew comes out of the kitchen carrying a sandwich.) 
Bree: Andrew, come here, I want you to see this. 
(Andrew starts to walk past her, but stops and sits down beside her.) 
Andrew: What are you looking at? 
Bree: Your baby pictures. Look at that one. 
Andrew: How old was I then? 
Bree: About four weeks old. I never told you this, but when I gave birth to you, there were complications. The umbilical chord wrapped around your neck and you stopped breathing. The room got very quiet, and I knew you were in trouble. So I turned to the doctor and I very calmly said that he was not to worry about me, that his job was to save your life. When I say I would die for you, that's not just an expression. I mean it. 
Andrew: Yeah, well, I'm gonna go eat my sandwich. 
Bree: Andrew, please just go and talk to Reverend Sykes. 
Andrew: Oh for god's sakes. 
Bree: Please, he can counsel you. It can help. 
Andrew: Mom, I don't need any help. I'm fine. Why do you keep going on about this? 
(Andrew gets up and walks away from his mother, who gets up and pleads with him to change his mind.) 
Bree: Because if you don't change who you are then you won't go to heaven. 
Andrew: You um, you don't think I'll go to heaven? 
Bree: No, I don't. And I need you there. I would be so lonely without you. 
Andrew: I guess I'd better go talk to Reverend Sykes. 
Bree: Oh, Andrew. Thank you. You don't know how much that means to me. 
(envelops him in a hug) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT : Delfino House-Doorway-Day] 
(Sophie is at Mike's house to try to help her daughter by telling Mike how she feels. Sophie is shocked to see Mike's black eye when he opens the door to her.) 
Sophie: Oh, my gosh. Are you okay? 
Mike: Yeah, I just uh, fell down the stairs. What's up? 
Sophie: Susan still loves you. 
Mike: Uh. Wow. Um. Okay. (He totally doesn't know how to process that information.) Look, this is not a good time for this conversation. 
Sophie: She misses you so much. 
Mike: Sophie, I just found out that someone I was very close to is dead. I really need to figure out what I'm going to do. So I don't have time to think about Susan right now. 
Sophie: She's very unhappy. If you could just- 
Mike: I really don't. I'm sorry. 
(Mike closes the door in her face. Mike goes back to the file that the policeman gave him last night. He picks up the photograph of the toy chest that Deirdre's body was found in. He runs through the list of names of people who bought the chest. He stops when he comes to the name Paul Young. Recognising the name he begins to suspect his neighbour of murder) 
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[INT :Church -Day] 
(It is Andrew's first counselling session with Reverend Sykes. The reverend swears on the bible.) 
Reverend Sykes: I swear before almighty god that I will not reveal what is said here today. Now, what's on your mind. 
(The two sit down in a pew, facing each other.) 
Andrew: Well, here's the thing. I lied to my parents. I'm not gay. 
Reverend (shocked): You're not? 
Andrew: Not really. Look, all I knew was that I wanted to get the hell out of that camp. So I told that I was really worried that I was having feelings for other guys. They did exactly what I wanted them to. They are such tools. 
Reverend: I'm sorry, just so I'm clear. Are you a heterosexual or aren't you? 
Andrew: Look, I love vanilla ice-cream, but every now and then I'm probably gonna be in the mood for chocolate. You know what I mean? 
Reverend: I do, but God would prefer you stick to the vanilla. 
Andrew: I don't believe in god. 
Reverend: You don't? 
Andrew: Nope. Sorry. 
Reverend: (Sighs) Your mother's going to be so devastated. She's been praying so hard that you will be able to change. 
Andrew: But that's the good news. I am going to change. Big time. 
Reverend: I'm afraid I don't follow. 
Andrew: You know what my mom said to me last night? She said that she doesn't think I'm going to heaven. Can you believe that? 
Reverend: I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but the only way that you can know paradise is if you repent your sins. 
Andrew: When she said that to me, suddenly it hit me how I'm going to get back at her. From now on I'm going to be so good. I'm going to eat my vegetables. 
(The Reverend smiles, glad to hear what Andrew's saying.) 
Andrew: I'm going to get good grades. 
(The Reverend nods.) 
Andrew: I'm going to say yes ma'am, no ma'am. I'm going to make her believe that god has delivered her this little miracle. Until one day I'm going to do something so awful it is going to rock her world. I mean it is really going to destroy her. And when that day comes, trust me, I'll know paradise. 
(The reverend looks utterly dumfounded at the monster that is sitting beside him and his plans to destroy his own mother. Andrew is delighted to have confided his plan to someone, and he gets up, tosses the bible that the reverend swore his oath on earlier to him and walks away, leaving the reverend shocked.) 
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[EXT:Wisteria Lane -Outside Mrs McClusky's house -Day] 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, life is a journey. One that is much better travelled with a companion by our side.Of course but that companion can be just about anyone- 
(Lynette knocks on Mrs McClusky's door, and checks her watch, worried that they'll be late.) 
Lynette: Mrs McClusky, we're going to be late for the doctor. 
(Mrs McClusky opens the door, acting as if she's right on time.) 
Mrs McClusky: I'm coming, jeez, hold your horses. 
Mary Alice Voiceover:-A neighbour on the other side of the street- 
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[INT:Solis House -Bedroom -Night] 
(Carlos enters, ripping up the post nup and throws it on the bed.) 
Carlos: There you go. No more post-nup. 
(Gabrielle says nothing, simply pulls back the bed sheets, allowing her husband into bed.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:-Or the man on the other side of the bed- 
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[EXT:Church -Day] 
Mary Alice Voiceover:The companion can be a mother with good intentions- 
(Bree shakes hands in the receiving line with the reverend.) 
Bree: Thank you for a wonderful service, reverend. 
Mary Alice Voiceover:-Or a child who is up to no good- 
(Andrew follows his mother out of the church and says quietly & conspiratorially to the reverend.) 
Andrew: Very inspirational. 
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[EXT :Wisteria Lane -Outside Mayer and Delfino Houses -Day] 
Mary Alice Voiceover:Still despite our best intentions, some of us will lose our companions along the way and our journey will become unbearable. 
(Susan exits her house, going to collect her post. Across the street, she sees Mike is doing the same. They look at each other for a second before going back to what they were doing.) 
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[EXT :Cemetery-Day] 
(Noah is slowly walking through the graveyard. He sits on a bench and stares wistfully at his photograph of a smiling and happy Deirdre.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:You see, human beings are designed for many things. But loneliness is not one of them. 
~ The End ~




DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
1X20: FEAR NO MORE
------------------------------------------------------------
Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives- 
[INT:Solis House-Day] 
(Carlos and Gabrielle talking.) 
Carlos: I want a child. 
Gabrielle: We made a deal. No kids. 
(Shots of Carlos changing Gabrielle' s birth control pills.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Tampering with prescriptions- 
[INT:Underground Garage-Night] 
(Shots of Mike meeting with the policeman to receive the file.) 
Sullivan: The file on Noah's daughter. 
(Shots of Mike looking through the file and stopping at Paul Young's name on the list of people who bought the toy chest.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Uncovering evidence- 
[INT :Young House-Living Room-Night] 
( Shots of Edie and Susan searching Paul's house. We see the video which Susan just puts into play as they are shocked by a noise at the door.) 
Edie: What are we looking for exactly? 
Susan: What was that? 
(Shots of Susan jumping behind the sofa.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Breaking and entering- 
[INT: Pharmacy -Day] 
(Rex is challenging George in the pharmacy.) 
Rex: Bree is a lady, a very beautiful, classy lady. Remember they tend to end up with doctors, not pharmacists. 
(George looks at him as if he wants to kill him. Then we see George throwing a bottle of pills in the bin.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: And a whole lot of revenge. 
End of Recap 
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[INT:Mayer House-Susan's Bedroom-Night] 
(Susan is writing in bed, she stops and looks at a photo of her and baby Julie on her bedside table.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Since she was a little girl, Susan Meyer wanted to be a mother in the worst way. 
(We fade into a series of flashbacks.) 
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[INT:Old Mayer House-Day] 
(Susan, in an old house places baby Julie on the sofa carefully.) 
Susan: You're so cute, yeah. 
(She goes to fetch a bottle from the other side of the room.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: And from the first day she brought Julie home from the hospital she was. 
(When she turns back, the baby is gone.) 
Susan: Oh! Oh! How did you get down there? That's not funny. 
(Susan picks up baby Julie from the floor.) 
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[INT :Old Mayer House-Day] 
(This is a different flashback-Susan is getting all the required baby stuff together to go out. She is incredibly flustered. She throws a towel over her shoulder, picks up her bag and leaves the house.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Despite her desire to do well by her daughter, 
(Baby Julie starts crying.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Susan suffered through countless failures. 
(Susan hears the baby crying and comes back.) 
Susan: I am so sorry. How did I forget you? 
(Susan picks up the baby and attempts to leave for the second time.) 
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[EXT : Park-the Roundabout-Day] 
(Susan is pushing young Julie on the roundabout and having a great time.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Of course it took Susan a few years to realise that even the best of parents make mistakes now and then. 
(Susan looks down to brush dirt from her dungarees. When she looks up she realises that the roundabout is going around without her daughter being on it. she rushes round to where her daughter fell off to comfort her.) 
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[INT:Mayer House-Susan's Bedroom-Night] 
(We return to the present and hears a strange noise outside.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: But now that Julie was a teenage girl, Susan had started to realise- 
(Susan gets up and goes to the window. As she looks out she sees Zach standing in her garden throwing pebbles at a window further down her house. She is not impressed with what she sees.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: There was no room for error. 
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[INT:Mayer House -Julie's Bedroom -Night] 
(Susan enters her daughter's room to find her lying in bed with a pillow over her head, trying to ignore the noise at her window.) 
Susan: Julie, what is Zach doing out there? I thought I told you not to speak to him anymore? 
Julie: I'm not! That's why he's throwing gravel at my window. 
Susan: I'm going to handle this once and for all. 
(Susan goes over to Julie's window.) 
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[EXT:Mayer House -Garden-Night] 
(Zach picks up a handful of pebbles from the garden and throws them all up at Julie's window, which is now open as Susan tells him off.) 
Susan: Zach! What do you think you are?Argh! argh! (screams as the rocks hit her in the face.) 
(Julie is shocked by her mother's screams and goes to the window. Zach is standing sheepishly in the garden and gives her a little wave.) 
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[INT :Mayer House -Living Room-Night] 
(Susan is lying on the sofa as Julie puts drops in her eyes. Zach is pacing in the background trying to apologise for his actions.) 
Zach: Mrs Meyer, I'm so sorry. It's just-well, one pebble wasn't working, so I tried a whole handful. 
Susan: Ow ow. 
Zach: Look, I'll make it up to you. 
Susan: (angry) How? Are you going to give me your corneas? 
Julie: Mom, lay back. 
Zach: I just wanted to talk to Julie, she hasn't been returning my phone calls. 
Julie: (fed up) Well, I'm here now. What do you want? 
Zach: C'on, Julie, I just want to see you again. You know, talk, hang out. 
Julie: Maybe it would be better if we just cooled it for a while, okay? 
(Susan is in the background trying to look in the mirror to see if there is any permanent damage done.) 
Zach: Why? 
Susan: (sarcastically) Well, you just threw rocks in her mother's face. How's that for a start? 
(Zach gets disheartened and leaves with his head down low. Susan has made an eye wash and puts it to her eye and tips her head back.) 
Julie: Thank you so much. I have been trying to find a way to break up with him for weeks, you finally gave me an excuse. 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, Susan had failed many times as a mother? 
Julie: You did good, mom. 
Mary Alice Voiceover:So she took her victories where she found them. 
Susan: You're welcome. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Opening Credits 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Wisteria Lane-Day] 
(Over head and establishing shots of a sunny wisteria lane, birds are chirping in the background.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Spring comes every year to wisteria lane. It's the time when flowers start to bloom. When butterflies emerge from their cocoons. When bees begin to search for nectar. 
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[EXT:Flower show-Day] 
(George smells a beautiful pink orchid and looks over his shoulder where we see Bree and Rex.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Spring is also the time when a young man's fancy turns to obsession. 
(George goes over to Bree and Rex.) 
George: Hello there. 
Bree: (shocked to see him) Oh, my heavenly days. Rex, look, it's George. 
George:It's great to see you Bree,Rex. 
Rex: George. 
George: (to Rex) So how's your health? 
Rex: Not good, and my cardiologist is an idiot. 
Bree: The doctor upped his dosage twice and it's still not helping. 
(Rex is not amused that his wife is telling the man he hates about his health.) 
George: I'm sure it will all work itself out. You know, it's funny running into you both. I happen to have extra tickets to a bonsai exposition in Mount Pleasant Friday night. Would you like to go? 
Bree: (accepts straight away) I would love to. Rex? 
Rex: A whole evening of bonsai trees?Wouldn't it be easier to just shoot me? 
George: (straight faced) Probably. 
(George laughs, Bree joins in and touches George on his shoulder. George goes to put his hand over hers and is thrilled by her touch.) 
Bree: Well, why don't we just go by ourselves then? 
Rex: Uh, actually Bree we have that thing Friday night. 
Bree: What thing? We don't have a thing. 
George: Actually, I think what your husband is trying to say is that he doesn't want you going out with me. 
Bree: Rex, are you still jealous? 
Rex: No. 
Bree: It's true that we dated during the separation, but George and I are just friends now, aren't we? 
George: Strictly platonic. But if you feel threatened? 
Rex: I don't feel threatened. (obviously lying) 
Bree: Good, then it's a date. 
(Bree links arms with both Rex and George and they walk away.) 
George: So are you going to make a purchase today? 
Bree: Do you know, I've finally convinced Rex to buy his first orchid. 
George: Make sure you study up. I hate people who own precious flowers and don't know how to take proper care of them. (obvious subtext going on here, that they're really talking about Bree.) 
Rex: You know what I hate? Weeds. They just pop up out of nowhere and you have to work so hard to get rid of them. 
George: I find that with the right chemicals you can get rid of anything. (to Bree) I'll see you Friday. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Car Shop-Day] 
(Gabrielle is lovingly running her hand over a gorgeous blue convertible.) 
Sales Assistant: Mrs Solis, what a surprise. We haven't seen you in here for quite some time. 
Gabrielle: Yes, yes, I know. My husband and I went through a downsizing phase. But we've snapped out of it. Life is good. And this would make it so much better. 
Sales Assistant: Excellent. Slip inside, see how that feels. 
(She opens the door and Gabrielle slips into the drivers side.) 
Gabrielle: Oh, I would love to have this in my driveway by Saturday. I'm having a big barbeque and I want everyone to see it. 
Sales Assistant: How exciting, what's the occasion? 
Gabrielle: I'm throwing my husband a going-away party. 
Sales Assistant: Really, where's he going? 
Gabrielle: (doesn't want to say that he's going to jail) It's-it's a sort of- a government sponsored sabbatical- 
Sales Assistant: How long is he going to be gone? 
Gabrielle: Eight months. (quietly to herself) Six with good behaviour. 
(The sales assistant hears the "six with good behaviour" part and looks a bit confused Gabrielle smiles, but suddenly her face scrunches up-the smell of the car is making her nauseous.) 
Sales Assistant: Isn't the leather interior wonderful? 
Gabrielle: It is. Its is. (she covers her nose trying to block the smel) It's just the smell is a little intense. 
Sales Assistant: That's because it was imported from Italy. It's made of 100% Italian calf. 
(Gabrielle nods and tries to smile but ultimately ends up spilling her lunch in the passenger seat. The sales assistant looks disgusted.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Car shop-Day] 
(Gabrielle is now out of the car and there is a team of cleaners in the car trying to remove the sick.) 
Gabrielle: I am so sorry, it just hit me out of nowhere. It is so weird, smells have been making me nauseous lately. 
Sales Assistant: Ribs tender? achy back? 
Gabrielle: Yeah, why has it been going around? 

Sales Assistant: Only for centuries. I went through it all when I was carrying my eldest. The truth is, (looks at the car that Gabrielle was just sick in) you're never going to fit a child safety seat in the back of that tiny spider anyway. The four doors are much roomier. 
(She heads off to show Gabrielle the alternative cars. Gabrielle doesn't follow her though.) 
Gabrielle: What? Wait? You think I'm pregnant? No, I'm not pregnant. 
Sales Assistant: Oh, you just have all the symptoms. I just assumed. 
Gabrielle: Well, you assumed wrong. 
Sales Assistant: Well, I'm sorry. 
Gabrielle: I'm on the pill for god's sakes. 
Sales Assistant: Okay .(highly uncomfortable) 
Gabrielle: And another thing, I don't want a four door. I want a sexy little convertible. And I want to buy one. Right now. 
Sales Assistant: I'll go start the paperwork. 
Gabrielle: Well, not this one. 'Cos I vomited in this one. 
Sales Assistant: (acting as if she's placating the crazy lady she's dealing with) We'll find you a fresh one. 
(Gabrielle smiles as the sales assistant walks off, but starts to look worried as the thought she could be pregnant goes around her head.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT : Peterson's - Tom's Office -Day] 
(Lynette walks into the office carrying a file. She is all smiles and nods hi to the receptionist.) 
Tom: Lynette! 
Lynette: (sees Tom working with a woman, whose back is turned to her) You forgot your Helprin file. 
(The woman turns around and Lynette is in total shock as she recognises her.) 
Annabel: Oh, my god, Lynette. 
Mary Alice Voiceover: If there was one person Lynette never expected to see again, it was Annabel Foster. (Annabel smiles at Lynette who looks as if she's about to faint from shock.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT: Peterson's -Evelator -Day] 
(The elevator pings and the doors of the elevator open to show us a couple making out, it's Tom and Annabel. They stock when they realise that the doors are open, not wanting anyone to see.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Eight years earlier, Annabel had begged Tom to marry her, but he told her he wasn't the marrying kind. 
(The elevator doors ping again and we see Annabel and Tom talking intimately in the elevator with their heads touching, they are obviously in a relationship and don't care who sees them.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Then one-day Tom happened to meet a rising young executive by the name of Lynette Linquist. 
(Lynette enters the elevator, she's wearing a suit, not like the Lynette we know now. Annabel gives Tom a last kiss and leaves the elevator. Tom and Lynette glance at each other. The doors shut.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: And after a few torrid weeks, Tom decided perhaps he was the marrying kind after all. 
(The elevator doors ping again and we see Tom and Lynette making out even more heatedly than he was with Annabel in the previous scene. Tom only stops kissing Lynette to close the doors, and they get back to kissing again.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Causing an embittered Annabel to move back to Chicago permanently. 
(The elevator doors ping again and open to an empty elevator. Annabel gets into the elevator alone, carrying a box of items from her cleared out desk. She looks MAD!) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT: Peterson's -Tom's Office-Day] 
(We flash back to the present.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Or so Lynette had hoped. 
(Lynette is still standing there shell shocked as Annabel comes over to her and gives her a hug.) 
Annabel: You look fantastic. 
Lynette: Oh, thank you. And you. You're here. In the office. Tom's office. 
Annabel: Yeah, going on three months now. Didn't Tom tell you? (She almost seems to be taunting her here.) 
Lynette: It uh, must have slipped his mind. 
(Both turn to look at Tom.) 
Tom: Huh? 
Annabel: Aaah, afraid to tell the wife you're working with the ex, eh? I guess that makes me your dirty little secret. (She's teasing him.) 
(Tom laughs with Annabel at this. Lynette can't believe what she's seeing. And when he looks at Lynette, he knows he's stuffed up and is in for it when he gets home.) 
Lynette: Well, I'll let you get back to work. I'll see you later. 
Tom: Can't wait. 
Lynette: I almost forgot, your file. Here. 
(Lynette literally throws the file at Tom's head.) 
Tom: Wow. 
(Nervous laughter by both Tom and Annabel) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Wisteria Lane-Britt Building Site-Day] 
(Edie is looking over some blueprints for her new house, with builders and Mike working in the background. Paul approaches her.) 
Edie: Hey, Paul, what's up? 
Paul: Something's been nagging at me Edie, and I wanted to talk to you about it. 
Edie: Okay. 
(Mike is watching closely the conversation between these two.) 
Paul: That night I found you in my house, why were you really there? 
Edie: You know why, I came to drop off your key. 
(Mike is faking work as he eavesdrops.) 
Paul: Some things were moved around in my living room. What were you looking for? 
Edie: (acts confused) What are you talking about? 
Paul: Do I have to call the police? 
Edie: (her face hardens) Do whatever you want. 
Paul: Suit yourself. 
(Paul walks off, but Edie worries about what to do, she doesn't want to get arrested, so she calls him back.) 
Edie: Okay, okay. Susan made me do it. 
(Mike stops faking when he hears Susan's name mentioned.) 
Edie: (Once she starts she can't stop) She has this fixation on why Mary Alice killed herself and she keeps blathering on about blackmail notes and dead babies. Oh, and she got really hot and bothered when she found the name Angela written on one of your videotapes. 
Paul: Did she find what she was looking for? 
Edie: No, you came home before she had a chance to watch the video. 
Paul: I see. 
Edie: She sort of thinks you're evil. 
Paul: Thank you, Edie. 
(Paul leaves and Mike comes up to Edie to try and find out what was happening.) 
Mike: What was that all about? 
Edie: Susan Meyer's obsession with Mary Alice nearly got me arrested. And now Paul's after her. If I liked her better I'd warn her. But, you know- 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT :Coffee Shop-Day] 
(Susan is collecting her coffee.) 
Susan: (to the woman who hands her the coffee) Thanks. 
(She sees Mike approaching outside. She gets flustered and tries to avoid him by sitting down with a group of women, whose conversation stops when she sits down. They all look at her, wondering what's going on.) 
Mike: Susan? 
(Susan knows she's caught, but still tries to fake her way out of the situation.) 
Susan: I'll talk to you girls later. 
Mike: Still avoiding me, huh? 
Susan: No, no. What do you want? 
Mike: I heard that you and Edie broke into Paul Young's house. 
Susan: Who told you that? 
Mike: Edie. 
(Susan knows she's been caught out.) 
Susan: Well, yeah, we did. We were just looking. It doesn't matter, it was dumb. 
Mike: Listen, I want you to stay away from that guy. 
Susan: Well, I was planning on doing that anyway. 
Mike: Good. (He turns to leave but Susan stops him.) 
Susan: Mike, I know why I was planning to stay away from him, but why do you want me to stay away from him? 
Mike: I just know he's a bad guy. So please don't mess with him. 
Susan: I won't (he looks at her, like "yeah right"). I promise. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Van De Kamp House-Kitchen/ Dining Room-Day] 
(Bree is making up a flower arrangement when Rex approaches her.) 
Rex: So, I've been thinking about the pharmacist. 
Bree: George. What about him? 
Rex: I don't think you should go out with him. 
Bree: Please don't be this way. He's the only friend I have who is interested in cultural things. 
Rex: Bree! I'm worried because he is obviously still in love with you. 
Bree: No. He just wants to be friends. He told me so. 
Rex: What else would a man in love say? He's desperate to spend time with you. 
Bree: He does not seem desperate to me. 
Rex: I saw the way his hands trembled when you touched his shoulder. 
Bree: They did? (She's thrilled by this news.) 
Rex: When we first started dating the same thing happened to me. 
Bree: I don't remember that. (She's pleased at his confession.) 
Rex: Listen, continuing to see him would just give him false hope. 
Bree: Well, I certainly don't want to hurt him,again. 
Rex: No, you don't. I even think it would be a good idea to switch pharmacies. 
Bree: Really? (pauses what shes doing) Well, okay. You know what I'm going to miss most about him? George always has a way of making me feel good about myself. 
Rex: Yeah, he's a terrific guy. 
(Bree walks away with the new flowers and smiles as she turns to ask Rex.) 
Bree: Honey, do your hands still tremble when they touch me? 
Rex: No! (don't be silly) But, come on, we've been married 18 years. 
Bree: Yes, we have. (Bree sighs at the answer her husband gave her.). And you still don't know when I need you to lie. 
(Bree leaves, and Rex feels bad. Rex shakes out more of his pills, to take one.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT : Pharmacy-Day] 
(Gabrielle searches through the aisles to find a pregnancy test, she's really on edge.) 
Gabrielle: Excuse me. This home pregnancy test-is it a good one? 
Ginger: (not really interested) I guess. 
Gabrielle: Okay, do you have a rest room? 
Ginger: It's for employees only. 
(George overhears the conversation and knowing that Gabrielle is a friend of Bree's is very accommodating.) 
George: It's right over there, Mrs Solis. Help yourself. 
Gabrielle: Thank you. 
George: (in a nasty voice to Ginger) What did I tell you about being rude to customers? You'll stick a smile on your face or I'll keep you in back stocking shelves where no one has to look at you. 
(Bree enters, looking for George.) 
George: (all smiles again after berating Ginger) Bree, what are you doing here? Didn't we just fill Dr Van De Kamp's prescription last week? 
Bree: George, as it turns out I won't be able to go with you to the bonsai expo. 
George: Why not? 
Bree: I think it would be a mistake for us to spend too much time together. 
George: Dr Van De Kamp said something about me. What was it? 
Bree: It doesn't matter. 
George: Please, tell me. 
Bree: He said you're still in love with me. 
George: That,that's stupid. I'm not in love with you. I'm not. The truth is, I'm in love with Ginger. (all said without a hint of feeling.) 
Bree: Ginger? The stock girl? 
George: Yes, it's very serious. 
(They both look towards Ginger, who stands there looking awkward and uncomfortable.) 
Bree: (She's very excited by this news and doesn't click that he's lying) Why didn't you tell me? 
George: Well, we're taking it slow. But she is definitely the one 
Bree: Oh my goodness, well, this changes everything. A friend of mine is having a barbeque for her husband on Saturday and I think you should come. 
George: Really? 
Bree: Yes. And bring Ginger. 
George: Ginger? I don't think she can make it. 
Bree: Well, you have to bring Ginger, because if Rex sees the two of you together, then he'll relax. 
Gabrielle (off screen): SON OF A BITCH!!! 
(Bree and George turn in shock to see Gabrielle storm out of the toilet.) 
Gabrielle: You are out of toilet paper. (to Bree) Bree I'll call you later. 
(Everyone in the store watches as hurricane Gabrielle blazes through.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT :Scavo House-Living Room-Night] 
(Tom comes home from work, calls out for his wife.) 
Tom: Lynette? Honey, are you home? 
Lynette: (from behind him, by the windows) Three months? 
Tom: God, you cared the hell out of me. 
Lynette: Were you ever going to tell me? 
Tom: I wanted to, but I kept putting it off. I knew how you'd react 
Lynette: Congratulations. You read me like a book. Why would you hire that woman? 
Tom: Technically Peterson found her. I just vouched for her. 
Lynette: Tom! 
Tom: Come on honey, I'm just helping her out. It's the least I can do, look, she was devastated when I left her for you. I felt bad. 
Lynette: Do you still have feelings for her? 
Tom: (puts his hands up) Alright, I'm not talking to you. 
(He leaves to go upstairs.) 
Lynette: C'on, you can tell me. You still care about her, don't you, just a teeny tiny little bit? 
Tom: I was just trying to be a good guy. That's all. 
Lynette: Well, you can't work with her. 
Tom: What do you want me to do? Quit? 
Lynette: Talk to Peterson, maybe he can get her transferred. Weren't you guys talking about setting something up in Belize? 
Tom: You're crazy. 
Lynette: No. I'm serious. If she stays, I will haunt your office. I will bring you lunch everyday. I will bring the kids to visit. I will change diapers on your desk. Every birthday cake in the break room, every retirement party, I will be there. Watching her. 
Tom: Well, I'd better get you a parking space. She's staying. 
(Lynette stares after him. She can't believe what Tom just said.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Mayer House-Kitchen-Day] 
(Sophie is hammering hanging beads over the doorway.) 
Sophie: Don't you think it spices up the room? 
(Susan doesn't look convinced. The doorbell goes before she has to answer her mother.) 
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[EXT:Wisteria Lane -Outside Mayer House -Day] 
(Zach is delivering a pot plant to apologise for the other night.) 
Zach: Oh, I was just leaving you a gift. To apologise for, you know, throwing gravel in your face. 
Susan: (She picks up the plan) You didn't have to do that. 
Zach: No, I kind of did. You see I want us to be friends. 
Susan: Yeah, well, that's not going to happen. 
Zach: Why not? 
Susan: Aside from you nearly blinding me. Several weeks ago you freaked out in my house: you screamed, you threw furniture around. 
Zach: Okay, look, I realise I was out of line that night. But I was upset. And we have to get over that, for Julie's sake. 
Susan: (doesn't quite understand) For Julie's sake? 
Zach: How do you think it makes her feel that her mother and her boyfriend can't even get along? 
Susan: (She says this quietly, to try and say what she has to without upsetting Zach) Zach, Julie does not think of you as her boyfriend. In fact I don't think she wants anything to do with you. 
Zach: She said that? 
Susan: Yeah. 
Zach: I don't believe you. 
Susan: (gives him back the plant) Believe whatever you want. 
(Susan turns to go back into her house. Zach is angry and goes to follow her.) 
Zach: Well, if she said that, it's because you tell her stuff about me that's not true. 
Paul (from across the street): Zach! Come here. 
(Mrs Tilman is watering plants outside and watches all the commotion.) 
Paul: Right now! 
Zach: Please. Don't ruin this for me. 
(Mrs Tilman watches Zach walk back across the street utterly dejected and we fade into a flashback.) 
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[INT:Mrs Tilman's House -Day - Past] 
(Mrs Tilman is pouring tea for her and her sister. Mrs Huber is looking at photographs on her table.) 
Mrs Huber: (off screen) How do you know Mary Alice? 
Mrs Tilman: Who? 
Mrs Huber: Mary Alice Young. She lives next door to me in Fairview. She's standing right here in this picture with you. (shows her sister the picture) 
Mrs Tilman: That's Angela Forrest, we worked together at the rehab centre fifteen years ago. 
Mrs Huber: Don't be dense, Felicia. Don't you think I even know my own neighbour? 
Mrs Tilman: (confused, but wonders) Does this Mary Alice have children? 
Mrs Huber: A teenager. A boy. 
(Mrs Huber sits down opposite her sister, and when she sees the look on Mrs Tilman's face, she pries for all the gossip.) 
Mrs Huber: What? 
Mrs Tilman: Angela and I worked together with a very disturbed young woman who gave birth to a baby boy. About a year later Angela and her husband disappeared. (Mrs Huber is hooked to the story) Not long after that, I heard that the child was missing too. People said that it was just a coincidence, but in my heart I always hoped that she had given the child a proper home. 
Mrs Huber: Are you saying she stole the baby? 
Mrs Tilman: Don't look shocked, Martha, it makes your face look fat. (Now we know why Mrs Huber acts as she does with a relationship with her sister like this.) 
Mrs Tilman: The biological mother was a drug addict! If Angela really is your neighbour, which I doubt, then that child was very lucky. 
(fade back to present) 
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[EXT - Wisteria Lane -Mrs Tilman's House -Day] 
(Tilman continues to watch Zach walk back across the street to his father.) 
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[INT : Peterson's -Break Room-Day] 
(Annabel pours herself a cup of tea.) 
Annabel: Lynette, hey. 
(Lynette is all dolled up in a dress, her hair done, make-up etc.) 
Annabel: If you're looking for Tom, he's out with a client. 
Lynette: No, I wanted to see you. 
Annabel: You know that's really funny. I was thinking the same thing. We should go out for lunch, the two of us. 
Lynette: (sarcastic) Yeah, I'll check my book. So Annabel, do you have feelings for Tom? 
Annabel: (taken aback) What? 
Lynette: You heard me. 
Annabel: Alright, you want to talk about this, Lynette, let's talk. Yes, Tom and I were in love. But he married you. I'm not looking to break up a happy couple. Anyway that's more your speed, isn't it? (She really isn't over the way she and Tom broke up.) 
Worker: (Oblivious to the tension in the room as the two ladies stare at each other) Morning ladies, just coming in for a little more fuel. One man's sludge is another man's liquid gold. Well, back to the trenches. 
Lynette: Watch your step. Tom and I are a team. Our marriage is rock solid. Nothing you ever do will break us up. 
Annabel: Then why are you down here warning me? 
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[EXT :Church -Day] 
Reverend: Gabrielle! What brings you down here? 
(Gabrielle looks sheepish.) 
Reverend: Oh, sweet mother of god, what have you done this time? 
(They walk, outside the church.) 
Reverend: You're pregnant? 
Gabrielle: Yes. And its impossible, I'm on the pill-which you probably think is a sin, but it works. It's a 99.9% effective sin. 
Reverend: Maybe it's in that one tenth of a percent that god resides. 
Gabrielle: You couldn't wait to throw that in, could you? Look, god is screwing with me! He doesn't like the way I live my life, so he's punishing me. 
Reverend: Have you done something that would warrant being punished? 
(Gabrielle gives the reverend a look that comes across as "Yeah, the same old stuff".) 
Reverend: The gardener? I thought that was over. 

Gabrielle: No, it was-You just had to be there. But, my point is, that I'll be an awful mother. I'm selfish and I'm self-centred. And the only person more self-centred than me is Carlos! I mean, he's so self-centred that he doesn't even know how self-centred I am! We'd be terrible parents! 
Reverend: Gabrielle, I'd like to help, but I'm not sure what you want. 
Gabrielle: I want to know who to be angry at. 
Reverend: Here's a thought.Don't be angry. Be thankful. Children are a gift, are they not? 
(Gabrielle throws him a look of "yeah right"!!!) 
Gabrielle: I don't have time for this crap. I have a party to plan. 
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[EXT :Wisteria Lane-Britt Building Site-Day] 
(Edie is talking with two of her workmen.) 
Edie (to workmen as they leave): Thanks. 
Lynette: Edie, hi. 
Edie: Hi. 
Lynette: Wow, things are really coming along. 
Edie: Yeah, slowly and expensively. 
Lynette: It'll be worth it. You're doing an amazing job. 
(Lynette runs out of small talk and cuts to the chase.) 
Lynette: Look, you're basically a predator and I need your advice. 
(Edie looks intrigued.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Wisteria Lane -Britt Building Site-Day] 
(Lynette and Edie are sitting down having a heart to heart about Lynette's problems.) 
Lynette: And I know Tom loves me, but I don't trust this woman. I think there's an agenda there. I don't know, maybe I'm being paranoid. 
Edie: No, no. You did the right thing by coming to me. There are two ways to approach this. Well, first I have to ask, what kind of shape is this woman in? 
Lynette: Fantastic shape. She's gorgeous. 
Edie: Okay, now there's really only one way to approach this. You're going to have to act fast. 
Lynette: I'm listening. 
Edie: Well, it's really pretty simple. When I feel threatened by a woman, I pull her in. I make her my best friend. 
Lynette: I thought you said you didn't have any female friends? 
Edie: Well, I don't. And I've never felt threatened by another woman either. The point is, keep your friends close- 
Lynette:-and your enemies closer. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Scavo House -Living Room-Day] 
(Tom is sitting on the sofa playing with the baby and looking really happy. Lynette comes home after her conversation with Edie.) 
Lynette: Tom, we're having a dinner party. I'm thinking of inviting Annabel. (She nods. Glad she's decided how she is going to deal with the Annabel problem) 
(He looks after, totally shocked.) 
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[INT:Young House -Bathroom -Day] 
(Zach splashes water on his face as he argues with his dad.) 
Zach: We're not moving! 
Paul: Susan knows something. Edie said- 
Zach: I don't care what Edie Britt said! I'm not leaving Julie. 
Paul: You want to risk our lives, our future, over some school yard crush? 
Zach: It's more than that, Julie loves me. 
Paul: Then why does she refuse to see you? 
Zach: Mrs Mayer lies to her. If it wasn't for that she would be with me. 
Paul: Are you sure? You know Julie's a very special girl. 
Zach: I know. 
Paul: And she could have just about any boy she wanted. I think you're a wonderful kid, I really do, but you're not that special, Zach. Not really. 
Zach: She kissed me. 
Paul: Lately? 
(Zach looks down, knowing his argument for staying is falling apart.) 
Paul: Let's just pack our bags and get out of here. We can leave this whole mess behind, we can start over. And there will be other girls, I promise. 
Zach: No. 
Paul: (Grabs Zach by the arm, forcing him to stay and listen to him) If Susan goes to the police, they will take me away, they will take you away. Don't you get that? 
Zach: If Julie doesn't love me anymore, it doesn't matter. (Paul lets go of him) None of it matters. 
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[INT:Scavo House -Kitchen -Night] 
(Laughter and familiar conversation,we're at the end of Lynette's dinner party.) 
Annabel: McGruger had absolutely no idea what was going on. During the entire ship for the Phaser campaign, he was practically holding Benson's hand. 
Tom: After the way that Bernam screwed him over, I'd be nervous too,my god. 
Annabel: That was awful. 
(Annabel reaches out for Tom's hand. We see Lynette over their joined hands -she does not look impressed by what is going on.) 
Lynette: Excuse me. I need to get in here,so I can clear the plates. 
Tom: You want some help with that? 
Lynette: I'm good. (She picks up the plates, and as she turns she sees the boys watching them.) Looks like we're got some company. 
(Shot of the three boys sitting on the stairs in their pyjamas, watching their parents.) 
Tom: Hey, guys, isn't it time for bed? 
Lynette: They never get to see you, let them stay up for a while. 
Tom: Okay. C'ere. C'ere I want you to meet someone. This is Miss Foster. 
Annabel: Hi. 
Lynette: She is an old, OLD friend of your daddy's. 
Annabel: What have you got there? 
Porter (wondering,'cos I can never get the boy's name straight): It's a picture we painted. 
Annabel: Let me have a look at that. 
Porter: It's a picture of all of us with mommy and daddy, we're really happy. (This sounds very rehearsed.) 
Annabel: That is so adorable. When did you do that? 
Porter: Today, mommy told us to. 
Lynette (Nervous laughter): I just told them to paint something nice, the sentiment is all theirs. 
Porter: But you told us too- 
Lynette: Hold on, honey, grown ups are talking. 
Annabel: Well, this is really neat. How would you guys like to paint my portrait some day? 
Porter: Sure, you're really pretty. 
Lynette (Isn't amused by this, and realises this isn't working): Okay, great. Like your dad said, it's time for bed. 
(Tom playfully chases the boys upstairs.) 
Annabel: I must say, Lynette, your home is warm and inviting, your children are absolutely precious. This whole evening was practically a commercial for the perfect family. 
Lynette: You think? 
Annabel: You couldn't have planned it any better. And I mean that. (looks very smug) 
Lynette: Good. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT :Wisteria Lane -Outside Mayer House -Night] 
(It's pitch black, and Susan is putting rubbish in the bin. As she puts the lid down, we see Paul just standing there very close to Susan, silently watching her.) 
Susan: Uh! (she's startled.) 
Paul: Hello Susan. 
Susan: Paul, hi. 
(Susan looks around, desperately searching for someone, so that she won't be alone with the man who scares her.) 
Paul: I understand you and Edie went snooping through my house. 
Susan: Huh? (acts dumb) 
Paul: It's okay, I'm not mad. So what do you want to know about Angela? 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Young House -Living Room -Night] 
(Susan is sitting at the table, as Paul brings over two cups of coffee.) 
Paul: Angela was Mary Alice's birth name, she was named after her aunt Angela. When she was a teenager, they had a falling out, so she changed her name to Mary Alice. This was before we were married, so sorry if I'm hazy on the details. 
Susan: That's it? That's the explanation? (not quite believing what she's hearing) 
Paul: Ridiculously simple, isn't it? 
Susan: She changed her name because of her aunt? That just doesn't seem like something Mary Alice would do. 
Paul: Neither does suicide, but we both know she did it. So can we finally put this behind us, or do you need to break into my home for anything else? 
Susan: No. I'm good, thanks. 
(gets up to leave) 
Susan: Although if you wouldn't mind, I'm really like to see that video tape I found, the one marked "Angela". It'd be nice to see Mary Alice when she was young. 
Paul: I'm afraid that box of tapes was thrown out with the trash. 
Susan: (knows she's caught him out) Alright then. 
Paul: Susan, I'm serious when I say I hope you'll leave my family alone now. This endless suspicion of yours is becoming very tiring. 
Susan: I couldn't agree more. 
(Paul closes the door behind Susan, not sure whether he's done more harm than good.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Scavo House -Living Room -Night] 
(The Scavos and Annabel are having coffee after dinner, when a cell phone starts ringing.) 
Annabel: That's my cell, sorry. Oh god, it's Peterson. 
Tom: Peterson? 
(Annabel leaves the room to take the call in private.) 
Tom (to Lynette): So that was quite a show you put on tonight. 
Lynette: Show? 
Tom: The boys' paintings, all those references to how Happy we are. 
Lynette: What's wrong with subtly reminding Annabel that you're happily married? 
Tom: Because it wasn't subtle. And it was insulting to me. 
Lynette: I did not mean it that way. 
Tom: Are you so insecure that you have to pull that crap? 
Lynette: Keep your voice down! 
Tom: It doesn't matter if she has feelings for me, as long as I am not interested. Have I ever given you any reason to doubt me? 
Lynette: Anyone is capable of anything. The first time we ever met, you were cheating! 
Tom: With you! Cheating with YOU! 
Lynette: It's a pattern of behaviour. 
Tom: Argh! Give me a break! 
Lynette: Well, what am I supposed to do? You hire your old girlfriend and you don't tell me for three months? 
Tom: I could have told you from day one and you would still be jumping down my throat. 
(Lynette goes to defend her actions.) 
Tom: No, Annabel is ancient history. 
Lynette: She's in the next room. 
Tom: How long do we have to be married, Lynette? How long until you actually trust me? 
Lynette: I trust you. 
Tom: How many times have you said to me that "if you so much as touch another woman, I will take the boys and I will walk out of here and you will never see us again"? 
Lynette: (in a "don't be silly" voice) Well, that's just something that wives say to their husbands. 
Tom: Not all wives. God, Lynette, you're just so convinced that I'm going to be unfaithful, it makes me sick. The distrust, the paranoia-it seems that you're not going to be happy until you drive me out of this marriage just to prove yourself right! 
(Lynette looks shocked and Tom realises what he said.) 
Tom: Wait, forget I said that. 
Lynette: It's too late. You said it. 
Tom: Well, then just consider it something that husbands say to their wives. 
(The two of them just stand there as Annabel returns from her telephone conversation.) 
Annabel: Well, Peterson's on cloud nine, he discovered some inside scoop on the metro account. The bad news is, we're going to have to redo the entire presentation. 
Tom: Tonight? 
Annabel: We need it first thing in the morning. Peterson says we might be pulling an all-nighter. 
Tom: I can't drive, I've been drinking. 
Annabel: I'll drive. C'on. 
Tom: Thanks. 
Annabel: Don't worry Lynette, I'll deliver him back to you as soon as I can. 
Lynette: Please do. (But she doesn't look as if she's quite convinced this is what she wants.) 
(Tom and Annabel leave.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Solis' Garden -Day] 
(Party noise -the garden is very bright & colourful and the barbeque is in full swing.) 
Carlos: Honey, take over for a minute, I just want to make a speech. Make sure they stay pink like that. 
(Gabrielle takes over flipping burgers at the grill. The smell is making her nauseous again and she covers her nose.) 
Susan: Are you okay? 
Gabrielle: Yeah, I just didn't realise how disgusting meat could be. 
Carlos: Everyone, I just wanted to say that it means a lot to me that everyone came. As you all know, in a few days I'll be taking a little government sponsored vacation. Luckily for me, breakfast is included. 
Julie: (Julie sees Paul and Zach entering the party) Oh god. 
(The two families see each other and smile awkwardly.) 
Carlos: The bottom line is...I'm going away to jail. And when a man goes away to jail, which I hope none of you here will ever have to do, he sees who his friends really are. So thanks. 
Crowd: Cheers. here, here. (Everyone raises their glasses to the toast.) 
(Gabrielle feels sick again, covers her mouth and runs away from the BBQ. She runs past Sophie, grabbing the bottle of champagne she was holding and into the house.) 
Sophie: Excuse you. 
(George and Ginger enter the party.) 
(George is being really mean to Ginger.) 
George: Stay put until I need you. Don't talk to anybody and for god's sake, don't get drunk. 
Ginger: You know, I was meant to go to my cousin's wedding today. 
George: It's not a wedding, it's a commitment ceremony. Now sit down and-try to fit in. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Solis' House -Bathroom-Day] 
(Gabrielle in the bathroom upstairs. She pushes closed the window and switches on the extractor fan. She is feeling really sick and leans over the sick.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Solis' House-Party-Day] 
(Zach doesn't seem to have heard anything that Julie or Susan has been telling him at this point. he's still acting like he and Julie are going out.) 
Zach: I brought you a hot dog. 
Julie: No thanks, I'm full. 
Zach: There's a croquet set, you want to go hit some balls? 
(makes a motion of hitting a croquet ball and a clucking noise) 
Julie: No. 
Zach: That's fine. We can just sit here 
Julie: (finally gets mad at his stalker) Zach, I don't want to be your girlfriend. I don't want to hang out with you. I just want you to leave me alone. Okay? 
Zach: Okay. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT :Solis' House-Bathroom -Day] 
(Gabrielle pours herself a drink from the bottle she brought with her. Looks at it, dying to drink it, but resigned to her fate pours it into the sink. She takes her birth control pills out of a drawer and looks at them, she's mad at them for not working and starts banging at them with her hand. As she does this, the back of the pill packed starts to come off all in one piece. She sees this and picks them up for a closer inspection. She figures out that it means that somebody had been messing with her pills.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: In that moment, while looking at the pills that had so obviously been tampered with, Gabrielle's nausea was suddenly replaced by an even stronger sensation. Rage. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Solis' House-Garden-Day] 
(Zach pours himself a glass of punch and watches Julie talking with some friends and hugging hello to a male friend. He looks sad.) 
(George is walking around the party looking for Bree. They spot each other. Bree is glad that George came and George's face lights up at seeing her.) 
(Rex sees George and grabs his arm, stopping him. George's drink splashes across Rex's T-shirt.) 
Rex: What are you doing? 
George: I'm so sorry, that was an accident. 
Rex: Answer my question. What are you doing here? 
George: I was invited. 
Rex: By who? 
George: You know what, Dr Van De Kamp, I don't believe I have to answer to you. 
Rex: See, I think you do. 
(Bree approaches them, sees the drink on Rex's shirt and seeks an explanation.) 
Bree: What is going on here? 
Rex: He crashed the party. This guy is clearly not taking no for an answer. 
Bree: It's okay. George has a girlfriend. You brought her, didn't you? 
Rex: You do not have a girlfriend. 
George: I do so, she's right over there. 
(He points to Ginger, who is standing at the buffet table, stuffing her face and looking completely out of place. She waves nervously at the people looking at her.) 
Rex: (disbelieving) That's his girlfriend?! 
Bree: See? You were worried for nothing. 
George: So anytime you want to apologise? 
Bree: Come on, Rex, you owe George some sort of a gesture. 
(Bree is talking to George, apologising for Rex's behaviour.) 
(Rex can't believe what he's hearing and that Bree is falling for what George tells her. he starts to walk away but turns back.) 
Rex: What the hell? 
(Rex pushes George backwards. George stumbles and grabs hold of Bree to steady himself. They both tumble into the pool behind them.) 
(Shots of Ginger laughing, and everyone at the party looking to see what all the commotion is. Rex looks pretty amused by it all too.) 
(Bree and George surface in the pool.) 
Bree: Rex, have you lost your mind? 
Rex: To be fair, I only pushed him. 
(Cut to Gabrielle rushing out of the house. She marches up to Carlos, waving the tampered with pills in his face.) 
Gabrielle: Carlos, you son of a bitch! I am pregnant and it's all your fault! 
(Gabrielle slaps him across the face. Carlos looks incredibly shocked at first. But once she leaves, he smiles and takes a sip of his margarita.) 
Edie: Wow, this is turning into one helluva party. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Wisteria Lane-Outside Solis House-Day] 
(Gabrielle is sitting outside looking worried. Susan come out of the party to check on her friend.) 
Susan: Are you okay? 
Gabrielle: I think I can honestly say, no, I'm not. 
Susan: I'm so sorry. 
Gabrielle: Thanks. 
Susan: But you know what they say about kids:that you can't imagine having them until you do and then you can't imagine life without them? It's true. 
(Susan gets up to comfort her friend.) 
Susan: All I'm saying is that maybe this is a blessing in disguise. 
Gabrielle: I don't know who the father is. 
Susan: What? 
Gabrielle: Yeah. 
Susan: So you mean you and John have still been? 
Gabrielle: Yeah. 
Susan: Gabby! 
Gabrielle: No, I know, Susan. I don't know what I'm going to do. 
(Susan's house explodes, with flames shooting out from the kitchen window.) 
Susan: OH MY GOD. Oh my god, that's my house! 
Gabrielle: I'll call 911. 
Susan(in hysterics): Yes! That's my house! 
(Susan runs across the street towards her house. She can't believe what she's seeing.) 
Susan: Oh oh oh, my, look! my kitchen! Oh, it's a big fire! 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Mayer's House-Burned Out Kitchen-Day] 
(The three generations of women living in the house come into the kitchen and are shocked by the destruction in the kitchen.) 
Fireman: It turns out someone left the gas on with a candle burning. 
Susan: That's not possible, we don't burn candles during the day. 
Sophie: Well, I did have a French vanilla candle burning earlier. But I'm almost positive I blew it out. 
(Susan looks at her condemningly.) 
Fireman: You're almost positive? 
(Sophie thinks hard about whether or not she blew the candle out. And mimes blowing out a candle.) 
Sophie: Yes! Yes I did. I think. 
Fireman: Look, you're lucky the fire was contained. The damage could have been far more extensive. 
(Susan looks away from the Fireman and surveys the damage. She looks out the window. She sees Paul standing on his porch across the street staring at their house. He catches her eye and goes inside.) 
Fireman: You've got to be more careful. 
(Susan looks really scared as she thinks that Paul set the "bomb" in her house.) 
Susan: (turns to the fireman) Don't worry, we will be. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT: Pharmacy- Day] 
(George is sorting through the medication when he turns and sees Bree approaching him.) 
George: Bree, Hi. 
Bree: Hi. You left the party so quickly I didn't have the chance to apologise to you for what Rex did. Oh, George, I'm so sorry he humiliated you in front of all those people. I don't know what got into him. 
George: Isn't it obvious? He hates me. 
Bree: No, he doesn't hate you. He hardly knows you, and you don't even really know him. 
George: Well, I know this much, he's not going to let us be friends. 
Bree: Well, that's not his choice to make. 
George: What if he asks you not to see me anymore? What if he orders you not to? 
Bree: Well, I decide who I need in my life, and I've decided that I need you. And that's all there is to it. 
George: He could make it awfully difficult for you to spend time with me. 
Bree (conspiratorially):Well, who says he has to know how I spend my free time? 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Mayer's House-Susan's drawing board-Day] 
(Susan is sitting at her easel, not drawing but thinking. She reaches for the yellow pages and flicks through it until she reaches private investigators. She stops at Hafts Detective Agency. She makes up her mind, rips the page out of the book and leaves the house.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT - Hafts Detective Agency-Day] 
(Susan is sitting in the detective agency, meeting with the PI that Paul Young has hired in the past.) 
Susan (voice over into next scene): I'm having trouble with the family across the street. I think one of them may have set a fire in my house, and I don't know why, but I feel like it might have something to do with my friend who killed herself. I called the police, but they didn't take me seriously. This family has a secret, a bad secret. I think I'm in over my head. I need you to find out everything you can about Paul Young and his family. Do you think you can help me? 
PI: As a matter of fact, I know I can. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Wisteria Lane -Day] 
(We see establishing shots of the street, a man walking his dog and we zoom in on a flower bed.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, Spring comes every year to Wisteria Lane. But not everyone remembers to stop and smell the flowers. 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Some are too worried about the future- 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT :Wisteria Lane-Outside Scavo's House -Day] 
(Shots of Lynette sitting outside her house, holding the baby as Tom comes out in a suit and heads off to work. He drops a kiss on her head, but walks off pretty quickly. Lynette looks after him worriedly.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:-Or mistakes they've made in the past- 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT :Wisteria Lane-Outside Solis' House-Day] 
(shots of Gabrielle sitting outside her house reading a magazine. She puts the magazine down and places a hand over her belly, thinking about the baby inside.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Others are preoccupied with not getting caught- 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Wisteria Lane-Outside Van De Kamp' House-Day] 
(Shots of George waiting for Bree, who approaches him, looks around to check she's not being followed then links arms with him and walks off.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:-Or thinking of ways to catch someone else. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Wisteria Lane-Outside Mayer' House-Day] 
(Shots of a builder bringing a window to fix Susan's broken ones) 
Susan: (excited) Window. 
(She lets him into her house and as she goes to close the door behind her she sees Paul Young in his garden across the street looking at her. She hesitates, then closes the door.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:Still there will always be a few who remember to take a moment and appreciate what spring has given them. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Wisteria Lane-Mrs Tilman's Garden -Day] 
(shots of Mrs Tilman planting flowers among her garden gnomes and enjoying herself.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:Just as there will always be those who prefer to sit in the dark, brooding over everything they have lost. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Young House-Zach's Bedroom -Day] 
(Whilst it is day, Zach's bedroom is very dark. He's lying on his bed sulking and playing with a lighter, letting it burn. He's staring very intently (without blinking) at his bedroom chest of drawers, which contains a series of photos of Julie (school photos and a series of blown up snaps where she didn't know she was being watched) and a candle: a sort of shrine to Julie.) 
~ The End ~




DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
1X21: SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH GEORGE
------------------------------------------------------------
Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives-
[INT:Mayer House-Kitchen-Day] 
(Sophie and Susan are making dinner.) 
Sophie: I left Morty. 
(Susan turns around shocked at what her mother said.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Susan's mother left quite an impression. 
[EXT :Car Park of Morty's Restaurant-Day] 
(Susan turns around to look out the restaurant window at her mother and Morty's attempt at reconciliation-where Sophie ends up biting him on the arm.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Bree made a secret commitment. 
[INT : Pharmacy-Day] 
George: He's not going to let us be friends. 
Bree: Who says he has to know how I spend my free time? 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Gabrielle made a discovery. 
[INT:Solis House -Bathroom - Day] 
(Gabrielle hits her birth control pills and finds they've been tampered with.) 
[EXT:Solis House -Garden -Day] 
(Gabrielle walks up to Carlos and slaps him across the face.) 
Gabrielle: I am pregnant and it is all your fault. 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Tom made a mistake. 
[INT: Peterson's -Tom's Office-Day] 
(Tom is in the very awkward situation of having his jealous wife watching him with his playful ex-girlfriend.) 
[INT:Scavo House-Kitchen-Night] 
Lynette: You hired your old girlfriend and you didn't tell me for three months? 
Mary Alice Voiceover: And Susan made an appointment. 
[INT:Mayer House-Drawing Board-Day] 
(Susan flicks through the Yellow Pages.) 
[INT:Hafts Detective Agency -Day] 
Susan: Do you think you can help me? 
PI: As a matter of fact, I know I can. 
End of Recap 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Mayer House-Sophie's Bedroom-Night] 
(Sophie is sat cross legged on a chair in her bedroom thinking about the past. She's looking at her old engagement rings which are kept in a box and she looks very sad.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: When she was younger, Sophie Bremner was a hopeless romantic. She was also hopelessly na�ve, which was how she came to be married four times. 
[INT:Casino-Night] 
(A smartly dressed man slides an engagement ring across the table to a young Sophie with long straight hair who has her back to us.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: The first time to a man who liked to gamble. 
[INT:Bar -Night] 
(A man dressed in a tacky blue suit slides an engagement ring across the bar to a young Sophie with short curly hair, and then takes a drink.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: The second time to a man who liked to drink. 
[INT:Restaurant -Night] 
(A man with long blond hair and a moustache, dressed in a bright shirt open to the chest which reveals a gold medallion slides an engagement ring across the table to a young Sophie with very short hair and gives her a huge smile.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: The third time to a man who liked other men. 
[INT:Bar-Night] 
(Ex-husband number 2 slides an engagement ring across the bar to a young Sophie with long curly hair, and then takes a drink.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: And the fourth time to the same man she married the second time. 
[INT:Mayer House-Sophie's Bedroom-Night] 
(Sophie sadly touches her collection of engagement rings.) 

Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, Sophie was tired of having her heart broken. So she decided she would never get married again. 
(Sophie closes the lid on the box of rings.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: And then one night-
Morty: (offscreen) Sophie! 
Mary Alice Voiceover: -she had visitor. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Wisteria Lane-Outside Mayer House-Night] 
(Morty is standing in the Mayer Garden shouting at the house.) 
Morty: Sophie! 
[INT:Mayer House-Sophie's Bedroom -Night] 
(Sophie goes to the window to see whats going on.) 
[EXT:Wisteria Lane-Outside Mayer House -Night] 
(Susan opens the door, confused by whats happening.) 
Susan: Morty? What are you doing? 
Morty: I need to talk to Sophie.. 
Susan: NOW? Are you drunk? 
Morty: Just a little bit. 
(Susan ushers Morty inside.) 
Morty: How are you? 
[INT:Mayer House -Sophie's Bedroom -Night] 
(Sophie is still at the window. She bites her lip wondering what's going on. We see her creep downstairs to listen in on the conversation.) 
[INT:Mayer House-Living Room-Night] 
Morty: I've got to speak to Sophie. 
Susan: Are you crazy? It's one o'clock in the morning. She's sleeping. 
Morty:I'm gonna ask her to marry me. 
Susan: What? 
Morty: I thought I could be happy. The restaurant is starting to make money. I just bought a new jet ski. My cholesterol is down. But none of it is any fun without her.
(Shots of Sophie listening at the door, her face lights up at what he says.) 
Susan: Ah, Morty. I just don't think it's going to happen. She's moved on. Why don't you sit down, I'll call you a cab. 
(Sophie enters into the room.) 
Morty: Sophie. 
Sophie: (quietly reprimanding him) Your doctor told you not to drink. 
Morty: Well, there are times when you need liquid courage. 
(Morty hands her the engagement ring. Sophie gushes over it, then recognises it and her face falls.) 
Sophie: Did this ring belong to Delores? 
Susan: You gave her your dead wife's ring? 
Morty: (to Susan) It's a three carat diamond. She shouldn't care if it's used. 
Morty: (to Sophie) So what do you say, Soph? 
Sophie: Alright. 
Morty: (excited) Really?! 
Susan: (can't believe it) Really???!!!! 
Sophie: Yeah. 
(Morty goes to hug Sophie, but she stops him.) 
Sophie: (whispers) But you've got to do it officially,you know. 
(Sophie points down, so that he'll get down on one knee.) 
Morty: Oh! Oh, um. 
(Morty looks to Susan for help-he's getting on a bit and needs help getting down on one knee - Susan provides a cushion for his knee and something to lean on as he goes down.) 
Morty: Sophie, will you do me the honour of marrying me? 
(All through this Sophie is smiling down at him.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Sophie Bremner was still a hopeless romantic- 
Sophie: On one condition. Tomorrow we trade this in for a ring of my own and I want a bigger diamond than Delores got. 
(Morty looks at Susan behind him-thinking what have I let myself in for. Susan just smiles back at him.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: -but she was no longer na�ve. 
(While the happy couple gaze happily at each other, Susan has a look on her face that shows she clearly thinks they are crazy.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Opening Credits 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(shots of the various couple's wedding photos) 
[Paul and Mary Alice Young's wedding photo] 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Marriage is a simple concept. 
[Bree and Rex VAN DE KAMP's wedding photo] 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Basically it is a contract between two people-
[Lynette and Tom Scavo's wedding photo] 
Mary Alice Voiceover: -That binds them together for life- 
[Gabrielle and Carlos Solis' wedding photo] 
Mary Alice Voiceover: -In the hopes that they can live happily ever after. 
[INT:Solis House-Living Room-Day] 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Sadly some contracts- 
(The shot pans out and we see a plate smash against the wall, and Carlos ducks from the shards.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:-are meant to be broken. 
(We see Gabrielle getting ready to hurl another plate in Carlos' direction.) 
Carlos: I didn't mess with your birth control. 
Gabrielle: Oh, really?! 
Carlos: Really! 
(Gabrielle puts the plate down and shows Carlos the tampered with pill packet.) 
Gabrielle: Look! It's been pulled apart and glued back together. 
Carlos: It's probably a manufacturing defect. 
Gabrielle: You can still see the glue marks! 
Carlos: I'm telling you I didn't do it. 
Gabrielle: Don't insult me, Carlos! You've been whining about wanting a baby for months. Who else could it have been? 
Carlos: Oh?I?(has a brainwave and sees a way to get out of the bad situation) Oh, No. 
Gabrielle: What? 
Carlos: Mama! 
Gabrielle: Oh, please! 
Carlos: It's possible. You buy that stuff in bulk, six months at a time, right? 
Gabrielle: Yeah, so? 
Carlos: Before the accident I told her how much I wanted a child. And she said that she would take care of it. I just thought that she would talk to you. Baby, I am so sorry. 
(cue dramatic music while we pause for a second -will Gabrielle buy his excuse or not?) 
Gabrielle: That Bitch! I can't believe her! 
Carlos: I loved her, but even I had issues sometimes. She could be very controlling. 
Gabrielle: Reaching out from the grave to screw with me. God, she's good. 
Carlos: Where are you going? 
Gabrielle: I feel a wave of morning sickness coming on and I want to be standing on your mother's grave when it hits. 
(Gabrielle puts on her sunglasses and walks out of the house. Carlos sighs with relief and falls backwards on to the sofa.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Scavo House-Kitchen-Day] 
(Lynette is feeding the baby and is looking completely bedraggled. Tom is fusing about getting ready for work.) 
Tom: Honey, I'm going to be late home tonight. Peterson wants to take a bunch of us out for drinks. 
Lynette: Oh, that's fine. I wanted to talk to you about something. 
Tom: What? 
(Car honks outside.) 
Lynette: That's your car pool. You've got to go, never mind. 
Tom: Lynette, what is it? 
Lynette: It's nothing. 
Tom: Okay. 
Lynette: It's just- 
(Tom is about to escape without the talk but stays.) 
Lynette: We haven't had sex in ten days. And the longest we've ever gone before is nine. 
(Car honks impatiently outside.) 
Tom: Are you sure? (glances at the door) Didn't we do it last Thursday? 
Lynette: We started to but then *huh* you fell asleep. 
Tom: Is this why you're so worried? 'Cos we can do it tonight if you want to. 
Lynette: Whatever. 
Tom: No. I've got ten days pent up in me. We are doing it tonight. You've got nothing to worry about. 
(goes to leave) 
Tom: Oh, crap. You know what, I forgot my briefcase. Can you tell them I'll be right there?
(sorry but Lynette is totally deluded if she's referring to his ex-girlfriend as the car pool.) 
Annabel: Hi, Lynette, is Tom nearly ready? 
Lynette: Yeah, he's just getting his briefcase. 
(Annabel's phone beeps, she stands aside looking totally cool in her gorgeous suit, cleavage showing top and perfect hair as she checks her message, while Lynette stands at the door feeling frumpy.) 
Tom: Bye. 
Lynette: Bye. 
Annabel: Bye. (to Lynette as she breezes out the door with her husband.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Wisteria Lane -Mayer Drive -Day] 
(Sophie stands by the car staring at her engagement ring, while Morty is piled up with boxes packing up Sophie's stuff into the car.) 
Morty: I got it. I got it. 
Sophie: (to her daughter and granddaughter) Thank you for having me. I'm going to miss you both so much. 
(three way hug) 
Susan: Us too. The house will seem just empty without you 
Julie: Can't you guys stay just a little bit longer? 
Susan: Oh no. No no no. They want to get their new life together started. We don't want to hold these two crazy kids back. (laughs) 
(Susan literally opens the car door and puts her mother inside!!) 
Susan: Bye, Morty. 
Morty: Listen, I hope it's okay, but your mom told me some of the stuff that you've been going through with the plumber guy across the street. 
Susan: She did, huh? 
Morty: Don't give up on him. If I had given up I wouldn't be here now with this lovely lady. 
Susan: Did she tell you that he served time in prison for manslaughter? 
Morty: No. No, she left that part out. 
Susan: I don't suppose she told you he was a drug dealer? 
Morty: I don't recall that. 
Sophie: Will you stop? You don't know the whole story. 
Susan: Mother! 
Sophie: I went over there and told him how much you love him. 
Susan: What? What were you thinking? 
Julie: (asking the right question) What did he say? 
Susan: Yeah, what did he say? 
Sophie: I think I walked in on him at a very bad time. Someone close to him had just died. 
Susan: (sympathetically) Oh god, really? 
Sophie: He could use a shoulder to cry on. 
(Susan seems torn about what to do.) 
Sophie: Can I have one more hug. Please? I can't stand this! 
(As the three women hug again, Susan looks over her mother's shoulder and watches Mike come out of his house to collect his mail.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Restaurant-Night] 
(Bree and George are having dinner in a restaurant.) 
Bree: mmmh! Oh, George, you have GOT to taste this. It's a little messy but.. 
(Bree picks up a forkful of her dinner for George to try.) 
George: Is that fennel seed? Its fantastic. 
Bree: I don't know. But anything that good has got to be sinful. 
(They both laugh.) 
George: Isn't this fun? Trying different dishes, opening the mind to new experiences. 
Bree: Rex just hates these cooks tours. He likes to stay at home with the same old spaghetti and mug of root beer. 
George: So how about this marinara sauce? I think it's the best I've ever had. 
Bree: I've had one better, in Italy. 
George: You've been to Italy? 
Bree: Yes. Rex and I took a vacation there, right before the kids were born. We had so much fun in those first few years. I guess it was easier to be happy back then. I can't believe I just said that- (tries to make a joke out of it) no more wine for me.  
George: We should go to Italy. 
Bree: What? 
George: That'd be a hoot. All those museums and cathedrals. It's fantastic for tourists. We could just make pigs of ourselves. 
Bree: I can't go on a trip with you, George. 
George: Why not? 
Bree: Because I'm married! People would talk. 
George: You're right. I'm sorry. It was a bad idea. 
Bree: Oh, don't worry about it. Here I want you to try one of these clams. I bet they're as good as the marinara sauce. 
(Bree picks up more food on her fork and feeds it to George. As she does this, she spots Edie at another table and waves. Edie's making suggestive eyes at Bree as if she's caught her at something she shouldn't be.) 
George: You are absolutely right. When it's that good, it's got to be sinful. 
(It begins to dawn on Bree how this would appear to other people.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT :Scavo House -Living Room-Night] 
(The boys are watching TV in the living room. Lynette rushes in and switches off the TV.) 
Lynette: Okay, you boys, it's seven o'clock. Time for bed. 
(protests from the boys) 
Parker: Why do we have to be in bed so early. 
Lynette: I told you, honey, daddy and I have a special meeting tonight. 
The boys: Ew! 
Lynette: (blows them a kiss) I love you. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Scavo House-Entrance-Night] 
(Tom comes home from work, pulls at his tie and checks the mail. Lynette basically jumps on him, hugging him from behind.) 
Tom: (Surprised) Woah! 
Tom: Hi. 
Lynette: Hi. (She's kissing him all over.) 
Tom: Wow. Okay, this is the tenth day. Honey, just give me a second to let the office wear off. 
(Lynette steps back for a second.) 
Tom: Alright, I'm in. 
(They're all over each other, until Tom suddenly stops.) 
Lynette: What are you thinking? 
Tom: I was just wondering what that smell was. 
Lynette: Oh. Oh, it's probably baby drool. 
(pulls off her sweater) 
Lynette: There, now you have easier access. 
(falls backwards onto the sofa) 
Tom: Incoming. (jumps over the sofa to join her) 
(They start making out again until Tom stops again, pulling a disgusted face.) 
Lynette: What? 
Tom: Wow, that smell really soaked through, didn't it? 
Lynette: Yes. It soaked through a little. That is the nature of baby sick. Do you want me to wear a haz-mat suit or are you going to be okay? 
Tom: No no no. I just like it when you're all clean and you wear sexy clothes. 
Lynette: (laughs) I don't own anything clean (hits him with his tie) or sexy (and again). Everything is either covered in baby spit (and again) or chunks (and again) or covered in crayon. (and again) 
Tom: Okay okay okay. I'm sorry. 
Lynette: You make me feel like I just got off the shrimp boat, for god's sake. 
Tom: Honey, I said I'm sorry. It's just that guys sometimes like it when their women put a little effort into things. 
(Lynette is really deflated by this.) 
Tom: Okay. Um. Can we just go back to the kissing thing? Please can we try that? 
Lynette: Fine. 
(They kiss -Lynette wraps her legs around Tom and they're just getting into it when-) 
(Off screen the baby starts crying.) 
Preston (offscreen): The baby's up. 
Lynette: Okay, off! 
Parker (offscreen): MOM! MOM! 
(Lynette goes to tend to the baby, and Tom lies on the sofa upset that their night isn't going as planned.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT: PI's Car-Night] 
Paul: Susan Mayer hired you?! 
PI: I know. She decided to stop poking around in your life and called me of all people. Lucky for you I've got the biggest ad in the phone book. 
Paul: What am I going to do? 
PI: Run. Pack up your kid and get out of town. 
Paul: That's tricky. My son doesn't want to move. He can be pretty insistent. 
PI: Well, I can throw her off the scent for a little while. 
Paul: Fine. 
PI: Alright then. Tell me exactly what it is you want this woman to believe. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT :Mayer House-Day] 
PI: She was born Angela. When she was a teenager she changed her name to Mary Alice. Now on her application it says that she was named after a relative that she no longer speaks to. Here's her birth certificate and her Utah petition for a legal name change. 
Susan: What about Dana? 
PI: There was a record of another child. A girl, Dana Marie Young. She died at 18 months, apparently in some kind of a fall. 
Susan: It was all true. Everything he said. How could I have been so wrong? 
PI: Well, I'm going to need a cheque. 
Susan: Oh, of course. 
(goes to fetch her cheque book from her purse) 
Susan: Actually, before you go I need you to check into someone else's background. There's this plumber I know? 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT: Park-Day] 
(John is raking up leaves and collecting them in bags when Gabrielle approaches him.) 
John: Hi, did you get my messages? 
Gabrielle: Yeah, but I wanted to talk to you in person. I have some potentially upsetting news. 
John: Come on, Mrs Solis, you can tell me. I can handle it. 
Gabrielle: I'm pregnant and it might be yours. 
(John freaks out -kicking over bags of leaves and screaming while Gabrielle tries to stay out of his way. Time passes.) 
(Gabrielle is now sat on the lawnmower while John stomps around, still freaked out.) 
John: Man, I can barely afford my new dirt bike. How am I gonna afford child support? 
Gabrielle: We don't even know for sure if i'ts yours, so relax. Okay, and I didn't come here to watch you freak out. 
John: So why did you come here? 
Gabrielle: I wanna make sure you'll let me protect you. 
John: From who? 
Gabrielle: Um, Carlos? Your parents? John, something like this could ruin your life. That's why you have to keep quiet about our affair. There's no point in this catastrophe taking both of us down. 
John: Thank you. 
Gabrielle: Forget about it. 
John: I should've worn a condom. 
Gabrielle: Yeah, that would have been helpful. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Mayer House-Kitchen-Day] 
Julie: You hired a private investigator? 
Susan: I can't trust Mike, and I wanted to find out what really happened. From a source that doesn't have an agenda. Now open it up. 
Julie: Okay. Are you ready? 
Susan: Go. 
(Julie goes to open the file and start reading.) 
Susan: Stop. 
Julie: What? 
Susan: If you find out something that's really bad, just try and put a positive spin on it. 
(Julie starts reading and Susan paces back and fore in the background. Time passes.) 
Julie: Okay. I have some good news and some bad news. 
Susan: Give me the bad news first. 
Julie: The guy Mike killed was a cop. 
Susan: Oh my god! Oh my god! 
(Susan's shocked by this and has her head in her hands. She tries to overcome her feelings to hear the good news and shakes her arms to psyche herself up for the next information.) 
Susan: Okay, give me the good news. 
Julie: There is none. 
Susan: What? 
Julie: You told me to spin it. I did the best I could. 
Susan: Oh, forget it. Just let me look at it myself. 
(Susan goes over and starts looking through the file herself. She looks through photocopies of press cuttings with headlines like "drug dealer kills cop" and "hundreds mourn for slain officer". Then she picks up an old picture of Mike in a prisoner's orange jump suit, he's outside of court and being taken off to jail by cops. In the background we see Noah Taylor and Kendra - his other daughter.) 
Susan: I don't believe it. 
Julie: What is it? 
Susan: I know her. (talking about Kendra) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT :Taylor House-Porch-Day] 
(Kendra in on the porch and as she looks around she sees her dad and Mike talking on a bridge in the grounds. She goes to confront them.) 
[EXT :Taylor House-Bridge-Day] 
Kendra: What's going on here? 
(The two men know they've been caught out.) 
Kendra: You two just can't stop, can you? Deirdre's dead. It doesn't matter who killed her. Just let it go. 
Mike: It's not that easy, Kendra. 
Kendra: Why? My sister hated you. Both of you. She said so. 
Noah: That was the drugs talking. 
Kendra: (sarcastic) Right, right. The drugs.Deirdre humiliated this family and threw our love back in our faces. She knew it and she couldn't have cared less. 
Noah: Are you done? 
Kendra: No. I want to know what you're planning. 
(Noah turns away from his daughter, so Mike steps up and challenges Kendra.) 
Mike: We're just talking. 
Kendra: I don't believe you. 
Mike: Then don't ask. 
(They stare each other out, and Kendra is the one who blinks first. She looks at her father as if she can't believe what he's doing and storms off.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Wisteria Lane - Day] 
Rex: Of course I don't want a new cardiologist, but Lee's been conducting tests for weeks. He should have been able to figure out what is wrong with me by now. 
Bree: But honey, we socialise with them. What am I going to say to Helen? 
Rex: All I know is that I've never felt worse. I've got to do something. 
(As Bree's about to get in the car she sees Edie walking on the other side of the street.) 
Bree: I um. I have to talk to Edie. 
Rex: But we're going to be late. 
Bree: Oh, it'll just take a second. I need to um, to get a recipe. 
(Bree runs across the street to talk to Edie.) 
Bree: Edie! Hi. 
Edie: Hi. 
Bree: I saw you at Alfredo's yesterday. 
Edie: Yes, I saw you too. Naughty, naughty. 
Bree: I beg your pardon? 
Edie: The guy. The one you were spoon-feeding. Not bad. A little petite for my taste but then again, I'm not the one sleeping with him. 
Bree: Okay, this is exactly what I was afraid of. George and I are just friends. 
Edie: Hey, I'm not judging you. I get it. I mean Rex was sticking it to that hooker housewife. It's pay-back time. 
Bree: You've got the wrong idea. That man is my pharmacist! 
Edie: You could have an affair with anyone and you choose a pharmacist? You are such a republican. 
Bree: I am not having an affair! George and I-we just talk. He's a very good listener and I share my hopes and dreams with him and my innermost thoughts. And that's all there is to it, and you have to believe me. 
Edie: Okay, I believe you. 
Bree: Thank you. I'm glad we cleared this up. I know that it must have looked strange and I didn't want you to think that I was cheating on my husband. 
Edie: But you sort of are. 
Bree: Excuse me? 
Edie: Oh, come on, Bree, you're telling this guy your innermost thoughts-your hopes and dreams. Sex aside it sounds like you're being pretty intimate with a guy who isn't your husband. 
Bree: Oh. Oh, I mean, everybody needs someone to talk to. 
Edie: So what's wrong with talking to Rex? 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Tilman House-Kitchen-Day] 
( Mrs Tilman is in the kitchen baking and is calling Zach.) 
Young answer phone message:We're not home, please leave a message. 
Mrs Tilman (on the phone-she's very smileful, but concerned): Hello, Zach? It's Felicia Timan. I do so enjoy our little visits and I haven't seen you in a few days. I hope everything's alright- 
[INT:Young House-Kitchen -Day] 
(We see Paul listening to Felicia leaving the message, and decides to pick up the phone.) 
Paul (on the phone): Zach's not feeling well. 
[INT :Mrs Tilman's House -Kitchen-Day] 
Mrs Tilman (on the phone): (her voice immediately loses its cheerfulness when she hears Paul's voice) Oh. Paul. 
[INT :Young House-Kitchen-Day] 
Paul (on the phone): And I don't think it's appropriate that he spend so much time at your house. 
(He hangs up on Mrs Tilman.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT :Young House -Zach's Bedroom -Day] 
(Paul enters his son's room carrying a tray with two cups of cocoa on it.) 
Paul: I've made us some cocoa. How are you feeling? 
Zach: I've felt awful for two days now. I think I should see a doctor. 
(Zach reaches for the nearest cup of cocoa. Paul takes his hand and puts it around the other cup.) 
Paul: It's probably just a touch of the flu. I'll keep an eye on it. It's this house, Zach, I feel it too. It isn't healthy for us to stay here. 
Zach: I told you. I'm not moving. 
Paul: It would be for your own good. You can't keep running around doing the things you're doing.Susan Mayer's kitchen for example. People are going to catch on. Wouldn't it be great to just start over? Somewhere in the country maybe. You can make some new friends, maybe even meet a new girl. How about I let you sleep on it? 
(takes the mug of cocoa off the sleeping Zach) 
Paul: We'll talk about moving tomorrow. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Shops-Day] 
Mary Alice Voiceover: The lack of passion in her marriage had become an unpleasant reality for Lynette. Then one day it occure d to her, that the best way to fight reality was with a bit of fantasy. Of course all the fantasy in the world won't do you anygood if nobody turns up to enjoy it. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Scavo House-Living Room-Night] 
(Tom and his friend come home after a late night at work.) 
Tom's Co-worker: I really feel bad about putting you out like this, Tom. 
Tom: You're not putting anyone out. You've been flying all day. Why stay in some hotel? I just hope you don't mind sleeping on the- 
(Both Tom and his friend stop and stare in shock at Lynette passed out in the maid's outfit on the sofa.) 
Tom:-sofa. 
Tom's Co-worker: Yep, the sofa should be fine. 
[INT:Scavo House-Kitchen-Day] 
(Lynette is cleaning up the kitchen after feeding the hungry hoards.) 
Tom: Oh, hey honey, why don't you just let the maid get that? 
Lynette:Oh , ha ha ha. Not funny, Tom. 
Tom: By the way, Gary's showering. He asked if you could just bring him a clean towel and your riding crop. 
Lynette: Tom! 
(Lynette kicks Tom on the butt as she walks behind him.) 
Tom: Oh, come on! (Laughs) 
Lynette: No, I'm glad that you find my humiliation so entertaining. 
Tom: Honey, you were wearing a French Maid's costume! What were you thinking? 
Lynette: I was thinking that our marriage was in trouble and one of us should do something to fix it. 
Tom: (this totally blindsides Tom) Wow! Since when is our marriage in trouble? 
(Lynette looks over her shoulder at him.) 
Tom: Okay, so we haven't had sex in a few days? Big deal, it happens. 
(Car honks outside.) 
Lynette: That's Annabel, how ironic. 
Tom: How is Annabel relevant to this conversation? 
Lynette: Because she now comes to our house everyday to remind you of what I'm not. 
Tom: What?! 
Lynette: She's the fantasy, Tom, the hot woman that you work with everyday. With her manicured nails and designer outfits. I am the reality. The wife who never wears make-up and whose clothes smell like a hamper. 
Tom: This might be the stupidest thing you've ever said 
Lynette: I used to be the fantasy. There was a time when I didn't need a maid's outfit because I knew I was enough for you, even wearing a smelly T-shirt. And clearly, that's no longer the case. 
(She's nearly in tears having to have this conversation with her husband.) 
Tom: Okay, honey, I don't know what to say. If there's some way I can fix this I will do it. Just tell me and I'll do it. 
Lynette: No, there's nothing to fix. We've changed. That's all I'm saying. 
(The car honks outside again and Gary comes downstairs dressed for work.) 
Gary: Are you ready? 
(Tom looks back and fore between his wife and his workmate. He's torn about whether he should leave or stay and comfort his wife.) 
Lynette: You should go. You don't want to keep Annabel waiting. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Solis House-Bathroom-Day] 
(Carlos is soaking in the tub, which Gabrielle is pouring hot sauce into a bowl of Salsa.) 
Carlos: Hey, be careful with that. you'll give the baby heartburn. 
Gabrielle: I can't get it hot enough. My hormones are killing my taste buds.. 
Carlos: You've been paying more attention to your food than me lately. 
Gabrielle: I plan on getting really fat as a tribute to your mother. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Solis House -Day] 
(Gabrielle is outside pouring even more hot sauce into the Salsa. We see John's red truck pull up outside the house. Gabrielle sees him and tries to keep him away from the house.) 
Gabrielle: John! What are you doing? 
John: I've been doing some serious thinking about the baby. 
Gabrielle: Really? Why? 
John: Because there's a good chance that it's mine and if it is I want to do the right thing. 
Gabrielle: No, nobody expects you to do the right thing. 
John: Yeah, I kinda figured you might try and blow me off. That's why I'm going direct to Mr Solis. 
Gabrielle: What? Are you crazy? He would kill us both! 
John: He and I need to hash this out, man to man. It's what's best for the baby. 
Gabrielle: John! 
John: Well, are you going to go get him or am I? 
Gabrielle: (suddenly very calm) Alright. You win. Wait right here. 
(Gabrielle makes John stay outside as she slowly enters the house and closes the front door behind her. She pauses for a second at the door to collect herself, she suddenly runs upstairs.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Solis House-Bathroom - Day] 
(Carlos is getting out of the tub, all covered in bubbles, when Gabrielle comes in.) 
Gabrielle: Don't get out. 
Carlos: Why? 
Gabrielle: Because I was going to get in. 
(Carlos looks confused.) 
Gabrielle: (flirting) Yeah. You see pregnant women have very strong urges. 
Carlos: Alright. 
Gabrielle: I'm going to freshen up, and I'll be right back. 
Carlos: Okay. 
Gabrielle: You sit. Sit! 
(She runs into the bedroom.) 
Gabrielle: I'm turning on some music.
(The music starts and Carlos sinks back into the tub, very happy look on his face.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Solis House-Day] 
(Gabrielle runs back down the stairs and sees John pacing on the front lawn. She goes outside and quickly locks the door before John can get into the house.) 
Gabrielle: Um, Carlos is unavailable at the moment. 
(John tries the door.) 
John: You're lying. 
Gabrielle: John, what are you doing? 
(John starts pounding on the door.) 
John: MR SOLIS! MR SOLIS! Open Up! 
Gabrielle: Stop it. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Solis House -Bathroom - Day] 
(Shots of Carlos in the tub, the music is up loud enough that he can't hear what is going on outside. He's playing with a flannel.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Solis House -Day] 
(John is determined to get in the house though and isn't put off. He goes over to the chairs on the deck and picks one up, ready to throw it through the window.) 
Gabrielle: What the hell are you???? 
John: Mrs Solis, get out of the way. 
Gabrielle: John! John, you,you can't. 
(Gabrielle has been trying to stop him by putting herself between John and the window. But realising that isn't going to stop him, she reaches for the nearest thing to throw at him the salsa. She throws it in his face! It shocks John and he falls backwards over the edge of the porch and ends up flat on his back.) 
Gabrielle: (Screams) Oh my god! 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT :Solis House -Bathroom - Day] 
(Carlos is still in the tub, oblivious to all the screaming outside. He's squirting water through his hands.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Solis House -Day] 
(Gabrielle checks that John is okay.) 
John: Oh god! It burns. 
Gabrielle: It's just salsa. 
John: Well, it feels like acid. 
Gabrielle: Really? I've been finding it so bland. 
John: MR SOLIS! MR SOLIS! COME OUT HERE I NEED TO TALK TO YOU! 
Gabrielle: John! Stop! Shut the hell up! Listen to me, you are never going to be the father of this baby. No matter what the paternity tests say, it is Carlos' child. 
John: How can you say that? 
Gabrielle: Because Carlos can provide, John! He can give this baby everything. Piano lessons and summer camp and the best colleges. He can raise this child the way it deserves to be raised, you can't. 
John: This isn't about money. This is about what's best for the baby. 
Gabrielle: If you want what's best for the baby, you will help me. Help me make sure this baby doesn't grow up poor like I did. 
(We see Carlos come out of the house looking for Gabrielle.) 
Carlos: What is taking you???? 
(On hearing her husband, Gabrielle looks pleadingly at John not to say anything.) 
Carlos: Oh, hi, John. What are you doing here? 
Gabrielle: He, uh- 
John: Justin was thinking the hydrangeas needed replacing, he wanted me to come by to get a second opinion. 
Carlos: Your friend, he's a good kid, but he's not half the gardener you were. You should come back and work for us. I mean you're practically family. 
John: Thank you, Mr Solis. 
(John looks at Gabrielle one last time and leaves.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Mrs Tilman's House -Day] 
(Shots of Mrs Tilman sitting on her porch reading a book. She watches Paul Young come out of his house, get in his car and drive away. She goes over to the Young house. She rings the doorbell several times.) 
Mrs Tilman: Zach! Are you here? 
(We see (from the inside) Mrs Tilman lifting up the garage door and entering the house. Once inside she sees all the boxes. She goes upstairs to Zach's bedroom and finds him sprawled across his bed, face down. She rolls him over and checks if he's breathing and his pulse. Next we see her searching the downstairs trying to find what Paul has been giving to his son. She finds a bottle of pills inside an oven glove in the kitchen.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Young House -Zach's Bedroom-Day] 
Mrs Tilman: I have to do this, dear. I know you'll forgive me. 
(She slaps Zach across the face, and he reacts in shock to the slap.) 
(Shots of Mrs Tilman and Zach leaving the house, with Mrs Tilman holding up Zach.) 
(Back inside we see a letter left on the sideboard that says "Paul, Zach is with me, Felicia".) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Scavo House-Living Room-Night] 
(Lynette is sitting on the sofa, enjoying some quiet time and reading a magazine, when Tom comes home.) 
Tom: Hey. 
Lynette: Hey. 
Tom: Are the boys asleep? 
Lynette: Tucked in tight. 
Tom: And Penny? 
Lynette: Sound asleep. 
(Tom gets an egg timer out of his pocket, winds it up and places it on the arm of the sofa.) 
Tom: Okay, when this goes off, meet me in the bedroom. 
(He heads up the stairs.) 
Lynette: Tom, what is this? 
Tom: Not until it goes off. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Outside Tom and Lynette's Bedroom-Night] 
(The egg timer goes off.) 
Lynette: (Sceptically) Alright?I'm coming in. 
(enters the bedroom and looks around. She sees Tom in the bathroom posing wearing just a thong.) 
Lynette: (squeals in delight at what she's seeing) Oh my god! 
Tom: (in an English {I think} accent) You want fantasy? I can do fantasy. (roars) 
Tom: Come to me, woman and prepare to be boarded. 
(Lynette is thrilled at the prospect!!) 
Tom: Please will you make it fast, these things are just chafing. 
(runs over to the bed and makes himself available to her) 
Lynette: You know, I kinda like it. 
Tom: Great. Kill the lights. 
(Lynette goes to switch off the lights then stops.) 
Lynette: No. 
Tom: Please- 
Lynette: No, I'm not turning off the lights. 
Tom: Please. 
Lynette: No. nononono. 
(Lynette straddles Tom and they kiss. She starts making playful noises at her husband.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Mrs Tilman's House-Kitchen-Night] 
(Mrs Tilman is having a cup of tea at the kitchen table when there's a knock at the door.) 
Mrs Tilman: It's open. 
(She turns to see who has entered.) 
Mrs Tilman: Oh, Paul, it's you. I'm so glad. I have some papers I want you to look at. 
Paul: Where is my son? 
Mrs Tilman: Upstairs. Sleeping off those tranquilizers you gave him. 
Paul: I don't know what you're doing but I'm taking my son and going. 
(turns to leave) 
Mrs Tilman: (sternly) I am not my sister, Paul. You do not want to screw with me. 
(At this, Paul stops and turns back to Mrs Tilman.) 
Mrs Tilman: (back to her normal voice) Martha kept a journal. 
(She starts to set out across the table a series of paper photocopies which have small writing all over them.) 
Mrs Tilman: Every drab event of her drab life meticulously recorded. Including her discovery that you and your wife stole a baby. A baby named Dana. 
(Paul picks up the papers and reads them.) 

Mrs Tilman: I'm sorry if the copies are hard to read. I hid the originals in a safe place. It seemed like a reasonable precaution seeing as you killed Martha and all. Would you like a cookie? 
(Paul sits down at the table.) 
Mrs Tilman: Suit yourself. Now I have a little proposition for you? 
Paul: These are the fantasies of a bored, lonely woman. They prove nothing. 
Mrs Tilman: The only reason the police haven't caught you yet is because they have no reason to suspect you. But once they find out that Martha was blackmailing Angela-sorry, Mary Alice- 
Paul: What is it you want? 
Mrs Tilman: The same thing you want. For you to leave town, change your name and start your life over again somewhere far away from here. 
Paul: If you're so sure of yourself, why don't you just turn me in? 
Mrs Tilman: Because Zach would never forgive me. And it's important that we be on good terms-seeing as he's going to be living with me now. 
Paul: What? 
Mrs Tilman: Your bags are packed, you're about to become a fugitive! Is that the kind of life you want for your son? The two of you spending every night in a different town? No. you're a better father than that. 
Paul: I can't just leave him. 
(He gets up and stares towards the upstairs where his son is sleeping.) 
Mrs Tilman: You stole him so that you could give him a better life. That was a noble act, Paul. Truly. And it's time for you to be noble again. 
Paul: Can I at least say goodbye? 
Mrs Tilman: Did you allow me to say goodbye to Martha? 
(Paul leaves. Mrs Tilman sighs with relief that the meeting went as planned. She pulls her hand out from under the table and reveals a kitchen knife that she was hiding there.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Taylor Estate-Day] 
(Susan drives up to the front of the house.) 
Susan: (to the big, burly, black security guard that approaches her when she stops the car) Oh, hi. I'm looking for Kendra Taylor- 
Security Guard: I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. 
Susan: Oh, oh, you don't understand. I can't just drive away. 
(Susan gets out of the car.) 
Security Guard: Please, back in the car. 
Susan: Look, um (reads his name tag) Bob, let me try to explain. 
Security Guard: In the car. 
Susan: You see the thing is. This is probably the last chance for me to find out if I can be with the man I love. 
Security Guard: Ma'am. 
Susan: And Bob (puts her hands on Bob's shoulders -he does not look amused by this), I can't even begin to tell you how much that means to me. So, I'm going to walk up to that house, and you're going to let me. And you know why? Because behind that badge and that big, you could crush me like a fly, chest, there's a heart. A heart that believes in love. 
(Bob looks like he's thinking about what she's said-but the next shot is of Bob forcing Susan onto the hood of her car, holding her arm behind her back. As she's lying there we see someone approaching.) 
Security Guard: Just get in the damned car. 
Susan: It's not my fault, you don't have love in your heart. 
Kendra: Susan? Is that you? 
Susan: (from her restrained position) Hi, Kendra. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Taylor House-Day] 
(We see Susan, Noah and Kendra sat at a table outside, with the file on Mike Delfino laid out in front of them.) 
Susan: And despite the evidence, despite all that's been laid out in front of me, I can't help feeling that there's more to the story. Does that sound stupid? 
Kendra: No, no, of course not- 
(Noah lays his hand on his daughter's to stop her from talking to Susan.) 
Noah: Unfortunately you've got the entire story here. 
(Kendra gets up from the table unable to listen anymore to her father.) 
Susan: But Mike's lawyer pleaded self defence and if that's the case- 
Noah: Delfino sold black tar heroin to my daughter, he killed the cop who tried to bust him, got convicted and did his time. End of story. 
Kendra: Dad! 
Noah: She deserves to hear the truth, no matter how terrible. I'm sorry, Ms Mayer, I really am. 
Susan: Right. I appreciate you talking to me. 
(Susan is on the brink of tears. She gathers up the file and her bag very quickly and walks off.) 
Kendra: What the hell was that? 
Noah: If she knew the truth, she'd go running back to him. She might talk him out of doing his job. I can't risk that. I just don't have the time. 
(He drops a kiss on his daughter's head and walks off. Kendra stares after Susan for a second and makes a decision.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Taylor Estate-Day] 
(Shots of Susan getting back into her car and pulling on her seat belt. She looks surprised when the passenger door opens and Kendra gets in.) 
Kendra: Quick. Drive around the corner. We need to talk. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:VAN DE KAMP House -Living Room-Day] 
(Rex is reading the newspaper, doing the crossword whilst Bree is knitting baby clothes.) 
Bree: What do you think, Rex? I chose green so that it will work whether Gabrielle has a boy or a girl. 
Rex: (absentmindedly) It's great. 
Bree: What's the matter? You've been mopy all day. 
Rex: I'm sorry, I'm just worried about the test results. If I don't find out what's wrong with me soon I'm going to lose my mind. 
Bree: Oh, honey. 
Rex: You must get tired of hearing me complain. 
Bree: No, not at all. I think that we should talk about it. In fact I think maybe we don't talk enough. 
Rex: I guess. 
Bree: Why don't we start doing things again, as a couple? 
Rex: Mmhmm. 
(Rex is more interested in his crossword than the conversation with his wife.) 
Bree: I think that as soon as you're well enough we should go on a vacation. Take a trip, go somewhere fun. Remember our trip to Italy? 
Rex: Yeah, sort of. 
Bree: Sort of? Don't you remember the glorious food and the gorgeous scenery? 
Rex: What I remember is sweating like a pig and wishing we hadn't spent all our savings. So where would you like to go? 
Bree: (heartbroken) It doesn't matter. You decide. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Taylor Estate -Susan's Car -Day] 
Kendra: Mike wasn't a drug dealer. 
Susan: What? 
Kendra: Deirdre was. Mike, he kicked the habit early on, but Deirdre couldn't, or didn't want to.I don't know. Anyway, she spiralled out of control and was in and out of jail. One day an undercover cop caught her using and he forced her to trade sex for freedom. Look, Mike found out about it and he tried to put a stop to it. He busted in on the two of them. He,the cop pulled a gun on him, but Mike fought him off. They both went over the balcony-Mike was the only one who got back up. 
Susan: It was self defence. 
Kendra: Yeah. Mike went to jail trying to save my sister. But he couldn't. 
Susan: I knew he was good. I just knew it. 
(Susan's crying such happy tears at this point. And Kendra nods, glad that she's finally told the truth.) 
Susan: Thank you. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Jewellery Shop-Day] 
(shot of an engagement ring case on a glass top. The sales assistant opens it up to show a gorgeous ring.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: The vow is simple really. 
(We see it's Sophie and Morty in the jewellery shop. A jeweler opens a ring box. She puts on the new ring and hugs Morty.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Those who take it promise to stay together for better or for worse- 
(The sales assistant hands Morty the bill for the ring. He reads it and can't believe how much it is.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: -for richer or for poorer- 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Hospital Room -Day] 
(Rex is in a hospital gown, undergoing more tests. Bree stands by watching him, looking incredibly pale herself.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:-in sickness and in health- 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Scavo House-Day] 
(Tom and Lynette are kissing as he is about to leave for work.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:-to honour and to cherish- 
(Lynette watches her husband leave, looking very happy with herself.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Solis House-Day] 
(Carlos is hugging Gabrielle goodbye. She looks over his shoulder at John who is mowing a lawn down the street.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:-forsaking all others- 
(Gabrielle closes her eyes and turns her attention back to Carlos.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[INT:Young House-Day] 
(Shot of Paul and Mary Alice's wedding photo) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:-until death do us part. 
(Paul is staring at the photo, then turns it over and places it in the suitcase he is packing.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[EXT:Wisteria Lane-Outside Delfino House -Day] 
(We see Mike getting out of his car and walking into his house. As the shot pulls back we see Susan running across the street towards him.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, the vow is simple. 
(Mike sees Susan running across the street and is shocked to see her.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: Finding someone worthy of such a promise is the hard part- 
Susan: (Susan is very animated, moving her hands and can't get her words out.) Um, um-She, she-I uh. 
(Susan gives up on trying to explain everything to him and so goes to kiss Mike. He's shocked at first, but gives in to the kiss-AWWWW!) 
Mary Alice Voiceover: -But if we can, that is when we begin to live happily ever after. 
~ The End ~




Desperate Housewives 
1X22 - Goodbye For Now
------------------------------------------------------------
Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on Desperate Housewives:
Carlos:My electronic monitoring device.I'm on house arrest.It's a condition on my bail.
Mary Alice Voiceover:Investigations began...
Susan:I need you to check into someone else's background.There is this plumber I know.
Mary Alice Voiceover:...boundaries were pushed,
George:Bree, you are not going to regret taking this journey with me!
Mary Alice Voiceover:and the news...
Tom: Peterson called me into his office today.
Mary Alice Voiceover:...went from bad...
Tom:He changed his mind.He's going to hold that promotion for Duggan.
Mary Alice Voiceover:...to worse.
Gabrielle: I'm pregnant, and it might be yours.
End of Recap
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Edie Britt sits in her car at the construction site. She checks her appearance in the rearview mirror, then gets out of the car.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Edie Britt's favorite moment of every day was her arrival at the construction site of her new home, because she knew what was about to happen. Her sudden appearance was always sure to generate a few appreciative glances, a few lascivious looks, and some downright ogling. Sadly for Edie, the one man she wanted most to notice her..."
(Edie looks across the street to where Mike Delfino is bringing in the newspaper. She smiles and raises her hand in greeting, but he doesn't notice her.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"...paid her no attention at all. Yes, Edie needed attention to feel good about herself and she was determined to get it."
(A construction worker walks over to her.) 
Cyrus: "Ms. Britt, you look extra beautiful today." 
Edie: "Oh, Cyrus, you're so sweet." 
Cyrus: "So anyhow, I, I was wondering if maybe I could, uh, take you out to dinner sometime." 
Edie: "Oh honey, you are so far out of your league that you are playing a completely different sport."
(She takes a box of doughnuts from the top of his car and walks across the street, where she knocks on Mike's door. Mike answers.) 
Edie: "Hey, there." 
Mike: "Hi, Edie. What's up?" 
Edie: "Nice ensemble, you busy?" 
Mike: "No, not really." 
Edie: "Oh good, I bought a bunch of fresh doughnuts for my construction workers and as you can see, I bought a few too many, so I thought maybe you and I could -"
(Susan appears at the doorway, next to Mike.) 
Edie: "Susan!" 
Susan: "Hey there, Edie." 
Edie: "What are you -" 
Susan: "Mike and I got back together." 
Edie: "Super." 
Susan: "I knew you'd be happy for us. So what's going on?" 
Mike: "Uh, Edie was just about to -" 
Edie: "Free doughnuts. Want 'em?or not?" 
Susan: "How sweet, thanks. Why don't you go put these on a plate? Oh, and save me one with sprinkles."
(Mike goes into the kitchen.) 
Susan: "I cannot believe you are still coming onto him." 
Edie: "You said you two were finished. You thought he was a murderer." 
Susan: "And that was your cue to come over and flirt? You wasted your time and your doughnuts." 
Edie: "Not if you choke on them." 
Mike: "Well, thanks Edie. The doughnuts look great." 
Edie: "Pleasure. See ya." 
Susan: "You know, I'm gonna run home and get some milk to go with those doughnuts." 
Mike: "Hey, you know it's, it's a shame you got to keep running back and forth." 
Susan: "Well, I can't have doughnuts and juice. It's unnatural." 
Mike: "No, I mean we should move in together. Come on, what do you say?" 
Susan: "Um, I say, oh! Hold that thought. Edie, Edie stop! Stop! Hang on." 
Edie: "What now?" 
Susan: "Oh, I was just rude back there gloating and everything and I apologize." 
Edie: "Well, thank you, Susan. Very big of you." 
Susan: "And on a completely unrelated topic, Mike and I are moving in together. See ya."
(She runs back to Mike.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Yes, Edie Britt needed the attention of men to feel good about herself."
(Edie pulls up in her car to the construction site.) 
Edie: "Hey, Cyrus. You have lunch plans?" 
Cyrus: "No."
Mary Alice Voiceover:"And even she was amazed at how far she was willing to go to get it."
Edie: "Ellsberg Hotel. Half an hour. Welcome to the majors."
(She drives off.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Credits
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Wisteria Lane, Outside]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Mr. And Mrs. Edward Mullins were finally leaving Wisteria Lane. In the past year their street had played host to arson, violence, blackmail, and murder. Fearing they too would be infected by this moral decay, the Mullins felt it was time to say goodbye. Strangely enough none of their neighbors seemed to notice they were moving out."
(The Mullins get into their packed car and drive off.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Gabrielle's House]
(Gabrielle comes out of her house to where Justin is mowing the front lawn.) 
Gabrielle: "Hey, I thought you might be thirsty." 
Justin: "No, I'm good." 
Gabrielle: "So, how's your roommate doing?" 
Justin: "He's hanging in there." 
Gabrielle: "Well, uh, I had to, um, tell him some news that was a little bit upsetting for him." 
Justin: "No kidding." 
Gabrielle: "Excuse me?" 
Justin: "Where do you get off telling John he's not good enough to raise a child? That kid can be his." 
Gabrielle: "It is a complicated situation." 
Justin: "It seems pretty simple to me. You're an unfeeling bitch."
(From inside the house, Carlos looks out of the window and sees Gabrielle slap Justin across the face. Gabrielle storms inside and heads up the stairs.) 
Carlos: "Why'd you hit the lawn boy?" 
Gabrielle: "Well, if you saw what he did to our pogonias you'd slap him too."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Peterson Advertising]
(Lynette walks into Tom's workplace, carrying a large cake with the words "Welcome Back Duggan!" written on it. She walks into the office that Tom and Annabel share.) 
Lynette: "Hey." 
Tom: "Hey, Lynette what are you doing here? What's this?" 
Lynette: "You told me Duggan's coming back to work today, I thought I'd do something special for him." 
Tom: "Uh huh, and this wouldn't have anything to do with you checking up on me and Annabel?" 
Lynette: "What?" 
Tom: "Yesterday you brought my pictures of the kids. The day before that you brought me soup. Lynette, honey, it's gotta stop." 
Lynette: "Tom, I don't care about you working with Annabel. I told you that. This is for Duggan. He had a heart attack. I don't care about Annabel."
(Annabel walks past them to leave the room.) 
Annabel: "Hey, Lynette." 
Lynette: "Huh. Speak of the devil. And I mean that."
(Carrying the cake, Lynette leaves and follows Annabel into the office kitchen.) 
Annabel: "Well, you're becoming a regular fixture around here, aren't ya?" 
Lynette: "Oh, yeah. I wanted to do something nice for Duggan." 
Annabel: "I suppose filling his blood stream with butter fat might be considered nice." 
Lynette: "Actually, it's fruit juice sweetened. Can I cut you? A piece?"
(From outside of the kitchen, a man's voice is heard.) 
Man: "Everyone, I need to see you right now."
(Inside a conference room, a grey-haired man, Dan, speaks to the employees standing around the room.) 
Dan: "Okay, listen up. I just spoke with Tim Duggan's wife and it looks like he's not gonna be returning to work after all. Seems that he had a relapse last night which unfortunately puts us in a very tight spot. We're gonna work together as a team and do what we need to do, so Jerry you're taking the Holister account, Suzanne, you're covering Paradise Springs, and Annabel, I want you to take the lead on the Traveler's hotel chain. You're leaving for Hawaii in three days." 
Annabel: "I can't handle Traveler's by myself, especially not if they're moving into the print." 
Dan: "Well, choose someone to take with you." 
Annabel: "Oh, okay. Um, I choose Tom."
(Lynette, holding the knife that she used to cut the cake, steps forward and Tom automatically puts his hand out to stop her.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Mini-Golf World]
(Bree and George play miniature golf together.) 
Bree: "Well, let's see I've beaten you to bridge, and mahjong and hearts. This is your last chance to redeem yourself." 
George: "Stop it. You're gonna make me laugh."
(As George lines up his shot, Bree, standing behind him, walks her fingers over his back. He turns to look at her.) 
Bree: "Okay, okay, I'll be good."
(She walks around to his side and whispers in his ear.) 
Bree: "Miss it, miss it, miss it." 
George: "Bree." 
Bree: "Come on, I'm allowed to psych you out."
(She walks a little bit away and suddenly George gets a worried look on his face. He turns his feet in and hunches over, not moving.) 
Bree: "Okay, time's up. Take your best shot." 
George: "I'm not ready yet." 
Bree: "Hurry up. There're people waiting." 
George: "One more minute." 
Bree: "Come on, take your best -"
(She reaches out and swipes gently at his arm. He pulls his arm away, still hunched over.) 
George: "Don't do that." 
Bree: "George, do you have an erection?" 
George: "I'm sorry." 
Bree: "What on earth?" 
George: "You were blowing on my ear." 
Bree: "I was teasing you." 
George: "Exactly." 
Bree: "You have got to get rid of it. There are children present." 
George: "How?" 
Bree: "I don't know. Um, um, think of something unpleasant." 
George: "Like what?" 
Bree: "Like famine, or disease, or hobos. Whatever. Just hurry."
(Later, they walk away from the golf course.) 
George: "Look, you can't be mad about it. It's not something men can control." 
Bree: "I kept this friendship going because I though Rex's dislike of you was paranoid, but you had feelings for me all along. God, this is just such a betrayal." 
George: "Come on, Bree. The only thing I am guilty of is loving you in silence." 
Bree: "Well, you shouldn't be doing that. In case you've forgotten I'm married." 
George: "To a selfish, two-faced liar who betrayed you with a hooker." 
Bree: "I told you in confidence. How dare you throw it back in my face." 
George: "So, you're ending our friendship, after everything I've done for you?" 
Bree: "What is that supposed to mean?" 
George: "Nothing. It didn't mean anything." 
Bree: "George, I do love you as a friend. I wish you could love me the same way back, but since you can't, goodbye."
(She walks off.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Edie's House]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Later that day, Edie Britt witnessed something disturbing."
(Edie looks out of her window and sees Mike, carrying a moving box, kissing Susan.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Something she was determined to put a stop to."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Lynette's House]
(Bree, Lynette, and Gabrielle sit around the table, preparing for poker. Edie comes in from the living room.) 
Gabrielle: "So is Susan coming?" 
Lynette: "She said she might be a little late. They already started moving a few of Mike's things over to her house." 
Bree: "Already? Wow, good for her." 
Lynette: "Yeah, it's nice to see Susan so happy again." 
Edie: "Yeah, I'm happy for Susan. But don't you think she and Mike are moving a little fast? I mean two days ago, she was thinking he was a murderer and now she's moving in with him?" 
Gabrielle: "She found out it was in self-defense. I think they've cleared everything up." 
Bree: "Yeah, good point." 
Lynette: "Mike's a decent guy." 
Edie: "Yeah, that's true. Of course there was the gun shot wound." 
Lynette: "That's right. Did they ever explain that?" 
Bree: "No, and I know guns and that wound was not self-inflicted." 
Edie: "And then what about Mrs. Huber's blood-stained jewelry?" 
Lynette: "Yeah, that didn't walk into Mike's garage by itself." 
Gabrielle: "Maybe this is a mistake. If there's one thing I've learned men can't be trusted." 
Edie: "Hold it. Are you saying that we should put a stop to this?" 
Bree: "Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt to sit her down and share our concerns." 
Gabrielle: "Yeah, we could do that." 
Lynette: "Yeah." 
Bree: "Edie, do you want to be a part of it?" 
Edie: "Well, normally, I'd prefer not to get involved, but if there's anyway that I could help Susan..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Susan's Garage]
(Susan comes out to take a box from Mike, who's truck is parked on her driveway.) 
Susan: "We need to talk." 
Mike: "Okay." 
Susan: "When I was packing up your stuff in your bedroom, I found a box of bullets." 
Mike: "Oh." 


Susan: "Look, I feel really bad about Deirdre, and I know that you must want to find out who killed her, but if we're gonna move in together, we can't have this stuff hanging over us. You've gotta get rid of it. All of it: the file, the map, the gun, especially the gun and leave this to the police. They're the professionals." 
Mike: "Well, what can I say? It seems like a reasonable request." 
Susan: "Oh. Really? Well ,that was easy. Maybe after lunch we can talk about your leather bean bag chair."
(Mike smiles and as Susan walks back in, he looks down the street. He sees Paul get out of his car, leave a box filled with items on a Martha Huber's doorstep, then get back in his car and drive away.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Martha Huber's House]
(Zach and Felicia sit at the kitchen table. The box from Paul is sitting on the table and Paul is reading from a note.) 
Zach: "I realize now that I've treated you badly. I'm the one who needs to get help not you, so I have to go away for a while, in the meantime Mrs. Tilman will look out for you." 
Felicia: "I don't consider it a burden. You know you're welcome here." 
Zach: "I left you some things, I hope you can take comfort in them. I got you a new mitt. Work on your curve ball while I'm gone. I love you. Dad. Well, I don't understand. Why wouldn't he come see me? Why just run away?" 
Felicia: "Your father's been very troubled, dear. I'm sure he did what he felt was best for you." 
Zach: "And he wants me to take comfort in this junk? I hate baseball. You think he would know that." 
Felicia: "Zach."
(Zach runs away from the room. Felicia picks up a photo of Mary Alice that Zach knocked down. She begins cleaning up the rest of the items he knocked to the floor. She picks up the baseball mitt and after a second, she slips her hand into the mitt. She pulls out a note hidden in the mitt. It reads: "Zach, I didn't leave you. Meet me at the baseball field - Thursday at midnight. Dad") 
(Felicia crumples the note in her hand.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bree's House, Nighttime]
(Gabrielle looks out the window.) 
Gabrielle: "Susan's coming." 
Edie: "Okay guys. Interventions are never pretty, so stay strong cause she's probably gonna cry."
(The doorbell rings. Bree goes to answer it while Edie, Gabrielle, and Lynette line up near the couch.) 
Susan: "Bonjour. Oh, hi, I didn't know that the cooking lesson was gonna be a group activity. Well, the more the merrier, right? As long as nobody makes fun of my lousy crepes. How come I'm the only one wearing the apron?"
(Later, all five women sit around the table, with coffee cups in front of them.) 
Lynette: "I know it seems like we're ganging up on you, but you're moving so fast we thought a sort of intervention was necessary." 
Edie: "I know it's tough to hear. None of us wanted to do this." 
Susan: "I appreciate what you guys are trying to do, I really do. Um, I'm not gonna change my mind. In my life, I've been hurt a lot, Karl, and uh, well, it's just taught me to be cynical, and to expect the absolute worst from people, and I don't want to live like that anymore, and when Mike asked me to move in with him, I was just happy, just ridiculously happy. I mean, I still am and I want to go with that feeling. I love him and I love him! So I'm gonna expect the best from Mike, and I know that he is gonna deliver that in return. Okay?"
(Bree, Lynette, and Gabrielle lean to her and give her assurances.) 
Edie: "This is the worst intervention I have ever been to."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Restaurant]
(Baby Penny sits in a high chair while Lynette has lunch with Natalie.) 
Natalie: "This is fun. It's forever since we had lunch." 
Lynette: "Well, as happy as I am to see you, I actually have an agenda. I ran into someone last week who said you guys were looking to hire. Is that true?" 
Natalie: "Yeah. Are you thinking of coming back? Because say the word -" 
Lynette: "No, no, not me. I was actually thinking more about Tom." 
Natalie: "Oh, Tom?" 
Lynette: "Yeah, he's been thinking about making a move for a while. He kind of feels like he's done everything he can where he is now." 
Natalie: "Huh. Well, Tom's certainly solid." 
Lynette: "He's more then solid, Tom's ideas are spectacular. He's passionate about his work. His visual instincts are off the chart." 
Natalie: "Is he as good as you?" 
Lynette: "He's apples, I'm oranges, we excel in different areas. Trust me, you should give Tom a look." 
Natalie: "I don't need apples. I need someone like you. Cut throat. Ruthless." 
Lynette: "Geez, Nat, you make me feel like some kind of shark. Ah, okay. You know, actually, if that's the kind of exec you're looking for..." 
Natalie: "You'd get a shark for me?" 
Lynette: "Yes, a very pretty shark."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bree's House, Outside]
(Bree gets into her car and drives off. Down the street, George watches. Once the car has driven away, he gets out and goes up to Bree's house.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bree's House, Inside]
(George spills out Rex's prescription bottle. He fills it up with pills that he brought with him.) 
(In their bedroom, George opens up various dresser drawers. He comes to Bree's underwear drawer and stops, staring at the panties lying neatly in there.) 
(He lays down some panty-hose on the bed and when he pulls away, he takes out a digital camera, taking a picture of a bra, underwear, and panty-hose lying on the bed in the approximate positions they'd be on a woman.) 
(George opens up their closet, pushing aside clothing. He kneels down and sees a box. He opens it and begins pulling out various sexual toys: handcuffs, a riding whip, fuzzy handcuffs, and leather clothing.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Doctor's Office]
(Rex sits on the examining table, buttoning his shirt. Bree sits in a chair off to the side.) 
Doctor: "So, here's what I'm thinking. I'm gonna see if Dr. Morrison at the Lipstone Clinic in come in and consult." 
Rex: "You're wanna bring someone else in?" 
Doctor: "Your body isn't responding to the medication the way it should, and the tests we've run have all come back negative, so I, I just want to be on the safe side."
(His pager goes off.) 
Doctor: "Excuse me. I need to take this."
(He leaves the room.) 
Bree: "I don't know why, but I have this overwhelming feeling that you're gonna be just fine. I really do." 
Rex: "Lee Craig has the biggest ego of any doctor I know. If he wants to consult with someone, that means he's stumped, which means I'm screwed." 
Bree: "Don't say that." 
Rex: "Dammit, Bree, do you understand what's going on here? I could die." 
Bree: "So could I." 
Rex: "What?" 
Bree: "I could walk across a street tomorrow and be hit by a car." 
Rex: "What in god's name is your point?" 
Bree: "All I'm saying is that we're both gonna die eventually, and in the time that we have left, whether it's two days or two decades, I think that we should be nice to each other." 
Rex: "You're right."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Martha Huber's House]
(The doorbell rings. Felicia opens the door to find Mike standing there.) 
Mike: "Um, Mrs. Tilman. Paul Young's been missing the last couple of days, have you seen him?" 
Felicia: "Why ask me?" 
Mike: "Well, I saw him leave a box on the door step and I've also seen Zach over here." 
Felicia: "If I did know where Mr. Young was, why would I tell you?" 
Mike: "Look, um, the police think I killed your sister, and I'm sure you do too, but I swear to you I had nothing to do with it." 
Felicia: "And you think Paul Young did?" 
Mike: "Well, no, that's not what I'm saying." 
Felicia: "You've got to admit, it's a neat theory. Care for a snack?"
(She walks away from the door, leaving it open. Mike stares after her, then follows.) 
(Later, Mike sits at the kitchen table, reading through a journal while Felicia sets down a teapot with cups, then sits down, herself.) 
Felicia: "Okay, so it's not such a stretch, the wonder if Paul avenged his wife's death by killing Martha for blackmailing them. But perhaps I'm alone in that." 
Mike: "You're not." 
Felicia: "Aren't you sweet? Tea?" 
Mike: "Thanks. Do these journals say anything about why your sister was blackmailing the Youngs?" 
Felicia: "Not specifically, but I got the definite impression that it involved a murder. Now here you are saying your friend was murdered." 
Mike: "Any reason you haven't showed these to the police?" 
Felicia: "Are you in favor of the death penalty?" 
Mike: "Um, yeah." 
Felicia: "So am I. We had it in Utah. Not in this state, though. A shame, don't you agree?" 
Mike: "Yeah, I do." 
Felicia: "I like you so much, Mr. Delfino." 
Mike: "You know where Paul Young is?" 
Felicia: "I'm afraid not, but I know where he'll be on Thursday night."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Gabrielle's House, Outside]
Mary Alice Voiceover:"That afternoon after retrieving her mail, Gabrielle was surprised to finally learn the truth behind her pregnancy."
(Gabrielle opens up a letter.) 
Mary Alice Voiceover:"Very surprised."
(The rest of the mail drops out of her hands and lands on the ground.) 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Gabrielle's House, Inside]
Carlos: "Hey babe, you want to go online and check out schools? What's going on?" 
Gabrielle: "I just want to say goodbye, because I'm leaving you." 
Carlos: "What?" 
Gabrielle: "You see, your health insurance sent us a letter because someone ordered a year's worth of birth control pills, and apparently our policy doesn't cover drugs bought by the kilo." 
Carlos: "I told you, it was mam��." 
Gabrielle: "The prescription was dated, Carlos, and Juanita was in a coma when this claim was filed. You did this, not your mother. At least be man enough to own up to it. She would've been."
(She storms out of the house and is halfway across the lawn when Carlos catches up to her and grabs her arm.) 
Carlos: "Stop." 
Gabrielle: "Ah, ah, ah, pregnant, cave man, remember?" 
Carlos: "Where are you going?" 
Gabrielle: "Away." 
Carlos: "I'm going to jail. I'll be gone tomorrow." 
Gabrielle: "I know. That's why I only packed one bag."
(She starts to drive off in her car.) 
Carlos: "What about the baby, Gabrielle, huh? What about my baby?" 
Gabrielle: "Oh, your baby?" 
Carlos: "Fine. Our baby. Hey, we're a family now. This baby needs its mother and its father." 
Gabrielle: "Oh, Carlos. Whoever said you were the father?"
(She drives off. Edie drives up and gets out of her car, holding a "Sold" sign.) 
Edie: "Hey."
(Carlos begins walking quickly to her car. His ankle bracelet begins beeping. )
Carlos: "Hey." 
Edie: "Hey, what the hell are you doing?"
(Carlos gets into her car and she quickly grabs her purse from the passenger's seat. Carlos drives off.) 
Edie: "Damn felon!"
(Gabrielle and Carlos both drive.) 
(In a parked police car, two cops sit. They get a call over the speaker from dispatch.) 
Speaker: "All units code D-1630 suspect is a violation of house arrest. Currently headed west on Park Boulevard." 
Policeman: "Um, this is unit fourteen we're on our way. Looks like the feds have a runner." 
Policeman #2: "Let's go."
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